Semper 2018: The Other Green Edition

How UQ Students Brought Down A Government/ p. 5

Dealing with being the Manic Pixie Dream Girl / p. 7

Meet UQ’s Most Controversial Professor / p. 4

SEMPER

Edition 6, 2018. Since 1932. Free.

NEWS

Acknowledgement of Country Semper acknowledges the Turrbal and Jagera peoples as the traditional owners of the land on which this newspaper is created. We pay our respects to elders past and present.

Editor’s Note Contents

Our Team

I have a feeling this is going to be my favourite edition for the year. Years from now, this will be the edition that I remember as a new splash of talent on to our pages.

This edition, we welcome our newest reporter, Dan, to our pages. Dan’s an aspiring journalist, and he reached out to us about joining the team. He jumped straight in, and his first story is our lead article on page 4.

This edition is also full to the brim with art by Ruby Green. Ruby has been providing artwork for us for a few editions now, but this edition, I think she’s really brought our pages to life. You’re gonna love what she’s done to spice up the stupol reports on pages 12 and 13.

Artwork is important to Semper.

You may remember my editorial from the second edition, where I discussed releasing the rights to some 80s Semper illustrations for exhibition at the Queensland State Archives. This edition, I speak with Matt Mawson, the man behind those artworks. His story is a reminder of the lasting importance of student expression, and how those of us producing this paper every fortnight might succeed in the future.

I have to acknowledge, of course, that all our new talent join a team of dedicated, hard-working editors who volunteer time week after week to make this newspaper great. Thank you to you all!

-Rowan Evans

Editor in Chief Rowan Evans

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Letters 3 News 4 Rainbow 6 Women’s 6 Sex 7 Tear-out Poster 8 Puzzles 10 Regulars 11 Union Pages 12 Comedy 14 Write for us!

Message the Semper Floreat facebook page, or drop into our new offices near the Red Room

Editors Alexander Asher, Oscar Green, Xander Hayward, Amelie Lonsdale, Richard Lawson, Morgan Pendergast, Kayla Reimann, Amy Sienkiewicz-Grob, Raphael Wixted, The Love Professor (whoever they are).

Art Tessa Clarkson (cover), Ruby Green, Google Images -> Tools -> Usage rights -> Labeled for reuse Printer Print on Demand, UQ St Lucia Publisher Semper is published by the UQ Union President, Jeremy Lwin, but he respects our editorial independence.

With Thanks Fletcher Quilty, Gillespie “A full name would be appreciated” Lachlanson, and all the boys down at Runcorn 4113 Disclaimer

The views expressed in this publication are the personal opinions of the authors. They do not necessarily reflect the views of the editor or the views of UQU. All articles are to be considered opinionative in nature. All articles remain the intellectual property of the authors.

SEMPER

Letters to the Editor

On Capitalism

Duncan Hart - Opposition Leader In the last Semper, [Focus] campaign manager Zach Thomas put forward the truism that “there is no ethical consumption under capitalism” in order to excuse [Focus]’s support for the naming of a new building at UQ after the CEO of Dow Chemical Company.

While no doubt Mr Thomas intended his statement to be ironic, he is fundamentally misconstruing the sentiment behind the meme.

Rather than implying that we should wallow in the horrors of capitalism’s systemic abuse of humanity and the natural environment, pointing out that there is no ethical consumption under capitalism is supposed to be a reminder that we cannot compromise with the system if our goal truly is social justice.

It’s a shame that the Union has refused to raise its voice when it could have played a positive role.

Instead it has affirmed that capitalism truly is a system “dripping from head to toe, from every pore, with blood and dirt.

On Flags

Amelie Lonsdale - Semper Editor

Where the fuck is the trans flag that used to fly over the UQ Union building?

And also why wasn’t Jeremy Lwin in his office when I tried to make use of his open door policy?

This is transphobia.

Want to get published?

You can reach the editors over Facebook, or by emailing semper@uqu.com.au.

Or, you can walk straight into our offices outside the Red Room.

Send us your stories, or just let us know your opinions on the latest edition.

Opinions are those of the writers.

On Crosswords Rowan Evans - Editor in Chief

We’d like to apologise for a typo in last edition’s crossword that made the cryptic crossword particularly difficult.

Specifically, the end of cryptic clue for 15 across ought to have read ‘lava wave hits elf tim’, where instead it read ‘lave’ wave etc.

Given that the typo directly impacted the intended anagram (lava + elf tim => ‘vital flame’), we felt that this was worthy of an apology.

However, despite our egregious error, somebody actually managed to solve the crossword for the first time this year!

Congratulations to Jack Wang, who sent us a completed crossword just in time to claim a UQU voucher. We’re all very proud.

To the rest of you, we’re hoping that you’ll give Jack a run for his money this fortnight. Bring us a completed edition of the crossword on page 10, and we’ll put you in the draw to win a UQU voucher of your own.

We’re 99% sure there’s no typos this time!

On The Word ‘To’ Alexander Asher - Semper Editor

To the editors, I note with alarm the number of letters due for publication on this page this week that are from Semper editors.

This betrays a fundamental misunderstanding of the word ‘to’. The student body come here to read letters to the editors, not from them!

One could argue that you are using this page for the exact opposite purpose for which it was designed.

Please revise your uses of this page.

Response: Dear Alex, thank you for your timely reminder of our duty to the student body.

Incidentally, to the ladies of UQ, Mr Asher is extremely single and looking for a girlfriend.

Enquiries accepted via letter to the editor.

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NEWS

A Public Debate Meet the Law Professor who’s moderating a controversial talk DAN BOW Semper’s Newest Journalist With art by Tessa Clarkson UQ’s official motto is ‘Scientia ac Labore’, but you could be forgiven for thinking that it was “Create Change”, “Not if, when”, or another equally meaningless marketing slogan.

If you’re anything like those of us down at the Semper office, you’ve probably had the thought that UQ’s marketing department rules this campus with an iron fist. It often seems that every member of staff shares in a corporation-wide duty to represent the university in the best way possible.

That’s why it came as a surprise to us when we received reports that UQ Law Professor, James Allan, was listed as the moderator of an upcoming public forum, titled ‘A Jew, a Muslim, and a Christian walk into a bar’ The event, which is hosted by the Liberal Democratic Party, boasts that the eponymous Jew, Muslim, and Christian will “debate important public issues and give their honest opinions on issues such as freedom of speech and religion, the success of immigration, and multiculturalism in Australia.”

In other words, this event will highlight a bunch of issues that UQ’s marketing department wouldn’t be caught dead discussing.

But Professor Allan of UQ’s Law School believes there is not only room for debate about controversial issues, but that it is vital.

“The worst thing you can do is only associate with people you agree with,” Professor Allan told Semper.

“For someone who only ever reads stuff they agree with, when they come up against someone who disagrees with them, they don’t know what to say.”

“I have an advantage, because almost every view I have on law is pretty minority,” he said.

Andrew Cooper, a Liberal Democratic Party executive, told Semper that Allan was the ideal candidate for this debate because he is “not afraid of controversial issues.”

“He has that lawyer’s ability to dissect a debate and ask the right questions even if it does not conform to any personal view he might hold. Ba-

sically, he’s an excellent choice for the role,” Mr Cooper said.

The event is raising eyebrows because of its controversial speaker list.

The Jewish representative is a self-described “proud Ozraeli”, Avi Yemini, who has been disavowed by the Executive Council of Australian Jewry. The Muslim is Mohammad Tawhidi, who calls himself an ‘Imam of Peace’ (though he is not recognised by any of Australia’s Imams Councils), and the Christian is Kirralie Smith, of Cory Bernardi’s Australian Conservatives Party.

“We have received two complaints about ‘platforming’ these speakers,” Cooper said.

“However, we believe in free speech.

“If their ideas are intolerable, then exposing them to discussion and debate is better than not.

“After all, that’s one of the benefits of free speech,” he said.

Professor Allan was unaware of the controversies surrounding the speakers, which he attributes to not being active on social media. “[The organiser] asked me to do it, and I don’t know anything else other than that.

“I know it’s a debate on immigration, and I’m supposed to be asking tough questions,” he said.

All three speakers are opposed to Muslim immigration to Australia. Even the so-called Imam of Peace has suggested that Muslims of other sects are plotting to violently establish a Caliphate in Australia.

Ibrahim Alzagezoug, a representative of the UQ Arab Student Association, issued a statement in advance of the event. “[Muslims] are coming here for a purpose: to work, study, and build a new life by working and supporting the country they’re living in,” Alzagezoug said.

“Most of us… most humans are descended from immigrants,” he said.

But Professor Allan rejects the suggestion that the event’s speaker list should be diversified.

“If the Libertarians want to hold a talk, they don’t need to have every point of view covered. The socialists don’t invite free market capitalists to come and balance their views,” Professor Allan said.

So, how does UQ’s Marketing team feel about all of this?

They told Semper they were aware of the event, and pointed us towards the university’s policy on media statements.

“The University supports engagement in the public arena made by those staff with the most appropriate expertise,” the policy states.

The policy goes on to state that if a member of staff “is writing on, or discussing a political, religious or social matter, with expertise no greater than that of a member of the general community, then no indication of association with the University should be given.”

But Professor Allan says that he’s never had an issue being acknowledged as a Law Professor.

“For all my complaints about universities, I’ve never had a hint that this university wanted to stop me saying something,” he told Semper.

‘A Jew, a Muslim, and a Christian walk into a bar’ will be moderated by Professor Allan, on May 17 at 7PM at the Mt Gravatt Bowls Club. Tickets $40. The Professors’s views are his own.

The Semper editors would be interested in your opinion on this piece for publication in a future edition.

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SEMPER

What was Semper like in the 80s?

Semper Editor-in-Chief Rowan Evans gets nostalgic for a time that he never experienced.

You might struggle to believe this, dear reader, but before we made a habit of ruining our own career prospects, the Semper team was known for ruining the career of one Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen, the Premier of Queensland from 1968 through 87.

Of course, there were a lot of factors that went into bringing down Sir Joh. Not the least of these factors were corruption at high levels of the police force, and Sir Joh’s politicaly motivated use of the ‘Special Branch’ of secret police.

Despite Joh’s attempts to oppress the people, Semper, and our friends at the 4ZZZ radio station, once posed a united front on UQ’s St Lucia Campus against the brutal police state. (In those days, the Semper office was located in the same building as the 4ZZZ studio, just under the refectory.)

Enter Matt Mawson, a public servant-turned-rebellious artist who stumbled upon a job in Semper some three decades ago.

“I’d been creative before coming to Brisbane,” Mr Mawson told me.

“When I came to Brisbane, I was working in the public service. It was really boring, so I drew a lot of quirky cartoons at night. I slipped them under the door at 4ZZZ after hours, and they invited me in to help out with Radio Times.

“The editor at Semper saw my stuff in Radio Times, and got me to work at Semper.

“I ended up leaving the public service, and working for Semper for $100 a week. I was very happy, even when working 30 hour shifts sometimes when there was a deadline coming up,” he said.

Matt’s career as a Semper illustrator coincided largely with Joh’s most corrupt period. Semper made no secret of its hostility towards the state government, and Matt’s caricatures of Joh came to symbolise the student body’s resistance.

One illustration drew allusions to the Ghostbusters logo, with the ghost replaced with a caricature of Joh’s distinctive face. Another shows Joh as a teacher watching over a student writing “I must not show my politics” on a blackboard.

Matt’s anti-authoritarian attitudes didn’t just get him noticed by the student body.

“Once I was driving home at 3am and got pulled up by the cops.

The guy asked ‘Where have you been?’ I said, ‘I’ve been working at Semper, trying to bring down the government.’

“I was wondering why I got pulled up, because I wasn’t speeding or anything.

“Later on, people suggested just about everybody who worked at Semper had a Special Branch file.

“In retrospect, knowing how trivial and vindictive they were, it’s quite possible. People who wrote letters to the editor at the Courier Mail, they had files on them too.

“I was a little bit flattered, like ‘Ooh, I’m worthy of attention’,” he said.

He said the police infiltration of student life reached the point where the Special Branch would regularly attempt to turn up to student events.

“You could generally tell who they were, though, because they were the only ones wearing polos,” he said.

Matt’s artwork defined a counter-cultural spirit that inspires the Semper team to this day.

Times have changed since the 80s. We have the same office space today, but there’s a lot fewer typewriters. We’ve lost the pot of coffee Matt used to drink from, and he told me he used to smoke Marlboro Reds at his desk, too. I’m pretty sure that’s not allowed today.

But in many ways, we’re the same paper that was bustling when XTC and The Clash were playing at 4ZZZ events just upstairs. Sure, we’re not bringing down state governments today, but without people like Matt providing us with a rich history of counter-cultural demonstrations, we wouldn’t have the confidence to stand up to the tyranny of shrinking car parks and possible cults on campus.

But Matt’s work didn’t just inspire Semper. When the Queensland State Archives released the last of the Bjelke-Petersen Government’s cabinet minutes this year, they thought Matt was the best candidate to illustrate them. He’s just now finishing up an artist’s residency at the Archives.

“One day a week, I come in, I read a summary of the minutes that’s been put together by people from Griffith University,” Matt told me.

“If something grabs my attention, I dig out those minutes, and it triggers cartoon ideas.”

Matt said his rebellious time at Semper still informs his art today.

“I try to remain unconventional,” he said.

So do we, Matt. So do we.

Sunshine Rebooted is on exhibition at the Queensland State Archives this May. Matt Mawson’s works will be featured as part of the exhibition alongside other objects borrowed from historical institutions, and reproductions from the QSA collection.

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NEWS

Love & Relationships Help from the Love Professor

Love Professor, I am too cold and heartless to form meaningful human connections, how do i change this?

Worried Release Well Frozen, the short answer to your question is “one step at a time”. Change is slow, but, as hard as it is, you just have to start taking the steps to become less cold

Get your advice at http://LoveProfessor.sarahah.com/

and heartless.

Around this time last year I hit one of the lowest points of my adult life. My heart experienced a coldness that sounds very similar to yours, and I pushed away those I loved most. For the first time I felt truly alone. What helped for me was revisiting friendships I had with those nearest and dearest to me. Be on the lookout for moments where you do feel warm and close to people, and try to work out why moments like that arise.

Being alive in this world is the hardest thing any of us have to do, and it isn’t something you have to do by yourself.

Headspace (https://www.eheadspace.

Just the Tips

The Love Professor’s Guide to Avoiding Masturbation By Making Friends

In the fourth edition of Semper Floreat, I took you all through the world of Self Love. I’ve been informed that this ruffled the feathers of our publishers. So, this edition, I thought that I’d get back in their good books by helping you foster some wholesome, Christian friendships.

Put yourself in the right place at the right time. Be it class or a club, a big part of meeting people is flimsily justifying your being in a room with them once or twice a week. Becoming casual acquaintances is the first step to becoming friends, so don’t shoot yourself in the foot before you begin! When I moved to Brisbane, I didn’t know anyone. Four gregarious years later and it sometimes feels like I know everyone who lives in the Greater Metropolitan area. So, get out there, preferably somewhere that is public, where masturbation will be the furthest thing from your mind.

Talk to people. As obvious as it is, a lot of people who bemoan their lack of friends surround themselves with strangers and then choose not to engage. Sure, sometimes they’ll make the first move - but you can’t just wait for that to happen. Take control of your life. I found my first two big social groups at UQ by talking to people on campus who were handing out flyers.

Maybe marketing gurus aren’t right for you, but talking to people is always a start. Just remember not to bring up choking the chicken as a conversation topic, because this is not the kind of life that Christ calls us to.

Lower your standards. There are only very few reasons to avoid people — racism and rudeness chief among them. But a dorky outfit or a speech impediment? Those are downright awful reasons not to befriend someone. Respect yourself, by all means, but don’t be shallow. As a first year I chose to avoid some people based on their degree, and that’s the kind of inane elitism that leads to a lonely life. Only one kind of person deserves to be on the receiving end of such elitism, and that is those that shake hands with their John Thomas.

Know the signs. Matthew 25:13 reminds us to “keep watch, for you do not know the day, nor the hour wherein the Son of Man cometh”, and the same is true of whence cometh friend-

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org.au/) is a service that offers free mental health counselling to anyone under the age of 25. Insecurities and the stress of life and love have made me a regular visitor for more than a year. They’ve helped me out of some dark places, and I’m always going to be grateful to them.

To get back to your original question, people usually want to connect with someone who is willing to connect back.

Relationships, both platonic and romantic, aren’t unilateral and you need to be able to make yourself vulnerable before others will do the same for you.

ship. When you find yourself walking across campus, and cross paths with a familiar face, remember the three stages of friendship. First, is the acquaintance who nods and smiles, but keeps walking. Next is the one who removes one headphone, and asks how you’re doing, but keeps walking. Finally, comes the friend who stops in their tracks and begins a short conversation that inevitably ends with “gotta run, ‘cos I’m late to class, let’s meet up soon”. Foster relations with those who are in the third category, and you will surely be on your way to never again ‘looking for clues with Fred and Daphne’, as the kids are calling it these days.

People could offer a million other tips and tricks about making friends, so once you’ve got some buddies ask them what they think!

Above all, though, remember: not every friendship you make at uni is going to last, and that’s okay. What matters is that you lead a wholesome life while doing it. And if you find that your time with someone runs its course, you’ll still have all your good memories and the things you’ve learned.

I hope you are enjoying a happy and holy semester, - Love Professor PHD in Fuckin’ and Truckin’

Art: Ruby Green

SEMPER

The Manic Pixie Dream Girl At Uni VERONICA (THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS ANONYMOUS CONTRIBUTOR) She’s got purple hair, she reads philosophy, she gets coffee at Wordies. And there’s me. I’ve got a massive crush on her, we have so much in common. She’s my soulmate.

Or she just wanted to have purple hair, reads philosophy because it’s what she studies, and she hates Wordies but loves the chips. She’s the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. She’s also sick of this dude who doesn’t get the hint. Manic Pixie Dream Girl isn’t Guy’s dream girl. She’s just a girl, who unfortunately sat next to A Guy the first tutorial of the semester and now she’s trapped in a relentless dance.

“How do I tell this boy to back off, but avoid upsetting him because I have class with him for the rest of the semester?”

I’m not raging against young love. Uni is a great place to meet people and learn about interpersonal relationships. But if you’ve ever been the object of a male peer’s obsession, you understand how uncomfortable it can be.

If you’ve ever been that girl, you know how awkward this can be. Most often you’ll just wait the semester out, and hope you never see him again. In the meantime you’ve dodged his invitations to coffee to ‘discuss’ the course, avoided

his messages on Facebook, and cringed when he stared at you in class. He’s made your life uncomfortable, but he thought that he’s a noble lover pining away for his soulmate. Then one day after weeks of dodging he cornered you and declared his undying love. Oh god.

Oh no. He didn’t get it.

Art: So you told him. You Ruby Green told him that you don’t feel the same way. His face crumpled. Oh no. Oh god. You felt responsible for Guy’s feelings.

You weren’t actually. You could and maybe should have told him how he gave you the creeps all semester, with his relentless pursuit.

How come he didn’t get it when you made excuses not to get coffee five times in the past week? But, oh, he looks so miserable, what have you done?

You’ve stood up against someone who was imagining you into the Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

Don’t worry reader, he’s just going to write some sad poetry about his feelings.

I can’t believe my dream woman doesn’t love me back. Oh wow, look at this new girl, she’s got green hair, glasses, and is reading the same book as me!

How to Handle What Cis People Say AMELIE LONSDALE - Queer Issues Editor In my life as a trans woman, I’ve heard a lot of dumb shit intended to tear me down. Cis people love their little queries and gotchas intended to tear us down and turn us back into what they see as ‘normal, happy people’. So I thought I’d compile some of my favourite answers to those questions here, for any trans people who need help dealing with the annoying cissies in their lives.

You’re Just Confused. Yeah, I’m pretty confused about why you think you have any authority over my identity, or why you think you know my emotions better than I do.

This is Just a Phase. Fucking maybe. But so what? If it is a phase I’m not going to get to the end of it by repressing all my feelings, stuffing them back away and suffering through life as someone I’m not. I know I’m a lot happier with myself now than I used to be, and if my identity changes in the future then i’ll roll with it and be happier again.

If You Were Really Trans You Would Have Known A Lot Earlier Than This. When I was a child I had no idea that being anything other than my assigned gender was even an option. I didn’t know what the word ‘trans’ meant. But you want to tell me that a child should have

been able to identify with a concept they didn’t even know? And if I did how could I have expressed that to my cisnormative parents and siblings? Let’s not pretend they wouldn’t have told me I was ‘too you to know what I was’ if i’d done that. Gay people can come out in their fifties, after they’ve been married for decades, and have their identities respected so why can’t I? ‘You’ll Ruin Your Body’. I’m already unhappy with my body, so much so that I’m willing to pay hundreds of dollars for doctors appointments and prescriptions to change it slightly. How I see my body is so much more important than how you or anyone else sees it.

‘You’ll always be [deadname] to me’. Fuck you. (x20) (I don’t have a good response for this one, but if anyone says this to you then just know that you deserve better and they should fuck off).

If you need help dealing with an annoying cis person in your life, then feel free to email me (amelie.lonsdale94@ gmail.com), or come see me in the Semper office (usually there Monday & Wednesday early-mid afternoon). If you’re an annoying cis person yourself, then come see me at the Semper office for an ass kicking.

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PUZZLES

Cryptic Crossword Authored by White Bishop

ACROSS 1. Group of students, I see, is meeting before the first of May, for a love of some poets. (10) 6. A stiff drink of starch resembling sago. (4) 9. Spell aura. State meal request in this building. (10) 10. Bed roll loses filling but starts ringing. (4) 12. Different job for smart engines turning over. (12) 15. Business proportion in the open (9) 17. Some term they will see your true measure. (5) 18. Sharp second class fellow receives direction. (5) 19. An ample amount of the people write a confused note about us, (9) 20. Two overseas trips, including seasickness, handle that with a TV, perhaps. (12)

Easier Clues ACROSS 1. A movement in literature. (10) 6. Starch resembling sago. (4) 9. A place to eat out. (10) 10. A device that rings (4) 12. A different job (12) 15. A single instruction in a computer program (9) 17. Measure. (5) 18. Sharp piece of metal (5) 19. An ample amount (9) 20. Electronic equipment (12) 24. Unpleasantly cool and humid. (4) 25. Spread of negative information (10) 26. Action. (4) 27. Unclear (10)

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24. Sank but not that down like that but still somewhat wet.

(4) 25. After an extreme visit, you finally operate the spread of negative information (10) 26. Documented action. (4) 27. A dad joke becomes unclear (10) DOWN 1. Stiff or funny could be a joker. (4) 2. Besides Calypso, see why a soft musical sound is not included too (4) 3. “Sham, Fay”, said Lee, shyly. (12) 4. Scrub around the edges (5) 5. In the middle of a jail term is where one might become aware. (9) 7. Spinner spun, and so on, then needs charge before it is chosen again. (2-8) 8. When one is involved in arms limit. (10) 11. Like the soundtrack of a Marvel comic (12) 13. Emotional Foreigner’s claim to be popular and initiated.

(3-7) 14. A good time history for another birthday. (10) 16. Lo, the little demon is on a sudden inward collapse, like a TimTam perhaps (9) 21. Gullible one can always see and hear a bee sing quietly.

(5) 22. Little one who talks almost like a tower. (4) 23. Exhausted strike (4)

Bring a completed copy of this crossword to the Semper office, and enter the draw to win a $5 UQU voucher!

The same crossword made simpler.

DOWN 1. Joker. (4) 2. As well (4) 3. Shyly. (12) 4. Edges (5) 5. Awareness (9) 7. Chosen again. (2-8) 8. Forceful political orientation (10) 11. Using words that imitate the sound they denote (12) 13.Prone to emotion. (3-7) 14. Historical period. (10) 16. A sudden inward collapse (9) 21. Gullible one (5) 22. Little one. (4) 23. Strike (4)

Edition 5 Solution: ACROSS 1 adieu. 4 assiduous. 9 rapturous. 10 no-one.

11 disequilibria. 14 mere. 15 vital flame. 19 nonagenary. 20 beta. 22 Iris tingitana. 25 agist.

26 terabytes. 28 boyfriend. 29 ghoul.

DOWN 1 abridgment. 2 imp. 3 Urumqi. 4 abolition.

5 sushi. 6 dandruff. 7 Onora. 8 seed. 12 Saran.

13 metatarsal. 16 Aaron’s rod. 17 ameba. 18 aglitter. 21 air bag. 22 icily. 23 tithe. 24 barb.

27 two.

Apologies for clue 15a the clue which contained lava spelt incorrectly.

SEMPER

Sudoku

Hard

Easy

Quick Tips For Slackers ALEXANDER ASHER Over-caffeinated Semper Editor

Do you get tired of having to buy multiple coffees a day? Be like me, and buy six shots in one go. Soon enough, the baristas will recognise you and they’ll start your order before youeven ask.

7 Juicy Secrets Nobody Tells You About Sexism Slipped under the door of the Semper office.

Listen up, ladies, because here are some industry secrets that the boys won’t tell you about what the workforce is really like! It’s pretty rare, but I work in a team where a third of the women are female!

I know, apparently it is possible for women to get jobs.

1. What to do when a man takes credit for a project you’ve been working hard on OR completely takes over a role you’ve been given? Grin and bear it honey!

2. What to do when you’re followed into a meeting you were asked to be at and asked to leave because someone thought you looked like you were lost? You awkwardly explain that you know what you’re doing of course! AWKWARD!!!

3. How do you unlock your door when a group of men you barely know decide it’s ok to lock you out of your office without your consent? Guess what, I still don’t know!

4. Did you know, that it’s super demeaning when a member of your team talks over you SOOO much that the people you’re negotiating with have

to stop him so you have a chance to speak? WEIRD!!!

5. Nobody really tells you what to say when a man comes up to you and tells you it’s going to be hard to cuck you now because you may be dating one of his mates! Strange 6. I can tell you ladies that it’s super offensive when you’re asked to sit in a meeting about a man centric initiative that you have no interest in, because it will make the boys look better if it comes from a female! Guess what, apparently my body is worth more than my opinion! Who would’ve thought it?!

7. What to do when a guy who’s groped you and many of your lady friends’ multiple times and even tried to slip a finger into friend’s vagina comes and sits on your couch? Ask him what he’s doing there, silly!

I know that these can seem pretty silly, but let me tell you that dealing with these fun occurrences multiple times a day sure does wear you down. If you ever experience some of these fun occurrences, just remember to bottle them up and release then in a passive aggressive article.

11

President’s Report

Jeremy Lwin - Focus

Hi all, With exam season fast approaching I thought it was time I let you in on how things have been shaping up at your UQU. Last week we held our 10th Annual Cultural Fiesta, which was a roaring success. With over 40 clubs and 2000 students in attendance throughout the day, not even the rain could dampen our spirits. The UQ student body once again shined through with a stunning display of our multicultural community, with both entertainment and food galore, really going to show just how far the Cultural Fiesta has come since the six clubs in 2008 clustered around the grassy knoll.

Pub Crawl season has hit full swing, with SASS’s Bar Trek, Irish Club’s Celtic Crawl and UNSA’s Populist Pub Crawl racking in huge crowds over the past few weeks. Bevvies were flowing and fun was had; as were hangovers.

Nevertheless, things are only expected to get hotter, as FOCUS’ UQU Merriment Movement will be underway this week on the 8th to the 11th. The Merriment Movement is a celebration of all things that make us merry, with a series of activities including workshops, yoga, meditation, bubble soccer, food trucks, and a movie night happening throughout this week - so keep your eyes out! The Merriment Movement is a great collaboration between the UQU and the UQ Red Cross Society, and there will be donation boxes for those of you who are passionate about giving back to the community.

In addition, this Thursday, we will be holding the UQU Pride Ball, giving all students an opportunity to appreciate the LGBTI+ community, and as a reminder UQU’s hosting of the Eurovision will be on Friday and it is not too late to get your tickets. Food on Forgan will be making a return on the 17th, FOCUS for UQU has continued to be committed to improving the quality of your student union, and will continue to do so. While this is great for you guys it means I have to come up with a new report every two weeks now ! All worth it for Semper Chat soon, JL

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SEMPER

Opposition Leader’s Report Duncan Hart - Student Action Student Action have been busy promoting a number of campaigns over the past two weeks, in line with our values of bringing an activist orientation to the Union.

Foremost among them has been promotion of an upcoming march against the proposed Adani coal mine, set to occur in Queens’ Park, the Brisbane CBD on May 19. While [Focus]’s environment officers have only publicly promoted the Great Court party this year on their facebook pageplease, go and check!- Student Action believes it is important for students to appreciate the scale of the environmental catastrophe facing the world unless carbon emissions and other forms of environmental devastation are rapidly stripped back. Adani is a lynchpin for the future of fossil fuels in this country- the proposed mine will be five times the size of Sydney harbor, and will make future coal projects in the Galilee basin increasingly viable. Clive Palmer for instance, has proposed a mine in the area that he has boasted will produce “33% more” coal than Adani. If all of the coal in the Galilee is burnt, this will get the world one third of the way to reaching a 2 degree Celsius increase.

Despite this madness and sustained community opposition, the Adani mine still has its advocates among the Liberal Nationals, Labor and big business. This means that even with the QLD Labor government’s decision to veto the Turnbull government’s proposed $1 billion interest-free loan to Adani, there are still other mechanisms for the federal government to use to fund the project, such as the Export Finance and Insurance Corporation (EFIC). EFIC reports directly to Steve Ciobo as Minister for Trade, who last year changed the remit of EFIC in order to enable subsidies to domestic coal projects.

The Adani mine thus remains a real threat, which needs to be stopped. The Union needs to take a strong stand on these issues and should seek to educate and organize students to stand up for the future of our planet. I hope to see you at the rally on May 19.

COMEDY

Speculator

St Lucia

UQ’s other news source since 1933

Cold Weather Marks Start Of Senior Jersey Season Inclement weather has led forecasters to predict that senior jerseys will soon flood university campuses nationwide.

“Usually, we expect this season to come around towards the end of May, or even the start of June,” Livio Regano told the Speculator today.

“So, yes, I would say this is an early start to the senior jersey season,” he said.

Experts say it is difficult to predict how far back the jersey numbers will go this year.

“Obviously, we expect to see a large number of senior jerseys from the past two years,” a spokesperson from the Bureau of Meteorology said.

“But we can’t deny that there’s always a stray Class of 09er with no shame.”

Community Voice:

Thanos wanted the Infinity Gauntlet to wipe out half of humanity, but how would you use it?

Ethan: Law Student

Thanos should have halved the population of the law library.

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Jeremy: Union President

I would end the tyranny of closed doors.

Peter: Vice Chancellor

I am pleased to announce that the 2018-21 Student Strategy makes Infinty Gauntlets a core focus.

With our game-changing graduates and a commitment to creating change, we will not only have world-class infinity gauntlets, but we will be able to halve the number of carparks at this university in the blink of an eye.

SPECULATOR

Student Who Promised 2018 Would Be Different Drops Course Before Assessment Due A student who spent the first half of semester telling classmates how to beat procrastination with simple life hacks has reportedly dropped a course on the due date of an assignment, sources confirm.

Bill Oregano, a Bachelor of Communications student, confided in friends he “really wasn’t feeling this one,” and “wouldn’t want to submit work that wasn’t my best”, classmates have told the Speculator.

The news has been particularly difficult for Mr Oregano’s lecturer, Professor John Dill.

“I’ve known Mr Oregano ever since he first enrolled in this course five years ago,” Professor Dill said.

“To see him return this year with a renewed vigour for learning was quite a treat, and I thought this might finally be the semester he passes my first year course.

“But unfortunately, I haven’t seen Bill since the week two lecture,” he said.

At press time, Mr Oregano was insisting to reporters that he would be a GPA 7 student if he just applied himself.

GPS Kids Release Findings Of Longitudinal Survey About Which School Classmates Went To Former students of Brisbane’s Great Public Schools have today released results of a a massive longitudinal study about the high schools that UQ students attended.

“Our methodology was simple and effective,” explained lead researcher, Troy Hewitt.

“Every time we met a student on campus, we simply asked which school they went to.

“Perhaps the most interesting finding was that there was a direct correlation with whether a student went to a GPS school and how likely we were to continue the conversation,” Mr Hewitt said.

Some students have complained to the Ethics Committee of the GPS Kid Research Centre about the invasive nature of the question.

“We feel that every student has an inalienable right to only be judged on sporting prowess and OP ranking,” said one complainant.

But CSIRO researcher Steve Ricks said the scientific community are questioning whether the study went far enough.

“If we are ever going to address the major gaps in the current literature, we need surveys that ask about the net wealth of classmates’ parents, and what their father’s last name is,” he said.

UQ Student Services Partner With PCYC To Host Blue Light Disco UQ Student Services has announced a new strategic partnership with the Police Citizens Youth Club to encourage university students to enjoy a safe, drug and alcohol-free night.

“We’re proud to invite all students to a special blue light disco this weekend,” a spokesperson for Student Services said.

“Our goal is to remind students

that it’s cool to say no to alcohol,” they said.

PCYC director, Trevor Totaller, said that he was proud that the university was getting on board.

“We’ve all heard the horror stories of students acting as though they are members of the 18-25 year old age bracket,” Mr Totaller said.

“Together with UQ Student Services, we think we can put an end

to this culture,” he said.

The Blue Light Disco will take place this Friday.

“Doors open at 7pm, and entry will be free,” reads a statement on the Student Services website.

“We will be offering a range of sugar-free soft drinks all night.

“Parents are encouraged to pick up their children by 9pm.”

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UQ Interfaculty Competitions Sign-Ups are open NOW! Join your club/faculty in our Semester 2 competitions and enjoy the social, sporting atmosphere that UQIC brings to campus life.

Our 2018 sports are: Monday night Men’s Basketball Tuesday night Mixed Touch Rugby league Friday night Men’s Rugby Friday night Mixed Netball Friday night Mixed Soccer Use the sign-up link on our FB page (@theUQIC) or go directly to our Join It page: www.joinit.org/o/interfaculty-competitions/ Registration closes on Friday 25th May (Week 12) so don’t miss out!