Issue 12 – Ships

Salient SHIPS

Vol. 83

Issue 12

01 June 2020 1

Contents EDITORIAL.......................................................................................................................................................................................... 03 NOTICES & TRI 2 ISSUES

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NEWS Shit News: Power Outages Leave Students in the Dark, But Conspiracy Theories Ignite..................................................... 05 Victim-Survivor Made to Live with Offender for Year in VUW Hall............................................................................................. 06 No Grade Scale Up for VUW Students, but Changes to Trimester 2 Coming......................................................................... 08 Todd Muller: Another Crusty White Dude?...................................................................................................................................... 09 Opinion................................................................................................................................................................................................. 10 Probing the Punters............................................................................................................................................................................ 11 FEATURES Still Moths on the Window Sill...........................................................................................................................................................

The Playa Haters' Ball.........................................................................................................................................................................

The Mysterious Lives of Dads...........................................................................................................................................................

The Subtle Joys of Curry Dating.......................................................................................................................................................

12 16 18 22

CENTREFOLD

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POETRY

COLUMNS Liquid Knowledge..............................................................................................................................................................................

Going Nowhere...................................................................................................................................................................................

Bachelor of Parenting........................................................................................................................................................................

PSC: One Ocean................................................................................................................................................................................

Student Wellbeing.............................................................................................................................................................................

VUWSA.................................................................................................................................................................................................

UniQ.....................................................................................................................................................................................................

REVIEWS Communicating on the Interweb The Friends in Friends Post Lockdown Interactions Lover Album

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Salient is funded by VUWSA, partly through the Student Services Levy. Salient is kinda, sorta editorially independent from VUWSA. It’s a long story.

Salient is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA). The perspectives and opinions in any issue of Salient do not necessarily reflect those of the Editors.

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ENTERTAINMENT Occupation Station Horoscopes

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Complaints regarding the material published in Salient should first be brought to the Editors. If displeased with the Editors’ response, the complaint should then be brought to the Media Council. Complaints should be directed to info@ mediacouncil.org.nz.

Editorial

CC: Lofa, Annabel, and Rebecca. Photo: Julia's self timer

HEY ALEXA, PLAY “RIBS” BY LORDE This week, we’re all about connections with people. We wanted to dedicate an issue to the feeling you get on your birthday when you’re surrounded by all your besties.

Relationships and friendships have many intersections, so the best way we could articulate it was by making it literal: relation/friend - ships.

However, like that shitty textpost you had on your tumblr in 2011; FriEND BoyfriEND GirlfriEND All things end >.< We’re not just here to celebrate ships. Our late teens/early twenties are trying times—first loves, first breakups, first best-friend breakups. That shit hit different to high school fall outs. If we’re all in Welly, that means we’ve either left loved ones behind or watched our friends flux to another place. These changes in circles, friendships or otherwise, have probably affected us the most in these post-high school times. Because, like, adulting is not easy.

We’ve been pretty shit friends lately. If we had a dollar for every message we’ve left unread during our time at Salient, we’d have, like, $17 dollars. This job, and this pandemic, have seriously fucked our priorities.

So to our friends, if you’re actually reading this magazine, we love you, we’re sorry, and we’ll see you soon.

RIP Rachel She’s not dead, she’s just leaving. Nah for real though, this is my last issue. Before all this rona shit went down, I was supposed to be travelling the second half of this year. That’s obviously not happening any more, so I’ll catch you guys in the unemployment line. I thought about begging Big Vic for

more Salient funding so I could stay. But, he’s only halfway through his rebrand so the purse strings are pretty tight atm :\ I’ve managed to fuck every relationship in my life doing this job. But I did it for you, dear reader. Regardless, I’m looking forward to begging all my friends for forgiveness. Also tinder.

Hmu if your ass fat.

The only relationships I haven’t destroyed (as far as I’m aware) are my Salient ones. You lot are honestly the coolest fucking people I know and I am going to miss you all so much. You should all be ridiculously proud of yourselves.

You made more mags in lockdown than you did in print and I reckon that’s pretty sick. You’re all pretty sick, come to think of it. Big love, e hoa mā.

And now for some housekeeping We’re at issue 12, and for the first time probably ever we’re not aligned with the last week of class? Wild. This tri has been fucking wild. We made the decision right at lockdown to deliver you Salient then, which means we’ve wrapped up early.

Next tri, we hope you too are fully prepared to pretend like none of this shit ever happened.

You guys can get through the next few weeks, albeit without us, and we’ll come back for tri 2 refreshed as fuck and already counting the days to 2021 (which is 213 as of Monday, by the way x).

Good luck with online exams, and we’ll see you in print, on campus, in 43 days.

Kirsty Frame (she/her) Rachel Trow (Kāi Tahu, Ngāti Tūwharetoa | she/her)

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Notices + Tri 2 Issues Victor Rodger to convene Māori and Pasifika Creative Writing Course.

Got a story to tell? Never written before?

If so, then Te Hiringa a Tuhi, the Māori and Pasifika Creative Writing Workshop (CREW260) may be for you!

Held at VUW’s International Institute of Modern Letters, CREW260 covers all forms of creative writing: from fiction, film and television through to theatre, poetry and creative non-fiction. It focuses on work that has been informed by a Māori and/or Pasifika lens.

Did we do something right?

Something wrong? Enlighten us.

Send through your letters and pitches to editor@salient.org.nz

Previous participants have ranged from people who had never written before to someone who already possessed a Masters in Creative Writing.

Te Hiringa a Tuhi will run in Trimester 2 on Mondays 9:30am-12:30pm.

Applications close on 15 June 2020.

For more information, please contact modernletters@vuw.ac.nz

WELCOME BACK Let’s try this again. Salient 2020 version 2: Electric Boogaloo. Think shit posts and denial. The last four months were just a fever dream.

QUEERLIENT The year's Queerlient issue is right around the corner and UniQ is on the lookout for contributors. Whether its features, reviews, visual art, poetry, or anything in between, we want to see it. Find us on social media or flick us an email to get involved! uniqvictoria@gmail.com

WEED You already know what it is.

WAN SOLWARA Wan Solwara, the Pasifika Issue of Salient, is coming up and we want you! If you’ve got a story to tell, an opinion to share or a piece of art to showcase, get in touch with Leilani Vae’au (President) and Lofa Totua (Public Relations Officer) at wansolwaracollective@gmail.com.

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LETTERS + TRI 2 ISSUES

News

MONDAY 01 JUNE 2020

Shit News: Power Outages Leave Students in the Dark, But Conspiracy Theories Ignite (FOR LEGAL REASONS, THIS IS A JOKE)

Victoria University of Wellington last week cut the power to Kelburn Campus in an alleged attempt to halt the production of Issue 12 of Salient.

On Monday 26th at approximately 10:30am, a power cut sent students and staff into the dark, and left some documents unsaved as a consequence.

“It’s fucked my entire week,” commented an incredibly unbiased magazine editor, who lost their copy of the news piece that should have been on this page.

Another disgruntled editor, who wished not to be named, said: “I am one CBD oil droplet away from burning this place to the ground.”

In an initial post on Facebook, the university commented that “the Kelburn Library is now closed for the remainder of the day.”

Generators on Kelburn Campus. Photo: Kirsty Frame

This was followed by a post at 5pm that evening which explained the power cut was likely to continue to Tuesday.

The outage indeed continued into Tuesday morning. Two magazine editors arrived on campus at 6:30am only to find the magnetic deadbolt system had been activated on all doors. One editor said simply, “Jesus Fucking Christ”.

The University took to Facebook on Tuesday 8:30am to confirm most of Kelburn campus would remain closed.

“This update sooner would have been quite nice,” noted one comment on the post, “as quite a few of us need to commute well before 8.30 - 8.40 when this update was sent. Even an email would be nice too.”

“Okay, who forgot to pay the electric bill?” added one commenter on an earlier post.

Other conspiracy theories suggested the outage was part of wider budget cuts to the University.

Power generators were placed outside of the Student Union building to provide temporary electricity on Tuesday. The generators' capacity did not extend to powering the Salient

office wifi, which one editor dubbed as “convenient”.

Staff were notified briefly before students on Tuesday, on a mailing list Salient has not been granted a position on. An anonymous social media manager suggested this was a consequence of Salient breaking news in March regarding the teaching pause, “which reached 10,000 people lol”.

Come Thursday, sources confirmed that the Salient wifi was still down, forcing staff to connect to the Victoria Wellington University wifi. Some staff expressed concerns and conspiracies with this predicament, namely that this allows Grant Guilford to surveill their search history.

An editor commented that much like the VUWSA CEO having access to their emails, it’s likely that surveillance was always achievable through the Salient Wifi anyways.

The two magazine editors can confirm they are “absolutely fucking done” with this trimester. Both have plans after issue 12 to remove themselves from society for some “fucking peace and quiet”, before doing it all again come tri 2.

NEWS: ISSUE 12

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Victim-Survivor Made to Live with Offender for Year in VUW Hall WORDS BY TE AOREWA ROLLESTON | NGĀI TE RANGI, NGĀTI RANGINUI | SHE/HER

CW: Sexual Assault, Sexual Harm, Sexual Misconduct

A Victoria University student has been sexually harmed at one of the University’s halls of residence.

The incident occurred at the privately owned, Te Puni Hall of residence where the first year student was staying in 2018. The offender was not removed from the hall after the incident was reported to management. The victim-survivor was forced to live with the offender for the rest of the year.

According to the victim-survivor who wishes to remain anonymous, the harmful incident took place during their first week of University.

The student had become good friends with one of the other residents in the hall who lived on the same floor.

“They didn’t take it seriously when I came to talk to them about it.”

“They only really took it seriously when he (the offender) said that it did happen… it made me feel quite upset.”

A significant miscommunication in the process was that the victim-survivor was never made explicitly aware of whether their case was being treated as a complaint or as a disclosure.

Following the incident, the student felt exploited and afraid.

But to the relief of the student they were able to make an immediate trip home on the weekend following the incident.

“My RA came up quickly and we talked about it and then they messaged the manager of the hall… They said I’ll get in contact with other people as soon as possible.”

After returning to the hall, the student explains that they decided to inform their friend a couple of weeks later as they came to realise that what had happened needed to be acknowledged.

It was not until a month later that the offender was banned from the original floor and moved to a different area of the hall.

However, after one Friday evening socializing, the same resident took advantage of the student and the sexual harm occurred.

The victim-survivor informed their RA about the incident to which the RA was immediately focused on providing assistance where needed and proceeded to pass the information to the day manager.

“My RA came up quickly and we talked about it and then they messaged the manager of the hall… they said I’ll get in contact with other people as soon as possible.”

Once the day manager was informed, a series of interviews and explicit discussions took place over the next month with the hall management staff.

“I had two interviews and he had two interviews… but not together.”

It was during these interviews that the student stated that they felt vulnerable and intimidated, as the rhetoric that would be used by members of the hall management team would be speculative.

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Language such as “allegation” would be used through-out the meetings, causing the student to feel that they weren’t being believed.

NEWS: ISSUE 12

Over two months after the incident was reported, a restorative justice meeting was held.

“It was quite hard to be able to continue with my education… it’s supposed to be a university where you go to learn… it made it impossible for me to learn because of how long it took."

Following the restorative justice meeting, the victim-survivor explains that the offender was given a book on “consent” and a letter of apology to the victim-survivor was written.

The student support coordinator stated there would be counselling available for the victim-survivor but this would need to be arranged by the student themselves.

No further disciplinary action was taken, both students remained within the hall for the remainder of the year.

Since undergoing this process, the victim-survivor has felt

confused, upset, and disappointed that their experience was not focused on more strongly or with the necessary empathy.

“I don’t think there was anything solved.”

In a survey from the report, 53% of participants said that they “have experienced unwanted or unwelcome behaviour listed."

Victoria University have recently revised their sexual harassment response policy which applies to the entire university community but does not have information assigned specifically for halls of residence.

University halls of residence have long been criticised for the standards of pastoral care offered to students. In addition, there have been multiple concerns regarding safety and security of students as well as their health and well-being. Earlier this year, Salient reported on a severe case of influenza, also in Te Puni Village, where a student was unable to contact Hall management for assistance. Last year, Salient reported on complaints of sexual misconduct in Uni Hall where staff members continued to work after complaints of sexual misconduct were raised.

"It was not until a month later that the offender was banned from the original floor and moved to a different area of the hall."

In regards to the situation and how it was handled, Sophie Beaumont, Criminology PhD student and sexual violence researcher emphasised that, “Universities and halls in particular have pastoral care responsibilities... specific procedures should be made for instances of sexual violence that aim to support and empower victim-survivors.”

“I feel like other students need to know their rights because I had no idea what any of my rights were or what policies were.”

In a statement, VUW responded to the student’s experience and the need for an explicit halls focused sexual violence policy by saying, ”The University takes the wellbeing and safety of all its students extremely seriously... A key difference in the new policy compared to what was in place in 2018 is that the Student Interest team are identified as the central point for students to make disclosures or complaints, and to receive support regarding sexually harmful behaviours.”

“While we are not able to comment publicly on individual alleged incidents, any student who feels their concerns have not been treated seriously should contact the student interest team.”

In a statement, Thursday’s in Black (TIB) VUW President, Maddi Rowe, responded to this particular case extending their support and sympathy to the victim-survivor while also commenting on the absence of a halls specific policy related to sexual violence.

“We urge that a comprehensive Hall of Residence sexual harm policy be worked on in urgency, in conjunction with campus groups and university staff. This is to ensure incidents of sexual harm are handled with care, respect and safe practice.”

TIB Aotearoa national coordinator, Jahla Tran-Lawrence commented saying: “Halls of Residence have a responsibility to be proactive and victim-focused in preventing and responding to sexual harm towards their students… To achieve this, we encourage VUW Halls of Residence to adopt a specific Sexual Harm Policy.”

In 2017 TIB Aotearoa conducted a report called “In our own words- Student experiences of sexual violence prior to and during tertiary education.”

VUW researcher and academic, Samantha Keene also stated to Salient that “It would be great to see a national approach, funded by government, that recognises the potential for sexual harm in tertiary residences… outlining the clear, robust pathways for reporting sexual violence, as well as ensuring effective prevention education is delivered to all residents.”

VUWSA in a response, told Salient that “Students who have experienced any kind of sexually harmful behaviour can see a trained VUWSA Advocate. They can support survivors through formal process... or just be an ear to listen to the survivor if this is what they want...

We think there needs to be recognition of the particular environments that exist within halls of residents and have that reflected in hall policy. We would also hope that a new policy could be developed with a more effective university consultation process.”

If you require support regarding sexual violence, you can contact: 24/7 Support Lines HELP: 04 801 6655 MOSAIC: 022 419 3416 Safe to Talk: 0800 044 334 VUW contacts: VUWSA Advocate, Erica Shouten: 04 463 6984 advocate@vuwsa.org.nz VUW Student Interest and Conflict Resolution: 04 4635023 student.interest@vuw.ac.nz

NEWS: ISSUE 12

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No Grade Scale Up for VUW Students, but Changes to Trimester 2 Coming ANNABEL MCCARTHY | TE WHAKATŌHEA | SHE/HER

Victoria University of Wellington has ruled out an automatic scale up of grades for Trimester 1 courses “at this stage” but has committed to scrapping all examinations for the remainder of 2020.

Both Otago and Auckland Universities will bump up their students’ final grades by one grade step for the first semester of this year in recognition of the disruption COVID-19 caused to learning and research.

This would mean if a student’s overall mark for all assessments in a course resulted in a ‘B’ grade, their final grade would be scaled up and recorded as a ‘B+’.

A spokesperson for Victoria University said any scaling up of grades for its students would only occur “if needed after a robust moderation procedure has taken place”.

“The University has taken other interventions to recognise and accommodate the barriers and stresses that the COVID-19 situation has imposed on our students.”

This included giving students the ability to ask for an extension of up to two weeks on any assessment without needing to demonstrate impairment; reweighting; modifying or getting rid of some assessments; and modifying the aegrotat process so students are not required to provide the usual medical documentation and taking a statement of impaired performance due to COVID-19 at face value.

The New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations (NZUSA) has raised concerns that an inconsistent approach across all eight universities will give some students an unfair advantage and will hinder others in the long term.

“Grade Point Averages make or break many successful applications in the graduate job market and the GPA forms an integral part of the choices that students have for beyond their current level of study, whether that might be for further postgraduate study or simply applying to enter the workforce after study,” NZUSA President Isabella Lenihan-Ikin said.

NZUSA has written to the Vice-Chancellors’ Committee asking for Universities to “act coherent and consistently” and adopt a universal system of impaired performance.

Meanwhile, Victoria University has confirmed there will be no in-person exams for the remainder of 2020 to limit face-to-face contact.

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NEWS: ISSUE 12

Exams will instead be replaced by alternative assessments across the University, except in rare cases where an accreditation body requires them.

The University told Salient measures will be in place to ensure the assessment workload is not too high for students towards the end of the Trimester.

The examination period scheduled at the end of Trimesters will also be replaced with a one-week assessment period.

Victoria University will, however, return to holding in-person lectures, seminars, tutorials, and other learning activities for most courses in Trimester 2.

Students will have the option to take most courses fully online if they are unable to return to campus or opt to continue studying remotely, and any in person activity will be matched with an online alternative.

The University said its academic staff have been asked to ensure their Trimester 2 courses are able to be fully delivered online, as “it is a government requirement that universities be able to transition to a higher alert level within 24 hours”.

"Victoria University will, however, return to holding in-person lectures, seminars, tutorials..."

Trimester 2 is set to begin one week later than previously scheduled on Monday 13 July, in an attempt to “decrease pressure on staff and students and increase [students’] wellbeing after nine weeks of teaching”.

All student services including Student Health and Counselling, Student Finance, Careers and Employment, Āwhina, and Disability Services will operate online and on campus throughout Trimester 2.

Victoria University said it is making “every effort” to support vulnerable communities during Trimester 2 and has been “working closely with Disability Services to ensure that online courses and associated assessments will be disability inclusive and accessible”.

An Unauthorised Bio Todd Muller: Another Crusty White Dude?

ETHAN GRIFFITHS | HE/HIM

The short answer: yes.

It’s crazy to think, but last week the National Party did the unimaginable—selected another conservative white dude to take them to an election they’re almost undoubtedly going to lose.

But it’s hard to suggest that Muller has the same chances of winning the election than Bridges. As shocking as it may sound when you look at the bloke, Todd Muller actually represents a shift in the style of opposition politics in NZ. So who is the man?

Born in the Bay of Plenty town of Te Aroha, his parents moved him an hour down the road to Te Puna, where he said in his first press conference he was “the only Pākehā boy in a Māori convent”.

He graduated Tauranga Boys College and moved to Waikato University, also the alma mater of Jacinda Ardern, where he studied a Masters in Politics and History.

Muller then worked in the office of Prime Minister Jim Bolger, another white, rural, catholic bloke. The two are still close, and when asked if there were any similarities between them, the answer was “the love of a single malt whiskey”.

After leaving the halls of power, Muller tried his hand at the private sector, first starting out with kiwifruit giant Zespri.

He later moved to Fonterra where he worked up until 2014, when his lifelong aspiration of politics really began to kick off.

Muller was selected to run in the safe blue seat of Bay of Plenty. He won, and entered Parliament as a first-term backbench MP maintaining relative obscurity, putting his head down and working on constituent issues for three years.

After the 2017 election, he was given a promotion to climate change spokesperson. Somehow, Muller managed to work closely with both Green co-leader James Shaw and his own party to get National to support the Zero Carbon Bill.

Muller did a tour across the country actively advocating for more action on climate change, telling rooms of hundreds of farmers that they need to take it seriously.

He was later reshuffled to the agriculture portfolio, where he had a few weird hiccups like having a crack at Te Papa for a display he thought unfairly attacked farmers, but ultimately managed to continue most of his good work.

But by April, he was growing tired of Bridges and Bennett.

He started doing the numbers, waiting patiently for a public opinion poll to solidify his support. By the time the first public poll came out, the race was all but his.

"He’s not without his pitfalls.

During his time in Parliament, he has voted against legislation such as abortion reform and euthanasia, something practically indefensible for someone with a conscience."

The first thing Muller did as National Leader was call Ardern’s handling of COVID-19 “impressive”, a stark contrast to Bridges who’s technique was to shit on everything under the sun, even taking aim at her hair dye.

He’s not without his pitfalls. During his time in Parliament, he has voted against legislation such as abortion reform and euthanasia, something practically indefensible for someone with a conscience.

His first few days in the job have been what some describe as an unmitigated disaster (see Q&A, his MAGA hat, Paul Goldsmith’s ethnicity, the fact that his entire top 12 is white), but remember: He’s not bashing beneficiaries. He’s not demanding a throw away the key justice approach. He’s not blaming ‘the Māoris’ for getting special privileges. He’s not a dog whistler. Rather, he’s someone who wants to do shit, rather than complain about it. The National Party still remains old, pale, and tired, but if they can work and achieve shit, it's better than just complaining.

NEWS: ISSUE 12

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Opinion Stop Treating Us Like Cash Cows!

ZEINA IBRAHIM | SHE/HER

Victoria University is treating international students like cash cows and we’ve had enough of it.

been replaced by a prompt effort to attain financial remedy where possible.

The reality is, international students continue to be milked for cash in any way possible, regardless of the quality of learning or experience they receive.

The lack of communication and commitment from VUW during the time of the pandemic to support and form strategies for students has been disappointing and has also caused immense pressure and strain.

It's such a shame that VUW willingly makes it publicly obvious that they endeavour to capitalize on students for profit, rather than examining whether the experience that is being offered for such a hefty price is even up to par.

This was displayed 3 weeks ago when Grant Guilford, the Vice Chancellor publicly stated that he was intending to select international students from various countries and put them in a hotel to quarantine for 14 days.

These students would then be monitored by University staff, tested for COVID-19, and also undergo further health checks before being released back to campus.

However, before bringing in more international students to study at Victoria University, it is crucial that VUW makes improvements to the current international student experience. If this doesn’t happen, more of us will soon come to realize the lack of support and tendencies to try and milk international students for more money.

It is this behaviour which is clouding the university’s reputation of seemingly having quality courses and a second to none experience for students from overseas locations.

However, the issue is not with the staff, lecturers, or tutors as it is their work and efforts throughout the lockdown especially that has helped students get through. The issue is with the University’s management overall.

VUW has lacked the necessary empathy and understanding towards students, both domestic and international.

The event of COVID-19 especially showed students the true face of Victoria University and reiterated that during the lockdown, international students were nothing but an economic safety fund.

A dedication towards providing stable and sufficient learning experiences during this lockdown has instead

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NEWS: ISSUE 12

I had to wait for three weeks just to get a vague response from the University about what they were planning to do for international students going forward since I have not been receiving the type of education that I signed up for. This is the same education that I paid for and left my home, family, and friends for.

International students pay thousands in academic fees and fly hundreds of miles to attain a quality education at the expense of being away from their families for months at a time.

For Victoria University to say that this is still available would be a lie.

International students want to receive a substantial English education, so that we too can increase our chances of finding better jobs in the globalized world we live in.

It is time for VUW to make up for the fact that they have been treating us like cash cows before it is too late, and they begin losing students and profit.

We can always see the University’s need to milk us especially when the university management keeps bringing up the ‘$30 million’ lost in revenue.

The V-ISA club has established a petition so that international students can attain a refunded sum of 30% for their tuition fees for this trimester. This is because we are not getting the service we paid for.

The petition is called “Call for International Students' Fee Refunds” and you can find it on https://our.actionstation.org. nz/ or the V-ISA facebook page.

‘Te Herenga Waka - Victoria University of Wellington’, redeem yourself to international students.

Probing the Punters 1. What is 1 word to describe your time with Salient last year?

4. What is one thing you think is most important in any relationship?

2. What is one quality you think you offer to any sort of relationship?

5. Who is someone famous that you wish you were friends with?

3. Name a place you go to in order to reconnect with yourself?

YOON HONG —2019 CONTRIBUTOR

RACHEL SALAZAR —2019 DESIGNER

1.

1.

Whānau

Therapeutic

2. Love

2. Empathy

3. My bed

3. Your local nature trail

4. Honesty;

4. Compassion

5. Living: Earl Sweatshirt.

Dead: Frank Sinatra.

5. Lady O! (Oprah Winfrey)

JOHNNY O’HAGAN BREBNER —2019 NEWS EDITOR

MONIQUE THORP —2019 TV PRODUCER

1.

1.

Hectic

Salient

2. Shit jokes

2. Freakishly good memory

3. Bed (with electric blanket on max)

3. The high a cup of tea gives me

4. Honesty

4. Boundaries

5. Ben Affleck (same smoking darts energy)

5. Jeff Goldblum

JANNE SONG ­—THE 2019 SUB-EDITOR

CALLUM TURNBULL —2019 SOCIAL MEDIA

1.

1.

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Priceless

2. Genuine enthusiasm

2. Partnership

3. More of a time than a place: 3am

3. Customs Coffee

4. The ability to pick up exactly where you left off

4. Communication 5. Frank

5. Jackson Wang

NEWS: ISSUE 12

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Still Moths on the Window Sill WORDS BY TE AOREWA ROLLESTON | NGĀI TE RANGI, NGĀTI RANGINUI | SHE/HER

CW: Death and Suicide

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You probably have your own thoughts about death and what it entails. Whether you’re afraid of the approaching event or relaxed about it, the reality of dying is still a difficult thought to accept. At some point, the final step doesn’t end up being up to us and we all just have to let go.

Death is something that we all experience as a parallel to our opportunity to live—the two go hand in hand. Our fear of death is not necessarily motivated by our lives ending but by how death happens, and our experiences of loss.

The Psychologist “We all experience loss, whether it’s someone that we love or care about dying, or whether it’s other kinds of loss.”

Giselle Bahr is a Clinical Psychologist who has always wanted to help people. A part of the work she carries out involves guiding people through the motions of grief and loss that come from death and losing people.

Speaking to someone who understands how people think about death and acknowledge grief offers a great deal of clarity going forward. It is normal for people to experience pain after a loss and to deal with it in a spectrum of ways.

But rather than shut down these feelings, Giselle guides her patients through healing responses to traumatic experiences.

"there is no ‘one size fits all’ approach to grief" Giselle says that people suppress grief as a coping mechanism, so that we can continue our daily lives without stumbles or pauses. But over time this becomes impossible and we have to release all those things that have been stored away.

“If you don’t feel anything when they die, there’s no marker there to acknowledge that they were important.”

For many people, having a spiritual connection with death can offer some sort of awareness and enlightenment that may assist in navigating loss. If there is a shared understanding between people it can be really significant for overcoming pain. However, Giselle emphasised that this isn't always the case. Sometimes the processes of

grief belonging to a spiritual or religious knowledge can be inaccessible. This may be because of ethnicity, language or gender; there is no ‘one size fits all’ approach to grief.

“There’s not a wrong way or a right way and that’s one of the difficult things when someone dies, people have different needs, there’s tension in there about how we do this together.”

“Ideally we learn to incorporate death into life from babyhood, we include children in death so that they can develop acceptance that this is part of the deal, this is what happens for all of us.”

When I was really young, a woman from our whānau died from a brain tumour, her name was Tangiwai. A six year old who had never been to a funeral before sat curled over amidst a crowd of women wearing black veils, tears flowing down, the hūpē resting on their lips. A swarm of groans and wails rang out and wrestled with one another. I grabbed my ears tightly and quenched my eyes trying to block the noise out and escape. That was the most afraid I had ever been of death. This was just the beginning of my relationship with death.

The Funeral Director “You wear different hats for different occasions… for this job, without treating it as a clinical situation, you can do this job with different hats on for different roles to be able to handle the process with alot of dignity and sensitivity.”

Wade Hall has learnt to work alongside death in his role as an embalmer and funeral director. His job has nourished his ability to guide people through loss and grief as they seek to form the final parts of someone's life—their burial.

Becoming comfortable with the changes that occur after we die is a part of a funeral director's role. On any given day, Wade deals with what those of us less accustomed with death may be seeking to understand.

The physical changes to a person after death can be the most confronting part for families. These images can stay with you long after the pain of their passing has subsided.

FEATURE: STILL MOTHS ON THE WINDOW SILL

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It may be the flush tone of skin, the fixed body position, the bloated complexion or the bite of cold that rushes into your system when you anxiously touch them. Overall, the changes death makes to a person’s body tends to make us feel immensely disconnected from the person they were.

Much like worn clothing that we’ve outgrown, when a person dies, we feel the need to dispose of what’s leftover. This is human nature. This is a process of healing.

But, like all the things we have to let go of, there has to be a restorative aspect to the send off. A proper goodbye for the person who has passed is essential to the wellbeing of those left behind.

Wade is motivated by a passion to connect people with their loved ones, even after death. He wants to make this process as healing as possible. Carrying out this service of connection carries immense dignity. Because of this, death is not something Wade approaches with fear. Instead it is an opportunity to use his skills to support others through the most difficult times of their lives.

A highschool friend of mine died in a car accident earlier this year. Since then, I’ve searched for any signs that she was ready to leave. But in the end I don’t think we are ever ready, but we can certainly learn to live with the thought.

The day I saw that friend of mine lying in the wharenui, she looked almost calm and radiant. Whatever she had gone through on the night of the car crash, it was absent from her face. She just looked just like everybody I had seen—still.

In some peculiar way, I felt almost instantly that she was no longer there in front of me. The closed eyes, shut lips, and flatline chest just reminded me that the spirit of her had left days before. Strangely, I almost wanted to thank that figure in front of me for being here even if she wasn’t. I was admiring the vessel that had carried her conscious and we were all there purely to reminisce.

People deal with death in innumerable ways. Wade sees this variety every day which aids his understanding and

awareness of what death means to people.

“Learning about all those different ways that people do things, really does shape who you are and I think it makes you a better person”.

But beyond this, the funeral director steps into the lives of others and helps them complete their story. A funeral director for many people extends as much influence into our lives as those who are there and present from the beginning.

“It makes all the difficult things go away… it’s the positive feedback that you receive, letting you know, you’ve helped somebody which makes it all worthwhile.”

What is left behind Julie—The Unwinding Of The Miracle is a podcast. Julie talks about her terminal cancer diagnosis and the resolution that she is not afraid of what’s to come. In fact, in every capacity she seems content and perhaps even ready. Now, two years on from her death, I was hearing the voice of someone who simply wanted to leave something behind.

The thought of death plagues our consciousness every day.

A healthy fear of pain and death keeps us alive. Usually it’s a passive thought: it’s just science. It’s why we look both ways before we cross the street, why we wrap up in the winter, why our bodies will tell us to sleep whether we want to or not.

Other times, it’s an active thought. Those are the times we tend to suppress our responses to death. Those thoughts don’t keep us alive, so why would we let them sit? As human beings, and as stoic New Zealanders especially, we just want to push it further to the back so that we can continue to live each day without the depth of worry or panic.

You may have dwelled on the reality that after all these years that you’ve lived out, there is only a certain amount left in front of you. There may have been spontaneous bouts where you’ve thought about how and when you will die. You may have wondered whether you will receive a decent tangi or burial—will we be someone people want to remember?

"Our relationship with death is shaped by too many things to pick just one aspect of human life. It’s a cultural thing; a life experience thing; an upbringing thing; a social thing; a physical as well as a spiritual thing."

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WORDS BY TE AOREWA ROLLESTON

Our relationship with death is shaped by too many things to pick just one aspect of human life. It’s a cultural thing; a life experience thing; an upbringing thing; a social thing; a physical as well as a spiritual thing. One resounding factor about our different relationships with death is the disconnection between our existence when we are alive and what is left over when we die.

"A species that lives for control and authority doesn’t get to decide whether they stay or leave."

In many cases it is the way we die rather than when we die that plagues us all. The thought of unfamiliarity, pain and surrendering haunts us because death is one milestone of life that ironically is out of our control. A species that lives for control and authority doesn’t get to decide whether they stay or leave.

It was one weekend five years ago that a friend died from suicide at our high school.

I remember sitting in the chapel of our school later that evening, staring up at the bronze sculpture of Jesus up on the cross. It was an out-of-body thing—let’s just say that. But I just looked up blankly at the figure and the room felt eerie yet calm. It was as if Hinepūkohurangi, the goddess of the mist, had floated in, searching for something, just to retrieve it before Hine-nui-te-pō came in.

Since then, her death has seeped through my mind more often than expected, almost as if the experience of that time had binded itself to me. No matter how old I get I don’t think I will ever lose the memory of that time.

It is these instances of death that become the enigma we spend years trying to decode. The awareness that someone we once knew felt the need to be near death, can be a hard thought to swallow. We start to rummage through the thoughts considering whether that person was afraid at the time or were they seeking something that life just couldn’t give them yet. Was it easy for them to let go? Perhaps it is thoughts like these that end up making us more afraid of death because there just aren't any answers.

Maybe you’re not afraid of death and the thought of dying —but why are you not afraid? Perhaps you have just come to befriend the realisation that after a life compelled by choice, motivation, and gratification, the very last step of this long road for us as all is simply in someone else's hands.

It is usually when a casket is being carried across the marae ātea, that I feel the depth of loss. I usually cry at this point because I know the person is leaving for good. But the grief isn’t purely made up of sadness, instead it is combined with a depth of acceptance and relief, like a gasp of breath.

I can picture the person I once knew walking away and then it all just makes sense.

If you, or someone you know are struggling, know that there free services for support available: •

Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 / 0508 TAUTOKO (24/7)

•

Lifeline: 0800 543 354 or text HELP to 4357

FEATURE: STILL MOTHS ON THE WINDOW SILL

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The Playa Haters’ Ball WORDS BY GUS

Dave Chappelle is to comedy, what Jesus is to Christianity —a prophet sent from above to perform miracles for the people. Admittedly, Chappelle and Jesus don’t have much in common, apart from a badass comeback. Despite that, Chappelle really was like a black Jesus to me and Chappelle’s Show was my bible.

“The Playa Haters’ Ball” was the skit that always captured my imagination. It was only with the gifts of maturity and age that I realised the skit was wrapped in irony. It was the first time I’d ever seen a ‘playa’ portrayed as unappealing. Till then, we/I glorified this eye-catching, multiple relationship having ‘playa’.

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Those of you who are inclined to listen to Wilkinson while swinging your jaw might call this ideal man a ‘skux’, ‘slick guy’ or possibly just a ‘fuckboy’. I still call this guy a ‘Playa’.

Whatever you call this archaic idea of a ‘real’ man, I think it’s time we retire him for good.

Growing up I was infatuated with the idea of being a ‘playa’, and it wasn’t hard to see where my infatuation stemmed from. It was prominent in music and still is to this day. Sure Tupac had “Dear Mama”, but he also had “I Get Around”.

It’s convenient to blame the arts but it was societal expectations that shaped my ideas of what made a successful man. How many times have you heard “He’ll be a heart-breaker when he’s older,” or participated in undeniably misogynistic locker room chats?

There’s a duality that exists with the way our generation uses swear words. Depending on who says it or how it’s expressed, they can be terms of endearment or an invitation to throw hands. It was a duality I didn’t know existed with the word ‘playa’, until the word was hurled at me with hurt and disappointment.

It was real life wrongs that fueled the change in the way I saw the ‘playa’. In my naive youth, I’d been guided by misinformed ideas of what a man should be. My intentions were good, but in this instance, I had acted in a way that had hurt someone else. It was only with time and reflection that I realised my actions were guided by a selfish desire to conform to an unhealthy standard.

Often we judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions—that was the trap I had fallen into.

But where does the societal pressure come from? As a heterosexual man, I can only speak to a few of these pressures, so I enlisted the help of some friends. According to my friend E, it stems from the ideas we hold about men and how sexually active they should be. E felt the pressure at its strongest coming into his first year at Vic. “I guess coming into Vic, where no one knows who you are, I felt like I needed to have some characteristics of a player to get ahead with women.”

Fear of being persecuted for inexperience is real. E was very honest about his fears of being inferior because of lack of experience, “I’m scared to say that I’m still a virgin around women cause that’s not exactly desirable.”

"Often we judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions" Don’t get me wrong, I'm not coming for people with extensive sexual pasts; what you do with someone who is willing is your consenting, adult business. I’m simply coming for the idea that it is socially acceptable and ‘cool’ to be emotionally manipulative for your selfish sexual needs and need of an ego boost. By now there is probably a choir of incels crying out “But girls can be playas too” and you know what Derrick, (or whatever your 4chan username is), you are fucking right.

Being emotionally unavailable or leading someone on isn’t exclusive to any sex. As Makkabee graciously pointed out to me, women can also “not be ready to commit” and they “play the game too”. Contemporary music doesn’t shy away from expressing this sentiment. As the philosopher Meghan thee Stallion puts it, there are lots of ladies who have boys, “thinking he a player” but really “he a member on the team”.

However, retribution for acting that way is rarely equal. There is nothing wrong with casual sexual relationships, it gets messy when the truth is dismissed for the sake of foregoing the awkward conversations that are necessary.

As I stressed before, we often judge ourselves by our intentions and judge others by their actions. If we want positive relationships there are two important words that must be considered—informed consent.

This means more than just getting willing consent to do the deed. It means having enough respect for your partner to give them all the information they should be entitled to about your intentions.

May puts it quite bluntly when it comes to relationships that you want to be purely sexual, “make it obvious that the only thing you want is attention and sex.” That sentiment, although very blunt, has lots of truth behind it. If you can respect someone enough to be intimate with them you should respect them enough to give them the information they need to make informed decisions about their future with you.

I don’t mean forcing awkward, “What are we?” conversations; I simply mean having the decency to not stoke the feelings they have for you if you can’t or don’t want to reciprocate them. Even if that means it has to come to an end, it’s better to be given hard truths a week in, than to have your reality shattered after a year.

The word ‘playa’ is not just a redundant relic from the 90’s, the concept and the archaic double standard behind it are also redundant. If I have one thing in common with Big Pun, it’s that “I don’t wanna be a player no more”, and I don't think any man should want to be. Shit, in honour of Dave Chapelle I might just start my own playa haters club. Hopefully, they don’t tuck me around the corner of the hub, like they did to the Māori and Pasifika groups at club day this year.

It’s time to recognise that to want to be a player is to conform to ideas about who we should be and how our relationship with women should go. And change starts with a simple seven-letter word that is seldom practised anymore. Please, in the memory of Aretha say it with me, R-E-S-P-E-C-T. See, that wasn’t that bad, don’t you feel better already?

FEATURE: THE PLAYA HATERS' BALL

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The Mysterious Lives of Dads WORDS BY TBF

Everyone ‘cheats’ right? I've done it, you've probably done it.

I used to write down equations on my hand to pass my tests in primary school. On more than one occasion, I’ve googled an answer on a pub quiz, not paid my parking ticket, and kissed someone I shouldn’t have. We aren’t meant to cheat, but everyone just does.

Having a dad who cheated has given me a lifelong fear that I’m going to do the same thing to my family one day, some kind of hereditary impulse that I can't shake off. I mean, I take after my parents in a lot of ways. My mum always prefaces dinner time saying “sorry guys, I know dinner is disgusting” when we all knew it was just her overcompensating.

It’s not just the cheating I fear. It’s the guilt I saw in him as a child when he would bring home thousands of dollars worth of toys before jetting off to see his chatelaine. I see it to this day. The guilt must be the worst part, knowingly choosing a different life to the one you initially had.

My mum had her suspicions—my dad's occasional turn of the phone, the random departure of the room. But it all came to light 2 years into us living in America.

It was the fourth of July and we were hosting a BBQ at our apartment in Miami. I was about 5 and in the absolute peak of my The Sims 2 obsession. All I knew about adultery was that when my Sim kissed another Sim, their significant other wasn't too thrilled.

My dad had his arm around my mum watching the fireworks when his brick Nokia popped up with a text saying “I wish you were here baby”.

He insisted that it was a waitress at a club that had a thing for him. It was nothing.

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My mum, the iconic bad bitch that she is, didn't buy this alibi.

She drove two hours out of Miami to a town called Boca Raton to buy some bugging devices. She chose the 7Up can and placed it under their bed.

After days of no action, only mumbles and grunts, my dad called the bank to change all of the passwords. If anyone has seen any movie where there is an affair, I think we all know what this might imply. Mum could hear word for word “Yes… no, yes I need the passwords changed today. Why? You can’t fucking ask me that. Just change the passwords right now.”

Asking your husband if he’s having an affair can be a daunting experience—she needed more evidence. Mum decided to hire a hacker on the questionable website, Craigslist, to find out dad's email password for the mighty price of $300USD. Mr.AnonGuy replied, subject blank: “Pigs123” Mum claims she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, she was either being absolutely rickrolled or her husband actually made his email password Pigs123.

Thousands of email exchanges between my father and his lady friend appeared.

At the time, I didn't understand the screaming. In hindsight, the whole thing played out like a B-grade film. It’s a classic —the unreliable dad who kisses the kids on the forehead before heading into the sunset in his Toyota hatchback

because he “just can't take it anymore”. In this version, the dad heads upstate to start a business and make something of himself, to make his wee girls proud. In my version, however, the dad starts a new life, with new friends, new pets, and you guessed it, a new wife.

This wasn’t quite the end for Mum and Dad though. No, the end was much more cinematic.

Eventually, we all moved back to Auckland, my parents’ relationship hanging by a thread. My dad would make monthly trips to the States ‘for work’. Which was fine because it meant I was finally able to swear freely and walk around butt naked.

As mum recalls, we were “successfully trapped back in NZ whilst he was able to exist freely in NYC”.

My mum went with him once which, in hindsight, was a mistake. “I received an email from him one morning, I was in shock. It went like ‘come to NYC for a romantic getaway tomorrow…’ I couldn’t believe my eyes. I got everything in order with childcare that day. It was a short trip of 4 nights, I didn’t care that it was short and sweet. My husband wanted me again.”

“I had tried so hard to win him back that I had let my dignity and self-worth slip away into oblivion… I wasn’t going to let it ruin the one day he decided to spend time with me.”

My mum retells this story like she had just heard a bomb go off and her ears were ringing a high frequency and that the world was about to close in… or swallow her hole.

Shortly after arriving, a stranger to mum, but a seemingly great friend of my dad’s, says “Hey man! The dinner party y'all hosted the other night was so fun…” He goes on to ask how my dad’s girlfriend is… and how their dog was… and how my dad found it meeting his girlfriend’s mum.

“His hand suddenly loosened and his body went rigid. I knew it was over in that moment.”

I found out he was married to another woman when I was about 10. It was the day I made myself a Facebook profile, probably for less sinister things like Farmville and sending my cousins weird selfies in the sepia effect. I’d gone behind my mum’s back too. I typed in her name key by key, making sure no one was around to witness. After all my dad had done, I still felt like the criminal.

The complex structures of trust and dignity being squashed through intricate methods of lying is a real surefire way to devastate a relationship.

We all cheat. It’s not just dads, and it’s not just adultery. The grey area is a spectrum. One thing is certain though—it rarely ends with the two wee girls reconciling with their father and the distraught mother forgiving all.

When I cheated, it was really bad. I was young but I do regret it a lot. To physically fuck someone else is a bit… rough. I cheated on my high school boyfriend with someone I had convinced myself I was super into. I’m telling you now, the guilt wasn’t worth it.

Human beings use cheating to exert power, or out of fear.

Usually both. Knowing I've cheated before scares me because I've seen the damage first hand.

The thing is, cheating isn’t so scandalous. ‘Cheating’ is a loaded word, and I don’t think you have to smang it out to cheat. It was the emotional side of it too—the commitment he had to another life, that he didn’t have for me and my family.

It’s a cliche, but honesty really is key. If you know what you want in the long run, it’s a lot easier to let go than string someone else along for your own comfort. My mum doesn’t consider herself a victim, but she would’ve preferred if she had just been told. Maybe this would’ve helped my dad’s guilt too. But hey, everyone cheats, right?

Let every eye negotiate for itself And trust no agent, for beauty is a witch Against whose charms faith melteth into blood.

(Much Ado About Nothing, 2.1.149-151)

FEATURE: THE MYSTERIOUS LIVES OF DADS

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The Joys of Subtle Curry Dating WORDS BY JANHAVI GOSAVI | SHE/HER

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To date an Indian boy, or to not date an Indian boy?

That is the question.

This dilemma had plagued Tanya and I for all our lives. We were both born in India but brought up in New Zealand, and the cultural blend was difficult to navigate. After finishing our first year at university, we reunited at a puja over the summer, only to discover we had also successfully remained single for this entire time.

Tanya grabbed us a plate of food, and we sat cross-legged on the floor, out of earshot of prying aunties. Lamenting over the fact that Wellington contains very few God-tier Indian men was a hobby of ours. I was listing how many Indian boys I knew who thought liking Drake was a personality trait, when Tanya interrupted me.

“You could always widen your horizons by going on Subtle Curry Dating.”

I choked on my paneer. “Subtle...Curry...what?” She handed me her phone, and my mind was blown.

Subtle. Curry. Dating. Or SCD for short. A global facebook group, boasting nearly 200,000 members, where young South Asians are auctioned off for prospective dating.

Most people get their mates to ‘auction’ them off by posting their bio data, a pro/con list about the person, and a collection of insta-worthy pictures. Pros may include: is able to roll round rotis, can speak multiple languages, and has a good halal:haram ratio. Cons may include: is whitewashed, doesn’t watch many Bollywood films, and can’t handle spicy food.

Needless to say, my curiosity was piqued. So, I reached out to the admins of the group, who said they “want SCD to be a place where all desis (and non-desis, but mostly desis) can connect on a personal level and find a significant other in a supportive community”.

Subtlety; it's the name of the game. In our own bubbles, us curries will be loud and proud about who we are and where we come from. But that level of pride gets you ‘othered’ in the real world. Our appearance is already an automatic identifier that we’re different. Anything we say on top of that to reference our culture is deemed as pushing it. My Tinder bio won’t tell you I can make a mean biryani, nor will I wear a bindi to a first date.

The vernacular spoken in this space is unique to our culture.

On SCD, we call each other ‘curry’. It's funny as fuck, and less wordy than saying “person belonging to the South Asian diaspora”. ‘Desi’ is another umbrella term we use; referring to anyone from the Indian sub-continent.

The admins explained that SCD is special because mainstream dating apps are too generic. “The shared experiences desis have translate themselves into SCD’s posts, as well as the surrounding comments, creating a sense of community,” they said. On SCD, our culture morphs from being a facet of our identity we lock away, to becoming a commonality that attracts others to us.

The page gives desis the agency to (jokingly) arrange our own marriages, instead of leaving it up to nosy family members.

Governed by admins who enforce guidelines and approve posts before they appear on the page, SCD is a safe space where curry kids can find curry love.

The admins commented that “a large appeal of SCD is that there are so many attractive and high quality desi people that everyone has access to”. And boy were they right.

Scrolling through the posts, I quickly realised this page was heaven dipped in melanin and coated in garam masala.

Every second person on here seems to be an Ivy League university student, an up-and-coming entrepreneur, or a social media influencer. With beauty and brains galore, the curries being auctioned off ticked every possible flavour combination.

"SCD is a safe space where curry kids can find curry love."

Before I found this page, dating another Indian just didn’t seem feasible to me.

Theoretically, I would love to date an Indian man. However, my own experience is that the desi boys I’ve encountered lack emotional intelligence, are dry conversationalists, dress head to toe in Nike, and have identical fades. They get treated like kings by their mothers, and expect the same from me (who hurt you, Janhavi?).

FEATURE: THE JOYS OF SUBTLE CURRY DATING

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Furthermore, Indian men seeking me out because I fit their racial requirements makes me feel icky. I’ve been in a multitude of social situations where a desi man has approached me purely because I was the only Indian woman in the room. While I understand the logic, it seems foolish to assume this is anything other than surface level attraction.

Once, a curry boy who fancied me told me to swear less.

“That's not what I like in a nice Indian girl,” he said. Thinking about it always makes me grit my teeth.

It became abundantly clear my personality had little to do with his attraction towards me. He didn't know me, nor did he want to get to know me. He saw what he wanted to see—a ‘nice’ girl he could bring home to his family and not get grounded for. Experiences like these have led me to believe attraction based off of race creates inorganic relationships.

"Fact of the matter is, I’ve been colonised so effectively that my ideal s/o is also a white person. Yuck."

However, SCD has assured me there are curry men out there who I can relate to. Ones with pretentious-sounding BA degrees, who like to dissect tv shows, perform on stage, and engage in social justice.

You might not want to hear this, but when white people close their eyes and imagine their ideal s/o, it tends to be another white person.

Being raised in a colonial country where eurocentric beauty ideals reign supreme, ethnic minorities can have mixed feelings when it comes to dating. I spoke to Sophia Edwards, who did her PhD on Asian panethnicity and identity in Aotearoa, to gain an anthropological understanding on the topic of Asian dating. With profile-picture led dating apps rising in popularity, Sophia says that “non-white people are marked as different.” In her research, she found some of her participants had even come across racist bios like “No Rice, No Spice” and “No Asians, No Indians”.

I know that when the blue-eyed boy standing next to the beer pong table closes his eyes, he doesn’t picture me. That knowledge alone is enough to stop anyone in their tracks.

I like to think it keeps me humble. Mostly, though, it keeps me sad.

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come to describe this as internalised racism”. This internal conflict could result in an attraction towards the ‘superior’ European race, as well as a deep desire to conform to eurocentric beauty ideals.

“SCD’s most popular posts rarely go against eurocentric beauty standards when applied to desi aesthetics,” admit their admins. It’s not impossible to conform to western ideals of beauty when you’re desi—it’s just expensive, mentally exhausting, and involves a lot of shaving.

Colourism feeds into eurocentric beauty and is deep-rooted within the desi community. Skin whitening products, like the popular cream ‘Fair and Lovely’, unfortunately remain a staple in many households.

It puts a smile on my dial when I see the person being auctioned off isn't strategically using lighting and editing to make themselves look lighter skinned in their pictures.

When the pressure of appealing to a white society is removed, we’re free to be our authentic brown selves. I could unapologetically post pictures of me decked out in my lehenga at Navratri, without needing to add a caption explaining what I’m wearing and why.

I go on Subtle Curry Dating when I’m down and need beautiful brown faces to cheer me up. So it makes my heart twinge everytime I see a non-desi person being auctioned off, especially if they’re white. I feel uneasy because I fear that non-curries will grow to dominate SCD the same way they’ve dominated mainstream dating apps.

I asked the SCD admins if they felt letting non-desis post was in any way violating the purpose of the page. They clarified that because SCD was an open and inclusive community, any non-desis interested in desi people were welcome to have their friends auction them off on the page. But the admins also assured me that “while we've seen a few nondesi posts get popular, group members still strongly prefer looking for a serious partner within their race.”

"When the pressure of appealing to a white society is removed, we’re free to be our authentic brown selves."

Fact of the matter is, I’ve been colonised so effectively that my ideal s/o is also a white person. Yuck.

Sophia emphasised how cultural endogamy, the practice of marrying within an ethnic group, was important to South Asians. “It could make daily living more seamless; you are less likely to need to explain or justify your cultural practices,” she said.

Sophia’s research found that some Asians actively avoid dating within their ethnicity because they subconsciously feel a sense of racial inferiority. She said that those who sought to distance themselves from their race “have since

The South Asian community clings onto the concept of “settling down”, a.k.a. securing a stable job, getting married, and having children. To settle down with a non-curry poses many challenges. I’m sick of brushing religious and cultural

WORDS BY JANHAVI GOSAVI

events under a rug, telling my mates “I can’t come this time, I have ‘an Indian thing’ on.”

white-people food on the car ride home from dinner at our friends’ house.

Upholding familial expectations can play a large role in choosing a partner. In desi culture, a relationship isn’t just a bond between individuals, it's a bond between families. It’s important to me that my parents and my partner respect and connect with one another. Sharing a culture may not bridge all the gaps between them, but it's a promising start. But, because of SCD, it finally feels possible to find someone who ticks our boxes, as well as our parents’.

Maybe I’ve secretly always craved holding hands with someone whose knuckles are hairier than mine. Someone who instinctively takes his shoes off at the door and doesn’t say shit like ‘naan bread’ and ‘chai tea’. Maybe I just want brown boys to read this sad saga and slide into my DMs.

I want to raise kids who speak my mother tongue as fluently as I do. I want to have a duet partner for when I randomly burst into Bollywood songs. I want to talk shit about bland

Who knows.

One thing’s for sure.

It's a brave new dating world out there. And this little curry is just getting started.

FEATURE: THE JOYS OF SUBTLE CURRY DATING

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Liquid Knowledge CAITLIN HICKS | NGĀTI RANGINUI | SHE/HER

WHO THE F IS CAROLINE CALLOWAY? CW: Suicide This week I wanted to write about female friendships that have fallen apart. The first-year friendships that didn't survive flatting and the friend you filled 12 rolls of Europe film with who no longer follows you on Instagram.

No friendship has combusted quite so spectacularly than that between Caroline Calloway and Natalie Beach. If you are Extremely Online™ you might already be one of her 700,000+ Instagram followers. For the uninitiated, she's a Cambridge-educated, internet darling whose current brand is being professionally chaotic. Such a pithy explanation can do her no justice, she's like the Joe Exotic of the internet, except with orchids, not tigers.

In the wake of the article's publication, Calloway made a series of increasingly-hysterical Instagram posts. That same week, her father died, and she continued to post at a dizzying rate.

Calloway rose to internet notoriety in 2018, after a Twitter thread about her failed "creativity workshops" went viral. She claims to have 'invented' long stylised Instagram captions, loves fairy emojis, turquoise, and caviar, and is dating one of her Twitter reply guys while she isolates in Sarasota, Florida.

When her response I Am Caroline Calloway was published shorter than advertised, she tweeted a nude as an apology, which remains her pinned tweet. Punters paid $10 for the privilege of reading her essay, and Calloway has donated all profits, $50,000 so far, to Coronavirus relief.

I'm fascinated by the exuberant madness of Calloway. She routinely acknowledges her flaws. She’s both ethereal and constantly teetering on the verge of insanity. Entire "snark" subreddits exist to harass and abuse her, but every morning she wakes up and gets back on the internet. Her content is unrelenting, and I am utterly obsessed.

Calloway has discussed her father’s suicide on her Instagram and in her Natalie response with disarming candidness.

This intimate style is characteristic of all of her writing. She discusses her addiction and her own mental health issues in depth. She writes: “‘I was internationally depressed,’ which is different from travelling. Travelling is when you show up in a city to see the sights. Being internationally depressed is when you're like, maybe Scotland will solve my problems.

And Scotland does not." (Relatable, lol) I have well and truly consumed that Calloway Kool Aid. For all of her foibles, she's brave, affecting, terrifying, and… aspirational. With a captive online audience, Calloway is making art.

In 2019, Natalie Beach released a scathing 6,000-word tell-all to The Cut, chronicling the failed friendship and painting Calloway as an erratic, unkind and callous individual who used Beach's writing prowess to leverage herself a following and scam her way into a book deal. Beach is merely a meek, hopelessly loyal 'ghostwriter'. They meet at an NYU creative writing class, and their story ends when Calloway—floundering in the midst of a pill addiction—fails to complete her manuscript, leaving her $100,000 in debt to her publisher.

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The saga is equal parts uncomfortable and relatable, a commentary on the toxic early-20s friendships we'd rather forget. Its near-universal appeal is surprising given a literary setting which traverses Manhattan, the Italian countryside, and punting on the River Cam. It's steeped in white privilege —Calloway once discusses her family's wealth with reference to the price of gold—but it's also a story of two hopelessly flawed humans. Young women across the internet turned inward, attempting to diagnose themselves as either a ‘Natalie’ or a ‘Caroline’.

ISSUE 12: COLUMNS

If you, or someone you know are struggling, know that there free services for support available: •

Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865

•

Lifeline: 0800 543 354 or text HELP to 4357

Going Nowhere VIC BELL | KĀI TAHU | SHE/HER

Is there a more bone-chilling sentence in the English vernacular than ‘what are we’? When writing this column, I do my absolute best not to tell on myself, but I admit I swing wildly between commitment phobia, and never washing a pillowcase that they slept on once. Frankie is Salient’s expert on all things sex and love, so she would be the right person to ask how to approach this conversation. I can only tell you where to do it.

Aisle 4, New World The two of you probably go to the supermarket together as it just makes more sense to save the petrol and they’re giving you a lift home anyway. A one night stand has stretched into seven weeks and you’re looking for a sign. Aisle 4 is an excellent litmus test for the state of your situationship.

Stand in front of the nuts and see where your hand leads you. Will you go straight for your favourite almonds? Will you be a considerate lover and add a small packet of pistachios to your cart? Or will your hand linger over the family size pistachios, ready to commit to 6 servings? Just remember you have the drive home to suffer through if this goes badly.

The end of your bed Sleeping with someone who is taken is a fool’s errand.

If you’re an Aries you’ve probably doubled down and chosen your boss or a lecturer. You should know well enough to not ask too many questions, and make “I’m Not In Love” by 10cc your unofficial mantra. Accept that they will put their shoes on at 1am like clockwork. But the first time you wake up in the morning and they’re still in your bed you won’t be able to help yourself. Spoiler alert: he will not leave his wife.

Ivy bar You’ve been warned. “Watch out for pride eyes,” they said. “Don’t adopt a cat together after three dates,” they said. Will you listen? Absolutely not. At Ivy, your friends will helpfully abandon you when you run into the person you’re kind of seeing. The two of you have been on a grand total of three Bumble dates but as far as you’re concerned that’s six months in human years. A successful outcome here is probably 50/50. No serious conversation should take place at 80 decibels when you’re six cranberry vodkas deep and sweating glitter.

Updating your Facebook relationship status It’s not 2010 sweetie.

The National Dog Show This is for that really special person. Having a meet-cute in the time of Tinder will give this relationship a sense of legitimacy. This one was probably a slow burn—you saw each other at a series of parties but he was always talking to another girl, or you went through their supermarket checkout every week, or you picked up the wrong water bottle in the uni gym. You’re quietly confident the feelings are mutual. Surely they wouldn’t drive all the way to Porirua and cover the $10 price of admission if they didn’t care about you? They’ll be kneeling down to play with a labrador puppy and they’ll say I’ve always wanted a labrador and you’ll say me too and they’ll look up at you and smile.

This one is gonna hurt like a bitch.

A retail store When it comes to transitioning into a relationship, straight men seem to favour referring to a woman as ‘my girlfriend’ when she is in earshot, instead of actually having the conversation. Weird move telling the cashier at the candle store how you feel about me before you tell me but okay.

ISSUE 12: COLUMNS

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Bachelor of Parenting

PSC: One Ocean

ROSIE AND MIIA VAN BEUSEKOM | SHE/HER

VIKI MOANANU | HE/HIM

FAMILY SMOOTHIE

THE ART OF GIVING UP HOPE

Dating with a kid watching is just one thing on a long list of things that I never thought I would ever do. That, and shaving my head, having car sex on the main road to Makara Beach, and being single ever again.

In Pasifika communities, or at least the ones I’m in, it’s pretty normal to have a ride or die friendship. You ride with your friends until the end, no exceptions. And for significant relationships, I think this mentality is pretty normal. My problem with this mentality is it is becoming a justification for being in an unhealthy relationship.

With a toddler in tow there is no 'easing in' to a new relationship. There's no taking it slow, there's no testing the waters, and there's no room for non-committal bullshit.

You talk for a little bit, then you gotta make a snap decision about whether you can see yourself with this person for the long-haul.

Dating as a parent means you’re no longer dating just for yourself—you’re also dating for your kid. Whoever your new partner is, they need to be compatible not just with you, but also your kid. You can’t just hop around from one partner to another. You need someone you can trust, and rely on when the going gets tough.

You also aren’t just setting standards for yourself. The standards you set when dating with a kid, are the standards your kid will take into their own relationships. You have to set an example of looking for someone who is the best possible partner for yourself, rather than settling for second best.

However, as difficult, hurtful, and generally un-sexy as dating as a parent is, it is also a masterclass in self-love.

Instead of being willing to overlook potential red flags and spend precious time and energy with people who may not be your best fit, you find yourself no longer engaging with a potential partner unless you're really sure that they would enrich your life.

Dating with your kid forces you to reevaluate your priorities in a relationship; to slow down and consider if people are actually right for you; to demand the best from your relationships—and that’s a good thing. You should set high standards for your romantic partners, you should expect them to treat you with the love, care, and respect that you want your child to be treated with. That should be non-negotiable.

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One friend I had known for years was uber racist and homophobic. For so many years, I had let it slide because of the unwritten rule. You can’t turn your back on your friend.

We had intense arguments. I remember one time he told me “brown people get offended over everything. You guys got Moana, calm down”.

The straw that broke the camel's back, however, was when I saw him on Twitter pretending he was black and using the n-word against real black people. I had to leave. And yet, I felt like I was in the wrong. Sure this friendship is probably an extreme one. I’m sure some of you would’ve dropped out when he said the Moana comment. But it was that unwritten rule book that brainwashed me. And I truly believe it’s a book that Pacific Islanders have been conditioned to read as gospel. “Sure what he did is bad, but I’m not going to be a snitch” or “it’s his life, not mine”. Or, my personal favourite, “he would do the same for me”. These excuses we make probably have something to do with colonisation, and how People of Color needed to stick together and protect each other’s secrets to survive. I don’t really know, I’m not an expert. But this mentality needs to shift to self-preservation, to doing what’s best for you.

So I blocked him on everything and told him to not attempt to talk to me again. And we haven’t so much as waved to each other since. And I lost something that day. A feeling of security. Maybe it was the right thing to do, but once you let go of the rule book what else do you have? Well for one, yourself.

Student Wellbeing

VUWSA

JORDAN SCHULDE | SHE/HER

TARA O’CONNOR | SHE/HER

CONNECTIONS

ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER

Let’s talk about ‘Relationships’. Now don’t jump to conclusions and think a relationship has to be romantic or sexual. It can be completely platonic. In some ways you even have a relationship with that barista who serves you a cuppa in the morning. Because of this typical misconception, sometimes it’s useful to use the word ‘connections’ but then no one knows what you’re on about.

Being away from the people and things you love is difficult —something everyone experienced during Levels 3 and 4.

Distance may make the heart grow fonder but after 8 weeks of social distancing, it's easy to conclude that the distance still sucks.

My point is, take time to focus on not only the ‘traditional’ relationship, but also the relationships and connections you have with your surroundings, people, and things. For instance, places like the University, your religion or spirituality and its importance in your life, the environment and the impact we all have upon it, and even culture and how it shapes who you are.

I for one have felt the importance of relationships to my wellbeing thanks to lockdown. I always thought of myself as an introvert—a homebody—but damn did I like interacting with some people and places. It’s been extremely difficult being away from those I care for, and using Zoom is just not the same. I miss uni, talking with lecturers and fellow classmates, all of us having the university experience. So here’s from me to you, let’s rekindle our shared university relationship with the step down to level two, and let’s hope we can stay there.

Even if we don’t, digital interaction can be a close second.

So make sure to keep in contact even if it’s more difficult.

Use this time to make social media your tool in maintaining ‘connections’ throughout social distancing. Remember, social distance does not equal isolation.

I now leave you with some questions around relationships: What does the phrase ‘relationship’ mean to you?

How have your relationships impacted who you are and how you live life? How important is your relationship to the present moment?

Loving can be hard and it can hurt a lot, especially when external forces *ahem* are making it harder to stay connected to the things we love.

When I was 15 some friends and I carved ‘love is a sham’ into a rock. I wrote at length about love being a social construct and never lasting. But now at 20, I love love.

Love isn’t prescribed. There’s no right or wrong way to do it.

You can love so many things in so many different ways.

Loving family or friends or partners or learning or flowers or going to town or food. It doesn't have to be constant. It doesn’t have to be forever. It doesn’t have to be anything.

Just because it's different doesn't make it any less valid.

People love clubs. People love the people they meet through clubs. People at this university put their hearts and souls into clubs out of love.

Throughout lockdown, clubs have been doing a fantastic job at connecting people regardless of physical circumstance.

Zoom parties, netflix parties, challenges, online AGMs, execs have been absolutely incredible in providing people with a sense of community in what would otherwise have been a nightmarishly isolating time.

Maybe love is just a social construct and maybe it is just a chemical reaction but it leads to some pretty incredible things.

ISSUE 12: COLUMNS

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UniQ RACHEL LOCKWOOD | SHE/HER

THAT’S THAT ON THAT. PERIOD: SAPPHIC FRIENDSHIPS Everyone’s got something to say about the make-up of sapphic friend groups. But, I am here to guide you past all the The L Word drama and give you the real rundown on what is happening in a typical group of classic Kiwi queers.

Queer friends, and especially queer women, are constantly engaged in a complex and rich process of community building. This process negotiates the very real threats of life as a queer individual with a web of romantic and platonic relationships—not to mention the role of supportive mentors and family members in our lives.

For a start, the lesbian phone tree absolutely exists. And with that comes two kinds of knowledge. One: that you will/ already have dated every eligible woman you know. Two: this is the same group of women who will help you move furniture into your flat, give you money for an uber, and absolutely show up for a night out wearing the same shirt as you and refuse to change. And that first part has no effect on the second.

A break up doesn’t have to ruin a relationship, it just changes it. I’ve always seen this as something to be treasured in our community. The end of one kind of relationship not meaning the end of another.

There is an element of survival to it sure. When you only have a few people you feel safe with, you can’t afford to lose one just because you used to have sex. But I think it also speaks of a greater understanding of the fluidity of feelings. I’m not gonna lie to you, it can get awkward.

But what can be far more awkward is the tension between two single bi women in a friend group. Gee fucking willekers.

There is nothing more painful than the little glances and plausible-deniability flirting when there are single queer women with common friends and interests in the same room.

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ISSUE 12: COLUMNS

When being single gets you down, it’s a will-they-won’t-they roller coaster for everyone watching. There’s the excitement and sense of possibility with every blushing smile and joking ass-grab, but also the absolutely terrifying possibility that they don’t really mean it, and you will have to look at your hash browns at brunch and think very seriously about the choices you’ve made.

On the flip side, if you ever need a hype women for anything, your queer friends are your go-to. No comment is too overtly sexual, no set of emojis too lewd, for them to fully communicate how great their desire is for you to step on them in that exact outfit. Every assignment is an opportunity to praise your talent for sneaking in queer content. Every hour you spend at work is another opportunity for them to vent over messenger about their conflicting feelings on manicures.

It’s not just the ride-or-die besties turned lovers turned ex’s or the chick who’s most used emoji is the winky face. It’s not just the one who gets you to proofread their confessions of undying love and bakes bread to pay you back.

Beyond all that is the community you build together. The spaces you carve out from the rest of the bullshit. It’s the whispered phone call at two in the morning from bedrooms on opposite coasts, and feeling that love travelling over the air all the way to you. Even as the group of queer friends I have changes shape, I always know that no matter what, at the heart of what brings us together is a bond that is untouchable by heterosexual nonsense.

So that’s the real juicy truth of what’s going on with your queer friends. If it’s a little hard to come to terms with, you might like to watch the original L Word.

An ode to my melanin.

We have loved many things in our life but one we have not touched was/is the skin. No not the lumps, dumps, scars all marked on the body, beneath that, the supple melanin that always made you feel like a stain on this world. She needs holding.

See, you always plastered yourself as a commodity rather than a priority to avoid the reality of the situation you birthed in. Coded into your bones so it would erode your skin, your melanin, not ever realizing it was the avoidance of white gaze, white fragility and white privilege. Subconsciously you always saw yourself as less than human, not wanting to acknowledge how lonely this "inbetween" space was/is.

Cutting yourself down like a yet to grow tree because you silently/ privately didn't understand how you could ever be worthy. Despite your melanin holding you in like an unrequited love. Or that tinder date that turned into a one night stand that messaged the next day, only for you to leave them on "read".

It's an inherited silence passed down from generation to generation going unquestioned.

Always being told that you looked "better" with straighter hair, to not stay in the sun too long in fear of getting "darker". Insinuating that having any form of colour Mark's you for life as the dirt underneath people's shoes as they walk all over you and your melanin.

You have forgotten the sound of your own voice and how to hold your space. Yet you are so quick to teach any sexual partner how to pleasure you, so their hands feel like they were made just for you.

Take time to make passionate love to your melanin, our melanin. Soak in it. Slowly feel your way around the crevices that are touch starved by fingers that feel like a forgotten home.

Greet her like the sea welcomes the shore line, no matter how many times the current pulls her back in.

Write to her in the language of moon and stars, to remind her that she is the Southern Cross of your night sky.

Wade in her water. Let her waves wash over you, feel the liquid gold that is your skin, our skin, the melanin, drip all around you.

THIS is love.

3000 years worth of ancestry, love.

Removed from your island, type of love.

Forgotten your mother tongue kid of love.

Because no matter how many times you lose your way, she, she will always welcome you with open arms.

Reminding you it is not about how small your island is but how vast our oceans are that connect us. Though we may have differing mountains and valleys, we will always share the same sky.

A forever love between you and your melanin. â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Meleseini Luhama Tau'alupe

Send your poems to poetry@salient.org.nz

POETRY

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Communicating on the Interweb

SALLY WARD | SHE/HER

Everybody knows 80% of our relationships are conducted online. You might live two streets or two continents away from the person on the end of the can and string. If they don’t reply to your text, you can send them an email or a snapchat or a DM. It’s not clingy if it’s on a different app. Allgood. Here are some communication platforms, reviewed.

Cellphone: 8/10 You need credit to operate this wonder machine. That sucks.

At least you can pretend you didn’t reply due to “insufficient funds.” Even though you actually just don’t like them. If you do have credit, pick up the phone and call your mate.

Cutting the crap and getting straight to the interesting part of someone’s night out, rather than reading a thousand illegible texts is underrated.

Messenger: 6/10

know that my work ‘friends’ Sam and Billie are bonking now.

It’s efficient, you can send the same pic to 20 people in a few swipes. A reliable news source.

Whatsapp: 10/10 You, your Aunty, and your uncle’s ex-wife on a group chat together, sharing photos of your newest baby cousins and recipes from your Grandma’s cookbook.

Email: 6.5/10 There’s no pressure to reply straight away, sit on it for a couple of days. It’s the closest thing to a letter you’re likely to receive. Includes a fun series of sign off options including: ‘Cheers,’ ‘Warm regards,’ and ‘Best.’ Don’t forget to upload your attachments. Ideal for sending passive aggressive reminders to flatmates to hurry up and sign the bond form.

Zoom: 5/10

If you’ve ever tried to delete FB, to ‘unplug’, you’ll know it’s a lot harder to survive without Messenger than you think. It’s the default option for anywhere with Wifi. Admittedly, it was ruined when people suddenly had the power to *seen* you.

But then again, leaving someone on read is a Power Move.

Group chats are like being stuck in the corner at a party with three people you don’t know while your only friend is outside having a dart.

The angel and devil of 2020. A hot way to catch up with your lecturers. Note that they can see everything written in the group chat. Bring your cat or vape along to appear like a real person.

Instagram: 9/10

Don’t.

The multimedia information sharing lacuna. Reply to stories, send memes, invite your neighbour to join your OnlyFans.

A relatively low maintenance option for making people feel like you care about them. You can even make someone feel extra special by adding them to your ‘close friends’ list.

Awkward if they don’t put you on theirs.

Tinder: 4/10

Snapchat: 3/10 Snapchat has 210 mil active daily users wtf. It got real creepy when Snapmaps was introduced. Like hi I didn’t need to

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REVIEWS: SOCIAL MEDIA DATING

Omegle: -10/10

Want to run into your ex using a profile photo that you took or even better, you’re in? Wellington‘s a small place, at the very least you’ll catch up with a few people you already know and have a yarn about the last gig you went to. And then it will get really awkward when you see them irl because it’s not clear if they (like) like you or nah. Just here for the bants.

Owls: 17/10 Still waiting for my Hogwarts acceptance letter.

The Friends of Friends

BROCK STOBBS | HE/HIM

What show better encapsulates the idea of friendship than Friends? Some would say many, and they would be right!

But none are particularly fun to write about and capture the same kind of audience. The 90’s pop culture phenomenon has persisted and is even getting a reunion? No, an HBO special? Anyway, without further ado and in a very particular order, from best to worst, here’s my review of the Friends of Friends.

1. Phoebe Buffay Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before, unafraid to reference or not reference, put it in a blender, shit on it, vomit on it, eat it, give birth to it. She’s all those things.

Ms Phoebe Buffay, a.k.a Regina Phalange, a.k.a Princess Consuela Banana Hammock, is the saving grace of the show. How else would you describe the artiste who gave us ‘Smelly Cat’? Phoebe brings a much-needed levity to her friend group with her New Age proclivities, progressive ideology, and being in a constant state of bewilderment.

She’s basically a Wellingtonian.

2. Joey Tribbiani A dumbass with a heart of gold, the original himbo. Yup, that’s Joey Tribbiani! Being the loveable lug of the group is tough work, especially when your friends are as dramatic, tense, and frantic as this lot—but Joey manages. Now, he’s no Phoebe, but he does alright. He often goes out of his way to support his friends, and while sometimes the ideas are not the most well-conceived, the best of intentions are always there.

3. Monica Geller Monica is the epicentre of the group. She is the one who brings Rachel back into the fold at the beginning of the series and serves as the ‘Mum Friend’ to all. As someone

who’s role in the friend group is more akin to that of a fun but messy uncle, I feel like Monica deserves more credit than she’s given. I mean, she’s the sister of Ross and has had to deal with him for her entire life. That alone is worthy of praise.

4. Rachel Green Despite what this ranking may suggest, I do love Rachel. But let’s be real, she’s a bit of a mess. Yes, she serves some absolute looks. Her initial life goal of marrying rich was, quite frankly, reasonable. Her then transition into a successful businesswoman is awe-inspiring. Where was I going with this? Oh, right. She also happens to have a whole lot of privilege but no sense to acknowledge it, and it is frustrating.

There's also the case of her questionable choice in Ross.

Need I say more?

5. Chandler Bing I can’t really pinpoint what it is about Chandler that doesn’t sit well with me. He’s self-deprecating, sarcastic, funny, and neurotic. Maybe Chandler just hits too close to home? No, it couldn’t possibly be that. Overall, I actually think he’s just a bit bland in comparison to the others. He’s the boyfriend of the ‘Mum Friend’, literally. Good to have around but by no means the life of the party.

6. Ross Geller Do we like Ross Geller? The answer is no. It’s funny reading through old takes of Ross because they all seem to paint him in a positive light—evidently, these takes didn’t age well. Ross is arrogant and whiny. If he was a character in a modern sitcom, he would be the guy who complains that women who do not sleep with him after he is nice to them are manipulative and sluts (somehow). I can just imagine it now, Ross complaining about being in the friendzone in the same annoying cadence that gave us “PIVOT!”

REVIEWS: FRIENDS

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Reviewing our First Post-Lockdown Social Interaction

ROSIE AND MIIA VAN BEUSEKOM | SHE/HER

Like many of you, we’ve been desperate to get out of lockdown. To burst our bubbles and hug our friends. So how was that first post-lockdown social interaction?

Close to eight weeks have gone by in our smallish bubble without event. Doing the kinds of things everyone else is doing—finding new hobbies, falling behind on study, writing for Salient, eating copious amounts of snacks. All of our new-found activities, however, lacked that one vital element: our much-loved friends.

A good Social Interaction™ consists of four main parts: hugs, yarns, time, and (most importantly) friends, and we’re rating each of these out of 5 for our first post-lockdown Social Interaction. For a more well-rounded review, we have included feedback from our friends.

Hugs Nothing beats breaking down your friends’ door and pulling them into a good hug. While we did wait for the door to be opened for us, a long break between visits meant that we’d all but forgotten how to hug our friends. Unfortunately, we hadn’t taken the time to do a whole lot of squats over the lockdown period, so we weren’t able to lift our pals off their feet and whirl them around the room dramatically like we’d imagined. Alas, we chose being snacked over being jacked.

Still, the hugs were an unmatched experience - 4.5/5 “Miia had somewhat forgotten how to hug. This was evident from the get go, but something I will very happily forgive her for.” - 4/5 Yarns All the best interactions with our friends involve some solid yarns. Having not seen anyone different for almost two months, there’s definitely plenty to talk about, whether it’s building a catio (it's a patio, but for cats), the slow degradation of your sense of humour, the idiot that cut you off on the motorway on the drive over, or getting engaged

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REVIEWS: POST-LOCKDOWN INTERACTIONS

to your partner of a year you’ve been calling your wife since day 7. We do feel like there was a lot of word-vomiting.

This interaction had good quality yarns a-plenty, and you can’t fault a bit of word-vomiting - 5/5 “These two always turn up with a huge announcement, and this time was no exception. Makes for an interesting conversation, which makes for a very fun time.” - 5/5 Time Unfortunately, this part really let the whole experience down.

A good quality Social Interaction™ requires good quality time, and this one just didn't quite cut the mustard. You can't count a flying stop on the way home as quality time, and it showed. The Social Interaction needs to be planned more than 3 hours in advance, and should absolutely include snacks and/or a meal. Poorly planned, and just was not long enough to really justify a higher rating - 2/5 “Wasn’t long enough. Poor show.” - 1/5 Friends The quality of the friends makes or breaks the whole experience, and in this instance, the friends were top notch. Absolutely lovely people with incredible and diverse personalities. All have a fantastic sense of humour and know how to talk some top-quality rubbish. What more can we even say? Lovely friends. One of them will be at the bridal party. Honestly, where would we be without them? Couldn't be improved on at all - 6/5 “Love them to bits.” - 10/5 Overall, you couldn't ask for a better first post-lockdown social interaction. The only thing letting the side down was a lack of quality time and some interesting hugging technique, but this was more than compensated for with top quality yarns and friends. Our overall rating - 4.5/5 Friend’s overall rating - 5/5

Taylor Swift - Lover Album Review: What does a happy relationship do to the Queen of Heartbreak? (Not you Adele)

STEPHEN JINKU HUGHES | HE/HIM

Taylor Swift is in a healthy and happy relationship. Two, actually—with her tall white boy and more importantly herself.

Leading to the album’s creation, KWEEN Swift privately maintained her relationship and battled demons all while becoming more politically vocal, and publicly unabashed. In true Swiftian tradition, she has sonically documented it all into confessional bops for our voyeuristic support.

Lover’s 18 tracks all capture different sentiments of love and different facets of her intimate personal relationships with family, her lover, and herself. Swift pairs the songs of the albums into contrasting couplets to capture the wildly fickle complexities and intricacies of love (hence the name).

Each couplet holds almost opposing themes, production, and lyrics about a common story or subject. For example, “Cruel Summer” is a sonically contemporary fast-paced, synths blaring song about longing, doubting, and insecurity in love. In comparison, the title track “Lover” is a slow-jam, backed by classic instruments depicting a strong, assured love with a wedding vow-esque bridge.

This trend continues down the tracklist. “The Man” is a bold anthem boasting Swift’s self-assuredness in fighting for her accomplishments. This is contrasted with “The Archer”, a sparsely produced confession about self-doubt, vulnerability, and destructive tendencies.

“I Think He Knows” plays as an upbeat high school crush as Swift confidently “drives” away with her “indigo [eyed]” lover. This is followed immediately by “Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince”, a bleak high school allegory, depicting Swift running away with her lover and “[painting] the town blue”.

Next up is, “Paper Rings”, a pop-rock anthem about the heights of love, with Swift looking forward to marrying her lover even with "paper rings”. This is coupled with “Cornelia Street” a dreamy slow-synth story reminiscing the beginning of her relationship and how heartbroken she would be to lose it.

“Death by a Thousand Cuts” is a dream-pop, hypothetical breakup song that shows the haunting end alluded to by “Cornelia Street”. The paired song “London Boy” is contrastingly propelled by chilled trap beats, highlighting her tongue-in-cheek self-assured enjoyment of her “London Boy”.

The next couplet examines love under hardship with religion as a vehicle. Amidst desperation of her mother’s cancer, “Soon You’ll Get Better” (SYGB) shows Swift gathering comfort in God. Contrastingly “False God” runs through slow jazzy worship of sex to prevail through romantic hardship.

“You Need to Calm Down” uses a bassy backing track and light reverbing vocals to doubly convey an assertive rebuttal of internet trolls and an envoy of LGBTQIA+ equality. While “Afterglow” contrastingly enough is a dramatic drum-driven apology track about how Swift “blew things out of proportion” and put her lover “in jail for something [he] didn’t do”.

“Me” the song that gave us “SpElLiNg Is fUn” is otherwise a fun, super poppy celebration track about self-love and perseverance despite one’s flaws. “Me”’s energy is contrasted with a minimalistic harp-driven “It’s Nice To Have A Friend”, a song that’s simply… well about how nice it is for Swift to have a friend in her Lover.

Then the final couplet of the opening and closing tracks are “I Forgot You Existed” (IFYE) and “Daylight” respectively.

Appropriately, both songs reflect the overarching tones of the album. “IFYE” is a carefree, airy brush off of her previous feuds with those who have been forgotten, contrasted by “Daylight”, a deep and sincere reflection of her past and present.

Lover plays as a series of messy and masterful diary entries exploring ‘love’. Swift wrote, produced, directed, and recorded a sonically diverse yet thematically cohesive story—and it is clear she is happy, free, confused and not so lonely no more, in the best way.

REVIEWS: ALBUM REVIEW

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Occupation Station What Early 2000s Rom-Com Are You? MADDI ROWE | SHE/HER You wake up in your bedroom (barbecue sauce on your tiddies) which has bright fucking purple walls because it’s the fuckign 2000s BITCH get with it.

What song have you set as your alarm?

A. “Fireflies” by Owl City

Your crush Aaron Samuels texts you on your Pinkilicious flip phone that he’s wearing cherry lip balm just for you.

You spray on a perfume—obvi it’s only Cool Charm. Which scent?

B. “Marry You” by Bruno Mars A. Tokyo Blossom B. Indigo Sky

You slide on your fucking idk what are those things called the fucking Paul Frank slippers and get out your diary you know the one with the secret password. What absolute shit do you talk about Georgia from Year 6?

A. Stuffing her bra B. She didn’t know every word to “Buttons” by the Pussycat Dolls

In your drawer there is a single tampon, never used, and a tube of clear lip gloss that is the closest-tasting thing to actually licking ass. Which do you take out?

A. Lip gloss B. Lone tampon

You walk over to your outfit generating machine bc ur boujie as fuck. What is today’s pick?

A. Spaghetti strap singlet with “Princess” rhinestoned across the chest B. Something that’ll get your hot English teacher’s attention—a red-accented blazer with a hot pink lining

On your way out the door, you run past your mum whose in the kitchen and has an actual fucking banquet on the table.

What do you select from the feast to delicately nibble at on the bright yellow school bus?

A. A lone waffle B. A cartoonishly large banana

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OCCUPATION STATION

MOSTLY AS

MOSTLY Bs

EQUALLY As AND Bs

13 Going on 30

50 First Dates

Mamma Mia

In relationships you have the playful yet nausea-inducing energy of a 13 year old trapped in the body of someone who narrowly avoided a harrowing future with Ben i’m-sure-hisdick-game-is-ass-tier Affleck.

You have no concept of boundaries. That’s it, that’s the plot. You’re probably good at playing the ukulele though.

And also collating dumbfuck scrapbooks.

Your high school superlative was ‘most likely to fuck off to a remote Greek island and play the fucken banjo out a window or some shit’. Take what you will, it’s pre iconic.

Word of the Week: ‘love’

Te Reo Māori:

New Zealand Sign Language:

aroha

NZSL: https://www.nzsl.nz/signs/5240

Sudoku

FROM ZERO

TO A HUNDRED

OCCUPATION STATION

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Horoscopes MADDI ROWE | SHE/HER

Miss me with that sappy relationship shit. Look @ these ‘scopes according to ur Venus sign instead of the usual. But I’m not ur dad. Do what you want.

ARIES Your mission during this Venusian placement is simple. Romance it up a bit. Thinkin’ rose petals, waxpressed letters, feather quills. Big Timothée Chalamet energy, you know?

Optimal match: A softboi Virgo placement.

CANCER You deserve LOVE. AND TEDDY

BEARS WON AT CARNIVAL DATES. STOP ACCEPTING FUCKBOY ENERGY. UR BETTER THAN THAT.

Optimal match: An overzealous Leo Venus.

TAURUS

GEMINI

I just spoke with the Gemini venus currently fucking your shit up and she says you should COMMUNICATE!!!!!!! Your needs right now? Breakfast in bed, and consensual oral sex straight after.

Happy Venusian return you son of a bitch!!! Celebrate by talking to ur casual hookups to the point of dry DMs. You needed a clean slate anyway.

Optimal match: A Gemini Mercury with a sharp tongue.

LEO

You give off Harry Styles in his Adore You video energy.

Desperately loving something that just does NOT work for you.

You’re valid.

Optimal match: A Scorpio Moon who’d stab someone for you.

LIBRA I’ve never met a Libra who doesn’t convulse with pure ecstasy when they consume romantic literature to any degree.

Freely daydream about having kids with your English prof—no one’s judging.

Optimal match: An air sign who holds your hand.

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SCORPIO Maybe they are actually just busy.

Maybe they’re planning their Cool Girl monologue. It’s a mystery. Sexy.

Optimal match: An Aries sun with a fiery passion for the chase.

CAPRICORN

AQUARIUS

That seemingly successful commerce major does not hold the key to your heart. You’re more likely to fuck your old RA. Aim a little lower.

Try to thaw the ice around your heart. Make a sappy playlist and dance in a fountain for the sake of you not being a despondent old hag in 50 years’ time.

Optimal match: A water sign that cries at rom-coms.

Optimal match: A fire sign with a never-ending lust for life.

HOROSCOPES

Optimal match: A dark-eyed Scorpio rising.

VIRGO Just TELL THEM, my GOD. Suck it up sunshine, we all fall in love. You can’t stop the inevitable.

Optimal match: A Sagittarius Mars to really loosen your shit up in every way imaginable.

SAGITTARIUS

Stop being ashamed of triple-texting the moving man you fell in love with. Embrace the downward spiral. Y’all got sundaes?

Optimal match: A free-spirited Taurus who never wears underwear.

PISCES It’s about time you stopped analysing their every move from afar and worked up the nerve to ask them for their Nintendo Switch code.

Optimal match: An Aquarius who shares their conspiracies with you.

The Team EDITORS Rachel Trow & Kirsty Frame DESIGN & ILLUSTRATION Rowena Chow NEWS EDITORS Te Aorewa Rolleston & Finn Blackwell

CHIEF REPORTER Annabel McCarthy

SUB EDITOR Alfred Dennis SOCIAL MEDIA & WEB MANAGER Kane Bassett PODCAST MANAGER Matthew Casey

FEATURE EDITOR Shanti Mathias

STAFF WRITERS Lofa Totua Sally Ward Shanti Mathias

FEATURE WRITERS Te Aorewa Rolleston Gus TBF Janhavi Gosavi

TV TEAM Charlie Myer & Julia Mattocks COLUMNISTS Caitlin Hicks Vic Bell Rosie and Miia van Beusekom Viki Moananu Jordan Schulde Rachel Lockwood Tara Oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;Connor

CONTRIBUTORS Maddi Rowe Taylah Shuker Ethan Griffiths Zeina Ibrahim Sally Ward Matthew Casey Brock Stobbs Rosie and Miia van Beusekom Stephen Jinku Hughes Sally Ward

POETRY EDITOR Janhavi Gosavi poetry@salient.org.nz

POETRY Meleseini Luhama Tau'alupe

REVIEWS EDITOR Brock Stobbs reviews@salient.org.nz

CONTACT US editor@salient.org.nz designer@salient.org.nz (centrefold artwork) news@salient.org.nz socialmedia@salient.org.nz

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