Salient 11, 2013 - Space

the space issue

monday 27th may 2013 VOL 76 ISSUE 11

E I L N A T S 1938

E I L N A T S 1938

Shooting Stars

E I L N A T S

Editors: Stella Blake-Kelly & Molly McCarthy editor@salient.org.nz Designer: Laura Burns designer@salient.org.nz News Editor: Chris McIntyre news@salient.org.nz Chief Reporter: Phillipa Webb News Interns: Sophie Boot & Alex Lewin

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Arts Editor: Philip McSweeney arts@salient.org.nz

An Organ of Student Opinion Since 1938

Film Editor: Gerald Lee Books Editor: Alexandra Hollis Visual Arts Editor: Sharon Lam Music Editor: Philip McSweeney Theatre Editor: Diana Russell Games Editor: Patrick Lindsay

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"I think the way X’jhorg unhinges his jaw to swallow his prey whole is just adorable "

Feature Writers: Henry Cooke & Patrick Hunn Chief Sub-editor & Uploader: Nick Fargher Distribution Specialist: Joanna Judge Contributors Hilary Beattie, Megan Beattie, Lauren Brazier, Rosie Cann, Chloe Davies, Matt Ellison, Penny Gault, Freddie Hayek, Hector and Janet, Ashleigh Hume, Dylan Jauslin, Russ Kale, Eve Kennedy, Michael Kumove, Jess Legg, Megan McArthur, Rory McCourt, Sebastian Maddox, Carla Marks, Gus Mitchell, Mica Moore, Carlo Salizzo, Ngai Tauira, Lydia Nobbs, Pasifika Students' Council, Samantha Ryan

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Contributor of the Week: Samantha Ryan Advertising Contact: Ali Allen Phone: 04 463 6982 Email: sales@vuwsa.org.nz Contact Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University P.O. Box 600. Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766 Email: editor@salient.org.nz Website: salient.org.nz Twitter: @salientmagazine Facebook: facebook.com/salientmagazine

Real Life: My Boyfriend Is An Alien! - Page 31

About us Salient is produced by independent student journalists, employed by, but editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students' Association (VUWSA). Salient is a member of, syndicated and supported by the Aoteroa Student Press Association (ASPA). Salient is funded by Victoria Univeristy of Wellington students, through the Student Services Levy. It is printed by APN Print of Hastings. Opinions expressed are not necessarily representative of ASPA, VUWSA, APN Print, Callum Fredric, Extraterrestrial Lifeforms, but we of Salient are proud of our beliefs and take full responsibility for them. Other Subscriptions: Too lazy to walk to uni to pick up a copy of your favourite mag? We can post them out to you for a nominal fee. $40 for Vic Students. $55 for everyone else. Please send and email containing your contact details with ‘subscription’ in the subject line to editor@salient.org.nz This issue is dedicated to:

our third rock from the sun

CONTENTS Weekly Content: 3. Editorial 4. VUWSA 6. News 14. Politics 16. Campus Digest Features: 18. 21. 24. 27. 28.

Aliens— The Real Beasts of Blenheim? Universal Truths The Salient Guide To The Zodiac A Space of One's Own Space, Aged

30. Into Darkness: A Vision For Our Future 31. Real Life: My Boyfriend Is An Alien! Columns: 32. Bent Secret Diary of Kimbryo 33. Fixing Your Life (Because Ours Are Written Off) 34. Laying Down The Law Dinocop

35. Weekly Rant 36. Nigella Lawstudent Beer'd Arts: 37. Books 38. Music 39. Games 40. Visual Arts 41. Film Etc: 42. Puzzles 44. Letters 46. Notices 47. VBC Gig Guide

 editorial

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Compensating for Something

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Kathryn

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 Welcome to the second-to-last week of the trimester! While holidays may just be a few weeks away, you probably have so many due dates and exam dates looming that it seems unlikely that you’ll ever make it out the other side alive.

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If this is your first Trimester at Victoria, we can promise you that despite the doom and gloom there are a few positives to look forward to: lollies handed out in final tutorials; free breakfast at the VUWSA Stress Free Study Weeks, and a light-hearted, Spacethemed issue of Salient to give you some light relief from the trials and tribulations of Trimester One. Coming to University can be a big shock after high school. Where you once knew, or at least knew of, nearly everyone, now you’re surrounded by thousands and thousands of people you will never know, never meet, and many you will never even see. Much like thinking about your infinitesimal size in the infinitely expanding Universe, thinking about your relative insignificance in an institution the size of Victoria University can be pretty damn bleak. But it’s not all doom and gloom. In his series, Cosmos, astronomer Carl Sagan famously explained: “We’re made of star stuff ”, a neat little fact later picked up on by Moby in his hit ‘We Are All Made of Stars’. Did you know that every single atom that makes up every single one of us was produced in a star millions and millions of years ago? That’s something pretty nice to think about when you’re still 400 words down on your essay and it’s already 3am; the line at VicBooks is so long that you’re late to class, or your flatmates’ banging keeps you awake when you’re in bed alone, again.

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As humans, we have something of a fascination for the Great Beyond. Nearly everyone has dreamed about space travel at least once, has wondered whether life exists beyond the bounds of our little planet, or has responded ‘astronaut’ when asked what they wanted to be when they grew up. Molly had every intention of being an astronaut when she grew up. Hell, she was even prepared to do maths and physics to get to space. Until, at the age of 13, someone told her that as part of astronaut training, you have to poo on a camera (trust me on this one, it’s to do with aiming at a vacuum toilet, or something). That may have seemed like a small step for some, but for Molly it was a giant leap way, way too far. Stella has always made an effort to point out that her name is Latin for ‘star’, as if to imply she’s destined to shine bright, like a diamond. Though in reality she is just a big ball of gas. Our childhood dreams of space and space travel may never be realised, but that hasn’t stopped us wearing galaxy leggings or consulting our horoscopes on a monthly basis. Sure, it can be pretty overwhelming to think about how small we are in terms of Victoria, Wellington, New Zealand, Earth, the Solar System... but we can’t let the fact that we are mere specks of star-dust get us down. We just have to make the most of what we’ve got. Sure, we might not all be astronauts, but damnit, we’ll shine bright like diamonds if we want to.

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Salient II

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Pants Optional

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Century Eagle

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Puzzles

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Suck It, Flat Earthers!

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Yonic Thunder

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Randy Ann

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the Seaward

Our neighbours at the VBC are currently looking for 2-3 new hosts to join their Flight Coffee VBC Breakfast Show, Monday-Friday 8-10am. If you get hot under the collar for mornings, talking, music and coffee, email stationmanager@vbc.org.nz.

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VUWSA 

YOUR STUDENTS’

ASSOCIATION

your students' association

THE McCOURT REPORT VUWSA President Rory McCourt

Last week I explained the impacts of Budget 2013 from a student perspective, but what I didn’t cover was the wider context in which National’s relatively small changes exist, and how they’re part of something much bigger. Once upon a time, tertiary education was regarded as a public good in New Zealand, enriching lives and improving the lot of everyone through a more productive country—so the Government picked up the tab. Today, a university education is seen by most students as a thing to buy from individuals, with the expectation of some private benefit down the road, like a big salary. Today, more than 70 per cent of students have some sort of loan, and tens of thousands of us borrow to pay rent, buy food and heat our flats. Once upon a time, having a more educated population was inherently good, whereas today a narrow focus on selected outputs dominates what and how much we fund within universities and polytechnics. Completions, research productions, and the potential earning for degree recipients form the basis of our policies. The ivory towers have been knocked down and rebuilt with PBRF cash piles. So when did it all change? If you’re still reading this, then you probably know the story: In the late 1980s, under Labour’s right-wing reforms, the Government introduced tertiary fees, followed by an even more right-wing National Government which raised these fees, and added interest-bearing loans. Students paid upwards of 6 per cent a year on their ballooning student debt, as unis price gouged throughout the 1990s. The Government also encouraged the internal market we have now whereby institutions compete for students, spending millions of our fees on expensive marketing campaigns. Education was now regarded as a private cost individuals pursue for private benefit. The state would have a decreasing role in supporting its populace into the halls of Auckland or Otago. When Labour came back into government in 1999 it had repented for a lot of its 90s right-wing antics, but left most of the right-wing reforms in place, choosing to tinker around some of the sharper edges of the reforms. Labour went about stopping fee increases and then establishing the fee maxima policy (where fees can only go up by a maximum 4 per cent each year). Labour introduced interest-free student loans in 2005. That Government also increased funding to the sector by 74 per cent in real terms between 2000 and 2007. Despite the fact that participation by Kiwis in tertiary education shot up massively during the 2000s, many on the left (and in student unions) have accused Labour of only tinkering, of maintaining the neoliberal consensus, and even advancing it in areas like incentivising enrolment

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of international students. No doubt Labourites would defend this record, but I think it’s fair to ask the question: where was the alternative vision? Labour’s Tertiary Education strategies left most of National’s frameworks in place. Like Labour, the current Government has written off providing any new vision for the tertiary sector. If students and their unis are a political football, then Labour and National have been kicking us around the centre line for 25 years. It’s a compromise. But a compromise between what? A commercialised vision of tertiary education and slightly-less commercialised vision of tertiary education? Tertiary education is now regarded as a global market, where New Zealand could only hope to compete. Forgotten are those pre-Rogernomic ideals of the purpose of education for the public benefit and national interest, that graduates have a sense of purpose that goes beyond dollar signs, that education is good for more than profit for profit’s sake. Just look at the messages we get regularly from the current government: that learning is a luxury; that they’re only willing to back us for degrees that bring in high incomes (in the current market); that students are lazy anyway, so can be ignored. Where’s the positive vision about the role tertiary education can have in delivering that Brighter Future? Where are New Zealand’s Mark Zuckerbergs, or Christopher Hitchenses? Without backing a varied, vibrant, creative and inspired tertiary sector, that brighter future is nothing but a cliché on the back of a bus. Building a 21st Century economy in a globalised world isn’t detracted by a transformation of the investment we put into universities and students. In fact, it’s completely necessary. Next week I’ll explore if and how we can reignite the debate over tertiary education, the need for a new vision for the sector, and what’s fucked with a student movement that isn’t delivering it.

 VUWSA

Vice-President (Engagement) By Mica Moore I had a dream the other night that I took a video of myself on Snapchat jumping around naked, and then sent it to EVERYONE in the world. I desperately tried to delete the messages (not possible, silly), and yet a part of me was like oh well, there goes my dignity. #noregrets Now, I have been known to google ‘wat duz it mean wen u dream abowt whales’, but I haven’t looked too far into this one. It’s just that time of year when we all go a bit insane. To counter this, the Engagement Team is organising things to help shake it up. As I’ve got used to this new role, I’ve begun to see the many different ways that Engagement could be approached. What we’re trying to do this year is bring you stuff you actually want to get involved in—as many of you as possible. It’s time VUWSA provided the events and opportunities that any students’ association should. So here are a few things to look out for:

NGAI TAUIRA This from our sponsors… Actually though, this could be a great opportunity. Motu Economic and Public Policy Research is currently accepting applications for a Māori intern. The internship is funded by the Motu Research and Education Foundation in association with Poutama Trust. It is envisaged that the intern will work with a Motu Senior Fellow (Dr Arthur Grimes) on aspects of Māori Business relevant to the vision and mission of Poutama Trust. They are looking for a tertiary student (at any level of tertiary study) who is keen to explore new ideas and who has good written and oral communication skills. Some study in economics, commerce and/or other social sciences is desirable but not necessary. The intern will work with an experienced Motu Senior Fellow, gaining invaluable research skills. The nature of the work will depend on the background of the intern. While the internship will operate over the 2013/14 summer, it will also be of use for the intern to spend one to two weeks at Motu before the break. All domestic interns at Motu receive a stipend. To learn more, visit www.motu.org.nz/. To apply, send a cover letter, CV, academic record and the contact details of at least two academic referees to Isabelle Sin at recruitment@motu.org. nz. Applications close on 7 June 2013.

• The Autumn Market, THIS Wednesday. Retail therapy, live music, food, prizes! • After-School Special every week at The Hunter Lounge. Gigs by Vic students for Vic students. Free fries with every jug of Castlepoint. That time on a Friday when your study goes out the window and you know if you’re hungover Saturday, you still have all weekend to do the shit you probably won’t do!

PASIFIKA STUDENTS' COUNCIL Talofa lava! Fa’atauaina o le Vaiaso o le Gagana Samoa Aso Gafua 27 Me – Aso Faraile 31 Me 2013

• Re-O Week – free food and treats at a different campus each day, an end-of-week party, and discounted Shapeshifter tickets.

Fafaga fanau i upu ma tala. Tautala i lau gagana. Feed the children on words. Speak your language.

• More campaigns and seminars – ways for you to actively shape how VUWSA, our university and our city should be.

Join Va’aomanu Pasifika and the Library in a week-long celebration of Samoan language. For more information: library.victoria.ac.nz/library/about/events/faatauainao-samoa.html.

• AND MORE… in Trimester Two we’ve also got THREE Executive Weeks coming up, a massive two-day sporting event... and that’s all I’ll reveal for now.

Welcome to the last week of University lectures and tutorials for this trimester. Keep your head up, keep the faith; we are nearly there. We’re all in this together! Reminders:

We hope you take advantage of these and keep some balance in your uni life. This is what we’ve gone for, but really it’s down to you! Pick a social-media outlet and tell me what you’d like to see. It’s time for my daily dose of ‘Get Lucky’ and those awesome mint slices from The Hunter Lounge/Louis/Milk and Honey. Peace.

• Last Loto Aho Study Session, this Wednesday 29 May, 2013, 4-6 pm at KK001. • Study Wananga next week; thank you to the staff at Te Putahi Atawhai for organising this. • Manu teleina a’oa’oga ma galuega fai o lenei vaiaso. Fa’amanuia le Atua! • Manuia lava le atoaga o lou 51 tausaga Samoa. Happy 51st Independence Samoa! Ia Manuia!

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NEWS

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Sometimes there's space in the news section. Help us planet, help us fill it! Comet me with news, tips and goss! news@salient.org.nz

MISDEEDS AND MISLEADS University admits previous cleaner incident as Cumberland investigation continues Chris McIntyre

One week after Salient revealed a cleaner had been barred from a Hall of Residence after spying on students in the shower, Victoria has admitted a similar incident took place in 2009 at another Hall. In 2009, a cleaner was removed from Weir House after similar incidents to those at Cumberland, allegedly placing a mirror under cubicles to watch students. Following the incident, Weir House residents were directed not to be in the same room as cleaners by Hall management.

assessing tenders and undertaking contract negotiations.” OCS is currently investigating the Cumberland incident, but has not provided a timeline to Salient or to the University for when the investigation would be completed. “OCS is very concerned about allegations made about a member of its cleaning staff. We take the safety and wellbeing of our client’s students very seriously,” said OCS Managing Director James Fletcher.

Victoria University management had originally told Salient they were “not aware of any other incidents involving cleaning staff at Victoria Halls in recent years”, despite the Weir incident taking place less than four years ago.

“Once OCS was advised of the allegations, we took immediate action and stood down the employee concerned. He was directed not to enter any Victoria University site and we are closely monitoring this.

“When looking into the question from Salient about other incidents involving cleaning staff at Victoria Halls, we considered the last two to three years. In that time there were no similar incidents,” said Associate Director of Student Accommodation Nick Merrett.

“We are currently investigating the matter... Given that the investigation process is underway, we are not in a position to comment further.”

Like the incidents at Cumberland, the allegations at Weir House were dealt with by the company contracted at that time—a different company to the one currently contracted, OCS. The University was satisfied with the way in which the cleaning contractor at the time handled the issue, telling Salient the incident did not contribute to the change in cleaning contractor. The Cumberland incident may play a part in whether OCS is re-contracted in future, says Manager of Contracts & Facilities Rebekah Procter. “Previous working history with the University is one of many factors considered when

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Campus Services Associate Director Rainsforth Dix told Salient the University is assisting the company with its investigation, “taking all necessary steps to ensure OCS has the information it needs”, Dix asserted. In the meantime, Merrett assured students that modifications are being made to the Cumberland building by the University to ensure the same thing cannot happen again. “Staff at all our Halls regularly check for any issues that have potential to affect student’s privacy and security, and also regularly ask students to let us know if they have any concerns.” The University has re-emphasised the importance of student privacy and security to OCS, and is satisfied OCS understands the University’s expectations.

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MGMT Don’t Care About the ‘Kids’ Their ‘Time to Pretend’ is Running Out Stella Blake-Kelly

Victoria University has given up on the Student Forum, and are failing to do anything about the glaring lack of student representation left in its wake. Last week’s meeting of the Forum, intended for the Tuesday, was cancelled a few hours before it was meant to be held. The email circulated to members suggested that the upcoming review of student representation made a meeting of the Forum redundant. “As some of you will know, there is currently a review underway that is looking at student representation and consultation at Vic, and while the Forum will not be meeting, there will be opportunity for you all to participate in this review process.” When the Student Forum was approved by University Council in 2011, it was required to undergo a review in 2013. A working group, comprised of various student representative groups and staff, is overseeing the review, and is co-chaired by University Council Student Representative David Alsop and Director of Student Academic Services, Pam Thorburn. Salient will have more information on the process and how students will be consulted next week. Thorburn said the Forum meeting “was cancelled by the University after it became clear there would not be a quorum.” As previously reported in Salient, VUWSA, Ngai Tauira and Pasifika Students’ Council have

withdrawn from the Forum, taking with them their respective membership base of over 70 per cent of students. The International Students’ Council is all but non-existent at the moment, and with most Faculty Delegate positions not being taken up by students, only the Post Graduate Students’ Association hasn’t given up on the flummoxing concept. Despite the University knowing of the numerous Forum withdrawals and the upcoming student representation review, they haven’t arranged any alternative processes to ensure the seats at University Council and Academic Board can be filled by student representatives. Such action Thorburn said “might appear to pre-empt the outcome of that review.” When asked if the University was intending to establish an alternative process for appointing the student representative positions as an interim measure until the representation review changes are implemented, or if they would consider passing on the responsibilities to VUWSA, as an interim measure they said something without really saying anything. “All of the questions appeared to us to be about the processes for student representation and therefore pertinent to the review that is currently in progress,” Thorburn said. “That review is being carried out by a committee comprising both staff and students and has agreed timelines.”

Both Alsop and VUWSA President Rory McCourt have said the current lack of student representatives on various boards and committees and the University’s planning of no temporary arrangements is unsatisfactory. “I am highly concerned with there being only one student member on the University Council, especially as we are heading towards the time of year when important issues such as fee setting and the appointment of a new Vice-Chancellor will be discussed,” Alsop said. “Given that the Student Forum appears to no longer be meeting, it is apparent that the University Council must find a short term common sense solution to this problem until the Representation Review is complete.” McCourt has proposed that VUWSA, who up until 2012 appointed representatives to the Academic Board and whose President automatically had a seat on University Council alongside the Student Representative, take over such responsibilities as an interim measure until the review’s recommendations are adopted. “We believe the VUWSA President should be co-opted onto the University Council, as Bridie Hood was last year until we can be assured of a legitimate student representative system,” he said. Hood, the VUWSA President in 2012, was co-opted onto the Council and made Chair of the Forum to steer it through its transition into existence.

If you have any thoughts or problems with the status quo of student representation, please email repreview@vuwsa.org.nz by Thursday 6 June. There will be another chance for consultation later in July. Check out next week's Salient for further details on the upcoming student representation review.

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An A-mew-sing Tail Salient investigates the fluffiest of stories; litters ‘articles’ with puns Sophie Boot

A potential catastrophe has been averted this week, with the revelation that a wild cat on campus is actually being cared for by numerous self-described “mad cat ladies”. Lady Pussyfoot, as the cat has been named, lives near the Mount St entrance to the cemetery. Last week, questions were raised as to her wellbeing beclaws of a photo of the cat which was posted on the Overheard @ Vic Facebook page.

Readers had been feline concerned that the cat remained in the same spot constantly, and that the cat may be underfed or unwell. A student-led plan to capture the cat and take it to the Cats Protection League was put on paws after the cat ladies’ announcement. Victoria Alumni Relations Manager Jill Rogers became aware of the concern, and reassured fellow cat-lovers.

Ms Rogers has been feeding the cat for a “couple of years”, and now takes it in turns with another woman, identified as Marilyn and described as “another MCL (mad cat lady)”. “I know she is still wild and we don't own her, but [Marilyn] and I have taken her on as our pseudo-pet,” Rogers said. Happy endings all around—except for Gareth Morgan.

Sandy Rankine replacement not ta-bby University doesn’t stray from line on cats Sophie Boot

Students hoping for a new campus cat have been left feline blue this week, with the University dismissing the paws-ibility of hisstory repeating. Precedent exists for a University cat—the Rankine Brown Central Library adopted two cats in 2003. Sandy Rankine lived in the Library from 2003 until his tragic passing in 2010, as a result of pancreatitis and diabetes. In 2009, a concert was held at Mount Street Bar to raise funds for Sandy’s vet treatment. Sandy was seen off in an emotional service held at the Library in July 2010. A second Library cat, Tessa Brown, also lived at Rankine Brown from 2003 but preferred

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to reside in workrooms, possibly cataloguing. Tessa passed away in 2008, after suffering from hyperthyroidism and urinary tract disease. When Salient contacted University management for comment on the cat-us quo, a University spokeswoman stated a disappointing purr-sition. “Sandy was part of the University community and was loved by many staff and students. However, it is not the role of the University to adopt a cat.” Fur-thermore, the University is not looking at contracting anyone to fill this role. Since the introduction of Voluntary Student Membership, many student services are

contracted out to VUWSA. However, University management is not pussyfooting about the possibility of such a contract being extended to VUWSA and no such claws exists in a current contract. “Contracting VUWSA to provide such a service is not under consideration,” said a University spokeswoman, who Salient hopes was lion. The ‘VUWSA Should Have a Cat’ Facebook page had, at the time of publication, 109 likes. Where the campaign will go meow is uncertain, but there’s more than one way to skin—or adopt—a cat.

Lady Pussyfoot

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Anything’s Better Than A Pyjama Party Moore events than 2012, despite VUWSA being McCourt out by University funding scheme. Chris McIntyre

If you were looking forward to Re-Orientation Week affirming your decision to come to Victoria, you’ll probably be out of luck as VUWSA struggle under a tough University funding model. Re-Orientation week will feature free barbecues at all campuses from Monday through Thursday, and an event in town on Friday night, aimed at first-years. It will be solely organised by VUWSA, who did not seek University funding for Re-O Week. “Funding is available. However, the University has not yet received a proposal from VUWSA regarding Re-Orientation Week events,” said Associate Director of Campus Operations Rainsforth Dix. VUWSA President Rory McCourt is unhappy with the current funding structure, and holds that the University should fund key events which students value. The University currently places a greater emphasis on Orientation than on Re-Orientation, and as such, Re-Orientation funding comes through the clubs process as opposed to a contract for orientation services. “We still believe there are issues for a students’ association to [have to] go through the clubs process for funding for Re-Orientation,” McCourt said. “What we want is security around events, funding for students’ association events, and also to acknowledge that VUWSA is not the same organisation as a club, and that we’re here to serve all students, not any particular demographic … I think we should be funded accordingly.” At Otago, students are looking forward to seeing Shapeshifter, and setting a Guinness World Record for Largest Paint Party. Otago are expected to successfully break the record, primarily due to the fact that no such record currently exists.

Neither Vice-President (Engagement) Mica Moore nor McCourt thought students in Wellington wanted events any less than their Otago counterparts, but noted Wellington was oversaturated with different music and sporting events which compete for students’ attention. In addition, McCourt mentioned the differences between VUWSA and the Otago equivalent, OUSA. “Otago is a very different students’ association. They have a team of six event people ... VUWSA doesn’t have that capacity, and our institution hasn’t backed us to the same degree, to do that kind of stuff.” Moore is in charge of events at VUWSA. The V-P (Engagement) role is new in 2013, and Moore believes it is working well to serve students. She has already seen a vast improvement in student engagement and in the provision of events, and though Shapeshifter aren’t playing at Re-Orientation week, Moore has secured discounted student tickets for their July 27 show. “We want to make sure that right from the outset they don’t think that they have to go to Otago or to Auckland or another university for Re-O Week, and that Vic’s the place they can stay at and VUWSA will provide for them,” Moore told Salient. Despite the lacklustre schedule, this year’s ReOrientation Week already looks to be far more successful than its predecessors. 2012’s sole event, a Pyjama Party held at the Hunter Lounge, attracted less than 20 students. The party was not subsidised by VUWSA, but was endorsed by the Association. At the time, then President of VUWSA Bridie Hood said VUWSA “might have to look at planning a bigger event the end of the year”, something Moore and 2013’s Executive have taken on board.

“I want to make sure that Re-O Week is solid, and I want to make sure that it’s something that welcomes students back and throws a little bit of a party. The focus is going to be on the end of the year for providing something better,” said Moore. “To date, we haven’t fronted up, and that’s a lot to do with capacity, and organisation, and the funding we’ve received. But, we’re going to make it better.” Planning for the end-of-year event has begun, with the event being marketed as a celebration of students’ achievements and an encouragement for returning to study the following year. Planning for O-Week 2014 has also begun, with VUWSA hoping to build excitement for next year’s O-Week through this year’s end-of-year events. “I think some students do [value ReOrientation]; we’ve got to make sure that we’re getting those students involved, but we’ve got to make sure there’s events throughout the year, it’s not just about Re-Orientation,” said McCourt. “If a students’ association can’t put on great events and engage with its members, it probably shouldn’t exist”. McCourt promised events throughout the year in his Salient column on 11 March, stating he wanted to make Victoria “a more fun, vibrant place” through “articulating a vision for an O-Week that includes everyone (not just firstyears) and planning sick events throughout the year”. However, the only sick event so far has been the flu jabs. Further details regarding VUWSA ReOrientation Week events are expected to be announced soon. The University will be organising its usual Re-Orientation events, including Clubs Week.

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NEWS

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Judges, Juries and Duress Webb of Uncertainty Around Jury Duty Jess Legg

Victoria student Skye Webb was left behind in her studies and seeking medical help for stress after confusion over a jury summons. Ms Webb, originally from Whangarei, was told she had to complete jury service while back home on a study break. Webb sent a letter from the University explaining that she was a full-time student whose studies would suffer if she was forced to do jury service. She also claimed to have sent a copy of her tenancy agreement to the Ministry of Justice to prove that she now lives in Wellington, and thus could not be called upon to complete jury service in her hometown. Despite this, Ms Webb was called by a court staff member and required to attend, being selected on the jury. After managing to explain her circumstances to the judge, she was granted leave from service but nonetheless asked to return later in the week which she refused to do, instead heading back to Wellington. “I wasted three days worrying about getting out of it and when I went back to Wellington, I'd managed to complete only two of my projects and had to request an extension of time for another. "I also had to see my GP because of stress, and get some sleeping pills because I hadn't been sleeping well," she said. General Manager for District Courts Tony Fisher claimed that the Ministry did not receive evidence that Ms Webb was now living in Wellington.

Your Rights Around Jury Service Application to Registrar: You can appeal to the Registrar on the grounds that jury service would interfere with your studies. You may need to provide evidence such as a copy of your exam timetable or a letter from the University. Other reasons you may be excused include family commitments, health concerns, disability, or bereavement. Appeal to judge from the Registrar’s decision: If the Registrar refuses your application, you can make an oral submission to the judge or ask the Registrar to make a written submission to the judge. Application to the judge directly: Even if you didn’t apply to the Registrar, you can explain directly to the judge any reasons why you feel you should not have to complete service. If you do end up serving on a jury, you have a right to: • Be warned if jury service will last more than one week. • Be reimbursed for costs associated with your service.

SURPLUS SURE PLUS? Students seeing negatives Megan Beattie

As the cost of going to university continues to rise, a massive surplus in the tertiary-education sector has been recorded.

the Student Loan and Allowance Schemes, which come under Social Development spending.

Publicly owned tertiary institutions collectively recorded a surplus of $157.9 million in 2012, latest figures from the Tertiary Education Commission show. This is an increase of 43 per cent since 2008.

VUWSA President Rory McCourt believes that universities could do more with their surplus, including more tutorials, higher staff-to-student ratios, and working with the regional council to provide cheaper student fares. Victoria’s surplus is currently $16 million.

Meanwhile, both course fees and the Student Services Levy (Victoria’s is currently at $676 per student) continue to rise each year. The Student Services Levy can only rise by four per cent each year, a maximum rate that Victoria consistently hits. It is not yet known how much Victoria’s 2014 Levy will be.

“The massive surplus indicates to me that institutions are either stocking up for a rainy day under a Government that has starved universities of funding, or the policy settings are wrong and universities like Vic aren't entirely upfront when they ask for the highest possible (and more) fee increases year on year,” McCourt said.

Minister for Tertiary Education, Skills and Employment Steven Joyce says the Government invested $2.2 billion in publicly owned tertiary institutions in the year ending 31 December 2012, despite tough financial times. This excludes

Last week’s Budget also introduced a crackdown on overseas borrowers and mature students. Overseas borrowers will face fixed repayment obligations, stricter repayment thresholds and sanctions for serious defaulters, including border

10 

arrest for the worst offenders. $30 million of Government support will be cut from the Student Allowance Scheme, with eligibility tightened for older students. New Zealand’s tertiary-education surplus reflects the National Government’s efforts to make the tertiary sector more business-oriented, most recently through a review of the PerformanceBased Research Fund.

$$

 NEWS

No bonus about it Students give back Lydia Nobbs

Student-Loan-holders have capitalised on the last opportunity to claim the voluntary ten-percent repayment bonus, with millions repaid in time to beat the cutoff.

Minister of Revenue Peter Dunne says the rise in repayments can be attributed to the end of the repayment bonus; a rise he does not foresee occurring again in future.

Recently released Treasury figures show Student-Loan repayments for the nine months ending in March were almost $109 million higher than expected. This figure represents 0.8 per cent of the $13.5 billion owed in Student Loans.

“Some of that is undoubtedly a one-off as a result of people paying more before the end of the repayment-bonus programme at the end of March,” he said.

The voluntary repayment bonus was cancelled in the 2012 Budget, a change which came into effect on 1 April 2013. Previously, StudentLoan-holders who paid off $500 or more on top of their obligatory repayments qualified for an additional ten-per-cent bonus credited to their loan account. Overall, borrowers repaid $812 million in the year to March 2013, $263.4 million more than in the same period last year.

Student-Loan-holders Salient spoke to had known about the repayment-bonus scheme, but weren’t able to use it, because they didn’t have the extra cash to spare. “Although [the bonus] was much higher than interest I would get in a bank account, I didn’t have that much saved. It would have saved me about $500.

Another mentioned that “it seemed like a good incentive in principle”, but held that it just ended up providing wealthy people an opportunity to save money off the scheme. “The reality for most graduates is that lumpsum repayments are not really possible unless you’ve saved a lot throughout your studies or have generous parents.” Other changes to the Student Loan Scheme which have come into effect recently include the increase in the repayment rate from ten to 12 cents in every dollar earned over the threshold. The Government is expected to announce further initiatives aimed at recovering loans from overseas-based borrowers soon.

“I decided I’d rather have that money to spend now than see my Student Loan get marginally smaller,” one said.

 11

NEWS



Critic Editor Receives Pay Out Criticises Everyone Else for Paying Him Out

this week's

ions

iPredict is a prediction market run by Victoria University.

Molly McCarthy & Stella Blake-Kelly

The settlement may be signed, but the war isn’t over for outgoing Critic Editor Callum Fredric.

relations, along with concerns about frequent lateness to and absence from the office.

Fredric reached an out-of-court settlement with Otago University Students’ Association (OUSA) just over a week ago, giving up his determined bid to be reinstated to the role following suspension early this month.

Fredric challenged the suspension on the basis that it was unlawful and completely unjustified, as he was not given any prior warning or opportunity to comment, and that the complaints raised should have been dealt with in a performance-management, rather than disciplinary, process.

However despite the settlement, Fredric has continued to be involved with student media. In the days following the agreement, Fredric informed Salient that the coverage of the issue was defamatory, and last Thursday issued Critic with a letter from his lawyer warning against their “intended publication of defamatory statements”. As reported earlier in Salient, Fredric was placed on interim suspension early this month pending investigation, and later filed a claim with the Employment Relations Authority (ERA) challenging the suspension by OUSA General Manager Darel Hall. A hearing was set down for Monday 20 May, but was cancelled due to the settlement. Under the terms of the agreement the sum of the settlement is confidential, and when spoken to by Salient, Fredric refused to confirm any figures. However, sources close to the organisation have said that the settlement was around $35,000, which is slightly less than a year’s salary for the Critic Editor. An employment relations disputes specialist spoken to by Salient said that this figure was significantly higher than an average settlement sum. In a meeting with Hall on Friday 3 May, Fredric was informed that he would be suspended “on an interim basis” until the following Tuesday, when Hall would make a final decision as to whether Fredric would remain suspended while Hall investigated complaints from five members of both Critic and OUSA staff. Hall also instructed Fredric not to speak to Critic staff nor to return to the premises without express permission. In a letter given to Fredric at the meeting, Hall cited potential health-and-safety issues to staff due to long hours of work and risks to Critic’s business 12 

In the affidavit filed in support of his ERA claim, Fredric rejected Hall’s suggestion that the allegations were serious enough to give rise to suspension. Fredric said that staff healthand-safety and business relations would not be affected by his return to work. In response to the allegations about his hours of work, Fredric wrote that flexible working hours had been common for many years at Critic, and although he may not always be present in the office, he continued to work an average of 60 hours every week. If reinstated, Fredric offered to “cooperate fully with the process of dealing with complaints”, and work under any reasonable conditions placed on him. When contacted by Salient last week for further comment on the allegations outlined in the complaints, Fredric said that he would not “respond to documents that have been leaked to the media”. “I’ve provided a comprehensive response to OUSA refuting the allegations... After I gave my response OUSA and I reached a satisfactory settlement. I’m not going to say anything further.” The employment issue became public knowledge after police were called to the Critic offices on Monday 6 May, when Fredric refused to leave after being issued with a Trespass Notice by a Campus Watch guard. Fredric was attempting to attend a staff meeting at the Critic offices in order to explain the situation to staff, and ensure that his reputation wasn’t damaged. Acting Editor Sam McChesney oversaw the production of the last issue of the semester last week. Applications for the role are open until Wednesday 29 May.

Fare Concessions for Wellington Tertiary Students in 2013

62%

John Morrison to be elected Mayor of Wellington

45%

NASA to announce the discovery of extraterrestrial life before 1 Jan 2014

5%

Brendan Horan to face prosecution

66%

Budget surplus in 2014/15

38%

 NEWS

International Students Have Nice Figures University eyeing them up Alex Lewin

International students are worth more now than ever, with recent figures showing each student is worth thousands to the university they attend. An international student can be a lucrative source of revenue for a university, with international students worth between $6000 and $12,000 each, according to recent figures from Education New Zealand. Victoria currently has low numbers of international students, with poor enrolments making the University vulnerable to financial risks associated with having fewer full-feepaying students. As previously reported in Salient, Victoria has not met its enrolment targets for international students yet for this year. In the period up to 28 February, Victoria had only reached 76.4 per cent of its international student targets, placing the University at financial risk. When setting fees in September last year, the University Council said international students were worth far more compared to domestic students. Victoria University received

LOL

NEWS

CHROFLIS MCLOLNTYRE

DEAD SHOCKED A Tasmanian man who set up a hidden camera to record ghosts, instead caught something quite different, but equally as paranormal: his 28-yearold girlfriend kissing and cuddling his 16-year-old son. Upon questioning, his son revealed the pair had had sex three times. ‘Reputable’ news agency Huffington Post contacted a ‘reputable’ paranormal investigator, who offered the following: "Maybe the ghost in question in their home brought this on? Maybe there was an invisible negative presence egging on the sexual desires?" Salient disagrees; negs don’t work. MAL-PRACTICE Mally, formerly Justin Bieber’s pet monkey, now belongs to German customs after a deadline for repatriation lapsed. As previously reported in LOL News, Bieber’s monkey was confiscated by

$23 million more from international students last year than it did from the same number of domestic students. The high cost of tuition for international students is the product of a number of factors, including cultural barriers and less Government support. The costs of teaching international students were greater than domestic students, as differing language abilities and cultural backgrounds have to be accounted for. Victoria had 814 international students attending last year, with numbers unconfirmed this year. Salient spoke to an international student from Vietnam, who found the price of tertiary education in New Zealand quite high. "We already pay a lot and I don't think it's fair. A lot of us come from a poor country," he said. "It is hard and expensive to live here already as an international student." Over 23,000 Chinese students attended university in New Zealand in 2011, making China the largest source of international students in New Zealand.

German customs as the capuchin did not have the appropriate vaccinations and paperwork. Bieber is fresh from a topless appearance at a Poland airport, having to defend his “craft” as “no gimmick” to booing fans at an awards ceremony, Instagramming a photo of him drinking beer, and tweeting about drug legalisation, all of which beg the question: will the tabloid press be able to find an angle in all of this? SEEMS LEGIT Pope Francis has been accused of talking to the Devil, after performing what was apparently an exorcism on a wheelchair-bound man attending a mass at St Peter’s Square, Vatican City. Exorcists from around the world insisted the Pope—who is God’s representative on Earth, as chosen by 100 or so virgin men locked in a room—had indeed “taken on the forces of evil” head on. The work of the Devil had manifested as precisely four demons, which were removed from the man via the Pope’s hands as he rested his palms on the man’s head for approximately 15 seconds. If this doesn’t sound like LOL News to you, read it again.

stay classy, world Apple has defended allegations of dodging billions in tax payments, at a Senate hearing in Washington, D.C. “It’s iPad, not iPaid,” said CEO Tim Cook.

The Pistorius family’s legged son, brother of Oscar, has been acquitted on a charge of culpable homicide in what may be the highlight of the family Christmas letter.

The UK’s equal marriage bill has been passed by the House of Commons 366 votes to 161. Daffyd Thomas, the only gay in the village, is said to be outraged at the decision.

Syrian forces have exchanged fire with Israeli forces near the occupied Golan Heights region. Israeli military reported its troops returned “precise fire”, though the injury count of zero begs to differ.

Wellingtonians have begun to notice seasonal changes in the weather, prompting many to remark on these trends to casual acquaintances in passing conversations.

headlines that weren't Ferrous wheel “big hit” at science fair Mute not aloud at library Lazy flautist accused of picking low-hanging flute Moose smuggler denies terrorism charge despite links to elk-hider Citrus found guilty at Court of a peel —@chrisiswhoiam

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POLITICS 

left JOHN KEY IS A 

P O L I

By Carla Marks The holiest day on the calendar for political nerds is Budget Day. Sadly, two weeks ago we saw a budget with no real new ideas, no big plans to help New Zealanders and a dodgy surplus thrown together by petrol taxes and making cuts to Student Allowance. It was all pretty shit. But what’s shittier is the ‘trash’ they threw out with the Budget. You see, as we all get excited about the Budget, the Government can get away with doing some less popular lawmaking without drawing too much attention. This year we have seen the Government adopt the truly astounding position of giving zero fucks about democracy. It started on Tuesday of Budget Week. Judith Collins announced that there would be no changes to the MMP system. In 2011, 57 per cent of Kiwis voted to keep MMP, on the understanding that a review would result in improvements to the system. The review received over 1000 submissions and proposed making minor changes to make our elections more democratic. Collins proceeded to send one letter to other parties asking if they supported the changes. There was broad support from all parties, except for her own. As a result, she threw out the recommendations, making a joke of the review process in order to make future National-led Governments more likely. On Friday our democracy took a second blow. The House sat on a Friday (unusual) to pass a Bill that bans protest around oil-drilling operations (undemocratic) without the Bill being sent to select committee for public consultation (unconscionable). Using urgency for this Bill is inexcusable, and is no more than an attempt to sweep bad law under a thick layer of Budget crap. The law did not need to be urgently changed and it is unthinkable to bypass public consultation for a Bill which curtails democratic rights. On Saturday came the final blow. In a desperate attempt to scrape together a surplus in their Budget, the Government changed the law so that those who care for disabled family members no longer receive payment. It means that strangers taking care of disabled people will be paid, but family members doing the same job get nothing. This law overruled a decision made by the Court of Appeal. The Bill was introduced to the House on the same day it was passed. It had no consultation, and key parts of the documentation accompanying the Bill were blacked out as “legally privileged”. Wers. But it gets worse. The Government's own chief legal advisor, the Attorney-General, officially advised that the law is contrary to the Bill of Rights. And in a move to really kick the most needy squarely where it hurts, the law also expressly prevents further legal action being taken. So, it’s a discriminatory law but if you want to challenge anything about it in court, you’re shit out of luck. National: Three New Zealand's Democracy: Nil

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al politic

 POLITICS

T I C S The JuCo Edition caption me! Send us your best caption for this picture to editor@salient. org.nz, subject line: 'Caption Contest', by 5 pm Thursday.

Best caption wins a free coffee at:

Last week's winner: “Bitch, I might be!”

RIGHT Urgent- With Apologies to Foreigner, Who Kick Ass By Freddie Hayek While I would like to write a column about kickass 80s rock bands, like Foreigner, Motley Crue and Whitesnake, I am here to spin yarns about politics.* This week’s topic is the sanctimonious bleating of the leftist complex about the Government’s use of the urgency procedure in parliament. Parliament usually sits from 2 until 10 pm on Tuesday and Wednesday, and until 6 pm on Thursday. If the Government wishes for debates to extend beyond these sitting hours, this is called “urgency”. Urgency comes in two distinct flavours. The main effect of normal urgency is that a Bill can pass through more than one reading in a day of Parliament sitting. The House can also sit long on Thursday nights until 10 pm, start at 9 am the following day, and then sit until 12 am to use up the urgency hours. The second kind of urgency is called ‘extraordinary urgency’ (super-duper urgency). This is harder for the Government to get, as it requires the Speaker’s permission, and usually the informal agreement of the opposition parties. The House sits until the Bill has passed. Both kinds of urgency provide the capacity for Select Committees to be bypassed. If my memory serves me correctly, the last time super-duper urgency was used was to whack up taxes on cigarettes overnight by Tariana Turia. Pretty sneaky sis!

WINNER: Congratulations HARRY!! We'll be in touch about that coffee.

she said what!? @_stella_bk: @JudithCollinsMP how did you know the left wasn't for you anymore, and decided to become a lady of the right? @JudithCollinsMP: @_stella_bk Because I met them & I realised that they cared about power 4 themselves not about the people who needed help. @JudithCollinsMP: @_stella_bk And National, 4 all their faults, value freedom & courage & independence. The Nats don't demand servitude. They have integrity @LolNoKyle: Um, has Judith Collins been hacked though? #tragic @JudithCollinsMP: @LolNoKyle NO. It is I @danylmc: @JudithCollinsMP You're walking through the desert and you see a turtle lying on its back, struggling. You don't help it. Why is that? @JudithCollinsMP: @danylmc It's going to die anyway?

Labour has complained about the use of urgency in recent times, particularly for the partial privatisation of state-owned enterprises. This is despite the fact that when the Fourth Labour Government sold most of the state-owned assets, they too did it under urgency. There is a word starting with ‘h’ for that. Truth be told, the Fifth Labour Government (Clark et al) used urgency a whole bunch to pass legislation with minimal scrutiny as well. The first term of the Fifth National Government, comparatively, used urgency to an equal or lesser extent. In this second term which we are now all living through, the use of urgency has actually decreased. Why? Because National consulted with other parties on the Standing Orders Committee (which deals with the House’s Standing Orders), and reached an agreement whereby they can now extend sitting hours on a Wednesday or Thursday morning from 9 am to 1 pm, without putting the house into urgency. This is particularly good for the passing of Bills relating to the Treaty of Waitangi settlement process. If you wish to read more about urgency, I suggest What's the Hurry? Urgency in the New Zealand Legislative Process 1987-2010 by Geiringer, Higbee, and McLeay (Wellington, Victoria University Press, 2011). *This expression comes from when uncouth shearers would come in to eat dinner and ‘spin yarns’ full of swearing and tales of vice in 19th-century New Zealand.t

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CAMPUS DIGEST

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CAMPUS DIGEST Campus Diary Tuatara's Company, Three's a Crowd A smiling VUW tuatara (or, VUWatara) has killed it with the likes on the Overheard @ Vic Facebook page. Victoria has three tuataras, which don’t move much but seem pretty happy regardless. Though co-editor Molly McCarthy once saw them having sex, the reality is there aren’t four-ataras, challenging common knowledge which suggests dolphins and humans are the only two animals which have sex for pleasure.

Stage Off Goes Off Last Thursday saw first-years celebrate the passing of Louisa Wall’s Marriage Equality Bill at the annual Hall of Residence Stage Off. Heavy homosexual undertones ran rife through the performances, as did haircuts likely to be regretted by their owners in two to four years’ time. The highlight was a lone Weir House resident who sang to her acoustic guitar, moving one audience member to the good kind of tears, and becoming the only act to gain more applause than the security guard. Unfortunately no Salient reporters were available when the 2013 champions were named, but we’re sure that valuable first year experience was the winner on the day.

16 

A-Sleep on the Job DebSoc put spectators to James Sleep at an event last week. Luckily, only 15 of them turned up to see the Council of Trade Unions’ James Sleep debate the New Zealand Initiative’s Luke Malpass on the Living Wage campaign. Current and former DebSoc members also debated the motion, but the outcome of the debate appeared to be a moot point—the audience was dismissed without a winning team being announced. “You guys can just go now,” President Jodie O’Neill said defeatedly.

 CAMPUS DIGEST

get amongst "the best"

GOING UP

Overheard @ Vic:

Twitter:

James Griffin In the middle of Management 205 lecture, girl shouting "Can you shut the fuck up or get out"

Ben Carswell @bcarswell I believe Jesus is not only relevant here but vital for here. He changes lives & gives purpose. #vicuni

Campus Hub productivity – when all else fails, dig a big hole

Hilary Capon Overheard @ LAWS121 tutorial ... Tutor's question of the day "If it was world war three and you were trapped in a bunker with your family and friends, but had room for one other person who would you take?" Girl responds: "Anne Frank because she has experience in that sort of situation" Rachel Skudder overheard in comp room: "I think I've charmed my lecturer which is like such a good investment!" Bryttni Gillum-Taylor Overheard in JAPA115: Teacher (in Japanese): "I am tea. I will enter the hot water" while trying to demonstrate that the class was using the wrong verb. Rex Edlïn Overseen: Rory McCourt gets his mother to pump his petrol at BP. Sarah Shuttleworth CHAOS at all the library printers 15 minutes before an obviously important 100 level paper is due. Vinko Florence Kerr-Harris Over heard in a Soviet History tutorial: Someone trying to argue that the west should have taken their chances with disarmerment and hoping that the USSR would follow suit... "Because YOLO"

Opportunities to work at Salient – check out the ad on page 41

Sleep deprivation/amount of time spent online

mitch @mitchyyyyy Someone on the bus just said VOOWSA instead of VUWSA. Disgraceful. Gus Hodgson @angusbhodgson A significant portion of my BA saw me chair-dancing in libraries to music in headphones. Good to see that still applies with Architecture.

ask the magic 8 ball Will the Campus Hub ever get finished? Cannot predict now

GOING DOWN The temperature – it’s not going to get colder than this, right? Likelihood the University will get a cat – stinkbuzz Critic editors

Health tip #

11

To create an apple a day calm and enhance your study ….. get some sleep! With assignment due dates and examinations looming it is tempting to pull all-nighters.

1) Pharrell

SALIENT RATES: over 40s

2) selma hayek 3) Jeff Goldblum 4) Ira Glass 5) Alan Gamlen

An occasional all-nighter is usually okay, but on-going lack of sleep can increase stress levels. Lack of sleep can contribute to mood changes including anxiety and depression, put people at increased risk of accidents, contribute to misunderstandings with flatmates and friends and generally make life miserable and more difficult than it has to be. Most importantly for students poor sleep makes it harder to learn and process new information. For tips to improve your sleep visit the Counselling Service website, they even have a Sleep Group programme you can attend. It is called Sleep – the basics.

 17

FEATURES • ϟ

aliens—the real beasts of blenheim? New Zealand's history with the cosmic

UFOs! Little grey men! The insertion of probes into delicate parts of the body! People who claim to have seen visitors from the cosmos don't get a great rap. But this is a little unfair. Nobody knows what’s out there—not really.

18 

In 2010, the Government released a colossal document containing some 2000 redacted pages of previously classified information, regarding extraterrestrial encounters. Presumably, if the Ministry of Defence thought that there was anything to those cases, they wouldn’t have been so open with them. Even so, the document is a fascinating look at New Zealand’s history with the cosmic. The documents are in turn comedic, terrifying, and dull. What we can say now with absolute certainty is that New Zealand is either the object of much alien attention, or it is populated with very excitable people. If you’re interested in having a peek for yourself, the documents are easily accessed on the internet. What is striking about many of these documents is that a large portion of them are requests by members of the public for

PATRICK HUNN

information about extraterrestrial activity. The replies, largely from the Royal New Zealand Air Force, are harassed in tone. For instance, in a series of slightly manic letters totalling several hundred pages over a number of years, a Christchurch resident educated the Air Force on the ‘Ethology of Light’, a species of beings living in another universe... Or at least that would seem to be the case. It is a little bit tricky to tell what is going on there. These documents were returned to the sender with a very polite response attached. In most instances, the RNZAF would thank the person accusing them of harbouring secrets for their time, and point out that the Air Force very rarely investigated UFO sightings, unless explicitly asked to do so by the Government. The letters from this particular individual are both mesmerising and terrifying – at one point an alien race are described as wearing

ϟ • FEATURES

There are raving messages predicting the end of days, there are schematics for alien weaponry, and there are letters from dreadfully embarrassed housewives from Roseneath. size-440 shoes. Mostly, however, they make the reader want to hide behind the sofa. “Suffer little children to come to me,” they write: “Dear old Dad grows you into the situation he desires.” In the early 1960s, the Ministry of Defence set up a UFO Investigation Task Force, whose membership was sourced from the Intelligence division of the Air Force, and meteorological bodies. The idea was to have a body that could provide banal explanations for the extraordinary. It only met once or twice a year, and there is little evidence (at the moment, anyway) that any UFO reportage resulted in an official investigation. One rare occasion where there was a full-scale investigation was in the instance of the 1978 Kaikoura lights. In what is probably our most famous brush with the unknown, several people on a cargo flight reported being ‘chased’ by illuminations that were not easily explained. There are a variety of explanations for the event according to the Ministry of Defence: the light from fishing boats reflected on the clouds, for instance; or that of trains, cars or Venus. What is not so easily explained, however, is the fact that both the plane’s onboard radar and Wellington Flight Control were able to track the movement of the objects. A report commissioned into the flight exhaustively, inconclusively, and in clinical detail, lays out every conceivable possibility of what might explain the events of that night.

the public. The UFO Focus New Zealand Research Network, which seems to be the largest group of this kind, declined to be interviewed. If there is a thriving community, it is an insular one. UFOCUS NZ accepts reports of sightings and catalogues them openly on their website. The frequency varies, but there are several recorded events every week. For the most part, these consist of mysterious lights. Recently, it appears as if there has been a spike in such occurrences. UFO sightings seem to happen in concentrations. This is presumably because either: a) an infectious strain of hysteria leads to groups of people making each other very excitable, and open to interpreting phenomena in a certain way, or b) alien operations are, for whatever

reason, concentrated in a single area. In one instance, The Press reported a rash of extraterrestrial sightings in Blenheim. Spookily, a Christchurch man reported seeing a “shimmering figure” floating over the middle of the road. He vowed to never return to the same place. Of the released information, most consists of sheepish correspondence from people who admit, in an embarrassed fashion, to what they have witnessed.

It is difficult to tell if there is much of a ‘UFO community’ in New Zealand. Most reports of encounters in the information release come from individual members of

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FEATURES • ϟ

One makes it very clear that they are a “responsible person in a responsible job,” who is “sick of people thinking I have been ‘seeing things’”. Meanwhile, a Mr H. E. Wright, who was particularly interested in what had been happening in Blenheim, and who claims to be authoring a book on UFOs despite having a slippery grasp of grammar, insists in a letter that all relevant information be handed over to him under the “PROVINENCE [sic] OF THE SPECIAL U,F,O, ACT SIGNED 50 YEARS AGO BY ALL GOVERNMENTS.” Maybe Mr Wright knows something we do not? Mr Key, we demand answers. Other correspondence has little to do with UFOs at all. Rather, several members of the public contacted the military with offers to design and produce technology based on alien knowledge for them. One person claims to have spent 12 years developing a Quantum Dynamics flying machine based on decoded text taken from an image of a machine that was several thousand years old, and which featured

20 

In one instance, The Press reported a rash of extraterrestrial sightings in blenheim. archaic text that he himself had translated. Another offers the military advanced alien weaponry the man dubs the JAFA (for Jet Acoustic Frequency Attack); when rebuffed, he huffily claims he will take his arms elsewhere. Unfortunately for him, he included several detailed drawings with his letters. Another complains that “we are having problems with maniac planning in the dairy industry”, and that “the new kauri complex in Northland is not capable of using cosmic forcefall technology.” The writer closes his letter by reminding the Ministry of Defence that “there must be a cessation of psychiatric treatment and injections as I cannot fly a UFO when full of

needle holes from hypodermic syringes,” and by signing off with “Yours Sincerely, Royal Monarch Commander.” There is too much contained in the release to share in one sitting. Invariably, for the casual reader, the best bits are going to be missed. There are raving messages predicting the end of days, there are schematics for alien weaponry, and there are letters from dreadfully embarrassed housewives from Roseneath. Taking a glance at them is a worthwhile exercise. After all, it is nice to think that Blenheim might be the most attractive place on earth for otherworldly beings.

ϟ • FEATURES

universal truths By Matthew Ellison

Come with me now on a journey through time and space… Let’s start by getting a little perspective. The Earth is 12,742 km in diameter and has a mass of about six trillion trillion kg. The Earth is a pretty big thing. Except, it’s not really that big. There are lots of things bigger than the Earth. Jupiter, the biggest planet in the Solar System, has a diameter of 140,000 km (a little over ten times the width of the Earth) and its mass is over 300 times that of the Earth. Jupiter is a pretty big thing. The Sun, though; now that’s a big thing. The Sun is 109 times wider than the Earth, and its mass is 330,000 times the Earth’s. It’s also not orange, or yellow—the Sun is white. Pictures you see of it in other colours are artificially coloured, either because that makes it easier to use the picture for science, or because it makes it look prettier. The Earth’s atmosphere can filter things a little strangely too, which is why it can sometimes appear differently coloured to us. The largest known star, NML Cygni, is 1650 times the width of the Sun. Try to visualise it. Try harder. Are you feeling small yet? And that star still looks ridiculously small compared to the galaxy it’s in. A galaxy is pretty big, I guess. Bigger than you anyway. Has anything you’ve ever done really

mattered? These stars will keep on burning anyway. Sorry—this sort of thing leaves me feeling really existential.

The Ultimate Fate of the Universe 13.8 billion years ago, an infinitely small, infinitely dense dot, which contained all the mass in the Universe, expanded rapidly. Like, really rapidly. The whole Universe was packed together in such a small space that the laws of physics as we understand them didn’t apply, and gravity was all mushed up with electromagnetism and the strong and weak nuclear forces. In the tiny fractions of a second after the Big Bang, particles were able to form, and within minutes they were able to combine to form nuclei. 380,000 years after the Big Bang the cosmic microwave background radiation, a constant type of radiation which fills the Universe almost uniformly, formed. Because light (and other radiation) travels at a finite speed, when we measure radiation from far away, we’re also looking back in time. And since cosmic background radiation is detectable, we can actually see back in time to relatively close to the Big Bang.

Particles stabilised, and actual structures could start to form, like stars and planets, which were born in huge gas clouds which slowly coalesced under the force of gravity. The Universe is expanding, and has been doing so for all 13.8 billion years of its existence. We know this because when we look out into the sky we see every galaxy moving away from us, which is what you’d expect if the Universe was expanding. The galaxies aren’t just moving away from each other at a constant speed, though— they’re accelerating. The rate of expansion of the entire Universe is actually increasing. There is a growing consensus that the Universe will keep on expanding forever, or at least until the end of the Universe. The most widely accepted theory is nicknamed the Big Freeze, in which the Universe cools as it expands, eventually becoming too cold to sustain life, leading ultimately to the heat death of the Universe. “Until the eventual heat death of the Universe” is accordingly one of the best hyperboles to drop into a conversation. The Sun is 4.57 billion years old (only slightly older than the Earth, because they formed as part of the same process) and is currently halfway through the most stable phase in its existence (the main sequence stage) where it will stay for another 5.4 billion years. At the

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end of the phase, the Sun’s luminosity will have doubled, and once the hydrogen core of the Sun is extinguished it will slowly double in size, before expanding faster until it is 200 times its current size and thousands of times brighter.

have been boiled away a long time ago by the hotter, larger Sun. At the end of its life the Sun will shrink down, ejecting matter like nobody’s business, until it ends up as a small, bright lump called a white dwarf.

The Sun will stay here as a red giant for about a billion years, and then in the last few million years of its life it will shrink back to about ten times the current size, and then once the helium is all burned up it will expand again, but more rapidly this time, engulfing the orbits of the inner planets of the Solar System, including the Earth. Not that the Earth will have anything on it to watch this—the water and the life will

Right now the Universe is 13.8 billion years old. At about 17 billion years old, the Milky Way and the Andromeda galaxy may collide with each other and merge into a larger galaxy. After about a trillion years (that’s a million billion years—100 times the current age of the Universe) all the galaxies in the Local Group (that’s us and all our neighbouring galaxies) will merge into one big galaxy.

Black holes can grow by consuming matter, which they do endlessly. Black holes feel no remorse as they permanently remove matter from space. They are the perfect predator.

At two trillion years, the galaxies outside the massive lump that we’re in will be moving away from us so quickly that we’ll be unable to detect them. We’ll be pretty lonely. By 100 trillion years, stars won’t be forming anymore, and the longest-lived existing stars will be slowly dying out over the next ten trillion years until all that’s left are lumps of rock and white dwarfs. In this dark Universe, the orbits of planets will decay and the remnants of stars will fall gradually into black holes or be ejected from our decaying galaxy cluster. Matter will break down nearly completely as nucleons (protons and neutrons) decay, until all that is left are photons, leptons, and black holes, which will eventually evaporate by Hawking radiation as the Universe slowly, inexorably, grinds to a cold, dead halt. Not all hope is lost though! There’s still plenty of cool stuff to see on our tour. When some types of star die (bigger ones than our Sun), rather than expanding then shrinking to a small white ball, their core collapses (sometimes with and sometimes without a huge explosion called a supernova). This occurs when the star’s internal pressure from nuclear fusion becomes insufficient to counteract its own gravity, and it collapses in on itself. The black hole that results is the most terrifying thing in all of creation. A black hole is an object so dense that its gravitational pull is strong enough to stop light (the fastest thing in the Universe) from escaping, hence the name. Black holes can grow by consuming matter, which they do endlessly. They can also merge to form larger, more viciously hungry black holes. Black holes feel no remorse as they permanently remove matter from space. They are the perfect predator.

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But maybe there’s a silver lining. There’s (almost certainly) a supermassive black hole at the centre of most galaxies, giving them something to spin around. There’s one at the centre of the Milky Way anyway, and we’re not anywhere close to it. My all-time favourite fact about the Universe (not including biology ones—some aphids are born pregnant with clones of themselves! There is a whole species of lesbian lizards!) is that gravity distorts time, as well as space. And what has a lot of gravity? Black holes have a lot of gravity. Gravitational time dilation is the difference in the time that elapses between two events measured by different observers at different gravitational potentials. In layman’s terms, the closer you are to a black hole (or some other mass—but it’s most noticeable with more gravity), the slower time passes. This has been proven by an experiment with super-accurate atomic clocks at different altitudes (and therefore experiencing the pull of the Earth’s gravity differently), with the further-away one showing it moved through time faster. Of course if you’re close enough to a black hole to observe this effect on a normal scale, then you’re probably also dead, but it’s still cool.

d en

s

There’s a lot of big scary stuff out there, but most of it is pretty far away and we’re just taking our first steps out into the cold.

travel faster than the speed of light (or above warp 1) time reverses, though Star Trek mostly ignores this.

Did you know that only 12 people have walked on the Moon? In each of the six manned Moon landings (all by NASA, all between 1969 and 1972) there was a third person who stayed behind in the capsule. All were white men (surprise!). 11 of the 12 walkers were boy scouts too, so make of that what you will. We also don’t currently have the capacity to send anyone to the Moon, which kind of bums me out, though there’s a manned mission to Mars in the works, which I’m very excited about!

If you don’t have a warp drive, or a hyperdrive even, all hope is not lost. Traversable wormholes might not be impossible, though their existence is far from proven. A wormhole is a hypothetical shortcut through space and time (or, more accurately, spacetime, since they’re part of the same thing) and Einstein’s general relativity predicts that if they exist, they could allow your spaceship to travel through time as well as space. No TARDIS necessary.

Humans have been busy in other ways too, sending probes out left right and centre.Voyager 1 is the furthest from us, travelling at 17.26 km per second, and now in completely uncharted space. It’s the furthest-away man-made thing out there, and it’s still useful to us, despite having been launched in 1977. Just last year, in fact, it discovered a previously unknown region of space at the edge of the Solar System. This has all been a bit, well, normal up until now. So let’s lean back in the captain’s chair and give the order to engage the warp drive.

This is how the jump drives in Battlestar Galactica and hyperdrives in Star Wars seem to work—by bending two points in spacetime to be near each other and hopping between them, rather than going the long way around. The timescales involved in cosmology are gargantuan, and we are so young. Provided we don’t blow ourselves up anytime soon, it won’t be too long before we have colonies on other planets in our Solar System, and from there… who knows? The final frontier has been waiting for us for a long time. Let’s see what it’s got in store for us.

When you travel fast, like, really fast, some pretty strange things start to happen. The best one is that time mucks up again, like it does when there’s too much gravity. This effect is called time dilation and is predicted by Einstein’s general theory of relativity. The closer you get to the speed of light (which is the same everywhere and is 300 million metres per second), the slower time gets. When travelling at exactly the speed of light, time appears to stop. This requires an infinite amount of energy… unless you have a (totally real) warp drive. Theoretically, if you were to

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The Salient Guide to the Zodiac Here at Salient we take astrology (as with all of the sciences) very srsly. We already judge people based on what they wear, say, eat, listen to, and update their Facebook about, so why not look to the stars to take a little mystery out of your personal relationships? Here is the Salient guide to the zodiac for beginners. We’ve also included a love-and-sex matchmaker, so if you’re in a hurry to find out if they’re THE ONE, quickly Facebook-stalk the birthday of your current lover/crush/ friend-with-benefits and find out if the two of you are star-cross’d lovers.

Aquarius  Ruled by Uranus, Aquarians are the forwardthinking trendsetters of the zodiac. They are often quite book-smart, and tend to study hard. As an Aquarian you'll most likely have a quirky fashion sense and get a little bit crazy sometimes. They like to use their intellect to help people, and often fall into careers like law, humanitarian work, political activism, or rocket science. Celebrity Aquarian: Dancing for her audiences while at the same time promoting the budding careers of eight-year-old Nicki Minaj impersonators, Ellen DeGeneres is the perfect example of a quirky, humanitarian Aquarian.

Jan 21 - Feb 18

Hates - Small-mindedness - People with their heads in the clouds - Miscommunication

Loves - Technology - New ideas - Ur anus

Love and sex with an Aquarian: Good communication is the key to a successful relationship with an Aquarian. They’ll love a partner who matches them intellectually and is open to exploring new things. Given their love for the quirky they’ll probably enjoy some kinky dress-ups (think naughty aid worker or randy rocket scientist).

gemini  Gemini are the social butterflies: they flit from friendgroup to friend-group endlessly and are the life of the party. Although Gemini make great friends and are loyal, they can also be regarded as rather self-centred, and it can be hard to capture their attention for long! Symbolised by the twins, Gemini can be at once self-assured and cocky, while at the same time deeply insecure. Celebrity Gemini: You’d be hard-pressed to find someone who is a bigger fan of Kanye West than Yeezy himself. But Kanye’s ego also has an insecure twin—his ex recently hit the gossip mags claiming he is extremely vulnerable, constantly needing people to tell him he is the best.

May 21 - Jun 21

Hates - Being told what to do - People touching their shit - Restrictions and rules Loves - Travelling - Socialising - Being the centre of attention

Love and sex with a Gemini: Relationships with Geminis will always be fun, but you will have to work very hard to keep your Gemini interested in a committed relationship for a long period of time. Sex with a Gemini should be interesting as they love risqué-location sex—think on top of the washing machine or in the Kelburn cemetery, reow!.

24 

By Spiritual Samantha Ryan & Mystical Molly McCarthy

pisces  Pisces are the most sensitive and intuitive of the zodiac signs, often described as the dreamers. They are often highly creative people, who tend to be a lot more intelligent than they are perhaps first perceived. And ladies, you’re in luck—Piscean females are often regarded as being very attractive. Celebrity Pisces: Star of the silver screen and classic beauty Elizabeth Taylor loved love so much, she got married eight times. Love and sex with a Pisces: Sex with a Pisces will always be more aptly described as ‘lovemaking’. These

Feb 19 - Mar 20

Hates - Confrontation and violence - Restrictions - Decision-making Loves - Being creative - Freedom - Love (Pisces are très romantiques)

fishy fellows are rather good in bed, although you’ll have to spoon and cuddle them if you want to keep them happy. Pisces love compliments, so make them feel special and you may just be blown... away.

cancer  The Cancerian loves nothing more than to entertain, but only if it’s in the comfort of their own crab-hole. Home is truly where the heart is for these intuitive and imaginative people. They can sometimes seem a little bit cold, but this is just their outer shell protecting themselves from being hurt or teased. Celebrity Cancerian: It’s no wonder Cancerian Selena Gomez is so enamoured with Justin Bieber: the Biebz is a Pisces and these water signs are destined for a good match. This Disney princess really loves a good party; with hits such as ‘We Own the Night’, she really is a typical Cancerian crab.

Jun 22 - Jul 22

Hates - The cold - Mockery - Advice Loves - Home - Parties - Good manners

Love and sex with an Cancerian: Tenaciously loyal, Cancerians will go to extreme lengths to protect the ones they love. Sometimes they can be sensitive and moody, so make sure to spoon and cuddle them regularly to avoid crabs.

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taurus 

Aries  Ruled by Mars, the planet typically associated with war, Aries are strong-willed with a quick temper. They make great leaders, are easy to get along with, and will often have lots of friends... but if you piss them off you’ll definitely know about it. Celebrity Aries: Following a rocky relationship with rehab, Robert Downey Jr famously placed himself firmly back in the spotlight when he signed on to the Iron Man trilogy in 2008. Asked about his Oscar prospects, Downey Jr once responded, “No matter how you slice it, I'm getting one”.

Mar 21 - Apr 19

Hates - Sitting still - Being ignored - Failure

Loves - Money and opulence - Winning - Fast cars

Love and sex with an Aries: For Aries, sex can be like a competitive sport, and these people are notorious for kinky hotness between the sheets. Aries are ruled by the head, so for brownie points, give them a head massage... or even better, just give them head.

leo  Leos are represented by the lion, the self-proclaimed King of the Jungle. Just like a lion, Leos love to roam around, proudly displaying their great hair and prowess in and around the waterhole. These people are good leaders, with a lot of ambition and personal magnetism. Celebrity Leo: The strutting, egotistical Mick Jagger is a typical Leo. His charisma, charm and personal style have won him fans around the world for decades. This Leo leads the rock industry and at age 69 continues to inspire.

Jul 23 - Aug 22

Hates - Being ignored - Lies - Being one-upped Loves - Themselves - Praise - The spotlight

Love and sex with a Leo: Leos fall very hard and very quickly in love. Leos are generous and loyal partners known to shower their lover with gifts and attention. No doubts about it, in any relationship Leo will definitely be wearing the pants!

libra  Represented by a set of scales, Librans are the ‘balance’ of the zodiac—whatever you have to say, a Libran will always offer the contrasting opinion, whether or not they actually hold that view. This ability to see a situation from every perspective allows Librans to charm and get on easily with a wide range of people, but this approach to life can make them indecisive and unreliable. Celebrity Libran: You love Snoop Dogg. Your grandma loves Snoop Dogg. Everyone loves Snoop Dogg, and with his easy-going attitude and charm, Snoop Dogg is a true Libran. Perhaps it was Snoop’s

Sep 23 - Oct 23

Taureans are just like the bull: stubborn and headstrong. Although this means that a Taurean may charge if someone waves a red flag at them, their strong will also makes them incredibly loyal. Although they are determined when it comes to achieving their own goals, when it comes to other work they can be notorious procrastinators. Celebrity Taurean: Suave, sophisticated, and independent, George Clooney is your typical Taurean. Swearing after his divorce in 1993 that he would never marry again, this headstrong bull will not back down once he’s made up his mind—which explains why the 52-year-old is still one of the hottest bachelors around.

Apr 20 - May 20

Hates - Change - Flashy, over-the-top things - Being provoked Loves - Home life - Being surrounded by comfort, nice things - Security

Love and sex with a Taurean: Taureans are cautious with their hearts; it takes time and planning for a Taurean to truly fall in love. Sex is another matter. Imagine a charging bull—when it comes to lovemaking this is an image that springs to mind with a Taurean in the bedroom.

virgo  Virgo is represented by a virgin, which translates in their naturally conservative nature. Virgos are typically perfectionists; they will either be highly organised and perfectly on time, or leave everything until the last minute, but either way will get the job done to a high standard. Celebrity Virgo: A typical Virgo, Michael Jackson was the ultimate workaholic. His 2009 documentary, This Is It, was not released until after his death, as Michael became obsessed with the flaws he felt were in the film. “I'm never pleased with anything, I'm a perfectionist, it's part of who I am”.

Aug 23 - Sep 22

Hates - Being uncertain - Sloppy or unfinished work - Being sick Loves - Hygiene - Order - Crossword puzzles

Love and sex with a Virgo: As the perfectionists of the zodiac, it can be hard for Virgos to find someone who meets their high standards—they’d rather be alone than settle for second-best. These types are not in for frivolous one-night stands; you’ll have to work hard to woo and court a Virgo. We’re talking dinner, flowers, personalised crosswords—the works.

Hates - Making decisions - Hard work - Isolation Loves - Beauty and romance - Relaxing - Justice

interest in justice that influenced his recent name-change to ‘Snoop Lion’ as he embraces the peace-and-love Rastafarian movement. Love and sex with a Libran: Librans love romance. The best way to seduce a Libra is to light a candle, play some laid-back Snoop Lion and let your Libran lover take control. For bonus points, pop open a classy vino and serve a cheese platter... this will have serious aphrodisiac effects.

scorpio  Scorpios live in a world of black and white; there are no grey areas in between. These resourceful and observant people are often quite secretive, hiding their true feelings to themselves, and it can take a long time to earn their trust. Break their trust, and it will not be taken lightly. Celebrity Scorpio: Sexually charged... Ryan Gosling... need we say more?

Oct 24 - Nov 22

Hates - People holding them back or getting in their way - Weakness - Fake people

Loves Love and sex with an Scorpio: Scorpio are the - Controlling most sexually charged of all the signs, and it’s no - Competition coincidence that the body parts associated with the - Loyalty sign are the crotch and reproductive organs. However, while Scorpios are bound to provide a sting (of a sexy, not an STI nature) between the sheets, in relationships, Scorpios are noted for being protective, possessive and jealous.

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sagitarius 

capricorn 

Nov 23 - Dec 21

Sagittarians are represented by a half-man, half-horse centaur. These people are highly intellectual and love to travel and find answers to the world around them. They sometimes offend by coming off a bit blunt, but usually have lots of friends and an infectious enthusiasm for life.

Represented by the goat, Capricorns are the hard-working, ambitious members of the zodiac. Capricorns are extremely dedicated to their goals. Just like the goat, who loves to climb to the tops of mountains, Capricorns want to get to the top of their chosen field so that they can reap the benefits of success; namely fame, prestige, and money.

Hates - Complacency - Procrastinating - Restlessness

Celebrity Sagittarian: “Honey, what's the point of being in the suburbs if you're not going to fuck a gardener?” - Samantha Jones, Sex and the City’s resident Sagittarian.

Dec 22 - Jan 20

Loves

Celebrity Capricorn: At 88 years old, Betty White is at the top of her fame game. This Capricorn has worked long and hard to reach the top but is reaping the rewards. While most people retire around 65, there is not stopping this old goat.

- A good debate - A leadership role - Learning answers to things

Love and sex with a Sagittarian: Sagittarians love their freedom, so if they stick around you know they're really into you. Keep things impulsive and spontaneous with your Sagittarius lover. Sex with a Saggi should be an adventure.

Hates - Details - Goals - Goats Loves - Laziness - Cheaters - Being tricked or made a fool of

Love and sex with a Capricorn: Capricorns fall in love slowly. They are usually cautious with sex, but when it happens you can expect it to be frequent and satisfying.

Are you a match made in the heavens?

aquarius

 pisces

 aries

 taurus

 gemini

 cancer

 leo

 virgo

 libra



aquarius

pisces

aries

taurus

gemini

cancer

leo

virgo

libra

scorpio

SAgittarius

capricorn

























soul mates one night stand

sexxxy time

this will end in tears

one night stand

you'll both want to wear the pants

outlook bleak

looks like love

no way jose!

yawn

cute couple

best friends

true love

fuck no

go for it!

don't bother

put a ring on it...

friend zoned!

could be...

winter fling

you're too similar

computer says no

could be fun

soul mates

great sex

worth a shot

could be...

50/50 chance

don't go there

give up now

love at first sight

don't go there

friend zoned!

potentially

looks like love

crikey! no.

just lust

it'll work

let's get physical

it'll get

tedious

soul mates

fuck buddies

maybe baby

2getha 4eva

call me ... maybe?

it's just lust

vague chance

perfect

definitely

match

not.

opposites attract?

yeah baby!

yeah nah

nope

never

friend zoned!

it's love

zoned

just a

just no

winter spoon

hate or

fuck

love

buddies friends with benefits

Walking into a black hole would be better than this.

26 

great

no way!

capricorn



could be kinda

been friend

SAgittarius



lions in the den

so sensual

scorpio



you've

too many

Wish upon a shooting star and this might just work out.

The heavens smile fondly upon this friendship.

yikes!

doubtful

compli-

never

disaster!

yawn

one night stand

while it

could be good

nah

cated

fuck buddies

This relationship is hotter than the surface of the sun.

fun lasts bit boring

ϟ • FEATURES

A Space of One’s Own Rosie Cann Closing the door behind you, you have entered the grotto. Fairy lights cast shadows across the various band posters and frozen smiles captured in photographs, which cover the walls. It would appear a full suitcase decided to take its own life here some days ago, splattering its contents across every surface. A stack of papers followed suit shortly after. Half-drunk cups of tea and a hint of incense create a strange sweet aroma. This is my home, my personality embodied in a two-byfour-metre room. Although we sentimentalise our childhood environments, as adults, many question the significance of having a space to call our own, or the wider importance of architecture. Scepticism of interior design is common; what really is the significance of curtain colour or sofa size? There is a negative connotation attached to valuing appearances and aesthetic, because we associate it with vanity and superficiality. Ancient Greek philosopher Epictetus asked: “If you really understand what governs the universe, how can you yearn for bits of stone and pretty rock?” It seems an inappropriate subject to broach with his distraught best friend, whose house had just burnt down, but the question holds value all the same. To survive, all you really need is warmth, food, sunlight, and a comfortable-enough pile of leaves to get your recommended eight hours a night. Countless religious figures have cleansed themselves of distractions and possessions in order to achieve some higher appreciation of life. Peace is found in simplicity, but I simply cannot reconcile this with the fact that I really do sleep better after a cup of tea and an episode of Sherlock in a candlelit room. Perhaps we should simply rejoice in the fact that happy coincidences reconcile the practical with the beautiful sometimes. The house has windows to let in light, but also to allow us to look out over the valley while we eat our Weet-Bix. The ceilings have lighting fixtures to hold light bulbs, but these also present a wonderful opportunity for a tasselled

lampshade, or somewhere to hang streamers on Lucy’s birthday. The doors help muffle the sounds of flatmates making 3-am toasties, but also provide a sense of undisturbed serenity and privacy. The locks on those doors keep out thieves, but more often are employed to simply allow us to choose to spend time alone when we need it.

We can’t exactly design our flats or afford to heat our homes, but we can create a personal space that we feel we belong in. But the practical purposes of architectural intelligence extend beyond simply making our flats seem that little more habitable. Indeed, the Yale Law Journal suggests that the high crime rates of inner cities are related to the physical environment rather than the conventional explanations (poverty, unemployment, poor schools, and the like). Pieces of research from the paper establish four architectural concepts that can used to decrease crime using architecture: increasing an area’s natural surveillance (its visibility and susceptibility to monitoring by private citizens), introducing territoriality (by demarcating private and semi-private spaces), reducing social isolation, and protecting potential targets. In this way, architecture can have a very real and tangible impact on our lives, helping us feel less vulnerable alone in the city. The Christchurch rebuild provides architects and designers making buildings and public spaces with an opportunity to design a smart

city which actively prevents crime through creativity. The Press explains that these professionals “don't normally prevent crime. But there’s a growing movement afoot to make architects do just that, and if this movement gets legs, Christchurch could become a global leader in crime-fighting architecture.” You may not even realise how much design and architecture influence your life. You probably didn’t know that the tacky “hospitalgreen” walls helped speed your healing process. You’ll never enjoy a leisurely meal in a fast-food restaurant because the hard plastic chairs keep you moving, encouraging fast turnover; elevator floor numbers and seat numbers on aeroplanes are all placed at or above eye level to help us avoid eye contact with others, and thus feel less crowded in these potentially claustrophobic environments. Environmental psychology reveals that architects influence, in subtle ways, the paths by which we live and think. As the designer of your own home environment, is it not therefore your job to create a space you love living in? We can’t exactly design our flats or afford to heat our homes, but we can create a personal space that we feel we belong in. In the same way that I would rather have five boisterous flatmates than a kitchen that’s always clean, I will adamantly rejoice in my messy bedroom, and I will love the things that seem silly to hold on to. Review your space, and how you use it, and endeavour to create a place where you feel entirely yourself, and not the person your parents or employer or partner want you to be. This reads as an awfully philosophical way to justify how rarely I tidy my room, but seriously: pin ticket-stubs to your walls, hang posters and photos, keep your teddy bears and childhood, because your environment both reflects and inspires who you are. Make time to decorate, and never underestimate the power of architecture, it could save you from being shanked, aid a speedy medical recovery, or simply cheer you up on a cold shitty day, when you can wrap yourself up safe in your grotto and feel entirely at home.

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spaceaged ,

nry By He

Cooke

Space isn’t doing so well. After decades of dominating the cultural consciousness, of feeling like our inevitable next step, we’re kind of done. We went there. It was cool. Nothing changed. Science marches on, but progression requires more than pure technology. We need the dream back. Very rarely do I agree with YouTube comments, but there’s this one underneath ‘Kellys apollo’ which reads “this is the best YouTube video”, and, while I’ve only seen a tiny fraction of the billions of videos that call YouTube their home, it’s probably right. ‘Kellys apollo’, which transcends the need for an apostrophe, sets a wide variety of Apollo space-shuttle footage to a distorted rendering of Kelly Clarkson’s ‘Since U Been Gone’. We

28 

begin on Kennedy, silently launching the space race while the viewer realises which ‘Kelly’ the video refers to. The song is distorted more and more as the seconds tick on, right up to the chorus, when an Apollo rocket launches. It’s beautiful. Clarkson’s “gone” is still feminine but no longer human. Sparks falls like Technicolor rain onto the camera. The repetitive power chords of the original become ominous yet hopeful drones. Various parts of

the shuttle fall off into our atmosphere. It’s everything audiovisual art could ever hope to be; a perfect meeting of two of our senses that says more than prose ever could. Space* is the setting for both the best and worst of human culture. For every 2001 there’s a Dracula 3000. For every Empire Strikes Back there’s a Phantom Menace. It’s the ultimate blank page, a setting that can be empty or teeming with locales. In space, the rebel alliance might help you out, or a xenomorph may use your chest as a womb. In space, you can escape from Earth’s problems or just project them onto a new landscape. Obey a few basic rules and you can make anything happen. With all the possibilities of space, it’s almost hard to understand why all of our narratives aren’t set there. Our obsession with space began as soon as we could understand it, but it really reached its zenith in the 20th century. We entered

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with 1902’s Le Voyage dans la Lune (A Trip to the Moon), one of the first films to coalesce separate scenes into a narrative, and we left with 1998’s Deep Impact and Armageddon, with specialeffects blowouts that proved how sophisticated computer imagery had become. The space of Le Voyage was fantastical, a mushroom-filled Moon inhabited by explosive aliens which one could fall back to Earth from. Deep Impact’s space was dangerous and lifeless, with a huge meteorite hurtling towards our tiny, defenceless planet. What changed? Depictions of space travel, often to the Moon, continued throughout the first half of the 20th century. Fritz Lang, the director of Metropolis, brought us Frau im Mond (Woman in the Moon) in 1929, a silent film which appears to have created the famous ‘countdown to zero’. Lang’s Moon has gold mines and a breathable atmosphere on its far side, but he acknowledged the need for oxygen on the actual trip, and presented rocket travel more accurately than ever before. Ultimately however, our space culture didn’t become more scientifically sound until science actually caught up with it, in the mid-’50s. In 1957, the Soviet Union launched the first ever artificial satellite, naming it ‘Sputnik’, or ‘Satellite’ in Russian. This set off what we now call the ‘space race’. America, both jealous of the technical prowess displayed and appalled at how boring the name ‘Sputnik’ was, ramped up its space research, eventually launching ‘Explorer’ to match. The Soviets beat them again in 1961, with Yuri Gagarin the first man to go to space, but the Americans caught up in only three weeks, and went on to win the last leg of the race, sending a man to the Moon in 1969. During these years, space became even more of a symbolic force than it was before. The space race was a metaphor for the march of modernity itself, for technology improving how we lived our lives. Dr Geoff Stahl, a Senior Lecturer in Media Studies at Victoria, sees space culture as a means for cleansing science’s image. “If science was kind of demonised during and after the Second World War as a result of atomic bombs, space was perhaps a more benign way of seeing science—of seeing it as progressively and positively extending humanity’s reach into the ether.”

Bound up in all these developments were two powerful symbols: the rocket and the astronaut. Rockets are, well, phallic, but they don’t quite reach the pure masculinity embodied in an astronaut. “These guys were jet-fighter pilots, they were agents of the military,” asserts Stahl. “We needed a human face for this notion of scientific progress, we needed a kind of character that we could load and burden with this semiotic power.”

scream”. If space was our future, it was going to be just as terrible as our present.

Rockets are, well,

Space had never really been presented as cuddly, but after the space race ended it lost much of its aspirational qualities. After all, space, as we scientifically understand it, is terrifying. We appear to be completely alone, in a cold Universe that could kill us in seconds were we to leave our tiny bubble of sustenance. “There’s this kind of infinite landscape that is beyond us; it’s incomprehensible,” agrees Stahl, but he thinks space has another problem now: it’s become boring. “Space has become kind of naturalised; it’s become just a general part of the mediascape. It’s been routinised. Nobody cares about how many days they’ve been on the space station any more.”

phallic, but they don’t quite reach the pure masculinity embodied in an astronaut. Since actual developments in the space race weren’t quite occurring weekly, pop culture had to fill in the blanks, allowing us to dream of the near-future with ease. In 1955, just prior to the race’s proper start, Disney aired Man in Space, a half-cartoon/half-documentary show where prominent scientists pushed for space travel. The Jetsons first aired in 1962, showing a future where living in space was normal. Star Trek began in 1966, using space as a canvas for political discussion. And, of course, just prior to the Moon landing, Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, used the void of space to ask questions about humanity itself. These texts used space in different ways, but they all saw it as one thing: the future. When the future actually arrived, and man stepped onto the Moon, Western culture rejoiced. “Death is all okay,” wrote John Updike in 1969, “if it means being in the sky.” However, as the future marched on, with the Vietnam War in tow, things got a little hairier. We had reached space, and it had not solved our problems. In 1977, Star Wars showed us space “a long time ago”, worn and dirty from years of use. Alien presented us with a space where “no one can hear you

The present felt even worse when, in 1986, the space shuttle Challenger exploded on live TV, killing its entire crew. “The myth of the space race, it lingered for so long, even after it reached its peak in the late ‘60s,” explains Stahl, “but then the Challenger happened, and like the fall of the Berlin Wall signified the end of communism, it signified the end of the space race.”

For all the hurdles the notion has had to overcome over the past half-century, space still connotes ‘the future’ pretty powerfully. Just look at the default OS X background of the pink galaxy, or that old Windows 98 screensaver where the stars flew at you. It’s still a romantic notion, a ‘final frontier’ that we haven't tamed yet. George W. Bush was laughed at when he suggested that we should strive for a manned Mars trip in 2004, but almost 100,000 people signed up for a one-way trip there a few months ago. We all watched the Curiosity rover land on Mars with at least a little bit of awe, and Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield received praise from all over the world for his rendition of ‘Space Oddity’ inside the International Space Station. The internet has made the world feel smaller and more boring than ever before. Space was the ‘final frontier’ in the ‘50s; it’s the only frontier now. Everyone I’ve ever met has some desire to visit space, but only my flatmate has explained why in two words:“It’s different.” *Yes, pedants, ‘space’ technically refers to everything, including the Earth. I just don’t want to type ‘outer space’ out a million times, okay?

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into Darkness: A Vision for Our Future? name is J. J. Abrams. One man owns our future. And his By Gus Mitchell

When we think of the future, the far future, where do you see the human race? Most would say in space; on other planets or travelling between the stars. It's rooted in our consciousness to want go beyond the surly bonds of Earth and play around in our cosmic backyard. And since the publication of Edgar Rice Burroughs’ John Carter of Mars, we've been content to speculate about what we may see, who (if anyone) we might meet, and what kind of adventures we can have out there. The science-fiction genre has since produced several pop-culture juggernauts that have satisfied our wanderlust for space, the two biggest and most influential being Star Trek and Star Wars. The elder Trek was born out of America's Kennedy-era fascination with space, and creator Gene Roddenberry's desire to make a show that was essentially "a Wagon Train to the stars". Two network pitches later, Kirk, Spock, Uhura and the rest of the Enterprise crew were born. Famous for its deep philosophical plotlines and a controversial (for its time) multi-racial cast, it envisioned a utopian world where atheistic thinking remained unhindered thanks to the multiple scientific advances and alien diplomatic relations mankind had accrued over time. Since popularising science fiction on the small screen and cinema, the franchise has been 'rebooted' by Lost and Fringe creator J. J. Abrams. The show has since left its philosophical roots for a more action- and mystery-themed series, to mixed reception. George Lucas took a different tack with Star Wars, reinterpreting the mythology and sci-fi of the past into a “used-future” space setting. The original trilogy, chronicling the story of Luke Skywalker, was modelled after the age-old hero myth, as defined by philosopher Joseph Campbell's concept of the ‘hero's journey’. The more politically focussed prequel

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trilogy showed a Roman-Senate-style of government being overtaken by a self-styled emperor, and eventually a feudal samuraiinfluenced overlord (yep, Darth Vader). The Force has its roots in Shinto and Buddhist beliefs. Han Solo is Buck Rogers on a budget. Old ideas with new twists... IN SPAAAAACE!

One man has sway over the two biggest science-fiction universes in the history of humankind... Not to mention he is one of the few creators in history to be his own competition. Lucas ended up keeping all the merchandising rights to his properties, giving him a Death Star's worth of money from licensing and expansion into video games, toys and memorabilia. The movie franchise, however, went stagnant until 2012, when some disturbance in the Force made Lucas decide that he had enough money. After highly secretive negotiations, he decided to sign away all the Lucasfilm properties (including Star Wars) to Disney, for a tidy $4 billion sum. Keen to test out the new toys they had been given, Disney swiftly announced that they planned to make a sequel trilogy (Episodes VII-IX) beginning in 2015, and some time later announced a director: J. J. Abrams, who had now established himself as an expert at reinvigorating stale ‘space’ film franchises for the modern cinema-goer. And here's where the problem lies. One man has sway over the two biggest science-fiction universes in the history of humankind, with the

potential to affect the imaginations of billions of fans-to-be decades down the line. Not to mention he is one of the few creators in history to be his own competition. Now, I could talk about Abrams’ over-reliance on his ‘mystery-for-the-sake-of-mystery’ brand of storytelling, or over-reliance on lens flare, but perhaps most problematic are the documented interviews in which he plainly states that he doesn't 'get' Star Trek "[I]t always felt too philosophical to me...and this movie that we did, the goal was to make a movie for moviegoers, not just Star Trek fans." Judging by that statement and the criticisms both his Star Trek films have faced for being generic, Abrams seems content to ignore any sense of grander vision for these franchises beyond producing soulless popcorn thrillers. The potential for idea crossover here could result in both series becoming poisoned by their own blandness. Trekkies, Star Wars fans and sci-fi enthusiasts alike will have nowhere to turn for any original content. This is the dark side of the Force. This is being in the Kobayashi Maru. This is NASA stopping any further manned missions to the moon, or Mars, or anywhere. This is the very fear not that the future is bright or cool or even interesting, but crushingly dull. This was the very thing that these series were meant to combat, but now they are the engines of their own destruction. The thing about space and the future is that they share a common idealistic notion: that there is something beyond us out there, waiting for us. The world is not enough, and we want to go to infinity and beyond. In a time of overhauls, buy-outs and reboots, whatever happened to going where no man has gone before? Should Darth Abrams ever lead us Into Darkness, the future will seem very bleak indeed.

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n a s i d n e i r f y o b Real life: My

alien!

S

ome people are more focused on their love lives than their studies. 20-year-old BA/LLB student Jennifer just might one of those people, but who could blame her? Her relationship is out of this world! Jennifer is dating X’jhorg, a tall, slimy and handsome fellow from Alpha Centauri. Salient caught up with these star-cross’d lovers.

How did you two meet?

thick trail of mucus on the carpet, and my dad is still kind of uncomfortable with him being thousands of light-years older than me. There was also this incident where X’jhorg tried to eat one of the neighbours. I think they’re starting to come around, though! I’ve stopped getting voicemails of my mum crying.

Dating has its challenges, doesn’t it? What are some of the challenges you’ve overcome as a couple?

I was out walking one night. I was really craving some fresh air after being in the library all day, and I ended up at the Botans. Well, there’s obviously a lot of stigma to deal Suddenly, I was blinded with. People don’t know by a strange light. After a My dad is still kind how to react to seven feet minute or so, it dimmed of quivering hunk! We and… there was X’jhorg. of uncomfortable get a lot of stares, and He was slithering around, even some harassment. making crop circles, and with him being An old woman passed giggling to himself. He’s out when she saw us such a trickster! I love a thousands of on Lambton Quay the bad boy, so after I stopped other day. It’s really hard being paralysed with light-years older sometimes. I just want a fear and an inability to romantic walk along the comprehend his existence, than me waterfront, eating gelato I gave him my number. A with my beau, but people week later we went out for either attack us or call the police! And getting coffee, and well—things kind of escalated dinner reservations anywhere is a nightmare. from there! Soon enough we were walking down the street arm-in-tentacle and alienating (ha) our friends with our affection and in-jokes. Zbgggrr!rrll, isn’t that right, honey?

How long have you been together? It’ll be six months next week. It’s going so great! He even met my parents recently. I was really worried about how they’d react. I mean, I think the way X’jhorg unhinges his jaw to swallow his prey whole is just adorable, but you know what parents are like! Anyway, they live in Palmerston North so we went to stay during the mid-trimester break. It was a little awkward at first; my mum wasn’t very happy when he left a

Exclus

ive!

if he does, I know it’s because he’s assessing their nutritional value. He’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. He’s always there for me, and I know I can rely on him. I was having a girls’ night with some of my friends and this creepy guy in Hope Bros wouldn’t leave me alone, so I called X’jhorg. He materialised on the stage straight away. I mean, he did try to liquefy the guy who was bothering me, but he was just trying to help. And, well… I don’t want to be crude, but the sex is incredible. Let’s just say he really knows how to work that proboscis.

Do you have any relationship advice for our readers? Sure! The thing which has helped us the most is really taking the time to get to know and understand each other. For example, X’jhorg knows that Benny is my favourite X Factor contestant, and I know that X’jhorg’s third arm is only for ritual space worship. Communication is also super important! I had jaw surgery so I can speak Hjkhg better. It’s the small sacrifices that really make a difference.

That, and X’jhorg “doesn’t see the appeal” of Ryan Gosling. But you really just have to accept and cherish the differences in a relationship. That’s what makes it special.

This is a question for X’jhorg. What’s your favourite thing about Jennifer?

What about some of your highlights?

kkkkkkkkKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKRRRR RRRRRJj’ko. HJJGJGRR. GW; PRJGJXX.

We’ve had some pretty special moments together. We went on a camping trip and he hunted and pre-digested all our food! There’s nothing quite so romantic as a marinade of your lover’s enzymes. I also really love how devoted he is. He basically never looks at anyone else, and

Thanks so much for speaking with us today, you two! Salient wishes you all the best for the future. Jennifer and X’jhorg have won Salient’s Couples Retreat prize pack. They’ll enjoy a romantic getaway courtesy of Jetstar and Colin Craig.  Sebastian Maddox

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bent By Sebastian Maddox

Know Your Trans* Etiquette

“But… it’s really [birth name], right?”

my name, and remembered me. Which is also very confusing. In any case: I don’t know about you, but I generally take people at their word when they tell me who they are. Admittedly, the person was faaairly drunk. But my point is this: y’all need to sort your trans* etiquette out. And just generally be more polite, even if you are drunk. Don’t worry, though. I’ve got you covered. Here are four simple tips for being a better person and making life easier for trans* cuties everywhere.

This continued for much longer than it should have (probably because it shouldn’t have happened at all). I became increasingly confused, agitated, hungry, sleepy, and confused. There were multiple levels of weirdness at play here: firstly, I had never met this person. Why did they know my birth name? Secondly, why were they so sure of my identity that they corrected me multiple times? Well, it turns out they had seen my Facebook profile before I changed

Don’t assume anything. You can’t tell how a person identifies by how they look. No, seriously. Let that sink in. For instance, you may read me as a butch lesbian, or you might read me as a particularly plump teenage boy. Either way, you’re wrong. It’s true that how people present themselves is usually deliberate, but don’t extrapolate a concrete idea of someone’s identity from their cute dress or plaid shirt or whatever. That shit is nuanced.

Not to brag, but I went to a party a while ago. There were some people I’d never met at this party. I introduced myself to one of them. “Hi,” I said. “I’m Sebastian.” They looked at me for a moment. “You’re [birth name].” “Uh. Nope. My name is Sebastian.”

If you really need to know, ask. But… You probably don’t need to know. Ultimately, someone else’s identity isn’t actually any of your business. Wacky, right?! If you have a reason to know, I’m sure they’ll let you know. In my case, I am fairly open about my trans* identity both as a form of activism and so that people understand how to treat me. Google is your friend. As a trans* person, constantly having to teach TRAN101 is exhausting, unnecessary, and, frankly, annoying as all get out. Learn the basics so your trans* friends don’t have to teach you.

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please feel free to email uniqvictoria@gmail.com, visit us on Facebook at facebook.com/uniq.victoria.9, or at our website: uniqvictoria.co.nz. Tell us what you’d like to see here - we’d love to hear from you!

Secret Diary of Kimbryo Dad seems pretty certain I’m a boy. Last night, he kept on saying to Mum’s belly that he wants “him to have an easy life, not like Yeezy life”. Then he decided he wants to call me North. Sins of yo’ father make yo’ life ten times harder. Ain’t that the truth, Pops. Then again, I guess it’s better than being called Kupcake. That that don’t kill me can only make me stronger. It’s my birthday soon. In July. Y’all probably already knew that. And you better be out buying presents for me. I was kind of mad at first about sharing my birthday with Kate and Wills' baby, but then I thought about all the cool playdates we could have running around the castle and having tea parties with the Queen and her corgis. I hope it’s a boy, and that they call him Charming. I get my naming skills from my dad, can you tell? It’s not even a problem having to fly to another country to hang out, when you are livin’ in the 21st century, doin’ something mean to it. Speaking of flying, I thought my head was going to explode when we went on the plane to see dad in Paris the other day. I tried to tell Mum. I was like, “Mum! We ain’t even s’pose to be here!” but she was too busy having her makeup done and experimenting with a new sidepart. I don’t care what none of y’all say, I still love her.

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By Penny Gault

It’s pretty hard being in the womb. Like I ain’t even alive, paparazzi pursuin’ me! And I can’t get away, cos I’m in Mum’s tummy. She can’t walk very fast when her feet are popping out the sides of her Perspex heels, and Grandma keeps trying to get our photo taken. Mum and I have been at the gym so much lately that I’ll have a six-pack when I get out. She even bought me my own pair of Nikes for when we work out together! I had to remind her that I can’t wear shoes in the womb. We both laughed so hard at how stupid she is. Grandma’s still convinced that Mum thought that if she ate the shoes, they’d end up on my feet. It’s understandable for Grandma to jump to that conclusion, though. Mum has been eating everything under the sun so that she earns oodles for her post-me weight loss. I definitely won’t be growing up in that ghetto university. Now, I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she ain’t messing with no broke n*****. Now when I’m born, remember to bow in the presence of greatness. If I’m late, you should be honoured by my lateness. Don’t be surprised if they call me Jesus. Yeezus? Keezus? Love and cuddles, Kimbryo

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e f i L r u o Y g n i x i F

[BECAUSE OURS ARE WRITTEN OFF]

Hector and Janet, The end of the semester is nearing, and I’m a little concerned. I’ve been thinking recently that perhaps I’m in the wrong place. I came to university with a clear idea of what I wanted to do and how I should go about getting there. I was open-minded, but now I’m not so sure that I am studying the right thing. Am I better placed to cut my losses and change my degree now, or keep going and hope it falls into place later? Sincerely, Disillusioned Deborah

Janet Debs, What an extremely valid question you have, my dear. I was lucky in deciding to go to university: I knew that it was my natural progression after secondary school, and as part of having ‘a series of options’, I had fluked a scholarship conditional on my doing a Commerce degree. So I enrolled for one, tossed in a BA, got dressed one day in early March (+1 on desert boots in 2010, -5000 on tucking my jeans into them) and rocked up, hoping for the best. By the end of my first trimester, I’d decided to pick up a Law degree the next year. This was an easy decision to make: I figured my now-later graduation would coincide with Joyce* having fixed the economy and the re-election of Labour raining jobs in the civil service down upon me. Plus, I’d been assured from the get-go that my expert suburban negotiation over remotes and car use was a gateway to human-rights advocacy. Changing my degree would have been a far more difficult decision had I been considering dropping out entirely to work, or really switching it up and rendering the papers I’d done theretofore a “complete waste of time”.

Thinking about ‘cutting losses’ versus ‘seeing what happens’ leads me to draw an analogy between your situation and that of my own, with my first (and most recent) boyfriend, back in 2009. I mulled over subconsciously whether I was ‘still into it’ for a while, and decided one day that no, I was not, and I did not want to hang around to see whether I would be later. So I told him that. In a field. While this analogy is very bad, perhaps my point is that I was, and you are, smart enough to trust your own judgment on what you should be doing. You’re also young enough that if you make a mistake, the nature of time might mean that it’s not reversible, but nor is it insurmountable. Practically, it makes sense not to drop out mid-trimester so that any changes are as clean a break as possible and it’s easier to pick up later if you so desire. Even more practically, needs must, so do what you want to do and God bless all who sail in you. Degree regret is common. I have it. I am sorry that you also have it. Make good decisions. I am aware this is not advice. Movin’ on up, Janet. *I know what you’re thinking. “She means English.” No I bloody don’t mean English.y, deeply,

Hector Dear Deb, Look, it happens to a lot of people. Realising one day that you’ve made a huge mistake is pretty common. That’s one thing though, and the other thing is deciding what to do about it. Yeah, you can switch degrees, but that can be expensive. Can be? Hell, it will be. You’ll have wasted credits, and that means wasted dollars. But that’s not what matters to you! Let’s face it, if you had changed your mind based on economical values, you

would have already done a cost-benefit analysis and switched your degrees by now. Degree-switching is a tough gig. It’s definitely not in any way analogous to shopping for clothes, where you can chop and change with no real consequences. It means lost friends, a new campus, being a fish out of water in a big salty pond with no paddle and absolutely no chance at redemption. Because you can’t switch back. Faculties are basically gangs, and switchers get stitches. You don’t cross that line without spilling some blood, son. Watch your back. Just kidding. There are genuinely very few real consequences to switching around your studies. If you want my advice, and I can’t imagine that you’ve written in for any other reason, I’d advise you to look deep into your heart and see what you find there. Chances are, you’ve already made your decision and you’re just afraid of what might happen. But you’re at University, now, and it’s time to stand up for what you believe in. On the other hand, don’t forget that there are risks and penalties that you need to be aware of. Besides the ones I’ve already mentioned, you need to remember that you can’t really afford to keep on switching degrees indefinitely. If you really want to be at university forever with no prospects of employment, just do postgrad. Zing. Also, think about whether you are doing something completely academic, like a BA in Media Studies, something practical and vocation-based, like Architecture, or something in between, like Science. Then think about what you think your degree is going to do for you, and if you’ll get more out of a new one. It’s not like clothes-shopping, though. I can’t stress that enough. Couldn’t think of an applicable Arrested Development quote, Hector.

Janet and Hector are our resident advice

If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately and confidentially with a

columnists for 2013. If you've got a problem you'd

professional, rather than Hector and Janet, Student Counselling Service can provide a safe

like them to solve, send your queries through to

place to explore such aspects of your life. The service is free and confidential. Phone (04) 463

editor@salient.org.nz, subject: 'ADVICE'.

5310. Email counselling-service@vuw.ac.nz. Visit Mauri Ora, Level 1, Student Union Building.

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laying down the law Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star

By Lauren Brazier Buying someone a star and naming it for them could just be one of the most romantic gestures you could make. Celebrities have done it, the practice has found its way into popular culture, and there are many websites offering to sell you the chance to name, buy, or adopt a star. So how is it that companies can sell you the chance to name a burning ball of gas floating somewhere out in space? Well, the answer is—technically they can’t. The only body that can officially ‘name’ the stars is the International Astronomical Union (IAU). To name stars the IAU follow internationally accepted rules. It looks like quite a complex process (see iau.org/public/naming/), but essentially, stars are given numbers in a pretty methodical manner, to enable them to be easily located in future. So what do you get if you pay to name or adopt a star? Usually you will get a certificate with your star name on it, a star chart to help you find the star you have supposedly named, and some background information about the star and the stars surrounding it. Or, as the IAU succinctly put it, you’ll be paying for nothing more than “an expensive piece of paper and a temporary feeling of happiness.” Your star name will not be recognised by any scientists or space agencies, but it will probably be unique to the database of the organisation from which you have made your purchase. Strictly speaking, you get everything you have paid for from the transaction, as the companies that 'sell' stars are very careful about what they offer. In New Zealand, if companies are misleading or deceptive in the way that they market their star-naming packages then they could potentially face issues under the Fair Trading Act 1986. More information on this practice is available at iau.org/ public/buying_star_names/, but remember, in the words of the IAU, the beauty of the night sky is not for sale. Disclaimer: ‘Laying Down the Law’ is written by Victoria Law students, and as such should not be treated as professional legal advice. However, if you’re looking to buy up a fine little piece of gas, this should give you a pretty good idea of what you’re in for. by sam northcott 34 

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ant

ly R Week

There’s Gil-More Where That Came From By Megan McArthur

Aaron Gilmore behaved badly; no one will argue that fact. He was obnoxious at the restaurant, arrogant and pig-headed in Parliament, and ultimately revealed to be a lame duck of epic proportions. No question. What I want to argue is that for all his terrible behaviour, Aaron Gilmore isn’t unusual.

into a bar and tell the bartender they know the owner. It’s the same as claiming to be BFFs with the Prime Minister. Demanding better service will not earn it. What will result in better service is tips. I’m not calling for the introduction of tips, but if you want to encourage good service then reward it.

When Mr Gilmore threatened that waiter, the only difference between him and other entitled customers demanding service was that he was in the public eye (albeit the public peripheral vision) and felt, rightly or wrongly, that he could use the Prime Minister’s Office as a threat. As it turned out, he was wrong, and the rest is history.

Many bars and restaurants in New Zealand are staffed by students and overseas travellers looking for the experience of a lifetime. Many of you will be reading this on the way to your part-time job. If you’re a student, you probably knew what you were

There have been a number of articles in recent memory about bad customer service in New Zealand, and while some of the allegations are true, it is hard to expect much in an industry where an honest job description would read: “Employee wanted, must be available for up to 14 hours at a time—number of hours will rarely be specified. Able to handle drunken abuse and degradation, go long periods of time without eating, sitting or fresh air. Please don’t apply with expectations of career advancement. Please note: if you’re a female, expect a certain amount of cat-calling, wolf-whistling and uninvited grabbing.” Would you take that job? Would you smile about it? Bob Jones published a column that nicely summed up the issue of how badly staff are treated. What I felt he missed was how prevalent that behaviour is. Bars and restaurants seem to bring out the worst in people. I can only imagine the number of people around the water coolers of our legal offices, accountancy firms and banking offices pooh-poohing Mr Gilmore, only to go

There is the story of the All Black (every barmaid has this story) who felt my hips, legs and waist were public property. in for and graduation is the reward. But what about the travellers? They were told New Zealand was a beautiful country with lovely people. Then they get a bar job to pay their way and realise they swapped the sophisticated shores of southern France or the cobbled alleyways of Italy for a table of property developers, stage-whispering about your work, either because of a language problem (“If you want to work in a bar, learn real English first”) or because one of them has an eye on them (“I’d give her something to write home about”)—chortle, laugh, good on ya mate! I worked with two French girls in New Zealand who were on one-year work visas; they went home after six weeks because of their experience in bars.

The tales are endless; ask anyone who has worked behind a bar and you will find yourself wondering what people say about you at the end of a night. We get called every name under the sun. All the time. There is the story of the All Black (every barmaid has this story) who felt my hips, legs and waist were public property. How many of his friends do you think told him to lay off? And how many managers do you think had a word with him? The answer is the same to both questions. It’s not hard to treat staff with some respect; most of it your mother taught you. Please and thank you is first; then eye contact; try pausing a conversation for your waiter, they are doing their job not imposing themselves on your evening. Men, and I’m sorry boys but you’re often the worst offenders, feel free to make comments about the dress of a waitress, but don’t be surprised at the offence taken. It’s wrong to paint the whole country like this. There are of course good customers who have manners and who learn your name; these are a blessed relief and I promise, your server is thanking their lucky stars for you. Aaron Gilmore’s treatment in the media will have felt like a small victory for many hospo staff; let’s just hope that others like him learn from his mistakes. The next time you are working in a bar and someone gives you grief, ask them what they think of Aaron Gilmore, and politely await their response. Alternatively, the next time you are giving the grief, ask yourself, what would Aaron Gilmore do? And then do the opposite.

'Weekly Rant' is a space for one-off opinion pieces. Want to write your own? Contact editor@salient.org. nz to run riot.

 35

COLUMNS 

nigella lawstudent This is a lazy Sunday meal. I go to the market in the morning, buy a big bag of tomatoes, and then sit in the kitchen keeping warm while they roast for hours—it's a good excuse to leave the oven on to warm your bones without feeling guilty or needing to justify it to your flatmates. You can decorate the pizzas as you desire: throw a spacethemed dinner party and have these as flying saucers or moons or planets. Use the tomato sauce whenever you would normally use canned tomatoes.

Pizza flying saucers with roasted tomato sauce Put the tomatoes in a large oven tray with sides, as the tomatoes will release a lot of juice. Sprinkle over the seasonings and drizzle the olive oil over them. Put the garlic cloves on a separate tray— you don't want to get the peel in with the juice. Put the oven on to about 100°C and leave them for 4 hours, but the longer the better. Check them every hour. When cooked, there should be lots of tomato juice in the bottom of the tray and the tomatoes should smell rich and decadent. The skin should be falling off the flesh.

Tomato sauce: 1-2 kg of tomatoes 2 garlic bulbs, unpeeled Salt and pepper Herbs—such as oregano, rosemary, thyme or basil 2 tablespoons olive oil

beer'd By Dylan Jauslin Greetings, beer fiends! This column comes to you from Melbourne. I'm here to attend Australia's largest beer festival, the Great Australasian Beer SpecTAPular. But I'm not going to talk about Australian beer (that's another column). You see, I arrived in Australia via two weeks in northern California, where I was in beer heaven. Now I know a lot of you are thinking: American beer, really? A country famous for the most watery of lagers in the world? Yes, it's true that the worst beer from America is among the worst in the world (that can be said of anywhere), but the opposite is just as true. The craft-beer revolution we have experienced in New Zealand over the last five years mirrors in many respects what's been going on in the States for over two decades.

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Eve Kennedy

Tip the tray contents into a blender. Peel the garlic and put the cloves into the blender too. Add more salt and pepper to taste. While the tomatoes cook, make the pizza dough (4 pizzas):

1 & 1/2 cups lukewarm water 3 teaspoons active dried yeast 3 teaspoons sugar 2 teaspoons salt 4 cups flour + more for kneading 3 tablespoons oil Put the water in a big ceramic bowl. Sprinkle the yeast and sugar over the top. Leave for 5-10 minutes or until frothy. Add the flour, cup by cup, and stir in with a wooden spoon. Add the salt and oil. Mix until combined. Tip the dough onto a floured surface. Knead for 10 minutes or until the dough is elastic and smooth. Leave to rise in a warm place for an hour. Give the dough another quick knead and roll out into pizza bases. Add the tomato sauce and then your favourite toppings. I put thin slices of roasted pumpkin, fried onions and kamo kamo, marinated artichokes, and cheese on mine.

Red, White and Beer While there I enjoyed a colourful selection of beers from a staggering number of breweries, such as Rogue, Russian River, Lagunitas and 21st Amendment. The west coast of America is famous as a hop-growing region, and is the spiritual homeland of the modern hoppy pale ale and IPA. But don't think that's all they have to offer. Beer bars and breweries make and serve a dizzying array of styles (sours seem to be in vogue at the moment). The best beers from America are truly among the best in the world. Now it may seem like I'm being a bit of a tease, telling you about beers from a country across an ocean, but sampling American brews in New Zealand is easier than you might think. Local beer bar Hashigo Zake (disclaimer—my former employer) is a distributor for several American breweries, such as Bear Republic, Green Flash, Rogue and

Coronado. These beers can be found in beer bars throughout Wellington and New Zealand. I encourage you to seek these out. And yes I know, 'drink local' is a great ethos, but it never hurts to be a little international now and again.

S

ART

 ARTS

BOOKS 

The Foundation trilogy, by Isaac Asimov review

Alexandra Hollis

I have this notion—and it may be wrong—that people don’t read enough science fiction, and this makes me sad. Because sci-fi is cool, guys, and if you’re thinking about getting into it you could do worse than Isaac Asimov’s Foundation trilogy. The Foundation trilogy—Foundation, Foundation and Empire, and Second Foundation—is only the central trilogy of Asimov’s larger series, but it works as an introduction to both the Foundation world and Asimov’s general oeuvre. Written in the early 1950s, the series has a definite Cold War heritage which informs its focus on international (or interstellar?) relations and concern with larger historical forces. The basic premise lies in Asimov’s ‘science’ of psychohistory—a sort of large-scale psychology which can be used to predict civilisation's reactions to certain stimuli, and thus predict

the course of history. Hari Seldon—the creator of this science—recognised the decline of the Galactic Empire and set up a Foundation to preserve scientific thought and limit humanity’s dark age to just a millenia. The trilogy charts the Foundation’s rise and fall, jumping from century to century, encompassing a broad sweep of history.

prior protagonists. In this way, Asimov really creates a sense of history progressing—the Foundation rises from an uneasy conception, through various uncertainties, into a lumbering, and at times corrupt, institution. While this is a shame, as you get into the trilogy it matters less. The real thrill of this series is more in the wide movements of history and therefore the plot. Small, forgotten, plot points are rekindled at the end of a section or novel with immeasurable elegance: it’s like a sci-fi version of an Arthur Conan Doyle story. Despite its length—my copy runs to over 500 pages—few things are superfluous. Through the subtle machinations of the plot, Asimov becomes a Seldon figure himself; he never loses his grip on the storyworld, which is a welcome change from much science-fiction writing, as well as long series in general.

Despite its preoccupation with psychology, it has little of the modern, Firefly-esque, concern with character arcs; Asimov has no qualms about leaping forward 100 years in a single chapter, or calmly detailing the destruction of a world we have spent pages coming to love. I found these leaps disconcerting, especially at first: we build up a relationship with the characters over a number of pages, only to have it destroyed. This relationship is maintained in some respects, as preceding characters refer back to the historical deeds of their predecessors. But this is a hollow comfort. It’s akin to the paradigm shifts between seasons 3, 4 and 5 of Fringe; the storyworld is constantly being reasserted in a new context. All we have to cling to for familiarity are the historical figures made from

Essentially, this is a vast, intricate series with a strong and fascinating quasi-theoretical background where people march into rooms at random intervals crying “Space!” “Space!” guys. “Space!”

Li twit ure: the Road @man all is lost

@cannibals gdhnbfgguhk.mndgsnmb

@man even the desolate wasteland of cyberspace has more life than this place

@man @boy we are carrying the fire @cannibals dhfmg.....

@boy @man papa where are we going @man @boy we are at the sea @man @boy to the sea @boy @man what do we do now @boy @man where is that @man @boy you keep walking @man @boy over the mountain @man @boy give me the bullet @boy @man but there is no food @man @boy you are carrying the fire @man @boy we are carrying the fire @boy I am carrying the fire @man men coming @man men always coming

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ARTS 

MUSIC 

Trouble Will Find Me – The National

from Trouble Will Find Me were recorded in the same sessions that yielded Alligator, Boxer and High Violet, I would be impressed but not flabbergasted. review

Philip McSweeney

“I am secretly in love with everyone I grew up with.” Forgive me for beginning on a self-referential, meta note (the kind of post-modernism flourish which The National would no doubt despise incidentally; but more on that later), but in choosing a quote to headline the review, I spent a while blankly deliberating between choice one-liners from the album. The National’s lyrics provide tremendous fodder for importantsounding, adroit opening gambits—”Hey Jo, sorry I hurt you but / they say love is a virtue don’t they”; “I keep feeling smaller and smaller”; “You didn't see me I was falling apart / I was a television version of a person with a broken heart”. Ultimately, though, the one you see emblazoned above you encapsulates the tone of the album perfectly. Trouble Will Find Me is in many ways a direct predecessor to the Alligator/Boxer/High Violet trifecta, which is to say there are enough familiar, almost archetypal, elements to qualify this particular record as National is, National does. This has, predictably, seen TWFM accused of being a symptom of a ‘one-trick pony’ band (never mind that this steed could win the Melbourne Cup). As a certain misogynistic, incoherent-at-worst, clumsy-at-best, undisputed champion of meretricious and arbitrary namedropping New Zealand reviewer put it: “Honestly, what’s the point?” To address this complaint, I have to explain that there are some quintessentially ‘The National’ elements at play here. Their unparalleled grip on recognising the exhilarating in the melancholic returns, and is exemplified most on ‘Hard to Find’, which boasts a climax that suits moping about in a bedroom, but which wouldn’t be out of place being featured as the protagonist of some romantic movie runs towards their love interest— in the vein of the propulsive ‘Bloodbuzz Ohio’, or ‘Abel’. Then there are the blunt lyrics that function as a confessional (to give you an idea, “Remember when you lost your shit” begins one incriminating passage). In fact, if you told me that the songs

38 

But, and this is important, Trouble Will Find Me is nuanced where the others aren’t. Which isn’t to say that it’s ‘complex’—there’s a crucial distinction. To wit: - Nuance is the way lead singer Berninger’s voice cracks as he intones “it’s a sign that someone loves me” on ‘Don’t Swallow the Cap’. - Nuance is the way ‘Don’t Swallow the Cap’ devolves into a bare-boned industrial buzz. - Nuance is the subtle, ‘An Ending’-esque synth undercurrent that runs through ‘I Need My Girl’, that doesn’t make itself prominent until the second listen. - Nuance is the ephemeral upwards-strummed chord that chimes at 2:54 of ‘Hard to Find’. And so on. Moreover, Berninger’s vocals are frail, in lieu of his usual baritone vigour. It’s not that he can’t do it—indeed, the ferocity with which he distils a rough patch in a relationship: “Don't make me read your mind / you should know me

better than that / it takes me too much time” is palpable—but a conscious decision was made somewhere to add an urgent hush to his voice. Frankly, he sounds burnt-out and lost, and this lends the album an immediacy, a despondence, that previous ones lack. So where does it fit in with The National’s back catalogue? There is a tendency in discourse to frame The National’s albums as contiguous; so, each album is contextualised according to its relationship with the others. Though I don’t necessarily subscribe to this mode of critique, I do acknowledge that it makes sense to categorise Alligator, Boxer and High Violet in a neat little interreferential, interrelated timeline. Shit, it might even be necessary; it serves to demystify three perplexing albums. What’s strange about Trouble Will Find Me is that it doesn’t feel like a natural step in some kind of linear progression. Though the band themselves tout this as their most “self-assured” record (and in terms of creative control it might well be), it sounds the complete opposite. They haven’t been this lost and confused, as down-and-out and frustrated with mundanities and urban ennui and

 ARTS

GAMES  loneliness and fear of impending failure hanging perpetually like a sword of Damocles since Alligator. Bleakly, they’re back to square one. It’s no mistake that the refrain of the closing track, “you can all just kiss off into the air”, can easily be misheard as “you can all just kiss off the new year”. Trouble Will Find Me feels like a distinct chapter in The National’s life, and ‘Hard to Find’ represents its finale poignantly. What I love about The National, and always will, is their honesty. Trouble Will Find Me speaks so many truths and captures so much of life that it manages to resonate within me like little else. That they do it in such a down-to-earth, accessible style (the odd nod to shoegaze or electronica aside) when indie, as a genre, seems preoccupied with sounding as ‘complex’ and ‘experimental’ as possible. That they pull it off so adeptly is nothing short of astounding. Trouble Will Find Me is a beautifully rendered depiction of an “uninnocent, inelegant fall into… the lives of adults”. And the angels of that song might not want to watch, sure—but it’d shit-sure be worth their while to listen. 4.5/5

Top Five Free Video Games

So you've suddenly found yourself poor. Your bills are stacking up, plain rice is the only thing you've eaten all week, and you've been coughing up funny-coloured goo from all the mould in your flat. Need a perk-up? Here are five great free-to-play games! 

Burrito Bison Revenge (Juicy Beast, 2012)

This incredibly addictive Flash game will definitely eat up your Sunday afternoon, or at least your two-hour-long lecture. Think an 'endless runner'-type game, except you're a luchador bison destroying gummy bears in a candy world. Perfect for when you need a quick distraction. 

Desktop Dungeons (QCF Design, 2011)

Both endless (it's all randomly generated) and challenging, this game lets you lead your small, hand-picked group of adventurers to the centre of a monster-filled maze. Requiring both tactics and planning, Desktop Dungeons is an excellent puzzle experience. 

SALIENT RATINGS GUIDE

ARTICLE

PATRICK lIndsay

Lord of the Rings Online (Turbine, 2007)

this is absolutely the best. You'll get a full MMO experience—adventuring with friends, collecting loot, chatting, and probably insomnia—without having to spend a single cent. You'll only need to download a large-ish client file to play— remember that unsecured Wi-Fi network you walked past last week?  Kingdom Rush (Ironhide Games, 2011); Cursed Treasure 2 (IriySoft, 2011) These two tower-defence games are as mesmerising as they are strategic. If you're in need of something to challenge you while not taking up your entire screen and mind, either of these are ideal. The former is colourful and cheery, while the latter is darker and a little more intense. There are countless tower-defence games out there, but these are certainly among the best. 

League of Legends (Riot Games, 2009)

If you're feeling competitive and also don't mind a steep-ish learning curve while you get to know the ropes, this is the place to be. LoL is an adversarial multiplayer game that requires quick thinking and cooperation within teams. Popular enough to be played professionally while being accessible enough to have around 12 million players daily, if you like multiplayer you'll love this.

As free massively multiplayer online games go,

5 Stars: Space Jam 4 Stars: The X-Files 3 Stars: Lost in Space 2 Stars: Stars in their Eyes 1 Star: Starz Network (you will never be forgiven for cancelling Party Down) 0 Stars: Making a Star Wars sequel

 39

ARTS 

VISUAL ARTS 

MORE MANET MORE PROBLEMS review

SHARON LAM

Manet: Portraying Life has recently been showing throughout Wellington cinemas, bringing with it an interesting concept—an art exhibition brought to the viewer through the movie screen. While still a relatively new concept, exhibitions on film can’t be called unexpected; with TV, radio, print, photography, tweets, and blogs, we are currently consuming information in more forms than ever before. The film-exhibition succeeds as a documentation of Manet and his art, but as a format to replace the experience of seeing paintings first-hand it does not. The film guides the viewer through both the behind-the-scenes of the exhibition itself as well as the paintings and painter. Some of the film’s focus on the exhibition’s location and setup at London’s Royal Academy is a bit dry. While the behind-thescenes access to preparing the paintings attempts to transport the viewer right inside the gallery, it comes across more ‘class trip’ than genuine. On the whole however, the rest of the film succeeds in holding the viewer’s attention. I went into the cinema unsure of how the works would be shown—an hour of close-up pans of the paintings? Even the most ardent devotee

40 

of Manet’s would be bored. Instead, I was pleasantly introduced to Manet himself, with some excellent on-location filming in the Parisian apartment where he was born. The paintings are given backstories, and aspects are interestingly highlighted to the viewer. While not a full hour, the camera does allow for generous screen time of the paintings themselves, and to see them in glorious HD on a cinema screen is perhaps the biggest advantage of an exhibition film over the real thing. The selection of Manet’s paintings themselves is quite noteworthy. While some of his best known paintings such as Olympia were missing from the real exhibition at the Royal Academy, they were still discussed in the film, which created a bit of inconsistency—if you were at the real exhibition, Olympia would not have just materialised in the room. However, a pleasant surprise in the painting collection was the unexpected number of portraits. While Manet is best known for his paintings of candid scenes of human life, the film explains his lesser-known beginnings as a portraitist and his continuation of painting portraits until the very end of his career. The link between these lesserand better-known paintings is also explained— Manet would use the real people he painted in his portraits later as actors and actresses in his imagined scenes, creating hybrid paintings of a real yet unreal tone.

Perhaps the biggest gripe I have with the film is not the film itself, but the concept of filmexhibition overall. Even though it was great to be able to view artwork on the scale of a movie screen in the comfort of a cinema sofa, I was told by a narrator beforehand what to focus on, whether that be a figure’s hat or a certain shade of blue. While true that some of these snippets of art trivia are interesting, it does removes the joy of looking at a painting purely with your mind and letting it wander over to your own points of interest. Also, although being seated while viewing the paintings was at first immersive, it soon began to feel a bit boring with the lack of walking around that real galleries offer and the tangible break between paintings it provides. Manet: Portraying Life is an excellent film for anyone even slightly interested in Manet’s work—a comprehensive biography of himself is vibrantly told, and a good selection of his paintings are shown. However, do not expect to leave the cinema with the same sense of renewal that you may feel when leaving a gallery. Exhibitions through films can be informative, but hardly contemplative. Manet: Portraying Life can still be caught for a few more weeks throughout Lighthouse and Penthouse cinemas in Wellington.

 ARTS

FILM 

Star Trek Into Darkness

review

Directed by J. J. Abrams reviewBy Michael Kumove

Disclaimer: I had never seen, read or heard any kind of Star Trek product before seeing Star Trek Into Darkness. As a result, I am unable to offer any insight into whether it ‘stays true to the original’. But this isn’t really necessary, anyway. Star Trek Into Darkness is a very good film in its own right. Helmed by the seemingly evergreen J. J. Abrams, Into Darkness epitomises everything great about the Hollywood blockbuster—it’s big, flashy, compelling, and a little bit corny. The relationship between Captain Kirk (Pine) and his co-pilot Spock (Zachary Quinto) is really the heart of the film. Kirk is impulsive and macho, while Spock favours brains over brawn. If nothing else, the film can be seen as a meditation on the merits of their two

very different leadership styles. How should one behave in a time of crisis? Is it morally acceptable to make decisions purely for the greater good?

11 previous films based on the same show—for lacking originality. Originality is not the point. Enjoyment is the point, and Into Darkness offers it in spades.

However, I don’t wish to give the impression that Into Darkness is an intellectual film, because it isn’t. It is a big, silly blockbuster. Still, it is very much worth seeing, not least due to the fine performances of Pine, Quinto, Cumberbatch and Simon Pegg (as Scotty of “Beam me up, Scotty!” fame). The script is tight and the camaraderie enjoyable.

3/5

On the other hand, the film lacks originality. Captain Kirk seems little more than a genre archetype—the overconfident but talented young cadet who flouts the rules and puts his whole crew in danger, getting “suspended from duty” as a result. How many police procedurals have you seen that in before? Nevertheless, it seems a little unfair to criticise a film spawned from a 1960s TV show—with

What’s On Fast & Furious 6: Why the hell are they still making these? There are only so many times one can endure a flashy gimmick. Shopping: In 1980s New Zealand, two brothers encounter a charismatic thief named Benny. The older brother, Willie, is soon torn between two worlds: the criminal fraternity, and the troubled family life he and his brother were born into. This film has been receiving considerable international attention, even premiering at the 2013 Sundance Film Festival.

work for salient! Want to see your name in these illustrious pages? We have positions available for Trimester 2; apply now to join Team Salient. Paid Position:

Unpaid Positions:

Distributor (3 hours/week):

Film, Theatre, and Visual Arts Editors:

The distributor is in charge of delivering Salient to Karori, Te Aro, Pipitea, and a number of other sites around town. Perks involve getting to drive the VUWSA van to the tune of Chamillionaire’s ‘Ridin’ Dirty’ every week. A full, clean, manual New Zealand Driver’s License is a must for all applicants, as well as being available from 9-12 every Monday morning. Keen to take the VUWSA wheels for a spin each week? Apply with your CV now!

Each of these pages needs an Editor to look after it! The specialised Arts Editors are in charge of the content of their page each week, which includes writing, conducting interviews, and editing contributors’ work. You will report directly to our delightful Arts Editor Philip McSweeney. Send us a CV and 1-2 samples of your writing to apply.

Send all applications and expressions of interest to editor@ salient.org.nz. Applications close 5 pm on Friday 14 June.

 41

PUZZLES 

PUZZLES 'dazed and confused' - DIFFICULTY: MEDIUM

ACROSS 1. Diatribe 5. Screw, to Austin Powers 9. Midday times 14. Additive in some soaps 15. '____ Horny' (2 Live Crew hit) 16. Host who, in a meme, gives her audience BEES! 17. Jazz great Simone 18. 'Born Free' lioness 19. “To the world you may ____ person...”

20. Mountaineer who may have beaten Hillary to the top of Everest 23. Follow on from 24. Atkins or grapefruit, e.g. 25. Golf tourney assn. 28. Entreaty 31. Let out a sigh, maybe 33. Qualified number-cruncher (abbrev.) 36. Woman in Genesis 38. African antelope 39. Visitors to a gingerbread house

44. Render void 45. One half of a Monopoly pair 46. Had a bite 47. Goes into business again 50. Member of a jury, in theory 53. ___ 3000 (cult comedy series, for short) 54. Gentle curry order 56. Musical breaks 60. She flew solo across the Atlantic in 1932 64. Paragon of evil, to some 66. Sound of applause 67. Robert ____ (Civil War commander) 68. Actor's rep 69. Last word of an ultimatum 70. Tied 71. Medicinal amounts 72. Used henna, maybe 73. What 20-Across, 39-Across and 60-Across all got DOWN 1. Follower of firing or free 2. Klaatu or Alf 3. Things that aren't allowed 4. Shred 5. Hook's first mate 6. Steer, as a boat 7. Bashar al-_____ (Syrian president) 8. Soccer player that can use their hands 9. “It's not a problem” 10. Abbrev. on old phones 11. Montana motto, meaning 'gold and silver' 12. Photographer Goldin 13. That woman 21. Stylist's gunk 22. Superman foe Luthor

Quiz 1. True or false: 2020 will be the first year in which New Zealand, the US and the UK have all held general elections in the same year. 2. What is the cheese made specifically for grilling or frying? 3. Dilma Rousseff is President of which country? 4. What species of dragon did Harry Potter fight as part of the Triwizard Tournament in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire?

6. Which character does Mandy Patinkin play in the TV series Homeland? 7. In what year did the Hurricanes reach the Super 14 grand final, the Miami Heat win their first-ever NBA Championship, and the Warriors record their biggest-ever win in the NRL?

11. Rearrange EXONERATING into a group of people born after the Baby Boomers (10,1)

8. What is the rumoured name of Kanye West’s new album?

10. Which country gained its independence from New Zealand in 1962?

2006. 8. Yeezus. 9. Saturn. 10. Samoa (then known as Western Samoa). ANSWERS: 1. True. 2. Halloumi. 3. Brazil. 4. The Hungarian Horntail. 5. Hong Kong. 6. Saul Berenson. 7.

variety puzzles & CROSSWORD by puck — ANSWERS NEXT ISSUE

42 

LAST WEEK'S SOLUTION

YEAR LONG PUZZLE:

9. Which planet does the moon Titan orbit?

5. Which is larger, Hong Kong or Singapore?

26. 'The Maids' playwright Jean 27. Confuse 29. What you get when you order unagi 30. Gardner in 'The Killers' 32. Brew in a pub 33. Item on some bracelets 34. Transparent panels 35. Makes notes on 37. Termination 40. Dine, in old-speak 41. They have atomic weights 42. Follower of 'skinny' 43. “Oh em ___!” 48. Nothing, to a 8-Down 49. Dealt to a cake 51. Make a mistake 52. Fix up boots, in a way 55. Dawdle 57. Burst of gunfire 58. Ash and Birch, for two 59. Mesh tube used in surgery 61. Mufasa has one, but 18-Across doesn't 62. Relaxation 63. Copied 64. Downhearted 65. Fifth word of 'American Pie'

 PUZZLES

Target

r n m

o t o y a s

Target rating guide: 0-15 words: do you

Bridging the Gap

even go here? 16-25 words: alright

Some of the words span the gap in the middle of the puzzle. When they do so, they drop a letter into the gap. When the puzzle is finished, the empty line will spell a word reading from left to right.

Difficulty: Easy

26-45 words: decent

AIRPORT

46-60 words: PRO

BRIDGE OUT

60+ words: free drink

BUMP BUSES ONLY CURVE CYCLE PATH DETOUR DIVIDED HIGHWAY FIRST AID FLOODING GIVE WAY HOSPITAL KEEP LEFT LIGHTHOUSE LOOKOUT MEN AT WORK MOTORWAY ENDS NEXT EXIT NO EXIT NO U-TURN OVERSIZE PASS WITH CARE PICNIC AREA ROLLOVER SCHOOL SLIPPERY WHEN WET SPEED LIMIT STOP TAXI STAND TOWAWAY ZONE TURNPIKE VARIETY SOLUTION FROM LAST WEEK: The solutions, with

TWO WAY

the currencies in capitals, are: comPOUND, teLEKinesis,

USE LOW GEAR

orDINARy, nEUROlogy, disenFRANChise, semiCOLON,

VIADUCT

factoRIAL, hYENa, RANDom, milLIRAdian.

WRONG WAY YIELD

Sudoku difficulty: easy

difficulty: medium

difficulty: hard

 43

LETTERS 

letters finding love in a hopeless place Hi Salient, I have a confession to make. The cute girl who sits with that devilishly handsome guy on the overbridge every Wednesday at 10 rocks my world. She seems really cool. From the conversations I've overheard she sounds like my kind of girl. We should hang out some time. Admiring from a distance, Keepin' It Real PS, sorry I almost ruined Into Darkness for you ;)

Perhaps if the Young Nats contributed then right wing content would trickle down

animal with a will to be safe and preserve

conflict. I feel Jerry Springer and Jeremy Kyle

myself, it's sinister and completely repellent to

are 40 minute segments of prime-time where

me. To stay around people who talk this way

we masturbate over how bad other people's

would be to neglect my 'survival instinct'.

lives are and pat each other on the back with

The speaker apparently wants me to laugh sheepishly and be complacent underneath their talk of rape, hatred, and/

sticky hands in congratulations that we are better than them. As a third-party observer I prefer level-

or massacre - this is their goal. To achieve it,

headed discussion and stimulating debate

which would seemingly gratify the speaker in

any day of the week- except Mondays

some way, they attempt to manipulate me by

because that's Game of Thrones night.

claiming that their expression is humour. Here is how they attempt to manipulate

But with the Salient 'Letters' section I make an exception. The on-going war

me: firstly, if I won't 'play along' for the

between 'Fez Guy' and 'Bitter and Alone'

speaker's gratification - that is, if I express

has me turning pages, and indeed is the only

right now how the speaker's words

thing in Salient that is. Everything else has

threatened me and generally made me feel

become passé; Dinocop's not really a cop

unsafe - the speaker will attempt to humiliate

anymore, the budget is bad and the best

me by casting me as 'politically correct',

direction to turn is Left.

by saying that I 'can't take a joke', or by

So I doff my hat to you- not a fucking

'jokingly' attempting to squash me in some

fez however- and say congratulations!

other way. I don't care.

Sensationalize away Salient! I want problems

Secondly, by claiming that their

blown out of proportion, blatant rhetoric and

expression is humour, the speaker attempts

issues exaggerated! I wants fights and feuds

to deny responsibility for the responses

and exciting captivating facades, because

Dear Socialient,

their expression creates in others that are

otherwise all I have left to masturbate to is

Over the last few weeks I've started to

not those that a person 'ought' to have in

Oprah re-runs.

notice just how biased Salient is towards

response to a joke. They attempt to paint the

Fight, 'Fez Guy' and 'Bitter and Alone', fight!

the left-wing, and it's seriously grinding my

response which their expression has created

Yours rhetorically,

gears. At first I would ignore it and skip to

in me as an invalid response: illegitimate, to

Third-Party (BYO)

the next article, but the Budget issue was

be disregarded.

sickening. I knew as soon as I saw the cover

- Sophia, Guide My Hand Dear For sale-lient

leaping out at me in Rutherford House that

Your magazine has my heart racing. You

this issue was going to be bad news. Not even the editorial escaped the revolting, inappropriate bias that seems to have overtaken Salient and the whole of VUWSA in general. Do you not understand

it seems that people are really inter-fez-ted in this issue!

know what I'm referring to. The Fez-guy versus Bitter and Alone guy battle. I haven't seen a feud like this since Tupac took on Biggie in the East Coast West Coast feud of the nineties. I am, of course, on Team Bitter

the meaning of 'impartial'? Hey Still Bitter, Still Alone, Increasingly Angsty

and Alone guy. Mainly cause Fez-guy used

I have to say I'm saddened you are

that terrible "It's a joke not a dick" line. But

of the budget was the final straw. Jesus, if

cutting things off so early. I envisaged this

I must know, what exactly is a fez. I have no

I wanted to read a big spiel of delusional

as the beginning of a magnificent nemesis

idea who this person is, or why I loathe him

left-wing banter, I would have subscribed to

relationship, our letters to one another would

so thoroughly. Also I found it kind of funny

Russel Norman's mailing list instead.

get increasingly more witty and personal till we

that in the letter of the week last week, the

decided to duel in the Hub, making correlations

person who wrote about someone writing

between phone calls I probably would have

between the size of each other’s mothers and

ancestor instead of descendent also wrote

quit my god-awful job by now - I'll give you

the silliness of our headgear (I imagine you

"You guys are fucking discussing." Perhaps

that. But please, give us right-wing kids the

would wear something suitably German) whilst

international, perhaps not, but I shall continue

voice and the representation we deserve.

banging away at one another with sabres.

the cycle!

Rory's rant typically reads like a Young Labour pamphlet but last week's review

If I didn't have Salient to skim-read

Your favourite Young Nat. P.S. Fairer Fares is a stupid campaign.

You come across as a somewhat munificent person, I wish you well in your

Much love, loyal reader P.S. Where's dinocop?

endeavours good Sir/Madam. Yours Algebraically

Stand up, fight back

Fez Guy

My Salient brothers and sisters,

..who tells us to ‘walk into the ocean’ and threatens mass shooting: I know this kind of talk, and as a living

44 

can i borrow a feeling?

Dear Sensationaliant. I normally deplore the sensationalism of

Last week you done published an article 'bout debt and such. Now I don't doubt these

 LETTERS

letters Cam and Duncan fellas are some cool-ass

15 years ago…) to complete some post grad

fashion and designer rags. They think you are

cats, but daang, they done got hot under the

study, having found myself, thanks to the

a bit deranged just because you catch their

collar 'bout debt and all dat jazz. An' I gots

GFC (Google it morons…) without gainful

train. They mock you when you are upset

to say, brothers, just chill. 'Cos ya see, we can

employment and at a, shall we say, ‘loose end’.

they think it has to do with them

borrow all we want, and when our children,

Permit me, a couple of observations:

They wear nice clothes and think you

and our children's children, gots to pay it

• Students are generally better dressed than

notice, as if I have the time or patience. They

back, they can just borrow some mo'. It's all

they were back “in the day” – does that mean

always try to look so clever, as if I care whose

part of the eternal cycle of life; debt makes

students per se have a better dress sense…or

grades are better. They’re everywhere when

the whole dang world go 'round, brothers.

that only richer people are at varsity, people

sick of them yet nowhere when you pine for

Can ya dig that?

who can afford clothes?

them. They talk excitedly in class distracting

Groovily yours,

• There is a lot of bitching about the hub

you at every chance. Friends are always in

Harry Hippie

– get a grip fucktards…it is FAR superior

their focus so strangers cannot heed their

to the quad..far, far superior, and congrats

notice. They flirt, gossip, stare and jest and

to whoever had the stroke of genius to lift

never do they make amends. For though your

that DISGUSTING carpet in what is now the

beauty is quite fair your attitude makes me

Hunter Lounge, walking in there and NOT

despair. They mock you for not speaking up,

having my feet stick to the floor was a nice

for only cowards hide their love

wheely not cool Dear “fuck some clown up with a tire

welcome back.

iron” - liant

Draw the world and place you on it, then

As I arrived recently for my Peace and

• First years are SOOOOOOO young..born in

draw me adjacent from it. You can’t because

Reconciliation 207 lecture, I found there were

1995?!? – GET THE FUCK OUT OF TOWN!!!! –

you’re nowhere near even though I sought

no carparks available in the disability carpark.

that’s just crazy talk….

you there. Talk of love or talk of science

I have a disability AND a permit I have

• No compulsory VUWSA fees – and behold,

either way we stand divided

paid for to park in this area, so as you can

with no compulsory fees all the parasites and

appreciate, I was less than impressed.

passengers who infested that “institution”

filled with regrets. Besetting all our chances

and “did so much” for the student body have

yet avoiding us to get revenge

There was only one carpark available but some giant douchbag, who did NOT have

gone…who’d a thunk it?

a disability sticker in his car had parked a

• Heather Roy was good for something after

massive blue penis compensator (A Ford -

all (see above…)

need I say more?) in such a way that it not

• Salient is less radical, BUT more readable,

only took up that carpark, BUT MADE IT

congratulations – there was a dude who used

IMPOSSIBLE TO GET INTO THE ONLY OTHER

to write regular letters to the editor about

EMPTY CARPARK.

“driving the whiteman back into the sea” he

I say they were not disabled but a large

Is this the fairest of our sex suspicious yet

All this and I love her yet, I’m the foolish one, I guess

does that come under course related costs?

was a nice enough bloke but that schtick

christian themed “icon” hung from the mirror

got tired after a while…good to see we’ve all

of the car so who knows what affliction the

moved on.

Dear salient In the Budget issue you mention charities

driver suffers from – being unable to park

Yours etc etc

properly, is, I suspect at the minor end of the

Old man on Campus

and charitable given. Thought I'd make a shameless plug for kiva.org. It makes microloans to entrepreneurs in the third world,

spectrum of things that ail them.

hand up not a hand out etc. Give your spare

Suffice to say, tempted as I was, I did not carve my initials into the paintwork, nor did

tuatara-d of being #foreveralone

I use my tire iron to provide ventilation by removing the window glass in the car…but

dosh to them as they are much better than other charities. Only thing gonna fix the third world is capitalism

be warned, if YOU are the driver of said blue Ford, featuring the invocation to our lord in the windscreen (he sure as fuck dosent help you park does he?), I will not be so lenient next time…park there, in that manner again clown…and you WILL be needing the help of the good lord to get home. Yours etc

To the babe who was drinking a coffee and watching the tuataras on Wednesday afternoon with a bicycle helmet on your bag-lient Hiiii :) You seem like a lovely boy and are a babe From a fellow tuatara fan

Limping and ANGRY

cool story, poe. matured wHine Dear Saliant I have recently returned to Vic after several years absence (did my under-grad

Dear Salient, I was going to write a letter praising the female sex, but Curse those who boast of love not spoken, who bring all thoughts into the open They flaunt you round like fur handbags,

SALIENT LETTERS POLICY 2013 Salient welcomes, encourages, and thrives on public debate – be it serious or otherwise – through its letters pages. Write about anything you like: Beyoncé, puppies, or the metaphysics of space-time. Send us love mail, send us hate mail, send us party invites. We want it all. Letters must be received before 12pm on the Wednesday for publication the next week. Letters must be no longer than 250 words. Pseudonyms are fine, but all letters must include your real name, address and telephone number, these will not be printed. Please note that letters will not be corrected for spelling or grammar.The Editor reserves the right to edit, abridge or decline any letters without explanation. Letters can be sent to: Email: letters@salient.org.nz Post: Salient, c/- Victoria University of Wellington Hand-delivered: the Salient office, Level 3, Student Union Building (behind the Hunter Lounge)

 45

notices 

NOTICES Don't let Godzilla eat your pizza! This Thursday, the Vic Uni Film Society is holding its Monster Film Night, where frightening creatures devour humankind and you get to devour pizza! In Godzilla vs. Mothra, the Japanese army's greatest weapon is an over-sized moth. And in Rawhead Rex, a monster resembling a "nine-foot tall phallus with teeth" rampages through the Irish countryside. Prepare for cheesy pizza and cheesier monsters!  When: 6.30 pm, Thursday 30 May.  Where: Memorial Theatre, Student Union Building.  Cost: $2 entry or $10 for annual membership. Pizza, popcorn and soft drinks provided.  Check out our FB page: facebook.com/ groups/vicunifilmsociety

Vic OE – Vic Student Exchange Programme Earn Vic credit, get StudyLink & grants, explore the world! The best university experience!

REFUGEE BACKGROUND STUDENTS Drop-in centre for refugee background students  Every week day 4-6 pm, there is a drop-in centre in on the 10th Floor of the Murphy Building in Room 1010, to help you with your studies.  The Centre is run by senior students, and you can drop by at any time for help with essays, studying for a test, dealing with a tutor, planning your degree, practicing an oral presentation etc.  You can also just drop by to de-stress, get something to eat and have a chat.  For more info email vuw.dropin@gmail.com

Victoria University Taekwon-Do Club (WTF style) Interested in Taekwon-Do? New to TaekwonDo? Learned Taekwon-Do before? Come along and join us! Great way to keep fit and have fun!  Training times: Tuesday 6.30-8 pm, Long Room, Victoria University Recreation Centre Saturday 3.30-5 pm, Dance Room, Victoria University Recreation Centre  What you need: Drink bottle, comfy trousers/shorts, T-shirt 46 

 Contact us: vuwtkd@hotmail.com We are affiliated to the TaeKwonDo Union of NZ (TUNZ)

696/?fref=ts out for more details or just type 'Intergroup Worship Night' in.

Wellington Law Revue 2013 KARATE CLUB New karate club at Victoria, training in Shotokan Affiliated to TSKF NZ and ISKF International (previously affiliated to JKA)  Training times: Fridays: Advanced: 6.30-8 pm Beginners: 7-8 pm Sundays: Advanced: 4.30-6 pm Beginners: 5-6 pm  To be held at the Kelburn Rec Centre in the Long Room. First few weeks free with no obligation to join.  Contact details: Katy Stove - 027 759 4230 - katy.stove@yahoo.co.nz

VUW Language Ball  We are proud to present to you the VUW Language Ball for 2013. This is for all language students, partners, and friends!  When: Saturday 8 June, 7.30 to 11.30 pm.  Where: D4, 143 Featherston St, Wellington.  Tickets: $40 each.  Your ticket will provide you with: One complimentary drink,* nibbles, a professional photographer, a professional DJ.  Tickets go on sale until 1 June at the LLC (Level 0 Von Zedlitz). Cash payments at the LLC. There are limited numbers so get in quickly! Please note: the dress code is formal and you must be 18 or over to attend (bring certified ID with you).  For more information you can visit our Facebook event page. Just search for 'VUW Language Ball'.

Your favourite law-oriented musical comedy has returned! Auditions for the Bell Gully Wellington Law Revue, a skit-based show performed by Victoria University Law students and young professionals, are on Sunday 9 June. The Revue needs a team of fun-loving, extroverted, and not overly sensitive people (talent is an optional extra) and not just on stage...from the leading lady to the guy dressed as a carpet; from the make-up team to the stage manager; come and have the most fun your pending career will allow (NB: non-Law students are welcome!).  To register for auditions or backstage roles email wlrevue@gmail.com; alternative times can be arranged, just plead your case! In the meantime, find us on Facebook and keep an eye out around campus for more information. “It changed me. In a good way? I don’t know.” - Cast member ’12

CAREERS AND JOBS Details on CareerHub: careerhub.victoria.ac.nz Applications closing soon: Organisations Henderson Reeves Connell Rishworth

27 May

Intergen

30 May

Scott Technology NZICA Xero Palantir Technologies

Westpac (Agribusiness) 1 June

AECOM New Zealand FMG

This is an invitation to music, to fellowship, to prayer, to reading Scripture and to praise! A group of Christians will be meeting in the Student Union Building meeting room 3 this Tuesday, from 6-8.30/9 pm for a time of group worship and prayer in/for the uni, and regardless of whether you are part of any Christian group or church, we would love if you would join us. Matt 18:20! Basically, we just want a reason to meet up with people from across different denominations/groups and to praise God together – esp when stress runs high this time of the trimester. Hope to see you there =)  Check facebook.com/events/194375680714

31 May

GHD

Transpower

Inter-Christian Group Worship

Closing

3 June

Motu Economi & Public Policy Research Trust Shell Opus Transfield Worley

7 June

New Zealand Steel

9 June

Fisher & Paykel

17 June

AIESEC (Argentina)

22 June

Notices Policy: Salient provides a free notice service for all VIctoria students, VUWSA-affiliated clubs not-for-profit organisations. Notices should be received by 5pm Tuesday the week before publication. Notices must be fewer than 100 words. For-profit organisations will be charged $15 per notice. Send notices to editor@salient.org.nz with 'Notice' in the subject line.

SALIENT 'S YOU

VBC

Tune in to your student radio station! 88.3fm or stream online at vbc.org.nz

tues

sat

sun

DJ MP3 Player beep....

DJ MP3 Player beep....

Raw Politik Emanuel & Neas

Brooke

Wake N' Bake w/ Pearce & Duncan

Joe McKay

Maddie

Michael Berriman

The VBC Hip Hop show w/ Fabulous G

Alex, Michael & Nick

Dave & ED

Thursday Drive "Add w Aidan"

Josh King's Drive show

Craig & Pals

The Vinyl Countdown

The B-Side Revolution w/ Richard

Making Waaves w/ Kariiba & Guests

Diddakoi w/ Keszia Tyler

Railroad Blues w/ Ray

7–10am 10–noon

James River!

Podcasts + Mixtapes

DC Current w/ Duncan & Cam

THE BEEF! w/ Matt & Alex

Grace Ace Fills the Space

INFIDEL CASTRO w/ Philip McSweeney

The Imposters

SALIENT w/ Molly & Stella (3-4pm)

Olivia

What Is ART? w/ Virginia

Joe Sloane Drive

Ctrl/Alt/Dlt w/ Keegan &

The Mixtape w/ Sam!

Slim Picking's w/ Slim & Bunny

The Drop w/ Gussie

Train-Spotting w/ Holly & Stumble

PRE-LOAD w/ Matt &

George Armstrong Dead Air

Chris Gilman The Night Shift

THAT'S SO METAL Mitchell

Compulsory ECSTASY w/ Kim & Nic

DANCE! DANCE! DANCE! w/ Tim

12–2pm

The

2–4pm

fri

4–7pm

thurs

7–9pm

weds

9–late

mon

Missed out on getting a show? Spaces come up throughout the year; email your interest to stationmanager@vbc.org.nz

VBC Breakfast Show

w/ Sally & Maddie Sweet music, news, interviews & giveaways

rohan

The Beatcomber w/ Trent Vile

w/

Domo Arigato Mr Robato

w/

Sunday Fly Lorenzo &

w/

gang

friends

GIG GUIDE mon 27

tues 28

weds 29

thurs 30

fri 31

2 for 1

Happy Hour 4-6pm

Happy Hour 4-6pm

Happy Hour 4-6pm

Margherita Pizzas

Psi Chi DSM-V

Halls Stage Off

Mighty Quiz 6:30pm

Claude Rains & Vorn 9:30pm ($10)

mighty mighty

Wellington Sea Shanty Society 9:20pm (free!)

san francisco bathhouse

sat 1

After school special

Las Tetas & Tape Wolf 7" Party 10:30pm ($5)

Urbantramper - Tomorrow We Leave Here release party

Zen Mantra 10:30pm ($5)

24hr Party People 9pm ($10)

8:30pm ($10)

bodega meow cafe

The Duke Wellington Big Band 8pm (free!)

Latin Club 8:30pm (free)

The Adventures of Mikejoffa 9pm ($10)

THe NZ Pacific Salsa Congress 8pm (free!)

The Jam 8pm (free)

Great Expresstations 9pm

John The Baptist & Special Guests

HI KA BRR 9pm (free!)

Nathan Haines 8:30pm ($40)

puppies

Rackets + The Doberman 9pm ($10)

SANDWICHES

Youngsta + Need For Mirrors 10:30pm ($15)  47

To President Rory McCourt and the VUWSA Executive As a VUWSA Member, I request that the Executive direct funding towards obtaining a VUWSA cat by the end of 2013, for the benefit and pleasure of students at Victoria University. Name: VUWSA Membership Number: Signature:

Hand in at the VUWSA Offices in the Student Union Building to show your suppawt for this impurrtant cause.