Suck It, Kid! - Third Place - by Paula Macena

Suck It, Kid!

Third Place

by Paula Macena

Pursuing a creative career means your college advisor asking you if you’re really sure. Three times in a row. And then asking if you have a backup plan. And when you say no, they sigh, and tell you again how hard it is to break into whatever industry it is. And you say you know, because you do. You’re not dumb, you’re just in your 20s still planning on being the thing that you said in first grade in response to being asked for the tenth time what you want to be when you grow up. Look at you, you’re so cool and smart, trying to do something some sevenyear-old dreams about for one night and then changes their mind about in the morning. But you haven’t changed your mind, have you? You’re not going to wake up tomorrow morning wanting to be an astronaut, are you? Look at you, being more decisive than a sevenyear-old. Suck it, kid.

You can tell off your younger self all you want. You can pretend you’re better than them and pretend that their hopes aren’t higher than yours currently are. Go ahead, tell them how hard it is. Tell them how most days you want to give up and how if you could be someone else, you would be. Tell them the pitiful nod your advisor does, or the look your mother and sister share, when you say you’ll make a living from a field that one in a billion thrive in. Tell them how you’re only still in this because there’s no way out but through, how you know you’ll probably never make it but at the same time you know you can’t fail either because there’s no other way out of this and you’ve gotta get out of this. You’ve gotta get out of this. Do you want to get out of this?

Pursuing a creative career means knowing it relies on outside validation. I can write as many songs or poems as I would like. I can make paintings and sculptures in a deity’s image for the rest of my life. I can be proud of my art and critique other works relentlessly, say what could be done better as if I know better, and none of it will matter. None of it will matter. None of it matters unless someone else says it does. So, look at this. Analyze it. Tell me you like the way it sounds, or tell me you don’t, you can write a bad review if you want because any publicity is good publicity, right? Look, seven-year-old me, and tell me this is good. That you’re proud of me. Tell your friends about it. Look at me, being everything and nothing you’ve always wanted to be. Suck it, kid.