Issuu

Whatâ€™s the fuss about togas? / p. 4

How a UQ Union vote got hacked / p. 5

Bachelors of Western Civilisation: The Big Debate / p. 3

SEMPER

Edition 1, 2019. Since 1932. Free.

NEWS

Acknowledgement of Country Semper acknowledges the Turrbal and Jagera peoples as the traditional owners of the land on which this newspaper is created. We pay our respects to elders past and present.

Our Team

Editor’s Note Contents It’s always been so exceedingly frustrating to me the way that everybody at this university manages to start every orientation off in the same way. “Hello, welcome to UQ. You are now studying at a Group of Eight sandstone university. We have so many amazing services and facilities on campus. Here are the numbers for UQ Security.” Look, if I were in charge of talking to first years, I’d just be honest. “Welcome to your new home away from home. You’ll promise yourself to never drink again about three times this year. You’re going to have about ten experiences in the next six months where you ‘suddenly realise you’re finally an adult’. If you’re not already addicted to a caffeinated beverage, you will be soon. Take your expected graduation date and add two years if you hope to ever be considered realistic. Here’s where you can get condoms, and here’s the places UQ Security don’t check for sleepers.” That’s why I work for this publication, and not the O-Week team

News Respect Women’s Tear-out Poster Puzzles Regulars Union Pages Comedy

I am the UQ poet In my books you can trust If you follow President Trump This book is a must Title: Trump Chronicles Author: Mark Riordan Available: amazon.com.au Please search title and author

3 6 7 8 10 11 12 14

Editor in Chief Rowan Evans Editors Raphael Wixted, Ruby Green, Rebecca Kilpatrick, Tim Gardner, Nilsson Jones, Thomas Wiltshire, Isabella Scattini, Tiarni Miller Art Ruby Green (cover), Rebecca Kilpatrick, Google Images -> Tools -> Usage rights -> Labeled for reuse Printer Print on Demand, UQ St Lucia Publisher Semper is published by the UQ Union President, Georgia Millroy, but she respects our editorial independence. With Thanks Amy Sienkiewicz-Grob, Josh Knights, Drew Pavlou and all the boys down at Runcorn 4113 Disclaimer The views expressed in this publication are the personal opinions of the authors. They do not necessarily reflect the views of the editor or the views of UQU. All articles are to be considered opinionative in nature. All articles remain the intellectual property of the authors.

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UQ’s Attempt To Approve A Degree In Western Civilisation The project from the Ramsay Centre For Western Civilisation has been stirring controversy across Australia, and now UQ is at the forefront of the partisan debate, Nilsson Jones reports. As the semester starts, academics at the University of Queensland are embroiled in heated debate about whether to accept funding from an organisation called the Ramsay Centre. The Centre has been on the hunt for elite Australian universities willing to teach a pro-Western Civilisation degree that they have partially designed. In exchange, the Centre will make a substantial donation to the humanities department of the willing universities. Scrutiny has surrounded our university since the announcement last October that our chancellery had submitted an expression of interest on behalf of UQ to the Ramsay Centre. Only since the start of 2019 have the first official meetings between administration and rank-and-file academics begun. The talks among academics have largely been confidential, but here at Semper, we have two men on the inside. Namely, Alexander Asher and Lachlan Hardie, two of your undergraduate representatives on UQ’s Academic Board. And fortunately, for the entertainment value of this column, they are on opposing sides of the debate. Alexander Asher, who opposes the degree, likened the inclusion of a Western Civilisation degree to political dog whistling, in a speech he gave at a February 4th meeting of Academic Board, and then repeated in the Semper office a few hours later. “Dog whistling of this magnitude deserves no place in a prestigious academic institution” Alex said. Alex pointed out several shortcomings in the proposed reading material such as “the absence of non-white immigrant and intersectional feminists’ perspectives, and limited discussion of colonialism and its impact”. He also noted the omission of entire time periods, saying “Judeo-Christian values are used to falsely imply that contemporary moral

norms originate from the Bible, and [the degree] rather conveniently [skips] over any texts regarding the Dark Ages… and probably most importantly to me, there seems to be this belief that the Western culture ended twenty years ago.” “This is not intellectually rigorous analysis by design – this is identity building,” he said. At the same meeting, Lachlan Hardie, a fellow member of the Academic Board highlighted the impact funding would have for the humanities at UQ. “One of my primary concerns is seeing more funding granted for the HASS faculty. The Dean of Humanities and Social Sciences, Heather Zwicker, correctly pointed out that there is a lack of funds available to the faculty at present,” Lachlan told Semper. “If the university can satisfy itself that this is the correct way forward, this will bring a massive boost to the faculty,” he said. In response to criticism that European bias should be removed from academia, Lachlan said “there is scope for the university to consider representing other perspectives through electives that are already available. It is disappointing that some critics see the words ‘Western Civilisation’ and the titles of some set texts as inherently ethnocentric”. Recent talks between UQ and the Ramsay Centre have proposed courses that would teach texts detailing the impact of Western civilisation on Aboriginal people. Course readings would include text analysis of My Place by Sally Morgan, Bringing Them Home report, and Mabo v Queensland. In a recent letter to UQ staff, Vice-Chancellor Professor Peter Høj acknowledged that the decision was “complex and consequential”. “Colonisation, slavery and war are part of the historical record, but so are breakthroughs in medical science; the development of democratic institutions; and a rich artistic and literary legacy,” he said. He encouraged UQ staff to respond to the proposal with an open mind, and give feedback with “the courage to be challenged and to be challenging in return”. By the time that you read this, the feedback period will be over. UQ Senate will consider whether to move forward with official negotiations at its meeting on Monday 25th of February.

NEWS

A recent history of Toga parties ROWAN EVANS Editor-in-Chief This year marks the first time since 2014 that the UQ Union has hosted an O-Week Toga Party. And while normally we try to avoid shilling for UQU events in Semper, we can’t let this opportunity pass up without describing a bit about the mythos behind Toga. When I first arrived at uni in 2013, it was understood that “The World’s Biggest Toga Party” was the event of O-Week. Everyone I spoke to had bought a ticket, and I was more than willing to fit in. When the night arrived, a thunderstorm came with it. Undeterred, I took the green sheet off my bed, and wrapped it around my body. It was pouring rain when I boarded the Cleveland line train into the city. The train broke down at Thorneside. And for those of you who don’t know where Thorneside is, that’s the point. Stumbling around Thorneside in pouring rain, and before the days when Uber would have presented a quick way out, I found refuge at McDonald’s. While standing in line, I happened upon another group of three young people in the 18-25 age bracket also wearing togas. “Hello, are you guys going to the toga party?” I asked “Yes,” they said. “Very good, you have worn just the right outfit,” I informed them. Conversation continued along these lines until a deal was struck. One of them would source their car from nearby, and we would drive to the Riverstage.

I wish I could say I ended up being lifelong friends with my fellow Cleveland line refugees, but it turned out they all went to QUT, and despite still being friends on Facebook with some of them, we haven’t spoken since. I love them dearly all the same. Part of the reason why this joint event happened between QUT and UQ in those days was that the student unions at both campuses were run by members of the Young Liberal Party. At the end of 2013, UQ voted out ‘Fresh’, and replaced them with Young Labor outfit ‘Reform’, but QUT’s ‘EPIC’ survived (they had a habit of doing that). Reform and EPIC split up the toga party, citing irreconcilable differences. Unfortunately, much-needed democracy and transparency at UQ came at the cost of formative experiences shared with members of our rival university. And so it came to pass that in 2014, UQ’s Reform and QUT’s EPIC held two separate toga parties, though they both inexplicably took place at the Riverstage. In 2017, Reform getting voted out meant there was renewed hope that mum and dad would get back together again, but UQU and QUT Guild couldn’t make it work. When EPIC was finally deposed last year, UQU seized the chance to hold the sole O-Week Toga Party in Brisbane. This time they opted to hold it in the Great Court, rather than submit UQ students to the journey to QUT. 2019 QUT Guild President Vinnie Batten told Semper that QUT’s toga party had recently seen a decline in interest, losing considerable amounts of money, and that money is now being channeled into student support and a unique semester two party. But UQU Vice President of Campus Culture Tom Landy has high hopes that renewed interest in the return of Toga will mean a great event for UQ this year. He should hope so. The formative experience of thousands of students depends on it.

SEMPER M MPER

Referendum Results Question 1: Should the Constitution, excluding C54, be alterable by both Referenda and General Meetings of the Student Body? Question 2: Should paid student union executives be able to take a ‘sabbatical’ year, deferring studies for the period of their term whilst still remaining eligible to hold their positions? Results: NO and NO.

On the referendums ROWAN EVANS - Editor-in-Chief I think it’s important to make a quick note about the referendums that failed to pass at the end of last year. The referendums were originally slated to take place concurrently with the paper ballot student elections. To cut a long story short, the way that they were announced was not compliant with the regulations, so the paper referendum didn’t go ahead. This precipitated something of a haphazard regulation change to allow for a referendum to take place online. The problem with this is that online ballots are painful operations even at the best of times. The reason being it’s much easier to watch people physically fill out one ballot with pencil and paper and stick it in a cardboard box than it is to watch a bunch of ones and zeros fly into a server. Among the many problems that can go wrong in an online ballot is that voters have less reason to believe that nobody knows who they voted for. In a regular voting room, it’s easy enough to check over your shoulder to make sure nobody’s making sure you vote “the right way”. Additionally, you have no reason to believe that your vote is going to be tallied correctly. In a paper ballot, you know that your paper reads exactly what you wrote on it when it arrives in the box. When you have to rely on a website to do it for you, you can never guarantee that the server receives the same vote you submitted. Somebody could intercept your vote and change what it says. And although the server could, in theory, send you a receipt to confirm the way that you voted, this comes at the cost of your anonymity. Not to mention the chance that votes could be changed on the server-side, or that such a receipt mechanism could be spoofed by an attacker. But critically, and the place where this referendum

went wrong, is that paper ballots often have a table at the front where you present your ID, and a clerk checks your photo to be sure you are who you say you are. The Returning Officer for this referendum (who is from outside UQU) only asked for a voter’s student number and surname. If you wanted to, you could probably get five of these by just asking a group of friends to show you their ID cards so you can look at how different you all look since your photo was taken. Obviously there’s a limit to how much an individual could collect just from among their mates. But what if you had access to a big list of surnames and student numbers? Obviously, the stumbling block here is that it would take you a long time to actually go through and vote with a list of stolen details, and during that time several of those people would cast their own legitimate vote. But during the referendum last year, I arrived at the Semper office to find attached to the door a sheet of paper with about twenty lines of code, written in Python. All the code needed was a list of names and numbers, and it would access the website, and submit votes on behalf of those students. Around the same time, somebody in the UQ Computing Society pointed out in the society’s chatroom that, from special access to a UQ server, they had a big list of names and numbers, and it would only take a short time to block the referendums. The UQ Union ended up challenging the validity of the referendums on the grounds that 2,218 votes came from one computer off-campus. Only the Returning Officer could declare the vote invalid. They chose not to. The Computing Society member has told Semper that he was joking. We don’t mean to imply that he was responsible, just that he noticed what someone ended up exploiting. The only thing we are sure of is that the Union won’t atttempt another online ballot again.

NEWS

Random Acts of Respect So much of the conversation around sexual assault and harassment is about self-control or the victim-blamey advice on defending yourself. But it seems to us here at Semper that what’s so often misisng is the advice on how to intervene when you see it happening before your very eyes. So that’s what this column is for. We want to ask regular people how they’ve stepped in when they see something going on. We hope that these accounts of everyday heroes will embolden readers when a critical moment arises. NILSSON JONES - Semper Editor

BELLA SCATINI - Semper Editor

Yeah, so, it was a Saturday night. I was outside the Pig & Whistle in the City. And look, I was pretty drunk myself. But I was just leaving the pub, and there was a couple that seemed to be having an argument outside of a taxi. As far as I could gather, the woman wanted to stay out with her friends, and the guy was more than ready to go home, so I kinda just watched it from the sidelines for a minute or so, until it started to escalate. The girls’ friends had kinda left and kept their distance. If I had to guess, they were 20 or so metres away. And as I just saw the conversation escalate, I walked closer without kinda looking like I was going to intervene, as if I was going to get a taxi myself. Then I kinda told the guy that he really needed to settle down, that everyone was watching him, and how he’s behaving is not really appropriate. He obviously didn’t take that too well, and he just told me to eff off, et cetera. I told the girl, like kinda in passing, that “you need, like, your friends to get over here. Like, they can’t leave you alone.” She kinda walked off to go with her friends, and he followed, so I kinda followed with them. But then her friends were able to, I suppose, get in the way, and help, kinda remove the two from each other, and help settle the guy down. But then he went off in a bit of a fucken pissy rage, and got his own taxi home. But I just saw that situation escalating, and even though I was pretty drunk myself, I thought I couldn’t leave it alone. I’m not a hero, just a good bloke in Brisbane on the rumbos. Well, you gotta be really mindful. Having my time again, I still definitely would have gone over. But it is a pretty risky situation. If there is someone like a security guard or a cop nearby, it’s definitely more wise to advise them to get involved than yourself, because you can get pretty hurt in the process. But, I suppose it’s just always having your eyes and ears out for what’s going on. People are in danger, or people are having conflicts.

I have been in that situation where you consider whether you intervene or not, because that could be their boyfriend or their friend, and they could be being looked after. Or it could be a situation that’s potentially quite bad. When it’s your friends, you always sort of get in between them, I think. Generally in conversation, even when you’re dancing, there’s a sort of unwritten code amongst girls of dragging each other across the circle, that sort of stuff, that we all get pretty good at pretty soon from going out. I think we have amongst friends, an established code. You can tell on someone’s face when they’re uncomfortable, and you intervene in the conversation. You tell them “Oh, come to the bathroom with me”, or you drag them over to somewhere else. Generally, going to the bathroom is a good excuse, because they can’t follow you in there! But I don’t think I’ve ever, with one of my friends, witnessed a situation that was super-scary, but that sort of casual creepiness is more of the issue [for us], I think. It’s impossible to know where things would have gone if you hadn’t done that. I don’t reflect on it too much, because it’s just so normal. It’s just a part of going out. If you can’t see a girl, or no-one knows where she is, it’s like “now we’ve got to hunt her down”. We’re all very well-trained in looking after each other, I think. If you’re with someone, look at their face. People will generally let you know how they’re feeling. For girls, I think we’re all pretty good at this anyway, but make sure you know where your friends are, and make sure you know if they’re comfortable with the situations that they’re in. And if someone’s being creepy, it’s not funny, which sometimes I think people can find it. It may seem funny for an observer, but for the person in the situation, it’s not, so make sure you try and get them out of there.

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A Woman’s Guide to Uni AMY SIENKIEWICZ-GROB - Retired Semper Editor weird when you inevitably need to ask for a spare tampon on that one day you forget to pack some. On Trust me, You can thank me later. second thought, make two friends, in case the first 2. - Given the choice between an extra 30 min- needs a tampon too!

Number 1 – Read this Guide!

utes of sleep or doing your makeup, take the 7. - Take Care of Yourself Take care of your health, both mental and physical, sleep I cannot stress this enough. By week 10, when your heart is pumping more coffee than blood, and your study list is longer than a 66 bus queue, you’ll have wished you slept the extra 30 minutes. Yes, even if you look like the walking dead without makeup. (And by this point, you will!)

3. - Join a Club! More specifically join many clubs! But don’t just join any club. Make sure to look out for clubs with a female presence. Join your faculty club. Find the women who’ll be by your side throughout your course. And if you really want to challenge yourself, join a male dominated club and build up the female representation from scratch!

4. - Make yourself aware of campus Security This advice is applicable to everyone, but, women, be especially aware. Your first priority when beginning study here is to download the UQ SafeZone App. The app is location-based and will connect you directly to Campus Security or emergency services regardless of the situation. It’s free, so you have nothing to lose! Another tip while we’re on the topic of security -- add UQ Campus Security (3365 3333) as a contact in your phone. Consider it added insurance in case you ever need it.

5. - Be a feminist! And by this, I do not mean you need to be one of these big, scary, capital-F “Feminists”. Just learn to love the fact that you are, in fact, a woman. I know, it’s hard. But trust me. University is hard enough already. Life is even harder. Learn to love the fact that you are a woman; that you are capable, strong and severely underestimated. Because we really are awesome. So, tell yourself you are a feminist. Learn to love the fact that you are a woman and I promise, it’ll make everything just a little easier.

6. - Make at least one female friend in your classes.

They don’t need to be your best friend and closest confidant. Just know them well enough so it isn’t

and make certain you always set time aside for yourself. For me, that means sitting with a cup of tea and reading (or binge watching Friends reruns). Maybe your self-care routine means signing up to your local gym and eating healthy. However you choose to do it is up to you, but whatever it is make it something that makes you feel good! Make sure every once in a while you treat yourself. Buy those shoes you’ve been eyeing for weeks. That cute top you can wear to impress that particular someone (you know who I’m talking about). Get that book you know you’ll love, spend way too much on makeup at Mecca, or order that super cute pink vibrator because sometimes we all need an extra special something. Trust me, as a woman entering her twenties, sometimes treating yourself is what gets you through the hard parts and reminds you that every once in a while you deserve to feel special!

8. - And finally, if you remember nothing else I’ve said today, remember this – When women support women, women win University is going to be difficult. It is the beginning of a series of stages in your life that will be difficult and hopefully also incredibly rewarding and memorable. As a woman, you’re going to come across a lot of other women in your life and while you may not love them all, remember they’re women too. They struggle just the same as you. They forget tampons on the days they need them most, have bad hair days way too often, probably spend way too much money on clothes or shoes or makeup or all of the above! These women also know what it’s like to feel vulnerable, just like you. To feel unsafe or uncomfortable. And these women have all had there #Metoo moment or know someone who has. The women you come across throughout your life might not all be the same, but they are all women. So take the time to smile at them. Encourage each other. Cheer them on, even if it’s silently. And remember, when women support women, women win

O Week

Market Day

Wednesday

April 1

First week where content becomes worth studying.

Check whether lectures are worth going to this semester

Tuesday

Monday

Skip coffee with cute classmate this week, or you might seem too eager

Get coffee with cute classmate again because they seem nice

Get coffee with cute classmate

Thursday

March 1

Toga Party

Friday

Saturday

Last day to drop courses for free, sick as!

Tell yourself itâ€™s all going to be different this semester.

Sunday

SWOT Vac

Mid Sem

Listen to lectures at 2x speed while jogging around your suburb at night so it’s too dark for anyone to see you crying about cute classmate.

UQ Muck-up Day

Big-brained lecturer going to switch off their mic and give out exam answers only to students present this week.

Only need to keep going to class at this point if you want a 7.

17 Meet cute classmate’s significant other. Try to make a good impression anyway.

Labour Day

Find out cute classmate already has a significant other.

Find out cute classmate and significant other are having some minor relationship trouble, and convince yourself that it’d really impress them if you got a 7 on this exam, and you two might have a chance to be happy together

June 1

Explain to cute classmate that you were actually in rural Queensland and must have had like 1 bar of reception, because you definitely sent that message at 7pm and went to bed at 9pm... but you’re back in town now if they want to hang out or something.

Say something socially baffling at a midsem party in front of cute classmate. Leave at 8:30pm and lie awake in bed all night.

Text cute classmate ‘you up?’ at 2am

Ask cute classmate if you can hold their hand in class. (If no, pretend it was a joke)

May 1

Get brunch with cute classmate to mix things up.

Stumble through explaining to cute classmate why nobody else came to the study group.

Invite cute classmate to a ‘study group’ this Wednesday

this week, or you might seem too eager

NEWS

Cryptic Crossword Authored by White Bishop

ACROSS 1. Person who chooses other way than tire e’er (7) 5. Spooner would desire motel for skittles (4-3) 9. As ten is to two directions with quilt upturned (9) 10. Dutch wife, are you into the vow? (5) 11. Computer found for when I ace it. (5) 12. Anticipate and comprehend (9) 14. Billy, glue it in with direction! Turned out not like the one above. (14) 17. A model shown again (14) 21. Stir methane to have shabby insect consumed (4-5) 23. Send out for quite encouragement. (5)

Easier Clues

ACROSS 1. One who has finished work (7) 5. A skittle (4-3) 9. Five times (9) 10. Dutch wife (5) 11. Old Computer (5) 12. Comprehend (9) 14. Not understandable (14) 17. A model (14) 21. Shabby particularly clothes (4-5) 23. Rinse, clean. (5) 24. Avoid (5) 25. Obviously. (9) 26. In good taste (7) 27. In a particular direction (7)

24. Avoid first lady gaining a promotion (5) 25. Obviously like a dent in evil unknown. (9) 26. Large animal loses acid levels for a grand, in good taste (7) 27. Sports group at back of vessel for a quarter (7) DOWN 1. Real UQ woman. (6) 2. The cost of intuition (7) 3. Recent ice falls have increased Bring a completed copy reservation. (9) of this crossword to the 4. Military installation used by Semper office, and enter size and location with many the draw to win a $5 UQU males at a time. (11) voucher! 5. Sounds like the joint name she had first. (3) 6. Roman legionary fortress for multiple bright stars. (5) 7. Saying for action (7) 8. These times when no state has a promotion with unknown direction (8) 13. Checks the track of gene into lip. (5,6) 15. Got initial on-site permission about being onboard so start the run. (2,2,5) 16. Initial performance review evening might in-turn enjoy re-run (8) 18. Thick soup made from half a potato and some sage. (7) 19. Pill for the glutton, I hear (7) 20. A person can yen for a song. (6) 22. The head seems as an alternative place to have a watery swelling (5) 25. Baby newt nearly left. (3)

The same crossword made simpler.

DOWN 1. Woman’s name. (6) 2. Fee for lessons (7) 3. Reserved. (9) 4. Military installation. (11) 5. Maiden name. (3) 6. Multiple bright stars. (5) 7. Saying (7) 8. These times (8) 13. A vehicle that checks the track. (5,6) 15. Start a print run. (2,2,5) 16. First public performance (8) 18. Thick soup. (7) 19. Tradename of an oral contraceptive (7)

20. A person from African Country (6) 22. A watery swelling (5) 25. Baby newt. (3)

Previous Solution: ACROSS 1 kneecap. 5 precede. 9 crenelate. 10 set-up. 11 Ebola. 12 acetylene. 14 relentlessness. 17 Serena Williams. 21 eastwards. 23 tinge. 24 bathe. 25 epicenter. 26 eyeless. 27 gestate. DOWN 1 kicker. 2 eyesore. 3 Caesarean. 4 Peasants’ War. 5 pee. 6 essay. 7 extreme. 8 espresso. 13 everlasting. 15 swiftness. 16 assemble. 18 rosette. 19 minutia. 20 hearse. 22 where. 25 ens.

SEMPER

Sudoku Easy

Hard

Word on the Street Your thoughts, as told to Zil Silvester

Do you ever go to lectures?

Victor

Vithya

Elizabeth

1st year PhD, Restoration Ecology

5th year Bachelor of Business/Journalism

Honours year, Bachelor of Biomedical Science

Yes I went to 90% of my lectures unless I was sick. I genuinely was interested and wanted to learn.

Yes and no. I go if I have tutorials that day too. Otherwise I like to listen to my lectures in 1.5 times at home to save time.

Absolutely not. It was easier to listen to lectures online and peruse the lecture slides.

NEWS

President’s Report Georgia Millroy - FOCUS I began my term as President of the Student Union midway through December, and it has been a busy few months! The big priority this month was UQU’s SSAF applications. Each semester, every UQ student pays roughly $300 in the form of a ‘Student Services and Amenities Fee’, which is used by UQ to fund non-academic services for students. UQ collects about $12 million in SSAF each year, and the Union gets 20% of that, although it’s not our only source of revenue. Each year, we have to go through an operating plan for the next 12 months and show UQ what we’ll be spending SSAF on. The applications were due on the 29th of January, so fingers crossed UQ gives us the all clear! We’ve also been organising activities for O-Week. Our marketing team and Campus Culture Vice-Presidents have been hard at work organising Market Day, the Toga Party in the Great Court, and heaps of other events like Speed Friending and Wine & Painting nights. Keep an eye out for all the fantastic things UQU will be doing at the beginning of semester - if you’re a first year, it’s the best time to make friends. If

you’ve been around a couple of years, socialising on campus is the best way to slowly ease yourself back into uni life. Our Business Trading team has been working on UQU’s new bar, in Building 41 opposite Wordies, which will replace the Red Room once the UQU complex redevelopment has begun. We will also be updating the Natural Amphitheatre; improving the seats, acoustics and stage so the space will be perfect for events. It’s a long term project that won’t be ready until 2020, but it’s great to see it all unfold. In among all this, I got to travel to Poland with a group of Australian student leaders and the Australian Union of Jewish Students. We visited Jewish communities and learned about how to fight discrimination, especially in the politically polarised world we are living in now. Overall, January was a pretty busy month! It’s great to see so many projects happening and I can’t wait to watch it all unfold. Like Jeremy, I have an open door policy, so if you have any questions, you’re always welcome to come and say hi.

Opposition Leader’s Report Maddie Cunnington - Momentum Whether you’re in your first year, and you’re picking this magazine up for the first time, or you’re a jaded fifth year who can’t wait to graduate, welcome! My name’s Maddie and I’m from a group called Momentum. We’re a group of progressive students from a huge range of clubs, campuses and backgrounds, and we ran for election to your student union last year. As a first-time electoral group, we received almost 40% of the popular vote. This means that students voted several of us onto the UQ Union Council. Momentum Officers will be representing the Abilities Collective, as well as the Dentistry and Medicine portfolios. Finally, Momentum will be representing you at Gatton this year through our Gatton Board member and Gatton officers. We couldn’t be more excited and proud to be doing so. In 2019, Momentum will hold our student union accountable. Students face a range of challenges: many of us struggle to manage our mental health navigating uni, face unfair conditions at work, and deal with strict and inaccessible courses at uni. Far too many of us face discrimination, sexual assault, and a lack of accessibility. It’s a brutal system that can leave many of us feeling disempowered and disenfranchised. That’s why student unions exist: to advocate for us on those issues. To be a collective voice with the

power to effect real change on the behalf of all of us, as individuals. Momentum was established because we believe our student union could do a much better job of fighting for students. We believe that students should demand more from their union, and that’s why in 2019, we’ll fight for you, every single day. To make a start on that, we’d like to bring your attention to the UQ’s proposed Ramsay Centre deal - a funding agreement which could potentially bring a major in “Western Civilisation” to UQ. Academics at UQ have already raised concerns that the course will restrict academic freedom. We think that humanities at UQ should place an emphasis on diversity, and critique of colonialist, imperialist and white-centric perspectives - even where this means criticising traditionally “Western” society. In the coming weeks, you’ll see Momentum campaigning and advocating on this issue in UQ Union Council meetings. This year, I encourage you to be as involved as you can in making life on campus a better place for students - whether that’s through becoming involved in clubs, attending Union Council meetings, or volunteering with a campaign. Student voices are powerful; they can, and do, make a difference.

SEMPER

Cross Bench Reports Last year, the Student Union Council was made up of only two parties. As a result of an increase in the number of Council seats, as well as an increase in the number of parties contesting the election, Union Council now has a substantial crossbench. These are their stories.

Priya De - Student Action 2019 has started with more horrifying climate disaster; a mass fish death on the Murray-Darling, fires in Tasmania and floods in Townsville. Every day, news articles show that, essentially, the world might be coming to an end soon. That’s why Student Action will be pushing for students to get behind the March 15 school strike for climate action. Last year’s school strikers – whip smart and defiant – were a glimmer of hope in an otherwise bleak political landscape. Scott “coal-fetish” Morrison and Bill “stand-for-nothing” Shorten are both agents of global capitalism who profit from environmental destruction. Obviously, it will take pressure from below to

stop the planet ending up a smouldering death heap. On March 15, students around the world are marching for climate justice. Some of the Australian demands are a full transition to renewable energy by 2030, no new investment in coal or gas, and to stop the Adani mega-mine. These are all things university students should get behind. So, Friday Week 3, everyone should skip your classes, and head down to Queens Garden at 1pm to join the university contingent for climate action. Life on earth literally depends on fighting the corporate elite, so, uh, hop to it.

Kurt Tucker - Smokers’ Rights First of all a big thank you to the UQ student body for electing Australia’s first tobacco-specific representative to high office. Obviously, my primary concern, along with that of my electoral group, is freeing students from the bonds of an unreasonable and completely unsafe Smoking Ban foisted upon us by the mercurial Peter Høj. This ban has put women at risk late at night on campus, forced students away from study areas during stressful exam blocks, and put them in danger of academic punishment or even physical harm from egregious and aggressive over-policing by UQ Security. More than that, it has attacked the principles of

choice and free will that should be available for all, ise an activity that is enand apparently criminalised d serves as a ffunding source for schools, tirely legal and pitals and oother vital infrastructure. Smokers of hospitals UQ, I sa salute you, stay strong, keep up the fight. Outside the issue of the smoking ban, I stand on my record as a former UQ Union Councillor and twoime Academic Board representative to serve the best time ll students regardless of political iideolointerests of all d an office, my door wo gy or expediency. If I had would be open. Alas, I’m not that important.

Gloria Woods - Team Rocket First, I’d like to welcome everyone back to the semester. For those out of the loop with student politics, we represent Team Rocket, the truly independent ‘political’ student party on campus. You may know us from our previous escapades such as Rocketeers, Guardians of the Union or that team that followed SALT around blaring the Soviet National Anthem (Check out Team Rocket For UQU on facebook to catch the masterpiece again). Thanks to your support, we were able to scoop up one council seat, going to Councillor Gloria Woods. Independence is one thing Team Rocket would like

to concentrate on this year, and Councillor Woods hopes to keep an independent voice within the sea of Red, Blue and Yellow. As such, we want to provide a chance for all students to send in their motions, or let us know of things they’d like the Union to focus on, or even pass. If you’ve never put forward a motion before, that’s okay. We can handle the hard stuff. Just send forward your ideas for things you’d like council to discuss to our Facebook Page! (Just I ask please no more Star Wars sequel votes.. please).

COMEDY

Speculator

St Lucia

UQ’s other news source since 1933

Social Sciences Annexe To Stay Open Outside Of Class Hours In Case You Need To Study In Total Shithole UQ Properties and Facilities have issued a notice to students today that Building 31A, the Social Sciences Annexe, is always open outside of class hours if any student wants to study in a total shithole. “Just for the record, if you ever feel like appreciating a building that has had the bare minimum of upkeep, we absolutely recommend this cesspit to you,” the press release explained. “We are also thrilled to let you know that we have attached a big fuck-off ramp for students of all abilities to access the verandahs on this eyesore of a building. “However given that the thresholds along the doorframe come a good three inches off the ground, good luck actually getting in a door once you’re up there.” At press time, no student had willingly accepted the offer.

Peter Høj Announces Bachelor of Peter Høj Studies PETER HØJ, AC - Vice-Chancellor and President of UQ I am delighted to announce that students at the University of Queensland will be able to enroll in a Bachelor of Peter Høj Studies beginning in Semester 2, 2019. Some students may be confused. Indeed, many have already asked me as I walk around campus, “Don’t we already have a Bachelor of Scandinavian Studies?”, and “How would this even begin to get me a job after graduation?” I hope that a quick review of the course list will help to answer both of these questions. The prospective course list for the 2019 cohort of the Bachelor of Peter Høj Studies is as follows: PHOJ1100 - Introduction to Peter Høj (AC, MSc, PhD, Hon. DUniv Copenhagen, Hon.DUniv S.Aust., FNAI, FTSE) PHOJ1200 - Introduction to Danish Biochemistry PHOJ1501 - Introductory methods for counting your enormous accumulated wealth DRAM1350 - Theatrical Deconstruction PHOJ2501 - Intermediate methods for tallying your viking gold PHOJ2380 - Advanced Methods In Pronouncing Ø PHOJ3260 - Strategies in hooded robes,sacrificial rites, and the hidden tunnels beneath the great court PHOJ3501 - Advanced methods in making seven digits a year as vice-chancellor of a university and people inexplicably being okay with that PHOJ3900 - How to keep a straight face while saying the Ramsay Centre will be good for students

Vice-Chancellor and President, Professor Peter Høj, AC (MSc, PhD, Hon.DUniv Copenhagen, Hon.DUniv S.Aust., FNAI, FTSE) I trust that this has cleared up many of the misconceptions, and that the value of this degree will become immediately apparent to those reading. If you have any complaints, please note that the consultation period ended while you were on holidays. Vi ses senere!

COMEDY

Pill Testers Wanted For Great Court Party Hey, kids! It’s Randy Landy here, and I’m ready to have some fun. Are youse ready for a rager of a toga party this O-Week? Because I know I sure am! But hey, while I’ve got youse here, just a quick question. Do any of youse know how to operate one of these you-beaut pill-testing kits we’ve been hearing so much about in the media? Because I want this Party to be as lit as anyone can imagine, and I’m sure we all know what a fucking blow to your night out it is when you OD on a bit of the old disco bickies. So look, if you know a thing or two about pingers, or you can separate your ‘spike’ from your ‘clicker’ (and no fellas, I don’t mean the body parts!), then get in touch with me ASAP at tom.landy@uqu.com.au Cheers, cunts, and I can’t fucken wait to see youse all at Toga. (Note: Over 18s only need apply, unless you’re fully sick)

UQ LNC Still Considering Position On QUT StalkerSpace Refugees The UQ LNC has met for the fifth time this week to discuss processing options for the deluge of people seeking asylum in UQ StalkerSpace after Facebook deleted QUT StalkerSpace last week. “While we understand the huge number of human lives involved in this incident, we also need to be mindful not to create an incentive for shitposters to enter our communities,” a spokesperson said. The myriad options up for consideration have not

been announced publicly, but an informant spoke to The St Lucia Speculator on the condition of anonymity. “Currently, we are considering the possibility of creating a processing facility within the Griffith StalkerSpace,” they explained. “Originally, we wanted to turn them around, but we’ve since had confirmation that the Australian Navy is unavailable for the job.”

Disgraceful! Obiter Editor Claims “It’s Pronounced Mishy” Editors for UQLS newspaper, The Obiter have been caught with their chinos down this week after weighing in on the ongoing academic debate about pronunciation of ‘Michie’. In a disgraceful display this weekend, the previously well-regarded editor Joe Dwyer called a press conference, ostensibly with only the goal of subjecting himself to shame and ridicule in mind. At this press conference, police will allege that Mr Dwyer told the crowd (which included children) that Building 9 at UQ was called ‘The Mishy Building’.

The statement has brought disrepute onto a newspaper previously considered to be second best after the St Lucia Speculator. Mr Dwyer himself has worked tirelessly in uncovering the sexual addiction and associated depravity of one member of the UQLS executive. Print editions of The Obiter have been pulled from stands, and a petition calling for Mr Dwyer’s resignation has reached 5,000 signatures. The correct pronunciation of Michie continues to be ‘Mikey’.