December 2017

THE

SALTERRAE Holiday 2017

THE SALTERRAE Holiday 2017 EDITOR IN CHIEF Anna Trikas

SENIOR DESIGN EDITOR/TREASURER Sydney Bradshaw

SENIOR COPY EDITOR Ethan Raymond

DESIGN EDITORS Mattea Powell Susha Guan Kira James

Columnists Continued Mary Debono & Thomas Robson Allegra Wiesenfeld Alex Portoraro Emily Larman Angela Gu Annie MacKillican Madeline Keizer

COPY EDITORS Charlie Jupp-Adams Julianne de Gara Tiffany Leung CONTRIBUTORS Columnists Billie Rose Owen Avneet Sharma Isaac Wright Arjun Gandhi Sabryna Ekstein Neve Klassen Julianne de Gara Sara Sgambelluri

Staff Writers Phil Schwartz Aisha Ryan Alex McKeever Kate Reeve Art & Photography Jenny Qian Heather Nichols Anna Trikas

From the Editors...

Members of College, It’s that time of year again. The twelve page essays have been handed in, and exams are coming up. All of your professors know whether you’ve been naughty or nice this semester, and they’ll be grading accordingly. So if you’d rather not get a lump of coal (or salt) in your stocking this Christmas, it’s time to hit the stacks at Robarts.

However, even the most dedicated, straight A Trin student needs a study break.

Sweating over that International Law (POL340Y1) midterm coming up? De-stress by reading Phil’s Christmas gift suggestions for even the most cultured Trin student. Tired of thinking about cells and proteins? Learn how to cook a squirrel from Isaac. Or, maybe you’ve just submitted an application to Oxford U (probably about 60% of you), and you can’t get your mind off it. In that case, take a chill pill, get cozy and continue reading, ‘cause Oxford won’t be getting back to you in a while.

Whatever your plans are this exam season, we hope that you take the time to read this Salterrae. Bubbly being cancelled doesn’t mean you can’t get into the holiday spirit. So happy reading, friends. And don’t be afraid to submit anything you’d like us to publish to salterrae.trinitycollege@gmail.com.

Stay Salty,

Anna, Sydney, and Ethan

IN THIS ISSUE...

Ta b l e o f C o n t e n t s

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Saints and Sinners

By Neve Klassen

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Michael Chong:The Conservative Party’s Missed Oppurtunity In Conversation with the MP Trying to Reform Canadian Politics

By Arjun Gandhi

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Unfounded Fears

A Fractured Mosaic Part 2

By Aisha Ryan

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The Great Escape

By Kate Reeve

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Strachan Hacks

By Angela Gu

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Isaac’s Cookbook

Fire Roasted Wild Squirrel

By Isaac Wright

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Craftmas Time is Here

By Angela Gu

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Mary and Me

Chapter 2: Nightmare Before Christmas

By Mary Debono and Thomas Robson

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To Do Winter

Guide to the City Part 2

By Allegra Wiesenfeld

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Three Beautiful Christmas Traditions in Toronto

By Julianne de Gara

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First Year Fashionistas

Tips and Tricks for the Holiday Season

By Billie Rose Owen

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Your Non-Syllabus Reading List

By Sabryna Ekstein

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A Holiday Movie Guide: Trin Edition

By Emily Larman

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Phil Your Stockings

By Phil Schwarz

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Trumpdate

Tis the Season for Nuclear Wall

By Annie MacKillican

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A Betch’s Winter Survival Guide

By A & B

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Askneet

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By Avneet Sharma

By Alex McKeever

Horoscopes

The Twelve (or More) Drinks of Christmas

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By Sara Sgambelluri

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SAINTS& SINNERS

By Neve Klassen | Photography by Heather Nichols

There was a time when I was not sure that I would have to write this article. Events? At Trinity College?

It’s less likely than you think. A bygone era, I thought.

I’ll keep “Salterrae Events Columnist 2017,” on my resume, but I guess it’s time to kick back and relax.

Great, I thought, it’ll be the height of my end-of-term workload and this will be one less thing to worry about. I was going to suggest some fun, subversive stuff for the layout - maybe just a couple of blank pages? I could have written about any old Buttery Party, prefaced by, “This is probably what would have happened,” accompanied by a sketch artist’s impression of a typical night at a Trin event. I flirted with the idea of a Buttery Party obituary. But you did it Trinity College! You love alcohol so much that everyone was willing to be on their best behaviour at Saints Kickoff, and then willing to be trapped in St. Hilda’s surrounded by a police-state level of security. The Salterrae Events column is still up and running. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Let’s talk Kickoff.

I’m not sure what exactly the 2T1s are going to take away from Kickoff, their very first Buttery Party TM (they grow up so fast!). The décor, water-pong games, and fully functional popcorn machine were top-notch. I think it shows real strength of character and hope for the youth of Trinity College that the organizers were actually able to keep someone operating that machine all night. I saw it and thought, nice prop, I bet people are going to bail and actually getting to eat popcorn tonight will be a pipe dream. Not so. I was eating popcorn all night.

Unfortunately there was no beer for it to help me metabolize. I hope the first years all remember these good times, but I do think that the anxiety was palpable that night. This Buttery Party was a shell of its former, raucous self. Maybe it’s for the best, but it felt like everyone was looking over

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their shoulder, desperate not to be the one that ruins it for the rest of us. Or they were looking over their hookup’s shoulder. Or maybe everyone else was having as good a time as ever, and I’m just being cynical because the dude I asked to Saints legitimately thought I was joking, and asked a different girl a few days later. I couldn’t help but wonder if it was because I sealed the deal with a handshake.

I breathed a sigh of relief following the sober success of Kickoff. Not only was booze potentially back on the table, but I would at least have something to write about in this article. There was also the week of events.

The traditional coffeehouse had a magical spin put on it, the bake sale was sweet, and the Saints Bowl went the way it always does, but the real star was the “Pandemonium Pie In The Face,” on Tuesday. I know it

was the star, because it is the only thing on the Cirque Du Saints Instagram page. Kudos to the admin, who showed up to get pie-d in the face. I’m sure it was a great de-stressor for students (#healthandwellness), but it was a little reminiscent of Sean Spicer’s appearance at the Emmys. I’m sure it’s nice to feel in on the joke, but we didn’t forget everything that has happened this year! Anyways, a little slapstick comedy is always fun and thematic. Then came the “Head’s

think that it was their meticulous attention to detail that made the event so on theme. There were bards (DJs), dancers, jugglers (the Dons with the puking first years), and the distinct feeling of being in a room with wild animals (the security are the lion tamers in this metaphor). I do think that the significant amount of puke on the floor could have been avoided, but that’s just me.

Single Night In/Out,” and then the main event, “Under The Big Top.” After all of the build up, the Saints Ball itself was really lovely. The silk big top was magnificent, the tunes were boppin’, and they really used the layout to their advantage. In my mind, an event will get full marks if they provide food other than pizza from Pizza-Pizza, so thank you for that. Also, while the in/ out policy was controversial, it did mean that everyone was at the party at the same time. The place was packed, including Melinda Seamen, an infamously difficult room to get people to party in. The added security made for a convoluted route into the event, but could it have also made the party seem a little more exclusive?

Kind-of. I’m also crediting the event organizers with convincing the 2T1s that photo-booths actually are cool and a good idea, and maybe now they won’t let them die. The Saints photo-booth was a huge hit and as per usual, the photos took over Instagram in the subsequent 24 hours. Overall, I would posit that Cirque du Saints was a contemporary and well-executed take on the traditional aspects of Trinity formal events that we all know and love, despite the circumstances. Also, Trinity decided en masse to get as drunk (or even drunker). It was a good show of perseverance all around.

In a classic case of life imitating art, it really did feel like a circus. I doubt the organizers planned for any of the craziness, but I’d like to

I do want to say a thank you to the organizers and the heads for all of the planning and negotiations that went into this seminal event, and for the money they raised for a great cause! I’m looking forward to this traveling circus that is the student body of Trinity College to pack up, and move on, with any luck, to our next event!

g n o h C l e a h c i M Y IT N U T R U P P O D E S IS M PARTY’S anadian Politics THE CONSERVATIVE M C rm o ef R to g in ry T P In Conversation with

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the

By Arjun Gandhi

“A century ago our government worked quite differently than it does today,” Michael Chong says candidly. “In my education at UofT, I read about the time in Canada’s history when party leaders did not have nearly the power they have now. In the 1840s and 1850s, the tradition of responsible government came to Canada, which made the executive branch of government accountable to elected MPs. MPs were not to be ordered around by the PMO and the party leaders, but quite the opposite. That education here at UofT informed the way I think about my role as a Member of Parliament in Ottawa, and gave me the confidence that I was acting on the shoulders of giants.”

As we enter the café, Chong discusses how he loves spending time at the farm where he and his wife live with their three sons.

This is Michael Chong’s response when I ask him why he has publicly opposed the stance of his party, the Conservative Party of Canada, so often since becoming an MP.

Born in 1971, Michael Chong grew up in the small town of Fergus, Ontario. “It’s now a community of about 17,000 people, but back when I graduated from high school, it was only about 5,000 or 6,000 people,” he said.

Canada’s parliamentary system is infamous for its strict party whips, but Chong has a reputation on Parliament Hill for sticking to his strong moral compass. During the 2004 federal election, he expressed support for the Kyoto Protocol while his party opposed it. In December 2006, he was one of only a handful of Conservatives to vote against re-opening the same-sex marriage debate after it had been legalized. During this past year, Chong has continued to oppose his party’s public stance on climate change by broadcasting his support for implementing a revenue-neutral carbon tax, and by voting in favour of Motion 103, which calls on the Government to condemn Islamophobia and all other forms of religious and racial discrimination in Canada.

Chong’s honesty and genuineness have earned him the respect of parliamentarians and Canadians of all political stripes. That is why I was so excited to sit down and chat with him.

Knowing that my interview with the Trinity alumnus was being published in a Trinity College magazine, I thought to conduct it in a setting that best exemplifies Trinity: L’Espresso Bar Mercurio.

As I was walking to the café, I received a call from Mr. Chong, explaining that he would be later than expected. His tone was warm and casual. He spoke as if our connection to Trinity had made us old friends looking forward to a rendez-vous.

Upon his arrival, the Member of Parliament greets me with a sincere smile and that same warmth. He begins by making small talk and asking me about my life. As we look at the buildings surround us, he recalls his fond memories of UofT classrooms and of meeting his wife, Carrie Davidson, at Trinity. She had served as the Female Head of Arts.

We find a pair of seats, sit down, and begin. *** “I had the kind of childhood where we played in the fields, got dirty and roamed like wild hooligans from time to time.

Looking back, my childhood was really idyllic, but it was also marred by tragedy.”

His upbringing largely shapes the perspectives he holds today. He credits growing up in a rural, agricultural community as the reason he feels “a real attachment to the land in which we live” and his understanding of the dangers of living outside the city. “Both of my parents were killed in accidents in rural Ontario, close to where I live today, because driving long distances and often on roads that are dangerous is part of the life of someone living in rural Ontario.”

Chong’s mother passed away when he was six, and his father at the same intersection twenty-one years later.

“Growing up as the child of immigrant parents in rural Ontario also shaped me. I was deeply Canadian but at the same time I was different from the rest of my classmates.”

Michael Chong believes these experience led him to develop the ability to “understand the other side of the story”. “I come to politics representing a rural riding with a rural point of view, but at the same time I understand the challenges of immigrants in large cities in this country who are striving to get ahead. When we have debates on those issues, I think I straddle that divide, because I grew up in both solitudes: a solitude of a Canada that was largely agrarian, rural and homogenous, and the solitude of a Canada that’s teeming with new immigrants and rapidly changing, a Canada that’s urban and diverse and rising.”

Though he enjoyed his youth in small town Ontario, Chong says that when it came time to pursue postsecondary education, he wasnted “to go as far away from small town Ontario as possible, as every eighteen-year old who grows up in a rural town does. I wanted to go to the heart of the country, Toronto, so I joined the University of Toronto.”

A student in the Faculty of Arts and Sciences, Chong’s studies focused largely on Philosophy. At

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Trinity, he was a member of a number of clubs, including the Lit and the Wine Society.

A few years ago, Michael Chong served as a member of Trinity College Corporation, so I ask him if he thinks the College has changed much since his time there as a student. He responds with a chuckle, “Well, it’s now co-ed. It wasn’t co-ed when I was here.” After remarking that Trinity has enjoyed a natural evolution over the last several decades, he remarks, “The one thing that I think has remained the same is that the calibre of the students that go to Trinity is very high. It has always attracted a diverse group of bright and ambitious people that want to change the world.”

“When I first got involved in politics, Perrin Beatty was the Member of Parliament for my riding, and it was the 1988 free trade election. I don’t want to oversell my involvement, because I just handed out a couple buttons and free shirts. But through that election, I became a strong believer in free markets and free trade. Good economic policy empirically demonstrates that free trade benefits both parties involved, creating prosperity and jobs. We don’t have to be insular as Canadians. We’re well-educated, we’re blessed with natural resources, we’re innovative, and we can compete with the best in the world. That ambitious confidence was an essential that’s where I decided to go and look for aspect of the Conservative Party when I work.” was growing up. It’s why I was attracted to the Party and why I started to get He references this life lesson in explain- involved with politics.” ing why he decided to run to be a Member of Parliament in 2004.

When asked what it was like to be a “I never thought I would become a Member of Parliament in my thirties.

I had originally wanted to wait until my kids were out of the house and my career was over. It was supposed to be something I would consider in my fifties or sixties. But in 2004, a good friend of mine sat me down and told me to go for it now. He said, ‘If you wait two or three decades, you may find that the opportunity is over, that the doors are closed, and that they will never re-open.’ There was risk in running at that time, but I recognized that there was greater risk in waiting until I was older. A few ridings had merged, so Wellington – Halton Hills, newly-created at the time, had no incumbent MP. Things seemed to be coming together, so I took the opportunity.”

After graduation, Michael Chong worked in the banking sector for ten years. When asked why he chose to pursue that field after studying philosophy, he responds, “An important life lesson I’ve learned is that sometimes you can’t pick your path. Sometimes you have to seize the opportunities presented to you.”

He ran as a member of the Conservative Party of Canada, having been a member “Back in the mid-1990s, we were of the Progressive Conservatives since coming out of a deep recession. There his early teens. In his younger days, he weren’t a lot of employment oppor- was inspired to get involved with politunities for younger people with the tics by Perrin Beatty, who Chong says exception of the rapidly expanding in- “is still a mentor of mine.” “He was formation technology industry somebody that I and a lot of people in in the banking sector. That’s my community looked up to.” where the opportunity was, so

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conservative at the very liberal University of Toronto, Chong recalls that things were different then. “When I went to university in the early 1990s, there was a robust New Democratic Party, a robust Liberal Party, and a robust Conservative Party. All three were competitive on campus. If anything, the

“Sometimes you can’t pick your path. Sometimes you have to seize the opportunities presented to you.” strongest association was the Conservative Association, because we were the party of youth, the party of opportunity, and the party of openness to the world.

We had the largest youth wing of any political party in Canada in the 1980s, particularly because we had the most progressive policies on environmental action. That’s why just about ten years ago, Brian Mulroney was voted the best

Prime Minister in Canadian history by environmental NGOs themselves.”

Reflecting on how the University of Toronto’s Campus Conservatives no longer have the support they once did, Chong remarks, “I think the party has changed a lot in the last 25 years, and we need to acknowledge that our party has a lot of work ahead of it. We need to do a better job as Conservatives of building support among younger people. One of my goals in my role as a Member of Parliament in the Conservative party is to build that part of our coalition. I want to rebuild our credibility on environmental issues and present credible policies to reduce emissions. I want people to see our party as one of hope and opportunities, the party that’s going to create jobs, the party that’s going to expand markets, and the party of younger Canadians, the party of new Canadians, the party of a much bigger, more diverse coalition.”

308 Members of Parliament and thus 308 different views on a variety of issues, so you do have to compromise to get things done. But on foundational issues you do have to take a stand and make your voice be heard.”

The importance of this issue for Chong is evident when one takes into account he was a founding member of the Dominion Institute. “After the 1995 referendum, which was an extremely close call, it felt like the only argument that politicians made in favour of unity was that it was better for the economy, but we felt there was a deeper argument than that to be made. In 1997, we decided to start the Dominion Institute to make the case for why Canada is held together. Canadians have built a society on the north half of this continent that

In November 2006, Michael Chong made headlines when he unexpectedly announced his resignation from his Cabinet post. He was serving as Minister of Intergovernmental Affairs, Minister of Sport, and President of the Queen’s Privy Council for Canada when he resigned as a means to express his opposition to a motion before the House of Commons put forward by Prime Minister Stephen Harper. This form of protest by a cabinet minister is unprecedented in recent memory. The motion recognized ‘the Quebecois as a nation within a united Canada,’ which Michael Chong is bound by history, that has been cresays “was a foundational issue for me.” ated by not an insignificant amount of bloodshed, that has created political in“I believe every Canadian citizen shares stitutions that have withstood centuries, a set of rights and responsibilities with and that is one of the beacons of hope in every other citizen in this land, and to this world. Canada is a place where peome the motion undermined that princi- ple from around the world have come ple. It said that certain groups of Cana- to build new lives. The ties that bind us dians could be privileged above others, together are based on our Constitution, and in an increasingly diverse and het- our Charter of Rights and Freedoms, erogeneous society I don’t think that’s our values, and our democratic way of the path forward.” life. We need to educate and inform the next generation about all this to ensure Chong understands that sometimes pol- we can continue to enjoy this country.” itics requires compromise. “We have

In May 2017, Chong ran for the leadership of the Conservative Party of Canada. His platform focused on re-building the party so it “does better on environmental issues, creates economic opportunities for everyone, reforms democratic institutions to strengthen the people’s voice, and broadens itself.”

He reiterates the need for the Party to appeal more to young people and new Canadians.

The majority of Conservatives were unable to accept his socially-moderate views. Thus, MP Chong placed fifth in the leadership election out of fourteen candidates. I believe the Conservative Party will come to regret this. His diverse experiences and compelling story make Chong a leader for the new age of Canadians. He has ties to rural Can-

ada as well as to immigrants. He holds strong family values and possesses a strong, historically-rooted understanding of the Canadian way. Finally, he exudes a confidence and charm, the likes of which only a Trinity alumnus can.

Remember the name Michael Chong, because I believe he will continue to make headlines in the future and make Trinity proud. He plans to seek re-election for his seat in the House of Commons in 2019 and wishes to continue pushing for change in the Conservative Party.

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Fractured Mosaic Part Two:

UN FOU ND ED FEA RS

By Aisha Ryan

The first time I had a genuine, emotional response to the words of a politician was in March of 2015. I walked into my kitchen in Ottawa and saw a newspaper clipping that my mother had stuck onto the fridge with a magnet. Most of the article had been cut off, and the paragraph that was there highlighted one quote from then Prime Minister Stephen Harper which read, “Why would Canadians, contrary to our own values, embrace a practice at that time that is not transparent, that is not open and, frankly, is rooted in a culture that is anti-women?” He was discussing the wearing of the burqa.

I was at first confused, and then upset by this quote. Although no living member of my family has worn — or currently wears — the niqab (the face covering that some Muslim women wear), some of my ancestors have, and it is without a doubt a hallmark of Muslim culture. Knowing what I did about Islam and Pakistani culture and Canadian values, the statement that Harper had made did not make any sense. I am first and foremost a Canadian, and I couldn’t understand why my Prime Minister was telling me that in order to be fully Canadian, I had to renounce the culture that was embedded in every fibre of my being — one that had borne many family members of whom I am incredibly proud.

My great-grandparents were known for their philanthropy.

Living in a country decimated by British imperial rule that had limited social services and no workers rights, they employed people on livable wages, regularly paid the medical bills of those that could not afford it, and paid for the children of their workers to go to school.

My grandmother was born in Pakistan (then India) in 1938. She is a poet, a painter, and an avid reader. She is university educated, she speaks five languages, and in her spare time she works with Global Affairs Canada to teach Canadian diplomats how to speak Urdu.

My grandfather was a philosophy professor in Paksitan.

When none of his higher education was accepted as valid in Canada in 1967, he re-did his graduate work and had a long career in the Department of Justice. In his retirement, he does extensive volunteering with and consulting on the plight of refugees today. He is a staunch feminist, a mental health advocate, and fiercely supports Indigenous rights. When he was the Deputy Superintendent of Ottawa’s detention centre he implemented every single one of the Elizabeth Fry Society’s recommendations, put forward to protect the rights of female inmates. It was the only detention centre in Ontario to do so. He is the most intelligent, well-read person I have ever met, and no one has encouraged my academic pursuits more than he.

My conception of Pakistani and Muslim culture was shaped by stories and experiences such as these. In my eyes, there is no way in which Canadian values are not compatible with the generosity and kindness that my grandparents brought with them from Pakistan. I saw no reason for my Prime Minister to believe

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that my cultural and Canadian identities couldn’t coexist. There was especially no need for these doubts to be publicized in the way that they were, alienating an entire demographic of the Canadian population.

This line of thinking was presumably put to bed when the Supreme Court of Canada struck down Harper’s “burqa ban,” in a decision that cited violations of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms as one of the reasons that it could not stand. More recently, the suppression of cultural and religious practices typically found in Muslim societies has re-emerged with Quebec’s Bill 62, which bans facial coverings such as the niqab. Bill 62 was supposedly passed in the name of religious neutrality; presumably, in the eyes of the relevant Quebecois policymakers, a religiously neutral society is the best kind of society. Typically, however, secularism is ensured in government in order to create a state that is open to all, and bills such as these have the opposite impact.

My grandparents were in one of the first waves of brownskinned immigrants to Canada, and upon their arrival, they faced immense racism — my grandmother had to remove her hijab in order to find a job. Their generation’s struggles are said to have paved the way for others to not have to make these sort of sacrifices in order to carve out their own place in Canadian society. With the contemporary rise of anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim rhetoric, however, the hate crimes and racism that ran rampant in Canada in the 1960s are making a comeback. Muslim women in Quebec are reporting a sharp increase in racist incidents since Bill 62 passed, ranging from comments uttered on sidewalks to physical assaults. When my grandfather started working in Canada he had his car vandalised, his office at work destroyed, hateful messages left for him, and his co-workers and subordinates both telling him to his face what they thought of his presence in Canada.

Today in sleepy Cumberland, a rural area just outside of Ottawa, my mosque has been vandalised, a bloody pig’s head was left on the stoop, and someone buried an axe in the roof of a car.

An unfounded fear of other ways of life and other cultures is leading to the kind of hatred that is frightful to many minorities living in Canada today. My grandparents moved to Canada to escape religious intolerance that is still rampant in Pakistan, but events such as the mosque shooting in Quebec City are sad reminders that even Canadians are not immune to the kinds of hatred and fear that we so often perceive as problems from which we are removed. Acts of subliminal and overt bigotry contribute to feelings of alienation that prohibit some from engaging in Canadian life to the fullest extent, and these acts cannot continue/escalate if we hope to continue our legacy of successful social integration of immigrants. We need unite to allow Canada to do what it does best — unite the cultures of our country into the mosaic of which we are so proud.

The Great Escape

By Kate Reeve

As the holidays (and your deadlines) approach, it is vital to have several coping mechanisms on hand. Both the stress of your assignments and the realization that soon you will once more be ensconced in the proverbial uterus of your family home for an extended period of time will begin to weigh on your consciousness. You might find yourself hurrying along Bloor Street in the dead of night (read: 5pm) searching for something — anything — to make you feel again. As your brain and body decay from lack of adequate nutrition, sleep, and emotional intimacy (or the imminent prospect thereof), I wholeheartedly endorse pulling an Obama and kiteboarding away from all the bullshit in your wake.

Are you tired of talking about that yet? Too bad, I’m not ever going to get over it. Who gives a shit about his questionable drone policies when that hot piece is floating over crystalline waters? However, the weather outside is disgustingly frightful, so marine sports are out. Also, let’s face it — you won’t look as sick as Obama did, anyway. How that man had time to cultivate such a physique and run a country is far beyond me, speaking as an individual who has been known to eat an entire box of peanut butter dipped granola bars in three-to-four minutes.

But anyway, back to escapism. Binge eating, though sometimes necessitated by the circumstances, is not always the most efficient strategy for avoiding your issues. Also, you don’t want to tire your jaws out too early in cuffing season. So, feats of aquatic athleticism and stomach expansion are both out. How else can you, the dirty-sweatpant-wearing-blank-eyed Trin student, ignore the things you should really be focusing on? Netflix? You can only re-watch the Office so many times before — gasp —— Jim and Pam lose their charm. Don’t do that to yourself. Put it away. In-

stagram explore page? Basic. Also, watching a pile of meat animate into a dude on a horse might be fun for a while but long term, you know the novelty will wear off.

Okay. I’m going to now suggest a radical thing. Brace yourself. Remove the spoonful of Nutella from your mouth (choking hazard). Put down that chunky expired Baileys. As any good slimy PR character on TV always says, the best way to avoid a problem is to hide it in new ones. So Trin, it’s time to pick up a goddamn book. For fun. Yeah. If you genuinely love political theory, read that. If you don’t, and are just trying to look smart in Strachan over your limp dumplings, go fuck yourself — and then march over to Bay and Bloor and pick up a copy of something light and entertaining (Ayn Rand, anyone?) and display that bodice-ripper proudly. Books are the ultimate escape that provide a literal different world designed for you to immerse yourself in. They also expand your vocabulary, give you something to talk about with weird extended family, can be used as a conversational shield, and yes, fine, are an underrated fall accessory.

It can be difficult to imagine reading voluntarily when you’re swamped with things that you “have” to read for “discussion” later or “class credit” or “an assignment”.

But, hear me out. You’re avoiding the thing you’re supposed to be doing...by doing the thing you’re supposed to be doing. That’s hot. This winter, Trin, stand out from the crowd. Display your dubious literacy with pride. Forget all the embarrassing stuff you did/do by diving right into someone else’s melodrama. Happy holidays, Trinity! Go in peace. Oh shit, sorry, I meant PES — procrastinate, escape, and self-medicate.

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Strachan Hacks

By Angela Gu

It’s the most wonderful time of the year?

Really? Could we be done with exams already? Is the winter break starting soon?

Well, you’ll know when eggnog starts showing up in the dessert fridge as a fun, sugar-loaded, milk-based option next to the usual milk alternatives.

Eggnog is the base of so many holiday drinks and one of the compounding factors that contributed to my freshman fifteen, sophomore sixteen, and this year, my junior-year jillion-pound gain. My body is ready.

I’m just kidding about freshman fifteen — it’s easy to maintain an equilibrium by cutting out calories elsewhere to allow for indulgences. There’s no need to sacrifice taste either! I will be starting with some healthy alternatives to offset all the holiday sweets. The eggnog recipes will follow. There are so many things that can be done with this creamy concoction.

Disclaimer: I am not a nutritionist or registered dietician — follow my health advice at your own risk. Look up how many calories are needed to maintain a healthy lifestyle at your age and activity level, and consult your GP. Don’t sue me. I just like to eat good food and drink aesthetically pleasing drinks.

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Salsa Salad Enjoy the taco taste all while feeling virtuous, like you’re some kind of Gwyneth Paltrow goop-esque magician. This can be made when there are tacos or nachos at the Showtime station.

Instructions: 1. Build your base with salad leaves. Lots of fiber and lots of necessary vitamins.

Spinach is high in magnesium and will make you less sad (or at least combat the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder).

2.Top with beans and cottage cheese from the salad bar. These have lots of protein that will keep you full. Say no to fake cheese. That’s the wrong kind of goop.

3. Add salsa — so much flavour! Tomatoes are good for you, right?

4. Be careful with the guacamole — that stuff can be addictive.

5. Optional: If you’re craving more flavour, add some jalapenos, and maybe some hot sauce, too. Olives can be fun, too, with all their healthy fats. Corn kernels add a bit of sweetness, as do fresh baby tomatoes.

6. Crush a taco shell (or some nachos) and sprinkle on top for variation in texture.

Ta-da! You now have a taco-flavoured salad.

Young Barley Powder Milk (or as I like to call it: ~Magical~ Green Drink) This has absolutely no magic nor health benefit that I know of, but it looks pure and guiltless. It tastes better than nasty green juice, and it is definitely not as mainstream or basic as matcha lattes. It’s aesthetically pleasing in any kind of clear drinking vessel, especially a mason jar. This should be consumed alongside a healthy, balanced breakfast.

Instructions: 1. Buy some young barley powder on Amazon. They come in packs of single-serving sachets, and some brands are also eligible for Prime shipping.

Cracker Substitutes You haven’t had enough of Strachan’s zucchini bread?

How about switching out your crackers with zucchini slices? They’re totally fine as long as you mask the taste; zucchini pairs well with peanut butter. Celery sticks and carrots are also perfect vehicles for dips like hummus, but of course those are no-brainers.

You can make really pretty pink hummus by blending it with some beet cubes from the salad bar. Good luck cleaning the blender. You have been warned. Oh, and remember: moderation is key. Hummus overdoses are probably not fatal, but I would not recommend it.

2. Remember to bring to breakfast. Blend with some milk. Add yogurt if you want some probiotics.

For a seemingly-healthy dessert, blend with some milk and ice cream, but you didn’t hear this from me.

No one has to know. The green colour will deceive everyone.

3. Pour into your drinking vessel, and take a photo (or boomerang) to post on Instagram. Or put it on Snapchat. Or Instagram story it. Does anyone even use Facebook stories? Share it everywhere. Write a LinkedIn post about your regimented morning routines that involve wholesome green drinks, sunrise runs, and mindfulness journal entries. Share your niche green drink on every social media platform you can think of. Did you really drink a glass full of green liquid if no one saw it?

Eggnog Everywhere Such health, much virtue, wow. Time for the sinfulness that is eggnog. It’s totally not necessary for physical well-being, but I can make the argument that it supports spiritual well-being. My advice for eggnog?

Put it in everything in place of milk.

Making a cup of coffee? Add eggnog.

Making hot chocolate? Dissolve the cocoa mix in hot water. Leave room for eggnog.

Making a milkshake? Blend eggnog with your ice cream.

Drinking milk? Fill half the glass with milk, half the glass with eggnog.

Eggnog, eggnog, eggnog.

Enjoy!

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Isaac’s Cookbook: Fire Roasted Wild Squirrel

By Isaac Wright Friends! Acquaintances! Sworn enemies! It is your friendly Male Martha Stewart of College here with a fresh take on a classic; free range squirrel.

As I sit in my fireplace room, dreading the long walk down to Strachan, my mind and body grow weary. It is in these winter months, when my window has frozen shut, that I contemplate more drastic measures of sustenance. The colder the weather gets, the harder the journey to Strachan. I can practically feel my BMI moving from ‘overweight’ to ‘heavy’ as each minute without Strachan’s food goes by. Something has to change.

I decide that I must abandon my previous disdain for the ‘organic,’ ‘free range,’ ‘grass fed,’ ‘NATURAL’ food movement, and hop onto the bandwagon. This issue’s recipe will surely be one that we can all relate to, the desire to kill and eat one of Toronto’s favourite pests: the squirrel. I must add as a caveat that you do need a fireplace room. If you do not have one of these, as currently they are occupied by the collective male WASP Members of College (and Amr) I would suggest you befriend one of us, or use the communal fireplaces in Strachan Hall or the JCR. These communal fireplaces are provided to us specifically for cooking small game, and do not let Paula, Janet,

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or any administrators tell you otherwise. Access to a wood burning fireplace is the one aspect in which Trinity holds the highest standard for accessibility.

ply wait for the squirrel to jump for the nuts.

3. Name the Squirrel: Depends on personality. I have had Glen, Rupert, Landon, and Eugene. For ease of You will need a few tools to get this use I will call this squirrel ‘Bardia done, but it is nothing you cannot Monavari’. get done for yourself. Firstly, please have your Grandfather (it helps if he 4. Kill Bardia Monavari: Gravity is a farmer named Bruce) weld you will do this for you when he lands on up a small grill that can fit into your the paper, at which point he will fall fireplace. Secondly, you will need through the paper to his demise on some rope, butter, and some herbs. the steps of Provost Welch House.

You will also need a few nuts as bait.

5. Skin and Gut Bardia Monavari: 1. Start a fire: Get a good fire going This part is quite obvious so I will so that by the time you have caught not waste time with details. and prepared your squirrel it will be a bed of hot coals. Perfect for roast- 6. Season Bardia Monavari: Coat liberally with butter, then stuff with ing. fresh herbs. Place remaining butter 2. Catch the Squirrel: take the afore- deep inside Bardia. mentioned nuts and place them on a thin sheet of paper which you have 7. Roast Bardia Monavari: Place on balanced on two lengths of string grill and roast until light brown and tied from a tree to your window. If cooked through. Turn often so that you cannot get up the tree yourself, Mr. Monavari does not cook unhave a first year do it. Now you sim- evenly.

8. Eat Bardia Monavari: Carve and serve with some sort of gratin and a nice baguette.

Happy hunting!

Xoxo

Your Millennial Male-Martha Stewart, Isaac B.

Craftmas Time is Here

By Madeline Keizer

Do exams have you feeling drained of any sort of merriment this holiday season? Well, it’s time to wipe away those tears, crank some Michael Buble tunes, and get crafting! Yes, crafting! Now, don’t run away yet, because despite the fact that this may seem like a lot of extra effort that you’re physically not able to commit to at this point, I promise I’ll take you on a DIY journey that will bring the light back into your life. Literally! Because that’s right ladies and gents, I’m going to show you how to make Holiday/Trinity themed desklantern-candle-thingys (that’s the official name - the copyright is pending) that will hopefully serve as a beacon of hope, and remind you that winter break is just around the corner!

Plus, it’s nice to throw in a bit of Trinity pride with your room decor—because it’s not like we’re self-involved enough as it is.

When I first designed this artistic innovation in my head, I imagined one side of the lantern sporting “Trinity” like the Trin Athletics sweater. Upon doing some research, I discovered that if you write Trinity in black, bolded, Times New Roman font, it looks pretty much exactly the same!

Thank the Lord, because I was running out of ideas and artistic ability. I mean, I thought about using the Trinity crest, but I have a hard-enough time maintaining the patience necessary to trace a single letter.

then place it at the bottom of your mason jar. This creates a little holder for your candle. But wait! Don’t put the candle in yet! Take your sparkly fabric (I used little sheer gift bags) and cut into a bunch of little triangles. Slide these triangles between the tissue paper and the glass. Once that’s done, you’re probably starting to lose motivation and itching to get back to Netflix, so just plop in the candle and sprinkle the remaining triangles wherever.

Step Four: Finish off your masterpiece with a nice piece of festive ribbon and a big ‘ole bow!

Type “Trinity” into a word document and make sure you leave some spaces between So, let’s start with some materials you’ll letters, so it won’t appear need for this magical creation: squished (ie. T R I N I T Y).

Also, be sure to make the font • A Mason Jar (preferably one of the many size fairly large. Once you’ve got everything oriented the festive ones you can find at Dollarama) way you want, print it off and • Christmas Organza Gift Bags from Dolcut out the entire word, mainlarama (or some sort of otherwise sparkly taining at least a centimetre material) of white space on each side around the letters. Now take • Red Tissue Paper this strip of paper and stick it • An Electric Candle onto the inside of the mason • Red, Green or Silver Ribbon (I personally jar with washi tape, ensuring used green) the word “Trinity” is facing • A Black Sharpie outwards. From here, pull out your black Wow! After such a harrowing twenty minsharpie and trace onto the glass. utes we finally made it! And within that • Printer Paper time, you’ve probably been more pro• A Printer Step Two: ductive than you’ve been the entire week.

• Washi Tape Trace on some holiday imagery. I person- Congratulations! Now you can brag about ally chose to jazz mine up with some spar- your creative pursuits to your roommate, Step One: kles (‘cause why not). Remove your make- gift your candle to a loved one, or possibly Since the Holidays are wonderfully sapshift stencil and the tape. Do your final take an artsy photo of it to post on Inspy to begin with, I figured why not create external touch-ups, and then let it dry for tagram (because that was really the main something in the same vein and have the a few minutes before moving on. incentive in the first place). And with that, lantern also be a Trinity keepsake! Beyou can return to work with a new vitality cause, obviously, this lantern is so whimStep Three: for life! My gift to you this holisical and fun it will become one of your Grab some tissue paper and twist it around day season. Enjoy! most prized pieces of university nostalgia. itself tightly. Tie the two ends together

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Mary and Me Chapter 2: The Nightmare Before Christmas The fictitious sexual exploits of EIGHT Year best friends, Mary and Thomas. Stories are sometimes from Tom, sometimes from Mary, and often exaggerated. Don’t forget kiddos, no matter what you’re doing, ASK FIRST. We sit down at the table, awkwardly. I almost miss my chair, and then make a scraping noise that everyone can hear as I try getting closer to the table. My date is already checking their phone.

“I hear the wine menu is pretty good here,” they say, attempting to engage in conversation. I think I grunt back, but am unsure whether or not I was audible.

high school. My heart skipped a beat. Seeing how cute they still were, I decided to ditch the old flame and scheme a way to nonchalantly bump into them under the mistletoe.

My date starts fake coughing. I look up, and the waiter is staring at me.

“Huh?”

“I do love wine!” I manage to mumble out.

“What would you like to order?”

I get a strange look. Luckily, our waiter comes by and saves me with the specials and the bread basket. I realize too late that I’ve missed hearing about the specials, and that the bread basket is already half-empty. I really should stop eating so much bread. The waiter brings a bottle of wine to the table. I assume that my date ordered it while I was eating.

“I like pizza!” I say. The waiter gives me a puzzled look and walks away.

“I prefer Chardonnay,” I say. I realize I’ve hurt my date’s feelings — they look rather upset that I didn’t enjoy their pick.

We are quickly running out of conversation topics, so I slyly check my “Convo topics” notes tab on my phone. “Holiday break” is the next thing on my list.

“Any plans for the holidays?” I ask. They start telling a story, and I start daydreaming.

I remember the time, a few Christmases ago, when an old high school flame came back to town. He invited me to a friend’s house party, where I quickly realized I was the only one there who didn’t go to Queens. I stood in the corner of the living room, not knowing what an ARC was, and trying to figure out what Gaels were. My old flame offered me a bottle of candy cane vodka. “I stole this from my parents,” they said with pride. It was definitely around Christmas.

As I felt the candy cane flavoured anti-freeze run through me, I caught a glimpse of my crush from

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My date starts telling a story about their family trip to the Amalfi Coast. I’m bored again.

I remember seeing my high school crush leaning against the door frame, close to the mistletoe. I slowly walked over. In my mind, I imagined that I looked really hot. Friends later showed me the snapchat video. I was drunk out of my mind, stumbling.

“How do you like Queens?” I asked, as I physically pushed away who they were talking to. I didn’t get a response. I felt a tidal wave of peppermint coming up my throat, and a candy cane-coloured stream came pouring out, covering the hottie with something that wasn’t quite cute.

I snort at the memory, laughing at how embarrassing I was before I could handle my liquor.

“What’s so funny about that?” my date asks, with a look of unease on their face. They must have been talking about something serious.

Our food arrives, and I’m saved.

The Twelve (or More) Drinks of Christmas

By Alex McKeever

‘Tis the season to be jolly, and how better to jollify than by sharing a drink with you friends and family? Of course, with so much love and warmth in our hearts (or lack thereof) it is only natural that we indulge the inclination to fill ourselves with a comparable amount of warming refreshments. Eggnog, cider, mulled wine, peppermint vodka, whatever your poison — one rarely feels quite so jovial, fraternal, and goddamn merry as when you have a lot of it. But there’s always a catch; even Christmas cheer has a limit beyond which it’s downright unpleasant. Drink too enthusiastically, and you could find yourself with coal in your stocking. And Santa doesn’t visit Mt. Sinai. So here are some tips and tricks to help keep your composure when moderation is not a reasonable expectation.

Some ground rules that shouldn’t have to be said but will be said anyway. First, don’t drink and drive. Have someone sober around who won’t leave you in a puddle of puke. If you plan on being outside, dress appropriately. Use a shot glass or equivalent so you know how much you’re drinking at a time, don’t eyeball it with hard stuff (especially important with mixed drinks where you can’t taste the alcohol). On the topic of mixing, avoid heavy amounts of caffeine – this will cloud your perception of intoxication. Finally, have a rough idea of your personal limit, and know when you need to stop.

Now, first tip beyond basics: be wary of drinks you’ve never had. As much as experimentation is a beautiful thing, people have all sorts of unique reactions to different drinks and you don’t want to be caught off guard. That is, if you are trying something new (and I’m talking about the alcoholic component, the mix is mostly irrelevant) do not go overboard and try to have it earlier rather than later in the night (or day, no judgment). Drink a reasonable amount and give it some time to hit. Even if the impact isn’t too heavy, continue pacing yourself in case this isn’t a linear relation.

Let’s shimmy with this segue and dive into pacing. This is neither an exact science nor a refined art, but it’s still possible to work out on an individual level. The point of pacing, at least as I see it, is to glide into a state of inebriation with comfort and control. With variation between people and between drinks, it is generally the case that alcohol kicks in with peak effect around thirty minutes after consumption. With this basis, some might recommend you wait thirty minutes between consecutive drinks. Decide for yourself based on your own tolerance whether that is too limiting. Do note your physical state going in, because sleep and nutrition will affect your experience.

One thing that I do recommend is working in food and non-alcoholic filler drinks between booze. This will give you a chance to let things sink in and to reflect, and decide whether you should slow it down a bit. There is a peak region and you want to ride it, not topple over it. When you get there, take it very easy and make sure not to embark on any adventures, because you won’t come back on your own.

Finally, practice makes perfect. The more experiences you have with hefty drinking, the more you’ll know how you’ll react to it, and the better you’ll be able to gage where you are along the way. Build up a reasonable tolerance and form good habits. Don’t binge drink, but also don’t find yourself dead sober when grandpa wants to relive his hazy nights in ‘Nam with you. Life is filled with learning opportunities, and in this there is no exception to be made – learn your body and its responses. I am not a doctor, or a reliable reference for personal health by any stretch of the imagination, but it should be obvious that you are responsible for your personal health and that does come first. Odds are, you will find yourself in the situation of a holiday bender more than once during your undergraduate career, and there is a general approach to doing it right.

These are just my two pints.

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WINTER TO-DO Guide to the City Vo l u m e

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By Allegra Wisenfeld Winter can admittedly be kind of a bummer in the city. The slush-factor is high, it’s dark out starting at lunchtime, and you’re still expected to trek it to class during a snowstorm.

This is a time where hobbiting rates increase exponentially and hibernation seems inevitable. When you’re on your way to tutorial and are swept away in a storm of Canada Goose puffers, it’s hard to see the positives of a 416 winter ¬– but there are upsides! Bulk Barn stocks seasonal candy cane OMGs, Longer Winter is up and running for your hipster enjoyment, and when the temperature drops below 0, it magically becomes acceptable to wear a blanket around and say it’s a scarf. Here are some snowy tips to survive n thrive through the worst of the pre-Conversat blues and get into the Canadian spirit in the city everywhere else in Canada hates. Take back the winter, we are the north, etc. etc.

On A Student Budget in the Snow…

Remember those blissful childhood days of carefree tobogganing, before tutorials and iClicker quizzes took over your life? Well, it’s time to recapture some of your fading youth — and this time you don’t have a parent insisting you wear a full snowsuit! Dollarama sledding saucers + Christie Pitt slopes = the funnest day you will ever have. Wait for a snowy day, round up a group of parka-clad peers, and have at it.

Bundle up for a walk through High Park to get some scenic ‘grams of the snow-covered trees and frozen waters. Walking is always free, holla. If this seems too far away from Trinity and you find yourself experiencing separation anxiety, don’t even worry — there are enough basic couples taking engagement shots that you’ll be spiritually transported right back to the quad.

Alternatively, sit inside your dorm room eating the stash of Strachan cookies you swiped from under Paula’s nose and do nothing all day.

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Winter on a Baller’s Budget…

Fork out the cash for a ticket to the National Ballet’s Winter’s Tale, Sleeping Beauty, or The Nutcracker.

Don’t even take advantage of the $15 student matinees; go all in for those front row views.

Winterlicious deals? Who cares! With enough cash, there’s no need to rely on the crazy deals the prix fixe menus offer at basically every restaurant in the 6ix. Go bold and get the $150 Diamond Platter at The Chase, because you and your fur-lined Sperry’s deserve it.

For the Best Hot Chocolate…

When it comes to chocolat chaud in Toronto, there are really only two options: straight-up pure melted chocolate injected into your veins or the spiked shit.

If the former is what you’re vibing, head to either SOMA Chocolate for a shot of dark-choco-chili goodness, or Cacao70 (pronounced ka-cow-soixante-dix, not coco-seventy — get it right, kids) for their infamously rich drinking chocolate. ChocoSol Traders has the vegan market covered, with flavors from Dark Side of the Moon to Roasted Hazelnut drinking chocolate guaranteed to leave you in a coma of decadence.

If you want to get turnt on sweetness, the hot chocolate at C’est What? comes with a peppermint schnapps kick that’ll get any lightweight going. Why opt for a Jager Bomb when the sugar rush you get from an alcoholic hot cocoa will have the same effect?

For a Date Night Extraordinaire…

While debatably the most cliché itinerary for a Toronto winter date, this formula is tried and true, and pretty much the best this slushy town has to offer to wow your Conversat date…

Hit up a $38 Winterlicious dinner location, because as Goldilocks said, you don’t want to look like a cheapo or a snob, so choose that just right option. Always get the second most expensive bottle of wine, amiright? Honestly though, take a risk and try somewhere you’d never normally go to, because when else will you get the chance before you bag that consulting job during September recruiting?

Go skating at Nathan Phillips Square. For a fun game, pretend you’re Tanya Harding and hit passerby skaters in the knee. Word of warning: if you can’t skate, wear butt padding.

Wander through the Distillery District’s annual Christmas Market, and admire the fairy lights that look way better than the weak Urban Outfitters ones you tried to tape up around your bed. What’s a better way to end a date than riding the Ferris wheel, tasting some overpriced but extremely creamy fudge, and sitting on Santa’s lap to ask him for a 4.0?

Three Beautiful Christmas Traditions in Toronto

By Julianne De Gara It’s that time of year again. Every student at the University of Toronto is torn between dancing on tabletops to Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas is You” and crying over imminent midterms and final papers. Well, fear not, UofTears, because there is always a happy medium between the two, which, in my opinion, means taking frequent breaks—-- breaks to go on adventures! Here, we have my favourite Christmas activities in Toronto, as well as a little history lesson for each of them.

The Toronto Christmas Market

Undeniably, this is a classic for the Christmas season; the lights, the carolers, the giant Christmas trees, all perfect for that Instagram shot. What you may not know about the Distillery District’s market is that though it only began eight years ago, it is modelled after German markets, particularly one held in Dresden, beginning in 1434. Moreover, the Distillery itself was designed after 19th century gothic architecture, adding to the quaint, historical vibe.

The district itself is rich with immigrant history; in 1832, a 22-metre windmill was built on the edge of the Toronto bay, becoming a symbol of the young city. So when you walk through the market, apple cider in hand and lights shining all around, remember the beautiful history of both our city.

The Cavalcade of Lights

Each year, at Nathan Phillips Square, the official City of Toronto tree is lit in a glorious festival of lights. This tradition, which will occurs in late November, has been a part of the Toronto Christmas traditions since 1967— making this year its 51st anniversary! Even more impressive is the fact that the 15- to 28- metre– tall tree is real, selected a year in advance and taking up to five hours to put in place. Best of all, all of the festivities— including skating, fireworks, and live musical performances— are free! Though the actual lighting of the tree has passed now, the Christmas tree remains standing until January, and skating is always available in Nathan Phillips square!

Hudson’s Bay Christmas Windows

Every Christmas, the Hudson’s Bay, partnered with Saks Fifth Avenue, reveals new and fantastical window displays for the holiday season. Though there is no exact date as to when this tradition began, any Torontonian of any age can tell you tales of marveling at the displays on Queen Street. This year, on November 2nd, the Bay presented eleven new window displays, with themes ranging from Santa’s Magic to Winter Woodlands, while Saks partnered with Disney, celebrating the 80th anniversary of Snow White and the 7 Dwarves. So relive the magic of your childhood and make sure to admire the beautiful displays, from now until January, at the Bay and Saks right across from the Eaton Centre.

So what are you waiting for? Stop reading this article and go enjoy the beautiful, historical Christmas that Toronto has to offer. I promise, UofTears will still be here when you get back.

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First Year Fashionistas Tips and Tricks for the Holiday Season

We usually dub first years as the fashionista newbies. I mean, it takes practice to look flawless at every holiday party throughout the winter months. Two re-wears and one shortened prom dress later, and us 4th years have finally gotten the hang of it. Yet, somewhere amid the rumours that there’d be no soirée in sight, our first years made the fashion statement of the semester. In true Trinity style, froshies whipped up their fanciest looks in the blink of an eye, flaunting the classiest tips and tricks for that perfect winter holiday look. No buttery party? No problem.

This class can afford to skip the warm up events and dive right into the formal frenzy of the holiday season, mastering the best and boldest getups that winter festivities have to offer.

For the Black–Tie Babes Tip: Anyone can rock an LBD, but it takes a true pro to transform one from basic to a statement piece. Switch out your pumps for stilettos with a twist, and upgrade your garment with lace or a waist belt. Personalizing a closet staple is the perfect way to modernize a timeless look, which will always slay at a black-tie soirée.

Trick: Every time you go outside, pretend to shiver so a stud will give up his blazer. Then, when dashing from pre to party, you can maintain your chic look without dragging out the parka. Works every time!

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For the Classy Cocktailers Tip: The winter holidays are the prime time to vamp up your semi-formal look. Stay on theme with a seasonal event and explore playful sartorial lines and patterns. Warm colours emanate a natural glow that makes heads turn, and elegant cuts make you stand out in a crowd.

Trick: Black stockings can always neutralize a bold, pattern-based look. If you’re searching for that fine line between a classy statement and avant-garde, neutral-toned tights are the perfect fix.

For the Festive Flirts Tip: If planned accordingly, a jacket can add a final sparkle to your holiday ensemble.

These ladies perfected chic outerwear like Hollywood stars, embracing cold weather the only way a fashionista knows how: champagne, fur coats, and more champagne.

Trick: Beyond keeping you warm in style, a chic coat is also useful for storing a few party favours in your pockets. Whip out some sparklers and party horns to be the social butterflies of the party, and catch everyone’s attention as the fun and flirtatious flock on the guest-list.

So while I want to say we’ve taught these first years well, this fashion win is all on them. Could autumn’s cancelled events be a blessing in disguise? Would we have saved our reputations formal wear from sweat stains and spills had this been our first year?

Event or no event, true Trinity students will take any opportunity to flaunt their formal wear – and hey, with the promise of less alcohol this year, they may actually make it to the venue in time to show it off.

Your Non-Syllabus

Reading List

By Sabryna Ekstein

Whether it’s summer break, reading week, or winter break, my favourite thing to do is to read books — specifically those that are not on a syllabus. Throughout the year I keep a list on my bulletin board of books I want to read (which currently has 65 titles on it), and follow Instagram accounts like @ thebookshelfofachampagnechild and @booksonthesubway for regular recommendations. Needless to say, I’m ready to get my reading on.

In this issue you’ll find five books that are ready to join you beside a fireplace, follow you while you travel back home, or be your post exam treat. And because December can be a frosty month, you’ll find drink recommendations to go with each.

Cheers!

1. “All Stories Are Love Stories,” Elizabeth Percer (2016) The holidays season is the time is you find yourself often surrounded by loved ones. This novel follows main characters on Valentine’s Day when two earthquakes hit San Francisco.

The story’s descriptions of devastation and worry leave the readers haunted. The most captivating scenes of the novel take place between Max and Vashti, old flames, who are trapped in a collapsed building together.

Drink: White hot chocolate. Vashti is a baker, and the novel deserves to be paired with something sweet — especially during scenes involving baked goods.

2. “The Animators,” Kayla Rae Whitaker (2017) The novel starts during Mel and Sharon’s first year at university and follows them until their partnership ends. Together, these two make a dynamic pair of animators, who create art inspired by their life journeys. Mel’s character is brash, loud-spoken, and controlling, and because of her I could not put this book down. One does not need to be into animation to feel connected with Mel and Sharon. Regardless, the book will leave you feeling as if you were gutted (especially the scene in prison… once you read the book you’ll understand).

Drink: Scotch, preferably strong and not watered down.

3. “Everyone Brave is Forgiven,” Chris Cleave (2016) Taking place in England and Malta during World War II, this novel revolves around the lives of three young adults and how they are affected by the war. Juxtaposing the battlefield and the elementary classroom, Cleave gives readers a war story they

haven’t heard before. I’ve passed this book to many of my friends and loved ones, as I found it to be a particularly moving read.

Drink: Tea (and have some jam nearby…you’ll understand once you’ve read the book).

4. “Final Girls,” Riley Sager (2017) We’ve needed another thriller since Gillian Flynn’s 2014 novel, Gone Girl, and this novel is ready to fill that gap. A final girl is the only surviving female in a mass murder. In this book, that girl is Quincy. Throughout this novel, you’ll also be introduced to two other final girls: Lisa and Sam. When Lisa dies, Sam demands that she and Quincy figure out what really happened.

Everyone in this novel is not who they seem to be, and when you read the ending, you’ll be left wondering how you didn’t see that from the beginning.

Drink: Grape Soda (Quincy’s drink of choice), but if you’re looking for something a little more festive try warm apple cider.

5. “The Refugees,” Viet Thanh Nguyen (2017) A collection of short stories following the lives of those involved with the Vietnam War — both directly and indirectly. Taking place in both the United States and Vietnam, this novel explores the idea of home and dreams, two themes bound together in the American Dream. This collection shines a light on how one’s life can be completely altered by a devastating war. Captivating and well written, this collection of stories will stay with you, and the characters will be at the forefront of your mind as you read the daily headlines.

Drink: As this book needs your full attention, I suggest something simple, such as a coffee or nice wine.

A Holiday Movie Guide:

TRIN EDITION

by Emily Larman The holidays are both a celebrated and dreaded time year. While they can evoke a sense of joy, and bring families together, they can also be representative of consumer culture, and a reminder of your incessant loneliness. Cynicism aside, the perfect holiday night can consist of a little hot chocolate spiked with Bailey’s, no deadlines, and just the right movie. Herein lies a quintessential holiday movie guide for every emotion you are bound to feel this season.

and free-wheeling personality, which ends up having the opposite effect. Laird is conceivably an icon for the average private-schooled Trinity student, who thinks it is appropriate to start crying over dirt on their Yeezy’s in front of their girlfriend’s parents. Ultimately, this movie makes you realize what you have to be grateful for.

For when you realize you won’t be living in a dorm for the next few weeks: Home Alone, both literally and figuratively, will make For when you find yourself missing your Trin bae: you appreciate having your own space, but also the beThe Holiday, directed by Nancy Meyers, and starring ing around the presence of those you love over the holCameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law and Jack Black, idays. Kevin (Macaulay Culkin), is accidentally left at is about two lonely women who decide to swap houses home when his family goes on a vacation over Christover Christmas. One goes to Los Angeles while the oth- mas, and has to singlehandedly defend the house from er travels to Surrey, England, and both encounter ro- a robbery. Home Alone is as much about empowerment mance halfway around the world from their respective and independence as it is about valuing family. So when homes. The Holiday is ultimate holiday rom-com if you you are tired of getting drunk at family functions and find yourself missing your Trin significant other who listening to your uncle drone on about fluctuations in resides on the better coast (west). his stock portfolio, at least be thankful that you are not Kevin.

For when you’re tired of being responsible: Elf, perhaps the most beloved Christmas film of our For when you’re missing your Buttery parties: generation, stars Will Ferrell and tells the story of an Play the Love Actually drinking game. Every time you outcast elf who travels to New York and has trouble hear the words “wank,” “bugger,” “piss,” “bollocks,” or being responsible, as one could say. Buddy the Elf is “bloody,” take a sip or a shot of your drink, depending caught up in the social norms of the North Pole, which on how ambitious you want to be. This movie, one of do not correspond to the real world in New York. Trini- the most universally celebrated holiday rom-coms, is a ty students may see ourselves in Buddy, as we find it in- series of nine intertwined storylines pertaining to love creasingly difficult to integrate beyond our elitist bubble in some manner. Though it may make you wallow in of pseudo-intellectualism. This movie reigns as a classic your loneliness or make you miss bae, I can guarantee comedy that can inspire mischief in all of us. that it will leave you filled with the essence of what the holidays are all about: warmth, happiness, love, and just For when finals are over and you need comic relief: the right amount of peppermint schnapps.

Why Him? stars Zoey Deutch as Stephanie and James Franco as Laird, Stephanie’s eccentric boyfriend with whom her family comes to stay over the holidays in California. In his attempts to impress Stephanie’s parents, Laird performs various feats, showcasing his unfiltered

23

P hil

YOUR STOCKINGS Written by Phil Schwartz

While the holidays are a time to reunite and celebrate with friends and family, it can be a very stressful time for those looking to find the right gift for the right person.

Below is a list of people you might find on your gift list, as well as some thoughtful suggestions of what you can get them this holiday season.

• gay for gaia • gifts: a defaced collage of Stephen Harper photos, a pledge to go vegetarian for a month, ethical soap to encourage proper hygiene, essential oils to cleanse their aura and eliminate toxins

your big daddy • tough love • pays the bills • loves you even though you two haven’t spoken in the past four weeks • gives great hugs • gifts: four minutes of your sincere attention, a pair of cufflinks, a nice Patagonia fleece, a quilted vest, or a ball cap to cover their receding hairline

your fashion friend • wears high-waisted pants • is not like other girls • loves Paris, both the city and the Hilton • has an intense facial regimen • always looks dewy • gets fucked up easily • gifts: detox juices from Fresh or Greenhouse Juicery, or Avène’s Eau Thermale so they always stay fresh

your engineering friend • you either met them in high school or frosh week and don’t know where they’ve gone since • talks about how hard engineering is whenever you bump into them your alternative friend • never has time to do anything, unless it • loves poetry, but shits on Rupi Kaur involves engineers and beer • lives for the authenticity of vintage vinyl and film • owns a PC • knew that band before you • gifts: their fave zine, a Phaidon book of their favourite artist • gifts: any form of social interaction beor movement, the latest Apartamento magazine, a roll of ISO yond the grocery store checkout...truly, that’s it 400 35mm film

your foodie friend • perpetually late • not only enjoys eating gourmet, but cooks it too your bookworm friend • seeing them always involves food • practices calligraphy as procrastination • wears black turtlenecks • drinks tequila out of their monogrammed mug • invests in good tableware • romanticizes about wartime • has dressed as a Harry Potter character for Halloween since gifts: Williams-Sonoma apron, olive oil from The Spice Trader, Bouchon by Thomas Keller 2001 • gifts: Muji pens and a Moleskine notebook for writing your gossipy friend bad poetry, a Voluspa candle, a jade plant, another mono• starts every other sentence with grammed mug, an HBC blanket ‘I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but…’ your drama friend • goes to events only to see drama • wakes up to show tunes unfold • studies to show tunes • refuses to admit they’re a gossip • parties to show tunes • cooking experience limited to stir• their entire life is a musical ring the pot • occasionally overlaps with ‘your gossipy friend’ • gifts: a teapot or infuser for brew• gifts: tickets to a show they’ll like at Soulpepper Theatre, a ing, Kusmi Detox Tea for cleanslist of compliments to fuel their inflated, yet fragile, ego ing, a DropBox folder to store your group chat’s screenshots your ecofeminist friend • “vegetarian,” but eats chicken shawarma when drunk • showers infrequently, but always smells of pa- your jaded fourth-year friend • suffers from Trinity College Stockholm syndrome tchouli • can’t get enough • hates chips • wants to be invited to events only to decline • seems holistic, but isn’t • “I’m too old for this shit”

24

• gifts: a pat on the back and a Strachan cookie your law-school-bound friend • feels comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life • subscribes to too many news alerts • schedules everything in their calendar, including personal hygiene • UofT Pre-Law Exec • gifts: all the LinkedIn endorsements, an autograph from a Suits cast member, next year’s Moleskine planner, a fountain pen, a bedazzled Snap Cup full of Xanax your lil momma • never leaves the house without snacks • extremely loyal • 10 p.m. bedtime • always on-the-go • guilty pleasures are BBT and Matt Damon • gifts: a yoga mat to meditate on after dealing with your shit for the past 20-some years, a milk frother for lattés, a walking chocolate tour of Trinity Bellwoods, a call every now and then your LIT friend • only drinks on Wednesdays • only funny on Wednesdays • “It’s the oldest debating society in Canada” • gifts: “How to Be a Functional Alcoholic for Dummies,” a sense of humour, and a list your med-school-bound friend • disappeared off the face of the earth after second year • only interacts with you on social media, but still uses you as a reference for their med-school application • extremely hard-working • signs up for every extra-curricular while taking six courses, doing research, and somehow finding time to exercise • gifts: a bucket of chocolate-covered espresso beans, a voucher for a massage, an audio recording of how great they are and what you love about them for when the MCAT anxiety hits your meme kween friend • openly loves Carly Rae • you know when they go to brunch • knows every facet of pop culture since they were conceived • buys concert tickets over a year in advance • multiple Instagram accounts • gifts: Tickets to anything, from the latest Oscar-nominated movie to a drag show to Second City. Otherwise, an Instax Mini, a Bianca del Rio votive candle, or Solange’s 2008 album your ~sophisticated~ friend • owns too many work clothes • pretends to know shit about wine • poops to Beethoven’s 5th • goes to the opera just for the ‘gram • blacks out more than they let on • subscribed to The New Yorker for the free tote • gifts: a reality check, a triple Americano black, an issue of Monocle magazine your sad-boy/girlTM friend • more obsessed with social media than they care to admit • grainy zoom aesthetic

• talks openly about their mental health • normcore • doesn’t just smoke socially • secret softie with a big heart n bigger booty • gifts: a pack of Marlboros and a bottle of Jack, Anti-Social Social Club memorabilia, and a heartfelt card about how much they mean to you, with an old film photo of the two of you high af last summer your social-climbing first-year friend • exaggerates minimal interactions with upper years • shows up to parties uninvited • tries to sit at the fourth-year table • gifts: a slap in the face and a realization that they should make real friends in their year

your sporty friend • chases vodka with Gatorade • considers sweatpants and sports jerseys acceptable everyday attire • masc or sexually repressed?

• uncomfortably sexual in public • always talks to you about the gym even though you don’t give a shit about the gym • always injured • gifts: Aside from exercise clothes, protein powder, or talcum powder, I can’t think of anything other than introducing them to interests other than sports. Oh, and balls in case they’re missing theirs your traveller friend • “wanderlust” • self-identified free spirit • you never know in what part of the world they are • fear of commitment • constantly posts photos from that one trip they went on last summer • gifts: a new neck scarf to replace the one they lost in Monaco, a selfie stick, Monocle Travel Guides for their next adventure your Trin Bitch friend • never moved off-res • can’t cook for shit • has mastered res-room deco • former resident of Whit/Welch • Mercurio staff know their name and order • takes Ubers when required to leave campus • gifts: a clean pair of shower shoes, a brunch date outside the Trin Bubble, a Mercurio gift card, a 26oz bottle of the hard liquor of your choosing

The holidays are a time to be thankful, and to take a moment to recognize and appreciate everything good in your life. No matter how big or how small the gift you decide to give, it’s the thought that counts. Regardless of whatever you or your friend may celebrate, don’t forget to tell your friends you love them. So whether you’re roasting chestnuts, or your friends, Happy Holidays!

TRUMPDATE

TM

TIS THE SEASON FOR NUCLEAR WAR

By Annie MacKillican

For most Trinity College students, the first three months of the semester are a blur. You take a whole month to remember how to study, you spend the entirety of October in Graham Library, and you anxiously await the coming bliss of Reading Week in the early days of November. This time of year is busy. But one orange-faced president from the South has been busy himself; busy bringing the world one step closer to complete nuclear destruction, among other things. So put down that fifth cup of coffee; this is all you’ll need to get you going.

SEPTEMBER The Department of Justice confirms that there is no evidence to support President Trump’s claim that former President Obama wiretapped Trump Towers. Thank you for spending millions of taxpayer dollars, America, we could’ve told you that a year ago.

Following a nuclear test by North Korea, Trump discusses ceasing trade with nations who trade with North Korea. President Trump states that the United States has many ways to annihilate certain countries, namely, North Korea. We are all eagerly looking forward to the end of the world.

President Trump announces that the United States will cease to accept DACA applications and that programming for current recipients will cease in the spring of 2018. Apparently, Trump treats DACA recipients the same way he treats his own children; if you ignore them, maybe they will go away.

President Trump drafts a bill to spend $15.25 Billion on hurricane relief, which raises the federal debt ceiling for the next three months. When asked how he plans to manage the debt, Trump replies: “Mexico will pay for it.”

In a phone call to South Korean President Moon Jae-in, Trump demands that South Korea “keep North Korea on a leash.” President Moon Jae-in replies “We’re not falling for that one again.”

Donald Trump meets with the Prime Minister of Israel to discuss potential peace agreements between Israel and Palestine. That night, the president tweets out: “I fixed Israel all by myself, I can’t believe it took these idiots so many years, it’s so simple, I just fixed it.”

President Trump announces that if “rocket man” Kim Jong-un forces the United States to defend itself, the US Military will “totally destroy” North Korea. Such a sophisticated vocabulary for such a big boy!

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OCTOBER At the request of the President, Vice-President Mike Pence walks out of an NFL game where players were kneeling during the national anthem. The White House makes a statement that they do not respect those who do not respect their country. The NFL’s response? “Right back at you.”

While attending a Gala at the Kuwaiti Embassy to raise money for the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees, President Trump comments that the people of Kumquat have such wonderful food, and that he wishes everyone could try a Kumquat dish in their lives.

President Trump orders all federal agencies to take immediate action to cease the opioid crisis in the United States, however no funds from the federal emergency fund were allocated. When asked where the money would come from, President Trump replied: “Mexico will pay for it.”

NOVEMBER Prior to beginning his first tour of Asia as President of the United States, Trump makes a brief stopover in Hawaii. I wonder if they have golf in Hawaii.

Whilst in Japan, the first stop on his 5-nation tour of Asia, Trump encourages the Japanese government to use their military to shoot down North Korean missiles. Apparently, President Trump forgot that part of history when the United States took away the Japan’s military. But who needs history when you’ve got a country to run?

At the APEC CEO Summit in Vietnam, President Trump urges China and Russia to put pressure on North Korea to stop the “twisted fantasies of nuclear blackmail.” Will you tell him to watch his mouth, or should I?

Vice-President Pence joins several other republicans in urging Senate nominee Roy Moore to abandon his campaign if the recent allegations of sexual assault are true. If only Pence had urged one presidential candidate to do the same.

Well, I bet that made your heart rate pick up quicker than three shots of espresso. Who needs caffeine when there’s a Cheeto running the most powerful country in the world?

Until next time, if we make it that long, this has been a Trumpdate™.

Betches for Salterrae:

A BETCH's WINTER SURVIVAL GUIDE

By A & B

Hey naughty ne'erdowells. Your real ice queen betches are back, and more cold-hearted than ever. We like, can’t wait to see your ultra original insta posts about Christmas trees, dressed up coffees (seriously, just buy real coffee, ok?), ugly sweaters, and snow accompanied by your even more creative captions! “Laughing my struggles away in 3ft. deep snow!” Shut up, bitches. Here are a few unsolicited tips from yours truly to get through the cold months here at TrainWreck College.

Staying Warm

It’s cold, get over it. But, nothing has as much heat as those FB threads on the Trin page. Don’t forget to disclaim your long-ass comment with “I usually stay away from arguing over Facebook, but…”

Staying Nourished

Here’s a step-by-step guide to eating well in Strachan:

1. Put your T-Card in your pocket 2. Leave

Festive Little Activities

• Trin-themed Crackers (not the snacking kind, fatass): Who knows what will be inside? A headship? A narsty hookup? Dignity?

• Gingerbread Trin Proper Recipe: You will need: 1 cup of sass, 3 dashes of sarcasm, 2 tbsp. of dirty looks, and look up the rest. We really don’t care that much

• Stilda’s Secret Santa: You can pretend it’s cute and fun, but we betches know you’re all just cheap ass plebeians.

• Carolling. Queen’s park. 8pm. Academic Dress.

Dealing with an Significant Other You know how the holidays make people especially lonely, and more prone to committing to a relationship, or something? Don’t forget who you spend most of your time with here, loser. Drop whatever Oxford definition of “dating” you have, ‘cause we all know you’ll just end up hooking up with a rando at a Buttery party — neither of you have the balls to even talk to each other in Strachan, let alone ask each other out on a date. How to deal? As Michael Douglas said in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, “Power in a relationship is about who cares less,” and sweetie, Trin is apathy central (at least in public). So we’ll tell you what your divorce lawyer eventually will: SETTLE.

That’s all for today. Until next time, and try to lay off the eggnog and be less annoying. We hope these winter tips will help you navigate the holiday season. Well, not really. But we tried. xoxo, a&b

27

ASKNEET

Greasy, Lumpy, Unfortunate, and Kourtney Kardashian-like

By Avneet Sharma

Rabble rabble! Your favourite human-sized elf and advice-giver about town is back and ready to respond to your questions, concerns, and general confusion about Trinity life. I still do not understand why I’m the advice columnist of all people, given that I’m a disgusting person who rarely does laundry, so there’s only a 40% chance my clothes are clean, but here we are anyway.

Speaking of which, I tried to call editor-in-chief Anna Trikas about these concerns, but the number she gave me was directed to a pizza parlour in Brighton, Ontario. It seems like she’s trying to avoid me. Anna, if you’re reading this, please get back to me as soon as possible. Also, when will this issue be published? My carefully curated jokes are dangerously close to becoming outdated.

Dear Avneet, How does one stay warm but still look cute?

-Wallflower Dear Wallflower, Winter is the epitome of cute. It’s a time when you can just forget about all your worries and spend your night drinking peppermint hot chocolate in a comfy green sweater.

For example, if I were to describe myself, I would say that I am: greasy, lumpy, unfortunate, and Kourtney Kardashian-like in terms of posture. However, winter gives me the opportunity to cover all that up with a cute sweater that makes me feel like Felicity Porter.

So, basically, this is a useless question. When deciding on a question to send to me, do better next time, Wallflower.

-Avneet

Dear Avneato,

Dear Perplexed,

My friend looks like Jesus.

Is your friend a dark-skinned communist? If not, then he is not Jesus, but merely looks like the whitewashed depiction of Jesus that has been used to uphold colonialism and White Supremacy™. Merry Christmas, by the way!

Would it be disrespectful to the Traditional Spirit of the Holiday Season to give him a Christmas gift disguised as a birthday gift? What about giving him a birthday gift disguised as a Christmas gift, but on Christmas instead of on his actual birthday? What if the Christmas gift was just a Christmas gift, but I attached a birthday card to it? Please help -- I’ve never had a friend that looks like Jesus before so I’m not sure about the rules.

-Perplexed

But like, I would give him a Christmas gift and attach a birthday card to it. Honestly, one of my favourite gags is a tangentially-related greeting card. I once got a friend a “my condolences for your loss” card when she broke up with her boyfriend. Needless to say, I am no longer friends with her, but that gag was worth it!

I hope this helps.

-Avneet

Dear Avatar: The Last Airbender,

Dear Bojacked99,

To what extent was feudalism a cause of the French Revolution?

-Bojacked99

I’m a Cinema Studies major, so the best I can tell you is that I haven’t seen Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette starring Kirsten Dunst yet. However, I did watch Francis Ford Coppola’s The Godfather for one of my classes, so I can talk about that.

The Godfather is one of those movies that I was scared of watching. I thought it would be overrated like Citizen Kane or Annie Hall (granted, I still liked Annie Hall, but I just didn’t understand why it was held as Woody Allen’s best film when Hannah and Her Sisters was clearly the best (also, I should probably make it clear that I enjoy Woody Allen’s work but still think he’s a horrible person)). But I was actually surprised

by The Godfather.

I wouldn’t say that I love The Godfather to the extent that society says I should, but I thought it was a pretty solid film overall. I didn’t expect there to be as much character work as there was, and thought the film would resort to an action-for-the-sake-of-action approach, a cinematic trope that I despise. Give me a film that focuses on fundamentally flawed characters and the corruption of American society and I’m all yours!

-Avneet

Dear Avneet, I just feel like I’m not assimilating well with the Trinity community. I’m a first year and I don’t know, it’s been hard for me to open myself up.

I’m typically outgoing but things are different at Trin, people are more intimidating here, I think. What should I do Avneet?

-Flustered

Dear Flustered, I realize that from the outside it might not seem like it, but I know what you’re going through. It took me a semester-and-a-half to finally feel comfortable about my place in Trinity College. I wish I could tell you what changed, but I truly believe that It was just time. I was also doing things I loved doing. In my first year, I spoke at the Lit, wrote for The Salterrae, and participated in a bunch of wacky events you would only find at Trinity.

I became comfortable when I realized that I was doing things because I loved doing them, not because I wanted to fit in. If you’re actively trying to fit in, you’re never going to feel like you fit in. Just explore some more, find what you like doing, even if it’s outside of Trinity College, and you’ll meet people with similar interests.

People may seem intimidating, especially since you just got here and feel like everyone at Trinity has their shit together, but you’ll quickly realize that we’re all learning and none of us have our shit together that much. I hope you feel better after reading this, I really do.

-Avneet

December Horoscopes 2k17 Aries

Taurus

Some of your planets are in stressful alignment after the 21st, so your health needs more attention this month. Might I recommend a tea-tox? It’s totally not an overpriced laxative that’ll harm your colon. I know exam season is rough, but make sure to take care of yourself. If you’re feeling down, go stare at the moss wall in the Buttery. Have a U of T official delegitimize your deteriorating health because, “At least you’re still passing.” Or, if you’re looking for a quiet space to reflect, try going to the new Trinity College Wellness space, which is perpetually locked and needs to be booked two weeks in advance!

To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand a Taurus. The humour is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of the zodiac most of the jokes will go over a typical non-Tauruses’s head. Tauruses have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these jokes, to realise that they’re not just funny- they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike Tauruses truly ARE idiots. I’m smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Mercury’s retrograde disrupts holiday shopping. What fools.. how I pity them, for I have already done my holiday shopping. ;) And yes, by the way, i DO have a bull tattoo. >:D

(March 21 - April 20)

Leo

(April 21 - May 20)

Virgo

(July 21 - August 21)

(August 22 - September 22)

Uranus is STILL in retrograde, and Saturn moves into your House of Health. Inhibitions are now gone, so ignore everything I said in the last volume of horoscopes re: focusing on calm and domestic duty. It’s not a time for acceptance. Roar like the lioness you are. You’re not ready to make nice, you’re not ready to back down.

You’re still mad as hell, and you don’t have time to go ‘round and ‘round and ‘round. It’s too late to make it right, you probably wouldn’t if you could. ‘Cause you’re mad as hell, can’t bring yourself to do what it is you think you should.

Let me guess, Virgo – you’re an INFP and after a very taxing exam season, all you want to do is snuggle up with your copy of Milk and Honey. I don’t want to distract you from your acumen of Finer Things™, so I have prepared your horoscope in Kaur-esque prose:

Sagittarius

Capricorn

It’s been an artsy time for you, Sag. You stumbled through Graffiti Alley on Nuit Blanche for the first time and haven’t been the same since. You’ve been doodling on exams for bonus marks and writing “daddy” all over the steam tunnels.

Not kinky, you’re just illuminating the absurdity of the patriarchy. Subversive!

Astrologer: Hi – so, both the Sun and Saturn will cross your ascendant and--

(November 23 - December 20)

You’ve bolstered your white feminism by writing for Areolapagus News, but ever since the Sun entered your First House, you crave more! Share your artistic + sexual revelations with your fellow members of college! Host office hours about potentially sensitive subjects in very public places like the Buttery or Strachan. SGO, whom???

Saturn in the 5th Now My tormentor gone Or maybe just 2 years Of relief

(December 21 - January 19)

A Capricorn: Astrology No fiction, only facts , please! The only stars I’m tryna reach are my goals .

The only thing I’m trying to ascend is the corporate ladder. The freer the market, the freer the people. Cut me open and you’ll find 83 copies of “ Atlas Shrugged .” Regards.

~ Astrological Interpretations by Sarah Sgambelluri (Gemini Sun/Taurus Moon/Libra Ascendant) ~

Gemini

Cancer

Good news for you, Gemini! That pesky Saturn is finally leaving your House of Love of on the 21st. What a relief! You know what isn’t a relief? Your inevitably awful winter break.

Mercury is in retrograde, so it’s likely that family members will ask why you’re not going to law school and/or why you’re not married yet over Christmas dinner in your very own Shithole, Ontario. Remember, you’re the master of duality. Respond to inappropriate questions poignantly, then whip out your phone under the table and roast your aunt, her draconian views of women, and her “no sugar” apple crumble on Twitter.

You’ve been coming out of your shell, and you’ve been doing just fine! Love is the highlight for this month, sweet crab! Saturn will slide into your 7th house on the 21st and remain there for the next two years. This shift suggests that someone older, stable, serious, and more settled is coming into your life.

You’re not bold enough for a sugar daddy, so maybe you’ll get with that one especially hot prof. Don’t worry, totally ok at this university as long as a colleague of the prof marks your work instead. What? It was only a kiss! It was only a kiss!

(May 21- June 20)

Libra

(June 21 - July 20)

Scorpio

(September 23 - October 22)

(October 23 - November 22)

Saturn is making a big leap into your 4th House, the domain responsible for duty and responsibility. Apparently Saturn will be in this House for two years, but who are we kidding?

A Libra, a vigilant defender of all that is right, pure, and balanced has an inherent obligation to be responsible. Saturn will (metaphorically) remain in your 4th House for the rest of your life, since you’re going to be Canada’s top corporate/civil/constitutional lawyer. Well, at least until you’re appointed to the Supreme Court. Your Social House calms after the 21st, so you’ll probably be spending the holidays at home. You’re not mad though, you need to catch up on LSAT studying. While others grind, you use your mind!

I’m only writing this because “[redacted]” isn’t a sufficient horoscope, and I already spend too much time cyberbullying Scorpios on my Snapchat story. The notion that Scorpios are THE WORST is codified in the Trinity College Constitution (p. VI, s.3, ss. 8), and is, in no way, informed by people(s) that the astrologer has dated and/or will inevitably date in the future.

Aquarius

Mars moves into Scorpio on the 9th, so I pray that the holiday spirit of John Strachan has mercy on us all. Unfortunately, this means that testosterone levels will soar. Practice compassion and be gentle on yourself, and don’t put so much creatine in the eggnog. You’ll just bloat, bro.

Pisces

(January 20 - February 18)

(February 19 - March 20)

Aquarius is the most stable of the air signs. You’re not frantically booking your LSAT two years in advance (@Libra) and you definitely don’t have eight concurrent boyfriends (@Gemini). You’re totally unfazed when people assume you’re a water sign, so you should be able to handle whatever this month brings. You’re in a prosperity period. Venus and Saturn align from the 20th to the 23rd, so a holiday cutie will probably enter your life. The stars are telling me that someone who relegated you to the “Friend Zone” and oozes Female Privilege will suddenly want you! Who says that nice guys finish last? Cut yourself open and you’ll find 83 litres of Mountain Dew!

Pisces is the last sign in the Zodiac. Don’t worry, you’re not being forgotten by the stellar network. If anything, you’re the final incarnation, so you’re ~enlightened~.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how “Pisces” looks a lot like “Piscine,” the French word for “pool” and also the name of the protagonist in “Life of Pi.” Did you know that Pi Patel also went to the University of Toronto? Didn’t he study zoology? We literally don’t even offer that program. December is a spiritual time for you, Pi(sces). Isn’t the head of divinity a Pisces?

Am I high right now? Am I sober? Which story do you want to believe?