Semper 2018: The Blue Edition

How Grading Head to Head: Inconsistencies New Monarchist How GradingStudentHead to Head: Club takes The Plot Kill Are Killing onto UQ Inconsistencies Student Events on Dreams / p.3 New Monarchist Republican Club / p.5

Disadvantage UQ Students

Club takes on UQ Republican Club

Campus

The Plot to Kill Student Events on Campus / p. 4

SEMPER

Edition 1, 2018. Since 1932. Free.

NEWS

Acknowledgement of Country Semper acknowledges the Turrbal and Jagera peoples as the traditional owners of the land on which this newspaper is created. We pay our respects to elders past and present.

Editor’s Note Contents

Our Team

For me, the first week back at uni is always the most traumatic. This holidays, I discovered the wonderful world of 20-minute YouTube documentaries. In the next few weeks, I have to not only wean myself off this addiction, I also have to find out how to answer friends when they ask “What did you get up to over the break?”

The good news is that I can proudly report to friends, acquaintances, and nosy ice-breaker-loving tutors that I also spent a decent amount of time creating this new-look Semper for you, dear reader.

But how are you going to dodge those questions from your pesky small-talking classmates? My advice on that front is to do what I did after the Summer I did nothing but marathon the James Bond series and cook every flavour of grilled cheese sandwich: Lie. Alternatively, you could distract them with one of our fascinating news stories, like how a UQ Union employee saved the student body from having all their events cancelled this year (page 4). Or maybe they’d like to hear some of the sex tips on page 7.

And if, somehow, these don’t start an incredible conversation, well, that just gives you more time to finish the crossword on page 10.

Editor in Chief Rowan Evans

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News 3 Queer 6 Women’s Guide 6 Sex 7 Competition 7 Tear-out Poster 8 Puzzles 10 Regulars 11 Union Pages 12 Comedy 14 Write for us!

Message the Semper Floreat facebook page, or drop into our new offices near the Red Room

Editors Xander Hayward, Amelie Lonsdale, Richard Lawson, Kayla Reimann, Alexander Asher, Morgan Pendergast, Amy Sienkiewicz-Grob, Oscar Green, Raphael Wixted.

Cover Art Tessa Clarkson Printer Print on Demand, UQ St Lucia Publisher Semper is published by the UQ Union President, Jeremy Lwin With Thanks Kate Bottom, Lisa Steele, Jeremy Lwin, Harry Spicer, Catrin Renstrom, all the boys down at Runcorn 4113 Disclaimer

The views expressed in this publication are the personal opinions of the authors. They do not necessarily reflect the views of the editor or the views of UQU. All articles are to be considered opinionative in nature. All articles remain the intellectual property of the authors.

STALLS // 10AM –2PM // CAMPBELL PLACE

STALLS // 10AM –2PM // CAMPBELL PLACE

CAMPUS TOURS // 11AM, 12PM, 1PM CAMPBELL PLACE

CAMPUS TOURS // 11AM, 12PM, 1PM CAMPBELL PLACE

ENTERTAINMENT HUB // 12PM –4PM GREAT COURT

ENTERTAINMENT HUB // 12PM –4PM GREAT COURT

SOCCER // 12PM –3PM GREAT COURT

TCHOUKBALL // 12PM –3PM GREAT COURT

SPEED FRIENDING // 2PM–4PM // GREAT COURT

WELCOME BBQ // 12.30PM–2PM // GREAT COURT

MOONLIGHT MOVIE // 6PM –9PM GREAT COURT

MOONLIGHT MOVIE // 6PM –9PM GREAT COURT

SEMPER

Substandard Deviation

How a lack of consistency in UQ grading is cutting students

ALEXANDER ASHER - Academia Editor The GPA. A dreaded culmination of three to five years of blood, sweat and alcoholism. And with each passing day the university student gets closer to being branded by a final number that will haunt them for the rest of their professional career. All GPAs are equal, but some GPAs are more equal than others.

It was a cold August night in 2016.

Associate Professor Susan Rowland and her team published a paper for the Assessment Sub-Committee for the UQ Institute of Teaching and Learning Innovation (ITaLI). The paper, titled Consistency and Comparability of Grading Outcomes at UQ, attempts to analyse what data gathered from 2007-2015 says about grading disparity between courses and degrees at UQ. This paper, which should have sent shockwaves through the student community, instead vanished into obscurity. Today in Semper, we take a look at a report so important, the only way to find it is to spend five seconds googling it.

It comes as no surprise that Rowland’s team found student performances vary across courses. Part of this stems from differences in disciplinary norms, as you would expect. The standard of knowledge required for a medical student will be invariably higher than that of an arts student (consider the difference in consequence between dropping a scalpel in a live human being and dropping a burger patty). Does this difference justify fail

rates of 0.1% in some courses and 23% in others?

Put simply, no. Not when employers often value our worth by a single number.

Such variance perversely incentivises students to behave in a way that is academically dishonest. One only needs to look at UQ CourseSpace, and the regular threads of desperate students course-shopping for the mythical easy 7. This isn’t so much a fault of these hopefuls as it is a fault in the system.

Students pursuing Honours or Postgraduate studies shouldn’t have to do courses outside their field of study just to boost their numbers to an arbitrary cut-off. For people from lower socioeconomic backgrounds such as myself, we are financially unable to pick up the so called GPA boosters, and are pressured by the need to maintain a minimum GPA to keep scholarships and go into Honours. As a result, we have to go as far as changing entire career paths as to not risk programs with historically low average GPAs. I spoke to the UQ Union’s Vice Pres-

ident of Student Rights, Paul Taylor, about the issue.

“The grading inequality at UQ shows just how far the University has to go to produce the ‘game changing graduates’ they mention in their future strategy,” Mr Taylor said.

“Maintaining high grades throughout your degree is not always feasible, as some low SES students need to work more than 15 hours per week to pay the bills – even while living at home.

“There must be flexibility so that the University’s diverse student community can build practical skills outside of their studies without the fear that anything below a 6 could jeopardise their scholarship or chances at Honours.

“The UQ Union is ready and willing to work with the University to fix these issues,” he said.

UQ’s policy on student welfare is to ensure that “no individual students are unfairly advantaged or disadvantaged” in their studies. And although the semesterly SECaT surveys tries to address this by asking students whether they felt they “had a clear understanding of the goals and aims” of a course, this doesn’t go far enough towards addressing the problem.

After all, there’s a big difference between understanding a marathon and being able to run it.

The Semper editors would be interested in your opinion on this piece for publication in a future issue.

STALLS // 10AM –2PM // CAMPBELL PLACE

STALLS // 10AM –2PM // CAMPBELL PLACE

CAMPUS TOURS // 11AM, 12PM, 1PM CAMPBELL PLACE

CAMPUS TOURS // 11AM, 12PM, 1PM CAMPBELL PLACE

ENTERTAINMENT HUB // 12PM –4PM GREAT COURT INFLATABLE WORLD // 12PM –4PM INFLATABLE BALL PASS // 12PM –3PM GREAT COURT SPEED FRIENDING // 2PM–4PM // GREAT COURT MOONLIGHT MOVIE // 6PM–9PM // GREAT COURT

ENTERTAINMENT HUB // 12PM –4PM GREAT COURT GIANT LAWN GAMES // 12PM–2PM GREAT COURT THE GREAT COURT PARTY // 6PM –10.30PM GREAT COURT

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NEWS

The War On Student Events

XANDER HAYWARD - Student Life Editor

Have you ever wondered how club events are made? Allow me to explain: when a President and a Social Convenor love each other very much, they decide to spend hours dealing with the UQ Bureaucracy™.

The President usually initiates contact with a polite email, and the Bureaucrat replies with stern directions to the President, outlining which forms they will need to fill out for a chance at a small event in five weeks’ time. So begins the magical dance of life for Campus Culture at UQ. As arduous as these email chains often prove to be for Club Executives, the situation is equally difficult for the University staff who have to administer the bookings. A student could have sympathy for the humble Bureaucrat, who, equipped with only a desktop computer, has to sort through requests from 200 Clubs and Societies who are planning to schedule some fun for their members.

And so it goes, according to a University spokesperson, that the system was changed to accommodate these pressures.

“The ad hoc nature of request and changes had caused considerable efforts both for UQ Room Bookings and the Clubs Executive to the point of unsustainability,” the spokesperson said.

“In an effort to improve the booking process and the overall student experience, the collation of known booking re-

quirements by a certain date was determined a more viable solution,” he said.

Now this would have been fine, except that the University determined that this date should be in the middle of December.

That is to say, all Club Executives would have had to check their student email, and then prepare and plan a year’s worth of events at exactly the same time that every student puts university life as far from their minds as possible.

Arab Students Association President Adam Alyahya says it’s a good thing that the plan never went ahead.

“Of our fifteen executive members, ten of us were overseas in mid-December,” Mr Alyahya said.

“I would have gone away too if it weren’t for work commitments,” he said.

Enter James Hudson, UQU’s Clubs and Societies Convenor.

There are two kinds of students at UQ. Those who think James Hudson is a living legend, and those who have nothing to do with Clubs and Societies.

In many ways, James is UQ Campus Culture. Some say he invented the sausage sizzle, and others say he made pub crawls cool. Whatever the truth really is, James has been the greatest resource for any Club President in living memory. And in our darkest hour, he was our greatest hero.

See, the proposed system would likely

have killed Campus Culture at UQ. International students would have been out of the country during the cut-off, and those students still in the country were probably sinking a few tinnies with friends and family, blissfully unaware of the threat looming over their heads.

Luckily, the last thing the University would ever want is for students to completely stop hosting events on campus -God forbid the University administration ever have to host their own event for the student body.

So James called the University’s bluff, and negotiated for a much better deal for students. Club Executives will still be required to fill out a roster of all events and meetings that they have planned for the entire year. Only now, some extra room bookings will be allowed throughout the year. The University still expects that clubs will have a roster prepared by the start of Semester One, but James’s system comes with a handful of perks. Certainty of room bookings is one. Another is that bookings are now available in weeks one and two, which has never been possible in the past.

Thank you for all your hard work, James Hudson. Semper salutes you.

A Sizzling Hundred for Brisbane Acts OSCAR GREEN - Cultural Editor The eagerly awaited Hottest 100 countdown has hit the airwaves once again.

We’ve all heard the drama about Kendrick Lamar, a non-Australian, topping our local charts for the first time since Macklemore’s ‘Thrift Shop’ in 2012, so I’m here to touch on some less-well-known problems, and how those in the Brisbane scene fared.

I noticed shock and disbelief from many on my end at the astonishing omission of the track of the century ‘Smoko’

by The Chats became increasingly evident. No doubt the boys from the Sunshine Coast had been caught in some corrupt censorship for their poignant social critique of the young tradesman’s struggle. The song’s killer music video is absolutely worth checking out!

There was also much furore when Big Shaq’s completely popping, not-tonguein-cheek ripper, ‘Man’s Not Hot’ finished a lowly 51 in the countdown. Details

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emerged later that Big Shaq polled 19th amongst male identifying voters, but ultimately fell flat, being borderline criminally underrated amongst females.

On the plus side, our local scene had a good year. After a barren 2016 countdown for Brisbane acts, a number of notable Brisbane bands featured this year.

Ball Park Music, The Jungle Giants, Cub Sport, DZ Deathrays, Dune Rats, Mallrat, and Holy Holy all featured in the countdown. This was a large lift on the one or two Brisbane born tunes the year previous.

The Jungle Giants were particularly successful off the back of their banging third album ‘Quiet Ferocity’, with four smooth but quaint beats making it into the countdown at 16, 50, 57, and 59. Ball Park Music had a similarly good showing with their single ‘Exactly How You Are’ polling at number 18 - a good innings ahead of the release of their fourth album

on 23 February. Dune Rats’ ballad to sesh gremlins, ‘6 Pack’, also graced the airwaves.

Brisbane’s performance was compounded with the success of nearby Byron Bay surf punk band, Skegss, who were lucky to finish a breakout 2017 at number 39. However, contrary to the decent Brisbane showing, those alt-popsters at Cub Sport ought be disappointed after failing to repeat the stunning 24th place for ‘Come On Mess Me Up’ in last year’s countdown. Their hit of 2017, ‘Chasin’, only managed to place 96th.

My hot tips for this year: Keep an eye on the likes of Angie McMahon, Baker Boy, and Hockey Dad over the course of this year. With their recent debuts in the Hottest 100, they will have a launch pad for any new musical content they produce in 2018. All such content is likely to impress. Here’s to the year that was in Australian music!

SEMPER

Republican Debate comes to UQ

MORGAN PENDERGAST - Political Editor

With art by Tessa Clarkson The issue of an Australian Republic once seemed confined to the fringe of Australian politics, a debate reserved for academics and elites which politicians steered clear of for fear of alienating middle Australian voters. But now, the question has once again entered public discourse, with the leaders of both major parties alluding to a future national vote on constitutional change. The issue is even resurging at UQ, with clubs representing both sides of the debate establishing themselves on campus, and seeking to influence a new generation of student activists. Semper spoke with campus representatives from both sides of the debate to hear their arguments for or against the republic.

UQ Australian Republic Club President Oscar Green offered his reasons for why the idea of an Australian republic was so important to him.

“For me it’s about fairness,” Mr Green said.

“It’s not fair that Australians don’t get to have a say on who their head of state is, and it’s not fair that, while we have the British monarch in that position, a deserving Aussie is missing out.

“All government positions should be chosen on merit instead of family connections.

“Australia is one of the most democratic countries in the world, so becoming a republic will celebrate this tradition and make people appreciate what Australian citizenship means,” he said.

But UQ Monarchist Club President Wilson Gavin doubts the Republic Movement’s claim on patriotism.

“The Australian Republic Movement is not made up of ordinary Australians,” Mr Gavin said.

“If you look at its events, if you look at the people who run it, they are the closest thing this country of ours has to an upper class.

“Its members are eminent politicians, famous entertainers, esteemed lawyers, hardened journalists, and captains of industry.

“There are no real Australians there.

“The Australian Republic Movement is desperate for a republic that will remove what little oversight is placed over the powerful,” he said.

The UQ Australian Republic Club hopes to start discussion of the issue among students.

“People are going to talk about a republic more and more the closer we get to the end of the Queen’s reign, and the prospect of Charles as the King of Australia,” Mr Green said.

“It just makes sense that Australia should have an Australian Head of State — if we were writing the Constitution today would we pick the leader of another country for our highest office?” he said.

But the UQ Monarchist Club holds firmly to the Constitution as it stands.

“A republic would benefit no one but those plotting to create it,” Mr Gavin said.

“I think that Lord Nelson of blessed memory said it best: ‘A King may be ill advised and act wrong, a Republic never acts right, for a knot of villains support each other, and together they do what no single person dare attempt’.

“Monarchy stands above the cut and thrust of petty party politics.

“The Queen is beholden to no man or woman on Earth: she spent her entire childhood being raised to exercise that immense duty properly, and has served her people around the world unfailingly,” he said.

The future of the Australian Constitution remains uncertain, but with a renewed push in Canberra to put the question to the Australian people, the issue seems unlikely to go away quietly.

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NEWS

The Rainbow Section AMELIE LONSDALE - Queer Editor

The day I realised I’m a woman was the happiest day of my life. There was a couple of years where I was painting my nails and dying my hair, but I hadn’t put it together. I had the thought that ‘maybe I am a woman’, and I pushed it back, because it’s a scary thing.

You see how women are represented in the media, you know trans women who are mistreated, and you feel that if you come out, life could be fucked.

But last year, the person I was dating came out as trans themselves. All that stuff that I had been pushing down came back up in one colossal ‘Oh shit!’ moment. This is okay, I realised. I can do this. If they can do it, so can I. Taking stock of the situation, I was still attracted to women, I was a woman myself. Therefore, I am a lesbian. I’d finally put it together.

A number of you reading this will be starting your first year at UQ this semester. But no matter how long you’ve been here or what you study, you’ve never had a

better time to slow down and consider the clues you’ve found about your gender and sexuality. University life allows you more freedom to behave and dress the way you feel most comfortable compared to most other parts of life. UQ life also provides a community of LGBT people for you to make friends with, and gives you access to gender and sexuality support via student services. Every person you meet on campus could be another step towards putting it all together.

Exploring your gender and sexuality is shockingly easy. All you need to do is sit down for a moment and ask yourself a few simple questions: ‘Who do I want to be?

How do I want people to see me? Who do I want to be with?’ These may seem like questions with obvious answers, but society forces us to think of straight and cis as the default that we should all try to fit into to make our lives easier. Because of this, most of us go our whole lives without sitting down and considering these parts of ourselves. If you haven’t yet, then now

is the time to do so; you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

You may go into this process of self-exploration and come out feeling the same way you did before, and that’s perfectly fine. You stand to gain so much just by putting together your true identity sooner rather than later. My realisation was big and scary, but it was so rewarding.

If you find yourself struggling with the identity you’ve put together, you can find help in many places. You can find counselling at UQ Student Services, you can chat to someone at the UQU Queer Collective, or you can touch base with a supportive friend or family member. As corny as this sounds, the most important thing is that you do what makes you feel comfortable.

Don’t let anyone else tell you who to be or how to act, just think about what you want most in life and go for it. I believe in you.

A Woman’s Guide

AMY SIENKIEWICZ-GROB - Women’s Editor

Join a Club! This one goes for everyone — join as many clubs as you can. But especially look out for clubs with a female presence. Or, if you really want to challenge yourself, join a maledominated club and build up the female representation from scratch! Look out for your faculty club, and if you’re lucky, you’ll find your faculty has a club for women, like SKIRTS (Engineering) or SWIM (Medicine). Even if your high school friends were all guys, you’ll want to find the women who’ll be by your side throughout your course, because...

You will want at least one female friend in your classes. They don’t need to be your best friend and closest confidant. Just know them well enough so it isn’t weird when you inevitably need to ask for a spare tampon on that one day you forget to pack some. On second thought, make two friends, in case the first needs a tampon too! And in case you find yourself in a more serious emergency...

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Make yourself aware of Campus Security. This advice is also applicable to everyone, but, women, be especially aware. Your first priority when beginning study here is to download the UQ SafeZone App. The app is location based and will connect you directly to Campus Security or emergency services regardless of the situation. It’s free, so you have nothing to lose! Another tip while we’re on the topic of security — add UQ Campus Security (3365 3333) as a contact in your phone. Consider it added insurance in case you ever need it. But on a lighter note, you should remember...

Given the choice between an extra 30 minutes of sleep or doing your makeup, take the sleep. I cannot stress this enough. By week 10, when your heart is pumping more coffee than blood, and your study list is longer than a 66 bus queue, you’ll have wished you slept the extra 30 minutes. Yes, even if you look like the walking dead without makeup. (And by this point, you will!)

But don’t be too self-punishing — you still need to...

Take care of yourself. Take care of your health, both mental and physical, and make certain you always set aside time for yourself. For me, that means sitting with a cup of tea and reading (but more often binge-watching Friends reruns). Maybe your self-care routine means signing up to your local gym and eating healthy. However you choose to do it is up to you, but whatever it is, make it something that makes you feel good!

Don’t ever feel guilty for treating yourself.

Buy those shoes you’ve been eyeing for weeks. That cute top you can wear to impress that particular someone (you know who I’m talking about). Get that book you know you’ll love, spend way too much on makeup at Mecca, or order that super cute pink vibrator because we all need an extra special something. Trust me, as a fellow woman, treating yourself is what gets you through the hard parts and reminds you that you deserve to feel special!

SEMPER

Love & Relationships Help from the Love Professor

Dear Love Professor, I love a certain sex act. My girlfriend hates it, but I really want her to do it.

I won’t ask her to do it because I know she won’t enjoy it, but I feel guilty. Should I feel bad?

- Quietly Guilty First things first, Quietly, you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s okay to want things, sexually, even if your partner can’t or won’t fulfill that desire.

Secondly, there’s different levels of not enjoying a sex act. If she genuinely hates it, then it’s best to just give it a miss - but otherwise, talk to her.

Don’t nag, but you should be able to have mature conversations on topics like this. It’s okay to want things during sex, just be ready to reciprocate. Is there anything that you don’t enjoy but she does?

It’s a fact of life that not every moment of sex is going to be bliss. There’s going to be moments where one party has a lot more fun than the other, so you should try

to get pleasure by giving pleasure. Sex is a cooperative experience, not a competitive one.

At the end of the day, no means no — but until you talk about it, you won’t know.

-The Love Professor

Dear Love Professor, My partner is asexual and I’m not. What are some non sexual forms of intimacy that would be good for us beyond kisses and embraces?

- Seeking Intimacy Hi, Seeking. With any relationship, you’ve gotta find the intimacy where you can. Reflect on times when you’ve felt close to your partner and build on that.

I find intimacy in domestic moments.

Household tasks, napping, just existing in the same space.

There are a lot of things in relationships that we view as inherently sexual.

Nudity, massages, neck kisses, to name a few. When it comes down to it none of

Just the Tips

The Love Professor’s O-Week Guide to Losing Your Virginity

When I was a first year, I had a lot of anxiety over still having my V-Plates.

Here’s the three pieces of advice I’d give to anyone who might be losing their virginity soon.

Tell your partner that you’re a virgin. I don’t think you’re ethically obligated to tell your partner, but the practical benefits are immense. A first time can be a very tender thing for everyone involved, and if you’re with someone more experienced, then some warning can let them adjust their pace and mindset accordingly.

Sometimes the other party is going to be a dick about it, which sucks, but honestly it’s better to know that before you have sex.

If you’re a little shy about it, you can get the same effect by telling people that you don’t do this very often, or that you’re a little inexperienced.

Learn from the experience. Every sex act has a lot of moving parts, and it can be intimidating — but the less you know, the more you can learn. Most people who are bad at sex are just lazy. Ask questions. Be adventurous.

Take it at your own pace. Sex has no deadline. You get no penalty for late submission. You might lose it in O-Week, or in your second year, or after you graduate. Maybe you won’t lose it. So what? Fast or slow, define your own pace.

Don’t let society pressure you into anything before you’re ready, and if you want things to move faster — that’s on you.

I was 19 when I lost my virginity. I was in my second year, and I had no idea what I was doing. Neither will you.

You’re gonna do fine.

that needs to be sexual. To some people even masturbation is just a means to an end rather than a purely sexual act.

Needs vary wildly between people and your partner’s particular flavour of asexuality is also going to inform things. Some asexual people feel completely repulsed by sex. Some enjoy sex, but feel no strong desire to engage in it. Some are indifferent. Talk to your partner about it and find out exactly what their sexuality means to them. Gain a better understanding of each other.

Here are some ideas that have worked for me: scratch their head gently, have a candlelit dinner, shower together, dance slowly to ‘your song’, cook together, read a book out loud to them or ask them to read to you.

Whatever you do, make sure that you don’t accidentally make non-sexual intimacy into sexual intimacy. If it turns you on that’s fine but keep the focus on the love you feel for your partner, not the lust.

- The Love Professor

Union Council Just for PR At This Point We interrupt this page to explain the tear-out poster at the centre of this edition. Once a month, a group of elected student representatives meet in what’s called the UQ Union Council.

These meetings are supposed to be about how the Union spends your money. But some cunning student politicians have realised that it looks an awful lot like every UQ student supports their political opinions if the Union Council votes to make a political statement.

Those statements come in the form of a ‘Schedule One’.

We’re protesting against this abuse of good-will by inviting you to share your opinions, big or small, with Semper and the Union Council.

Tear out pages 8 and 9, fill them in with any opinion you hold dear, and we’ll speak for it at the next Council meeting on your behalf. We’ll present all motions that reach the Semper office, and we’re offering a $5 voucher for our favourite.

Entertaining moments from the debates will be posted in the next edition.

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Union Council Name of Union Body: ____________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

The Union take as an official policy position that:

It was moved that:

Date: __________

Notice of Motion

Schedule One

Confused? Read the bottom right of page 7.

POSTER Confused? Read the bottom right of page 7.

The Semper Editors _______________________________

Seconded:

[ ] laid on the table

[ ] lapsed

[ ] withdrawn

[ ] referred to _______________________

[ ] not carried

Schedule One

__________________________________________ (Chairperson)

[ ] out of order

[ ] amended

[ ] carried

Signed:

Was:

Motion number: ____________________________________

Note: the following section is for the Chairperson to complete

_______________________________

Moved:

_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

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_________________________________________________________________________

SEMPER

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PUZZLES

Cryptic Crossword 21. a + 2i buildings (7) 23. With regard to a page put it together again. (6) 24. Part dime but virtually money. (7) 25. Keen, everyone starts with lager left out. (5)

DOWN

ACROSS

1. Your first paper, it seems, went up in the air (5).

3. Hear what your name and a sausage will have in common.

They’ll both be .... (2,1,4) 7. Delta $ (6) 9. Spanish say open jumbled SAT to stay up to date. (7) 11. Left strange, alert and wary (5) 12. Note the alien date for, the big sign up time (6,3) 17. Part four in the play is followed by a mixed date, when the account is started. (9) 20. What your grandmother might have called a flirt, a breeze or something new. (5)

Sudoku Just like a regular sudoku, but with letters instead of numbers.

Fill out the puzzle with no repeating letters in any column, row, or square.

In case you struggle with cryptic crosswords as much as UQU Governance Officer Zachary Thomas, we’ve also made the grey diagonal spell out the answer to 12 Across.

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2. Perry half-blinded one of Stones Corner team. (5) 4. A student unit in the sky (5) 5. Slack eyes see servant (6) 6. Try for a position and set yourself to studies. (5) 7. When out of cash? Yell quietly or phone her. (4,3) 8. Cocktail, it’s a blast (7) 10. Repast even (3) 13. Sounds like when being talked about they listen and burn when in range. (7) 14. And, somehow, keep it in the family. (3) 15. Still a snowman without me. (3) 16. Mo or Derik, firstly, went back to the bar. (3,4) 18. Initially, idiots mainly prefer a trouble-maker. (3) 19. Can a mixed Baud be made to sparkle like a folder, bag, shoes perhaps (6) 20. Concentration from flipping half a coffee on you and me (5) 21. Indemnity, since the fruit stewed in a syrup is incomplete (5) 22. Don’t lie gentlefolk, for therein is the subject. (5)

Be among the first ten people to bring a completed copy of this crossword to the Semper offices, and we’ll publish your name in the next edition.

SEMPER

World’s Simplest Thesis Where we restrict PhD students to the 1,000 most common English words.

In my research, I try to understand the science of things that are very, very cold. Gas in particular. In fact, the cold gas I think about is actually the coldest thing ever. You might think that we already know how matter behaves – you learn about it in school!

However, when things get cold enough, even something as simple as a gas requires a new theory to explain its behaviour. If you imagine a gas as a collection of very small balls, in this new theory the gas balls no longer act as individuals, rather, they all act as one.

People have only very recently had the technology to actually make gas cold enough to follow this new theory, which makes many Interesting things possible. This brings me to what I actually do. I come up with ways to use the gas to measure things.

But why? Well, the current best way to measure many things is usually with light, but there are some things that cold gas might be better able to measure.

For example, because a gas is heavy (compared to light at least) it can be used to see how fast something will fall. And, as the gas is so cold, our new theory tells us it might be able to sense small things far better than anything else ever could – and future technology will always benefit from better ways to measure!

Samuel Nolan is in the final months of his PhD in theoretical quantum physics, which is looking at using the weird properties of quantum mechanics in ultra-cold atomic gases to construct the next generation of incredibly precise sensors and measurement devices.

Clubs Spotlight:

Pokémon Fan Club of UQ

The Pokémon Fan Club of UQ (PFCUQ) welcomes all fans of the Pokémon universe. Currently celebrating its fourth year, the club holds events that cater to every fan’s needs. These include friendly tournaments, trivia nights, arts and crafts sessions, movie viewings, and more.

The club has formed strong bonds with students and fans both in UQ and out. PFCUQ has been sharing crossover events with QUT Pokémon since 2015’s First Annual QUT VS UQ Pokémon Championship. Since then, other crossover events have been held such as The Amazing Race: Pokémon Go Edition in 2016.

PFCUQ has maintained a strong membership and an outstanding executive team. In 2016, they were awarded “Hobby/ Interest Club of the Year” and “Secretary of the Year”. Last year, they were awarded “Social Convenor of the Year”.

Make sure to come along to their first events of the year. In Week 2, they’ll be having a trivia night where you can make new friends and find out just how much you know about Pokémon.

In Week 4, they’ll be having the ever-popular League Day where you can battle it out against their handpicked gym leaders to collect all the badges.

PFCUQ President Mitchell Barfoot says the club is a tightknit community with great friendships.

“It makes me really happy to see people who I’ve come to care about a lot enjoying themselves at our events,” Mr Barfoot said.

Ask SHOC Hi, SHOC. I’m a first year Bachelor of Science student. Stoked to be at UQ but have to admit, Hi, SHOC. I’m new to Brisbane and to Uni life. the social scene here has me confused. At school I had a great group of friends who are now eiAfter finding a share house close to UQ, paying ther working or studying elsewhere. We’ve been bond, tuition fees, buying a few groceries and friends for so long I can’t even remember how we generally setting myself up, I’m almost out of met. Now I’m older and at Uni things seem very what money I had saved. I’m trying to find a job different. Everyone seems so busy, and I’m findto earn some extra money while I’m at Uni but don’t really know where to start. What’s your ad- ing it hard to meet people and make friends. Any vice for finding and applying for jobs? – Veronica tips for me and others in this boat? – Nigel N-F, Soloville L, Riverdale Hi, Nigel. Firstly, congratulations on getting into UQ! SecHi, Veronica. If you have worked before, you can start applying for jobs immediately via SEEK, Indeed or other online ondly, you can be assured you are not alone in feeling friendless job portals. Make sure your resume is up to date, with current at this point of the year. But don’t worry, UQU – Your Student Union provides a number of ways to forge friendships on camcontact details, and is targeted to your market.

If you haven’t worked before, UQU has a Job Start program pus. UQU’s Clubs & Societies (C&S) has over 220 clubs with over 35,000 students to choose from. Learn new skills while designed for new workers seeking employment in the Union’s food outlets. So, if working on campus in one of the busy you hang out with people who like the same things you do.

Free to join, Clubs & Socs is your gateway to fun and friendUQU food outlets like Physiol, Darwin’s, Main Course or the Redroom bar is your cup of tea, then keep an eye on the UQU ship on campus. But don’t limit yourself to clubs and people on website for the next intake. It’s a great way to gain on the job campus. Check out: www.meetup.com.au to find hobby groups and people, or hop onto the Brisbane City Council website skills and get paid for it.

If you need some help in taking that step into a job, contact www.brisbane.qld.gov.au On Wednesday 7 March UQU and Student Help on CamSHOC’s Job Preparation service. We can help you write a kickpus (SHOC) will be hosting an interactive session on How To ass resume or nail that job interview. Book an appointment Make Friends at Uni; Week 1 of a 6-week How To Adult series. online at www.uqu.com.au/student-support More info is at www.uqu.com.au/student-support

Help from UQU’s counselling service.

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UNION

President’s Report

Jeremy Lwin

For all the first years reading this inaugural report – Welcome to UQ! For everyone else – Welcome back! You’ve stumbled upon the StuPol Report section of your student magazine – a new initiative that hopefully informs the student body about what the Union actually does. The Student Union is 108 years old, it runs the majority of the food outlets on campus and the campus bar, funds your clubs and societies, manages your collectives and advocates on your behalf against the University administration. We’re located

in the big building at the top of the Union Complex, adorned with the flags, that has the giant glass doors painted with the white “UQU” smiley face logo. If you’ve ever got any questions or are just keen for a chat pop on up, see Mel or Taylor at the reception desk and ask to see me – I’ve got an open door policy and as much time as needed for any student that’s got any ideas they want the Union to implement.

This is an important time for the student body, and we’re going to need a lot of volunteers to help us achieve our objec-

tives. Make sure you keep an eye out for any way you can contribute and make our Union truly great. We’re the largest and wealthiest Union in the southern hemisphere, but we only got that way through caring about our campus culture, and our campus communities. Make the most of your time on campus, join your faculty club, attend as many events as you’re able and enjoy every day you’re here – you’ll only get one chance. Talk to you next fortnight –JL

Opposition Leader’s Report

Duncan Hart

Students at university have never had it so tough since the mass expansion of tertiary education following World War II. We have to juggle part time work with study, while average class sizes are constantly increasing. Youth Allowance is measly, at around $240 a week, if you are one of the few students able to access it.

We are racking up unprecedented levels of student debt, which can total anything from $49,000 for a Law degree, $25,000 for a Bachelor of Science, or beyond $50,000 for a dual degree or postgraduate study.

It was not always like this. Between 1974 and 1989, university was free, and a majority of students received government support set at 75% of the poverty line

(around $350 a week in today’s terms).

Since then, government-led attacks on public services have shifted the costs of tertiary education away from the state to students. The current Liberal-National government has similar plans. They are trying to make students pay more, for a worse quality of education, and to claw back our debt when we’re earning less.

It’s not as if the government does not have money to throw around, having recently announced $3.5 billion in spending to boost arms exports.

As students return for the year, you are right to ask what your student union is doing. Unfortunately, the first priority of the Liberal Party and Labor Right aligned leadership of the Union (the candidates

Queer Officer’s Report Nicholas Comino Hi, I’m Nick, I am the Queer Officer for the UQ Union. I like long island ice-teas, Carly Rae Jepsen, men* and Neon-Genesis Evangelion. If you’re a Queer student make sure you come along to our first Queer Collective meetings on the 15th and 28th of Feb. As someone who felt left out during their first year at UQ, I couldn’t recommend enough finding a like-minded community you can be a part of. We have games nights, movie nights, drinks and a ton of other great Queer-oriented social events. For returning Queer students, Pride Ball is back and better than ever! (#savethedate May 12) UQ will be hosting the Queer Collaborations Conference this year which will bring students from other Queer Collectives all around the Country to UQ. (We are looking for volunteers!) Next Wednesday we will

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also be hosting Slam Poetry on the Lawn, come along for a BBQ (vegan friendly!) and some great spicy poetry. UQ Union will be launching a yearlong campaign against sexual harassment, featuring the advocating of Ethical By-standing. An explanation of Ethical By-standing can be summarised by the sagely Janis Ian from Mean Girls “There are two kinds of evil people in this world. People who do evil stuff, and people who see evil stuff being done and don’t try to stop it.”

The campaign will launch in week two. UQ has an incredible tradition of Queer advocacy. I look forward to continuing this into 2018. I wish all Queer students a great O-Week!

from Focus) was to increase the pay of their own office-bearers to the tune of $35,000. At the same meeting where this was decided, the UQ Union voted down motions moved by Student Action opposing government attacks on higher education as well as recognising the 26th of January as Invasion Day in solidarity with Indigenous people. Student Action, the group of left-wing student unionists I’m part of, are committed to seeing the union becoming a body which organises and agitates amongst students to advance our rights to public education. We need a fighting student union now more than ever.

SEMPER

Student Rights Vice Presidents’ Report Paul Taylor The Student Rights Collective are working to meet our election commitment of ensuring that revenue from your Student Union is spent on you! This semester, we’re opening a new Student Rights Collective room. It offers rest and recharge spaces (perfect for a quick nap), a kitchenette, and the Student Employability hub. This hub has four computers for you to apply for jobs, or upskill with an online RSA or RSG course. Come and check out the room with our Lunch and Launch event on the 7th of March.

But what good is offering these great

services if no one knows where to find them? In the coming weeks, we will be working tirelessly on putting the brand out there, so keep an eye out for our free stationery and merch stalls.

For returning students, you’re probably familiar with Morning Marmalade and Kampus Kitchen -- the free breakfast and dinner programs that occur weekly.

We are expanding these by inviting third party retailers to give away samples of their products. That means you’ll have more choice for your free food! We’re also expanding both mealtimes by an hour so

fewer students miss out.

Remember last year’s How To Adult Series? We’re working with Student Help on Campus (SHOC) to expand the program to educate you on workplace rights, renting rights, and how to deal with Centrelink. Too many students get the short end of the stick because they don’t know their rights or responsibilities. Keep an eye out for these workshops – they could substantially help the quality of your student life.

Until next time,

- Paul

Campus Culture Vice President’s Report Paige Howard

If you’re anything like me, throughout your years here at UQ, the Great Court will be a sanctuary for afternoon naps after you’ve been forced to socialise too much in tutes, or defrosting your frozen soul after just walking past the open doors of Steele. You’ll get used to awkwardly walking around in circles when your assessment group texts you: “we’re sitting under that one tree, opposite that one building, somewhere in the middle of the grass,” like you’re supposed to know where that is???

But in all my years at UQ, I’ve never seen the Great Court looking quite the way I expect to see it on Friday the 16th, at the Great Court Party.

O-Week is no time for rest, it’s the beginning of a new year, and if anything is fulfilling its new year, new me resolution, it’s the Great Court. After 20 years of retirement, UQ’s most iconic space is back in action and ready to get lit for the Great Court Party. And boy, we’re giving it one hell of a welcome back. Yes, that’s right, this is your first chance in twenty years

to have a party in the Great Court, and with your help, it could be the last time a party is run in the Great Court as well.

2017 Referenda Results

Next Meeting of Union Council February 27th*

During the 2017 Annual Elections for the UQ Union, four changes to the UQU Constitution were referred to the student body. Those changes were as follows: Should the quorum for a UQ Union General Meeting be changed to 2% of students or 300 students, whichever is fewer? PASSED Should UQ Union Councillors be elected by all students, with one Councillor for every 2000 enrolled students? PASSED Should the UQ Union Council Chairperson always be elected by and from the Council and have a casting vote where the vote is tied? PASSED

*The Secretary said she might change her mind if we actually publish the date in Semper

Should the UQ Union support the campaign for UQ to divest all financial holdings in the fossil fuel industry including coal, oil and gas, inorder to show leadership on climate change and facilitate the transition to renewable energy? PASSED 13

NEWS

Speculator

St Lucia

UQ’s other news source since 1933

UQ Marketing Team Successfully Summons A Student Who Doesn’t Cry All The Time The University of Queensland has successfully conducted its annual ritual of summoning a happy student from the nether realm to appear in its advertising material.

“The end of November is so important for us, because high school students are starting to fill out their QTAC forms,” a spokesperson for the marketing department said.

“But importantly, it’s also the time when the average, constantly depressed students leave campus and stop bringing the mood down,” she said.

At press time, the happy student was beginning to fade back into the void after logging into Sinet a minute too late for his optimal timetable.

Second Year Excited To Finally Get Some Respect Around Here An Engineering student entering their second year of study at the University of Queensland has told reporters today that he’s excited to finally get the respect he deserves around this campus.

Jordan Smith explained that his second year at UQ has been a long time coming.

“You have to realise that I’m

eighteen years old now, and that demands a certain degree of respect from my peers,” Mr Smith said.

“My days of waiting to get into the prestigious Royal Exchange Hotel are now over,” he declared.

2018 has already proved to be a big year for Mr Smith, who finally parted with his brother’s old driv-

er’s licence in January.

“It’ll all pay off once I have the pride of showing my own ID to the bouncer when I visit the Red Room ahead of my first class.

“There’s no better way to get respect from classmates than turning up to class totally sloshed,” Mr Smith explained.

Hopeless New Semper Editors Publish Page After Page Of News, Omit High School Essays All seven readers of University of Queensland magazine Semper Floreat were disappointed today to find that the 2018 editors had failed to include a single opinion piece that would have scored a B- for a grade nine English assignment.

Arts/Law student Samüel Lusdorpf was disappointed in the editors’ work.

“Just flicking through the latest edition of Semper, I felt intellectually stimulated and almost no angst at all,

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so I immediately knew something was wrong,” Mr Lusdorpf told The Speculator this morning.

“I can only hope that this new crew learns the ropes quickly and fills the next edition exclusively with left-wing talking points,” he said.

At press time, Mr Lusdorpf was bemoaning Semper’s plan to publish fortnightly this year, defiling the timehonoured tradition of occasionally forgetting to publish at all.

SPECULATOR

Ghost That Whispers To Students To Drop Phone Off Green Bridge Finally Caught UQ Properties and Facilities announced today that they have caught the spirit that instructed pedestrians to throw their phones over the railings of the St Lucia Campus’s iconic Eleanor Schonell Bridge.

Students have been reporting the poltergeist’s eerie presence since the bridge opened in 2006.

“Pedestrians on the Green Bridge can now view the picturesque Brisbane River without spending ten full minutes ignoring the deep urge to toss their phone over the railings and wait for that satisfying plop as it hits the waters below,” a P&F spokesperson said.

Missing Philosophy Student Found In Engineering Lecture A philosophy student reported missing early this morning has been found alive in an engineering lecture mere hours later.

18-year-old BA student Alan Dietrich found himself trapped after getting lost while in search of a single decent coffee joint near Hawken Engineering.

“It was horrible,” Mr Dietrich told The Speculator, who were the first reporters on the scene.

“For hours, all they would talk about was numbers and objective fact. They didn’t mention Descartes or Kant, and I think the lecturer was wearing cargo

shorts.”

Alan was immediately rushed to Wordies and administered 400 CCs of double whip soy latte with extra foam to help treat his shock.

Paramedics on the scene said it was one of the worst cases of shock that they had ever treated.

“Engineering is a dangerous subject to mess with, particularly for people like Alan. Sleep deprivation, describing yourself as an Engineer while still in your undergraduate, and an increased sense of superiority are just a few symptoms

of prolonged exposure. A terminal case could even involve gainful employment” The School of Engineering released a statement on Thursday, detailing that the inclusion of the student was an error, and that Mr Dietrich should have been excluded based on OP alone.

“We urge students in the affected lecture to watch out for signs of contamination from Alan, such as free thought or choosing marijuana over cocaine.”

Genetically Modified Ibises Escape From UQ Lab “This is the last thing we wanted to happen,” said a spokesperson for the School of Science.

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