Semper 2018: Green Edition

How to Have UQ Building to a Great How Grading TheDate Plot toon Kill Change Name/ p. 6Head to Head: p. 7 on Inconsistencies New Monarchist Campus Student/Events Disadvantage UQ Club takes on UQ Campus Students Republican Club

The Death of Good Food At UQ / p. 4

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Edition 2, 2018. Since 1932. Free.

NEWS

Acknowledgement of Country Semper acknowledges the Turrbal and Jagera peoples as the traditional owners of the land on which this newspaper is created. We pay our respects to elders past and present.

Editor’s Note Contents

Our Team

This week, the Queensland State Archives asked me to allow them to showcase some Semper illustrations from the 70s as part of a residency program for an artist named Matt Mawson.

Of course, I was hardly able to refuse this request. Partly because I’m a mere custodian of Mr Mawson’s and all other former contributors’ works for this year alone, but also because I appreciated the works for their cultural importance.

The works that we have released to the State Archives were, by and large, protests against the Bjelke-Petersen regime of the 70s and 80s. Regardless of your politics, or where you’re from, these works should represent an important cultural touchstone for you as a Queenslander.

It was an honour to be able to release these works to the State Archives, but it was an honour that I think all UQ students should be able to share.

There are so many opportunities to get involved at this great university. I hope that forty years from now, you can look back, as I’m sure Matt Mawson is now, and realise that your journey started here.

In related news, our offices are now open! We’re just outside the Red Room, and our doors are open to anyone who wants to write, edit, or illustrate Semper.

-Rowan Evans

Editor in Chief Rowan Evans

Letters 3 News 4 Queer 6 Women’s 6 Sex 7 Tear-out Poster 8 Puzzles 10 Regulars 11 Union Pages 12 Comedy 14 Write for us!

Message the Semper Floreat facebook page, or drop into our new offices near the Red Room

Editors Alexander Asher, Oscar Green, Xander Hayward, Amelie Lonsdale, Richard Lawson, Morgan Pendergast, Kayla Reimann, Amy Sienkiewicz-Grob, Raphael Wixted Cover Art Tessa Clarkson Printer Print on Demand, UQ St Lucia Publisher Semper is published by the UQ Union President, Jeremy Lwin With Thanks Lisa Steele, Tom Pumpa and the QUT Guild Sports Department, all the boys down at Runcorn 4113 Disclaimer

The views expressed in this publication are the personal opinions of the authors. They do not necessarily reflect the views of the editor or the views of UQU. All articles are to be considered opinionative in nature. All articles remain the intellectual property of the authors.

HUSS x UNSA

h c n u a L The APO Wednesday 28th, 7:00-11:30pm

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UQ SOCIAL LAWN BOWLS CLUB

LAWNCH PARTY

Forgan Smith Lawns Thursday 1st, 4:30-8:30pm

West Toowong Bowls Club Sunday 4th, 3:00-6:00pm

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Letters to the Editor Many of them of the online variety.

On Titles

Retraction

ROWAN EVANS - Editor in Chief

In our O-Week edition, we ran an article that characterised the office that manages UQ’s room bookings as a slow-moving, fun-policing bureaucracy that is so out of touch with the way clubs work that they asked every club on campus to finalise room bookings by December 17.

The Head of Teaching Space Management contacted us after publication to inform us that they only asked for clubs to finalise all bookings by February 12.

Semper would like to apologise to readers, and clarify that the office that manages UQ’s room bookings is a slow-moving, fun-policing bureaucracy that is so out of touch with the way clubs work that they asked every club on campus to finalise room bookings by February 12.

Re: My Open Door Policy

JEREMY LWIN - UQU President

Nobody’s come up to visit me yet, so please mention my open door policy in Semper again.

Want to get published?

You can reach the editors over Facebook, or by emailing semper@uqu.com.au.

Or, you can walk straight into our offices outside the Red Room.

Send us your stories, or just let us know your opinions on the latest edition.

ZACHARY THOMAS - Governance ‘Officer’ I marked with incredulity your not-so-subtle jab at my cryptic crossword solving abilities in the first edition of Semper, and your references to me in recent online articles.

In both of these instances, you referred to me as the ‘Union Governance Officer’, however, my title is actually the Director of Union Governance, which I feel has a certain nuance to it.

Kind Regards, Zach Thomas Response: Zach, we’ll be sure to refer to you by any other title you make up for yourself as well.

Cheers, Rowan and the team

Apology

ROWAN EVANS - Editor in Chief

Someone (presumably an Arts student) called up the UQ Union reception desk last week to complain about a joke in the O-Week edition.

Our helpful receptionist tried to patch this call through to the Semper office. Our office, however, lacks a phone. From the already-furious caller’s perspective, it probably seemed like they were hung up on.

The juvenile joke that this caller complained about was one that drew a distinction between Medical students and Arts students. Specifically, a Medical student risks dropping a scalpel in a live human being after graduation, while an Arts student only risks dropping a burger patty.

This was a pretty shallow joke, and we should have been more respectful. Obviously, after three years of university, you’ll be unlikely to drop the burger patties you’ll be working with after graduation.

Comment of the Week “omfg finally a semper 2 shine a light on how cooked stu pol is” - Rosie Posie, Facebook

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NEWS

The Union Complex Rebuild The University’s plan to come in like a wrecking ball.

RAPHAEL WIXTED - Student Interest Editor As part of their commitment to Creating Change™, the University administration announced in 2016 that the UQ Union Complex was due for a complete demolition and reconstruction in 2017.

You probably know the UQ Union Complex as ‘the place where Guzman y Gomez lives’. But the Complex is also a monument to the age-old institutions of student journalism (Semper), and student alcoholism (the Red Room).

Despite the Complex’s amiable charm, and some fifty years of heritage, the University has deemed that any building not made of sandstone has an expiry date. For the Union Complex, that date was supposed to be April 2017.

If you failed to notice the UQ Union Complex being completely demolished in April last year, well, so did we. Plans to begin work on the most comprehensive project of the UQ Master Plan have been delayed indefinitely. Stakeholders raised concerns about funding, key interest groups objected, and, in all likelihood, some builders probably turned up a few weeks late.

But the indefinite delay is not a cancellation. At some point, probably in the uni life of this year’s freshers, students will have to go without their regular source of good food and good grog.

Some student societies keenly feel this problem, because they rely on the spaces offered by the Complex. The Union Complex is home to the Schonell Theatre, which offers space for film screenings and theatre productions. Underground Productions, a student theatre company, relies on the

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Schonell Theatre for its shows. That relationship might be coming to an end.

“We’ve been trying to get information out of [the University] for the past two years, but they seemed to be reluctant to give it without a firm plan” a former president of Underground told Semper.

“It’s been good to have some certainty though, even if we disagree with parts of it,” she said.

She’s referring to the omission of a theatre from the latest draft plans, one of a string of such cuts made to drastically reduce the projected cost of the new facility.

We asked UQ Union President Jeremy Lwin about those estimates.

“The Student Union understands that the price of the proposed complex has grown to be infeasible for the Administration at this point,” President Lwin told Semper.

“So a simplified plan has been proposed. Three floors removed, and a significant amount of what would otherwise be space reserved for use by students, their Union, and its outlets,” he said.

That compromise may be necessary for UQ’s budgeting, but students have good reason to remain ambivalent.

“Our concern at this point is that creative clubs and other major productions, like Law Revue, may have to perform at Griffith for as long as we don’t have a theatre,” President Lwin said.

“The project might be completed in five years, but students and faculty will be stuck with the result for 50. It’s worth doing right the first time,” he said.

But if the University completes the Master Plan, our student productions may not be left without a theatre. The Master Plan calls for a Riverstage (bigger and more powerful than QUT’s) and a new ‘arts and cultural facility’ (spoiler alert: it’s replacing a car park), but there’s no knowing how long our creative societies will have to wait around.

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Conference Centre To Change Name OSCAR GREEN - Cultural Editor Bipartisan discussions among student politicians have led to an in-principle agreement to rename the Aung San Suu Kyi Conference Centre in the UQ Union Complex.

You probably learned about Aung San Suu Kyi in primary school. At the time, she was considered a martyr of democracy. The narrative was that she had endured over a decade of house arrest, simply for daring to nominate herself as a candidate for elections in Myanmar.

The international community responded with outrage. Aung San Suu Kyi won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1991 for her struggles, and even more impressively, a building at this prestigious university was named after her.

But since her detention finally ended in 2010, Aung San Suu Kyi has developed quite a bit of political power. Despite a number of legal hurdles created by her opposition, she rose to one of the two highest offices in the country.

And that’s where the problems started for Aung San Suu Kyi. After so many years of being a mistreated outsider, she now stands at the helm of a country committing atrocities against the minority population of Rohingya Muslims.

Political figures the world over are calling for Aung San Suu Kyi to lose the Nobel Peace Prize, and more locally, UQ students are calling for her name to be stripped from the campus’s Conference Centre.

You might not recognise the name of the Conference Centre itself. It usually goes by the names “Holt Room”, “Innes Room”, or “Those exam rooms that keep the Red Room smokers’ deck shut for three weeks”.

But the name persists on a small sign out the front, a plaque inside, and on the UQ Maps website.

Hamza Surbuland started the push to change the name. “[It’s] vital because very simply, My-

anmar, our regional neighbour, has literally eliminated an entire population due to their religion and ethnicity,” Mr Surbuland told Semper.

“Aung Sang Suu Kyi, as the figurehead of the Burmese government, has consistently denied, downplayed and justified this ethnic cleansing.

“In hindsight, we mourn past catastrophes such as the Rwandan genocide or Srebrenica massacre with great moral clarity.

“But it is our response amid a present humanitarian catastrophe which really defines our moral worth.

“While changing the name of this building is but a step of symbolic significance, it is what we can do with the power we have.

“It sends a message that our university will not tolerate intolerance, that our actions live up to our values,” he said.

UQ Union Council will vote on the issue on Tuesday, February 27.

New Insights: The Nakanai Ranges KAYLA REIMANN - Travel and Adventure Editor There aren’t many places left in the world that still bring the ‘Wow’ factor. Almost every waterfall features on some click bait buzzfeed list. It’s only on the rare, exhilarating trek into truly wild places that someone stumbles across cascades like these ones.

Nestled in the Nakanai ranges of East New Britain, Papua New Guinea, the waterfalls of the Tuke region gained an audience only after an exploratory expedition. The only way in is a three hour walk from Baia Sport Fishing Lodge or an hour helicopter ride from the nearest town, Kimbe. From above, mammoth cascades emerge from caves in the cliff faces, and dangerously large sink holes become apparent. This is a land where the nearest shop is days away, where toddlers play with Goliath beetles and monster moths, and where the cacophony of bird song urges you on.

The second expedition into Tuke was initiated by local landowners to meet with conservation organisation, Wild Ark, and ecotourism operator, Riccard Reimann. Locals there, having seen the destruction caused by overseas logging

operations on West New Britain’s south coast, were eager to discuss how the 42,000 acres surrounding their waterfalls could be marked as protected. Based in a coastal town, Reimann, was finally welcomed to the mountains by the unmatched beauty which it has managed to hide. ‘The jungle looked like Jurassic Park or something out of Avatar, and the sink holes below were so large that they were able to manage their own microclimate,’ he explained.

From the air, these gargantuan gaps in the forest floor are scarily apparent.

Landing inside the abyss would not be ideal. The height also offers perspective, showing that the powerful stream does not follow a straight fall line. Rather, a complex network of bright blue weaves between an expansive myriad of green.

The water catches a glimpse of sunlight before plunging into some of the biggest sink holes in the Southern Hemisphere.

A few kilometres ahead, a streak of blue colours the jungle again and the stream continues placidly for a while. Sunlight scintillates from the surface, then rushes away into a dark underground system,

emerging further downstream where locals wait. Kids dangle their feet over the colossal mouth of a 20-storey cave, watching as water surges out to finally meet the light again. The stream takes every plunge, fall and multi-step series on its meander down from the mountains – with most movement remaining completely unmapped.

Community spokesperson, Thomas Telgonu, emphasised how dependent their livelihood is on the land, stating, ‘Our rainforest is the source of our heritage, daily life and meaning. We want to see our land protected from logging, while still providing opportunities for our children.’ The whole situation is the perfect example of how a balanced arrangement includes both profit and prosperity in the picture. A steady income stream generated from small scale eco-tourism ventures will offer access to medical and educational resources, without the predicament of a Paradise lost.

That is the kind of future which Tuke’s cascades promise, and perhaps humanity has much to learn from this remote mountain community.

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NEWS

What to Expect If You’re Unaccepted AMELIE LONSDALE - Queer Issues Editor “You need to understand how hard this is for me.” That’s what my mother told me after I asked her to treat me as a woman. After a few months of her refusing to use my name or my pronouns, I visited home to press the issue. I stayed a few days, until mum and I had a shouting fight and she asserted that I’m not a woman and never could be. After that, I put on my favourite dress, walked an hour down the highway with my luggage, got on a bus, and haven’t spoken to her since (except when she texted me on my birthday. She’s still a bitch, so nothing’s changed).

Society has taken leaps and bounds when it comes to accepting LGBTQIA+ people, but there are still many individuals who aren’t there yet. individuals who, for whatever reason, find great difficulty in treating us with basic decency. And sometimes these will be people you know, people you love, people you hoped you could turn to for support in a time of your life

as tumultuous as your coming out. And that fucking sucks, honestly, but there are ways to deal with it.

When dealing with individuals like this it’s important to try and recognise whether the problem they have is caused by ignorance or malice. It’s much easier to change the mind of ignorant people than malicious ones. My girlfriend Kate had to teach her family a few things when she came out, but they’ve taken it on board (like my mum refuses to). “Even though I had to educate my family a lot,” she said, “they’ve always been willing to listen and learn. It’s honestly been really good for my mental health.”

Unfortunately, not everyone is willing to be educated. If that happens, the best thing to do is distance yourself from those people as much as possible. It’s really hard to drop those strong emotional bonds but, ultimately, if they can’t accept you then you’re better off without

them. My friend Maddie once said “Family are just the first people you meet in life. You end up spending a lot of time with them, but there’s actually nothing special about them.”

I miss the relationship I had with my Mum, but she decided she wanted to drag me down, so I cut her out and my life has been better ever since.

At the end of the day, you need to take care of yourself first. Don’t be afraid to cut out toxic people who make you doubt yourself if you can do so safely. And surround yourself with kind, supportive people while you’re at it. The UQU Queer Collective is chock full of them.

And keep your chin up. It’s not always easy, but if you don’t let the haters get you down, then you’ll find the world to be a much brighter place.

A Woman’s Take: Gun Violence AMY SIENKIEWICZ-GROB - Women’s Editor So normally, I would be writing an article for women, by a woman, focused on women and women’s issues.

But this week I couldn’t. This week I couldn’t, because on the 14th of February 2018, seventeen students and teachers were gunned down in Stoneman Douglas High School, Florida. The shooting lasted six minutes and is now classified as one of the deadliest shootings in US history.

As horrendous and senseless a tragedy as this was, it did not occur on Australian soil. Australians did not die and Australian University students were not harmed or directly affected by the shooting. So why write about a mass shooting that occurred in the United States that affected American citizens and resulted in the death of American high school students and teachers?

Why write an article about the death of 17 individuals — the result of another mass shooting in the United States? Because, this time it is different. And this time, we all need to take notice.

In the week following the shooting, anyone who frequents any social media outlet, would have seen the outpouring of support and ‘prayers’, the call for action and stricter gun laws, as well as the individuals convinced they are ‘protecting’ their second amendment right by attacking those of us who believe more needs to be done.

It is a ritual played out over social media and across media outlets whenever an event such as the one on February 14 occurs.

People fight for stricter gun control while their counterparts argue that ‘guns don’t kill people, people kill people.’ It can also be safely predicted that after the dust has settled and

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every faceless man has had his chance to share his piece, the rawness of the tragedy will fade for everyone but the victims left behind, who must pick up the pieces of what is left while another news cycle begins.

But this time is different. This time we must take notice. This time, among the survivors, those affected by this shooting, are a group of teenagers who watched their fellow peers become victims of a system that failed to protect them from a man with a gun.

These survivors aren’t just victims, they’re quickly becoming revolutionaries. They have organised walkouts and interviews. They have spoken in town hall meetings, calling out their senate representatives as well as their president. They have proposed bills and advocated for stricter legislation. Teenagers, many younger than any student at this university, travelled to Washington D.C. in order to express their anger, frustration, and fear to the President himself. And they don’t look like they’re about to stop.

For the first time in US history, teenagers, victims of a mass shooting, are standing up and asking for their government to be held accountable. They want change. They demand change. And the world is sitting on the edge of their seats waiting to see if this time it will be different.

And why should we take notice? Because this time it feels different. People offer their prayers and condolences while two oppositions argue the many sides of what stricter gun control really entails and whether we should have it. But the side arguing for?

Well, they’re our constituents.

These teenagers, demanding to be heard, some already old enough to vote, others only a

few years younger than any first year, are part of our generation. They, like us, are paving the way for the generations who will come in our stead. Pioneering change, advocating for freedom, equality and demanding more.

These kids, like us, are part of a generation accused of spending too much on soy lattes and avocado on toast, while prices continue to increase and wages fail to compensate.

These kids, like us, live in a world dominated by social media perpetuating our fundamental need to be liked and accepted. These kids, while they may not live in our country or go to our schools, are part of our generation, our future, and one day we will stand side by side as the world’s leaders, politicians, scientists, humanitarians and activists. The decisions we make now, and the ones made for us, will affect what that future looks like.

So we should take notice. It is our duty to take notice. Young people, just like us, are standing up and fighting for their future. A future we will help shape. So we should take notice. Not only because we should support their fight. Not just because we can relate to them on a societal level. We should take notice because while we struggle to get up at 6am just to make it for our first 8am lecture.

And while we agonise over our decision to complete a degree we aren’t certain is exactly ‘right’ for us yet but are still hoping it will help us on a path to possibly making a difference in the world, these kids are already doing it.

SEMPER

Love & Relationships Help from the Love Professor

Get your advice at http://LoveProfessor.sarahah.com/

Love ‘Professor’, Rather than judge me on “quali- hydrated. You can also stretch! Sex is What qualifications do you fications”, read the articles and let exercise, and, if you want to stay unme know what you think on the harmed, you need to stay limber. actually hold?

For the unfortunate times when

- Openly Dubious Semper Floreat Facebook page.

Openly, there’s a few answers I could give you here. I could tell you that I did my undergraduate in Romance at The University of Vienna and my Masters of Sex at Duke University. It might get a laugh, who knows.

The real answer is that the only qualifications I hold are that I’m someone who has loved and lost, and now I’m being presented with an opportunity to provide practical advice for others.

Love Professor, Sometimes when I’m down and dirty I’ll cramp up. How can I avoid this?

- Wilderness Adventure Cramp Cramps during sex are frustrating, Wilderness, but luckily there’s a few good ways to deal with them.

Before things get started, make sure that you’ve drunk lots of water.

Not so much that it’s gonna make you feel sick during the act, but stay

it does happen, don’t panic! Take a break from whatever was causing the cramp. Change position — maybe use your hands or mouth for a bit while you recover.

For especially bad cramps, it’s okay to end the session there. There is no finish-line in sex, despite what you may have been told about orgasms.

If you can, try to see the humour in it. Sex isn’t always serious and laughing about it can turn an awkward moment into a wholesome memory.

Just the Tips

The Love Professor’s Guide to: Dating on a Uni Student budget

Love Professor, How do I impress someone on a first date without spending a lot of money?

- Broke Uni Student

Hi, Broke I’m gonna stop you right there. If you spend your dates trying to impress people, you’re probably just boring them. Dates shouldn’t be all about ‘The Spectacle of You’, they should be about getting to know each other.

With that in mind, dating on a shoestring budget isn’t as hard as people make it out to be. It might rule out dinner and a movie, but that’s a chump’s game anyway. As far as I’m concerned, a good date should have at least two of these three ingredients, and I asked the UQU Vice President of Campus Culture, Paige Howard, to share her thoughts on how you can find these ingredients on campus.

Opportunity for conversation

If you’re not getting to know them, what’s the point? If there’s a lull, the next two can help with that.

“I went on a coffee date once with a boy who knew nothing about coffee,” Paige tells me.

“He ordered an espresso. I got a chai latte.

“He quickly learnt his mistake, and we spent the rest of the date discussing how to order the best coffee,” she said.

So there you have it — even if you don’t have a topic of conversation ready to go, be prepared to learn something.

Something pretty to look at (besides your date)

A good view can set the mood and make your time together run that little bit smoother.

“Obviously, the best place to view is the Lakes,” Paige said.

“But if you’re feeling like you’ve found the special someone, you should view the Lakes from Level 5 of the Advanced Engineering Building.

“Just don’t get yourself locked out on the verandah!”

A shared activity

Doing something together is fun. It provides you with a chance to bond, and, if you’re not into the date, then you still get to enjoy yourself.

“There’s always fun events happening on campus, but if you can’t find one that suits you, even just sitting on the grass can be fun,” Paige advises.

“Once I had a nice date with a boy just sitting under a tree, sharing our lunch together,” she said.

So there you have it, Broke — you go to a great university where you can start a date with a walk around the most beautiful lakes in Brisbane, and you can finish it with a picnic. You’re gonna do fine, but remember the most important thing is that you and your date enjoy yourselves!

- Love Professor

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UQ Mates Organisers Distract Selves From Boredom Of Own Event To Point Of Not Noticing Semper Team Walk In And Take Bottle Of Juice For Editing Night Downstairs Picture: Raphael Wixted This tear-out poster is to commemorate the only fun that was had at Gamesfest 2018.

PUZZLES

Cryptic Crossword Authored by J.E.

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22. Pain in the morning finding an average royal. (7) 24. A third of a game that sounds desirable for 17 a (3) 26. Whatever mid-Knee click (3) 27. Ships good for parties starters (11) 29. Fight a bout about moving stock (7) 30. Venue of Chicken: buk buk, Frog: red-it red-it (7)

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ACROSS 1. Someone with good suggestions, says to include sunshade (7) 5. Dance like time to help maintain balanced floatation (7) 9. Lite yoghurt perhaps but a calendar event (7,4) 10. Time is lost on, them being stuck. (3) 11. Without you, you’d know the 10th letter. (3) 12. Nobel peace prizewinner adds a faulter to this romantic gesture. (7) 13. Improving in favour or what Van Dyke said about his.

(3,7,2,2) 17. What has to be done as men sing with double time and finally ask for an essay perhaps. (10,4)

DOWN 1. Piece of parchment that is bow-shaped (3) 2. Levels of music found in 30a (7) 3. Some take unnessary delays, you’ll find initally to make a detailed analysis of the subject. (5) 4. Do newer, fixed to give again (2-5) 5. Sister of confused bear finds illegal entry (5-2) 6. Fix leaks but still find water around the place (5) 7. Mini and Sam together believe in spiritual beings (7) 8. Hint: Gee mixed object (5) 10. What Roman call to neighbours when they see a green sky. (4) 14. Algerian popular music, played mostly by what follows 10d (3) 15. Sailor went about, caught (3) 16. Yes, the corral where the gun fight was (4) 18. One of Hide and seek variations is fun but a bit fishy (7) 19. Elect to use the last bit of timing will result in omission or failure to care. (7) 20. Tenth rally, will keep them engaged (7) 21. Adam grabs an ale and takes a walk in the shade of trees (7) 22. Alcohol QED (5) 23. When you here one musically vocalize, it is the topping (5) 25. Out of a company heading up a drunken bar appears an old irish heir. (5) 28. The reason this clue is sitting in the corner. (3)

Quick Clues

Edition 1 Solution:

The same crossword made simpler.

ACROSS 1. One with academic suggestions (7) 5. Aid to provide draft in ship (7) 9. Seven days of social quality (7,4) 10. Turn up and sew down fabric (3) 11. 10th letter of Hebrew alphabet (3) 12. Romantic gesture. (7) 13. Improving in favour (3,7,2,2) 17. The allotted work (10,4) 22. Space for vehicle. (7) 24. Involuntary movement (3) 26. One or more without specification (3) 27. Party starters (11) 29. Move stock (7) 30. A collection of manuscripts (7)

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DOWN 1. Part of circle (3) 2. Something that is very evident (idiom) (7) 3. Apply one’s self to learning (5) 4. To fund again (2-5) 5. Illegal entry (5-2) 6. Areas of water around UQ (5) 7. Belief in spiritual beings (7) 8. Object (5) 10. Frozen precipitation (4) 14. Algerian popular music (3) 15. Dismissed in cricket (3) 16. Informal agreement (4) 18. A type of fish (7) 19. Failure to care. (7)

20. Remain engaged (7) 21. A walk in the shade of trees esp.

S.W. USA (7) 22. Standard strength of alcohol (5) 23. Cake topping (5) 25. An old Irish heir. (5) 28. Timid. (3)

SEMPER

Sudoku

Clubs Spotlight: UQ Mafia

Edition 1 Solution:

MARKET DAY

UQ Mafia is a safe haven for all of the University’s crime enthusiasts, fans of The Godfather, and black hearted thieves.

The club is dedicated to playing Mafia, a game of lies and murder, and other similar games at their weekly meetings on campus.

More of a social club than a games club, UQ Mafia’s goal is creating a lasting social circle. People from any discipline or background are sure to make friends through UQ Mafia.

Meetings are open to the public and the games are easy to learn. If you’re any good at lying, or you want to learn how, be sure to make it along to one of their weekly meetups on campus.

UQ Mafia holds two different meetings every week - a daytime meeting in the Natural Amphitheater, and, starting in week three, nightly meetings every Friday.

Rather than having a set time for their day meetings, UQ Mafia polls their members every week on their Facebook page to ensure that the time chosen is always best for everyone.

In 2017, their first year as a club, UQ Mafia was nominated for “Best New Club”, though they lost narrowly to their rivals - the UQ Criminology & Criminal Justice Society.

“It would be a crime not to join,” says President and Godfather Davis Dingle.

The Hartley Tickle Gossip columnists Phoebe and Leslie are here to tantalise your taste for drama Classes are in and students are out. As 2018 has kicked off with the biggest O-Week yet, drama has inevitably followed. Luckily for you, the Hartley Tickle is here to keep you up to date on the latest goss and the biggest parties.

The week of launch parties swung into gear with UQLS competing with UQBA, PSA and Econ Society. Club executives were seen glued to their phones, avidly checking Snapchat to confirm that their event was still better. “Oh yeah, mate ours has a way better dance floor” both parties were heard saying, whlie none of their executives joined in the dancing.

Dancing was rife as drinks flowed at the UQMAS, EBESS, UQIES and NAMSA launch party. Dave Cole, from the UQ Innovation and Entrepreneurial Society, was caught once again pestering guests with an eftpos machine in an attempt to get them to support his latest startup.

Luckily enough for Dave, UQ MESS President Oscar Carr was able to donate a single hair from his red mane. These strands are reportedly fetching a cash value of $5,000 on the black market, and each is in-

sured for approximately $20,000.

Later that night, Dave was seen chasing Oscar’s mane with some scissors. Thankfully the only death was that of Dave’s dignity.

Drama has broken out in the Clubs and Societies realm. With reports leaking that the ‘UQ Thong Appreciation Society’ was created in response to the EUS launch forbidding members to wear thongs.

Controversy erupted on the event page as members were barred from donning the humble Australian icon, despite the event description inviting them to “Slap on ya thongs”. Rumor has it that EUS Social Marnie Stollznow is currently attempting to track down the creators of the society and steal all thongs involved. We reached out to Marnie for comment but sadly the only distinguishable words that could be understood were “enclosed” and “shoes”. However, it appears that the new Thong Appreciation Society is just some lad who just gets around a good thong, completely oblivious to the unfolding drama. We would recommend hiding all non-enclosed footwear as Marnie is on the hunt.

11

UNION

President’s Report

Jeremy Lwin

Congratulations on making it to week 2!

Believe it or not, a lot of university students never make it this far. 40% of first years who scored above an OP12 won’t make it to the end of this year. That’s one of the many reasons the UQ Union exists.

Our goal, by the end of this year, is to improve our campus life to such an extent that people start coming to campus again, instead of sitting at home watching their lectures online. We’ve had an outstanding start to the year with a record 35,000 students signing up to one of our 210 club and societies, 4,000 people in attendance at our UQU Great Court Party and over 3,500 loyalty card sales. Not many people realise this but we only employ about nine full-time equivalent staff members to make all of O-Week happen. That might seem like a lot, but compared to other departments in the University, our efficiency is off any reasonable chart.

We can do this because, where most other entities within the University and at other universities spend a lot of their time paying staff to think about what students want, your Union spends most

of its time implementing what students want. By virtue of being an organisation run, led and owned by students, we already have a good idea of what students want. We have to take just a few seconds to think, which means less time (and money) spent running focus groups and seeking boardroom approval. That is a massive competitive advantage.

What makes UQU special is the many student volunteers and young leaders who are driving our campus culture day in and day out! UQ Union offers the leaders of tomorrow a real chance to put themselves and their ideas out to the world. I urge you to be a part of this too, we are always open to new ideas for clubs, events and campaigns.

The unfortunate reality, however, is that despite our unrivalled efficiency and unique, student-focused position we get less funding than other organisations that apply for access to your SSAF (the compulsory fee SI-net charges you each semester). Because of this, we are incredibly stretched for resources. And most students complain about our use

of your SSAF funding because we’re the only actor anyone actually notices on campus. Our budgets are online and open for everyone to see, however you would have to submit a freedom of information request to find out how the rest of your SSAF it is spent by the University.

So the for the rest of your time at University pay attention to how much of your campus experience is influenced by the UQ Union, Clubs, Societies and Collectives, and how much of your experience is influenced by everything else, and if the balance is more than 20% in favour of the former, think about if you’re getting value for money out of your amenities fees.

I have been working hard with our Managing Director, Glenn, to develop some medium- to long-term strategies for the UQ Union around campus experience and I will be expanding a bit more on this in my next report. For now, though, enjoy week 2! Personally, I haven’t had time to sign on to classes yet but it’s on the todo list. If you do see me, please take the chance to say hello — I’m always keen for a chat. - JL

Opposition Leader’s Report

Duncan Hart

It’s been a busy start to the university year for Student Action, hitting the ground running in collaboration with the National Union of Students’ (NUS) campaign against the federal government’s cuts to university funding. NUS is organising rallies right around the country for March 21 to call for an end to the capping of student places and a dropping the proposal for student loans to be repaid earlier. The cap on places will cost the university sector $2.2 billion over the next two years, which means a lower quality education for everybody and thousands of students missing out on uni altogether.

We’ve also been concerned about the decision of the right-wing incumbents in the UQ Union to create an “Independent Clubs and Societies Governance Com-

mittee”, chocked with members of the Labor Right and Liberals, which banned over 20 clubs from having stalls on Market Day. While I am informed that most of the affected clubs were inactive, two were explicitly left-wing political clubs.

Given these two at least are clearly active, and aren’t accused of any actual misdemeanour, the decision of the Union’s new committee can be seen as at best a heavy-handed over-reaction, and at worst a blatantly partisan attack against their political rivals that risks bringing the Union into disrepute.

Members of Student Action have also been involved in this past week in showing solidarity with the union of university staff, the National Tertiary Education Union (NTEU), who are planning indus-

trial action. The UQ Administration has offered staff a paltry 1.75% annual pay increase, which is below inflation, and no improvement on the rampant casualization levels. Students would likely be very surprised to know that approximately half of UQ staff are employed on fixed term contracts or as casuals. Student Action is of the firm belief that better conditions for staff mean improved conditions for students, and we will endeavour to keep students informed about the NTEU’s campaign and any opportunities students might have to show solidarity.

Any student wanting to find out more about the protests for university education can follow the Student Action Facebook page or email me at duncan.hart90@ gmail.com

Union Council will meet in the Innes Room on February 27th That’s this Tuesday! All students welcome.

12

SEMPER

Campus Culture Vice President’s Report Paige Howard The start of year is always a funny time for me. At first, it’s hard to believe our humble Great Court could fit 210 clubs into it on Market Day. A week later, when the launch parties commence, it seems even harder to believe that 210 clubs have so expertly filled up my calendar.

Plenty of great launch events have taken place already this year, and many are still to come. I can’t name all of them, so I won’t try, but I have to speak to the feather in my cap, which was the Great Court Party.

If I thought it was hard to believe the Great Court could fit 210 clubs, I never would have believed it would fit 4,500 students who were so keen to party. And party we did.

But I can’t take all of the credit for this one. I have to thank all of the Clubs and Societies that put in such a spectacular

effort in selling tickets, and keeping the party going in the VIP areas. We couldn’t have done it without you.

Selling out the Great Court Party means that every student on campus has more money to spend. That’s right, you get money. At the end of the day, the UQ Union is a not-for-profit with only one focus: a better life for students.

So, the next time you see a big event on campus or a new advocacy project get the green light, you can thank the Great Court Party.

If you have any ideas of your own about how we might spend that money, I would recommend taking advantage of President Jeremy Lwin’s open door policy.

You might have read my dating advice on page 7 of this edition, where I mentioned that great events are always

happening at UQ. On that note, this Thursday, I recommend getting down to Food on Forgan! The UQ Union is bringing food trucks onto the front lawns of the University. If you’ve met that special someone since uni started, I can guarantee a relaxed vibe with some great food.

If you haven’t met that special someone yet, then this is a great opportunity to meet people! Trust me, all the coolest people on campus are heading to Food on Forgan.

Finally, best of luck to everyone launching their club events this week! I’m excited to see what you all come up with, and I hope to get to as many of them as possible. Campus Culture at UQ would be impossible without you.

- Paige

QUT Guild Appreciation Director’s Report Sven Warona As head of the UQ Union’s Department for QUT Guild Appreciation, I’d like to draw attention to a few great features of our sister organisation.

Firstly, they are one of the foremost monastic institutions in the Brisbane City area. Not a day goes by where the Guild does not preach their commitment to not applying for any SSAF money.

If you’re unaware, the SSAF is a compulsory fee that the Government takes from students, and gives back to universities to distribute among major organisations on campus.

Students at every university pay this fee, regardless of whether their student representatives accept funding from the university.

Frankly, all the members of the Guild Appreciaton Department are in complete awe of the Guild’s dedication to this ascetic lifestyle.

Some would say student representatives have a duty, nay, a responsibility, to ensure that the money levied by the SSAF is put to good use.

After all, students pay the money whether or not an organisation partakes

in the split, so to the unitiated, faithless heathen, it would seem only appropriate that student representatives get their hands back on the wheel to drive that money back into great deals for students.

But, the Guild, enlightened as they are, dedicate themselves with such fervour to their vow of poverty that they will not sway on the issue of the SSAF. So, here’s to the QUT Guild! A student organisation who puts its values first.

-Sven

Reports of People We Met At The RE As told to Raphael Wixted Here at Semper Floreat, we like to consider ourselves a Respectable Institution, the kind of revered organisation that would have phrases like “Pillar of Society” embossed in our eulogy. Generally speaking, such institutions prefer to associate exclusively with their peers, so it’s lucky for us that Brisbane’s inner-west is home to another such Cultural Touchstone. A Sandstone Lighthouse in the proverbial dark, a beam of Intellectual Enlightenment to students and the public alike.

The Royal Exchange Hotel.

Last Wednesday, we took it upon ourselves to reach out to the Royal’s loyal patronage, and bring to the UQ student body those thoughts, opinions, and innebriations which we feel strike the balance between truth and garbage.

Offering those pearls were an elite group of students who think the post O-Week comedown is a rough time that warrants a night of hard drinking. Questions as to their reasons for doing so gave some painfully relatable results.

“I am four pints and four shots in, because I’m irresponsible and make bad decisions” Michelle* told Semper, and her honesty didn’t stop there. “I have literally never been to a lecture... I don’t even listen [to recordings]. I just read the slides”.

A bold claim from someone who at that point in time appeared to have lost all functional literacy.

Stuart was decidedly more brash about his capacity to process the nights beverage of choice. “I’ve got a half….a quarter of a jug left. I have a lecture at 8am tomorrow so the plan is to go home by midnight. But I don’t mind being hungover at lectures. Just being at a lecture is a good start”.

We have to agree with him there.

There’s no one to loudly exclaim your ongoing intoxication to at 9am the next day if you stay at home, although doing so wouldn’t necessarily mean less people believe/care.

While such thoughts are no doubt relatable to some Semper readers, it must

be said that our choice of venue may have skewed the data set. In search of more universal responses, we pursued a line of questioning any Australian resident could get behind; what in fuck is Barnaby up to.

“He should join the Sex Party” opined one patron - advice Semper would willingly share with old Barny if we were more sure he wouldn’t mistake it for an offer. “No one respects you” admonishes another. “If I were him, I’d retire and go live on a farm.” That seemed to be a common theme - other suggestions including he take a long holiday in Hawaii - in people’s opinions just days before his resignation. In contrast to many other, less reputable publications, we’d like to congratulate him on that. Specifically, we’d like to congratulate him on finally achieving a level of political literacy on par with the kind of People You Meet At The RE.

13

COMEDY

Speculator

St Lucia

UQ’s other news source since 1933

PhD Candidate Finally Bored Enough To Complete SI-Net Plagiarism Module A PhD student at the University of Queensland has finally succumbed to boredom and attempted the mandatory SI-Net plagiarism module.

After 6 years at UQ, Harriet McDuff applied for the Neuroscience PhD program in January.

“I just sort of logged into SInet to see how my application was looking, and thought ‘why not?’,” Ms McDuff told

the Speculator.

It wasn’t the first time Ms McDuff had attempted the module either.

“During my Masters, I got about halfway through the module, but I was distracted by the paint drying on a nearby wall,” she explained.

At press time, Ms McDuff was enjoying the student body’s fastest login to SI-Net.

Student Who Swore 2018 Would Be Different Up To Date On Lectures For Last Time This Semester A third year student who promised himself that this would be the year he stopped procrastinating is about to attend his final lecture for the semester.

Bill Oregano, a Bachelor of Communications student, has struggled with lecture attendance for years.

So far this semester, Mr Oregano has successfully attended every lecture and has read every reading that was assigned in the first week of the academic year.

Unknown to Mr Oregano, however,

this streak will abruptly end following a lecture today, when he goes out with mates instead of attending a tutorial.

Tomorrow, Mr Oregano will skip a few readings on the grounds that he is too hungover to properly understand them.

Contrary to his belief that this semester would be game-changer, this will mark the fourth semester in a row that Mr Oregano has attempted to take his academic career seriously, before ultimately returning to his old ways.

Despite repeated Facebook status updates during O-Week committing to his new academic lifestyle, Mr Oregano will be spending SWOTVAC watching lecture recordings on 2x speed.

At press time, Mr Oregano was opening up Facebook on his laptop as the lecturer began explaining the key concept for the week.

Labor Right Confesses Undying Love For Labor Left: “We Only Ever Wanted To Play Hard To Get” After six months of agony, the UQ Labor Right faction has posted a sobbing diatribe on Snapchat this weekend explaining that the faction thinks they might have blown it with Labor Left.

“We only ever wanted to play hard to get,” they explained through tears.

“We just wish it could be how it was in the old days when we’d hold hands on Market Day and share the love,” they continued in their shockingly raw Snapchat story.

“Please please please please please

14

take us back,” they groaned out as their voice began to crack.

The Labor Left Club did not immediately respond to the Speculator’s request for comment, but is understood to have shared an album on Facebook of themselves at the beach with UQ Greens.

At press time, Labor Right had moved onto posting Instagram videos of themselves sobbing into a pillow with ‘Solidarity, Forever’ playing in the background, captioned with “Our song babe xx”

SPECULATOR

Report: 100% Of First Years Who Missed An Introductory Lecture Going To Fail A groundbreaking report released this week has confirmed that any first year student who skipped a lecture in week one is guaranteed to fail their courses.

“The facts are that skipping a lecturer shows an absolute correlation with failing courses,” the lead researcher explained.

“We found with 100% predictive power that a student in this situation will fail all of their courses, not just the ones that they skipped the lecture for,” they continued.

“There was no change in outcome, even when we adjusted for variables like work commitments or apology emails to the lecturer,” they said.

The report is currently undergoing peer review.

Engineering Faculty To Fire Cannon Every Time Student Drops Out The Engineering Faculty has today announced plans to install a cannon on the roof of the Hawken building, with the intention of signposting instances of first year Engineering students resigning from the course.

The cannon, weighing six hundred kilograms and capable of propelling a twelve pound iron ball over one hundred meters at ground level, will be installed as part of a new initiative by the faculty to both encourage a greater work ethic in its undergraduate students and strike fear in the hearts of its enemies.

“Here in the engineering faculty we are always trying to find the latest innovations in our teaching methods to inspire enthusiasm in our student base and foster a positive learning environment,” said a spokesman for the department referring

to the rationale behind installing medieval siege weaponry on campus. “We believe that this new approach will motivate our first year students to take a diligent approach to their studies and reinforce the fact that they are all, in fact, disposable.”

“Very, very disposable” he added, after roughly twenty seconds of ominous silence.

In addressing numerous concerns from the public about the project - such as how to install the cannons, concern over rogue cannon shots hitting students, and whether it would be physically possible to reload the cannon fast enough the day before census date - the spokesman revealed to Semper Floreat that the majority of funding for the project came from a student group, the Engineering Undergraduate Society.

“The decision to fund this project isn’t one that we made lightly” said club secretary Harry Digby when we reached out for comment, wearing an outfit consisting entirely of award-winning EUS merchandise, “since it would mean that we’d have to cancel at least one of our fifteen annual lake parties. However, we believe in the vision of the faculty and wish to support them in their endeavors.”

“Also, they said we could point it at the law library sometimes if we wanted,” he added “which is always a good laugh.”

Rumours of a prototype railgun being simultaneously mounted in the advanced engineering building to keep all non-engineering students out remain unsubstantiated, but likely.

Ghost of Jeremy Bentham Appears At Boggo Road To Maximise Bus Queue Utility “I am cursed to haunt this place until people line up along the yellow line,” Mr Bentham explained.

15

This is UQ Union President Jeremy Lwin.

He has an open door policy.

Jeremy

His office is at the top of this building across from the Lolly Shop.

The UQ Union Building

But you don’t have to travel to his office to see him!

Any time you see him out and about, just stop and have a chat.