Semper 2018: The Pub Crawl That Must Not Be Named

An International Love Affair with the Love Professor / p. 6

Where did all the Smokers go? / p. 5

The Pub Crawl That Must Not Be Named / p. 4

SEMPER

Edition 9, 2018. Since 1932. Free.

NEWS

Acknowledgement of Country Semper acknowledges the Turrbal and Jagera peoples as the traditional owners of the land on which this newspaper is created. We pay our respects to elders past and present.

Editor’s Note Contents

Our Team

I was at this fancy restaurant a few weeks ago, and the waiter offered our table postdinner coffees. Although the evening was getting on a bit, I rarely refuse a coffee.

What was interesting about this coffee was that it was served with two fruit-flavoured soft jubes.

Now, the fanciest restaurant I’ve ever dined at was Darwin’s, so I had to assume this is a phenomenon common to all restaurants servicing the upper echelons of society. You get a polite quantity of lollies, and a coffee to thank you for your custom.

I couldn’t get over how fancy that experience felt, so I bought my own bag of lollies, and started eating two of them with every coffee I drank at the Semper desk. Which by the way is a lot of coffees.

About a week into this routine, I mentioned it to my co-worker, the Director of UQ Union Governance Zachary Thomas. His response was that he’d just come from a meeting with someone from the Australian Institute for Bioengineering and Nanotechnology, who’d told him that sugar is the leading, but underrated, cause of brain decay.

Almost immediately, my high-faluting fantasies turned to ash in my mouth. Since then, I have attributed even the slightest of headaches to rapid-onset lolly-induced brain decay.

There are many lessons to learn here: Don’t ever try to rise above your station, and don’t share your fantasies with anyone with a first name for a last name.

But above all, we must resist the influence of Big Sugarcane in our fancy restaurants.

Editor in Chief Rowan Evans

Letters 3 News 4 Sex 6 Rainbow

7 Women’s

7 Tear-out Poster 8 Puzzles 10 Regulars 11 Union Pages 12 Comedy 14

Editors Alexander Asher, Oscar Green, Xander Hayward, Amelie Lonsdale, Richard Lawson, Morgan Pendergast, Kayla Reimann, Amy Sienkiewicz-Grob, Raphael Wixted, The Love Professor (whoever they are).

Art Ruby Green (cover), Rebecca Kilpatrick, Google Images -> Tools -> Usage rights -> Labeled for reuse Printer Print on Demand, UQ St Lucia Publisher Semper is published by the UQ Union President, Jeremy Lwin, but he respects our editorial independence.

With Thanks Congratulations to Tessa Clarkson for graduating, E.J. Silvester, Lexi Ashby, Tim Gardner, and all the boys down at Runcorn 4113 Disclaimer The views expressed in this publication are the personal opinions of the authors. They do not necessarily reflect the views of the editor or the views of UQU. All articles are to be considered opinionative in nature. All articles remain the intellectual property of the authors.

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SEMPER

Letters to the Editor Opinions are those of the writers.

On Sports

Sam Hatton - UQIC

Hey, Editors, Can you please turn Semper into a sports journal?

Response: Sure, can you write all the content, though?

Spirit Report SAM HATTON - Sports Editor Tired legs running, cutthroat tactics initiated and postmatch beers consumed. For the daringly competitive participants of UQ Interfaculty Competitions, the past weeks have been fierce. From the sideline team huddles, you can taste the ambitions of rivaling societies allured by the prospect of sipping from the Holy Steele Grail.

And what an exquisite gulp it would be when knowing that this year marks the 100th Anniversary of the Steele Cup and the inception of interfaculty rivalry at UQ. Strategy comes in many forms. Physio backs their ‘natural athletic ability’ and knowledge of the human physique to deliver victory, whereas ChESS opts to flood the competition with teams and pray at least one is good.

CESA believes in teamwork they must truss, while LAW students collude on which rules they can allege the other team has broken. Meanwhile, Education Society can be heard murmuring “all teams deserve a participation trophy.” Time will tell who’s strategy succeeds to be crowned interfaculty champions...

On Semper’s Sport Edition Harry Spicer

Finally, a Semper we can all support!

Want to get published?

You can reach the editors over Facebook, or by emailing semper@uqu.com.au.

Or, you can walk straight into our offices outside the Red Room.

Send us your stories, or just let us know your opinions on the latest edition.

On Semper Attempting A Sport Edition UQ Sport

Stay in your lane!

Response: Okay

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NEWS

Licence to Pub Crawl ROWAN EVANS Art by Ruby Green

In case you missed it, four of UQ’s student societies recently teamed up to host a ‘School Themed Pub Crawl’.

Yes, that’s right. School themed. Four teams of highly-talented, creative student executives held one of the biggest events of the year, and gave it the same theme as the Royal Exchange might for any other Wednesday.

But if you missed that, you may also have missed the two previous themes planned for the event: ‘Magic School’ themed, and before that, a theme referring to a specific children’s book and film series heavily featuring a given magic school.

I have been intentionally vague here, because in light of the events that transpired last fortnight, it is now unclear to me how far the licences and trademarks for this book and film series goes.

This all started when Facebook took down the original event page for the pub crawl, less than a week out from the event date.

Faced with a major hiccup just days out from the event, and being young people raised in the digital era, the executives quickly informed their members that the event was in fact going ahead (they hadn’t cancelled it themselves, after all), and reposted the event as ‘Magic school pub crawl’, with offending imagery removed.

But, in what can only be described as a questionable use of legal threats, the rights holders issued a cease and desist letter to one of the societies, demanding that the event be cancelled.

The letter, obtained

by Semper, argues that a pub crawl is “not the type of event that is consistent with the image that our client has established and wishes to maintain” for the series. Never mind the fact that a huge sequence in the sixth film is entirely premised on the fact that the main character seems drunk. It seems to us that if you’re going to cash in on the cheap joke of drunk behaviour on screen, you lose the moral high ground to judge others for getting drunk.

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Additionally, the letter details that people might confuse the event for one that is “sponsored or authorised, or at least supported and permitted by” the rights holders. While this is an interesting assertion, it seems highly unlikely that someone who would genuinely confuse an event run by a student society for one run by a major movie company are likely to have made it into university.

What really seems to be the crux of this is that the societies used images without a license.

Now, we admit that this generation has grown up in an age that induces a kind of copyright illiteracy. One where we push the boundaries of song-detecting algorithms by slowing down or speeding up backing tracks, and almost any picture can be quickly edited into a meme without a second thought as to who holds the rights to the original image.

We think that this is probably the same illiteracy that rights holders expect to prey on when they send scary letters that detail more grievances than they could ever tell you with a straight face in person.

Because at the point in which you insist that you also own the rights to the generic theme of a ‘magic school’, and demand that the entire event be cancelled, it seems highly unlikely that you’re actually protecting your rights.

In fact, it seems morally dubious to make such claims when you know that the event organisers would face the prospect of refunding tickets and communicating to all purchasees that there is no longer an event if they were to comply with your request with only a few days notice.

Now, of course, Semper is largely run by artists, and each of us supports intellectual property rights to the extent that it makes profitable what is historically a low-income profession. But we think it is blatantly stretching the purpose of laws like this to start policing how social clubs show their appreciation for a multi-million-dollar franchise.

Implicit in this entire witch hunt is the idea that rights holders get to determine not only how you watch films and read books, but also how you behave when you wear their merchandise. We think only the most out-of-touch lawyer would call that a fantasy world.

SEMPER

Where Did All The Smokers Go? EJ SILVESTER

As you’re probably aware, on July 1, 2018, UQ was made a smoke-free zone as part of a state-wide push to make all higher education institutes non-smoking venues.

This has been hailed by non-smokers as one step forward to a healthier campus culture but to the smokers out there, the air is thick with discrimation.

But what options do smokers have now if they feel like a drag of a durry in-between classes or on a study break?

The word around campus was that the new place to smoke is on the Eleanor Schonell Bridge near UQ Lakes.

When we asked smokers on the bridge why they chose to smoke at this location, one informed us that “everyone else smokes here”. And the trail of cigarette butts lining the footpath speaks testament to that.

It seems the consensus is that the Eleanor Schonell Bridge is the closest place off-site that is ‘safe’ to smoke without being penalised. ‘Safe’ here means safe from UQ Security’s prying eyes, and not necessarily the harmful effects of smoking. But in a world where people routinely keep out of the way of the campus’s emergency services, we have to wonder how much safety they really have.

In our Yellow Edition, we told you that smokers were concerned about having to make the trek off-campus.

The same fears were reported in the Brisbane Times over the holidays. But it seems that smokers have only managed to make it halfway off campus. This raises a separate question: just how many butts have made it into the Brisbane River due to the newly imposed policy? We hate to think what the answer would be.

It seems unlikely that the answer to this question will bring about any massive change to the rules. In our experience, most supporters of the durry ban cite the reason that second-hand smoke is harmful, and such is the extent of their logic on the matter. But to UQ, vape pens and e-cigarettes, the second-hand damage of which are negligible, belong in the same category.

So, as much as we hope that logic will win out, the history of this issue makes us fear a different outcome.

Think of this: just who is supposed to stop someone from smoking under the new policy?

The policing of smoking on campus lies directly with other students, staff and visitors. As detailed on the UQ website, people who see anyone smoking is instructed to nicely ask the person who is breaking the policy to kindly put their smoke out and move off campus if they wish to continue smoking.

Now, there have been some unconfirmed reports that security officers have tried to issue fines to the tune of $50 to people caught smoking on campus. But there have been as many unconfirmed reports of smokers telling officers they “can’t do anything about it”.

And we hate to say it, but the death of smoking areas has brought a visible death of social areas as well.

We told you about the Red Room smokers’ deck in the Yellow Edition.

This week, the Red Room venue manager, Morgan Robert explained to us the confusion the smoking ban has had on patrons while enjoying a drink at the only uni bar on campus.

“We were catching people smoking on the balcony daily in week one, but now people are starting to get the message, so it is usually every other day,” Mr Robert said.

And of course, when your options are to butt out or get banned from the Reddo for life, you’re guaranteed to pick the former.

But no such enforcement is possible with UQ’s campus-wide policy. With a campus that’s orders of magnitude bigger than the area of the Red Room, it seems unlikely that you’ll run into the same UQ security guard twice in your entire degree, let alone have them catch you smoking both times.

For the time being, the University has to rely on the soft power of signs and angry looks from peers. We wonder if this system will persuade smokers to reassess their habit and consider quitting, or embolden smokers to subvert the powerless power structure.

But one thing is for sure, when it comes to the Eleanor Schonell, the smokers are only making it half as far as they could.

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NEWS

Love & Relationships

Get your advice at http://LoveProfessor.sarahah.com/

Help from a Guest Love Professor

Dear Love Professor, My partner is travelling overseas for the foreseeable future. I don’t want to break up, but I know how hard long distance can be. What should I do?

Thanks, Stuck at Home Base Hey Stuck, thanks for your question.

Few words can conjure more anxiety about the future of a relationship like the words ‘long distance,’ apart from maybe ‘secretly married’ or ‘I hired a private yoga instructor.’ Humans are built to crave intimacy and it’s immensely difficult to go from a steady loving relationship to the occasional skype call across the ocean. The first piece of advice I can give you is to be realistic and temper your expectations.

Your more romantic friends may tell you some beautiful story about how they knew this one couple this one time who met on a train headed to Prague and over the course of one train ride decided they were sufficiently in love to wait three years to meet again and get married. I’m not saying this doesn’t happen, but there’s a reason these stories stick with us, they are the exception, not the rule. Everyone wants to believe their relationship is that exception, but the hard statistical truth is that it likely isn’t. Therefore, whatever happens next, temper your expectations.

There’s a good chance that heartbreak or hardship are on the horizon and it’s important that you don’t get your hopes up for a miracle, only to have them dashed.

So, there are two options; break up, or tough it out. Before you make a decision, you need to have a long talk with your partner. Good communication is the cornerstone of any relationship. Discuss your desires, your dreams, where you see yourselves in the future. How often can you visit each other? Can you afford it? How long will your partner be away for? How long have you been together? Will their career keep them overseas? After that, make a joint decision as a team.

Don’t let anyone tell you that breaking up is giving up. In my opinion, it may be best to end a relationship on a high note, rather than watch it wither and die over increasingly sporadic Facebook messages.

It’s a perfectly logical option that will preserve your

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friendship, if not your relationship. Before they leave, have a getaway together, screw each other silly and celebrate what you have built. Maybe leave the possibility of picking up where you left of when they return, but don’t count on it.

If you crazy kids decide to tough it out, I have one suggestion for you; discuss the possibility of an open relationship. Most people like sex. A lot. Most long-distance relationships end with someone cheating. Solution; make the ‘cheating’ an accepted part of your relationship. While you are not there to fulfil each-others physical needs, let others do it for you. By releasing your sexual tension, you will ease the pressure on your emotional connection and furthermore remove any anxiety about your partner being unfaithful. Of course, this will only work if you guys are good at separating the ‘sexual’ from the ‘emotional’ but it’s all I got. Plus, considering the CIA has all of your computers tapped it beats Skype sex.

Good Luck! xoxo - Love Professor

SEMPER

UQ’s New Guidelines On Sexual Assault VERONICA - Women’s Editor A few weeks back, Peter Høj sent an email to everyone in the UQ sphere stating that “The University [has] made a commitment to work with our students and partners to implement the report’s recommendations and to use its findings to eradicate this terrible disrespect for the rights of individuals.”

In the email, Høj assured students and staff that the university had a proactive stance on combating this issue, including multiple avenues to report incidents as well as counsellors and 40 trained staff members, all equipped to deal with this.

So what was that actually about?

In 2017, the Australian Human Rights Commission discovered that one in five students at university had been victims of sexual harassment. In that study, titled Change the Course, over a thousand students at UQ were surveyed. 53% of them responded that they had been sexually harassed, sexually assaulted or witnessed either of those happen. That is to say, more than half the people surveyed had experienced or seen something that disturbed or endangered another member of the UQ community.

More broadly, 39 of Australia’s universities actually participated. UQ sits in the middle of the data surveyed, Bond had the highest rate at 62% of respondents reporting incidents (yikes). Like all studies, more people and universities could have been surveyed for more accurate results.

UQ results are publicly available, along with the national results from the Australian Human Rights Commission. I don’t recommend reading these if you’re easily disheartened. A small but depressing sample of the data collected reported that 73% of harassers to both male and female respondents were fellow students. More than half of the people affected by this survey knew the person that had committed the offence.

Out of the students who responded that they had been sexually harassed, 95% of them did not seek help from the university after the fact. That is harrowing.

We know that these experiences are traumatic. So why is it that only one in twenty people have sought help from the institution that should be in the best place to help them? The biggest reason given by respondents is that they did not believe what had happened to them was serious enough.

If you’re as depressed by that statistic as the rest of us, you know that something has to be done. The

Australian Human Rights Commission has suggested a new set of guidelines for universities to deal with and, most importantly, prevent sexual misconduct.

The end result of this study was the Sex Discrimination Commissioner, Kate Jenkins, from the Australian Human Rights Commission writing to all 39 universities’ vice chancellor’s asking them to implement policies to prevent and combat sexual misconduct. Among the recommendations was that universities develop a proactive attitude towards addressing and intervening with the perpetrators of sexual assault.

This responsibility was recommended to be given to the vice chancellor of each university. Each vice chancellor may then choose to set up a group, made up of different stakeholders in university life, to help implement new policies and handle cases. UQ Vice Chancellor Peter Høj has directly addressed this in his email by pointing out support groups and methods to report cases. He has fulfilled a few recommendations by setting up and providing awareness of the university’s policies and support networks for victims and witnesses to sexual misconduct. This comes somewhat close to the recommendation that staff members and students who are likely to be confided in be trained in proper responses to sexual misconduct. This doesn’t assure that anyone on staff, or even students leaders have been trained if they are confided in.

University counselling has been recommended to audit every six months to monitor reports of sexual assault. Høj has not openly acknowledged whether UQ is implementing this recommendation, so we are left with only a hope that this is happening behind closed doors.

In addition, universities are being asked to survey their numbers of sexual misconduct every three years. Lastly, residential colleges were emphasised as a danger spot in need of monitoring. We’ve all at least heard of a story about a college somewhere, so I am watching to see if the Vice Chancellor takes a proactive stance here.

An essential recommendation was the direct addressing of perpetrators of sexual misconduct by universities. Here I am disappointed by UQ’s actions. It’s easy to tell people not to commit sexual misconduct, but some people are so ignorant of their actions, or they don’t care, that they will continue regardless. I want Peter Høj to be explicit in the university’s zero-tolerance policy for sexual misconduct. It should be known to everyone what are the potential consequences for hurting another person. I want the people who commit these disgusting acts to know that they are not welcome at my university -that there will be consequences not only on paper, but in actuality.

Please note: The contributors to our Rainbow column were unavailable for this edition.

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NEWS

Cryptic Crossword Authored by White Bishop

26. Fallout of 10a could be confused with a null comb mull rat. (7,8) 27. Neither without me or lower (6) 28. To be paid for by shaking cider on the rocks. (8) DOWN 1. Organ seen with a record. (6) 2. A role big boys have time and a place to live in. (9) 3. Watch a number of bowls with unknown in a pair of cardinals (4,3) 4. The benefit of owning a little donkey. (5) 6. Sounds good to go down (7) 7. Former first now is. (5) 8. Old photographic equipment or angler during recount. (8) 9. In two ways girl keeps this under wraps (8) 14. Loaded without sleeves it seems. (4,4) 16. True print rewritten then say it over the top of someone else. (9) 17. Meanest first lad forms Erdenebileg’s Genghis Khan for example.

(8) 19. Notices native mineral that appears offensive (7) 21. With this muscle status best to remain not nude (7) 22. Good occupation for a bike rider perhaps (6) 24. Alternate cruel bent to make armour or jewellery part. (5) 25. Direction changes to churn a grasshopper’s sound (5)

ACROSS 1. Periodical waters over Capone. (8) 5. Stick promotion at this point (6) 10. Slips help derail this recent national debacle (15) 11. Enter at invitation (7) 12. One who welcomes a mustang turns in two directions multiple times. (7) 13. Bring to mind an arm transplant perhaps (8) 15. Three are part of one group (5) 18. Small bird that accompanies the French heading (5) 20. Equated a mess and is enough (8) 23. Create unknown forms of waste (7) 25. Babies bed and royalty, in other words, an exclusive circle of people (7)

Easier Clues ACROSS 1. Periodical. (8) 5. Stick (6) 10. Recent political debacle (15) 11. Invitation (7) 12. One who welcomes (7) 13. Bring to mind (8) 15. Group (5) 18. Heading (5) 20. Enough (8) 23. Waste (7) 25. An exclusive circle of people (7) 26. One who lost 10a (7,8) 27. Lower (6) 28. One to be paid (8)

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Bring a completed copy of this crossword to the Semper office, and enter the draw to win a $5 UQU voucher!

The same crossword made simpler.

DOWN 1. Organ (6) 2. A place to live. (9) 3. Keep watch (4,3) 4. Benefit. (5) 6. To go down (7) 7. To be. (5) 8. Old photographic equipment (8) 9. Underwear (8) 14. American right (4,4) 16. Speak over the top of someone else.

(9) 17. Ironworker (8) 19. Visually offensive (7) 21. Lack muscle condition (7) 22. Salesperson (6) 24. Part of armour or jewellery. (5) 25. A sound like a grasshopper’s makes (5)

Edition 8 Solution: ACROSS 1 enthalpy. 5 anthem. 8 electorate. 9 nosh. 10 enterprisingly. 11 therapy. 13 fifteen. 15 Imhotep. 18 eminent. 21 responsiveness. 22 acme.

23 infinitive. 24 hereby. 25 dementia.

DOWN 1 element. 2 twentieth. 3 asteria. 4 portray. 5 americium. 6 tonight. 7 essoyne. 12 precocity.

14 exegetist. 16 miracle. 17 obscene. 18 edifice.

19 itemize. 20 tessera.

SEMPER

Sudoku

Hard

Easy

Word on the Street Your thoughts, as told to Oscar Green Drew Pavlou - 2nd Year Arts/Law Do you know who Peter Høj is?

I consider Peter Hodge a total snacc. He rules UQ well.

What are your thoughts on the currency of China?

The Chinese Yen is a very progressive currency.

What would you title your autobiography?

Drew Pavlou: Regional Activist and greatest ever leader of Australia’s National party.

Will - 2nd Year Advanced Finance and Economics Do you know who Peter Høj is?

I know who he is, but not what he does. He gets paid a lot though.

What are your thoughts on the currency of China?

That’s a fucking good question. Ummm...

Yeah, sorry, I don’t know anything about the Chinese Dollar.

What’s Your Favourite Club or Society on Campus?

Uhhh... the Republican club? Which one’s yours again, Oscar?

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NEWS

President’s Report Jeremy Lwin - Focus Jeremy Lwin hadn’t started his report by deadline, so we got him to speak into a microphone, and then we transcribed it.

Alright, uh, Report. Part one.

Duncan Hart had a horiffic go at me last week for not working hard enough on fringe lefty issues. That’s because I spend all my time working hard on delivering services that actual students need, and making sure that the future of the union is sound... full stop Not only have we run one of the best fiscal years for the Union, putting the Union in a greater fiscal position, we’ve expanded services, launched an eSports room, the first

of its kind… one of the first of its kind in Australia, an entire program. We’ve done a whole range of new events. We’ve increased our SHOC services, and we’ve doubled Clubs and Societies funding and support.

All of these things are the things that really matter to students, Duncan.

Students are not going to go out there and fight on fringe issues. Students don’t expect their student union to go out there and fight on fringe issues. Students want their student union to advocate to the university for them and ensure that they get a better deal day to day.

Recently, we managed to convince the University to standardise, uhhh, supplementary rules, which means that over half the university will have better and more favourable supplementary

rules. Those are the things that matter to students.

We also have seen recently, thanks to our bus campaign earlier in the year, Brisbane City Council are adding more buses to the network.

All of these great initiatives are what students really care about. We have a strong plan and a strong vision for the future. In the last week, after months of negotiation with the University, we have got a deal that is very close to something that will allow the Union to survive for the next ten years... and support students and advocate on their behalf and be the strongest union in the country… alright?

All of these things matter to students more than <insert fringe lefty issue here>, thank you, Duncan.

Art by Ruby Green

Opposition Leader’s Report Since my last report a couple of weeks ago, the Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull was overthrown by his own parliamentary Liberal Party colleagues and Scott Morrison installed in his place.

For many students, these events have been greeted with bemusement and possibly mild anger at the seeming pointlessness of it all. There’s been some relief that Peter Dutton, whose public persona has been staked out as a tubthumping racist, failed to win.

However, for all the talk by “Scomo” that stable government has returned and business as usual resumed, his ascension to power represents a worrying strengthening of the hard right within the primary governing party of Australian capitalism.

When Peter Dutton launched his challenge to Turnbull, it was not merely a cynical popularity contest like other recent coups against sitting prime ministers, like Rudd, Gillard and Abbott. In those

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Duncan Hart - Student Action

leadership challenges the governing party hoped that a new face would give them the image boost required for some of the politicians to hold onto their seats, with little-to-no change in political direction.

Recent events instead reflect a deeper crisis within the Liberal Party about what kind of party they should be: whether they should take a deep turn towards the racist, authoritarian and climate-denialist Right, aping Trump, or whether there remained any space at all for party “moderates,” who while governing for the rich maintain at least a semblance of commitment to liberalism and rationality.

Morrison’s victory for the “moderates” in the Liberals is only a temporary reprieve, given nearly half the party voted for his opponent, and when Morrison’s views represent a right-wing shift on issues to do with climate and migrants compared to his predecessor.

Morrison has appointed an ex-banking executive, Kelly O-Dwyer, to the ministry

responsible for workers’ rights, and a campaigner against wind-power to the position of Energy Minister.

Morrison has a pedigree in bastardry.

As Minister for Immigration he falsely accused the charity “Save the Children” of coaching refugees in self-harm, and as Treasurer he presided over the introduction of “internships” for unemployed people that forced them to work for less than the minimum wage and has nearly wrecked the progressive nature of income tax.

This record and the early indications from Morrison show we can only expect a further intensification of racist scapegoating of refugees and attacks on the vulnerable in our society. Even without outright factional bloodletting in the Liberal Party, this can only strengthen the reactionary tendencies within the Coalition. In this context, student unionists need to be ready to resist the attacks we can expect soon.

SEMPER

Labor Left’s Report

Tahlia Robinson - Labor Left member

If you’re going to have a mental health breakdown during your time as a student at UQ, you better make sure you plan it at least a month in advance. The reason for this is because, unfortunately, that’s how long it could take you to book a counselling session at UQ. The current support provided by Student Services for mental health is not up to speed with the undergraduate population of UQ, and this must change.

A report from HeadSpace (2017) tells us that around 80% of Australian university students reported feeling stressed or anxious in the past 12 months. 35% of our young students are doing it so tough that they’ve had thoughts of self-harm or suicide.

Considering how many students are enrolled at UQ, that is a huge number of people that need help. UQ has an undergrad population of about 35,000, which means that approximately 12,250 students have thoughts of self-harm or suicide every year.

This poor mental health is bound to have a negative effect on their studies.

Student Services offers every student six counselling sessions every year (I think. It says 6 times on part of their website, but 10 times on another part. *shrugging girl emoji*). At the time of writing, there are 4 counselling appointments available for next week – 3 of which are for Herston students only. That means that there is only one 50 minute appointment available at UQ from the 3rd to the 7th of September. The next week has three appointments available, and again, only one is at St Lucia.

Over 12,000 students could be facing severe mental health crises, and we have 2 appointments available for them in the next fortnight.

These numbers do not add up. They are not good enough. Our students need more support than they are currently receiving.

Funding for student services is paid for by the students via the Student Services and Amenities Fee (SSAF). While the Student Union does not have direct control over funding allocations, it has a responsibility to pressure the university to spend this money where students need it most, like adequate counselling services.

Instead, we see exorbitant amounts of money spent on a snow party that attracted less than 300 people.

While this piece is written largely from my personal experience, I know I write on behalf of the Labor Left club when I say that we are committed to providing better support to all students.

Whether you are a student from a minority group, a queer student, an Indigenous student, or any student that has historically faced barriers to accessing higher education. We want to support you.

We believe education should be accessible to everyone, and you shouldn’t need to postpone your mental health breakdown for a month in order to get support.

If this article has raised any concerns for you, please contact UQ Counselling on 1300 851 998, Lifeline on 13 11 14, or 000 in an emergency.

UQ Union Elections will take place in October

Nominations opened on

Monday 10 September This ad was not placed by the Returning Officer; we just think it’s our duty to keep you informed.

We encourage everyone to give student politics a go.

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COMEDY

St Lucia

Speculator UQ’s other news source since 1933

UQ Mates Irate At Student Elections, Only Event They Couldn’t Steal This Year High-ranking members of UQ’s Student Services are in a frenzy today, after news broke that UQU intended to continue with its 107-year old tradition of electing student representatives, rather than hand over the event to adults who know better.

“This is an absolute outrage,” one event organiser explained to the Speculator on the condition of anonymity.

“We think that this is a classic case of people believing the myth that youth somehow beats experience when trying to connect with students on their level.

“Every member of UQ’s student services has at least five years’ experience in some form of bureaucracy, which in and of itself is enough to know how to handle a student event.

“But on top of that, each of us also has at least nine months’ experience of stealing any event from the Union that we please,” the staff member explained.

Pressed for comment today, UQ Union President Jeremy Lwin attempted to address the issue diplomatically.

“While we appreciate the role of Student Services in campus life, we as students feel entirely capable of running a student election,” Mr Lwin said.

“However, if anyone from UQ Mates would like to submit a report to Semper for me next fortnight, or volunteer to respond to my emails in a timely fashion, these would be very much appreciated,” he said.

Peter Høj On What It Means To Be A School Leader With student elections on the way, it’s high time that we reflect on our university’s values and mission statement, as well as what it means to be a leader in the 21st Century.

When I think of past leaders of the University of Queensland, I am reminded of our dedication to excellence and our ongoing mission to ‘create change’.

In 2019, we will welcome nine highly motivated individuals to that distinguished group of alumni, whose names include UQU President of 1963 and former CEO of Caltex Barry Murphy; UQU Women’s Officer and former Queensland Premier Anna Bligh; and Finbar Fuller.

One of my favourite parts of the year is when the new student executive is sworn in, and I place their ‘student leader’ badge on their shirt. In that beautiful moment, the student accepts all the responsibilities of leading their student body, and making their year in office the best it can be.

I particularly enjoy this moment because it is the only date in the academic calendar where the University Charter allows me to use my powers of divination.

Before giving any student their badge, I stare directly into their soul and determine whether they are as committed to creating change as I am.

Thankfully, however bafflingly, every student you have elected so far has passed the test.

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I believe that this is one of the reasons that global rankings consistently place UQ in the top 100 universities. I have seen too many great universities fall because they were scoring poorly in change creation.

I consider it my sacred duty to ensure that our university does not do the same.

SPECULATOR

eSports Officially Named In UQ’s Top Ten Venues In The Main Refectory Students applying to the University of Queensland for 2019 have revealed that UQ Union’s eSports Centre is among the most attractive venues in its building.

The news comes as part of QTAC’s annual report into tertiary application trends.

“We found that students really appreciated UQ, not just for the pristine Great Court and excellent research experiences, but also for the next-level fast food available at the refectory,” the lead researcher David Morris explained.

“And among the experiences available at the refectory, we found that students appreciated the newcomer, which is the eSports Centre.

“In fact, this year it knocked the kebab shop out of tenth place for most attractive venues at the refectory,” Dr Morris said.

UQU eSports Coordinator Jim Boyce held a press conference as soon as the news was announced.

“This is a heeectic win for the eSports centre,” Mr Boyce said.

“Couldn’t have done it without the help of all the centre’s volunteers, especially my boys Zach and Marvin, for filling out all those QTAC surveys this week,” he said.

“Pure Pwnage”.

- Jim Boyce

How To Write An Essay The Night Before It’s Due In Seven Easy Steps!

A comic by Ruby Green

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ELECTION & REFERENDUM TIMELINE

NOMINATIONS:

September 10 – September 14 th

CAMPAIGNING:

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October 2 – October 5 nd

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VOTING:

October 8th – October 12th

Email uqu@computershare.com.au for election and nomination information.