Semper 2018: The Yellow Edition

Why UQU is now anti-anti-smoking / p. 4

How to survive a Uni Breakup / p. 7

How Dance Mums Are Killing UQ’s Oldest Society / p. 5

SEMPER

Edition 3, 2018. Since 1932. Free.

NEWS

Acknowledgement of Country Semper acknowledges the Turrbal and Jagera peoples as the traditional owners of the land on which this newspaper is created. We pay our respects to elders past and present.

Editor’s Note Contents

Our Team

This was a rough fortnight for the Union, because the President, Jeremy Lwin, had to take a few days off for illness. It was hard for those who had to work without him, but also hard for the student body, who had to go without access to his open door policy for some 48 hours.

So, to make up for this morale killer, I volunteered to be Acting President for the days he was away.

It was a stressful time. During my reign, the new Union Treasurer was appointed, so I performed his workplace induction. It was a short induction with a single item: showing him the only door to the office, in case there were ever to be a fire.

Also under my reign, there were ridiculous delays at the UQ Lakes bus stop. I take full responsibility for these delays, but in many ways they give me hope. Hope that students are coming to campus, and enjoying everything that uni life has to offer.

Jeremy has since returned to the office, and I have been doing my best to make this transition period as smooth as possible.

So, for the time being, things have gone back to normal. But just say the word, and I’ll take over as President again.

-Rowan Evans

Editor in Chief Rowan Evans

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Letters 3 News 4 Rainbow 6 Women’s 6 Sex 7 Tear-out Poster 8 Puzzles 10 Regulars 11 Union Pages 12 Comedy 14 Write for us!

Message the Semper Floreat facebook page, or drop into our new offices near the Red Room

Editors Alexander Asher, Oscar Green, Xander Hayward, Amelie Lonsdale, Richard Lawson, Morgan Pendergast, Kayla Reimann, Amy Sienkiewicz-Grob, Raphael Wixted Cover Art Tessa Clarkson Printer Print on Demand, UQ St Lucia Publisher Semper is published by the UQ Union President, Jeremy Lwin With Thanks Fletcher, Tim, Dan, Efika (who we forgot to thank last edition), Madeleine, Emily, Ebony, and all the boys down at Runcorn 4113 Disclaimer

The views expressed in this publication are the personal opinions of the authors. They do not necessarily reflect the views of the editor or the views of UQU. All articles are to be considered opinionative in nature. All articles remain the intellectual property of the authors.

SEMPER

Letters to the Editor Many of them of the online variety. Opinions are those of the writers.

On Crosswords

Also On Crosswords

Has anyone ever solved the crosswords on page 10?

You should offer a prize, because I’m convinced they’re impossible.

Emily (11:30pm): Hey, Semper, can you make the cryptic crossword easier please? I am drunk and it is impossible. Also, I have a mate who is keen to help you make a better crossword.

Advertisement

Semper (8am): Hey, Emily, who’s the mate?

ZACHARY THOMAS

Emily (8:30am): Uhhh. Someone I met at the pub last night...

Hey, could you stick an ad in Semper that says On A Roll Bakery has the best coffee on campus?

A personal endorsement would also be appreciated.

Truth Not So Great

CATRIN RENSTROM

Response: Respected Director of Union Governance, As a working man, I always find that coffee is a necessary ingredient to the productive lifestyle I lead. In many ways, the student body has The Bakery’s Coffee to thank for every edition of Semper.

Please let me know what you think of the ad on the back page.

- Rowan

Want to get published?

You can reach the editors over Facebook, or by emailing semper@uqu.com.au.

Or, you can walk straight into our offices outside the Red Room.

Send us your stories, or just let us know your opinions on the latest edition.

EMILY WESTWOOD

HAMISH GREENOP-ROBERTS

When UQ Marketing told students to “create change”, I hardly think they wanted us to get on our knees and start praying.

However, you’d be forgiven for thinking as much, if you’ve ever picked up a flyer for the University’s Multi Faith Chaplaincy. This official program uses student fees and tax dollars to fund “prayer, meditation and worship” under the instruction of chaplains representing mainstream religions such as Christianity and Islam, all the way through to the Jehovah’s Witnesses and Seventh Day Adventists.

We can all agree that protecting the freedom of religion on campus is a worthwhile ideal. However, for an institution of higher learning to sweep aside the principles of scientific inquiry in the name of superstition, is nothing short of rank hypocrisy.

No medical researcher would promote prayer as an alternative to medical treatment, nor would a chemist ever accept that words alone can turn water into wine. Nonetheless, chaplains who preach these absurdities are somehow held to a lower intellectual standard than the rest of us.

As is written above the entrance to Forgan Smith, “Great is truth, and mighty above all things.” Let’s make sure our University lives up to that sentiment.

The editors would welcome a subimssion of similar length defending the Multi-Faith Centre for publication in the next edition of Semper.

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NEWS

Union Thanks You For Smoking Student representatives take a stand against smoke-free campus.

MORGAN PENDERGAST - Politics Editor At the February meeting of UQ Union Council, your student representatives voted to condemn UQ’s proposed smoking ban.

You’ve probably seen the big purple signs all over campus announcing that UQ will be smoke free from July 1st this year.

And if you haven’t yet, then you need to attend more classes.

The decision follows a Queensland Government Parliamentary Committee inquiry into the use of tobacco at tertiary institutions in 2016, which prompted the Queensland Government to work with universities and TAFEs towards eliminating smoking on their campuses.

UQ announced the plan in September last year, saying “[t]he decision aligns with UQ’s responsibility and desire to provide healthy and vibrant campuses, and reflects evolving societal norms.”

Now, whether or not you’re a smoker yourself, you would expect there to be one or two sensible exemptions to this resolution. Take for instance, the humble Red Room Smoker’s Deck, a place which Semper is certain none of the staff who made this decision have ever experienced. The Smoker’s Deck is just far enough from the loud music to allow conversation, and just close enough to the bar to let you share a jug with the strangers you’ll meet on the deck.

If you’ve ever spent more than five minutes on the deck, you’ve probably been invited to a conversation pretty quickly.

That’s because the smokers are the first to start conversations with strangers – usually about a lighter or a durry to start, but quickly developing into interesting questions of politics or ‘would you rathers’.

You might think, dear reader, that such social spaces are perfect for breaking down the social isolation that plagues our population in the year 2018. But instead, UQ’s anti-smoking policy is absolute.

So, prominent campus tobacco enthusiast Kurt Tucker put a motion to UQ Union Council to condemn the ban.

“This measure will affect countless students and staff, without any outreach or compromise with those affected,” Mr Tucker told Semper.

“I agree that non-smoking students shouldn’t have to put up

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with second hand smoke, but the solution is to create a culture of respect among smokers for the greater community, not to limit the freedom and safety of smokers,” he said.

When asked how a smoking ban would impact students who choose to smoke, Mr Tucker cited security concerns as an overlooked issue.

“Think of the 18 and 19 year old women who will be affected by this when they’re studying late at night,” Mr Tucker said.

“Does UQ really want to send them off campus, far from well-lit areas and security staff in the middle of the night?

“This would seriously undermine UQ’s commitment to reducing the incidence of antisocial behaviour and even sexual misconduct on campus,” he said.

The Council overwhelmingly supported Mr Tucker’s motion, and the meeting was briefly delayed while the raucous cheers dissipated.

So, will it save the Smoker’s Deck? Not likely. ‘Fun’ is a word so foreign to the UQ Bureaucracy™ that they would be more likely to ban alcohol from the Red Room for being just a little too risky for their darling students.

But the vote does make it an official policy position of our student representatives to oppose the smoking ban, and some are happy about that.

“As a frequent patron of the deck, I’m glad that the Union’s standing up for the most egalitarian social hub on campus,” Caleb Theunissen, a UQ smoker, told Semper.

Others, like Semper editor Alex Asher said his asthma gave him reason to pause.

“I really fucking hate cigarettes. As someone with asthma, I don’t appreciate having fumes blown in my face,” Mr Asher said.

“That said, I understand for many people, this is is an addiction, and as an alcoholic and a caffeine addict myself, I can’t support the University cracking down on people’s personal vices,” he said.

But, even if this vote fails to achieve anything, dear reader, we can all sleep soundly knowing that at least vaping is banned too.

SEMPER

How Dance Mums Are Killing UQ’s Oldest Society ROWAN EVANS - Editor in Chief UQ’s original student society faces financial problems if Union Council doesn’t rule in their favour this month, their members claim.

Along with the UQ Debating Society, Underground Productions was a founding group behind UQ’s student union.

But a century later, the Society is now at odds with the Union over their access to the Schonell Theatre.

Once upon a time, Underground called the Geoffrey Rush Drama Studio their home, but last decade, the University’s drama faculty took control of the space from the hands of the Union. Now the drama faculty can’t (or won’t) compromise on letting third parties use the space.

Being a theatre society, Underground desperately needs a theatre, so the Union offered Underground eight free weeks of rehearsal time in the Schonell Theatre.

That changed last year when the free rehearsal time started to eat into Schonell’s bottom line.

Semper spoke with Joshua Roser, last year’s UQ Union Treasurer, about why he made the call.

“The original agreement was made 10-15 years ago, when Underground was the only club that the UQU had affiliated with aims towards drama and the arts,” Mr Roser said.

“Nowadays, there are multiple clubs such as The ARTS UQ that achieve these aims, as well as many clubs such as UQ Law and Med Revue and PSA that use the Schonell Theatre for productions — these clubs were paying commercial rates,” he said.

By the start of this year, the Theatre was being loaned to third parties, with the most interested performers being local

dance schools.

“One of the few demographics that have a reason to rent a large theatre space on a regular basis is dance schools,” UQU President Jeremy Lwin explained to Semper.

“Without them staging performances in our venue, it would cost the student body a lot more to keep the Schonell Theatre afloat.

“It’s similar to how local schools will often rent UQ’s sports fields for carnivals,” he said.

But in a speech at Union Council’s February meeting, Underground executive Kathryn Good said that the society needs a more sustainable plan, or they risk going bust.

“Underground is not just any society — it is one of the oldest societies at UQ, and an original constituent society of the Union,” Ms Good said.

“Throughout our history we have started the Fryer Library at UQ, contributed to building the Schonell theatre from our own proceeds, advocated for setting up drama studies at UQ, and have produced some of the most illustrious personalities in Queensland theatre, including Geoffrey Rush, Bille Brown, Bryan Nason, Richard Fotheringham, and many more,” she said.

Opposition leader Duncan Hart was vocally in favour of the motion during the debate.

“UQ Union has an important role to play in supporting student culture, and Schonell is a great resource in doing that. It shouldn’t be a question of maximising income,” he told Semper.

Council voted to consider the motion at its March meeting.

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NEWS

UQ’s Spot In The Marriage War FLETCHER QUILTY - Queer Issues Contributor “Safe schools is out to corrupt the minds of innocent children… They are people who want to destroy everything that is good about Australia.”

These were the words blasted over a loudspeaker last September, when gay conservative Wilson Gavin led a ‘Vote No’ rally on campus. He and his troops unleashed a volley of harmful language, spreading misinformation about our goals and our community. We should be able to have a respectable debate in this country; this was the No campaigners slogan, but the campaigners were quick to break this rule of engagement.

Like any smart general, they were hitting us where we were weak. ‘No’ campaigners weren’t prepared to come right towards our most well-defended territory. Instead, they claimed not to be against queerness itself, but their attacks on Safe Schools and gender iden-

tity said otherwise. UQ was our citadel, and we never expected it to come under assault. Queer students rallied to defend themselves and their allies when our validity, our identity, and our humanity were in question. UQ was divided, not equally, but loudly.

With the enemy at our doorstep, we dug in for a two-month battle. We fought for freedom, we fought for honour, and we fought for love. I saw close friends beaten down in the face of public criticism of their identity. Relentlessly defending my identity in the face of ‘No’ campaigning stripped me to my most basic elements.

By the time the ABS released the survey results on November 16, we were exhausted. The conflict had left us dejected and weary.

Eventually, the trenches overflowed with Yes-voting Australians that stormed the front and took us to vic-

tory by two-thirds. But the battle took its toll. The anti-marriage-equality movement infiltrated UQ and brought a battlefront to our home away from home. When Dean Smith’s bill passed on December 7, the smoke cleared from the battlefield. The scars of battle still marr UQ. They will fade in time.

An ‘Enrol to Vote’ sign still sits in the entrance of the Women’s and Abilities Rooms in the UQ complex. While I am vindicated in the knowledge that the majority of Australians, and by extension UQ students, support our right to love, this sign, as long as it stands, serves as a lasting reminder to us that this was a battle hard fought. Democracy is a continuous process, and at times seems an arduous, Sisyphean struggle.

In those times the fight seems impossible, fight harder. Never stop fighting for what you believe is right and good, and you will conquer any foe.

Drag In The Queer Community AMELIE LONSDALE - Queer Issues Editor So it’s my first time at The Beat. I’ve got a nice dress on, done all my makeup, and I’m about as happy with my appearance as I’ve ever been. But as I’m sitting in the smokers’ area, fighting my social anxiety, trying to get up the courage to go talk to a cute girl, there’s a voice in my head that won’t leave me alone. It says, “what if everyone here thinks you’re a drag queen, not a woman?”

Drag has an important history within the queer community. For a long time, it was the only way that queer people, men and women, could express themselves without being arrested, beaten, evicted, fired from their jobs or even murdered. But since then, things have drastically changed. Cis gay men have taken over, and now, for trans women, drag makes us uncomfortable. In fact, RuPaul Charles of RuPaul’s Drag Race said last week that he would ‘probably not’ allow a trans woman to compete on his show in the future. “It takes on a different thing; it changes the whole concept of what we’re doing” he said, conveniently ignoring that what he’s doing is cutting trans women out of a

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culture they helped create.

Drag Race is most people’s first impression of drag, watched widely by people both in and out of the LGBTQIA+ community. This is troubling for trans women because Rupaul is a disgusting transphobe who delights in calling us trannies, has said “the only difference between drag and trans is $25,000 and a good surgeon”, and has filled his show with transphobic content. Anyone who watched the show prior to 2014 will recall the delightful ‘you’ve got she-mail’, because transphobic slurs are always fun.

Obviously Rupaul doesn’t own the concept of drag, but it’s telling that his show is so popular despite him being such a fucking awful person. When trans women see drag now, we see caricatures of ourselves based on hurtful and outdated myths of us being catty and predatory, ala Rocky Horror.

Drag is also representative of all the struggles trans women face within the queer community. Cis people within the community (and our supposed ‘allies’ outside of it) seem to have no issue with treating men in drag as women,

and using she/her pronouns for them.

But when it comes to trans women (i.e. actual goddamn women), respecting our femininity suddenly becomes a lot more difficult.

I spoke to Nicholas Comino, the UQU Queer Officer, and was relieved to find that the Queer Collective is taking trans women’s feelings on drag into account. “We don’t host any drag events because we want the collective to be a safe space for all queer students,” he said.

Unfortunately, drag is still prevalent in queer spaces outside of UQ, but there are a few steps we can take to minimise its impact. To my trans sisters: please speak up where you safely can. The more visible trans women we have in this world, the less people like RuPaul can turn us into bogey monsters. And to all the allies of trans women reading this: please be more critical of the media you consume. If you want to be our allies, then not supporting tasteless and hurtful shows and events is a easy place to start.

SEMPER

Love & Relationships Help from the Love Professor Love Professor, I just started 6th year and I’ve never been on a date. Who do I blame? The Government? Rich People? God? - Considering Politics Well, Considering, if you’re looking for someone to blame, then unfortunately the biggest culprit is, well, you. But there’s no need to fret! That isn’t a bad thing. It just means that you’ve had 6 extra years to work on yourself before entering the exciting world of dating.

People sometimes rush into relationships as early as they can, and it’s possible to lose yourself in that way of thinking.

There’s nothing wrong with being single, but if you’re looking to change your status, start putting yourself out there more. From bars to dating website, the world is full of people who are in your exact position. You

Get your advice at http://LoveProfessor.sarahah.com/

might be single, but you’re not alone, Considering.

So, take some time to work out what you do know about yourself. Right now there is someone out there looking for exactly what you’re offering. Once you know what you’re offering, all that’s left is for you to find each other.

- Love Professor

Love Professor, What is the best way to be able to do doggy style without hurting the recipient?

- Ruff Nights To be honest Ruff, I’m not 100% exactly how you’re hurting your partner — so let’s break down some of the ways to avoid tricky times with doggy style.

If stiff knees are giving you guff, the most

basic solution is to change what you’re resting on. If you’re on a hard surface, maybe move to the bed instead or put something soft underneath.

When painful genitals are the cause of your woe, I have one word for you: lube. Always more lube. “Too much lube” is never going to cause pain. Not enough lube can.

It’s okay to slow things down a bit. Stay in constant communication — there’s no rush.

When it comes down to it though, it’s possible that doggy style just isn’t the right position for you - and that’s fine. Just because it looks fun in porn or works with other partners doesn’t mean that it’s inherently better than other positions. People are imaginative - a quick search can show you as many positions that are right for you - Love Professor

Just the Tips The Love Professor’s Guide to: Surviving a Break Up So you’ve lost your latest flame.You started with dreams of everlasting love, but now it’s week three and everything’s over.

Breakups are hard. I went through one last month, and they’re a bitter pill to swallow - but if I got through mine, you can get through yours.

Here’s some top tips for surviving a uni breakup, coming first hand from someone who just did.

Don’t shut yourself off. Reach out to people in your life. When I had my breakup, it was a great opportunity to hit up some friends on Facebook that I hadn’t talked to for a while.

I got in touch with a friend of mine who was travelling in India. Normally, I would expect him to be enjoying camel and elephant rides, far too busy to keep up with a friend in little old Brisbane. To my surprise, he turned into a delightful conversational partner on some of my hardest days. So, if you’re finding yourself lacking in the social department, go make some new friends! UQ has a million and one ways to meet people so take advantage. It might save you from buying that extra large tub of ice cream, that you know you really don’t need.

Find a use for any extra time you might have now. Whether it’s reclaiming a hobby or throwing yourself

into study, find a use for your newfound time. The worst nights for me were the ones that I would just sit and do nothing. In my immediate post-breakup period, I got back into programming

outside of class. I made my own messaging service. That project distracted me from what could have been countless hours crying myself to sleep.

Remember that this isn’t the end of your love life. Perhaps not right away, but you’re going to date and fall in love again. Maybe you can’t see it yet, but everything you learned from the relationship that just ended helped you grow as a person, and that’s going to make your next relationship even better. One thing that I’ve found myself appreciating is that being part of a breakup means that we’re included in this massive cultural phenomenon. There’s a reason the breakup hashtag is always trending on spotify. For what it’s worth, my breakup song is Taylor Swift’s White Horse.

It’s hard now, and it’s okay to feel sucky, but it is going to get easier. Painful memories will turn tender and even though you’ve lost a paramour in the long run you might even gain a friend.

I’ve learned a lot over the past month, but my biggest takeaway is that we should all love freely and without fear for the future.

- The Love Professor

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WARNING serious crying happening here

happening here daily

PUZZLES

Cryptic Crossword Authored by J.E.

ACROSS 1 Cheese takes to wing for a short time (7) 5 See a whimper and hear a slobber to find paint (7) 9 The part of a helmet grown from seed (3) 10 Grammatical confused call about America (7) 11 Ex-diner organizer (7) 12 Enter, hesitate, take time but no action (5) 13 Suggest political party as holy gifts (9) 15 What sounds like straw? (3) 17 See main aid ace turn out to be quite the learned (11) 20 Trump card for tax is water off a duck’s back (7-4) 22 Try a headless rug that Skarsgard used perhaps (3) 24 A peep into dancing person. Assigned! (9) 26 Pet, I’d dance until lukewarm (5)

27 Port from which match and bagel can be found (7) 29 Good for swimming on the internet by either spider or duck flipper perhaps (3-4) 30 A pointless wave back, forever seen after four (3) 31 Lie in ever transforming rest (7) 32 One who submits by blinking eyelid on right (7) DOWN 1 Throw off that boy’s impetuousness (7) 2 Said colourfully seen mostly grim, yeah (7) 3 Remove red tape at Doomben on a fine day for example (4,5) 4 Amber ale, followed right time for precaution (6,5) 5 Aim true, friend! (3) 6 Up and down locator (5) 7 Eleven play with a cello in this place of law (3,4) 8 For example, a bag and a laptop at the airport are in crayon (5-2) 14 Sense the situation is the price paid for single rock (4,4,3) 16 Breathe of a song (3) 18 Gent with alibi can make fire (9) 19 Annoys every other whatever (3) 20 Learn from a reformed cheater (7) 21 Impel an overthrow to make a jury (7) 22 Tear thread, when you hear “really shoot” (3-4) 23 Person to examine most of the duration (7) 25 I’m blue, left out to inspire with feeling (5) 28 A thousand greyer alternatives (3)

Be the first to bring a completed copy of this crossword to the Semper office, and we’ll give you a $10 UQU voucher!

Easier Clues The same crossword made simpler.

ACROSS 1 For a short time (7) 5 Type of paint (7) 9 Tree (3) 10 Grammatical part (7) 11 Organizer (7) 12 Non-reactive (5) 13 Ritual presentation of gifts (9) 15 Straw (3) 17 Learned person (11) 20 Donald Trump’s economic policy (7-4) 22 Scandinavian rug (3) 24 Person assigned to task (9) 26 Lukewarm (5) 27 Valise (7)

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29 Appendage with toes joined (3-4) 30 Part of texting forever (3) 31 Rest (7) 32 One who submits (7) DOWN 1 Impetuousness (7) 2 Figurative description (7) 3 Advance rapidly (4,5) 4 Precautionary signal (6,5) 5 Friend (French) (3) 6 Electronic locating device (5) 7 Latin for place of law (3,4) 8 Bags allowed in plane cabin (5-2) 14 Proceeding with little information (4,4,3)

16 Wind (3) 18 Can make fire (9) 19 Whichever (3) 20 One who facilitates learning (7) 21 To place a person on a jury (7) 22 Part pulled to release parachute (3-4) 23 Person who examines (7) 25 Inspire with feeling (5) 28 A thousand (slang) (3)

Edition 2 Solution: ACROSS 1. Adviser 5. Ballast 9. Culture Week 10. Hem 11. Yod 12. Kissing 13. It’s growing on me 17. Assignment task 22. Parking 24. Tic 26. Any 27. Icebreakers 29.

Freight 30. Library DOWN 1. Arc 2. Volumes 3. Study 4. Re-endow 5.

Break-in 6. Lakes 7. Animism 8. Thing 10. Hail 14. Rai 15. Out 16. Okay 18. Sardine 19. Neglect 20. Enthrall 21.

Alameda 22. Proof 23. Icing 25. Coarb 28. Shy

SEMPER

Sudoku

The Hartley Tickle The hottest gossip from Phoebe and Leslie

A joke because the publisher hates white space.

A dog walks into a post office and asks to send a telegram saying “Woof woof woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof.”

The post officer says “Hey, we charge per 10 words, and you’ve only got nine woofs here. Do you want to send an extra woof for free?”

The dog says “That wouldn’t make sense.”

Launch Party Season continues its destruction on students who vowed to attend all their classes this semester (for the 6th semester in a row). Once again, the Hartley Tickle is reporting back with the juicy details from the social sphere.

Reports are in that even though Rhiannon Webb is the new President of EUS, her loyalty remains with her roots as she skips her own launch party and instead attends CHESS/MESS 50s night Rumours are flying as a beloved, retired photographer picked up the camera once again at UQ CESA’s Croquet in Wonderland. Dan Tealby announced his retirement at Psych Ball last year, a sad moment for the entire UQU community. Is this a sign that a photographer reunion tour is on the cards in 2018?

Drama continued at the EUS Aussie Backyard party as attendees were entertained by a rife debate between the Monarchists and Republicans.

Vice President of Campus Culture Paige Howard was seen in a fabulous shirt styled out of the Union Jack flag, until she was escorted to the bathrooms for offending members of the Republican Club.

Ask SHOC Advice from Student Help on Campus’s Gender and Sexuality Counsellor.

“My partner often gets upset with me at the end of semester, when I am spending more time at uni than with her. What should I do to prevent this happening again?”

Relationships are both meaningful, rewarding, challenging and complex. Some people associate how well the relationship is going by the amount of time spent together. So, the more time you spend with each other, the better the relationship is and the better all involved feel.

However, quantity of time does not always equate with better quality. Often, our partners feel like they are being put in second place, with uni coming first. This may not be true, but it is how people can feel.

What is important is to make sure that, time is given to your relationship each week, even if it is just one night. Make sure you won’t be interrupted, do something meaningful which allows you to connect with your partner. By knowing that there will always be this time each week, your partner will know that they get to spend time with you and not be resentful of your studies.

“My boyfriend doesn’t go to university and he often does not understand how stressful university actually is. He often makes jokes and laughs at me when I say I am feel stressed. What can I do?”

It can be hard for someone to understand something they have never experienced before.

Helping him appreciate the complexities of university will help.

Let him know how uni is similar and different to school, show him the amount of work that is expected of you (start with one course and then say that this is multiplied by the number of courses that you study). Hopefully, if he has more knowledge about what is expected of you then he will be more understanding of the stress you may be under.

If he continues to laugh and joke at your expense, then it’s important to let him know about how that impacts you. Tell him how you feel every time he does that, and ask that he be more aware of those feelings. Avoid using guilt, ultimatums or demands, as this is more likely to produce a negative reaction from him.

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UNION

President’s Report Jeremy Lwin - Focus

It was with immense pleasure I welcomed the first students to take advantage of my open door policy this week. Although the students in question had no queries regarding union business, student services, or clubs and societies, but rather were just looking for a general chat and had some thoughts about their studies, I take my wins where I can get them.

Semper has informed me I will need to pay for advertising space if I want them to plug my open door policy further, but they can’t charge me for plugging it in my report.

If you have any thoughts about the Union come on up and say hi, I get awfully lonely sometimes surrounded by student politicians.

The Union has been busy at work designing our budget. The feats we’ve so far achieved are unparalleled by recent executives, and I’m proud of the way it is shaping up. Budget night is tenatatively set for the 20th of March.

Unless there are any major upheavals, all students are welcome to come along and scrutinise the books – this is your Union after all.

Some spoilers for budget night:

The cash position has improved by over a million dollars compared to February last year, and we intend to run an extremely large surplus to put us in a position to deal with the volatility of the Union Complex redevelopment without comparatively large cuts to services.

Also this fortnight, I had a cold. To that end, I would like to clarify that despite his claims to the contrary, the Chief Semper Editor, Rowan Evans, was never officially appointed as the acting president during that time.

See you next fortnight. - JL

Opposition Leader’s Report Duncan Hart - Student Action With International Women’s Day (IWD) just behind us, it’s useful to reflect on the importance of challenging sexual and gender oppression for the UQ Union. Women now make up over 55% of the student body. As the organisation which enables students to have a voice on our campus and in society, the Union has the responsibility to raise critical issues facing women, and to continue to push for meaningful change.

Change such as the decriminalisation of abortion in Queensland, which has been on the criminal code since 1899. While the law is now interpreted to mean that women can access an abortion if a threat is posed to their health, the fact that it remains an offence liable to a sentence of 14

years imprisonment makes access difficult and expensive. The last case of a woman being charged with procuring her own abortion was as late as 2009.

Women also face particular challenges as students, with the gender pay gap still at 16% for women working full time compared to men. Even for new graduates, women can expect to earn 9.1% less than their male counterparts. A KPMG study of the gender pay gap in 2016 credited 38% of it on outright discrimination, 29% from gender segregated workplaces/ occupations and 21% due to time taken off work to care for family. All of this paints a picture of systemic sexism which leads to the underpayment of women. This financial insecurity clearly combines with sexist objecti-

fication to explain how 37% of QLD women report being sexually harassed at work.

Given these pressing issues facing women, it has been a shame that the official IWD event hosted by the UQ Union saw a speech from the leader of the QLD Liberal National Party, Deb Frecklington. Frecklington, like the rest of her conservative colleagues, scuttled the plans to legalise abortion in QLD last year and support attacks to penalty rates in the female-dominated retail and hospitality industries. Her presence reflects that the struggle to take women’s rights seriously at UQ involves first of all a struggle for a progressive student union.

The Union Council BUDGET SPECTACULAR Coming To The Innes Room March 20th!

“An eight-hour thriller that will keep you on the edge of your seat!” - Roger Ebert

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“Simply epic” - New York Times

SEMPER

Treasurer’s Report Samuel Ngugi Hi, I’m Sam and I’m the new Treasurer of the UQ Union. The previous treasurer resigned so I just started this position at the start of March.

My job is to oversee the finances, which means I have to make sure that people are spending money properly.

I think most people are unaware of the scope of the Union, which ranges from student support services to running many of the food outlets on campus. This includes places like the Pizza Caffe, Main Course, Red Room and the Physiol just to name a few.

Overall the Union goes through over $20 million, all of which is technically controlled by students. And yes, I am both excited and scared about that at the same time. Of course all the profits from these businesses go back to you guys, whether that be through providing free counselling services, semper, grants to clubs and societies or throwing big events like market day.

Overall, these activities enable us to make sure that your time at uni is better.

In addition to this, I, just like Jeremy, will have an open door policy.

So if you have any complaints about the Union e.g. Food is too expensive or you would like more vegetarian options at a specific outlet please feel free to talk to reception and ask for me. I guess if you also just simply want to chat and talk about your opinions on random things like markets or science or politics feel free as well.

- Sam

Campus Culture Vice President’s Report Paige Howard I don’t know about anyone else, but launch party season has me rolling into class like a ghost. I apologise in advance to my group members who don’t yet know that when I say I’m busy that night, I mean I’m attending 3 different club events in the space of about 5 hours.

I did find some time to relax in the midst of a hectic week down on the front lawns at Food on Forgan. As hard as it was to choose between the classic Mac ‘n’ cheese or a great Aussie burger, the hardest part of the afternoon was accepting defeat to an engineer in a very very long game of checkers. If you struggled

picking a meal, don’t stress, you’ll have the opportunity to try everything at least once when Food on Forgan returns later in the semester.

With the end of the launch season coming soon, the start of Professional Networking season is just around the corner. Here’s six quick-fire tips for getting the best out of the season: 1. Get a ticket quick, they sell out before you realise, and you don’t want to miss out.

2. Wear corporate attire - dress like you would for an interview, so people know you’re serious about getting em-

ployed.

3. Research into a few of the organisations before you go. It’ll give you some talking points, and nobody likes a bad conversation 4. USE LINKEDIN. If you don’t have it yet, you want it before you turn up.

5. Be responsible with your alcohol, no one wants to hire a drunk mess.

6. If you want to chat to someone, do it. Don’t wait for them to talk to you, they won’t.

That’s all for this fortnight! I wish you all the best in your studies, and in your networking -Paige

Reports of People We Met At The RE As told to Raphael Wixted Last edition, we sought to deliver to the students of UQ the very finest of philosophy and current affairs, as told by the good folk down at the Royal Exchange Hotel. This edition, we are pleased to resume that vital service, and share with you the unique perspectives of those who choose to see the world through the bottom of a bar glass.

Following our close reportage of that high-achieving subset of university students who consider alcohol an important curricular component, we thought it our duty to seek out a more marginalised voice in the ever-shrinking echo chamber of tertiary life; young people who have by choice or circumstance not taken up further education.

Jacob thinks he’s onto something. “If it were worth studying, I guess I would.

I just thought I’d be better off working.

I’ve managed to save a fair bit, and just do some cryptocurrency trading on the side”. (Semper has taken a principled stance on no-platforming anyone who chooses to promote the idea that we should give a fuck about bitcoin).

His friends seemed to take a more confucian approach. One of them, RJ, even shared with us the secret to getting through a 10 hour midnight shift at McDonalds. “I actually really enjoy my job” he told Semper, “mainly because I can do it stoned. I want to be a mechanic, but for now I’m happy at Maccas”. Does RJ think he could fix a car while high? “If I knew what I was doing beforehand, probably. Not as easy as mopping a bathroom though. I’m usually out of my mind before doing that”.

Despite being barely into her second drink, Ebony was able to share with us a surprisingly personal account of what you should be focusing on in life.

“I was homeless a few months ago, and honestly, even though I’m glad to be out of that situation, I think I was happiest back then.” This confused us greatly, but her explanation made perfect sense: “I was so much more grateful for things that we just take for granted in our everyday lives. I really appreciated everything people did for me, and that made me feel

really good about life.”

If that was uplifting but unrelatable, Liam brought us back to earth with depressing and oh boy do I know that feel.

“Have you ever met someone at the RE, who you only ever see at the RE? I started coming here in 2014, but haven’t been back in a while, and I still see people who’ve been coming since then. Don’t get yourself in that rut, man.” Mitchell then decided, possibly with the assistance of what appeared to be his second jug, that this phenomenon was part of life’s grand scheme: “The RE is like the centre of the universe, except it’s the universe’s asshole”. Well said Mitch, well said.

Regardless of whatever their own personal life philosophies are, it seems clear that what gives many people the greatest satisfaction is simply sharing their ideas with others. If you’d like to sink a few and come share your worldview with us, we’d love to have a chat. To know if we’ll be around on the same Wednesday as you, just follow @semperfloreat on Instagram.

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COMEDY

Speculator

St Lucia

UQ’s other news source since 1933

UQ Mates Voted Campus’s Best Program For Meeting Other, Like-Minded Losers The UQ Losers Society has today announced that UQ Mates has won their coveted annual award for the program that entices the most losers to campus.

“There was tough competition this year with UQU running a Speed Friending event,” a spokesperson for the society said.

“But it turns out a couple of Big Names on Campus turn up to UQU events just to have a laugh.

“We found that UQ Mates’ strategy of just sticking two bottles together with candy inside, asking people to shake it, and calling it a ‘Gamesfest’ attracted only people with absolutely no friends.

“So in the end, there was only one program on campus that really catered to people with absolutely no social options of any value,” he said.

New Study Recommends Saving 37 Seconds A Day By Standing Up Before Lecturer Dismisses Class Researchers at the University of Queensland have today advised timepoor students to save time by leaving lectures before the lecturer dismisses them.

“In this day and age, students have more to do than ever, so we really wanted to find the best ways that they could save time in the day,” lead researcher David Samson explained.

“We found that the average student could save up to 37 seconds in

some of our lab tests.

“And that number could go as high as 38 or 39 if the conditions were right.

“With that extra time, a student might expect to make it to the sausage sizzle queue first, or even raise their chance of finding an empty library computer by a factor of 2%,” he said.

Mr Samson said future trials could focus on the impact of packing be-

longings away during the lecturer’s final slides.

“There’s a lot of promise in this area, and we’re quietly confident that there will be benefits not just from packing up your belongings, but doing it so loudly that nobody in the class can hear the concluding points,” Mr Samson said.

Classmate Definitely Lying In Icebreaker Activity A student at the University of Queensland has definitely lied throughout the first tutorial icebreaker activity, a classmate has confirmed.

The lies began during an activity where students were asked to tell the class about their holidays.

“It all started when she said she was volunteering with a United Nations outreach group,” classmate John Trevors told The Speculator today.

“I gave the guy next to me a sideways glance, and I could tell we

14

both knew this girl was lying.

“After volunteering in Africa, she claimed to have taken a jaunt through Europe, doing ‘modelling work’.

“And then, apparently, after spending Christmas in the Alps, she ends up taking an internship at 1 William Street, which just doesn’t pass the sniff test,” Mr Trevors explained.

At press time, Mr Trevors was explaining that the only appropriate use of time during the holidays is sinking tinnies with the boys and/or playing video games.

SPECULATOR

Lecturer Just Going To Let Video Autoplay To Distract From Deeper Personal Flaws A lecturer at the University of Queensland has told reporters that despite being fully aware that YouTube is about to autoplay an unintended video, she will not attempt to stop it, as it may cover up her personal deficiencies.

UQ lecturer Kelly Jameson originally pressed play on a relevant video to illustrate a finer point about her lecture, and now intends to leave an irrelevant video to play for a few moments in the hopes that nobody realises that her life is spiralling out of control.

“If all goes right, students will remember this video, and not realise that I have never truly loved another human being,” Ms Jameson told The Speculator.

Winner Of Mount Franklin Water In UQU Peel & Win Would Have Preferred A Second Chance Draw A disgruntled UQ Union customer has taken to Twitter today to complain about winning a Mount Franklin water in the ongoing Peel & Win competitoin.

“I spent a good $5 on that coffee, and the least the Union could have done was give me a ticket in the Second Chance draw,” Ben Jones tweeted today.

“Honestly, the fact that bottled water is even made an option in this prize draw is an in-

sult to customers.

“Why the hell would I want a bottle of water when I could have an infinitessimally small chance of winning a Lorna Jane gift card?” Mr Jones continued.

Fellow students were quick to offer consolation to Mr Jones.

“All I know is that I didn’t vote for a party that would lead students to believe they could try their luck at a second chance draw, and then give them a bottle of water instead,” said one commenter.

UQ Union President Jeremy Lwin weighed in on the Twitter conversation later in the day.

“We deeply regret the inclusion of bottled water in the Peel & Win competition,” he tweeted.

“Any student who would like to discuss refunds, or possible inclusion in the second chance draw is welcome to swing by my office, where I observe a strict open door policy,” he continued.

66 Now Comes With Roof Racks “This is clearly the only solution to the problem,” a spokesperson for Translink explained.

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