Salient 09, 2013 - Flatting by Salient

the flatting issue

monday 13th may 2013 VOL 76 ISSUE 09

E I L N A T S 1938

IN DA HOUSE

E I L N A T S

Editors: Stella Blake-Kelly & Molly McCarthy editor@salient.org.nz Designer: Laura Burns designer@salient.org.nz News Editor: Chris McIntyre news@salient.org.nz Chief Reporter: Phillipa Webb News Interns: Sophie Boot & Alex Lewin

1938

Arts Editor: Philip McSweeney arts@salient.org.nz Film Editor: Gerald Lee Books Editor: Alexandra Hollis Visual Arts Editor: Sharon Lam Music Editor: Philip McSweeney Theatre Editor: Diana Russell Games Editor: Patrick Lindsay Feature Writers: Henry Cooke & Patrick Hunn Chief Sub-editor & Uploader: Nick Fargher Distribution Specialist: Joanna Judge Contributors

An Organ of Student Opinion Since 1938

“

One does not merely rent property from Karyn. Karyn does not exist independently of the property she supervises. Karyn becomes part of your life. Karyn is life.

Morgan Ashworth, Caitlin Attenburrow, Hilary Beattie, Megan Beattie, Caitlin Craigie, Nick Cross, Chloe Davies, Trak Elwood, Madeleine Foreman, Penny Gault, Freddie Hayek, Hector and Janet, Jonathan Hobman, Ashleigh Hume, Emma Hurley, Nigella Lawstudent, Jordan McCluskey, Duncan McLachlan, Carla Marks, Alex Morris, Elise Munden, Ollie Neas, Ngai Tauira, Pasifika Students' Council, Alice Peacock, Keegan Platten, Cam Price, Mereana Rademakers, Sofia Roberts, Carlo Salizzo, Emma Smith.

”

Contributor of the Week: Keegan Platten Advertising

our year with karyn - page 26

Contact: Ali Allen Phone: 04 463 6982 Email: sales@vuwsa.org.nz Contact Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University P.O. Box 600. Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766 Email: editor@salient.org.nz Website: salient.org.nz Twitter: @salientmagazine Facebook: facebook.com/salientmagazine

Contents

About us Salient is produced by independent student journalists, employed by, but editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students' Association (VUWSA). Salient is a member of, syndicated and supported by the Aoteroa Student Press Association (ASPA). Salient is funded by Victoria Univeristy of Wellington students, through the Student Services Levy. It is printed by APN Print of Hastings. Opinions expressed are not necessarily representative of ASPA, VUWSA, APN Print, letting agencies, Karyn, but we of Salient are proud of our beliefs and take full responsibility for them. Other

Weekly COntent 3

EDItorial

vuwsa

news

politics

campus digest

This issue is dedicated to: our flatmates

LORDIN' IT OVER YOU

RIGHT OF REPLY 35

WEEKLY RANT NIGELLA LAWSTUDENT

OUR YEAR WITH KARYN

FLAT LOLS DINO COP

arts

WEEK 5. TRIMESTER 2: FLAT 204

BOOKS

MUSIC

ANECDOTES AND ANECDONTS

FILM

VISUAL ARTS

safe as houses

GAMES

30 31

Features 18

Subscriptions: Too lazy to walk to uni to pick up a copy of your favourite mag? We can post them out to you for a nominal fee. $40 for Vic Students. $55 for everyone else. Please send and email containing your contact details with ‘subscription’ in the subject line to editor@salient.org.nz

20 22

SOUNDING OUT THE STUDENT VOICE: PART TWO

Columns 32

IPREDICT, YOU PREDICT DOWN AND OUT IN ARO AND HATAITAI

BENT SECRET DIARY OF @AMANADABYNES

ADVICE

MAD SCIENCE

salient <3 You 42

PUZZLES

LETTERS

NOTICES

VBC GIG GUIDE

 editorial

Drinking Ga

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les Ru rt

top ten

t en li a

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Editorial

rlo

salizzo

u lo -@

Drinks

For each news story about Youth Drinking

9 Drinks

Per allusion to VUWSA incompetence

Hey gurrrrl work, but Guess I missed you before I had to go to at 8am this test my just thought I’d let you know that ASKING. FOR NKS THA morning went GREAT, - SOUNDED Hope you had a GOOD time last night d” from your “frien that is How like you were, anyway. ed pretty quiet seem They ay? anyw days tute doing these HA. At HA when I met them; not so much last night safe. were least I was happy to HEAR you home. I haven’t Anyway, I guess I’ll see you when I get RY, so you can WOR ’T DON got anything on tomorrow, to. need you if late stay up “studying” HAVE A GREAT NIGHT. x

8 Drinks

For every band mentioned you’ve never heard of

7 Drinks

Per picture of a dinosaur

6 Drinks

For every mistake on the Puzzles page

5 Drinks

Whenever a left-wing bias is apparent

! Sometimes I missed you - again u Hey sorry to have but then when yo ally still live here, on the it p m wonder if you actu du d an e out of the machin take my washing e still alive, haha. u’r floor I know yo about that paytoo bad.. Just think ’t sn wa rk wo e op H g, but do you think which... sorry to na er day! Speaking of you drank the oth back for my wine you could pay me night? if we kept you night, thanks! Sorry I did have a great ry. u’d be at the libra up... I thought yo ’s broadband cent of our month Somehow 80 per Perhaps you could .. used up already en be s ha on ati oc all ks? pe calls to your fol cool off on the sky

Molly & Stella

4 Drinks

For each use of the word ‘fuck’

3 Drinks

Every time an em dash appears (—)

2 Drinks

Every time Marc Wilson is quoted

1 Drinks

Whenever a headline contains a pun

VUWSA 

YOUR STUDENTS’

ASSOCIATION

your students' association

THE McCOURT REPORT VUWSA President Rory McCourt

Fairer Fares: Hundreds of students share their stories at Forum You might’ve seen the Hub was absolutely packed last Wednesday when over 200 students came to the VUWSA-organised event to share their stories about the cost of public transport. Students from Kapiti to the Hutt to Lyall Bay explained what it was like to face $140+ a month travel bills, and how fairer fares could really help them get to University, part time jobs and more. We heard about the tough choices many students are making, like only bussing one-way, and walking home. Sam Kearns, one of the students fronting our campaign, said she chooses carefully the days she comes to class at all, paying the $7.90 fare. As your voice, we’ve been questioning whether it’s fair for high school students—99 per cent of whom live at home and don’t face the costs university and polytech students, face like rent, food and power—to be entitled to a 50 per cent discount, but not us. We think it should be extended, and the numbers suggest the move would not be very expensive. The campaign has really been gaining momentum in the last few weeks, with three solid newsprint stories and a feature on TV ONE’s Seven Sharp. The Forum was a nice way to top off that positive week, and I’m looking forward to a couple more regional councillors coming on board with the mounting community support. In the last fortnight the Tertiary Education Union joined the campaign. We’re close to getting a majority, so VUWSA certainly won’t be backing down anytime soon. It’s our job to fight for a better deal for students. Cold, shit flats: Time for a Rental WOF in Wellington My landlord is insane. She’s nuts. She imposed a 10pm noise curfew on us, and even took away our washing line during the week; not to mention the fact she’s hoarding her furniture through us. We have ten mirrors for three people! All of this flat shittery would be OK if I didn’t freeze every night there’s a cold wind passing through. But I do. And to be frank, for what we as students pay, it’s not good enough. Wet, cold and miserable flats should have no place in the Wellington rental market. What we need is a rental warrant of fitness before landlords can rent out their otherwise derelict abodes to unsuspecting students. It’s an idea whose time has come, and there’s strong support from around Wellington. Securing a Healthy Home Bylaw across our city will be VUWSA’s second large-scale campaign this year, and I can’t wait for it to heat up! It’s our job to fight for a better deal for students.

4

Student Loans and Allowances: Here’s hoping the Budget backs students Every year the Government decides what changes to revenue and spending it will make in the Budget. Budget 2012 was pretty crap for students and student support. The National-Act-Maori Party-United Future Government raised the repayment rate (percentage of income we pay back, on top of tax, when we graduate), as well as gutting student allowances for postgrad students. Treasury said the first move was stupid, and the Ministry of Social Development said the second one would actually lift benefit numbers! Anyway, the changes happened. Since then we’ve seen fewer postgrad students at Otago and Canterbury. The current Government holds the view that student support costs too much and must be reduced. Here’s hoping they see the incredible economic and social value that a more educated workforce can deliver for New Zealand’s future. Whether we want to be a little tech giant, or the best darned cow milkers in the world; the fact remains that we need to produce more scientists, innovators and thinkers. Cutting student support restricts tertiary education to those whose parents can afford to send their kids off to uni. That means we, as a nation, could miss out on the brightest and best from low-income and middle-class homes. Tertiary education changes lives, but it also changes economies. Let’s give everyone the tools to be part of that transformation. We’ll be calling on the Government to back students in Budget 2013, released on Thursday. Why? Because it’s our job to fight for a better deal for students. PS Thanks to all who came to Environment Week events. Especially to GenZero for organising Monday’s, love you guys! xx Rory Reagan

 VUWSA

VUWSA treasurer secretary By Jordan McCluskey Kia Ora. My name is Jordan McCluskey, the VUWSA Treasurer-Secretary. My role is, as my job title suggests, is to look after the finances of VUWSA (Treasurer), and keep all our reporting to the wider student body up to date (Secretary). You’ve already read a few columns from other Exec members by now, and I assume you give the weekly report by Dear Leader, Kim Rory-un a quick skim occasionally. So I am not going to spin a rich and full yarn about the things VUWSA is doing at the moment. Instead, I am going to try to make you a bit richer, while having a vent about things I hate at the same time. 1. Bring your own damn lunch to uni—Food at uni is savagely expensive, with prices comparable to Wellington Airport. Fair enough to have a pie every now and then, but make your own lunch, and save about $50 a week. 2. Instant/filter coffee—Nobody drinks coffee for the flavour. They drink it to stay awake. Cut your coffee bill in half by slumming it. 3. It’s called Cold Water Surf for a reason—When doing your washing, flick the temperature down to cold to reduce your power bill. 4. Shouting people drinks—Don’t do it. Will they remember the next day, and are they likely to ever return the favour? Nope. 5. Apple products—Sure, they may look good, but they cost a lot for a fashion statement, have you ever tried to do word processing on a Mac? Sheesh. 6. Learn to cook—Let the Edmonds Cookbook guide you. There is a lot you can do with $6 mince from Pak'n Save. Plus, leftovers make great lunches. Finally, lucky number seven, All tax is theft, so steal some back. Don’t get a company to do it, you foolish, foolish sucker. Ring the IRD, and get your online services set up. Request your Personal Tax Summary (PTS) online, and hey presto, you may get some of your tax back. A disclaimer though; if you owe money to the IRD, requesting the PTS allows them to chase you down for it. PS Buy some shares with your discretionary income, like in stateowned energy companies. Heh.

NGAI TAUIRA I te wā i tuhia tēnei pānui ko ahau te tumuaki o Ngāi Tauira. Engari, ko te whakaaro i tutuki pai te hui-ā-tau i tērā Paraire, arā kua tū ētahi atu hei kōmiti whakahaere o te rōpū, hei māngai mō ngā tauira Māori ki Wikitōria. Heoi, ko tēnei te pānui whakamutunga nā tēnei tauira-ō-mua. I te wā i akona au i te whare wānanga, i waimarie au ki te kimi i te whānau Māori, arā ko Te Whānau o Te Herenga Waka, ko ngā kaiako o Te Kawa a Māui, ko ngā kaiāwhina o Te Pūtahi Atawhai, nui ake ko Ngāi Tauira. Tēnei te mihi nunui ki a koutou mō ā koutou awhina mai. Nā koutou tēnei i whāngai ki te mātauranga, ki te kai, anō nei ki te aroha hei whānau mōku i Te Whanganui-ā-Tara. Me kore ake koutou hei manaaki mai i a au. Ki a koutou te kōmiti whakahaere o te tau 2013, kia kaha, kia māia, kia manawanui! Mā koutou ngā take o ngā tauira Māori e kawe nō reira tū pakari, tū tika kei waipuketia e ngā tai o tēnei ao hurihuri. Ka nui te mihi, tēnā koutou, tēnā koutou, tēnā rā koutou katoa. Nā Jojo Morgan

PASIFIKA STUDENTS' COUNCIL

Loto Aho Study Session Kirk Building (room next to Ema’s office) Wednesdays 4 pm-6 pm Study Session For 2nd Years And Above Thursdays, 4 pm -6 pm at KK001, Kirk Building. Tivaevae-making Session Tuesdays, 5 pm at Pasifika Haos VUSSA (VUW Samoan Students’ Association) Practices Tuesdays, 5 pm at SUB 217 and SU218 Thursdays, 5 pm at Tennis Pavillion Hula With Te Kura Wednesdays, 7.30 am at Dance Room, VUW Rec Centre FHSS Drop-in Course Advice Fridays, 1 pm at Pasifika Haos Ema Sanga SLSS Drop-in Session Fridays, 1 pm at Pasifika Haos Jenny and Sera Te Putahi Atawhai Drop-in Session Fridays, 1 pm at Pasifika Haos

For more information, contact (04) 463 6242/021 207 4733

5

NEWS





NEWs 

12 stories per week, located in SUB, Kelburn. Ocean views. Over 20 current tenants who welcome friendly company. Rooms free now: email news@salient.org.nz

CLEAN FLATS, DIRTY BUSINESS Students stunned by cleaning sums chris mcintyre

Property-management companies may be cleaning you out of your bond money, as dodgy practices are leaving students hundreds of dollars out of pocket after moving out. Salient has found reports of companies taking large sums from tenants’ bond to pay for professional cleaning, after residents did not leave flats clean enough or did not get flats professionally cleaned. Often, cleanliness was disputed at exit inspections, with tenants asked to pay for cleaning despite having cleaned the flat to what they considered a reasonable standard. Landlords and tenants are governed under the Residential Tenancies Act 1986 (RTA). Under the RTA, tenants are required to leave the property reasonably clean and tidy at the end of the tenancy. If the property is not left clean and tidy, the landlord may take money from your bond to cover the cost of cleaning, on the proviso that these costs are reasonable. Any clause within a tenancy agreement which explicitly requires floors to be professionally cleaned by the tenant breaches the RTA. Fifth-year BSc student Matt reported his flat was asked to pay for professional cleaning after the cleanliness of the flat was disputed at the exit inspection. “Once we threatened to take them to the Tenancy Tribunal, they dropped it,” Matt told Salient. Matt believes the backdown suggests the property company had no reasonable claim to require professional cleaning to take place. Salient contacted the company in question, but no comment was provided by the time the magazine went to print. Salient spoke to a number of different groups of tenants who reported cleaning money being taken from their bond after exit inspections for cleaning, despite the flats being left in a clean condition. Law student Ollie had $288.75 taken from his flat’s bond money after an exit inspection 6

undertaken after the tenancy ended, when all flat members had left the city for the summer break. His flat had some mould on four ceilings, a couple of rusty oven trays, and had not been properly cleaned under the fridge. Eight and a quarter hours of cleaning at $35 per hour was deducted from their bond, a sum Ollie did not believe was fair. “The problem was that you can clean it up to what you think is a reasonable standard, but they won’t give you another chance to make the standard if they don’t think it’s good enough. “They just came in, used the professional cleaners to clean it up, and then dropped this big bill on us. We didn’t dispute it because we didn’t have any photos from when we moved in.” Despite the tenancy ending in early February, their flat was not repaid their bond money until late April. The property-management company in question also did not respond to a request for comment. Another Victoria student’s flat had nearly $300 of their bond taken for cleaning costs to professionally clean the carpets. She accompanied the property agent on the exit inspection, and disputed the agent’s assessment of the property’s cleanliness. “I had cleaned the house myself, we scrubbed the walls. It was in good condition,” flat member Harriette told Salient. Sue Yiannoutsos, owner of Full House Management—the company managing Harriette’s property—said she was adamant her company ran its operations by the book, providing tenants the opportunity to clean themselves. “If we don’t have a [new] tenant moving in [the next day], we will give [old tenants] 24 hours and a list of things we want them to do. “I can categorically say that we don’t [take money from people’s bond without asking]. You

can’t get commercial cleaning done unless they agree to it, and we cannot do it until they agree to it. And if they don’t sign off to the cleaning, we go to Tenancy Services.” A Tenancy Tribunal ruling can allow a property-management company to take money from bond without tenants’ signatures. However, only one signature is needed, and Yiannoutsos blamed miscommunications among flatmates for misunderstandings with bond money. “You can’t take [money] out of the bond unless the tenant signs it and says that we can. Say [one flatmate] signs the form, that’s not a problem for us, that’s a problem for the other flatmates.” VUWSA President Rory McCourt said flatting could be a "terrifying experience". "While most landlords are good and fair to students, there are some real bastards out there. The power imbalance means students are often pressured into not claiming the conditions they're entitled to," McCourt said. Nicki McLeod from the Wellington Citizens Advice Bureau recommends new tenants photograph everything when they arrive, as property-management companies can be “cagey” about cleaning costs. “It’s a bit subjective, but if the tenants think ‘no, no, no, that’s completely unfair’, they would have the right to take it to the Tenancy Tribunal. “If it’s not in the contract, it’s pretty rough. But students do have the right to get a quote for that cleaning [if they feel costs are unreasonably high],” McLeod told Salient. Students who feel they have been unfairly treated by landlords can make an application to the Tenancy Tribunal online at dbh.govt. nz. The Citizens Advice Bureau can answer questions about renting and provide advice, and can be contacted on 0800 367 222.

 NEWS

SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! The Lil Joan Remix Chris McIntyre

Residents at a Victoria Hall of Residence have been left feeling sick of hall management, after feeling pressured into taking flu jabs. Halls of Residence have been hosting clinics since early April. Students at Joan Stevens Hall reported to VUWSA that immunisation was made out to be compulsory, with those who declined the jab subject to alternative requirements. Under Section 11 of the New Zealand Bill of Rights Act 1990, everyone has the right to refuse to undergo any medical treatment. Associate Director of Student Accommodation Nick Merrett denied immunisation was compulsory, stating flu vaccinations were “a personal choice” and that “no one is forced to have one”. Students who declined immunisation were asked to provide a health-management plan to staff, detailing their plans should they fall ill, and advised they would be sent home were they to contract serious influenza.

“[Students are] informed of the isolation process should they become very ill and advised that if, at any stage, the support required is more than can be provided at the Hall, they will need to go home to fully recover,” Merrett told Salient. According to Garry Brown, Medical Director of Student Health Service, the 73 per cent of Joan Stevens residents immunised stand to increase their likelihood of gaining good grades. “160 of the 220 residents at Joan Stevens Hall chose to have the free flu vaccine … a decision that increases their likelihood of remaining well and achieving success academically,” he said. Merrett confirmed to Salient he was “comfortable” with the process followed at Joan Stevens, and stated the immunisation process is “consistent” across the halls. However this differs from students Salient spoke to, with current and former students accusing Boulcott, Te Puni and Helen Lowry Halls of pressuring students into receiving the shots.

Flu shots are provided at the University before the start of winter each year—when the risk of contracting influenza is highest. Three clinics were held at Kelburn last week and were well attended, according to VUWSA President Rory McCourt. McCourt said the number of students getting immunised had increased this year, although exact numbers wouldn’t be known until after Salient went to print. “We always run out of the immunisation fluid,” he said. Immunisation is the best defence against influenza, a virus which infects the nose, throat and lungs. Symptoms include fever, chills, muscle aches, a runny nose, coughing, and stomach upsets, and may come on quickly. All students are elligible for a free immunisation shot from Student Health.

environment week Distracted students to find other excuses Mereana Rademakers

Last week’s Environment Week suffered from its own personal drought, with students scarce and events “dry as hell” according to some. The 2013 edition of VUWSA’s annual Environment Week featured a presentation on sustainable transport initiatives, a native-plant-restoration event, a community-garden workshop, a forum on the Fairer Fares campaign, a climate-change seminar, and a Fair Trade Fair. However, the week has been criticised as most students were unaware, uninformed and uninterested. Some blamed VUWSA for the lack of advertising and information provided to promote Environment Week. VUWSA President Rory McCourt said they could have been better organised with their communications, and will strive to be better for further events throughout the year. “Organisers need to be running around the campus with green T-shirts or some shit, so people know it’s Environment Week, ‘cause I had no idea,” one student told Salient. VUWSA’s Wellbeing and Sustainability Officer, Rick Zwaan, defended what was overall a “successful week”. “A number of events were well attended, and well organised. It’s good to expose campus environmental groups.” Salient attended last Tuesday’s event at the Kumutoto restoration site, by the squash courts. A mixture of undergraduate and PhD students were planting natives and monitoring the survival rates of plants put in place last year. The aim of this project was to help restore a native ecosystem right in the heart of our city; however, students spoken to on campus were ambivalent towards the restoration.

“To be honest, giving up my time to plant a plant is not something I would do without a direct reward,” they said. Zwaan stated the range of events provided a broad base for students to engage with, and that ongoing events throughout the year will provide further opportunities to engage students with environmental activism.

7

NEWS



northern suburbs

NORTHLAND

p/week

p/room

p/week

p/room

2 BEDROOM

$317.75

$158.87

$391.50

$130.50

2 BEDROOM

$386.50

$193.25

3 BEDROOM

$498

$166

4 BEDROOM

$501

$125.25

4 BEDROOM

$641.50

$160.37

TRANSPORT

$39.80

N/A

$26.60

TRANSPORT

thorndon

p/week

p/room

$416

$208

2 BEDROOM

karori

p/week

p/room

2 BEDROOM

$352.50

$176.25

3 BEDROOM

$503

$167.66

4 BEDROOM

$643

$160.75

TRANSPORT

$35.40

N/A

3 BEDROOM

$521

$173.66

4 BEDROOM

$582

$145.50

TRANSPORT

$26.60

N/A

central

p/week

p/room

2 BEDROOM

$440.50

$220.25

3 BEDROOM

$588

$196

4 BEDROOM

$684.50

$171.12

TRANSPORT

$16

N/A

kelburn/aro valley

p/week

p/room

2 BEDROOM

$421.50

$210.75

3 BEDROOM

$550

$183.33

4 BEDROOM

$658

$164.50

TRANSPORT

$16

N/A

brooklyn

p/week

p/room

2 BEDROOM

$389

$194.50

3 BEDROOM

$497

$165.66

4 BEDROOM

$615

$153.75

TRANSPORT

$26.60

newtown

N/A

island bay

p/week

p/room

2 BEDROOM

$388.50

$194.25

3 BEDROOM

$460.50

$153.50

4 BEDROOM

$589

$147.25

TRANSPORT

$35.40

N/A

8

mt cook

p/week

p/room

2 BEDROOM

$387

$193.50

3 BEDROOM

$481.50

$160.50

4 BEDROOM

$576

$144

TRANSPORT

$26.60

N/A

p/week

p/room

2 BEDROOM

$414

$207

3 BEDROOM

$511.50

$170.50

4 BEDROOM

$646

$161.50

TRANSPORT

$16

N/A

 NEWS

A FLAT NOTE How much are you paying for your rent? Chris McIntyre, additional reporting by emma hurley & chloe davies

Rent’s going up, but it’s not as bad as it sounds, with recent data showing modest increases in Wellington’s rents for the last year. The national average increase in rents as a whole was four per cent, with Wellington’s rents rising at a slower rate than the rest of the country. Figures from the Department of Building and Housing show average rent in Wellington was $442 in March, a 3.2 per cent rise from the same time last year when average rent was $402. Despite rising at a slower rate than the national average, Wellington’s average rent of $442 is still over $80 higher than the national average rate of $361. Though Auckland’s rents fell on average by 1.7 per cent last year, the average rent in the city is 36 per cent higher than the rest of the country. Canterbury’s average rent did not

change significantly last year. While the gap in the numbers is clear, Wellington remains one of the most affordable large cities in New Zealand for renting according to the Department of Building and Housing. This is a positive change for renters, after a 2011-to-2012 increase of 14 per cent in Wellington’s average rent meant those renewing tenancies were in for a sharp rise. Both last year’s modest increase and the sharp rise from 2011 to 2012 were abnormal, with rent typically rising between 6 and 8 per cent in any given year. Rents rose and fell at different rates across Wellington from 2012 to 2013, the largest increases being 20 per cent in Johnston Hill, Karori, 11 per cent in Lambton, and 12

per cent in Vogeltown. Brooklyn, Newtown, Miramar, Kingston, and parts of Aro Valley also rose by up to ten per cent. Residents of Mt Cook saw a nine per cent decline in average prices, while Karori rents (excluding Johnston Hill) fell 6.5 per cent. Rents in Kilbirnie, Thorndon, Mt Victoria and Kelburn all fell slightly. Data show those willing to live further out of the city centre are rewarded with much lower rents, with average rents in Porirua ($341), Lower Hutt ($315) and Upper Hutt ($298) all significantly lower than both Wellington City rents, and the national average rent. However, transport costs for commuters from these areas often mean savings are marginal. All current market-rent data can be viewed at dbh.govt.nz/market-rent.

mt victoria

p/week

p/room

2 BEDROOM

$452.50

$226.25

3 BEDROOM

$570.50

$190.16

4 BEDROOM

$722

$180.50

TRANSPORT

$16

N/A

lower hutt

p/week

p/room

2 BEDROOM

$340.50

$170.25

3 BEDROOM

$441

$147

4 BEDROOM

$521

$130.25

TRANSPORT

$39.80

N/A

hataitai

p/week

p/room

2 BEDROOM

$387.50

$193.75

3 BEDROOM

$453.50

$151.16

4 BEDROOM

$565

$141.25

TRANSPORT

$26.60

N/A

Transport costs estimated on return travel by bus/train to University per week.

9

NEWS



Public Debate Re: Republic Holden not holdin’ on to monarchy Sophie Boot

The final debate in a series on the constitutional review was held on Monday night at Victoria University, with participants discussing the question of New Zealand becoming a republic. The debate was the fifth in the series run by the Centre for Public Law, which has included topics such as ‘Māori aspirations for constitutional change’ and ‘Human rights in the constitution’. Chair of the Republican Movement Lewis Holden spoke, along with Professor Janet McLean, a specialist in constitutional law from Auckland University, and Michael Mabbett, a senior solicitor at Russell McVeagh. Professor McLean spoke as a fairly neutral party and mostly talked about issues within the law, while Holden and Mabbett respectively argued for and against the idea. The debate focussed on both technical and philosophical questions around the idea of NZ as a republic. Discussed on the technical side was how the transition away from the monarchy would work, how a new head of state would

be elected, and which elements of the present system could be affected by such a move. Professor McLean raised the concept of “republicanism lite”, which she said could arise from retaining the current system and simply replacing the monarch with a neutral head of state, similar to the present role of GovernorGeneral. This phrase was repeated throughout the debate, as was the question over how exactly the power would be distributed in a New Zealand republic—whether a president would be directly elected or not, and if so, whether they would have more power than the legislature. Holden, supporting the republican movement, argued that it was unfair that a New Zealander could never be New Zealand’s Head of State. He also questioned whether New Zealanders could truly see themselves as independent under the current system. Mabbett spoke in support of retaining the current system. In general, he disagreed that New Zealand needed an indigenous head of state, and described Holden’s idea of independence as

JUST WHAT WE WANTED

Shadowy Business

New ways to work for no pay

Students shadow business leaders, bad headlines result.

Alex Lewin

Sofia Roberts

Students wanting a job they don’t want to be paid for are in luck, with Student Job Search (SJS) trialling an unpaid section from June. The employment service will be enabling registered charities and volunteer agencies that support charities to list unpaid jobs through the SJS website. The site already offers volunteering jobs to members. “Employers are telling us that work experience is emerging as the determining factor for postgraduate employment success," reads a statement on the SJS website. A recent StudyLink poll revealed 80 per cent of students are interested in the idea of being able to easily search for unpaid or volunteer work. VUWSA President Rory McCourt said that VUWSA had been notified about this new plan for unpaid work, referring to the unpaid-work plan as being “community-focussed, not Vic-focussed”. “We will have to talk about the impact that [the unpaid service] will have at Vic,” said McCourt. Some students spoken to by Salient are looking forward to gaining experience from the service. Emily Reeves, a current Victoria student who has recently come back from volunteering in Kenya, says she thinks that the new Student Job Search will make it a lot easier for people who have always wanted to volunteer to be able to find a way to do so. “I definitely think it’ll make it easier in order to find … work around New Zealand”. Two-thirds of New Zealanders aged 15-24 undertake unpaid work each year, slightly higher than the national average of 64.6 per cent. 10 

“reverse cultural cringe”. He also said that New Zealand’s system of government had evolved to become our own, but that it was important to respect the British heritage we have. A poll run by the Herald on Sunday in January 2013 found that more people—43.3 per cent—would prefer to see New Zealand become a republic than have Prince Charles as head of state, a proposition which 37.4 per cent supported. In 2010, a member’s bill from Green MP Keith Locke proposing a referendum process to give New Zealanders the option of voting to become a republic was defeated 68-53 at its first reading. The ‘Constitutional Conversation’ is an advisory panel which was set up following National’s confidence-and-supply agreement with the Māori Party after the 2011 election. There is currently a public consultation phase which will last until July, after which the panel will report to Bill English and Pita Sharples. The debate will be broadcast on Radio New Zealand on Sunday 12 May at 4.06 pm.

Victoria students looked into the mouths of financial dragons last Thursday at the final of the ‘Shadow a CFO’ competition, held in Rutherford House. The competition gave top Victoria students the opportunity to follow a top New Zealand Chief Financial Officer (CFO) around for a day. During the final, nine students performed Dragon’s Den-style presentations to the panel of CFOs, arguing why they should be chosen. The CFOs were impressed by the standard of the candidates, so much so that every candidate was selected to shadow a CFO. “[The candidates were of] really high quality, and were really brave,” said Sara Brownlie, CFO of Central Agency Shared Services. Each candidate had to explain why they should be chosen, where they saw themselves in three years’ time, and what it would mean to them if they were chosen. Accounting and Commercial Law student Andrew Burt wanted the opportunity to become the “David Attenborough of the concrete jungle”—to observe the CFOs in their natural habitat. Student Ngahuia Leighton heard about the competition through her Accountancy lecturer and was “excited at the different opportunity”. After the presentations had finished, the judges argued with each other over who got which candidate. At one point, head of the Victoria School of Accounting and Commercial Law Professor Ian Eggleton, jokingly suggested that they bid for candidates and all the money go to his school.

 NEWS

FAIR FARE FEARS DECLARED Students voice concerns on the cost of transport Phillipa Webb

It was all aboard the Fairer Fares train as Victoria students voiced their need for discounted public-transport fares to councillors and politicians at a forum held in the Hub last week. The Hub was a hive of activity and pizza with more than 150 students attending the VUWSA-led Fairer Fares Forum on Thursday. The forum was held as part of the VUWSAled Get on Board for Fairer Fares for Tertiary Students campaign, which aims to “increase the accessibility of study in Wellington through campaigning for Fairer Fares for tertiary students.” VUWSA’s Wellbeing and Sustainability Officer Rick Zwaan said the Forum was a chance for students to tell local and national politicians why tertiary students deserve fairer fares.

VUWSA President Rory McCourt opened the Forum by saying that it was time for fairer fares “right now, because students are finding it really tough”. He was supported by Labour transport spokesperson and Palmerston North MP Iain Lees-Galloway, who said that Palmerston North has had free buses funded by Massey, UCOL and the UCOL students’ association for years. “The model works incredibly well, the buses are full every day and students get into the habit of using public transport and it just makes life that little bit easier for students,” said Lees-Galloway. Green Party MP Gareth Hughes was also in attendance, and expressed his support for the campaign.

Mani Taimalelagi, a third-year student, said he thought the Forum was really good as public transport is an issue that affects all students.

Hughes said that even though he used to be a “Gisborne boy-racer”, his party supports the campaign and want to see a shift in Government focus from “Roads of National Party Significance” to making education more affordable and accessible for students.

Taimalelagi lives in Newtown, and said he sometimes puts on a high voice “just to try and get a child’s fare”. Another student who lives in Kapiti said she spends $300 a month on public transport.

Although many students voiced their concerns about the cost of public transport at the forum, only Wellington Regional Councillor Paul Bruce said he supported the campaign, while Prue Lamason and Peter

Glensor remained tight-lipped about their position. When Salient spoke to Glensor—also Wellington Regional Council’s publictransport deputy chairman—he said he could not see the 50 per cent discount for students proposed by the campaign ever happening. “I think this is an issue of national importance that needs to be addressed by central government rather than the local council.” However, Zwaan said this response was a “cop-out”. “It is an issue of national importance but the Regional Councillors are the key decisionmakers in this process, and the reality is that students need fairer fares now,” he said. Zwaan says the next step in the campaign is to prepare for the Wellington Regional Council meeting in June, when Councillors will vote on the issue. VUWSA President Rory McCourt said he was pleased with the Forum and the student turnout, but said he has learnt from his appearance on Seven Sharp last Tuesday that his haircut was “not the best idea”.

 11

NEWS



CRITICAL CONDITION Students’ Association Rolls Student Magazine Editor: Don’t even think about it, MCCOURT Molly McCarthy & Stella Blake-Kelly

Otago University Students’ Association (OUSA) Manager Darel Hall has suspended Critic Editor Callum Fredric. Fredric was placed on interim suspension early this month, with Sam McChesney appointed as Acting Editor. McChesney formerly worked as Deputy Editor and SubEditor under Fredric, but resigned from both roles in late March. The editorial shake-up became public knowledge last Monday, when Fredric’s presence at the Critic office caused Campus Watch, and then police to be called. Senior Sergeant Benn told the Otago Daily Times, ''When the policeman asked him to leave he did so, and that was the end of that.'' Although the reason why the police were called to the office remains unclear, Critic staff filmed the incident, but then later claimed that the file had “corrupted” when Salient requested it. Salient has been told by staff present that Fredric left when asked, and was not “escorted” from the premises, as was reported in the Otago Daily Times. Fredric wishes to “continue as Critic Editor”, and has sought legal advice on the matter. It is understood that Fredric has lodged a personal grievance claim under the Employment Relations Act, and filed an affidavit of his written evidence in support of the claim on Tuesday. Where an employer suspends an employee in order to investigate alleged misconduct, the Ministry of Business, Innovation & Employment advises that “Suspending an employee is a serious action, and due process and consideration should be applied by the employer in instigating a suspension”. One source told Salient that complaints were obtained by Hall from current Critic staff. The source, who had read the complaints, believed they had been relied upon as grounds for the suspension, but said that the concerns raised were not serious. It has been suggested the tensions between Fredric and Hall began when Hall vetoed 12 

Fredric’s appointment of his girlfriend Maddy Phillipps to the role of SubEditor. This decision was appealed to, but subsequently upheld by, the Planet Media Dunedin Limited (PMDL) Board. At the time, Phillipps had held the role of Feature Writer since the beginning of 2013, and had already worked as a Sub-Editor for the magazine in 2012. PMDL is a wholly owned subsidiary company of OUSA which manages all of University of Otago’s student media, including Critic and Radio One. The PMDL Board is currently comprised of the OUSA President, Vice-President and Finance Officer, and one independent board member. The Board delegates the annual appointment of a Critic Editor to the OUSA General Manager, who also acts as the PDML General Manager. Critic staff, Fredric, and OUSA President Francisco Hernandez all refused to comment on the reasons behind Fredric’s suspension, or specifics of the incident on Monday when questioned by Salient. McChesney was a close runner-up to Fredric in the bid for 2013 editorship. In a radio interview with Salient on Tuesday, McChesney reiterated that he had only been in the job for four days when he was unable to answer more technical questions about the role. Despite this very recent changeover, McChesney will be producing a 52-page issue in his first week; the longest issue of Critic for 2013.

this week's

ions

iPredict is a prediction market run by Victoria University. For more information, go to page 20.

Aaron Gilmore to depart from National Party Caucus by 1 July

70%

Asset Sales Referendum to happen

94%

Celia Wade-Brown to be elected Mayor of Wellington

58%

Grant Robertson to be next Labour Party Leader

43%

ACT to win no electorate seats in the next General Election

68%

 NEWS

Monckey See, Monckey Do Indignant aristocrat’s complaint dismissed Emma Hurley

The Vice-Chancellor of Victoria University has recently dismissed an official complaint made against staff by well-known climatechange sceptic Lord Christopher Monckton. Monckton made the complaint on 11 April, directing allegations of libel, fraud and obstruction of academic freedom against three Victoria staff. Vice-Chancellor of Victoria University Pat Walsh rejected the complaint on 3 May after an investigation found no evidence to support the accusations of libel, fraud or staff misconduct. The complaint was made in response to comments about Monckton in the media, an allegedly inaccurate graph, and the refusal to allow Monckton to book a lecture at the University during a speaking circuit of New Zealand. Monckton claimed the refusal was an obstruction to academic freedom, and that comments made were “fraudulent”. Associate Professor Dr James Renwick had commented that Monckton’s views on climate change were “rubbish”, and Professor of Climate Change David Frame had commented that Monckton “goes around saying things we know

are not true”. Professor Jonathan Boston had refused to host Monckton at the University. Walsh defended the professors and their right to speak even if their opinions were controversial or unpopular. “By speaking publicly in their field of expertise, they were doing exactly what we expect,” said Walsh. Monckton had expected apologies from each of the professors and the removal of the “fraudulent” graph published on the Victoria University website. No action has been taken in response to this. The accused professors were not fazed by Monckton’s complaint, and stood by their claims and actions. “Monckton … has no credibility and no expertise in this field,” said Boston. Other than climate change, Monckton has also cast doubt on the legitimacy of US President Obama’s citizenship. In September 2012, he predicted the odds that Obama's birth certificate is real are "one in 62,500,000,000,000,000,000”, or 65 quintillion.

LOL NEWS

it, but our brains are really just above our noses," said Peter Nakaji, the man’s neurosurgeon. As a neurosurgeon, Salient would hope that’s exactly the kind of thing Nakaji is thinking about.

CHROFLIS MCLOLNTYRE

THE KING OF AUT-POP-SY Jurors in Michael Jackson’s wrongful-death trial were shown a naked autopsy photo as part of proceedings last week, revealing a number of curiosities with the late star’s appearance. The King of Pop’s lips were tattooed pink, his eyebrows tattooed darker, and the front of his scalp tattooed black in order to blend his hairline in with the wigs he would often wear. Jackson’s vitiligo was also confirmed, the disease which changed much of his skin pigmentation from black to white, although jurors were urged that this “didn’t matter”. THAT SNOT GOOD When Arizona man Joe Nagy got a nagging runny nose checked by a doctor, medical staff discovered it was actually brain fluid leaking out a small hole. Nagy’s hole was plugged with a cartilage cork, stemming the 300 mL of fluid the brain can produce each day. "You don't really think about

stay classy, world Three women, missing for ten years, have been found at the house of a school-bus driver in Cleveland, Ohio. Astute neighbour Elsie Cintron said she held suspicions after spotting a “naked lady crawling in the backyard of his house”.

North Korea moved nuclear missiles away from a launch site in the east of the country, signalling reduced tensions on the peninsula. However, this is not the Seoul source of antagonism, and South Korea and the US remain vigilant.

A volcano has put the ‘no’ in ‘Filipino’, killing five hikers in an eruption last week. The five were crushed by Manila boulders.

A 70-million-year-old, 24-foot-long dinosaur skeleton illegally smuggled into the US in 2010 has been repatriated to Mongolia, its country of origin. ‘Commercial paleontologist’ Eric Prokopi pleaded guilty to smuggling in 2012, just one of many skeletons in his closet.

A disgraced public figure created a minor furore after unsavoury behaviour. No one really knew who they were beforehand; people do now, but will soon have forgotten.

BRAZIL GETS THE SACK What has pubic hair, buck teeth, a bowl cut, and googly eyes? If you answered Senhor Testiculo, the new mascot for a Brazilian cancer foundation, you’d be right. The cheery-eyed scrotum will make a sneaky appearance at a number of events this year. The balls-out approach from the Associação de Assistência às Pessoas (or, in English, the Association for Personal Assistance) has pleased cancer nuts across the world, proving it’s a fine line between tumorous and humorous.

headlines that weren't Union of well-diggers goes on strike: “They’re working us into the ground” Adage ruined as another business found to be very similar to show business Outrage as Gareth Morgan admits “you probably can beat Wellington on a good day” Tattooed pastor takes Lord’s name in vein Doctoral thesis on wharf subject to pier review

 13

POLITICS 

left Unhappy Gilmore

P O L I

By Carla Marks Do you know who I am? Hopefully not, I'm an anonymous columnist. But when those words were (allegedly) slurred by MP Aaron Gilmore one would hope that the answer would have been "yes". Too few people know who our MPs are. Creeping in the back benches of our House of Representatives are men and women with names that you’ve probably never heard, and probably never will. Sure, in the course of a normal parliamentary day this doesn’t matter; the Government have the numbers and run the country. However, recent events such as Gilmore’s mishap and the Marriage Equality Bill remind us that every Member is important, and that we should know who they are. We have the privilege of living in a democracy, and yet so many Kiwis care so little that they can’t name their local representative. Blame for this can’t be solely attributed to lazy voters, but also to parties who failed to inspire, and governments who made New Zealanders lose hope. To an even greater extent though, blame should be placed on systemic failures in teaching Kiwis about our system of government and how elections work. Our civics education system is broken. The case for having comprehensive civics education in schools and a voting age of 16 is strong, and one that a responsible government that cares about democracy should implement. Secondly, Gilmore’s shenanigans may have landed him in hot water with his party, but the New Zealand voter has very limited power to get rid of him entirely. In the unlikely event that the National Party place, him high on its list so as to ensure his unique talents will not be lost, he won’t lose his seat even if he loses the support of every one of his local electorate voters. The question of accountability for list MPs is one which needs some thought. While MMP creates a much more representative Parliament, it also poses problems. If Gilmore is dumped from the National caucus, he could remain in Parliament as an independent MP or join a different party. A man who found his way into Parliament solely thanks to the John Key Brand (and a couple of resignations) could stay in the House, earning $140k and making the decisions that shape our country with zero accountability, or even party policy. 'Waka-jumping', as it is known, needs to be addressed urgently. Where an MP’s mandate derives solely from a party and not an electorate they should not remain in the House if they decide to leave that mandated caucus At the time of printing, it appears that Gilmore won’t be dumped, and the current government won’t lower the voting age, nor change waka-jumping laws or make list MPs more accountable. What the Government will do will be to use Gilmore’s vote in the House to push through new spying laws, sell off our assets and cut benefits to the most vulnerable people in our country. I know you’re partial to a drink Aaron, so cheers to that.

14 

NOTES FROM THE FOURTH ESTATE By Phillipa Webb

Salient Makes Councillor Fume Last week it was discovered that Wellington Regional Councillors have been asked to remain tight-lipped when asked by Salient about their position on the Fairer Fares Campaign. Deputy Chair of the Transport Committee and Wellington Regional Councillor for Lower Hutt Peter Glensor said he would not say whether he supported the campaign and “recommended his colleagues to do the same.” In an email, Glensor said he was concerned that Salient had reported in Issue 6 that “five of my colleagues, on the strength of having their photo taken alongside a Fairer Fares person, have made that commitment.”

“That is certainly not what the five are saying to me and the other councillors,” he said. But, contrary to Glensor’s accusations, Salient contacted all 13 Councillors individually for both issues, and it was on that basis that they were reported as being in support of the campaign. Further, fellow Councillor Daran Ponter asserted that Glensor did not speak for him. “I support the student campaign, but I would prefer a nationwide solution,” he said. This week’s report shows that Council support has shifted, with five Councillors on board the campaign and five at the bus stop, while three did not respond before Salient went to print.

On Board: Nigel Wilson: Kapiti Coast, 8438 votes in 2010 election Chris Laidlaw: Wellington, 25,124 votes in 2010 election Paul Bruce: Wellington, 16,142 votes in 2010 election Daran Ponter: Wellington, 14,996 votes in 2010 election Sandra Greig: Lower Hutt, 14,736 votes in 2010 election At the Stop: Peter Glensor: Lower Hutt, 15,712 votes in 2010 election Prue Lamason: Lower Hutt, 13,973 votes in 2010 election Paul Swain: Upper Hutt, 5117 votes in 2010 election Gary McPhee: Wairarapa, 6681 votes in 2010 election Fran Wilde: Wellington, 29,723 votes in 2010 election Unknown (Did not respond before Salient went to print)

Jenny Brash: Porirua-Tawa, 11,553 votes in 2010 election Barbara Donaldson: Porirua-Tawa, 7292 votes in 2010 election Judith Aitken: Wellington, 19,809 votes in 2010 election

 POLITICS

T I C S caption me!

RIGHT AN EMBARASSMENT TO ALL TORIES By Freddie Hayek By the time you read this on Monday, it is highly likely that National Party list MP for nowhere in particular, Aaron Gilmore, will have left Parliament. If he hasn’t, this columnist will be extremely surprised. Freddie Hayek has only been in the presence of Mr Gilmore once, and it was enough. A vulgar, arrogant boor of a man, Mr Gilmore is symptomatic of everything wrong with our warped electoral system MMP, not the National Party.

Send us your best caption for this picture to editor@salient.org.nz, subject line: 'Caption Contest', by 5 pm Thursday.

Best caption wins a free coffee at:

they said what!? @PeterDunneMP7 May Oi! @nzstuff I recognise the grey hair in your piece on the new product to restore hair colour. Not for me, I'm afraid! @TrevorMallard8h Seven nat women MPs in intense hushed discussion. Collins laying down the law. Gilmore lynching party ? @dcunliffemp27 Apr 09 @SueKedgleyMP Christ woman! with all his huffing and puffing he is putting more CO2 into the air than a fleet of badly tuned Hummers @johnbanksnz4 May Poor ducks ..... Plenty of space at the Domain all welcome ! @GarethMP16h Was chatting to an Nat MP about the music I was listening to on my headphones. I said Daft Punk. He said, oh what bands play that music?

You see, like it or not, it is really only the party vote that matters in the MMP environment. In an effort to raise the party vote, political parties in New Zealand run 'kamikaze candidates', in seats they are never going win. In 2008 Aaron Gilmore ran in Christchurch East, one of Labour’s safest seats. He lost but scraped in as National’s last list MP. In 2011 he ran again, and this is where it gets interesting. National actually won the party vote (13,252 versus Labour’s 9100), something which in itself is pretty shocking. However, on the electorate vote, Gilmore lost to Labour incumbent Lianne Dalziel. Badly. Dalziel won 15,559 to 10,225. That means roughly 3000 people who voted for National with their party vote, voted against Aaron Gilmore with their electorate vote. Astonishing, for people who had never met Aaron Gilmore. As for his behaviour during the 2008-2011 term, and his brief 2013 revival, his lack of promotion speaks for itself. Every other National MP elected in his Class of 2008 has gone on to be either a cabinet minister, whip or select committee chair. Mr Gilmore has never been trusted with a whiff of responsibility. Party members also ranked Mr Gilmore lowest of incumbent MPs on the 2011 National Party list. Perhaps there are good reasons for this lack of advancement? Ultimately, Mr Gilmore is a product of our shoddy electoral system. Needing a candidate both wealthy enough and foolish enough to commit to raising the party vote for National in a safe Labour seat for six months, occasionally when National gets a good result, people never meant to become MPs will enter Parliament. Mere lobby fodder, Gilmore could never have won an electorate under FirstPast-the-Post. He would never have won a National Party selection in the good old days. So in closing, resign Mr Gilmore, because… Don’t you know who I am?

 15

CAMPUS DIGEST



CAMPUS DIGEST Campus Diary Mind Your Own Just weeks after Victoria students finally had proof they really were getting “Amongst the Best” thanks to the PBRF rankings, the University has launched its brand new recruitment campaign: ‘Know Your Mind’. The slogan, which will gradually be rolled out through advertising channels around Wellington, already adorns the 2014 Introduction to Victoria guide, and was emblazoned across pens handed out to prospective students at last Thursday’s Studying at Victoria information evening.

Victoria’s ‘Get Amongst the Best’ slogan was in use since 2008, and replaced ‘It Makes You Think’. Unfortunately for Victoria, the URL knowyourmind.com has already been snaffled up by a Melbourne-based business offering “conversational hypnosis” lessons. Seems legit.

Physio Tips

Pay attention to what you are doing. Many injuries occur when people are in a rush or distracted Andrea Marchand, Active Physio

Practice getting up and down off the floor every day, regardless of your age. Make it a habit you are good at Anthea Clements, Anthea Clements Physio

If you are going to be addicted to something be addicted to movement and functional activities. Such an addiction will promote wellness

The campaign will feature significant coverage of students sharing “their personal insights and experiences at Victoria that led to turning points in their thinking”. In one such video, entitled ‘A Day in the Life of a Victoria University Student’, a student gestures to the Hub: “[it] cost the University $67 million to build.” A turning point in University finances, certainly.

Paul Birch, Auckland District Health Board

The Victoria Physiotherapy Clinic provides assessment, treatment and preventative education for all musculo- skeletal problems. Appointments are available at Mauri Ora on the Kelburn Campus and Student Services on the Pipitea Campus. To make an appointment call 463 5257 or visit the one of the clinics. Weekly health advice provided by the staff at Victoria’s Student Health, Student Counselling and Physiotherapy Services.

Pasifika Students' Council Snapchat their support for #fairerfares

Glensor can't bear fairer fares 16 

an apple a day

Victoria University: where umbrellas go to die

ď ? CAMPUS DIGEST

get amongst "the best"

"Don't use other flatties food! - Don't care if the Pope comes over for coffee if you don't have milk you send that F#%@r to Starbucks"

GOING UP

VUW Cupid #684 Jon Snow, Winter is coming. I wish we were too. #708 To Blonde Dreadlock Boy FUCK ME MAYBE? i love your dirty hippy style, i wanna get down and funky with you you can show me how you hippies do it.... i wanna tug on your dreadlocks all night long.

Beautiful Creatures at the Adama Art Gallery - babes everywhere. Troy Collier Beginning to see why Hubside's classic burger is only $5...

Anon xoxo #694 There are two first year twins that walk around with longboards sometimes and are actually super cute. Me and my second year friends have gone cougar town on you two. Reow. #682 WANTED WINTERGIRLFRIEND Lol Jk Money over bitches

Thermals - warmth and a carefree vibe. Lucia Cameron No comment needed

Employed people - unemployment is at a three year low

Overheard @ Vic:

GOING DOWN

Eleanor Strathern Overseen: Woman so busy texting, she crashes pram (with child in) first into The Hub automatic doors. Cassandra Fox Overseen - A guy walking around campus with a Massey bag - someones "cruzin' for a bruizin'" Josh Schlogl Found on a paper that appeared to be flat rules:

Georgie Pie - drunk eating is about to get a whole lot worse.

Daeshan Wichman Overseen today

Brian Tamaki - Always and forever.

ask the magic 8 ball

Is it wrong to get an electric blanket and not tell my flatmates?

Talking in the blue zones - blue for a reason, mate.

YES, DEFINITELY

ď ˘ 17

NEWS FEATURE FEATURES • ϟ

sounding out the student voice: part two By Stella Blake-Kelly

Last week's Sounding Out the Student Voice explained the ongoing issues facing the Student Forum. This week we present the Salient guide to what the Forum is, and what it should be.

For some time Salient has been reporting the troubles that the Student Forum has been facing, as the University’s handling of student representation at Victoria has turned into a bit of a clusterfuck. Unfortunately, for the die-hard student politics fans, or just students who like to keep informed, there is little information available to students—and participants— about how the Student Forum works. In the time since its creation (over a year and a half ago) at the end of 2011, and with over $100,000 allocated to it, the University has failed to create an adequate informational infrastructure required to inform both

18 

students and participants. A quick search of Victoria’s website shows up with zilch. Apart from the odd University policy and statute which define the Forum as “The student representative body formally recognised by the University”, there aren’t any documents explaining anything. Don’t management understand young people? Of all the documents [ITALICS: Salient] has been able to track down without resorting to the Official Information Act, there is a ‘Student Forum Handbook: 2013’. Not to be confused with the 2012

edition, which famously went as far as to explain how student representatives should dress. If you would like to read this, come to the Salient office for our single copy. Or you can email the paid university staff member StudentForumAdministrator@ vuw.ac.nz and request a copy. If that seems like too much effort, here’s a brief Salient version. STUDENT BODY Under Voluntary Student Membership (VSM), every student who enrolled at Victoria University was automatically a member of the now 114 year old

ϟ • FEATURES

VUWSA—Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association. VUWSA was the primary representative body of students, ie. their voice. They spoke on the behalf of students, and appointed multiple representatives to the University’s various boards and committees—as well as the VUWSA President having a seat on the University Council. VUWSA held annual elections, and had processes which students could engage with to direct policy and student money into things that enhanced their education and student experience. University management interpreted the legislation differently to that of every other university around the country, and presented information to University Council as part of their Student Forum idea which could easily be described as outside of the scope of what was intended. It said that VUWSA could no longer “be assumed to be the primary representative body in future” as it no longer had universal membership. University management then implemented the Student Forum, giving it the powers of a primary representative body as it could appoint students to various boards and committees—including a seat on the University Council, and six seats on the Academic Board—both of which were formerly appointed by VUWSA. CLASS REPS Every class is meant to have one—if you don’t, it’s generally because your lecturer is naughty, or because there was not a single student in your class who would volunteer. Like in tutorials, students are generally reluctant to put themselves forward/ out there for things, so it’s uncommon if more than one student puts their hand up. Should there be more than one, typically they will all say a bit about themselves, and then there will be a ‘vote’. This was a system built up over the years by VUWSA

so that the views of students could easily flow into the Students’ Association. Class reps can apply to be Faculty Delegates for the following year, and from there can apply to be on the Student Forum— meaning it takes a year to get onto the Forum as a Faculty Delegate. FACULTY DELEGATES Class representatives can then apply to VUWSA to be a Faculty Delegate for the school that they’re studying in. They receive training from VUWSA before heading off into the world of Faculty Board meetings where they represent students, and talk about things such as changes to programmes, introduction or closing of courses, strategies about learning etc. Not exactly riveting, but hey, someone has to do it. Ngai Tauira, Post Graduate Students’ Association (PGSA) and VUW Law Students’ Society appoint Faculty Delegates to their own respective Faculties. Each Faculty has a certain number of seats on the Student Forum, depending on size. The Student Forum administrator is meant to facilitate an ‘election’ to decide who gets the seats on the Forum, however there generally isn’t much competition and many seats still remain vacant. Salient has had reports that in an attempt to make up for the lack of student interest, class representatives have been allowed onto the Forum. The reasoning behind having Faculty delegates on the Forum is that they would bring experience with them. By allowing class representatives, who could be first year students in their first semester at Victoria, the Forum is not guaranteed the same level of expertise. STUDENT FORUM The actual Student Forum has 30 seats, which come from different parts of the University. The ‘representatives’ get to the

forum from a number of different ways. Some elected by a lot of students. Some elected by hardly any students, and some not elected by students at all. In some instances, they have even been appointed by management when not enough students have put themselves forward. The Forum only needs 20 students to have quorum, but has failed to achieve that at meetings this year. Faculty representatives: 18 seats They are spread across all of the University’s nine faculties, with numbers of seats according to size. Representational groups: Ngai Tauira - 3 seats Maori students’ association. They delegated two of their seats to the Maori Law and Maori Commerce student groups. Pacific Students’ Council - 3 seats Appointed by the PSC Executive. International Students Council - 3 seats Intended to be appointed by the International Students’ Council. Salient understands that the Council is not currently running, so students have been appointed by University management. PGSA - 3 Appointed by the PGSA Executive. VUWSA: 4 seats VUWSA President with the remainder appointed by the VUWSA Executive. Despite having over 70 per cent of students as members, the University only gave them one extra seat than other representative groups.

 19

NEWS FEATURE FEATURES • ϟ

By Nick Cross If you’ve ever had an account with the TAB, you know that watching sport really is more fun when you’ve got skin in the game. But why should sport, card games and probability-based machines with flashing lights be the only thing you can bet money on? Many people aren’t interested in those things. If you’re reading this article there’s a good chance you’re interested in politics and current events more than sport. If that’s the case, iPredict is for you. iPredict is a prediction market run by Victoria University, the only one in New Zealand. It was started in 2008 for research purposes and today runs stocks on hundreds of political, economic and social outcomes. Here’s a quick guide:

How does it work? iPredict’s online platform allows users to buy and sell stocks which we create. The stocks are tied to a real-world outcome. The stock price is always between $0 and $1 because those are the possible outcomes for the stock, i.e. if National wins the next general election, then the stock ‘National to win the next General Election’ will close at $1, but if Labour wins it will close at $0. The price of the stock can therefore be interpreted as a prediction, i.e. if the National stock is trading at $0.55 then that can be interpreted as predicting a 55-per-cent chance National will win the next election.

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How is a prediction market different from a bookie like the TAB? The TAB sets odds, and traders bet at their prices. At iPredict you bet against other users. You offer a price for a stock, and other traders accept that offer. iPredict uses a ‘market maker’ which buys and sells a small number of stock to provide liquidity and stabilise the market.

So how do I make money? You can make money by buying contracts at prices that you think are too low or too high. If, for example, the contract 'National to win the next election' is at $0.55, but you think that John Key's charm will easily see him through another election win, then you would purchase the contract. Come election time, if National wins, you will be paid $1 per contract, meaning you profited by $0.45.

Wait, I can make money by a stock dropping in price? Yup, it's called short selling and it is incredibly confusing. Probably the simplest way of considering it is that you are binding yourself to sell a number of shares at their current price and buy them back at the close of the contract. So if the price when you bind yourself to the contract is 50 cents and then became 20 cents at the close of the contract you would make 30 cents a share. Doesn't make sense? There’s videos explaining it at ipredict.co.nz

What are the costs? iPredict covers its costs by charging a small trading fee, 0.35 cents per trade. There is also a 2-per-cent withdrawal fee. There is a 1.75-per-cent credit card deposit fee, but we also do bank transfers.

Sounds great, how do I get started? Easy. Just go to www.ipredict.co.nz and set up an account. You can deposit as much or as little as you like, and even $10 or $20 is enough to get you started. Nick Cross is a Victoria University student employed by the University to help run iPredict. iPredict hires students with a variety of different areas of expertise to run and develop the site.

EXAMPLE Say there was a contract on iPredict: Studying at Victoria University will be free in 2014. The current price for a stock on this contract is $0.40. This means the market thinks there is a 40-per-cent chance that studying at Victoria will be free in 2014. Now say for some reason your wishful thinking overrides any rational thought, and you think that studying at Victoria University will be free in 2014. You buy that stock at $0.40, and wait until the end of the year. If come the January 1 2014, Victoria has made studying free, the contract will close and

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all stocks will close at $1—as the probability of the contract eventuating is 1 or 100 per cent, i.e. certain. In your case, your stock which cost you $0.40, will see you get $1. This means you have made a profit of $0.60. However, if Victoria didn’t make studying free, the contract will close with all stocks at $0.00 because the probability of the contract eventuating is 0, i.e. not going to happen. This means you lost $0.40 :(. Alternatively, say you thought that there was no chance of Victoria making studying free in 2014. You short sell that stock. That costs you $0.60, because you’re betting on the chance that it doesn’t happen (which is equal to 1 minus the probability of it happening). If Victoria doesn’t make study free—if you were correct——then you get a dollar back. Your profit is that dollar less the 60 cents you paid in

the first place—$0.40. That, of course, is the ‘true’ price of the stock in the first place. If you short sell it, you’re betting against something happening. Of course, if it does happen—if study at Victoria becomes free— you were wrong, so you lose your bet. Your shorted stock becomes worthless, and your original investment of $0.60 was wasted. iPredict works by people betting whether events will happen, but you can make money before we’re certain whether those events will really occur. iPredict’s prices aren’t set by the people who run iPredict, they’re set by other traders. When you buy stocks, you’re buying them off other people who think that they’re worth less than you do. The price can change over time depending on what other traders think will happen. If news or a rumour makes people think an event is more likely,

the price will rise. You might then want to sell your stock immediately. If you do so, you’ll be making a profit off the new information before you even know for sure whether your original bet was right. iPredict collects everybody’s opinions, but of course some people’s opinions are worth more than others. Say you’re getting OTP with Pat Walsh, and he lets slip that Victoria is getting rid of its fees. Being a callous bastard, you’ll turn to iPredict to make some moolah off this new information. You buy stocks. You’ll be more certain than most people about the outcome, so you’ll be willing to pay more for stocks. Your insider information has more of an impact than most people’s best guesses. That way, people with insider information can end up driving the value of stocks.

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Down and Out in Aro and Hataitai Flatting can be pretty fun. It can also be cold, miserable, and increasingly expensive. We treat this often voluntary dive into poverty with reverence and understanding, for no easily explained reason. Why? BY HENRY COOKE

I don’t really know why I moved out. I like to think of myself as a fairly rational person, yet for some reason I put myself further into debt* every week for no tangible benefit. My parents live closer to both Uni and town than I do, their residence is much warmer, and

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they have a cat. While I did live there, I had no younger siblings, a floor to myself, and lacked any parental restraints (privilege, checked). Why leave this all behind for a room in Hataitai with carpets the colour of vomit and windows that don’t shut properly?

I can at least take solace in knowing that I’m not alone. While many of you moved out necessarily to come to Uni from around the country, almost 45 per cent of incoming first- years are from Wellington—around 1150 students—and the University estimates that most stay home for first-year and then move out. Why? Asking around, I got three main motives: ‘independence’, sex, and of course, FOMO. Is it really that simple? ‘Independence’ is the answer you give your parents; it’s what you tell yourself you’re doing this for. Dr Magdalena Kielpikowski, a postdoctoral research fellow at Victoria’s School of Psychology, begins by taking the word ‘independence’ to pieces. “Is it, for example, financial independence, psychological independence, functional

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independence, or broadly understood freedom?” She brings up a good point— how independent are you if you borrow to live? Sticking to a strict budget is much more difficult than just waiting for your parents to buy more food, but it’s not quite ‘independence’. Money isn’t the only factor though: independence is a mindset, a reliance on self that is harder to reproduce in the house you were conceived in. For Kielpikowski, the ease of moving back home makes this independence somewhat hollow. “As long as there is a possibility of returning, [moving out] may not be of equal significance.” So, sex? Even with soundproof walls and exhippy parents, explaining your living situation to a potential intercourse partner isn’t exactly a turn-on. Several interviewees mentioned sex as a reason other people moved out, but none admitted it of themselves. We all think everyone else is having more sex than us; do we think they want it more too? Of course, sex doesn’t necessarily mean courtship; some people just want to bang their current partners more often. Only one interviewee moved out with her boyfriend, and she advises against it, as she now shares a room with her recent-ex. She wished not to be named. “You become too dependent on them and you don't learn the skills you would normally learn moving out on your own.” Given her current situation, she adds: “What kind of teenager knows whether they will stay with their boyfriend for an entire fixed-term tenancy?” Sex is an easy excuse, the kind of thing first-year Psych students feel super-smart bringing up, but it’s definitely not that simple.

Second-year BA student Chrissy Brown remains at home, mostly for financial reasons. “I’m going to be in less debt, and I have all the comforts of home,” she asserts, and it’s hard to disagree. With youth unemployment so high and university costs soaring, an

some sort of change in how your relationship with your parents works is a necessary step, but that doesn’t have to mean moving out.” Brown points to parents too: “it depends on who you are and your relationship with your parents.” Conversely, Kielpikowski believes

My father was married at my age; I barely made it through my one long term relationship. Those of us who do move out often return after university, saving money for a house or travel. Flatting begins to feel more like a holiday from home and an actual new home. increase in home-dwellers is natural, but is there more to it? Kielpikowski observes a certain “postponement” of ‘adult’ events in our generation. “Young people are staying at home longer, get married later and have children later than their counterparts did in the seventies.” My father was married at my age; I barely made it through my one longterm relationship. Those of us who do move out often return after university, saving money for a house or travel. Flatting begins to feel more like a holiday from home than an actual new home.

Of the three reasons, ‘FOMO’, or Fear of Missing Out, definitely hit me hardest. Living with your friends isn’t consistently amazing, but it is different, and often fun. Living at home, one gets the feeling that flat parties are just glimpses of the antics a flat gets up to 24/7, however many of your own parties you may have cleaned up after. BA student Alex Hollis moved out in first-year, not wanting university to be a repeat of high school. “Most of my friends were going off to other cities for uni and I was staying here, and I felt like moving out would be a little like that—I would have new experiences.”

One can easily go overboard when discussing ‘how it used to be’. Much of youth looks better through nostalgic eyes, especially eyes who went to university for free. Many of us grew up with relatives who constantly told stories about their flatting exploits, from scarfy antics down south to LSD in the capital, but are any of our lives really this carefree? Personally, I’m shitloads more responsible as a flatter—nobody will feed me if I spend all my money on booze or taxis. Flatting, much like dorms, high school, university, and summer holidays, is part-myth. Sure, much of what you expect occurs, but its never quite how you imagined it, or quite how it was described to you. We willingly try to make these experiences feel more cliché, and whenever they touch the myth we shout it from our laptops. Just look out for the phrase “flat life” on Facebook.

Of course, moving out isn’t for everyone. I spent part of my university life explaining how much more “convenient” home was; other Wellingtonians have their own reasons.

So maybe we’re over-romanticising the idea of ‘moving out’. Does one really need a new address to become an adult? Hollis argues that it helps, but it isn’t needed. “I think making

we just assign it this importance. “It is not a needed step, but as a salient, discrete event it may be interpreted as the beginning of adulthood, especially retrospectively.” Internationally—in the Western world at least—flatting at 18 is becoming a bit of an anomaly. Australians are much more comfortable living at home well into their 20s, as are Europeans. American students seem somewhat close—most college students move away—but their dorm culture is much more ingrained. Christine Li, who studies Restaurant Management and Music Education in New York, says people there move out for much the same reasons. “It’s just cool to have your own space and privacy. Also parties, duh.” Are European and Australian students pining after the same things, or does our culture just tell us what we want? It all comes back to the FOMO—would we want to spend all this money if nobody else was? Nine paragraphs in, I’m still not quite sure what I’m paying $147.50 a week for. Is it carnal opportunities? Is it the fact that my best friend is sleeping in the next room? Is it so I don’t blush when someone enquires what my flatmates are like? Is it because all my friends have done it? Is it the small rush I get paying my own bills and sleeping in a bed I paid for? It’s all of those things. It’s more than those things. It might be a ritual we put too much weight on, but if you are going to do it you might as well enjoy it. Just don’t live in Hataitai. *I also work two jobs part time, if you are readying your pitchforks.

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Lordin’ it over

What do landlords use for birth control? Their personalities. Wise cracks aside, student flatting issues can wind up being no joke. What

you Weak shower pressure is really no reason to complain—just as my landlord has kindly divulged to me, “You don’t live in a five-star hotel”. But when shit gets real, who’s going to fix and pay for your broken window, or that dripping tap? Fresh out of the nest, us students are a pretty easy bunch, possibly in more ways than one. In particular, we are an easy bunch for landlords to take advantage of. Many of us move out of home, leaving behind the bank of advice and cash known as parents. So how do we know if we’re getting treated fairly? Rachel Orr of Shelter, a prominent UK housing and homeless charity, identifies students as a group that is “commonly discriminated against”. Nightmare stories from student flats suggest that our flats are colder, our pipes leakier, and our maintenance men creepier than any other tenants’. Increases in rent, discrimination, and refusal of bond repayment are problems that can drain the bank account, and leave tenants wondering "What would Jeremy Kyle do?' Landlords can make or break a flatting experience, and we should therefore do our flatting homework before entering into any new living arrangement. As a group, students are victim to many a stereotype. Easy, breezy, and usually drunk,

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are your rights and responsibilities when it comes to renting?

we attend classes only once in a blue moon. Generally only when the University is offering free food, or in the week before exams. Leasing contracts are filed somewhere in the back of our minds, somewhere in between memories of your first pet (RIP Flopsy) and that suppressed memory of last week’s town hook up. Ignorance is bliss, right? Whether we are naïve, or simply don’t care, we present ourselves as prime meat for landlords to take advantage of. Student Emma offered a story of a landlord shiftier than your worst ex-boyfriend. “We found a brand new apartment just off Tory ST, but the first time we organised to view it, the 'property manager' forgot to show up, and 'forgot' to let us know or to apologise. We tried to look up his company (Plum Property) on the internet but they didn't even have a website.” After forcing the group to pay $100 to secure a 12 month fixedterm lease (despite having earlier offered one to the group), then later denying that this agreement had taken place, the landlord eventually coerced the group into a periodic tenancy. “We had to move out of our current place in a few days, so we didn’t think we really had a choice but to sign onto this periodic tenancy.” Wary, but at least with a roof over their heads, the happy young flatties put up with the usual bullshit; a distant landlord, spontaneous visits, and broken bits and

Alice peacock

pieces around the flat. Disaster struck little over a month later, with a phone call that ordered the innocent flatties vacate the flat by the end of the month. Fortunately for Emma, Property Law had taught her that the landlord in question had not given them the the legally-required 42 days notice. In return for moving out before this period, the group were able to to live rent-free in the flat, and the landlord paid for movers to their new flat. “When we first met him, he told us that he didn't like beer. Should have known he was untrustworthy then.” Whether or not they’re studying Property Law, everyone has the entitlement and the means to know their rights as a flatter. Under the Residential Tenancies Amendment Act 2010, all tenants are legally entitled to fair and equal treatment by their landlord, regardless of age, gender, occupation or race. According to Andrew, advisor at the Wellington Citizens Advice Bureau, there should be no difference in the treatment of any tenants. “This is to protect both tenant and landlord; the same rules relate to everyone.” So where does the problem lie? All demographics have their share of flatting problems; we’ve all seen a few golden oldies on Fair Go and Neighbours At War. As students, we possibly play the blame game a bit too much, maintaining a ‘It’s not me, it’s you’ attitude.

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While the landlord’s etiquette handbook may not insist on freshly baked cookies on arrival, it is illegal for your landlord to turn up on a Sunday morning unannounced. Not to mention detrimental to your recovery rate. Despite their rules and regulations, landlords are not in fact surrogate parents. They do not always have your best interests at heart, the existence of which is occasionally questioned. However fresh out of the nest we are, the fact stands that we have left. So instead of questioning whether your landlord has your back, it's time to read up, get smart, and have your own back.

Back Yo’Self PROPERTY INSPECTIONS:  A property inspection cannot occur any more than once every four weeks, except to check on repair work being done.  48 hours' notice is required before an inspection. MAINTENANCE:  A landlord is required to make sure that the property is clean and tidy before the

tenants move in.  Plumbing, electrical wiring and the structure of the building must all be safe and working upon the moving-in of new tenants.  Landlords must pay the tenant back for any urgent work the tenant has paid for. RIGHTS:  Under a fixed-term contract, a landlord is not legally able to evict a tenant, except with the agreement of the tenant or an order from the Tenancy Tribunal.  If any rights are breached, any tenant can and should issue a notice to remedy; this gives the landlord 14 consecutive days to fix the problem. A copy of the notice, and suggested further action is available at www. dbh.govt.nz RENT:  If a landlord wants to increase rent, they must give at least 60 days’ written notice, plus any extra time it will take for you to correctly receive the notice.  Although there is no limit to how much a landlord can increase rent, it must not be increased excessively past what other people in the area are paying.

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 Your rent can’t go up within six months of you moving in, or within six months of the last rent increase.  If there is nothing in your rental agreement which specifies rent can be increased, the landlord cannot increase rent.  The landlord cannot go to the Tenancy Tribunal to recover rent unless you are three weeks late on payments. If this is the case, they can also request that your tenancy be terminated.  Landlords must give 14 days’ notice to remedy any breach. This notice can be served as soon as you are one day late on rent payments.  If you think your rent is too much, you can apply to the Tenancy Tribunal. The Tribunal will compare your rent to other properties in your area, and if it is too high, can order your rent to be lowered.  If you want your rent assessed by the Tribunal, you must apply within three months of moving in. You can apply for an assessment every three months.  The maximum rent a landlord can ask for in advance is TWO weeks’ worth. You do not have to pay any more rent until this rent is used up.  Any rent paid in advance cannot be held to be used at the end of the tenancy—it must be used straight away.

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our year with karyn By Patrick Hunn A proudly polished 1999 Honda Accord pulls up outside a Mount Cook address, and Karyn, a rental property manager, emerges. She is here to show a prospective group of students around a flat. Despite it being the dead of winter, Karyn arrives in a blouse that exposes her entire chest to the elements. This is possibly because she isn’t human and can’t feel anything. She presents the group with her business card. Along with her contact information, the card features what is allegedly her picture. In life, Karyn’s face is perfectly unremarkable, but in this instance she has employed the liberal application of Photoshop and buffed her face so intensely that there isn’t much left. What is left is a grotesque visage: a fleshy blob, featureless but for two tiny, distrustful eyes and a thin grey line in lieu of a mouth. In another epoch this card will be found by our ancestors and feared as a hellish depiction of a heathen idol. The house itself is maudlin, but the students will take whatever they can. “You are students?” she asks, as if she is quietly certain that they have lied about this and that they are actually an apocalyptic suicide cult looking for a reasonably priced place to finish it all off in. “Yes. I see that there’s no fridge,” one says. Karyn considers her response to this question for a while. “No parties.” Never mind that parties are completely unrelated to the matter at hand. Her eyes, which are inky wells that speak of unimaginable horror, tell a different story; a 26 

story where Youths are here to bring about the End Of Days. Youths shall employ as their eschatological tools the Bottle of $9.99 Wine and Blu-tack On The Walls. They shall ruin the curtains and other amenities with their Ecstasy Cigarettes and their Marijuana Injection Tablets. They do nothing but engage in group masturbation and go on the dole. But more than anything, Youths will destroy the world with Parties. The Party is the most grievous of sins. The Youths will Party while the world burns. The Youths are not to be trusted. Karyn, however, has averted this crisis. As far as she is concerned this is something on par with the AIDs crisis. She has formulated a party-alternative. “You can,” she says, smiling beatifically, “have a friend over.” Karyn means exactly what she says. One person in the house at a time. Her suggestion, it emerges, is that if the tenants of the property really want to go crazy and make a night of it they should invite people over for fifteen minute intervals and have them rotate in and out of the house over the course of an evening. Despite this, the students become the new tenants of the house and are pleased with their new flat. They’re please to have any flat. What’s more, they believe that their interactions with Karyn have been brought to a close. They are mistaken in this assumption. One does not merely rent property from Karyn. Karyn does not exist independently of the property she supervises. Karyn becomes part of your life. Karyn is life. An email, completely unsolicited, arrives in the dead of night.

Subject: trust Message: I am sorry but i am not happyt o have boyfriends staying in house. not for me to say if you have a boyfriend byut you are very young It is not okay what if other flatmate want to haveFRIEND OVER???? then it will be unfair on everyone and house friendships will collapse and i am not going to let htat happen because i am a LAND PROPERTY MANAGER and I have REPONSIBILITYES TO LANDLORDS O??? please respect thi yours Karyn hope house is OKAY The tenants fret over Karyn’s increasingly erratic behavior. Is she drunk? Is she drunk all the time? They try to assure her that boyfriends are rarely in residence at the house. Karyn remains worryingly silent. Then, a week later, Karyn sends out a call of war. Subject: <No subject> Message: .lies The tenants begin to fear that Karyn is going to storm the house with her clipboard in scenes reminiscent of the peasant horde storming the Bastille during the French Revolution. They desperately try to quell Karyn’s fears digitally and by phone. The response is like a lone trumpet announcing battle. Subject: !L IEs Message: LIES!!!!! The occupants of the house are now terrified. What if Karyn is surveying the property? Has she tapped the phone lines? Is she going through the rubbish? But the threat, it would appear, is enough. Karyn does not reappear. Somewhere, she bides her time. She will strike when the time is right.

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FLATTING LOLS

BY SAM NORTHCOTT

Marion Street is home to Wellington's transsexual prostitutes. It's also home to a building which was originally a factory of some sort and has since been converted into loft-style apartments. Last year, one of these apartments was home to me. My room was above the next door neighbour's room, and because the building was so old, there was next to no soundproofing. It turned out the neighbour was the pimp for the prostitutes! He didn't like us very much and complained to the landlord that we were always having loud parties. The landlord took us to the Tenancy Tribunal and was quite embarrassed when we argued that it was actually him that was making all the noise, yelling out his window at the prostitutes, bringing them up to his flat and having huge arguments with them, inviting dodgy characters to his to party at all hours. Shortly after we won at the Tribunal, crazynext-door-pimp-man moved out. Hilariously, some of his girls helped him move out, along with his mother!

My flatmate once tripped on acid and wandered from Mt Cook to Courtenay Pl at 5 in the morning. I had to go after her to make sure she didn’t die.

I was sitting behind this really gross group of people in a lecture and I could read the notes they were passing each other, person one: “I slept with ear plugs last night” person two: “Oh thanks” person one: “Do you want me to get you anymore condoms, I’m going to the doctor tomorrow.”

I once lived in a flat with 7 bedrooms, and 12 flatties. One night, after the flat had just stocked up on ~$2k of Class As-Cs, we were rudely woken at 3am by cops, accompanied by their hellhounds, beating on the front door. Less than ideal. Thankfully, they weren’t there for the drugs, but for a drunken flattie, who’d decided it’d be a super cool idea to take the breadknife and slice her arms open. By the time we’d stuffed the pills under our respective mattresses and peered into the hallway, she was on her knees dripping blood onto cuffs, and the carpet, before being led to an ambulance. She moved out the following week.

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Week 5, Trimester 2: Flat 204 Summary

By Caitlin Attenburrow

Kilograms of mince consumed: Five Pranks: Five Number of smoke alarms: Three Rubbish bags by bin buildup: Six Mail count for elusive ex-tenant isa akran: Seven; This includes one meeting of regional dentists appointment, a bill for Isa Akran Motors, three bank statements all from different banks, a notice from the Bailiff and a courier card for an oversize package. Bad flatmates: Six

On Monday: I wake up; alarm clocks ringing, there's birds singing, It's spring and… I walk into the kitchen, which is full of food. That Monday post-Sunday-shop fullness that lasts for as long as it takes for everyone to get up and abuse it. So I choose the best three bananas and put them behind a book on the bookshelf in my room. Then I cut off a third of the block of cheese and put it in the bottom of the vegetable drawer. Next I make a sandwich that has so much filling it can barely be contained by the roll I found in the freezer labeled "DO NOT EAT BUY YOUR OWN". I hide my creation in my bag and leave for Uni before anyone else

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rises. The boys have already gone. They pretended they didn’t notice the dishwasher was full. I follow suit. I get home from Uni that afternoon with Ryan after our Marketing lecture. Something has obviously happened because everyone is sitting outside Ryan’s room waiting. He walks in. It’s totally empty. Down to the posters on his wall and the pallets he was using as a bed base. This is quite good. Andy leads us to the bathroom where Ryan’s entire room is perfectly set up; adjacent to the toilet. Ryan is thrilled and studies in the bathroom all afternoon. Apparently having a toilet as a desk chair is a highly motivating factor. Unfortunately it means the rest of us have to ask him to leave ‘his room’ whenever we need to pee.

me and hangs two pairs of undies up. He then decides he needs to change his shoes and goes back to his room. The rest of the washing remains there for three weeks. I’m walking home at 6 pm when I get the text. “Are you planning on coming home to clean today?” I am instantly disgusted and sit down on a bench on Cuba St. I decide I could probably sit here for at least half an hour. I call my mum and complain about how I am being belittled as a human being. She thinks it’s hilarious. In a sudden fit of courage I send a reply. “Maybe if you didn’t patronise me so much I might feel more motivated too.” I regret that. Now I really can’t go home. I ring Mum again. She points out I can’t sit on a bench on Cuba St forever.

On Tuesday:

On Wednesday:

I walk into the laundry to do my washing. The machine is full. The washing in it is Alec’s. I pull it out and put it on the floor. For the fourth time. He decided to do this load several weeks ago. I walk into his room and tell him he should really think about hanging it up. He agrees. I bring it to him in my basket and put it in his way. He thanks

It’s Tim’s cooking night. Therefore we will be eating mince and mash. He is cooking when the flat starts to fill with smoke. Andy scrambles for the ‘fanner’: a large piece of cardboard stored by the smoke alarm for occasions such as these. This is, however, worse than usual and the smoke alarm is obviously not impressed by Andy’s efforts. Tim comes out of the kitchen looking

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alarmed and starts fanning it too. If it goes for more then eight minutes he will get a fire engine call out and a $1200 bill. It’s still going. Cody smiles at me. He goes subtly to his room and YouTube’s fire-engine noises. Connects the lounge speakers to his laptop. After this, I don’t think the evening’s entertainment could improve much. Until our neighbour’s pop round and ask to borrow a door for their inspection. They started the year with ten doors. Their remaining three are not looking healthy. One is still attached but the bottom half is just missing: you can see the legs of its owner as he walks around his room. Only one of the bathrooms has a door, and the front door has a hole where the handle used to be. Apparently each Sunday they wake up and more of them have just gone missing. They have very volatile personalities doors.

On Thursday: Now, before I recount what happened Thursday afternoon, some flat background is needed. Flat 204 gets sent care packages by Cody’s mum. He’s a sharer at heart. It’s part of his charm. Another of our flatmates has a thing for labels. It’s not particularly charming. So, Thursday afternoon I come home and find Tim and Ryan in the kitchen discussing the apparent allocation of Cody’s care package before Cody has been home to even see it. Their outrage rolls off them like steam from a boiling pot. I slink off to my room to eat a packet of Freddos that has been allocated to my shelf and wait. There’s lots of giggling. Then silence. I creep into the kitchen. Every single item has been labeled. The pepper container says ‘Wednesday at 8 am’. Everything has also been reallocated. There is food in the cutlery drawer and pots in the fridge. This is going to go off man. We all sit in the lounge eating popcorn and wait.

On Friday: I wake up and there are 11 people sitting at the breakfast table. Tim’s girlfriend is serving all of them pancakes. I don’t know

anyone and they’re all smoking inside. This is not how I wanted to start my morning and it’s at this point that I realise I’m wearing my boyfriend’s t-shirt and undies. I walk into the kitchen and glare at Alec who shrugs back at me and lights up his own cigarette. I steal a few pancakes out of the stack and retreat to my room without speaking a word to anyone, to wait until it’s safe to come out again. Friday is Andy’s cooking night, and because the quality of the meal tends to depend on how busy he is with Architecture (and he has a model due on Monday) we ban him from the kitchen under a collective vote. After losing a brief but furious paperscissors-rock contest, I get the task of cooking. The three whole chickens. (Andy always gets nominated to cook roasts for some reason.) Great. I ring my mother and ask for advice, which goes well until I realise the three-for-$10 deal with the chickens today was not such a bargain… they are not fully plucked. So the night is going swimmingly, of course I cannot cook roast chicken; it’s far too hard, and I burn it and make baked beans instead.

On Saturday: I come home from a BYO with my boyfriend at 1 am and go to bed. My wall shudders as the neighbours probably smash a door against it. I close my eyes and hope our loaned one makes it through the night. At 3 am I am jolted awake by the sound of the smoke alarm going. I get up and find Andy viciously making ‘bread’ on a baking tray. Yes: mixing it on a baking tray. He is cackling. I fan the smoke alarm until it calms down and go back to bed. At 4 am I wake up to Tim telling his girlfriend about his evening. “I’m fucking steamed. I’ve never been so steamed before. Do you even know how steamed I am?!” Then I hear retching noises. I get up. He is spitting out mouthfuls of the ‘cake’ he just tried to eat onto the kitchen floor. It’s made a puddle. This is just too good.

At 5AM I roll over and notice the unmistakable noise of a dog barking. What. The. Fuck. I prod my boyfriend awake and he confirms there does indeed appear to be a dog in the flat. I open my bedroom door. It’s coming from Tim’s room. I call my boyfriend over to listen. The dog is, in fact, his girlfriend. They sound like they are having a good time.

On Sunday: I get up and meet Tim’s girlfriend in the kitchen making coffee. I smile and say good morning. She at least has the decency to look guilty. I get breakfast carefully, avoiding the puddle on the floor, and go to wake Ryan up for the Sunday vege market. I am about to knock on his door when I hear him lock it. Strange because I know he hasn’t got a girl in there. I knock. No response. It takes me ten minutes of knocking on his door before Andy gets up (looking surprisingly fine), and points out that he is pretending to be asleep. We hear Ryan laugh inside his room. Andy observes that we will need more chilli as he used most of a packet in his bread. Andy agrees to go to the vege market with me instead, and we take our little purple nana-trolley to put the vegies in. When it was first introduced to the flat there was a general air of disgust among the boys; not only was it a nana trolley, but it was also purple with a tartan trim. Since those first few weeks, the boys have bonded with it quite well, and now like to pull it with a sort of reckless disdain, which makes sure the general public knows that yes, there is a purple nana trolley attached to their arm, but only just, and they certainly aren’t taking care of it. And with this recklessness in mind on the way back from the vege market this very Sunday, Andy crosses the three lane road outside our flat, in the rain, and the nana trolley skids out, depositing its entire fruit contents into the road; which explode all over as they get run over. And Ryan has the audacity to wave from his bedroom window.

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FEATURES • ϟ

AnecDOtes

and

AnecDONTes By Keegan Platten

Everyone has flatting stories. Some of them are good, some of them are bad, but most of us have moments we did not enjoy. It’s a natural response. The pressure of essays, deadlines and readings can cause us to get all moody to the point where one unwashed chopping board sets us off. After flatting for a couple of years I have gained a few insights which are as follows:

On decision-making… Recently, while on a flat trip to the supermarket, my flatmate and I were looking at air fresheners. Whilst initially excited at his selection of “Hawaiian Breeze”, I was soon attracted to the bright pink allure of “Suddenly Spring”. Aisle seven of Pak'n Save Kilbirnie was instantaneously transformed into a battleground, with both of us asserting the benefits of our respective fragrances. “ON A COLD WINTER’S DAY I WANT MY NOSE TO BE TAKEN ON A ONE-WAY TRIP TO AN ISLAND PARADISE,” was his opening salvo. “BUT NOTHING SHOUTS FRESHNESS MORE THAN SPRINGTIME,” I retorted, reluctant to relent. Eventually we settled on “Hawaiian Breeze” but a part of me still longs for springtime. The moral of this story is: it’s important that you make every decision collectively and calmly. Whether it is deciding which air freshener to buy or which flat to take in the first place, a flat is not a dictatorship, so don’t turn it into one. Because all dictators end up being beheaded

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or paraded through the streets naked being stabbed with kitchen knives (see Libya).

On music and noise… Decision making is a nice segue into the second anecdote: noise. In the halls I was subjected to a barrage of the ‘wub-wub-wub-wub’ drone that people call ‘dubstep’. My feelings on dubstep aside, use some fucking headphones. Serious. If I wanted to hear the latest Skrillex release I would go down to BurgerFuel on a Saturday night. Luckily, my flatmates have been pretty courteous and have never reached the dizzying heights of aural obnoxiousness that was achieved in first year. The moral here is (as with most flatting rules) be aware. If one of your flatmates has a test at 8 am, maybe don’t blast Beyonce’s ‘Love on Top’ at midnight, regardless of how good the song is (and it is fucking good). The only exceptions to this rule are S Club 7 or 5ive. These two bands are always appropriate. Always. Also, extreme sex noise is totally not okay. We assume you are enjoying it. We do not need a play-by-play breakdown while we are in the lounge trying to watch Parks and Recreation. Leslie Knope’s political witticisms have significantly less impact on my disposition when they are interrupted by such audible euphoria.

On successful cohabitation… You know that hallway in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory that gets smaller and smaller,

leaving a youthful Gene Wilder to bend his slender frame to get through the doorway? Give or take a few inches, this is the approximate size of our kitchen. As a result there is often 'too many cooks in the kitchen' (GET IT?!) Bad Dad jokes aside; the only way to deal with this is communication. Talk it out. Have one or two people in charge of cooking, and if you don’t cook together, maybe cook at different times. Hungry mouths are often the spark that ignites the flame and before you know it you are spewing out every single thing that has mildly annoyed you, from not doing your dishes to losing clothesline pegs.

On keeping your shit tidy… Just don’t be dicks. If you make a mess, clean it up. I may have the tenderness of a mother but I have none of the patience. I should put that on a shirt. You know those shirts that women in their 40s wear? Like “If there are free shoes, sign me up!” or “I can go from nice to bitch in 0.6 seconds”. Fuck those shirts man. I kind of got off track here but you get the idea. Clean your shit. Flatting is a big learning curve. You’re living in close quarters with people who might do things differently. For example, my favourite meal is steak (just meat, not an actual steak dinner) yet a couple of my flatmates hardly ever eat meat. You have to embrace your differences, accept the legitimacy of tofu as an acceptable meat substitute (for some), and move on.

ϟ • FEATURES

safe as houses interview with victoria university liason officer, constable jane gowans What should you do if you come home and think your flat has been burgled? If you arrive home and things have been taken and the burglar is no longer there call the nonurgent line 381 2000, this will put you through to the Wellington Police Station and your complaint will be taken over the phone. There may be attendance by a crime scene technician at some stage to look for fingerprints or any other forensic evidence. If you can, have a look around without touching too much and take details of what has been taken. Any information with regards to the property taken (serial #/description) will help police in the long run. Or if you arrive home midburglary? The first thing you should be doing is calling 111. If you think the person is still in the house, leave; go somewhere safe like your neighbours and wait for police to arrive. Give them as much information as possible over the phone and details as to why you think they are still in there; any information will be helpful. If you are able to watch the address from a distance and keep police updated, that is great, but PLEASE don't try and be a hero, we don't want you to end

up injured. Police are paid to deal with these situations so let us do our job. Are thefts from flats common in the Victoria University community? Burglaries and thefts are not an epidemic in these areas, but they do happen, so students cannot get complacent. Just be aware you are living in a large city and students are not the only people that use the area. What can students do to protect themselves? To protect yourself you need to make sure that you are looking after your property. Have some insurance, whether this is through your parents or your own, to cover some of your more expensive items. Record your serial numbers at www.SNAP.org.nz. This gives you access to this information anywhere in the country or overseas if you need them. Serial numbers can be very helpful to police in the long run. Be aware of your surroundings and please remember: LOCK YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS. If you live in an apartment building, remember to be aware of who is following you in

Top tips for making your flat theft-proof? In your flat, the best things to do are: • Lock your doors and windows when you are not in the house, and even when you are home make sure your front door is locked. This includes when you run next door to your neighbours place for a minute. This can be frustrating, but it is important when looking after your property. • If you don't know your flatmates that well, you might want to have another lock on your door just to protect yourself. You might know your flatmates, but you might not know their friends. • Don't leave your expensive items lying around the house where they can easily be seen through windows. Now of course there are some items that you can't help, like TV's and other larger items, but if you can help it just put it away. (tailgating), and don't leave the door open for others. This keeps you safe as well as others in your building.

COLUMNS 

bent By Trak Elwood

“Don't have sex. Because you will get pregnant and die. Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up. Just don't do it, promise? Okay, everybody take some rubbers.” - Coach Carr, Mean Girls Mean Girls’ Coach Carr may be a caricature, but if you look at what we’re really taught, not just in America but here too, Carr’s words aren’t as much of a stretch as they might initially seem. Most of us are taught in school that sex is for making babies and if we’re going to do it at all we have to use protection; otherwise we will accidentally have babies and/or catch something nasty. This black-and-white approach may include some puberty facts, condom demonstrations on sticks, awkward and outdated educational videos, and, of course, your teacher rolling their eyes (but doing nothing else) at every homophobic gay butt-sex joke, but at the end of the day we’re told that sex can be risky and there is one right way to do it.

Missionary position, condom on, on the pill just to be safe, boy + girl. This is so wrong it makes me want to laughcry. Safe sex is essential, yes, but fun, exciting, emotionally safe sex is equally important. We need to be taught about the sex we’re actually going to have so we don’t end up, as most people I know did, learning about sex from porn. Sex is messy and fun and embarrassing. It’s blow jobs, awkward moments when you try to deep-throat too much, kissing nipples and feeling bum holes. It’s hugs, kisses, consent, tongues in ears, grinding, oral, vaginal, anal, in your hand, on your chest and all over your face. Having this defined notion of a right and a wrong way to have sex is a limit and a pressure doing more harm than good. I needed to learn in my sex ed class that the first time I had sex might be with another guy, that we would need to use lots of lube and probably make a mess. That it would take ages for my sphincter muscles to adjust and that the first few times I got

fucked it would feel like I needed to pee. My flatmate wanted her sex ed class to tell her that lube is fun, even if you’re young and straight; that it doesn’t have to be able to go in first time like it does it in porn, and that if she put her feet in the air while she was lying on her back then it was suddenly way easier to take that dick. Everyone’s sexual experiences are unique, and open discussions about sex being a diverse, positive and personal thing are what we need. We aren’t all able-bodied, straight, cis-gendered, vanilla people. We deserve to be taught properly so that we don’t have to make so many mistakes trying to learn what sex really is on our own. If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please feel free to email uniqvictoria@gmail.com, visit us on uniqvictoria.co.nz. here

Tell us what you’d like to see - we’d love to hear from you!

secret diary of @amandabynes

Peek-a-boo! I’m about to put on my make-up, but just thought I’d tweet a picture of myself in nothing but my bra and tights. Hellooo boobs! Rawr! Oh okay, look, just ONE more photo then. I mean, I had this like, webbing of the skin between my eyes?! Ew. My face was so 2009. So I had a nose job. I wasn’t going to tell anyone. But like, I look so much prettier now. Especially in all these selfies. Oh ok one more. Wink! Just like Sailor Moon! Now I have a hoodie on. Oh hold up, better tweet a pic!

Having surgery was the most amazing thing for my confidence. Obviously I was really shy before, being a big-time actress and all. Dan Schneider tried to cancel The Amanda Show. But you can’t just cancel Amanda; She’s the Man! I got these boobs just in case anyone was confused about my gender. Plastic surgery is amazing. At least I know I’ll never look like I’m 80 when I’m like, 50, like Jenny McCarthy. I’m lying. She’s beautiful! I’m so close to looking just like Blac Chyna. I wonder how much it will cost to make me black? Is there surgery for that? Maybe then Drake will murder my vagina? I bet he knows What A Girl Wants. I’m not ready for guardianship just yet. I waited while LiLo took the stage, but she never really committed to the full BritBrit 2.0. I’ve shaved half my head in anticipation of this prestigious role. Britney, you weren’t afraid of what people thought, and that’s What I Like About You! For now though,

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Facebook at

facebook.com/uniq.victoria.9, or at our website:

By Penny Gault

I’m having way too much fun gallivanting and spending the millions that I recently gained access to. Skipped some court hearings for my hit-and-run convictions. Long hair, don’t care! Look at all of these photos of me looking so pretty! Here I am at the gym winking at you! Look at me! These selfies are for you. If you want to use any of my pictures in your articles, feel free. Like this one of me being Nicki Minaj! In Touch magazine published a photo of me from years ago and I hate it. I don’t look like that anymore, and I never will. Here is a pap shot of me walking down the street. You can use this, too! I don’t look fat in this one. No, seriously. Please use these pictures I’m tweeting if you’re going to write an article about me. Oooh, nice bathroom mirror! Selfieeeee! Love, Amanda. Rawr!

 COLUMNS

e f i L r u o Y g n i x i F

[BECAUSE OURS ARE WRITTEN OFF]

Dear Hector and Janet, I've been spending a lot of time with one of my flatmates recently, and I'm starting to get the vibe that they're attracted to me. I've had a bit of a crush on them since before they moved in, so needless to say I'm quite stoked with that. I don't want to go out with them or anything, but would a drunken bang to get this sexual tension out of the way be a bad idea? Frisky Flatmate

Janet Hullo, Frisky Flatmate, I’ve never been in a situation akin to that before: the only flatmate I’ve ever had who’s aligned with my sexual orientation is a selfdescribed “beta male”. Not my bag at all. But the point of advice columns is perhaps not that I’m to have had every experience you’re now pondering, so here’s what I think: My instinct is that this is a bad idea. (Wait! Keep reading! I know you want to sleep with them, and I’ll eventually validate it. I have every reason to believe that my instinct is wrong.) It just seems messy. What if it’s horribly awkward afterwards and the sexual tension is replaced by something worse? What if you ended up doing it all the time and it was horrible for your other flatmates? What if they like you more than you like them, and you not wanting anything more becomes a problem? That all of these are negative ‘what-ifs’ tells you something about how I approach sexual interaction. I think it’s relevant because I usually consider it with people I know well, as you are here with your flatmate. I usually feel an overwhelming

presumption in favour of ‘no’/’it’s not going to work’/’we have different expectations’, coupled with a tendency to use terms like ‘sexual interaction’ that will quash the most relentless of boners. That said, it has been a while since I felt the giddiness of romantic interest: perhaps that explains this utterly morose (and yet totally rational) horseshit. I have a lot to learn from your ‘fun, risk-taking’ nature. We should get a coffee. I genuinely believe it’s not that difficult to not act on things: you just don’t get drunk and lean in, which seems to be how 85 per cent of unions begin, for better or worse. I’m not trying to belittle you when I say that given your mutual attraction, you’ll most likely act on it. It hardly seems right for me to take a blanket stance on whether it’s a bad idea, but I think perhaps be aware that it affects more people than just the two of you, that the outcome is unlikely to be the status quo sans current sexual tension, and that a mature adult discussion should take care not to end with one person making a compromise they’re not comfortable with. I don’t know whether this helped. I think I just ended up talking about myself. Live the dream, Janet.

Hector Hi, you. I think it’s pretty obvious that this is a bad idea. I mean, if you thought it was a good idea, you would have already done it and not have written in at all. Don’t do it. Surely you have that much self-restraint. That said, you probably will get your freak

on, and only then you’ll realise why it’s a terrible idea. Because you’re sex-blind, you see. Just try to bear in mind that if it doesn’t become serious it will be awkward; and if it does it will mean jumping straight to a live-in relationship. Not good when there is money and housing on the line. Flatmates are just one of those groups of people who one should not bang. You can throw them right in there with relatives, ex-partners and people with whom your friends have previously been obsessed to an unhealthy degree. It’s just genuinely not worth it. Sex shouldn’t be ruthlessly pursued to the complete ruin of every other aspect of your life. Look, we’ve all had sexy flatmates before. In my experience, though, it doesn’t take much time living with someone to come across them in a compromising position which forever renders them unsexy in your eyes. That might be their inescapable stench after a hungover vom, or perhaps accidentally walking in on them in the bathroom, completely nude. Maybe you’ll discover that they’re secretly a racist. I don’t know what the specifics will be, but it’ll come up eventually, and it’s always something you’d rather not know about somebody you’ve slept with—if only to preserve your pride. All of that considered, I will forever be an advocate of taking risks and making terrible decisions every now and then, just to see what happens. So long as you appreciate that’s what you’re doing, of course. It’s also, as my former flatmate and true charmer would say, “better than trapping your dick in the door.” So there’s that. Cowabunga dude, Hector.

Janet and Hector are our resident advice

If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately and confidentially with a

columnists for 2013. If you've got a problem you'd

professional, rather than Hector and Janet, Student Counselling Service can provide a safe

like them to solve, send your queries through to

place to explore such aspects of your life. The service is free and confidential. Phone (04) 463

editor@salient.org.nz, subject: 'ADVICE'.

5310. Email counselling-service@vuw.ac.nz. Visit Mauri Ora, Level 1, Student Union Building.

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COLUMNS 

mad science

Right of Reply

Let’s Get Physical

powershit response By Madeleine Foreman

I’ve never been a team player, or one to positively radiate. I felt like the coolest first year when I left the psychotic chanting of Civic Square to go and cry to my mum at her hotel (true story). How can I excuse finding myself in a similar square in Auckland, two years later, chanting "POWER SHIFT" in a group of 800 others? Kool-Aid? Jesus? Crue Doil’s criticisms of the juvenile nature of Power Shift’s rhetoric are ones I wouldn’t disagree with. However, they perhaps understate the challenge of ‘youth engagement’, and the organisational age of the climate movement in New Zealand.

By Caitlin Craigie

I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous. It’s safe to say that we all have different attitudes to the 30 minutes a day. For some, the 5 am jog to bond with the early worm is the epitome of happiness. For others, they would rather encounter Aaron Gilmore at his most powerful than put on some sneakers. Either way, science shows that there could well be a genetic component to it. Oh rats! Don’t sweat that you’re lazy, suffering from a chronic illness where victims lack the willpower to do anything requiring effort—it’s not necessarily your fault. Studies of rats suggest that being a couch potato may actually have a genetic component. Researchers at the University of Missouri conducted an experiment where they put rats in cages with running wheels and measured how much each rat willingly ran on their wheels during a six-day period. They then bred the Usain Bolt wannabes with each other as well as breeding what schools would euphemistically call the ‘dedication and commitment’ prize-winning rats together. They repeated this process for ten generations. From the more than 17,000 different genes in one part of the brain, they identified 36 genes that may play a role in predisposition to physical activity motivation. But for those of you who insist upon exercise (just for clarification to the fine gentlemen at the Kelburn gym: lifting one weight an hour as an excuse to look at the mirror doesn’t count as exercise), there can be a downside to your current routine. Once the entrée to all exercise routines, stretching has since been found to be harmful. University of Zagreb researchers have found those who used only static stretching to warm up experienced a 5.5 per cent decrease in strength in their muscles, with the impact increasing in people who hold individual stretches for 90 seconds or more. Furthermore, the same researchers determined that muscle power generally falls by about two per cent after stretching. So at a stretch I would have to conclude don’t stretch.

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The protester's wet dream of yore is over, and contemporary political activism is limited largely to a ‘like’, or a Law student’s shaky submission. Despite cries from the Sociology department of the relevance of IDENTITY POLITICS and LIQUID MODERNITY, engaging with young people is difficult, and engaging on climate even more so. Internationally, positivepsychology inspired messages are now environmental gospel as the apocalyptic 1970s proved too much. Jonathan Franzen states the obvious, as “...one of the big problems for people who want to do something about climate change is that the welfare-of-yourgrandkids argument is totally abstract. Ditto Bangladesh flooding. Who cares?” The Power Shift positivity, rife with hyperbole and clean-energy utopias, attempts to locate possibilities within the reach of young people. Lowering emissions is not the sole concern of climate activists; rather, the movement also seeks a repoliticisation of the younger generation and the growth of activist communities. The first attempt at creating this network in New Zealand may have been overzealous in its efforts, but any criticism should be accompanied by the recognition of work that has followed Power Shift. Young professionals and students alike are engaged in policy development, lobbying local and central government, and preparing for the upcoming national speaking tour. Facebook features, as always, but isn’t the primary mechanism as Crue Doil suggests. We might take for granted as Wellingtonian students the understanding of issues and policy solutions surrounding climate. It wouldn’t be the first time in the history of environmental movements that discussion is dominated by a white, educated middle class. Power Shift offered an entry point for a young, diverse population into a conversation in which they might otherwise have been absent. Tackyinesswas surely not the aim of the organisers, but, when attempting to make climate a middle New Zealand matter, perhaps it’s unavoidable. I’m not sure. The climate movement in New Zealand needs all of the cynics it can get. Less tacky flashmobs set to Animal Collective and a neater, more focus-grouped punchline might be the next incarnation. The ways in which the climate becomes a mainstream concern is entirely left up to those who wish to participate.

 COLUMNS

ant

ly R Week

Thank you, please come again

By Alex Morris

Don’t get me wrong, most of the time (or a bit of the time), I quite enjoy working in retail. I get a sweet discount on clothes, and never have to work late nights. But sometimes it really sucks, and if you have ever been into a store, you are probably to blame. You're like “Oh, I’m not a dicky customer,” but you probably are, and here’s why. Keep in mind there are several things good retail assistants always do to make you feel like a fucking boss when you walk into our store. These include, but are not limited to, saying hello when you walk past us or make eye contact, never letting you put stuff away yourself, and always making sure we are near the fitting rooms to relieve you of your piles so you may carry on your merry way without having to try and awkwardly put your unhung clothes onto a returns rack (looking at you, Glassons). In return for this service, retail assistants would love for you to return the favour, and practice a few common courtesies. For starters, don’t fucking glare at us when we politely greet you like we just tried to sell you some camo arm warmers (which are in, apparently). You would be the first to complain if we ignored you while not occupied with another customer (and now I am looking at you, almost every store on Cuba St). Don’t say “No, I was too fat for it”, then wait for our reply. We didn’t see it, for all we know you were too fat for it, but we can’t agree, and we will not indulge you by telling you that you’re not. Likewise, if you try on something a shop assistant is wearing, don’t say “Oh, it looks way better on you.”

It probably does, but that is because the whole reason we got our jobs is because we are supposed to be able to dress ourselves in a way that flatters even the most tentonne-Tess-esque thighs like mine. Don’t make snide remarks about the music to your friends, and then look at us like, “Yeah you heard me retail bitch, why’d you choose this shit?” You think I personally compiled this daylong playlist comprised entirely of Carly Rae Jepsen’s lesser-known hits, Céline Dion, and the occasional saving grace of Destiny’s Child? If listening to this shit all day had been in my contract, I may not have signed it. Most of us personally do not have the power

Shopping can be amazing. Better than sex. Better than one-dollar wines. Better than sex while drinking one-dollar wines. But there are standards, and they go both ways. to change an item’s price just for you, so stop being all diva up at the counter, and accept the fact that in any given store, at any given time, some stuff will be on sale, because it was a bit shit, and all the cool stuff you actually want won’t be.

to you when you drop it, but who the fuck do you think picks that shit up? When the roles are reversed and I venture out for a little retail, I do expect to see in practice what I preach. Sometimes, retail assistants, I make a special trip just to visit your store. So don’t look me up and down like I walked into your living room while you were eating dinner. Are you open for business or open to patronise me while I patronise your store? Don’t look at me like I’m some kind of povo scum when I only look at the sale rack. Especially if you work at Supré, ‘cos then you’re the grosser one, full stop. That’s moot anyway though; I’d never be in Supré. If a customer says no to joining your loyalty club, don’t start to talk about the benefits of your loyalty club. If I say no to your loyalty club, it’s because I’m not loyal. Probably because your stuff is too expensive, but I’m a first-year whose parents are buying them a coat; or your stuff is a bit heinous, but I have a dress-up party. Shopping can be amazing. Better than sex. Better than one-dollar wines. Better than sex while drinking one-dollar wines. But there are standards, and they go both ways. If you’re a dicky customer, go on Walk In Wardrobe with other dicks and buy stuff virtually. If you’re a dicky shop assistant who can’t handle people, get a job on the StudyLink phone lines. But if you don’t want to become a recluse, stop being a dick in the first place.

And last, but for the sake of the sanity of every shop assistant ever, definitely not least, don’t leave your tissues on the floor in the changing room. Real talk. Not a big deal 'Weekly Rant' is a space for one-off opinion pieces. Want to write your own? Contact editor@salient.org. nz to run riot.

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COLUMNS 

nigella lawstudent

DIY Vegetable Garden! EVE KENNEDY (SKETCHES BY GRAYDON HAYES)

Although these wintry weeks may not seem ideal for vegetable garden building, and the sweet summer produce that’s rapidly going up in price is being replaced by boring root vegetables, you can still remedy your flat’s mince-and-carb mantra. This is a DIY vegetable garden even your most stubborn carnivore could feel proud of.

3) Dig about 40 cm deep. The soil needs to be nice and soft and aerated, so simply pulling up each clump of grass and dirt once will not suffice. You will need: Some spare, flat garden (be it a raised bed or a patch of grass) A spade 3-4 hours of free time Vegetable seeds/plants (find out what to plant using helpful guides online) Brute force Compost/ vegetable mix

Preparation 1) Choose a sunny area, preferably with nice rich soil, not clay-like. If your soil is more clay than soil, you will need to add more compost or vege mix. 2) Start digging. Mark out an area that you think you could fill with plants. It doesn’t pay to be too ambitious as it will take a few hours to dig the soil up, and you don’t want to turn beautiful lawn into a brown pit for no reason.

36 

4) Remove rocks, sticks and other debris from your vegetable patch. This is quite time-consuming and also less important if you are only planning on growing “leafy” vegetables; but it is a necessity if you’re after root veges. 5) Add compost or a 'vegetable mix' type soil enhancer to the fray. You can pick these up quite cheaply from any garden store – but this is not a necessity. Composting your food scraps is an excellent thing, and this is an excellent use thereof. Planting 1) Pick up some seeds or plants from garden stores/community collectives/your nana (she can send them in the mail!) 2) If using plants, dig small holes about 1015 cm deep, and about 20-30 cm apart.

3) Bury seeds a mere 1-2 cm down into the soil. If you plant them too far down they will not grow. You may need to grow seedlings inside in egg trays if the weather is too cold, but avoid doing this if possible – plants don’t appreciate being transported and it’s more hassle for you. 4) Give the plants a good watering directly after planting, and ensure they stay well-watered. You want the soil to be consistently moist, rather than having a large degree of variation. I anticipate this will not be a problem for the next three months or so. 5) If you are growing leafy greens such as silverbeet or spinach, you can pick leaves as they are ready. Alternatively, you can wait until the plant is a hearty size and pick the whole plant then and there. 6) If you have planted them too close to each other, thin out the weedy ones after a month or so to allow the stronger ones to blossom - Darwinism at its best.

Check out salient.org.nz for an extra recipe: Mama Jude's specialty silver beet balls.

 ARTS

BOOKS

ARTS My Infatuation with The Infatuations review

Philip McSweeney

Though he remains a relatively obscure presence in New Zealand, Spanish author Javier Marías is one of the titans of contemporary literature: perhaps the most important author you’d never heard of. He’s been “widely tipped to win the Nobel Prize for Literature”. His stature in Spain and other parts of Europe is something akin to hero worship. In a piece of trivia that I find endlessly delightful, he once wrote a book set in a fictional version of the small island of Redonda. The King of Redonda, having read this novel, was so moved by his impression that he ceded his crown to Marías: he became the royalty of an island by virtue of his fictional prowess. His latest novel, The Infatuations (Los Enamorados in Spanish, but unfortunately ‘enamorations’ isn’t an accepted conjugation in English and so ‘infatuations’ had to do) has The Guardian gushing, wagering that it will “acquire an equally devoted following” to Don Quixote. While that is perhaps hyperbolic, Marías’ latest

is a delight and a revelation, concurrently tugging at your heartstrings and engaging your grey matter. Those familiar with his works: rest assured that the distinct flourishes that render him such a unique force have been carried forward. The prose is masterfully stylised. His digressions, enquiries both metaphysical and psychological, and frequent ruminations upon life, death, cruelty, lust, mortality and perception remain firmly intact. His use of run-on sentences, usually a clumsy and offputting feature, works because of Marías’ knack for eloquent lyricism and almost symmetrical sentence constructions. Despite, or because of, this, the writing is taut and suspenseful.

the course of her job, Maria ends up having to tell one writer what socks he should wear, before dissuading another who wants to try cocaine because it’s ‘hip’) is funny in its own right, but also refreshing in the context of a work of literature—which usually opts for the circlejerk, self-aggrandising “omg literature is SO IMPORTANT GUYS” route (Slaughterhouse Five I’m looking at you). I strongly advise you to buy a copy: this is one royalty who deserves his royalties.

As for the tale itself: Maria Dolz, our protagonist, is an editor for a publishing house who becomes enchanted from a distance by a married couple she always sees at her local café. When the husband is found brutally murdered, she strikes up a connection with his widow, becoming entangled in an inextricable web of coincidence, entropy, subterfuge and guilt. And, lest I make it seem like The Infatuations is serious to the point of dour, I must mention the humour that pervades the novel. Marías’ gleeful mocking of self-serious, pretentious writers (in

Li twit ure: 1984 @bigbrother: Bright cold day. 2nd quarter. Clocks R striking 13. #warispeace

@6079Smith: I have been ungood. I have committed crimethink. I have no ownlife.

@6079Smith: [redacted] #thoughtcrimeisdeath

@6079Smith: No! @JuliaMinitrue! I love you! #ignoranceisNOTstrength

@bigbrother: VICTORY OVER EURASIA: http://www.kcna.co.jp/ index-e.htm #freedomisslavery

@bigbrother: @6079Smith Don't pass go. #room101 http://4sq. com/k9wQcs

@6079Smith: I thought it was Eastasia? @bigbrother: CORRECT. WE REJOICE. RT @6079Smith: I thought it was Eurasia?

@bigbrother: @6079Smith War is Peace http://twitpic.com/ cos2fj

@JuliaMinitrue: @6079Smith ILY

@bigbrother: @6079Smith Freedom is Slavery http://twitpic. com/cl6qu5

@6079Smith: @JuliaMinitrue Meet here? #bellyfeel http://4sq. com/bay6DP

@bigbrother: @6079Smith Ignorance is Strength http://twitpic. com/cl8lu2

@bigbrother: iSeeing u @6079Smith @JuliaMinitrue #thoughtcrime #sexcrime

@6079Smith: @bigbrother: DO IT TO @JuliaMinitrue @6079Smith: I love @bigbrother.  37

ARTS 

MUSIC Modern Vampires of the City: First Impressions

plethora of similar sounds on the album, so take some time to really pick it apart.

review

contributors Elise Munden and Philip McSweeney give you the track-bytrack play-by-play of Vampire Weekend’s latest album. McSweeney’s on Odds, Munden’s on evens.

1) ‘Obvious Bicycle’ – A wonderful track no doubt, featuring cutting lyrics that include: ‘spare your face the razor / because no-one’s gonna spend the time for you’. OH SHEEEIT. However, as an ‘opener’ it is oddly placed; even more incongruous than the in media res of Contra’s ‘Horchata’. To that end, I give you step one of how to tweak this great album: sandwich this in between ‘Step’ and ‘Diane Young’. Humour me—it gets good. 2) ‘Unbelievers’ – This starts off really cutesy and endearing, then woah what the hell they’re singing about love I thought they would stay indifferent 20-year-olds incapable of powerful emotions forever whaaaaaaaaaaat so confused help. ANYWAY. The sort of Celtic/Lord of the Rings soundtrack-type bit at the end reinforces their fascination with the ocean which is evident in so many of their songs, but apart from that one spark of insight, this song is ultimately just another pop ditty to be half-heartedly heard and forgotten. 3) ‘Step’ – My favourite of the teaser tracks. Ezra’s vocals make me melt and swoon every time, and concluding the song on a choral note is an innovative touch that represents the cherry on top. 4) ‘Diane Young’ – Instructions for listening to this song: put on white socks and sunglasses and slide around your apartment/shitty flat playing air guitar. Even though Ezra’s voice is almost comical in how far it gets (artificially) stretched in this song, his Elvis-like “baby baby baby baby” is utterly titillating. 5) ‘Don’t Lie’ – Some unexpected walking-bass grooves propels this song; kinda lacklustre vocal arrangements though. 6) ‘Hannah Hunt’ – Naaw. I wish my name was Hannah so that I could pretend they were singing this to me. The electric slide guitar is the perfect addition to the delicate instrumentation, and when Ezra (FINALLY) breaks out of his soft spoken-ness at around 2.45, the song reaches the zenith that it so desperately craves throughout. While this is a great track, it unfortunately gets lost amongst the 38 

7) ‘Everlasting Arms’ – :’). Of all the tracks on this album, this is the one that would fit seamlessly into Contra’s tracklisting, and it’s also the most ‘Vampire-Weekend-esque’ (buzzword!) of the tracks here. This is by no means meant derogatorily; au contraire, what with the swelling strings, interjections of guitar and ‘boom’ drums complementing Ezra’s wistful croon going on, if you’re not moved I recommend urgent medical attention due to lack of pulse. 8) ‘Finger Back’ – It’s always fun hearing Ezra experiment with how malleable his voice is, and this track is the perfect exemplar of this. I’m sceptical about the use of spoken words near the end, as it seems like a gimmicky attempt at accessing their inner poetry which they already do so naturally well with their lyrics. However, references to falafel shops should always be encouraged. 9) ‘Worship You’ – Unfairly ensconced between ‘Finger Back’ and ‘Ya Hey’, the temptation to skip it will be too much for some (myself included). Nothing of note going on up in hurr.

10) ‘Ya Hey’ – Not going to lie, I nearly cried a little bit the first time I heard this song. The lyrics are beautiful, and for once you can actually hear what he’s saying. While it retains that all too classic ‘Vampire Weekend sound’ of driving drums, catchy riffs, and soothing vocals, the addition of the choir adds an ethereal boost which achieves the solemnity they seem to be searching for throughout the album. However, I have absolute hatred for the weird chipmunk voice thing (RE: traumatic experiences with ‘The Laughing Gnome’ by David Bowie). 11) ‘Hudson’ – if I was a betting man, I’d wager that this’un is the blueprint for Vampire Weekend’s future direction. It’s the closest the album comes to the ‘experimental’ umbrella, denoted by unfocused drum work that begins shuffling, segues into jazz and pirouettes gracelessly into a kind of spastic trip-hop clutter. The lyrics are unusually macabre (“the water took its victim’s name”). Basically; it’s about as much fun to listen to as I imagine it was to create it. 12) ‘Young Lion’ – This closing track continues the band’s tradition of ending their records on a somewhat sombre note. I suppose it suits the overall existential futility of the record, but being reminded of how sad all of the preceding songs were just made me more sad.

 ARTS

MUSIC The Phoenix Foundation Fandango

which, while probably meaningless to most people in the age of digital downloads, means that it contains a fair bit of that music stuff. review

Ollie Neas

When The Phoenix Foundation sing on the opening track to their latest album about living in “the valley of the saggy” fighting a “neverending war with black mould”, you can’t help but feel that they’re talking about our very own Aro Valley. And they probably are. The Phoenix Foundation are a Wellington band and Fandango is their fifth and latest album. And it is exquisite. It is lush, lyrically playful, and inventive. But while these descriptions could all fairly be applied to each of the Foundation’s previous four albums—particularly 2010’s acclaimed Buffalo—Fandango does offer something new. It is bigger, more expansive and, frankly, more interesting. It’s a double album,

It’s an album with layers, ebbing and flowing from Wilco-esque folk-rock numbers to space-age pop ditties to 17-minute-long quasiexperimental numbers that sound a little bit Pink Floyd, a little bit Vangelis, and a little bit like that dude from Styx is about to break in with a “DŌMO ARIGATŌ MISTER ROBOTO”. And that’s cool with me. With all that space for music, it should come as no surprise that there are some odd moments. ‘Evolution Did’, a synth-laden tune that seems to have something to say about creationism, borders on the plain weird. Then there’s the acid-house-jazz flute solo in ‘Sideways Glance’, which is, well, acid-jazz-like. But at no point do these forays into the bizarre feel like mistakes. At first they’re unsettling, but given another listen

they add a richness to the album, and seem to be more evidence of the band’s good humour than anything else. On Fandango, it is clear that The Phoenix Foundation are a band who know they can make quality music—and do—but are willing to enjoy themselves in the process. One of the two frontmen, Samuel Flynn Scott, has described Fandango as “test-match music”. Sit down for it, for it takes commitment, but it’s worth it. It’s one of those albums that you can immerse yourself in without thinking about too much, but you can also devote all your attentions to and be rewarded. So I give this one not just two but THREE big thumbs up. It’s a nice feeling to give an album by a local band my regal imprimatur not because it’s locally sourced, but because it’s just plain good.

FILM EVENING FLIX gerald lee

To accompany the Adam Art Gallery’s new exhibition Beautiful Creatures, there will soon be a number of film evenings co-presented by VBC 88.3FM and your very own Salient. Evening Flix comprises a series of movies examining the lives, works and worlds of various artists. Here’s a quick guide to what’s being shown.

Caravaggio – Whilst it charts the works and life of the famous painter, Caravaggio goes one step further by adopting the artist’s unique aesthetic in order to play with form and image. Jack Smith and the Destruction of Atlantis – Not merely a portrait of an influential artist and filmmaker, but also an exploration of the underground New York scene that spawned a number of prominent artists throughout the 60s, 70s and 80s.

Andy Warhol’s Exploding Plastic Inevitable and Ciao! Manhattan – Looking at the cinematic work of Andy Warhol and the 60s artistic scene, this evening is basically a hipster’s mecca. Shut Up and Play the Hits – Rousing, evocative footage of LCD Soundsystem’s final concert is interspersed with rather more dull segments featuring James Murphy staring at various objects for extended periods of time. Essential viewing for fans, but don’t expect to be enlightened.

All films will be shown at 6 pm in the Memorial Theatre, Student Union Building. Tickets are $5 (an absolute bargain) and include the cost of refreshments offered in the Adam Art Gallery between 5 and 6 pm.

 39

ARTS 

VISUAL ARTS Beautiful Creatures and Fantastic Fantasies review

Morgan Ashworth

Bitches ain't shit and they ain't sayin' nothing / A hundred motherfuckers can't tell me nothing Probably not the words you expect to hear booming through the normally quiet, white and serene galleries of Victoria’s Adam Art Gallery. Nicki Minaj makes her debut appearance at the Adam in the form of artist Jacqueline Fraser’s large-scale installation THE MAKING OF THE CIAO MANHATTAN TAPES 2013, and sets the tone for the transformative Beautiful Creatures exhibition. (Side note: did nobody tell Nicki it’s bad form to rhyme a word with itself ?) Beautiful Creatures is an exhibition of youth, fantasy and desire. Works from Australian photographer Bill Henson’s Untitled 1998/1999/2000 series transform the top floor of the gallery into a dark, moody and mysterious setting. Henson’s portraits of lithe adolescents, unaware or unaffected by the camera’s presence, shoulders and limbs dappled

40 

by cool light as they emerge from a deep, pervasive blackness, clearly resemble the work of master painter Caravaggio. It is incredibly rewarding to feel that two artists’ practices, five hundred years apart, can speak to each other unironically.

their square canvas mounts, showing beautiful men and women, adorned with real wigs and cheap polyester veils. The work is gaudy and in your face, speaking to the sexualisation of popular culture and its conjunction with the luxurious alongside the lurid and the lewd.

Henson’s photographs alternate between vulnerable bare youths and empty locations, both on the verge, in a space in between. Neither day nor night, both intensely dark and luminously light, they tell the timeless tale of adolescence; of confident actions underneath overarching uncertainty, and of meaningless discontent.

The third artwork found in Beautiful Creatures is Jack Smith’s 1962-3 film Flaming Creatures, playing in the Kirk Gallery. Although running long, the whirling tableaux of male, female and gender-ambiguous figures in parodic Orientalist costume is the perfect accompaniment to Henson and Fraser’s works, and offers a mid20th century precedent for their practice.

She evokes similar themes, but Jacqueline Fraser defines her time and place much more assertively. This is hip-hop culture, here and now. A series of plastic-wrapped small collages in large frames depict women in provocative poses alongside rappers and similar imagery. The Nicki Minaj issuing through the gallery comes from the centre of Fraser’s immersive 3D installation around the corner, which sees the Lower Chartwell gallery space filled with hung collages, designer furniture and projected material. The collages spill over the edges of

Looking for Theatre? Head online to salient.org.nz/category/arts for an interview with Victoria students about their new play. The Water Station, by playwright Ōta Shōgo, runs from 14-18 May, at Victoria University’s Studio 77, and promises to be a unique theatrical experience on the Wellington arts calendar.

 ARTS

GAMES HEAVY RAIN

review

Jonathan Hobman

Never in my born days have I been so stressed playing a video game. Love-child of French developer Quantic Dream, Heavy Rain is videogame experimentation done right. The story follows 4 characters, a cop, a reporter, a private investigator, and a father, in their quest to find the Origami Killer: a serial murderer infamous for leaving a trail of drowned young boys, each with an orchid on their chest and an origami figure in their palms. Alas, as with everything but ballet, the less you are told about the plot the better. What put me in such a state is the fact that once a character ‘dies’, they die—no game overs, no retries. They are permanently removed from the story. And I liked the characters, a lot—they’re all flawed, and lonely, and they break my heart with their motion-captured melancholy. This made every decision a major investment. If you are prone to lingering and crippling regret this may not be the game for you. That coupled with such a profoundly cinematic, high-intensity game, with so much on the line I was haemorrhaging

The Salient Arts Rating Guide: 5 stars - Barman

over every decision I made. The decisions you make in this game put you through some very uncomfortable moral positions and not in the usual polar good-or-evil videogame blow up the city, don’t blow up the city kind of way. The clue is in Heavy Rain’s slogan: ‘What would you do to save someone you loved’—a question that is continually delivered in various morbid ways. The game is primarily a mixture of action sequences and investigation scenes, leads found from previous endeavours lead you into the next scene of that character. What further sets this game apart is the unusual control system and the use of opaque prompts superimposed onto the scene. One section has you contorting your way through a maze of live power grid cables while the onscreen prompts force you to delicately play twister with your fingers on the controller. Overall ,Heavy Rain is a highly cinematic innovation of video games and one of the better games of this generation. Look out for Quantic Dream’s next brain-melter, Beyond Two Souls, starring Ellen Page and costarring Willem Dafoe. I, for one, am giddy. 4/5

Top 5 Games for the Flat

4 stars - Batman

5. Little Big Planet

3 stars - Alfred

4. Crash Team Racing

2 stars - The Joker

3. Halo 2

1 stars - Robin

2. Super Smash Bros.

0 stars - Bruce Wayne

1. Settlers of Catan

 41

PUZZLES 

PUZZLES 'Trapped in the Closet' - DIFFICULTY: EASY 43. Abbreviation on a wanted poster 44. Like some annoying voices 47. It's added to some bank transactions 48. Heat-resistant bakeware 50. Style seen around Napier 52. Exploit 53. Doo-wop song that Kylie Minogue recorded in 1990 59. It can precede 'base' or 'page' 60. “Farewell, senor” 61. VIP transport 62. Years in Spain 63. French singer Gainsbourg 64. State confidently 65. Home for Woodstock 66. Alternative to 'trick', in October 67. Look after

ACROSS 1. Impersonated 5. Sign of balance? 10. “Star Trek” character with a cat named Spot 14. Attend 15. Cookies with creamy filling 16. “___ as we speak...” 17. Item often found down the back of the couch 18. Prods onwards 19. ___ Goldman (“Family Guy” pharmacist)

20. Give up, metaphorically 23. Idiosyncracy 24. Olympic performer 25. Fastener on a ship's hull 28. Ewe's mate 30. One who helps 31. He composed music for Jackson's “The Lovely Bones” 32. Winter month, for short 33. “___ not over yet” 34. Looking like one's seen a ghost 41. Old name for Tokyo 42. X, to Augustus

DOWN 1. No. on a bank statement 2. Friend of Eeyore 3. Prince in Muslim countries 4. Refer to symbolically 5. Branch of philosophy 6. Metal that rusts 7. Exhausted, slangily 8. Clinton's maiden name 9. Liability's opposite 10. Bulldoze 11. Sworn 12. Cylindrical, like the stem of a plant 13. It might be on the wall of a hunting lodge 21. Forte of Oscar Wilde 22. “____ Amore” 25. Actor Stephen of “V For Vendetta” 26. Know the ___ and outs of 27. Oath

Quiz 1. Who is Justin Timberlake’s song ‘Cry Me a River’ about?

6. What is the hole in the middle of a pencil sharpener called?

2. Which National Party MP apologised for calling a waiter a “dickhead” last week?

7. Where is a shrimp's heart located?

3. John Key said last week that “Wellington is a ____ city”? 4. Which international DJ and Black Eyed Pea hit New Zealand shores last week? 5. What sport does Bubba Watson play professionally?

8. Against what disease do the free injections VUWSA has funded vaccinate? 9. The shortest war in history, which lasted for just 38 minutes in 1896, was fought between Britain and _____?

ISSUE 07 SOLUTION

VARIETY SOLUTION FROM LAST WEEK: Solution to Week 8, 'Hostile Environments'. Word containing 'eco': Homecoming, Economy, Recording, Decorate, Seconds. Shade of green: Hunter, Emerald, Rifle, Dartmouth, Sea. Type of geographical feature: Hill, Estuary, River, Desert, Strait. European country: Hungary, Estonia, Romania, Denmark, Serbia. African mammal: Hyena, Elephant, Rhinoceros, Dik-dik, Serval

YEAR LONG PUZZLE: 9. Rearrange DIETITIAN into a word meaning 'started up' (9).

10. The latest Star Trek film is called Star Trek into the ____?

head. 8. Influenza. 9. Zanzibar. 10. Darkness. ANSWERS: 1. Britney Spears. 2. Aaron Gilmore. 3. Dying. 4. Will.i.am. 5. Golf. 6. A chuck. 7. In its

variety puzzles & CROSSWORD by puck — ANSWERS NEXT ISSUE

42 

28. Regret 29. Chalcedony, for one 32. Go from ___ Z 33. Holm who played Bilbo 35. A front seat has one; a back seat usually doesn't 36. Runs in neutral 37. Bishop's realm 38. Musical talent 39. Manage barely, with 'out' 40. IRD's focus 44. Fillion of “Firefly” 45. “We Too ____” (Eurythmics album) 46. He played Uncle Jesse in “Full House” 47. What a lonely heart grows, in a saying 48. Unit for air pressure 49. Give an earful 51. Seafront 52. Knock over 54. Become stuck in 55. Relaxing activity that uses a mat 56. Not from a studio 57. Portent 58. One of six in this clue

 PUZZLES

Target

e t m

f l a t a s

Target rating guide:

Flatting Word Search yo!

0-15 words: do you even go here? 16-25 words: alright 26-35 words: decent 36-50 words: PRO 50+ words: free drink

LANDLORD

INTERNET

REPAIRS

LOCATION

RENTING

BONDS

EVICTION

EXPENSES

STUDENTS

FREEZING

BANK ACCOUNT

BEDROOMS

NEIGHBOURS

HEATING

CLEANING

POOR

BILLS

PARTIES

COMMUNICATION

MOULDY

BONDING

Sudoku difficulty: easy

difficulty: medium

difficulty: hard

 43

LETTERS 

letters autonomy and crime reduction. If someone commits no crime other than to experiment with

Letter of the

week

Sincerely, SEFTMS Lecturer

their own consciousness, then they should not

win a $10 voucher for the hunter lounge

be made criminals because of pointless laws. If, as a country, we view ourselves as socially progressive, then any increase of personal autonomy should be encouraged. Furthermore, decriminalisation would prevent ordinary, otherwise law-abiding citizens, from being targeted and wasting public resources.

NICE GUYS FINISH LAST Hey VUWCupid people, Enough with the nice guy posts already, yeah? If you need to tell us how much of a great human being you are in such a self-congratulatory way I don’t want to out with you. You know why girls go out with assholes? Maybe because they’re not actually assholes. Maybe because they’re not passiveaggressive self-aggrandizing fedora bros. Maybe because it’s none of your fucking business who I date. Eternal love,

Legalization would then help to prevent violent cartels, which have no respect for any laws, from controlling a massive market that has the potential to provide an economic ‘shot in the arm’ for New Zealand. I understand that none of these arguments are original and many may dismiss them as the ramblings of a ‘stupid stoner’, but these are discussions that are required. It seems to be more apparent to even those who do not partake in recreational inhalation that the current still do, and will continue to, put anything they can find into their body, managing a problem by treating the causes is far better than reacting to the symptoms. Yours highly, Political Stoner

Dear Salient Could you get some class? How could that letter win it wasn’t even clever, just a bit gross. Also your lack of articles on ANZAC or that sort of stuff (you might of had something on it I don’t generally read the whole magazine) and your blatant racism against us half cast by denying us an article in last last weeks (or was it last weeks? Soz I digress) issue was quite disappointing and offensive. I would say you guys are crap journalist but after a couple of months of watching 7 sharp, you could do worse. Sincerely Calf

EN-RAPTOR-ED Dear dinosaurlient THEY’RE MAKING A 3D MOVIE OF WALKING WITH DINOSAURS. MY SCIENCE DEGREE IS FINALLY JUSTIFIED. AND, PARADOXICALLY

OMG, STAFF READ SALIENT (!) IT WAS A JOKE, I SWEAR!

THAT ARTICLE GOT LOST IN THE MARGIN

laws are in need of revision. People always have,

Not Even Your Friend.

Kia Ora,

(or ironically? Idk, I don’t do English) THERE IS DEFINITELY A GOD. Yours in hypotheses Future NIWA worker.

So you received a notification about winning

A Riposte I don't really know how to reply to your letter Bitter-and-Alone, you took a letter written in jest and turned it into something "arrogant and disgusting". It's a joke, not a dick, don't take it so hard. Fez Guy

an academic award, but no money? There are two likely answers: 1) Endowments are invested, and annual prizes are disbursed from the income of the investments. If there is no investment income, there is no money to award. Our programme has an award that is supposed to come with money, but the economic

MARY-JANE 4 PM Dear Salient, With regards to the current issue of legal highs, it seems to be more and more obvious that the current prohibition of what they’re trying to replicate, is shortsighted and foolish. People will continue to do what people do, and experiment with whatever they can get their hands on, regardless of the legality. Having attended a rather pointless and dumb ‘protest’ at Frank Kitts Park, it became apparent to me that the current activists in the field were far too addled by overuse of various substances and could not form a fully reasoned argument that had the potential to appeal to voters across the political spectrum. Personally I think that the two most powerful arguments are those regarding personal

44 

overhead costs.

recession wiped out the endowment fund, so there was no money to give. So we (the academic staff) made contributions out our own pockets so that the thing that happened to you wouldn't happen to the student we gave the prize to. 2) For some scholarships, the jury awards more prizes than they have money to fund. If ten applications meet the criteria equally well, they should all get funded, rather than the jury pretending that 5 of them were somehow better. This is a method of protesting inadequate funding for quality research. In either case, I doubt the university is stealing scholarship endowments to cover management costs. I suspect that the amount of money that alumni, industry, and government endow to undergraduate scholarships, sadly, is not enough to make any difference to cover

ENVIRONMENT WEEK’S OVER Dear Salient, Trees are great, I like trees. Trees are fun for me and you. Can we save them? Pretty please? My friends here are all Greenies and I love that Salient is too. Trees are great, I like trees. My favourite is the Kauri tree but some days I think the Yew. Can we save them? Pretty please? They grow in the earth with such ease that I think I could be one too. Trees are great, I like trees. I bough before the mighty tree and Mother Nature I try to woo. Can we save them? Pretty please? I like it when they move in the breeze but now there are too few.

 LETTERS

letters Trees are great. I like trees.

Are you guys free for a cawfee anytime soon?

pirates who ruled the high seas with their hijinks

Can we save them? Pretty please?

Best,

and shenanigans lo those many hundreds of years

Dunca

ago. Please take note that I am not speaking about

Love, ~The Environment~

time in a linear fashion, but rather as a ball of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey stuff. Okay? Alright

SEE YOU IN THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE Hey Dickheadlient, I Hear yo're giving awaya Hunter LOUnge

KEEP IT ON VUWCUPID, EH? Dear Beautiful Samoan Boy at the Fairer

park. Isn't it wonderful where your imagination can take you? I want you to observe those children over there with your very own eyes.

Fares Forum, You spoke so eloquently at the forum that I

To be Continued, Mary Guilbeaux

thought it was necessary to express my public transport love for you. You said that sometimes

voucher. I want it.

now take a walk with me. Wow now we're in a

OOOOooooooOOOOOOoooo

No/? I'm to drunk?

you have to put on a "high-voice" just to get

I don't evengo here?

a cheap child's pass on the bus but baby, you

FUCk you.

wouldn't have to do that on my love-train. Maybe

What the fuck are whales up to?

Do you know who I am???? Im a

you could take me back to Samoa, it would be

Love,

just the two of us in our own love bus or maybe

Smith

veryImportant politician I once even Said somethingin parliament.

a train or maybe we could just cuddle under a

I'lll get my bff JOhn to fire your asses.

palm tree. You're seriously hot and I don't usually

fucktards.

get so flustered but boy, did you make me wanna

Aaron Gilmore

stay on that hub-bus until your stop. Just think about it, In Love

Yet Been Featured In McSweeney’s Internet

decided to kick the habit. No more morning coffee/ durry combo, no more stress relief fag, no more

NO LONGER AT THIS ADDRESS, RTS

Tendency OR Quarterly, I mean, why?

Dear Salient,

I’m, like, totally verbose, yo.

I'm just writing to say hello, how are you? I feel

like we haven't talked to each other in a long time

Second-year English Student

and we should really hang out sometime! How about we go get some coffee? That was a joke, I don't actually like coffee, as you know! Remember

#VUWSACAT

that one time with Raoul? Hahahaha that was great. Sometimes I just catch myself thinking

Hey salient,

about life how it used to be with us, man. Do you

Critic. Lol.

miss that like I do? DO you still get those feelings?

Yours

DO YOU?! Anyway, respond when you get this!

Howie Staples

Tender caresses,

ps, get a cat

An Old Friend

Sent from my iPhone

WE’LL TAKE TWO LONG BLACKS I have been very much troubled by the

smoke. The thing I miss most is the glamour and sultriness of smoking; it's hard to look smooth when you're substituting slowly dragging on a cig with agitatedly stuffing your face with cream buns. I'm too young to be a reformed smoker. Quitting is for sad, middle-aged people having a crisis. Can't I just keep smoking til I'm 30 and then give up? Quitting is for people who would rather lead a long, boring life than a short, exciting one. What if they invent a cure for cancer in my lifetime and I never needed to quit at all? Sometimes, when I'm attempting to put my nicotine patch on in the morning, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I'm disgusted at what I've become. The state has cowered and bullied me into being this meek wretch. Maybe I'll quit quitting.

WHO ARR YOU? First of all, don't you dare try to correct my spelling of your name. That was intentional and

weather lately. The wind is chilly and when I am

represents a reflection on the decreasing justice

walking in the shade it is very cold. But when I

within humanity. Second of all, I want you and all of

am in the sun it is warm. It is very impractical.

your readers to consider every time they have ever

I generally leave my flat (which is notoriously

fruitfully exclaimed, "I wish I were a pirate!" Do you

colder than the road) with a jacket on. Better

though. Do you really. Are you aware of the terrible

to be on the safe side, I say. BAD FUCKING

conditions and disgusting hygiene that pirates

DECISION DUNCAN. It soon becomes warm and

put up with daily? Again, don't try that sass with

suddenly sweltering. I seek cover. The jacket is

me and tell me that there are no longer pirates.

too big so hard to drape over one arm or stuff in

Newsflash man, pirates still exist, but that is not my

my bag. I end up dragging it along behind me.

point. I am not talking about modern day pirates.

It is just a real troubling time.

post-coital cigarette, no more after dinner digestion

Smoker

Greetings Salienenenent, Dear Stella and Molly,

Hi, Thanks to the uni's new no-smoking policy, I

NOT BITTER An Open Letter To The Fact That I Have Not

NICOTEEN

As you will clearly note, I am speaking about the

SALIENT LETTERS POLICY 2013 Salient welcomes, encourages, and thrives on public debate – be it serious or otherwise – through its letters pages. Write about anything you like: Beyoncé, puppies, or the metaphysics of space-time. Send us love mail, send us hate mail, send us party invites. We want it all. Letters must be received before 12pm on the Wednesday for publication the next week. Letters must be no longer than 250 words. Pseudonyms are fine, but all letters must include your real name, address and telephone number, these will not be printed. Please note that letters will not be corrected for spelling or grammar.The Editor reserves the right to edit, abridge or decline any letters without explanation. Letters can be sent to: Email: letters@salient.org.nz Post: Salient, c/- Victoria University of Wellington Hand-delivered: the Salient office, Level 3, Student Union Building (behind the Hunter Lounge)

 45

notices 

NOTICES CAREERS AND JOBS

Employers have made an effort to come on-

Email: VicOE@vuw.ac.nz

campus for the Expos, so should you!

Website: victoria.ac.nz/exchange

Details on CareerHub: careerhub.victoria.ac.nz

 Career opportunities!

Visit us: Level 2, Easterfield Building

Applications closing soon:

 Free careers handouts and advice!

Drop-in hours: Mon- Wed 1-3, Thurs & Fri 10-12

 Summer internships, holiday work and graduate Organisations

Closing

opportunities on offer! Read our blog on how to make the most of the

Google

May 15

expo: viccareers.wordpress.com

Westpac

May 16

Seriously, no joke - Be there!

ASB (Rural)

May 17

IBM

May 18

ANZ

May 19

Free Public Lecture ‘Enough!’

May 20

Chapman Tripp

May 22

Tonkin & Taylor

May 24

Fitzsimons will explore the psychology behind

AIESEC

May 25

our obsession with growth, and the challenges to

Intergen

May 30

Challenges to a Post-Growth Economy Former Green Party Co-Leader Jeanette

communities, governments and future ministers of finance who either choose or are forced to run a post-growth economy.

NZICA

Tuesday 14th May 6.30pm

Xero

LT1 Rutherford House, Pipitea Campus

Palantir Technologies

May 31

Transpower

June 1

AECOM New Zealand

June 3

Opus

June 7

MOVIES! POPCORN! BIG SCREEN! Time to get yo' ass to Film Society! This week is Short Film Extravaganza Week, so we'll be playing

Honeywell

Scott Technology

VIC UNI FILM SOCIETY

The VUW Language Ball 2013

the most swishtastic shorts ever! The coolest and zaniest short films from New Zealand, Czechoslovakia, Sweden, France, and the USA will be shown, including works by Roman Polanski (The Pianist) and Joss Whedon (The Avengers).  When: 6:30pm, Thursday 16th May  Where: Memorial Theatre, Student Union Building  Cost: Gold coin entry or $15 for society membership (entry to all films for the year)  Popcorn and soft drinks provided. Keeping your seat warm ;)

BUSINESS CLUB Business and Investment Club (BIC) invites you

The VUW Language Ball 2013 for all language

to the last guest speaker event this trimester:

students, partners, and friends!

"Forex: Being in the business of foreign exchange"

Fisher & Paykel

June 17

 When: Saturday 08 June, 7.30pm to 11.30pm.

with Bryn Griffiths, CEO Edge Capital Markets,

Deutsche Bank

June 27

 Where: D4, 143 Featherston St Wellington.

who will introduce to us the world of Forex

 Tickets: $40 each.

Currency trading, where you will get an insight

Your ticket will provide you with:

into what makes the difference between those

 1 complimentary drink*, nibbles, a professional

who are successful and those who struggle. He

photographer, a professional DJ.

will introduce you to what are the most important

 Tickets go on sale Wednesday 01 May at the

aspects of trading – you will be surprised. If you

LLC (level 0 Von Zedlitz). Cash payments at the

are interested in getting aboard one of the world’s

LLC. There are limited numbers so get in quickly!

biggest financial markets, this talk is just for you.

Please note: the dress code is formal and you

Starts next Monday 20th May @ 4pm and takes

must be 18 or over to attend (bring certified ID

place in room SU218 (below Hunter lounge).

Employer Presentation

Date

Palantir Technologies Xero

May 17 May 20

STUDY OPTIONS, CAREERS AND JOBS

with you).

Library Assignment Help

Introducing AILASA to VUW scholars and postgraduates

Do you have an assignment you need help finding

In 2012 the X Biennial Conference of the

books and articles for? Bring it along and get

Association of Iberian and Latin American Studies

help from Library research experts! Come to our

of Australasia was held at VUW under the auspices

workshops on Tuesday 14, 21 & 29 May, 11am-1pm

of the VILLA. After a successful conference the

on Level 2 of The Hub, Kelburn Campus.

new VUW based executive committee are very

 Unsure of what to study/do with your degree?  Need help with your CV/Interviews? … visit Vic Careers (14 Kelburn Parade)!

Victoria International Development Society: Oxfam's Biggest Coffee Break! 10.30am-2.30pm, Tuesday 14th May. Kirk Foyer.

happy to introduce AILASA to New Zealand as this

Change the world, one cup of coffee at a time! In honour of Fairtrade Fortnight, come grab a delicious cup of Fairtrade coffee or tea for a koha donation. All proceeds go to Oxfam's work

is the first time this important regional organisation

Vic OE – Vic Student Exchange Programme

eradicating global poverty.

TIME OUT!

American University info session coming up!  Earn Vic credit, get Studylink & grants, explore

of scholars and specialists in Iberian and Latin American Studies has had a base in the country. AILASA expands its membership to all Victoria scholars and postgraduates working in these fields. For further information please see ailasa.org.

the world! A must do while at Vic! Two big Careers Expos this week - For ALL students.

 Monday May 13th – 11.30am American University

 Campus Careers Expo – Thursday, 16 May!

(Washington, USA)

11am – 2pm, Alan MacDiarmid Foyer, Kelburn

 All sessions will be held @ Easterfield Building,

organisations. Notices should be received by 5pm Tuesday the

 ICT Careers Expo – Friday, 17 May!, 12pm – 2pm

Level 2

week before publication. Notices must be fewer than 100 words.

Alan MacDiarmid Foyer, Kelburn

 Weekly seminars on Wednesdays, Level 2,

For-profit organisations will be charged $15 per notice. Send

This could be the only time and event to meet

Easterfield Building, 12.50pm

recruiters/company representatives in person!

46 

Notices Policy: Salient provides a free notice service for all VIctoria students, VUWSA-affiliated clubs not-for-profit

notices to editor@salient.org.nz with 'Notice' in the subject line.

SALIENT 'S YOU

VBC

Tune in to your student radio station! 88.3fm or stream online at vbc.org.nz

tues

sat

sun

DJ MP3 Player beep....

Raw Politik Emanuel & Neas

Brooke

Wake N' Bake w/ Pearce & Duncan

Joe McKay

Maddie

Michael Berriman

The VBC Hip Hop show w/ Fabulous G

Alex, Michael & Nick

Dave & ED

Thursday Drive "Add w Aidan"

Josh King's Drive show

Craig & Pals

The Vinyl Countdown

The B-Side Revolution w/ Richard

Making Waaves w/ Kariiba & Guests

Diddakoi w/ Keszia Tyler

Railroad Blues w/ Ray

7–10am 10–noon

James River!

Podcasts + Mixtapes

DC Current w/ Duncan & Cam

THE BEEF! w/ Matt & Alex

Grace Ace Fills the Space

INFIDEL CASTRO w/ Philip McSweeney

The Imposters

SALIENT w/ Molly & Stella (3-4pm)

Olivia

What Is ART? w/ Virginia

Joe Sloane Drive

Ctrl/Alt/Dlt w/ Keegan &

Tbodega he Mixtape w/ Sam!

Slim Picking's w/ Slim & Bunny

The Drop w/ Gussie

Train-Spotting w/ Holly & Stumble

PRE-LOAD w/ Matt &

George Armstrong Dead Air

Chris Gilman The Night Shift

THAT'S SO METAL Mitchell

Compulsory ECSTASY w/ Kim & Nic

DANCE! DANCE! DANCE! w/ Tim

12–2pm

The

2–4pm

fri

4–7pm

thurs

7–9pm

weds

9–late

mon

Missed out on getting a show? Spaces come up throughout the year; email your interest to stationmanager@vbc.org.nz

VBC Breakfast Show

w/ Sally & Maddie Sweet music, news, interviews & giveaways

rohan

The Beatcomber w/ Trent Vile

Domo Arigato Mr Robato

Sunday Fly Lorenzo &

gang

friends

GIG GUIDE mon 13

tues 14 2 for 1 Margherita Pizzas

mighty mighty san francisco bathhouse

weds 15

thurs 16

fri 17

Happy Hour 4-6pm

Vic OE Quiz

Science Society Quiz

After school

Mighty Quiz 6:30pm Fighting the Shakes 9:30pm (free!)

Michele A'Court- Stuff I Forgot To Tell My Daughter

Big River Chain & The Sommers

Bloodbags, Sheit Gesit & Bad Medicine

Late Laughs

They Might Be Giants w/ Tom Lark

Bollywood Fever Night ($10) 10:30pm

Best of the Fest

Battle of the Bands The Wellington Mingus Ensemble (free!)

Latin Club 8:30pm (free)

The Jam 8pm (free)

Tiny Ruins 'Haunts' EP Release + French for Rabbits ($10) 8:30pm

puppies

SANDWICHES

Emporium Clothes Sale!!! 1-5pm

Steve HughesBig Issues

bodega meow cafe

William John Hooker & The Psychedelic Cigar Band w/ Cookie Brooklyn & the Crumbs

special

sat 18

Propaganda (free!) 10pm

Super Brawl Invitational Beat Battle ($10) 10pm

The Peacekeepers - P. Digsss/ Sambora/Nicky Research ($15)  47

WELCOME TO YOUR NEW DREAM HOME! ! ! ! ! ! w wo

What an absolute gem we have here! Nestled in the shadows of the Aro Valley, this one-of-a-kind flat is a nature-lover’s dream. With single-glaze windows, unstopped draughts, and a minimalist approach to insulation, this house boasts fantastic indoor-outdoor flow—we know you’ll love getting a taste of the outdoors all year round. Live here and you might just be lucky enough to share your home with some of the country’s rarest breeds of native fungus—they’ll grow straight out of your carpet!

And if entertaining is your thing, you and your friends will just adore celebrating* in this charming cottage! Really, what more could you ask for?! Every Prince and Princess deserves to live in a Palace—DON’T MISS OUT ON THIS ONE! *‘celebrating’ here refers to gatherings of no more than five (5) people, on Fridays and Saturdays, before 10 pm, with a total volume of no greater than 50 decibels.

fancy!!

Just look at these rooms! We say they have the Goldilocks effect—large enough to fit all your belongings, yet small enough to be able to touch all of your stuff from the comfort of your bed. Just right.

Do you consider yourself a bit of a Masterchef? Keep your friends guessing with your creations on this stove—it’ll play you as hot and cold as your meals will be.

Listing number: #245624

SA LIENT 1938

REAL ESTATE

SA LIENT 1938

She might not look like much now, but we bet you can’t wait to work your magic on those walls! This house is every DIY-ers** DREAM. Make it your Palace today! **’DIY’ excludes alteration to the property of any way, including, but not limited to, the use of nails, hooks, picture hooks, 3M hooks, pins, tacks, sellotape, Blu-Tack, Blu-Tack Green, White Tack, and Fun-Tak.

Contact Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University P.O. Box 600. Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766

Email: editor@salient.org.nz Website: salient.org.nz Twitter: @salientmagazine Facebook: facebook.com/ salientmagazine