Semper 2018: The Red Edition

Turnitin’s new software in the academic arms race / p. 5

The Love Professor’s Most Daring Column Yet / p. 6

UQ “Concerned” By Bronco’s Violent Rampage / p. 4

SEMPER

Edition 4, 2018. Since 1932. Free.

NEWS

Acknowledgement of Country Semper acknowledges the Turrbal and Jagera peoples as the traditional owners of the land on which this newspaper is created. We pay our respects to elders past and present.

Editor’s Note Contents

Our Team

If there’s one thing you should know about me, reader, it’s that I’m first and foremost a family man.

That’s why, last week, I was thrilled to see my parents and siblings for the first time since publishing the first three editions of Semper.

Feedback varied from “this looks like trash” from my older brother, to “why don’t you use white space like the Saturday paper?” from my dad.

I’m telling you this, reader, because I want you to understand why I’ve made a few aesthetic changes on our long reads this edition.

But that wasn’t the only feedback I had this week! Keen readers will remember that the back two pages of this publication are dedicated to the St Lucia Speculator, a satirical paper that makes light of campus life.

Last edition, those dastardly Speculator editors went a bit too hard on some campus organisations, and at least one of those groups didn’t realise that the Speculator is entirely made up. The Speculator editors don’t take up any column inches for editorials, so they asked me to convey to you, reader, that the works in that publication are works of fiction, and any resemblance to real people or events is strictly coincidental.

Semper, however, is not fictional, and this edition, I think, may have the most references to porn ever. Enjoy our most daring outing yet and let’s see if we get shut down!

-Rowan Evans

Editor in Chief Rowan Evans

Letters 3 News 4 Rainbow 6 Women’s 6 Sex 7 Tear-out Poster 8 Puzzles 10 Regulars 11 Union Pages 12 Comedy 14 Write for us!

Message the Semper Floreat facebook page, or drop into our new offices near the Red Room

Editors Alexander Asher, Oscar Green, Xander Hayward, Amelie Lonsdale, Richard Lawson, Morgan Pendergast, Kayla Reimann, Amy Sienkiewicz-Grob, Raphael Wixted Art Tessa Clarkson (cover), Ruby Green, Olivia Cameron, Google Images -> Tools -> Usage rights -> Labeled for reuse Printer Print on Demand, UQ St Lucia Publisher Semper is published by the UQ Union President, Jeremy Lwin, but he respects our editorial independence.

With Thanks Ebony Graveur submitted a great article and is always good for a chat, Jacob Kay brought me some food during the week, and I’ve gotta give big ups to all the boys down at Runcorn 4113 Disclaimer

The views expressed in this publication are the personal opinions of the authors. They do not necessarily reflect the views of the editor or the views of UQU. All articles are to be considered opinionative in nature. All articles remain the intellectual property of the authors.

ADVERTISE HERE Send your club or society event to the Semper facebook page and you could be in our next edition!

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SASS Pub Crawl - 29th April

SEMPER

Letters to the Editor Many of them of the online variety. Opinions are those of the writers.

Porn and Semper HARRY SPICER

It is a near universal observation in academic and intellectual circles to see the condemnation of the Murdoch papers, in particular the daily tabloids. These tabloids, it is argued, are a cancer to society - they thrive off scandal and misinformation, they regularly push legal boundaries, and are either defamatory, pornographic, or both. Very occasionally, you might find a thought provoking article in them.

So what ought to done with these papers - should they be regulated? Told to tell the truth! Should Mr Murdoch listen to his 87 year old heart and make them write proper articles, free of those toxic sensationalist tones? If he did, most normies wouldn’t bother to read his paper, it would be entirely circulated in intellectual circles, and have very little clout with broad society.

Some readers of Semper may have noticed that the paper has taken somewhat of a turn down the Murdoch path this year, with its “gossip column”, “love professor”, and ”Reports of people We Met at the RE”, as well as the introduction of my beloved “St Lucia Speculator”. Of course, many wouldn’t, because they never bothered to read last year’s paper, and it’s a sure bet 50% of you only bothered to read this article because it had the word porn in it.

But, it is important to remember this initial bounce, be it a headline or picture, is important in getting readers to relate to the issues in the newspaper. Of course, Semper still publishes serious journalistic pieces in it each week, which people will still read, and become more informed and better engaged with university life. It’s just they need a tease to get them to open the magazine.

So, Semper readers, what do you think? What do you want to see in your student newspaper? I suspect a great many of you (particularly the university staff) will disagree with the view presented here, and yearn for a Semper that is about the biggest ideas… but would you actually read it? Fuck it, I say, fill it up with porn, sex and scandal, profanity too, because at least that way your point will get through.

Want to get published?

You can reach the editors over Facebook, or by emailing semper@uqu.com.au.

Or, you can walk straight into our offices outside the Red Room.

Send us your stories, or just let us know your opinions on the latest edition.

On Crosswords

PROFESSOR GRAEME ORR

It’s good, in a daggy way, to come across a local crossword.

Doomben references and all.

I’m not looking for a prize. That would be barely ethical, given the number of poor students hungry for UQU’s fine cuisine.

But I enclose a solution, if only to show up your beery correspondent who said your crosswords were impossible.

Serious Apology ROWAN EVANS

In all the excitement of the previous edition, we didn’t properly thank Olivia Cameron for her artwork accompanying ‘Union Thanks You For Smoking’.

We wanted to take the opportunity to do so now.

Truth Not So Great ALASTAIR MacKENZIE

In response to “Truth Not So Great” by Hamish Greenop-Roberts, Edition 3 “Great is Truth, and mighty above all things.”

Esdras 4:41 (KJV) These words, from the King James Bible’s apocryphal books, are inscribed into Forgan Smith. It recounts an ancient Persian King’s question: “Which one thing is the strongest.” His answer: Truth.

Truth reflects its Author, the Governor of all things, from the smallest atom to the greatest stars. God who “founded the earth;” and “established the heavens.” Understanding the rational, orderly laws of which is the whole scientific endeavour.

The Multi-Faith chaplaincy, with varied student clubs, events and faithful of all nations who together use this service, models that great diverse unity seen in the Trin-... UQ campus culture.

Through volunteer chaplains, vital spiritual counsel, companionship and (especially for me, so prone to wander) gentle rebuke is provided for those students not living on bread (beer and grades) alone.

Before erasing this part of campus culture, I invite our secularist crusader to journey to UQ’s well-hidden [multi-faith] Zion and attend a Uni Bible Talk or have a chat and coffee with a chaplain or student so inclined. At the least that scripture quotes might become more recognisable!

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NEWS

“Concerned” UQ is stuck in a bad relationship with the Broncos after a player is charged with domestic violence.

MORGAN PENDERGAST Editor for Student/Administration Relations With art by Tessa Clarkson UQ appeared in the media this week responding to reports of a star Bronco player having committed a string of violent attacks.

If you’re not a sports fan, you might have missed the scoop.

News media have spent most of this month divulging detail after detail of violent crimes committed by Matthew Lodge, who signed with the Broncos at the start of this season.

UQ has a strategic partnership with the Broncos. According to a 2015 press release, that means the football team gives internships to our PhD students, facilitates pracs for our undergrads, and participates in “joint research activities” with us.

And, apparently, it has some implications about what the University will and won’t say about the Broncos in the media.

In response to details of Lodge’s domestic violence and drunken rampage, our Vice Chancellor, Professor Peter Høj told the ABC “We have zero tolerance of any disrespect for the rights of the individual and we are concerned about the behaviour as we understand it.”

“As a sponsor, UQ has expressed this concern in writing to the Broncos and has sought assurances that they too have zero tolerance for such behaviour,” he said.

In other words, the UQ administration sent a letter to express “concern” about a man beating his girlfriend, and in a separate incident, breaking into a house and beating a stranger.

Imagine, dear reader, that you are nine years old again.

You wake up in your childhood bedroom at 4am when the doorbell rings. Into your home barges a drunken man, twice the size of your father.

He locks your dad out of the house. Your little nine-yearold self and your mother are trapped inside with this hulking intruder who starts senselessly tearing the place to pieces.

This is the horror story that Henry Fowler found himself in on the morning of October 16, 2015, and very likely will find himself in every time

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he tries to sleep at night for the rest of his life.

And it’s this horror story about which our administration has written to the Broncos “expressing concerns”.

It remains unclear at this point which part of this nightmare Professor Høj is describing as a “disrespect for the rights of the individual”. It could be the part where Lodge grabbed Henry’s dad in a headlock and punched him several times. Or perhaps it was the part where he trashed the house and tried to break into the bathroom where Henry and his mother were cowering in fear. Maybe instead it was the bit where he told a German tourist on the street that she was “going to die tonight”, prompting her to ring young Henry’s doorbell in the first place.

But whether they are talking about this incident, or the separate domestic violence incident, what is clear is that UQ has at least sent a letter expressing their concerns.

At the time of printing, UQ has not announced any changes to their partnership with the Broncos. After all, they did give the Broncos the chance to clarify that they also have zero tolerance for “disrespect for the rights of the individual”.

Semper has no idea how the Broncos could possibly demonstrate to UQ that they have such a zero tolerance policy while keeping Lodge on the team. But we’re assuming that the response went along the lines of: “Well, at least when Henry was cowering in the bathroom, and told Lodge, quote: ‘I’m too young to die’, Lodge did respect his rights and did not actually kill him.”

SEMPER

UQ Steps Up War On Cheaters How the University is joining forces with Turnitin to fight contract cheating ROWAN EVANS - Editor in Chief Turnitin has announced a major new functionality in their software suite that uses computers to check whether a student is the actual author of their work.

If you’ve never submitted an assignment before, then first of all, may God help your GPA. Secondly, let me explain Turnitin. UQ contracts a third-party platform to handle all electronic submission, and in return that platform checks our assignments against every document in existence in an attempt to detect plagiarism.

As students, we have agreed to this process. Although there’s always a little anxiety about getting summarily executed for using a phrase that’s a little too common, most of us don’t lose any sleep over our Similarity scores.

But Turnitin is now stepping up their game. They’re not just checking the words you use, they’ve started looking at commas and dashes too.

Why? They say that “How an author uses spaces, dashes, and slashes is habitual and unlikely to change between documents” (Turnitin, 2018).

And in bad news for cheaters and the chronically anxious, the University of Queensland logo is among those adorning Turnitin’s announcement of this new software.

They’re not just checking the words you use. They’ve started looking at your commas and dashes too.

Even the most innocent reader has probably started to formulate possible ways to get around this system by now.

“What if I just ask the same person to write all my essays?” was a common question among Semper editors when I shared the news with them. “What about people who need to work with a mentor?” was another. And then there was the ever popular “What if I just want to improve my writing style?”

We took all these questions and more straight to the man on campus who we suspect knows more than anyone else about computers that read: Dr Daniel Angus.

Doctor Dan Angus is a legendary figure in UQ’s School of Communication and Arts, as well as a key contributor to Communications research worldwide. His biggest contribution to the field is Discursis, a “computer-based tool for analysing human communication” (Discursis.com, 2018).

In other words, Dan also builds computer programs that know how to read text.

His take? All this scary stuff is actually great news for the average student.

“The people who get caught here are the people who are cheating you,” Dr Angus told Semper.

“I can empathise with students who don’t like that other students are getting away with this,” he said.

And in fact, this might be one situation where the UQ Bureaucracy™ works to a student’s advantage. Doctor Angus explained that even after the process is automated, claims would still have to go through integrity committees.

“The process would never prosecute a student to the full extent if it was a false positive,” he said.

“Students just have to know their appeals process; I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but I can’t think of any case where a student would have claimed a false positive was [completely] prosecuted,” he said.

So, there you have it! You don’t need to worry about that grammar course dramatically changing your writing style between assignments — just remember to keep your receipts for the committee.

Dr Angus also encouraged students not to worry about getting the help they need to improve.

“We often have students that perhaps don’t have the strongest command of English, and we’re constantly coming up with better learning opportunities for them as well,” he said.

“Those students need to know that help is available, whether that be through Student Services or the library.

“I would also encourage international students to get involved with Clubs and Societies so they can immerse themselves in university culture and in English-speaking communities,” he said.

And if you’re reading this as a humble cheater, Dr Angus has advice for you too.

“Students just need to reflect on the reasons they are at university,” Dr Angus said.

“You want to have good learning experiences, and you aren’t going to have good learning experiences if you pay someone to write an assignment for you.

“You might successfully cheat at university, but you won’t have the skills you require in the workplace.

“You’re just kicking the can down the road, and if you’re not found out here, you’ll just be found out later on, when you’re in the workforce,” he said.

Works Cited Angus, D (2018). [Interview] Discursis.com (2018). Available: http://www.discursis.com/ Turnitin, LLC (2018). Interpreting the Authorship Report. Available: https://guides. turnitin.com/01_Manuals_and_Guides/Authorship_Investigation/03_Investigator/02_The_Authorship_Investigation_Report/03_Interpreting_ the_Authorship_Report

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NEWS

Love & Relationships Help from the Love Professor Love Professor, What are the positives and negatives of leaving sex until after marriage? Have you ever considered it for yourself?

- A FUNNY NAME I have considered it, FUNNY! I grew up in a fairly conservative town, so “no premarital sex” was a pretty commonly held attitude. Ultimately I decided it wasn’t the route for me, but I can definitely see why for some people it is. Let’s break down some pros and cons.

Get your advice at http://LoveProfessor.sarahah.com/

Religious arguments aside, there’s a lot to be said for the concept of intimacy. The closeness shared by two people. Sex is a superb way to engage in this intimacy, but it’s far from the only way. By building this intimacy for a few years before engaging in any carnal acts, you can ensure that it’s built on a mutual love and trust, rather than lust.

On the other hand, sex and trust aren’t mutually exclusive. Many people will explore their trust of each other through sex.

Sex can build chemistry between two people, and is honestly just a tonne of fun. The

first person I had sex with was a friend, and while we’ve never dated it ultimately brought us closer together.

I’m polyamorous, so most (if not all) of my relationships are never going to end with marriage. Avoiding pre-marital sex doesn’t make sense for my lifestyle, but maybe it’s the perfect fit for yours.

What do you think? Send in your thoughts on premarital sex to our Facebook page and you might get featured in the next Letters To The Editor - Love Professor

Just the Tips

The Love Professor’s Guide to Masturbation

I spend a lot of my time telling you how to share pleasure in the bedroom with others, but today let’s look at something just as important - pleasuring yourself. There’s a lot that goes into it. Everything from emotional preparation to location to aftercare, it’s important to put some thought in it. When I was a teen, right on the cusp of exploring everything my own sexuality had to offer, my bedroom shared a door with my parents’ room. My only option was to do my business on the bathroom floor, but it’s been almost a decade since then and I’ve become quite the expert.

Webster’s Dictionary defines masturbation as “the self-stimulation of genitals for the purpose of sexual pleasure”. As a society, we treat this as a wholly shameful act. Something to be whispered about and completed quickly and quietly. Even while I’ve been writing this article, my coworkers have been giggling at the headline. It doesn’t need to be like that. We’re grown ups, and it’s okay for us to talk about self pleasure. This advice is broadly applicable to people of any gender and physical makeup.

Buy some sex toys. A little money goes a long way. Go to a sex shop and see if any of their toys strike your fancy. I bought my first butt plug on a whim while visiting a sex shop in the city. I was certainly nervous to buy it, but once I got it out of the packaging, I was pleasantly surprised by how effective it was. (Before got it out of the packaging, though, it was quite a rough experience.) After experiencing the more satisfying orgasm it provided, I found myself exploring and experimenting with everything from larger plugs to vibrating toys I ordered online. Buying online is a good budget way start your collection, which is why LoveHoney.com offers 20% off all sex toys for university students.

Look into paid porn. Most of us are going to use some sort of porn to get ourselves off. While free porn sites offer a staggering amount of content, the quality can be not-so-great.

If you have a niche interest it’s even harder to track down the perfect story or video. I’ve always been a sucker for the real

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estate agents, but most of the time free sites just don’t cut it.

When you’re using free porn you get the same handful of jumpy 240p highlight clips. If you pay for it you get bigger catalogues of HD videos, fully uncut to show the complete story of a down on their luck real estate agent using out of the box thinking to sell property.

Premium pornography and erotica aren’t always cheap but they’re not all bank-breaking. The most popular subscriptions I’ve seen will cost you $9.99 a month. That’s less than I pay for my Netflix account, and I use that just as much as porn. If that’s still too much, most major networks have significant discount codes which you can find with a Google search. Plenty of independent artists offer their videos at a much lower price.

Learn some new techniques. If toys and porn aren’t for you, there’s techniques that you can do with just your hands and your imagination.

Let’s look at “edging”. Next time you’re masturbating, when you feel yourself getting closer and closer to the sweet climax, right as you’re about to cross the point of no return - stop. Seriously, take your hands away. Stop. You’re gonna feel frustrated, but take a break and give it another go. When you finally do orgasm, the sweet and sour combination of delight and denial will leave you with a blend of flavours so unique and powerful it’ll blow you away. Edge once or twice or ten times. I’ve used this to drag out a masturbation session for over an hour and turn it into a truly sensual solo experience.

Edging is just one of a million different techniques people have come up with. Take some time, go online, and see what you can find. I recommend “perineum massage” as a fun starting point. Be adventurous, but be safe. Sometimes something that feels fantastic can cause permanent dysfunction, so before you try anything do your research and make sure that it won’t harm you in any way.

Hope you have a good wank!

- Love Professor

SEMPER

Getting Off With A Vulva ANONYMOUS CONTRIBUTOR Masturbation is a wonderful thing, it can relieve stress, create positive hormones and of course, pleasure. But! If you’ve got a vulva or a vagina, self-pleasure can be trickier.

A lack of education surrounds the vulva and vagina and can make masturbation a daunting process. For more general masturbation advice check out the Love Professor’s column this week.

The first confusion many people experience is anatomy.

Plenty of misinformation is spread about the vulva/vagina, so don’t worry if this is new. For a start the vagina refers to the internal part of the genitalia, where the g-spot is located.

The g-spot can be found by gently inserting a finger into the vagina and feeling the top of vaginal walls. The clitoris is located on the external part of the vagina, known as the vulva. The clitoris if unique to every person and can be located close or far away from the vaginal opening. I would suggest cupping a hand over the vulva and lightly applying pressure. Then you can begin narrowing down where the clit is by simply feeling around. Sit in front of a mirror to get a better picture. This is all in the name of fun, and this is a great way to explore and discover new things about your

body.

Another factor in this is a thing called “arousal nonconcordance”. In a study conducted on cis men and cis women it was found that about half of cis men get turned on physically and mentally at the same time, for cis women it only lined up 10% of the time. What this means is that arousal can be happening up here, but not down there, if you catch my drift. Feeling safe can help aid physical arousal, so whatever works to help you relax. This also means that if it doesn’t work straight away, don’t stress. This is the perfect time to ease yourself into masturbation by gently fingering around the vaginal opening or palming the clitoris can work, or even introducing a toy slowly. If nothing else, lube is your friend.

Sometimes no matter what you do, you might not be in the mood, or you might be feeling too tense, or any number of reasons that might prevent you from achieving an orgasm.

It’s can feel very vulnerable and scary. It’s okay to be disappointed, sad or confused, just remember everybody is different, and you are not broken.

Trans Day of Visibility AMELIE LONSDALE - Queer Issues Editor So Transgender Day of Visibility is coming up on the 31st of March, a day to mark the achievements and struggles of trans people across the world. For the event, I did a video interview with UQ Workplace Diversity and Inclusion. However, I’m way too self-aggrandizing to share 90 seconds of camera time with 3 other people, so I’m going to answer the same questions here. Now our readers get to have the full Amélie experience.

Enjoy!

What are your experiences of being trans in Australia/at UQ? This needs to be broken up a bit because it has it has two very different answers. UQ is the only public space I can feel comfortable walking around in. Assholes are still around, but the overall atmosphere is an accepting one. Almost all of my closest friends are people I met here, and when I came out to them as a woman, I had no worries at all about how they’d react, because I knew they’re loving, supportive people. UQ is definitely a good place to be trans.

As for Australia on the whole, well, a lot of work still needs to be done. I still get to be called a f*ggot or a tr*nny walking down the street every now and then. The government won’t legally recognise my gender until I spend about $20,000 (double my current annual income) on gender affirming surgery. It’s still pretty damn difficult to get a job while you’re trans here.

Also, outside of UQ, Brisbane has about 0 safe spaces for trans people. The closest is The Beat and, given all the drag advertising and predatory old men, it’s pretty impossible to feel safe there as a trans woman.

What is one message you would like to give to cisgender people on how they can be more inclusive of gender diversity?

I’ve got more than one message. It’s my column after all.

Firstly: Shut the fuck up. I don’t want to hear your opinions on trans people or my transness, or how I look or anything else like that. Secondly, quit staring at us on the street. We see that shit; you’re not as slick as you think you are. Thirdly, if you wanna be an ally then the best thing you can do is call out your cis friends and family next time they say some transphobic shit.

If you can’t do that, then you can be an ally by giving me $100 for new Converse shoes. Fourthly, if you have a problem with any of this then fuck off. And don’t forget to brush your teeth after you’re done eating shit.

What does transgender day of visibility mean to you?

Personally, I don’t get it. I’m a 6’5” woman with broad shoulders and patchy facial hair: I’m already pretty damn visible. I’d rather have a transgender day of invisibility where I can live without bracing myself to be abused or insulted at any moment. Let’s have Transgender Day of Leave Me Alone, or maybe Cisgender Day of Minding Your Own Damn Business.

I’m (mostly) joking of course. To me, it’s a day to step back and be proud of all the things you’ve accomplished. For some of us, that just means we survived another year despite all the bullshit that gets flung at us from society. Others of us can celebrate pushing against that tide to make a positive difference in the world. Either way it’s trans people’s day to be proud of ourselves for all we’ve done, and cis people’s day to acknowledge our existence and respect us as people. Hopefully in the future this is how it’ll be every day.

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r C us h R e a r u o Y ds

Semper

PUZZLES

Cryptic Crossword Authored by J.E.

26. Sanctuary is the basis of the second of the boys replacing the first. (5) 27. A bag, a lily, a gown for African man. (9) 28. Type of vegetables seen by drone. (5-3) 29. Anyway, she’s a favourite especially here in 10a - 25a (6) DOWN

ACROSS 1. Kim attacks boa with hands on hips. (6) 4. Sporty when it entered the chalet. (8) 10. Auctioned, reformed and found here in its higher state.

(9) 11. Magi turn to the north and find a street urchin (5) 12. Plump? A domed building! (7) 13. I hear it controls plain or alien craft (7) 14. In choppy north seas, bobs young Ms Redgrave (5) 15. Quietly representing while making ready. (8) 18. A variegated orchid, I see. (8) 20. Foreign friend of an adult worker perhaps (5) 23. First book missing from biblical germs (7) 25. Reference found stirred in saucy group (7)

Easier Clues ACROSS 1. Hands on hips. (6) 4. Sporty (8) 10. The act of acquiring knowledge. (9) 11. A street urchin (5) 12. A domed building! (7) 13. Part of a plane’s controls (7) 14. Shortened form of girl’s name (5) 15. Making ready. (8) 18 .Two coloured. (8) 20. Adult stage of insect (5) 23. Form of germs pl. (7) 25. An organised group (7) 26. A pleasant change from the usual (5) 27. A gown for an African man. (9) 28. A type of view (5-3) 29. President of Education Society (6)

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1. Rate bran the wrong way. (8) 2. Quoit is found on Amazon (7) 3. Shampoo and condition (9) 5. Where cattle genitals are used for a medieval fortification in Cornwall. (8,6) 6. The French boy and sister-in-law authorised. (5) 7. Marmoset that’s almost a fruity tree. (7) 8. Can I, next, say “Pet” (6) 9. Gold privy pains strained unfavourably (14) 16. A flowery piano I can play. (9) 17. In monopoly, mathematicians are needed or find someone who has studied many fields (8) 19. Iron is mixed with Carbon to form Calcium deposit on the cutting edge. (7) 21. Able in a system, to reverse the operands. (7) 22. Suck in stomach muscles sphere. (6) 24. Series of names causing a boat to tip (5)

Bring a completed copy of this crossword to the Semper office, and enter the draw to win a $10 UQU voucher!

The same crossword made simpler.

DOWN 1. The wrong way. (8) 2. Peruvian port city found on the Amazon (7) 3. Systematic indoctrination (9) 5. A medieval fortification in Cornwall.

(8,6) 6. Authorised in law. (5) 7. Marmoset. (7) 8. Dog (6) 9. Unfavourably (14) 16. A tree with showy flowers. (9) 17. Someone who has studied many fields (8) 19. Cutting tooth (7) 21. An algebraic system in which operation is commutative. (7) 22. Suck in (6) 24. Series of names (5)

Edition 3 Solution: As provided by Prof Graeme Orr

SEMPER

Sudoku Easy

Hard

Quick Tips For Slackers BILL JOHNSTON A guy who walked into the Semper office with a column idea.

You can create an easy, portable snack with only ravioli and a keep cup. Just add boiling water, and wait five minutes. You can take this tasty treat with you to uni!

Ask SHOC Advice from Student Help on Campus’s Counselling Team I’m starting my 3rd year Psychology degree and have just received a Show Cause letter from UQ, because I failed subjects last year. I’ve never received one of these before and have no idea what to do. Please help! – Desperate Failure, Exitville Dear Desperate. UQ sends out thousands of show cause letters to students every year, so you are not alone. If you are required to show cause this means you must provide a reason in writing why your enrolment should not be cancelled.

Notifications are sent out via your student email account and you then have 20 working days from the date of the notification to submit a show cause response.

General advice: • Don’t panic • Check your student email account every day so you can take full advantage of the response timeframe • Speak to someone at Student Help On Campus (SHOC) or at the Student Centre for advice. We’re here to help.

• Submit your show cause response by the due date, with all the necessary supporting evidence required.

As long as your response is received by the due date, you can continue studying while your case is being considered.

A Show Cause template can be downloaded from the SHOC website www.uqu.com.au/student-support

My partner is amazing, they are really supportive of me being at uni. But, they like to party and drink a lot. Is there a way to make them change how much they drink? – Temperance D Dear Temperance. Be mindful that the only person you can change in your life is yourself.

For everyone else, you need to present them with information and be supportive of them choosing to make change within themselves.

You can let them know that you have concerns about how much they drink, saying that you want them to have fun, but not get into any bad situations as a result. Let them know that if they are wanting to look at alternate ways of having fun without alcohol, then you are on board with that.

Change can be slow and needs a lot of support to be meaningful and long lasting. Being a supportive partner can make a positive change in you, them and the relationship.

For any relationship matters, it is always good to get some confidential and professional support. Free help can be found on campus through SHOC in our Gender and Sexuality service. To book an appointment, visit www.shocuqu. com.au

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UNION

President’s Report Well here we are at the start of week six.

There have been high points, low points and lots of stressful late nights. With this in mind, however, we have finally passed a budget in accordance with the Union’s rules and regulations, and completed year-long student services plan. I want to thank all of those involved in the process for their hard work. It’s safe to say that for the staff involved it is another unique experience that comes with managing the behemoth that is a Student Union.

As I have spoken about in previous reports, the UQ Union is in a process of financial repair after some years of neglect. While both sides of the political divide have strong opinions on the solu-

Jeremy Lwin - Focus

tion to this problem [FOCUS] believes the answer is not to recklessly slash Union Services. We believe that utilising the principals of a decentralised model and supporting or affiliated clubs and groups can help propel student access to employability and community and create a better Union at a lower cost to students. The student services budget prepared was heavily informed by the need to deliver greatness in both services and financial management. For interested students, our budgets will be available on the UQU website for you to look at in the coming weeks.

I am happy to inform students that we are looking to run strong, consolidat-

Opposition Leader’s Report The last fortnight has been a flurry of activity for Student Action, doing our best to mobilise for the protest against the Liberal-National government’s $2.2 billion in cuts to university funding. That protest took place on March 21 in cities around the country under the slogan of #booksnotbombs. This reflects the absurd priorities of a government that this year has already announced $3.8 billion in loans for arms exporters and $5 billion in spending in order to build 220 tanks for the military.

So while students are told that the budget cannot afford uni funding, there’s always money for war. The $5 billion slated for tanks could instead pay the cost of 200,000 Bachelor degrees, based on UQ’s average annual fees of $8,621. Or, the

ed surplus across the organisation. Our business trading arm has undergone significant transformation under the leadership of Managing Director Glenn Porter and I am confident that we will be able to return more money in future for student events and projects. We have had a really strong performance from our “Peel and Win” campaign with sales up and people starting to once again build loyalty. It is critical that we can deliver great food and drink that allows us to reinvest into student services on campus.

As mid-semester approaches I would like to wish everyone the best of luck with their exams.

Regards – JL

Duncan Hart - Student Action

money could be used to employ people in regional Queensland to build the necessary transition to renewable energy. Or, it could be used to build 20,000 houses, which would go a long way to shortening the waiting list for social housing in Queensland.

It’s not just government spending on tanks that’s a problem, but universities’ connection to arms development. 32 of Australia’s 37 universities are members of the “Defence Science Partnerships” program, which matches universities with arms dealers. Lockheed Martin and BAE systems, two of the largest global arms dealers, recently signed agreements with Melbourne University to “directly fund research projects” while “providing PHD scholarships and internships.” At UQ

we have our own Boeing “Technology Centre” and the Centre for Hypersonics, which are connected to military aircraft development. While this research can have broader applications beyond the military, that the research is being funded by and channelled into military endeavours should be a cause for concern.

“There is no more than a remote prospect of a military attack by another country on Australian territory,” according to the 2016 Defence White Paper. The ongoing prioritisation of arms spending and development by government and universities instead reflects the strategic interests of the Australian state and its allies.

Rather prioritising destruction, it’s high time our society put the human needs of its citizens first.

Treasurer’s Report Samuel Ngugi

We passed the annual budget on Tuesday the 20th of March. This document details all the spending that is planned by the union for they year. It contains information on how the UQ Union businesses are doing as well as how money is being spent on students.

This year, my big priority is making sure that the union is running sustainably and will be able to survive during the reconstruction of the union complex (including the food court) in the next few years. Subsequently, this year we are planning on running a budget surplus of 500k in comparison to deficits

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of around 100k in previous years. This is due to larger projected earnings from union shops but also includes finding efficiencies in student services and spending cuts. Highlights include a $137k increase in clubs and societies funding, $35k fund for academic teams, $5k extra for Kampus Kitchen (free dinner) and $14.5k for semper to continue publishing every fortnight.

Getting this budget sorted was a big job so I would like to thank all the UQ union office bearers for working hard to make sure their departments had efficient plans for the year as well as the

UQU finance manager Marvin for doing a great job helping organise the budget.

I would also like to thank the our opposition, the socialist alternative, for being really open and understanding to the budget decisions we made.

Finally, the council where budget was passed this year lasted for only 1 hour in comparison to previous years which have taken in excess of 6. So for anyone reading this that may be future treasurers or decision makers, make sure that you are open and willing to consult with your various stakeholders in advance, as it can save countless hours and a lot of stress.

SEMPER

Vice Presidents Student Rights’ Report Paul Taylor & Zach Schafferius

You may have noticed we haven’t written a report since issue one. Well, it’s been a busy month for the Student Rights Collective as we’ve been hustling away to create more #WinsForStudents! We’ve opened the Student Rights Collective Hub next to the dentist on level 1 of the UQU Complex a couple of weeks ago. Although still a work in progress, feel free to take a nap in the A/C’d rooms, store/ reheat your food or chill out on the beanbags outside.

We’re still finalising plans for the internship and employment hub in the back of that room where you can apply for work and upskill yourself to get a job (e.g. online RSAs, RSGs, First Aid courses etc).

We’ve also seen (and experienced) the recent public transport horror stories students have been posting online.

In response, we’re launching the #BetterBusesNow campaign which you’ll see across uni shortly. Hopefully, we’ll bring the Brisbane City Council and Translink to the negotiating to get a better deal for students.

Our mates over at SHOC have run a few of the How-To-Adult series workshops already covering cooking, relationships and wellbeing. Coming up is the casual employment workshop with networking. After midsem break, consider joining some special workshops on workplace rights and renting rights so you can be confident you’re not being ex-

ploited or underpaid at work or in your rental property.

Free dinner fan? On the UQU Council budget night, we were able to increase the Kampus Kitchen budget so less students miss out. One last #BTS update: we’re currently looking into working with UQ to re-join the Association of Commonwealth of Universities which will open up access to new scholarships and bursaries for domestic and international students. Want more updates?

Subscribe to our newsletter by emailing studentrights@uqu.com.au or like us on Facebook.

Campus Culture Vice President’s Report Paige Howard If you’re like me, the careers fair and endless networking events have you a little stressed. I’m hoping the number of people I’ve connected with on LinkedIn positively correlates with my chances of getting a Vacation Program Acceptance over summer. But not going to lie, Grad Applications are a struggle to write when the next 7 Sundays of my life are already

planned thanks to the good old pub crawl.

Luckily for you, mid-sem is literally right around the corner. Take a few days out to rest and re-coup because the second half of sem is guaranteed to be bigger than the first. The C&S Calendar is jam-packed with plenty of good times, let alone our very own Union events that are

sure to be some of your best opportunities to procrastinate.

Shout out to those with mid-sem exams and to anyone with assessment over the holidays, good luck to you.

An Avid Birdwatcher’s Report Ebony ‘Attenborough’ Graveur Welcome to UQ! This is your official bidwatcher reporting. Now, I bet you’re wondering, who are the birds?

Well, the unfortunate news is that the University has, quite shamefully, never released a document that comprehensively explains the mysteries behind the birds on campus. The good news, however, is that I have spent much of my life studying the birds, and I have been preparing a special birdwatching tour to pass on my life’s work.

Looks like you’re early to uni this one time. So am I. This situation is statistically impossible, so let’s celebrate by taking the scenic route from UQ Lakes. Let me introduce you to the wildlife of St Lucia.

Ibis Ew, yuck, gross! What a friendly vile man with the big long hook for a face! I want to introduce you to the nasty vogel before the others. I want to introduce you to this professional monster first, if only to avoid the suspense that we’d otherwise be subjected to, had we not encountered

this silly chicken so early on in the journey. This dirty villain takes minimalism too far with its eyes and beak and eats rubbish and steals as a way to be ironic when what we need in a bird is stability.

GPA: negative 100

Duck What a wholesome and predictable bird. Rainy days bring this boat bird to the shores to walk around between classes without any real deviation from what cartoons led you to believe. I like a duck because they quack. Haha. Follow me!

Leave those ducks alone.

GPA: 7, at least

That one emu The most famous of all the birds is this one, that one emu. You don’t need me to rehash all those old stories about how the emu came to be the most famous face in UQ’s history. You’ve heard the bus story. You’ve heard the spelling bee story.

You’ve heard about how that one time the emu managed to set off the fire alarms and save first year psychology students from failing their exam (because they missed that one lecture that time). This superstar truly puts the celebrate in celebratey.

GPA: infinity

Standard Bird These birds are fine at best. They’re not as wholesome as the ducks back there, but that’s okay because these are actually just m’s written in the sky.

GPA: 6

White Mystery Sleeping Bois I want to introduce you to these bois but they’re asleep again, oh no! They’re sleeping through their exams and so are you! That’s a GPA of NOTHING! Sweet dreams mystery kids! Who are you? Who am I? Why? Why not?

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COMEDY

Speculator

3018

Celebrating 1000 Years of Journalism

Mars Community Group Concerned About Campus Expansion Mars residents have expressed their concerns over the planned expansion of the St Lucia Campus. For the past week, residents have displayed large yellow signs outside their bio-domes such as “Hawken Drive, not Hawken Hyperspace Bypass”.

Secretary of the Mars Community Association, Jimothy Hammock told reporters through Spacebook that the UQ administration was threatening the community’s tranquility.

“We are not afraid to take direct action. I strongly believe my fellow martians will fight back once they realise just how many spaceships this will bring through our community’s airspace,” Mr Hammock said.

But others think the expansion doesn’t go far enough, with the Sketch: Ruby Green, Mars Correspondent latest UQ Master Plan revealing plans to add an access pass to Saturn.

“The expansion to Saturn represents a key strategic goal for this university, as it has been for the past millennium under my administration,” UQ Vice Chancellor, CyberHøj told the Speculator.

“We look forward to completing this expansion, just as I do shuffling off this mortal coil,” he said.

Semper Finally Recovers From 2018 Team In a spectacular return to form this week, the editors of campus newspaper Semper Floreat have finally returned the prestigious publication to the heights it had reached before the 2018 team took the helm.

Semper, which has operated since the 20th Century, was regarded by historians to have been a lost cause ever since the newspaper’s 2018 administration sent it into disrepute.

“This is a day many of us never thought we’d see,” said Miles Hummingbee, an archivist at the Fryer Database.

“We had had every indication that the ratbags who took over the newspaper in 2018 had dealt it a death blow.

“But the 3018 team’s latest contributions have really blown us away,” he said.

The new editorial team have

moved away from the bemoanable habit of bringing to light serious issues occurring on campus, which was started by the 2018 team.

“We hope that other student publications will start to pick up the slack in this area,” Mr Hummingbee explained.

“But unfortunately, it seems that QUT Universe is determined to be shit for the next thousand years as well,” he said.

UQU President Announces Open Wormhole Policy Newly elected UQ Union President, Nerolie Jwyn has announced today that she is implementing an open wormhole policy.

“Looking through the archives, it was clear that the most successful past presidents have had open door policies,” Ms Jwyn explained.

“We need to implement these initiatives in a way that allows students at UQ’s Lunar Campus to have quick and easy access to their elected representatives,” she said.

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SPECULATOR

CyberHøj To Close More Spaceship Parks UQ Vice Chancellor CyberHøj has announced more spaceship parks will be closed to make way for nurseries before the year is out.

“To be a galaxy-class facility, we need to provide these childcare opportunities for our teaching and learning staff,” he explained at a press conference today.

It’s a move that has disgruntled the Student Union, who claim this will push the price of remaining parks even higher.

“Students have already struggled through last year’s push from $437 to $439 all-day parking,” UQ Union President Nerolie Jwyn explained.

“But at least Cellopark is now scanning our brains for our intended destination and charging us before we arrive, like any sensible 31st Century company would do.”

New Student Political Ticket Promises Affordable Prices At Refec, Electoral Accountability The 3018 student elections are set to look a little more interesting with a new ticket announcing their intention to run for office.

“Clarity is a group of concerned students who are dedicated to delivering affordable food, electoral accountability, and fun events on campus,” presidential candidate Yarpl Beclam told reporters today.

“The incumbents have been

in office for so long that some of their policies are tired,” Mr Beclam explained.

“For instance, they only advocate for green and grey students, while we are committed to advocacy for all intergalactic students.

“We also acknowledge humans as the traditional owners of this planet,” Mr Beclam explained.

Incumbent president Nerolie

Jwyn released a statement to explain that tradition has its merits.

“The only reason that the [FOCUS] ticket haven’t changed Union rules and regulations in the past millennium is that they were set so comprehensively and fairly by the Director of Union Governance in our first year in office,” she said.

Love Minions?

Schonell Theatre is Screening Every Film in the

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Call 3377 2200 for more info

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d l r o W e h t We Are

1st May 10AM-2PM

Live Music, Performances & International Foods

Forgan Smith Lawn