Transformed into Light

story & design

by JESSA CARLOS

story & design by Jessa Carlos

TRANSFORMED INTO LIGHT Copyright © Text and design 2020 by JESSA CARLOS All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

For information, contact Jessa Carlos 1234 Muscogee Ln Woodbridge, VA 12345

This book is dedicated to all the mothers in the world that have taught me my own dignity, strength, & capacity to love & be loved—especially my own mother. Thank you for everything.

Introduction WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE A WOMAN IN OUR SOCIETY? How can a woman achieve success and fulfillment? Saint Pope John Paul II once said, “Man cannot fully find himself, except through a sincere gift of himself (Gaudium et Spes par. 24).” This profound statement, of course, charges women with the same challenge: that every human person has undeniable, unique, and worthy gifts to be shared, and only a way of life that is lived selflessly for others will allow human beings to reach the fulfillment they seek. Our society believes that every woman can do something meaningful and purposeful in any realm of their lives, whether it’s in the workplace, in the family, in personal growth or health, etc.. Business women, medical professionals, community leaders, and military personnel are just a few roles women play in society and ways a woman fulfills her purpose.

However, I find that, in general, our society perceives motherhood to be the least fulfilling. Motherhood is seen as a gift and treasure to many, however, it tends to be viewed as an obstacle to fulfilling a woman’s purpose. I propose that if we look further into the experience of motherhood, then we would understand that we need to acknowledge the value of a woman’s role as a nurturer and giver of life.

No woman is perfect, but all mothers, by inherent nature, can be receptive and nurturing. Women can become more than themselves and take on responsibility by putting their own needs aside and focusing on the needs of others. Motherhood requires this sacrifice and the sincere gift of self, the same challenge proposed by John Paul II. This book was inspired by the desire to cast light into the truth through the stories of 4 mothers. This book wasn’t meant to tell the story of their entire lives but rather to focus on the joys and sorrows as they sought to find themselves, their purpose, and fulfillment in life. The insecurity, confusion, regret, and isolation that many women experience in today’s culture prevent them from understanding their own identity, worth, and dignity. In the U.S, women are more empowered and have more rights than in other countries and in past decades. However, is there more to modern womanhood than power, rights, and politics? I believe that a woman is not defined by her appearance, titles, or accomplishments, but more so by the way that she selflessly lives out her unique qualities and gifts.

The meaning of our worth is not found in the exterior, but flows from within and through decisions we make. Women—mothers, in particular—are the perfect example of actualizing one’s purpose to give of oneself for the good of the other. Through these four women, we can walk through their reallife experiences and thoughts while connecting our own life to their life accounts. Through the stories of these four women, we can walk through their real-life experiences and thoughts while relating our lives to theirs. The stories and backgrounds of these women are uniquely diverse—no two stories are alike. Regardless of their differences and upbringings each of them has experienced life through deep unifying principles.

This collection of interviews will address the issues that our toxic society instills in every woman’s mind and heart through their accounts of pain and darkness. Amongst the darkness, through a sincere gift of themselves as women and mothers, they find joy in their unique purposes in this world. Their darkness is transformed into light.

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HILLARY IS A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH. BEHIND THIS STRONG MOTHER IS HER OWN STRONG MOTHER WHO RAISED HER TO BE INDEPENDENT AND COURAGEOUS. IN EVERY WORD AND ACTION, HILLARY BRINGS GREAT LIGHT INTO THE WORLD, ESPECIALLY THROUGH HER BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY. What was your childhood like?

What were some of the struggles that you had in high school?

I was raised by my mother who immigrated to the United States from Honduras. I would say When I was a sophomore, I moved from one city in that I did not have a childhood. My mom was a Northern Virginia to another. The city wasn’t that hairdresser and worked seven days a week. When far away, but the move changed my life completeshe picked me up from the school bus, we would ly. It was pretty hard on me. My whole life had go straight to her salon and stay until she closed already been established. I didn’t know anyone in down the shop. I never watched Disney movies or my new city and I really hated it. I don’t remember went out with friends to the mall. I was just stuck having any good memories. I didn’t like living in our in that salon. When she married my step dad, she house, our neighborhood, or even the way I was was home more often and that made me happy. taught at my school. That was the hardest thing of I have also never met my dad. He left just a few all to adjust to. I had no choice but to push myself months after I was born and my mom was left to in school and to get good grades. I wanted to get raise me on her own. She did everything to give into a good college and get away from high school. me everything. She was very strict with me, especially in school. If she wasn’t, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I am the first in my whole family to go to college and officially graduate. I’m proud of that.

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Hillary and her mother, Sandra, at her 1st birthday party with family and friends

As a child, Hillary’s personality was definitely on the quieter side. She was always obedient and followed the rules

What was your transition into college like?

Once I actually went to college, I could finally feel comfortable with myself and my environment. I felt like I could breathe again. I was so happy to start fresh and experience a good change. I got accepted to a university in North Carolina, but my mom didn’t want me to go. She told me that if I went to a school in the area, I could live on campus for my first year. For this reason, I ended up going to George Mason University.

What were some of the experiences or opportunities you had in college that shaped who you are today?

because most people go to college to lose their faith, but I wanted it so badly. It was a roller coaster ride for me during my four years of college because it was scary to go through a relationship with God alone. I went on another college conference in 2019 and brought my boyfriend with me. Having him present was so important for me because I finally felt like I had someone to walk with me and shared the same lifestyle as me. It was a game changer. Shortly after the conference, we got pregnant.

How did you and your boyfriend react when you found out that you were pregnant?

I tracked my period for a really long time and I When I was a freshman, I didn’t know anything was always so regular. There was one day when about college or how to be involved. Luckily, I I had really bad cramps at the wrong time and I just found a Latin sorority that year and they made knew that I was pregnant. After I took my test and me feel safe and at home. I joined my second looked at the positive result, I actually laughed. I semester and it became a crucial aspect of my laughed and then cried and it was just super emocollege career. It wasn’t at all what I thought a tional for me. So then I told my boyfriend and he sorority would be like. The processes of moving also got really emotional. We just couldn’t believe up, growing in friendships, gaining professional it and asked ourselves, “What do we do now?” It experience—it was all so valuable. I can’t even de- was never a feeling of, “Oh we are so screwed.” scribe how much it meant for me. To this day, I still We just couldn’t believe it was happening, so we practice the life lessons I gained from that sorority. just kept moving forward.

Thank God we were graduating that semester.

There was a time when it all ended and it broke We decided that we were going to do everything me. I was in the middle of mentoring others and that we could to raise our baby. We couldn’t let making an impact in other people’s lives when the negative thoughts and emotions get to us. the sorority had to be disbanded because of an We decided that we needed to work hard to be allegation against us. I felt like I was robbed of the better our best selves.

We had the intention to chance to give back to the people that made me get great jobs and continue achieving our goals. who I was. After that happened, I basically fell off the face of the earth. I was so upset and held a lot of remorse. I know it was just a sorority, but it had Tell me more about your pregnancy journey. absolutely changed my life. I went from having What was it like for you and your family? generalized anxiety disorder to having learned control over my thoughts and feelings. That’s how I felt guilty when I first got pregnant. I wasn’t good it was for me. married and I hadn’t even graduated yet. I was Another great experience was my time with terrified of my family’s reaction. As time passed the Catholic Campus Ministry. I had never by, I got bigger. I actually started to become more been interested in doing anything more than at ease with it. Each day, I would come to see the going to church on Sunday, but throughout goodness of my pregnancy. It was still tough for my college years, I wanted to dive deeper in me, but honestly, I knew that it was the greatest my faith. My family was never really Catholic blessing that God could give to me. I thought to so I did it for myself. I went to conferences and myself, “He gave me it and so that must mean retreats with my good friends and I learned so something, right?” much about the goodness of my faith. It’s ironic 5

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Was it a smooth delivery or were there complications? What was it like for you in this process?

It was an induced pregnancy because he didn’t want to come out. I wanted the delivery to be natural because I wanted to feel everything. It was really too much for me at one point. When I took the epidural, I felt guilty and then even for a while afterwards. I kept telling myself afterwards that I could’ve done it without the pitocin, but looking from the outside of that experience, I know that I couldn’t have. It was hard to not let myself believe that I was less of a mom.

After I gave birth, he was fine and everything was going well for a while. But after 30 minutes, my placenta wouldn’t come out. It would have killed me if I didn’t go into surgery and had it taken out. Everyone started scrambling. It felt crazy. No one would tell me what was going on but they couldn’t hide their own emotions and stress. I remember when I was leaving to go into the operating room, my mom was crying and that made me cry! Once they gave me all the medications and anesthesia, I felt like I was in limbo. I prayed to God saying, “I don’t want this to be my time, but if it is, please just take care of my son.

That’s all I ask. Like just take care of him.”

Everything worked out in the end and I was healthy. But it was seriously the scariest time of my life. I thought that, you know, everything would be okay since the pregnancy and delivery was fine, but knowing that anything could happen in delivery terrified me. I know the statistics of mothers who die in childbirth and I was afraid that I would fall into that number. They told me that if I were to get pregnant again, the same thing might happen.

Since you’re at risk for a complicated pregnancy, would you do it again?

It is scary to think that this risk is there, but if I had the choice, I would still do it again. When my boy came out, I was overcome. I just knew that this was it. This was the biggest moment of my life.

This is what it felt like. It’s hard to explain, but it was the most beautiful and life-changing moment.

It’s weird because after his birth and for the first

“WE DECIDED THAT WE NEEDED TO WORK HARD TO BE BETTER — OUR BEST SELVES.” few weeks at home, I felt distant from him, as if I couldn’t truly understand that he was my son and I gave birth to this human being. Even if I couldn’t grasp it in my mind, I knew I loved him so deeply.

I love him more and more every day.

hasn’t changed. My boyfriend and I never thought that kids would ruin our lives, like what many people think. He still managed to get a good job and did everything that he planned on doing.

The one thing that did radically change my plans was the decision to apply to Physicians Did you always see pregnancy and life as Assistant school. Becoming a mother made me realize that I have something more to live for than this biggest blessing? my own satisfaction. I wanted to be a healthcare For the longest time, I just did not think about it. provider because I wanted to help people and There were many moments where I told myself because it felt good. I started to see that my goals that I really didn’t want kids. Once I got older, I were mainly for my own self interests and my plan thought that if it were to happen, I would like may- didn’t allow me to have the time that I would like to be one child. I just accepted that it would probably have with my family. I thought that I would devote happen. I have never been the type of girl who my life to my career, but that’s not me anymore. freaked out about how great kids are or always I want to be a parent that does not have to decide dreamed of being a mother. Honestly, I never between her career and her family. My dream really liked kids, but once I had my baby, my life has changed a bit, but I am still helping people flipped 180 degrees. The moment I experienced in everything that I do, especially in my role as the reality of being a mother, I loved it. There was a mother. no other feeling like it. From the moment I heard his heartbeat at the doctor, I knew that there was What are some of your favorite qualities nothing greater on earth than the gift of being my about yourself? little baby’s mother.

I always knew that I had a heart for others. I always Did you ever think that having a baby strive for selflessness. I know that in some circumwould hinder you from achieving your stances, it’s okay to be selfish and to take care of yourself. It’s most important, however, to be able career goals? to put others before yourself and acknowledge I always wanted to go to medical school. I graduat- that you are not the center of the universe and ed with my bachelors degree last year and always the world doesn’t revolve around you. I always try, planned to apply for med school this year and that knowingly and unknowingly, to do things out of 7

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the kindness of my heart and choose good. I am also very determined. My pre med path has been horrible with so many people trying to discourage me to do something else with my life. No one in my family is a doctor and no one has gone to college. It seemed like a far reach for someone with my background. I do acknowledge that I am not a perfect student, but I do accomplish goals that I set my mind to. If I don’t get accepted to a good school and I know I tried my hardest, I will accept that this isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing at this point in my life right now. But in the meantime, I will keep trying to get there since that’s what I feel I’m meant to do in life.

“BECOMING A MOTHER MADE ME REALIZE THAT I HAVE SOMETHING MORE TO LIVE FOR THAN MY OWN SATISFACTION.”

Did you always want to be a doctor when you were growing up?

When I was little, I did not want to be a doctor. I think I wanted to be a teacher. When I first started at George Mason, I was Pre-Nursing. I became a Certified Nursing Assistant to better understand what nurses did and I was like, “Nope! This can’t be me.” I couldn’t see myself doing this work. To me, it seemed like they were overworked and not respected enough for their work. I didn’t want to be miserable in that lifestyle. I am a person that needs to be respected at all times. I am not a type who can stay quiet if I’m being treated poorly. It would be such a hard position to be in since nurses are such a vital part of the health organization and I can’t change the way they are treated.

So then I became a medical assistant. I worked in a vascular surgery unit and that’s when I realized that’s what I wanted. I liked watching the surgeries and being a part of it. I didn’t want to be a nurse anymore. I wanted to be a doctor.

At this point, I know that I can also be a surgical PA, which would have similar roles and responsibilities plus the advantage of having multiple specialties. I love the opportunity to have a variety of paths I can grow in.

What has been the most challenging thing about becoming a mother?

At the beginning, it was so challenging to breastfeed him. I was so worried that I wasn’t doing a good enough job. There was definitely pressure to be the “ideal” or “perfect” mom. I felt that I 8

couldn’t even fulfill his basic needs. Now, I know that I can still do that, and more. It’s hard to be the best person I can be for him, but I’m here to help shape him to be whoever he is made to be with God’s guidance.

Also, postpartum depression is such a real thing. When I went to the doctors, they would ask me questions and surveys regarding my mental health, but I could easily deny those questions and said that I was fine, when in reality, I wasn’t fine. Since I was prone to having more mental illnesses at this point, I was really scared that I would fall into depression. I had to remind myself that I could control my thoughts so that I could get through it. That was a huge struggle.

What would you tell a mother who is experiencing postpartum depression?

It is okay to be vulnerable. I know that it won’t be easy and it will take every part of you to get through it, but it will get better. It is OK that you’re not okay. It is necessary to have peace with the fact that you can’t do a lot of things on your own, like going to the bathroom! Even though you have someone else to take care of, allow yourself to be taken care of and seek help as much as you can.

Do you feel accomplished and fulfilled as a woman in society?

had anything to eat everyday. She has nine siblings and they had to share two eggs for the whole family. That’s how tough things were back there.

So leaving that and coming to a new country with different traditions and languages, she had so much to deal with on top of being a mother. I think immigrants in general are very strong people.

I am grateful and I look up to them. Personally witnessing my mom do everything that mothers do is a great blessing and inspiration.

Pope John Paul II once wrote in a pastoral constitution, Gaudium Et Spes, “Man... cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself.” What is your response to this quote?

I’ve mentioned this so many times, but I think the greatest blessing and a gift that God can give is the gift of life and selflessness. I understand the thoughts of women who intentionally do not become mothers in their lifetime who might think that self-love and self-acceptance is the most valuable gift that they can give themselves. Physically speaking, giving birth and giving of yourself in this way is something so rewarding and fulfilling. This goes for men, too, since they helped create life

I never had any idea that a feeling and a life like this was possible. You never truly know what to expect until your role as a mother just happens.

I could never imagine, internally, what this was going to be like. But the answer is short. Yes, I do feel fulfilled.

Who is one woman that has inspired you the most in your life?

It is definitely my mom. Now that I’m a mom, it is amazing to me that she did everything all by herself. I’m sure if I was in that situation, I would have managed to get through it, but raising a child under the same circumstances would have been one of the most difficult things I would have ever done. It is already difficult having a partner and having someone to help me. My mom came from a village where there was nothing and they barely 9

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“I NEVER HAD ANY IDEA THAT A FEELING AND A LIFE LIKE THIS WAS POSSIBLE. YOU NEVER TRULY KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT UNTIL YOUR ROLE AS A MOTHER JUST HAPPENS.”

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KACKY IS A CREATIVE & CARING WIFE, MOTHER & TEACHER OF 8. SHE IS A FRIEND TO MANY & SPENDS HOURS IN A DAY TEACHING & CARING FOR HER FAMILY. LIFE IN THE KASINSKI HOUSEHOLD IS NEVER DULL, ESPECIALLY WITH THEIR BELOVED DOG, ROMAN. Can you tell me a little bit about yourself?

My name is Kathryn Kasinski, but I go by Kacky!

I got that nickname when I played soccer when I was a kid. There were two other Katherines so we had to differentiate between the three. My mom told everyone to call me Kacky. She liked that name because that is what her godmother’s name was. The name just stuck!

What was your childhood like?

I was born in 1972 in Richmond, Virginia. My family and I lived in Richmond until the middle of second grade and then we moved to Reston, Virginia. Near the end of eighth grade, we moved to Sterling, Virginia. I have one brother and he’s five years younger than I am. Obviously, I played a lot by myself, but he eventually got bigger and then we played some. But really it was more, I 13

did my own thing and he did his own thing. I grew up in the “latch-key” time where I would come home from school and take care of myself until my parents came home. It’s a bit different than how it is now! I was pretty independent.

I enjoyed playing soccer. I was asked to play softball, but I didn’t want to do it as a kid because you had to “try-out.” I didn’t realize that everybody made the team. But I played travel soccer in my younger years and made some great friends.

It got tough when we moved to Sterling because I had to connect with an entirely new friend group when I began high school. I had a realization that there is a whole world outside of highschool. My friend Jenny and I had no worries about it at some point. I mean, who cares? I knew there was so much going on in the world and school was just one little slice. You can be yourself so much more outside of school. It’s really cool to see all those people nowadays on Facebook!

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Another activity I did when I was a kid was being a bass drummer in the fife and drum corps.

Performing for big parades and events was a highlight of my childhood. I gained so much self confidence while performing and being good at this skill. I loved the friends I made there, too. I would spend summers at musters, or performance tournaments, and my life was no longer a little bubble anymore.

In addition to having a place to be yourself and develop your identity, what else did you learn from your experience in high school as a bass drummer?

It was so nice to have friends of different ages and to have a place where I was respected by everyone in the fife and drum corps. People of all ages and personalities wanted to chat and hang out with me and it was really special to be included in that community.

All of us communicated well together and had a lot of fun and we were all so diverse in age and background. I remember one girl in particular, Maya, whom I befriended, and we are still good friends today. She was a little bit older than I was and she was a die hard metalhead.

Funny enough, she played the fife, which is similar to a flute. She would wear thick makeup and was very different from me in terms of personality, but she was super nice and funny. She wasn’t the type of “popular girl� in the school that everyone would be friends with. But in the fife and drum corps, all of the barriers and stereotypes were gone.

Fast forward to the present, I am still great friends with her. Recently, I found out through Facebook that she had gone to a George Mason University basketball game where she was an alumni. It was bobblehead night and the vendors at the game were giving out George Mason bobbleheads, of which she bought several. I made a comment on her Facebook post mentioning how awesome George Mason University was and how neat the bobbleheads were. Well, one of those bobbleheads showed up on my doorstep days later and it was from her. She had just brought one to me. The fife and drum corps really taught me that stereotypes absolutely do not follow.

“YOU JUST CANNOT LISTEN TO WHAT PEOPLE MAKE UP ABOUT STEREOTYPES.”

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You just cannot listen to what people make up about stereotypes. So many people would be surprised. The other bass drummers that I have performed with ranged from men in the army, to a girl named Tammy Grace. They were all so different. I loved learning from different people from different places.

How did your growth in your identity in your teen years transcend into your college experience?

Although I had a few friends in high school, I did not have any core friends. At this point I was going to head to college and I was more than happy and ready to spend time to make some more friends.

That was so tough. My top school was the University of Virginia. My family had always talked about me going and continuing the legacy of my family, so when I got waitlisted, I was so confused. My plans for the next few years were a bust. I decided to go to Virginia Tech, but none of my closer friends went there, but I think I was okay with that at that point. I knew that I was good at making friends and being a part of a greater community, so I wasn’t afraid.

Before all of this, I met Jeff. We met after I graduated high school and before I went to Virginia Tech and he worked as a scientist at the same small business as my mom. I was the youngest woman by far at that small business. The scientists and engineers, including Jeff, would consistently take me out to lunch in large group settings. Then when I went away to Virginia Tech, I continued my communication with Jeff and our relationship really developed. We became boyfriend and girlfriend around December of that year. At this point in my life, I had decided I was going to transfer schools and I decided to transfer to George Mason University. This school was a better fit for me. I could really thrive there. Naturally, Jeff was a factor in that decision. Then, between junior and senior year, Jeff and I got married.

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Kacky and her younger brother, Taylor (1980). Growing up, Kacky was always very responsible and took care of her family.

What are some of your favorite qualities about yourself?

I would say that I am pretty creative. I have taught myself that if I want something done, I should do it myself. This is prominently true when it comes to creating, especially in the case of homeschooling my kids and designing their classes. Over time, I have forced myself to step outside of my comfort zone to be the best mom I can be.

What are some things that you have learned as your role as a wife & mother?

Jeff and I have pretty opposite personalities in many ways. He has always been super friendly and I am typically more unafraid to speak my mind. I am usually the one who makes snide remarks or something that makes everyone laugh. That’s what I’m known for. All of my friends and my family know that Kacky will tell you how it is, but I try to do it with humor. Honestly, that side of me has been great in my role as a mom and in teaching other kids who are not my own in addition to other students. It is so important to be confident in your ability and not be afraid

Kacky and Jeff smiling as a young couple. Although Kacky didn’t remember the first time meeting her husband, Jeff definitely did!

Kacky and Jeff got married on August 15, 1992.

In that regard, I try to be as friendly as possible to people and not always just obnoxious, but I am not afraid to confront people. If I think something in a situation is wrong, I am never afraid to address the problem head on. When I was a child, my mother did this all the time and I was always so embarrassed. The worst part about it was that she was never forceful enough about it so no one would listen to her. I learned to be confident in what I know is right. I have learned so much about respecting others, but I also don’t think that you should bend over backwards for people. The biggest thing I learned about being a mom is going out of my comfort zone.

Being a mother has taught me to pick up worms, you know, to like do things that I would never ever do. When there’s these little boys standing there waiting for you, you have to pick it up and not show fear. Being a mother taught me that I have to step it up and step out of my comfort zone to be a good role model for my family. If I teach my kids to not be afraid—of something like worms—then I have to show them what it looks like not to be scared.

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Mothers cannot be afraid, but instead, be courageous! For example, my oldest daughter used to hate talking on the phone. Honestly, I hated talking on the phone just as much as she did, but sometimes we need to do hard things. I quickly realized that situations consistently arise where I need to put away my fear and make actionable decisions. I used to tell myself in college how badly I wanted to be a mom. I loved opportunities to push myself past my innate desire to avoid situations that relied on myself. As a mother, these challenges are necessary for the protection and care of my family.

It is okay to confront propositions if we do not understand the context of situations or conversations. In fact, we have an innate responsibility to correctly articulate our positions, thoughts, and desires. Though it is one of the most difficult pieces of motherhood, understanding as a virtue is incredibly crucial.

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Kacky has homeschooled all eight of her children and finds so much joy in watching them grow into strong, smart, and courageous individuals.

The Kasinski Family (2017) From left to right: Archer, Camryn,Curtis, Celine, Gus, August, Carly, Calvin

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“BEING A MOTHER TAUGHT ME THAT I HAVE TO STEP UP & STEP OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE TO BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR MY FAMILY.” What was one of the hardest parts about becoming a mother?

When I became a mom, I remember very clearly the moment when everything hit me. Jeff had stayed home for two weeks after I had Camryn and I can remember sitting in the rocking chair in her room holding her and watching Jeff get into his car as he drove away to go back to work one morning. And I remember thinking to myself, “he thinks I can do this.”

Immediately, it hit me. “Oh my gosh, I better be able to do this. Because he thinks when he comes home we will all be alive. I better figure this out.” It was a moment when the reality of my new role smacked me in face. “Okay, Kacky, you have to figure out how to do this.” That was a big moment of motherhood. It was at that moment I realized that I can keep a baby alive for eight hours all by myself. And it was in that I learned to advocate for myself and how to advocate for 19

my children and why it is so important. Someone needs to speak up for you and I learned to do just that and how to rely on my intuition and role as a mother. I couldn’t rely on anyone else when it came to sticking up for myself. It was all up to me.

There was one day, when my oldest was two or three months old, and I remember thinking, “Okay, today she’s not going to cry once. I’m going to do it.” I figured I knew everything she needed at that point. I was confident she wouldn’t cry.

Well, I’m telling you, like 20 minutes later, she’s screaming. I don’t know what the problem was, but it was just… so stupid. I truly believed that I was going to teach myself and be perfect. I was going to be able to make it so she would never have to cry. Oh, so that was just really funny. It was a small first.

How did you get through all the bumps in the road?

Similarly, because I was so young, I had many firsts in my life and was the first in my friend group to experience a lot of things. I was the first of my friends to get married and have children. None of my friends even had a fiance at the time. Even though I wasn’t successful in the eyes of the world, I learned that I could do things on my own and rely on myself. Figuring things out on my own really made me grow up not having to rely on my husband, my mom, or anyone else. I had to do it myself. I even had to find other mom friends on my own. I did that through Discovery Toys.

Discovery Toys is a company who designs and sells kid-friendly toys to families, most specifically mothers. Their products range across the board from newborn baby toys to toys for early school-aged kids. The company has a marketing angle where they use interested mothers to advocate and help sell their products to other mothers around the area. I figured this would be a great way for me to get involved in their mission and meet other young mothers like myself.

The process for reaching out to mothers around the area was rigorous and I placed massive amounts of cold calls during my time as a Discovery Toys advocate. I would ask if they would like to view our catalog and bring over some toys for them to try out. Often, my offers would get

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“I MADE THE DECISION TO HAVE KIDS & BECAUSE OF THAT DECISION, I CHOOSE TO LOVE & CARE FOR THEM IN EVERY WAY THAT I CAN.” rejected, but eventually some families began to done, she would just tell. She would never phrase accept my calls and I was able to showcase my anything nicely, and would practically command products. In visiting these families, 4 of those him around like she was the boss. women became my great friends. It truly was a I remember there were two occasions when I great learning experience, even though I failed tried to nag Jeff. He didn’t act out with frustration consistently throughout the process and it taught or any such reaction. He simply was not going to me that I do not have control over everything. The do something if I commanded him to do it. For cycle never ends and I need to continue to keep this reason, I can count on two hands the amount my head up and always pursue learning. of times that I have asked him to do something, I learned that as a mother, I am a guide, and not at least out of a normal context. As opposed to the master of my children. I can offer my experi- how my mom would see it, Jeff is not my butler. ence, my guidance and my prayers for them and That is not how we work. Our life is a partnership. hope they pursue goodness in their life, but if they In that, the second thing I learned is that being fall down a darker path, I need to understand that a wife is being a best friend. I was always shocked my role is to simply be there for them and pray to see our good friends. Something in particular that any failure is mitigated. Frequently, I find that shocked me was seeing our good friends (who myself in the position of doing all that I can for were married) get into constant fights. I imagined my children, yet having to yield to their willingness from their perspective, how would they even want and learned ability to take risks and make their to be friends, let alone married? We need to learn own decisions. how to enjoy every situation with our best friends.

Another key virtue that I learned is that it is What are three things that you learned okay to be both an independent and dependent woman. It is okay, and in fact necessary, to have from being married? my husband be a priority in my life. A common All wives are so incredibly different, especially in misconception that I hear is that mothers are personality and demeanor. An example of this switching priorities from husbands to children. is that I am absolutely nothing like my mom. I There should be a balance of priorities because grew up in a house where my mom nagged my our husbands should always be prioritized and dad all the time. When she wanted something integrated. It becomes easier to balance the rela20

tionship of family priorities once children grow up, because at this point, I can be both their friend and their guide.

I remember when my good friend called to wish me congratulations on the birth of my first son. During the call, my friend asked, “So, Kacky, what’s the best thing about having a boy?” I didn’t realize it at that moment, because up until that point, I was purely focused on my husband. I would always tell myself, “He’s the only man for you.” But then... this little boy came into my life and taught me that I could love another boy. It made it extra special that I have to boys in my life that I can share my love and care. Being able to share my love equally throughout my family fulfilled me and my desire to care for them.

extremely hard. I remember being judged as a young mom for not having memorized certain prayers. I am not afraid to say that I don’t care about those outside opinions. I feel just fine reading those prayers off of printed cards. A long time ago, that level of judgement and comparison used to make me feel embarrassed.

Pope John Paul II once wrote in a pastoral constitution, Gaudium Et Spes, “Man... cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself.” What is your response to this quote?

It ties in deeply with my previous statements regarding that one shouldn’t compare themselves to others or try to live up to the superficial exDo you feel fulfilled as a woman in society? pectations that other people make for you. In addition, it goes hand in hand with the notion that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others or try to Fulfillment is a decision. We all have free will, and live up to other people’s expectations. Falling into our role is to exercise our free will to actionably achieve fulfillment. We have the ability to make these false realities can shortchange everything decisions, so when we choose one route or anoth- that you can be and that you are made for. For exer, we need to actively fulfill that choice. I chose ample, there were a few times when I was about to to be married, therefore, I spend my time doing go out to a bookclub to see all my friends and have things a married woman would do. I made the de- fun but I had to stay home and help my sons with cision to have kids and because of that decision, their car or have a tough conversation with a kid I choose to love and care for them in every way who was misbehaving. I knew of my desire to be that I can. with my friends and have that part of me fulfilled, Some people think that unfulfillment equates but then I realized that that’s not my duty. I know to loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted. that I have a wifely and motherly duty and at the Some people think that when there is adversity end of the day, I know that there is more grace in present in their life and their life isn’t perfect, then doing the right thing that I don’t necessarily want that means they made a bad decision. It’s just a to do. It doesn’t mean that those who do all these bump you have to get over. I always pray and trust right things are necessarily better than anoththat what I’m doing is right. er person, but when one “dies to themself” and fulfills a duty, they become the person that God What advice would you give to your meant them to be. We have to acknowledge who we are and the higher call that God created us for. younger self?

I would tell myself to not freak out and to avoid comparing yourself to others. It’s okay to be different. For example, we’re like the only family we know who watches the Simpsons, the UFC, and that’s okay. It is important to be yourself and not succumb to fear telling you anything otherwise.

Never compare yourself to someone else.

Before social media came along, I learned how to avoid comparing myself to others, but it was 21

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“I KNOW THAT I HAVE A WIFELY AND MOTHERLY DUTY AND AT THE END OF THE DAY, I KNOW THAT THERE IS MORE GRACE IN DOING THE RIGHT THING THAT I DON’T NECESSARILY WANT TO DO.”

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BORN & RAISED HOUSTONIAN, BEA IS A DAUGHTER, MOTHER, GRANDMOTHER, SISTER, & FRIEND. SHE HAS BEEN TRANSFORMED BY HER FAITH & HER WILL TO NEVER GIVE UP. HER RESILIENCE IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER & HAS PASSED ON HER STRENGTH TO HER THREE DAUGHTERS. what we had. My siblings and I would play with simple board games and come up with our own. I I grew up here in Houston, Texas and I’ve been remember she made us play outside all the time. there my whole life. I remember bits and pieces Sometimes, I would think that she was trying to of my childhood, but overall, I think it was a hap- get rid of us by getting us out of the house. Maybe py one! My father was very strict and my mom that was part of it because she was trying to clean, stayed home with us and we all went to Catholic or something. You can do something like that. But school. I remember from a very young age, we all I look back and I think that was wonderful that had our chores to do—there were so many of us, we played outside so much and we knew all the so it was necessary. I am the fourth child. One of neighborhood kids. We all rode around on our the very first chores I had to do was to wash the bikes and it wasn’t scary back then to be outside dishes. Mom said I didn’t have to, but I wanted to! for that long.

So then I remember her teaching me to put a chair I never had a feeling of not feeling safe at near the sink for me to stand on and singing, “This home as a kid. We didn’t even lock our front door. is the way we wash the dishes, wash the dishes.” We had a screen door and we always left it open She made it fun! So that’s why I think when I do at night. Then at night, in the summertime, I things for my kids, I always try to make it fun. She remember there would be an attic fan that would always has a really good outlook. blow the air through our house and out of our She grew up very poor and she never knew to open windows! I just remember laying in the bed buy us fancy things so she made the most out of sometimes feeling the coolness of it and feeling

What was your childhood like?

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“I THINK IT’S SO IMPORTANT THAT I ALWAYS FELT SAFE & PROTECTED. I THINK THAT’S ONE OF THE THINGS I ALWAYS TRIED TO HELP MY CHILDREN FEEL.” very safe, protected. I think it’s so important that I always felt safe and protected. I think that’s one of the things I always tried to help my children feel. .

Can you tell me more about your parents?

My parents are Mexican and were both born in Texas. Their parents immigrated from Mexico to Texas and only spoke Spanish at home. That is why my dad values education so much—because back then, they were held back. Both of them were held back three years because they didn’t know English. They didn’t have an ESL back then. Teachers would get angry because students weren’t allowed to speak Spanish, and if you did, you’d get in trouble. It was really hard for them to pick up English because they only spoke Spanish at home. They really didn’t have friends at school for a while, but there was a group of kids that only knew Spanish, so they hung out together until they were really able to learn English. My parents had to overcome so many trials. My mom, because of her language barrier at that time, felt so insecure. One time she told me that when she started getting comfortable with her English in Junior High. At that time she was assigned to do a book report. She was so scared to stand up in front 26

of the class to do that. She wrote the book report and she asked the teacher if her friend could present it for her. They wouldn’t do that nowadays, but her teacher let her do it!

What was your education like growing up?

I started out Kindergarten at a public school but ended up bouncing around private and Catholic schools in the area. I liked some of them and hated others. When I was in Junior High, I had to switch Catholic schools. When I first got to the new one, the other girls were so mean to my friend and I, who was also new. I spent 6 months begging my mother to let me transfer back to public school and eventually she did. I went back to Catholic school for high school and I enjoyed it! I got a good scholarship to Incarnate Word College in San Antonio, but for some reason, I didn’t have the support or motivation to truly look into it or talk about it with my parents, so I ended up not accepting it. I still wanted to go to college. At the time of college searching, I was dating my older daughters’ father. He was a bit older at 22. We ended up getting married in January after I graduated high school. I was 19 years old. I enrolled at the University of Houston (U of H) since I wasn’t

interested in a job with pay that was a whole lot greater than my current one. They said that it was at another bank across the street! At this new job, I was an administrative assistant. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted to do in my long term career, but the money was great. I had to type so much back then! We didn’t have computers. We had the typewriters and it was hard at first, but I got so good at it after a while.

I’ve always had tough bosses that had super high expectations and didn’t really know how to treat people with respect. It was exhausting work and I had to keep doing my absolute best. I always worked for people like that. There were always people in my departments that were nice and easy going, so that helped me every day. The fortunate thing about my bosses is that they always gave me more responsibilities. Sometimes I had no idea what I was doing, other times I flew through the tasks. I always felt included in important events, meetings and contracts and I learned a lot. One of my bosses was so good at what he did and he taught me so much. It was expensive work, but I was able to move my way up the ranks with promotions and I was able to experience the nicer things in my job!

Unfortunately, this all came to an end when Bea in 1984.

I lost my job. I was unemployed for about 7 Family and friends always got her months and this was despairing for me. I needed through the toughest moments. Just a few the income and nothing was coming up. At this years later, she would meet Mike, the love of her life. point, I was divorced and had been raising my two daughters without their father’s help. It was hard working but had to get a job soon to support my and I got pretty depressed, even my family and family. I became more busy and soon realized that friends noticed. It was just so hard and everybody my husband didn’t want me to go to school any- could see it. One time in an interview, this lady more. I was pregnant. He didn’t want to work. He told me, “I have no doubt that you have the skills, didn’t want to take care of her. He expected me but you are so sad!” I was so young. I was not even to do all of that. That was really hard. I had to quit 30 yet. Everything was just bad and I got so sad. school. After that, we got divorced, and I went back to school. I was able to get part-time jobs What helped to get you through the lowest here and there while I went to school and I made moments of this time? it work. It was like that for a while.

By this time, I was dating Mike, the love of my life.

What has your career experience been like? He is my youngest daughter’s father. But at the time, we were just dating but he helped me out In ‘77 I started working as a clerk at a bank in Tex- financially. He was such a good man. as. It was in the commercial loan department. I I had some friends and they asked me to go was there for about two or three years when running with them. First of all, I didn’t even think I somebody called me and asked me if I would be could run. I had asthma growing up and my mother 27

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always told me I could never participate in a PE. So when I started running, I didn’t know if I would have an asthma attack, although I hadn’t had one in like, four or five years. I think I just grew out of it—thank goodness. I finally decided to join my friends in some little runs, about 2 or 3 miles. My friend invited me to join their running group of about 5 people and would run every morning at five o’clock, so I joined them!

I started running 5 miles and it kept increasing.

I loved it. Running like that made me have a better outlook of life during the day. It gave me a sense of confidence and I was feeling better. I did still have my bad days but I felt stronger. Since I was feeling better physically, I felt better, emotionally and mentally. So I would start my days with a run and even go after work, too. I would pray when I ran. That’s how I was able to make it through.

I was so adamant about running and exercising everyday that I lost a lot of weight. I started to run better and faster. Everyone told me to start doing races so I signed up for a half marathon. After I ended up doing that, I was so excited! I thought to myself, “Gosh, I’m going to do another one.” I just kept running. I think I have run a total of 25 races.

“I FELT THAT BACK THEN, I WAS IN SURVIVAL MODE.”

bye, but I had to go. The next job I got was a lot, but I am proud of what I went through and who I’ve become. I was there for 16 years. They basically had three different levels of my position and I flew through those and became an executive assistant. It was tough and grueling work with a lot of contracts and negotiations because we were a drilling company. This was the boss that had very defined expectations, but included my in everything. I was able to learn so much. He would include me in meetings and I learned what was How did you get back into the workforce? needed for these contracts and how to negotiate. I just saw what he did and picked it up myself, I finally got another job and I worked at a depart- since he was really good at what he did. I’m just so mental agency and mainly did secretary work. thankful for that. Sometimes, you have to work It was definitely very boring, but I had no other really hard to get these high achievements and option at the time. I just felt like I needed to get it’s so true. I was given opportunities and I took back to work . The pay was okay, but I needed it. advantage of them. I had to be persistent and I worked there for about a year and a half since showed that I could do the work, even if I didn’t Mike and I had decided to get married. One day, feel like I could. I am proud that I never gave up my cousin from San Antonio called me and she throughout all those years. said that this Catholic school in Houston needed a secretary. I told her that the pay was not good What were some of the challenges that you enough but Mike told me, “Bea, if this will make faced while being a young mother and how you happy, then just take it. You know that we’ll did you overcome them? be fine. Get out there.” I had never thought about working at a school before, so I knew this was go- When my two oldest daughters were young, it was ing to be something so different for me. hard balancing my work, paying for rent, paying for daycare, etc. I feel like back then, I was in survival What is your greatest accomplishment in mode. I hate to say that, but I really was living from check to check and I hated that. your work experience?

I felt like there were things I wanted to give I soon switched jobs from the school to become them—I wanted to do for them—but I couldn’t. an administrative assistant. It was a tough good- So, I tried to do the things that didn’t cost a 28

Bea with her oldest daughter, Salina, and her youngest daughter, Hannah.

lot of money. For example, I had them join the Girl Scouts and I became a Girl Scout leader so that I could be with them. So when they started selling cookies, it helped them so much so that they could experience amazing things. My oldest daughter sold so many cookies one year that she was able to go to camp for free. These experiences were really good for them and they really liked it. I felt like I had to work even harder so that they could do that. But again, I did feel this sense that I was in “survival mode” and I really hated that because I couldn’t do anything about it. Their father was not helpful or in their lives the way he should have been, so I always needed to protect them from that, too.

My parents were also very instrumental in supporting my girls. They would’ve done anything for us and all their kids. When my oldest daughter, Selena, was in junior high, she played the flute and they would always come and see her concerts even though they live way on the other side of town. When my other daughter, Serena, had Girl Scout ceremonies or drill team performances, they would be there every single time! It’s like they never stopped being supportive. They never stopped. And even now, my mom is so thoughtful with all of the kids. As elderly as she is now, 29

every Christmas, she always gives each child a gift—even if that means sending her caretaker to the dollar store to get them something. She used to do that for us when we were younger and it amazes me to see her do it for all her grandkids now. It has been so special.

When I got married after highschool, I was still living at home. So I went from being married and then getting divorced, I felt a little afraid, partly because I didn’t know how I was going to live, financially. My husband kept telling me he wasn’t going to give me anything, and he ended up quitting his job so he didn’t have to pay me. The judge gave him 30 days to get a job. So he got a job at a stop-and-go place. They paid him $5 an hour or so. Then the judge told him, “We’ll give you $30 a month.” Anyway, I just finally had to get over that and just forget it and just try to do what I could do.

But I remember crying about it too, when it got worse. I prayed so much to God to help me get through it. I needed a better job! Sure enough, I got a promotion. That’s when I moved up to the real estate department and I got a $25,000 increase in my salary. It was unbelievable. Then, there were these contests at work that if you sell a certain amount of properties, you’d get a good commission. My boss was so nice that he would

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even share his with me since I would help him sell the properties. It was wonderful. I got one of these commissions right before Christmas, so I was able to buy my girls new bikes for Christmas. I just remember thinking that God really had provided and that I really had to keep my faith.

“I KNOW THAT I COULDN’T ALWAYS PROVIDE THEIR MATERIAL DESIRES & NEEDS, BUT I COULD GIVE BOTH MY CHILDREN & GRANDCHILDREN WHATTHEY NEED SPIRITUALLY, EMOTIONALLY— EVERYTHING.”

How would you describe the experience of being a mother of two daughters with families, a mother of a graduate student, and a grandmother?

I think it’s wonderful. When I lost my husband, I remember feeling like my life was over. Someone told me at the funeral, “You’re going to be blessed with family,” and I didn’t know what they meant. I had one grandchild at that time—and I have seven now. I’m the one that has the largest family in my family, of all my brothers and sisters, so I feel very blessed. All my children and grandchildren are so good, too!

In a way, I feel like I can do a lot for my grandchildren in being instrumental in their life and make an impact. I always hope I did this with my own children. I know that I couldn’t always provide their material desires and needs, but I could give both my children and grandchildren what they need spiritually, emotionally—everything. I know that I’m not my grandchildrens’ parent so I feel like I can have a lot of fun. I’m able to experience some of the childhood experiences that I wasn’t necessarily able to share with my own daughters.

So there has been some healing for me in that.

There has always been a sense of worry in the back of my mind of not being present enough in my daughters’ lives, but I’ve made sure that I don’t just go through the motions when I am with my family.

For my 60th birthday, we all went to Disneyworld. That’s what I wanted to do. I couldn’t ride big rides with them, but we all had an amazing time.

I realize now that at that time, I was so happy. It was like heaven on earth. I rented this big house that we all could fit in. We played games all night when we came home and we had so much fun.

How did you and your husband meet?

Well, we were running in a race and he was running with another guy. I started to run past them and 30

he said, “You know, they give tickets to people who go too fast.” So I just said, “Well, you know, they give tickets to people that go too slow.” I just took off. Sure enough, at the end-of-race gathering, he came up to me and started talking. He asked me for my number and I gave it to him! He didn’t call for a couple of weeks. When he finally did call, he said he remembered the whole number except for the last number. So he just dialed every number until he got to me.

It’s funny. I’m so amazed at how God truly puts things into place. I actually knew my husband before we had even really met!

I didn’t know him well, but I knew he had dated and gone out with this girl that I went to high school with. He was a little older, so I didn’t really realize who he was. We knew so many of the same people and it was just so phenomenal that we had never met. We started talking about our families at one point and when he started mentioning his cousins, I told him, “Oh my goodness, they’re my friends! My mother is their godmother!” and other connections like that. We both started to get worried that we were related! We weren’t.

But it was still so weird that we knew each other’s’ families and came from similar roots.

Do you feel accomplished as a woman in society?

Bea and her late husband, Mike, in 1999 at a work holiday party.

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I do. Now I do. I probably did about five years ago.

I did, but I think I feel a lot more confident with myself. If I died today, I would be okay with it because I did what I was supposed to do in this life.

I’m sure God has other plans for me to continue doing his work in some way somehow, but you know, until he’s ready. I feel accomplished in my skills, skillset, work, how I talk to people and in all different aspects of my life. I pretty much raised my daughters by myself. I raised my older daughters and my younger daughter, Hannah—which I had no idea I was going to raise another daughter. They have all grown up to be beautiful adults and starting families. I gave them a foundation and now, it’s up to them to take it into their life. I think this is my biggest accomplishment—raising strong women. I think they’re all very confident, independent, and strong.

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One of Bea’s greatest accomplishments is watching her grandchildren grow and be raised by her strong and resilient daughters. She supports them in every way that she can and finds so much joy in the fruit of the hardwork of their parents.

One of the most important things I think a woman should do is have the ability to take care of herself. I never doubted that I could take care of myself, but I doubted that I could take care of my daughters when I first got divorced. It was tough, but it made me a stronger person. I know how I could take care of them through all of the circumstances and it has given them what they needed to get through rough times. My youngest daughter, Hannah, and I have our own difficulties and different challenges, too, but I know that our challenges have made us so strong.

I do feel very content with myself. I know so many people say, “Oh, you should get married again!” I know that if it happens, it happens. I don’t feel like I have to do anything to make it happen.

I feel like every relationship was meant to be for whatever reason. I’m not going to say that I totally regret my first husband because I wouldn’t have Salina or Serena. I do think that was all God’s plan.

Mike, Hannah’s dad, truly was the love of my life. It was a wonderful experience for me. If I had never experienced love like that, then I would proba32

bly feel the need to still look for it. It was all so wonderful and now, I am so happy with my life. But I wouldn’t mind going out to dinner with a man or something, you know?

What are some of your favorite qualities about yourself?

One would be my sense of leadership. I like to be in control, in a sense, to make sure it’s done the way it’s supposed to be done. I try not to overstep bounds for people who are not like that. I think that’s the leader in me. I also try to be kind and generous. I have been very blessed in so many ways, so I want to give back.. I always try to help the needy. I think I’m honest, too!

I also try to be extra loving, affectionate, and nurturing because my parents weren’t very affectionate or loving growing up. They were nurturing and would take such good care of us, but I don’t remember ever receiving a goodnight kiss or a congratulatory hug from them. They weren’t bad and I know they loved us so deeply, but they were

just not affectionate. I had a hard time with this.

The only time I remember being held was when I was suffering from severe asthma and my mom would hold me and rock me. My sister told me once that she would get so jealous of me. In turn, at the time, I was also not as affectionate with others as I wished I had been. I’ve tried more with Hannah and she probably doesn’t think of it much because she’s grown up with love and affection!

But it didn’t come naturally and I had to work on this. However, the hard work was worth it as I can see the positive effects of giving hugs and kisses to my children. It is rewarding as a mother to also receive affection from my two older daughters who did not grow up with this affectionate version of me. I love it when my daughter, Saline—who doesn’t normally reach out to hug me, or anything—gives me a big kiss. I know that she loves me. It has been a struggle not knowing if my daughter held some resentment against me all these years because of all that she and her sister have been through. But now, I feel like her affection is a sign of her love for me. It deeply affects me. Now, I enjoy being affectionate and allowing myself to show my emotions.

What advice would you give to your younger self?

Number one, always have faith in God and always persevere and work hard for whatever it is you are working towards. Be confident in yourself and don’t let anyone tear you down. In my younger years when I was working, I do remember people trying to belittle me. I realize now that people do that to make themselves feel better—even if they don’t realize it at the time. They truly made me feel bad and it affected me and caused me to doubt myself.

When my daughters got married, I told them that they should be married for the relationship and not so that they can be taken care of. You should be able to take care of yourself. You should look for someone who loves you and then, in turn, will take care of you. But look for love first, and not comfort. Don’t love for the wrong reasons.

My husband, Mike, told me that that’s what he admired about me. I had such a bad experience in marriage and I told him I could never 33

marry again. He never left me regardless of my strength and independence. He loved the way that I raised the girls. He told himself he would never marry anyone who had been previously married, but nevertheless, he admired me and how I overcame all the challenges in my life. He loved going to church on Sundays with us and seemed to gravitate to our Catholic faith and the way I lived it out.

I don’t think I would have made it through all the challenges if I didn’t have God. He was my strength. I would tell my younger self that He will get you through these hard times.

I remember when I was in sixth grade, my parents would go to the eight o’clock Mass every Sunday and I just wanted to sleep. I thought to myself, “When I become an adult, I’m never going to go to church.” Oh my goodness, I can’t imagine not having God in my life!

Pope John Paul II once wrote in a pastoral constitution, Gaudium Et Spes, “Man... cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself.” What is your response to this quote?

We are here because God created us. We have to accept it. We live the life that God wants us to live and accept that we’re here to serve God and love ourselves and others.

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“THEY HAVE ALL GROWN UP TO BE BEAUTIFUL ADULTS & STARTING FAMILIES. I GAVE THEM A FOUNDATION AND NOW, IT'S UP TO THEM TO TAKE IT INTO THEIR LIFE. I THINK THIS IS MY BIGGEST ACCOMPLISHMENT— RAISING STRONG WOMEN.”

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BEATRICE LICEA

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MO IS A MOTHER, SISTER, DAUGHTER AND HEART OF HER FAMILY. BORN AND RAISED IN NIGERIA, MO IMMIGRATED TO THE UNITED STATES TO SUPPORT HER FAMILY IN HER COUNTRY AND RAISE A FAMILY. TO HER, MOTHERHOOD IS HER GREATEST GIFT AMIDST ALL THE CHALLENGES THAT MARRIAGE AND SOCIETAL ISSUES CAN INFLICT. second daughter out of eight children. God used me as if I was the first child. I grew up in a culture My name is Modesta. I was born and raised in where you are raised and then you have to raise Nigeria and I came to the United States in 1997 other people. So God used me to put my siblings when I was 22 years old. I love my family so much. through school over there. I could only do this by I also believe in doing the right thing and helping the grace of God—not because I was financially whoever I can on this earthly journey with God. wealthy, but because I sacrificed. If I needed milk, I just wouldn’t buy it because I had to send the Can you tell me a little bit about your child- money to my parents. It is a country where there hood and how you came to have this kind is no free education. If you do not have anyone paying for your school fees, you are going to be of love for others? an illiterate.

I had a very good childhood, although for some My parents were devoted Christians and 10 people, it might have seemed tough and diffi- of us lived in a two bedroom apartment. There cult, but to me, it was normal! From the age four, was no such thing as having your own room or my siblings and I woke up at 4am every morning anything that my kids enjoy here in the States. to pray with our parents and help mom cook all We lived a communal life of sharing with practithe food she would sell at her restaurant before cally everything. You would just lay down wherever going to school. I am the fourth child and the you could find a spot. The same thing would go

Can you tell me a little bit about yourself?

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for food. We would all surround one small tray of food and ate simultaneously while the older siblings would help the younger ones . There was no room for selfishness. We enjoyed a prayerful, happy and loving environment even though my parents were financially average. That’s pretty much how we grew up. Over time, I was motivated to help my family because I saw how my oldest sister finished high school and was not ready for marriage yet. Over there, if your parents do not have money to put you through college, then it’s forfeited and you are expected to get married immediately after high school graduation at 17 or 18 years of age and help your parents and siblings through your husband’s income. My sister refused to get married at such a tender age because she wanted to further her education; subsequently, the struggles of my family motivated me to step up, work hard and alleviate their sufferings.

As a child, Mo was always very charismatic and open to learning new things .

What was it like for you to go to school in the US? I only had $100 pocket money when I came over here. When I realized that you can go to school and work at the same time, I was amazed. I had never heard of that before. So I went to Western Union and sent the $100 back to my dad and told him, “I can earn money and go to school here!”

They needed it more than I did. I got trained as a certified nursing assistant before I enrolled in El-Centro college in Texas to study computer information systems and worked as much as I could. Some days, I worked 16 hours in a nursing home and when someone calls off work abruptly, I would jump at the opportunity to continue working. Sometimes, I would work for 24 hours, rest for a few hours, and resume work.

I was an international full-time student so I also couldn’t carry less than four classes. I wasn’t a citizen back then; thus, my classes were more expensive than in-state and out-of-state students. I worked vigorously to attain my full potential and if I got any grade less than a 4.0, I wouldn’t be happy with myself until my desired grade is achieved. I worked hard to support myself while financially taking care of my parents back home and putting many of my siblings through school. Later, I went to Dallas Barber and Stylist College to obtain my Cosmetologist License 38

which I utilized for my second job. My education became less expensive when I attended Northern Virginia Community College as a citizen in pursuit of my Instructor’s license. Later, I proceeded to Virginia Commonwealth University where I obtained a Bachelor of Science in Psychology.

I truly enjoyed the privilege of attending school here in the U.S because I worked and went to school, paid my school fees installmentally and eventually utilized student loans for the remaining two years of my studies. These are rare benefits that never existed in Nigeria.

What other big decisions did you have to make for yourself as a young woman?

As a young woman, I aspired to become a reverend sister. I also acquired good training and education from the novitiate after my postulancy, but later realized it wasn’t my vocation.

I had a couple of friends in college who went through a lot of difficulties getting their permanent residence. Some of them decided to go into fake marriages but some of them got hurt, abused, and sometimes, be forced to have abortion if they got pregnant. The fear of such experience helped me in the decision to go into early marriage to

“THE STRUGGLES OF MY FAMILY WERE WHAT MOTIVATED ME TO WANT TO STEP UP & ALLEVIATE THEIR SUFFERINGS.”

avert compromising my religious and moral values.

I had to be patient until God blessed me with my paperwork. I didn’t want to put myself in jeopardy.

I prayed for a good husband.

In the Nigerian circle in Texas, everyone was matchmaking. Those people recommended me to eight men and I narrowed them down to two. They were the only Catholics. It’s somewhat taboo to go against your parents wishes in my home country and my mom reinforced that she would not attend a protestant’s wedding. I was so scared to disappoint my parents by not marrying a Catholic.

Between the two men, I was able to see that one of them was a player who was already married.

That left me with the last man standing. I never went back to God in prayer to confirm if I chose the right man. I just assumed that he was. So that is why I cannot blame God for the things that have happened in my marital life because I made the decisions myself. He gave me free will and I decided to love, trust and marry my spouse then. We decided to have four children and God blessed us with four beautiful daughters and a life filled with moments that have made me stronger, by the grace of God. 39

What were some of the difficulties that you faced in your marriage?

I got married on the 28th of December, 1999.

The main difficulties I faced in my marriage was a lack of male providence, deception and infidelity.

There were many times when I felt disappointed by my husband. I was also disappointed in myself for trusting him blindly and also for my naivety as a young adult. It is normal to experience marital problems in this world as a woman, and I am no exception. I come from a culture that is rich in tradition, especially when it comes to marriage and the family circle. I made sure to stay honest and true to my beliefs and core values of how I was raised both at home and in the convent school. Even in the hardest moments, I was there for my husband.

Another difficult time in my marriage was when my husband was sick and in a coma for months. I didn’t have any family members to help me with our kids while I sat in the ICU with him.

I had to beg a client to hold my kids overnight. I prayed to God to protect my kids so that I could stay in the hospital ICU multiple times to take care of my sick husband.

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Were you always the one to support the family? How did you have the capacity to continue on?

“I HAVE ALWAYS WORKED SO HARD FOR MY FAMILY, BUT FOR YEARS, IT WAS NEVER ENOUGH.” He lost his job that gave us medical insurance before he got sick and I was juggling paying our children’s Catholic school fees, mortgage, bills etc.

I earned a living as a cosmetologist and managed a salon from home, so if there was no work, there was no money. The stress was overwhelming.

Consequently, I had a second miscarriage and lost our fourth baby.

One day, the doctors said that my husband would die at 5pm the next day, but with prayers and fasting, God restored him back to life. His sickness and recuperation took three and a half years in total.

Being in school for so many years made him work part time when he had a job, so I had to work harder to support our family with the hope that once he’s done with school, my sufferings would be alleviated as he promised. There were moments in which my husband failed in his roles and it affected my children and I negatively throughout the years. Even though we may not be together anymore, I still acknowledge him to be the earthly father of my daughters and pray that God will forgive him and help him be the father that I know my daughters deserve. I have always worked so hard for my family, but for years, it was never enough. Eventually, these stressors affected me negatively in all ramifications, but never spiritually. God has always sustained my daughters and I through everything. He consistently heals our broken hearts, even until now.

There were times when I couldn’t buy baby milk or baby diapers because we couldn’t afford them. I had to work so hard and so often that I never had any maternity leave. I would push a baby out one day, and the next day, I would return home from the hospital and resume work.

We couldn’t afford daycare, and I didn’t want my children to lack anything because I was working too much, so I ended up setting up a hair salon in our house. One of these times when I worked the same day as coming home from the hospital, I was taking care of a woman with a salon appointment and as I was working on her hair, the baby cried. I told her, “Let me check on my baby.” Looking at the video monitor, she said, “Oh, you just had a baby? How old is your baby?”

I said, “Two days old.” That lady almost fell out of the chair. She said, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t be here!” I said “ Don’t feel bad please.

If you let me work, you’re a blessing to me and my family because at least we can eat. I can buy diapers for the baby with the money I will earn from this service.” So that’s pretty much how it’s been for all these years. I would be pregnant and also have a baby on my back while taking in a bunch of clients simultaneously.

I held on to the hope that God would provide and that our family would get the assistance we needed once my husband received his Masters.

My daughters and I endured years of broken or empty promises, and I knew I couldn’t fix anything no matter how hard I tried, so I held onto trust and hope.

There was a time in my marriage when I went back to school to finish my degree since my husband was done with his education and was home with no job for two years. I would wake up early in the morning and drive two hours from Northern Virginia to VCU in Richmond, take my classes until 2 in the afternoon and drive back to Northern Virginia. Then, I would work at the salon until midnight, (at this point, our kids were a bit older and I worked outside my home) come home to cook the meals for the next day for my family, rest for a couple of hours, take a 5 Hour Energy

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drink, and repeat my day. I took care of everyone else, I worked so hard but I didn’t get the time to take care of myself. I just kept struggling and pushing with no relief from my husband.

motherly duties are made easier by God’s grace and also the help of their Grandmother. We also have a great support group of friends who are brethren in Christ. My children visit their father every other weekend as well and pray for him daily.

When did you decide that enough was enough? God made it possible for me to support the six of us, including my elderly mother.

I had enough with his deception and infidelity. I As a woman and a mother, it is my responsiknew I couldn’t do it anymore. I was giving up my bility to teach my kids the truth about God’s love life, my comfort, my everything to take care of our and protect them from any form of abuse. My family and support him, but he was still unfaithful. girls are strong. They survive rejections even when After our separation, I didn’t want to force him they pack their bags for weekend paternal visits as to leave the house because I didn’t want to break ordered by court and their dad doesn’t show up. up my family. I made him know that I was getting We had to fight through the pains and emotions physically, emotionally, and mentally sick of his of broken promises. I put this in the hands of God games and disrespect. I got emotional and he got and I have found that my girls are so rooted in their mad. He understood that I had enough and drove faith. It breaks my heart to raise my kids with their away. That was the last day that I saw him in that father as a source of tears and confusion. They house ever again. We were separated for a while are doing great and are even teaching their own before our divorce. I realized that the adverse catechism classes. Sometimes when they visit effects of an unhappy atmosphere wasn’t worth him, they preach to him about what is right. They forcing my ex to stay faithful to our marriage. bring Jesus to him and even as they meet oppoI also recognized it was enough when I discov- sition, they persevere. It is beautiful. One day, I ered our kids knew more about the problems in overheard one of my teen daughters on the phone our marriage. They knew that I wasn’t telling them with her dad saying, “Dad, I think you should be anything the whole time. They could see what he proud of mom. I was sick in that old house when wasn’t doing and what he was supposed to do. So you were there. Mommy was sick, too. You left when I realized that the kids could actually see us there. Mommy got us out of that mold filled more than I thought, that broke my heart because house and you should be proud of her for that.” I they knew more than I ever wanted them to know. didn’t know what he said on the other end, but I They had to know that adultery is not okay in any am grateful for them growing into responsible way, whether it’s the husband or wife cheating young women with a mind of their own. on the other.

As a daughter, I know what it’s like to have the love and affection from your father. I know that How did the difficulties in your marriage my daughters need closure from their father and affect your role as a mother of four? What I am determined to encourage their relationship with their dad whenever he makes himself is it like raising the girls on your own now? available as long as they are protected and not My daughters are amazing girls. Being their pri- jeopardized. My role is to help them understand mary caregiver has blessed me with the honor of how much they are loved by God, our heavenly serving God through them. I definitely gener- father. Motherhood is not easy, but it’s the most ate lots of oxytocin from them. The difficulties honorable job on earth. in my marriage made me stronger as a mother and helped me to do everything in my capacity Have you been able to move on and grow to make sure my children lacked nothing. Raising from these experiences? them in the fear of the Lord and making sure that I gave them the necessary support they needed to Absolutely! As I’m getting older, I realize that I accomplish their purpose on earth was important need to take better care of myself. I’m learning to me. Raising my girls alone and performing my to squeeze myself somewhere in my daily routine.

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“THE DIFFICULTIES IN MY MARRIAGE MADE ME STRONGER AS A MOTHER AND HELPED ME TO DO EVERYTHING IN MY CAPACITY TO MAKE SURE MY CHILDREN LACKED NOTHING.” I’ve been growing in ways to take better care of myself and my loved ones. I’m also growing in my independence and not being afraid to spend time alone. I always thought that I would grow old with my husband, so I had to change my deliberations as the unexpected happens in life. I have learned to put my trust in God. Overall, the struggles I went through and my life experiences made me wiser and stronger.

What brings you joy?

God and my children bring me a lot of joy. I’m so grateful for how God has loved me and how he’s been there for me all these years. On the days that I commuted for hours with barely any sleep, I would pray to God to get me home and keep me awake on the way. As soon as I got to the driveway and I opened the garage, my kids all ran downstairs to hug and kiss me. Even when I was too exhausted and I was still in my car, they Do you feel accomplished as a woman always met me where I was and greeted me with in society ? beautiful smiles and kisses. So everytime I came Yes. I feel very fulfilled. Even though there are home and saw my kids, I got so much energy, that things I may still want or need at this point in my I was ready to work for another 16 hours. life, I really do feel fulfilled. Why? Because I have I love cooking. I am happy when there are come to understand what fulfillment is. Happiness people eating my cooking. When I first moved to is what we make it. What brings us happiness is this country, I didn’t have anyone to care and cook not how much money or property we possess. for. When God gave me family, I never took that Money definitely makes life easier, but it doesn’t for granted. It was such a blessing to have children guarantee happiness. Being content makes one and be of service to them and serve God through happier and fulfilled. I know that human wants are them. Even though it has been challenging raising insatiable and our desire for more ends only when them here and there, I would do it all over and over our life ends here on earth. I am content with my- again. Every little thing I do, they appreciate. self as long as I have food in the bellies of my little I also love darling people up. I don’t care about ones. I lack nothing. And when I want something what you’re wearing on your body, but only how or when I need something, I pray to God and he you’re carrying your crown. I love doing people’s provides for us. hair! When I was in college and I would see a 43

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woman’s head that wasn’t kept, I would offer to do her hair for free. I just want them to look and feel beautiful and happy.

try, I encourage you to always take advantage of their help when making a major life decision. Your prefrontal cortex, the decision-making part of your brain isn’t developed until you’re about 25 What advice would you give to your or 26. Your parents won’t deceive you. Always consult your parents and then add their admoyounger self? nitions to your own knowledge. There’s an adage That is a beautiful question because that would they use in Nigeria or Provo, “Whatever your be a dream come true. I would tell my younger mom and your dad can see sitting down, when self to take your time—to look before you leap. I you climb the highest tree or skyscraper as a child, would have told my younger self to go with your no matter how old you are, you will never see it.” head and not just with your heart. I would’ve told This is just saying that your parents have seen so my younger self not to trust so easily and to get a much. They’ve been where you are. They’ve seen confirmation from God in every decision before it all. Sometimes, the suggestions they have for I go into it. I would tell my younger self that it is your life will save you from unnecessary detours okay to have some type of self happiness, too - of life that would hinder your growth to achieving not only taking care of everybody else. I would your purpose in life. have told my younger self to take care of yourself.

It’s also tough because at that age, I was so What are some of your favorite qualities reliant on my parents’ opinion and I didn’t know about yourself? how to make adult decisions. My parents were so far away and I didn’t know what was going on in Ooh, my most favorite quality about myself is this culture. But if I could give you advice since my faith. God blessed me with faith, but I always you have parents that live with you in this coun- desire to have an even stronger, unshakable faith.

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Do you feel like you made a difference in the world?

I believe so. I believe that God has made a difference in the world through me. Often, I like to think of that movie called, “It’s a Wonderful Life.” It’s about a man who has a lot of problems and can’t take it anymore but was shown what the lives of his friends and family members would have looked like if he was never born. That’s how I see myself and others. I believe God put us on this earth to impact people in our lives, whether it’s temporarily or permanently.

I know that a lot of people would have been illiterate and uneducated if I didn’t make those sacrifices. I haven’t mentioned this yet, but I declined an offer to a great nursing program in Dallas when I was younger and I couldn’t take it because I wouldn’t have enough time to work in the meantime and send money home. I had to make a decision between forgetting the people back home and focusing on finishing school or forgetting myself, walking out those orientation doors and continuing to send people through school. I have made a difference, but I prefer to give God that credit.

Pope John Paul II once wrote in a pastoral constitution, Gaudium Et Spes, “Man... cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself.” What is your response to this quote?

I believe that wherever we go, we are meant to touch the lives of people and be salt to the earth.

We are the light in this world. We must make sure that in whatever opportunities or spaces we step our feet in, we have to let people see God through our words and action by representing him in everything we do and say. He may not resonate with everyone’s heart, but your kindness in your words and actions will touch them. It’s a difficult life, but no form of self mortification for the other person goes unnoticed. God will reward us. Everyone is able to act no matter the capacity. We are not perfect like God, but as long as we are striving and trying our best, we touch others’ lives. It is so worth it.

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“I HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE, BUT I PREFER TO GIVE GOD THAT CREDIT.”

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Conclusion THE GOODNESS & GIFTS OF WOMANHOOD IS CRUCIAL IN OUR SOCIETY Living out a life that is self-giving is not easy. In a world that offers so much pleasure, success and comfort, it may seem crazy to sacrifice so much in this life. What the four women stories say about this worldview is that none of it will ever be enough until we give our whole selves to another every single day. Sacrificing one’s own comfort is worth it. As illustrated by the four women in this book, mothers have a special biological and emotional gift that allows them to share in the creation and growth of a life. The fact that so many women hold back from this openness to their capacity of giving and receiving life, whether it’s physically, emotionally, or spiritually show that we need to be called out of our own fear, doubts, and brokenness and challenged to become more than what we think we are—to become our best selves. This sense of change in our comforts or our plans often drives away many individuals from understanding the need for them to see hardships through. Oftentimes, individuals hold back because they are afraid to give and experience the unknown. Mothers, in many ways, you are forced to give. If one is afraid, then it might be a fear of giving oneself and being comfortable, but giving of oneself and experiencing change might be the one thing that makes life worthwhile. Every person is unique and unrepeatable and offers the world so much meaning and value. Each woman’s story has an example of this idea.

There is no doubt that the four women, who have shared their stories honestly and with vulnerability, have gone through heartbreaking or terrifying life experiences. There were moments of disappointment, doubt, brokenness and frustration in every area of their lives, but each came out of their experiences with new light and strength. In the moments of weakness or fear, they chose resilience. Hillary, Kacky, Bea, and Mo knew of their own needs and desires but always acted on what they thought was the greatest good for their family.

It took trial and error and many learning experiences, but each woman put their whole selves out there, remaining steadfast while enduring the uncomfortable. What was impossible became possible. We have no concept of how much love can grow. Their fulfillment came from the experiences in which they pushed themselves into a point where they didn’t think they could go. In the moments that were hard, uncomfortable, or unforseen, their hearts and minds were expanded. We as humans were made to hurt and break and grow—all for love and all for another. We must also understand the power of one’s story. Each woman had moments of self discovery—even in the duration of their interviews. In these times, they came to know that the power of life and growth had to be shared. They share these messages with every reader that comes across this book. Every person has a purpose and role in the world and in society. In order to realize it, one must recognize this truth, let themselves be healed, and let their hearts and minds be transformed into light.

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FOR MORE RESOURCES ON THE DIGNITY AND VALUE OF WOMAN: -Apostolic Letter Mulieris Dignitatem of the Supreme Pontiff John Paul II (On the Dignity and Vocation of Women) -Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World, Gaudium et Spes by Pope John Paul II -Letter of Pope John Paul II to Women

PHOTOGRAPHY: All photos were collected from each individual’s photo collections.

What does it mean to be a woman in modern society?

This book has been inspired by a movement of the heart to cast light into the fundamental questions that modern women ask themselves today.

By looking into the stories and honest testimonies with four women who have experienced the joys and sufferings of motherhood, one may come to nderstand the fulfillment achieved when one lives with goodness and virtue. These stories reflect the reality of human life—it is hard and oftentimes very dark. No woman has the same age, background, family lifestyle, or personality, but one thing that they do have in common is their belief that this life is not their own. There is a greater purpose to one’s own existence. You are invited to read their story and be touched as they recount their raw and personal journeys and discoveries. See how the darkness can be transformed into light.

JESSA CARLOS is an artist, designer, daughter, sister, and friend. She is passionate about connecting one’s visual experience with one of truth, goodness and beauty. You can find her eating ice cream, visiting different wineries or breweries in Virginia, and enjoying time with her family, friends, and new fiance, Andy.

Jeremy Stalcup Photography

WWW. JESSACARLOS.COM