Save Ottumwa Post December 27, 2023

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•••••DECEMBER 27, 2023•••••

The Smartest Man In The World I opened my documents file of all the stories I had written, then typed in the search bar: “Tom is the smartest man in the world.” The computer searched my stories for a few moments and returned with nothing. “Wow. I need to broaden my search parameters,” I said.

I opened Google and typed in the search bar: “Tom is the smartest man in the world.” I was shocked at Google’s response: No results were found for “Tom is the smartest man in the world.”

“I can’t believe it’s true,” I said, dismayed. “But, if Google couldn’t find it – not even once, anywhere on the world wide web, maybe Mom was right.”

More than once, Mom told me, “Son, no one ever accused you of being the smartest man in the world.” But why?

Reflecting on her statement, I recalled a few (maybe a lot) of things I’d done that could have earned me that distinction.

For example, one time, I was thinking about dog paws.

People need to be aware of asphalt surfaces, especially in the summer. Blacktop roads, parking lots, and walkways become extremely hot in the sun and can burn a dog’s paws. But what about (Just the Other Day cont’d on pg 3)

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was spent skiing. When we took a break for lunch, my sons and I decided to hit the slopes rather than waste the afternoon in class. How hard could it be. My wife decided to sit it out since she did not have as many warm clothes as the rest of us. The boys and I were decked out in our finest hunting garb so were dressed warm enough. I Winter Sports did notice the rest of the skiers had brightly colSome people think ored coordinated outfits. we are in the midst of We were the only ones in global warming when camouflage. Walter, the actually, we are experiolder son, took off down encing the effects of the the mountain making it to periodic El Nino weather the bottom without incipattern. For the Midwest, dent. By the end of the this means we are having day, he was skiing the a drier and warmer than expert slopes. Damon and usual winter. This warm I were doing fine on the weather pattern is just bunny slope until I sudfine with me. I have never denly forgot how to turn been a big fan of winter and ran into one of those sports, so I do not mind if big steel poles that hold we have no snow or ice. up the ski lift. That hurt a I have attempted lot. I was done for the day several different winteras it was too painful to time outdoors activities stand up. Damon dewith only marginal enjoycided he had had enough, ment received from them. also. He was not willing to One year, we risk broken bones sliding went to my sister and down a mountain. Walter brother-in-law’s place in continues to ski to this Colorado over Christmas. day. The rest of us gave it Everybody decided we up permanently. needed to go skiing. The Snowmobiling local ski resort was only a is another winter sport I few miles away so we put never really got into. One on most of the clothes we year, my wife and I went to owned and headed out visit her relatives in Pennfor the day. Since none of sylvania. While we were my family had ever been there, it snowed close to on skis before, we thought four feet over a couple it might be wise to take of days. After we got the a lesson. We spent all sidewalk and roof shovmorning learning how to eled off, my brother-in-law put on our shoes, boots, decided he and I needed and skis. Very little time to go snowmobiling. It was

almost dark by the time we took off. Several feet of fresh powder covered everything. Most of the time, I was able to stay in the snow track Dick packed in front of me. We made it several miles from home in the middle of a large field before I got stuck.

It is not that easy to lift a several hundred-pound machine back onto the packed snow while standing chest high in fresh snow. By the time we made it back to the house, our wives had all but given us up for dead. I decided snowmobiling can be cold and dangerous. If Dick had not noticed I was no longer behind him or I was out there alone, I would been there until spring.

Ice fishing is another of those wintertime outdoors activities enjoyed by many. I have yet to find the joy in sitting on ice trying to catch a fish while freezing to death. In fairness to those that do enjoy ice fishing, I have never tried it with a heated fishing hut. I have sat on a plastic bucket with a twenty below breeze blowing down my neck. It was not fun plus I did not catch any fish. I will leave that winter sport to those willing to invest the thousands of dollars to do it the correct way.

I am fine with El Nino keeping our weather warmer during the winter.

I can find plenty of winter sports in which to participate as long as it is not cold outside.

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sidewalk I had shoveled earlier. I first thought the sidewalk was cold, but it the cold? How do dog paws handle the elements wasn’t as bad as I anticipated. I stepped into the of winter? snow on the edge of the Siberian Huskies and walk and began running. sled dogs are very accus- I turned left at the drivetomed to outdoor winter way and ran from the side conditions. Still, when of the house to the front they pull a sled in bityard. Harry ran right along terly cold conditions, the with me, “Are you sure musher will fit their team this is a good idea, Dad?” with booties to keep their I continued toward the paws from freezing. I’ve road, then turned left tried fitting my dogs with booties, but every canine again before entering the ditch; I felt staying on the I owned pulled them off level surface would be their feet and then ran barefoot outside to play in safer. the snow. One day, I got I ran the width of the front to wondering, “Just how yard, then made another cold could the snow be on left turn at the fence that a dog’s bare feet.” separated the pasture from the yard. As Harry My dog Harry and I were and I ran along the fence at my parent’s house. line, I began to notice We had a foot of fresh snow on the ground, and that my feet were really cold. Harry stopped to the temperature was in sniff the snow. “Come on, the mid-twenties. So, I Harry. We don’t have time removed my shoes and for that business.” Harry socks and rolled up my ignored me, did his busipants to my knees. I put ness, and then quickly on my winter coat but no caught up to me. hat or gloves. It wasn’t that cold, and besides, I I intended to run two laps would only be out for a around my parent’s very few minutes. I was now large yard as part of this dressed comparably to experiment. But my feet my dog. I called my trusty were cold, so I decided friend, “Come on, Harry, to skip the section known let’s go outside.” Harry as the way back yard. was always up for playing Instead, I would follow the in the snow. long curvature of the drive in what we called the I walked out the back middle yard. I was close door onto the concrete

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(Just the Other Day cont’d from pg 1)

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to completing the first of two laps when the kitchen window opened.

Mom was standing at the window and didn’t look amused, “Thomas!

What are you doing?”

Her strong maternal tone was neither friendly nor encouraging. “You get in this house right now!” I hollered back, explaining that I was conducting an experiment.

On my eighteenth birthday, I became king of my own domain; I was an adult and no longer had to obey my mother’s orders.

Now, I was in my midtwenties. I made an adult decision to run barefoot in the snow, and that was that. Mom would just have to accept it, but she again ordered me to come inside, “Thomas Albert Palen, you come in this house this instant!”

high steps like a musician in a college marching band. By now, my feet were freezing. I told Harry, “I just figured out why a steed pulling a one-horse open sleigh takes such high steps; it’s to keep his feet out of the snow as much as possible.”

Harry advised, “You better forget that horse and I considered ignoring start thinking about how her, but that would have you will explain this to been a poor decision. The Grammy.” I walked ginauthority of any mother gerly across the sidewalk; using a child’s full name, the concrete was much including their middle colder than I remembered name, trumps the legal it being at the beginning age of majority in nearly of this stunt. My feet felt every situation. like someone was pushing pins and needles into Mom was now standing them. in the open back door. I obediently made a sharp Mom reached out the left turn, cutting across door, grabbed my arm, the middle yard toward and pulled me inside, the house. I was taking much like someone in a

lifeboat would pull in a man overboard. “What were you thinking, you imbecile? You could get frostbite, and they’d have to amputate both your feet!” As Mom exaggerated, I looked at my purple feet and started to explain, but she interrupted.

“Go run cool water over your feet in the bathtub,” she said while pushing me up the steps.

I lifted the little chrome lever to close the drain plug, then sat on the side. With my feet in the bathtub, I turned the cold-water handle. It always amazes me how cool water feels warm on very cold flesh.

Harry followed me into the bathroom. He stepped on the bathtub’s edge with his front paws to see what I was doing. I felt each of his paws. They were cool but not ice cold as my feet. I wondered why?

Mom came into the bathroom with a towel and asked me what I was trying to prove. “I wondered what cold snow must feel like Harry’s bare feet, so we took a barefoot run together,” I said.

“I don’t get it, Mom,” I said. “Harry and I ran barefoot through the same snow for the same time. Yet his feet are not nearly as cold as mine. It just doesn’t make sense to me.”

Mom clearly did not understand why I would wonder such a thing. “No one ever accused you of being the smartest man in (Just the Other Day cont’d on pg 4)

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DECEMBER 27, 2023

(Just the Other Day cont’d from pg 3)

Once in a while (a great while), I’ll crawl into bed, the world,” Mom said. “But daring to touch my cold this! This takes the cake.” toes on my wife’s much As Mom went on with her warmer leg. I’m just trying to warm myself. This lecture, my mind continshockingly cold sensation ued to wander. has never gone over well Why did my feet feel with her. But why does colder than my bare she think her cold feet on hands, face, or ears? my warm leg would feel They were exposed to any differently? It’s clearly the same temperature for an injustice, but that’s just the same time? I wonhow it is in life. So, why dered why the snow felt do I frequently become colder on my feet than the tempted to try it again, concrete. Usually, a hard knowing full well what surface would feel colder, Melissa’s reaction will be? but shouldn’t they both be That’s an easy quiz to figthe same temperature? ure out, as I can still hear I’m still puzzled by these my mom saying, “No one same mysteries today. ever accused you of being the smartest man in the Sometimes, I walk world, have they?” through our house barefooted. Why does the area rug feel warmer on my feet than standing on the hardwood oak flooring? Why does a ceramic tile floor feel so much colder than wood floors in the same house? I would think the floors would all be the same temperature, but they sure don’t feel like it.

Occasionally, I’ll walk outside barefoot across our wooden deck to put sunflower seeds out for the birds and squirrels.

Why do the deck’s wood boards feel warmer than placing my foot on a large decorative rock on the same deck? They’re both outside in the same temperature air, so why don’t they feel the same?

I also wonder why my wife and I can live in the same house where we both wear slippers, walking the same floors, and yet our feet will be in different temperatures? And why don’t the dog’s or cat’s feet get just as cold as our when walking barefoot on the same floors in the same house, or for that matter, in the snow outside?

I may never know the answers to these questions.

I’m sure there is a logical explanation, but that would involve scientific analyses beyond my level of study. And so, I keep wondering.

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