Food | Issue 04

Salient Issue 4

Food

Vol. 79

Contents Features

16

A Candyland University

18

It was very salty and the sauce was gross.

26 Gutted.

News

5 Massive Misogyny

5

Lording it over students

7

Cat theft and loud noises

10

Kate and Jayne talk diversity with Uncle Grant

Regular Content

3 Editorial

12 Māori Matters

35 W.W.T.A.W.W.T.A.S.

37 Visual Arts

12

One Ocean

13 Gee-mail

14

VUWSA Exec

15

34

Miss Demeanour

35 “Sports!”

38 Music

Letters & Notices

30

Single Sad Postgrad

42 Games

31

Stressed, Depressed and Well-dressed

31

Breathing Space

44 Books

32

Reaching Out

45 Theatre

32

The Queer Agenda

46 Puzzles

33 Food

40 Film

43 TV

Editors: Emma Hurley Jayne Mulligan

Editors’ Letter In this week’s issue Finn unwittingly got caught up in apocalypse, and was forced to sustain himself on a few items of dubious (at best) canned food for a weekend.

Brodie discusses the intricacies and realities of being diagnosed with IBS, a common illness that messes with people’s access to food, and one that many of us don’t know enough about. We had a look at food on campus, within the wider context of healthy food, obesity, and whose responsibility it is to care about any of this. In the news this week, Kate and Jayne interviewed the Vice Chancellor, Grant Guilford, about his take on the university’s efforts to become a more diverse environment.

As always, there is a stack of great columns and reviews.

We hope you have a great time reading. And to kick it all off, we restaged the famous scene in Lady and the Tramp where they share a noodle, just for you—sweet reader.

But, before we go further (or you go further) we wanted to address the matters of last week.

All week we felt a sense of disappointment and baffled disbelief at Massive’s recent cover choice. Why does the woman look like she is in pain? Why is the face of whoever is behind her obscured, why is it completely in the dark? Did it occur to the editor that a woman can in fact engage in sex work, willingly, happily, and be totally in control of this work? Not to mention that the connection between the image and the (lacklustre) article it relates to is tenuous at best. The image denotes pain and anguish, a hostile patron, and an overwhelming sense of discomfort from the subject. In short, sickening and inexcusable.

Has the editor ever experienced sexual violence, does he care that people who have will be looking at this image? Is he also aware that this issue is a pervasive

one in the sex-work industry, one which needs to be constructively dealt with, and not stereotypically portrayed to increase their pick-up rate. There are so many different ways to represent student sex-workers, why pick the low-hanging fruit? Dehumanising images of women, and sex-workers in general, abound—why was the editor eager to add to this?

As student magazines are editorially independent, the editor has the final say. There have been calls for Massey University and its students’ association to step in and monitor the content of the magazine before it is published. It’s a shame that not only does this seem like a logical precaution, but it also sets a concerning precedent of censorship. The University and students’ association were well within their rights to condemn and oppose the material once it had been published, but more importantly, perhaps they made a massive mistake in their appointment of editorial power.

As an editor of a student magazine, you should be aware of the impact of your decisions. You should be sensitive to your readership. You should make your utmost attempt to uphold decent values and refrain from being racist, homophobic, misogynist, one would expect.

At this stage, apologies are futile, and the damage has been done. The current editor needs to step THE FUCK up and provide a better example to a society that is already plagued with sexual violence and misogyny. We expect a MASSIVE donation to either Wellington Rape Crisis or Women’s Refuge, who are on the frontlines of dealing with the fallout of our patriarchal culture. xoxo Emma & Jayne

Going Up

Jonathan Gee •

Body positivity.

•

Twisties, a retro fave.

•

Michelle Obama. She released a song called “This Is For Our My Girls” and it rocks.

•

Donating spare organs.

•

H2O.

How long have you been VUWSA President for?

In my heart, years, but IRL like 3 months. Best 3 months of my life though!

What’s the best part of your job?

Being able to see all the students line up for the VUWSA tacos was a great feeling. I’m passionate about students’ rights to free tacos - which is currently being threatened by the government.

Students need a strong voice to ensure the continued provision of tacos.

What’s the worst part of your job?

I have to write a column for Salient every week, and I have heard that it is a disgusting travesty!

So what do you actually do?

I Instagram my socks, and tweet about them. It gets exhausting but I am passionate about creating an eclectic vibe and becoming a sock-role-model for students. VUWSA needs to devote more efforts to sock diversity on campus - that will be my legacy.

Going Down •

Sugar.

•

MASSIVE.

•

Flies. Fucking flies fucking suck.

•

Over the counter chit chat.

•

Single-use plastics.

Kanye West or Kendrick Lamar Gee-Eazy ;) Any Parting words of wisdom?

In the words of my dear friend, Mr Marx: Capital is dead labor, which, vampire-like, lives only by sucking living labor, and lives the more, the more labor it sucks.

Keen to kōrero He waka tere toku I have a fast car

Humdingers Aussie footballer Liam Knight has been caught speeding and drunk driving on the equivalent of a restricted license. When pulled over, he allegedly sprayed aerosol down his throat to avoid being breath tested.

10 birds fitted with miniature backpacks carrying pollution sensors and GPS trackers are flying around London, tweeting their data to measure air pollution. Often discriminated against and labelled ‘sky rats’, these pigeons are helping to fight smog and deserve a medal.

04

Ata marie Good morning

21.03.16

Massive Misogyny

News

A social justice movement on Vic Deals has emerged against the “dodgy practices” of Neil Patel and his property management company Challenge Rentals.

Naginbhai Neil Patel—president of the New Zealand Association of Dairies, Groceries and Small Businesses—is the landlord of many student properties in Wellington, and owns Shalimar Dairy on Willis Street.

The movement has garnered the support of hundreds online. Alleged complaints from previous tenants include unexpected increases in rent, Patel’s abuse of tenants’ power, and his failings to correctly lodge bonds with the Tenancy Tribunal.

Patel has defended himself, telling media that the creator of the original post owes him $2000. It is unclear what measures he is taking to recover the money, or whether he has lodged a claim with the Tenancy Tribunal.

Since 2014, Challenge Rentals had been party to 16 orders in front of the Tenancy Tribunal.

Former tenant Jacob Peyton challenged the property management company after Patel raised his rent, and won due to the failure of the landlord to give a written notice of rent increase. He also told the Tribunal that Patel would refuse the tenants the use of the garage attached to the property, as he used it to siphon their electricity for his power tools.

According to Tenancy Practice Service director Scotney Williams, this is a gross abuse of authority and would be considered theft by the landlord. Williams said, “Tenants who have not been served with an appropriate notice should refuse to pay the increase and immediately apply to the Tribunal.”

VUWSA President Jonathan Gee told Salient, “The situation highlights the power imbalance that is not uncommon in tenant-landlord relationships.” He urged that “any student feeling helpless around a tenancy issue to seek the support of the VUWSA Advocacy Service for advice.”

Gee added “the situation highlights the need for changes in the way the Tenancy Tribunal operates. All too often bad landlords get off scot-free because tenants either don’t want to wait six to eight weeks to be heard by the Tribunal or fear retribution if they do go to the Tribunal.”

Patel often posts videos of what he describes as Shalimar karaoke on the dairy’s Facebook page. In one video posted in 2015, Patel films himself walking around the store, coercing shoppers into singing along to Neil Diamond with him.

05

Alasdair Keating

Massey University’s student magazine MASSIVE, has come under fire for the representation of women on the cover of its recent issue—causing massive outrage.

Tertiary Women New Zealand’s Rights Officer, Izzy O’Neill, said the cover art fetishised sexual violence, “presenting sex work as an inherently violent occupation helps to maintain cultural beliefs that violence is a hazard of the occupation. Fetishised, homogeneous representations help to normalize this kind of violent behavior in these workplaces.”

O’Neill was concerned about the message the image was sending to women on campus.“The image is triggering, and the lack of control in being able to not see the image as it is the cover is appalling. If someone showed you this image in the workplace, that would constitute sexual harassment.”

New Zealand Prostitutes’ Collective spokesperson Ahi Wi-Hongi said “‘the picture is not an accurate reflection of sex workers who are also students. An accurate picture might be a woman in her lecture theatre with a bag of books, spare clothes and condoms.”

The editors of MASSIVE did not respond to requests for comment, but released a statement on in response to the criticism. They acknowledged the cover, “may be triggering or cause harm for some students” and added, “we feel it is our role to raise awareness about challenging topics, and to create a healthy discussion about issues that may affect students.”

To reduce further possible harm or offence to students, MASSIVE removed the image from their Facebook page and covered their magazine stands to obscure the cover.

Massey Wellington Students’ Association (MAWSA) released a statement stressing their independence from MASSIVE and saying they did not condone the cover.

This is not the first time MASSIVE has been criticized.

In May 2015, their ‘Guru’ advice column was heavily criticised for promoting sexual violence.

Massey University have told media they will not be getting involved.

“Massey is not the publisher of student media, it’s published by the students association,” said communications director James Gardiner. “We don’t have any comment. The complaints need to be directed to the magazine editor.”

“For MAWSA or the University to say that they have no say in determining the safety of their students is a failure of leadership,” O’Neill commented. “Institutions, and especially students’ associations, should be actively trying to foster a campus climate where students feel safe and respected; where they can pursue their studies with dignity; where misogyny is intolerable.”

O’Neill commented that if this wasn’t already a value of the University that “this is a clear opportunity for the people with the power to influence, educate and advocate for better campus cultures and to step up and take action now.”

Lording it over students

Jennie Louise Kendrick

news@salient.org.nz

21.03.16

Alex Feinson

Okay, it seems we are not going to stop talking about this.

Last Monday the Waitangi Tribunal began proceedings for a week-long inquiry into the Trans-Pacific Partnership Agreement (TPPA).

The Waitangi Tribunal announced in December, three months before the deal was signed in February, that there was a just cause to carry out an urgent inquiry, after there a resounding consensus within the Māori community that the trade deal will not protect their interests.

The proceedings covered a broad range of topics including the economic interests of Māori, environmental protections, and most importantly, the Treaty of Waitangi and the issue of Māori sovereignty.

Nine complaints were heard during the inquiry, mostly coming from iwi in the upper North Island.

On the first day of proceedings, Auckland University Professors Jane Kelsey and Dr Papaarangi Reid raised issue with the TPPA’s potential impact on the health sector, stating that any changes to the price and availability of non-generic medicines would directly create an inequality in society for Māori and those in lower socioeconomic areas.

Later in the week, the Tribunal heard from Māori activist and former politician Hone Harawira, Mori Council

co-chairman Maanu Paul, and Māori Chair for the Te Tai Tokerau district, Rihari Dargaville.

Victoria University law lecturer and Treaty of Waitangi expert Carwyn Jones told Salient the investigation was likely to take several months. Following the release of recommendations, he said it was likely the Government will choose to engage and consult with Māori, because it was a straightforward option that would paint them in a positive light without requiring them to actually change anything.

The inquiry came as bad timing for the government, with the nationwide TPPA roadshow continuing in the same week, in Dunedin on March 14, and finishing up in Wellington on March 18.

The government are standing by their statement that the TPPA will not diminish Māori rights, but the truth of this will be unclear until the deal is ratified.

At the end of the inquiry process, the Waitangi Tribunal will have issued a series of non-binding recommendations to the Crown on how to proceed.

There is no requirement for the government to adhere to or rectify any concerns that are raised from the inquiry process.

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21.03.16

Cat theft and loud noises The media frenzy continues

experience.”

KJ resident Jack Jones argued, “it’s our location, the fact that we’re new, and the press that we’ve had in the past that has caused all this backlash from the media.

They’re just using us as the scapegoat for the rest of the people of Victoria’s drinking.”

“People come into town because that’s where they go to drink. It’s not just us. You can’t base the problems on us because of our location.”

“There’s more noise from motorbikers and people in fast cars going past than from people chanting. That is straight true.”

Replies to Guildford’s post carried a similar sentiment, with one reading, “is there even a chance for us to discuss with Grant Guilford the exact reasons why this ban has been put in place? Or is all we get a message through Facebook?”

When asked about the allegations being taken so seriously by the university, one KJ student said, “I think they should come to the hall and have a look what’s going on. I don’t think they’ll find too much wrong.”

As reported in Salient on March 6, Weir House also found themselves on the receiving end of the university’s wrath.

A Kelburn Parade resident spoke of their encounters with Te Puni Village first years, telling Salient they’d “found people passed out in togas in our garden needing medical care.” Drunk first years had also tried to steal their cat!

Attempted cat theft aside, the resident added, “most of the time the first years are lovely, no dramas. Maybe the odd loud night from the halls, but nothing unreasonable.”

Many students and neighbourhood residents have argued the level of rowdiness is acceptable, exaggerated by media, and to be expected in inner-city areas around university halls.

Hazardous drinking is on the decline amongst young people, according to the 2012/13 New Zealand Health Survey, published in 2015. The rate of hazardous drinking among drinkers aged 18 to 24 years dropped from 49% in 2006/07, to 36% in 2011/12.

Students who are concerned about their drinking and want to make changes can get advice at likeadrink.org.nz.

The Alcohol Drug Helpline (0800 787 797) provides free and confidential support for anyone concerned about their own or another person’s alcohol or drug use. The helpline is open from 10.00am–10.00pm, every day.

07

Olly Clifton

Katheryn Jermyn hall (KJ) is on an 11 day alcohol ban, which could become indefinite, following numerous complaints about noise from its ‘rowdy’ first year residents.

Vice Chancellor Grant Guilford informed residents of the ban via the KJ Facebook page.

Guildford’s post read: “I have instructed the management of KJ Hall to impose a complete alcohol ban on the Hall until Monday 28th March. If I am not satisfied that residents of the hall (or their visitors) are behaving respectfully to neighbours, the alcohol ban will not be lifted. Any further allegations of the type already received this week will be treated seriously and may result in proceedings being brought under the Student Conduct Statute.”

Like most halls of residence, KJ sets its quiet hours at 10.00pm. After this time, students drinking alcohol have to leave the building. Problems have arisen when students have reportedly been loitering outside in the street instead of going to town.

Joan Stevens residents have apparently been walking past KJ, heckling the hall in a manner that some neighbours have said “surpassess mere banter.”

A Joan Stevens resident who wished to remain anonymous (who will herein be referred to as Snitch), said he’d only heard a solid group “fuck KJ” chant occurring on the street once, with the occasional “fuck Joan Stevens.”

Snitch added, “it doesn’t actually happen that much now after O-Week anyway.”

The events at KJ come off the back of several weeks of bad press, with certain media outlets labelling Victoria as “the new Otago.”

VUWSA President Jonathan Gee is concerned about the effect this could have on student’s reputations, telling Salient, “concern around the university’s reputation should not govern the solutions to the behaviour.”

“Punitive measures such as alcohol bans are a quick fix and don’t address the root of the problem. It’s about evidence-based approaches such as restorative justice techniques and fostering a sense of community from the outset.”

Gee said the discourse surrounding the hall was “a complete misrepresentation of the vast majority at KJH who conduct themselves responsibly.” He added, “anyone coming to Wellington instead of Dunedin is coming precisely because they want a different student

Fun and fabulous festival with a serious message

Don’t swim in the rivers!

With events that spanned almost two weeks, Wellington’s annual Pride Festival parade started at Frank Kitts Park and ended at Waitangi Park. The purpose of the parade was to make the public aware of the past, what can be done for the future, and to use it as a political statement.

This year marks the 30th anniversary of the Homosexual Law Reform Act 1986, which legalised sexual intercourse between males in New Zealand.

The festival opened with a welcome ceremony at parliament with prominent enactors of the reform at the event. One trans women discussed how her mother use to beat her to make conform to her biological sex. She forgave her mother because she understands that it was best for her to avoid the humiliation from others during a time when transsexuals were not accepted in society.

Mani Mitchell also spoke about what it was like to be an intersex* person growing up, and said there needs to be more education about intersex in order for people to be more accepting.

Alex Mark, UniQ President, said, “a highlight [of the celebration] was definitely seeing so many young people out supporting 30 years of law reform and celebrating our diversity. It was also great to see a wide range of groups out marching.”

VUWSA were also active in the parade and the general festivities. VUWSA President Jonathan Gee said of the event, “it was great to be part of an event that celebrates diversity and embraces inclusiveness. We marched proudly alongside UniQ at the Pride Parade. The parade was a testament for the city and society that we want to become.”

Choose Clean Water NZ (CCW), a group demanding tougher legislation to ensure the quality of freshwater, are urging New Zealanders to stand behind them as they present a petition to parliament on March 29.

CCW have been touring the country to gain signatures, and shine a light on New Zealand’s freshwater crisis.

With 60% of rivers not meeting the health standards for swimming, CCW have said, “as it stands in current law, our rivers and lakes are allowed to pose ‘moderate risk’ of infection when people are wading or boating in them [secondary contact, as opposed to primary contact— swimming].”

They want the Government to take measurements to allow current and future generations to be able to swim confidently in freshwater systems, without fear of things such as giardia and skin infection.

CCW expressed great concern with the current water quality and standards, telling Salient, “we see waterways everywhere being treated in law and in practice as dirty drains.”

Environment Minister Nick Smith said of the issue, “I do not think a legal requirement for every water body in New Zealand to be swimmable is practical […] Those looking for instant solutions are going to be disappointed [...] we need to be looking for progressive gains.”

Labour party Spokesperson for the Environment and Water, David Parker disagreed with Smith and told Salient, “we have weak district plans and a weak national policy statement.”

Parker said “the most important river is the one closest to you. The river closest to you should be swimmable. If this happened for each of us, every river in New Zealand would be swimmable, like it should be.”

At the time of print CCW’s petition had received 10,600 signatures. They are hoping to reach 15,000 signatures by March 29.

*Intersex is a general term for a person who has variations in sex characteristics and does not identify as predominantly as either male or female.

Charlie Prout

Proud but not Protected

Mani Bruce Mitchell, one of the organizers of the hui and ILGA advocate, told Salient, “in New Zealand gender identity is not a ‘protected’ category in our human rights legislation, [...which means] in New Zealand we currently have very poor access to health care.”

Currently there is no recommended care pathway in New Zealand DHBs (including Wellington’s) for transgender people to receive hormone treatment or gender reassignment surgery. This is despite an increasing number of transgender people being referred to endocrinologists and other doctors regarding gender transition.

The Proud Hui welcomed people from all over Oceania for the event, and celebrated the 30 year anniversary of the passing of the Homosexual Law Reform Bill.

Health care for queer and trans people has come to the fore during recent LGBTQI+ pride celebrations, which saw the Proud Hui come to Wellington.

The hui was held by International Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans and Intersex (ILGA) Oceania, and it brought over 200 people to the capital.

The conference focused on improving healthcare for queer and trans people in Oceania, aiming to “re-ignite the fires of the LGBTI community on issues of Human Rights and Health in the states of Papua New Guinea, Australia, New Zealand, the South Pacific, Melanesia and the Micronesian Islands.”

08

Siobhan O’Connor

Matthew Collier

21.03.16

21.03.16

Salient Quiz Joshua James 1.

2. If I was eating a Roti Sans Pareil, I would be eating what?

3. What is former Prime Minister Jenny Shipley’s middle name?

If a Royal Commonwealth Society survey is turned into action, it could soon become a lot easier for New Zealand residents to live and work in Australia, Canada, and the UK. It was found that 58% of Britons, 70% of Australians, 75% of Canadians, and 82% of New Zealanders were in favour of visa-free access across the four nations.

The policy the survey proposes would strengthen the ties between Commonwealth nations which share a “unique bond” through a common head of state, as well as similar legal and economic system, the report says.

The survey found strong support for free labour mobility between the four nations, suggesting that more Commonwealth countries could be included.

There was overwhelming support for the changes from New Zealanders between 18 and 30, a group which also had the highest recorded support level across all measured demographics at 90%.

VUWSA president, Jonathan Gee, was “unsurprised” that this figure is so high. “I think students, and young people in general, are a very mobile people,” Gee said.

“Free labour mobility would allow young people to work in “expensive countries that often require an income to live in.”

Globalisation, education opportunities, and employment opportunities are just some of the reasons cited by students supporting the proposal.

Jelmer Burger, a third year commerce and law student, believes “the appeal is that [these] countries have strong economies and are culturally similar to ours.”

Third year sociology and anthropology student Rachael Brown, favours the proposal.

“Going through a visa process is time and resource consuming and the idea of having to be restricted to travelling in certain countries because of your nationality is pretty dated in the diversified, more fluid world we live in right now.”

If the proposal was to be implemented, New Zealand students would have greater education opportunities with increased access to overseas universities. Hayato Clarke, a recent biology graduate, said it would be good because students would “be able to choose a better education if they wanted to.”

However, restrictions on overseas borrowers could see students prevented from travelling abroad should the proposal go forward, something Gee believes “will be quite a big restriction as student loan debt reaches 15 billion.”

4. A whole stuffed camel, that is cooked eggs stuffed into fish stuffed into chickens stuffed into sheep which is then stuffed into a camel, is commonly served at what Bedouin celebration?

5. On April 21st Queen Elizabeth will be celebrating turning what age?

6. How much will a bottle of Dom Perignon Magnum Vintage 2005 cost you?

7. Last week Britain introduced a tax on what kind of food?

8. In 2014 what was the value of New Zealand’s kiwifruit exports?

9. Following France’s decision to make all unsold food from supermarkets be donated to the homeless, which European country has adopted similar legislation?

10. How many people in the world do not have enough food to lead a healthy active life?

1) Haggis (this is a hyperbole, haggis has more than just offal and oatmeal. Just.). 2) A bustard stuffed with a turkey stuffed with a goose stuffed with a pheasant stuffed with a chicken stuffed with a duck stuffed with a guinea fowl stuffed with a teal stuffed with a woodcock stuffed with a partridge stuffed with a plover stuffed with a lapwing stuffed with a quail stuffed with a thrush stuffed with a lark stuffed with an ortolan bunting stuffed with a garden warbler stuffed with an olive stuffed with an anchovy stuffed with a single caper. Made popular by a French chef in 1807. 3) Mary. 4) Weddings. 5) 90. 6) Around $800 New Zealand dollars. 7) Soft drinks 8) $930,695,914.

9) Italy. 10) Some 795 million people That’s about one in nine people on earth

Meriana Johnsen

A promise of freedom

Which traditional Scottish dish is just sheep’s offal and oatmeal?

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21.03.16

Kate Robertson and Jayne Mulligan

Kate and Jayne talk diversity with Uncle Grant any judgement over that either.”

“The other side is that there is some judgement that’s put on people who make that decision, they can feel lesser in themselves about that decision, and that shouldn’t be right either.” He really just wants to remove the obstacles, after that, woman can choose what they want to do.

Do you think fewer female professors is just a natural drop off?

Yeah, there’s a challenge. We’re seeing good response to a generational change in the university. We now hire more lecturers who are female and we’ve got more and more senior positions being filled by women. I’m pretty sure that senior lecturers are close to 50/50. In the Associate Professor range we start to see the males being more dominant. Over the last five years there’s been a steady change, and there are more and more females coming through. Our biggest equity issue is getting women into those senior positions. Some of that is starting to improve over time and a catchment of very talented young women start to go into senior positions. But there is more pressure from our society at the childbearing age for the woman to take the key role in that family raising. That’s a conversation between a couple, but it is one that holds women back because, and again, it’s quite delicate and one that’s hard to express correctly, when we’re looking at who should be a professor or not we have a committee that’s very balanced. We try to have other disadvantaged groups represented as well. But no one on that committee wants us to have two sets of standards for male and female. We can’t have a separate set of standards because no one would want that. We want everyone to have the same benchmark that’s true of professors around the world.

I’ve raised this with our Māori, Pasifika, and female staff, and there’s an argument about achievement and opportunity. So, do you feel comfortable with the idea that if you go off and raise a family you’ve got less opportunity, therefore we hold you to a lesser standard. If you’ve spent half the time raising a family you only need half the credentials of a ‘real’ professor, but they all say no of course not. It would undermine us as a population. We have to have the same standards.

So then you’re in a tricky situation where you might accept a trajectory difference—something we definitely accept—some universities are quite hard on trajectory. It you’re 55 or 60 they won’t let you get there. We say no, you can take as long as you’d like. What that does mean

Grant Guilford. If you haven’t heard the name before, he’s the Vice Chancellor, aka, the guy who gets shit done.

After seeing Grant tweeting about International Women’s Day and the He For She campaign, it seemed a better time than any to track him down for a chat. With the disparities between male and female academics coming into the spotlight, we wanted to learn more about what Victoria is doing to achieve gender equality on campus.

And so there we were, on an overcast Thursday morning, walking into the grandiose Hunter Building to meet the man himself. Neither of us had met Grant, but with his popularity around campus being of urban legend status, combined with a strong Twitter presence, expectations were high.

Sure enough, we were greeted with a warm smile and a handshake, before being ushered into a conference room where Guildford told us he “sometimes does TV interviews.” It’s at this point that it’s worth noting said conference room featured a huge-gigantic-enormous Colin McCahon painting. Just chilling on the wall like it was no big deal.

Grant, when asked, said that he doesn’t identify as a feminist (no subtle opening questions here guys).

Eschewing the label, he preferred to state that he was “someone who cares very deeply about equal opportunity.” It is at this point that we should all ask ourselves, WWGSS (What Would Gloria Steinam Say?— the rubber wrist bands are already in the works).

Gender equality is something he sees as a duty, and an issue which he needs to take an active role in. He is closely following the He For She campaign, fronted by Emma Watson. “The aim of the He For She campaign is to ensure that males step up and take an active role in the issue. It can’t just be left for women to deal with.”

He spoke extensively on the importance of having women in senior leadership roles, an area Victoria is actually doing well in. He said the university works hard to ensure the opportunities are there for women. With that being said, he stressed the importance of men and women alike not being judgemental of a woman’s decision [e.g. to have babies].

Being careful to speak “delicately” when broaching the subject of women in academia, he told us, “if the opportunities are there and a woman chooses to go all the way to be a professor, that’s great, but if a woman chooses not to do that, taking a part time role and raising a family, and that’s her decision, then there shouldn’t be

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21.03.16

female leadership at the top. They’re all appointed of honourability. They’re all talented people.

This idea of a bulge of talented women coming through is now starting to show up.

If we step outside male/female diversity the Māori and Pasifika and Asian populations have not been represented on our council so we’ve finally managed to get at least one appointment to bring the Māori worldview around the table—we were aiming for two, but we’ll get there eventually. We’ve got an Asian voice around the table as well. It’s really important because your governance decisions need different perspectives, they can’t all be white male.

Aside from gender and diversity, what are you big goals for the university this year?

It’s implementation of our strategic plan. We’re moving on well in most of the areas. We’ve got a settled team.

If you run through them, one of the areas is academic influence. In the world now, universities have to have a few things they’re really really good at. We’ve chosen those to sit around the Capital city idea. We want to be good at public policy, public law, international relations, issues around trade. Capital city things. Also the creative and liberal arts. Capital cities are rich in culture. We’re also taking a real leadership role in sustainability issues.

We’re also focusing more not just on research quality, but research impact. How do we have an impact not only on our disciplines, but our communities. Linking what we do to changes in policy or better quality of life for New Zealanders.

We also want to offer a student experience second to none. We’ve got really strong support from the city on how to make more jobs available that are useful in the sense of internships, summer scholarships, work experience. We’ve got some issues, what worries me mainly with the alcohol thing is it zaps the rest of the city’s desire to get behind the rest of the student body, but you have to be pragmatic and understand that these things will continue to happen. We just want them to be as lower level as we can possibly get them. The city feels really positive about having students here, it’s prepared to put rates dollars into things that benefit students.

The university’s going well, more people want to come!

Which caused a few growth pains. We’ll get more accommodation in. I’ve got a few things bubbling with the City Council around accommodation post-halls.

Fun facts about Grant He works a lot He doesn’t sleep much (probably like Francis Underwood from House of Cards) He and his wife own bush up north and in the Nelson Lakes region He is a “closet greenie.”

He doesn’t dream when he sleeps He likes Salient

Kate Robertson and Jayne Mulligan

is all our efforts to reduce that gap may not get it to zero, we may not ever get there, but we’re making progress. We might get there if society reaches a point where raising children have to be shared equally, but again I don’t want to be judgemental about that, that’s an individual woman thing. What is it that I want from my life? Who is making these decisions for me? Am I a failure because I’m not a full professor, or am I a success because I’ve gone through and been a successful academic, I’ve done my research, I’ve done my teaching AND I’ve raised a family or done something else outside of work that’s fulfilling. If that is a full life then who is to say that’s a problem? Unless of course that individual thinks otherwise, in which case it comes back to my role. Spot, surveil, find those obstacles and remove the ones I can.

That includes sexual harassment as well. That’s a terrible thing that undermines the success of women in big organisations and small organisations. It has a huge impact on professional confidence.

Does the university have anything in place to help prevent such things?

We’ve got a lot of procedures in place for our staff.

In our strategic plan what I was really pleased with was that the values became the big talking point. In there are simple things like respect, responsibility, and integrity.

They flow through into the way we manage our human resources issues when they crop up. We take very serious action for people who misbehave in these ways so there’s evidence that we’re not just all talk, but we still have a long way to go.

In our staff engagement survey it was generally really positive. 97% said they thought teaching was critically important to the place. There was evidence in patchy parts that some people were still feeling a little bit of ‘does the university have in place effective processes to manage bullying/discrimination?’ And we got quite low results there, about 50-60%. We were way higher than the benchmarks, but I’m still not happy with it. I want everyone to know, if you come across a circumstance, there is a process to deal with it. Always a work in progress.

The stats are great. You start at the council, we’re the only university now at 50% women. The Chancellor and I actively went out to achieve that by the way we set up this new council under the new legislation. Through our nominations panel we can let them know what we want.

It’s the first time in New Zealand I think we have a 50/50 Council. It took us what, 120 years, but we made it.

Then in the Senior Leadership team my aim is the same. We’re still 40%, but the critical thing is I’ve got a way we’re going to get there by next year which I can’t disclose cause it’s verging on top secret. The key thing there is the the Provost Wendy Larner is second in charge of the university and oversees everything academic. She’s a Chief Academic Officer. Vice Provost Research and Vice Provost Academic are both women. We have lots of strong

Maori Matters Jamie Yeates Inā te huhua o te kai rangatira e horahia nei ki tēnei tēpu kōrero e ngā ringa whero o te maheni nei, tēnā rā koutou.

Heoi, mōhio ana tātou ko te tino kai kāre e puta mai i tō waha, ka whakaurua kētia! Ruarua noa iho ngā takatao i roto i te reo Māori kua tāngia ā-pepa, ā-Ipurangi rānei.

Anei tāku maramara hei whakawaiwai i te waha o Pīkoko.

One Ocean Salote Cama

Tiamu Aniana: Tērā pea, koinei tāku tino kai e tunua ana e au. Māmā te whakarite, māmā te tunu, māmā te kai! Ina pīrangi koe kia taka te tātua, tirohia ki wāhi kē. He kai takurua tēnei. He pai rawa te pani pāraoa ki tēnei, he pai rawa atu anō tēnei hei kīnaki mō te mīti.

On the Friday, March 11, the Fiji Students Association—KaiFiji—held a fundraiser to help out with tropical cyclone Winston relief. In typical island fashion the night included food. Curry to be exact. You see, when the British brought indentured labourers from India to work on sugar plantations in Fiji, the demographics and the palette changed forever. Dhania (coriander) is now liberally sprinkled through Kokoda (Fijian ceviche), banana chillies take pride of place at any respectable Fijian function, there’s Fijian roti (a lot more butter added), all thanks to the folks that came over onboard the Leonidas.

If you’ve ever walked through a Fijian village you’ll hear cries of “mai kana”—come eat. Sharing and food go hand in hand. Food is the focal point, the gatherer of people. I have found at uni communal eating is often restricted to awkward pizza lunches organised by overzealous class reps, or at the end of an event whose flier tantalisingly exclaimed FREE FOOD. A soqo, as I knew it, it is not.

Over two hundred people spilled into the Student Union building that Friday night. They were all there to do their bit for the victims of Winston and experience a little bit of Fijian hospitality (albeit flustered and overwhelmed hospitality, but hospitality nonetheless).

It felt a lot more like an Island function, people were sprawled on the floor eating, Pasifika languages were being spoken, everyone seemed to know each other, it was running late.

You’ll be hard pressed to find a Samoan event without sapa sui, a Fijian event without curry, a Cook Island event without their (in)famous potato salad.

These dishes were all initially introduced by foreigners and then re-packaged by each country, adding their own flavour to it. Uni is sometimes like that. We all get introduced into it, feeling foreign and out of place, but by the time we leave, we feel like Victoria has added their flavour to us.

Vinaka,

Kīnaki: Aniana, e rua ngā kirokaramu Huka paraone, he hāwhe-kapu Tote, he pune nui Pata, e 250 ngā karamu Whīnika itariana, he kapu hauwhā Takatao: 1. Tapahia ngā aniana (kei a koe te tikanga o te āhua).

I tētehi ipu, meatia ngā aniana kua tapahia, te huka paraone me te tote. Wehe atu ki te kaipaipa, takiuru atu ki Pukamata, te mea, te mea. Hoki mai anō ki te ipu i muri i ngā miniti e 25. Tātaritia te wai engari me mātua rāhui.

2. Whakarewaina te pata i tētehi kōhua, ā tata parauri noa te tae. Whakaurua ngā aniana.

3. Āta kauroritia ngā aniana kia kore ai e wera.

Whakamahia tō pīnati – mōhio kē koe me pēhea te ahua o te aniana karamea (he paraone uriuri te tae). I ētehi wā, riringi mai te wai kua rāhuitia ki ngā aniana hei whakarewa i te tino rekanga i te takere o te kōhua. Ki te whakaaro koe he tangata whai rawa, pai anō te riringa mai o te waina (engari ki au nei, pai ake te inumanga).

4. Kia parauri uriuri ngā aniana, he kakara rerehua e paoa ana mai i te kōhua, kua mutu. Meatia te whīnika itariana. Ka pai. Kua mahi koe i te tiamu aniana.

Maumaharatia tēnei whānau: ko koe te rangatira ake o te kīhini. Mehemea he pai ki a koe te konakona, he pai tonu ki a au.

Kupu hou: takatao – recipe kīnaki – ingredient; sauce whīnika itariana – Balsamic vinegar karamea – caramel; caramelised konakona – flavour; taste

Salote Cama Vice President KaiFiji 2016 12

Gee-mail

VUWSA Exec

Jonathan Gee VUWSA President

Annaliese Wilson Education Officer

Last week I caught up with Byron Oosthuizen, the student behind the change.org petition for tertiary discounts on buses in Wellington. At the time of writing, the petition is at a staggering 3000+ signatures, three times more than Byron expected. I think it’s awesome to see so much support for tertiary bus fares. I also think it’s really frustrating that discounted tertiary bus fares haven’t happened already.

From reading your comments on the petition, there was a growing sense of desperation for tertiary bus fares.

Some of you told the story of barely being able to afford rent and food each week, let alone the $25.00+ to get to university which you already pay so much for.

At VUWSA, we’ve been campaigning for tertiary bus fares since the last local body elections in 2013. There’s been some headway. In 2014 the Greater Wellington Regional Council voted for a 25% tertiary discount, provided that the City Council and tertiary institutions helped to fund it. There have been some roadblocks along the way, which is pretty disappointing. If we were truly valued as residents in Wellington, then tertiary bus fares would be a priority. From what it looks like, we’re not.

At the Newtown Festival and Out in the Park over the last two weekends, we passed around a blackboard and asked you to write what a student-friendly city means to you. An overwhelming majority of you (unprompted!) wrote down student bus fares as your definition of a student-friendly city. I think that really shows that if Wellington actually valued students, they would make this a reality.

The key question is what’s the next step in making tertiary bus fares a reality? My view is that it’s about telling more and more people the story of student hardship. This year alone, issues have been raised around the cost and quality of student flats, as well as the size of student loan debt ($15 billion, no joke). The lack of tertiary bus fares is yet another aspect of ongoing student hardship. Over the next few months VUWSA will be ramping up its campaign for student-friendly policies in the local body elections. I hope you stand with us and tell your stories. Let’s make this year about a Wellington that values students.

When I was given the subject of food to write about, a lot came to mind. Food. Is. Life. As students with limited budgets we can easily neglect food, but we happen to be in a city that has more cafes than New York, so let’s get amongst team.

In first year, food shapes yo’ lyf. Living in a hall it can become a struggle always having to eat at specific times and consuming meals with massive carb intakes. However, every Wednesday from 10.00am–6.00pm, VUWSA runs a fruit and vegetable market in the Tim Beaglehole Courtyard (outside the Hub), on the Kelburn campus. Just make sure you bring your own reusable bags because being good to the environment is important.

Although our life can seem to revolve around university, Wellington has a lot to offer. Midnight Espresso is a personal favourite and has been popular with students for years. This one-stop-shop can keep you going for those all-nighter essays with a closing time of 3.00am. BYOs are also essential to the student experience. Oriental Kingdom (cheap and cheerful) has a handy location on the lower end of Cuba, therefore, a quick exit to Boogie Wonderland is possible. But, for all you Aretha Franklins out there, Red Hill combines food and karaoke. What more could you want from life?

However, VUWSA has got your back covered when life is a tad stressful and those finances are non-existent.

Good Bitches Baking supplies some delicious cakes for all those sweet tooths on a Monday morning. We also have free bread every Friday morning to make sure that carb intake is still strong. And, if you are struggling to fill your bellies, VUWSA and Victoria have partnered together to create the Community Pantry. This is a free food parcel service. Come to the either the Kelburn or Pipitea offices and fill out a form and you will get a food parcel on the spot. Sorted.

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Letters It’s our pleasure Salient you make mine 4 years of pottering about (achieving nigh on intangible anything) so much more worthwhile. You are my one constant- my steadfast bastion of bolshy youth entitlement, political clarification and general enlightenment on ‘issues’. The overarching outrage/bafflement at the preposterousness of life and furthermore life at university is delightfully compiled into manageable sections/tidbits and in addition to the aforementioned you also cause me to roflcopter- so chur.

BIG FAN

Notices Victoria Abroad – Attend an Exchange Information Session!

Why not study overseas as part of your degree?!

Study in English, Earn Vic credit, Get Studylink & grants, explore the world!

Information Sessions: Every Wednesday at 12:50pm, Level 2, Easterfield Building.

Drop-in hours: Mon-Wed 1-3pm, Thurs & Fri 10:30-12pm Website: http://victoria.ac.nz/exchange

VUW Science Society IGM Dear Salient u r so bomb RN lots of lah BIG FAN AGAIN

Monday 21st March, Memorial Theatre, SUB. 6.30pm onwards.

Followed by food & drinks at the Hunter Lounge.

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Emma Hurley & Jayne Mulligan

A Candyland University Kelburn, it’s more difficult due to the campus being up a big ass hill. During the day there’s various food outlets and vendings machines; you can find most items from coke and chocolate, pies and donuts, to salads, sushi, and curry. On Wednesdays there’s even a fruit and vegetable market. After hours though, it becomes a struggle for hungry students to find food. Food outlets close about 5.00pm, and Mena’s dairy closes not long after. So students are left with few options if they didn’t manage to pack their

Your vision is blurred from the computer-screen and pages of text, that light-headed-when-did-I-last-eat feeling slowly descends, and you realise you still have thousands of words to write. There’s no point going home to eat because: a) you won’t do any more work if you go home, b) time will be lost in transit, and, c) let’s be real: it’s not like there is food there anyway. So how do you eat?

For those at at Pipitea, there are cafés scattered around the area. And those at Te Aro, you’re at the heart of Cuba Street. But for those stuck up at

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“We’re one of the world leaders in obesity, obviously people might say that comes down to personal responsibility, but health promotion says we can do a whole lot more as a community to influence people’s choices.”

Though they are well aware that “people can walk off campus and buy as make sugary drinks as they like, just as they can walk across the road and smoke, though you need to be careful about making comparisons between those issues,” there is still something to be said for creating a healthy environment. “We’re one of the world leaders in obesity, obviously people might say that comes down to personal responsibility, but health promotion says we can do a whole lot more as a community to influence people’s choices.”

The problem, therefore, is a matter of responsibility, and where responsibility lies. Is it a consumer’s issue?

Perhaps it is up to the individual to know and ask and find out about the sugar and fat content of each item they purchase and eat. Does this only happen through education? Are these inherently privileged choices?

(Consider the Instagram famous folk who buy green juices and have ‘smoothie bowls’—a meal that is a contradiction in terms). Therefore, if these educated choices are seemingly privileged, the community needs to ensure that those who don’t have access to further information, or those who have learnt poor habits in their youth, are able to have space away from these choices. The community needs to ensure they are not enabling them.

But on the other hand, it’s important to note that sometimes it isn’t as easy as proclaiming superlatives like “stronger willpower” and “better choices.” Obesity and being overweight are stigmatising labels to carry, and will often become the subject of ‘anti-obesity’ proposals and projects, which only serves to enhance the shame and low self-esteem that comes with an already eroded body image. If the onus is on, not the individual, but society, those suffering from weight gain and obesity, should be allowed a respite from negativity. The responsibility needs to be fairly spread.

On a walking tour of the vending machines in the Cotton building one afternoon (the universities mecca of vending machines), we saw that those with healthy options had no one hovering in front, meanwhile, the vending machines full of candy and those full of soft drinks had several students waiting in line, trying to choose between the indistinguishable sweetness. The handy eftpos slot has only made things easier for us blessed, spoilt millennials.

own dinner (who really is organised enough to do that?).

Previous VUWSA Presidents have promised to sort out a food outlet to serve dinners, but as yet the promise has never been fulfilled. So barring a lot of forward planning, a trip down to town, or up to Kelburn, vending machines offer the only real option of sustaining oneself through a long, dreary night at the library.

Mauri Ora, the health and wellbeing service, has been working closely with Campus Services to increase the amount of healthy food in vending machines, the baby phase of a move to ensure the availability of accessible healthy food across campus. Salient spoke to Gerard Hoffman, the manager of Student Counselling at Mauri Ora, who told us a little more about their efforts. It’s a delicate balance for the university, between “running a nanny state” and taking the responsibility to actively encourage a healthy environment for students. There has been a gradual shift, as the vending machine companies have willingly adjusted their facilities in response to requests from the university. Students will have noticed the increased addition of muesli bars, nuts, tuna and crackers, protein balls, and sugar free or sugar-reduced drinks, amongst the abundance of confectionary.

Not only are the contents being negotiated, but the locations are too. There used to be four vending machines in the Student Union building, near the Bubble, and Mauri Ora made efforts to reduce this down to one. They thought it counterintuitive to have so much unhealthy food in the immediate vicinity of the health and wellbeing facilities.

The measure to make vending machines healthier, and their locations more thought out, Hoffman says, is encompassed within a wider move towards a healthier environment on campus: “including sexual assault as a health issue, mental health and wellbeing, and the provision of education around health and wellbeing.” It is not just based around the vending machines, but part of a comprehensive plan, one that begs the question, “what does the university stand for when it comes to health and wellbeing for students?”

Hoffman expands on the moral crux of the matter, “it’s a fine line, arguably you might say, whatever you put in your body is generally only harming you, but we can make some moves around what we stand for as an institution.”

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Finnius Teppett

It was very salty and the sauce was gross.

Screenshot from Salient TV, filmed by Jen Smith

In an effort to stay relevant and interesting, Salient asked Finn to put his body on the aluminium line, and spend one weekend only eating food that could be found in a can. The experience was hard for Finn, the editors received messages of anguish as he faced the meals and endeavoured to keep them down. The whole experience; the harrowing sludge, the slimy salty shapes, the textures and forms, are documented in video format as well. So not only can you read about this experience, but you can watch it. Go to salient.org.nz/ salient_tv/ and let it unfold infront of your eyeballs.

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According to the EQC, there are about 150 feelable earthquakes in New Zealand every year. Most of them are too deep and far away to give a shit about, but there’s no telling which one of them will be destructive enough to own that capitalised definite article, and become The Earthquake. There’s no good reason it can’t be tomorrow.

Or on your birthday, or Christmas. So Civil Defence recommends always having three days’ worth of water and non-perishable food on hand to keep you going after the city is flattened, while you wait for the army to arrive. Civil Defence’s (possibly Nesian Mystik-inspired?) campaign Get Ready Get Thru (ft. Peter Elliott) is comprehensive in its various guides to pre-quake preparedness, and postquake survival. They cover almost every contingency, from making sure people with disabilities are looked after, to the heartbreaking revelation that your local evacuation centre probably won’t let your dog come in with you.

What Civil Defence is eerily silent on though is any information on the psychological effects of a big earthquake. Because not only might your house have crumbled and burned, with everything you’ve ever treasured smouldering deep inside, but you might’ve died, or your friends and family might’ve got munted. You’re standing outside the crowded evacuation centre in the pouring rain, with little Spot whimpering in your arms, and a Civil Defence official is screaming into your face “throw the fucking dog away or we’ll put it down!” On top of all that, piling indignity on brutality, you’ve got nothing to eat but canned food. You might survive the earthquake, but will you survive the roving gangs of murderers who’ve turned to cannibalism after one too many tins of baked beans?

Putting my body and mind on the line, I decided to pick up Civil Defence’s slack. If they weren’t prepared to investigate the important questions, then they were abandoning their duty to inform, and the pre-quake public they are paid to serve were going to be left wondering—what’s it like to only eat from cans? After an uncomfortable weekend, I found out.

and available to borrow only in exchange for sex or drugs.

I noticed, from the corner of my eye, condescending looks from fellow shoppers with more wholesome baskets, but they were easy to ignore. They won’t be so smug when the earthquake lays waste to their precious truss tomatoes.

At the checkout I explained myself. I told the operator, “I’m preparing for the earthquake.” She stopped her scanning and looked up, covering her mouth, in shock.

“When is the earthquake?” she asked, worried (as she should be).

“Soon.” I said. She got back to scanning again.

“There’ll be none of this after the earthquake,” I tell her.

“Checkouts. Supermarkets. Commerce.”

She gives me the total, around thirty dollars.

“There’ll be no money, either,” I say. “The only currency will be can-openers. The new élite will be those with the can-openers. You should buy some rip-tops while you still can.”

She asks if I have FlyBuys. I tell her I don’t. I don’t think I do enough shopping for it to be worth it.

On the way home I pass a Greek food festival at the bottom of my street. It is swarming with desperate people. It is like a post-quake evacuation centre. There is a line for calamari that is as long as a line for post-quake drinking water. Everybody there is restless, anxious. There is a seven-piece Greek folk band, playing what I imagine to be Greek folk music. Two of the band members play bouzoukis. An old man sings. After fifteen minutes I find myself at the front of the line for calamari. A Greek woman takes my order.

“There’ll be none of this after the earthquake,” I tell her. “The calamari will all be gone. So will the bouzoukis.

The powerful people will be the ones with can-openers.”

She says, “calamari is seven dollars.”

“I don’t want any calamari.”

I leave, worried for the state of the city. After the earthquake, it’ll be people like those festival-goers who clog up the disaster-relief infrastructure, dependent on the teat of the state for food after finding that all of their beloved calamari has gone off. I’m determined not to be part of the swarm. Heading home I look down at my shopping bag of supplies, and I smile.

­— One Saturday morning I went to New World in search of canned supplies for an earthquake simulation diet.

I picked up a basket and walked straight past the fruit and vegetable aisles. They held nothing for me, only food for ghosts. In the hardened extremes of post-quake Wellington, Civil Defence says only the cans will remain.

Where is the apple when you really need it? It is gone, melted into the air, unpreserved. I picked out a range of cans from the survival aisles. Some meat (Spam, corned beef), vegetables (asparagus, creamed corn), fruit (peaches, pears), etc. I gave special priority to cans with rip-top lids, imagining a dusty post-quake future where the last can-openers are in the hands of the privileged few,

­— Meal #1: creamed corn Breakfast. Not a rip-top. Luckily for me I had access to a can-opener. Unluckily for me, creamed corn hasn’t changed since I last ate it as a nine-year-old. “Uh oh,” I thought, face-to-face with the open can of grainy, offyellow sludge. A bad tone was set for the weekend. I eat straight from the can, with a spoon. My mental state takes an early blow. But I am hungry, and I only have so many cans. So it will be after the earthquake, so it is for me.

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Meal #3: satay corned beef

Cold creamed corn is as bad as you think it is. The kernels explode grossly between your teeth, and the gluey shit that the corn is suspended in is the kind of stuff you can only eat if you close your eyes and imagine someone holding a gun to your head going “eat it or I’ll blow your bloody head off you bastard!!!” But we won’t have the luxury of picking and choosing after the earthquake, so why should I now? I eat the stuff. It’s energy, I keep telling myself. Energy to run when a ute full of cannibals is bearing down on you intent on munching on your sweet brains.

I wash the can out when I’m done, and put it in the recycling. I know there won’t be recycling after the earthquake, but it just feels pointless not to recycle it now. I drink a big glass of water to try and get rid of the cornskins in my teeth. (Note: what does the ‘creamed’ bit mean anyway?)

Dinner has always been my most anticipated meal of the day. I like it fresh out of the oven or off the stove, and I like to keep eating it until it hurts. Sometimes I spend the whole night just eating dinner, nibbling at passing dishes like a Roman orgy. I knew this night would be different though. I wasn’t looking forward to it. I was dreading what I’d see when I opened that can of corned beef.

It was as bad as I’d feared. Chunks of purple meat and chunks of fat and sinew, caked together with solidified gelatine. Jelly meat. When I stuck a fork into it to lever some out, it made a sound I think I heard somewhere in The Silence of the Lambs. I quickly realised I wasn’t going to be able to eat it cold. Not if I wanted to actually keep it down. So I dug the meat out and mixed it in a frypan with half a can of Watties Creamy Satay sauce. (I figured there’ll still be heat after the earthquake, with the exploding gas pipes and overstretched fire service, etc. etc.)

The satay beef went onto a plate with some more of the refried beans. It was very salty and the sauce was gross. I ate the hot mess until I felt like throwing up, then I’d rescue myself with a spoon of refried beans. I ended up finishing it all, but it sat in my belly for a long time, refusing to digest. I moved as little as possible, to avoid upsetting the fragile treaty that was keeping the lumpy salt slop from climbing up and back out of my body. I took deep, slow breaths. I watched television, Masterchef was on. All the amateur cooks seemed so proud of their meals, but they have no awareness of the folly of their struggles. What does it matter if you can cook with the luxury of a fully stocked pantry and an endless supply of fresh ingredients? That’s not going to help you when you really need to survive. There won’t be any squid tagliatelle after the earthquake, that’s for sure. (Seriously, they need to stop making squid tagliatelle. Someone does it every week.)

Dessert was a can of peaches. Canned peaches will be the salvation of mankind. I sleep happily.

Meal #2: refried beans & asparagus Lunch. A few hours later. Interestingly the refried beans manufacturer chose to print the PC name on the label, rather than the name most of us know it as, which is “Mexican mashed potatoes.” The can is a rip-top though, which already bumps it up the ranking above creamed corn. Also, on opening it up, it doesn’t look like old sick, so it jumps even further up the ranking. Again, a spoon and a strong will is all I need to tuck in. Once I start though, it’s hard to stop. It turns out refried beans are delicious. I’m overcome with jealousy for Mexico after an earthquake. Here’s a tip: when the quake hits, hit up your local Mexican joint as soon as you can. They’ve got the good stuff.

In the interests of staving off scurvy, I put down the MMP and crack into the can of asparagus. This can is smaller than usual, thinner. Probably because asparagus is expensive, and disgusting, and no one wants to eat that much of it in one go. Also, it turns out that asparagus is canned in super salty water. If it wasn’t gross enough that the little green stalks are soaked to a greenish-grey stalkshaped mush, they also taste like lumpy seawater.

A picture on the label suggests rolling the asparagi in white bread for a tasty, nutritious snack. I suspect some photoshopped sneakery on the part of the photographer though, because the image of the asparagus roll they’ve printed on the can has a noticeable lack of anyone in the background vomiting or pouring bleach down their throat, or immolating themselves in an attempt to forget the experience of being near that fucking thing.

I eat another spoonful of refried beans. I throw out the asparagus into the rubbish, can and all. Some things aren’t good enough for the recycling. No one deserves to eat canned asparagus. I’d rather fast that day. Supposedly fasting is good for meditation anyway.

Meal #4: Watties Big Eat All Day Breakfast (BEADB) Breakfast. Day two. Wary of the task ahead, I’m grateful for the plan I sussed out earlier—to get the grossest cans out of the way on day one, while I still had some naive enthusiasm for the project. I could even go so far as to say that I was looking forward to the can of Watties BEADB (also known as, “baked beans with everything”) that I had pegged for this morning. Eating out of the can, I felt at home among the sweet tomatoey beans, among the sausages with the DNA of probably twenty different kinds of animal. There was even bacon, mushrooms, bits of potato. (To be honest, I’m going off the photo on the

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Screenshots from Finnius Teppett’s vlogs.

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When you turn the can upside down, the stuff plops out as a perfect sculpture of the mould it was in. It lends itself to being chopped in slices, like a little pink loaf. A closer look reveals discrete grains of different colours, variations on pink. Who knows what part of the animal they’ve come from—is that bone marrow? A bit of brain?

A bumhole?

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factory. A thick pink paste is poured off into rectangular cans on a conveyor belt, the occasional whole eyeball passing through unnoticed under the watch of the bored quality control inspector as he smokes a lazy afternoon cigarette. When you turn the can upside down, the stuff plops out as a perfect sculpture of the mould it was in. It lends itself to being chopped in slices, like a little pink loaf.

A closer look reveals discrete grains of different colours, variations on pink. Who knows what part of the animal they’ve come from—is that bone marrow? A bit of brain?

A bumhole?

I cut it up and mix in the leftover satay sauce. I definitely need refried beans too. It all goes on a plate and I take it to the lounge, where I can eat in shame and alone.

I eat it hot. My gag reflex is on a hair trigger. The Spam melts in your mouth, which in this case is not in a “meltin-your-mouth goodness” kind of way, more in a “thisshould-never-have-existed-in-the-first-place-and-now-it’sreturning-to-the-oblivion-whence-it-sprung” kind of way.

It hits me what the one thing tying together all these cans is: they all exist on a scale of mush. Some are more mushy, some are less mushy, but they’re all just different kinds of mush. Salt mush. Sugar mush. Meat, vegetable, grain, united at last in a holy trinity of mush.

When I finish the Spam, I actually get an endorphin rush. Like my brain is rewarding me for pushing my body to new, bizarre tolerances. Or it’s relief, maybe, for the end of a 48-hour trauma. Whatever it was, I got the message.

When that earthquake finally comes, my brain tells me, we’ll be all right. But don’t let anyone tell you any different: the earthquake is definitely going to suck.

label more than taste. If they primed you to expect duck à l’orange in the mix you’d probably taste it somewhere.)

But beneath the warm familiarity of the BEADB, the reality of the can-only diet was starting to sink in. There was something about the certainty of my meals. Physically I felt all right, but psychologically I felt increasingly trapped. Like a prisoner maybe, or someone on a longhaul interstellar space cargo flight. The day is measured in cans as I plan ahead. This one for lunch, these for dinner.

I start to miss those wistful moments in front of the open fridge, scanning the shelves, open to inspiration. Instead my meals stare out at me unblinking, like little metal panopticons. “What choice do you have?” They say. “We are the alpha and the omega.” I can live my life around them, but never independent of them. I’m a slave.

Meal #5: Stagg’s Classic Chili (with Beef) Lunch. I realise how much I love snacks. I really want a cracker. I’m not hungry, I just want to crunch into something, but there won’t be any crackers after the earthquake. What there will be though is cans of Stagg’s beef chili, which touts “a taste of the Old West.” This is probably the most meal-like can of the lot. It looks like chili. It’s got chili beans and onions and mince and tomato sauce. I try not to think about how long ago it was made and canned. For some reason I feel weird about the idea of mince sitting around in a can for a year (that’s how long ago this can was made). Supposedly things in cans never actually go off, they just slowly turn to paste as the food molecules dissociate.

I eat cowboy style (out of the can). I say “howdy partner,” and they say “you’re handy with a gun.” Postquake Wellington will be like the Old West in a lot of ways.

Dusty, quiet. Lawless. The occasional gun fight breaking out over the right to use the town’s only can-opener. The chili is pretty darned good though. I feel OK for a moment.

But to be honest, my mind isn’t really in it. It’s hard to get really excited about anything. Even though I’ve nearly made it through the weekend, there’s still one squishy pink obstacle that stands between me and crackery freedom.

Dinner. The final boss. I finish my chili slowly, not wanting to think about what’s next. Jesus Christ.

­— Civil Defence has good reason, I think, not to talk about this on their website. Going into any detail about the horrors of eating out of cans would amount to fearmongering. They’d spark mass panic. Mobs would gather to loot supermarkets for canned meals that don’t make you want to throw up, and screaming crowds would kill each other to snatch at can-openers, wherever it is that you buy can-openers. Wellington would plunge into lawlessness as an artificial shortage encouraged a whole city of people to forget their normal lives and just look out for themselves.

In trying to protect the country from disaster, Civil Defence would be creating one themselves.

But as a society, we’re kidding ourselves if we think that not being at least a little worried about this imminent future is anything other than denial. The information has to be out there somewhere. And now you have the information. Just, please, be careful what you do with it.

Meal #6: Spam I didn’t want for this to happen. That’s probably obvious.

Spam is the kind of thing nobody wants to eat. Probably a big chunk of Spam Ltd.’s revenue comes from idiots writing articles for student magazines about eating Spam.

The first thing you notice about a can of Spam is that the can is oblong, like a little metal brick. I can’t think why.

The next thing you notice about Spam, once you rip off the lid, is that at one point in its journey from hog farm to supermarket, it was liquid. I picture scenes from the Spam

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Laura Bernard www.laurabernard.com www.behance.net/laurabernard

Brodie Fraser

Gutted.

about it, because who the fuck wants to hear about the details of someone else’s large intestine? Well, tough shit, I’ve had enough of pretending it doesn’t exist. IBS is a functional gastrointestinal disorder with no known cure.

It is identified by chronic abdominal pain, discomfort, bloating, and altered bowel habits. The cherry on top of an already bleak outlook is that there are no current tests that allow doctors to identify the syndrome; it’s more of a case-by-case kind of thing.

According to my doctor, IBS has baffled medical professionals for years as it has been really difficult to find a cause for it. That was, until the University of Monash came along and got everyone really excited about FODMAPs; a collection of short chain carbohydrates and sugar alcohol. FODMAP is an acronym that stands for some crazy unpronounceable words: Fermentable, Oligo-Saccharides, Disaccharides, Mono-saccharide & Polyols. What are they and how do they relate to IBS, you ask? What the Monash researchers found, essentially, was that people with IBS seem to have trouble digesting foods with high FODMAP content. Being an arts student, I’m not great at explaining the science behind it. FODMAPs are, in my understanding, different types of sugars in foods that people with some stomach problems have issues digesting.

The researchers tested various foods for their FODMAP content, and created the low-FODMAP diet.

They have a comprehensive list of foods that people with IBS should avoid, and suggest that for a month or so, patients strictly follow the diet to see if it makes a difference. The idea is that after a few weeks, you’ll start

Most of us like food, yeah? We need it to survive, and sometimes it’s just too hard to not Instagram a meal out. It’s easy to spend a lot of time talking about nice restaurants and cafés, that great new recipe we just tried, or how damn expensive food can be. But what about what happens once we’ve eaten? We don’t spend much time thinking about the inner workings of our intestines, and poo jokes are for 12 year-old boys, right? Approximately 25% of people suffer from some kind of diagnosed chronic stomach illness, which is a lot of us! So let’s stop pretending that nothing happens after we’ve eaten. Bodies do a lot for us, and can also cause us a lot of trouble. In particular, stomachs can be a right nuisance. They’re big, confusing, and do a lot of work. This means that when they stop working properly, shit goes down. It can be really hard to identify a stomach illness, let alone address it. One of the more medically confusing chronic stomach illnesses is Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). Most of us have heard about it at some point or another, but still it tends to be a mystery for the most part.

Late last year I was woken up at 4am with an excruciating pain in my stomach, I thought that I had a ruptured appendix. The next day I got on a bus and shipped myself off to the emergency department. I was discharged with the all-clear on my appendix, a script for tramadol, and no diagnosis. I spent the next month or so traipsing down to Student Health at least once a week. Eventually my doctor gave me an IBS diagnosis, adding me to the 10-20% of people in New Zealand who suffer from IBS—according to the Health Navigator NZ website—which is pretty high! No-one likes to talk

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IBS is an illness that tends to flare up during periods of high stress, anxiety, and/or depression. I think this is due to the fact that it is a disorder of the gut-brain axis. What this means is that IBS is intrinsically linked to your mental health, and that your puku and brain are having secret conversations about what’s going on—just to make you miserable.

A low-FODMAP diet can be absolute misery, but if it helps your pain and digestion then it is worth it. It takes a while to adjust, but if you stick with it it gets easier. The University of Monash website is a trove of free and useful resources. I find that blogs have too many contradictory lists of things you can and can’t eat. Most recipe books are full of expensive foods and red meat (which I don’t eat). I’m keeping track of all the cheap meals that I’ve successfully made low-FODMAP friendly, and when I have enough I’m going to make meal plans for two to three weeks so I can rotate between them. Some tips for a fail-proof cooking method: use dried herbs in every meal, hing powder (an Indian spice) can be used as an onion and garlic substitute, and, if all else fails, smother your meal in cheese as it is blessedly low-FODMAP (soft cheeses like ricotta & cream cheese are a no-go, but if it’s hard or ripened you should be okay).

I still struggle with going out to eat. I’ve worked in hospo since I was 15 and I know what a pain in the ass it is when customers are finicky with their order. “Can I have a large, decaf flat white, as weak as you can make it, with ten sugars in it?” No you cannot, leave me alone. So because I don’t want to be a nuisance to underpaid and underappreciated hospo staff, I don’t get too fussy with my meals out. I know that I’ll be miserable that night and the next morning, but most of the time I prefer to just get something that only has one or two foods I can’t eat, and simply enjoy the meal out and the company I’m with.

Chronic illnesses aren’t just about the physical, they also affect you mentally. It can be tough to work through a diagnosis, and to try to accept that your illness is going to hang around for an indefinite amount of time.

There are suggestions that 60% of people with IBS have a psychological illness, usually anxiety or depression.

IBS is an illness that tends to flare up during periods of high stress, anxiety, and/or depression. I think this is due to the fact that it is a disorder of the gut-brain axis.

What this means is that IBS is intrinsically linked to your mental health, and that your puku and brain are having secret conversations about what’s going on—just to make you miserable. I find this a total pain in the ass. When I’m stressed I get ill, which in turn stresses me out, a seemingly never ending cycle. When my anxiety was at

to feel better. When this happens, you can start slowly re-introducing foods back into your diet to see which ones trigger stomach problems. The cool thing about it is that scientists across the globe are still testing new foods and every so often the list of stuff you can eat will be updated.

I definitely appreciate having the chance to shove new foods in my mouth, so I like to periodically check the blog that Monash set up to keep people updated about the diet. They also have an app that helps people adjust to the diet, but it’s like $20.00, and being a broke student I cannot justify that. I’ve heard it’s great though!

While the low-FODMAP diet is a great advance for gastrointestinal science, it’s pretty fucking restrictive. I nearly cried when I looked at the endless list of food it says to avoid. The main things you have to go without are gluten, high-lactose foods, anything from the onion and garlic families, most legumes, and a heap of fruit and veg. That’s going to be difficult for anyone to adjust to, but when you’re a broke student it adds another level of difficulty. Gluten and lactose free food alternatives are so fucking expensive. When I started the low-FODMAP diet, I could barely eat without getting queasy, so I began living off rice, peanut butter, and banana. It was a shit time. I lost well over five kilos in about four weeks. It fucked up my relationship with food for a while. I struggled to eat (who wants to cook when you can’t eat any of the delicious food you love), and whenever I broke the FODMAP diet I felt both physically unwell, but also guilty for knowingly putting myself in pain. It took a while, but I eventually started feeling better.

I’ve gotten a lot better at figuring out how to cook meals I like that still have flavour. I can eat things that have small amounts of onion and garlic in them without getting violently ill. But, it’s a lot of trial and error. I go through periods where I get really bummed out about all the delicious food I’m missing out on. I get sick of trying to make food taste nice, and the bungled attempts at cooking can be deflating. During these periods I live off porridge and/or muesli. I still go through periods where I feel that the IBS diagnosis is a bullshit label they give you when they don’t know what’s going on. Stomachs are both amazing and mysterious, who knows what’s going on in that gurgling mess.

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its peak I suffered IBS too, but the IBS I experience now is worse and triggered by food and stress rather than by adrenaline coursing through my body. It’s also a different form of the illness, and manifests itself in different ways.

No two people suffer IBS in the exact same way. This can be in relation to the foods and events that trigger it, or the ways in which it manifests itself. My doctor likes to remind me every so often that there’s a lot that happens in our stomach region (after all, there’s quite a few organs chilling out in that area), let alone all the different things that can happen to our puku.

The main thing to take away from this is that it’s important to do your best to take care of yourself. The spoon theory is used by a lot of people with chronic illnesses to help describe what it’s like living with them.

Essentially, the spoon theory says ‘spoonies’ (people with chronic illnesses) only have a certain amount of spoons each day, and that everyday tasks require us to use up spoons. Thus we have to prioritise what we do with our energy, or else we will run out of spoons. Some days our illnesses will be bad, meaning we start out with fewer spoons than normal. Other days our illness will treat us

well and give us more spoons than normal. These are great days! The idea of the Spoon Theory is to show non-spoonies that we have to carefully consider all that we do. To deal with this, we find ways to protect our spoons, and cope when we’re running low. This can mean finding ways to de-stress, spending your free time making meals to freeze, and utilising Student Health Services.

Student Health make it easy to see a number of health professionals in one place, and have them all communicate with each other. Managing IBS is much easier when you have a doctor and therapist communicating with each other so that they can tailor your treatment together. Also, it makes you feel like you have a cute team of people cheering you on and making sure that your body runs as smoothly as possible! Chronic illnesses can be difficult to live with, but it’s totally do-able. You learn a lot about yourself, and become a bit of a magician at figuring out why you’re feeling a particular way.

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Single Sad Postgrad Sharon Lam

Single and Married Because I was having a ball. My hair and makeup was attentively done by an expert, my closest friends were doing an excellent job of being fake bridesmaids, and I felt incredibly fancy in the four-figure-price wedding dress.

Leaving the house, every strangers’ eyes were on my bride and I, and we were showered in compliments, congratulations, and photo requests.

I felt like Mulan at Disneyland. Lorde at Auckland Airport. A Flight of the Conchord at Prefab. “Thank you!” I told my fans, waving my bouquet at their adoring faces. It felt amazing that people I did not know believed that I had the capacity to trick another human being into vowing themselves to me for the rest of their lives, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. As it turns out you don’t need a fiancé to feel special—all you need is a wedding dress. I felt invincible. Wedding dresses are the real power suit.

I never wanted to take mine off. The empowerment I felt stemmed directly from society’s obsession and worship of couple-dom, but since I was leeching off couple-privilege while being deadly single, the joke was really on them. I was winning a fight against the Man. The attention was for me and me alone. And that is how on my first wedding day, I learnt that there is nothing more self-indulgent, or more self-satisfying, than getting married alone.

Everyone, no matter how aloof and coolly independent they pretend to be, fantasises about their wedding day. By everyone I mean me, so last week when I found myself in a white lace wedding dress, holding a bouquet in one hand and my wife’s in the other, smiling for the camera in the botanic gardens, I couldn’t believe that my special day was finally here.

The happiest day of my life. I was getting married.

And to my one true love, no less. We had finally found each other and now we were being joined in holy matrimony. Well, not really. Well, not at all.

Now you’re wondering, did I hire out a bridal gown, a photographer, and someone to play my spouse to stage a fake wedding shoot to make an ex jealous? Had I reached peak insanity from a prolonged period of single-dom? Doomed to forever roam the gardens in an increasingly muddy wedding dress, moaning at couples on handheld strolls? Although fully plausible, in reality I was only playing bride to help a friend get more photography practice. But while I was fully aware that everything was pretend, that I had only met my bride that morning, and that in reality I couldn’t be any further from getting married, my special day still felt like my special day. I knew that this was not my beautiful wife, but that did not mean I could not still enjoy the festivities. It made me think, does a wedding really need to be real to be enjoyed?

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Stressed, Depressed and Well-Dressed

Breathing Space Olivia Parkinson

Jess Scott Having spent several of my formative years upon a subtropical tourist mecca, catered to the over-privileged and tasteless (Waiheke Island), I have developed both a disproportionate hatred for sand, sun, and scenic tours, and an alarming enthusiasm for wine tastings.

I forget that it isn’t normal for everyone’s parents to have pools, tennis courts, and private beach access; and that people will think I’m weird for asking if their tap water is drinkable. Alongside these residual social inadequacies, I also developed a tendency toward what is known as the ‘summer fling’. What better way to fritter away one’s idle time than make out with the same guy you’ve made out with the past three Christmas breaks in a row (whom you haven’t spoken to since last summer and won’t speak to until next)?

Living in Wellington, there is very little point cultivating a designated summer wardrobe, due to the fleeting period of sunlight between this winter and the next. However, like a summer fling, it isn’t something generally approached with any sense of permanence.

My summer aesthetic, much like my summer dating situation, was floozy-teenage-trophy-girlfriend.

Countless Bloody Mary liquid lunches, sunny afternoons spent sipping sangria on rooftops, antipasto evenings, vegan muesli brunch-sta-grams, floppy hats, culottes, saucer-sized sunglasses, linen skirts, little lacey things, vintage lingerie, kimonos, pastels, florals, platform sandals, and sparkly socks. I began dressing (perhaps even acting*) like your wealthy uncle’s third wife who spends her days tottering about his yacht with a martini in hand, sunbathing, and sleeping with the pool boy.

Brief, hot, and low commitment (how quickly/ efficiently can this/he be discarded?) are the key desirable traits. Summer clothes are garments not easily integrated into your everyday attire, the same way your summer hook up simply isn’t going to fit your normative lifestyle; both are able to exist in a blissful vacuum for a very finite period of time.

We were locked and loaded, and our van was bursting with anticipation for the long-awaited summer road-trip.

One quick top-up for the tank and we would be on our way. We had places to go, and people to see. But our van would not go. It choked and spluttered and would not move an inch. We had put diesel in our petrol tank! Our vehicle was now just a useless scrap of metal.

It became apparent that every machine needs to be fuelled with the right substance for it to be able to fulfill its purpose. We had decked out our van with a groovy paint job and bumper stickers, but that was redundant now; the journey was over before it even started. There are specific substances for every kind of machine, and species. So what about human beings?

At university, there is no doubt that we need proper fuel to keep us not just chugging along, but, able to accelerate toward our human potential. Our material body is our vehicle, and what goes in affects how we can use it. It is essential that we understand how to properly fuel ourselves, to help us achieve our goals.

Through knowledge we can become more conscious of our well-being, and thus feel more productive, balanced, and happy.

The purpose of food is to increase the duration of life, purify the mind, and aid bodily strength. The fuel options are endless: we should consider what kind of food will be the most helpful in making our vehicle run efficiently. Student life is stacked with deadlines, like an over-burdened roof-rack, so efficiency and balance is key.

What and how we eat affects our life, and although most people have no criterion for choosing food other than price and sensual desire, it is vital to consider a bit beyond this. By knowing how to really nourish ourselves—through a balanced lifestyle of eating, sleeping, working, and recreation—our mind, body, and spirit can be in harmony.

Just as you would not find a tiger trying to eat from an orange tree, we should eat according to our prescription. Eating the correct foods, like fruits (from “The Bubble”), vegetables, and grains, will help our bodies. These will give us strength, health, happiness, and satisfaction.

So, to avoid having a diesel-ridden, burnt out vehicle, try and be kind to your body.

*Disclaimer Due to abandonment of the aforementioned trophy girlfriend-esque lifestyle at the commencement of the university trimester, I have probably saved about $400, lost 2kg, and allowed my liver to regain approximately 15 years of its lifespan.

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Postgraduate Connection

The Queer Agenda

Lynette Johnson When I look back at my undergraduate days, I shudder at the amount of fast food I ate (coming from America, this is not uncommon). I did not know how to cook, and when I did it usually ended up a tasteless disaster.

One would think that after graduating college I would have learned how to cook. Well, not really. I was spoiled by my family who were making me delicious meals.

Then postgraduate life happened. I moved to a foreign country and realized that I needed to learn how to freaking cook.

Moving into my current flat was one of the best things that happened to me. I moved in with three people and they decided that each flatmate should take turns cooking for everyone. At first, I was against the idea; “I don’t know how to cook.” “I might not be home during the evenings, so this won’t work out.”

I realised that none of my excuses worked. So I gave up and started cooking. And guess what? It wasn’t that bad. It’s hard to find my favorite American soul-food dishes, so I’m forced to make them from scratch.

You may have noticed a smattering of UniQ’s enlightening posters strewn haphazardly over the walls.

These posters are effectively etiquette guides, providing rules of thumb to remember when interacting with your transgender peers. They have been organized, designed, and produced by members of the executive with the goal of improving the quality of life on campus for transgender students, staff, and faculty.

AN that we want to convey with the poster campaign is the importance of avoiding the use, and even recognition, of trans people’s deadnames.

Deadnaming is the practice of referring to trans people by their given names, rather than the ones they have chosen to better reflect their gender identities.

Deadnaming, like the improper use of gender pronouns (she/hers for someone who uses he/him, for instance), invalidates trans identity.

Victoria University has no mechanism in place for avoiding deadnaming and pronoun misuse. This means that deadnames, and the presumed pronouns that accompany them, continue to dog trans students throughout their time here, continually outing them to peers, staff, faculty, and administrators. Being outed as trans without consent is therefore the norm at Vic. This is unacceptable and unsafe, given the disproportionate amount of violence trans people experience on individual, institutional, and systemic levels in New Zealand.

Currently the only way to mitigate these risks is for students to email lecturers, course coordinators, and tutors before classes and explain their situation, and for this to be understood and respected. That this process goes smoothly is a lot to presume, and ignores the fact that it coerces trans students into outing themselves to people to whom they may not feel safe doing so. UniQ is preparing a template document that trans students can access to streamline this process, in lieu of institutional support, but this is very much a bandage solution.

We deserve better. Vic owes us an enrolment system that respects our identities and doesn’t actively endanger us—UniQ has been fighting for this change for several months now. UniQ is also putting forward initiatives around consultation on diversity and sensitivity training. We’re trying to make this university a safer and more equitable place for trans people. To hear more about what UniQ is doing to address these problems, come to our IGM on Thursday, March 31. As usual, free pizza!

Here are some tips for cooking on a budget: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

Plan your meals. Make a grocery list and stick to it!

Go vegetarian for half the week. Have meat based dishes when you can afford them.

Make dinner with your flatmates to keep costs down. Everyone can chip in.

Freeze leftovers in serving size portions. They will last a long time and taste great.

Practice, practice, practice. Spending five minutes chopping an onion is boring, but with practice you’ll be able to do it in under a minute.

Tinned tomatoes (season them well!) and chickpeas are great for bulking out stews and one-pot meals.

Bread and eggs are great too.

Spice it up! Salt and pepper are your friends. Your meals will taste so much better.

This column is brought to you by the Postgraduate Student Association. Contact us at pgsa@vuw.ac.nz, and let us know if you’re keen to contribute to future columns.

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Food Kate Morten

is impressive as hell. This particular slaw is crunchy, spicy and sharp, just like all the best things in life, and has a dressing that you should probably make in bulk and put on everything.

Bust out your pickles; let’s make a slaw. A slaw is one of those salads that involves very little work and very little cost, because, essentially, it’s just shredded cabbage. But throw some cheeky herbs, pickled bits, nuts, and seeds at it, and suddenly your slaw

Dressing 6 tbsp sesame oil 2 tbsp soy sauce (or tamari, which is gluten free) Juice of 1 lime 1 tsp honey 1 clove of garlic, minced 1 thumb of ginger, grated finely

Sesame-ginger slaw ½ red cabbage, shredded ½ savoy cabbage, shredded 1 large beetroot, grated ½ red onion, thinly sliced ¼ cup pickled carrots (drained) ¼ cup pickled radishes (drained) 1 small handful mint, shredded roughly 1 handful coriander, shredded roughly + extra for garnish 2 Tbsp sesame seeds + extra for garnish (a mix of black and white if you’ve got ‘em!) ½ red chilli, sliced thinly

Toss all your slaw ingredients together in a bowl. In a jar, combine your dressing ingredients (make sure the honey dissolves all up in there). Drizzle the dressing over the slaw and toss it all together. Put it in a bowl, throw extra sesame seeds and coriander leaves artfully over the top, and enjoy one incredibly aesthetic looking slaw. Chow down on that.

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Miss Demeanour Miss Demeanour helps a reader with ‘girl problems’ in this week’s advice column. If you’ve got probs of your own, send them to missdemeanour16@gmail.com. Shit gets real all the time. Let’s put it into perspective.

complete bullshit in the way they show what university life is like. I went to uni in the states and it ain’t like that there either! Don’t be losing your pretty head over falling for the Hollywood traps: movies are fictions and your uni years will be what you alone make of them.

So you don’t want to go to Courtney Place and walk through vomit and throngs of nasty, grabby men on a sat night? Then don’t. Stay in and host a board game night at your place. Skype your ma & pa. You seem to be putting a whole lot of pressure on yourself to fit into this preconceived mould of what uni life is supposed to be like.

You do you, girl! And if that means staying in with a good book or downing a bottle of vodka with your mates and having a pillow fight (ala Pitch Perfect 2) then go ahead.

You can go home to your parents too, and to be honest, I’ve been known to hide under my own goddamn desk when the going gets too tough. But you know, I always get back up again.

First year uni is hard. And not a lot of people tell you how lonely it is and just how much you miss your parents.

But people get through it. And you’ll get through it too.

Take some solace in knowing that you’re not alone in being scared, in not knowing if you’re pursuing the right path, in wanting to hide under the bed. All of this shit is just the beginning of what it takes to be an adult, kitten face, and hiding under a bed isn’t going to help much in the long run. It’s time to stop watching Hollywood rom-coms and really focus on what you want from this experience. The onus is on you, bae. Go on and impress yourself.

Dear Miss Demeanour, I’m doing a degree I’m not sure I want to be doing, in a city that I’m not sure I want to be living in. I feel really overwhelmed with all of the options I’ve got, to the point of paralysis. I thought I wanted this. I wanted to want this— the higher ed, the drunken nights on Courtney Place, the uni life that was promised me in movies like Pitch Perfect.

I’m a few months into my degree and I just want to move back home with my parents and crawl under my bed. Am I lame? Do I suck? I can’t even face the idea of dropping out let alone having that discussion with my parents, but I also don’t see how I can continue on with what I’m doing because I’m so miserable. Tell me what I should do.

Sleepless in Kelburn

Dear Sleepless, Fuck me you’re overwhelmed by your options. Girl, the world is your motherfucking oyster, and it’s time to get shucked. You don’t like the degree you’re in, change it.

IT IS POSSIBLE. Get your ass into student services and talk to a trusted advisor—surprisingly they actually know their shit and they get PAID TO HELP STUDENTS LIKE YOU. I, too, am a fan of the Pitch Perfects, even though there’s something about Anna Kendrick’s face that makes me want to kick it in, the movies are charming and also

X, Miss Demeanour.

34

“Sports!”

What we talk about when we talk about science

Joe Morris

James Churchill University is a perfect time for young adults to develop a financial interest in the more nefarious, governmentally endorsed side of our sporting past times. Course related costs could be doubled with a trip to your local TAB (Totalisator Agency Board). Why not go double or nothing with your minimum wage paycheck? The $10.00 left over after rent and a week’s worth of People’s Coffee could instantly become one more ‘required’ text for FINA 101.

A well-placed quinella should do it. How about ‘Boxachocolates’: Local who is resuming. Showed ability last time. Expect a bold run here. And ‘My Mustang Molly’: Came third Awapuni. Tried hard when runner up at Otaki. Can go one better. They seem worth a shout, and the italics seem inherently trustworthy.

For many of you, the trip will entail a drop in at Four Kings or the Cambridge Hotel. Betting at established pubs is preferable to stand alone TABs. For me, the trip was a tough Friday night at the Newtown TAB, attached to what was Zoo Bar, and is now Le Manaia Sports Bar (an interesting portmanteau).

Here, with fluorescent lighting, old TV screens, and overly air-conditioned atmosphere, one could be forgiven for believing they had already been institutionalised. Adding to such a belief was an odor hopefully coming from the carpet, more likely emanating from the leathered patrons, eyes glued to said screens across the oversized foyer.

Before deciding to bet on ‘Boxachocolates’ and ‘My Mustang Molly’, I pondered the question of what to bet on for too long. Without going deep into game theory (see online: the New Yorker, “What Would Jesus Bet?”), the horses seemed an easy choice: pick a funny name with good odds. But now I’ve learnt that half of all racing horses experience esophageal bleeding, and 90% have “blood deeper in their lungs.” Ethically, then, the horses are out. Mustang Molly didn’t come through anyway.

What about the dogs? We all know a moustachedand-balding uncle-type for tips on the dogs. But yet again, greyhound racing is illegal in 39 states in America, and in New Zealand euthanized dogs aren’t even recorded, on top of 176 injured dogs at one Auckland racetrack last year alone.

My betting is now in ethical disarray. At least Buck Shelford chose to play a sport where losing a testicle was a real risk. Go the ‘Canes….

I remember having to watch An Inconvenient Truth in high school. I remember listening to Al Gore talk about greenhouse gases, rising sea levels, and global warming.

It was difficult to imagine back then, like when you read about war and try to picture what it would really would have been like. Such things are too far removed from our reality.

But the way we think about climate change must change. We must move on from simply speculating, and confront what is happening here and now.

The statistics are startling. America’s National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has reliable records for global temperatures dating back to 1880.

Since 2010 we have experienced four out of the five hottest years on record. 2015 sits very comfortably at the top of the list, and NASA recently declared January 2016 the most anomalously hot month in the whole 135 years of record keeping. Evidently, the planet is getting hotter.

Violent weather is another consequence of climate change that is increasingly manifesting in the present.

Do you remember the big storm that hit Fiji in February?

That storm, cyclone Winston, was the most powerful ever recorded in the Southern Hemisphere. The wind speed rose to 325km/h, (I’d like to make a joke about how we’re Wellingtonians and that’s just a breeze, but this isn’t a joke), five Fijians died, and many more lost their homes. Who is to blame? Fiji was the first country to ratify the Paris Climate Agreement, while New Zealand’s climate policy continues to regress and stagnate. This is a classic example of the kind of injustice we can expect to see a lot more of in the future.

Innocent developing nations suffering due to lack of action on behalf of the developed world.

When we talk about climate change we are no longer talking about the future. We must shift our imagination away from fantastical images of the Statue of Liberty submerged in snow, and toward the reality of what we are experiencing here and now. In 2016 our climate is changing. This may be inconvenient but it is the truth.

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The Arts Section 37

Visual Arts

38

Music

39 Music 40 Film 41 Film 42

Games

43 TV 44

Books

45 Theatre

The Arts Section is sponsored by:

What happens when an artist dies?

Robbie Whyte

Do we keep their texts?

Panel Discussion: When Artists Die (Thursday, March 10, City Gallery Wellington) Panelists: Marie Shannon (partner of the late Julian Dashper), gallerist Gary Langsford, curator Kendrah Morgan, commentator Jim Barr, Len Lye Foundation director Evan Webb, and chaired by City Gallery chief curator Robert Leonard.

(In association with Julian Dashper & Friends, on till the 15th of May 2016)

What’s on: Bullet Time. 25 March – 10 July Showcasing the work of two New Zealand video artists, Daniel Crooks and Steve Carr alongside two historical photographers— Eadweard Muybridge (1830–1904) and Harold ‘Doc’ Edgerton (1903–90). City Gallery Wellington.

Matthew Barney: DRAWING RESTRAINT - 26th February - 24th April 2016. The Adam Art Gallery.

Line Line Linea - Contemporary Drawing - 26th February - 24th April 2016. The Adam Art Gallery.

Other Ways Other Wise - Karin van Roosmalen - 11th March - 2nd April 2016 - Toi Pōneke Gallery

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Visual Arts

I find it interesting, in the same way it is interesting that people are infected by the Kardashian Kondition, that the market and culture becomes obsessed by artists to the point that a letter to their friend becomes important history. Maybe it is important. Maybe it is context that can provide insight into how artists were thinking politically or culturally. Or maybe it is just superfluous personal debris... in the end the market decides what becomes cultural capital. According to the one gallerist on the panel Gary Langsford, if the market wants Len Lye’s pants, then Len Lye’s pants they will have.

On every topic, including the more personal ones, it was hard for the panel to reach a consensus. The artist, the person, isn’t around anymore. So there is no way we could ever know whether their intention was lived up to or not. Which crumpled piece of paper was art, and which was a crumpled piece of paper. Some people might think they have the answers, but in the end the decisions made after an artists living years, are no longer theirs, and cannot be claimed as one. It would be silly to believe that they could ever be the perfect decisions, or anything more than a replica of what they may have done. Like any death, we just make the decisions we can—right or wrong.

Julian Dashper is a New Zealand art hero. He is an artist’s artist. He passed in 2009, aged 49, leaving a huge body of work to his partner Marie Shannon and their son.

His status, alongside the City Gallery’s exhibition of his work—Julian Daspher & Friends, was the provocation for chief curator Robert Leonard to host the poignant conversation.

Marie Shannon spoke about organising and simultaneously restoring the studio of Julian, so as to catalogue his valuable work, but also with the need for it to stay the same—a memorial of sorts. Her perspective was personal, a reflection on both methods of cataloging, and methods of grieving. These are echoed in her work What I Am Looking At, currently showing at the City Gallery and the Dowse.

The audience asked about artists letters: is it right for personal communications to be kept, published, and shown posthumously? I thought it would be an easy question, but apparently, it is more complex. There are many fields to consider: the art market, as well as its relationship to research—art history, archiving, and preservation. Jim Barr spoke of communications, between him and significant artist friends, that he has donated to Te Papa, which were particularly scathing and ruthless in content. He suggested that there is potential that an artist’s writing, personal or not, could be considered an artwork for art history’s sake. Are letters different than Facebook? Perhaps a perfectly chosen GIF is the new drawing in the margins. I wonder whether screenshots of carefully chosen emoticons will be the new ‘artist letter’, the ‘artist’s texts’.

The climax might have been the enthralling debate between Jim Barr (patron and art blogger) and Evan Webb (Len Lye Foundation director) about whether an artwork was in fact an artist’s work if they hadn’t made it. It was, surprisingly, not what I had expected going into a panel discussion around what happens when artists die. It seemed to be a critique of the Len Lye Foundations’ work in recreating Lye’s artwork from spectualive sketches and drawings made decades before. The question of whether it was ethical to make artist’s work after death, was left hanging, after a stalemate between the panelists.

Newtown Festival Interviews

Olly Clifton

Being new to Wellington, this year was my first foray to the Newtown festival. Passing through a crowd that reeked (both literally and metaphorically) of what I imagined Wellington would be like, I arrived at the Newtown Ave stage. I was shepherded into Alex’s flat from Groeni, which seemed to have had a previous life as some kind of industrial premises. I was told to talk to as many of them as I could. The conversations with artists and their friends follow.

had to turn everything down, and everyone ended up sitting down.

How are you finding Newtown?

I like Wellington, I’m always really confused when I’m here though—I never know where I am, but it’s all beautiful.

What do you think about Newtown fest?

Connor: Every year is a sunny day, it’s never a bad day.

Barnaby: Good diversity in the stages; we walked past a jazz stage, a massive ukulele band playing, some spoken word on another stage and then some electronic DJs. It’s a good mix.

Groeni We’re Groeni, that’s three members; James who plays guitar and samples, Mike who plays bass and keyboards, and Al who plays drums and sings vocals.

Describe your music in a few words.

Just R&B basically, leaning towards hip hop, soul.

Music

What do you like about festivals?

The big ones, you obviously get to play on a massive PA to a different audience you wouldn’t normally get in Wellington. There’s a super cool vibe, more about the party than the music.

Fis My name is Oliver Perryman. For the last few years I’ve been travelling and performing in Europe under the name Fis.

What do you like about Newtown fest?

Never played at Newtown festival before. I really like the programme this year, there’s heaps of cool bands. It’s not fully a music festival vibe but rather about the community and food as well.

What you think of Newtown so far?

It’s quite hot outside and I burn quite easily, so I’m just using SPF shade right now.

What do you like about festivals?

Over in Europe they tend to be really well organised, so from an artist point of view you get looked after really nicely. Because the festivals I play in Europe receive funding from the government, they’re also able to bring many unmatched artists together in the same place.

Describe your music in a few words. *Groeni-ng* (ha), dance, soul/folk/soulful/techno.

Blaeke I am Blaeke. It’s just a new electronic project that I’ve started. I’ve been in primarily folk bands, so this is a very new thing.

Explain your music in a few words.

Experimental, electronic music played on big sound systems to provide a physical meditative listening experience.

What do you like about festivals?

It’s just the atmosphere, everyone is keen to listen to music, and you feel really supported by the musicians around you. Everyone wants to listen and just enjoy themselves. I live in Newtown, I love the community, food, and music.

Sui Zhen I’m Becky Sui Zhen and I perform as Sui Zhen. This is my first time visiting and playing in New Zealand.

What’s been your favourite part of this year’s festival?

It’s been really cool having a nice space next to the stage and meeting different musicians.

How are you finding Newton festival so far?

I got to see a woman belly dancing, and everyone was eating icecream. It seems like a very community-based festival. I like the mixture of people - it seems to have a diverse audience watching the Newtown stage as well.

Describe your music in a few words.

Melodic, rhythmic, hopefully kind of atmospheric. I guess it’s personal music.

Describe your music in a few words.

Japanese-city-lounge-pop with lyrics and melody at it’s core and lots of 808s.

Fortunes We’re in Fortunes which is an electronic R&B duo in Melbourne. Barnaby makes beats and Connor sings.

Newtown festival is unlike any festival I’ve been to before.

Beneath the vibrant atmosphere was a sublime selection of music, made by some clever and thoughtful people not to rake in the cash, but to share the love of music with some of the most outrageous and weird folk of Wellington.

Have you played in NZ before?

We actually played here one time, in this lounge which was pretty funny. It turned out be a real intimate gig because the sound control got called real early so we 38

Ravenous Man Dreams of the Deep

Robert Barratt

Music crisp guitar riffs that are buried in feedback, clean and airy vocals that are drenched in reverb and echo, each with an innate sense of beauty that’s obscured, hidden. All of this is just waiting for you to enjoy.

This is definitely one of my more metaphorical reviews, and with good reason. Undergrowth is steeped in imagery, with continuous themes of crawling, pulling, and escaping. Lines like, “the water is closing/over our heads” (from title track “Undergrowth”) add to the visceral depth of the instrumentals, and create morphing, evolving images as all the best psych rock does—although, I’m wary to label this psych.

All together, the opposing elements—the dark and brooding environment with glimmers of light floating above—are a very enjoyable listen. If you feel like listening to the best underwater-salem-witch-trials-heavy-psychalternative-rock that not only Wellington, but New Zealand, has to offer; this is by far the best place to start.

Five fish on this plate.

When I was younger, I went water skiing with my family.

I wasn’t particularly good at it, spending more time with my head underwater than I did standing up. But, despite this constant failure, I quite enjoyed myself, until all of a sudden something touched my legs. Looking back, this was probably a piece of seaweed or a small fish, but at the time it was Cthulu himself reaching out to drag me into the depths. My parents had to drag me back onboard in an almost catatonic state.

This experience is exactly what it feels like to listen to the new Mermaidens album, Undergrowth: a sense of unexplained danger, a threatening invisible leviathan that you, the listener, are treading just above.

Despite the band’s short life span, their sound has changed immensely. Originally comprised of two guitars and a drummer, one could argue that this dish was palatable to a wider audience. But being palatable isn’t excellence. After switching a guitar for a bass, the Mermaidens sound has become a lot more fleshed out— flesh being the best term of use as it invokes images of fish markets, headless creatures being dragged from the depths and put on display. But, these beasts have been cooked to perfection. They are the kind of meal you remember; one that you look back on and judge all other meals against. The tracks “Undergrowth” and intro piece “Under The Mountain II”, are perhaps the best example of this. They have many mouthfuls on offer: tempo shifts and

(Full disclosure: I worked with Lily, the bassist of the band, last year and was sent a promo copy of the album to review. However, in the interest of being impartial, I decided to write this review drunk.)

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Français ou Américain? A review of Le Dîner de Cons Directed by Francis Veber 5/5

Film

Review by Livné Ore

gaffe as his one success is unintentionally foiled, leaving the audience crying with laughter at the end of the film.

Truly, the last word “con!” is correct.

Meanwhile, Dinner for Schmucks takes the concept and strips it of wittiness, mystery, and malicious joy.

The dinner itself is a feature of the film, the subplot of marriage woes becomes a ‘McGuffin’ (a plot enabling device that the protagonist pursues with little or no narrative explanation—so it’s basically just for laughs), and the ending is happy. Brochant’s character is made more sympathetic, and instead of being a regular contestant he is a first-time participant, trying to win the competition, rather than playing for fun. Other changes are made to the plot, leaving characters benign and out of touch with the deadpan severity of the original film. The schadenfreude element (the pleasure derived from the misfortune of others) is softened, the cruelty of humanity glossed over, the hilarity Americanised and just not as good.

Even with subtitles, Le Dîner de Cons was a hyenacackle inducing film. Dinner for Schmucks? I could barely watch until the end, it was so cringe-worthy. The humour is so different! The French, who appreciate cleverness and sarcastic, droll, mocking humour, do not self-deprecate themselves in jokes (in general).

In contrast, American humour can’t be too mean, aggressive, ironic, or satirical, especially when the butt of the joke totally lacks self-awareness. Situations and statements are made hyperbolic to emphasise their falseness, or enhance their absurdity.

Puns. The French language offers so much more opportunity with wordplay!

Convinced yet? If not, go watch Le Dîner de Cons.

You’ll learn what ROFL really means.

Many of you will have heard of Dinner for Schmucks (2010), since it stars Paul Rudd and Steve Carell.

Unfortunately not many of you will have heard of Le Dîner de Cons (1998), the original French film it was based on, despite the protagonists being played by equally famous actors—Thierry Lhermitte and Jacques Villeret. And, you may not know that its first incarnation was a stage play written by the same French director, Francis Veber.

Le Dîner de Cons is magnificent from the opening credits, with a whimsical song that is full of puns on the word con: which can mean anything from c*nt to fool, and about everything in between. The film creates a mood of exasperation and utter disbelief at the sheer stupidity of some people, as well as the suspicion that no one could be so stupid without doing it on purpose. It must be a con!

Here the film brings in an element of English wordplay as well.

Le Dîner de Cons follows the efforts of a group of businessmen to find the densest people imaginable, who they invite to a weekly dinner and talk about their strange pastimes. Each member seeks to introduce a champion imbecile, and after dinner the ‘most idiotic’ is judged. Hilarity ensues when an avid participant, Monsieur Brochant, is tipped off to a particularly eccentric matchstick artist, the bumbling but good-natured Pignon.

Hoodwinked into joining the dinner, Pignon is left alone with Brochant at home after a golfing accident renders Brochant incapable of attending. The blundering Mr. Pignon eagerly stays to care for the injured Brochant, even though he causes more trouble.

Francis Veber delivers a marvellous plot, managing to consistently create situations that provoke laughter, astonishment, and sickening wrenches of frustration.

Pignon, incompetent as ever, manages to make a final 40

French Film 101 Review by Dana Williams

“All you need for a movie is a gun and a girl”—Jean-Luc Godard, 1991.

Marguerite

The Alliance Française French Film Festival has been running over the past couple of weeks, so we thought it would be worthwhile to run a review section on the beauty that is French film. Including a 2015/16 entry Marguerite, to the 1999 French comedy Le Dîner de Cons and its American counterpart Dinner for Schmucks, this week’s section showcases the class, prestige, and sometimes absurdity, that French cinema possesses.

Noted for having a particularly strong film industry, France is the birthplace of many great directors, traditions and movements. Household names include Jean-Luc Godard, François Truffaut, André Bazin, and Agnés Varda; all of whom were founders of the French New Wave. A movement (although never formally organised as such) which rejected traditional literary practices of novelists, and emphasised self-conscious, youthful, and experimental filmmaking.

Considering this, here are our top suggestions for watching French films: Subtitles are your friend. Although it may seem obvious, turning subtitles on for a film in a foreign language is always a good first step (no, this doesn’t make you special). This way you can become familiar with the French accent and pronunciation before watching films without your training wheels.

2.

Make it a routine! It may seem daunting to watch a film in a foreign language, but we can assure you that once you start you’ll be hooked. You could try watching one French film in place of one English film every week. Think of it as d’une pierre, deux coups (killing two birds with one stone).

3.

Start with animated films. Because who doesn’t love a great kids flick? The synopsis and characters are generally easier to follow in these films (French cinema is renowned for having complex plots and character development). Try The Painting (2011).

Review by Livné Ore

Film

1.

Directed by Xavier Giannoli 3.5/5

Directed by Xavier Giannoli, Marguerite is the nightmare story of every singer. The wealthy protagonist, Marguerite Dumont (Catherine Frot), is an atrocious singer, but continues to perform in ever grander venues, ignorant of her terrific lack of talent.

Set in Paris during the roaring 20s, with gorgeous costuming and elaborate set-design, Marguerite is based on the notoriously awful career of Florence Foster Jenkins, who was an American socialite and amateur opera soprano. The episodic film follows Jenkins’ story faithfully, with an unexpected plot-twist. The film introduces an element of naivety that Jenkins perhaps did not have (Jenkins carefully made sure not to invite critics to her performances, while Marguerite invites them wholeheartedly). The film progresses in its cringeworthy glory as no one, including her ambivalent husband (André Marcon), has the courage to break the fantasy of Marguerite’s talents.

Satirical of the allowances given to the rich, Giannoli creates an absolute farce, questioning the line between loyalty and betrayal. Marguerite’s self-delusion astounds, and its perseverance against impossible odds amuses and horrifies. Class pretensions are pointedly played upon, tragedy strikes. All in all, this film was a pleasure to watch.

For those of you who, like me, need the English subtitles, rest assured that the experience is not lessened—you can still tell that the singing is awful! The only retraction is that, like a lot of French films, it’s a little slower than mainstream cinema.

Films of note Pierrot le Fou (1965), Breathless (1960), Orphée (1950), Jules and Jim (1962), Caché (2005), Summer Hours (2008)

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SUPERHOT Developer: Superhot Team Publisher: Superhot Team, IMGN.PRO Platform: PC (Windows, OS X, Linux), Xbox One

4/5

Games

Review by Cameron Gray is no exception, complete with DOS-style menus and some creative ASCII art. For the sake of spoilers I won’t delve further into the specifics of the story, but let’s just say there’s a reason people are calling Superhot “the most innovative shooter [...] in years,” and it’s not the one you’re thinking of.

The campaign is definitely interesting, but there is one issue that simply cannot be overlooked: for a skilled player, it is barely two hours long. With a current price tag of $34.99, the value proposition is not particularly compelling. I am interested in metanarrative and did find the campaign quite satisfying, but I died an awful lot during my campaign run which artificially extended my total playtime. Some games can do an awful lot in just two hours, but Superhot falls short.

Never fear, for once you complete the campaign there are plenty of challenges and an endless mode to keep you occupied, which can prove to be quite fun. You can even upload and share replays using the game’s Killstagram service, a fun little extra that may well teach you ways to play the game you never thought possible.

Superhot is indeed an innovative shooter, a simple idea that can feel stretched out but is nevertheless a cool exploration of what the shooter genre is capable of. It’s definitely worth a look, but you might want to wait for a salSUPERHOT SUPERHOT SUPERHOT SUPERHOT SUPERHOT SUPERHOT SUPERHOT SUPERHOT SUPERHOT SUPERHOT SUPERHOT SUPERHOT SUPERHOT SUPERHOT SUPERHOT SUPER-

First created as part of a game jam back in 2013 and funded by a Kickstarter campaign, Superhot could have easily been another overly ambitious indie project that failed to live up to expectations. Instead it steps out of that dark shadow and achieves much of what it set out to do, but not before it fucks with your head.

The core concept behind Superhot is that “time only moves when you move,” an idea that is so simple you wonder why nobody has tried it before. Essentially, you are placed in a permanent bullet time, enabling you to plan out a method of attack right down to individual gunshots while avoiding enemy fire. The enemies are relentless in their pursuit of you, and with only a single hit point, one misstep could see you eating a fatal bullet.

You have typical FPS weapons at your disposal (pistol, shotgun, and semi-auto rifle), plus katanas, baseball bats, and even improvised weapons. The core mechanic allows you to pull off some ridiculous manoeuvres. Never before has punching an enemy, grabbing their gun, and then blowing their head off been so satisfying. A minimalist cyberpunk-inspired environment complements the mechanics and makes the game easy to pick up. If it’s red, it’s an enemy; if it’s black, use it as a weapon. Once you’ve completed a level, a voice over repeats “SUPERHOT” while a replay of your run without the time delays is shown. It’s impossible to not feel like a badass once you’re done.

With all this in mind, little can prepare you for the mind-fuckery that is the campaign. There appears to be a trend running that sees games utilising a postmodern metanarrative, which toy with the player’s expectations of what a game can do. Many of these games are set within a simulated operating system that, for one reason or another, does not want you to play the game. Superhot

…eh, sorry about that.

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The Bachelor NZ, Season Two 5/5 Review by Katie Meadows

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TV

are by far the most interesting, with Naz being framed as the show’s villain from early on, probably because she is a woman who possesses strength and confidence. Every time she appears there is a sharp sound of a knife being drawn. It’s not great. There are a handful of very pale brunette women, the most interesting thing about any of them being that one of them is named Storm. The rest of the bachelorettes are a sea of blonde white women, an indistinguishable blur of beige forms, all repeating things like “Jordan looks really good” and “I definitely want to spend more time with Jordan” as they sit huddled around glasses of white wine, fake laughing.

How many wait staff are employed for these ‘cocktail parties’? How long is the bar open? Is there a drink limit?

At the end of the first night Harmony definitely reached it, and the bachelorettes allowed her an entire couch to roll around on as they stood on the other side of the pool looking down their noses at her. She may have gone home first, but she got a lot of free drinks out of it and that’s commendable.

After two episodes it is already clear that 33 year old retirement village worker and Scrabble enthusiast Rebecca will win the damn thing. Not only did she throw out a Star Wars reference when they first met in the driveway, but, according to renowned source of journalistic integrity Stuff.co.nz, she’s writing her thesis on romance in reality television. What an incredible research opportunity. Here’s hoping the last episode ends with her and Jordan speeding into the sunset at 88mph, disappearing in a blaze of fire, travelling back in time to whenever the antiquated gender norms of The Bachelor were considered okay.

One man. 23 women. One mansion. True love. Mike Puru.

The Bachelor NZ is back on our screens. A year after Art Green and Matilda Rice found love, or maybe got paid to keep being in each other’s Instagram posts, we are finally blessed to witness another man make women compete for his attention on television, for roses, until one of them, ultimately, receives something an aging Michael Hill has personally crafted in his tiny old man hands.

Looking more like the host of The Bachelor than he does the actual bachelor, 32 year old Jordan Mauger is the complete opposite of previous bachelor Art Green— except not really because he is still a white man. A filmmaker and producer, Jordan would rather spend the day on the family farm than drag you around Ponsonby doing paleo food tastings. He is a true Cantabrian and he loves stubbies. Jordan is in fact so average that one of the women is rumoured to have remarked behind his back, “I could just find any guy like him out in the club any night I want.” However he also has a Delorean with the number plate MJ FOX, which propels him far and beyond Art Green standards, though admittedly that bar was very low (he was a dick AND he did blackface). I honestly just want to see more shots of the Delorean. The ten seconds of Jordan driving down a stretch of empty country road was not enough for me.

To say The Bachelor is problematic viewing is a definite understatement. Out of 23 bachelorettes, only four of them are women of colour—Metz, Harmony, Naz, and Catherine—two of whom are eliminated within the first two episodes (though blogger/fashion designer Claudia at one point states that being brunette “makes me look Hawaiian, but I’m not Hawaiian!”). Metz and Naz

Sushi: Easy Recipes for Making Sushi at Home

How to Eat: The Pleasures & Principles of Good Food

Emi Kazuko, Fiona Smith, & Elsa Petersen-Schepelern Ryland Peters & Small 3.5/5

Nigella Lawson Random House 4/5 Review by Cassie Richards

Books

Review by Margot Sorensen Before she became famous for her sultry brand of cooking, Nigella Lawson was a food writer. Her first book, How to Eat, has become a classic for its fusion of cookbook and personal homage to food. In her own words from the introduction: “Cooking is not just about joining the dots, following one recipe slavishly and then moving on to the next. It’s about developing an understanding of food [...] about the simple desire to make yourself something to eat.” This intimate and flexible relationship with food is what Nigella is all about, and her relaxed, conversational tone is like receiving advice from a kind aunt. She never insists, only suggests, and doesn’t make you feel bad for using tinned tomatoes rather than fresh. Some of the recipes here will be too pricey for a student budget, but there are some delicious and simple dishes too, such as pea risotto, lemon linguine, and apple and walnut crumble.

This is an introductory guide to making sushi and its accompanying dishes. It’s nothing flash, and being more or less uninitiated when I received it as a gift, this cookbook was my starting point for cooking Japanese food. It includes handy diagrams of standard ingredients and techniques for not only sushi making, but Japanese cooking as a whole. The recipes accommodate both adventurous tastes and the more hesitant, beginning with simple cucumber rolls then moving on to recipes with ingredients such as mackerel, pickled plums, and lotus root. The book even provides a few versions for kids.

Accompanying recipes also include miso soup, pickles, fresh wasabi paste, and Japanese omelette—all essential if you want really good Japanese meals. If you’ve been wanting to try making Japanese food, or even just branch out in your cooking, this cookbook is a good one for it.

Moosewood Cookbook Mollie Katzen Ten Speed Press 5/5

Love Your Leftovers: Recipes for the Resourceful Cook Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall Bloomsbury 5/5

Review by Sarah Batkin

Review by Cassie Richards

Listed as one of the New York Times’ bestselling cookbooks of all time, Moosewood has been at the apex of vegetarian home cooking since 1974, and is as much a part of counter-culture as Woodstock and the Vietnam War protests. It was my Mum’s first cookbook, given to her at the ripe old age of fifteen by my Grandma, who also has a first edition copy. Each recipe is hand lettered and accompanied by kitschy drawings all done by Katzen. The fare is cheap and easy to make; even the staunchest of omnivores will appreciate the Mushroom Moussaka or the Gypsy Soup. Proving its longevity, the 40th anniversary edition is currently available, or you can hunt down a pre-loved copy. Other quirky titles by Katzen include The Enchanted Broccoli Forest, Pretend Soup and Other Real Recipes, and Honest Pretzels.

Ah, lovely Hugh. This latest installment from River Cottage is based around something that should be dear to every savvy student’s heart—leftovers. Leftovers are your friend, especially when it’s exam time and you’ve already spent all your dosh on Domino’s. But I digress. The recipes here range from the “I can’t believe I didn’t think of that,” to the slightly more advanced but still totally achievable. Potato peel soup! Sauteed cucumbers! (Use up that soggy one that’s been sitting the in the fridge for a little too long).

Spaghetti bolognese omelette! (Wow, just wow). As if he couldn’t be any more lovely, Hugh has also included some handy tips, such as: how to make stock (both meat and veggie); the best ways to thicken soup; how to structure an excellent salad; and several different salad dressings, from the simple to the slightly more fancy, so you don’t need to keep buying the icky supermarket stuff. We love you, Hugh.

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Review: The ACB with Honora Lee

Clowning at Perfection A review of Fringe Festival performance, Perhaps, Perhaps… Quizás

Review by Ruby Hansen

Review by Adeline Shaddick

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Theatre

If you managed to see this show, you can understand why Gabriela Munoz won the two most highly regarded Fringe awards: Outstanding Performer and Best in Fringe!

Perhaps, Perhaps… Quizás is a solo clown performance all the way from Mexico, first performed in New York 2010, that has since traveled worldwide.

As the audience filed into the Propellor stage at BATS, before us, behind a white mesh canopy and sitting at a ladies vanity, was the curious clown, Greta. Munoz rendering of Greta is visually reminiscent of Marie Antoinette meets Helena Bonham Carter meets Alice in Wonderland—with her own quirky twist. Greta wears a puffy, disheveled wedding dress, complete with satin knickers and pantyhose. Her hair is frizzy and teased. Her face is powdered white, with contrasting dark profound eyebrows. The brows alone were worth watching for an hour! Munoz had an exquisite range of facial expressions.

She engaged and entertained from the get-go, holding our attention without dialogue.

The audience joined the beloved Greta on her quest to find a man to marry—all without the use of dialogue.

She has prepared the entire wedding; from the ring, the cake, and the ceremony. All she is missing is someone to marry (and a celebrant). This is where the audience comes into play. Munoz interacts with the audience superbly. She finds the balance between teasing audience members and accepting their offers. We follow the poignant and hilarious narrative of Greta and her selected audience member’s wedding day, and the quirky mishaps and playfulness around these peculiar marriage rituals.

Unfortunately the season has closed, however if you ever get the chance to watch this performance, you must!

She is one talented human who has perfected the art of being a clown.

Jane Waddel and her creative team delivered a sensitive, heart-warming, and animated adaption of The ACB with Honora Lee, a 2012 novel by New Zealand’s adored author Kate De Goldi. The narrative follows granddaughter Perry’s blossoming relationship with her rather forgetful grandmother. Through the eyes of Perry, a nine year old girl, the audience gains insight into the colourful naivety and curious wisdom she possesses.

The show begins with petite Perry sprawled on the ground scribbling a picture of a bumblebee. Lauren Gibson (Perry) captures the essence of the nine year old girl extremely well. She is thoughtful, energetic, and eccentric; with bubbling mannerisms and ideas. Similarly, Ginette McDonald as grandmother Honora Lee, gave a strong, truthful performance. Stroppy and stubborn, or bossy and boisterous, her unconventional Granny qualities and passion for the alphabet made her character all the more charismatic. It takes acting skill and talent to embody the characters in such lights.

The transitions between scene, gave colour and humor. They were lively and buoyant; punctuated by the sound (John McKay) of felt-tip pens sketching on a pad with AV projections (Blackburn and Longstaff) of live drawings. Overheard between the scenes was the voice of young Perry humming or imitating an onomatopoeic sound, such as buzzing like a bee or spewing, the way children do.

Shelia Horton’s costume design was simple and effective; a visual representation of the changing seasons.

The shift from summer garments to winter scarves and jackets was seamless.

The play epitomized a very New Zealand-esque, non-confrontational attitude towards serious issues such as death and grieving, dementia and growing old. Perry’s character embodied a fresh, ingenuous outlook on this ingrained cultural attitude. Particularly in the Santa Lucia rest home scenes, where the sadness and heartache of the characters were layered with humour.

Puzzles

Made by Puck Target Make as many words from the nine letters below as you can. Each word should be three or more letters, and contain the letter in the middle of the grid. There is at least one nineletter word.

Good: 27 Great: 32 Impressive: 36

Medium

Medium

‘Category Five’ Each of the words or phrases listed below contains a hidden member of a category, missing a letter. Identify the members of the category (each of which is four or more letters long), and figure out what letter is missing from each. The missing letters, in order, spell out the name of the category.

FREI JOAO ALVARES ARCHERY PIET MONDRIAN REVOLVER AMARILLO, TEXAS HASTA MANANA MANGROVE SKIING DEMONIC

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Contributors

About Us Salient is published by, but remains editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association (VUWSA). Salient is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA). Salient is funded in part by Victoria University of Wellington students through the Student Services Levy. The views expressed in Salient do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, VUWSA, or the University.

Complaints People with a complaint against the magazine should complain in writing to the Editor at editor@salient.org.nz and then, if not satisfied with the response, to VUWSA.

Editors Emma Hurley and Jayne Mulligan editor@salient.org.nz Design and Illustration Ella Bates-Hermans designer@salient.org.nz News Editor Kate Robertson news@salient.org.nz Chief Sub Editor Tim Manktelow Sub-Editors Ali Kaye Tom Danby Bronwyn Curtis Distributor Joe Morris News Reporters Alex Feinson Charlie Prout Meriana Johnson Matthew Collier Siobhan O’Connor Jennie-Louise Kendrick

Feature Writers Finnius Teppett Brodie Fraser Emma Hurley Jayne Mulligan

Contributor of The Wee Katie Meadows - because her Bachelor review made us lol.

Section Editors Cassie Richards (Books) Dana Williams and Isaac Brodie (Film) Harri Robinson (Music) Ophelia Wass (Theatre) Ruby Joy Eade, Lucy Wardle, Louise Rutledge, Robbie Whyte (Visual Arts) Cameron Gray (Games) Katie Meadows (TV)

Contact Level 2 Student Union Building Victoria University PO Box 600, Wellington 04 463 6766

Read Salient online at salient.org.nz

Other contributors Alex Feinson, Jennie-Louise Kendrick, Alasdair Keating, Siobhan O’Connor, Meriana Johnson, Charlie Prout, Annaliese Wilson, Laura Bernard, Jess Scott, Margot Sorensen, Sarah Batkin, Jen Smith, Miss Demeanour, UniQ, Joe Morris, Kate Morten, Olly Clifton, Mckenzie Collins, Matthew Collier, Joshua James, Salote Cama, Ella Bates-Hermans, Olivia Parkinson, Lynette Johnson, Jamie Yeates, James Churchill, Robert Barratt, Livné Ore, Ruby Hansen, Adeline Shaddick, Jonathan Gee, Sharon Lam, and Puck.

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Printed by Inkwise, Ashburton Advertising Jason Sutton jason.sutton@vuwsa.org.nz 04 463 6982 Social Media fb.com/salientmagazine T: @salientmagazine I: @salientgram S: salientmag

JOIN US AT OUR INITIAL GENERAL MEETING

Wednesday 6 April at 1pm The Hub, Kelburn

We’ll be presenting our 2015 Annual Report and Statement of Accounts, appointing an auditor and independent arbitrator.

Following the meeting will be a Thursdays in Black forum.

Free Pizza!

YOUR STUDENTS’

ASSOCIATION

vuwsa.org.nz