A Son’s Goodbye by Katherine Huddleston

A Son's Goodbye

by Katherine Huddleston

The rusted lock groans in protest as I pull the old damaged barn door open. Instantly, my heart feels swollen with bittersweet moments I had shared with him here amongst the power tools and heavy machinery. I am baffled how the farm can still exist without him here. To him, these acres of Texas dirt and grass were a more glorious paradise than Eden. The cattle that moseyed clumsily across his fields were more magnificent than the Archangel himself. And yet, a dark year has stolen by since his passing, and this well-weathered barn still stands with sagging window panes creating a sorrowful brow, as if she waits for her beloved farmer to return home on a pair of rugged Dodge wings.

I was his son. The old farmer was my rock, my dictator, and my boss. I was his son, and he was my father. Can I still call myself a son now that he is a year buried under his cold gravestone; or is that title lost along with his looming presence over my shoulder?

My melancholy reflections come to a pause as I watch the dust specks waltz in the slanting yellow sunlight. I glance towards the far left corner where his sweat-blackened Stetson still hangs, forsaken on the corner of his corroded workbench.

His cherished John Deere tractor sits patiently among the ruins. The tractor’s threadbare driver’s seat squeaks as the springs give to my weight, reminding me of the blistering southern sun that tanned his arms and shoulders as he and I would toss heavy hay bales into the storeroom. A spider’s web loops around the gearshift, guarding the memories that threaten to roar to life if I were to start the engine. I dare not turn the key, choosing instead to shield myself against the agony of my childhood nostalgia and remember him as he was after the disease took on the offensive—when he realized that his time was quickly running out. I choose to remember him as the repentant man he became as the cancer poisoned his organs and not as the tyrant of my younger years.

I decide to forget the whippings and the cutting remarks.

Instead I choose to remember him as the loving grandfather to my own two children. I will remember the sound of his deep laugh as he held his four-year-old granddaughter and taught her how to drive his tractor without hitting the fence posts. I will remember his sun-spotted hands that held my son as they cheered the Dallas Cowboys on to yet another well-deserved victory.

My slow and heavy movements stir the air, making the smells of oil, rust, manure, and the faintest hint of tobacco surround me in the embrace I never received from my father’s strong battle-scarred arms. The smell was a characteristic of him that brings on the most potent onslaught of memories. It would permeate his work shirts. His boots were forever tarred in Lone Star dirt that never could be knocked off.

The past fades into a black and white fog as the present and my own son call out to me. I utter a farewell to my father’s cattle-trodden world as I walk towards the ominous doorframe.

The weathered barn door groans as I shut it one last time, and approach my son who leans casually against the bed of my pickup truck. As my steps make a sweet harmony, I send up a small prayer that I have been a better father to my own son. I pray that the love for my own precious child is enough to save the both of us from history repeating itself.