Healing the Wounds of Grief

By Susan Gallagher, Staff Writer

The Weekly Sentinel July 28, 2023

Anne Heros knows grief. It took up residence in her heart on a bleak March day in 1992 with the sudden and heartbreaking loss of her 10-year-old daughter. The cruel hand of fate had ripped a gaping hole in the fabric of a loving family.

As if the heavy burden of her own grief was not enough, she bore the added challenge of two young sons dealing with their own grief. Anne was too overwhelmed to cope alone. Thankfully, she and her family found solace and healing at the Center for Grieving Children. The center welcomed the stricken family with open arms and loving support.

At the time, Anne had no idea that this was only the beginning of her long affiliation with the Center. While her journey began with a plea for help, it would lead to her current position as executive director of this special place that healed her.

Heros exudes a quiet strength as she relates her grueling path through grief. “There is no explanation for death,” she says in a soft voice of acceptance. While she is aware that the loss of a child is often considered the most tragic, she is adamant when she says, “Any grief is painful to the person. I’m not into trumping one loss over another.” She adds sadly, “They all hurt.”

The Center for Grieving Children, with a location in Portland and another in Sanford serving all of York County, was founded in 1987 by Portland resident Bill Hemmens. In his quest to find help for his niece in the wake of her mother’s death, he realized the great need for peer and adult support for grieving children.

Despite its moniker, the Center is not solely for children. The organization provides support for children, teens, adults, families, and communities. According to Anne Heros, the Center was always a family model. “The reason it was a family model from the very beginning, and was before its time, was not to work in isolation with one family member, but to work with the whole family.” She goes on to say, “The support was really there for the children when the adults were also on board. There was change happening across all of them.”

This approach was instrumental in her own healing process and that of her young sons, ages 11 and 8 at the time of their sister’s tragic death. The boys participated in peer support groups for the first two years, and then the whole family joined. The experience would so affect Anne that she was compelled to return to the Center as a volunteer. This led to a staff position, and finally, in 2001, the executive directorship. “It gave me a strong impetus to be a voice of support for families, and to create more education out there in the community,” she says. Her own experience with grief gives her a special insight into the anguish of others. Heros says simply, “I feel that when I’m talking to others, they know I’m speaking from the heart. I’m speaking from experience.”

Peer support is at the core of the Center’s work. Heros has high praise for the peer support group experience. “What appealed to me,” she says, “was the fact that you were in a group of people who were ‘walking the walk,’ breaking down the walls of isolation, even more so for the children.” She goes on to express her great appreciation for the Center’s volunteers. “The extra magic for me,” she says, “was that there were two facilitators in the group, and they were volunteers. That, to me, was such an unconditional love. That’s what stayed with me after we left.”

The value of peer support at the Center cannot be overstated. Heros feels that listening to the experiences of others and what they found helpful goes a long way in aiding the healing process. “One day after another seems impossible at first,” she says, “but you get strength from seeing other people coping five or six months down the line. This gives you hope that you can get there.”

The Center places great emphasis on providing a 'safe place' to grieve. Heros explains, "It is safe in that we are with them in their journey. We are letting them know they are in charge of their process." She elaborates by adding, "We are not measuring them in three months, in six months, or once a year. In that way, it is a safe harbor from being judged about how you're handling it, how long it is taking you."

Grief resulting from death is not the only kind of grief the Center addresses. "When we talk about grief," Heros says, "we are not only talking about death-related grief. There are many kinds of losses: domestic abuse, addictions, food insecurity." She adds, "It's about the pieces that come along with the loss." Myriad losses are also addressed in the Center's program for newly arrived refugees and asylum-seekers from war-torn countries. These beleaguered people come to the Center with broken lives as well as broken hearts.

In addition, the Center has a life-threatening illness program. For Board of Directors President Mike Wilson, this program provided a crucial service at a heartbreaking time. When his wife's cancer returned with a vengeance after five years in remission, there was no hope for her survival. "The cancer was fast and furious," he says. "It was in her bones."

He worried greatly about the effects of the prognosis on his daughter, a high school senior at the time. "I realized that my daughter needed help," he says. "As an adult, I knew that my friends didn't know what to say to me, so I just knew her friends wouldn't know what to say to her."

Familiar with the CGC from friends who had lost a son to suicide, he signed up his daughter for a peer program with kids her age. Wilson had reservations about the shy teen's willingness to participate, but she agreed to give it a try. He dropped her off at the Center, half expecting to receive a text any minute saying, "Dad, come pick me up," but the text never came. When the session was over, he says happily, "I saw her come out with a smile on her face." To his further surprise, on the car ride home, she asked if she could come back the next week.

Emotion mists his eyes as he describes his relief to have found the Center. "For me," he says, his voice breaking, "to know that I had somewhere I could take her, that she had that peer support, and the support of all the volunteers and trained people who ran the groups was everything." He goes on to say, "And even for my wife, who was sick at the time, it was a relief for her too."

On a sad day in April, Mike's wife passed away. He was thankful when his daughter professed a desire to continue with the Center and that she was allowed to remain with the same familiar group, even after her mom's death. When the young girl went off to college, her CGC experience stayed with her. "It had a profound effect on her," Wilson says. "She even volunteered for Race for a Cure, for cancer."

Wilson was also inspired by the Center. "I decided it was time to give back," he says. "I realized I'd like to be a part of this." He made the choice to join the board of directors. He recalls his daughter's reaction. "The day I told her I joined the board, she got a big smile on her face," he remembers. "It meant so much to her."

His role as board president has given him a unique platform. "Not all board presidents," he says, "have a story like mine." At fundraisers, he often gets up and speaks. He admits that it's not easy, but he believes that people need to know what the Center does.

"Giving back these last four years and sharing my story I think has helped a lot of people," he says. "Sometimes I joke about it, but I've become 'the cancer whisperer.'" On a more serious note, he adds, "I've always believed that you have to give and not expect to receive back. But usually, when you do give, you get ten times back. But you have to do it for the right reason."

While the CGC is not just for children, It holds a special place for these most vulnerable sufferers. Childhood grieving was long misunderstood. "Back 35 years ago, no one thought children were grieving unless they were crying," Anne Heros says in a somber tone. She adds, "They thought it was short and sweet, and they would then move on. The indicators of trauma and loss for children had not been highlighted then the same way as now."

Expression through art is one of many ways the Center enables children to channel their grief. Crafts and games also provide an emotional outlet and encourage peer interaction among the children. While the younger ones have no real comprehension of death, the presence of peers who are experiencing the same trauma provides comfort and healing. If a child feels ready to talk about their feelings, trained facilitators are available with a sympathetic ear.

As for the parents of these grief-stricken offspring, Heros understands their challenges. "We are there to help families with difficult conversations," she says. "Parents often ask, 'What words should I use? How much information is too much?'" Struggling with their own grief, many of them worry about their ability to be a healthy parent. "Parenting," says Heros, "is a big part of what gets discussed."

The scope of the CGC extends beyond individuals and families. When Kennebunk Elementary School suffered two shocking losses, one of a student and another of a faculty member, Principal Ryan Quinn received essential support from the Center. The CGC guided the entire school community through the difficult journey of the grieving process.

With its magical way of turning grieving into giving, the Center inspired Quinn to volunteer. After participating in the training program, he went on to lead a teen support group at the Sanford location for several years. Subsequently, he has found the training he received to be invaluable in his role as principal.

While the Center's two locations serve their surrounding areas, the addition of Zoom peer group meetings on Monday nights has allowed them to widely expand their reach. This reach is not only geographical, but generational. According to Mike Wilson, the Zoom meetings have significantly increased the number of participants in their mid to late 20's.

Anne Heros would like to take this expansion further. "There are no other Centers like ours in Maine," she says. With firm conviction in her voice, she adds, "We should have a national voice and a national place for children and grief."

Like all nonprofits, the Center for Grieving Children relies on volunteers, donations, and grants in order to provide their free services. Heros is deeply appreciative of the support for the organization. "It's a community holding you when you are really struggling," she says.

In return, the Center holds the community's bereaved in a loving embrace. In this extraordinary place, shattered lives are rebuilt, devastated families restored, and broken hearts healed.

For more information, go to cgcmaine.org.