IDON’T FACETHE SAME DANGERMYPEERSDO

BY CARRIEKAHN

I’mpart ofthe Mexicanpress corps,but really, I’m not.

The firsttime I was face-tofacewith a high-rankingofficial, challengingtruth to power, like we’re told we are supposed to do as journalists, was in Tijuana.

It was themid-1990s. I had justbeenhired at KPBS San Diego’s publicradiostation as itsnewlymintedborder reporter.

Theofficial was SanDiego’s then-U.S.attorney Hehad come acrosstheborder, withSan Diego reportersin tow to praise cross-border cooperationin solving a murdercase.

Istoodup,fullof youthful bravado,bluntlyquestioningthe official’s sincerity. I boldly pointedoutthat U.S. governmentdocuments showed his BajaCaliforniafellow prosecutor was accusedof colludingwith oneofthemostpowerful Mexican drugcartels terrorizing Tijuanaatthetime. Mypuffed-uppride was quicklydeflated.The U.S.official gave me a publicdressing-down formakingwhathesaid were baselessclaimsandinsults aboutourneighbor Trembling,I slunk backinto myseat.

MySanDiego colleagues continued questioningthe two officialsabouttheircross-border bromance. Whathappened next,though, I’ve never forgotten. Tijuana’s reporters,without hesitation oneafter another, insistedthe U.S.official address myinquiry andadded a bitof scoldingoftheir own,fortreating meso rudely After all,I was just doing my job.

Thatday I feltlikeI had joinedthepress corps ofTijuana and Mexico.I felt I had arrived andhad joinedtheclub.ButI hadn’t really, andI’mstillnotin it.

I’m a foreign correspondent workingfor a U.S.news outlet.I report all over Mexico (and CentralAmericaandtheCaribbean),butwhileI’ve now hada few scoldings frompublicofficials,I’ve never had to dealwith thedangerandfearmy Mexican colleagues do. Mexico hasbeencalledthe mostdangerousplaceinthe world to be a reporter outsidea war zone.Thepress rights group Article 19 hasdocumented 148 killings of journalistsin Mexico since2000 There have been29 sincePresident Andrés Manuel LópezObrador tookofficein 2018 Onlyoneofthese journalistskilledin Mexico thiscentury hasbeen a foreigner, a New York City independent journalist killedinOaxacain2006

On a recent chillynightin Mexico City, hundredsofmedia workersandsupporters gatheredoutside theInteriorMinistry to protestthree journalists’ killings inthe firstthree weeks of this year: a reporter stabbedat leastseven timesin Veracruzon Jan. 10,a photographer gunned downinTijuanaon Jan. 17 and oneofthatbordercity’s longtime broadcast journalistsshot to deathsixdayslater.A fourth reporter was killed,thistimein Michoacán,after theprotest,on thelastday of January, bringing thetally to fourinthisbloody beginning to 2022.

In Mexico City, many reportersspoke aboutthefearthey’ve faced workingin Mexico.Some talked aboutbeingbeatenup, receivingthreateningphone callsand gettingbulliedonsocial media.Besidessomemean tweets,I’ve never faced such abuses.I’ve never receiveda deaththreator evena menacing warning. Sure,I’ve been told to leave somewhere while reporting, beenpushed, chasedandfollowed bysecurity agents I’ve even foundmyselfinadvertently inthemiddleof a shootoutin Michoacán. When worried relativesand friendsquestionme aboutmysafety while working in Mexico, I usually tellthemwhatI tellmyselfallthetime:If I were to dieonthe job,it wouldprobably be a resultof a caraccident ratherthan repercussions froma storyI did.

Don’t get me wrong.I’ve written about corruptpoliticians in Mexico about drug trafficking andorganizedcrime gangs infiltratingmuch oflifehere.ButI report outof Mexico City, not ina small town where everyone knows everyone and knows who isbeholden to whom. I don’tface thesamedangerssuch journalistsdo. When I work outsidemajor city centers orinother countries, I often hire local reporters to helpmemaneuver around areasthatare unknown to me, findtherightpeople to talk to and remainsafewhentalking to thewrongpeople. We callthem fixers, and it’s hard to fix what they dealwith.They tellme about the dangerstheyfaceand how theymanage to do journalisminsomeofthemostdifficult placesinthe world We stayin touch longafter mystories are filed.

Latelythosecatch-up conversationsare not cheery.

When a coolerwith a severed head was placedinthe parking lotofthenewspaper in a northernborder town where one fixer worked, I called himimmediately.I was so relieved whenhe pickedupthephone. Whena photographer was gunneddown in Port-au-Prince,Haiti, I called mylongtime fixer and justlistened to himtalk about his colleague’s killing When a wellknown journalist whose door was always open to international colleagues was gunneddown on thestreet inCuliacán, Mexico, nearhis office, I flew in to attend hisfuneral.

Iflew againlastmonth to Tijuana to attendanother funeral,huganotherwidow, andoffer condolences to the childrenofa slain colleague. I metupwithold reporter friends,saw thenew cropof journalists fillthehalls andspilloutinto thestreet ofthe funeralhome.

Ifeel the anger my colleagues here andaroundthe regionfeel asthemurdersofmedia workers climb.I feeltheirimpotenceas impunity rages and thesekillings go unsolved. I listen,I cry, I write stories aboutthesavagenessofit all. I even shouted “Justice!”a few timesatthatprotestin Mexico City. But I stilldon’tfeelthesame dangerthey do.

EventhoughI’mpart of Mexico’s press corps, I reallyamnot. Kahn isacorrespondent forNational Public RadiowhocoversMexico,Central Americaandthe Caribbean.

Iwanted to cry hard,but I held backmy tears,because I didn’t want to be recordedinphotosand invideointhat condition,while we waitednext to thepoliceline.I askedmyself, over and over again, “What wentwrong? Why didn’t we see it coming?”

Margarito had toldus justa monthbefore that hefelt at risk.

Ikept repeating his words in my head while I checkedhismessages onmyphonebecause hehad come to me to seekmore information abouttheprotectionmechanism Mexico hasfor journalistsand human rightsdefenders—a system thatcanprovide protections such asarmed guards,surveillancecamerasandpanicbuttons forthose whofearfortheirlives. It’s a systeminwhich I’manadviser to other journalists.

That week I couldn’tsleep and onSaturday we had a workshopin whichI didnotstopcryingand reflectingonthe “what if.”ButI understoodthatthere was nothingleft to dobut go out and demand justiceforour colleague.

ThenthatSundayat 7 p.m.,six daysafter Margarito’s death,when Iwasabout to review thenewscast’s script, I received another callalertingmethatLourdes Maldonadohadbeenkilled and again, I feltthesame anguish, despair and hate, knowingthat this couldhave beenprevented.

For yet another week, I couldn’t sleep,and I didnotstopanswering calls andmessages from journalists everywhere whoaskedformy opinionaboutwhathadhappened to our two beloved colleagues. Manyofthemalsoaskedme whatit was like to be a journalistin Tijuana. I was hesitant to reply consideringthebigdifference betweenwhatitfeltlike before these two executionsandafter them.As a result, I donotfeel secure.

Dayslater,I stillcrya little when I reflectonthe “whatif?”But nowI feelmore confidentansweringthisquestion.Being a journalistinTijuanameans workingwhile athighriskasitisin Mexico Our president,Andrés ManuelLópez Obrador, whoispart of the Morenapoliticalparty accuses journalistsofbeing a mafia.He calls outandcriticizes reporters publiclyat press conferences when hedoesn’tlike theirquestions.He accusesusofseekingproblemsin hisadministration.

Being a journalist inTijuana meansthat you mustdealwitha society ofpeoplewho,inperson or onsocialnetworks show you their hate because theyhave adopted the government’s propaganda.In recent years,bloggershave sided withthe government, reinforcing itspropaganda every day Someof themviolate the journalistic code ofethics,andtheyhidebehind freedomof expression laws to extort threatenandlibelvictims. Andtheyaccuseusofbeing boughtand controlledbythe government.

Being a journalist inTijuana meansdodgingdanger from organizedcrime and even fromthe government,which makesup systemsitclaimswillprotect you, butunfortunatelymany of the aggressions and threatsthat our colleaguesfaceare connected to elected officialsandauthorities, and too often thecrimesare not investigated.

Despite alltheabove beinga journalistinTijuanameansbeing part of a group thathasbecome more unitedthan ever, demanding justice forourfallen colleagues, coming together to setself-protectionmeasures,andthatwillno longer remain silentor run awayin fear We willnotbesubduedbecause feardoesnotparalyzeus.

DeAnda isamember of theeditorial board of Esquina32,adailylivestreamnews

Facebookandmember of the #YoSíSoyPeriodistacollective.