March 2017

MARCH 2017

YEAR IN REVIEW Relive the past seven months at Trinity College with these Haikus. page

14

SPRING FASHION No matter what your fashion sense, check out these tips for looking cool and casual this spring. page

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ANDREW COMRIE-PICARD An interview with the former Trinity alum who went on to become a lawyer, TV show host and race car driver page 9

BAD & BOUGIE How many things on the bucket list of Trin hookups have you done? page

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C

CONTENTS FEATURES

2 3 9

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR ARJUN GANDHI In his final issue, the Editor-in-Chief of the Salterrae writes a reflective letter to the Trinity community begging for change at the College - not in the institutions, but in the people.

ACCEPT THAT YOU KNOW NOTHING CAMERON WOOD A 1T6 graduate working in the world of politics comments on the success and validation that all Trinity students seek, and also provides advice on how to make the most of your time left in school.

TRINITY ALUM ANDREW COMRIE-PICARD MADELINE TORRIE A conversation with 9T3 Trinity alum Andrew Comri-Picard, who, after becoming a lawyer, followed his passion and became a racecar driver and stunt driver in films. He also reflects on what it was like to be Scribe of Episkopon disassociated from Trinity College.

12 14 22

WHICH TRINITY FASHIONISTA ARE YOU? BILLIE ROSE OWEN Are you a social butterfly, Queen Bee, prelaw student, or cinema star? Check out these casual spring fashion tips for you, regardless of which archetype of a Trinity student you fall into.

THIS ACADEMIC YEAR AT TRINITY JULIANNE DE GARA Missed a Trin event this year? Don’t worry, the incoming Female Head of Arts catches you up. Read these ten haikus to get the inside scoop on the most memorable events of the year.

THE BUCKET LIST OF TRIN HOOKUPS ALLEGRA WIESENFELD From the Buttery Party Challenge to the Common Room Contest, from the New Renovations Medley to the Seaborn Factor, how many of these feats on the Ultimate Bucket List of Bad and Bougie Trim Hookups have you checked off?

4 STRACHAN HACKS 16 A HISTORY OF TRIN PARTIES 5 TO MEAT OR NOT TO MEAT 17 THE TRINITY ARCHETYPES LIFE LESSONS I LEARNED I 6 20BEFORE 18 FOR THE NEURODIVERGENT TURNED 20 ANTI-KLAMACTIC A THANK YOU LETTER TO THE 20 7 REGAL BEAGLE ONDIFAQ 23 LOCAL’S GUIDE TO 8 ANIAGARA ON THE LAKE 24 HOROSCOPES ANGELA GU

EMMA NORMAN

KAITLYN SIMPSON

EMILY LARMAN

VANESSA PERUZZA

ABBY LENDVAI

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Arjun Gandhi SENIOR DESIGN EDITOR Madeline Torrie SENIOR COPY EDITOR Danielle Pal DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY Sofia Jelovac DIRECTOR OF COMMUNICATIONS Avneet Sharma TREASURER Rhiannon Langford COPY EDITORS Mira Pijselman Ethan Raymond Anna Trikas Charlie Jupp-Adams Kate Reeve DESIGN EDITORS Amanda La Mantia Shubhi Sahni Claire Shenstone-Harris Kira James COLUMNISTS Rachel Copp Clark Julianne de Gara Angela Gu Damian Klambauer Emily Larman Emma Norman Ondiek Oduor Billie Rose Owen Vanessa Perruzza Kaitlyn Simpson Allegra Wiesenfeld STAFF WRITERS Rachel Chen Abby Lendvai Weston Miller Madeline Torrie WRITER Cameron Wood

DAMIAN KLAMBAUER

RACHEL CHEN

ONDIEK ODUOR

WESTON MILLER

RACHEL COPP CLARK

PHOTOGRAPHERS AND ILLUSTRATORS Sydney Bradshaw Pierre Kochel Amanda La Mantia Billie Rose Owen Heather Nichols Madeline Torrie MARCH 2017

1

Letter from the Editor

why i’m

running away

So, this is it... the fourth and final issue of the Salterrae for this academic year.

Before Maddy had encouraged me to run for the position of Editor-in-Chief, I would never have imagined doing this job. For starters, I had literally no interest in journalism, creative writing or publication. On top of that, I had no qualifications, including no experience with copy editing or graphic design. Honestly, a year ago, I hardly understood what the Salterrae was. Was it hard-hitting journalism or a bunch of random words people were writing in the name of satire?

Four issues later, however, the Salterrae has come to reflect everything I love about Trinity College. I love that, like the Salterrae, Trinity is not just one thing. There are serious aspects, funny aspects and everything even between.

Furthermore, like the articles in the Salterrae, the people at Trinity are incredibly inspiring, diverse and unique. The articles highlight the best of Trinity’s traditions, new events, and progressive community, and the cover photos typically feature the beauty in Trinity and St Hilda’s architecture. (The Valentine’s Issue was an exception, though you could argue that that cover featured the beauty of Trinity students.) Even my own personal experience getting involved with the Salterrae reflects something great about Trinity. I love that, at Trinity, there is so much encouragement from the upper-years and our peers to pursue diverse interests and learn new things. It is these attributes of Trinity that I am going to miss the most next year when I move off residence.

This year, I became more engaged in Trinity than ever before. Whether it’s leadership positions, events or getting to know the members of our community, this year I tried to do it all and be everywhere. And, in large part, I succeeded in all that I wanted to do. Though it may sound like I am trying to humble-brag, I want to be clear that I say all of this with a great amount of gratitude. Thank you all for supporting me over the years, believing in my ability to give back to the community and guiding me to pursue opportunities that I never would have imagined taking on.

At the same time, I want to say that my heavy engagement with the Trinity community this year is one of the primary reasons why I have chosen to move off residence and pursue opportunities beyond Trin in my fourth year. Through the many interactions I’ve had, I’ve started to notice some resounding and widespread issues with the Trinity community that pushes its students away.

Before I go on with this letter, I just want to say that I don’t mean to make the Trinity community sound overly bleak. There are some incredible people here, who have given me the best days of my life. I also don’t mean to act self-righteous or like I have a moral highground, because I too have made the mistakes that I complain about. But, with that said, I hope that, through this letter, I can inspire the next generation of Trinity upper-year students to make Trinity a better place - not through more institutional reform, but by re-thinking the way we treat the people in our community.

There are approximately 1,800 fee-paying students at Trinity College. But how many of these students do you see at our events? 400? Maybe 500? At 2

most, I’d estimate that around 600 students attend at least one Trin event per year. Where does everyone else go? Generations of student leaders at Trinity have asked this question. We are ‘the best, most prestigious and smallest college at UofT;’ why wouldn’t so many of our students want to come to events and engage with this ‘tight-knit community of like-minded young people?’

I argue that the Trinity community is alienating its students with its value system. We, as a community, have very specific values that undermine the struggles of being a young person pursuing a university education in the twenty-first century. We are all impressed and discuss when someone gets into a major graduate program, aces their LSAT or lands a major internship, but do we speak so highly of the students that choose alternative paths or those students that are in the process of considering their different options because they aren’t sure of their passions quite yet or those students whose kindness makes our days better? The culture at Trinity implicitly gives off the impression that failing to meet a specific criteria of success - an impossible ideal that many of us find ourselves endlessly chasing - makes one a failure.

While I don’t mean to diminish the former achievements, I think if we want to be part of a healthier and happier community, we all have a moral obligation to be more accepting and encouraging of people’s diverse interests and ways of living.

Another problematic aspect of our values is the taboo surrounding mistakes.

At Trinity, people can do it all right and be considered good humans until they make one mistake. The lightening-fast pace of gossip means overnight our community, as a whole, can brand someone incompetent, unlikable or unworthy of friendships. We all say we hate the gossip at Trinity, but few of us do anything to stop it. I urge all of you in the future to stop spreading gossip and to stand by members of our community when they make a mistake just as much as we do when they achieve success.

To clarify, I am not running away from Trinity because I dislike the people. In fact, I love many of the students. Without my friends and other kind people at Trinity, I simply would not have gotten through this year.

Rather, I am running away from Trinity, because of the unhealthy combination of the pressure the community places on its students and my own perfectionism, a flaw that I am constantly fighting and that I think many Trin students can relate to. I hope that these issues that I have noted are eliminated in the coming years, or at least if they are not eliminated, that we can start to talk about them. The Trinity community is many great things; my wish, though, is for it to emerge into a place that is truly inclusive of everyone and that is recognized for its kindness moreso than for its academic prowess.

To conclude, I would like to wish the best of luck to Anna Trikas, the next Editor-in-Chief of the Salterrae. If you or your team need anything at all, be sure to shoot me a message. I’d love to help in any way that I can.

For the last time, with a great deal of gratitude and many best wishes, Arjun

Accept that younothing know By: Cameron Wood, 1T6

Y

ou know, it

may sound stupid, but I was very excited to be asked by Arjun to write the alumni column. Finally, I’m being viewed as one of those illusive distinguished alumni I always dreamed I would be able to shake hands with and later tell my friends “I met once” and that they were “pretty cool, but felt they actually didn’t live up the hype.” Alas, I soon realized that Arjun had asked me to write a column less than a week before the deadline, and surmised that I was not his first choice. That certainly knocked me off my high horse.

Trin is a group of highly intelligent and motivated individuals seeking validation that they are in fact “smart” and that they’re “going to be successful.”

The unfortunate part is that by simply being surrounded by the best of the best, your exceptional qualities are seemingly diminished. When everyone was a valedictorian or class president, it’s hard to feel like your accomplishments are worth very much, and people can cling to titles or roles that appear to put them a step above. In my own experience at Trin, I sometimes felt that I was never doing enough, that I never had enough titles, and that maybe, I would never be enough in the ever daunting real world. The Rhodes Scholar always appears to be much more accomplished than the first person from a family to ever graduate from university, and the student body president seems more successful than the community volunteer.

I currently work in the world of politics. It is notoriously full of large egos and people who steadfastly believe that their solution is the best solution, and everyone who disagrees is an idiot (or worse) with no concept of reality or truth.

The comparable lesson from the “real world” of political confirmation bias and my four years at Trinity is that humility and recognizing the fallibility of your worldview is essential if you don’t

The Rhodes Scholar always appears to be much more accomplished than the first person from a family to ever graduate from university, and the student body president seems more successful than the community volunteer. want to become disillusioned in yourself and others. There is nothing worse in any space, be it academic or professional, than a person who speaks with certainty without recognizing that there is no certainty. Nobody knows what they are doing.

Choices in life are simply educated guesses aligned with a given values system — if your decision falls within your morals and is based on some sort of evidence, then you shouldn’t question it. No one and nothing is going to provide you certainty, so the best you can do is be reasonably confident and take the jump. (Somebody with a Philosophy degree is going to respond to this article using jargon nobody else understands and quotes from some German guy, and it will totally validate what I am saying).

I think life is like that moment in a class when you think you know something about something, then the professor adds an element of complexity to your understanding which shatters your perception. I honestly have yet to experience a moment where the inverse has happened. Everything is more complex than it seems. So everyone should take a deep breath — providing empathy to individuals struggling with the complexity of life is a better way forward than assuming their stupidity or malintent.

Recognizing that you have no idea about what is going on is personally liberating, but it’s also great

because it allows you to realize that your idol and your enemy are equally fallible. At some point, you either believe that you are the only sane individual in the world, or recognize that you probably are an asshat as well. Often in my job, when the government does something bad, I try to remind myself “they aren’t evil, it is just difficult.” It is my attempt to actualize the advice I am giving you — accepting others intentions as largely positive but consistently misguided. I am also attempting to ground myself, to realize that I would also struggle to provide perfect solutions to complex problems. In short, have the principle to stand for what you believe in, but don’t be so insular as to not recognize that you don’t know what you are doing, either.

A final thought, everyone who is reading this article should make sure in the limited time left at Trinity that they take full advantage of the ability that academia provides you to challenge the preconceived notions of those in power. Too often people say things should be “thus” and or “this is that”. In the “real world” challenging those statements and recognizing people in power and influence as wrong is more difficult and potentially costly.

In summary, my original need to feel validated by Arjun was silly. The reality is that you and I don’t know what we are doing with our lives, and are no closer to being certain about anything today than we were yesterday.

Have the principle to stand for what you believe in, but don’t be so insular as to not recognize that you don’t know what you are doing, either.

MARCH 2017

3

Happy almost-end-of-school-year everyone! You’ve probably gotten sick of Strachan food already, but if not, you will soon enough. Plus, if you’re a commuter, you’ve probably used up most of your Strachan meals already (if not all of them)! Whatever your situation may be, it’s always a good idea to explore new places. After a year of not packing a lunch and eating around campus, I’ve accumulated quite a wealth of knowledge. In this issue of Strachan Hacks, I’ll be taking you on a field trip away from Strachan!

East

North

The Buttery – everyone knows the Buttery. Mediocre food, same coffee and tea as Strachan’s. Pastries may be stale. But come for the comfy couches – arrive 10min before the hour for optimal seating choice, as everyone is leaving for their classes in the GIT or Larkin.

Goodmans LLP Café – located in Jackman Law Building. Perfect for a midday break from studying in the law library – sandwiches, salads, quiches, crepes, bakery goods. (M-R 8-8, F 8-4)

Sammy’s Student Exchange – hot meals (including brunch!), salads, shawarma, “pizza” made with Iranian flatbread. Coffee and tea. My favourites from Sammy’s? Mango and yogurt smoothie and the cranberry lemon loaf. They also have a green juice (made with avocado – it’s so rich and creamy) that tastes better than it looks.

Diablo’s Coffee Bar – located in UC’s JCR, has pretty stamped cups and a certain aesthetic. Good luck finding it. (M-F 9-5:30)

Café Reznikoff – in case you can’t locate UC’s JCR, this will work instead. Conveniently on St. George street, across from Sid Smith. (M-R 7:30-11, F 7:30-5:30, Sat closed, Sun 3-11)

Howard Ferguson Dining Hall – UC’s dining hall. Almost like Strachan, minus the condescending stares of past

provosts and huge tapestry. Different atmosphere. The only thing that’s better is their sweet potato fries, available everyday. They take cash, credit and debit. (M-F 7:30-3, 4-7:30, Sat-Sun 9-3, 4-7:30)

Innis Café – I have never been, but apparently they have all-day-breakfast and a rooftop patio?

Ned’s Café – located in Goldring Student Centre (not the gym). They have hot sandwiches served with chips or salad, two soups (like Strachan), cold sandwiches and wraps (there is a variety of vegan, gluten-free, nut-free trans-fat-free wraps that are pretty filling), salads, sushi, bakery selection including amazing cheesecake, Balzac’s coffee, tea, fruit cups, snacks.

Their packaged salads are better than the Grab N’ Go salads made by UofT Food Services. Favourites: tiramisu cheesecake, swiss burger, the salad with goat cheese, cranberries, walnuts and chicken on greens drizzled with balsamic dressing. (M-R 8-8:30, F 8-3:30)

Strachan Hacks By: Angela Gu

Whatever your situation may be, it’s always a good idea to explore new places.

West

The Brown Food Truck (parked in front of

Sid Smith) – the only brown food truck. Best place for a quick poutine, or their “Supreme Fries” – fries topped with ground beef and lettuce and tomato, kind of like a burger reincarnated in potato form. Good value and speedy service capped off with the iconic question of “Any drink for you?” (it has been memed)

ROBARTS CAFETERIA

Pasta Pappardelle – more or less the same as the one in MedSci, see above. (M-R 11-6, F 11-4:30)

Za’atar – same as MedSci, but better. I once got extra tahini and it made

my day. Favourite: chicken shawarma. You can’t go wrong with chicken shawarma. (M-R 11-6, F 11-5)

Tortillas – controversial, as it replaced the Subway that used to be there.

Some students are boycotting it. (M-R 11-8, F 11-7, Sat-Sun 11-6)

Urban Deli – Sandwiches. Nothing special. (M-R 11-8, F 11-7) Stone Oven Pizzeria – average pizza. (M-R 11-8, F 11-7) New College Dining Hall – apparently the best college dining hall? Check

it out. (M-F 7-2:30, 4:45-10, Sat-Sun 8:30-8)

Café AC – I am mourning the loss of

the Starbucks that used to be there.

But yay, they have double shot espressos and will heat up the sandwich you pick from the fridge display. Favourite: the sandwich filled with tomato and bocconcini with pesto. Perfect after-workout meal. (M-F 7-9, Sat 7-6, Sun 8-6)

4

South

The Cube – located in Bahen, this bright and airy eatery serves standard UofT

Food Services fare and more. They have crepes, as well as custom salads! Almost Instagrammable. (M-R 8-8, F 8-4)

Medsci Cafeteria – there is a variety of UofT Food Services counters, listed below. (all counters: M-R 11-6, F 11-4:30)

Not Just Greens – custom salads, choose from a variety of greens, other fruits/ veggies, a protein, and toppings for a pretty yummy salad. Guaranteed to make you feel healthy.

Za’atar – Mediterranean and Middle Eastern inspired food – shawarma, falafel, etc. Be prepared to be served by a cranky lady who tosses your wrap under the grill for two seconds as a formality. It will not be very warm. Go to the Za’atar at Robarts instead.

Sambal – bad attempt at Asian fusion food. Fries are soggy. Do not eat there.

Pasta Pappardelle – customized pasta counter. Choose between tomato sauce,

alfredo sauce or pesto. Long/short pasta, expect al dente texture. A variety of toppings. Not bad.

Grab N’ Go – usual selection of sandwiches, wraps and salads. There is coffee and tea, as well as fruit cups, crudité cups, and hummus and pita cups (would not recommend the hummus, it is gluey and flavourless).

Veda – can be found in the pit in Sanford Fleming. There is stew parading under the name of curry and they have wannabe samosas and undercooked pakoras. Do not expect authentic Indian food.

To Meator Not to Meat?

By: Emma Norman

O

nce every couple of months, it occurs to me that I should try to go vegan. This thought usually pops up when I see a video of cute cows frolicking in a field of flowers while wind chimes play in the background.

I would not want to be murdered and eaten, I think, so those cows probably do not want to be murdered and eaten either.

Then, suddenly, it’s 2am on a Thursday and I’m back at Mcdonald’s eating a Big Mac. I’m simply not a good enough person to give up something so tasty, even if the cows in that video did look really happy. Not to say that animal cruelty—something the meat industry causes a LOT of—isn’t important, because it absolutely is. But the fact is that going vegan, or even vegetarian, merely isn’t realistic or accessible for many people.

However, it may still be a good idea to critically look at our meat consumption. Animals are not the only ones who suffer at the hands of the meat industry. In fact, with global warming going the way that it is, we may soon all be suffering at its hands. That’s right— the meat industry plays a huge role in the warming of our planet.

It’s hard to pin down exact statistics regarding an industry as expansive as the meat industry is.

Depending on the study you look at, livestock accounts for between 18% and 51% of worldwide annual greenhouse gas emissions—a significant portion either way. These emissions come from a range of different sources within the meat industry. First and foremost, animals create waste and gases that contaminate the surrounding land and air. One USDA study found that a single dairy farm of 10,000 cows creates 33,092 pounds of methane per day. Greenhouse gasses are also created by transportation of livestock, production of animal feed, and production of the meat that consumers see in stores. When you order a cheeseburger, you are indirectly putting up to 1,340 grams of greenhouse gases in the air, according to scenario development expert Jamais Cascio.

Then, suddenly, it’s 2am on a Thursday and I’m back at Mcdonald’s eating a big mac.

Another negative impact the meat industry is its land usage; not only do commercial factory farms require large amounts of land on their own, but land must be cleared in order to grow the feed for the to animals eat. Clearing land for the growth of animal feed contributes to deforestation. With the amount of greenhouse gases going into our atmosphere, these are forests we can’t afford to lose.

Meat production also uses an immense amount of water. Estimates state that to make a single quarter-pound burger requires between 460-660 gallons of water. It is needed for the water the animal must drink, as well as the water that must be used to grow the feed for the animal, and more.

Of course, all animals consume water. But, as the world’s appetite for meat grows, the global consumption of water will increase. As global climate change leads to more droughts worldwide, this level of consumption is not sustainable.

Finally, food waste has a massive impact on meat industry emissions. In their “Meat Eater’s Guide”, the Environmental Working Group states, “discarded food accounts at least 20 percent on average of the emissions associated with producing, processing, transporting and consuming meat and dairy products.” Food waste occurs no matter the type of food. Yet it is particularly harmful when that waste requires so many resources to produce.

But like I said earlier, despite the meat industry’s faults, I’m not going to completely give up meat. And what is simply a matter of will (or lack thereof) for me is even harder for those who do not have the means to eat vegan or vegetarian.

For those who rely on food banks, or do not know where their next meal will come from, avoiding meat can be impossible. Ultimately, putting a halt to the meat industry and all of its harmful faults is likely impossible.

Is that roast beef in Strachan looking particularly overcooked today? Opt for the vegan brown mush with carrots instead! Gaia will thank you.

This doesn’t mean that there is nothing you or I can do to give the environment (and the animals) a helping hand. Here are a few things people can do on a daily basis that will help out our earth in the long run:

1 2

3

4

Cut back on the meat.

Yes, I know I just said that I wasn’t going to stop eating meat, but it’s not difficult to skip the steak once or twice a week. Is that roast beef in Strachan looking particularly overcooked today? Opt for the vegan brown mush with carrots instead! Gaia will thank you.

Eat less red meat specifically.

Swap out the steak for a chicken breast— cattle create more emissions than other kinds of meat, like chicken, pork, or fish. This is because cattle are larger, and produce more methane than other animals. As far as greenhouses gases go, methane is a tricky one; it degrades much quicker than carbon dioxide, but it also warms the earth much quicker.

The less methane in the atmosphere the better. Eat more chicken!

Try to eat meat that is sustainably raised.

This is kind of a hard one if you live on res like I do. Who knows where the No-Fry Fried Chicken came from! But if you do have the means, go to restaurants and supermarkets that source their meat sustainably. This means that the livestock are treated better and fed better, and also that less pesticides makes their way into your food. What more could you want?

Make bugs a part of your diet.

Okay, I know this is an odd one; however, bugs are eaten as a source of protein in cultures all over the world, and they can be delicious! It’s even easy to get started- check out Bug Bites at U of T, a club that promotes the eating of bugs and even hosts tasting sessions a few times a year. Yum!

MARCH 2017

5

20 Things I learned Before I Turned 20.

By: Abby Lendvai

I

was born on March 4th, 1997 in Ottawa General Hospital to Lesley and Robert Lendvai. After having lived exactly two-decades on this rock floating through space, I feel I have earned the right to share my vast wisdom. In high school, I had a teacher who feared I would include his name in my memoirs - so here is your time in the spotlight Mr. DeSanctis. Thank you for believing I would ever even get to the point of writing a memoir.

Life is strange. Everyone has a singular experience and yet we are all connected, until eventually all the people we know are gone, and then we are too…

Whoops, sorry. I did not mean to freak you out! I forget that the fragility of human existence is not something that plagues the minds of most twenty-year olds. Existential crisis anyone? Any how, I hope you enjoy the dubious advice of one existentialist twenty-year old.

11

School is fantastic and it will be a safe yet, challenging space. But it is not the be all and end all.

12

A good lipstick colour can take your day from a 1 to a 10!

13

Get lots of sleep. Everyone is meaner when they do not get enough sleep.

14

Do travel to faraway destinations alone!

15

Take time to pretend you understand fine art.

16

Love your friends fiercely and deeply. As an only child your best friends are your hand-picked siblings.

17

Be unironically enthusiastic about very nerdy stuff!

your current passion and pursue it. Even if this means 7 Find creating a rap music video about recycling.

18

Always have perspective. (You can still scream into your pillow for catharsis, though.)

and wit are equally necessary for survival on this cold 8 Sarcasm dead space rock.

19

Be weird proudly!

you will cry and have no idea why you are crying.

9 Sometimes Thanks hormones.

20

Take all advice with a grain of salt.

is extremely important to laugh at yourself. FYI: Lots of dumb 1 Itthings will happen to you and sometimes your loud laugh will get you in trouble.

2

Safe escapism can be a good thing - particularly when it involves Lush bath bombs and young adult novels.

3

Dogs are a girl’s best friend! However, cats are questionable.

Shout out to my 10 year-old maltese-poodle Lulu!

4

Take risks. I mean, maybe don’t ride your brand-new mountain bike down a large hill before you learn how to use the brakes, but still take risks.

can be empathetic without taking on all the burdens of the 5 You world.

6 secret so that no one knows is an indicator that you are not cut

Going vegetarian is harder than you think it is. Eating salami in out for vegetarianism.

is a little bit screwed up. So, find friends who you enjoy 10 Everyone being a bit screwed up with.

6

A night

at the

reagal beagle

With The Myers-Briggs Personality Types By: Rachel Chen

I

’ve been expecting you to close since I met you in first year. When you said you were closing for renovations last semester, I never suspected that we had finally reached the end. Thank you for letting first years drink with their upper year friends, for letting us in when one else would, and for never judging us when everyone else was.

meeting, the ENTJ is the only one who showed up on time. When the ISTJ shows up, she orders a glass of water and sighs at everyone’s lateness.

6 pm: The INFP has showed up reluctantly, but he’s literally going to leave as soon as he can. A jaeger bomb special has suddenly appeared, courtesy of the ESTP.

To Ron, the little kid always on his Gameboy, and to all the bartenders with whom we were on first name basis, I hope you’re enjoying the things we’ve left behind — from our umbrellas to our dignity. For my friends and me, the Beagle was the real life MacLaren’s to our cast of sitcom characters, and no other dive bar will ever be the same.

7 pm: Since the meeting is over and everyone’s had a drink by this point, the ESFJ begins gossiping about her weekend at KA.

If I had the time, I would write a full-length tribute feature with interviews and anecdotes based on what people can remember following drunken 3 am benders. Alas, I’ve settled for recreating a night at the Beagle starring the 16 personalities of the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Index.

For the uninitiated, an overview – Introvert/ Extrovert, Sensing/iNtuitive, Feeling/Thinking, Judging/Perceiving. You should take the quiz at https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test.

5 pm: After getting everyone to agree on a 5 pm

8 pm: With her priorities actually in order tonight, the ESTJ leaves to go study.

9 pm: The INTJ observes everyone quietly until the ENTP says something offensive just to be contrarian and the INTJ can’t help but rip his argument apart.

10 pm: Despite saying he would go home an hour ago, the INTP is now attempting his physics homework at the bar. Midway through the night, plans to relocate to the Fox and the Fiddle fall through when too many first years “left their IDs at home.”

11 pm: The INFJ is having an existential crisis, so of course the ENFP is drunkenly yelling at her for not recognizing how great she is.

12 am: The ISFP kid from Innis got too excited to hang out with Trin, couldn’t keep up, and then KOed in the washroom. The ISFJ is making sure he doesn’t die.

1 am: “I thought we were just being friends!” the ENFJ says after realizing she just made out with the ESFP. The ISTP leaves to hook up with some girl he just met.

2 am: Time for New Ho King and more poor life decisions!

Thus ends a weekday night at the Beagle. Thank you for your judgement free hospitality, which was available on any night of the week. You were as messy as the Brunny, though far less cool, but you will be missed all the same.

A moment of silence for the 2T1s who will never know.

The Beagle was the real life MacLaren’s to our cast of sitcom characters, and no other dive bar will ever be the same.

MARCH 2017

7

A Local’s Guide to Niagara on the Lake By: Weston Miller

I

have always said, “the key to success in university is leisure”. Many are puzzled by this, or think that university and leisure can never successfully go together. These people are wrong.

Exams are certainly stressful, but there are ways you that can make the exam season more enjoyable, and defuse the stress and anxiety that often accompanies it. What you must not forget is that while we are at Trinity to study and receive a degree, we are also here to live. We’re at a pinnacle moment of our lives. We’re all young and living in Canada’s greatest city; how could we not live and have fun? Now, perhaps you still find the city stressful regardless of your school work. If that is the case, then I have the perfect solution for you: a getaway to Niagara-on-the-Lake. I was born and raised in NOTL, and I still go back often to rest and recharge. I have compiled the best things to see and do for your perfectly relaxing getaway.

Stay: The Prince of Wales Hotel Perhaps the most beautiful hotel in NOTL. The Prince of Wales is where most of the celebrities stay when they’re in town. It has played host to the Queen Mother, Nicholas Cage, and the Jonas Brothers, among others. Enjoy breakfast in Escabeche (in a table by the window of course), and afternoon tea in the Drawing Room. The Prince epitomizes old-world luxury for an unforgettable experience.

The Pillar and Post Although less opulent than the Prince of Wales, The Pillar and Post provides you with the experience of a luxurious country retreat. The hotel is also home to one of the highest rated spas in the country. Make sure to relax in the outdoor hot springs while you’re there. Also, enjoy a delicious lunch poolside—on any sunny day you’ll probably see me there!

Shaw Club If you prefer a more modern accommodation, look no further than the Shaw Club. The Shaw Club is a stylish boutique hotel right in the heart of town. The staff are highly attentive, and will do anything to ensure your stay is perfect.

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The Perfect Exam Season Getaway Eat: Kitchen 76 Hands down the best Italian food in NOTL. Kitchen 76 has great food and an even better atmosphere. Located at the beautiful Two Sisters Winery, its stunning outdoor-covered terrace has breathtaking views of the estate’s majestic vineyards. Kitchen 76 is a must try, but make sure you make a reservation, especially for one of those coveted outdoor tables.

phitheatre has hosted acts such as the Tragically Hip, the Arkells, and Matt Dusk. Get a pair of tickets, and sip and savour a beautiful night in the vineyard.

Zee’s Grill Zee’s is perhaps the most difficult restaurant to get a table in NOTL. The restaurant is located right along the main street, across from the Shaw Festival Theatre. Serving up modern takes on classic dishes, Zee’s consistently receives the CAA Four Diamond award for cuisine and service. If you’re lucky enough to get a table on their veranda, you’re in for a real treat. Zee’s is the perfect place for a gourmet pre-theatre dinner.

The Exchange Brewery If you’re not in the mood for wine, you can visit NOTL’s newest craft brewery. The Exchange sits in a restored heritage building in the middle of the town’s shopping district. Uniquely modern and stunningly designed, the Exchange is the perfect place to enjoy a flight of beer and watch the people pass by.

The Garrison House One of the most popular places to eat and drink in NOTL, the Garrison House is a stylish gastropub that serves up one of the best burgers around.

The Garrison House is so popular that it was even featured on the Food Network’s You Gotta Eat Here. It is the perfect place to pop in for a bite or a cold drink on a nice summer’s day.

Drink: Niagara-on-the-Lake is perhaps most famous for its wineries, and there are over twenty wineries in town. Bicycle wine tours are extremely popular in the spring and summer, and one of the most enjoyable things you can do in the area.

Peller Estates Perhaps one of NOTL’s most iconic wineries, Peller Estates sits in the middle of a sprawling vineyard minutes away from the main shopping district. Enjoy a wine tasting, or have a bottle on their beautiful patio. If you’re feeling hot, they even have an “ice room” where you don a Canada Goose parka and sip ice-wine, for a unique experience.

Jackson Triggs Another Niagara icon, Jackson Triggs has a beautiful modern estate that is home to great wines and great entertainment. The Jackson Triggs Am-

Experience: Whirlpool Jet Boat Tours If you’re feeling adventurous, hop into a high speed jet boat and take a trip through Niagara’s class-five rapids. Certainly an experience like no other, and one you’ll not forget.

Shaw Festival If you prefer something less wet, you can take in a performance at the Shaw Festival. One of NOTL’s most popular attractions, the Shaw Festival produces award winning performances featuring some of the country’s most prominent members of the stage.

Night Life: If you’re looking for Toronto level nightlife in NOTL then sadly, you won’t find it. Luckily though, just a 20-minute drive up the Niagara Parkway is Niagara Falls. Now if you want to have a truly exciting end to your perfect day, there’s only one place you need to go.

Fallsview Casino The closest you’ll get to Vegas in Canada, Fallsview Casino has a glamorous gaming floor with a wide range of table games and slot machines.

Within the casino there are also multiple lounges if you want to kick back and have a drink. You will certainly feel like a high roller.

Dragonfly Within the Fallsview Casino is one of hottest clubs outside of Toronto. Dragonfly is a sprawling 12,000 square foot world class nightclub. You’ll be swept away by majestic Asian styled décor—especially in the classical red chamber, which is the club’s prestigious bottle service lounge.

Riding into the wind An Interview with

Andrew Comrie-Picard

By Madeline Torrie “

I

the funniest, brightest, sharpest, wittiest people I have known in my whole life were at Trinity and I think a far greater proportion of them should have gone into the arts, and into comedy, and into comedy writing. I mean what we were doing there, in the Lit and in Episkopon in the good times, that should have been a direct feeder into people going into Saturday Night Live.” think some of

“Don’t laugh, I am dead serious.”

I arranged to speak with Andrew Comrie-Picard, a racecar driver, stunt driver, and graduate from Trinity College class of 9T3, over the phone. He had just finished filming NCIS New Orleans, and was back at home in LA when he picked up my call. Both jovial and reminiscent, he fondly recalled his time at Trinity: From first impressions at Trinity, to leading Episkopon through disassociation, to graduating and exploring other opportunities after Trinity.

“We have a problem in Canada, or U of T, or even at Trinity College. I know people who are wickedly funny, smart people who ended up being lawyers or consultants or bankers. Which is fine…

but anybody can do that. But if you are really exceptionally talented, it is a tragedy not to focus on that talent.”

“My own life story has been escaping that orthodoxy, getting back to the stuff I really cared about when I was younger. The arts, and stuff that is more core to me, after having been a lawyer and then an MBA and all this other stuff. I would like to see other students just go and be great at what they are already great at but don’t realize that it can be a vocation. Whether it be the TCDS or the Lit. I mean the Lit, and by extension Episkopon,” he adds, “and I’ll keep qualifying it – in the good days.”

Hailing from a private school in British Columbia, Comrie-Picard came to Trinity after touring other Ontario universities. “I went to look at Trinity, saw all the Gothic architecture, and I thought: this is amazing. It was the summer, so there was only a single poster on the notice board outside of Strachan Hall which was a leftover final debate poster for the Lit – we are talking like 1989 here so not high tech – a hand drawn poster that had the resolution: ‘Be it resolved that the world is flat.’ And I thought, ‘this is pretty weird, I should probably

come here.’

From that moment on he was sold on Trinity, participating in every way possible: from speaking for the Lit, to serving as news editor for the Salterrae, to participating in the TCDS. “I love Trinity very deeply. I compared it to a lot of things. I later completed a degree at Trinity College, Oxford, and thought that a place like that would offer up all of the same improbabilities and personalities and opportunities to be exceptional that Trinity College Toronto would… but it did not.”

For Comrie-Picard, Trinity’s uniqueness did not only come from the opportunities it provided, but their accessibility. “I don’t know anywhere else, including Oxford, that, at least in my day, offered the opportunity that Trinity College Toronto offered for doing such a broad array of things at a level of excellence; that meant the Salterrae, and the acting, and the Lit, and all kinds of other things too. Just the general social interactions and speeches at the dinner table and just a really high standard with easy accessibility.”

“And you may not realize the quality of your peers; MARCH 2017

9

you will eventually. One of the goofballs we had in College in my day turned out to be a lot smarter than we thought… Mike Chong is probably the best hope for the Conservative Party in Canada.

I would have been surprised if you’d told me that 25 years ago. But it’s true.”

“Of course the other colleges mocked us, and we mocked the other colleges in our chants or whatever, which you probably still do now.” And now he grows more serious, “but my only real concern, my biggest concern while at Trinity was that it would somehow, someday, lose its particular character of permissiveness and improbability, and nurturing in a way to allow people to just do weird things, to just to do the improbable.” ***

I

1992, the year Comrie-Picard was chosen to be scribe of Episkopon, Trinity College severed its ties from the organization. He pauses, and reflects on the changes in the College that lead to what lead to what would become known as disassociation. n

He takes issue with the word “disassociation,” which he is not sure even exists. After our discussion he sent me an email citing a definition from Psychology Today: “Even when very young, our psyche can separate part of itself from the traumatic event as it is occurring and can seal itself off in a necessary disassociation. When a trauma is happening, the psyche uses its built-in system to protect the seed/the essence at the core of our being.” In a way, this definition summarizes what the context was when Trinity “disassociated” from Episkopon.

“When I arrived at Trinity, I think Episkopon was at a very strong point […] attendance at readings was extremely high; in 1990-1991, I remember Sealy Hall being filled. I remember someone, who wasn’t in Episkopon but who was playing along, rapelling from the ceiling as part of the Scribal reveal. It was pretty epic.”

But already, the climate at Trinity was changing, “those were good years, but those were also the early years of political correctness and, you know, strong - and in a lot of cases valid - political initiatives coming up: social political initiatives, issues of homophobia, sexism. It was important stuff to talk about.”

“The problem was that like any pendulum swing, the initiative overshot in our era. Episkopon was an easy target. I don’t think Episkopon had been faultless in its history. I think there had been careless moments of writing and editorial policy.

But I do think that the accusations of sexism, racism and homophobia, at least while I was there working on Episkopon, were unfounded, because the people I knew in Episkopon were not racists or homophobes, or sexists […] The problem with comedy is that it can be a blunt tool, and possibly we missed the mark sometimes too.”

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“I happened to inherit it just at the social moment when the hue and cry was getting too big. It was not that I did some epic reading, or some field burning moment when I brought down the rain on us, it was just the movement of the time and I happened to be the scribe when it really happened.”

The struggle for Comrie-Picard was to balance the administration and the students with the history of Episkopon and the temperature at the time:“the administration was sort of a mixed thing, because there were a lot of Episkopon supporters, or sympathizers in the administration.

The Bursar himself had been a senior editor.

Basically the administration was supportive, more or less.”

He continues, “the bad guys were the Varsity, or some of its editors. Because Trinity was an easy target anyway, they couldn’t take down Trinity but they could target something like Episkopon which was a secret society, with a black box of workings, all-male in the case of male Episkopon, with a long history and an old institution of being traditionalist and occasionally – when the mandate failed - mean. It was an easy target in the era; they were just going for the low-hanging fruit.”

This forced Comrie-Picard to contemplate the dilemma of how best to preserve the core purpose of comedy in Episkopon. “I looked over the whole history of the organization, and I looked through the archives thinking about it.

How did this institution come about and what is it anyway and why does it exist. Should it even exist? I think I trusted the students enough going forward, and most importantly we had to trust the students enough that I didn’t want to legislate their opportunity for what is essentially stand-up comedy.”

That November, Comrie-Picard broke tradition for the second reading, holding it in the quad, opening it to the public and inviting Episkopon’s critics to see a reading for themselves. “There were journalists from a number of outlets including the Varsity - there with tape recorders and so on, but it ended up being a non-event because they didn’t see what they wanted. We did our best to write a funny reading. It was a pretty good reading; it was a pretty typical reading.”

Yet still the pressures to constitutionalize and reform continued. Comrie-Picard almost perfectly recalls his exchanges in the Dean’s office. “I remember a fairly emotional moment where I said: ‘this isn’t going to work out. Kick me out of the college if you have to, if that’s what you think it means, but I am not going to constitutionalize Episkopon, and I don’t think that we need to.’

The intention was not to go underground. The intention was to figure out how to continue given that I wasn’t willing to constitutionalize.”

The issue was settled. Without a constitution there

would be no Episkopon readings on campus, and they would no longer receive college funds, Comrie-Picard adds. “The idea was that if you associated with Episkopon, you would be kicked out of college, and I said, ‘well fine kick me out of college, I’m associated with Episkopon.’ They were unwilling to go that far. I said, ‘Okay, I guess that is how it is going to be. I guess that is what disassociation looks like. I am a sworn member of this secret society, and if you are not going to kick me out, I guess that is what disassociation is.’”

Andrew Comrie-Picard takes a moment to reflect on his role in this dramatic and historic moment in Trinity’s history. “Sometimes it’s about riding out the political wave, and sometimes it’s about facing the storm and riding into the wind. But what I decided with Episkopon at the time was not to do something that was truly irreversible and I think was inconsistent with Episkopon’s history and ends and write at constitution, but ride out the storm, and have faith in the principles.”

“It’s partially political; it’s partially instinctual,” he summarizes, “I think that’s an important lesson. And it’s not just Episkopon; it’s everything around Trinity. It’s being Head of College or Head of Arts, or dealing with administration, or running the Lit or the TCDS or anything. Trust your instincts. This was complicated, challenging student administration, but was some of the most important stuff I learned. It was a seminal moment in my life to take an institution which was 130 years old and have a position on it and do what I thought was right.” *** final year at Trinity College, Comrie-Picard went to McGill Law, then Oxford, and then practiced Law before realizing his true passion in entertainment and racecar driving. Over the phone he assures me he has another ten minutes to discuss his career, but the ensuing conversation takes nearly another half an hour.

A

fter a tumultuous

“I grew up on a farm in rural Alberta and I rolled my first pickup truck in a field at age seven, so I come by the ‘Dukes of Hazzard’ driving honestly.

When I was 12 years old, I remember distinctly, all I wanted to be in life was a racecar driver or an actor. But neither seemed realistic. So I spent the next 15 years in some sense trying not to do that.”

I went to Trinity, and then went to McGill and did a joint Law/MBA, and then went to Oxford and did a second BA and MA in Philosophy, Politics and Economics, which I loved actually. And then, all that time, I was racing something.”

“I became a lawyer in New York and spent four years with a law firm called Paul Weiss [...] and I had amazing clients: top entertainment writers, actors, musicians, models – names that you know.

It was pure torture, because I was on the wrong side of my own desk. I wanted to be doing stuff, making stuff, and acting. Every weekend I would

go away racing, and I was using my income just to buy better race cars.”

While working in New York, Comrie-Picard won his first National Championship, and began to gain the attention of sponsors. Eventually he reached a point where he could no longer practice law and race. He recalls, “I thought to myself.

‘Well I could always continue with the law,’ and I said to my associates and partners, ‘I’m going to take a little time off, and see.’ There was a bifurcation of response. All the partners said, ‘you’ll be back’ and all the associates said, “go! go!

Do it for me!”

“I remember talking to one of my associates, telling him as I was leaving, ‘I don’t know at all.

There is one guy in North America paid to do the kind of racing I do.’ I remember him saying, ‘well that’s great news… why wouldn’t it be you?’”

“If the law itself ennervates you, if you wake up in the morning excited to figure out what is going on in the latest pleadings in a case, or in the corporate deal which is closing, or in my case launching the hemp clothing line for a Victoria’s Secret model, you should practise law. None of that motivated me. I had to force myself, and I had become good enough at forcing myself to do stuff I didn’t really like but I was able to do it. But once I gave up on that, I found that life became a lot easier.”

But racecar driving wasn’t full-time work, and Comrie-Picard looked for other ways to supplement his income. “There was a casting for a Canadian TV show on Global. I called up the producers and said, ‘how are you going to produce this thing anyway, and how are you going to get the parts in, and how are you going to turn the technical language into layman’s terms and stuff.’ And they said, ‘Hey we are kind of looking

for a host. Do you want to read for that? I ended up hosting a show in 2004 on Global called ‘War of the Wheels,’ which you can look up if you want to see something embarrassing.”

After that, there was no question of returning to his former career in practicing law. Comrie-Picard managed to blend his talent for entertainment and acting, with his passion for driving cars. He describes his next steps: “That was an eye-opener for me: I was only two months out of the law firm and I was hosting a TV show. And then I started competing at the X Games which is like ESPN’s extremesports Olympics.”

A career hosting and driving, naturally lead to working on stunts. “I met stuntmen and car people, and my career developed. I wound up on several feature films with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tyler Perry, and just did one with Charlize Theron. Finally I was on the right side of my old desk.”

He adds, jokingly, “I try not to be the guy who does the big crashes, there are people who have thicker skulls than mine. I’ve had enough crashes in racing. But I always say, ‘if you want the guy who just barely does’nt crash the car, I’m the guy you call.’”

“I realize now that as a kid, I was always practicing. I was always driving. If I just stepped back, if I had known myself better…” He trails off. “My parents were very supportive but, maybe if I’d had an influence or a coach or someone who was insightful enough to say, ‘wait a minute what really turns you on all the time, what you are really good at and what you practice in all your spare time is driving cars.’”

However, he considers himself lucky to have so few regrets so far. “The truth is I was a reasonably

good lawyer, and a reasonably good writer, but behind the wheel of a car is where I am the most at ease. I don’t even think. I’m just in the zone always. Sometimes I think if I applied myself at age 12 the way I did at age 27, I wonder how much further down the road I would be. On the other hand, I’m lucky. I race, do stunts, I host TV shows, I’m a brand representative for car companies. I built it. It’s a unique package.”

Our conversation is wrapping up, and he takes a minute to give some advice to me, and the many other Trinity students who have contemplated whether to choose a stable career over something they are passionate about. “I always said that the best thing is that Trinity gets all the geeks and the outliers. But when you realize what exceptional talents you have, sure if you want to be a lawyer or a banker or an accountant, great. You will probably be the best there is. But if you have something you are passionate about, something unusual that no-one else has, or no-one else has in that combination, then you’re doing yourself and the world a disservice if you don’t go and execute on that.

In my case, there’s only a handful of people who can talk about cars and really drive them at the same time. That is levereagable, that’s a career, and that’s the kind of thing you should try to be alive to.”

I considered the issue of comedy in particular.

Trinity, we agreed, was filled with comedic talent.

Thoughtfully, he concludes, “I don’t think people realized what they were doing at the time. If only we had known that we could have taken just a small step from doing that stuff into what many of my friends are doing here in Hollywood writing for comedy TV shows, writing for Modern Family, writing for Saturday Night Live. It’s the same stuff. Don’t be a lawyer for cowboys, kid. Go be a cowboy. The world needs more cowboys.”

MARCH 2017

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trinity fashionistas

The Pre-Law

the

the cinema star

Syndi and her clear-framed glasses epitomize the way in which hip accessories can complete a look in an easygoing fashion. If you’re drawn to details opposed to bold statement pieces, you have the gift of adding that little something extra to everyday attire that goes a long way. Glasses like Syd’s are the perfect addition to any outfit and come from the attention to detail of a cinema student - an expert in finding a creative way to perfect a subtle but effective statement. If you’re feeling the need to shake things up without going for a full-blown makeover – change your angle up and put a twist on something that you wear every day. Glasses, watches, and jewelry are the perfect place to start: although it may be hard to compete with miss Syndi, who’s set the bar quite high for how to pull of one of Trinity College’s hippest looks. TCFS has faith.

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w

fter a long, hard school year, our bursting social calendars of cocktail soirées and black-tie formals are finally winding down. The slush has melted, the quad is greening, and our frozen souls emerge from the arctic hellhole of Toronto winter, melting with the excitement of becoming the springtime fashionistas we were all born to be. Yet even with blooming flowers and a gentle breeze, Trinity students are still faced with the annual identity crisis; especially you 4th years. Luckily, TCFS is here to help. In the midst of last minute summer internship applications and decisions on whether to change your major for the 5th time, it’s time to address the most important question of the year: which Trinity College Fashionista are you? After perfecting our best looks at Trinity’s formal affairs, it’s time to get comfortable for exam season. These three ladies exemplify the best casual looks of our beloved college that should not be overlooked. As the wise words of Coco Chanel once told us, “Everyday is a fashion show, and the world is a runway”.

-la

a

the cinema star

pre

By: Billie Rose Owen

the queen bee

the pre-law

If you can’t remember the last time you wore leggings and often find yourself turning to Miranda Priestly for style inspiration, then you must be one of Trinity’s infamous and shiny-faced pre law students – the polished and preppy side of our college that will dress to impress in rain or shine. As Hannah shows off above, a well-fitted trench coat serves as the perfect accessory to embody the sophistication of a fashionable academic. You’re bound to turn heads as you walk to class and sit in your meetings, setting the tone as the brains, bronze and beauty of the lot.

the social butterfly

Are you part of 137 clubs? Do you often find yourself in TC24 past 5am? Do you engage in at least three conversations every time you enter Strachan Hall?

If so, you are like Katie, Trinity’s finest social butterfly. Whether swiftly biking to a meeting or managing Trinity College’s philanthropic endeavors, you’ll often hear whispers throughout Strachan wondering, “How does she do it?” It’s all in the outfit. Redefining sporty chic, Katie strikes a happy medium between practicality and charm. A pair of classic white runners allows you to speed through your daily tasks, while a colorful toque doubles as a quick fix to messy hair days and an accessory that personalizes casual attire. Looking effortlessly winsome, social butterflies keep it cool and casual, pulling off accessories that are both practical and fetching.

the social butterfly

the queen bee

Last but not least, we have none other than Dame Cassandra, Trinity College’s leading lady in the fashion department of all things cool and trendy. Fancy peacoats and high-heeled booties are all fun and games, but nothing says confidence more than unique statement pieces like colorful sneakers or a twist on conventional outerwear, which match this particular queen’s larger-than-life personality. If you identify as a fashion-forward thinker like Cass, you’re always one step ahead of the style pack, even if it means waiting in suspense for the Supreme weekly drops. Keeping up the signature look makes you stand out as a style icon, while also serving as an inspiration for students to embrace a unique personal style.

Are none of these looks for you? Don’t fret! If you strive for any look that tests the boundaries of conventional student style, you simultaneously adopt an aura of confidence that allows you to pull off anything. While you are what you wear, there are truly no guidelines that can confine what makes someone feel confident, cool and stylish. Either way, TCFS hopes you feel more at ease with your existential crisis, now that you have found hope in identifying your inner fashionista. Have you embodied a laid back everyday style, or have you found yourself eager to make a statement amidst a sea of neutrally toned blazers? Only time will tell. See you at Quad Party, TCFS will be watching!

MARCH 2017

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a year in haiku Photographer: Sydney Bradshaw

By: Julianne de Gara As I sit in Graham, avoiding writing the final essay for one of my classes, I can’t help but be reminded of my year in review from last year. As the first year columnist, I was allowed to do essentially whatever I wanted, and as the school year came to a close, I decided that my strategy for my final article was to do as little actual writing as possible. Thus, my “Year in Review in Two Sentences or Less” was born-- and then quickly destroyed when the Salterrae editing team wrote SENTANCES instead of sentences, leading members of collage to think I was either:

a

unable to spell entirely, which is embarrassing, and

b

terrible at making jokes, which is obviously just plain wrong.

However, in the spirit of my first year laziness, and to rectify the mistake from last year, I present to you: A Year in Haiku (alternate title: How Do I Write The Same Article Again But Make It Sound Different? Part 5).

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1 3 5 7 9

2

frosh week How to cure heat stroke Thank God I am not a Frosh Please burn this t-shirt. saints Co-Chair sounds like fun Pumpkin carnage broke my heart Never do good things. the athletic Soggy chicken nuggets Avneet Sharma broke his face Dashcon 2017. conversat Night at Trin’s Landing No jazz rapping this year Pizza on the floor. whit valentines I did not go but Running naked down the hall Sounds like a good time.

4 6 8

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thanksgiving hightable First Year table spot Fourth years tried to steal my pie I swear I earned it. bubbly Magnums locked away Singular glass of champagne There’s always next year. conversat ask Fire and Ice Gala Stayed till don’t stop believing Yes, I hate myself. reading week How can seven days Feel like eleven seconds I wanna go home. election season Best time of the year Does this count as campaigning?

Please, just kill us all.

These haikus don’t just demonstrate my laziness and last-minute planning for this article. They also represent how quickly a year passes us by - how brief and fleeting our time here really is. When broken down into just three lines, it’s easy to see how short 8 months really is (especially when you’re trash, like me, and spend a month at home over Christmas).

To 1T7, I hope you’ve made the most of it - though it’s obvious by your burgeoning alcoholism that you definitely have. To 1T8, 1T9, and 2T0: don’t worry, we’re still trapped in this place for at least a little while longer. Next year will bring the same events, the same catastrophes, and the same embarrassment walking into Strachan the morning after. That’s the best part of this godforsaken place we call home - it never fucking changes. 1T7, when you all inevitably crumble and come back to haunt us (Maddy, I’m looking at you), you will find that this place will be exactly how you left it, down to the graffiti in the steam tunnels and the pizza slices on the floor.

And I guess that’s why we love it here.

So good luck on your exams, try not to die at quad party (or at least make it a great story), and thank you for letting me report the events of Trinity College to you all in the least professional way possible. It’s truly been an honour, and I can’t wait to see who’ll be taking on this job next year.

And of course, it wouldn’t be fair not to end off with the wise and immortal words of my dearest life partner, Gina Kwon:

It’s been a helluva year.

MARCH 2017

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Parties on Parties on Parties: A History By: Kaitlyn Simpson

A

enters Trinity College for the first time. They walk through the quad, grab a bite from Strachan, and glance over a few readings in Stedmans.

With the perception that Trinity College is an academically elite, highly progressive, and insanely traditional place, this frosh has no idea what they got themselves into.

first year

Trinity College parties hard.

When it comes to drinking, dancing, and shenanigans, other colleges just don’t compare.

And so, the following is a collection of some of Trinity’s most memorable (and fucking insane) party moments, from the last few decades or so.

“When it comes to drinking, dancing, and shenanigans, other colleges just don’t compare.”

1988

Orientation Week, Initiations Week

Orientation week is party-central for incoming Trinitrons. With a formal event nearly every day, and an accompanying informal event, orientation week is ground-zero for partying. In the past, some of the biggest and best Frosh Week parties happened during an excursion to a nearby overnight camp. More recently, however, Toga Party has stolen the stage.

Initiations Week, in contrast, is home to a lot of old and wacky traditions – many involving alcohol and partying. It has been rumoured that initiations week once included a nude march in the middle of the night at Queens Park whilst participants drank room-temperature beer on Trinity’s lawn. Is their truth to these rumours? Alas, we’ll never know – although, it doesn’t sound too far off.

2005

When recalling their triumph during Initiations Week, three 0T9’s wrote about their memories as first-year heads, “All those memories which we may have forgotten: (a) because we were passed out somewhere (from studying too much, of course); or (b) because we were too busy figuring out how to remove the shards of glass from our bandaged fists.”

Formal Parties: Saints and Conversazione

Trinity College is known for being rather formal; this makes for interesting attire at events designated as formal. By sporting oddly patterned tuxedos, shimmering gowns, top hats, and fur coats, Trin students have taken to the dance floor in style since the very beginning. Trin student Paul Godin noted the unique styles during the 1984 Conversat noting the very few “normally dressed people.”

Godin added: “All the people, though, had what I can only describe as bizarre customs when it came to clothing. The party was beginning to look like a funeral for Pierre Trudeau.”

Saints is Trinity’s formal event taking place the first semester - unique in that it is a charity ball.

Located in St. Hilda’s, Saints has had some interesting themes over the years. Here a few notable ones: Ancient Egypt, The Pirates of Penzance, and the Titanic.

And finally, there is Conversazione, the biggest formal of the year. Conversat has been a staple of Trinity culture since the college’s beginning. A long night filled with romance, good music, and photographs, Conversat has been described as, “a celebration of absolute hedonistic indulgence.”

“Like diving into a huge vat of Turkish Delight or having sex with a mango,” wrote a student who signed their name as ex-Rex ex-King of Carnival in the 1991 edition of the Stephanos.

Quad Party

There is little historical documentation of Quad Parties. It has been speculated that this is because no person leaves Quad Party with any memory of what happened that night.

Formal or informal, drinking or no-drinking, enjoyable or not-enjoyable, Trinity’s many parties throughout the year are a staple in students’ undergraduate lives. And while many of us have little-to-no memory of these parties, they’ll always be an integral part of Trin.

16

1991

The Athletic

What was once a formal black-tie event has now turned into a night of tight-n-bright. The Athletic is a party in celebration of Trinity College’s many athletes and their great accomplishments on the pitch.

The Athletic can be one of the rowdier parties. In a small segment of the 1987 Stephanos, student Rupert Kahl reflects on the event. “Ask most people what the world ‘athletic’ means and you will probably get a reply such as ‘powerful,’ ‘in good shape,’ or some other misnomer. In fact, it is only here at Trinity that the real definition of the word is common knowledge: to be athletic is, of course, to be so drunk that your date has to carry you home in the small hours of the morning.”

In great spirit and recollection, 1991 President of the St. Hilda’s Athletic Association Barb Shum wrote a lovely poem in summary of the night. It goes like this: A is for Athletic Ball, a really good time T is for twinkle toes, the dancing was fine H is for how hungover, some people became L is for late, relief when Much Music came E is for excellent, Sung’s favourite word T is for TCAA, and controlling the herd I is for ice, keeping many drinks cold C is for counting, the tickets we sold B is for Barb and SHAA, who helped organize A is for “AWESOME! MORE! MORE! ” went the cries L is for if you miss is, you lose L is for legend, the Athletic Ball tradition continues

Trinity ARCHETYPES

tm

By: Emily Larman Anastasia Steele (50 Shades of Grey) The resident Anastasia™ finds herself lurking through the halls of Trinity unaware of her beauty, caught up in Tess of the d’Urbervilles (or in this case, the confines of the weekly Trin One reading/CHM 135 lab manual), and dressed modestly. She strives for the understated. The Anastasia™ is the seemingly inexperienced good girl. She wouldn’t dare be seen without a decent hemline, and the vanilla details of last weekend’s events are not to be discussed. She is private, relatively reserved, and a closet good time. Want to conquest her? Dominance is key.

Chuck Bass (Gossip Girl) The Chuck™ has a predilection for fine cigars and equally fine women. For Chuck™, money is no issue. He can often be found sporting Gucci loafers and a blazer. Casual? What’s that? Also, public school? What’s that? Chuck™ doesn’t know what it is like to live without privilege which is why people love to hate him. His Southern manners and charismatic charm enchant everyone he meets. He blinds you with his coy smile and ability to make you feel like you are the only girl in the world. However, his entitlement can often get the best of him. Can often be found drinking aged whiskey or moonshine while crying alone at night.

Watch out or eat your heart out.

Zac Efron (the frat guy) The Zac Efron™ can be found portraying Teddy in Neighbors and Jason in That Awkward Moment, as well as taking the form of, “That Frat Guy” at Trinity College. Zac™ appears to lack the mental faculties to be considered a tried and true member of Trinity, but you choose not to question it. His tough, party-guy exterior is probably just a front for the soft, insecure guy that he really is. He’s grown tired of aimless hookups but is afraid to openly show it, as he can’t sacrifice his precious rep. His BAC has far exceeded any remotely healthy level at this point, and he seems to have a never-ending tolerance for countless twosixes of rum. He has plans to be the next Kevin O’Leary. Don’t expect him to chose you over his bros. Requirement: know the interlude in, “No Role Modelz” by heart. Know that at the end of the day, the Zac™ probably has a lot more going for him than what comes across. Give him time and only engage while sober. Also, don’t interfere with his frat bros — that’s a new level of Trincest:

Fratcest. Be horny somewhere else because you don’t want that rep. Fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.

Lena Dunham (Girls) Everyone’s favorite SJW can be found manifested as the Lena™. Loves to engage in post-lecture discussion regarding POL101 and interfere in strangers’ arguments. The Lena™ has no qualms about speaking her mind about Literally. Every. Subject.

Ever. She likely has an inspirational quote tattoo and a Twitter account dedicated to her socialist commentary. She’s an avid-supporter of Trudeaumania and can be seen attending marches around the city, fighting for what’s right. She was probably holed up in bed crying silent tears on November 8th. Self-righteousness is a prerequisite and you better be assertive. The Lena™ couldn’t care less about what people think about her and literally has no filter. Regardless, the Lena™ can be best described as extremely passionate, to a fault. You probably won’t get bored, just annoyed. She’ll likely become an infamous activist and a frequent advocate of freeing the nipple.

Elle Woods (Legally Blonde) The Elle™ is the it-girl and she knows it. She goes for the effortlessly chic look and on her “off” days, a Juicy sweatsuit will suffice. She’s the epitome of bubbly, and a lover of small dogs. The Elle™ is an unsuspecting gossip-monger, and everyone’s best friend. Despite this reputation, don’t underestimate the Elle™’s intellectual capacity. She’s likely in Rotman or IR, and plans to get her JD from Harvard Law. She may be highly idealistic but will surprise you with her quick wit and biting commentary. She can be found watching the Bachelor with wine in hand one night, and attending a Liberal political convention the next. Be aware of potential snake, two-faced behavior, but the Elle™ is your ultimate catch. She has your best intentions at heart. Or does she?

Archie Andrews (Riverdale/Archie Comics) The local Archie™ is the nicest guy on the block, the star of every Trin intramural team, and artistically inclined. He may or may not write, sing, and play songs on his guitar. He may or may not write them for you. His athletic abilities are unparalleled, but he would rather spend time focusing on what is most important for his chosen path. He is a dreamer, but he is also realistic and studious. His

friend crew probably consists of females because he loves the attention and the estrogen. Archie™’s smile is fucking blinding, I’m telling you. Try not to stare. His textbook good looks make him a household name, but don’t let his reputation scare you away. Likely, he’s just looking for someone to be the big spoon for him at night. He’s a sensitive dude after all (probably a liberal arts major of some sort). You know those artistic types.

Harley Quinn (Suicide Squad) Don’t let the lack of coloured hair deceive you, Harleys™ can still be found taking form in the hyper-energetic and agile female specimens running rampant through Trinity. The Harley™ is likely nothing short of jacked and will quite possibly be able to outrun your fat ass. Her athletic abilities are vast, and range beyond the court or field; flexibility is key. The catch? She may be slightly crazy.

Despite her scientific disposition and plans to attend medical school, the Harley has been known to have an Avril Lavigne complex. The logic of science doesn’t extend to her everyday life, and she can be found foolishly pining after Fuckboy #32. Arrogance is key to win Harley’s™ heart.

Her hardass exterior doesn’t extend to her naive temperament. Break her heart and face the consequences.

Sheldon Cooper (Big Bang Theory) A character that has been so stereotyped it’s hard not to typecast him, the Sheldon™ can be described as a know-it-all and the male reincarnation of the Lena™. He’s not an advocate for social issues, but rather the most argumentative person you will ever meet. Count on him to say the most inappropriate thing at the worst time. The blessing and the curse of the Sheldon™ is that he is definitely your realist friend but that means he will probably make you cry. He might not even know that he is stubborn, he just can’t shy away from an argument. The problem with the Sheldon™ is that he can outtalk you in every single subject, except for anything involving emotional maturity.

Sheldon™ is so fucking technical it will drive you crazy, but you will likely become highly informed as a result. Tread lightly and know what makes him tick because he really isn’t that complicated.

He can be quite easy to tame as long as you pick your battles carefully. Loosen him up a bit and don’t forget: String Theory or nothing. Smart is the new sexy. Expresses aims to be the next Malcolm Gladwell of Trinity.

MARCH 2017

17

For the Neurodivergent I Can’t Feel My Face When I Am You

By: Vanessa Perruzza Illustrator: Amanda La Mantia

I

started this column with the intent to be funny.

I wanted to use humour to make the discussion of mental illness a little more approachable and accessible. Yet, here I am, beginning my fourth article of the year, trembling with terror because I don’t feel safe discussing my illness. I have shared my experiences of Bipolar Disorder, misdiagnosis, and even psychosis, but I haven’t even scratched the surface of my everyday experience with mental illness. And that’s what this article will be about. I’m sorry, but it won’t be funny.

I will preface this discussion by saying that I suffer from Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

In popular discussion of PTSD, the struggles of veterans are often the primary concern. While this is deserved, and critical to aiding those who have survived the horrors of war, it does tend to erase other survivors of PTSD, myself included. PTSD can develop because of any trauma, and unlike many other mental illnesses, it is not something you are born with, but something you develop in response to experiences. So unlike my Bipolar Disorder, my PTSD could have been avoided.

Now it’s time to talk about an illness that you 18

never thought was real. Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), or as you might have heard of it, Multiple Personality Disorder. DID is similar to PTSD because it is a trauma-based disorder.

That means it cannot exist without the experience of trauma. To develop DID, the trauma must occur before the age of 9, which means that every person with DID is a trauma survivor, and nearly all of them experienced abuse as children. When a child experiences inescapable trauma their mind severs itself for protection and creates an alternate personality - another person to take over the body in order to cope with the situation. This severing of the mind, or “splitting” as it is called in the medical field, can occur many times in response to many situations, sometimes resulting in over 100 alter personalities in very severe cases.

These people are called multiples, and experience multiplicity, and it is estimated that 1% of the world’s population has DID. I am one of those people. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Yes, I have been professionally diagnosed (by several psychiatrists).

No, I am not lying.

Please direct all DID-related jokes to my asshole, because it’s the only part of me that deals with any shit.

My experiences with DID began in first year, even though I didn’t have an actual alter yet. I would lose hours or even whole days to strange and frightening black-outs. Sometimes, I would wake up and suddenly find myself in an unfamiliar corner of the city, severely underdressed, with no phone or wallet, several hours after I remember having been conscious. Other times, I would have people tell me about conversations we’d had, or strange things I had done that I had no recollection of. Sometimes, I couldn’t do much but lay in bed and wonder why I couldn’t feel my own body.

Have you ever looked in a mirror and not recognized yourself ? I’m not talking about a new haircut, or glasses. I mean staring at your features, the same ones you’ve always had, and beginning to cry because that is not your nose, not your mouth, and you feel sure that someone has stolen

your face and has left you with a stranger.

Sometimes, I lose myself completely, only to have something else surface in my body. Something that shakes and screams, and tries to tear my skin from my body and put my head through walls. It’s called a fragment, an alter that is not fully formed, and is often trapped in a memory, reliving trauma over and over again.

It wasn’t until January of my last year that I formed a full alter. Her name is Daniella, or Nella for short, and she’s four.

Feeling overwhelmed? Try having a fully formed person sharing the same mental space with you, and sometimes using your body without permission.

I’m not writing this just to spill my guts about how shitty it is to have DID. Cause to be frank, I kind of feel like I have my own superpower. My brain is so complex and hardcore, that it can create new people to help protect me from harm. It’s like Mystique from the X-Men, except instead of my body looking like different people, it’s different people looking like my body.

Here I am, beginning my fourth article of the year, trembling with terror because I don’t feel safe discussing my illness.

Bodies respond to DID in incredible ways as the brain’s chemistry changes drastically depending on who is present. An alter could have a heart arrhythmia even if the host (the original person) does not. Alters could need glasses to correct eyesight issues that the host doesn’t have. Alters can speak languages that the host doesn’t know, and possess accents and different speech patterns.

They are completely different people than the host, even though they are a severed part of the same mind.

For example, if I was a puppy, I would look like this.

In case you’re wondering, Nella doesn’t look like me. She looks kinda like this.

I’m also being very facetious.

The real issue that lies within having DID is that I must be silent about it. It’s not like depression, anxiety, or even bipolar disorder or psychosis. At least those things are tangible, and I can explain them to a professor, my mother, or a person on the street. But being “multiple” is something that most people cannot fathom, and as such, the media has appropriated the illness into a plot-twist. But I am not a plot-twist. I’m real. I’m valid.

And she would like me to let you all know that if she was a puppy, she’d look like this.

I wasn’t going to write this last article about DID. I was too frightened to share. But recently, M. Night Shyamalan released a “psychological thriller” film called Split, and I couldn’t stay silent anymore.

The film focuses on Kevin, who suffers from DID, and who is supplanted as the host by his alters Dennis and Patricia, who abduct and threaten to murder three young girls with a secret alter called “the Beast”. In addition to attributing abusive and homicidal traits to a person with DID, the movie also sensationalizes the experience of trauma and abuse, as if it “purifies” a person.

My disgust and revulsion at this film is boundless, and the fear associated with its’ repercussions is almost paralyzing. When Shyamalan began creating this film not to raise awareness but to

use multiplicity as a terrifying plot element to generate fear, he agreed to capitalize off the struggles of millions with DID. When this movie released, pulling in approximately $240 million, I felt as though Shyamalan was staring me down and saying, “I’m glad you were abused as a child, because now I can capitalize off your trauma by making others fear you.” The entirety of the DID community has been violated by these actions despite several cries for help. Petitions were signed for a PSA to be filmed, and despite grossing over 50,000 signatures, they were ignored.

DID faces stigma within the mental health community, and is invalidated even by doctors.

By creating this film, we have been forced to cower in the shadows, for fear of being labelled as murderers, and because of that, hundreds of thousands of trauma survivors will be invalidated and refused treatment. So thanks, M. Night Shyamalan. Thanks for nothing.

My alter is not a “beast”. Nella is a sweet little girl who is overwhelmingly empathetic and gentle.

She loves cupcakes, and popcorn, and the cartoon Steven Universe. And she cries when she sees others cry because she cannot possibly fathom hardship. She exists to protect me from myself, and to help me heal when I am vulnerable and scared.

If you have the pleasure of meeting her, she might ask you for money so she can buy a cupcake, or for permission to put her finger up your nose.

She’s just a little girl, and for fuck’s sake, neither of us intend to murder anyone. Those of us who struggle with DID are victims, and to assume that we have malicious intent, simply because we have an unpredictable illness, is submitting us to further abuse. If you want to learn more about DID, read up on it in the DSM-V, or watch the lecture by youtuber MultiplicityandMe, or even watch the TV show, “United States of Tara”. Or just ask me, because ignorance breeds fear, and I’d rather be spammed with emails.

Contact me at vanessa.perruzza@mail.utoronto. ca for any reason at all.

And finally, thank you for reading my article.

Whether you read all four issues, or just picked this up by chance, I appreciate the opportunity to share with you hope you learned a little something in the process.

Stay safe, Trin.

Vanessa Perruzza, also Nella.

MARCH 2017

19

anTi klamat By:Damien Klambauer Will you accept this rose?

The Right Reverend John Strachan, Bishop of Toronto remembered the first time he had heard those words. It was Galentine’s Day 1849, and he had been getting over a bad breakup. Those cheating skanks in the government of Upper Canada had taken his once-beloved King’s College away from him and severed all its ties to the Church. Numb from the pain of this separation, Strachan shovelled ice cream into his gaping maw as a gal pal put on The Bachelor. He was immediately enthralled by the show. The drama! The Bachelor’s stunning good looks! The promise of true lasting love! The prospect of Instagram stardom! He resolved then that someday—he didn’t yet know how, he didn’t yet know when—he would stand there on that platform, in a cute but mature cocktail dress, as the Bachelor offered him the final rose.

Now, some 168 years later, his wish was about to come true. Strachan was sweating bullets as he stood with the other contestants and watched the Bachelor slowly pick up the final rose.

His dress was riding up uncomfortably in the crotch and he knew his mascara must already be starting to run. The Bachelor’s lingering gaze danced across the room, and Strachan felt his heart skip a beat. He held his breath.

“Jeanette, will you accept this rose?”

Strachan’s ragged breathing echoed in his ears. His pulse throbbed where his artery met his chiseled masculine jaw, and he felt one eye twitch. His vision shrank to a single image: the overjoyed Jeanette hugging the Bachelor with her spindly arms while flashing her fake smile.

The rest of the evening flew by in a blur. Later, he vaguely recalled telling the camera crew in tears that he just wanted to find love, and obviously he wouldn’t find it here if the Bachelor really thought Jeanette was better than him, and really this is all for the best. But of course he didn’t believe it then. Strachan dabbed at his tear-streaked face and picked up his suitcase to begin the long walk home to Toronto.

Along that melancholy, reflective walk, he learned something about himself. Although they had only made out twice on the show, Strachan eventually realized that, really, The Bachelor was inside him all along. In a roadside motel in Colorado, he dug deep into himself, his $50 UofT branded letter-opener glinting in the fluorescent lights as it slid through flesh and tendon. After he was done cutting out all his B.S., he pulled out his B.A. and held it up in the light to examine. This was his ticket to a broader world.

At that moment, John Strachan was enlightened.

The remainder of his journey home passed quickly. He had transcended the shackles that had kept him motionless for so long, and living felt light and easy again. He won every bar fight he got into, and found love in every town on his path. New horizons beckoned each day, and each night he exalted in the glory of his new life. Strachan arrived in Toronto, and his old haunts, once so familiar, now felt claustrophobic and stifling. He knew that he had to move on. That time was past, and a new one had opened up before him.

As the bounds of his fictional world began to dissolve and Strachan got ready to go to Nirvana night at the Dance Cave, he turned to the reader and delivered these words of advice.

20

: tic

“John Strachan, Will You Accept This Rose?”

Allegorical Musings on Graduation and Finality

“All things must come to an end, and so it is with this. Eventually UofT releases its cadaverous grip on you, and you find the bachelor that’s been waiting within you this whole time. Eventually you start buying wine that doesn’t come in boxes. Eventually you stop having the dream where you wake up in the exam centre in your underwear. Eventually you start doing laundry, instead of just buying replacement underwear from Honest Ed’s. In fact, Honest Ed’s is closed now. Life is fleeting so pay attention.

There’s a bigger world out there, and it’s waiting for you. There’s more to life than getting drunk on a Wednesday and starting shit on the Trin Facebook group. Being caught up on all the latest gossip doesn’t make you interesting; it makes you bored.

There’s more to do in the ROM than taking flaskshots in the Batcave. Calling Fireball Whiskey ‘thot sauce’ is only funny the first ten times. Accept gracefully that it’s time to move on now, and start living the rest of your life.”

That said, Strachan hopped down off his high horse, pulled a pencil from behind his ear, and started to do his 2016 taxes.

MARCH 2017

21

the Ultimate Bucket List of

Bad and Bougie By: Allegra Wiesenfeld

Trin Hookups

W

ith the end of the school year rapidly approaching, it’s time to reflect on all the crazy, sexy, sloppy and regretful escapades you’ve had this year – or haven’t had. Feel that you haven’t done enough in the past two semesters to be considered a wild degenerate of Trinity College?

Did you prioritize midterms over mid-afternoon quickies under Henderson tower? Did you die too early at Bubbly to experience the cesspool of hormones that erupts after the “champagne” runs out? Are you reaching the end of your first year, realizing that you don’t have enough embarrassing experiences to trot out in story-form when you eventually reach fourth year and can reminisce on the exploits of your youth? Are you in fourth year, reminiscing on the exploits of your first-year youth, coming to the realization that between law school applications and frantically trying to track down Rachel the Registrar at her new St. Mike’s job, you’ve somehow become…boring?

If you feel that you’ve underachieved on the sexploits in 2016-17, that you’ve reached a state of banality that doesn’t even include anal, the Salterrae sex column has a bucket list that is guaranteed to make life a little more interesting. It’s the year of the Rooster after all, and who’s ever decided to play it safe during the year of the cock?

Here is a list of challenges, with input from anonymous commenters who offered their opinions as I wrote this in Strachan.

1 22

The Buttery Party Challenge

Get frisky in everyone’s favorite study space by day, trashy garbage-bag-windowed party space by night. Venturing downstairs into the depths of the Buttery basement offers unexplored hookup land, from the dance studio to the locker room. The men’s washroom is highly recommended, as “it has a condom machine.”

Word to the wise: Check for lurking basement frequenter Buttery Party Mike if this is your chosen spot, unless you’re looking for a slip-nslide of the yack variety.

2

The New Renovations Medley

There’s something incredibly wrong about christening the Wellness room with body fluids, but if you’re up for the challenge of hitting every recently redone space around Trin, this is the largest of the lot. Hey, if sex is your recipe for Wellness, who is anyone else to judge?

On the bathroom theme, if you’re looking for another sexy squatting spot to hit up, the new single gender-neutral washroom behind Strachan has become a dark horse contender for best hookup spot. “You can lock it and it’s fucking huge, what else can you ask for?”

3 4 5 6

The Leave Trin Challenge Literally just leave trin. Use the opportunity to do anything, whether it be hooking up on the stage of Con Hall, pretending you’re in an X-rated version of the Mean Girls mathletes scene, or finding love in the Robarts stairwell and praying a fire alarm doesn’t go off. You know what, maybe just use that time to get some perogies not doused in butter chicken and fused with poutine, breathe in some fresh air that isn’t in the quad, and observe the residents of Toronto walk by, without even a single one wearing a Trin sweater… odds are you fail this challenge.

The Common Room Contest Be the first of your squad to have hooked up in all of the five common rooms.

Clean up after, because that’s not a conversation you’ll want to have with your friendly neighborhood Head. Bonus points awarded for two other common rooms at Trinity Proper, the Subheavan common room, which is a common room for only a few, and the Quad, a collective common room for the student population of the college.

Repping Your Extracurricular Involvement

Be that douche who keeps their Make America Great Again baseball cap on while getting frisky, but dial back on the racism and amp up the Trincentrisms to make it collegiate! Whether it be in your sober patrol sash, your intramural jersey or your gold key, make sure to keep it on, to show that you care…about your club. Who knows, maybe you’ll even get endorsed on Linkedin for your dedication to your interests from it.

The Seaborn Factor

Ah, a hardened tradition of Trinity College, one that should be on everyone’s bucket list –sex themed or not. In the wake of the departure of the source of this ultimate challenge, the Ground Zero of this operation, the task has become infinitely more difficult. But hey, look at it this way: there’s a maximum of six degrees of separation between all people, so you might be there already and not even know it. If you’re ever lost, let your Seaborn factor take you to Saigon, you’re bound to find some clues there. If you don’t know what I’m talking about…you’re too young for this article. Go read an Archie comic or something instead.

ONDIFAQ So No One Told U Life Was Gonna Be This Way Q: By: Ondiek Oduor

Dear Ondied,

Let me take you back. Way, way back to the day that the Academy Awards® aired. Not for any important reason, but just because I happen to be writing this as it’s happening.

We get it. We get it.

You like the ‘90s. Blah, blah, Lisa Loeb this, and blah blah Destiny’s Child with four members that. You do realize your audience, right? This is the Salterrae, not the New Yorker. I was born in ’98, and the oldest people reading this would’ve been born in late ’96. Write for your audience, jerk.

I am, of course, not watching the awards show, but rather an episode of Friends — the one where Chandler can’t cry.

I loved Jennifer Aniston’s hair during season six — it makes me feel like I’m Rachel Green. I’m America’s girl next door just by virtue of watching her hair in motion.

Kinda like Rory Gilmore, Rachel Green’s Windows 98/2000 aesthetic can do no wrong — even if the aesthetic is sleeping with a married man.

Who the fuck is Ross Gellar? Why can’t you talk about contouring and the Chainsmokers?

Either grow up or move into a retirement home, Vape Frosh

A:

Why watch the Academy Awards? I already know that the Best Picture award will go to the dozens of white people who have made a production of why I should watch La La Land.

Okay — back to the column. I hope you had a good break because mine was pretty spicy NGL.

Q: A:

Q:

I heard Arjun has you living in a bachelor basement apartment in Pickering, and Maddy forces you to pick up her dry cleaning every Thursday — the day after “Wine Wednesday” — because the Trin washers can’t handle that much red vomit.

Why do you keep writing for them?

Salaried Frosh Dear Salaried Frosh, I write for the Salterrae because Maddy buys me a six-inch meatball sub every once in awhile. Well, that and because I want to take life’s never-ending pain, then turn it into laughter instead. It makes me happy.

And despite reports to the contrary, Trin will always have a place in that area where my heart used to be.

Best, Ondi

So no one told me life was gonna be this way. My job’s a joke, I’m broke, and my love life’s D.O.A. It’s like I’m always stuck in second gear — when it hasn’t been my day, my week, my month, or even my year, but…

Fuck you, buddy. Are you chirping me, ANON? Impeach me then, asshole. Better yet, why don’t you go tell Arjun or Maddy on me? CALL THE WAHMBULANCE. Oh right, you’re too busy liking Kendall Jenner’s selfies on Instagram.

Here’s my advice: Try mixing bleach and ammonia the next time you clean your washroom.

Best, Ondi

Unroll your eyes and put your seat belts on because Ondi’s going to serve you some H.A.M. WIZdom.

Dear On-tern

Dear Vape Frosh,

Dear Ondiek, I heard that this may be the last time you write this column. :( Do you have any parting advice for us youth?

Yeah, FAQ Frosh

A:

Dear FAQ Frosh, Why should I tell you? Is this a courtroom? You may go to Trin, but you’re not a prosecutor yet, friend.

I don’t understand your question and I refuse to respond.

I will say, however, that adding a chemical exfoliant to your facial routine really does make your skin feel as fetal as those pictures on the signs that anti-choice protestors force onto you.

Best, Ondiek

MARCH 2017

23

Lucky numbers: 4, 5, 6.9083

PISCES

(February 19 - March 20)

By: Rachel Copp Clark

Your 7th and 8th moons of Uranus are getting closer, so you will be feeling extra dramatic this month. However, election season is over so you’re going to have to find something else to channel your energy into. You could try something productive like yoga, or troll Trump supporters on Facebook. Either one sounds good to me.

Lucky numbers: 3.53, 35, 65 Famous Pisces: Kurt Cobain, Aretha Franklin, Rihanna

TAURUS

Famous Aquarius: The Weeknd, Michael Jordan, Abraham Lincoln

As a reward for completing a great semester and being by far the best star sign (I’m not biased), the stars declare that you deserve a day off. Relax, do a facemask, rewatch Nick Viall’s disastrous Bachelor season, and ignore all of your responsibilities. You deserve it.

Lucky numbers: 12, 2.8, 7

Famous Aries: Robert Downey Jr., Rooney Mara, James Franco

Famous Taurus: George Clooney, Jessica Alba, Amber Heard

MERCURY IS IN RETROGRADE FROM APRIL 9TH TO MAY 3RD. RUN. HIDE. EVERYTHING IS BAD.

The 7th moon of Mercury is passing through your 4th house of Venus, meaning that this month will be solidly mediocre. Fortunately, I have some wise words from your fellow Cancer, Jaden Smith, to help you through this average and uneventful time:

Famous Gemini: Angelina Jolie, Morgan Freeman, Tupac

CANCER

Lucky numbers: 666, 666, 666

(June 21 - July 22)

ARIES GEMINI

(May 21 - June 20)

Lucky numbers: 53, 63, 73

(April 20 - May 20)

Congratulations, Aries! School is almost over and you’ve (hopefully) managed to survive the year without any major disasters. Unfortunately, you are probably about to spend the next few months in a boring, pointless and soul-sucking summer job in a desperate effort to pad your law school applications. Have fun!

AQUARIUS

(January 20 - February 18)

With the interaction between Mars and Saturn this month, you will be extra lucky. Take a chance and go out and buy some lottery tickets and try to win millions of dollars or a mansion or something. If you are looking for something on a lower budget, Roll Up The Rim is still on.

Free donuts are almost as cool.

(March 21 - April 19)

HOROSCOPES

“Home Is Any Place That Has A Bed, A TV, And You.”

Lucky numbers: 6, 2, G Famous Sagittarius: T Swift, Miley, Jake Gyllenhaal

The Sun and Venus are best friends right now, which means that you should avoid the colour yellow at all costs. Want to know why? Don’t ask me because I don’t make the rules and I honestly have no idea how astrology works. Sorry.

SCORPIO

VIRGO

(August 23 - September 22)

Famous Libra: Zach Galifianakis, Gwyneth Paltrow, Hugh Jackman

(October 23-November 21)

Lucky numbers: 543, 1, 0.34

Summer is coming soon and Saturn is, like, moving around a lot, which means that it’s time for you to step out of your comfort zone! Take risks, have fun, and life your life to the fullest. (But if you mess up your whole life it’s totally not my fault).

CAPRICORN

How are you feeling, Sagittarius? I’m asking because you don’t look so great. If you’ve been skipping class, eating your weight in Doritos, and watching way too many Netflix documentaries about obscure topics (same), then it’s time to pull your life together. Exams are coming up and you are a mess. No pressure though.

LIBRA

(September 23 - October 22)

Famous Leo: Obama, Jennifer Lawrence, Mick Jagger

Hey, Virgo. I’m going to go ahead and guess that you’ve had a pretty hard month. School sucks, you miss the hot chocolate machine in Strachan, and your March Madness bracket was a disaster. You can go ahead and blame the stars, but tbh it’s not their fault that your favourite basketball teams are trash.

(December 22 - January 19)

Lucky numbers: 416-439-0000

Saturn is at the top of your star chart, which means that you will be feeling a lot of clarity this month. Take advantage of this opportunity to reflect on your life choices and other important shit like that. Kind of like spring cleaning but for like *~everything~*. That’s deep.

SAGITTARIUS 24

Good news Leo! All of the planets are aligned for you this month, and you are going to meet your soulmate! Hint: your lucky numbers will lead you to your soul mate.

(November 22 - December 21)

LEO

(July 23 - August 22)

Lucky numbers: blue, orange, green Famous Cancer: Jaden Smith, Ernest Hemingway, Tom Hanks

Lucky numbers: 11, 21, 15 Famous Virgo: Blake Lively, Pippa Middleton, Adam Sandler

Lucky numbers: N/A Famous Scorpio: Drake, Ciara, Kathy Griffin

Lucky numbers: 35929124 Famous Capricorn: Ryan Seacrest, Denzel Washington, Blue Ivy Carter