Them | Issue 03

vol.77 issue.03

the them issue

“IF I DIDN'T DEFINE MYSELF FOR MYSELF, I WOULD BE CRUNCHED INTO OTHER PEOPLE'S FANTASIES FOR ME AND EATEN ALIVE.” AUDRE LORDE

contents weekly content 4. Letters 6. News 1 5 . V U WS A 37. Arts 4 3 . O d d s an d E n d s

columns 1 6 . R a m b l i n g s o f a F all e n H a c k 17. The Intrepid VC Guilford 18. C B T 1 8 . M Ä o r i M at t e r s 19. Bent 1 9 . D i no c o p 3 2 . S p o r t s B an t e r w i t h S a m m y P 3 3 . M e al s an d F e e l s w i t h E v e 3 3 . C on s p i r a c y C o r n e r 3 4 . S h i r t an d S w e e t w i t h E l e ano r M e r t on 3 5 . T h e B on e Z on e w i t h C u p i e H oo d w i n k 3 7 . A r t i c ula t e d S p l i n e s 37. Weird Internet Shit

features 1 4 . I n t e r v i e w w i t h GC V C 2 1 . I n d i g e nou s G e e k s 24. Writing Schindler 26. People Experiencing Homelessness 3 0 . S t an d i n g U p r i g h t H e r e

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the them issue

This issue is about people who we hear of, but rarely hear from. Them.

Others. Outcasts. The marginalised and disaffected.

H

umans are social animals. It’s a sad fact that our need to form groups results in the exclusion of those we deem unfit to be part of the club. Our groups are formed based on similarity: we identify with others who share our likes, our hobbies, our worldview. But we also define ourselves in opposition to others. We emphasise who we are, as well as who we are not.

The concept of ‘us’ and ‘them’ causes real harm to people. It silences those individuals that society considers to be ‘them’.

We do not use the term ‘them’ in order to engage in an act of othering. Instead, we aim to elevate the stories of those who are othered and draw attention to the pernicious process of othering.

As a nation, we decide what we want our culture to be, and treat those who do not act accordingly as second-rate. Penny Gault examines the effect this has on Māori. Stereotypes of Māori are created and repeated in the media: they’re dumb, they’re violent, they’re poor. At the same time, the media appropriate aspects of Māori culture and use them to represent ‘us’: the haka and koru are Kiwi symbols. But child abuse, domestic violence, and lack of education are Māori-specific issues.

On a more personal level, Preya writes movingly about being an Indian immigrant in New Zealand. For her, she feels neither ‘Kiwi’ nor ‘Indian’. The process of othering is so rigid that she

lives in limbo. It’s a disconcerting feeling to simultaneously be a part of many cultures, while not belonging to any particular one.

Philip McSweeney interviewed some people experiencing homelessness in Wellington. It’s hard to think of a more marginalised group in society. His feature explains something which is obvious, but which we too often forget: these people may live different lives with different motivations and ambitions, but at a basic level, they’re human just like us.

We want to highlight the absurdity of othering. It’s bizarre to shun people based on one aspect of their personality. It obviously harms them, but it harms ‘us’ too. If we disregard all homeless people or queer people or people of different races, then we will never get to know them. We’ll never find out that, actually, we share a lot of interests. We have the same sense of humour, the same hopes and fears and emotions. It’s our loss when we forget that every person is an individual, made up of millions of different traits. To judge people on just one is ridiculous.

The aim of this issue is to challenge us to think twice about the way we dismiss people. For us to perhaps talk to homeless people before we shun them. To be sensitive to those who come from other backgrounds or cultures. To be conscious of the fact that we engage in othering, and examine the way we do it.

Hopefully, this issue, in some small way, achieves those goals.

L ove ,

Du nc an & Cam

www.salient.org.nz

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LETTER of the

Swept off our feet

WEEK

SEND US YOUR CV!

Dear sometimes-magazine-sometimeshelpful-household-utensil, This morning I happened to be sweeping the mounting piles of rubbish on my kitchen floor when I realised I had a dilemma. Due to my green-ness as a new ‘flattie’ (God help me for using the term), we have yet to acquire a brush and shovel in our spacious and luxurious inner-city apartment/hole. It was then that I noticed a recent copy of your ‘magazine’ sitting benignly on my coffee table. Through a stroke of genius I came upon a way of making Salient of actual use to Victoria University students. I proceeded to rip off the front cover to use as a make-shift shovel to my broom, thus allowing me to effectively clean my kitchen/concrete-slab.

So here is my thank you Salient Magazine, may Stella and Molly roll a little less in their editors’ graves this week in the news that some good has come of your hopeful-but-not-quite-there-yet attempts at a magazine.

Love, Recycling/Hygiene Conscious Salient Scooper

I like it hard and dirty. The messier the better. Last night I was expecting to even take it up a notch and do three of them at a time. Call me a slut, go on, I like that.

Dear Salient, Your design is so good it makes the writing look shit. Hire a less talented designer, you need all the help you can get.

Yours, Vincent Connare

I showered beforehand, preperared in advance excpecting the most stimulating time of my week. But, because of you, I was in for utter disappointment.

04 463 6766 xo

Racist Hey Salient, whatever that means.

I’m so incredibility glad I picked up your shit stain of a journal, its great. After all there is nothing better than having your day ruined because one person decided that it was a good idea to go ahead and print the whole front cover of the latest issue in a jet black ink because sure, that’s going to not get everywhere.

I mean, by covering your weekly addition with that tar-filth that came from my mothers tit-crack. Its like your actually promoting students to go around and cover the white campus pillars in handprints and on my bloody white phone case which costed me $45 dollars, that’s like half a lap-dance at a strip-club to put it in retrospective.

I’m already broke as fuck, because I cant get away with child tickets any more.

So thanks Salient.

You make life as easy as child-birth. xoxo

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the them issue

Your Sudoku puzzles were just not hard enough. Do you know what it feels like to be aroused and ready, only to be let down by your incompetence? I wanted to enjoy my time solving them, savouring every bitter-sweet second of the grinding process until an explosive finish among ink blotches and pencilled-in numbers. But alas, they were all finished in mere minutes and I was left unsatisfied and blue.

I’m sure there are pills to make Sudoku puzzles harder. Use them.

-Disappointed Sudoku lover puzzles harder. Use them.

-Disappointed Sudoku lover

KNOW YOUR MIND Dear Salient, Do you even exist? Ever since I read Philip’s article about hyper-reality I’ve been asking this question of every person I meet.

Now I have no friends, because everyone says “no”. I’d be embarrassed, but I’m basically in the Matrix and how would that ever be embarrassing? I’ve started wearing a leather trench coat and sunglasses my mum wore in the 90s.

Congratulations on being an excellent figment of my imagination.

Keep riding that roller coaster, Neo

Dear Salient, I’m trying to think of something nice to say about the last issue. All I can think of though is that Duncan and Cameron make shit robots.

Sorry, that’s not nice.

Um… Duncan’s cute? Is he single? (call me) xx

We are the 99% Dear Salient, I came across your resident “conspiracy” theorist’s piece on why Wolf of Wall Street didn’t win the Oscar and spat out my Merlot in disgust. As if we poor affluenzaafflicted folk didn’t have enough on our always full plates already, here comes this liberal mudslinger telling me that DiCaprio is unworthy of being rewarded for his acting? For doing justice to an American hero? For Fox News sake, here we have the first movie since The Fountainhead to give representation to hard-working American white men striving under a government that seeks to steal their honestly earned cash, and you have the gall to discredit it as “psychopathic” and self-congratulating?

Your anti-capitalist sentiments offend me and to my mind are equivalent to the invasion of Poland by Germany.

Insincerely yours, Mann Goldsachs, Dictated but not read

The letter of the week wins a coffee from VicBooks.

Send letters to editor@ salient.org.nz

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PEOPLE OF LAST WEEK A s S alient went to print , hopes of finding the missing M alaysia A irlines aircraft were fading as V ietnam and M alaysia found nothing in the areas where C hinese satellite images had shown debris . T he plane , with 239 people on board , went missing early on S aturday 8 M arch ( local time ). T he international search so far has covered over 92,600 sq km and involved 39 aircraft and 42 ships . T here were two N ew Z ealand passengers : X imin W ang and P aul W eeks .

BY THE NUMBERS

19 4 days between

J ohn K ey

announcing the election , and the

election date for

2014.

$22,000 D onghua L iu to the N ational P arty G overnment minister lobbied for him to get N ew Z ealand citizenship .

donation made by after a

$28,000 street value of a gram of

2.4 %

P.

24 %

to

the disputed price increase on power bills in

NZ. E ither

way , you ’ ll be paying more .

6579 people held by the

A ustralian

government in closed

immigration detention facilities as of including

1428

5 S eptember 2013,

children .

200,000 A ustralia and N ew Z ealand who will be H epatitis C when a new drug is made available , hopefully by the end of 2014.

people across cured of

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the them issue

K een

eye for news ?

S end

any tips , leads or gossip to

15 7 5

news @ salient . org . nz

NEWS GET IN-TERNATIONAL STUDENTS, OR GET OUT?

I n t e r na t i onal confirmed full - fee

A ll confirmed

SAC +

students

EFTS

for

1575

2013:

students full - fee

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for

16,918

2013 –

$30.2 MILLION

LABOUR CONFUSED ABOUT TERTIARY EDUCATION STANCE

by Steph Trengrove

T

he Labour Party has distanced itself from outspoken MP Shane Jones’ comments on international students, but its policy remains unclear.

Speaking at a debate at the University of Auckland last Thursday night, Jones said the emphasis on seeking enrolments from feepaying students from Asia meant that New Zealand students were being disadvantaged.

“I believe a university should be a storehouse of knowledge, not a foreign warehouse. Universities have to serve Kiwis first,” Jones said.

Labour Spokesperson for Tertiary Education Grant Robertson expressed disagreement, telling Salient he thought Jones “went too far in his comments.”

“We support international students coming to universities in New Zealand because we think they add much to our educational system,” Robertson said.

However, he added that Labour was concerned that universities were “increasingly reliant on international students for revenue because of declining income from government.”

“Chasing down more and more international students should not be such a big focus for universities.”

This comes in direct contradiction to comments made by Labour’s spokesperson for Export Education Raymond Huo. Huo attacked Minister for Tertiary Education Steven Joyce, saying he “needs to pick up his game” in attracting fee-paying international students.

“We must be proactive in capitalising on the opportunities that booming Asian economies has for attracting international students to study here,” Huo said.

The confusion comes amid reports that Mr Jones was reprimanded

by Labour leader David Cunliffe for straying into other MPs’ areas of responsibility.

VUWSA President Sonya Clark told Salient that she disagreed with Mr Jones’ comments, saying that the way in which the funding model works means that local students are “not in competition” with those from overseas.

P redicted

revenue from international students in

2013:

$30.2 P redicted

m i ll i on

revenue from domestic students in

$76.8

2013:

m i ll i on

WHAT THEY’RE SAYING S hane J ones : “I don’t want to have a situation where there is no room for Kiwis at the intellectual inn.”

S teven J oyce : “Well, I think it’s a bit of madness from a guy who’s supposed to be about economic development and actually increasing the number of jobs in New Zealand. I don’t [think there are too many international students in New Zealand], and I look forward to increasing the number.”

V ictoria U niversity Y oung N ats C hair J oel R owan : I don’t agree with Shane Jones. It’s also a strange thing for a Labour MP to say. Sounds more like the antiimmigrant stuff NZ First usually comes out with. I would be concerned if Kiwi students were being shut out of universities but there is no evidence of this.

Y oung L abour : Could not be reached for comment. :(

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7

NEWS

DECREASE SEES THESES CEASE

BING GOES

POSTGRADS SUFFER POST CUTS

ROOM FOR ACTIVITIES AT VUWSA

by Sofia Roberts

by Elise Munden

P

reliminary postgraduate enrolments at Victoria have dropped 13 per cent for 2014, but the University says it has not noticed a drop.

The drop comes in the wake of the introduction of cuts to postgraduate allowances. The cuts were announced in 2012’s Budget and implemented at the beginning of 2013.

Currently, postgraduate enrolments are the lowest they have been in five years. The University has said it has not noticed a drop in postgraduate enrolments. The current figures are not finalised, as postgraduate students doing research programmes can enrol throughout the year.

VUWSA President Sonya Clark said that, while numbers may yet go up, there was still an issue of equity raised by cutting allowances.

“Now we are starting to see the real effects

of this short-sighted policy,” Clark said.

Megan Irving, a Classics student Salient spoke to, stated that the allowance cuts would turn her off doing the postgraduate degree that she had planned to do.

“The drop comes in the wake of the introduction of cuts to postgraduate allowances. The cuts were announced in 2012’s Budget and implemented at the beginning of 2013.”

She said that the lack of financial support would make life hard for her, and as her postgraduate degree is offered by other universities, she would seriously consider moving somewhere else to study.

“There’s nothing keeping me here. If they keep cutting the budget, more people are just going to go elsewhere. So basically, they can just go suck a dick.”

2900

Number Of Postgraduate Enrolments

2850 2800 2750 2700 2650 2600 2550 2500 2450 2400 2010

2011

2012

Years 8

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2013

2014

O

nly two weeks into the university year, and one member of the VUWSA Executive has already quit in controversial circumstances.

Elizabeth Bing was elected Clubs and Activities Officer at the end of 2013 in a bid against two other candidates. In her letter of resignation addressed to President Sonya Clark, Bing stated that there was “simply not enough time in the day” to continue holding her position alongside her studies and other activities.

However, a phone interview with the former Clubs Officer revealed that a busy schedule was not the only reason for her resignation. She informed Salient that her decision was “very sudden because of the circumstances,” but that she was “unfortunately not allowed to comment” on the exact reasons due to it being “defamatory” towards VUWSA. Clark told Salient that Bing was having trouble following VUWSA policies, particularly regarding her use of social media. She had not kept in contact with Clark consistently, and had acted hastily in dealing with Clubs issues which needed more attention. Bing had also criticised a staff member at the University, for which Clark had reprimanded her.

A president of one of Victoria’s most popular clubs was reluctant to comment on the matter, saying only that it is “quite a personal issue” which Elizabeth had “confided” in him about. Raewyn Clarke, employed by the University as Clubs Manager, also did not wish to comment on the situation, instead insisting it was a matter restricted to VUWSA. The Students’ Association has suffered a spate of resignations over recent years.

In 2012, two members of the executive resigned simultaneously in April, and the earliest resignation during the year prior to Elizabeth was also in March of 2006.

President Sonya acknowledges this recent history, saying that: “being on the Exec is a full-on job, and it can be a challenge to manage study, work and VUWSA.” Sonya also considers Elizabeth’s resignation as showing “maturity and self-reflection.”

Bing confirms that she is far from finished with her involvement in University clubs, but believes that she can “do a lot more behind the scenes” in this department.

NEWS

A RAT IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE BAR MORGAN SWAPS CATS FOR RATS, PAYS STUDENTS TO TRAP

by Sophie Boot

V

ictoria students will be able to swap dead rats for beer, in a promotion funded by high-profile philanthropist Gareth Morgan.

To take part in the promotion, named ‘Beer Trap’, students will hand dead rats into the School of Biological Sciences at Victoria, and get a $7 Hunter Lounge voucher in exchange. This can be used for any of the drinks available at The Hunter Lounge.

Beer Trap will run for six weeks. It is being run by the VUW Science Society in partnership with The Hunter Lounge and Enhancing the Halo, a project of the Morgan Foundation.

The promotion was launched at 7 pm last Thursday evening at The Hunter Lounge. 50 traps were available to be handed out to keen students at the launch with another 50 to be handed out later.

Gareth Morgan spoke at the launch, along with representatives from the Science Society and The Hunter Lounge.

The dead rats will be frozen and used by postgraduate students in a research project on the population dynamics and feeding habits of urban rats.

Jonathan Musther, president of the Science Society, said that there had been an “awful lot of interest” in the project, and it would be interesting to see whether that translated into students trapping rats.

Students spoken to by Salient were divided on the issue. Some were willing to be involved, but thought it would be “inconvenient to bring a dead rat to uni.” Many were unaware of the promotion, and some thought it would mean dead rats being brought into The Hunter Lounge.

Member of the Victoria University group VegVUW Maddie Judge said on the group’s Facebook page that rats were a “convenient scapegoat” for environmental destruction.

“I would argue that lot of hostility towards ‘pests’ implicitly serves to assuage the guilt we feel about how much we have impacted the environment... Instead of trying to get the general public to kill animals for dissection, perhaps they could think about moving towards computer simulations,” Judge said.

Musther said it was a “tough ethical issue,” but “most of the population have accepted that in order to protect native wildlife.”

“If it goes well, we will hopefully run it again in the second trimester,” Musther said.

25 MILLION NATIVE BIRDS KILLED BY RATS, STOATS AND POSSUMS EVERY YEAR

100 TRAPS GIVEN OUT BY VUW SCIENCE SOCIETY

$7 VALUE OF HUNTER LOUNGE VOUCHER YOU’LL GET IN EXCHANGE FOR A DEAD RAT

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NEWS

Last May, Minister for Tertiary Education Steven Joyce said anyone with loan debt exceeding $15,000 who had not responded to IRD requests for repayment could expect to qualify.

There are 101,095 overseas-based borrowers, who form the majority of all borrowers with overdue repayments. It remains STUDENT LOAN DEFAULTERS IN DANGER unclear how many will be affected by the policy.

A spokeswoman for Steven Joyce said the arrest policy is

by Simon Dennis targeted towards the worst offenders, “and as a result, we are not tudents who have seriously defaulted on their student loans planning on making a large number of arrests.” will be arrested at the New Zealand border, but the IRD still The police have their own concerns about the new policy. won’t tell us what ‘serious default’ means.

The police statement in the Regulatory Impact Statement (RIS) The Student Loan Scheme Amendment Bill will come into said that police were concerned about negative “operational and effect on 1 April this year after passing its third reading in reputational impacts.”

Parliament on 6 March.

It also suggested border arrests would The policy states that for the most make police look like IRD debt-collection serious loan-defaulters, arrest warrants agents, and added that border arrests would 101,095 will be obtained and police will have the be too difficult given the nature of airports. overseas-based borrowers right to arrest people at the border. Those Police currently have 37,000 outstanding Total student loan debt is prosecuted in court could face a fine of up arrest warrants, and the statement made $13 billion to $2000. it clear that student-loan arrest warrants Overseas-based borrowers are The IRD has continued to withhold the would take a lower priority. responsible for exact threshold for when somebody is in Adding to the arrest-warrant policy, 80 % serious default. borrowers with loan balances of over of overdue student loan debt – In a Policy Report from 26 July, the $45,000 will have their payment rates $411.5 million IRD stated that publicising the criteria increased from 1 April. would undermine the policy’s effectiveness Opposition MPs and NZUSA have Every $1 spent on debt recovery by “enabling borrowers to circumvent the argued that the changes will lead to lower translates to $11 debt collected criteria, weakening the deterrent effect of enrolment figures and higher debt. the policy.”

OVERSEAS, OVERDRAWN, OVER HERE

S

REFERENDUM FLAGGED

He said that Key’s timing “shows that he’s keen not to talk about the issues that really matter to New Zealanders.”

Key said the current flag reflects a colonial era, “whose time has NEW DESIGNS TO GO TO THE POLES passed,” and a new flag should be introduced to reflect “the evolution

by Emma Hurley of modern New Zealand”.

However, he remains in favour of New Zealand’s ties to the ew Zealand could have a new flag by 2017, and all New monarchy.

Zealanders would be able to vote on the matter and submit “Our status as a constitutional monarchy continues to serve us design proposals. well.”

On 11 March in the Hunter Council Chamber, John Key announced plans to hold a referendum on whether to keep or replace the current flag.

He suggested a two-stage referendum be held in the next parliamentary term, provided that the National Government is reelected.

Firstly, a new flag design would be voted on from three or four options. Next, the public would vote to either introduce the winning design or keep the existing flag.

Labour and the Greens would both support a referendum on the flag, but David Cunliffe has questioned the timing of the announcement.

N

Salient’s suggested flag 10

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NEWS

EYE ON EXEC REPUBLICANS TO WIN MAJORITY IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES IN 2014 ELECTIONS

89%

DEMOCRATIC PARTY CANDIDATE TO BE ELECTED US PRESIDENT IN 2016

56%

REPUBLICAN PARTY CANDIDATE TO BE ELECTED US PRESIDENT IN 2016

44%

HILLARY CLINTON TO BE DEMOCRATIC PARTY NOMINEE FOR THE 2016 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

72%

ANDREW CUOMO TO BE DEMOCRATIC PARTY NOMINEE FOR THE 2016 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

V

UWSA’s third Executive meeting was significantly more interesting than the last, with the resignation of an Exec member, the datesetting of VUWSA’s Initial General Meeting, and an O-Week Debrief.

There was preliminary discussion of general business, including the revelation that Victoria’s new Vice-Chancellor Grant Guilford is ‘down with the kids’ and wants to hang out with the VUWSA Exec. Sonya’s President Report lead to chat about the upcoming University Challenge, and the recent devastating Wi-Fi outage across University campuses.

The draft minutes of the Publications Committee, which runs student media such as Salient and the VBC, were received. This lead to discussion around the gradual decline of the VBC, and how VUWSA is handling the legal issues around assuming control of the VBC Trust.

The meeting moved on to setting the date for the Initial General Meeting. This is especially important as this will be held in conjunction with the election of a new Clubs Officer, the previous Officer having quit earlier that day. Sonya assured Salient that there would be free pizza, and the date was set for 26 March at 1 pm. Sonya also assured Salient that her “dazzling audited accounts will bring all the boys to the yard.” Salient will monitor this closely.

VUWSA then discussed flu shots (free! In April!) and O-Week. Overall, the Exec felt that O-Week had gone well, with hash browns having been a particularly wise investment.

The meeting came to an end with the resignation of Elizabeth Bing, and the Executive’s scramble to respond in what Sonya termed “the most legit way possible.” What this entails is Sonya taking over the responsibilities for the next two weeks, as by-elections are expensive and generally have poor turnout.

Read more about Elizabeth Bing’s potentially scandalous resignation in Salient’s news section.

13%

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NEWS

NEWS OF THE WORLD

BY HENRY COOKE

A

trio of Canadian porn channels have been fined for not featuring enough Canadian content. In the socialist paradise of Canada, each channel is required to fill their broadcasts with at least 35 per cent Canadian content – eight and a half hours a day for a 24-hour channel. The channels declined to comment, but presumably thought that Who’s Nailin’ Paylin?, set in Alaska, would totally count. Surprisingly, Canadian porn not only exists, but exists in abundance, with industry heavyweights Brazzers and Mile High Media both headquartered in Montreal. The channels only missed their mark by a matter of minutes, but were also fined for failing to provide closed captioning (for the hearing impaired) and audio descriptions (for the visually impaired). “We currently do not air any programming that would require Audio Description,” explained representative Jennifer Chen to the regulators, obviously not grasping the viral video potential.

I

n other Canadian sex news, a charity is attempting to build a moose sex corridor. While Nova Scotia features a healthy moose population of 39,000, nearby New Brunswick has under 1000, and modern civilisation has prevented any of them from migrating for sex. Enter the ‘Moose Sex Project’, a charity initiative joining up 20,000 acres of land in an attempt to create a safe corridor for unsafe moose-sex. “It’d be nice if some New Brunswick moose go over and make friends in Nova Scotia,” explains interspecific wingman Andrew Holland, of the Nature Conservancy of Canada.

Further south, a new San Francisco startup is flying New York women to the West Coast, attempting to fix the gender gap in Silicon Valley. So far, they lack charity status.

I

n other adult animal news, vets in Australia have saved a dog’s life by taking him on a 48-hour vodka binge. Charlie, a Maltese terrier, was rushed to an emergency vet with ethylene glycol poisoning, probably from drinking brake fluid. “I can stop any time I want,” slurred the dog, before apologising for that terrible pun. “In Australia, the only antidote we have is alcohol,” explained staff from the vet, who live in a country with more poisonous animals than any other. Charlie vomited a little, asked for a VB, and passed out at various times, but made it out alive.

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SLOW NEWS WEEK

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13

GRANT GUILFORD T H E G C Last Tuesday afternoon, Salient had a chat with our new Vice-Chancellor, Grant Guilford. Turns out he’s quite a legend.

We joined Professor Guilford in his office in the Hunter Building. There was still a sense that Guilford had not quite moved in. The room was sparsely decorated. The bookshelves and cabinets were empty. There was no mess of stationary and paperwork. He had not yet made it his.

He bounded over to us when we arrived. We were greeted with a reference to the satirical Salient column ‘The Intrepid VC Guilford’. “I left my Aviators and boots at home,” he joked.

We were flattered. “Good to see you’ve been reading the magazine.”

Salient: A lot of students don’t know what a Vice-Chancellor is, and think he’s just a boring old white man. Are you a boring old white man?

Grant: Well, I am an old white man (LOLZA). I like to think I’m not boring. I lead life to the full so there’s never a wasted hour. When I’m not working I’m doing stuff I really love, I’m in the bush. Our family’s got a couple of blocks of native bush that we look after. I’m a trout fisherman. I love getting out and listening to music and that sort of stuff. I really have a lot of joie de vivre. In terms of the management of the University, is it a lot of boring stuff? Yes. Grant is an enigma. He’s part Kiwi bloke, part hippy, part science nerd, part prudential manager.

He’s humble and self-effacing. He pronounces the word government ‘gummint’. We asked what his strengths were: I do try to be, and have a reputation for being, strategic. I’m a Kiwi, so I don’t like to say these things, but people like to tell me that I can be reasonably inspirational. I’m uncomfortable about saying it myself, but that’s what people say.

He’s very in tune with Māori culture and national identity. He says

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things like: “To take a Māori whakapapa perspective”. He knows what ‘kaitiaki’(guardianship) and ‘mana’ (prestige) mean. And he pronounces ‘Māori’ correctly. He also wants to change the flag: “Yes I would. I would like to see Māori heritage.”

You learn very quickly that Grant is passionate about the environment.

I have a real strong sense of conservation and environmental ethics.

I have a real kinship with our fellow travellers in evolution. Being a biologist, the evolutionary side is very close to me. I think we have a moral and ethical duty to our fellow travellers that come through with us.

He calls animals “fellow travellers in evolution”(!!!). If he hadn’t been a head of Veterinary Sciences (in which he has a degree) at Massey, then the Dean of Science at Auckland Uni, and now the VC, you could almost call him a hippy.

S: How do you get to work?

I’ve got a little electric car. A Volt. I plug into the wall socket at home overnight. That gives about 80 km–worth of driving, which covers all my Wellington driving. When I want to go out into the country, it’s got a little petrol motor that acts as a generator that keeps the battery going so you can do 600 km. I’ve driven Wellington to Auckland and back a couple of times.

Definitely a hippy.

But then he leaned over, eyebrows raised, voice lowered and conspiratorial, all between-you-and-me-like and said: The other thing, though, is that it’s not a pussy car. It gets up and goes. *macho eyebrow raise* You put your foot down and it really really shoots off.

Classic Kiwi bloke. But the best was yet to come: S: Around one in five people smoke pot. Have you ever smoked pot?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah. In my uni days. I stopped once I got into working life. I wasn’t a big smoker, but I did smoke from time to time.

Once I got working, I found the ability to snap into work mode on a Monday was compromised.

S: That’s why a lot of students miss Monday-morning lectures.

Grant’s a man to call a spade a spade. He’s straight-up.

T H E QUICK QUESTIONS: S: Favourite meal?

I’m not much of a chef I’m afraid. I’m a fishpie kind of guy – my mother taught me when I first went flatting.

S: Favourite drink?

A Central Otago Pinot is my favourite.

S: Favourite movie?

Not really. I watch videos with my wife and she picks them. I suppose The Matrix is up there.

S: Favourite sport?

I spent 20 years as a rugby player and I still enjoy that. I’m more of a get-out-in-the-bushand-go-tramping kind of guy.

S: What do you do for lunch?

I head over to Vic Books.

S: Favourite Vic campus?

Kelburn obviously at the moment, because that’s where the history is. But I am going to create a room down at the Pipitea campus in the top of Rutherford House. We’re going to find a room and tart it up a bit.

S: Top three hobbies?

My top three are basically kaitiaki (Māori word expressing the concept of guardianship over the sky, the sea, and the land). I’m never happier than when I’m in the bush, ripping out gorse.

I like to trout fish. Getting over and fly fishing in Nelson Lakes where no one can get to you – it’s the river, it’s the wildlife, it’s the sound, it’s the light. It’s my stress-relief, my happy place.

My third is not really a hobby, but I love getting family and friends around dinner and shooting the breeze.

Sam the Eagle from The Muppets.

Look it up. Resemblance is uncanny.

On the university’s place in society: - A university education is partly a public good – students will be going out into communities as welleducated problem-solvers and critical thinkers. If we don’t have bright young people, social and business entrepreneurship falters and we don’t go forward as a country.

- Even though it’s early days in my tenure here, I need to be out there saying stuff. I want people in this university to be saying stuff. Universities are the critic and conscience of NZ society. We have to lead thinking.

On the importance of Humanities: - As a government and as a community, you have to listen to the fact that the humanities are precious.

No one has been making that case well enough.

- Our big strength is Law, humanities and the social sciences. We help shape the national identity, which is why humanities are important. Science and Engineering are important too, but they can’t subsume the humanities. We will grow Science and Engineering but not at the expense of the humanities.

- If science is going to have a place in the community, it can only do so through people.

- It’s going to be hard to maintain what we’ve got.

But I’m determined to maintain what we’ve got, I’m determined to make sure the Government sees the value of it all.

On the Government’s plan to remove guaranteed student representation on the governing bodies of universities: - I think representational governance in a university is critically important, in particular the student voice on those councils. I am determined to ensure that we’ve got a good student voice there. If the Government carries on and we no longer have a legislated seat for students, then there’s no way as Vice-Chancellor I would countenance not having a student voice there. I feel very strongly about it, because you want the knowledge of students so you can know the impact of your decisions on that

V C group of people.

- We’ve got to ask a difficult question about who the main client of the university is. The impression you get from the Government’s tertiary-education strategy is that the employer is the main client. I don’t think so. Education’s not just about employment readiness.

- Success as a university is not just measured in money terms; it’s about a sense of self-worth.

On his plans for Vic’s future: - Coming in here, it seemed to me that we are a capital-city university and that gives us a big influence in other global capital universities. If we can get that, we can massively magnify the impact we’re going to have on the world. That’s the cornerstone of it: let’s use our status as a capital-city university as an advantage. When we expand our influence, when we expand our reputation, we expand our rankings.

This all flows back to our graduates in terms of the esteem in which they’re held.

On cutting courses: - No one is owed a living. If you’re a staff member at this university and your courses are in an area that is not attracting any student interest, not attracting any research grants, then you have to ask yourself why this university should continue to support you. You have to take responsibility for your own future. Sometimes, I’ve just got to make these hard decisions and say we can’t keep cross-subsidising you from someone else. Because someone else has got to work harder to keep you going. Unfortunately, that will come up. But I’d rather we don’t have staff in that position in the first place.

So there you have it: Grant Guilford is a man of many talents. Environmentalist, passionate defender of the humanities, advocate for the student, prudential manager of the University. He may be an old white man, but he’s certainly not boring.

www.salient.org.nz

15

POLITICS

Parliamentary Sass of the Week Winston Peters to a heckling National Party back bench “Take a Valium, boys!”

R amblin gs o f a fallen hack

A

thin white band spanning a square of black. Papatūānuku and Ranginui at separation. The Long White Cloud. Simple, unadorned. A bit weird. Beautiful.

Last week, the Prime Minister announced that New Zealand will vote on a new flag – only to be drowned in the apathy of our elite.

“I would rather see us going for growth then having #flagchatz,” tweeted one notable hack.

From another: “John Key Legacy = New Flag! *assets not included”. The conclusion echoing through the caverns of power was simple: I shouldn’t care whether the most basic symbol of my home is a thing of meaning or a collection of colonial relics.

We’re told real change lies not in the symbols flying atop the Beehive but in the symbols we read when we open our monthly power bill.

We understand what it means to save $30 on electricity. But from where comes the impact of an image? We could spin something about a revitalised brand supporting businesses’ search for another export market. We could say a renewed national spirit will bring more Kiwis home from their OEs or help us get to election-day polling booths. Unfortunately, it probably won’t. The New Zealand story is complicated, driven as much by tax-dodging cereal manufacturers as it is by conscious decision. A flag is an idea, and without a concrete legacy, ideas suffocate in the stranglehold of pragmatism.

But that lack of a legacy doesn’t matter.

Knowing who we are is a thing of innate

value, a thing we celebrate whenever we watch Shorty or perform a drunken (and probably racist) ‘Poi E’. Culture exists and we care, even though we don’t always know why.

When we talk about flags, we talk about something we understand. We really have no idea about the electricity spot market or gentailer governance. When forced to form an opinion on regulatory environments, all we can do is listen to experts who inevitably disagree and sheep along with whatever party we would have voted for anyway. The flag debate is different. We know what it means to see ourselves within an image; we can reject the cartoon of a sauce-splattered pie without assistance.

And if nothing else, the flag discussion will allow an overdue conversation. Our colonial legacy, our ties to the motherland, the oppression those ties have brought and the cultures that they have created. Within the drama of our political cycles it’s rare to pause, to consider the meaning of a country founded by the speed of sail in a world flashing at the speed of fibre.

The great irony of Kiwi pragmatism is that it’s incapable of celebrating itself. Let’s have that celebration. When we talk about flags, we talk about the narrative within which our politik fights. Debating the flag is not a waste of my democracy. Who we are still matters.

by Jade d’Hack

16

the them issue

Top 5 Ministerial Sackings Under This Government 1. John Banks – Fired for allegedly breaching electoral law. Also, has stunning memory issues.

2. Nick Smith – Wrote a character reference for an ACC claimant to ACC… while Minister for ACC. 3. Pansy Wong – Helping her husband further his business interests on a taxpayer-funded trip to China.

4. Richard Worth – Lied to the PM about using his Ministerial post to further his business interests.

5. Phil Heatley – Purchased Burger King and wine on his Ministerial credit card. Who doesn’t love a Whopper though?

In the House This Week 1. Electoral Amendment Bill – Will make voting more difficult.

2. Industry Training and Apprenticeships Amendment Bill – Implements the findings of the industry training review undertaken by the Government in 2011 and 2012.

3. Land Transport and Road User Charges Legislation Amendment Bill – This bill proposes amendments to the Land Transport Act 1998 and the Road User Charges Act 2012.

B y J o r d a n M c C lu s k e y

COLUMN

The I ntrepi d V C G u i lf o r d E p i s o d e 3 : U p t h e N u n g R i v e r

G

uilford breathed in deeply. “I love the smell of Uni in the morning… it smells like…

What is that smell, Petersen?”

He was leaning back in his chair, feet on the partners desk in front of him (not that they were separate from the rest of him of course, they were still connected to his legs) and out of the window; he had been gazing at a cloud while the sun glimmered in his Aviators. Now he was giving Petersen a look of extreme distaste.

“Sorry sir, that was me,” said Petersen.

“Jesus Christ, warn me next time.”

“Yes sir.”

“I mean bloody hell Petersen, how are we going to infiltrate the student body if you go round bringing ya flatulence into everyone’s offices? It’s un-pro-fesh-nal.” He banged the desk with his fist. “But enough of that, what’s the sit-chu-ay-shun?”

“Casey has been looking for you.”

“Casey?”

“From admissions.”

“Hmm… Casey from ad-mish-uns, I’m afraid it’s not ringing any bells, Petersen.”

“Some might call her spiteful and bitter, sir.”

“Ah yes! Casey, the spiteful and bitter woman from admissions, of course. She’s looking for me? Well, if you see her, tell her I’m not here.”

There was a sharp knock at the door.

Petersen had scarcely reached for the handle when it burst open, revealing a pretty bitter (and spiteful) looking Casey.

“I want to talk to Guilford. Now.” “He’s not here, I’m afraid,” said Petersen, quite convincingly actually.

“I can see him. He is literally right there.

Behind you. In that ludicrous alligator chair.”

“Ack-shall-y, it’s technically crocodile skin,” Guilford added.

“Oh, so you are here now are you?”

“No, I’ve just popped out for a moment. Tell her, Petersen.”

“He’s just popped out for a moment.”

“See? I’m not here at all.”

“Look here, Guilford. I’ve got a major fucking issue to pick with you. Did you go behind my back and admit someone who barely managed to pass Level 1?”

“Only to Tourism, what’s the problem?”

“The problem is, Guilford, that we have a system in place for a reason. The Ministry requires University Entrance. For. A. Reason.

You check with me first before making an exception to that system. Do you understand?

This girl Arcadia-Rae. Why did you admit her?”

“Ah well, you see, y’know how we went to the Toga Party last week in search of our mole on the inside?”

“Ya-ha.”

For those just discovering Salient, and for those with short memories: I’ll remind you that VC Guilford’s plan to probe the student populace, for the betterment of education at Victoria, revolves around the recruitment of a non-partisan student to provide insider information on their wants and wishes.

Guilford continued: “Well that’s ArcadiaRae. But it came to our a-tent-shun that she wasn’t even enrolled. You can’t have a mole on the outside. A mole on the outside is as good as no mole at all. So I arranged for her to be inside.”

Casey swore some more and slammed the door on her way out.

“There’s something about her, Petersen, I can’t put my finger on the word to describe it.”

“Spiteful, sir?”

“Yes, and er, ah…”

“Bitter?”

“That’s the one. Y’know Petersen, I’m beginning to think that attending the Toga Party was more trouble than it was worth. First of all, our mole wasn’t even a mole, just a rabbit running around the farm like the rest of us.

Then I lost my toga and ended up in the nudz while escaping via the balcony. Lucky you got taken away by that bouncer, Petersen.”

“Sir?” “The Chancellor rang me to tell me my

conduct was object-shun-a-bul, so to speak.

I told him we were looking for a mole on the inside, he told me he’d heard you could find at least three on my arse. On top of all that, Petersen, I haven’t heard a bloody word from her since. You don’t think I’ve driven us up the wrong dog’s arsehole, figure-a-teev-lee speakin’?”

“Well sir, I might suggest that we—“ “God damn it, I know what you’re going to say Petersen, and you’re right. We have to continue forward with the operate-shun whether we want to or not. I’ve got a new plan: phase two. I’ve added Arcadia-Rae on Facebook under the pseudonym ‘Joshy Boy Josh’. We’re bound to get some gold out of her this way.

Come have a look Petersen, she’s online now.”

Guilford started a chat with Arcadia-Rae: - Hey - Hey - Wats up?

- Nm, just getting ready to go 2 shops, you?

- Gud shit lol, nah im not up 2 much aye.

- Do I know you?

- Nah nah lol just thought id add you haha.

Say, do you have any information on the student body? [emoji]

by Hugo McKinnon

www.salient.org.nz

17

COLUMN

C B T This i n s ta lme n t o f CBT wa s bro u g ht to yo u by catastro ph i c th i n k ing a nd a ssu m pt io ns t hat h ave not b e e n c h a ll e n g ed sinc e t he indiv idua l was a shit t y l i t tle e i g h t - yea r - o l d.

C

BT tells us that changing our thoughts can change our feels.

CBT tells us that changing our assumptions about ourselves and the world can change our thoughts.

CBT tells us that that the shitty individual in question magnifies the impact of negative experiences to extreme proportions and— I’m trying to get up, I can’t. It’s safe. My friends say that maybe I ‘just need to get up’, and I say, “Oh wow yes I’ll definitely try that!” I get up and I’m stomach-sick and some of my thoughts are um so wow, embarrassing, and why have you not yet learnt how to close your laptop lid before 3 am and just do some washing more often so you don’t have to wear underwear which itches and also, you’re boring. And I’m showering and if you are late to this lecture everyone else in the room will think that you are really slack and always late and thus are not worth much to them because you are nothing if you do not make the teacher love you lmao. They are always thinking about you, little obvious you. I’m dressing in a confused wool ensemble and rushing for the bus and I’m one minute late and the lecture theatre is closed already and I’m all you are really slack and you are not worth much to them. And so I’m nervous about entering and just avoid this terrible situation right now (trust me), leave now and you’ll feel better you’ll protect yourself (I promise). And so I’m walking to get a muffin, but you’re still boring. And I’m eating and wondering about my reaction to being late and where that came from. I’m thinking about my self-worth and if it is based on my teacher’s love for me and where that came from. I’m wanting to know what would happen if I figured this out. I’m wondering if I could be a bit more like Rihanna, not exactly Rihanna, but like Rihanna singing in ‘You Da One’, like singing her in my head, singing that, to myself. I’m wondering if I can say you the one that I think about always and you’re alright regardless of your lateness to myself, in my head, all the time, and— CBT tells us that changing our assumptions about ourselves and the world can change our thoughts.

Cog n i ti ve b e h av i o u r a l t her a py is a ta l k t herapy use d to tre at d i sru pt ive t hink ing , a s wel l as d i ag n o s e d me n ta l il l nesses. E ac h CBT c l ient will use i t i n th e i r ow n way, a nd st u dents w ho t hin k it could h e lp th e m c a n v isit St u dent H ea lt h.

BY JAN E T

18

the them issue

M AO R I M AT T E R S

‘U

s’ and ‘Them’. Sounds like, S&M. Or J&M’s. They’re practically synonymous, too, all involving at least pain and humiliation – no one can escape that salt-overload stomach ache our beloved post-town haunt brings, and you know everybody’s seen you walk in there – shame!

Anyway, I’ve got your attention now, so kia hoki au ki te kaupapa, let me come back down to earth!

I joke, but being defined by majority society as either ‘us’ or ‘them’ is an alarmingly unjust affair. Mainstream society can unwittingly cast judgment upon anyone who, for any reason premised by its group, represents some element of difference. Enough so, that they need to be defined as different, as if that element of difference defines them in totality. It’s the bondage mask of doom.

Us/them configurations are easily spotted, because they’re black and white: Black/White Outsider/Insider Māori/Pākehā Labourer/Intellectual I could go on. What’s tricky, though, is that it’s hard to know when you’re being defined as the ‘other’, and whether that treatment is intentional/unintentional, wanted/unwanted.

Kia mātaara mai, Māori mā. We are multidefinable people who exist in a vacuum of eternal them-ness. The daily grind of Māori students entails being involuntarily classified, unclassified and reclassified.

Already, many new tauira here this year have noted their being treated differently, because their appearance isn’t that of the stereotypically ‘us’ group. I myself am constantly defined by ‘us’ as ‘us’, because I’m academically adequate and white-skinned, features the ‘us’ group won’t allow Māori to possess as it can’t be a ‘them’ trait. But I am also ‘them’ because my opinions and bilingualism are atypical to those of majority New Zealand society. Ironically, majority us-and-themness is totally separatist, which majority culture hates.

Sadly, I have also been ‘classified’ in this way by Māori students over the years. On several occasions, Māori students have approached my social groups to ask for help. Upon offering said help, I am often refused, noticeably based on the assumption that due to my ahua Pakeha I am unable to relate, to help. Don’t get me wrong, our entire lives revolve around making judgments about people. I know that, I accept that.

Problems arise, though, when we allow our judgements to rationalise behaviour in our heads that we wouldn’t otherwise accept of ourselves.

No reira, e hika ma, in your daily lives as tauira Māori, majority society expects nothing from you but failure, and the occasionial equity-funding applications. But use that positively. Ko koutou katoa nga ihoiho o nga whatukura, o nga mareikura rangatira o ukiuki. If we refuse to be defined as dunces, we can only ever fail as giants, and in that there is true mana. Ki te tuohu koe, me maunga teitei.

BY Vini Olsen-Reeder

COLUMN

B E N T

I

n our first proper column, I could educate you all on “how queer sex actually works” or “how to have safe sex”, but hopefully you have already looked into this, or are going to soon! Instead, I have decided to choose a topic to which some of you may not have given much thought, something that influences the everyday queer uni student, whether they be in Otago or our own beloved Wellington. This is the extreme dominance of the personification of ‘gay’ as your typical white, gay, cisgendered male in the queer community.

In the past, many of the members of the UniQ executive have been white cisgendered males, as has nearly every writer for Bent (myself included). Why? As students, or everyday members of society, we are bombarded by the stereotype of a queer person being your typical ‘sassy’ gay (I’m looking at you, Glee). I have plenty of friends who fit or exemplify this stereotype, but the worst thing about this is that homosexual males take nearly all of the attention away from other groups who are just as needing of acknowledgement and awareness.

Women have been fighting for attention and equal rights in our society for a hell of a lot longer, and the gay community within them isn’t really any different. Lesbians are often categorised into two types – dykes and lipstick.

This is a terrible label because, as one finds out, lesbians are normal women (PEOPLE IN FACT?!) who just happen to like other women. Almost all of the information and sponsorship for the ‘queer community’ is more relevant for sex involving penis.

There is a substantial amount of information about bisexuality; however, there are also issues with stigmatisation (even in the queer community) about liking both genders. Some bisexuals say that it’s assumed you’re going to cheat – and you’re “either straight, experimenting, or a gay who’s not out of the closet”; others say they have been described as “selfish”.

Two of the lesser-heard-of ‘members’ of the queer community are asexuals and pansexuals. There is a lot of interesting information regarding the attraction (or lack thereof) these kinds of people have. As the year goes on, you will be more informed; however, the important things to remember are: asexuals have no sexual attraction (it’s possible!), but they are still capable of healthy functioning relationships! Pansexuals, on the other hand, are the kind of people where ‘personality is the most important thing’ isn’t a lie! Pansexuals can be attracted to many different groups and gender identities!

Also importantly, there are people who identify as trans*. It’s important to realise that being trans* is more an issue of your sex not matching with your view of yourself, rather than not fitting into society’s view of what female and/ or male should be (i.e. men liking cars and beer, and women enjoying shopping and raising children). Expect more information in later Bent columns, as this is all really interesting to learn.

As a group that aims to be inclusive, UniQ certainly has an overrepresentation of white ci-gendered gay males, but with more and more people coming along, visibility is on the rise for all facets of the queer community.

J o n ny Abbot t uniqvictoria@gmail.com

www.salient.org.nz

19

PRESIDENT’S COLUMN W

elcome to Week 3! With the Prime Minister visiting campus two weeks in a row, it looks to be a busy election year… In the meantime, there are other elections to get involved in.

Are you our next Clubs and Activities Officer?

Our lovely Clubs and Activities Officer, Elizabeth, has resigned to focus on the intensity of Law School. This leaves a crucial gap at VUWSA – are you our next Clubs and Activities Officer?

The CAO is a pretty important role – you’ll chair the VUWSA Clubs Council, the body of representatives of Sports and Cultural Clubs. The Clubs Council not only decides the allocation of grants funding, but provides overall direction to VUWSA and Victoria about what support Clubs need to be awesome. You’ll be a member of the VUWSA Executive, and have a big say over what VUWSA does, ensuring we are in tune with students. You’ll also get a weekly honorarium to thank you for the work that you do! Check out www.vuwsa.org.nz for more, or pop in to our office for an info sheet and nomination form. The election will be held at the Initial General Meeting on Wednesday 26 March.

Initial General Meeting + Special General meeting Next Wednesday, 26 March in the Hub at 1 pm, is the VUWSA Initial General Meeting.

The IGM is where, traditionally, the 2013 accounts and Annual Report are presented for approval by members. More importantly, it’s an opportunity for VUWSA members to raise issues or ask questions of the Executive, including the President. In typical VUWSA fashion, there will be plenty of free pizza for VUWSA members.

Microwaves VUWSA has just purchased TWELVE microwaves for use by students around campus.

Welfare Vice-President Rick is working out with the University exactly where they will be placed, but for now, we’ve got two microwaves in our kitchen at the VUWSA offices. Come and use them – but keep them clean!

Class Rep Trainings Class Rep? Signed up for a Class Rep training yet? These trainings are an opportunity to learn more about your role, about VUWSA and how we support you to raise issues or run class events.

You’ll need to attend training to be eligible for Vic Plus points! Email our Education Organiser, Jay, at jay.chhana@vuw.ac.nz to register:

Welfare Vice-President

K

BASIC TRAININGS KELBURN Monday, 17 March Tuesday, 18 March Monday, 24 March SU217–218 Wednesday, 26 March 310 Monday, 31 March Wednesday, 2 April

1–2 pm SU217–218 12–1 pm SU309–310 11–12 pm 10–11 am SU309– 2–3 pm SU309–310 5–6 pm SU217–218

PIPITEA Wednesday, 19 March RHLT3 Tuesday, 25 March RWW501

3.30–4.30 pm 10.30–11.30 am

TE ARO (Design and Architecture Programmes) Thursday, 3 April 10–11 am VS127 Thursday, 3 April 12.30–1.30 pm VS204

ADVANCED TRAININGS KELBURN Thursday, 27 March Friday, 28 March PIPITEA Wednesday, 26 March

2–3 pm SU218 3–4 pm SU218 3.30–4.30 pm RHLT3

Sonya M: 027 563 6986 | DDI: (04) 463 6986 E: onya.clark@vuw.ac.nz W: www.vuwsa.org.nz @sonya_NZ

ia ora, I’m Rick Zwaan, your Welfare VicePresident again this year.

In my unbiased opinion, Welfare VP is the best role on the Exec. I get to work on things that try to make your life just a wee bit better. From giving away free bread (Wednesday and Friday mornings from VUWSA reception) to campaigning for cheaper bus fares and healthier homes, VUWSA is here to help look after your welfare.

Another reason why I love my job is that I get to work with a fantastic team and interact with great staff around Uni. The Welfare Team consists of our enthusiastic Equity Officer, Maddy, and our wonderful Wellbeing and Sustainability Officer, Steph. We’re all passionate about supporting all students, but especially those who are marginalised by systemic issues within the University and community. We do our best to support rep groups which do a fantastic job at looking after the communities they represent.

We’re also working on shifting the culture within University to make it a safer space for disenfranchised groups to study at. An example of this is trying to change the Equity and Diversity Policy so it includes all minority groups – not just those with funding targets tied to them – and has a meaningful implementation strategy beyond waffly targets.

While there are still lots of systematic issues to address around Uni, there’re some amazing staff who work tirelessly to support students as best they can. The $680 you paid in your Student Services Levy this year goes towards a plethora of student services. You pay for them, so make the most of them.

Alongside the work we do on campus, we’re also focussed on how central-government policies affect us.

With the general election about six months away, I’m keen to make sure some of the big issues around student support and access to tertiary education are on the agenda. This year, we’ll be campaigning to universalise the availability of student allowances while in the meantime ensuring that the amount you can loan for living costs is actually enough to live on.

If you want these issues to be on the agenda, then it’s crucial that you enrol, update your address, and vote. As anyone who has taken POLS111, or even has a slightest political inkling, will know, the only thing that all politicians care about is votes.

Feel free to get in touch anytime if you have questions/ideas/gripes, or just want to have a chat.

Yours, R i c k Zwa a n M: 021 188 1705; DDI: (04) 463 7406; E: rick. zwaan@vuw.ac.nz; T: @RAZwaan

20

the them issue

FEATURE

Too many New Zealanders view Maori as ‘others’. But where does this “Iwi versus Kiwi” mindset come from? Penny Gault investigates, and finds that the media may be to blame.

www.salient.org.nz

21

FEATURE

G

oogle has stopped suggesting Māori are lazy. Traces of racial stereotyping of Pākehā and Māori were wiped from Google’s suggested results last week in accordance with Google’s removal policy for hate speech, following a complaint by Auckland University of Technology PhD scholar Steven Elers. Elers was appalled to find suggestions of “stupid”, “scum”, “lazy” and “violent” followed his search for “Maori are”. Google’s Autocomplete system uses a PageRank algorithm, which relies on popular search terms and related web content, to predict search results.

Despite this, results for “Kiwis are” have remained; Google suggests Kiwis are “dumb”, “racist”, “stupid” and “rude”. Irish are “drunks”. Chinese are “rude” and “cruel”.

So why is Elers outraged by searches relating to Māori? When interviewed by The New Zealand Herald, Elers said he was concerned about the negative way Kiwis viewed Māori. It’s unclear what Elers thought these changes would have on the perceived social problem of racist attitudes towards Māori. It’s questionable whether asking an international internet giant to sweep evidence of racial stereotyping under the carpet is really going to ‘solve’ anything.

US AND THEM Elers’ action raises an interesting question: what does it mean to be ‘Kiwi’? Elers’ concern about the way “Kiwis view Māori” suggests an answer in itself – that Māori are not inherently part of the ‘Kiwi’ identity, but instead are ‘the Other’.

At its most basic, ‘othering’ is a process whereby one group is able to identify themselves by referencing what they are not. In defining or shaping the Other, the producer of the representation constructs their identity by describing features that must deviate from the ‘norm’. The norm is otherwise unarticulated. By particularly identifying Māori, Elers suggests that Māori are a separate group, existing outside the bounds of his definition of the Kiwi norm.

However, as Senior Media Studies Lecturer at Victoria University Dr Jo Smith points out, the othering process is not so “cut-and-

22

the them issue

dried”. Instead, the relationship between “things Māori” and New Zealand as a nation is continuously negotiated. Of course, Māori are part of the nation. Often, the face of New Zealand on the global stage is a Māori face.

We can’t play rugby without performing a haka. John Campbell heralded Whale Rider as a great New Zealand film. And yet, despite this, mainstream media continues to privilege a non-Māori perspective as the norm, often presenting news stories (in particular) as being about Māori. Smith reflects that “sometimes that about-ness tends to stereotype Māori and put them in a box – sometimes as the savage, or as the romantic native.”

“MAORI NEWS IS BAD NEWS” The othering of Māori in mainstream news media, One News and 3 News being prime examples, occurs to such an extent that Senior Lecturer at the University of Auckland Dr Sue Abel has referred to it as “whitestream” media. Basically, according to Ranginui Walker, “Māori news is bad news.” Recent research has noted a general tendency in news media to depict Māori in ways that focus on violence, child abuse, and social deprivation. Such representations often draw on and reinforce recognisable stereotypes of the primitive, violent Other. In doing so, ‘whitestream’ media reaffirms a non-Māori perspective as the norm from which Māori apparently deviate.

A moment’s consideration of ‘New Zealand’ film inevitably draws a pretty bleak image. New Zealand cinema has struggled to avoid the stereotype of expressing a dark psyche. In The Piano, the physical landscape is dark and foreboding. Once Were Warriors involves that same notion of the cinema of unease, applying it to social deprivation. More recent New Zealand films, Taika Waititi’s Boy in particular, demonstrate a tendency to resist this thesis. Waititi sought to upset negative stereotypes in Boy, stating in a post-screening Q&A: “we get portrayed in two ways, like the [goons] in Once Were Warriors, or we get shown as the blue people in Avatar. I wanted to show that we are normal, awkward people – indigenous geeks.”

However, in that resistance, a level of engagement with the dark underbelly of New Zealand cinema is unavoidable.

Waititi attracted some criticism from Māori communities for repeating stereotypes. Dr Leonie Pihama, Senior Research Fellow at the University of Waikato’s Te Kōtahi Institute, after viewing the film in 2010, felt that Boy was just “a rural-based Once Were Warriors”, recognising several repetitions of stereotypes, including: Māori children who are neglected, live in poverty and have to struggle against parties and alcohol for dinner; Māori men who are clearly shown as useless, who lie, bludge, steal, party and smoke dope; Māori fathers who desert their whanau and return only to get what they can take; Māori women who are mean-spirited and bossy; Māori boys who supposedly adore their father but at first opportunity steal from them.

NOT ALL DOOM AND GLOOM But the fact that stereotypes are present isn’t necessarily ‘bad’. In order to get indigenous funding grants, it’s hard to get away from recognisable stories and stereotypes that have come to be understood as ‘Māori’ or ‘New Zealand’. Smith explains that economic realities and institutional histories contribute to the repetition of stereotypes, and therefore stereotypes should be considered in this context. “As a small nation within a global environment, often telling stories requires telling stories we already know.” Pihama argues that for Māori films to be supported in the New Zealand industry, “there remains an expectation that the film must not only be palatable to a non-Māori audience, but that it will, as with past films, continue to absolve any Pākehā contribution to the ongoing marginalisation and impoverishment of our people within contemporary New Zealand society.” It’s easier to recycle previously successful (economically, at least) stereotypes than to risk funding new stories which may be unpopular among non-Māori audiences.

FEATURE

To start diversifying representations of Māori, the stereotype – or the repetition of it – needs to be understood and presented within a wider, fleshed-out context. Media texts are communicative that generate Waititi sought to systems relationships and upset negative responses particular to stereotypes in Boy, the individual viewer.

Your interpretation of stating in a post- the latest episode of The screening Q&A: “we Walking Dead is going to be different from get portrayed in your flatmate’s. While two ways, like the it’s tempting to say that negative stereotypes on [goons] in Once Were the news make Māori feel Warriors, or we get like the Other, the reality is far more nuanced. We shown as the blue draw on a range of factors people in Avatar. to filter news stories films, including I wanted to show and our knowledge of other that we are normal, texts, our upbringing, awkward people – and the setting for our consumption, so indigenous geeks.” it’s arbitrary to draw a distinction between Māori and Pākehā and assert how each might respond to a text.

The variety of possible interpretations is prevalent in responses to Boy. While Pihama argues the film absolves Pākehā of marginalising Māori, I felt differently. In a scene where a pack of jabbering cyclists whizz across the bridge and past Boy teetering on the edge, Waititi reverses the othering process evident in news media, instead casting Pākehā as ignorant and self-absorbed. While this could fit with Pihama’s interpretation of absolving Pākehā of any involvement, it seems like an indictment on whitestream media’s ignorance of the nuances of reality.

A symposium held at Victoria University to discuss Boy in 2010 revealed a tension between the repetition of stereotypes and the use of comedy. A level of discomfort was expressed by some – concerned that when the audience laughed, they may have been laughing ‘at’ the Other, rather than ‘with’ the characters on-screen. This discomfort surely has consequences beyond the initial

moment of reception. How does the laughter at characters on-screen translate to social interactions off-screen? It’s potentially ostracising for those who identify with the characters on-screen. Or perhaps a level of discomfort is good, if it can spark some kind of discussion. Comedy gives us a ‘way in’ to talk about tricky social issues.

The advent of Māori TV in 2004 presented an opportunity to diversify the range of media texts available to New Zealand audiences.

Being only ten years old, we’ve yet to see the impact, if any, Māori TV has had on the types of stories presented in whitestream media. What’s absent from mainstream news at present is a genuine understanding of things Māori. Providing funding alone for Māori content does not address the issue at the heart of othering practices. Instead, what’s needed is a wider consciousness of what it means to exist in New Zealand – Smith says this means trying to see from the viewpoint of the other. Māori TV provides a wider spectrum of representation between the stereotypical images of Māori that have been reduced to ‘good’ – the honourable, pure, native, representative of New Zealand on the global stage – and ‘bad’ – the violent savage frequently depicted in whitestream media.

Othering seems a bizarre contradiction to the appropriation of things Māori as inherently ‘Kiwi’, which occurs when New Zealand is thrust into the global spotlight. Air New Zealand, standing proud with a koru on its tail, turned around and refused to employ a woman “Air New Zealand, with visible tā moko last standing proud with a year. John Key seems to think post-colonial issues koru on its tail, turned have “passed”, and that a around and refused flag will be able to unite “all New Zealanders”. This is a to employ a woman pretty big call, considering with visible ta moko we struggle to work out who ‘we’ are on a daily last year” basis. But it’s aspirational, and as Smith reflects, “there are increasingly ways in which the media are creating spaces for other representations [of Māori] to come through. So it’s not all doom and gloom.”

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INTERVIEW

w r i t i n g

SCHINDLER A n i n t e r v i e w w i t h Th o m a s K e n e a l l y b y D u n c a n M c L a c h l a n

His face reddens at the first sign of emotion. There is a bristly and greying goatee affixed to his face. He chuckles heartily from his stomach. Thomas Keneally, at 78, the man behind Schindler’s List arrived outside Fidel’s. I talked to Mr Keneally over coffee and a cookie about a life lived writing the past.

Duncan:

Your first book, The Place at Whitton, was published in 1964. That was about 50 years ago now. Why did you choose writing and not priesthood which you also had an interest in?

Tom:

Well, having been a rural priest, I was losing my faith in the system. I was also very exhausted mentally by sustaining that monastic life; that very unnatural life.

Above all, I was scandalised by the sort of thing that was happening with child abuse in the Catholic Church. I was scandalised and I am no moral saint. But I was shocked by their lack of charity and the extent to which they would put the interests of the institution and particularly the financial interests of the institution ahead of the love that they

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espoused. I felt I betrayed people. And then I got a couple of short stories published and I wrote a book and it was accepted. It was easier then. Because fiction was king, and now nonfiction and cookbooks and stuff is king. I take my hat off to any young person who gets published by any mainstream publisher now.

T:

Would you like a bit of oatmeal cookie?

I think you would like to try it. [Duncan graciously accepts a generous morsel of said cookie.]

D:

I was interested by one of the things you said: that in your day, fiction was king. Lots of your work was fiction but historical fiction. Why the interest in the historical narrative?

INTERVIEW

T:

I am one of those weird people who think the past is what we are and also that it’s the extra dimension of the present. I am attracted to stories that illustrate the present in some way. For example, a couple of years ago, I wrote a book on WWI nurses from Australia.

I made it very deliberately anti-myth-making and tried to make it a pro-feminist book.

Those issues are still around, and in fact, the way WWI is going to be used by Australian politicians over the next four years is going to be, well, invalid.

And I have forebears in WWI and my father was in WWII, so I am not speaking as an enemy of remembrance. I think there is so much in war that isn’t mentioned. That’s why old men who have been commemorated always say simple things like war is terrible. So WWI is the present. We are still living it. We are still living it in the repeated conflicts that have grown out of the wars.

D:

You wrote an article for the Guardian and you talked about mythmaking and racial politics: You wrote, “I hope no one says Australia was born at Gallipoli”. What did you mean by that?

T:

I don’t think it should be [said] from your politicians or from ours: “NZ shows the world what it was. The men of ANZAC were the forerunners of the All Blacks.” It is true that they were remarkable young men, but, if a high explosion fell among them, their degree of panache went for nothing. The war is more complicated, and it would be good if we could put some of that complication into our commemoration.

D:

Lots of your concerns are about history and the way it is retold. How do you manage to tell the story and not tell your own thoughts about the story?

T:

History is always unreliable. I was interested in how my European betters were able to do something that we couldn’t quite manage.

Why, in the country of Heidegger and Kant and Goethe, did you get that contrast between high culture and extreme barbarity? So I was fascinated how the Europeans were able to engage in that extreme form of anti-Semitism.

The idea that my European betters would

do this fascinated me. So I wade in. I have always been fascinated by how nice we can be one on one, but when ideology comes between us, we become enemies. That’s always been a big preoccupation of mine. We have always been such suckers for ethnic fear and hysteria, and we’ve got it now in Australia with our detention centres with our boat people.

D: Would you draw a parallel?

T:

Oh look: I wouldn’t say that our detention centres are as bad as Auschwitz, because we’re not deliberately doing it, but by neglect we are, and our level of neglect is very high.

And we are name-calling, which is how the Holocaust began. It began with name-calling.

We’ve got a long way to go and I hope its reversible. And those who speak up against it in Australia are, thank Christ, not imprisoned.

A wonderful novelist lives in Australia called Rosie Scott, a New Zealander. She and I have just bought out a collection by Australian writers about asylum seekers. It’s called A Country Too Far, and is an attempt to get beyond the rhetoric and put a human face on these people. This is to try to counter the terms that we are using like “queue jumper” and “illegals”. This is just crap. They are not breaking any law. They are just turning up.

This name-calling is very pernicious.

D:

On a new tack, Schindler’s Ark became Schindler’s List in a movie by Steven Spielberg.

Many writers, when the movie is made of their book, are frustrated by what is created. Were you?

T:

I worked through the ‘70s in a couple of Australian movies. The director was Fred Schepisi 1. I knew from Fred that filmmakers look upon the original text as their diving board. They are the show ponies. They are going to jump up and do the twist on the way down and win the Olympic medal. It’s just the way film is. By the time we got to Schindler, and having tried to write a screenplay for Spielberg, I knew that (a) there are economies in film that don’t operate in books, and therefore it is very hard for a film to be as good as a popular book. But secondly, that the director is going to treat the material as his own. After all, he has ordered, and so I was prepared for the fact that

he would have to leave out some of my favourite bits. Occasionally, you see a movie that gets the subtext of a book, but most writers feel that they are happy to get a film deal but they feel that their true meaning hasn’t been conveyed.

One who was very happy with his movie (and I’ve seen it since – it’s quite melodramatic) is Michael Ondaatje, The English Patient. I think that if the writer is a halfway-rational person, then it is wise for the director to have them round so they feel included, and that’s what Spielberg did. He didn’t just have me around.

He invited in Schindler survivors to just talk to him on the set. To watch the filming and talk to him on the set. The man is a nerd. He is very imaginative. He is always asking people questions. When you give over your novel, it’s good if you’re aptly rewarded, but it’s also good if someone works on it with integrity.

And I think both Schepisi and Spielberg had good intentions. I mean, there is stuff that you would change. It’s a very ruthless form.

D: T:

At Vic, we have lots of aspiring writers; do you have any tips for them?

I think there are some very good writing classes, but I think the ultimate way to learn to write novels is to write novels. It’s hard to begin. But when you do begin, things you couldn’t think of before begin to click. The subconscious is engaged and begins to supply everything from language to archetypes who you dress up into your own characters. So beginning is very important. And I don’t think you should delay beginning by saying I just think I will take one more writing class and then I will start. And then, if you have a job, see if you can write 500 words a night, five days a week. That’s 2500 words a week, so after a year, you’ve got a good lump of stuff you might be able to turn into a novel.

1 Martin Scorsese once told Keneally that he watches one of Schepisi’s movies, The Chant of Jimmie Blacksmith, whenever his “creative juices” are low. Apparently, Scorsese and Keneally had dinner together once.

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PEOPLE EXPERIENCING HOMELESSNESS S

alient wanted to examine the issue of homelessness in Wellington. There are now more people experiencing homelessness than ever before. This feature examines their treatment.

In the course of my research, I went out on a Tuesday night to interview a Wellington fixture who dwells at the end of Courtenay Place near the Fix, often referred to by his signature request: ‘’Scuse Me’’, and his wife, Miri (“Māori for Marie, sweetheart”).

A

ndrew Matautia took the photographs that accompany this feature. He is a recent graduate of the Victoria School of Design, and took these photographs for an assignment there. Matautia wanted to tell the subjects’ story without them having to utter a single word. He wanted his imagery to encapsulate the integrity and the humanity within each of their eyes. We would love to feature your creative work as well.

Please send us your photographs, design, poetry or prose to editor@salient.org.nz.

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T

hey, as a group, go by an eclectic variety of names. Doctorate researchers refer to them as those ‘experiencing severe house deprivation’.

Local councils opt instead for ‘independent money accruers’, or one of the countless variations thereof. My grandparents use the phrase ‘people living rough’, while the cruder insist on the slur of ‘bum’, usually prefaced with a choice profanity. A lot of us, however, choose the markedly simpler ‘homeless’ to describe those we see late at night, lingering on the sidewalks, perhaps asking passing pedestrians for money, food, a couple of cigarettes.

Sometimes they sit, sometimes they stand, some lay huddled in blankets and some brave the elements with only clothes, but they all share in common desperate circumstances that render them unable to achieve sufficient nourishment, housing and other amenities. The term this article will use is ‘people experiencing homelessness’, in order to avoid disguising their plight in platitudes and academic-speak, and in an attempt to negate the dehumanising effects of the term ‘homelessness’ – but more on that later.

For now, the basic statistics: it is estimated that nationwide, anywhere between 8000 and 20,000 of the population are experiencing homelessness, with anywhere between an estimated 80 and 200 of them residing here in Wellington. The numbers are difficult to gauge for several reasons – obviously, many lack a fixed address and live as close to off-the-grid as possible, and there are many definitions of ‘homelessness’. For some sociologists and support groups, having a house > www.salient.org.nz

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FEATURE

or a home does not mitigate a state of words). Afterwards? “All donations go to six and unable to keep up with demand. It is homelessness if it does not: a) constitute the organisations in Wellington that help get wonderful that these programmes exist, of kind of home one can call their own, and: people off the street and keep them off. As well course, but as it is, they’re only serving a select b) if, aside from having a place to sleep and as providing basic needs such as food, clothing group of those experiencing homelessness – reside, they do not have the means to survive or transport, these services also help to provide and funding that could be used to help is being in a manner akin to First World living of their sustainable solutions that prevent the need to allocated to hare-brained schemes that were own volition (or that they don’t want to), beg.” doomed to fail from the outset. It’s not hard to which results in them continuing to beg or It was, of course, a complete disaster for feel a little disgruntled. busk, essentially earning their living off the those experiencing homelessness, in spite of the So, what can we do? According to one generosity of passers-by. It’s important to note masterminds who created the scheme insisting damning psychological study, when we that begging and ‘homelessness’ do not overlap otherwise. Those who beg now gain much less perceive people experiencing homelessness, perfectly. There is an intersection, but it is not money, while few are donating to the boxes. “the homeless are not recognised as human guaranteed – some that relative to other groups. ‘beg’ are on the dole and They actually are ACCORDING TO ONE DAMNING find it does not cover their perceived… more like PSYCHOLOGICAL STUDY, WHEN WE expenses; others have been objects, such as tables”. I’m PERCEIVE PEOPLE EXPERIENCING denied the dole because of wary of deifying homeless unwillingness or language HOMELESSNESS, “THE HOMELESS ARE people here – while some barriers. One statistic that are lovely, many can be can be confidently reported NOT RECOGNISED AS HUMAN RELATIVE unpleasant, aggressive TO OTHER GROUPS. THEY ACTUALLY is that homelessness is and frightening, and it’s on the rise, both overseas ARE PERCEIVED… MORE LIKE OBJECTS, important to remember (allegedly over 50,000 in that with humanity comes SUCH AS TABLES”.

New York) and here in New negative qualities – but I Zealand. think that viewing people There are measures in place to support Part of this can be attributed, perhaps, to the experiencing homelessness as human, treating those experiencing homelessness. The City tacit admission made by the Council that these them as equals and engaging with their plight, Mission and The Salvation Army, as well as people are not deserving of your money. The is a pretty damn-solid way to start. local food kitchens, provide support, but very initiative was based on false or dubious premises much in an ambulance-at-the-bottom-of-a- from the start – claims that those experiencing Note: The following interview is related cliff way – and, according to several people I homelessness spend their money on drugs, verbatim. Given the subject matter, I thought it interviewed who prefer not to be identified, alcohol and cigarettes were unconfirmed best to avoid mediating their voice or integrating see their function as a temporary measure scaremongering and got the whole ‘cause’ it into my own writing. xx (some report being declined for seeking and ‘effect’ thing completely topsy-turvy. assistance too often, although I stress this is Substance abuse is often a symptom, and not a uncorroborated). There is the famed Shelter contributing factor, towards homelessness, and PHILIP: HELLO! MY NAME IS PHILIP at the top of Taranaki St, which offers shelter even if they do spend money on substances MCSWEENEY AND I WAS HOPING TO ASK through the night but which is often filled that we find unsavoury – is that not their right?

A FEW QUESTIONS? to capacity and is chronically underfunded. The more wealthy can indulge in vices without Tragically, the director of the shelter has been sanctimonious judgment raining down on Miri: You can ask me. What do you want quoted as being the only person available them, and by forcing those experiencing to know? I’ll tell you anything... I’ll tell you to Police to identify the bodies of deceased homelessness to operate under a different this, me and my man [gestures at him] have recipients of his welfare at the morgue. framework to our own, we dehumanise them. been together for 22 years and he used to be Meanwhile, overseas, more inventive ways It also smacks of attempting to rub a serious a minister... trained to be a minister... worked of tackling the problem have been used. In issue under the rug and forget that it isn’t with the Army for ten years... and I’m wellAustin, they were hired as Wi-Fi transmitters there, to attribute blame to the victims, all in educated too, I bet you didn’t guess that (I shit you not); the appalling but aptly the names of a palatable and sanitised CBD [laughs]. named television show Bumfights paid people where no one has to consider the ramifications P: I DON’T DOUBT IT AT ALL, I PROMISE! experiencing homelessness to fight each other of economic downturn or other misfortune. for money.

And perhaps most galling of all, $40,000 was M: Well it’s true, I got my UE and my Here in Wellington, our city council took spent on a programme that could have better School Certificate, but people still look at me a different route. In a widely publicised benefited the people it was trying to help by like I’m trash, y’know, like I’m a pisshead... I campaign, they announced that they would being invested in boring old rehabilitation. don’t drink, I don’t do drugs and my partner address the problem of people experiencing It seems remarkable, but in all of the smokes [puts an arm affectionately round him, homelessness by instigating an ‘Alternative initiatives discussed thus far, the simplest passes him a cigarette], but why is it any of Giving Fund’: boxes were strategically and most effective – housing rehabilitation, their business? I’ll tell you why – because I’m placed around Wellington City for people workplace rehabilitation and substance Māori, I speak the language, I have whenua, taonga, ties to the land. I’ll tell you this too, to put their coins in in lieu of giving straight rehabilitation – has not been mentioned there are more and more people on the streets to the “beggars” (Wellington Council’s once, despite such areas being underfunded 28

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these days, more and more, up and down the country; lots of young fellas too, it’s awful, and the fuckin’ Salvation Army? The City Mission?

Don’t do shit. We’ve been kicked out, him and I; been there too often, they said. Kicked out on Christmas too; it’s disgusting.

P: SO THERE’S NO LOVE LOST BETWEEN YOU AND THE CITY MISSION THEN?

M: You might have read about it in the papers: it was a big scandal, they were feeding people junk food and fake milk and shit. And fizzy drinks! [Shakes her head.]

P: IF IT’S NOT A, UMM, TOO PERSONAL A QUESTION, ARE PEOPLE USUALLY VERY POLITE? ARE ANY EVER RUDE?

[At this moment, a man approaches her partner and says: “Hey, it’s her birthday,” before gesturing at a girl in his entourage, who waves. “Do a haka for her! Give her a fucking... a fucking nose-kiss mate.” He doesn’t oblige, but does call out: “Happy birthday, sweetheart!

Well done.”]

M: Me and him, we been together 22 years now, did you know? Sorry, what do you want to know? Well, I’m not afraid of speaking my mind [laughs] so I don’t mind when other people do too... although I’ll speak my mind right back at them [laughs]. When people just walk past you though eh... I’m a human too, y’know. And they think I’m homeless?

Don’t call me homeless, man. Māori TV did a thing on us [gestures at her partner], called

us a “homeless couple” – we’re not fuckin’ homeless, we have a place out in the Hutt, we have places to sleep. We’re just poor [laughs].

MAKE THINGS BETTER, TO, UMM, IMPROVE THINGS? I MEAN, IT SEEMS QUITE COMPLEX, I GUESS.

P: I SEE YOU’RE WEARING A WARRIORS T-SHIRT AND I, AHH, GREW UP IN AUCKLAND SO I, AHH, HAVE AN AFFINITY FOR THEM. HAVE YOU HAD OPPORTUNITY TO TRAVEL MUCH, Y’KNOW, SEE NEW ZEALAND?

M: The only you can do honey... vote. Vote.

Tell your friends to get up off their arses and vote too... John Key and his mates they don’t care shit, nuh-uh. Not that Labour was much better... or Mana... But the Māori Party... All parties need educated and clever Māori people, brown people, to represent us, but there’s only one in National, barely any in Labour and he [I assume Taito Phillip Field] got arrested... serves him right, but. We need more Māori [pause] sorry, what was your name? Philip, we need more Māori leaders, or people that have seen things like I’ve seen, been through what we’ve been through. Know what else you could do, Philip? Give me three bucks so I can hit up the supermarket [laughs]; yup, everywhere else [motions at Fix]... too expensive. Too bloody expensive to survive, I’ll tell you that. So, what else you want to know?

M: Do you know, I haven’t seen a Warriors game in ages: [we] go to the pub sometimes but they don’t always let us in no more. Yeah I seen it, and I see up and down this country more and more people out on the streets, not all young, people who just have nothing, love, nothing... You’re writing an article for a magazine, how old are you?

P: 21.

M: Well you haven’t seen anything: I’m sorry but it’s true, you come back in ten years and nothing will have changed... All along the country, people are on the streets, begging ‘cos they have to, and that’s my iwi, my hoa... If my koruru could see... [Pauses.] Sorry love, I told you I was Māori! [Laughs.] Lotta Māori kids too, kicked out, can’t get no work, have to hit the streets [shakes her head] hinapouri... my whānau, my whānau.

Miri kindly offered to speak to anyone who has further questions, or who just wants to say hey or shoot the shit. You can find her on Thursdays, after 1 pm, outside the Fix at the end of Courtenay Place, though she asks that you don’t come in the evening if you want a longer chat. After all, she’s working.

P: WHAT CAN PEOPLE DO, PEOPLE LIKE ME I MEAN [GESTURES AT DESIGNERLABEL SHOES, PALE WHITE SKIN], TO www.salient.org.nz

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FEATURE

T

he question I dread being asked the most is, “Where do you come from?” It’s not a particularly hard question, but unfortunately for me, “I don’t know” isn’t really a valid answer. I don’t want to bore strangers with an abbreviated version of my ancestry, but I also can’t satisfy their expectation for exotic tales full of spicy intrigues, colourful mysticism and curry recipes. People see my skin colour and compliment me on how well I speak English when the truth is, embarrassingly, English is the only one of my family’s three languages I can speak. So I smile, say something non-committal and change the subject.

The problem is, I don’t seem to have come from any one place.

My family were originally from India. My great-grandfather followed the British from India to Malaysia, which is where my parents were brought up, learning to speak Tamil, Malay and English. I was born in England and have spent most of my life in New Zealand. The only sentences I know in Tamil are: “I’m really hungry”, “I’m so tired”, and, “That guy is really cute”. I know no Malay, except what I can repeat from watching the Malay dubbed Tarzan as a kid. My curry-making skills are, frankly, shocking. I’m too ‘Westernised’ to fully belong to the countries of my family.

But at the same time, I’ve never fully fit in with my (forgive me) ‘white’ peers, because my parents have always insisted on ‘keeping the culture alive’. Despite my protests, I went to primary school each day with hair drenched in cooking oil (“It’ll keep your hair black!”). My mother’s main tactic for dealing with ‘sexual’ things like periods was to avoid the subject completely (which culminated in me believing I was dying of internal bleeding). And annually, we would boil a pot of milk outside our house over an open flame while my grandmother chanted “Pongal”, in order to secure our agricultural wealth for the year. Because that’s terribly important for a middle-class, urban family.

And no one in this country seems to be able to get my name right. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve given up on correcting people; the local pizza guys cheerfully call me Maria, Starbucks knows me as Bianca, and I once spent an entire camp being called Pren because

the surf instructor misheard me the first four times. And while we’re here, no, I am not in an arranged marriage and no, my parents do not own a dairy.

I am not the only one who’s had these problems. Every fourthgeneration-out-of-Asia kid with traditional parents will have heard their name butchered by teachers, principals, examiners, peers, and have possibly even made fun of the realities of their parents in order to fit in with their peers. But the extraordinary thing is that us NRIs (that’s ‘non-resident Indians’ to you white folk) seem to have been imbued with MORE culture since leaving the motherland, rather than less. My parents made sure I learnt classical Indian dance, Carnatic music, Indian mythology and history – more than my cousins learnt back in Malaysia. An Asian friend of mine commented that when we leave our country of origin, we take with us a frozen snapshot of tradition, while the motherland just keeps on developing. India and Malaysia have long since left us behind, while we cling to the little we know – like a bad translation of Tarzan. But despite my confused identity, I am grateful for every scrap.

My grandmother grew up in a world where women were denied education past the age of 12, as they were needed to take care of the home, but she still sent every one of her five girls off to tertiary institutions. She promised God that should her children find success, she would cut off her long, long hair in his honour. 40 years later, my entire extended family journeyed to India so my grandmother could fulfil her promise.

Nearly everyone – grandchildren, uncles and aunts – shaved their hair off with her, in honour of her oath. Family, loyalty, duty first: this is but a shred of our heritage. Although these values are not limited to Indian culture, it is intrinsic to who we are.

As New Zealand’s Asian population grows, so too does its multiculturalism. We celebrate our diversity and are trying to become an accepting society. I’m not from here, I don’t completely fit in all the time, but New Zealand is where I belong. New Zealand is home.

And I have faith that one day, one day, white people will get my name right. First time round.

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COLUMN

Such abysmal histories have clearly had an underwhelming effect on the Wellington faithful, with the Phoenix’s average home attendance last season at a record-low 6877 per game, while the first Hurricanes home game of the season against the 2013 runners-up only attracted 8000 souls through the gates.

I’m not sure what it is, and I’ve given up trying to figure it out, but judging by these numbers there’s something going terribly wrong in the capital. It’s no wonder that the Warriors and St Kilda are capitalising on success-starved fans by aggressively inserting themselves into the Wellington sporting market – perhaps the sporting scene in the capital is ready for a serious shake-up.

Sports banter with sammy p “ W o e f ul W e ll i n g t on ”

C

riticism of the best sports teams the capital has to offer has been scathing from the media as of late, treating Wellington’s inability to perform on the sports field as some sort of recent conundrum or temporary issue. And if we look at recent results, it’s easy to see why: in the last few weeks, the Phoenix have been on the receiving end of 5–0 and 5–1 drubbings, while the Hurricanes are yet to register a win after three rounds of the Super Rugby season.

However, if we take just a quick look into the past, it’s clear to see that poor performances are no recent phenomena.

While many locals are citing an out-of-town coach as the reason for the Hurricanes’ hapless form of late, it’s important to remember that, in the 18 years that Super Rugby has existed, their record stands at zero titles, one final appearance, and just three semifinal appearances. Compare that to the Blues with three championships, the Crusaders with seven, and the Chiefs with two. Even the Wellington Lions, arguably the NPC team with the most talented individuals in the country, have won just two titles in the last 32 years; in the same period, Auckland have won 16 while Canterbury have the won the last six straight. Meanwhile, in their seven years of existence, the Phoenix have only managed a best finish of third position in the A-League, with an overall winning percentage of 34 per cent (just 17 per cent on the road).

The Wellington Firebirds haven’t won a major cricket trophy in over a decade. And let’s not forget the netballers. After five years competing in the ten-team trans-Tasman ANZ Championship, the Pulse have finished tenth, tenth, ninth, eighth, seventh and fifth – by far the worst record in the competition.

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O ll i e R i t c h i e ’ s T o p 5 the Box

on

5) C owboys vs W arriors – NRL: Expect big things from the Warriors as they look to defy their critics and pick up a crucial win on the road. Saturday, SS2, 11pm.

Pick – Warriors 13+.

4) H ighlanders

vs

H urricanes – S uper 15:

Conrad Smith and the Hurricanes travel to the deep south to take on the Highlanders, who are creeping into some form and will provide a stern challenge for the Canes, who desperately need to find some form. Friday, SS1, 7.35 pm. Pick – Highlanders 1–12.

3) W ellington P hoenix – H yundai A-L eague :

vs

N ewcastle J ets

The Phoenix, who are pushing for a playoff spot, will be looking for a big win in Newcastle against the Jets who sit just one spot and two points above them. Saturday, SS2, 7.30 pm. Pick – Phoenix 2+.

2) N ew Y ork K nicks NBA:

vs

I ndiana P acers –

The Pacers travel to New York on the back of some tough losses as they try to cement top spot in the East with the Heat hot on their tail. Meanwhile, New York will be looking for a big home win as they make a last-gasp push to squeeze into the playoff race. Thursday, 1 pm. Pick – Indiana 13+.

1) B ulls

vs

S harks – S uper 15:

No New Zealand teams involved here, but keep an eye out for this battle in Pretoria.

This could be a major player in the way the Super Rugby ladder pans out, and expect both teams to hit the ground running.

Sunday, SS1, 6.10 am. Pick – Sharks 1–12.

Top 5 Ugliest Athletes 5. Paul Tito: Although he is now retired, we thought it would be an injustice to leave the Taranaki stalwart off the list. Tito’s curly ginger locks and ugly mug ensured he won both the hearts and the empathy of New Zealand rugby followers.

4. Joakim Noah: It’s hard to believe that Noah’s mother is a former Miss Sweden. Either his father is ET or something went horribly wrong in the gene pool to produce the Chicago Bulls’ centre.

3. Nikolai Valuev: David Haye, a former boxing opponent of Valuev, once said: “Valuev is an ugly freak who stinks.” Although that is an incredibly immature thing for even a boxer to say, there is a great deal of truth to the first part of Haye’s childish statement.

2. Wayne Rooney: To be honest, ‘The British Bulldog’ is a pretty generous nickname for Rooney.

It doesn’t help that Rooney has played alongside some of the world’s prettiest footballers such as Cristiano Ronaldo. It also doesn’t help that he looks like a troll.

1. Andy Murray: One look at Murray’s ever-present mother and it’s easy to see why Murray’s mug makes small children cry. However, it’s when Murray opens his uncannily wide gob in celebration that things really get unpleasant: it’s been reported that Murray’s mouth cavity is large enough to comfortably host a small family.

COLUMN

Dolmades

•

Meals and Feels W i t h E v e K e nn e d y Dol m ade s (st uffed vine l e av e s )

D

olmades (or dolma) are stuffed grapevine leaves often found in Mediterranean or Middle Eastern cuisines. You can find them in Greek or Turkish restaurants, most commonly, or tinned from fancy supermarkets; but the homemade version is far superior as the tinned ones have gluggy rice and fall apart too easily.

Dolmades are traditionally stuffed with rice, currants, herbs, onion and pine nuts, but I tend to replace the pine nuts with chopped almonds given the exorbitant price of the former.

I served these with falafel, Turkish flat bread, hummus, olives, and a salad of roasted eggplant and tomato, fresh basil, garlic, goat’s feta and lemon juice.

Conspiracy Corner “The Gospel of Luke S k y wa l k e r ” B y I n c o g n i t o M on t o y a

E

very census, a prevalence of citizens identify as Jedi under ‘religion’. The movement, dubbed “the Jedi census phenomenon”, is common throughout the Commonwealth and parts of the EU, to a point that Britain has more Jedi than Scientologists. New Zealand gives Jedi its own religion code, albeit acknowledged as a “question understood but not adequately answered” response, similar to identifying with the Church of Elvis or that holiest of Kiwi trinities: “Rugby, Racing and Beer”.

If counted as a recognised religious group, Jedi would account for 1.5 per cent of New Zealand’s religious population. The government plays along out of fun, but

• • • • • • • • •

1 jar pre-blanched vine leaves ($3.60 at Moore Wilson’s bulk section) 1 onion, finely diced 2 Tbsp olive oil 1.5 cup vegetable stock 3 Tbsp currants 3 Tbsp chopped almonds 1 cup long grain rice Juice of 1 lemon 2 Tbsp freshly chopped parsley leaves Salt and pepper to taste

coming out of the leaf. Don’t roll the dolmades too tightly or they may burst as the rice will expand more when cooked.

Arrange the rolled dolmades into a deep frying pan or similar, and pour over ½ cup of olive oil, the juice of two lemons, and 1 ½ cups of water. Cook on a med–high heat with a lid on, until the water has been absorbed and the rice inside the dolmades is totally cooked.

First, rinse and separate the vine leaves – be gentle as they are fragile and will tear easily!

Sauté the onion in the olive oil. Add the rest of the ingredients to the pan, excluding the almonds and the parsley, and let simmer until the rice has absorbed all the water. The rice needs only to be par-cooked. Add the almonds and the parsley once the rice mixture is cooked.

To stuff the leaves, put a teaspoonful in the centre of each leaf. Fold two sides of the leaf into the centre so they overlap, then roll the rest of the leaf up, into a cigar shape. Ensure there are no holes where the mixture is

I believe there are real Jedi among us. We theorists are constantly pointing our fingers at a ‘Them’, be they a shadowy organisation, an ancient order of psychics, or aliens from outer space. The Jedi just so happen to be all three.

‘Jediism’ has a long and complicated history, being a chimera of other religions.

The closest deity is an esoteric fount of universal energy called The Force, with a Light and Dark side like the Taoist yin– yang. The films depict followers of the Jedi Order following a monastic lifestyle and espousing compassion and enlightenment, a practice ubiquitous to Buddhism. The Force grants the Jedi fantastic powers such as memory manipulation or the ability to move objects with one’s mind, but whether training or innate ability enhances these powers is unclear. The notion of being a Jedi by birth is still a hot topic within the Order; let’s just say ‘midi-chlorian’ is something of a heated term.

New Zealand is already ahead of the curve in welcoming our Jedi brethren, with shows of acceptance such as allowing Jedi to walk in the Christmas Parade alongside Santa Claus.

Whether the growing influence of the Jedi

faith is due to immigration or conversion remains a mystery, but the relationship between the Order and its country of origin, the USA, has been strained of late. Last year, a petition to build a Death Star was shot down by Congress, winning the praise of the Order. Months later, President Obama made a gaffe saying he could perform a “Jedi mind meld”, an accidental hybrid of ‘Jedi mind trick’ and Star Trek’s ‘Vulcan mind meld’. Confusing the two is considered a sin tantamount to believing Greedo shot first. Persecution in the UK has occurred in isolated incidents, Jedi being asked to remove their hoods inside local shops and thus go against their dress customs. Perhaps these acts have prompted a move to more tolerant shores.

If you know anyone of the Jedi persuasion, remember these salient facts: please do not ask them to remove their hood or display their powers in public, and remember to

www.salient.org.nz

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COLUMN

“ your age nda m ay lo ok a l i t tl e l i k e th i s : I n t i m i dat e oth er s w i th forc e f ul s h i rt i ne s s so Th e y won ’ t s pe a k to you and you can avoi d e mot ion a l con nect ion .

Do st u f f w i th your body ( cu t e st u f f obv ious ly ) so th at Th e y th i n k th e y ’ r e i n lov e w i th you and Th e y w i l l wan t to g i v e you p h ysica l pl e a sur e . ”

S h i rt & Sw e e t w i t h E l e a n o r M e rt o n

y ou r w e e k ly c olu m n on how t o b e annoy e d

perspective’ and ‘not all feminists want all men to die’. High score!)

As the rest of this issue will tell you (maybe), each of us is alone in this world.

It’s just me (you) and Them. And that’s why it’s important for you to learn to socially construct yourself in a way that is most going to intimidate Them and/or make Them want to temporarily ignore the impossibility of forming meaningful human connections (in the form of genital contact). This is why you need to learn:

b u t s t i ll c u t e .

H ow

A

s a columnist for a respected (read: belittled) publication such as Salient, I feel it’s appropriate for me to bring some of myself as a writer into what I write. This actually has nothing to do with the fact that I write a column. It actually has to do with the fact that I’ve recently been through a break up and am at the point where I need to revitalise my ample ego in order to get myself through any given day. Anyway, we need to talk about Facebook. Not because Tilda Swinton is worried about it but because Facebook friendship is now the real friendship (just like the old people always told us) and people who only interact IRL inhabit a lower social tier. The point about Facebook is that it provides the perfect platform from which to construct yourself for others to see and be jealous of. We know this. We know about social construction.

(A note here for Sociology majors and others not in the know: ‘socially constructed’ is a buzz term. Use it. Combo it up with other terms and phrases like ‘Marxist

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to

F laun t Y ou r E g o W i t h an A g e n d a

Right, so the first thing you need to do in order to be successful in your endeavour is to prepare and print a nice copy of your agenda for reference throughout the day and also for the information of others you encounter.

For example, your agenda may look a little like this: Intimidate others with forceful shirtiness so They won’t speak to you and you can avoid emotional connection.

Do stuff with your body (cute stuff obviously) so that They think they’re in love with you and They will want to give you physical pleasure.

Reconcile numbers 1 and 2 in a way that minimises the possibility of arrest.

It is recommended that you add a header and page numbers for agenda documents over three pages, and remember, always save the trees and print double-sided (unless your faculty specifications are fucked). Reducing the carbon footprint of academia is cute.

Once you have your agenda document

printed on crisp, scented paper, you are ready to flaunt your ego. The hardest part of this will be doing it in such a way that people don’t realise that you’re a high-functioning sociopath and will still converse with you for periods longer than 12 minutes.

Actually, sociopaths don’t like talking about themselves that much and are pretty good at blending into the general population, so if you follow my advice, I can cure your sociopathy! (Salient takes no responsibility for any happenings caused by sociopaths who think they’re no longer sociopathic and therefore don’t need to rein in their sociopathic behaviour.) Actually, while we’re here, can we just talk about how privileged sociopathic personalities are these days.

Check your sociopathy privilege pls.

Okay, so anyway, tangents aside, if you ride a bicycle with a basket on it, you can basically talk about your own achievements as much as you like and people will still think you’re cute because you are cute because your bike has a basket on it. If on any given day you want to regard other people’s opinions less and broadcast your own excellency (royal or not) more, all you have to do is fill your basket with wildflowers.

Wildflowers and baskets will get you far if you have a big ego and like other people to know it. Wildflowers and baskets will also make you cute enough for you to develop a big ego if you didn’t have one already.

Honestly. You can’t lose with baskets and wildflowers.

SEX

The Bone Zone W I T H C U P I E H O ODW I N K T h e (S e x ) L i v e s

W

of

Others

e’ve all got our preferences.

Whether it’s how we take our morning coffee, or our favourite place to take a dump, the ways in which we choose to carry out even the most basic activities of our day-to-day lives are an essential part of who we are.

And it ain’t no different when it comes to sex.

While it’s not clear where exactly our sexual preferences come from, who we want, what we want, and where we want it can be as unique to us as our fingerprints. Sadly, the representation of fetish in popular culture has taught us to believe that those who exhibit a sexual preference for anything more outrageous than missionary with the lights off are dirty and depraved.

This, my sweets, is ridiculous. There are no hard-and-fast rules as to how we should or shouldn’t get our kicks, and liking it one way or another doesn’t make you better or worse, doesn’t make you normal or strange, and doesn’t mean you’re Madonna or the whore. Just as diggin’ it doggy style doesn’t make you a slut, a fascination with women’s underwear don’t mean you’re a creep.

In fact, the concept that there is a single, ‘normal’ way to have sex has been all but rejected by sex psychologists. Thanks to the explosion of niche porn catering for everything from ‘eproctolagnia’ (fantasising about farts) to ‘humongousphallophilia’ (“I like big dicks, and I cannot lie…”), researchers have been able to ascertain that the majority of web users have sexual preferences much more specific than merely being into men or women (for example, hunks with handcuffs, or bootylicious beauties). In short, so long as your sexy time is consensual, legal and harmless, don’t let nobody tell you you’re doing it wrong, because there’s no such thing.

While there’s no way that you will, or have to, be into every position under the sun, keeping an open mind about all things sex is super-important. Not only does it mean you won’t make other people feel weird or perverted for their perfectly healthy, harmless sexual desires, you might just discover something that you actually really, really like. “50 ways to see the world”, after all, is just another way of saying: “50 ways to have the most mind-blowing orgasm of your goddamn life.”

As with all things sex, if you’re keen to try something new, it’s best not to rush into it unprepared. While it’s great that you’re open to trying new things, you also need to be open to the possibility that one of you just might not enjoy it. Before you begin, you’ll need to ensure that the situation is well-lubricated with trust, understanding, consent... and, well, lube.

One way you and your partner can ease yourselves into each other’s sexual fantasies is by starting out with vanilla versions of your deepest desires. This allows your bedfellow to get a feel for your fantasy and decide whether it’s something they’re into, without being forced too far out of their comfort zone. Taking a slow approach to trying something new can also be a good way to free yourselves from any lingering sense that the way you’re doing it is ‘abnormal’.

Intrigued by bondage, but the thought of leather and chains scares

you silly? Try starting out with something less intimidating: fashion restraints, gags, and blindfolds out of your prettiest silk scarves. Excited by exhibitionism, but not quite ready to make love on Lambton Quay? Experiment by making your very own porno in the comfort of your own home. (But by all means, learn from the Kardashians and Hiltons who have gone before you and keep that shit on lockdown.) Awed by anal, but not ready to plumb the depths? Beginning by tickling or licking the ring before you venture in can be a great way to start out.

E njoy Cupie

experimenting, xx

CUPIE ’ S HOT TIP OF THE WEEK :

P

orn (or erotic literature, if you’re not quite ready for full frontal) can be a great way to discover what tickles you pink. As well as getting to know which positions get you hot under the collar, or role-play that might get you going, porn and erotica can also help you to explore your sexuality in the comfort of your own home. So, what are you waiting for? Set that browser to private and get googling, yo!

G o t a b u r n i n g q u e s t i on f o r C u p i e ? A s k h e r a b ou t all m at t e r s o f t h e h e a rt … an d o t h e r r o m an t i c o r g an s anon y m ou s ly at a s k . f m /C u p i e H o o d w i n k

Got

a b u r n i n g s e n s at i on i n y ou r

n e t h e r r e g i on s ?

H e alt h

Give Student 463 5308,

a c all on

o r p o p i n t o t h e i r c l i n i c s at

Kelburn

an d

Pipitea.

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36

the them issue

COLUMN

Art iculat ed S plines W i th Car lo S al i z zo I Need a Weapon hen our parents wanted to play a new video game, they had to wait for the arcade in town to invest in a new set of cabinets. We don’t have the same problem in an age of downloadable content and online retail; the days of trekking out to the mall in the hopes of picking up a boxed copy of the new Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater have gone the way of the Falmer. What follows is my attempt at summing up the beginner, intermediate and advanced levels of shopping to satisfy your gaming habit.

Normal For PC users, the entry point is Steam. It’s

W

Weir d i nterne t sh i t W i th H e n ry & Ph i l i p Cutedeadguys.net

I

’ve got around nine tabs of CuteDeadGuys. net open when I realise that this may not be the most legal thing in the world. I scroll to the bottom of the forum, past the “where deaded dudes RAWK!!!!” banner, in search of some kind of legality disclaimer. Nothing. I type “necro porn legal” into Google, then delete it, worried that this may just make it worse. This is not a great way to spend your evening.

CuteDeadGuys.net is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a forum where people (mostly dudes) share and discuss photos of good-looking male corpses. While this appears to be the core of the site, it also features an “alive guys” section (“guys who would make the perfect corpse”), a “dead guys in movies” section (“**Handsome

basically the iTunes-Store-meets-Facebook for PC, Mac and Linux gaming. There’s a fairly open and diverse marketplace, as well as a means of managing your game library. There are also many, many sales and discounts, as well as a quasi-social network involved. There’s a little more DRM (anti-piracy measures, for the uninitiated), but at least Steam makes it less intrusive. See “Origin” for the inferior EA-based version.

On console, of course, you’re tied down to whatever Xbox Live or PSN will give you, but there’s a surprising depth of non-AAA content out there. Same goes for mobile gamers, too.

Either way, make the most of reviews and write-ups from some of the better gaming sites out there. I recommend Polygon.com and rockpapershotgun.com, but there are literally hundreds of options, not to mention whatever you can sift through on reddit.

Heroic Good Old Games (GOG.com) is a treasure trove of old-school classics (as well as some newer titles) fixed to play on your modern OS. Most games cost about $3 and have stood the test of time surprisingly well. For more cheap goodness, check out Humble.com to grab bundles of various games and software

fit soilder got killed and dumped..

HOTTTTT**”) and your garden variety off-topic and personal sections – although the latter features a few more “seeking castration” ads than the Saturday paper.

Now, of course this stuff exists. Rule 34, there is a fetish for anything, the whole shebang. What surprised me about Cute Dead Guys (CDG?) was the tone. Everyone on the site seems utterly pleasant. I’ve been locked from viewing any more threads without registering, which I am really not doing ever, but what I did see suggested a healthy and helpful community of 33,000+ members. A smiling admin, ‘Meatpie’, seems to mostly compliment other posters on their jokes, detail his culinary skills in the off-topic boards, proclaim how hot different corpses are, or help newer users learn their way around the site. It isn’t just him either: I didn’t see a single insult throughout the entire forum. They call each other “my friend”. One user’s signature read: “BLOOD, SPUNK & BUNNY WUNNIES!” Every emotion of each user – arousal, disappointment, hope – seemed both shared and understood.

Have I found the white whale? An online community where everyone is nice to each other?

To be clear, if you get off to images of nonconsenting corpses, you are a despicable human being. From the descriptions of the threads that I didn’t click on, a lot of the content was at least sold as found work – i.e. real-life corpse photos

on a pay-what-you-like basis.

If you’re into physical copies, pricespy.co.nz compares the best prices from every retailer, and links to the lot of them to maximise your buying power.

Legendary At this point, you know the systems well enough that it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get a bit freaky. Trawl through YouTube “Let’s Play”s to find the weird and the wonderful. Look into Kickstarter and Steam Early Access to play games that aren’t even close to ‘finished’ but offer you an avant-garde experience and the ability to be somewhat involved in development. This method is more of an investment than a one-off purchase – don’t expect to be fully satisfied right away!

Instead of a mini-review this week I’m just going to list some titles for you to google: Banished; Castle Crashers; Guacamelee!; Rust; Octodad: Dadliest Catch; Gone Home; The Castle Doctrine; Chivalry: Medieval Warfare; Mount and Blade: Warband; FTL; Starbound; Space Engineers; Spelunky; Ace of Spades; Star Citizen; Hawken.

leaked from morgues, crime scenes, or simply by bystanders to the event. That makes most of the users horrible fucking people, so why are they so pleasant?

I guess once you get to this level of depravity, there isn’t much dignity to lose. You can’t insult a guy who whacks off to the same corpse that you do. Without any real power dynamics, there is no reason to be anything but helpful.

Clearing my history, I gathered up the courage to google around. Photos of corpses, while distasteful, seem to be mostly legal, although generally for journalistic or educational purposes. As bad as it got, I didn’t stumble upon anyone interacting with corpses; just a few hastily hidden photos of white faces and messy injuries. I’ll need several episodes of The Simpsons before I get to sleep, but I probably won’t wake up in jail.

Is that all I should worry about, though?

Has 15 years of internet use conditioned me to simply scroll past what I find distasteful?

Have I been complicit, simply by viewing the site, in non-consensual sexual gratification, in the theft of scientific images for the worst possible use? Has writing this piece – complete with wacky references and a link to the fucking site – trivialised something incomprehensibly horrible? I think I’ll write about a guy who reviews wallets on YouTube next week, thanks.

By Henry Cooke

www.salient.org.nz

37

MUSIC

IN REVIEW Clap Clap Riot Nobody / Everybody gig and

album review

By Elise Munden

N

ew Zealand indie rock hasn’t changed much since the days of Split Enz. It is still comprised of guitar-centric songs featuring dudes singing about girls they met in high school. This lack of ‘progress’ within such a popular genre has led a lot of listeners to ask one specific question when a new New Zealand indie-rock album comes out: so what?

That response is entirely applicable to Clap Clap Riot’s latest disc Nobody / Everybody. The songs may be magnificently melodic, but so is everything else streaming live through your preferred music device.

The lyrics are angsty and relatable – “ you better ask my girl if we can be together” – but so is the average teenager’s first attempt at writing a blog.

Even the band’s lead vocalist, Stephen Heard, admits the band has “always been into music of that era [1960s rock’n’roll] so it was nothing new.”

But...

The album – along with their latest live performance at Puppies – doesn’t present anything ‘new’, so therefore anyone capable of musical criticism should be full of disdain, embarrassed to call these kids members of the New Zealand music community. Yet their music is just so freaking FUN. Nobody / Everybody belongs in the film Risky Business. It belongs on your Workout playlist. It belongs in the background of a pre-town drinks gathering. It is a ‘solid’, loyal album, reliable in its ability to quicken heartbeats and linger in your eardrums long after the speakers have been turned off.

A fuller version of this review, with more photos and quotes from the band, is available online at salient.org.nz.

Real Estate – Atlas (review)

Blink’s five favourite Blink-182 songs 1. ‘Waggy’ 2. ‘Anthem’ 3. ‘Man Overboard’ 4. ‘Pathetic’ 5. ‘Carousel’ Three albums we’ll review next week, promise

1. Metronomy - Love Letters 2. Johnny Foreigner - You Can Do Better 3. Perfect Pussy - Say Yes To Love We’re now on Twitter! Follow for songs when they actually come out, rather than a week and a half later @salient_music

b y To m D a n b y

T

hree albums into their career, Real Estate are still ploughing the mine of suburbia for woozy, guitar-focussed dream pop. But where their first two albums were often nostalgic trips down memory lane, their new album, Atlas, is decidedly more present.

Lead singer/songwriter Martin Courtney’s recent marriage is a sure reason for this new found focus and mellowness. Not that their previous albums were raucous – the opposite in fact – but Atlas has a calmness to it befitting a band and singer who have come across contentment. Much of the criticism surrounding Real Estate is a lack of diversity in their music and basic sound. This is true. Real Estate’s music evolves incrementally, and on Atlas, they have never sounded more comfortable in their own skin. Though there is nothing as immediately attention-grabbing as tracks like ‘It’s Real’ from their second album, tracks like ‘How Might I Live’ and ‘Navigator’ are more beautiful than anything they have previously released, and the production quality has stepped up too.

I hate to say it, but Atlas is certainly a grower. This album is more than chilled-out, summer background music. It will work its way from that background and given enough time its intricacies will reveal themselves; any ironic distance the band held toward their suburban heritage is lost. Atlas proves that few bands know their sound so well and fewer still can execute it on the level Real Estate can. Growing old, settling down and moving to the suburbs finally has a soundtrack. That may sound sad to some, but in the hands of Real Estate it doesn’t seem so bad.

ARTS

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FILM

IN REVIEW C o n s i d e r i n g t h e O sc a r s Institution

as an

By Charlotte Doyle

B

y now, your Facebook news feeds will be empty of pitiful Leonardo memes and transsexual outrage at Jared Leto’s success.

So talking about the Oscars makes this article a little outdated.

However, I passionately feel the event embodies and epitomises many significant social issues which permeate the disappointing cult of celebrity today, and therefore demands in-depth discussion.

First, Pharrell wore shorts. Not only did this scandalous leg exposure lower dress-standard expectations (next thing we know women will be wearing suits, omg) but the stunt reflected a general lack of formality this year, making the Academy Awards somewhat disappointing and disillusioning. In short, where has the fairytale gone?

Celebrities seem to think they can use social-media trends to appease the masses, following in the footsteps of John Key who has cottoned onto the idea of taking selfies with many a Young Nat #youngatheartdesperateforyouthvotes, albeit confusing the role of a Prime Minister with that of a celebrity. Prolific people confusing their purpose. The Academy Awards is supposed to be the ultimate embodiment of Hollywood glamour. However, the advent of socialmedia pranks played by confused, dressed-up celebrities sadly diminishes its splendour.

I was completely in the dark about who was the hottest female in what dress this year, as social media was more preoccupied with Benedict Cumberbatch and Bill Murray’s photo-bombing efforts (it’s been done already, move on), the ‘biggest selfie ever’ #buysamsung, and Leonardo missing out on an Oscar for a role we’ve seen him play countless times before. Twitter and Facebook thus disrupt the exclusive feel of the Academy Awards, creating a novel form of excessive transparency which makes the event too relatable. As an institution, the awards play a fundamental role in constructing the distance in relationships between people of normalcy and people of God (read: celebrities). I want the escapism from my unsatisfying everyday life, not to feel like Jennifer Lawrence could be my friend (she can’t keep her feet on the ground anyway).

Don’t even get me started on the very safe choice of Ellen DeGeneres as a host, who isn’t even that funny. All round, a disappointing year. Jared Leto has already confessed to a ding in the back of his statue from dropping it down the stairs. So take selfies at the MTV awards and Pharrell put some pants on like everyone else.

Let’s maintain the glamour status quo.

www.salient.org.nz

39

BOOKS

IN REVIEW NZ W r i t e r s W e e k R e v i e w : W r i t e r s U n d e r at t h e

the

C a r t e r O b s e r v a t o r y , S u n d a y 9 M a r ch

Stars

by Nina Powles

I

’ve circled almost every event in my Writers Week festival booklet, concepts to anyone waiting at the bus stop. He talks us through 14 of but my course-related costs only stretch to a few worthy sessions. his favourite images of the universe. “I was going to do ten, but I got Writers Under the Stars was one I couldn’t miss. Featuring poet Robert very enthusiastic about it,” he laughs. Audience members who found Sullivan (ENGL201, anyone?), Eleanor Catton and science writer themselves rather sleepy (my mum) suddenly perk up as his first Marcus Chown, it promised exciting things: literary conversation image materialises. It shows a streaked bright blue surface. Chown about stars, space and the universe, coupled with poetry and hardcore plays a guessing game with the audience: “Is it lunar craters?” croaks science. someone down the front. “It’s Europa, the ice moon,” he reveals. He I arrived at the Carter Observatory absurdly early with my colourfully describes its core encased in thick cracked ice as the moon notebook in hand. It’s an odd place for a literary event. I think they gets pulled and squeezed by Jupiter’s gravity. Beneath all that ice, self-combusted slightly as 60 pushy old people (and me) converged on there’s probably a 1000 km–deep ocean with tube worms the size of their reception, but I forgive them. Seated your arm wriggling along the ocean floor. in the small planetarium on seats that tilt These kinds of freaky, unforgettable details back beneath a domed screen, Eleanor are what draw people into even the densest Eleanor Catton gives an incredible Catton enters the room to hushed titters of science – Chown knows it, and explains it talk on the intricate patterns of the excitement (the other writers enter too, but all with flair. His last image ties the evening zodiac, its mathematical and musical just then, no one really looks at them). She’s together neatly: a photograph of the view structure, and the attributes of wearing really great pants. looking back towards Earth from deep each sign. “Their meaning is always The room empties itself of light and stars interstellar space, the farthest-away view of relational,” she says. Even though the pepper the screen above. Robert Sullivan, our planet we’ve seen. “We now know there system is endlessly complicated, she one of New Zealand’s most important are actually more planets than stars, and yet, has the ability (duh) to communicate and influential Māori poets, reads poems we only know of one that holds life – that most complex ideas with beautiful, relating to the sky and its celestial bodies. little dot right there. And it’s wonderful.” measured clarity.

He devotes the most time to his best-known I doubt there are other literary festival collection Star Waka. His poetry really does events like this one. It was ambitious, but it suit being read aloud under the (fake) night worked. The three writers’ talks could have sky. “Your Venus is a pinprick in the sky / who doesn’t understand the been helped along by a convener to prompt discussion, making for science of your sighs,” he reads, and the stars brighten as the line ends, more of a cohesive experience. But I leave feeling contemplative and pulsing and glowing behind planets. With the writers seated behind meditative, eager to appreciate science and literature as two parts of a us at the edge of the room, their disembodied voices floating up in the whole, not as two separate things. I’m so keen to go look at the night dark are weirdly comforting. sky, to try and recreate that overawed feeling, that I forget to get my Next, Eleanor Catton gives an incredible talk on the intricate books signed. patterns of the zodiac, its mathematical and musical structure, and the attributes of each sign. “Their meaning is always relational,” she books we think everyone should read says. Even though the system is endlessly complicated, she has the #1 The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald ability (duh) to communicate most complex ideas with beautiful, The Great Gatsby has been called a bunch of things: the Great American measured clarity. Traced outlines of the constellations waft across the screen as she asks philosophical questions that, as she demonstrates, Novel, Leo’s Best Shot at an Oscar, etc. In the glittering excess of the the patterns of the zodiac boil down to: “What is the universe? Did 1920s, people party all night, crash fancy cars, and drink to stay drunk. we play a role in its making?” A weighty silence follows – we’re starting The decade of indulgence is on the brink of self-destruction and Nick Carraway, the narrator,​sways between enchantment and despair: “For a to feel really small, looking up at the blue clouds of the Milky Way – moment the last sunshine fell with romantic affection upon her glowing then a round of fervent applause. My mum, who’s been asleep since face; her voice compelled me forward breathlessly as I listened—then the Robert Sullivan, starts waking up. (I made her come with me.) glow faded, each light deserting her with lingering regret, like children Marcus Chown is the writer I’m most curious about. He writes for leaving a pleasant street at dusk.” In just 120 pages, Fitzgerald’s writing kids and adults about the universe and solar system, he’s done stand- will compel you forward breathlessly, headlong into the fading glow of the up comedy, and his goal is to be able to explain enormous scientific Jazz Age where mo’ money definitely​means mo’ problems.

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the them issue

VISUAL ART

A rt

as

Therapy

as

Bullshit

by Simon Gennard Last year, philosophers Alain de Botton and John Armstrong retrospective; some actions were meditative, others whimsical. published a book called Art as Therapy. In it, they propose that art has He noted my reluctance to engage with the objects. He wasn’t the potential to solve life’s most intimate dilemmas, but, they argue, wrong. Full disclosure: I hate being asked for input. As I was leaving we’re looking at it the wrong way. Organising art chronologically the house to go to my session, I decried participatory art as “fucking serves only to anaesthetise it. We’re accustomed to thinking of art irresponsible” or something a little less eloquent. Maling, however, academically, favouring rational readings to emotional responses, and never takes you further than you’re willing to go. Some patients, this allows for elitism to flourish. They outline a utopian vision of art he said, preferred to stay inside the room for the entire session, just appreciation, one in which art museums are modelled around their chatting. immediate emotional purpose. In their future, individual galleries in Eventually, I blindfolded myself and let Maling lead me around large institutions will be arranged around specific moral quandaries, the gallery. He told me to take my shoes off and I did. When I felt such as anxiety or loneliness. the time was right, I arranged a set of felt Right now, the idea seems novel to squares on the ground. the point of ridicule, but it is gaining The project’s appeal is in its They outline a utopian vision of traction. In May, the Rijksmuseum will transgression. There is something deeply art appreciation, one in which art display a large-scale exhibition curated by exciting about being granted permission museums are modelled around their immediate emotional purpose. In de Botton. Personally, I’m not convinced. to act outside a sanctioned behavioural their future, individual galleries in It may be the crippling debt I’ve accrued code. Maling’s manifestation of art as a large institutions will be arranged for my conviction in thinking about art therapeutic experience is perhaps more around specific moral quandaries, critically, or it may be because I like reading effective than de Botton and Armstrong’s, such as anxiety or loneliness. wall text. De Botton’s vision would assume because rather than relying on a pedagogic Right now, the idea seems novel consensus. It would require a didactic notion of what art should evoke, Maling to the point of ridicule, but it is approach from curators, one that makes allows for a reclamation of public space. gaining traction. claims for what artworks do to individual The patient is entitled to turn the gallery viewers based on a general feeling. into what they wish.

In arguing for a holistic overhaul of artUntil 22 March, at 29 Manners St viewing, though, the authors strike at a pertinent question. In the (formerly an ASB branch), artist Vanessa Crowe and Dr Sarah present climate, art’s claims to self-betterment are based more on Elsie Baker will be staging an installation called ‘Moodbank’. The the stockpiling of cultural capital than on a concern for emotional project is an examination of urban space as a site of exchange. Late wellbeing. capitalism relies on the suppression of emotion to sustain itself – to During the New Zealand Festival, Melbourne-based artist Jason act professionally is to refuse to dissociate the irrational self. At the Maling offered personalised sessions intended to cure patrons’ arts same time, governments are concerned with measuring the relative anxieties. Patients were led into a small room on City Gallery’s happiness of populations. Moodbank acknowledges the absurdity in first floor and asked to take a seat. Everything from the couch to trying to quantify collective happiness, but it also gives credence to the computer was upholstered in blue (almost International Klein humans as emotional creatures – its aim is to create an emotional Blue) billiard-table material. Adjacent to the couch stood two tables map of Wellington – to realign the value placed on particular kinds of equipped with a range of implements designed for healing – a mallet, happiness, and to refute the notion that it can be purchased. leather straps, blindfolds. After a brief chat, patients were encouraged De Botton has been accused (by me, right now) of a kind of blind to select items that may interest them and roam the galleries. idealism. The problems of disengagement are timely, but his solution – Maling plays with the disengagement de Botton and Armstrong a prescriptive populism – is too limiting. Both Maling and Moodbank are concerned with. Going so far as to pathologise it, as indifference rely on similar anxieties around alienation, but they let participants disorder – a natural defence against the oppressive nature of gallery drive the work. Art’s function as a tool for emotional healing can’t rely behaviour. During my own session with Maling, he showed me a on audiences being told how they should respond to art – rather, if art few examples of other patients; some took the opportunity to make is to re-establish itself as an unironic tool for social good, it must do so political statements – one woman, frustrated by the lack of seating with the complicity and input of its audience. in the gallery, placed a chair in the middle of Simon Starling’s

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41

T H EF AA TSRHEI O N

A N I N T ERV IEW A l e x a n d e r S pa r r ow i s a t h i r d - y e a r E n g l i sh L i t e r at u r e a n d T h e at r e s t u d e n t , b u t h e ch e e r f u l ly m a r k e t s h i m s e l f a s “ t h e b e s t t h i n g t h at ’ s h a p pe n e d to t h e w o r l d s i n c e N o rt h K o r e a b e c a m e a co u n t ry a n d pe o p l e s to p pe d ta l k i n g a b o u t t h at g u y t h at c l i m b e d M o u n t E v e r e s t .” I h a d t h e d e l i g h t o f i n t e rv i e w i n g t h e sc a l ly wag .

by Rose Cann What were your recent Fringe Festival shows centred around?

How did you become an established comedian on the Wellington One was called de Sade about the Marquis de Sade – one of the world’s scene? How did you start out? darkest minds and a renowned philosopher/pornographer. The other was I started doing weekly gigs at The Medicine at The Cavern Club on How to Pick Up Women, though it’s less about weightlifting and more Wednesdays, and Raw Meat Monday at Fringe Bar. The most important about seduction. I played five of the greatest pick-up artists. Both were thing is to have goals and back yourself. I put on shows and I make my one-man shows. own opportunities. Waiting for weekly gigs to come to you guarantees How did you handle a topic like ‘How to pick up women’ without stand-up will stay a hobby. You have to work hard. becoming a misogynist prick?

Why do you maintain this public persona of being so opinionated – I didn’t. Among the pieces of quality advice given (as different characters) often to the point of being an arsehole? were reliable hints like ‘make her feel ugly and take advantage of her while My job is to say what I think, not what everyone already believes. When she’s down’, right through to ‘pretend you’re I say North Korea is my favourite country physically disabled so she feels pity and can’t because it’s super-efficient and everyone M y j o b i s to s ay w h at I t h i n k , n ot help but talking to you’. I’m a comedian; if feels complete loyalty to their leader, people w h at e v e ry o n e a l r e a d y b e l i e v e s . you take everything I say literally, I’m not to remember it. Nobody cares about a LabourW h e n I s ay N o rt h K o r e a i s m y be blamed. That said, there’s always a little supporting comedian; I say vote Colin fav o u r i t e co u n t ry b e c a u s e i t ’ s bit of backwards logic that should make Craig! He stands for what he believes in. s u pe r - e f f i c i e n t a n d e v e ry o n e you sit up and think ‘that makes sense, even All I’m saying is New Zealand should be f e e l s co m p l e t e loya lt y to t h e i r though it shouldn’t’. Also, women are clearly a dictatorship and Winston Peters should l e a d e r , pe o p l e r e m e m b e r i t . N o b o d y better than men in every way – except for be our foreign-affairs minister. Also, New c a r e s a b o u t a L a b o u r - s u p p o rt i n g co m e d i a n pay rates, childbirth and G-strings (which are Zealand is a boring place. Put me on the $5 uncomfortable) – and I respect them for that. note pulling the finger with the slogan ‘New Do you consider yourself a master of Zealand, fuck yeah!’ instead of that dude that picking up aforementioned women? climbed a hill. Hillary was a beekeeper, and our national bird can’t even What is the correct answer to this? It’s either yes, I’m irresistable – a massive fly. We need to sort a few things out. claim; or no, I’m a failure – a reputation-destroying statement. I pick yes. See what I mean about you being an arsehole?

What does your girlfriend make of this?

I have an opinion, and it’s the right one. No apologies given. *girlfriends What can we expect from you next?

What challenges does working alone bring? And what reliefs?

It Was Supposed to Be a Joke is my solo show in the NZ International The only challenge in one-man shows is the organisation. All work, Comedy Festival – if you want opinions, jokes, and a bloody good time, deadlines, and problems go through me – in any other format, I would book now. be concentrating entirely on creativity. It can be very stressful, especially What advice would you give to a budding stand-up enthusiast? putting on two solo shows in one month.

Watch a lot, write a lot, perform a lot. Write about what people want to That said, there is no better format than the one-person show. I have hear about, in a new way. complete creative control, I can make any changes I like, and it’s my show. Highlight of your Fringe Festival?

When people come up and say they love one of them, I know for a fact On the last night, the show started late because somebody had stolen the it’s down to the work I’ve put in. I also do it for practical reasons. I can whip. My mum ran to Peaches and Cream and purchased an $80 riding tour a show whenever I like, I keep all the money, and I can get out into crop for me to be whipped with because all the other whips had been sold crowds and make sure they’re having a great time. Solo shows are the one (to me, on previous nights). My mother bought sex gear for me so I could way to guarantee I get paid for performing, which is what I’m here to do. be whipped in front of a paying crowd. It’s comedy gold – no one has a better story than that.

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the them issue

FASHION

A T RE N D Y T RAV ELLER

by Elise Munden

T

his summer, I was fortunate enough to spend an inspiring and spiritual five weeks travelling around Southeast Asia. Vietnam, Cambodia, Thailand, Laos, Singapore, Indonesia: beautiful.

Myself and my 24 travel buddies were told to “pack light”. I did not.

Here are the fashion-related lessons I learnt while abroad.

New Balances I hated the sports-shoes-as-a-style trend when it first became a thing in early 2013. And I swear, the only reason I purchased a pair of extortionately priced patent-leather New Balance 574s was to accommodate my aching feet as they trekked through the Southeast Asian terrain.

But even I, an until-now successful avoider of Good as Gold, found these shoes to be an amazing investment. They look good with anything – even Cambodian elephant pants – and were comfortable on those long intercontinental plane rides. AND you can take out the insoles should you need to wash them!

LBD My half-price plain little black dress from Glassons bought a week before departing New Zealand was another brilliant decision. I wore it probably 20 times on the trip, every time styling it differently. If you are planning on embracing the local culture in this part of the world (which you really, really should), you will undoubtedly end up purchasing multi-coloured multi-patterned clothes during your travels. These new acquisitions – including touristy T-shirts – can easily be layered over the top of your LBD, mixing your old and new fashion identity perfectly.

Bras One lace, one sports, one soccer-mom-who-prefers-comfort-overfashion. Sorted.

B u t w h i l e y o u ’ r e away …

Embrace the local culture!!! I cannot emphasise enough how important it is to get amongst the sometimes-insane clothing trends that you will encounter overseas. Trust me, no one will understand how cool your two-piece three-eyed-pineapple-print suit is when you return to Aotearoa.

O V ERSEE N AT V I C S a sh a

Third-year R e l i g i o u s S t u d i e s a n d P o l i t i cs W h at d i d y o u d o t h i s w e e k e n d ? P a r t i e d

hard.

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43

PUZZLES

Two Speed Cryptic Clues Across 1. Fearing nothing in the first flush of pride 7. Holly formed from evil experiment 8. A scuffle lets us out 10. Requests model to leave chores 11. Dot led out with child’s approach 13. Complete satisfaction with area people try first 16. Graduate, legal, with one African state 18. Distinguishing mark some girls ignore 20. Dismissed rent of market for goods 21. Spy the breakwater...

22. ...or return careless plays in stages

Target

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2. A number to you and me is quite common sense 3. He explored the Arctic from the cross-roads 4. Assuming dignity before temporary shelter over debts 5. Girl made off with sign of royal authority 6. Fountainhead in good condition 9. Remove sack from basking animal’s covering 12. Length of former canvas shelter

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the them issue

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Across 1. Fearless 7. Holly Genus 8. Wrestle 10. Requests 11. Unsteady gait 13. Happiness 16. African nation 18. Signal 20. Vent 21. Small mammal 22. Platforms Down 2. Good sense 3. Arctic explorer 4. Ostentatious 5. Crown 6. Waterhole 8. A powder 9. Covering 12. Full area 14. Tormentor 15. Sinful 17. Highly excited 18. Mix 19. Disease carrier

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Quick Clues

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14. Problem caused by irritating person 15. Bad, vile, bad again 17. State of eagerness in silver turn up 18. One right under street’s commotion 19. Some danger may arise from this microbe

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WHATS ON Books Live Poetry at the Museum of City and Sea Featuring Harry Ricketts and other Wellington poets. Free!

Thursday 20 March, 6 pm Writers Walk Tour On World Poetry Day, take a $5 guided tour around Queens Wharf to explore Wellington’s poetry.

Friday 21 March, 12.30 pm Bookings at the Museum of City and Sea

FASHION Look out for Lorde’s upcoming line of MAC cosmetics.

Film Footrot Flats: The Dog’s (Tail) Tale Witness the classic cartoon in action in New Zealand’s first full-length feature animated film.

Wed 19 Mar 2014 — Sat 22 Mar 2014, 7–8.15 pm (Sat 22 Mar 2014 additional screening at

4.30 pm) The Film Archives Tickets: General admission, $8 Concession, $6 Cuban Fury Premiere with CubanFusion British comedy about salsa dancing.

CubanFusion have booked out a cinema at Lighthouse Cuba to premiere this movie + entice you to experience some salsa-dancing classes afterwards if you feel so inspired.

Thursday 20 March, 5.45–8 pm Lighthouse Cuba cinema Special price tickets: $13.50 (vs normal price of $17.50) email rosina@cubanfusion.co.nz to be added to the list

Music Pokey LaFarge Bodega, $40 Thursday 20 March, 8 pm Queens of the Stone Age & Nine Inch Nails TSB Arena, $125 Thursday 20 March, 8 pm Grayson Gilmour (solo show, album release) Puppies, $10 Friday 21 March, 9 pm John the Baptist farewell show Mighty Mighty, $10 Saturday 22 March, 9 pm This week at Valhalla, 154 Vivian St Mon 17 – Jam Night – Free Wed 19 – Student Wednesday – Hault, The Joint Chiefs, Stretch To Mould – $5 Thurs 20 – Open 5 pm, $10 Jugs Fri 21 – Blue Bloods, Bloody Dogs,

JOHNNY YES / NO – $5 Sat 22 – Execrate, Brutal Supremacy, Pervertor – $5

Visual Arts Tom Mackie: Open Facade Enjoy, March 19 – April 12, Opening: Wednesday, March 19, 5:30pm Waterfalls, lighthouses, lakes: Landscape Aesthetics in New Zealand Adam Art Gallery, Thursday 20 March, 6 pm A live discussion on New Zealand’s landscape tradition with curator Michelle Menzies and Laurence Simmons.

Culture for Sale: Live performances City Gallery, Saturday 22 March, 12 – 1 pm A live performance and video installation artwork by artist Shigeyuki Kihara.

THEATRE Black Romedy 18th to 22nd, 6.30 pm, BATS Out of Site Concession tickets $14 I, Monster 19th to 22nd, 8 pm, BATS Out of Site Concession tickets $14 Pasefika Circa Theatre, 22nd to 29th, 8 pm, Tickets $55 Sunday Storytelling 23 and 30 March, Zealandia Eco Sanctuary, Adult tickets $17.50

VBC GUIDE BREAKFAST 8 .10 A M

MONDAY

10 A M NOON NOON 2.00PM 2.00 4.00PM

DEAD MAN MONDAY

WITH CASEY & JOSS

TBC

WITH ELEANOR & SIMON

STREET KNOWLEDGE

WITH SAM & HUGH

TUNES WITH TAMBLY INFIDEL CASTRO

WITH PHILIP MCSWEENEY

2 4 1

FRIDAY

TWO HOURS WITH TIMTAM

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

DEAD BOYSʼ PIRATE RADIO WITH WILL

DEAD AIR

WITH PEARCE

DOMO ARIGATO

WITH MR ROBATO

THURSDAY DRIVE WITH A.D.D

WITH DUNCAN & CAM

WAKE N BAKE

WITH OLLIE & ASHER

SASAENG SATURDAYS

WITH SAVANNAH

THE SALIENT SHOW

WITH GEORGE ARMSTRONG

RAW POLITIK

[T B D]

WITH HUGO

7. 0 0 9.00PM 9.00 11 . 0 0 P M

THURSDAY

MUSIC, NEWS, INTERVIEWS, GIVEAWAYS

ROBANDTAMMY

11 P M 1. 0 0 A M

WEDNESDAY

THE VBC BREAKFAST SHOW JIVING JAMES & GROOVING GREG

DRIVE 4 - 7PM

TUESDAY

WITH CIARAN & SOPHIE

BAD SCIENCE WITH LOU

SUPERFLUOUS SUPERHEROS

SIGNAL SOUNDS

WITH TIM & ALEX

WITH HOLLY, S TUMBLE, GOOSEHEAD & VIC SERATONIN

WITH MATT & FRIENDS

THE B-SIDE REVOLUTION

WITH RICHARD

PRE-LOAD

THE NIGHT SHIFT WITH CHRIS

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45

TEDxVUW

Heard of TED Talks? Then you’ll want to come to this! Open to VUW students only, this is an independently organised TED event. Tickets are on sale now from www.tedxvuw.com Date: Saturday 29 March Time: 11 am – 5 pm Venue: The Hunter Lounge, Victoria University of Wellington

Woman’s Cricket!

Vic Uni Cricket is holding a Women’s Cricket Fun Afternoon on Sunday 23 March at 2 pm at Kelburn Park. We’re going to have a social bat/bowl, followed by a drink and catch-up afterwards. We can provide all cricket gear, or bring your own. All interested players welcome and any standard is okay. The plan is to enter a social Twenty20 team next season!

For any more info or to register your interest in Women’s Cricket, contact Sabrina Hayward – 0277280170 – sabrina.hayley@ hotmail.co.nz.

Vic OE

EXCHANGE FAIR COMING UP NEXT THURS 27 MARCH! Come along and find out where you could study as part of your degree! Win prizes, food & more!

Thursday 27 March, Maclaurin Foyer, 11 am – 3 pm Why not study overseas as part of your degree?!

Study in English, earn Vic credit, get StudyLink & grants, explore the world!

Weekly seminars on Wednesdays, Level 2, Easterfield Building, 12.50 pm Website: http://victoria.ac.nz/exchange Visit us: Level 2, Easterfield Building Drop-in hours: Mon & Tues 9–12, Wed–Fri 10–12

CAN DO’S IGM

Can Do’s IGM will be held on 18 March in the Memorial Theatre Foyer in the Student Union Building, Level 2, from 12–1 pm.

Come along to hear about Can Do’s plan for this year and vote for the open Exec member positions! Voting at 12.30 pm. There will be food supplied!

Film Society

Do you long for the adventure of the high seas? The rigours of a life of exploration? All the power and money you could want? Of course you do, and though Victoria’s own Film Society can’t give you those things, we do show free films every Thursday from 6 pm in the Memorial Theatre (SU building).

Drop by this week and relish in a romantic double-feature: both How to Meet Girls From a Distance and In the Mood for Love will be played for you to watch. Those who dare can

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the them issue

NOTICES If you want to send something to the Salient Notices Page, please do.

Notices must be 100 words or less.

They must in by Wednesday at 5 pm. Send them to us at editor@salient.org.nz become VIP members for only $10! More info here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/ vicunifilmsociety/

Commerce and Law Careers Expo

Tuesday 18 March 2014 11 am – 2 pm Rutherford House Ground & Mezzanine Foyers Wonderful opportunity to explore future work opportunities in a relaxed and informal setting. Don’t miss out! For some employers, this is the only time they recruit and the only event where you get to meet them in person!

- 40+ stalls jam-packed with career opportunities!

- Free professional memberships!

- Free careers handouts and advice! + countless summer internships and graduate opportunities on offer!

Upcoming Free Careers Events for all students

Audit NZ – 17 March Crowe Horwath – 18 Mar Treasury – 19 Mar CAANZ – 25 Mar Reserve Bank – 27 Mar

2014/15 Internships and Graduate Jobs!

Applications closing soon: Chevron Australia – 19 Mar DLA Phillips Fox – 20 Mar Buddle Findlay – 20 Mar Chapman Tripp – 20 Mar Minter Ellison Rudd Watts – 20 Mar Mayne Wetherell – 20 Mar KPMG – 23 Mar Duncan Cotterill Lawyers – 24 Mar EY – 24 Mar Audit NZ – 25 Mar Staples Rodway – 26 Mar Grant Thornton – 26 Mar PricewaterhouseCoopers – 26 Mar Crowe Horwath – 28 Mar Bank of New Zealand – 28 Mar Woodside Energy – 28 Mar Wilson Harle – 28 Mar Motu Economic and Public Policy Research Trust – 30 Mar Fonterra – 30 Mar Deloitte – 30 Mar Unilever Australia & New Zealand – 31 Mar Details on CareerHub: www.victoria.ac.nz/

careerhub Start preparing your CV – attend workshops, get your CV checked…

Business and Investment Club

The Business and Investment Club (BIC) invites you to the VIP guest-speaker event “Sir Robert Jones: My story”. The famous Kiwi entrepreneur, property developer and author is coming to Victoria University to share some of his experience with business, commercial property, travel and life in general. Come and find out what helped him succeed, what he did with his life after finishing his degree at Victoria University, where he travelled, and how he got into business and why he chose to invest in commercial property. This is a very unique opportunity to pick the brain of a highly influential and knowledgeable person and you certainly shouldn’t miss it! The event takes place on Monday 24 March at 4.30 pm @ SU218 (Student Union Building, Kelburn Campus).

Criminal Injustice: MAori, Racism, and Mass Incarceration

Guest speakers: Julia Whaipooti (JustSpeak) and Derwin Smith (ISO Taamaki Makaurau) The prison system disproportionately affects Māori and Pasifika people. The powers of the state – to harass, humiliate, detain and lock-up – are felt every day in brown people’s lives. The history of white settler colonial rule has relied on locking up and disenfranchising Māori people. A new phase in capitalism, and the symptoms of poverty in recession, looks to imprisonment again.

When: 6.30 pm, Tuesday 18 March.

Where: SU309, Student Union Building.

Hosted by the International Socialists.

DO PEOPLE EVEN READ THE NOTICES?

Salient has 6 free onesies to give away. Simply email us at editor@salient.org.nz to nab yourself some fashun. First in first served.

Get help with your assignments

It’s coming up to assignment time of year, and it’s a great idea to have your study and research skills sorted. That’s where our extra helpful Library Research Skills workshops come in handy.

The workshops are run by our Subject Librarians who will give you tips and tricks to help with finding resources for your assignments, essential introductory search skills, as well as help with assignment questions.

Every Monday at 10 am and Wednesday at 3 pm from Monday 17 March until 16 April, in RB106 For more info, see library.victoria.ac.nz

contributors editors:

D un c an M c L a c hlan & C a m e r on P r i c e designer: Imogen Temm n e w s e d i t o r : S o p h i e B oo t c r e a t i v e e d i t o r : C hlo e D av i e s chief sub-editor: Nick Fargher distributor: Joe Morris f e a t u r e w r i t e r : P h i l i p M c S w e e n e y ( c h i e f ) , P e nn y G aul t , A l e x H oll i s n e w s i n t e r n s : S i m on D e nn i s , S t e p h T r e n g r ov e

arts editors: N i na P o w l e s ( B oo k s ) , C ha r lo t t e D o y l e ( F i l m ) , H e n r y C oo k e ( M u s i c ) , R o s e C ann ( T h e a t r e ) , S i m on G e nna r d ( V i s ual A r t s ) , E l i s e M un d e n ( F a s h i on ) g e n e r al c on t r i b u t o r s : J onn y A b b o t t , S on y a C la r k , T o m D an b y , M a d e l e i n e F o r e m an , E m m a H u r l e y , R u s s K al e , E v e K e nn e d y , M oll y M c C a r t h y , J o r d an M c C lu s k e y , H u g o M c K i nnon , A n d r e w M a t au t i a , E l e ano r M e r t on , G u s M i t c h e ll , S a m N o rt h cot t , V i n i O l s e n - R e e d e r , S a m P atc h e t t ( s p o rts w r i t e r ) , P r e y a R e g una t han , O ll i e R i t c h i e , S o f i a R o b e r t s , C a r lo S al i zzo , W i l b u r T o w n s e n d , R i c k Z w aan

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47

“When people just walk past you though eh... I'm a human too, y'know. And they think I'm homeless?

Don't call me homeless, man. We're not fuckin' homeless, we have a place out in the Hutt, we have places to sleep. We're just poor [laughs].”

— Miri