re:story - 40th Birthday Issue

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4 0 T H B I R T H D AY I S S U E

FASHION, FAM I LY, C U LT U R E , L I F E

Wild about winter

DO THE SEASON IN STYLE

Favourite things RICHARD WOLFENDEN-BROWN

Good vintage MAKE THE PERFECT PIE

Wardrobe weeding IT’S TIME TO DECLUTTER

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re:story

4

40TH BIRTHDAY ISSUE

Welcome to re:story, a new magazine for the people of North Devon, from North Devon Against Domestic Abuse (NDADA) – filled with beautiful pictures and intriguing articles we hope will touch, inspire and inform you.

This first edition is published in the 40th anniversary year of our charity. Check out the exciting activities we have planned for the year on page 38.

We’ve had 40 years of delivering vital safety and recovery services to those who have suffered the effects of violence and abuse in their homes. There are more than you might think, and they come from all walks of life.

In this issue 4

Wild about winter

9

Local hero

10

Wardrobe weeding

20

12

Meet the artist

We run the last remaining refuge in the county and are experts in working with families to support and bring positive change to their lives. We hope your engagement with our mission begins here.

14

Favourite things

16

The future of beauty

18

re:store review

20

Good vintage

We look forward to the next 40 years as we play our part in the North Devon community to help create an environment in which we can all flourish.

25

Making family memories

28

How healthy is your

relationship?

31

New beginnings

Susan Wallis CEO NDADA

35

Reaching out

38

Save the date

25

Thank you: Salt Media for design; Steve Nuth Photography; Jane Stanley of Private Collection II; Connie of Iconic Hair and Makeup; Georgia of Belle Mani; Jan Cooper; volunteers Anji Saltmarsh, Caron Elliott, Wendy McDonald and Daniel Stratford; Amanda McCormack, North Devon Moving Image; The Wash Studio artist Sarah Farrell-Roberts; Karen Haste, istream; Richard Wolfenden-Brown of The Plough Arts Centre. re:story is available free of charge at selected retailers, salons, children’s centres and waiting rooms, and is funded by our advertisers. For copies (print or digital) or to advertise, email admin@ndada.co.uk or call 01237 472939. Disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this magazine are not necessarily those of North Devon Against Domestic Abuse, and products and services advertised are not endorsed by the charity or its trustees.

STYLE

Wild about winter re:story asked North Devon fashionista, Jane Stanley, for the low-down on this season’s fashion trends. Relax girls, it’s all eminently wearable…

W

e have it on high authority from Jane Stanley that this season is all about oversized statement knits, tantalising glimpses of vintage lace and tones of grey.

‘Lace has graduated from just a trend to a seasonal staple,’ says Jane. ‘Use it as a glimpse under a sweater, as a hem under a tunic, or go full glam in a lace dress; navy or black are both dramatic,’ she says.

Jane has been in the fashion business for more than 40 years, is a regular guest at London Fashion Week and has been to hundreds of international catwalk shows. Having launched more seasonal collections than you can shake a (leather-trimmed, diamond-studded) stick at, Jane also writes a regular column for the North Devon Journal on fashion trends.

The owner of the bijou boutique Private Collection II on Holland Walk in Barnstaple (the sequel to her first high fashion boutique, Private Collection), we think she’s also one of the best dressed women in North Devon.

While following trends is fun, Jane stresses that there’s always room to add a dash of your own fashion flair. ‘Remember to be individual,’ she says. ‘Add your own touches, try mixing up the looks, as fashion has never been so varied.

Remember the Oscar Wilde quote: “Be yourself, everyone else is taken”.’

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GLAMOROUS GRUNGE Mixing tweed with crystal and fur is gloriously glam. Necklace

by Matthew Greer; coat by Pinko; crystal bracelet by Caroline. Ring is model’s own.

Jane says: ‘Dip into the good looking moments of the grunge era, and add a dash of old-world glamour. This look is all about layering textures – mix tweed with chiffon, leather with silk, lace with cashmere, and lots of sparkle.

Then add attitude!’

40TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE

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WICKED IN WOOL Blends of mink and cream always look classy and understated.

Jumper by Max and Moi; jeans by Marella; lace top by Snob; trimmed hat by Max and Moi. Jane says: ‘It’s the season of the oversized statement knit. Make it cashmere if you can – it does slouchy so well. Offset the oversize look by keeping the lower silhouette narrow: think skinny jeans, leather leggings or pencil skirts.’

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GORGEOUS GREY This look is all about texture, and brings harsh metallics together with soft knit and fur. It’s a look that can easily take you from day to night. Jumper by Patrizia Pepe; skirt by Inwear; earrings

by Matthew Greer – made exclusively for Private Collection.

Jane says: ‘Grey is the new black.

Try all shades – from nearly black charcoal, through slate to stone.

Layer the different shades for a truly chic look. Add a touch of metallic with silver accessories.’

MODELS: re:store VOLUNTEERS, ANJI AND CARON. PHOTOGRAPHY BY STEVE NUTH, HAIR AND MAKE-UP

BY CONNIE AT ICONIC HAIR AND MAKE UP AND NAILS

BY GEORGIA AT BELLE MANI 40TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE

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8 re:story 40TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE

SCARF COAT This classic khaki mac, a great buy from re:store charity shop, adds a hint of sophistication to a relaxed look

A tomato red scarf provides modern vibrancy to classic styling

KNIT From high street fashion label River Island, this warm knit in smart French blue teamed with a lighter shade mac enhances Daniel’s slim silhouette

JEANS

HIGH STREET

Easy straight leg jeans from Top Man – effortless comfort for the man about town

Local hero We snapped one of our local style heroes, Daniel Stratford, outside re:store. The gabardine mac with the collars turned up feels like a nod to the 1940s and, with good leather shoes, adds structure and style to a contemporary, casual outfit. Eat your heart out Humphrey Bogart!

SHOES Distressed leather shoes, originally from M&S, add to the vintage inspired look

40TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE

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STYLE

Wardrobe weeding Did you know we wear 20% of our clothes collection 80% of the time?

If it’s time for a close encounter with your wardrobe, follow image consultant Penny Blower’s tips to make it painless

I

magine opening your wardrobe and knowing that everything in it fits, suits you and will give you endless outfits. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

It’s possible to do – but first you need to prepare yourself. You’ll need time, bin bags, hangers, cleaning materials, a vacuum cleaner, a positive frame of mind and determination!

The ideal way to see what you have, and what works and what doesn’t work is to go through each item of clothing, piece by piece, until there is nothing left

10 re:story 40TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE

in your wardrobe. For most of us this is not a five minute job, so give yourself plenty of time or break up the task into garment categories.

Next, divide the garments into three piles: the keepers, the maybes, and those destined for a bin bag (but not necessarily the bin!). To make it easy, try this little tool (opposite) to help you determine what to keep and what to discard. If it doesn’t make you feel fabulous, let it go!

What to keep?

I never wear my business suit anymore

This used to be my favourite skirt...

I used to love it, but I’ve changed size and haven’t worn it in years

Well, that was easy

Right colour, right style, love it

1

Could it be altered or worn differently?

GOOD IDEA!

NO

IT’S A KEEPER

Fast track this straight back into your wardrobe – to be organised by category and colour, of course.

Could a shorter hemline bring it back on-trend?

Could it be split into two separate pieces?

YES

NO

2

YES

NO

MAYBE…

Remember the golden rule: don’t put any garment back which needs altering or mending until it is altered or mended.

Do you enjoy reminders of your old dress size collecting dust in your wardrobe?

NO

3

What was I thinking?

Wrong style, wrong colour…!

Let’s blame the 90’s…

Right colour, wrong style

BIN IT!

These are destined for a bin bag – for somewhere else. If they’re in good condition, give them to a friend or donate to re:store.

Penny’s top tips • Before putting away clothes, hoover the wardrobe to get rid of dust.

• Only put clean clothes away – food marks attract moths.

• The more expensive the garment the better the moths seem to like it – been there, done that, got the ‘bullet hole’ in my only cashmere cardigan! Lavender sachets and cedarwood blocks among the clothes help ward off moths.

• Avoid over-crowding your wardrobe – your clothes need to breathe. Store bulky items which you don’t wear often elsewhere.

• Wire hangers can spoil clothes with their lack of support and permanently mark fabrics.

• Shops such as re:store will turn your unwanted clothes into the cash needed to run their support services.

Penny is an image consultant who advises on how to look and feel your best through colour, style, wardrobe weeding, personal shopping, presentations, workshops and seasonal updates.

Tel. 01769 560497 E. penny@pennyblower.co.uk W. www.pennyblower.co.uk

40TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE

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A R T S & C U LT U R E

Meet the artist North Devon artist Sarah Farrell-Roberts has produced a series of paintings depicting the raw emotions she went through during a low period in her life – and the strength and hope on the other side

This page: Sarah pictured with the second painting in her series, Despair. ‘Where to turn, what to do, sheer panic, everything is spiralling out of control.’

Opposite page: Pride (left), ‘Lovers enjoying an intimate moment’, and Benjamin Clementine (right), ‘A beautiful artist who touches my heart with his voice’.

S

arah’s paintings are dramatic, large and full of raw emotion. Working from her studio in North Devon, she expresses herself through the medium of acrylic, painting what she sees as the very essence of those who inspire or touch her through their lives, talent, experiences or the depth of their emotions.

The large scale of her paintings owes much to the 25 years she spent in London as a scenic

she did will be able to relate and see that there is a better place to believe in and aim for.

Sarah’s desire to use her talents to help others goes deeper than just allowing viewers to share the emotions of this series of personal paintings. She has gained experience as an art therapy group facilitator and has written an art therapy programme for a national addiction charity to use in its hostels.

‘Sarah hopes by making these paintings public, others will see that there is a better place to aim for.’ artist and graphic designer, working on the sets of major London shows including Grease and Copacabana. Her only problem now is restricting her paintings to a size that will fit through her studio door!

Sarah has produced a series of four black and white acrylic paintings that depict her personal anguish and emotions through a low period in her own life. They show her journey through depression, despair and distress, to a far better place with a positive outlook as she regained her strength and hope. Sarah plans to make these paintings public, so that others who are struggling as

Sarah also opens the doors to her studio regularly to host an art and craft club and to hold workshops that not only concentrate on painting, but also include crafts such as sculpture, driftwood artefacts and mosaics. These workshops give others the opportunity to use Sarah’s facilities to find a medium in which they feel comfortable expressing themselves.

Sarah is now undertaking a counselling course and wants to use her art background and experience in art therapy to help others find relief by being able to share and express their emotions through creativity.

40TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE

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A R T S & C U LT U R E

Favourite things Richard Wolfenden-Brown, director and live event programmer of The Plough Arts Centre in Great Torrington, reveals his cultural ‘it’ list

Photo courtesy North Devon Journal

O

ne of North Devon’s best connected cultural figures, Richard knows what’s hot and what’s not in the region. He’s approached each month by hundreds of theatre companies, bands, dancers, comedians, musicians, singers, circus performers and speakers from around the world wanting to perform at The Plough or one of its associated venues. ‘North Devon is fortunate in having a wide range of arts organisations delivering a vibrant and diverse mix of events to tempt all tastes and pockets,’ he says.

From the myriad of arts and cultural events on offer across the region, here are some that have caught his eye for spring and summer 2015.

14 re:story 40TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE

ART TREK To interact with artists in their own studios and get to the heart of where art is made, look no further than Art Trek.

Art Trek gives art lovers the opportunity to be welcomed by high quality local artists at a venue, studio or barn just down the road from you.

It’s been running for 15 years and has been phenomenally successful with around 60,000 visitors spending around £250,000 on art across wider North Devon.

Last year funding was withdrawn, but North Devon Arts has stepped in to re-establish an Open Studios/ Art Trek event in May and June 2015. www.northdevonarts.co.uk

DREAMING IN CODE BY 2FACED DANCE COMPANY This breathtaking collision of dance and theatre explodes on to the stage of The Queen’s Theatre in Barnstaple on Friday, March 20. One of the UK’s most innovative male dance companies presents its double bill which promises to be exhilarating, heart-breaking, devastating and joyful. www.2faceddance.co.uk

OPEN-AIR THEATRE The Plough Arts Centre is teaming up with the cream of the country’s open-air theatre companies to present 24 performances at nine North Devon venues from May 24 to August 31. Shows include Robin Hood; a world premiere of Mr Stink by David Walliams; Cider With Rosie; Treasure Island; Iolanthe; The Sorcerer’s Apprentice; Emma; The Three Musketeers and The Comedy of Babi Babbett.

For the first time there will also be two special openair events at Hartland Abbey: a Family Arts Day on July 29, which includes the Mr Stink performance, and Jazz at the Abbey with Digby Fairweather’s Half Dozen on July 30.

40TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE

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BEAUTY

The future of beauty Tomorrow’s World or Brave New World? Karen Haste looks at the weird ways we’ll soon be choosing our beauty products

W

hat makes you choose that L’Oreal mascara over Clarins in Boots on a Saturday morning? Is it packaging, price, or brand loyalty?

Instead of making decisions based on marketing, how great would it be to make them based on what’s actually best for you?

To have your own beauty consultant on hand, to recommend your ideal skin-care regime, or to mix your perfect lip colour and create a customised beauty product?

Something like a Dulux colour-matching machine with the ability to match your lipstick to your new red shoes, then dress it up in your own personalised packaging.

Personalised beauty might sound futuristic, but it may not be that far off. We’ve all seen the No. 7 perfect match scanners that scan your skin and recommend the perfect shade of foundation, and this kind of technology is becoming more advanced by the day.

the Benefit machines popping up in airports, but this goes a step further. You stand on an allocated spot and a machine scans your whole body, making cosmetic product suggestions based on your clothing and colour palette – which you can then purchase from the machine.

It was no accident that L’Oreal decided to use a subway station to launch this new method of selling its products – in all arenas we’re becoming more demanding about services fitting in with our daily lives. Asda and Amazon are both in talks with London Transport about installing click-and-collect lockers in underground stations so people can buy on the go and collect their goods on their way home.

What else can we expect to encounter in this brave new world of beauty?

Concoctions Mixology launched last year with personalised hair-care products such as

‘It scans your whole body, making cosmetic product suggestions based on your clothing and colour palette, which you can then purchase from the machine.’

A few months ago Ralph Lauren partnered with Canadian technology company OMsignal to launch a sports shirt that tracks the wearer’s heartbeat, respiration, energy output, stress levels, breathing rate and depth, steps and calories burned. It even has an accelerometer (no, us neither) and a gyroscope. The readings captured are transmitted to a tiny black box worn at the rib cage, which relays the information to a new Ralph Lauren fitness app.

booster drops and serums, while Bite Beauty recently opened a “lip lab” in Soho that allows customers to blend their own lipstick for the perfect shade selection. Also creating interest is the new champion of bespoke skin-care, Organic Pharmacy. Its Selfridges experience offers customers a consultation about diet and general wellbeing in order to produce a personalised anti-aging cream, with actives to target specific problem areas.

This type of personalised data gathering and targeted marketing is gaining ground at an incredible pace. In the field of beauty, one new development is Ioma, a customised skincare service that uses medical grade machines to scan customers and recommend skin-care based on their genetic makeup. Ioma has just taken its first tentative steps into the mainstream with an 11-store Boots launch.

The most out-there development to date, however, has to be where beauty meets 3D printing. Gracemink.com is a make up printer that can “print” a powder, giving customers a specific eyeshadow/face powder shade. It’s out there, right now! So don’t be surprised if a visit to the beauty hall soon involves a series of scanners, customised products and infinite choice in colour cosmetics.

L’Oreal Paris launched the Intelligent Color Experience last year, from a vending machine in a New York subway station. We’re used to the concept of vending machine beauty thanks to the introduction of BeautyMART vending machines at Harvey Nichols and

Welcome to the future of beauty.

Beauty industry expert and trend spotter, Karen Haste publishes a monthly report for the beauty industry on new products and innovations. www.informationstream.co.uk 40TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE

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SHOPPING

re:store review A low-down of the latest and greatest on offer in our cheefully style-led charity shops in North Devon

1

2 KIDS’ CLOTHES

re:store junior is the new addition to the re:store family. Pop in to the Boutport Steet shop and see what’s in stock from baby to teenage, and help us raise funds to keep families safe in North Devon.

WA N T T O V O L U N T E E R AT r e : s t o r e ?

Meet new people and have fun while helping us support families in North Devon. We also provide training, meaning you can gain valuable work experience too. See page 36 for more ways to help.

18 re:story 40TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE

HOMEWARES

Frilly lamps, buxom bowls, colourful curtains and lots more things to make your home happy. Come along and discover what’s new in re:store’s homeware department.

3

4 TAILOR-MADE

Stylish tailoring at quality prices is always on the menu at re:store. Whether you’re looking for some retro inspired pieces to add to your wardrobe, or something smart with a twist for work or pleasure, check out the ever-changing stock of fabulous hand-picked fashion.

BEHIND THE SCENES

Local creative, Amanda McCormack from North Devon Moving Image, recently stopped by re:store to record a short film about why people support our charity. Watch the film online at youtu.be/IdkQUDeXK94

CONTACT US Visit re:store in Barnstaple at 39-40 Boutport Street or call the shop on 01271 377798.

40TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE

re:story 19

FOOD

Good vintage ‘Vintage style has influenced food as much as fashion,’ says Food magazine editor, Jo Rees. ‘And it doesn’t get more classic than a good ol’ meat pie. This shallot, chunky steak and mushroom pie can be dressed up – or down – to suit any occasion.’

Serves: 4 Preparation time: 45 minutes Cooking time: 2 hours

SHALLOT, CHUNKY STEAK AND MUSHROOM PIE For the pastry: 110g butter 280g plain flour 2 medium eggs, beaten For the filling: 8 shallots 40g butter 500g shoulder steak, trimmed and cut into 2cm cubes (or larger) 25g plain flour, seasoned with salt and pepper and a tbsp of paprika I tbsp sunflower oil 100g streaky bacon in one piece, cut into lardons (short strips about 5mm thick) 200g chestnut mushrooms, halved 200ml red wine 200ml beef stock 2 tbsp chopped fresh parsley Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper

1. Preheat the oven to 180°C/350°F/gas mark 4.

2. To make the pastry, rub the butter, flour and a pinch of salt together in a mixing bowl until the mixture has the consistency of fine breadcrumbs.

Add the egg and bring it all together into a dough.

Knead this lightly 3 or 4 times with floured hands.

Cover in cling film and refrigerate for an hour before use.

3. Take the shallots and pop into a pan of cold water. Bring the pan to a simmer and gently cook the shallots for about 1½ minutes. This will make the shallots easier to peel and assist the cooking. Peel off the skin without cutting the ends of the shallots off.

Lightly shave off any remaining root fibres, but do not cut into the shallot at all.

4. Melt 25g of the butter in a flameproof casserole dish. Add the shallots and fry over a medium heat for about 10 minutes, until nicely golden.

Meanwhile, put the steak into a polythene bag with the seasoned flour and toss together until well coated.

5. Heat a large frying pan until very hot. Add the sunflower oil, then the bacon and stir fry for a few minutes until richly golden. Remove with a slotted spoon and add to the shallots in the casserole dish.

40TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE

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FOOD

Good vintage

6. Now brown the mushrooms for a couple of minutes, then add to the casserole dish. Add the remaining butter to the frying pan and brown the beef well on all sides. Transfer to the casserole dish.

7. Add the wine and stock to the frying pan, bring to the boil and scrape up all the browned bits from the bottom of the pan. Pour this into the casserole dish, add plenty of seasoning, especially pepper, and mix together well.

8. Cover the casserole with a tight fitting lid and bake for 1–1½ hours until the meat is tender and the sauce has thickened. Then, stir in the chopped parsley, check the seasoning, tip the mixture into the pie dish and let it cool as quickly as possible.

9. Roll the pastry out on a floured surface to the thickness of a beer mat. Trim a strip long enough to go around the rim of a 20cm pie dish.

10. When the stew has cooled, line the rim of the dish with the thin strip of pastry. Dampen the pastry rim by brushing with beaten egg. Cut a piece of pastry to fit across the top of the dish and place on top of the pie filling, pressing the edges together to seal. Make a steam hole in the centre of the pie by cutting a small cross with a sharp knife, then brush with more beaten egg.

11. Pop the pie into the oven and cook for about 35 minutes until golden, then serve.

free £1.99 WHERE SOLD

NOVEMBER 2014

the er's insidguide Hand-picked places to eat, stay, shop and cook in the South West

Winter light W H E AT A N D D A I RY-F R E E COMFORT FOOD

COOKING FROM THE HEART

BITE SIZED:

Anton Piotrowski

Make it this month

Split pea and ham soup Beef bourguignon Wild mushroom cappuccino

CHRISTMAS WISH LIST

Other lovely stuff: eat at Boscanova and Wildflower Restaurant, stay at Glazebrook House Hotel, shop at Choccie Bar W W W.F O O D -M AG .CO.U K

eat

Food magazine is the South West’s leading food magazine, published 10 times a year by Salt Media in North Devon.

stay

shop

cook

Food November 2014 Cover.indd 1

22 re:story 40TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE

15/10/2014 12:49:54

www.food-mag.co.uk

ALL IN THE STYLING While this is a classic family supper dish that will keep everyone happy, it’s also easily poshed up for a supper with friends. Make horseradish mash by adding a spoonful of sauce to buttery mash or bake dauphinoise potatoes.

Then swap weekday veggies for roasted quartered fennel bulbs, and stir fried savoy cabbage with caraway seeds. Serve with a rich red wine, such as a big juicy cabernet sauvignon.

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your first class with this advert!

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Debbie West, of The West Pilates Studio, Taw Vale, has relocated to Floor One Fitness, Gammon Walk, Barnstaple and runs Pilates mat classes, one to one lessons and studio classes using large apparatus.

Look out for Pilates retreats, workshops and somatic movement classes to relieve muscular pain in 2015!

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& ceramics studio

Tarka Pottery is North Devon's most exciting and inspiring clay experience studio.

Our popular Potter's Wheel Experience is great fun for all ages and we offer clay workshops, classes, parties and pottery painting too!

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Comprehensive Insulation & Secondary Glazing We bring traditional properties up to modern standards of insulation whilst preserving their character and beauty.

Our services include award winning, virtually invisible secondary glazing, sheep wool loft insulation, bespoke draught proofing, sloping ceiling insulation and restoration.

For a free energy survey and quotation across the South West, contact us today:

FA M I LY

Making family memories ‘Many women mistakenly believe that taking the knocks in an abusive relationship protects their children. If that sounds familiar, it might be time to change the picture,’ says family therapist Jan Cooper

B

eing in a relationship that’s not safe is a daunting and frightening experience for anyone.

Many women are reluctant to acknowledge that they feel unsafe or fearful of their partners.

They believe their partner’s abusive behaviour is somehow their fault – they make excuses, accept blame, try harder, not wanting their children or families to know about the abuse, hoping it will get better.

There’s a common misconception by many women who think that taking the blows in an abusive relationship and keeping quiet about it protects their children. Sadly, however, that’s far from the truth.

Children are astute parent watchers and listeners and often know what is going on between their parents.

40TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE

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FA M I LY Making family memories

Children can also take on the task of “keeping the secret”. In some families this is a closed secret that’s known within the family but where it’s understood that no one should talk about it outside of the family.

Or it may be an open secret in that family members talk about it with friends, neighbours or grandparents but wouldn’t talk to a social worker, teacher, or seek help from outside. It’s a tricky balancing act which doesn’t lead to a solution, instead it keeps things very much the same.

So if children know that their mother is being abused or are even witnessing the abuse, what effect might it have on them? Research suggests that children may be distracted by worries about their mother’s safety and as a result find it hard to concentrate at school, or they may feel confused about how to manage their own temper and how to resolve arguments and disagreements with family and friends.

Sometimes children just need straightforward advice and reassurance to know that aggressive behaviour is not okay. In my experience, children often do not know whether to take sides or not, and can feel pulled and pushed between both of their parents, or their parent and their partner.

As children grow and mature, they need to build up affectionate trusting relationships with the adults in their family, to feel they are safe and that the adults are there for them to give advice and make suggestions when they feel stuck.

The truth of the matter is that it is not the children who should be worrying about family safety. Responsibility for the parents’ behaviour and for making sure the family is safe lies firmly with the parents.

For many women it’s a poignant moment when they acknowledge that their children do know what is going on. This realisation can also bring relief and be helpful in thinking about and planning what to do next.

It may be that you want to leave an abusive relationship or you may want the violence to stop and work towards an improved and safe relationship with your partner. Either way, if you want to seek help or advice, North Devon Against Domestic Abuse (NDADA) is there to help and support. Women experiencing domestic violence or abuse often feel they are the only ones in this situation, but 40 years of helping women, men and children in abusive relationships shows this is not the case – there are a lot of women out there who know just how much courage it takes to change.

Jan Cooper is a family therapist, co-founder of Reading Safer Families, and author of Domestic Violence and Family Safety (Jan Cooper & Arlene Vetere, Whurr Publishing, 2005).

26 re:story 40TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE

‘There are a lot of women out there who know just how much courage it takes to change.’

WANT TO TALK? If you’d like to talk to someone about issues raised in this article, please call us on 01271 321946 (office hours), e-mail admin@ndada.co.uk or visit www.ndada.co.uk

OTHER HELPFUL SERVICES INCLUDE: Splitz Domestic Abuse Support Service: 0345 1551074.

24hr National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000247.

Childline: 0800 1111.

In an emergency, call 999.

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R E L AT I O N S H I P S

How healthy is your relationship?

Many of us put up with all kinds of bad behaviour from our loved ones from time to time – and let’s face it, there are times when we’re not that well behaved ourselves. This can be a matter of us just being ourselves (after all, no one’s perfect…). However, sometimes when we’ve been putting up with a pattern of behaviour for a long time, it can be hard to tell what’s going on.

Use this quiz to help you figure out whether what you’re experiencing is healthy.

Does he/she tell you that you are ugly, stupid, lazy or other things that make you feel rubbish about yourself?

1

Does the person you’re in a relationship with check up on you and want to know where you are at all times?

A. B. C. D.

Often Sometimes Rarely Never

D. B. C. A.

Never Sometimes Rarely Often

4

Does he/she call you obscene names?

2

Is he/she jealous, and do they accuse you of going off with others?

C. B. A. D.

3

Rarely Sometimes Often Never

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A. B. C. D.

Often Sometimes Rarely Never

‘Being in a relationship that’s not safe is a daunting and frightening experience.’

5

Does he/she tell you that no-one else could ever love you?

B. D. C. A.

Sometimes Never Rarely Often

6

Does he/she make fun of you in front of other people?

A. D. B. C.

Often Never Sometimes Rarely

7

9

Does he/she tell you you’re not good enough to get a job, or to go to college?

A. D. C. B.

Often Never Rarely Sometimes

10

Does he/she push you, punch you, kick you, pull your hair or prevent you from leaving the room?

A. B. C. D.

Often Sometimes Rarely Never

Does he/she try to stop you seeing your friends?

C. A. D. B.

Rarely Often Sometimes Never

All Ds – You seem to be in a healthy relationship. There is equality and trust between you and your partner.

Mostly As – This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. Please call us if you want to talk about it.

8

Does he/she take your money or make you spend it on them?

D. B. C. A.

What your answers reveal:

Never Sometimes Rarely Often

Combination of letters – If you are getting a mixture of the others, you may want to discuss your relationship, especially if at times you are feeling like it’s not quite right or makes you feel sad or depressed.

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‘Refuge is a place to recover and heal in a non-judgemental, nurturing environment.’

PEOPLE

New beginnings Helen Frisby, Refuge manager at NDADA, explains the process of seeking shelter with Refuge, and tells the story of one of the many women and families she welcomes to safety – and a new beginning

H

elen says, ‘I received a call today from social housing about a mother, Lisa* and her three children. Lisa had fled her family home because of domestic abuse.

‘There had been an incident the previous night in which her partner had assaulted her and tried to strangle her. He had been arrested, but Lisa was afraid to return home. Having put up with the abuse for 15 years, she feels she can’t take any more. While she has taken out restraining orders before, her abusive partner doesn’t respect the law and always breaches them.

‘After speaking to Lisa, the housing officer decided that she would benefit from the support that Refuge can offer, and suggested making the referral to us.

‘It’s good news that I had a family room available – I only have eight rooms at Refuge and only three equipped to take a family of this size. Lisa is on this occasion okay to go home and collect a few things as her partner is still in custody, but he is expected to be bailed later in the day, so we need to make a decision as soon as possible.

‘I speak to Lisa directly and complete a referral form with her – it’s important to speak to the client to understand that coming to Refuge is definitely what she wants. Refuge is the first important step, but it’s only one of many – I need to assess her risk level so we can plan for her safety.

‘Lisa and women in her position also need to be aware of how Refuge works. First and foremost it is a place of safety, but she will be sharing her room with her three children – aged 13, 11 and six – and she will share a bathroom and shower with other residents, along with the communal lounge area and kitchen. We provide a laundry room and have outside space, and provide a playroom at specific times during the week. We are a dry house and have zero tolerance on drug taking. We are a specialist Domestic Abuse Service and not a homelessness hostel, so the contract with the client is that they will engage in the support we offer to help them move on with their family.

*Real name changed to protect identity 40TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE

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PEOPLE

New beginnings

‘As I speak with Lisa she is tearful – she’s exhausted after last night, her 13-yearold is giving her a hard time (what about her friends? She doesn’t want to change schools), the 11-year-old is crying, and the six-year-old has been quiet since last night, even though the children were safe in another room and didn’t see anything.

I explain about the support available for the children with the Family Support Team,

arrange to meet Lisa and her children at a neutral place and bring them in.

‘When they arrive, we give them a tour of Refuge and introduce them to the other residents. We show them to their room and give mum an introductory pack and a toiletry set, plus a soft toy to each of the children as a welcome. This is mainly about familiarising the family with the new surroundings and helping them get used to

‘We give mum a toiletry set, plus a soft toy to each of the children as a welcome.’ how we can help with schools and work with the children in a therapeutic way, through play and in one-to-one support sessions with activities to teach them safety skills and explore their own feelings and emotions. I also explain to Lisa how she can speak to a women’s support worker about access to practical help with housing, finances, legal support and other personal issues as well as emotional support and counselling.

‘After our conversation, Lisa decides that she does need to be away with the children, and accepts the place she is offered at Refuge. I ask her how she is going to travel to us, and she says she has a friend who can give her a lift. However, her friend is male, so I explain that no men are allowed in Refuge (unless professionals, and then only during office hours). As an alternative, we

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being here – there is time for the work to start now that they are safe.

‘Refuge is about being safe, but more than that it is a place to recover and heal in a non-judgemental, nurturing environment.’

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Reaching out ‘For too long the problem of domestic violence has been swept under the carpet, but if we are to keep offering our vital services to the North Devon community, it’s time to make sure the community understands what we do, what’s at stake and how it can help,’ says chief executive of NDADA, Susan Wallis

D

omestic abuse or abuse in the home is one of the biggest social problems facing our communities today. It’s generally misunderstood by the public at large and is often thought of as a problem that happens on council estates – although in the most recent domestic violence murders in Devon within the past two years, the victims were financially independent middle class women who probably never thought of themselves as victims of abuse.

Last year over 1,000 people were referred to or contacted us at NDADA. We work alongside and in partnership with other agencies such as the police, health services and education to serve over 800 square miles in North Devon and Torridge.

The heart of the charity is the Refuge, which provides crisis accommodation and support to women and children who are forced to flee their homes. It is the only one left in Devon and can accommodate up to eight women

and 17 children at any one time. More than 50 families get help each year in the form of safe accommodation, safety planning and support with the legal system in the first instance, followed by family therapy to help them cope and recover from the serious effects of their traumatic experiences.

Our aim is to provide women and children with a nurturing environment (one that they may never have recognised in their lives or relationships before), which will allow them to create futures free from the fear of being abused, mentally or physically.

Despite our excellent reputation as specialists in domestic abuse, NDADA has faced a series of funding cuts over the past three years and last year we found ourselves in a position of having to be part of a competitive tendering process for funding from the local authority Devon County Council. We lost the contract for delivering outreach services to an out-ofcounty provider. Pretty quickly we realised

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that in our community no one had any idea of what we actually did.

Historically we have always operated under the radar – domestic abuse is often swept under the carpet as one of those things we don’t like to think or talk about. Since then, we have attempted to be out and proud.

Our trustees have been magnificent and we have become a determined team. We have plenty of evidence to show that we get results for those who seek our help, and we have worked hard to bring the organisation into the public domain. Our first charity shops, re:store and re:store junior have been open for over a year now and have given us a softer public face that we have found people are pleased to connect with – as well as providing a style-led, value for money charity shopping experience.

People now come forward offering help, because they know who we are and what we do. The necessity for our service is now much more widely understood and people appreciate the reality behind the shocking statistics.

One of our newly recruited volunteers summed it up when she said, ‘I always wanted to support you, but I had no idea how to even try’. Lesson learned.

We’re not out of the woods yet, but we can at least see the path.

How you can help Your support – large and small – makes a real difference to the mums and children who need our help 1.

Shop at re:store and re:store junior in Barnstaple.

2.

Volunteer in our charity shops. Training is provided, so you can gain valuable work experience while having fun and meeting new people.

3.

Donate to our charity shops – your unwanted goods can find a new home and provide valuable income.

4.

Make a financial donation:

• via mobile. Donate any amount you want, whether £1, £10, £15 or £20. For example, if you want to give £10, just text: NDAD40 £10 to 70070 (you won’t be charged any additional fee for this service).

• online at www.justgiving.com/northdevonwomensaid (one off, or follow the steps to set up a regular donation).

• in cash at re:store. Tax payers can Gift Aid the donation, which will give us an extra 25p from HMRC for every £1 donated.

• by cheque. Please make payable to NDADA and send to PO Box 141, Barnstaple, Devon, EX32 7YN.

• leave a gift in your will. For information about this, please contact Jane Howe 01271 321946 or email admin@ndada.co.uk.

5. Become a friend of NDADA on Facebook (search ‘Friendsof NDADA’) or like our restore-charity-shop page for fashion news and updates.

6. Sign up as a supporter and receive our latest news (and a digital copy of this magazine).

Register at www.ndada.co.uk.

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C A M PA I G N S & N E W S

Save the date It’s been 40 years since we opened our refuge in North Devon – today the county’s only remaining refuge for victims of domestic abuse. We’ll be celebrating our 40th birthday all year long and you’re invited to join in, so make a note of these dates

SPREAD THE LOVE February 1

POP UP SHOP March 7

Our answer to the Ice Bucket Challenge: write three reasons why you love him/her on a Post-it note and stick it on their forehead. Take a picture, post it on Facebook and tag them – the first time they’ll read the note is when they see the picture! Nominate three friends to do the same and also donate to NDADA. To find out more, search for ‘Friendsof NDADA’ on Facebook.

Come along and check out our Nearly New 4 Kids pop up shop at Roundswell Community Centre next to Sainsbury’s, from 10.30am to 12.30pm.

This is the largest dedicated sale of quality secondhand ‘kidsanalia’ for ages 3–11 in the county.

Information for sellers at NN4kidsNdevon@gmail. com. All proceeds go to NDADA.

FREEDOM FLOWERS Summer 2015

WALK A MILE IN THEIR SHOES June 27 For this sponsored walk, men walk in women’s shoes and women in men’s. It’ll be fun and we’ll also have a moment for reflection on how life might be in their place. Email admin@ndada.co.uk to find out more.

A NIGHT OF COMEDY September Laugh the night away while raising funds for NDADA this September. Sign up to our newsletter at www.ndada.co.uk for updates and details.

Take part in craft workshops throughout the summer to make 4000 white flowers using a range of media – anything from felt to clay, or recycled materials. The flowers will form an art installation in Barnstaple during Domestic Violence Week in November.

For more about this or other activities, register for our newsletter at www.ndada.co.uk or email admin@ndada.co.uk

REFUGE 1975 PHOTO EXHIBITION

PETAL LAUNCH

September

Join us to scatter petals into the River Taw in memory of those who have suffered abuse, starting from The Square, Barnstaple to mark the start of Domestic Violence Week in November. Also this month is the NDADA Annual General Meeting.

Photographer Christine Voge brings her show, which was recently exhibited at The Women of the World Festival at London’s South Bank, to North Devon in partnership with Erin Pizzey.

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