MiddleBeat_AprilFools

MIDDLE BEAT

volume 12

ISSUE 4

February , 2012!

Middle Beat Volume 12!

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MIDDLE BEAT

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ISSUE 4

February , 2012!

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MIDDLE BEAT

volume 12

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ISSUE 4

February , 2012!

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Modern Warfare 4: The Game That Will Change Everything

By Jim Carey Middle Beat has obtained top-secret information from the CIA about Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 4. The game will be released in the summer of 2013 on the Xbox 720 and the PS4, and it will defy the standards of previous firstperson shooters, because the game will be 3-D accessible and played on a motion controller. The third installment in the multi-billion dollar franchise will take place twenty years after the events of its predecessor. Modern Warfare 4 takes place in Iran, China, California, Malkistan, and Australia. The game will feature no war at all, and as a matter of fact, the whole plot is devoted to keeping world peace. Infinity Ward confirmed the CIA’s claims saying that, “We hope the lack of warfare in Modern Warfare 4 does not affect what people think about the series.” According to the International Peace Council (IPC) many of the characters from the previous games are back not to fight, but to work with their former rivals in order to promote peace.

Captain Price is back with a new position as CEO for the center of World Peace.

Vladamir Makarov survives and takes the position as head of the Peace Corps. Players play as Soap MacTavish who is hidden somewhere in the Himalayas after almost dying, trying to feed Tibetan children. The game will feature no weapons at all, and the only thing a player carries is an IPC sign for world peace. Infinity Ward, the studio creating the game, told Middle Beat during

MIDDLE BEAT

volume 12

an exclusive interview, “The references to the International Peace Council throughout the game has nothing to do with the threats they have made towards the studio and countless fines they have levied against us.” The game is expected to take about twenty five minutes, and thirty eight seconds to complete on the highest difficulty. Multiplayer will feature trivia questions concerning world peace. Some of the questions include, “Why do we need peace?”, “Why is war harmful?” and, “Why is peace good?” You can have a friendly competition with up to ten other players testing your world peace skills. There have many many reports talking about future downloadable content featuring a mission to save the Punjumai tribe of Malkistan from malnutrition. We asked the International Peace Council (IPC) what their plans for other war based games are, they responded saying, “By 2013 every game in the world will go through a rigorous IPC approved testing period.

The period is expected to take up to five years to complete, so expect to see a game developed in 2012 in stores no earlier than 2017.” Modern Warfare 4 will be released February 30th, 2013, for more information go to http://www.ipc.org/.

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ISSUE 4

February , 2012!

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89"*+ # Q%H*#"5?#*H*&#B5))*+#%#+3:*#/%3&:?)#)/%)# "5?#8%+)*,#*H*&"5+*#)5#+5)3:*d##J*00I#c%)35+%0# Q%3&:?)#-22&*:3%)35+#7%"#3.#%#/503,%"#5+#-2&30# aEI#8/3:/#:*0*9&%)*.#)/*#,3<<*&*+)#)"2*.#5<# /%3&:?).C##;*520*#B3H*#*%:/#5)/*&#:5@203@*+).# %95?)#)/*3&#/%3&#%+,#.5@*)3@*.#)/*"#*H*+# &*:*3H*#:5@203@*+).#3+#&*)?&+C##>5@*#<50A.#B*)# +*8#/%3&:?).#5+#)/3.#/503,%"I#%+,#.5@*)3@*.# )/*"#*H*+#B*)#/%3&:?).#)/%)#8*&*#.)"03./#3+#%# ,3<<*&*+)#B*+*&%)35+e##1H*&%00I#)/3.#/503,%"#3.#%# B&*%)#5::%.35+#)5#B*)#%#+*8#/%3&:?)#%+,#./58#3)# 5<<#)5#*H*&"5+*C# A72"3&( 888C/503,%"3+.3B/).C:5@ /))2Vkk905BC<55,?:%)*C:5@ /))2Vkk:/3%2*)&*.:?*C:5@*

ISSUE 4

February , 2012!

/*%&,#%#.5<)#:03:AI#)/*+#%#f8/55./g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aD#3+#)/*#$>#S5@@5+.C#

Wolverine Seen Wandering the School Grounds

J72-E$:0?*+;$1*K"0";$L"72.$'7$ 8--72-3&$@&C$!0(37' "#!R(/(#!R(&02%)

By Cesar Milan

Last Saturday, Mr. Schnirring was heading to the Stoeher Gym when he saw a black shape coming out of the shed next to the gym. Thinking it was a stray dog, he yelled at it and told it to get away from the shed. When the creature turned to him, however, Mr. Schnirring quickly realized that it was not simply a stray dog. The creature he was looking at was in fact a wolverine: a small, vicious predator that resides in Ohio and Northern provinces in Canada, such as Quebec. It is about the size of a medium sized dog, weighs twentyfour to forty pounds, and is a very dangerous predator. Seeing that it was a wolverine, Mr. Schnirring wisely took several steps back and let the wolverine go back to itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s business. He then went into the Commons and called animal control.

However, when they arrived at the school, the wolverine had disappeared into the trees below the hill, where it is believed to still be residing.

Due to the presence of this unexpected guest, special measures will now be taken to ensure that no one is harmed by this deadly creature. For starters, all classes that require students to leave the Middle school building, such as physical education, chorus, and instrumental are to be temporarily cancelled until such a time as they can be continued. Also, all students and teachers on campus will now be equipped with a can of pepper spray and a safety whistle. If ever

!

!

R/*#l5?+B#4%@30"#T39&%&"#/%.#%#+*8# @%.:5)e##-@9*&.%+,I#)/*#955A85&@I#8%.#<5?+,# 3+#)/*#039&%&"#8/*+#$&.C#>3))*+<*0,#)55A#%+# %+:3*+)#055A3+B#955A#*+)3)0*,#<'5:4'5:*# 5<<#5<#%#,?.)"#./*0<#3+#)/*#9%:A#5<#)/*#039&%&"C#>/*#

!

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attacked by the wolverine, the assaulted person will be able to blind it and then blow their whistle, getting help from the nearest teacher or student available. Lastly, around-the-clock animal control specialists will reside at our school for either the rest of the school year or until the wolverine has been captured, to ensure that the creature has either moved on or has been dealt with safely. If you ever find yourself in close proximity to the wolverine, the following tips may help you handle the situation without causing injury to yourself or any others that may be with you. Wolverines are small animals, and although predators, they will back down from a large group of people. If there are others with you, group together as close as you can and slowly back away from the wolverine.

Sudden movements may cause it to make sudden movements of its own and strike. Also keep in mind that the best way to avoid a confrontation is to not get into the kind of situation that may cause a confrontation in the first place. Always keep other people in sight, and if you must travel out of the building, go with two other people or more.

However, if you do ever find yourself alone in close proximity to the wolverine, spread your arms out in front of yourself in an offensive position and scream as loud as you can. This should fix the problem of your being alone with this deadly creature. The most important safety tip of all, though, is to DO NOT GO LOOKING FOR THE WOLVERINE. All these rules are only any good if used as a last resort. If you see this wolverine anywhere on campus, tell the nearest teacher that you can.

ISSUE 4

February , 2012!

:5+:?..35+.#:%?.*,#9"#&%+,5@#Y0"3+B#59N*:).I# 03A*#23%+5.I#*0*2/%+).I#9%,B2%:%.I#%+,# S/&".52*0*%.C#K<#"5?#/%22*+#)5#9*#2&%:)3:3+B# "5?&#,?:A'8%0A3+B#5&#;5Ab@5+#9%))03+B#.A300.#3+# 5&,*&#)5#N53+#)/*#,?:A'8%0A3+B#)*%@#%+,#%:*# "5?&#;5Ab@5+#B"@#:5?&.*#+*Z)#"*%&I#20*%.*# 03@3)#"5?&#2&%:)3:3+B#)5#9*)8**+#WVEE#%+,#UVEE# 2@I#)5#@3+3@3O*#"5?&#:/%+:*.#5<#/*%,#)&%?@%C# c->-#%+,#!"##$%&'%()&%&*#+5)#&*.25+.390*#<5&# %+"#3+N?&3*.#:%?.*,#9"#,3.59*"3+B#)/*.*# 3+.)&?:)35+.C#R*00#%00#"5?&#<&3*+,.I#8/5#8*# /%22*+#)5#A+58#,5#+5)#&*%,#)/*#+*8.2%2*&C#

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The Middle School Will Be Sorry For Party Rocking

60*-*-E$<0'($0-.$57E(

!"#S*.%&#$30%+I#%B%3+ # l*.I#3)6.#)&?*C#K+#)/*#+*Z)#<*8#8**A.I# &%3+3+B#:%).#%+,#,5B.#@%"#9*:5@*#%#:5@@5+# 5::?&&*+:*C#c->-#8300#9*#)*.)3+B#3).#+*8#m*&5' L&%H3)"#$%:/3+*#%00#%:&5..#)/*#:5?+)&"#*H*&",%"# %)#^VEE#%C@CI#.)%&)3+B#5+#-2&30#hI#)5#@%A*#.?&*# )/%)#3)#85&A.#3+#%#H%&3*)"#5<#8*%)/*&#:5+,3)35+.C# 7?&3+B#)/%)#)3@*I#9*#.?&*#)5#.)%"#3+#%#9?30,3+BI# %8%"#<&5@#%+"#/%+B3+B#:/%+,*03*&.C#1)/*&83.*I# "5?#@%"#8%A*#?2#%+,#Y3+,#"5?&.*0<#Y05%)3+B#3+# )/*#.)&%)5.2/*&*I#5+0"#)5#<%00#)/5?.%+,.#5<#<**)# @5@*+).#0%)*&I#N?.)#03A*#)/%)#+3B/)@%&*#"5?#/%,# 0%.)#+3B/)e#$%A*#.?&*#)5#A**2#"5?&#2*).#3+.3,*# %+,I#3<#"5?#/%H*#%+"#Y3./I#)5#20%:*#:5H*&.#5+# )/*3&#Y3./9580.C#R&"#+5)#)5#0*%H*#)/*#/5?.*# %&5?+,#^VEE#%@#)5#%H53,#%+"#?++*:*..%&"# !

By Mister Bunny Rumor has it that LMFAO, an electro pop group consisting of DJ Redfoo and SkyBlu, will be performing at the Middle School talent show. Their actual names are Stefan Kendal Gordy and Skyler Austin Gordy, respectively. Redfoo is Skyblu’s uncle.

The group has been active since 2006, and they have had a number of great hits. Their two albums Party Rock and Sorry For Party Rocking have sold a combined 887,000 copies, almost reaching “platinum”.

In 2008, LMFAO released their first song, Party Rock. Later in 2009, the group released their full album, Party Rock. The album was thirty-third on the Billboard 200.

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People described Party Rock as “fourteen virtually interchangeable odes to night life”.

LMFAO’s big break was in July, 2011 when they released their single Party Rock Anthem.

Party Rock Anthem placed in the top ten singles chart in over ten countries. Since then, they have had many hits including Sorry For Party Rocking and Sexy and I Know It. LMFAO, will be performing their singles: Sorry For Party Rocking, Party Rock Anthem, and Sexy and I Know It. The cafeteria will be “tricked out” with strobe lights and multi-colored disco balls. There will also be pink zebra pattern wall paper on the walls.

Once a member of the middle school walks in the door, they will receive a complimentary signed album and an LMFAO shirt. This year there will also be an after party that will be very mellow relaxing in the middle school commons. Every student who attends the after party will meet Redfoo and SkyBlu. You do not want to miss the after party; it will be out of this world. The talent show will be a one of a kind experience this year.

ISSUE 4

February , 2012!

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volume 12

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“Linsanity” Coming to Seven Hills

By Rick Pitino !

Recent sources have confirmed that point guard Jeremy Lin of the New York Knicks has accepted a job at the Seven Hills School as a gym teacher. He will teach a new class which merges the two classes of gym and math. Mr. Waskowitz, who traveled to New York to interview Mr. Lin, thought of the idea. Mr. Lin happily accepted the job to teach and retire from the NBA after playing two years, finishing his great basketball career.

Mr. Lin graduated from the University of

Harvard. Seven Hills is saying that once Lin

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ISSUE 4

February , 2012!

starts his teaching here, the school could be the smartest in the U.S., and that Linʼs athletic skills will hopefully help the athletic program here surge. Lin will be showing his new formulas of math through physical education.

Mr. Lin will also bring some of his former teammates from the Knicks, such as former North College Hill student Bill Walker and another teammate, Mike Bibby; they will be teaching Chorus. The assistant athletic trainer of the Knicks, Anthony Goenaga, will also be coming. He gradated from Long Island University, and he will be the new school nurse. Jeremy Lin has been waiting for this great job offer for a very long time; a whole three months. Jeremy is so excited to come here that he is going to sleep on the couches in the commons at night. Not only is Jeremy Lin a basketball star, but he will also design his own line of sheets, pillows, etc. So, Seven Hills, start going“Linsane”!

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MIDDLE BEAT

volume 12

)5#<5&9*.C:5@I#+")3@*.C:5@I# :5@@?+3)3*.C8%./3+B)5+)3@*.C:5@I# %9:+*8.CB5C:5@I#&*2?903:%+&*,*Y3+*,C:5@I# /?<Y3+B)5+25.)C:5@I#905BC.<%)*C:5@I# &%8.)5&"C:5@I#%&)3:0*.C9?.3+*..3+.3,*&C:5@I#%+,# :5?+)0*..#5)/*&#8*9.3)*.I#3.I#p!?)#8*#%0.5#A+58# )/%)#)/*#H*&"#<5?+,*&.#)/%)#8&5)*#)/5.*# ,5:?@*+).#85&A*,#)3&*0*..0"#?+)30#.0%H*&"#8%.# +5#@5&*#3+#)/*#=+3)*,#>)%)*.Cp#;55&#$3:/*0*C# T3))0*#,3,#./*#A+58#)/%)#R/5@%.#M*<<*&.5+I#5H*&# )/*#:5?&.*#5<#/3.#03<*I#58+*,#5H*&#jWE#.0%H*.C#-.# %#@%))*&#5<#<%:)I#3)#8%.#-9&%/%@#T3+:50+#8/5# 8%.#2&*.3,*+)#,?&3+B#)/*#S3H30#J%&I#%+,#/*#8%.I# %.#%#@%))*&#5<#<%:)I#c1R#5+*#5<#)/*#<5?+,3+B# <%)/*&.C#J*00I#./*6.#5+0"#5<<#9"#%95?)#XE#"*%&.C# c5#93BB3*C# # 45&#&*%.5+.#8*#:%+6)#?+,*&.)%+,I#3)# .**@.#)/%)#%+"5+*#:%+#&?+#<5&#2&*.3,*+)C#J*00I# 055A.#03A*#-@*&3:%#@%"#/%H*#@5&*#)5#85&&"# %95?)#3+#hEDh#)/*+#)/*#*+,#5<#)/*#85&0,C

Badgpaca

By The Myth Buster Guys !

Researchers have found that a ruthless, spirited honey badger named Sheila has fallen in love with a shy male alpaca named Jimmy. In the Indianapolis Zoo, they formed a new species of animal, the badgpaca. After about three months Victor the badgpaca showed clear signs of his mother始s heritage. It has already stormed the chimpanzee cages and decided to pick a fight with one of them. The sad part was, Victor won. Daisy (the chimpanzee始s name) was severely injured in the zoo and now runs away every time she sees a honey badger or an alpaca. This crazy mammal has now been moved to a special section in the zoo where it is behind special, indestructible walls. !

What始s really interesting is its diet. Its requires a huge serving of zebras, a nice serving of cocoa puffs, and a small serving of carrots. It rarely ever eats chocolate ice cream but never fails to eat its cheesecake.

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ISSUE 4

February , 2012!

It has also been seen having picnics with Ashley the chrysopelea and they are getting along very well. !

Victor is growing at a rate of two cm per week and sooner or later will be as tall as his dad Jimmy. This beast is leaving a mark on this world, and this animal amazes people from all over. The Indianapollis Zoo is also gaining popularity, and even President Obama has taken pictures of it.

Rick Santorum has also visited Victor but ran away when Victor started to scowl. Who knows what Victor will do next?

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MIDDLE BEAT

volume 12

!"$A&K0('*0-$A&"B&($P9$'4&$/0'( "#!e6#!W0(+0 Every year at Latin Convention, the attendants are served sub sandwiches for both lunches. Little do the students know, but the sandwiches are in fact made by Mr. Sebastian himself. Mr. Sebastian has owned a deli for the past ten years called Achille’s Heel. He tells us that it all started with his grandmother, when she gave him her world renowned cookbook of soups, salads, and sandwiches when he was six.

Ever since then, Mr. Sebastian has been vigorously practicing the art of soup and sandwich making. When he began studying the classics, he decided that he would tie his studies into the wonderful recipes given to him by his grandmother. He started to make Hero Sandwiches, Julius Caesar salads, and Dionysus Delectable iced tea. After perfecting his recipes, he finally opened Achille’s Heel.

Mr. Sebastian has chosen important dates of Rome to coincide with important dates of his deli. Achille’s Heel opened on Julius Caesar’s birthday, July 13. This year, Achille’s Heel will close for renovations on March 15, the day Julius Caesar died. In addition, as you enjoy delicious soups and sandwiches, you may watch gladiatorial combat, chariot races, and a continous showing of Monty Python’s Life of Brian by, all of which take place on the magnificent Colosseum shaped stage in the middle of the deli. His employees are all very friendly and have substantial knowledge of the classics themselves. Employees sing Happy Birthday in Latin, further increasing the feel of being in Ancient Rome. Please visit his restaurant the next time you are in the area. You can find Achille’s Heel in the Kenwood Town Center, where Mr. Sebastian will be building a new branch of the restaurant in the food court.

Make sure to stop by and visit the next time you are there!

$ Middle Beat is the newspaper for the Middle School created by the students for the students. We strongly encourage letters to the editor, guest articles, short poems and short stories, and comics. However, be aware that

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ISSUE 4

February , 2012!

submitting a letter or an article does not guarantee that it will be published in its entirety or be published at all. We reserve the right to edit any article for grammar and length, and all articles or letters must be appropriate for the Middle School audience. On each submission, please include your name and your grade. We will not publish any anonymous articles.

Reporters include Lindsay Lohan, Mary-Kate and Ashley, Alice Cooper, Mariah Cary, Elvis, Cesar Milan, Drake, Nicki Minaj, Megan Fox, Oprah, Kanye West, David Copperfield, Orlando Bloom, Jennifer Lawrence, Olivia Wilde, Hugh Laurie, Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, and Jeff Bridges. Faculty Advisor: Martha Stewart.

PRACTICE YOUR DRAWING SKILLS HERE. ILLUSTRATE YOUR FAVORITE VIDEO GAME OR YOUTUBE VIDEO. TURN YOUR ARTWORK IN TO MIDDLE BEAT!!