7 minute read
my:story
Mandy hoped a move to North Devon would provide her family with the fresh start it needed – what she found was much more than she’d ever imagined
‘I remember coming down the stairs in my wedding dress,’ says Mandy. ‘My mother saw me and said, it’s not too late, you know, if you want to change your mind. All I said was, “What about everybody else?” They were expecting a wedding.’ Mandy was 19 years old and living in the small West Oxfordshire town of Chipping Norton, pregnant with her first child to her fiancé – who she’d met in the local pub. Seven years her senior, Mandy’s boyfriend had made her feel special from the beginning – engaging in what she now recognises as borderline stalker behaviour. ‘He was very charming,’ she says. ‘He put me on a pedestal. And he followed me everywhere. I thought I was lucky that he wanted me. He promised me the world.’ Mandy, who had grown up as the youngest of four children – her father was a lorry driver, her mother ‘worked many jobs to keep us afloat’ – remembers feeling deflated on her wedding day. She spent her wedding night at the pub watching her husband play cards with his mates.
Much worse was to come. Following the birth of Mandy’s first child, her partner became verbally aggressive, rapidly followed by physical violence and Mandy became trapped in a cycle of fear. Eleven years later – after the birth of two more children, and following years of abuse – Mandy divorced her husband for the first time. They were separated for six months before she decided to try again, for the sake of the family and feeling like there was no alternative. However, this was on the condition that they move away to start afresh. Mandy chose North Devon, where she had good memories of holidays with her family when the children were very young. ‘For him, family holidays were usually a chance to get rid of us,’ she says. ‘I felt at home as soon as I got here,’ recalls Mandy, adding that, as she wasn’t married when she first moved to Devon, she was ‘on equal footing’ and was therefore able to make some close friends of her own, which eventually proved a valuable support network. After settling in Devon and having a fourth child, Mandy was under pressure to remarry her husband – but the abuse had never stopped. In 2011 came the ‘straw that broke the camel’s back,’ she says. After one particularly violent incident, she ended up seeking refuge at her eldest daughter’s home. The police were called, and that was when Mandy first heard about NDADA (then called North Devon Women’s Aid). At first, Mandy was reluctant to accept help, having had a bad experience at another refuge 20 years earlier. Instead, she’d become accustomed to bearing the brunt of her husband’s abuse and violence, feeling that if she left either she or someone in her family would be hurt. ‘I had told myself I had to deal with the situation as best I could. And you do. You just survive,’ she says. It took several more incidents and phone calls to the police before Mandy first met with NDADA support worker Rachel. ‘We had coffee and talked, it was lovely. I could just let everything out,’ she says. Mandy was categorised as high risk by the charity and given a personal alarm – which she carries to this day. While she didn’t need to use the refuge as she had a safe place at her daughter’s house, Mandy was able to make use of NDADA’s Independent Domestic Violence Advisor (IDVA) service to support her through court.
Throughout all of this – as Mandy was trying to protect herself and her children, looking for somewhere to live and rebuild her life, while also living in fear – an opportunity arose through a friend to get involved with the launch of NDADA’s first charity shop, re:store. ‘It gave me a breather, a chance to step away from the pressure of rebuilding my life,’ she says. Mandy built up the confidence to text Alessia Sheldon, who was driving the launch of re:store. ‘Next thing I knew, Alessia was at my doorstep,’ she laughs. ‘She was so positive, so cheerful and energetic, it was like a breath of fresh air had just walked through my door.’ From there, Mandy and Alessia struck up a strong friendship and working relationship. Mandy became an integral part of the shop’s set up and operation. She is now employed in a full-time paid role as store manager and is studying Retail Management at Petroc. However, Mandy was still going through the process of rebuilding her life, and during this period she took part in NDADA’s Pattern Changing course, which she says she found incredibly empowering. ‘I think this course should be available to everyone, whether
you are in an abusive relationship, have been in the past, or just need to change some aspects of your life that aren’t working,’ she says. Mandy particularly remembers receiving a print out of the Bill of Rights during the course – the first of which is: ‘you have the right to be you’. This has been one of the biggest steps for Mandy, who lived for 27 years with every aspect of her life closely controlled, from what she wore, to what she ate, read and watched on TV. Now, for the first time in her life, Mandy is able to start finding out who she is – including, for example, what she wears and developing her own individual style. Mandy also remembers how good it felt to be able to read novels guilt-free for the first time, something she now loves to do – ‘although I don’t have as much time as I’d like, I’m always so busy now!’ she laughs. Previously, Mandy had felt guilty for ever having time to herself. ‘My kids used to call me Monica from the TV show Friends, because of my obsessive cleaning,’ she says. ‘I had to be, I felt I always had to prove myself and keep the household safe and calm from an explosive situation.’ It’s not easy and very courageous for Mandy to share her story, but Mandy says she is committed to raising awareness about domestic abuse. ‘I’m willing to speak because, at the end of the day, this is always happening and it’s not going to stop without a better understanding of the warning signs and educating our children about healthy relationships,’ she says. WANT TO TALK?
If you’d like to talk to someone about issues raised in this article, please call us on 01271 321946 (office hours), e-mail:
admin@ndada.co.uk
or visit: www.ndada.co.uk
OTHER HELPFUL SERVICES INCLUDE:
Splitz Domestic Abuse Support Service: 0345 1551074. 24hr National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000247. Childline: 0800 1111.
In an emergency, call 999.
SAVE THE DATE
Walk a mile in their shoes
Come along and join us for a fun family sponsored walk in aid of NDADA this June 27 – wearing someone else’s shoes!
Put your walking shoes on (or, preferably, someone else’s!) this Saturday, June 27 and meet us at The Square in Barnstaple for a fun family walk to raise vital funds for our Refuge, now in its 40th year. The mile-long walk will start at The Square in Barnstaple at 3pm and finish with a party and barbecue at Rock Park – with live music and dancing. The event is themed “walk a mile in their shoes” – so we hope to see participants swapping shoes with their kids, friends and partners (come on chaps, that means get those stilettos on!).
Register today to join in the fun! Email us at admin@ndada.co.uk.
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Summer Highlights
Family Arts Afternoon @ Hartland Abbey
Wednesday 29 July 1pm - 5pm Fun arts activities for all the family - most are free some have a small additional charge £3 Adults £1 Children
Jazz at The Abbey with Digby Fairweather’s Half Dozen & special guest Tina May @ Hartland Abbey
Thursday 30 July 7pm £20/£18/£15 Bring low back seating/blankets and picnics High quality refreshments are available
See our Summer Open-air Theatre Programme - 28 events set in 10 beautiful venues throughout North Devon
