ELISHA and the BEARS Libretto (By Stephanie Block) and Program Notes for an obnoxious operetta in one swift act
2 Kings 2:23-25 23
He went up from there to Bethel; and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, “Go away, baldhead! Go away, baldhead!� 24 When he turned around and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two shebears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys. 25 From there he went on to Mount Carmel, and then returned to Samaria.
Dedicated to Bishop Kurt Burnette, from whose mouth this story took on new dimensions.
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Program Notes for Elisha and the Bears – The Librettist Writes: Program notes? Yes, I suppose this sort of musical project could bear a few notes. Ha! Get it? musical notes? music/notes? bear? Ahem, well… There was once a priest. He’s since become a bishop but at the time of this story he isn’t. He’s a very interesting person. Besides being a wonderful priest, he’s really, really musical, both in the sense of knowing a lot about the repertoire and in the sense of being able to sing and play the piano. So he has a tender spot for Steven (Block, the composer) and picks on him a lot…or did, before he became a bishop. Bishops have to behave themselves, I suppose. He’s also extremely bright and mathematically gifted, unlike most of the folks in his congregations. Therefore, he is forever trying to help them remember important facts using mnemonic tricks. Let’s say he wants to impress 586 BC - the date of the Babylonian exile – on their minds. He might observe that the sum of its digits is the prime number 19 which is the maximum number of 4th powers needed to sum to any number. I have no idea what that means either, so the mnemonic is harder to remember than the date but, where it fails to be memorable, it is… amusing. Lastly, he shaves his head. Think Captain Picard of Star Trek, only monkish. So, during one particular evening service, when the Scripture portion concerned the Prophet Elisha –who, evidently, was bald – it was hard not to look up from the page and see that there was an incarnate graphic, standing before us: 23
He went up from there to Bethel; and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, “Go away, baldhead! Go away, baldhead!” 24 When he turned around and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys. 25 From there he went on to Mount Carmel, and then returned to Samaria. [2 Kings 2:23-25] Father, as I said, is pretty sharp and got the joke. So, after a few wry remarks about the obvious superiority of his preferred coif (or, rather, the lack thereof), he suggested that Steven ought to write an opera about this very important story. Steven laughed it off but I have these occasional, generally inappropriate, bouts of obedience. I thought it was a jolly idea. So, sort of following the spirit but not the letter of the suggestion, I nudged Steven to write an operetta. Voila! I suppose this is the point at which I ought to interject the disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. But, I don’t believe much in coincidences. There really are bears in the woods. So, watch it. Stephanie Block, librettist May 2014 iii
Dedicated to Bishop Kurt Burnette (who, whaddayaknow, shaves his head) Program Notes for Elisha and the Bears – The Composer’s Turn: There are far too many references, inside jokes and outside jokes as well, in the score to list here. Sacred references largely fall into the category of Byzantine Catholic current practice and include but are not limited to the reciting and reading tones of the character of the Priest and sometimes those of his parishioners (congregants) in this miniature operetta. Since current practice drills the pitch-class F into the minds of the priests and seminarians (and therefore the cantors, choirs, and congregants), the operetta’s pitch center is most obnoxiously centered on F, ad nauseum. Slight forays to centricity below (leading-tone) and above (G) as well as the natural minor are indulged in but only in relation to an F pitch center than remains insistent in conformity with current church practice. Several chant melodies (Prostopinije) that are normally reserved for singing sacred verses in practice are utilized in the operetta, most notably by the She Bears (who after all are only seeking their daily bread). Popular references also abound so that the listener who hears classical composers, popular song, or noted or unnoted rock to punk rock melodies will not be in error.
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Page |1 Elisha and the Bears (based on 2 Kings 2:23-25) CAST OF CHARACTERS Bald Priest 6 adult congregants; 2 children 2 She-Bears Bald Priest: A reading from Second Kings, chapter two – verses twenty-three to twenty-five: <ahem> “Then he went up from there to Bethel… Congregation: …he went up… he went up… Bald Priest: “… as he was going up to Bethel, by the way… Congregation: ….by the way… Bald Priest: “…young lads from the city came and mocked him, saying ‘Baldhead! Go you up, you bald head, Baldhead! Go you up!’ Congregant 1: Why do bald-heads not use keys? Congregant 2: Gosh…I don’t know. Congregant 3: I’ve no idea! Congregant 1: It’s because they’ve lost their locks… Congregant 2: Of course! Of course! Oh! Ha, ha, ha! Congregation: Oh! Ha, ha, ha!
Page |2 Bald Priest: “When he looked behind and saw them… Congregation: Go you up, you bald head, Baldhead! Bald Priest: “When he looked behind and saw them…” Congregation: Go you up Congregant 3: You’re so bald… Congregant 4: How bald would that be? Congregant 3: You’re so bald that I can see What’s on your mind! Congregation: Oh! Ha, ha, ha! Congregant 5: Now, that reminds me: Did you hear the funny joke about a bald man who was showering and got brain-washed…? Congregant 6: Or the fellow who slept all night On his hair and then forgot it? Congregant 1: He was bald, all right! Hey! Tell me if a bald guy ever gets a hairline fracture? Congregation: Ha, ha, ha! Bald Priest: People, please! This part’s important! Pay attention! “Then he cursed them in the Lord’s name. And two female bears came ambling From the woods to teach those mockers – Two and forty lads – a lesson.”
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Congregant 2: Give an example of time wasted. Congregant 3: What would that be? Congregant 2: A hair-raising story that you tell a bald man! Congregation: Yuck, yuck, yuck! Oh, “Go you up, you bald head, Baldhead! Go you up!” Bald Priest: People, please! Congregation: Yuck, yuck, yuck! Bald Priest: This part’s important! Pay attention! Congregation: Yuck, yuck, yuck! Bald priest: This scripture teaches that a pastor Can expect much opposition. Moses suffered so…as also Did Elijah and the prophets. We expect the World’s attacks… Congregation: Yuck, yuck, yuck! Bald Priest: Though it is bitter When they come from God’s own people… Congregation: Yuck, yuck, yuck!
Page |4 Bald Priest: I just can’t bear this any more… Congregation: Yuck, yuck, yuck! [Enter 2 Bears] Bear 1: Forty-two Congregant Meatloaf: You first Masticate to a fine grind and toss With thyme and oregano, onion and crumbs Some wild mushrooms, pepper and salt, A couple of quail eggs and four cups of milk. It’s lovely with barbeque sauce. Bear 2: Dear lady, I’m sure that’s delicious, but I Have my grandmother’s recipes – all exceptional. Try Forty-Two Congregant Marinade: Red wine With onions and carrots and garlic – all minced. Your very best olive oil…tarragon (dried)… Season and roast…to serve eight. Bald Priest: Pardon me – have you no sense of decorum? Bear 1: Certainly, Father. That’s why we’ve come. Bear 2: You did call for bears, those divinely blessed champions Of muchly maligned, bare-pated chaplains. Bald Priest: What? I did not! Bear 1: ….oh, you did! Yes, you did! Bear 2: You said, “I can’t bear this …” We heard you. Don’t fib! Bald priest: That means something quite different…
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Bear 1: …It means what it means. Oh! Forty-two Congregant Chops with Sour Cream! Bear 2: I’ve never prepared them that way. Bear 1: …it’s so good With bacon and parsley and soy sauce, flash-fried And served with a sour cream gravy… Bear 2: …I’m drooling! Bald Priest: Now stop it! This is a sacred place! Bear 1: Well, we wouldn’t eat them without grace! Bald Priest: You’ve misunderstood me! I’ve simply expressed A bit of frustration. It wasn’t a curse. Bear 2: We beg to differ. Second Kings, in chapter two – Um…I’ve forgot the verse … Bald Priest: Let me help. It’s verses twenty-three to twenty-five. Remember twenty-three is the first prime number in which both digits are prime numbers that add up to another prime – and that’s a five… being the second digit of the last verse. Or, you might recall there are twenty-three Axioms to Euclid’s Geometry…
Page |6 Bear 1: Yes, that’s quite helpful. And twenty-five is the smallest square that is also a sum of two squares. Not to mention the number of days, approximately, For a complete rotation of the sun. Bear 2: I’ll remember it now: in Second Kings, chapter two – verses twenty-three to twenty-five, the glorious, wise, and good creator of lesser beasts and Ursa Major has written it befalls the Bear to defend those who have no hair. Bear 1: Which brings to mind another treat: Larded crust, temptingly stuffed With apples and forty-two congregant mincemeat. Bald priest: While I do appreciate your sense of justice And culinary refinement, If you eat forty-two parishioners, Tithing will see steep declinement. Bear 2: From what we hear, good reverend, There is precious little to perpend. Congregant 4: It’s funny that you should mention this But just this morning I felt I might cope With a slight adjustment to the amount That gets put in our weekly envelope Congregant 5: How strange! I thought the same thing, I swear! Congregant 6: And I, as well! Bald Priest: So, you see…I don’t have Forty-two congregants here to spare!
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Bear 1: All right. I can see the predicament. We’ll give you a break and take twenty-one This time…as an object lesson. Bear 2: A tasty sausage might be broiled From twenty-one congregants… Bear 1: Which is very thrifty if you use the gristle and all the nasty bits… Bald Priest: I can’t spare even twenty-one! Bear 1: I’m sensing you’re loathe to discipline. Bear 2: Elisha was no vegetarian! Bear 1: Here’s a thought – give us two of your smallest, Too young to tithe. Stuffed with pimentos They’d really be cute in our daily martinis… Swimming about… Bear 2: …Ooooo, we could go “fishing!” Child Congregant 1: Honestly, Father, I have the notion That probably, maybe, I have a vocation… Child Congregant 2: Me, too - and really, it’s not right at all That seminarians die pickled in alcohol! Bald Priest: You see how it is – and I’m very sorry… Bear 1: You’ll regret your softness. Bald jokes today And tomorrow, you’ll find them playing bingo.
Page |8 Next day, it’s polkas in the plaza With accordions…and velvet Madonnas… Bald Priest: I’ll take my chances… Bear 1: The real Elisha would have let us eat them. Bear 2: The real Elisha was a true gourmand. [The offended bears amble off, sniffing indignantly.] Bald Priest [Turning on the congregation and scolding]: Did you learn your lesson? Are you quite contrite? Do you see that mockery isn’t right? Particularly when its hapless object Is an objectively glorious aesthetic statement? Congregant 5: I’m so ashamed… Congregant 6: …We’ve been so unfair… Congregant 4: I know a good joke about [congregation gasps]… a bear… [Congregation and Bald Priest end piece with a chorus of laughter.]