Semper 2018: The Tranquility Edition

Get Kinky With The Love Professor / p. 6

Create Your Own Job / p. 5

Why are Students so Inactive? / p. 4

SEMPER

Edition 8, 2018. Since 1932. Free.

NEWS

Acknowledgement of Country Semper acknowledges the Turrbal and Jagera peoples as the traditional owners of the land on which this newspaper is created. We pay our respects to elders past and present.

Editor’s Note Contents

Our Team

Keen Semper readers will notice that there was quite a delay in publishing this edition. There are a few reasons for this.

Firstly, and perhaps most truthfully, I was sucked into the eSports room one too many times since arriving back at uni.

Secondly, I am just an awful procrastinator. I find it all too easy to avoid doing work.

Thirdly, and most importantly, I suffered from a severe bout of writer’s block that made it almost impossible to pump out the ideas that make the satire section and posters work properly.

Luckily (or perhaps unluckily, depending on how you look at it) an election scandal gripped QUT, which both gave me some material, and really pulled me out of that start-of-semester malaise, and kicked me back into writing mode.

In the end, as always, I got by with a little help from the editorial staff here in the Semper office.

In this edition, we welcome Tim Gardner, who brings us the story of how to create your own job (p. 5). We also welcome back reporter Dan Bow, who tells us why we all need to start thinking more politically (p. 4). And as always, the Love Professor is here to bring some more heat to your love life.

As always, dear reader, you are welcome to join us any time you like. We have a facebook group, ‘Semper Floreat Contributors 2018’, and an office outside the Red Room. We can’t wait to meet you!

Editor in Chief Rowan Evans

Letters 3 News 4 Sex 6 Rainbow

7 Women’s

7 Tear-out Poster 8 Puzzles 10 Regulars 11 Union Pages 12 Comedy 14

Editors Alexander Asher, Oscar Green, Xander Hayward, Amelie Lonsdale, Richard Lawson, Morgan Pendergast, Kayla Reimann, Amy Sienkiewicz-Grob, Raphael Wixted, The Love Professor (whoever they are).

Art Ruby Green (cover), Rebecca Kilpatrick, Google Images -> Tools -> Usage rights -> Labeled for reuse Printer Print on Demand, UQ St Lucia Publisher Semper is published by the UQ Union President, Jeremy Lwin, but he respects our editorial independence.

With Thanks Congratulations to Tessa Clarkson for graduating, E.J. Silvester, Lexi Ashby, Tim Gardner, and all the boys down at Runcorn 4113 Disclaimer The views expressed in this publication are the personal opinions of the authors. They do not necessarily reflect the views of the editor or the views of UQU. All articles are to be considered opinionative in nature. All articles remain the intellectual property of the authors.

Write for us!

Message the Semper Floreat facebook page, or drop into our new offices near the Red Room

This edition was made possible by Advertise with us today so we can stop making fake ads 2

SEMPER

Letters to the Editor On Centrefolds

Opinions are those of the writers.

Peter Høj - Vice-Chancellor

It was reported to me that my image has been included in editions of Semper this year. Please forward these editions to my office.

Response: We really hope you enjoy the artist’s interpretation of CyberHøj from Edition 4.

On Bus Queues Hannah Larrescy Dear editor, This campus has become so overcrowded that I am routinely giving up on waiting for a bus in a 40-metre long line. I recall that an earlier edition of this year’s Semper revealed the impending closure of the main refectory.

How can the university ever hope to maintain access to their facilities when the closure occurs?

Access is poor enough already, and I believe that this will exacerbate the problem.

On Legs In Edition 6, we included a poster of Peter Hoj’s face.

We wanted you to be able to collect posters of the rest of his body, so we requested a photo of his legs from his office.

Dear editor, Thank you for your email. Alas we are unable to agree to your request. The VC sends his best wishes.

Kind regards.

Office of the Vice-Chancellor.

Response: Another of life’s joys ruined by a meddling bureaucracy.

Retraction

Rowan Evans - Editor in Chief As a general rule, we try not to comment on the Union Reports section of Semper, for the simple reason that the editorial team would prefer to remain independent on those matters.

However, we’re also dedicated to bringing you the facts, so I felt the need to clarify a comment made by Opposition Leader Duncan Hart in the previous edition. Mr Hart also gave me his blessing to write this column.

Specifically, Mr Hart said that lazy members of the Young Liberals work in the UQ Union, and that some members of the UQ Union Executive went to the UK during the break.

The way that this was written implied that there were people who fit both of these descriptions. There are not.

Three people went to the UK (funded mostly by the University rather than the Union). Two were Jeremy Lwin and Paul Taylor, both from Labor Right. The third was Sam Ngugi, whose political alignments are unclear, but he is one of the hardest working members of the executive, and one of the few of us who hasn’t yet fallen into the trap of spending a full day in the eSports room.

Cheers, Rowan Evans

Want to get published?

You can reach the editors over Facebook, or by emailing semper@uqu.com.au.

Or, you can walk straight into our offices outside the Red Room.

Send us your stories, or just let us know your opinions on the latest edition.

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NEWS

Student Inactivism DANIEL BOW Art by Ruby Green

In the previous edition of Semper, Raphael Wixted asked us why it appears that philosophy has been taken out of our curriculum. But it seems clear that in the Australian context, philosophy, at least as far as it relates to political engagement, has also been eliminated from our extra-curricular activities.

The sixties and seventies were the heyday of activism on Australian campuses. Forty years on, and our ability to protest seems restricted to rampantly sharing Facebook memes.

It was once an incredible wave, inspired by the civil rights movement in the States, and it was basic: campus newspapers, fearless, and growing in profile, desperate pleas painted on cardboard stroke by stroke, and the simple act of standing (or sitting) together.

With these meagre tools, students protested a cavalcade of extraordinary and divisive issues: the White Australia policy, conscription to Vietnam, prohibitive student admissions, and the oppression of women and gay people.

At their roots: racism, war, class, inequality. Even if you think all of these issues are now behind us— and no, they’re not—their solution was catalysed by a sea of young students channelling their intense anger.

And it worked. Great progress has been made in our society as a result of that powerful fighting spir-

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it. But what about Australian students today? Where are they?

Sure, the gay marriage plebiscite last year motivated a few spirited campus rallies—at least, spirited enough to be condemned as an outrage by Murdoch.

But should this generation really hang its hat on a movement that limped its way to a postal vote far too many years after gaining popular support?

Compare this to the radically diferent situation in America, where, after the mass teenage slaughter in Parkland, Florida earlier this year, the people became more or less unified in their opposition to the insidious NRA. Students Emma González, Cameron Kasky, and David Hogg were not just retweeted the world over, but they demanded to be seen, as they shouted out their cries from podiums around the country.

In America, political involvement means using social media to stand up, but in Australia, we use it to stare down at our phones. We tap into this seemingly inescapable, invisible network—whether it’s to react, or to complain, or say, even to crowdfund some charitable cause—we are forgetting a crucial aspect: the visible.

Some call this behaviour “slacktivism”. But when you consider some of the incredible challenges we all still face, such as irreversible environmental destruction, mental illness and drug abuse, or the memeification of far-right extremism—ironically, all of which in some way are fuelled by the prevalence of social media and the Internet— we may need to drop the slack, get our act together, and start choosing the sense of touch over the nonsense of touchscreens.

Perhaps as we work towards getting our act together in the education system, we need to get our activism together outside of it.

SEMPER

Tertiary Forms of Religious Life ROWAN EVANS

Keen readers of Semper will recall an exchange found in the ‘Letters to the Editor’ of semester one’s Yellow and Red editions, which asked how our university could possibly house a Multi-Faith Chaplaincy Centre.

One side held that it was out of line with the nature of scientific inquiry to foster religious sentiments. The other side held that it was important for people of faith to have a place to worship.

This proved to be a popular debate—we received offers to write op-eds from as close to home as Socialist Alternative, and as far away as QUT. But in March, we decided that the best people to hear from would be the people who run the Centre themselves. Unfortunately, the University refused to speak with us, so we spoke instead with the head of UQ Evangelical Students, Luke Paton.

Semper: What does the Multi-Faith Centre mean to you?

Luke: The MFC is a central location where students can safely explore a variety of religions and worldviews.

What services are run out of the Multi-Faith Centre?

L: Gatherings of people who share and engage in common values to celebrate, worship, study significant texts and pray together in community. University can be difficult for many, so there are also many Chaplains who talk to students holistically about life.

How do you feel about our recent letters saying the MFC is at odds with scientific inquiry?

L: We feel it is fantastic that people want to investigate the evidence and the reasonableness of various religions. Specifically at Evangelical Students, we have well-respected lecturers from the Univer-

sity - a couple are Dr. Ross McKenzie and Prof. Ian Gentle - who facilitate discussion on the compatibility of Christianity and science.

What’s an average day like at the MFC? L: If you were to walk past the Multi-faith Chaplaincy, you will see a buzz of people gathering in their faith groups - Buddhist, Islam, Christian. Some are studying, some are eating and drinking tea, while others are reading the Bible or supporting other students in seeking answers to the common-human experience of faith questions.

What are you most looking forward to this year?

L: A few of the Christian groups, including ES, are putting together ‘Jesus Week’, which exposes the campus to who Jesus is and why he matters. We pursue this through public talks, discussion dinners and talking with students one on one.

Invent Your Own Job TIM GARDNER - A UQ Entrepeneur According to the UQ Student Strategy (and nevermind that UQ had been operating for over 100 years without an official student strategy until last year), 59% of undergrads ‘consider opportunities to develop entrepreneurial skills as an important part of their education’. Well that’s reassuring because you’re basically going to have to invent your own f*cking job after you graduate. Technological disruption and a saturation of students from degree factory unis are takin’ our jerbs.

Let’s take law for example. There are more than 682 law graduates for every every entry level law job in Australia.

Legal-Tech and our computer overlords are eradicating law jobs on the daily. Big data, machine learning and AI means law-chat-bots giving general counsel and no job for all of Ethan’s mates in the lawbry. It’s the same for basically every other industry. Don’t dismay and drop out just yet though. The jobs are out there but they are predominately coming from new businesses.

Enter The Startups. A startup is ‘a new business venture designed to effectively develop and validate a scalable business model’ (thanks Wikipedia). Those big old corporates that have those sweet grad programs destroy just as many jobs as they create. Just ask the checkout attendant at Coles… So the sooner you get acquainted

to Startup land the better. Seed funds, venture capital, valuations, equity crowdfunding, IPO’s, ICO’s. All these things are what is going to be paying the salaries and wages of pretty much every new job in the future. And the jobs at startups aren’t readily advertised. You have to mostly network (gasp) for them. Or, you could just invent your own job in your own startup (better). And this is where UQ is developing another new strategy. An entrepreneurship strategy. Which is due by the end of the year.

Because just like the amount of research a uni pumps out, the number of startups universities produce will soon become a success metric. And UQ wants to stay ontrend and continue punching above its weight. UniQuest, UQ’s commercialisation company, has spunout 100 startup companies which have gone on raise more than $600,000,000. That’s a lot of jerbs.

But it’s never enough. Hence, UQ is responding to that 59% of students that are demanding those entrepreneurial skills. Idea Hub. Startup Academy. iLab. UniQuest. Expect to see more at UQ coming from these initiatives. And keep an eye out for the entrepreneurship strategy at the end of the year. The future is startups. The future is inventing your own damn jerb.

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NEWS

Love & Relationships

Get your advice at http://LoveProfessor.sarahah.com/

Help from the Love Professor

Dear Love Professor, Do you think physical attraction is necessary for enjoyable sex (and solid relationships)?

Thanks, A Curious Soul The short answer, Curious, is that it’s not necessary but it definitely helps.

When I first met my boyfriend, he didn’t find me physically attractive. Luckily I used my charm and humour to get him to like me, and the more he liked me the more physically attractive I became to him.

Everyone will have a different baseline. Some people only find polished, well groomed individuals attractive. Some people couldn’t give a crap if you’ve showered, just as long as you can make them laugh. Finding out what someone’s baseline is can be an adventure in and of itself, but honestly you shouldn’t be aiming for their baseline, you should be aiming for yours.

I find questions like this are often just people looking for new angles about why they’re single. “Well of course I don’t have a partner - I’m physically unattractive, and that’s just something I was born with.” Thoughts like that are the end of a conversation, not the start.

A few issues ago I published a piece about making yourself more dateable, which you can find online at semperfloreat.com. au/dateable. It can give you some more in depth tips, but to summarise: you do not need a killer bod or sexy jawline to be physically attractive. Doing a few minor things like cologne or putting extra thought into your outfit go a long way.

Best of luck! -L.P.

Just the Tips - The Love Professor’s Intro to Kink When people hear the terms “kink” or “BDSM” thrown about, it conjures images of chains and leather, latex and whips. Let’s start this article by defining some terms. BDSM is usually accepted to be an acronym of “Bondage and Discipline”, “Domination and Submission”, and “Sadism and Masochism”. No, I don’t know why it’s not BDDSSM. BDSM is usually what people think of when it comes to kink, but there’s more to this world than fantasies of 50 Shades. Rather, kink is a general term for a sexual desire that sits outside of “the norm”. Kinks can include BDSM acts, but also include things like pretending to be a pet or a 1950s housewife. Kink doesn’t have to involve violence - it doesn’t even really have to involve sex. Some people just enjoy the sensation of serving others outside of the bedroom.

As a society, we have this perverse avoidance to discussing things like kink. Kink is a perfectly natural, healthy concept.

If anything, not talking about it to people who want to try it is much, much more dangerous. By its nature, kink has risks.

Manageable risks, yes - but anything from physical acts (such as choking and slapping) to emotional acts (such as submission or domination) can’t be jumped into lightly.

If you’re interested in looking deeper, the subreddit /r/BDSMCommunity and the website Fetlife are both active and inviting communities. For now, let’s go through the absolute basics - SSC, Safe Sane and Consensual Safe: Before you try anything in the bedroom, it’s good to have an idea of what could go wrong. Let’s take choking for example. If you assume, as many new kinksters do, that the way to choke is pressing down on the windpipe - stop doing that right now. This is called an “air choke” and it completely prevents oxygen from getting into your lungs and reaching your brain. Spoiler alert - if that happens, people can die. Even if they don’t, the windpipe can get severely damaged and that’s just not worth it.

Rather, if you press in on either side you’ll compress the veins that deliver the blood. This is safer for a whole bunch of reasons.

Veins are much more malleable and less likely to be permanent damaged, and releasing has an immediate effect. This is called the “blood choke”, and while it still carries a level of risk it’s much safer than the air choke.

A little bit of reading online and talking with your partner

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goes a long way in keeping things safe, so never forget to do so.

Sane: Another word for this one could easily be “headspace”.

It’s okay to push yourself, but if you’re not in the right headspace then even something you’ve done a thousand times before can have devastating consequences. Similarly, anything that inhibits you (drugs and alcohol in particular) will also massively affect your headspace and remove your ability to consent. None of this is the say that you have to have perfect mental health and the best headspace to engage in Kink, it’s just important to understand the psychological effects of what you’re doing.

Consensual: To me, this is the most important part of SSC. Without consent, it stops being sex and becomes rape. Consent in Kink communities can be much more of a structure process, referred to as “Negotiation”. What this will involve varies from person to person, but at a most basic level should involve discussion of Safe Words (words like “banana” or an action like holding a set of keys and dropping it to indicate the immediate end to the sex), Soft Limits (sex acts that may only be performed under specific circumstances, or should be approached with caution), and Hard Limits (sex acts that are absolutely 100% out of bounds).

As you become more experienced and accustomed to certain partners, the structure of these negotiations will change - but those three elements should always be in play. Sometimes people will argue that they “don’t have any limits”, and honestly it’s worth encouraging those people to think of some. Someone who says they have no hard limits is essentially saying “you can eat me alive”, even though that’s not what they really mean.

The basic principles of SSC should be applied to non-kinky (aka “vanilla”) sex, but they’re especially important to understand in the context of kink. Other acronyms exist, and are worth looking into. RACK, Risk Aware Consensual Kink, is another that you’ll come across.

If the idea of kink is interesting to you but you’re not sure where you’d fit, the websites bdsmtest.org and mojoupgrade. com can help point you in the right direction.

Now go out there and have some safe, sane, and consensual fun.

- L.P.

SEMPER

For Trans People, Healthcare Costs More than Money AMELIE LONSDALE - Queer Issues Editor When you’re a trans person like myself you spend a lot of time talking to doctors. Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) and other treatments are, for most of us, crucial for alleviating the discomfort we feel within our own bodies. Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as a quick chat and some new scripts.

Allegations are coming to light of Australian doctors sexually harassing their trans patients. This puts the patients in the uncomfortable position of either putting up with harassment, or losing their only source of vital healthcare.

I spoke to a young trans woman living in Brisbane, Tiffany*, about her experiences in the care of doctors.

When she decided that she wanted to start her medical transition back in 2009 she found herself waiting nearly two years to get access to hormones because her GP refused to prescribe any to her. And then, when she finally got to see an endocrinologist, she was stunned when he took an unnecessary, unjustified topless picture of her. “I don’t really know why he did it” Tiffany said. “It was incredibly undignifying.”

This was not an isolated incident either. Allegations of similarly inappropriate treatment have been made against doctors at the Stonewall Clinic in Windsor. Another endocrinologist, based in Sydney, is notorious in the trans community for making subtle passes at his trans women patients. “On my second appointment he did ‘check my breast growth’, and I’m still not sure if this was legitimate or not.” said Grace*, another trans woman I spoke to. “[He] poked one of my tits once and said “good” and left it at that.

[He also] complimented my butt a few times… You wouldn’t say ‘Great rack, by the way’ to a cis woman during a medical appointment, don’t say it to me.”

Unfortunately, there’s no easy solution to this problem, as a trans person cannot simply switch doctors the way a cis person might. Most GPs in Australia either don’t know how to help trans people with their transitioning, or give poor treatment guided by their own prejudices. Leaving your doctor for a new one could mean cutting yourself off from vital medications for months at a time, and reporting them could mean the same for all of that doctor’s patients. “If he lost his job or was discredited, it would be a huge blow to the community” said Grace. “Like if it was worse behaviour you’d say, it’s not worth having him as such a good endocrinologist…

But this is more a grey area.”

What we need is more doctors who have any idea how to treat trans people. “There really just needs to be more public education and more medical education, to the medical profession, on the needs of trans people” said Dr Evelyn Cromwell*, whom I interviewed about this issue, and I agree. When I first spoke to my GP about starting my medical transition I found myself explaining most of the drugs and procedures involved to them,

instead of the other way around.

As with equal marriage rights, decent medical treatment isn’t something we’ll get just by waiting for it. We have to go out and effect a change by standing up and demanding access to the same quality of healthcare cis people enjoy. Hopefully that’s a cause both trans and cis people can get behind. In the meantime, let people in the community know which doctors are good and bad, maybe by spreading the word at the UQ Queer Collective or your local queer group. Trans folks gotta support each other where other people won’t, after all.

*names have been changed.

Please note: The contributors to our Women’s column were unavailable for this edition.

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Given that there was no other opportunity for QUT students to express their feelings about student politics this year, we would like you to donate this poster to a QUT student and ask them to demonstrate those feelings in a practical manner.

NEWS

Cryptic Crossword Authored by White Bishop

24. This declaration is an alternative to the ear set beyond (6) 25. First day matinee shows mental deterioration (8) DOWN 1. The most favourable environment for Hydrogen or Oxygen for example. (7) 2. Where Calcium or the previous century are found. (9) 3. Master Ian knew who was big in Greek mythology (7) 4. Show what Kirk ordered fired from the left side. (7) 5. The ninety-fifth of one found after nuclear explosion (9) 6. Hold on tight, later (7) 7. An old excuse for keeping sons in eye. (7) 12. Before company on the border of large town gains intelligence far ahead of schedule, (9) 14. One who is good at text siege, especially holy text. (9) 16. I’m clear when untangled by 14 perhaps. (7) 17. Offensive when tailless object seen, it seems (7) 18. Little Edward, check for frozen water to find a building. (7) 19. Small insect on one and the last direction all accounted for. (7) 20. Hardy’s girl spends has time for small square tile of stone. (7)

ACROSS 1. They plan arrangements thermodynamically (8) 5. For them after an eventful song (6) 8. Those qualified to vote chose to speak it seems. (10) 9. A snack lacking in quiet. (4) 10. Using imagination and understanding, just how Captain Kirk got about. (14) 11. The rhapsody unshod, caring for someone. (7) 13. How many follow, if teen, found first? (7) 15. Ancient sage, I am in, with extreme intuition, (7) 18. My stuff is in the east of the territory above others. (7) 21. Seven press ions causing a quick reaction (14) 22. Company producing macramé without the wool maker. (4) 23. Don’t split one or you get the infinite plus four. (10)

Easier Clues ACROSS 1. Total heat (8) 5. A song of devotion (6) 8. Those qualified to vote. (10) 9. A snack (4) 10. Using imagination and understanding, (14) 11. Care for someone. (7) 13. Number (7) 15. Ancient sage (7) 18. above others. (7) 21. A quick reaction (14) 22. Company. (4) 23. Verb form. (10) 24. This declaration (6) 25. Mental deterioration (8)

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Bring a completed copy of this crossword to the Semper office, and enter the draw to win a $5 UQU voucher!

The same crossword made simpler.

DOWN 1. The most favourable environment (7) 2. Ordinal number. (9) 3. Titaness (7) 4. Show. (7) 5. The ninety-fifth of one across (9) 6. Later (7) 7. An old word for excuse. (7) 12. Intelligence far ahead of schedule, (9) 14. One who is good explaining the meaning of texts. (9) 16. A wonder, marvel. (7) 17. Offensive (7) 18. A building. (7) 19. All accounted for. (7) 20. A small square tile of stone. (7)

Edition 7 Solution: ACROSS 1 birefringence. 8 starry-eyed. 9 we’ve. 11 resettlement. 13 eventuate. 15 niece. 16 inept.

17 testifier. 18 extroversion. 21 Edna. 22 ethanamide. 23 effectiveness.

DOWN 2 ream. 3 fermentation. 4 in eye. 5 greatness.

6 epexegesis. 7 Great Bear Lake. 8 secretiveness. 10 reinvigorate. 12 repentance. 14 authentic. 19 swami. 20 jibe.

SEMPER

Sudoku

Hard

Easy

Living the UQ Life Your time at University is a rite of passage that should not be taken for granted. They don’t call it ‘unilife’ for nothing. Trust me, my time here has flown by in the blink of my eye and I feel like I am running out of time to try everything that UQ has on offer. I have started to worry that after I graduate I will regret lots of things I didn’t get around to doing.

I think I am suffering from FOMO and I do not want this happening to you!

I seriously didn’t realise as a little first year undergraduate that there was so much to see and do around campus. I believe this is what they call ‘campus culture’ and as I have learnt, it is a powerful source for socialisation that must be used to your advantage. University is not only an institution where you go to lectures and sit exams. You also come to campus to interact and make memories with your friends (including group assignment members). It is a valuable tool for you to try new things, take up different hobbies and have fun! I am starting to realise it is up to you make the most of your time as a student. I check my UQ Union diary religiously every week for important dates and I now endeavour to click ‘interested’ to all events I see on Facebook. I like that my calendar doesn’t just include assignment due dates anymore and there is lots to look forward to this semester. (Although, I would like to take the opportunity to point out that our studies do take priority, so be sure to find your uni/life balance.)

I hope this shortlist of activities and events in-

EJ Silvester’s guide to #UQLife

spires you to get involved and experience everything uni has to offer so you can proudly proclaim when you graduate, you lived the UQ life. #YOLO 1. Join lots of groups and societies on Market Day and start interconnecting 2. Like the UQ Union Facebook page and stay up to date with the latest events and photos 3. Enjoy a drink and a game of pool with your mates at the Red Room 4. Attend the Great Court Race and cheer on the competitors 5. Broaden your horizons and go on an overseas exchange 6. Play frisbee in the Great Court 7. Attend a UQ Union Council Meeting to catch up on the latest student news 8. Join the UQ StalkerSpace Facebook group and get the conversation started 9. Join a sporting team with UQ Sport and get fit and healthy 10. Have your say and vote in the UQ Union student council elections 11. Attend a society ball and kick on at the after party 12. Try every letter pizza at Pizza Caffe 13. See a movie or concert at the Schonell Theatre for date night 14. Check out the UQ Museums and put some culture on your fork 15. Pick up a copy of Semper Floreat for a good read!

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NEWS

President’s Report Jeremy Lwin - Focus

Jeremy Lwin didn’t give us a report for this edition, so we asked everyone in the office to summarise their opinions on the president in one sentence.

“Inattentive, easily distracted, overexcited but still a better option than Student Action” - Zachary Thomas “Aspiring fortnite professional, using UQ Union as a springboard to launch his YouTube career” Timothy Joyce “Studied engineering to become an astronaut yet was completely unaware of the fact that he was already a space cadet” - Kelsie McArthur

“For all of his faults. At least he isn’t as bad as Reform. (The blue version)” - Nicholas Comino “This life is just a stop in the journey back to his home planet *star emoji*” - Georgia Millroy “A good man who bravely overcame Ligma at a young age.” Drew Pavlou “Incredible president, but I wish his face was easier to draw.” Semper illustrator, Ruby Green

Art by Ruby Green

Opposition Leader’s Report A couple of weeks ago, the state Labor government tabled a bill to legalise abortion in Queensland for up to 22 weeks. Abortions after that time would require the consent of two doctors. This bill is very significant for all people at UQ, but particularly young women for whom access to reproductive rights is intrinsically connected to one’s ability to pursue one’s own aspirations and to live a truly independent life.

Abortion has been on the criminal code, punishable by seven years prison, since 1899. A 1986 ruling in the Supreme Court upheld an interpretation of the law which allowed abortion to be provided when a woman’s health was endangered, but abortion access is still up for contest. As late as 2010, police sought to prosecute a 19-year-old Cairns woman and her partner

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Duncan Hart - Student Action

who imported abortion drugs (widely accessible elsewhere) for their own use. In that case a jury found the pair not guilty.

Despite the criminalisation of abortion being a relic of the nineteenth century, there are still its modern defenders. The Liberal National Party’s state conference, held in July, voted nearly unanimously against any changes to abortion law.

Deb Frecklington, LNP state leader, who the UQ Union Women’s Officer invited to speak at the Union’s International Women’s Day breakfast, has not yet confirmed whether the LNP will allow its members a conscience vote and described a previous attempt to decriminalise abortion as “abhorrent.” Labor are only proposing to pass the bill with a conscience vote rather than their parliamentary majority, due to presence of anti-choice bigots in

their own ranks.

This means there is a lot to do for supporters of women’s rights and autonomy. We don’t want to see a re-run of the failed conscience votes Labor proposed for marriage equality the last time they were in federal government. There needs to be a public campaign to call for all MP’s to vote in favour of the bill, and to oppose any attempts by the LNP to water it down. It’s positive that members of UQ Union Council, of all political persuasions besides the three LNP members, voted up a motion supporting decriminalisation.

This represents a historic opportunity for the Union to fight for students’ rights. We can’t let it slip.

SEMPER

Labor Left’s Report

With an election on the way, we are reserving this space for any member of Labor Left who would like to submit a report on behalf of the club.

We do not edit, editorialise, or otherwise comment on the content that appears on these pages*. *unless it’s racist, sexist, bigoted, defamatory, or otherwise breaks the regs. We’d get in touch before publishing if we think that’s the case.

UQ Union Elections will take place in October

Nominations will open on

Monday 11 September This ad was not placed by the Returning Officer; we just think it’s our duty to keep you informed.

We encourage everyone to give student politics a go.

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COMEDY

St Lucia

Speculator UQ’s other news source since 1933

Peter Høj Announces UQ Muck-Up Day This October UQ Vice-Chancellor Peter Høj has today confirmed that UQ will get a muck-up day this year, after years of requests from the student body.

In a speech this morning, Professor Høj confirmed that “you can punch a lecturer on muck-up day and I can’t expel you.

“It’s this really old rule that’s been in the university rule book since the 1800s,” Professor Høj said.

Students have been revelling since the news was announced.

“Me and my classmates have already agreed that we’re going to move our chairs and desks into the Great Court on muck-up day,” revealed UQ Communications student Prue Davro.

“I’m planning to move my desk into a tree, because if I fall out, I’ve heard that if you get injured on muck-up day it’s in the university rules that they have to give you a 7 on all your courses,” Ms Davro explained.

But other students have been disappointed by the news.

“What we really need to ask ourselves is why we even

need a muck-up day,” explained student Ethan Van Roo. “As far as I’m concerned, every day on this campus is muckup day, as long as there are arts students in the law library,” he said.

UQU eSports Announces Slogan: ‘Pwn The Unknown’ UQU eSports coordinator Jim Boyce has today announced that his flagship project will now be operating under the slogan ‘pwn the unknown’.

“We thought this was the best way to capture the UQ spirit,” Mr Boyce explained.

“At a university where we are taught to take control of our destinies, I think it is also important that we seize every new opportunity to pwn unknown noobs over the internet.

“The truth is that we are teaching today’s uni students with no idea whether their eventual career even exists.

“Conversely, we know exactly what kinds of noobs exist on the net, and in which games we can pwn them.

“We should be using that kind of certainty to our advantage,” he said.

The new slogan bears a striking resemblance to UQ’s new slogan ‘own the unknown’, which has disgruntled some members of UQ staff.

“We think that pwning noobs is a low-effort endeavour, which is frankly beneath most UQ students,” UQ lecturer Kim Voice told the Speculator.

“On behalf of all academic staff at UQ, I would openly call on Mr Boyce to direct student’s attention to some of the more serious problems plaguing the world today.

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“The only unknowns that we should be pwning are rampant climate change, the impending rise of AI, and the use of lecture recordings,” Ms Voice explained.

A contingent of UQ lecturers put these issues to Mr Boyce at a recent press conference, but his only response was to make a finger circle below his waist.

The Speculator understands that the lecturers admitted they were both pwned and rekt, and declared “no re”.

“Get rekt, scrubs”.

- Jim Boyce

SPECULATOR

QUT Universe Somehow Fail To Announce Upcoming Election Despite the task being one of the easiest jobs to get right in the role of a student media service, the entire staff at QUT Universe managed to fuck up informing the student body of the upcoming QUT Guild Elections.

The publication has so far also failed to cover the resulting shit-show that occurred when Epic won the election uncontested.

It remains unclear at this stage whether the failure to publish was a calculated decision by the Universe staff, who were elected on the Epic ticket.

Experts have posited the equally likely scenario that Universe is simply upholding their commitment to never publishing anything worth reading.

QUT Guild Returning Officer Confirms Nothing In The Regs Bans Dog Running In Election QUT Guild’s Returning Officer has confirmed that Epic’s nomination forms are in order, despite having nominated a golden retriever to contest the role of Vice President of Sport.

“While I admit that the practice is unorthodox, I can find absolutely no rule in the book that says that a dog can’t play in student politics,” she explained.

Critics have queried how the good little boy could possibly do his job properly in the portfolio of Sport.

“I can find no rule saying that a dog can’t play basketball or baseball either,” the Returning Officer confirmed.

UQ Young Lib Already Planning Trip To Speculator Office To Complain About This Page Speculator editors already planning having somewhere else to be. So don’t bother, Kozij.

QUT Guild incumbents, Epic, claimed victory in their student elections after a nomination process only they were aware of.

Tony Abbott Still Deciding Which Young Lib To Include In New Profile Pic Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott has reportedly been deciding between several candidate profile pictures during every waking hour since the UQLNC President’s Gala on Saturday night.

A source close to the Warringah MP has described how Mr Abbott spent the better part of the ride home on Saturday night explaining how he’d met “so many wonderful, kind people tonight.”

The source confirmed Mr Abbott spent most of Sunday morning “flicking through pictures on his phone, trying to find the most grammable one.”

But by Monday morning, after several past and present UQ LNC members had changed their own profile pictures to depict the former PM, he had yet to decide which one he would include on his own profile.

“Like, I can see merits in each of them, but I just wouldn’t want to snub the wrong person,” Mr Abbott told himself while absent-mindedly swapping and applying filters to each of his top picks.

The decision appears to have gripped Mr Abbott, who reportedly whispered to himself at a party room lunch: “I just wish I had taken a big selfie with the group! God, you are so stupid, Tony!”

At press time, Mr Abbott had typed out the caption “Take me back to #UQLNCGala 2018! So many good times with so many great people”, but it remains unclear who would appear in the accompanying photo.

More news as it comes.

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PWNTHEUNKNOWN