Semper 2018: The Pink Edition

Millionaire Donates To UQ / p. 14

How bout that Law Ball? / p. 15

Is the Faculty of Medicine harbouring a cult? / p. 4

SEMPER

Edition 5, 2018. Since 1932. Free.

NEWS

Acknowledgement of Country Semper acknowledges the Turrbal and Jagera peoples as the traditional owners of the land on which this newspaper is created. We pay our respects to elders past and present.

Editor’s Note Contents

Our Team

I don’t know about you, but I felt that that Easter break was a bit of a tease. I had just enough time to revisit the best video games in my collection before being yanked back to my studies.

While I feel a lot of pride in having been able to unite Ireland and Scotland under my rule in Crusader Kings 2, and also in coming desperately close to winning a single game of Fortnite, these achievements came at the same time as the Commonwealth Games, which never seemed to leave the news.

As proud as I am of my video gaming prowess, those vicious athletes really took the wind out of my sails by winning so many gold medals. “What am I really doing with my life here and why aren’t I focussing more on running, skipping, and jumping like that?” I wonder at times like these.

I suppose the athletes feel the same way about the Games taking place at the same time as Easter. “What am I really doing with my life and why aren’t I foccusing more on resurrecting myself from the dead?” I am sure they wonder at times like these.

But there is no such moment of pride turning to shame with this edition of Semper. I am very proud of the work that the team has put in over the mid-sem, and I hope you are too!

-Rowan Evans

Editor in Chief Rowan Evans

Letters 3 News 4 Rainbow 6 Women’s 6 Sex 7 Tear-out Poster 8 Puzzles 10 Regulars 11 Union Pages 12 Comedy 14 Write for us!

Message the Semper Floreat facebook page, or drop into our new offices near the Red Room

ADVERTISE HERE Send your club or society event to the Semper facebook page and you could be in our next edition!

(Contact us today so we can stop paying out on Asher!)

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Editors Alexander Asher, Oscar Green, Xander Hayward, Amelie Lonsdale, Richard Lawson, Morgan Pendergast, Kayla Reimann, Amy Sienkiewicz-Grob, Raphael Wixted Art Tessa Clarkson (cover), Ruby Green, Olivia Cameron, Google Images -> Tools -> Usage rights -> Labeled for reuse Printer Print on Demand, UQ St Lucia Publisher Semper is published by the UQ Union President, Jeremy Lwin, but he respects our editorial independence.

With Thanks Fletcher Quilty, and all the boys down at Runcorn 4113 Disclaimer

The views expressed in this publication are the personal opinions of the authors. They do not necessarily reflect the views of the editor or the views of UQU. All articles are to be considered opinionative in nature. All articles remain the intellectual property of the authors.

Ladies of UQ, Semper editor Alex Asher is single and ready to mingle!

Match him on Tinder today for your chance to win a $5 UQU voucher!

SEMPER

Letters to the Editor Opinions are those of the writers.

With the mid-semester break having just passed, most of the student body were too busy living their lives to give us their thoughts.

So we decided to source our letters to the editor a bit differently this week.

Namely, we emptied the UQ Union suggestions box located in the 24/7 Study Space (Kingham Room). Here are the thoughts of your classmates.

On Bins

Editor’s note: we also found an empty box of tea bags in the suggestions box, so it looks like someone is using it as a bin already.

You can reach the editors over Facebook, or by emailing semper@uqu.com.au.

Or, you can walk straight into our offices outside the Red Room.

Send us your stories, or just let us know your opinions on the latest edition.

Replace Kettle in 24/7 space with a SAFE one. Or better yet a hot/cold tap =) Editor’s note: The unsafe kettle sounds like the next big Semper scoop! But also, while you’re at it, Union exec, please install similar facilities in the Semper office.

On Militarising UQ

Militarise the university, in the name of Hermann Boering*.

Use the psychology department to brainwash freshmen.

Use the human movement students as human shields.

We will strike fear into the world… or to be more precise: the real world.

Have more than 1 bin in the 24hr study space near Reddy’s.

Want to get published?

On Amenities

*We’re pretty sure this was an edgy second year attempting to reference the Nazi Hermann Göring. We would normally omit this kind of attempt at humour, but we had no choice but to include it when Student Rights VP Paul Taylor read it and said “if her mann is boering, tell her to call me”.

Facebook Competition Winner We offered a chance at a $10 UQU voucher on our facebook page. Entrants just had to tell us their opinion: Which Semper has been the best so far?

Jaron Phillips (Winner): “I thought the green one. It continued on from where the first left off and confirmed we were in for a brilliant Semper year for realsies this time.”

Editor’s note: hopefully soon it will be the pink one!

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NEWS

Cults at UQ? How it’s much less likely than the ABC made it sound.

ALEXANDER ASHER Science Editor With art by Tessa Clarkson If you stumbled across the ABC at all last Monday, you would have seen headlines about UQ’s Faculty of Medicine being embroiled in a cult.

In case you missed the original saga, let me bring you up to speed: there’s this group called ‘Universal Medicine’. It’s exactly as crazy as it sounds. If you were to google them now, and take a shot of your preferred beverage every time you read something they’d written that sounded loony, you’d be dead within an hour. Even if you were shotting lowstrength beer.

According to the ABC, researchers at UQ’s Faculty of Medicine are involved in this so-called cult.

This is scandalous, the ABC says, because the researchers didn’t declare a conflict of interest when they wrote a paper about the health of women who are part of Universal Medicine.

In the view of those of us here at Semper, this reporting was sensationalism at its worst. We hope to offer you an alternative view, because we consider ourselves a cut above the ABC — at least as far as concerns serious journalism about the University of Queensland.

The main author of the scandalous paper is a New South Welsh financial advisor by day, a newspaper columnist by weekend, and a PhD student at UQ only in his spare time. So, while the ABC is calling him a “member of UQ’s Faculty of Medicine”, it’s probably more accurate to call him “a UQ student”.

But that obviously wouldn’t bait as many clicks.

The cult side of things is a non-issue. At the end of the day, UQ couldn’t do much about this conflict of interest if they tried. Universal Medicine bills itself as a religion, and our ethics board would have a hard time asking everybody to state their religious persuasions in a non-discriminatory way.

So, we’ve decided to let the mainstream media focus on the cultism. We think what ought matter more than those allegations is whether scientists that claim the name of our good university are doing good science. After all, someone can fail to state their conflicts of interest, and still stumble upon something that is true (though we admit we can’t

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see why one would want to). So, it’s time to put our lab coats on and look at the data.

The paper in question makes the bold claim that women in the Universal Medicine group are healthier than other Australian women. The paper asserts this by surveying the women of Universal Medicine, and comparing the survey results against the results of the Australian Longitudinal Study on Women’s Health.

The first problem with this is that the ALSWH was a longitudinal study. It followed women of all backgrounds (different smoking statuses, classes, marital statuses, etc.). The ALSWH coordinators checked in with the subjects for medical testing every decade.

The authors of this paper just asked members of UM to fill out a survey about their health. Trying to compare these two wildly different data types is like comparing apples with oranges.

Also worth noting is that the UM survey tried to diagnose every medical condition in the book. For the benefit of the Arts Students out there, this is known as p-hacking — a technique where you test as many different factors as you can, hoping that one of them will appear to be statistically significant. Then you publish your results in a way that emphasises what you appear to have found.

So, the verdict is in. A PhD student did bad science and found what he wanted to find. This probably happens more than we’d like to think. The misfortune in this case is that an ABC journalist happened to switch on Google Alerts for the words ‘Universal Medicine’

SEMPER

An Affordable Trip To Japan Semper’s Travel Guru, Kayla Reimann had a much better mid-sem than you.

So if you want to get away with spending two weeks in Japan, carving some fresh Ja-pow for less than a grand, then lean in. We’re talking about unabashedly cheapskate deals here, and they’re not for the faint-hearted.

Let’s get around Hakuba – a land where white powder is completely legal.

Adventurers, and savvy travellers alike, carve epic lines across Happo One, Hakuba 47, Tsugaike and Awatake. Here we’re met with a web of cat-tracks, steep slopes, tree runs and fast chair lift lines. As well as the adventure, the sights are well worth it. Looking back from the chair lifts, note the dark ridges of distant mountains which span out behind you and the fresh snow flakes which scintillate in the morning sun. Welcome, friends, to Hakuba.

So now we know what’s there, let’s go. But today we’re heading out on a budget, because that parking fine has left us a little out of pocket… To start with, find a friend who’s seriously keen on the snow. So keen, in fact, that they wouldn’t mind spending their three month Summer holiday over there. Then, urge them onwards to apply for that job in the ski resort/ ski shop/ ski holiday outlet. You can even help them fill out their resume.

When they’re over there, get the run down. Ask about his or her one room accommodation and how you could possibly find some mattresses lying around the hotel, and arrange them on the floor so that two to three people could fit. You know, in the event that someone wanted to stay. Conveniently for us, our mate was chucked on the top floor and the hotel’s mattresses where randomly stacked at the end of the corridor – so it was a free 2 week sleep over in Japan!

Note: pack a towel. There is nothing more frustrating than drying yourself with a face towel after every shower for 14 days. Nothing.

Once the logistics are sorted and you can see yourself living frugally, jump on the cheapest flight you can find. We went with Jetstar, heading from Brissy to Tokyo, but going out from the Gold Coast will make it even cheaper. Also beware of the dodgy 6 hour layo-

ver in Cairns on the way home –although watching the sunrise in Cairns was immensely calming, after drying yourself with a face towel for that long, you just want to get home.

Once in Japan, be sure to enjoy the luxuries of using your friend’s staff discounts – you can look forward to a hiring a premium snow board for two weeks for just 50 bucks, free daily ski passes, free food when guests check out and hand over all their surplus shopping, a free car to ride around in and a place to stow all your gear during the day. And don’t forget the free (albeit frugal) accommodation! Basically, your only costs are to cover flights and bus tickets to get to the freshly powdered peaks of Happo One. So now that you’ve saved so much, you have this sudden urge to spend a little. You can already smell it… the wafting of a hot Chicken Catsu Curry from Oshi Mu. Grab your 10 bucks worth of yen, and GET READY, for the biggest feed of your life. Picture the eye of a Giant Atlantic Squid, which is roughly the size of a dinner plate (so maybe just picture a dinner plate) and now, multiply that by about 3.14– you are now visualising a feed which will keep you sustained for the next two to three days. Don’t feel pressured into finishing it, because the pain will make you regret it, but just remember, this is Hakuba on a budget and you don’t know when the sushi train will stop next.

There will be some days when you feel a slight rumble in the tum because your rations have run out and icicles just aren’t that filling. But know, that these moments, when the spirit is challenged and your motives questioned, these are the moments where greatness is born. Pain is temporary, but if you quit now – it will last forever. Think, friend, of the alfresco Corona Bar at the top of the alps, where you sunk a few bevys and bee-lined it, blurry eyed, down the slopes, smiling because your boarding skills just went from zero to hero. Think of the first tracks you scored at Cortina, and how gliding over that pow was like living on clouds. Don’t think of the face towel… Think of the tree runs, how you got bogged in hip-deep snow and were alone in the woods, but at least you would die smiling because the snow that day was sparkling. Think of the vending machines which popped out HOT Hot Chocolates. Oh wow. Think of all the money you saved by going to Hakuba and having the time of your life.

These are the glory days, people, of carving lines and transcending fines. In the distant mountains of a remote Japanese town, heavily powdered slopes await your arrival.

5

NEWS

Love & Relationships Help from the Love Professor

Love Professor, I don’t enjoy sex. In both hookups and relationships, there’s no pleasure in it for me, just some kind of release. Is there something wrong with me?

Worried Release

Get your advice at http://LoveProfessor.sarahah.com/

There’s plenty of different reasons that you could be feeling like this, Worried.

None of them mean that anything’s wrong with you.

You might just have a lower sex drive than other people. It’s perfectly natural. Despite writing this column, I myself don’t get that much out of sex.

I spent two decades having sex described as this monolithic, life changing event. Something that would split open the heavens so that God himself could finally recognise me as A Man. Turns out that sex is a tonne of fun, but in all honesty you could switch “sex” and “rollercoasters” in my life and

probably get the same effect.

It’s also possible that you’re asexual.

Asexuality is an orientation characterised by the lack of sexual attractions towards others. Even if you do feel a desire for sex or a release during the act, asexuality is a spectrum and it could still be a relevant term for you. Exploring your sexuality is worth the time and mental energy, and I’d recommend talking to the UQU Queer Collective or Gender and Sexuality Vice President Nicholas Comino.

- Love Professor

Just the Tips

The Love Professor’s Guide to Being Dateable

I’ve gotten more letters than I can count which are all basically the same. “I want to date, but I don’t want to put any effort in”. Sure they don’t phrase it like that, but that’s the gist.

Put it this way, reader, last week I had a job interview with a Fortune 500 company. I was nervous, so I smoked a cone — that way, when I rocked up they would barely be able to smell my B.O. over the weed. Even though I wore my lucky crocs, the bastards didn’t give me the job. Would you?

Gather around, students, because the Love Professor is about to blow your mind. Every day you’re in that interview, and every day you’re the smelly stoner in crocs. So let’s get pragmatic and talk about How To Make Yourself Dateable™.

These tips should complement your personality and help you leave your comfort zone. They shouldn’t replace your personality. Who you are is good and worth knowing, this article is all about helping other people to realise that.

Take pride in your appearance Like it or lump it, how you present yourself is going to change how you’re perceived — so put some effort in. You don’t have to empty your savings account, but take some time to develop a style that makes you feel good and look good. No matter who you are, learn about fashion concepts like layering and makeup. Pair a killer outfit with good grooming and a signature scent and people will take notice. When I ditched my neckbeard and cargo shorts in favour of v-necks and cologne, I started to feel better. People started complimenting me, which in turn made me grow three feet taller and my chest hair grew thick and coarse. Needless to say, my dating success more than tripled.

Get yourself out there As a younger man, my love life was pretty dismal. I would also spend all day every day sitting in my room, doing things covered in last edition of Semper. It took me a long time to connect the dots. If you want dates, you have to get yourself out

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there. Dating apps are a great start, but I’ve had the most success meeting people in UQ Clubs and Societies. Don’t just hit on everyone you meet, but try to form genuine connections. Take an interest in other people. Even if you don’t find the love of your life right away, friends are just as valuable in the long haul. Which reminds me, I owe a big shoutout to everyone I’ve met in C&S, and big ups to the boys down at Runcorn 4113.

Be your best self Who you are isn’t static. You’re going to behave differently around your tutors compared to your best friend. Look at all of your different selves and figure out which one you really want to be. The version of myself who used to make mean jokes was lonely and unhappy, so I stopped doing that and I’ve been better off since. Identity is a big and complex journey. But starting that journey is important not just for your dating life, but for your own personal growth.

Art: Ruby Green

SEMPER

Something Is Missing From UQ Bathrooms THE SAME ANONYMOUS CONTRIBUTOR AS LAST EDITION You feel a pain in your lower abdomen. At first you think it might have been the suspicious curry you ate. You’re stuck between classes so you duck into the nearest bathroom.

Surprise! Your period has started. Fuck.

I’ve experienced this, several times.

Of course not everyone who is a woman has a period, and not everyone who has a period is a woman.

But I can’t explain why UQ doesn’t have menstrual product dispensers in the bathrooms. They were invented in the 1920s, for fuck’s sake. Student health should be a priority for the university. We need them in the bathrooms for everyone’s well-being. Installing vending machines with pads and tampons should have happened a long time ago. In the meantime, these are your options.

Rely on a Good Samaritan Many a time I have, in a desperate scramble, asked a stranger for a pad or tampon, and it’s a great relief to know that they’ve got your back. While this doesn’t always yield results, an emergency is an emergency.

Sometimes you won’t get a chance to meet your sanitary Samaritan. Yes, some bathrooms have a plastic box near the sinks, containing sanitary items. These were created by the people behind the The Take One or Give One Campaign. If you haven’t heard of this great organisation, check them out on Facebook, where they have posted a list of every one of their locations on the St Lucia campus. They would be glad to have more contributors to the boxes.

The only drawback of these options is that they rely on the people around you. Sometimes strangers can’t help you.

Sometimes those boxes are empty. Sometimes you’re just out of luck.

Leave the Bathroom I never want to do this when I’m on my period and caught unawares. Especially if my clothes have been compromised.

If you must make a mad dash, you can look for one of the few vending machines dispensing pads and tampons outside of the bathrooms (like in Duhig). Or you can check the uqu offices or the women’s room where there are bowels of menstrual products.

Or, you can walk to the Pharmacy on campus, which is only open Monday to Friday from 8am to 6pm. You’re out of luck if you’re there on a weekend or late at night. Plus, the issue with visiting the Pharmacy or using the vending machines is that they don’t offer single pads or tampons. I don’t always want to buy a whole pack and then have to think about where I’ll put the rest. Depending where you are on campus, you might as well bus to IGA, where they’re much cheaper. Unfortunately, these options all involve leaving the bathroom.

None of these are immediate fixes.

Right now, you’re in the bathroom, and you need a solution immediately. Many public bathrooms include vending machines that will dispense single pads or tampons.

So why aren’t they on campus?

Gay Men Love Their Boxes FLETCHER QUILTY - Queer Issues Contributor If you’re a human, you almost certainly like boxes. Even in the queer community this is the case. Humans have a natural propensity to label, identify, and categorise. Not just things, or acts, but people. We are compelled to define people by their sexuality, their ethnicity, or even their preferred footy team.

Before realising I was queer, I felt an oppressive fog of confusion. I didn’t fit into any of the mainstream boxes. I was neither a die-hard Maroons fan nor a blue-bleeding Cockroach supporter. Like other queer people, I felt isolated until I met the queer community, which in some ways is just one big box.

Once upon a time, the diverse queer community was publicly represented by just four letters: L,G,B, and T.

In my lifetime, the queer community has grown to accommodate and appreciate so many different lifestyles, even in the face of ignorant jokes about our ever-lengthening acronym.

Admittedly, I can only speak for the Gs, but I know many gay men opt to view each other by genre: bear, twink, hunk, otter, jock, daddy, etc.

I don’t fit into any of those boxes. And sometimes that makes me feel like the fog from my younger years is coming back.

It’s a curious thing to feel isolated in a community that objectively has a great deal in common with you. I’m hard to define. I’m not a hunky jock, or a cute twink. Even in Carden (UQ’s queer space) there’s a sense of isolation. I’m arty and bald and kind of odd, yet somehow charismatic and personable despite my differences from those around me. I don’t want to be pigeonholed. I don’t want to be restricted by the expectations of others. But I’m haunted by the disconnect between what I am and what I should be.

Balancing self-identity with community identity is difficult.

Sometimes being yourself means that you might never fit in, and maybe you never should.

What I’m trying to say here is that boxes are useful for finding our communities, but trying to box ourselves in any further can hurt when there aren’t any smaller boxes to fit into. There comes a time where we all have to be comfortable with the box we’re in.

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Start here

Pizza Caffe

Coffee Time!

Where to now?

or Red Room

It’s lunch time!

Where are you headin

I pr e med fer pres crip icat ion tion

Merlo

UberEats

Copy off a mate

What’s your drink of choice?

Goon, always Whatever’s on the tab at this launch event I went to for ‘networking purposes’

Do you have an L Card? ah

Ye

Why?

N

ah

I was accosted on market day

I’m a soulless major party recruitment machine

College K Stupol Hack

First Year

You got me

You’re clearly not the average punter who goes to Physiol, mate.

The UQU President

Physiol

! ding?

Who is Jeremy Lwin?

Some dropkick

An assignment is due tomorrow.

What do you do?

Pay a tutor to do it

How do you get to Uni?

Drop the course I don’t go

Does anyone care about your thoughts on political correctness?

I just wish the 45yo in my lecture would shut up

Kid

Of course! I speak about them at length in all tutes and lectures.

Mature-aged student

I drive Dad’s BMW

Why not?

I can just watch the lecture in SWOTVAC

I was at a Republic Club event

GPS Kid Truant

PUZZLES

Cryptic Crossword Authored by J.E.

ACROSS 1. You chasing a promotion that is saying goodbye (5) 4. As is, we follow Batman and Robin, diligently. (9) 9. This auto purrs, crashes and then is carried away. (9) 10. Who is left when doubter leaves in a monotone? (2-3) 11. Quail and ibis ride knocked off balance. (13) 14. Measure, extremely just (4) 15. A wow of a healing when lave wave hits Elf Tim (5,5) 19. Befuddled, a granny eon aged. (10) 20. The second you lose the beat. (4) 22. Insignia trait blooms in Morocco (4,9) 25. Losing one against charging a fee for feeding. (5) 26. How much is in store when scared by vampires perhaps.

(9)

Easier Clues 1. Goodbye (5) 4. Diligently. (9) 9. Carried away with joy. (9) 10. Not any person? (2-3) 11. Knocked off balance. (13) 14. Just (4) 15. World of Warcraft healing spell (5,5) 19. One who is Ninety years old (10) 20. Greek letter (4) 22. Moroccan flower (4,9) 25. Charge a fee for feeding stock on farm land (5) 26. Hard Drive storage (9) 28. Male companion (9) 29. A demon. (5) DOWN 1. Shorten a piece of work. (10) 2. A little demon (3)

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28. Yob finder found male companion (9) 29. Gee! Most should see a demon. (5) DOWN 1. Gossip is, Abe Ridge meant to shorten the work. (10) 2. The result of a little 28(a) without a left leg. (3) 3. On the map. Start at home. Have a rum and one chaser.

End up in China? (6) 4. Not allowed to struggle to obtain oil. (9) 5. Suspicious greeting served cold with acetic acid. (5) 6. Found playing Bridge, low card and ruff. Scratch head, what next? (8) 7. On or about, O’Neil the philosopher (5) 8. Four directions to find one of a Spermologist’s favourite topic. (4) 12. Sara now has fibre for packing. (5) 13. At the foot of the foot. (10) 16. Found either by roads or an ancient biblical staff. (6,3) 17. Abe may return with protozoa. (5) 18. Silver junk still sparkles (8) 21. Song pouch used in case of accident. (3,3) 22. Cold facts, 99 then 49 then unknown. (5) 23. Put it in the portion. (5) 24. She’s wired. (4) 27. Not too many to choose from, it’s neither of those but both. (3)

Bring a completed copy of this crossword to the Semper office, and enter the draw to win a $10 UQU voucher!

The same crossword made simpler.

3. City in China? (6) 4. No longer allowed (9) 5. Japanese cuisine (5) 6. Scalp problem (8) 7. Given Name of Baroness O’Neil the philosopher (5) 8. Subjects for Spermologists. (4) 12. Fibre for packing. (5) 13. Bone type in the foot (10) 16. Ancient biblical staff. (6,3) 17. Protozoa. (5) 18. Sparkle (8) 21. Safety Device. (3,3) 22. Coldly (5) 23. Portion of crop (5) 24. Shortened form of woman’s name (4) 27. A pair (3)

Edition 4 Solution: ACROSS: 1. akimbo 4. athletic 10. education 11. gamin 12. rotunda 13. aileron 15. prepping 18. dichroic 20. imago 23. bacilli 25. society 26. oasis 27. gallabiya 28. bird’s-eye 29.

Hannah DOWN: 1. aberrant 2. Iquitos 3. brainwash 5.

Tintagel Castle 6. legal 7. tamarin 8. canine 9. disapprovingly 16. poinciana 17. polymath 19. incisor 21. abelian 22. absorb 24. lists

SEMPER

Sudoku

Hard

Easy

Quick Tips For Slackers BILL JOHNSTON A guy who walked into the Semper office with a column idea.

Are you a fan of affogatos? Why not try affogato on a stick! Buy a Chocolate Coated Ice Block and stick it straight in your hot coffee when the barista hands it to you.

The Hartley Tickle All the gossip from local socialites, Phoebe and Leslie, submitted to the editor before Law Ball Well well well. Here we are yet again, another week and another onslaught of UQ gossip. Once again the BNOCs on campus have made us all proud to be a part of this great institution. Pub crawl season has truly kicked been kicked off as the rivalry between clubs to grab the clubbie for littest pubcrawl heats up.

Bar Wars kicked off the season at the Vic where students were delighted to get their boggy on. EdSoc President Hannah Dawe was seen trying out her teaching skills on unsuspecting patrons. “You see, drunk people are just the same as 6 year olds, they have no attention span, yell at every inconvenience, and cry when the pretty girl won’t go out with them.” The jury is still out to whether this is conducive to a fun pub crawl experience.

UQLS and UQES have also put in a strong bid for Pub Crawl for 2018, submitting a five venue crawl with no lunch to guarantee full litification of all attendees. Previous BNOC, Imogen Inglis was

seen in fighting form, reports are in that she only told 75% of attendees that she was the UQLS socials last year. “Did you know I won as Clubbie award for best social convener two years ago? Do you know who I am?!” she was quoted as saying while holding her real life Clubbie award. Hot gossip is in as to why UQLS president Sangeetha wasn’t at the pubcrawl, sources spill that she had locked up the UQ Jessup delegation in full gulag form to ensure a victory for UQ. Of course we cannot forget the glory that was Brumball in the Jungle! Everybody was truly in fighting form, metaphorically and physically. Fists went flying as UQ Union VP of Home Wrecking Paige Howard was sent flying after trying to literally dismantle a home brick by brick. “She can’t just destroy homes like this, it’s inefficient and harmful to the structural integrity of the building” sources say.

That’s it for this week folks! Make sure ya’ll keep doing this university proud.

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UNION

President’s Report Jeremy Lwin - Focus

Well it’s week 8 and the semester is moving full force forward. I hope that all of you have been [FOCUSED] on your midsems, just as we are continuing to [FOCUS] on bringing loads of new and exciting activities to campus in the coming months - Cultural Fiesta, Eurovision, Clubs Exchange - this year’s calendar is set to be jam-packed with events like no other.

Kicking things off we have the Cultural Fiesta on the 1st of May, celebrating UQ’s vibrant student community at the Forgan front lawn. With over 40 societies from every corner of the globe taking part, you’ll be sure to find something that sizzles you nizzle. Food, music, entertainment - if you need to cool down from the sizzling exam heat, this is the place to go.

For those of us who are more musically inclined, UQU is once again hosting the annual UQ Eurovision viewing party on the 13th of May. Come along and watch our european societies go head to head, with Slavsoc, Yacht Club, UQ Hellenic Society, UQ French Society, UQ Irish Society, UQ Thongs Society, and UQ German Club all vying to be crowned winner.

And to top it all off, prepare your livers for clubs exchange on the 2nd of May - the biggest collaboration event of student societies in Australia.

As the only student team [FOCUSED] on improving the student experience, we are proud to announce our 2018 venture into UQU eSports with the introduction of a student gaming lab.

We will be collaborating very closely with various international and general interest societies so that we can develop professional eSports teams and dethrone QUT as the true University for the Real World. Pack your Doritos and Mountain Dew and be ready to explore a space catered to

casual and pro gamers alike.

[FOCUS] for UQU is continuing to uphold its promise to fight for real student issues, as our #BetterBussesNow Campaign goes into full swing. Many of you are painfully aware of the overcrowding while waiting for the 66 and 412.

Lines snaking well beyond the bus bay compounded with ludicrous wait times have led to many students having to find alternate routes at extra cost. I personally have spoken to the Vice Chancellor about the issue, and the University will be working closely with us in the coming weeks. We will also be continuing to spearhead our campaign to gather signatures for a petition we will be delivering to the Minister for Transport at the end of the semester. So, help us help you and be sure to sign your support in the petition, conveniently found on the UQU website and Facebook page.

You also may have read in Semper that the University will be demolishing the Union Complex in favour of a currently unspecified building. This is going to be a tumultuous period for us as an organisation, and will require proper management lest we risk a considerable loss to student spaces and amenities. A recurring theme in the current build plan is a massive reduction in engagement space for student activities.

I am happy to note that with our continuous lobbying, the University has principally acknowledged that we as students cannot continually fight with teaching space management for room bookings, and we will be working with the University to resolve this. I will keep yoy all updated as we continue with negotiations.

That’s all for now. Looking forward to my next unexpected visitor making use of my open door policy.

- JL

Opposition Leader’s Report Duncan Hart - Student Action

Solidarity. It’s a word that is the bedrock of unionism, but not many understand its full significance. Over the last few months, the UQ Union has shown solidarity to a range of causes following on from initiatives taken by Student Action.

In March, the Union voted to change the name of the Aung San Suu Kyi Conference Centre, which houses the Heath and Holt rooms. The Rohingyan people of Myanmar have suffered ethnic cleansing on a huge scale and hundreds of thousands have been dispossessed by the government of Suu Kyi. This decision to change the name is the first such decision to occur in Australia, though in other countries Suu Kyi has been stripped of honours and recognition that she earned as a figure of the democracy movement in Myanmar prior to her accession to power.

The UQ Union also decided to pass a motion of solidarity with the workers at the XXXX Brewery in Milton, who are waging a campaign to resist casualization and out-sourcing of their jobs.

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For those of us on the left, we understand solidarity to mean not just a moral commitment to causes that do not directly impact us as students, which is the case with both of these examples. Rather, solidarity is about the ability of organisations and people to understand the connections that their own interests and struggles have with the interests and struggle of others.

It is in this sense that student unionists can appreciate that when workers fight for the right to jobs with dignity and security, we can see that this not only relates to the working conditions of students, but also it mirrors our own struggle for an education system where the needs of students and society at large are not subjected entirely to the accumulation of profit. Likewise, the demands of the Rohingya for life and liberty are not demands unique to the Rohingya, but demands that ring true for all people and which we all have a responsibility to uphold.

SEMPER

No Shame For UQ’s Chemical Company Donor ROWAN EVANS - Editor in Chief The UQ Administration will not face opposition from the Union for naming a building after the CEO of a chemical corporation Dow Chemical Company is one of many corporations that manufactured Agent Orange for the United States Government during the Vietnam War. During the war, Agent Orange was used to destroy the Vietnamese jungle to aid American troops in combat, but also quite heinously used to destroy crops grown for civilians.

Since 2004, the Dow Chemical Company has had UQ Alum, Andrew N Liveris as its CEO. Last week, the Uni Administration announced that as part of its ‘Not if, When’ campaign, Mr Liveris had donated $40 million to the University.

In exchange, the University is building the Andrew N Liveris Building, an 11-storey building for engineering students at UQ. The Andrew N Liveris Building will also house the Liveris Academy, which a UQ press release says “will identify promising students with leadership potential and a passion to address sustainability issues involving clean water, safe food and modern energy services.”

Last Tuesday night, Opposition Leader Duncan Hart presented to Union Council a motion to condemn the new building being named after Mr Liveris.

Cr Hart said that the history of the Dow Chemical Company are completely at odds with the stated aims of the building.

The motion was rebutted by former UQU Councillor, current Director of Union Governance and Founding Member of the Independent Clubs and Societies Review Committee, Zachary Thomas.

Councillors voted to close debate after Director Thomas’s speech, and then voted down the motion.

In an open letter addressed to UQ and posted online before Council, Cr Hart explained that the Dow Chemical Company “has a record of ethically reprehensible and environmentally destructive practices that contradicts this stated intention.”

The open letter condemns the Dow organisation, saying that “to this day, including under the management of Liveris, Dow refuses any responsibility for the effects of Agent Orange, even disputing the scientific evidence of its health impacts.”

“If this project were to go ahead, this building would be a monument to profits that Dow Chemicals made through atrocities,” the letter says.

Director Thomas maintained that Dow and Mr Liveris should not be treated as the same person.

“The CEO of a firm is not responsible for the wrongs that a firm committed 40 years before they were CEO,” Director Thomas told Semper after Council.

“It is impossible to achieve success in a globalist market without having some interaction with, directly or by partnership, an entity that at some point in time has been guilty or complicit in colonialism, exploitation or some other form of unethical practice.

“You are complicit in a similar vein of environmental exploitation if you consume fast food,” Dir Thomas said.

According to Director Thomas, the problem is largely to do with capitalism generally.

“In capitalist countries it’s not just the state that is mobilised in war time – private firms are contracted to the war effort as well,” Director Thomas said.

“And in a world of scarce resources, if you do not access those war contracts – ethical or not, you will be outcompeted.

“Another firm will take your place, and your conscientious objection achieved no meaningful lasting change.

“With all that being said, the Vietnam War happened a long time ago and Dow is today a different firm.

“Dow has invented packaging that avoids food spoiling, and invented crop protection chemicals that have meant hundreds of thousands of impoverished people around the globe no longer starve.

“Dow has invented desalinisation techniques and water filters to give fresh drinking water to areas of the globe that otherwise never had clean water,” he said.

The failed motion has not changed Cr Hart’s tune.

“If I had been able to respond, I would have said the $40 million would be better spent assisting the victims of Dow,” Cr Hart told Semper after the vote.

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COMEDY

St Lucia

Special Law Ball Edition

Speculator UQ’s other news source since 1933

UQLS Stages Practical Demonstration Of Job Market

Pictured: The sole bartender at UQLS Law Ball

In response to worrying reports that many Australian Law students hope to get jobs after graduation, the UQ Law Society has this weekend staged a practical demonstration of what the job market is like.

“You see, even though the name ‘Ball’ indicates that there will be free-flowing alcohol, it doesn’t mean that you will be able to get to the front of the queue very quickly,” a spokesperson for the Law society explained to the Speculator.

“The fact of the matter is that life is a lot like that.

“People might think this is a bitter pill to swallow now, but we really need to impress it upon them when they’re young that there is no hope in the legal career at all.

“In the real world, you spend a lot of time and effort just getting your foot in the door, and at the end of the day, you’re lucky not to be thrown out of the venue,” she said.

UQLS Proud To Announce 2019 Law Ball At Down Under Bar “Move over, Tom Tilley!” the UQLS Facebook page posted yesterday afternoon.

“We are proud to announce that after the success of Law Ball 2018, we’ll be going bigger and better next year!” the post continued.

“We will be visiting the Down Under Bar for a night of high-class fun.

“We can reveal thatDJ Yassmin Abdel-Magied will be hitting the decks all night.

“Early bird tickets are on sale NOW! at the low-low price of $150. This price WON’T last!!!”

‘ Did You Know? The L Card’ is widely considered by advertising experts to be the most efficient name of all time based on letters : information ratio.

‘Card’ tells the reader that it is a loyalty card.

‘The’ tells the reader that it is the only one of its type.

‘L’ tells the reader that Law Ball took the L this weekend.

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SPECULATOR

Opinion: Law Ball Money Could Have Been Used To Execute Arts Students Many column inches and Facebook statuses have been dedicated to the travesty that was the UQ Law Ball this weekend.

But I believe the real travesty in this instance is that law students have accepted a culture where more money is spent on alcohol than on properly policing arts students.

Too often I walk into the Law Library to find students openly(!) reading papers by leading philosophers or sociologists, few if any of them wearing RM Williams.

This culture could have ended this weekend if every law student had paid $125 towards executing arts students.

Sadly, when our Law Society found the funds to do this, they chose to poorly service five floors of a night club for one night, rather than properly service three floors of our Law Library forever.

Homeless Dude Outside Law Ball Had A Few Better Ideas For How To Spend $125 A man who currently sleeps rough in Fortitude Valley spoke to reporters outside Ei8ht on Saturday night to explain his ideas for better ways to spend the $125 it cost to buy a ticket.

“Look, I’ll be honest, most of the people who paid $125 to torture themselves by standing in a queue all night have no idea how much food that could have

bought,” he said.

“You easily could have had a better night by ducking down the kebab shop and buying Halal Snack Packs for you and the boys.

“Personally, though, I would have ducked into Maccas, because the lines there are incredibly quick.

“Though, in all honesty, I

probably would have opted to buy between one and five UQU Rewards cards.

“I know I can only use one Rewards Card per transaction, but I figure I should try to secure my market share before former L Card holders start buying rival cards this week, he explained.

UQ Student Affairs Congratulates UQLS On A Spectacular Event UQ Student Affairs has taken the bold step of announcing their intention to hold their own Clubs and Societies Awards after the UQLS Law Ball this weekend.

“We are just so impressed to see that there are Societies out there dedicated to changing the alcohol culture in young people,” a spokesperson for Student Affairs told reporters today.

“Too often we hear about events where students consume more than one standard drink per outing.

“In many of these cases, we suspect that students then attempt to fornicate with each other at the conclusion of the event.

“We are so glad that UQ Law Society has demonstrated that they are also passionate about

stopping students having fun,” the spokesperson said.

At press time, Student Affairs was considering creating new grad positions for the UQLS Exec.

“We have never met another group that better demonstrated our ethos of taking student money and burning it.”

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