Issuu

monday 25th march 2013

VOL 76 ISSUE 04

victoria university of wellington student magazine

JOURNALISTIC PROPHETS Editors: Stella Blake-Kelly & Molly McCarthy editor@salient.org.nz Designer: Laura Burns designer@salient.org.nz News Editor: Chris McIntyre news@salient.org.nz Arts Editor: Philip McSweeney arts@salient.org.nz Chief Reporter: Phillipa Webb News Interns: Sophie Boot & Alex Lewin Film Editor: Gerald Lee Books Editor: Alexandra Hollis Visual Arts Editor: Sharon Lam Music Editor: Philip McSweeney Theatre Editor: Diana Russell Feature Writers: Henry Cooke & Patrick Hunn Chief Sub-editor: Nick Fargher Web Editor: Laetitia Laubscher Distrubition Specialist: Joanna Judge

Contributors Hayley Adams, Morgan Ashworth, Sonya Clark, Sinead Gage, Penny Gault, Simon Gennard, Freddie Hayek, Hector and Janet, Becca Hofmann, Ashleigh Hume, Earl Kavinta, Eve Kennedy, Lux Lisbon, Bing Lou, Josh Lynex, Johanna McDavitt, Mary Magdalene, Carla Marks, Eleanor Merton, Gus Mitchell, Elise Munden, Ollie Neas, Lydia Nobbs, Ngai Tauira, Chloe Davies, Thomas Palmer, Pasifika Students' Council, Diana Russell, Jordan Skrzynski, Grace Tong Contributor of the Week: Alexandra Hollis

Contact Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University P.O. Box 600. Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766 Email: editor@salient.org.nz Website: salient.org.nz Twitter: @salientmagazine Facebook: facebook.com/salientmagazine

Advertising Contact: Ali Allen Phone: 04 463 6982 Email: sales@vuwsa.org.nz

About us Salient is produced by independent student journalists, employed by, but editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students' Association (VUWSA). Salient is a member of, syndicated and supported by the Aoteroa Student Press Association (ASPA). Salient is funded by Victoria Univeristy of Wellington students, through the Student Services Levy. It is printed by Printcorp of Tauranga. Opinions expressed are not necessarily representative of ASPA, VUWSA, Printcorp, fans of vegemite or deities of the world, but we of Salient are proud of our beliefs and take full responsibility for them.

Other Subscriptions: Too lazy to walk to uni to pick up a copy of your favourite mag? We can post them out to you for a nominal fee. $40 for Vic Students. $55 for everyone else. Please send and email containing your contact details with ‘subscription’ in the subject line to editor@salient.org.nz this issue is dedicated to:

DAYS OR REST, EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT RELIGIOUS, WE ALL NEED ONE.

“

"Blaming past bigotry on religion is easy, a scapegoat we use since we’re uncomfortable with the hate our whole culture once engaged in."

”

the god allusion, page 22

E I L N A T S 1938

An Organ of Student Opinion Since 1938

arts

features

books

18 weekly content

editorial

THE SALIENT COMPENDIUM OF WORLD RELIGIONS

top ten 6

news 14

politics 16

campus digest

God of Nations: At Our Feet?

film columns

visual arts

vuwsa

music

sex secret diary

The God Allusion

theatre

24 Lizard People, Church Steeples, and Tin-Foil Hats

26 SOCIETY: NUN THE WISER

fixing your life 34

law weekly rant

food & drink

salient <3 you

puzzles letters 46

Easter: A Hare-y Tale

notices

long, black & handsome

29 north, the way to heaven?

◄ ◄ • 3 • ►►

vbc gig guide

 EDITORIAL 

Three weeks into the year and Easter is already upon us: congratulations on surviving O-Week hook-ups, being forever on hold to StudyLink, and uncomfortable tutorial icebreakers. For those of you who are new to Victoria, welcome to your very first “study break”. If you resign yourself to the fact that you won’t actually do any study now, you’re going to save yourself a week of regret and heartache. Trust us on this one. Put the books down and eat chocolate bunnies like there’s no tomorrow (and no assignments due when you get back). Growing up in a secular school system, it’s quite forgivable—well we like to think so—to not really know what Easter signifies beyond chocolate and cinnamon buns. Not that we’re complaining about getting five days off, but for the non-Christian among us it can sometimes be difficult to understand why these inherently religious holidays continue to have such a stronghold on our society. About three weeks ago you would have filled out your census;

o r

for the first time in New Zealand history the number of New Zealanders who identify as Christian is expected to drop below 50 per cent. Meanwhile the number of us who select “no religion” continues to rise. (The verdict is still out on the number of adherents to the YOLO faith; we’ll keep you posted). As we get older and learn that most of the things we accept as truth aren’t really how they appear (Santa, sob), it can be hard sometimes to work out what we do—and can—believe in. After all, even goddesses like Beyonce have lip-synced. If we aren’t believing in religion—or Beyonce— what do we believe in? ... ... We’ll have to keep you posted on that one. In the meantime, kick back and have a slice of Marmite toast for us these holidays—it’s been resurrected just in time for Easter.

molly

& stella

◄ ◄ • 4 • ►►

salient's 7 modern SINS

ons to Beli ev as e R

6. 7.

Breaking up via text—never end a relationship with a text. Texting isn’t a place for meaningful conversation; it’s basically one step up from changing your relationship status on Facebook. Break their heart via calling instead; their tears/anger will short circuit the phone and end the call anyway. Emotion filled statuses/selfies in your bathroom mirror/hash-tagging on Facebook—although this provides amusement and humour in a why-arepeople-so-ridiculous kind of way. Save your emotional #THATSREALTALK status for private message and save the hash tags for Twitter. Having a 'Keep Calm and Carry On' poster above your bed—it’s not a thing anymore. It’s over. The meaning was lost in too many bad puns and with girls who read Cosmo. Over stalking someone on the internet and then referring to something you found out in real life—you can’t go back from mentioning that time in 2011 when they weren’t let into the MGMT concert because they had drunk too many Cruisers. Also related, liking something on Facebook/Instagram from a long time ago or favouriting a tweet. Writing passive aggressive notes to your flatmates – leaving a smiley face at the end of “Hey, could you leave your dirty plates in the sink” doesn’t make up for it. Just suck it up and tell them face-to-face. Drunken texting –There’s a reason you don’t contact these people sober. Waking up to read “wea r u?? come to towwwnn secxy” will make you want to crawl into a hole forever. Just put down the phone and pick up another drink; you’ll thank yourself in the morning.

top ten

h ts

ug ho

Drunkenly hooking up with someone in your tutorial— the following shame and awkward encounters aren’t worth your drunken urges. Save it for those you won’t be seeing in a confined space once a week. Also applies to flatmates, neighbours, and people in your hall you have no romantic interest in.

d Go

By Chloe Davies

rlo

u lo -@ salizzo

10 A prayer for every situation

9 Improve your antiCatholic jokes

8 Someone to talk to during sex

7 Endless fun trolling fundamentalists

6 It takes the stress out of mortality

5 Sexy Nuns with Bad Habits

4 12 extra NCEA credits per year

3 Nobody has commitment issues

2 She’s probably hot

1 You don’t have to talk to atheists

♦ NEWS ♦

news Up in smoke Butts out at uni, but not in the sexy way Phillipa Webb

Student and staff smokers are feeling put out by new University regulations which will ban smoking on campus from late April. The smoke-free campus change means that no one can smoke on any Victoria University campuses or properties—including Halls of Residence, the Hunter Lounge, Milk and Honey and outdoor spaces around campus—from April 29 this year. Smokers will be asked by Campus Care to move off campus, and provided with advice on support available for stopping smoking. The decision to go smoke-free was made following a consultation period last year, where staff and students were asked to have their say on whether they were in favour of a smoke-free campus. Overall, 72 per cent of the more than 2400 respondents were in favour of becoming smokefree. However, many expressed concern about smokers gathering at entrance points to the University, while others said that the restriction of freedom of choice and providing designated areas for smokers were major concerns. Victoria University Chancellor Ian McKinnon said that a smoking ban would provide a healthier workplace for everyone on campus. "Smoking has a negative impact on the environment generally [and] therefore an adverse impact on the other people on campus who don't actually smoke," he said. The University’s decision to implement a smoke-free campus from April, as opposed to the beginning of the calendar or academic year, has sparked criticism. VUWSA President Rory McCourt is “disappointed” that the start date isn’t January 1. “Consultation last year showed that students overwhelmingly supported a smoke-free campus, but that it shouldn’t be done in a forceful way. Our members said it ought to be introduced from January 1st. VUWSA passed on those views,” said McCourt. Campus Services Associate Director Rainsforth Dix says the decision to become

And god said: "thou shalt bring me thine news"; news@salient. org.nz

Canterbury University and AUT University are also smoke-free. Massey University's grounds are smoke-free, except for designated smoking areas.

SHOULD VUW BECOME SMOKEFREE?

smoke-free after the mid-trimester 1 break was made to allow time to “effectively communicate” the change to new and existing students. “The focus will be on educating people about where they can smoke, by way of posters, signage and web information,” she says. Dix also told Salient that the University anticipates the costs of promotional materials and advertising will be approximately $3500. The VUWSA logo will not appear on posters promoting the smoke-free change after the VUWSA Executive failed to pass a motion for the move. “VUWSA will be supporting students who wish to give up through resources and referrals,” said McCourt. Currently, the University’s Safe Campus Policy prohibits smoking within three metres of a building, in vehicles owned or hired by Victoria, and in service areas. Campus Services staff have compiled maps outlining the proposed smoke-free areas. The maps indicate Kelburn Pde and Cobblestone Park (outside the Te Aro campus) as areas smokers would be able to use. The changes have been met with opposition by some students on campus. One student and smoker Salient spoke to said the University shouldn’t take away students right to smoke on campus. “We’re old enough to make the decision whether to smoke or not, its just ridiculous.” Another student Salient spoke to said that a smoke-free campus is just an addition to other smoke free public spaces. “You can’t smoke at schools, cafés, or bars now—so why should you be able to smoke at Uni?” she said. Auckland University became smoke-free in 2010, and Registrar Tim Greville said that although the policy was not actively enforced it had made a “notable difference on campuses.” “This light-handed approach has been most appropriate and successful to the point that it is not even controversial that all our campuses are smoke-free," he said. ◄ ◄ • 6 • ►►

Against For

28%

72%

Unknown Non-smokers Smokers

For

Against

STUDENTS AND STAFF, FOR AND AGAINST 2500

Against For

2000

1500

1000

500

0 Staff

Students

♦ NEWS ♦

Fairer Fares: students for ‘em at Forum Phillipa Webb

A call for Wellington City Councillors to get on board the Fairer Fares for Tertiary Students campaign hit a speed bump at a discussion forum last week. Local Councillors, MPs, and tertiary education representatives attended the Young Labour-led ‘Tertiary fares, are they fair?’ forum at Hutt City Baptist Church last Thursday. Wellington Council Public Transport Committee Deputy Chairman Peter Glensor answered some tough questions from the more than 60 people—mainly public transport-using students—who attended. Glensor said that more than 75 per cent of the Council's budget is spent on public transport, and an in-depth analysis of how fares are organised must happen before any decision on fee-cuts for tertiary students would be made. “The Council is currently looking at the possibility of a new basis for charging fares, monthly discounts on the train or giving particular groups cheaper fares,” he said. He also suggested extending the current student discount for high school students to tertiary students aged 19, 20 or 21, but only to full-time

students. “But our statistics show that students take 3.5 million trips a year on Wellington public transport, and if we made a $1 discount on every one of those trips, it would cost the council $3.5 million,” he said. Labour Hutt South MP Trevor Mallard said that although it was tempting to cut fares on the basis of age, there were many mature students who would miss out on cheaper public transport. Mr Mallard also said the Government needed to change the policy setting towards public transport, to make cheaper fares a priority rather than billiondollar motorways. Both Labour MP Chris Hipkins and Green MP Holly Walker were in favour of the fairer fares scheme. They raised the possibilities of producing ten-trip tickets for students or providing free public transport for students with the cost shared by universities, local government and the Ministry of Transport. Both MPs also revealed it was “pretty weird” being at the forum held in the church—formerly a movie theatre—where they each had their first dates. The founder of the Tertiary Education and Price Petition Simon Hills argued that the reality was that

75 sorry excuses Students only cheating themselves, university exams Alex Lewin

According to recently released figures, Victoria University had the highest number of cheating students in 2012, with 75 students accused of academic misconduct. Victoria was closely followed by AUT’s 66 students, 56 at Massey, 46 at Otago, 22 at Auckland, 20 at Lincoln, and 17 at Canterbury. Students are becoming increasingly creative with their cheating methods as universities around New Zealand are cracking down on scamming students. Academic misconduct includes a number of methods, such as writing notes on body parts, calculators, pencil cases and drink bottles, and copying off other students. However, data aren’t measured in the same way. Dr Alistair Shaw, Executive Director of the New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations, thinks that universities’ differences in counts

arise from how they catch cheating students. “The diversity in reported numbers between the institutions clearly indicates that institutions are capturing the data quite differently from one another, so the comparisons are meaningless,” he said. Shaw also believes that punishments for academic misconduct are disproportionate between universities. “The most shocking part of the story: the report that at the University of Canterbury a student was sentenced to community service, and another ordered to do eight hours unpaid labour, where[as] at the University of Auckland a student was fined $250, where such fines can reportedly extend to $750.” One Victoria University student who wishes to remain nameless remarked to Salient on how easy it was to get away with cheating during

◄ ◄ • 7 • ►►

existing student rates don’t apply to the majority of people who are students. The Weltec Students’ Association and the Wellington and Hutt City Youth Councils also made presentations at the forum, all in favor of cheaper fares for students. VUWSA President Rory McCourt and Wellbeing and Sustainability Officer Rick Zwaan presented on behalf of Massey and Victoria University Students’ Associations, and the Fairer Fares for Tertiary Students campaign. McCourt said that it was easy for Mr Glensor to assume that most part-time students are earning civil servants' wages, but the reality was that many students are not full-time because they cannot afford the costs—such as public transport— associated with study. They also argued that fares needed to be cheaper for students to make Wellington a place where students want to live, and that as students are a “captive market” for public transport, cheaper fares are needed for equity McCourt also says that momentum for the campaign is growing, with five Greater Wellington councillors supporting the campaign, and plans to promote cheaper fares to the remaining eight councillors and communities around Wellington. The Fairer Fares campaign will be officially launched on April 10.

tests and exams. "In first-year Geology I used my calculator to store notes for some tests. They never made us clear the calculator memories so all the stuff we had to memorise was right there. It's so easy and I've never been caught." Another student at Victoria admitted to academic misconduct via the VUW Confessions Facebook page. “Me and my friends have learnt morse code to tap help to each other for our exam next week,” the confession read. Cheating in an exam can under Victoria University’s academic misconduct statute, result in a student failing a course and even being excluded from study. Last week in the Indian state of Bihar, over 1600 of the 1.3 million students sitting state exams were expelled for cheating, with more than 100 parents detained for helping the students cheat. Students accused of academic misconduct can use VUWSA’s free advocacy service, reachable on (04) 463 6984, 021 045 6214, or at advocate@vuwsa.org.nz.

♦ NEWS ♦

AD-HD Universities hyperactive with spending Chris McIntyre

Last week, Salient covered the release of data on the advertising spending of New Zealand universities for 2012. This week, we break down the figures. The data, compiled by ACNielsen for the New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations, shows variations in universities’ approaches to advertising spending. Lincoln University spent the highest amount per student on advertising by an overwhelming margin, with Auckland—New Zealand's largest university—spending the least.

Canterbury also spent a large amount of advertising compared to its student roll. Canterbury ran a $67 million deficit last year, with Lincoln expected to post a deficit later this year. Though Victoria ranked highly on its comparable total spend, its per-student spend was close to mean and median values. Spending on television, outdoor, and newspaper advertising was higher than the national average. Last week, VUWSA President Rory McCourt raised concerns around Victoria’s spend, given that Victoria continues to spend large volumes

despite consistently reaching its cap for students. “These are dollars which could have been going into providing tutes for 300-level courses, or even a cut in our fees,” he told Salient. Victoria has the equivalent of 16,871 full time students, and had a total spend of $2,870,521. There are 134,862 university students nationally, and universities’ total spend tallied $18,499,345.

Vic tried to recruit TOTAL SPEND BY UNIVERSITY

students with

4,000,000

38% spent on television advertising

3,200,000

23% spent on newspaper advertising

2,400,000

1,600,000

29% spent on outdoor 800,000

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advertising

With the money spent on University ads, you could have:

PER STUDENT SPEND BY UNIVERSITY

2 castlepoints per student,

600

per week of classes 450

300

14 more weekly student magazines

150

Au c

◄ ◄ • 8 • ►►

28% reduction on your student services levy

♦ NEWS ♦

Rub-a-dub-dub We’ve got Hub! Chris McIntyre

The University and VUWSA made it official last week, drawing alumni, foreign dignitaries, and the Governor General to the Campus Hub opening ceremony. The opening of the Hub saw speeches from Chancellor and Deputy Mayor Ian McKinnon, Vice-Chancellor Professor Pat Walsh, VUWSA Trustee Dr Alastair Shaw, VUWSA President Rory McCourt, and His Excellency, Lt Gen The Rt Hon Sir Jerry Mateparae, GovernorGeneral of New Zealand. Mateparae unveiled a plaque marking the occasion. McKinnon began by thanking students and staff for their tolerance during construction, recognising the frustration felt by students over the past two years. Dr Shaw noted the $12 million contribution from students through the VUWSA Trust, and the commitment from student representative bodies to the project since 1999. McCourt spoke proudly about the partnership between students and the University. “That partnership has seen over 100,000 students pass through our gates, has seen dozens of student representatives sit on the boards and committees […] and make sure this space is truly student-centred. “It has been that vision, that foresight, and those students and their funds, which has made this truly possible. But it’s also been about a University [which has] been prepared to listen,” said McCourt.

Walsh described the process as a “transformation,” recounting the history of the quad and describing the new building as providing “a sense of unity for the university community”. Walsh also confessed the building’s ‘Hub’ name had been adopted as they “couldn’t really think of anything else.” “I’m not sure whether we ever really will [think of a better name]. It really is the Hub,” said Walsh. To Governor-General Jerry Mateparae, it was a “special day” for an “amazing facility”. Mateparae congratulated everyone involved in what he described as the anchor of the Kelburn campus, mixing nautical metaphors as the gathered crowd overlooked the sculpture of Maui’s fish hook now installed in the Beaglehole courtyard. “I acknowledge and applaud the significant contribution of the Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association, and its Trust. “[The Hub] seems to be a comfortable place to meet friends or colleagues, definitely; to have lunch, probably; to buy a book, possibly; or to study, maybe,” quipped Mateparae. The current Hub redevelopment was the largest project in the University’s history, in both magnitudinal and financial terms. A time capsule has been buried underneath the courtyard to be opened in 2113, containing—among other things—old copies of Salient, maps, scientific equipment, a laptop

◄ ◄ • 9 • ►►

and a cellphone. Students have been using the Hub since February, with the new quad opening at the start of the first week of classes. The new VicBooks and café Hubside are fully operational, and students spoken to by Salient were happy with the new facilities and central Hub space. “The burgers are shit, though,” one student told Salient. The Campus Hub project was derailed when main contractor Mainzeal went into receivership in February. LT McGuinness have since been signed to finish the job, although no final completion date has been set. Despite the potential loss of millions postreceivership, Mainzeal employees were present at the ceremony. Salient suspects they left their complimentary afternoon tea unfinished.

♦ NEWS ♦

Shortage of ICT grads out of ctrl Blessed are the geeks Gus Mitchell

The New Zealand ICT sector will face an unexpected reboot in order to meet staff demands, as a shortage of ICT graduates has left many local employers scrambling to find graduate talent. With 1300 information and communicationstechnology vacancies listed online in Auckland alone, some companies are upping salaries to as much as $1500 a day. Average salary rates for ICT roles, which can range from hardware engineers to help desk operators to web designers, currently sit between $40,000 to $136,500 for permanent staff, with contract rates ranging from $14 to $160 an hour. Wellington-based web developer Ben Amor, currently employed at Trade Me, told Salient that the industry needs to “clearly define roles and offer clear progression.” "IT is not socks-and-sandals any more. It’s a young and creative industry. Continuing to get that message out there is important." Amor also says companies should hire the best of the bunch, even if they lack a degree in IT. "More established industries have well-defined career paths, but with IT, it’s much less like that. I’ve spoken with graduates who have no idea what career options there are beyond 'something in IT'." Will Browne, a Senior Lecturer at the School of

Engineering and Computer Science, says Victoria aims to attract students through outreach attempts, including visiting schools, holding open days and running competitions. “We let potential students know how awesome Engineering is as a subject,” said Browne. “Engineering at Vic is focused on the modern digital world.” Peter Kelly of Catalyst IT, an company with a focus on open-source technology, emphasises the analytical skills gained from further study. "Masterws and PhD students from many disciplines have quantitative skills, gained during the analysis phase of their research, which demonstrate they have what it takes to become computer programmers," said Kelly. According to the Roll of Graduates, Vwwictoria had one Master of Engineering graduate in 2011, and four in 2012. No Engineering Doctorates were awarded during this period. In Computer Science, 2011-12 saw one Masters graduate, and no Doctorates. To recruit hopeful tech enthusiasts, Catalyst will run their annual Open Source Academy in January 2014, while Trade Me actively participates in the Summer of Tech internship programme. Go to catalyst.net.nz/academy or summeroftech.co.nz for details.

nine out of ten international students agree High satisfaction with New Zealand tertiary institutions reported Grace Tong

A recent survey from the International Graduate Insight Group shows international students have high levels of satisfaction with tertiary education in New Zealand. The survey assessed three areas: learning experiences, living experiences and support services. Learning experience was considered “the strongest influence on student satisfaction” with 89 per cent of students either satisfied or very satisfied. Academic staff and facilities were rated highly. Nat Tan, a second-year international student from Malaysia agreed. She found tutors and lecturers approachable. “They’ve made it very clear that you can approach them, but I find this different for, say, my Malaysian friends who just don’t speak English that well,” said Tan. The living experience section showed that students felt a strong “sense of safety” and enjoyed the opportunities to make friends from other countries and experience New Zealand’s culture. Areas of dissatisfaction were the costs of living and

accommodation, along with the lack of opportunities to earn money or receive financial support. Students were satisfied with support services, but dissatisfaction was felt with halls of residence and campus eating places. Universities’ accounts/ financial departments and careers advisory services were also rated poorly. Tan was satisfied with support services. “I do wish there were more scholarships and more financial avenues open to international students, but I guess it’s the same as Kiwi students: they don’t get very much either.” Immigration New Zealand has created a new website called NZ Study+Work to inform students of their rights and rules regarding working on a student visa. Tan doesn’t believe this will help as most students know the rules but don’t follow them. “They choose to disregard them because they need the money because living costs are so high.” The Immigration New Zealand NZ Study + Work website can be found at nzstudywork. immigration.govt.nz. ◄ ◄ • 10 • ►►

Moans, groans, loans, and phones Missing ‘Link frustrating students Earl Kavinta

“Welcome to StudyLink” is not what most students felt when they contacted Studylink this summer, with 41 per cent of calls going unanswered in the past five months. This represents 296,000 calls to the centre. StudyLink phone lines have received over 426,000 calls from students about loans, allowances and living costs. The beginning of the University year is StudyLink’s busiest time, with over 310,000 applications requiring processing. This year, StudyLink employed an extra 330 staff to ease the situation, which has improved on last year’s count of 402,000 unanswered calls by 26 per cent. Students have been left frustrated, with some unable to pay rent, purchase course requirements, or being removed from their courses. Salient spoke to a third-year Digital Media Design student, whose timetabling had suffered as a result of StudyLink’s phone woes. “I sorted my timetable out early; it was perfect and everything was sussed, but StudyLink didn’t pay my loans in time, so some papers I can’t do till next trimester, and for the others I got the worst time slots,” said the student. VUWSA President Rory McCourt lamented the disruption caused to students’ years and schedules. "What we're finding is [that] students who are out of luck with StudyLink coming through with their allowance or student living costs, they're facing choices like spending nights at the Night Shelter, desperately hunting for flats—but it’s very hard to get into a flat when you can't front up with the cash,” said McCourt. Head of StudyLink Susan Kosmala has assured students that StudyLink is addressing the problems. “That’s not the service we are aiming to provide. We are continuing to make improvements to answer as many calls as we can,” she said. McCourt blamed underfunding, and placed the onus on the Government to improve StudyLink’s services. “StudyLink is doing their best but the Government needs to acknowledge that this is a problem year in and year out, and it needs more resourcing,” said McCourt. New Zealanders owe $13 billion under the student loan scheme managed by StudyLink, a figure which increases by $1 billion annually.

♦ NEWS ♦

VUWSA orders Hördur-ves Icelandic activist speaks to students about forking Government Lydia Nobbs

Hördur Torfason, the initiator of Iceland’s ‘Cutlery Revolution’, was hosted by VUWSA to speak on his role leading the economic and political upheaval of the small Scandinavian nation. Iceland has seen a government resign, an economy reformed, and a constitution redrafted by citizens using online and other non-partisan forms of crowd-sourcing. The veteran social change-maker addressed a packed audience of students and non-students in the Student Union Building last Wednesday. The former troubadour and thespian told the assembled audience of about 100 people that what started as a one-man protest in the fallout of the 2008 global financial crisis led to gatherings of thousands outside Iceland’s parliament. For months, these protests were

weekly events, through the midst of a subarctic winter, and with a national population smaller than the greater Wellington region. Dubbed the Cutlery Revolution because the protesters banged on all manner of kitchenware, Torfason was careful to point out that their demonstrations were always nonviolent. Torfason described how the protests became the catalysts for the Government’s resignation in early 2009, the nationalisation of the banking sector, and the instigation of a civilian-led redrafting of the constitution. Despite the breadth of reform, Torfason spoke of the local and international media vacuum about the protests. A young Icelandic woman in the audience confirmed this, surprised at not having heard about the revolution while living in Reykjavik.

“There’s just been nothing—silence,” she said. Although the talk promised to provide alternatives to austerity, Torfason made no comment on how his strategies might apply to the New Zealand situation, or on increasing democratic engagement with constitutional arrangements. The Government-appointed Constitutional Advisory Panel is currently reviewing New Zealand’s constitution. Instead, his lesson appeared to lie in individuals standing up to lead their own movements for change, and then inspiring others to do the same. Several times, he repeated his mantra: “It’s about when ‘I’ becomes ‘Us’.” Torfason holds something of a hero status to those interested in political change. Salient spoke to one student who described it as a “once in a lifetime talk”, and another who used the phrase “eyeopening”, Both agreed that it was important to learn about a situation they had never heard of before. The democracy activist is currently touring the world, promoting ‘active democracy’. Funding for his New Zealand trip came from online crowd-sourcing platform, Pledgeme.

Poster Kids Scholars MS-Paint the town Bing Lou

An exhibition of students’ research has been on display in the Campus Hub, showing the results of the Summer Scholar research scheme. Over the past two summers, around 600 students have been granted scholarships in a range of schools and faculties to help with their research projects. Students are supervised by a lead researcher during their scholarship. Summer Scholars were encouraged to enter the Victoria Summer Gold Poster Competition, by submitting a poster reflecting their work and experience. Subjects ranged from the Christchurch earthquake, to cyberbullying and 3D printing. The best overall poster will be awarded $2000, with $500 rewards for another three categories. The posters are being displayed in the Hub until Monday 25 March, and will be moved to the Alan MacDiarmid Foyer until the awards night on April 10.

◄ ◄ • 11 • ►►

♦ NEWS ♦

Kenny survives firing squad Uni doesn’t care what caretaker takes Sophie Boot

Victoria University has this week defended its decision not to fire Arana Kenny, despite the caretaker last week pleading guilty to stealing a student’s phone. Kenny’s behaviour breached Staff Conduct Policy sections 4.7.9(j), bringing the University's reputation into disrepute, and 4.7.9(n), dishonesty including theft. The guilty plea has not changed the University’s mind. “The University stands by its decision not to terminate the staff member’s employment. “The University takes this issue very seriously. Employment matters are dealt with on a caseby-case basis, and we must consider a variety of

factors in each case,” said the spokesperson. Chris Cherry, the victim of the theft, withdrew from his PhD program and no longer holds his tutoring position following the University’s inaction on the matter. On his blog he stated that he could not use the campus after the theft, citing personal safety. “The only solution the University could come up with was for me not to use the campus, so I feel that I have no other option.” The University gave no response to Salient’s question asking how they plan to ensure that Kenny does not reoffend. Kenny intends to apply for a discharge without conviction at a sentencing hearing next month.

stay classy, world Obama made his first presidential visit to Israel last week amid cheers and yahoos, one of which was current Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu. In another victory for liberty and scared white men, the proposed US ban on assault weapons failed in the Senate last week as it was dropped from reforms. Common sense could not be reached for comment. Chemical weapons have reportedly been used in Syria for the first time in the two-year conflict. Were foreign forces to lend their Mr Muscles and give a Handy Andy to rebels, the conflict could be over in a Jif-fy, as Syria is a sitting Duck. Cyprus continue to hip and hop over the conditions of their €10 billion bailout, courtesy of the European Union. The Mediterranean nation is ‘Insane in the Brain’, according to the EU who have threatened to cut off all financial help if consensus isn’t reached soon.

LOL NEWS CHROFLIS MCLOLNTYRE DULUX ANTIQUE WHITE SAVIOUR GLOSS ENAMEL In an exciting and important update to an archived LOL News item (HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT: Christ’s image appears in bird shit; Issue 1, pg 13), the Son of God appeared in the drop cloth of a Massachusetts painter last week. Brian Krantz dirtied the drop-cloth after spray-painting shutters, but did not recognise the Saviour for four years. Yahweh, a “jealous God” (Exodus 34:14), is expected to smite Krantz accordingly for his negligent attention.

IF YOU CAN’T BEAM ‘EM, SHIRT ‘EM. A mother who tried to send her kids to school wearing T-shirts saying “bully” and “thief ” was stopped by the school, located in Fort Morgan, Colorado. The woman had “run out of options” to curb her children’s bad behaviour, and saw the shirts as the answer to her own poor parenting. Both of the children, aged eight and nine, were made fun of by their classmates. The children’s father could not be reached for comment.

A governing body has released a report on practices endemic in the industry which it governs. “We’ve seen a lot of this in recent months, are are taking action accordingly,” said the spokesperson.

headlines that weren't Dyslexic TV watchers still disappointed with Steven Sharp First-year laments choice to not buy leavers’ jersey after seeing cool kids on campus.

YOU DON’T SEA THIS EVERY DAY Self-described “cat person” not actually half-cat half-person, pedant discovers

Motorists in Balneário Camboriú, Brazil, were given a shock recently as a sea lion used a road crossing at a busy inner-city intersection. Sea lions weigh up to a ton, and can reach nine metres in length. The confused creature was led back to the ocean, and was presumably very late for dinner. Salient draws (cute) parallels to the cat who uses the zebra crossing on Salamanca Rd, near the Cable Car.

Cyberwarfare escalates as China text-bombs Fortune 500 companies Broken pencil scandal “pointless”, observers say

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P O L I

left God defend New Zealand? By Carla Marks On Tuesday 5 March, you can be sure that an ever-growing proportion of New Zealanders ticked the “No Religion” box on their Census form. In 2011, one third of New Zealanders were not affiliated with any religion, and all indications show that this number is increasing. Good. Because God isn’t real, duh. However, many people don’t agree with this, and that makes things complicated. I hasten to point out that Buddha, Krishna and Allah aren’t real either, but, for the purposes of this column, “God” refers to the garden variety, grey-bearded saviour preferred by the majority of New Zealand and its Parliament. This focus on Christianity should, in theory, have a positive influence on the laws of New Zealand. After all, the main teachings of Jesus Christ advocate love, charity and kindness. “Kewl!” I might hear you exclaim as you get a free hot chocolate from Huge!, “This Jesus guy sounds grand!” However, the application of these teachings has been anything but consistent. The biggest proponents of Christianity in the House of Representatives all too often use a misguided sense of 'family values' to justify perpetuating social injustice while ignoring Jesus’ main focus of giving to the poor. Religious convictions should not be trotted out as a convenient excuse to halt progressive change; especially when those same beliefs are thrown to the wind to empower the free market to the detriment of the poor. "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven, " Matthew 19:21. “Ew gays,” Not Jesus, ever. In the last fortnight, this blurring of the line that should exist between religion and the making of laws was brought to the forefront in the marriage-equality debate. The fine National member for Hamilton West, Tim Macindoe commented during the second Reading debate that Parliament should “not be moving ahead of the churches”. Not only does Macindoe misinterpret Jesus’ main intent of lovin’ ya fellow man (not in an anal way), but also questions our position as a secular state. To suggest that Parliament should be constrained by the will of churches is to suggest that New Zealand should be a theocracy and is, frankly, unacceptable for a lawmaker. Of course, Macindoe isn’t alone in his blurring the lines of secularity. Whenever our MPs take their seats in the debating chamber there is a prayer, blessing the House and acknowledging the need for “Almighty God[’s] … guidance in all things”. A survey of MPs in 2007 revealed that a significant majority preferred to keep the prayer, which is hardly symptomatic of a secular state. Our national anthem seeks defence, not from tanks and bombs, but how the magic man in the sky. In a country where we not only separate religion from government, but where over one million of us have no religious belief isn’t this a problem? Should the census reveal that we are an even less holy nation than expected, calls for the removal of these religion remnants should be forthcoming. As for Macindoe and his religiously inclined colleagues? Let us pray that God can give them a helping hand in the ballot box.

Notes from the fourth estate: Political Belief By Hilary & Barry

They say you can never trust a politician, and, true to form, just in time for Salient’s Belief issue, we spent the week wondering whether we could believe our friends down at the Beehive.

under fire last year when a $50,000 donation from Kim Dotcom and helicopter ride ‘slipped his mind’, gleefully leaped on the chance to label Shearer a “rampant hypocrite” if he didn’t resign. We're guessing that Banks' own resignation letter has been forgottem somewhere in the Parliamentary mail system.

Noticeably quiet during the affair has been John Key, who has had his fair share of foggy memory in the past. Consistently ranked amongst the Key commented only that Shearer’s least-trusted professions, it seems oversight had been “unfortunate”, but that conveniently ‘forgetting’ about that everyone could make mistakes. certain expenditures on Ministerial Perhaps, unlike Banks, this incident credit cards or being ‘unable to recall’ was an all-too-real reminder for certain meetings Key, who in 2010 Despite declaring the with wealthy was accused donors are simply income for tax purposes, of covering part and parcel of Shearer hasn’t managed up conflicts of being a politician. interest relating to maintain the same to property in the Last week it was “blind” trust he Labour leader clarity when it comes uses to manage his David Shearer $50 million assets. to Parliament. who was the latest victim of this amnesia, when it A blind trust is where details of the was discovered that he had failed to contents and value of the trust are disclose the existence of an overseas kept secret from the beneficiaries of bank account worth a modest the trust, and are used by MPs as a $50,000-plus. Despite declaring the way of avoiding conflicts of interest income for tax purposes, Shearer that may be otherwise be tied up with hasn’t managed to maintain the same the property they own. Shortly after clarity when it comes to Parliament. his election as Prime Minister in 2008, In an attempt to increase public Key transferred shares in a vineyard trust and belief in politicians, since to the blind trust; the following 2005 all MPs have been required to Christmas gifted 240 bottles of JK declare all assets and income for the PM’s Pinot; went on the record saying Parliamentary Register of Pecuniary he owned shares in a vineyard, but Interests. then in 2010 Key claimed that he was completely oblivious to the contents Delighted that the chronic case of of the trust. Curiouser and curiouser... amnesia had finally been caught by someone else, ACT’s sole MP John At least there’s one truth we can Banks was one of the loudest voices believe in: you can never trust a in the shaming of Shearer and his politician. “genuine oversight”. Banks, who came

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T I C S

RIGHT Collective Amnesia By Freddie Hayek Sometimes you have to wonder what is in the water at Parliament. Over the past few years there has been a spectacular breakdown in the cognitive prowess of our members of Parliament. Whether it is what Labour call a “brain fade” or just plain old amnesia, MPs seem to forget things with alarming regularity.

caption me!

To show I am fair, before I rip savagely into David Shearer I should perhaps cite some examples from the right. The Prime Minister has, since the last election, been accused of knowing that the Government Communications and Security Bureau (GCSB) was spying on Kim Dotcom. This is illegal, as the GCSB cannot by law spy on Residents or Citizens. Kim Dotcom was a Resident at the time.

Send us your best caption for this picture to editor@salient.org.nz, subject line: 'Caption Contest', by 5pm Thursday for your chance to win a free coffee.

shit politicians say

LAST WEEK'S WINNER

"...and here comes the second plane!" - President Barack Obama recounting the events of Sept 11th, 2001 WINNER: Eleanor Wright contact editor@salient.org. nz to claim your prize!

Then there is the Member for Epsom, John Archibald Banks. Banks claims to have never met Dotcom, despite the fact Dotcom paid for a huge fireworks display while Banks was still Mayor of Auckland and donated to Banksie’s failed attempt to become the first Super-city Mayor of an amalgamated Auckland Council. Amnesia may be a common device in soaps like Shortland Street, but coming from a guy who can remember speeches given by Sir Robert Muldoon in 1983, saying “I don’t recall” just does not cut the mustard. Now we turn to David Shearer. Mr Shearer, since winning the Labour leadership purely due not to who he is, but to who he isn’t (David Cunliffe) has lurched from disaster to clusterfuck. The past six months Amnesia may be a in Parliament have common device in soaps been dominated by the like Shortland Street Opposition launching coordinated attacks led but coming from a guy by Shearer and Labour who can remember on the Prime Minister’s speeches given by Sir integrity. On occasion, Robert Muldoon in 1983, they have used four or saying “I don’t recall” five questions out of just does not cut the the 12 asked during Question Time, all on mustard. the same issue of the Prime Minister’s integrity and forgetfulness. What he did and did not know about Kim Dotcom has become a political football. Then Mr Shearer blew his own foot clear off. Earlier this week, David Shearer updated his entry in the Register of Pecuniary Interests, which as the title suggests, discloses MPs commercial and financial interests. He just casually added that he has an American bank account from his time working for the UN with more than $50,000 in it! For someone seeking the high office of Prime Minister, to not be able to manage his own financial affairs is a serious blow to Mr Shearer’s credibility. Why would anyone ever vote Labour under Mr Shearer? I forget….

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~  CAMPUS DIGEST  ~

CAMPUS DIGEST our story? history Do we really have it better these days, or are the Golden Years well behind us? Find out what life used to be like at Victoria’s Stout Research Centre, which will be opening its doors for a seminar series on public history. Historians working on a variety of projects will contribute to the debates, which take place every Wednesday, starting at 4.10pm in the Stout Research Centre located at 12 Wai-te-ata Road, Kelburn. More information on the events can be found at www.victoria.ac.nz/stoutcentre/about/events. 27 March: “Samuel Austin: Ulsterman, Soldier, Settler” by Barbara Mabbett. 10 April: “From Wars to Window Dressing” by Julia Millen. 1 May: “Relationship Status: Engaged” by Kristelle Plimmer. 8 May: “Capturing the spirit of Community” by Marina Sciascia. 9 May (Thurs): Rod Edmond. 15 May: “The Lives of Others” by Anna Cottrell. 22 May: “History online: better than a book?” by Ben Schrader. 29 May: “Bridging the gap - historians and the community,” by Jock Phillips. The Te Ara, Encyclopedia of New Zealand general editor will bring series to a close, summing up the state of public history in New Zealand.

a public affair Want to make friends and influence

an apple a day

people? You heard it here first: there’s nothing sexier than a sound understanding of Public Law. School yourself thanks to Victoria’s Centre for Public Law, who will be hosting a series of debates from April through May about issues raised in the Government’s Constitutional Review. Supported by the New Zealand Law Foundation and broadcasted on Radio New Zealand National, the debates will be moderated by VUW Law lecturer Steven Price, and take place every Monday starting at 6.30pm. 8 April: “What’s the problem?” Speakers: Prof. Bruce Harris, Moana Jackson, Dame Claudia Orange, Dr Matthew Palmer. Hunter Council Chamber, Kelburn Campus. 15 April: “Reforming our democratic institutions” Speakers: Dr maria Bargh, Colin James, Professor Elizabeth McLeay, Sir Geoffrey Palmer QC. Hunter Council Chamber. 22 April: “Māori aspirations for constitutional change” Speakers: Tai Ahu, Dr Rawinia Higgins, Veronica Tawhai, Valmaine Toki. Te Herenga Waka Marae, VUW Kelburn Campus. 29 April: “Human rights in the constitution” Speakers: Prof. Andrew Geddis, Jack Hodder QC, Stephen Whittington, Prof. Margaret Wilson. Hunter Council Chamber. 6 May: “Time to be a Republic?” Speakers: Jim Bolger, Prof. Janet McLean, Michael Mabbitt. Hunter Council Chamber.

ask the magic 8 ball

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GOING UP The gestation of fetuses named ‘Francis’ Ritalin prescriptions Game of Thrones anticipation

GOING DOWN Printing-related breakdowns in the library CNN Our pop idols Youth payrate

Will I get through to Studylink this week? MY SOURCES SAY NO

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~  CAMPUS DIGEST  ~

Getting

amongst " the best" Hairdresser asks student health employee "How is everything going up at Vic?" Student Health employee replies "I've never seen so many cases of Gonorrhoea in my life!" Overheard outside VicBooks. Femake student to friend: “When I was at Massey, I was once six weeks late with an essay. So I phoned them up and told them I’d been in jail, and they believed me!!” Overheard @ Vic: Chloe Kincaid Overseen @ Pip: a girl sketching her engagement ring. Watch out for that one boys! Cameron Cederholm Overheard in Te Aro common room right now "Apparently sneans are going to be cool again this year" 1) When were sneans ever cool? 2) Just no Overheard in the reading room Girl 1: People should stop going to town once they're like 30. Girl 2: Nah, I think more like 25. Girl 1: Yea, like don't go there unless you have, like, a reason. Rosemary Coppell Overheard on Overbridge: Male Student - 'Would you quit sympathetically patting my A-cups?' Alice Lawn Overheard in the hub: "I can't believe how hard it is to do washing." VUW cupid: #527 To the cute as Sri Lankan looking guy doing architecture, I'd love for you to design our bedroom! So glad I see you often. Look around, I'll be staring at your beautiful face. #520 Dear VUWSA Well being and Sustainability Officer. Your title should probably be "Sustainably Sexy and Well fit Officer". In response to your salient column: I'd take a shower with you any day, and cheap public transport may do a lot to prevent global warming, but it sure gets me hot. #518 Liana Mua. At first I thought you were a bitch. But when I actually talked to you I realised that you're just a misunderstood mexican with a nice ass. Marry me. #504 To Willow Walsh from my hall, Your voluptuous titay give me a semi. That is all.

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 FEATURES 

God of Nations: At Our Feet? Religion! It’s a tricky thing sometimes, isn’t it? Especially when it comes to politics. Despite trends in the other direction, religious people in New Zealand are numerous enough to make excluding their beliefs from politics entirely an absurd suggestion. The separation of church and state makes absolute sense—expecting people to leave their faith out of the political equation, however, is absurd. How, then, do the two interact today? Patrick Hunn

For the past few decades, the number of New Zealanders who consider themselves irreligious has increased remarkably. In this year’s census, the number of Christian respondents is predicted to drop below 50 per cent for the first time since the figures have been collected. It might not happen, but that’s hardly the important thing. In the 2006 census, the number of respondents who declared themselves as having no religion stood at 34.7 per cent, having risen from 29 per cent in 2001. The 2011 census was cancelled due to the Christchurch earthquake, which could mean that those figures could leap more dramatically this time around. But, while Christianity is in no way the defining characteristic of contemporary New Zealand, it is still an important part of our past and, indeed, our present. The set of moral laws and other social guidelines that we are encouraged to follow in our daily lives owes much to Protestant values, which in turn owes much to a hundred other things. That’s the way history works. Religion is a distasteful thing to quite a

few people, especially in a country where religion’s claim to mainstream relevance is increasingly less tenable (although still very robust). When it’s brought into politics, those people tend to get very upset. Louisa Walls Marriage (Definition of Marriage) Amendment Bill, an emotive subject for many of the religious for a variety of reasons, passed its Second Reading recently, and several MPs either voted against it or abstained on religious grounds. Religion and politics are the uneasiest of marriages, and in many countries, they are divorced more or less entirely. In others they are inseparable. Most Western countries have long since cleaved the two apart and New Zealand is part of that tradition. That said, in many ways a religious conviction is not terribly different from an ideological one and occasionally the two rub up on each other. Although perhaps it shouldn’t have been, what has been surprising about New Zealand’s journey towards gay marriage so far has been how polite and sensibly conducted the political debate has been.

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Mostly. This is a far cry from the dogmatic wailing that was a feature of the debate around the 1986 Homosexual Law Reform Bill. The scenes that were seen then are the sort that we imagine these days might happen on the streets of Tehran or Kampala, not Wellington. MP Norman Jones, who admittedly was something of an eccentric, advised a crowd that it would not be advisable to “gaze upon them [homosexuals]... you're looking into Hades... don't look too long—you might catch AIDS”, and although that sounds dreadfully exciting, it should not be taken as accurate medical advice (one hopes). Christian parties have in the past tried to have a go at mainstream politics, with limited success. When the Destiny Church, for instance, announced that they were planning a foray into politics, and that Brian Tamaki was entirely confident that they would rule New Zealand by 2008, the responses ranged from either polite giggles or outright mockery. These days, direct religious participation in the legislative

 FEATURES 

process is often kept to the fringes, or from members of more mainstream parties How, then, do those politicians, many of whom are devout Christians, manage the miasma of negativity that surrounds certain elements of their faith? MP for Whanganui, Chester Borrows, said in his speech at the Marriage Equality vote that he was disheartened by some of the submissions received from the religious community. “I would call myself a committed and conservative Christian and… I become very concerned when others that carry the same label speak out in what I think are very harsh ways that don’t reflect the Christian faith. Obviously not all Christians view their faith in the same way… or express it in the same way so we aren’t always going to have the same views… our Christian faith calls us to exhibit an… unconditional love. When I see hatred and vitriol expressed as part of someone’s expression of their Christian faith, I find that abhorrent.” Borrows is a practising Presbyterian and a lay preacher in his local community. Does he ever feel a tension with his role as an MP? “Well, I do manage the way I speak about my own faith because Christians get a lot of bad press. If you look at the way that some leading politicians have expressed their Christian faith and… how they might apply it to their work as a politician they’ve been absolutely castigated by the media, and ridiculed by the media. And so I’m very careful about drawing fire from the media because of that faith.” Tim Macindoe, MP for Hamilton West, who voted against the Marriage Equality Bill because of his religious convictions, feels similarly: “I'd rather be voted out for having a values base and the courage of my convictions than be re-elected many times by always trying to read which way the wind is blowing.” He also points out that “Christians don't all think alike, and I don't pretend for one moment to be a Biblical scholar or a model for others to follow.”

While religion might be on the slide, should that have any bearing on the way elected officials behave? Do we ask of all our elected officials that they abandon their faith upon taking office? Borrows offers that “…a person who is genuinely a Christian can’t then divorce themselves from their faith in respect of their work, so if you’re a plumber, a drainlayer, a taxi driver, a policeman, a lawyer or a politician, should their faith impact on their job? Yes it should.”

that will come before me. If they want an MP who is never going to apply their own faith or beliefs to conscience issues which come before them, they should vote for someone else.” Borrows adds that, with that in mind, MPs should be consistent and predictable, and that their performance as a representative should reflect the person who campaigned for votes—“Having expressed a faith, if I didn't stack up as a Christian, I wouldn't stack up as an MP.” However rigid, there is something to that logic.

"a religious conviction is

Macindoe, who received a wide range of ‘colourful’ responses to his decision at the vote, understands that disagreement is part of the game and was “glad we don't all think alike and that people are following the issues and are free to express their views,” and that “I just try to ensure that I search my faith and my conscience when I have to consider some of the more personal issues that MPs have to consider.”

not terribly different from an ideological one and

occasionally the two rub up on each other." While that is a sensible way of considering the matter, the duties of an elected representative should be first and foremost to those constituents who put them in power. Is an MP who regards their religion as something to be conferred with when making decisions bound to that rather than to the people they serve? Borrows doesn’t think so. “I think that all MPs applying themselves to the question under consideration have a duty to be who they are. If that MP happens to have a faith, no matter what that religion might be, or happens to be agnostic, or happens to be an atheist, then they should apply themselves as who they are. In my case, I am a man of faith… I think my duty as a Member of Parliament is to say ‘this is who I am’. Someone who is considering me as a candidate in the Whanganui seat, or is considering me as a candidate in the National Party should know who I am.” And who is he? “It’s no secret that I am an ex-policeman, an ex-lawyer, a father of three kids, I live in the electorate, I enjoy the outdoors, I’m a regular church attender and I’m a lay preacher.” With that in mind, “they should get some sort of some sort of perspective on how I will be voting on issues

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The rub for some people is probably that this mind-set sounds a little inflexible – as if an individual’s autonomy is robbed by adherence to religious teaching. If New Zealand is increasingly irreligious then surely giving religious belief as a reason for a political decision isn’t as valid as it was 50 years ago? This isn’t necessarily the point. As Macindoe puts it, “I have no difficulty seeing good in my opponents or merit in their arguments even though I sometimes strongly disagree with them. After all, one day I might decide they were right and I was wrong!” In other words, we vote for people, and it might be a bit disingenuous to be horrified when they, you know, turn out to actually be people. Then again, if we stick to the issue of Marriage Equality, there is something about these arguments that is infinitely unsatisfying for those on the other side of the divide, and it is hard to imagine it ever being otherwise. When does religion become so inflexible that it prevents process? It’s rather hard to say, and in another ten years this might be an altogether different discussion.

 FEATURES 

THE SALIENT COMPENDIUM OF WORLD RELIGIONS Getting the lowdown so you can get to grips with the Man up high. You’ve got to be safe out there in the dangerous world of ideas. Your beliefs have the terrifying power to shape you and who you become. What’s peculiar about that special category of belief we call religion is that, even though there are so many options open to us, most of our own beliefs are inherited from our friends or family. But we here at Salient believe that you are an immensely intelligent rational being capable of discerning the truth all by yourself. So for that reason, we proudly present to you the definitive Salient guide to the major religions of the world. Godspeed. Note: There are way more than four religions in the world. The religions presented here were chosen on the basis of popularity. By Ollie Neas

Christianity Founded:  1st Century CE, somewhere around Palestine. Popularity:  Followers globally: ○ 2.2 billion (33% of world population).  Followers in NZ: ○ 2 million (53% of NZ population). Number of gods:  One. Advice:  Believe.  Be good—so that you can go to Heaven, and because it’s only fair considering the man who made you sent His one and only Son down to Earth to be murdered on your behalf. The Ten Commandments will guide you in this task.  Worship God. You can do this at Church or at home. But how do we know?

Islam Founded:  622 CE, Saudi Arabia. Popularity:  Followers globally: ○ 1.5 billion (22%).  Followers in NZ: ○ 36,000 (1%). Number of gods:  One. Advice:  Believe.  Pray several times daily (perhaps in a mosque),

 A series of two books known as the Bible—the latter of which is the more popular sequel to the original Jewish version—is considered to be the Word of God, although Christians argue as to how literally we should interpret it. Flavours:  Catholicism, Protestantism (includes Pentecostalism, Methodism, Anglicanism, Anabaptism and more), Orthodox. Core beliefs: There is an all-loving, all-seeing and all-powerful God, who exists everywhere and in everything. He created the universe and everything in it over a period of seven days— although it’s unclear as to whether we’re meant to take that "day" part literally. God’s favourite creations are human beings—that’s us! Us humans are special in that we have souls. These are special parts of ourselves that allow us to make our own decisions, are separate from the laws of the physical universe, and are eternal. Unfortunately, the freedom that God gave us turned out to be a problem. Quite quickly, we figured

we could use it to sin—that is, to do bad things, in common parlance—and it turns out that bad things are something we love to do. The first person to sin was Eve, the world’s first lady. Eve ate a delicious-looking apple against the wishes of God at the request of a talking snake in a garden called Eden. This was Very Bad. Since then, all of humankind has been condemned to a life of sin. Sinning is a problem not only because it tends to harm others, but because it has bad consequences for ourselves—and I mean really bad. It turns out that, in addition to this world we live in, there exists a place called Hell, which is far worse than Palmerston North. And if you sin too much, you go there for ever and ever and ever. Luckily, there’s a flip-side called Heaven, which is Very Good. To help us get there, God devised a benevolent plan. Around 2000 years ago, He sent down to Earth His one and only Son—a Jewish man named Jesus—to die for our sins. Jesus was a great dude, but the Romans crucified him, and so those of us who are faithful were absolved of our sins. Whoo!

fast during Ramadan, do acts of charity and make a pilgrimage to Mecca at least once.

truth in the holy cob of the Bible, but, quite importantly, Jesus was not actually the son of Allah.

But how to we know?:  The Qur'an. This is the literal word of God. A quasisequel called the Hadith is also useful. The Hadith chronicles the life and sayings of Muhammad.

The most important guy is a camel-driver turned prophet called Muhammad (see picture below)*. One day, an angel called Gabriel came down to Earth and reveal to Muhammad while he was loitering in a cave the true and literal word of Allah. This contained a few twists—in contrast to the Judeo-Christian view of original sin, humans are actually born Good, but just tend to turn out imperfect. The purpose of our lives then is submission to the will of God through a rigid regime of prayer, fasting and pilgrimage. After this revelation, Muhammad devoted his life to telling the world—often through military might.

Flavours:  Sunni, Shi’ite. Core beliefs: Islam starts where Christianity left off. The abundant paradise of Heaven and the eternal agony of Hell both exist, and so too does the God that the Jews and Christians are on about—except he’s actually called Allah, and the Jews and Christians keep misunderstanding Him. So there’s the odd kernel of

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Hinduism Founded:  It’s unclear, but it’s older than the others, and from somewhere in the Indus Valley, India. Popularity:  Followers globally: ○ 1 billion (14%).  Followers in NZ: ○ 64,000 (1.7%). Number of gods:  Kind of one, but kind of many. Advice:  Get ascetic and detach yourself from the material world so as to gaze upon the reflections of Brahmanic perfection in your Atman.  Live according to dharma. This is the universal power of morality which upholds the universe. Remember though, dharma demands different things from everyone. Slaughtering enemies in battle might be righteous if you’re a warrior, but not if you’re an infant.

Buddhism Founded:  Around 400 BCE in present-day Nepal. Popularity:  Followers globally: ○ 500 million (8%).  Followers in NZ: ○ 52,000 (1.4%). Number of gods:  0. Advice:  Meditate.  Do good deeds—build a golden pagoda if you have to. But how do we know?  Buddha told everyone about it when he was alive. Oral tradition tells us so.  You can find out yourself because Nirvana is attainable in this lifetime.

Atheism/ Agnosticism Founded:  N/A Popularity:  Followers globally: ○ 7%.  Followers in NZ: ○ 1.3 million (34%) . Number of gods:  0.

It’s this idea that allows the caste system to flourish.

more precisely—with a thing called our Ātman.

But how do we know?  The Vedas are your starting point. ‘Veda’ literally means ‘knowledge’, so you can’t really go wrong there. For further tips, look to texts like the Upanishads or the Gita.

Like the Judeo-Christian idea of a soul, an Ātman is eternal, separate from the material universe, and absolutely essential. Some see Atman as servants of Brahman. Others see Ātman as actually being Brahman. Because they’re eternal, they tend to reincarnate, popping in and out of the material world in various forms, over and over again—just like in Buddhism. Remember the karma stuff from Buddhism? Well that’s true too; in fact, the Hindus thought of it first. And it’s this that determines our future. If you’re looking for proper gods, then don’t worry: Hinduism has plenty. The key deities are Brahma, who creates the world, Vishnu, who preserves it, and Shiva, who destroys it—the bastard. Fortunately though, when Shiva does destroy the world, Brahma will bring it back again.

Flavours:  Vaishnavism, Shaivism, Shaktism, Smartism. Core beliefs: To start with, imagine life, the universe, and everything. Then imagine something more, which upholds and supports absolutely everything: it’s a transcendent power; it’s The Force; it’s Brahman. Brahman is not a god like the one in the Bible; it’s more like the special secret magic stuff that makes things tick. Brahman is the Supreme Reality, which obviously suggests that the dayto-day hustle and bustle called ‘life’ is an illusion. And it’s an illusion we’re terribly attached to. This is because of our egos, which desire things, become attached to things, and see themselves as separate from everything else. Luckily, we can get in touch with Brahman if only we get in touch with the true nature of ourselves, and—

Flavours:  Theravada, Mahayana, Vajrayana. Core beliefs: Life is suffering. Just think about it. All the time we want things, and no matter what we do, we keep wanting more. Wanting things has its merits, but the problem is that even if we get the thing we desire, any satisfaction we feel fades quickly, and a new desire arises in place of the old one. We’re always living in the future and thus never able to appreciate the present. Because of this, our lives are ultimately empty and unsatisfying. This is all made worse by the cycle of cause and effect which governs our lives—and our lives after this one. Yes, that’s right: not only is this life a real drag, but so are other lives which we’ve lived and will live after this one. And this is all because of a little thing called karma. Karma means that what goes around comes around, or, more precisely, that all our actions have moral consequences. It’s like the law of physical causation, except it’s about morality, not physics. Like all things non-physical, it is a little bit iffy. If we’re bad, bad things happen. But what about all those kind people that are

But how do we know?  There is a lack of compelling evidence for the existence of a God and a non-material soul. Advice:  It’s up to you, really. Although being nice is probably still a good idea. Flavours:  Intellectual, Dickhead, Melancholic. Core beliefs: Atheists believe that there is no God, and that when they die, nothing of their consciousness survives. Religion developed as a means of helping humans explain and understand the world around them, but

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The thing with Hinduism though, is that there’s no agreed set of teachings and no single scripture, so it’s really a collection of different belief systems. The benefit of this is that, aside from the key aspects, you can kind of make it up as you go along.

stricken with poverty and disease? And why are so many exceedingly rich people so cruel? This is all a result of their actions in past lives—so don’t worry, it’s just. To be fair though, because of the overwhelming desires that govern our lives, it’s likely that we’re not particularly saintly ourselves, so will probably be reborn next time as something less glamorous than a human—like a goat, an ant or an aardvark. We’re screwed. Or so we think... Fortunately, there’s a way out of this pickle—it’s called Nirvana. It turns out that in our ordinary lives when we go about suffering, we are actually caught in an illusion. The true nature of reality—real life—is not in the future or the past, but in the present moment. Right. Now. Nirvana is when we fully realise this truth, thereby freeing ourselves from the cycle of birth and rebirth, attaining a state of pure bliss. We know all this because of a prince who realised The Truth and so gave up material opulence to spread the word. He became known as the Buddha. It is by emulating him that we too can attain Nirvana.

thanks to Science, this is no longer necessary. While there are many Big Questions that science can’t answer, the existence of a God still seems pretty implausible. Believing in God might be comforting, but it is a myth, and comfort is a shoddy reason for believing in anything. Agnostics, in comparison, believe that they don’t really know what to believe and that it’s probably best not to make up your mind about the whole thing. Some do this so that they can ‘keep their options open’, although— let’s face it—if you’re trying to deceive an almighty creator into thinking you actually believed in him all along, then you’re hard outta luck. Others are agnostic because they are intellectually honest.

*Just kidding.

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The God Allusion

If you believe census data, religion is on the way out of New Zealand. More and more of us are forgetting our Jedi roots and ticking “no religion”, leaving centuries of precedent behind. But does “no religion” really mean “no belief”? Have we already replaced religion with pop culture? Will atheists finally shut up?

Henry Cooke As a non-believer who has never taken a Religious Studies paper, I generally see pre-modern religion as fulfilling three basic functions. The first, and most obvious, being the provision of a moral code; the second, an answer to life’s more perplexing questions; and the third, a means of forming and maintaining a community. All three of these functions still seem to appear in modern New Zealand culture, yet a predicted 40 per cent of the population will have ticked “no religion” on the recent census. However much Michael Laws whines, we still live in a pretty 'moral' society—violent crime is declining, and we donate to charity like there is no tomorrow—and most of us

seem to navigate life’s big questions without too much stress. In grander words: nothing is true; plenty isn’t permitted. Religion’s social function has obviously been replaced. Churches were once the centre of village life, the only regular social gathering many had. With most of us now living in cities, we don’t need as much of an excuse to visit each other, and modern labour laws ensure that Sunday isn’t our only day off. Sports culture and cafe culture do an excellent job of keeping people both together and apart. Modern pop culture provides us with the near-universal narratives religious texts once gave us, even if these narratives are in some ways informed by religion. We might not all watch Shortland Street every night, but

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most of us have seen The Lion King and thrashed My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. So the 'social-glue' function of religion has been replaced, but that’s only part of the story. Where do we now go for spiritual guidance, a moral code, and answers to life’s big questions? Well, not everyone is so confidentthat we have departed from religion. Victoria University’s Dr. Geoff Troughton, who teaches several Religious Studies papers—including the 200 level ‘Religion and Disenchantment’—doesn’t think that religion is departing our shores. Rather, it’s evolving. “It’s not as simple as saying we’ve moved past religion, but our ways of engaging with religion have changed.” While Troughton can definitely see that

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organised religion is not as prominent, he sees a more personal kind of religion everywhere. “We’re secular in the sense that saying you’re religious has become less common, [but] there’s all sorts of spiritual and religious beliefs that shape the way we live, even in a context where the space for religion is much more constrained.” Writing about post-modernity in a student magazine is a terrible habit to fall into, but it is kind of necessary here. In case you can’t pretend to know what post-modernism is yet, it essentially describes a range of cultural shifts from the 60's onwards, including a major swing away from grand narratives— the American Dream, the supremacy of liberal democracy, and, of course, Christianity. Troughton agrees that postmodernity has changed how we view religion. “There’s no doubt that we are much dubious of religious institutions, hierarchies and communities that seem to assert strong and exclusive grand narratives,” he explains, but this doesn’t take religion out of the picture, it simply results in a more “fragmented, pluralistic variety of belief.” Troughton sees religion in a huge variety of Western cultural practices, from everyday spirituality (“touch wood!”, “don’t jinx it!”) to the incorporation of other religion’s vocabulary (karma!), resulting in a kind of pluralistic pastiche of religious practices that is different for every person. “[These practices] provide meaning-making; they help people to negotiate the mysteries and risks of their own lives, and make sense of a world that isn’t all measurable.” He claims that many “secular” people pray, in their own different ways. “Only ten per cent of us are hardcore atheists,” he explains, citing a 2009 survey of New Zealander’s values, “90 percent of us believe in God or a life force or an impersonal being that is somehow involved in the way the universe operates.” But how respectful is this ‘pick and choose’ process? We appear to treat personal religion like a tumblr blog, grabbing the desirable and recontextualising it without permission. Take the concept of Karma, for example. Karma is lifted from Buddhism, and at

its most basic level tells us bad things will happen to bad people. Action’s can give us “good karma” or “bad karma”, and while traditionally bad karma would result in one’s resurrection as a less desirable being, we now just use it to explain the misfortune of those we dislike. Karma is much more believable than a heaven/hell, since it doesn’t require some kind of divine personality or concrete location—it’s just there, and barely feels religious. Plus, who doesn’t love people “getting what’s coming to

religion, despite existing within secular frameworks."Traditional religion still has an influence, but it’s often not through traditional sources, and it’s often not understood.” Yeah, a whole lot of children read the Narnia series without immediately linking it to Christianity, but this Christian influence isn’t always so obvious. Troughton sees these “echoes of a Christian past” everywhere, claiming that we live in a culture “where we are shaped by assumptions about what it means to be human.” Being human is often conflated with being moral— we have human rights, not moral rights. Troughton doesn’t believe traditional religion tells the whole story any more, adding that “there has been a definite turn towards holistic spirituality, [values gained from] an interest in health and wellbeing, psychological literature, counselling, and self-help culture.”

We appear to treat personal religion like a tumblr blog, grabbing the desirable and recontextualising it without permission. them”—we want this to be true. We’ve conveniently ignored other tenets of Buddhism/Eastern cultures that are less tasteful to western eyes —like Dharma— the “natural order of things”, a concept which supports the caste system. Troughton sees this as sometimes problematic, but often harmless; an example of the hybridity that religion always displays. “Religion is seldom as pure as the refined forms that you see in the official dogmas.” All this personal spirituality seems pretty believable, but it doesn’t quite explain our enduring sense of right and wrong. You’ve got to have some kind of moral compass before you can assign karmic value to an action. Moral values are is instilled in us throughout our youth, from parental guidance to Harry Potter, but are these morals religiously tinged? Troughton sees this sense of morality as intrinsically linked with

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Religion has hitched a ride through every cultural revolution humanity has ever endured. In fact, it’s caused quite a few. Part of me wants to reject the influence religion has had on our culture, to call it fairytales for adults and then post this article on Reddit, but religion defies that kind of easy categorisation; it’s too large of a force to even consider whether we would be better off without it. Certainly, organised religion has centuries of intolerance and bloodshed to answer for, but so do most aspects of human society. Blaming past bigotry on religion is easy, a scapegoat we use since we’re uncomfortable with the hate our whole culture once engaged in. New Zealand seems to be leaving organised religion behind—and we should be okay with that—but this isn’t going to suddenly solve all our problems. We have the internet for that.

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Lizard People, Church Steeples & Tin-Foil Hats The Truth Behind Conspiracy Theories When most of us hear the words 'conspiracy theory', we think of UFOs, Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster. These theories and their followers have got a bad rap over the years, from the depictions of tin-foil-hat-wearing fanatics we see in the movies, to journalist Christopher Hitchens' descriptor of the theories as "the exhaust fumes of democracy". But before we completely dismiss these groups as ‘crazy’, it may be worth at least trying to understand what motivates the disbelievers.

Laetitia Laubscher From the truly bizarre to the borderlinebelievable, there are alternative theories for almost every aspect of human life and history, whether they are widely followed, or lurking in the darkest corners of the internet. In its simplest form, a conspiracy theory is "a proposed explanation of events that postulates secret plans and actions on the part of a group and conflicts with the official story (or stories) of the same events,” explains senior Philosophy lecturer Dr Stuart Brock. Brock, who teaches Victoria’s 200-level ‘Conspiracy Theories’ course, says that conspiracy theories don’t necessarily deserve the ‘crazy’ label that society has painted them with. “If we understand conspiracy theories in this way they need not conflict with reality. Sometimes they correspond to reality and sometimes they don’t.” Why then, do we always put the theorists in the crazy box?

The first official study of conspiracy theories was American historian Richard Hofstadter’s 1966 essay ‘The Paranoid Style in American Politics’, which described a conspiracy theory as a belief in the existence of a “vast, insidious, preternaturally effective international conspiratorial network designed to perpetrate acts of the most fiendish character”, concocted by a group of “right-wing paranoids”. Hofstadter went on to argue that conspiracy theorists were “uncommonly angry minds” whose judgment was somewhat “distorted”. These early depictions set the tone for future research in the area. Scholars began to view conspiracy theories as a product of mental disorders such as extreme paranoia, delusion or even narcissism. Indeed, in their essay ‘The Truth is Out There’, psychologists Dr Viren Swami and Dr Rebecca Coles wrote that, in all of these earlier studies, conspiracy theories were

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simply assumed to be incorrect. But are conspiracy theorists really restricted to a small class of UFO-spotting psychopaths? Apparently not. According to research conducted by Victoria Associate Professor of Psychology Marc Wilson, 78.7 per cent of 6000 New Zealanders surveyed believe that it is likely that the "Iraq war is about oil, not democracy". 3.3 per cent of those interviewed consider it is likely that Elvis faked his own death, and 35.7 per cent suspect that it is likely that the US Government knew about, or planned, 9/11. Given these figures, “I’m fairly confident, based on the research I’ve conducted, that everyone believes in the reality of at least some conspiracy,” says Wilson. So why is it that some of us seem bent on questioning the world around us, while others just swallow the pill? Wilson explains that “generally speaking [they] don’t think ‘differently’ because they

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are us.” However, the “less than five per cent” (as Wilson claims) who believe in a ‘monological belief system’—a network of conspiracies, where one conspiracy may prove to be sufficient evidence for the findings of another—have quite different tendencies. Swami found that the beliefs of this particular group were significantly associated with the Big Five personality trait of 'Openness to experience', suggesting that intellectual curiosity, an active imagination and a proclivity for new ideas results in greater exposure and subsequent assimilation of conspiracist beliefs. These types were also found to be more supportive of democratic principles, leading to them considering the conspiracies to be examples of nondemocratic activity, thus leading to their political cynicism, a tendency to support minority parties and a distrust of the powers-that-be. In his research, Wilson has also noted a correlation between belief in paranormal activity and belief in conspiracy theories, and a weak but consistent correlation between paranoia and belief in conspiracy theories. While paranoia has become synonymous with belief in conspiracy theories, a correlation between the two does not necessarily mean that these beliefs are the result of a psychological disorder. As Swami notes, “over time theorists may also become more distrustful of others… because in extreme cases they feel under constant scrutiny and rejection.”

In New Zealand, conspiracy group NZ911Truth.org seeks to uncover the truth behind 9/11, citing New Zealand’s involvement in “an illegal war” as motivation to push for an independent inveatigation into the attacks. Despite these pacific motivations, NZ911Truth. org’s Phillip Rose says that the group “are outcasts in the local ‘peace’ community. While we have an obvious anti-war position, and consider ourselves peace

“I’m fairly confident, based on the research I’ve conducted, that everyone believes in the reality of at least some conspiracy.” activists, we are shunned by almost 100 per cent of the peace activists we have met… they don't want to have anything to do with us.” So, what is it that motivates so many of us to question the world around us? One study found that conspiracy theories are often based on epistemic biases, meaning that we expect significant events to have significant causes. When we find that

information is lacking to adequately explain major events, a narrative is created in order to “provide a convenient alternative to living with the uncertainty”. This is especially true in traumatic situations, where a conspiracy theory may provide for the psychological needs of the individual as a coping mechanism. “When people are outraged or distressed [they] seek to justify their emotional state by claiming intentionality of actions even in the absence of evidence,” explains Swami. Humans will also tend to judge fictitious accounts as more plausible if these accounts are more consistent with pre-existing beliefs; a tendency called ‘confirmation bias’. In a poll of seven predominantly Muslim countries, for example, almost four fifths of respondents did not believe that the 9/11 attacks were carried out by Arabs, but instead was the work of the US or Israeli governments. Considering how common conspiracy belief appears to be, and how much our psychological needs can impact our perception, I ask Dr Stuart Brock how can we decide which purported truth to believe? His answer: “Enrol in PHIL236 (Conspiracy Theories). This is not a question that can be answered in just a few words.”

The Truth is Out There Salient’s Top 5 Conspiracies 1. Redheads are the offspring of aliens. Enough said. 2. Dentists implant microwaves in our teeth. (They’re in on a deal with doctors, who make money when the tiny microwaves create indigestion.) 3. Obama and Osama are the same person. 4. The CIA discovered mind control techniques in the 1970s and have been using them on world leaders ever since. 5. STDs are a government plot to make money from medicine and condoms. So now we know who’s behind the gonorrhoea outbreak...

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SOCIETY: NUN THE WISER Over the coming weekend, millions of people around the world will be gorging themselves on bunny-shaped chocolates, and cinnamonflavoured buns featuring one of the most sacred Christian symbols. Considering that gluttony is a cardinal sin, this probably wasn’t the intended way of memorialising the death of Christ. Elise Munden

Over the course of several centuries, the aesthetic value of religion has become amalgamated with secular celebrations and practices. This amalgamation has become particularly apparent with the burgeoning influence of mass media and consumerism. Practically everywhere you look, the appropriated, convenient use of religion can be observed.

‘TIS THE SEASON TO BUY Christmas might as well be a celebration of consumerism. New Zealanders spent $1.3 billion in the one week leading up to December 25 last year (to put that in perspective, this is the equivalent of one tenth of our national student loan debt). Advertisements themed towards the Christmas season now begin as early as October, and you can expect to see your friendly Farmers assistant wearing those reindeer earrings with the lightbulb noses from the beginning of November. Christian symbolism is also an intrinsic part of the products being sold around this time. The Bible depicts angels as heavenly guardians, while The Warehouse sells plastic versions of them imprisoned in snowglobes. The nativity scene is intricately described in the Book of Matthew, but is also printed on greeting cards to be sealed in envelopes and half-heartedly exchanged with distant cousins. The commercial treatment of Easter is quite different. The reason that this time of the year is important to Christians is that Good Friday marks the death of Christ. While Christmas at least has the privilege of retaining imagery associated with the nativity, one certainly cannot find scenes of Christ’s final sacrifice printed on foil-wrapped eggs. Yet the shape of the wooden cross that Jesus died on is still drawn on top of hot cross buns by your local baker; the only religious symbol of Easter deemed

‘pretty’ enough for mass consumption. The religious roots of these celebrations have been manipulated to give just enough of a sombre tone to the festivities in order to justify our spending trends at this time. Families have been convinced that spending more than they can afford over Christmas is validated by the ‘spirit of giving’.

on gay marriage. In the interests of democracy, it is of course hugely important that all points of view are represented in the media, even those in the minority. But if these views only amount to controversial vox pops in the name of ‘fair and balanced’ journalism, how much attention and understanding is really given to Craig and his supporters?

FASHION, BABY

THE GOOD WORD

Cultural appropriation of religious imagery is by no means limited to times of celebration. After all, the crucifix is oh so hot right now: bracelets, T-shirts, necklaces, tattoos, piercings, all are opportunities to adorn oneself with the same image that Catholics use to genuinely embody their faith.

When asked about the topic, Father Tom O’Connor of Wellington’s Saint Mary of the Angels Church was entirely candid. “I suppose it’s got two sides to it. One is that at least they’re talking about it, the other is that really I think they miss the point as to what it’s all about. For us, they are spiritual celebrations.” As for those who only attend Easter Sunday or Christmas Day Mass for the ‘novelty’ of it, he reasoned that “I don’t get offended by it, but I would like to see them every Sunday of the year of course”.

Even Eastern religions have suffered from the thieving nature of Westerners. Red bindi dots represent the sanctity of marriage for a married Hindu woman. Today, girls who probably intend to fornicate on a Saturday night can also be seen wearing them as part of the 90s-chic style of 2013. The presence of religious symbolism in fashion is premised on the desire to look ethnic, cultured, or 'bohemian'. Yet the wearers of such fashion are ironically uneducated on just how intrinsic these images are to their respective faiths.

NEWS FLASH Religious doctrine once stood as the bastion of social conduct, the irrefutable truth, the most important opinion on any topic. Today, an opportunity can often be found to present religious beliefs as the convenient ‘other’ point of view. A prime example of this is Colin Craig’s sudden rise to fame as the token representative of the opposing position ◄ ◄ • 26 • ►►

There is a certain pathos in these statements from Father Tom. Secular society has taken the ‘prettiest’ elements of his religion, the bits that most conveniently suit their festive needs, and reproduced them en masse, stripping them of their faith-inspiring qualities. Society has forgotten that for billions of people around the world, their religious beliefs aren’t simply an accessory they can take off at the end of the day. The morals they adhere to don’t just disappear after December 25. Religion has become convenient. We use it when it suits us: when we want a public holiday; when we want to blame someone for political problems; when we want a new look to wear down Courtenay Place; when we want a free ice cream from Huge!; when we want a theme for an issue of Salient.

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Easter: A Hare-y Tale By Alexandra Hollis Triptych by Molly McCarthy

The Last Supper One Thursday night, Esther Bunny gathered her friends: Peter, Andrew, James Flopsy, John, Philip, Thomas, Bartholomew, Matthew, James Mopsy, Thaddeus, Simon Cottontail, and Judas MacGregor, around for a Vast Supper. Everyone was having a great time, chatting happily and nibbling carrots, but Esther could not shake the feeling she had that things might not always be so fluffy. With a twitch of her ears and a shake of her tail, Esther stood up. “Bunnies; you are good bunnies,” she said, “I want you to always be good bunnies. Go forth and multiply, as you were intended.” With this, she gave each bunny a slice of carrot cake. “Take this cake, and nibble on it. It is my body. Munch, and know that I am with you.”

The Crucifixion But, as Esther had suspected, things were no longer fluffy. The next day, Judas MacGregor, a hare in bunny’s clothing, betrayed her to the farmers—enemies to all of bunny-kind. They strung her up on a cross, poking and prodding at her bunny belly, stripping all the fluff off her body and stripping her of her life. Esther was a hair away from death, knowing that it wouldn’t be long until her little leporine days were over. “I’ve bucked the trend of life,” she said, and hopped away to heaven.

The Resurrection That Sunday, when Mary Bunny came to weep at Esther’s tomb, she found the door of the hutch open. Peering in with her excellent nightvision, she could find no sign of Esther. “This is unbuniveable!” she cried, cursing the rabbit who had hopped away with Esther’s body. News travelled fast; with a flick of a nose or quiver of an ear, all the bunnies knew that she had disappeared. But not into some rabbit hole; Esther was still hopping around, and soon came across her friends from the Vast Supper—except for Judas the hare. “How are you here?" they cried, "We’re all ears!” "It's my Esther miracle," she said, a miracle which she performed for 40 days, before finally, actually, hopping off to heaven.

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Long, Black and Handsome M. Magdalene The first time I saw him, I just knew he was the one for me. He answered my prayers every morning, with honour and grace, without delay or question. He looked like God, standing there behind the coffee counter at Vicbooks, with a halo glowing above his head of perfectly unkempt brown hair. It was a fluorescent light. I named him Googly Eyes, because his eyes hold the answer to every question, even when I spell something wrong. They’re also just a bit googly. I still get shivers when I think about the way he would stare deep into my eyes when he handed me my soy mocha to go. I don’t even like mochas. But the colour of the coffee reminds me of his warm, soulful eyes. Sometimes I’d ‘accidentally’ brush my hand against his, just to get a sense of what it would be like to be touched by an angel. I used to get so overwhelmed by his presence that I felt faint and forgot where I was. One sip of that coffee, and I was grounded again. When times are hard, I close my eyes and chant his mantra–“soy mocha, one sugar”–until I can feel every cell in my body and see other beautiful dimensions, where I swim in a sea of mocha; where. instead of sand, there is a beach of chocolate powder, where whales spout steamed milk, and warmth pours down from those glorious googly eyes. The longer I

meditate, the more I see. Sometimes I see Googly Eyes isn't just floating in the sky: he's nailed to a cross made of wooden coffee stirrers. Mocha leaks from his hands and feet. I weep.

meaning and I enter a trance-like state.

There are several other girls, and guys for that matter, who I know are equally obsessed with Googly Eyes. I don’t mind though. It’s so nice to meet up The day I first saw Googly Eyes, I once a week and discuss what we like looked him up on Facebook. I about him, how we can be more check it every day in case like him, and what he would count he changes his profile do if he were in our c a s i "H t picture. I live in hope positions. I love singing u b rivate, p that he will share Googly Eyes’ praises y t t is pre a s ’ some more of with my brothers and e h t ee tha himself with me sisters. I know it’s I did s ate H e when he thinks what he’d want, W er of I’m ready. His because he’s a really memb e , so I’v t f i account is pretty social guy. He has lots w S Taylor private, but I did of friends on Facebook, her up n see that he’s a and even more e v i g " member of We Hate followers on Twitter. . r e ast Taylor Swift, so I’ve given until E He left Vicbooks a little while her up until Easter. It’s really ago, but thankfully there’s another hard for me, because I love her guy that gently repeats his words to so so much. I want him to know how me every day. This keeps me going serious, and how dedicated to him I until Googly Eyes returns one day. I am. Mum's really proud because she hope he will come back for me. I heard thinks it's for Lent, and she's a devout a rumour that he'll be resurrected, I Catholic. I suppose it is a lent of sorts. mean reinstated, at the Vicbooks coffee Googly Eyes Lent. My friends are all so counter, around Easter. I’d really like to cynical and refuse to keep the faith. I’m see him work that steam wand some also going on a diet! I’m having only time. In my bedroom. If I ever see him one meal per day until he returns. I’ll again, I’ll tell him “I like the way you look so great that he won’t be able to work it, no diggity, fill my coffee cup.” resist. I just pray he notices. I have a printout of his current profile pic stuck to my bedroom mirror. Sometimes at night I light a candle, burn some incense, and just look at him, whispering “soy mocha” until the words lose their

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I’m out of my head, hopelessly devoted to Googly Eyes.

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north, the way to heaven? Ashleigh Hume When I was eight years old, my family moved from suburban Auckland to a tiny town in the mysterious region known as “Up North”. Until then, I had no knowledge of how the Earth was created, or why humans were made. Nor did I give a flying fuck. This little town was heavily religious, almost to the point of extremism. There were seven churches in the town centre, which, for a population of less than 1000, seemed somewhat excessive. Because I was a bastard child who hadn’t been baptised, I never felt like I really fitted in with the rest of the community. The people who held the most 'power' in the town were pastors and other religious authority figures, so it was pretty much a requirement to believe in God in order to get by without scandal. On top of that, most people I knew went to church every week. I never went, partly because my parents slept in on a Sunday and couldn’t be bothered taking me, and partly because when I did go, I usually fell asleep. Many of the more spiritual citizens disapproved of my family. At my new school, I encountered a class I had never had to take before—Bible Studies. This subject taught me that God created everything in existence, and if we didn’t worship Him we would spend eternity in Hell, or something along those lines. I was young and impressionable; needless to say, this scared me a little. Out of fear for my soul (and also out of a need to be accepted), I began my journey on the good ship Christianity. Living by the rules set out in the Bible was a lot tougher than I had anticipated.

I had to clean up my act, love my neighbours (even the one who stole my jelly shoes. What an arsehole), and respect my parents despite the fact that they were unmarried and therefore had a one-way ticket to an eternity of fiery damnation. As a woman, my only goal in life was to get married and pop out little heaven- spawn to spread the Word of God, instead of living life by my own set of rules.

Of course, the minute I began asking questions was the minute things starting going downhill.

High school was much the same story. It was divided into two main groups: the Christians and the non-Christians. I became best friends with a girl from a large Catholic family, and she taught me a lot about God and his teachings, being far more familiar with them than I. (Strangely enough, she later ditched her religion and is now a staunch atheist. Go figure.) Being friends with her also meant that I had connections to the former group, which I intensely desired to be a part of. Much of my time at high school was spent flitting between the two groups, eventually deciding that the non-Christians were a lot more open and accepting of me as a person. After that, the Good Word didn’t seem so good anymore.

There was one incident in particular that tipped the scales as to whether or not Christianity was right for me. At the local Youth Group, we were discussing divorce and the instances in which it was acceptable. Things like domestic abuse were brought up. For some reason, I decided it was a good idea to ask; “What if you’ve been really unhappy for a very long time?” The entire room went silent. Everyone stared. Apparently my question wasn’t as legitimate as I had thought.

As I grew older, I began to doubt my beliefs even more. They seemed so restrictive and prejudiced. Was homosexuality actually a sin? Was sex before marriage really that bad? (This question was a particular fixation in my teenage years, during which I discovered boys, booze, and the effects of mixing the two.) And if God is so forgiving, why did he banish Adam and Eve from Eden after one little transgression? The whole thing seemed pretty suspicious to me.

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People would shake their heads and promise to “pray for my soul”. Any rational argument I formulated would be dismissed without any discussion. I felt ostracised because I wasn’t willing to believe in something without concrete proof.

It may not seem like much, but that marked the end of my relationship with religion. For me, there were too many things that just didn’t add up. It was comforting to think there was some higher power out there watching over me; but if God existed, he seemed to be a bit of a judgmental dickhead, which wasn’t the type of God I wanted to believe in. To be honest, I feel freer having thrown off the mantle of religion. I can be myself without worrying about whether or not what I’m doing is a sin–and I’m pretty sure my soul is intact. Granted, I’m still not sure how the Earth was created, or why humans were made, but quite frankly, I STILL don’t give a flying fuck.

YOUR STUDENTS’

ASSOCIATION

your students' association

THE McCOURT REPORT VUWSA President Rory McCourt

systems and better customer service. That’s what VUWSA believes can happen. To our delight, Studylink has been in touch with NZUSA (our national students’ association) and said they believe it too. I’d be interested to hear how you think StudyLink can be improved; I’ll pass on your feedback. Flick me an email: president@vuwsa.org.nz or tweet me @rorymccourt The second instance of belief changing things for the better is the Hub opening last week, which showed us what great things can happen when people do believe in a thing called partnership. The Hub is a multi-million dollar project with $12 million coming directly from students. VUWSA and the VUWSA Trust have been a part of the building’s construction since 1999 when the Trust was first looking for a new project to fund. Students told VUWSA that they wanted the old quad gone, and a new heart for the University. That’s what they got. But not only because of us, but also because the great partnership with the University led to great outcomes. In this case, the full and absolute partnership between the University and its students through VUWSA has led to the most student-centred building in the nation. Students sat on the boards and committees which decided everything from the shape and feel of the building, to its contractors and colour palette. I think that’s pretty awesome. That’s partnership, that’s belief. Special thanks to Vice-Chancellor Pat Walsh and Director of Campus Services Jenny Bentley for valuing a place at the table for students.

VUWSA President Rory McCourt speaking at the official Hub opening. For situations to improve, one must hold on to the belief that they can be better. Last week, I think there were a couple of examples of belief leading to change for the better. First, you might’ve seen me last Saturday night on ONE News talking about the massive problems our students are facing with StudyLink. Dropped calls, 'unreceived' documents and giant delays have meant hundreds of students haven’t had their allowances or living cost loans come through.

It has been the belief of those who came before us that we could have world-class facilities for studying and socialising at Vic that it happened. That and the belief of staff and students in the partnership to make sure it did. I hope you have enjoyed or will enjoy the Hub this year. It’s a truly spectacular facility, and a campus heart we can be proud of. PS If you’re struggling to get by with StudyLink issues or anything else, pop into our Community Pantry. It’s a free foodbank for all students, not just members!

It’s almost April, and we have to ask: is this good enough? Students without that vital income are finding it really hard to get into a flat, to pay for rent, and for transport to get to uni. Delays like this happen every year and you’d think by now the Government would have put the resourcing into Studylink to help reduce it, right? Admittedly, the number of dropped calls is down on average from last year. That’s good. What’s not good is the increasing number of horror stories we hear through our offices. Farran Inglis, a Vic student said that as of last Tuesday, StudyLink hadn't "processed my student allowance yet because they still haven't located the 'missing information' that has been sent in three times now, and that has been about three months of mucking around. And the three times where I have actually have got through to an operator, I’ve been told three different answers on what’s going on.” Farran’s story is like many others that I hear, and they’re stories we have to ask whether we’re comfortable hearing, or whether we believe that StudyLink and our university experience at the start of the year can be changed for the better. Better organised with better

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NGAI TAUIRA

VICE PRESIDENT (ACADEMIC)

Kia ora mai tātou katoa. Third week in and already assignments are stacking up. If you’re unsure about how to get started on your essay, Ihaka Tunui down at Student Support Learning Services has plenty of tips, so don’t be shy to go and visit him.

By Sonya Clark, VicePresident (Academic)

Do you know your Class Rep? Sometime during the first few weeks, your lecturer should have asked for a volunteer to be the Class Representative, or Class Rep. If you’re in LAWS121, there were probably five eager hands up and an intense election. If you’re in ENGL330, the awkward silence may have lingered until the guy who was Class Rep last time was ‘encouraged’ to do it. However much you like yours, Class Reps are a really important part of life here at Vic. Contrary to some students’ perceptions, they’re not notetakers for when you sleep through your 8am lecture. They are there as a go-to-person to pass on your feedback to the Course Coordinator, and to point you to help and support if you need it. VUWSA trains all Class Reps, so they know how to resolve any issues that arise, or connect you to the people who do. So don’t be afraid to approach them–their details should be up on Blackboard. If you are a Class Rep, and you’re not sure what to do with this new role, then it’s not too late! There are heaps of trainings happening at Kelburn, Pipitea and Te Aro over the next few weeks, so check out www.vuwsa.org. nz for a time. Last year, when I ran for this role, I promised I’d work to let you know about the (often confusing) policies and processes at Vic, so that you’d know how to get the best out of your courses. Did you know there is a ‘Student Workload Policy’ that recommends lecturers are ‘flexible’ in giving extensions to students who have three or four assignments due in a short space of time? Did you know that you can get your exam papers back—easily and for free? I’m still committed to getting the word out about this stuff—watch this space.

Ngā Taura Ūmanga is the Māori Commerce Students' Association at Victoria. As with all Māori student associations on campus, they were established to improve the profile of Māori students at University for the benefit of their whānau, hapū and iwi. Their aims are to uplift the knowledge of Māori Commerce students with support based on values such as aroha, kotahitanga, manaakitanga and wairuatanga. They maintain a great relationship with Te Awe Wellington Māori Business Network and every year participate in and contribute to a national Māori Commerce meeting, which will be hosted in Wellington this year. Ngā Taura Ūmanga is open to Māori Commerce students of all levels, so you’re likely to find support from others who have already done the papers you’re in. Upcoming events include a social quiz night, to be held on Tuesday 26 March. If you would like to know more about any of their events or get involved with the group in general, like their page on Facebook.

PASIFIKA STUDENTS' COUNCIL A big fa'amalo and faafetai for those who came out last Saturday to our reggae night. That was just a taste of more great events we have planned for you this year. Loto Aho Study Session Change of Venue: KK001, Kirk Building (room next to Ema’s office) Wednesday 4-6pm (No need to sign up, feed provided after session) Ema Sanga's Critical Thinking Workshop Every Tuesday and Thursday from 12-1pm, Pasifika Haos. (No need to sign up) Have a safe break, and see you when you get back. Please take care of yourselves, look out for each other, stay blessed and be a blessing.

Yours in good grades and bad ones, Sonya Clark Vice-President (Academic) avp@vuwsa.org.nz

Keep calm and SWAK it out! Text: 021 207 4733 Phone: (04) 463 6242 Email: pasifika@myvuw.ac.nz Website: www.victoria.ac.nz/ vicpasifika/

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 ~ COLUMNS ~

things that go bump in the night

lux lisbon

w it h

THE BRAIN DRAIN After a week void of both inspiration and emails, I was struggling to conjure up something sufficiently saucy to share with you this week. But all I can say is thank goodness for Kelly Rowland and her new song ‘Kisses Down Low’. Given the nature of the music industry, one would be forgiven for assuming this track was about how much she loves to give blow jobs to her boyfriend. Quite the contrary: Kelly tells the whole world how much she loves to receive “kisses down low”—amen to that. So on that note, this week we are talking about oral sex, baby.

is a great way to enjoy both yours and your sexual partner’s body.

Oral sex seems to have a controversial reputation, both historically and contemporarily. Women often feel that sucking dick is degrading and anti-feminist and men seem to think that eating pussy is emasculating or gross. Well kittens, that is complete bullshit. Sure, if you are not ready for sex or feel uncomfortable performing or receiving oral, that is your prerogative, but for those of you who are down to go down, it

Tip two: Relax. If your mind can chill out, south of the border is going to follow suit. I know this can be difficult in new relationships, or if you are feeling a little sensitive. Take some deep breaths, relax your muscles, and try to focus on what you’re feeling and nothing else.

There are 1001 pointers to rocking your partner’s world with little but your laughing gear, but here we only have room for a few. For detailed tips, I can highly recommend the vice.com guides to “Eating Pussy” and “Giving Head”, in all their crude glory. Tip one: Scrub up. So long as you are looking after yourself, taste and smell should be little or no problem. If the situation permits, treat your partner to a sexy lathering in the shower pre-mouth loving.

Tip three: Use your mouth. Sure, this may be a little obvious, but what I mean here is don’t

be shy to tell your partner what feels good and what doesn’t. If you’re a little too shy to ask them to lick harder/stick a finger in your bum, then just moan appropriately. Tip four: Don’t bite. Ever. I don’t imagine this needs much more explanation. Lux you long time x.

Lux Lisbon is our resident sex columnist for 2013. If there is anything in your life they could help shed a little light on, or a topic you want them to cover, go right ahead and send a little inbox love to

Luxatsalient@gmail.com

If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately and confidentially with a professional, rather than

Lux Lisbon, the Student

Counselling Service can provide a safe place to explore such aspects of your life. free and confidential.

The service is

Phone (04) 463 5310. Email

counselling-service@vuw.ac.nz.

Visit Mauri Ora,

Level 1, Student Union Building.

Behold, Secret Diary of Pope Francis By Penny Gault Dear God, Hello, it’s me. Pope Francis here. It’s okay to take another man’s first name, but never their surname. You may recognise me from previous hits—such as my role as Norris in Coronation Street, and previously as Uncle Junior in The Sopranos. No, not the creepy guy from The Devil Wears Prada. That’s Stanley Tucci. Before I met you, God, Amalia was the love of my life. We used to play together in the street when we were younger. Well you would know, anyway. You know everything. I told her that if she didn’t marry me, I’d become a priest! I was so sure she felt the same. Did you tell her to say no? Was that your plan all along? Well, I sure showed her. Once a stubborn Catholic, always a stubborn Catholic. Now, I’m not complaining, but it does take rather a lot of effort to get ready in the morning. First, my Vera Wang ivory wool skirt (empire waist, of course). Next, my vintage Dior gold lamé gown and threefoot House of Whoville hat, which would put Princess Beatrice to shame. Finally, my precious ruby slippers – gifted to Pope Benedict by Judy Garland upon completion of filming the Wizard of Oz. I have to

be looking my best when I go out and tell the world it’s wrong to be gay. Some people seem a bit shocked by my shameless Catholicism. Well, I refer them to Ice-T’s Book of Psalms: “don’t hate the player, hate the game.” Preach. Yesterday, I wore my glasses; all the better to see you with, my dear. Today, I chose not to. Voilà, the press goes ballistic. They say I’ve had a makeover. Ironically, I get a lot of attention for my unassuming habits. Went to pay my hotel bill; made the news. Wore black shoes; made the news. I must confess. When I tripped over my gown, I thought, WWJD, Francis? What would Jennifer Lawrence do? Hail Jennifer. I mean, Mary. Amen.

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our Life Fixing Y[BECAUSE OURS ARE WRITTEN OFF] Dear Janet and Hector, I have a real problem! I’m living this year with some friends from my firstyear hall, and while I expected it to be a whole lot of fun, it has led to lots of stress! We all love to party, but it seems like I’m the only one who feels the need to study sometimes. Even when there’s no party, there will be someone watching TV really loud which is just as annoying. What can I do? Please help, Stiff Jim.

Janet Don’t you “I have a real problem” me! I will make up my own mind as to when problems are real. That said, as the one who puts in more man-hours for their uni work than the rest, you run the risk of being a fun sponge. Welcome to the tightrope. The difficulty lies in what I presume is the ad hoc nature of your pals’ social habits. They sound super chill. (What must it be like to be ‘chill’? When people tell me to ‘take a night off’ I want to hit them in their blasé underachieving face.) Talk to your flatmates about it calmly and rationally, but don’t use signposting or too many hand gestures: save this kind of pompously threatening behaviour for dates. You could float the notion with your flatmates—while avoiding words like ‘notion’—that you’re cool with them having lots of friends, but you have shit to be getting on with and it’d be great if they could be a little quieter/have people over once or twice fewer a week/give you

a text in the afternoon if they plan on doing something that night, so that you can stay later at uni or go somewhere else. Establish that Fridays and Saturdays are a free-forall—it will look like you’re ‘compromising’. With any luck, as your ‘friends’, they will understand. Just don’t harp on at them about how if they went to sleep earlier and drank less they’d have more money and do better at university: they’ll be all like “quit your paternalism”, and “stop beating me around the head with logic”, and “I don’t have to pay this back, our assets are in a farm.” As regards loud television watching, the only excuse for it is if the watcher is someone who has to leave the volume set on a multiple of ten or something. I can think of no other reason. Ultimately, living in a ‘party flat’ is not for everyone. It might not be for you. I’m sure these people are great, but consider moving in next year with friends who have similar study habits to you. Being able to leave the party is a fabulous luxury.

Hector Hey Jimbo, The way I see it, you guys don’t have enough in common to live the same lifestyle, and yet you have enough in common (and enough shared experience) to expect that you all want the same things. That’s my theory as to why you should never live with anyone you even remotely like. Then again, living with people you don’t get on with is an

Janet and Hector are our resident advice columnists for 2013. If you've got a problem you'd like them to solve, send your queries through to editor@salient.org.nz, subject: 'ADVICE'.

even bigger mistake. Target the person with a room as far away from the lounge as possible for sexual conquest so that you can crash there whenever possible. I’m not necessarily saying you should always bang your way out of trouble, but sometimes that’s an option in the right circumstances. Not in the wrong ones, though; that’s only going to lead to bigger problems. Let me clarify. Sex is great, but in a general sense it’s a Big Deal. It can get really messed up when it interacts with various human factors, among other reasons because it’s so emotionally charged. It shouldn’t be feared, but it needs to be respected. Some people don’t want to do it, and that’s cool too. The act of sex is neither an inherently ‘good’ thing, nor an inherently ‘bad’ thing. It’s just a strong thing. So long as we treat it right, and don’t force our ideologies on people, we should all be pretty comfortable with it, right? Problem solved. That was easy. The great thing about advice is that you get to choose which bits to follow. The not-so-great thing about it is that it’s usually so abstract so as to have no relevance to the real world, and can do more harm than good. Maybe we’ll have to exercise our best judgment and hope for the best. I hope that answered your question. Well, I know it didn’t, but Janet had some good points. Also, compromise is really good. Don’t join debsoc. Umbrellas are wasted in Wellington. I give up. Hector.

If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately and confidentially with a professional, rather than Hector and Janet, Student Counselling Service can provide a safe place to explore such aspects of your life. The service is free and confidential. Phone (04) 463 5310. Email counsellingservice@vuw.ac.nz. Visit Mauri Ora, Level 1, Student Union Building.

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laying down the law

Prosser-stan: The Limits of Free Speech in New Zealand

Weekly Rant Case Study of a Modern Nihilist Jordan Skrzynski Being exiled to public transport isn’t all bad. It gives one some much needed time to think. Public transport offers welcome respite from the never-ending treadmill that is modern life. Yes, I find riding public transport to be quite a cathartic experience—yet on this particular bus ride that I’m about to recount to you, my thoughts were entirely macabre, and I found myself realising that I had nothing to believe in. Not even the magic of public transport could placate me.

JOHANNA MCDAVITT Over the summer, New Zealand First MP Richard Prosserattracted criticism from around the world when in a column in Investigate magazine he commented that “Misogynist troglodytes from Wogistan are threatening our way of life and security of travel in the name of their stone-age religion”. Turned out Prosser was butt-hurt at having his pocketknife confiscated by an airport security guard. The general gist of his argument seemed to be that, if Muslim men were not allowed to fly, that would leave him free to carry as many dangerous implements on aircrafts as he wants. Aside from being evidence of the bizarre machinations of Richard Prosser’s mind, the incident also brings into question the legal limits of free speech in New Zealand. Prosser’s comments clearly crossed the line into bigoted and just plain stupid, but were they illegal? Free speech is one of the key political rights covered by the New Zealand Bill of Rights Act 1991 (BORA). But rights aren’t absolute— most people agree that my rights end where your rights begin. So, even though punching is a form of expression, I’m not free to walk up to the Vice-Chancellor and punch him in the face if I’m unhappy with him. How does this apply to speech? Is there a point at which speech can become so hateful that it encroaches on others’ rights to live a life free from prejudice and fear of violence? While that’s a tricky philosophical question in itself, New Zealand law has its own answer. Sections 61 and 131 of the Human Rights Act 1993 make it unlawful to use words that are threatening, abusive or insulting, and likely to excite hostility against or bring into contempt any group of people on the ground of the colour, race, or ethnic or national origins of that group of persons. Prosser’s comments are obviously insulting. They don’t, however, single out a group of people on the ground of colour, race, or ethnicity. No, “Muslim” is not an ethnicity. It’s also reasonably clear that Prosser’s comments fail to meet the standard of “likely to excite hostility against or bring into contempt any group of people”. If anything, his comments bring him into contempt. The comments are not seriously likely to increase hostility against “Muslim-looking men”. This is a high standard to meet, reflecting the importance of the right to freedom of expression. Remember, just because you can say it without breaking the law, doesn’t mean you’re not a douche.

God is a meaningless word in my world. My life has been a perpetually sinking ship since the day I was born, so if God were to exist, then he must surely exist as my enemy—best to ignore him in that case. Morality is too subjective to be taken seriously, and karma seemingly still hasn’t caught up with me for all my douchebaggery. I couldn’t possibly believe in them. The anchors of my life—my family, my home, my friends— could be taken away in the blink of an eye, as natural disasters so often remind us. And destiny? The only thing I’ve ever felt destined to do was to eat Cheezels off of my chest as I pwnd n00bs at Halo 2 back when I was 12—but no one would respect me if I did that now (and, to be honest, no one respected it then, either). No, I had nothing and nobody to believe in. My train of thought was getting progressively more angstridden and full of despair as the bus ride continued. Despair not only for myself, but for mankind too: every year, the demographic of atheists becomes larger while the spiritual become increasingly marginalised. Sex and alcohol are our gods now; the nightclubs our temples of worship. Does there exist a force that exists strong enough to shake society out of this empty hedonistic funk? That was the last thought on my mind when she stepped onto the bus. A vision of beauty—perfection so precise that her being transcended her humanity and raised her to the level of living art. Her existence was a metaphor for something far beyond herself, and don’t think for a second that this fact eluded her. One glimpse at her enigmatic smile could hold the weight of a Dostoyevsky novel. Through her presence, I finally found the meaning of life—and, spoiler alert, it’s bad. Life is... a beautiful girl on a bus who will always be walking right past you. Upon seeing this exceptional female I realised, without a trace of doubt, that the only thing worth believing in was the absolute and all-consuming nature of suffering. I resigned myself entirely to despair, and returned to staring out into the obsidian sky. Oh Kafka, why did you have to die so young?

(Disclaimer: this column is no substitute for professional legal advice!) ◄ ◄ • 34 • ►►

'Weekly Rant' is a space for one-off opinion pieces. Want to write your own? Contact editor@salient.org. nz to let loose.

 ~ COLUMNS ~ By Alexandra Hollis and Eleanor Merton

Do's and Deities Krishna:

 drinking games  The Lion King  Beyonce

Does believe in:  peanut M&Ms  Grindr  unicorns  Kafka  spooning  Game of Thrones

 the Green party  the census  Pope Benedict  pizza that’s too cold to eat  earthquake proofing on Aro St  that The Lion King is based on Hamlet

Doesn’t believe in:  Richard Dawkins  Hope Bros  the cable car  fire drills  PayPal  iMacs

Doesn’t believe in:  essay plans  ASOS.com  the size of the glass doors in the Hub  Pat Walsh  VUW Confessions  the zeitgeist

Allah:

Buddha:

Yahweh: Does believe in:  $1 shots  Blanket Man  Mount St (reluctant acceptance)

Does believe in:  Critic  the Red Bull van  Love Actually  Pope Francis  missing e  pre-registering with Mighty River Holdings Doesn’t believe in:  hashtags on Facebook

Does believe in:  the Newtown festival  VicBooks coffee  selfies  Grimes  preserving state assets  iMacs Doesn’t believe in:  Australian politics  Critic  bus fares  Hugh Grant’s career  University bathrooms

 plagiarism God:  Does believe in:  cat .gifs  Rocky from Boy (and his magic powers)  Christmas in October  one-night stands  Peter Dunn’s bowties  JLaw Doesn’t believe in:  Australia  pigeons  the love in this club  LAWS121  StudyLink*  religion * Studylink kindly responded to Salient’s request for comment, stating that it too does not believe in God. (God has refuted this claim.)

Hoopin' and Hollerin' Round two: after the final whistle Sport is measured in short periods—five-days, one day, 20 overs. 90 minutes, 80 minutes. Five sets, three sets. Four 12-minute quarters, 24 seconds. A hop, a skip, a jump. 9.58 seconds. In the greater scheme of an athlete’s life, these are but moments; split seconds of moments, even. Yet these moments often define an athlete’s life. Whether it’s the glory of victory, the ensuing financial rewards, or the cathartic release of a lifetime’s concerted focus, there is no doubt that sport changes lives. But at what cost? Since 2011, there have been six suicides of former NFL players linked to concussion-based depression. In 2007, professional wrestler Chris Benoit killed his wife and young family after an episode of roid-rage. Muhammad Ali has had Parkinson’s for 29 years now. The average elite athlete will die at age 67. These are the long-term impacts of sport, impacts we are all too happy to sweep under the rug once the final buzzer sounds on a sportsperson's career. We idolise players like Buck Shelford who play through a torn scrotum, a broken arm, a concussion. When both the Australian NRL (rugby league) and American NFL (American football) independently proposed rules around concussions and dangerous tackles—let me reiterate that tackling with your head is encouraged and widely practiced in the latter—they were met with an outcry from traditionalists. Are we really thinking here? For many athletes, their life is the real game of two halves—the time spent able-bodied, and the remainder. The ratios are not in their favour, and one can’t help but think that the ‘win at all costs’ doctrine internally and externally foisted on today’s competitors is

By Chris McIntyre

fundamentally flawed. I don’t have the answers; perhaps there are none. Researchers at Auckland University of Technology (AUT) are trying, though. In August last year, AUT announced a partnership with the International Rugby Board, launching a study to look at the longterm impacts of head injuries and the general health outcomes of playing rugby. Computerised neuropsychological testing, active balance testing, and physical and mental health and competency measurements will be taken from 600 players at all levels of the game, to be analysed over not moments, but years. At the same time, the NZRU announced that the ITM Cup would be the trial-ground for a new Pitch Side Control Assessment protocol. This requires all players suspected of having sustained a concussion to be replaced for five minutes, until the severity of the concussion can be ascertained. Moves like these are a step in the right direction, certainly. Sadly, evidence-based practice is often unpopular or goes unheeded at the grassroots level, and it will almost certainly take a long time for safety standards in sports to be widely recognised and respected. In the meantime, athletes will continue to jeopardise their future health for glory, money and adoration, based on a modus operandi of 'do now, worry later'. We’ll continue to watch them, share in their victories and vicariously live our sporting dreams through them. Yet at the end of the day, the only heartbreak we’ll share is the on-court or on-field variety—the post-career risks are the white elephant in the room, and it’s time we started sharing in those as well.

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the sweet scoop Since Easter is less than a week away, it's definitely hot cross bun time. Easter's a great holiday: you get chocolate, you can make hot cross buns, and there's no chance of hearing 'Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer'. Although supermarkets stock these, homemade buns — sweet, warm, spicy, covered in butter—are far more delicious. If you've never baked with yeast before, don't be scared. Always use fresh yeast (not the jar the last tenants left), check the expiry date, and once opened, store in the fridge. When rising the buns, leave them somewhere warm, like by a sunny window (Aro Valley-ers could hop in a sleeping bag with it). Any liquid ingredients should be around blood temperature. If they are above 60°C, it will kill the yeast. Once you've got these points down, the rest is easy.

FOOD & DRINK

hot cross buns The buns: 275 mL tepid water 1 tablespoon + 1/4 cup sugar 1 tablespoon yeast 3 1/2 cups flour 2/3 cup currants 1/2 cup sultanas 1 tablespoon ground cinnamon 1 teaspoon ground nutmeg 1 teaspoon ground cloves 75 g mixed glacé peel

Makes 15

Eve Kennedy

25 g butter 1/2 cup milk

The crosses: 3 tablespoons flour 1 teaspoon sugar 4 tablespoons + 1 teaspoon water The glaze: 3 tablespoons sugar 3 tablespoons water

To start, place 150 mL of tepid water together with the yeast and 1 tablespoon of sugar. Leave in a warm place for about 15 minutes. Meanwhile, prepare dry ingredients by mixing flour, fruit, sugar and spices until fully combined. Melt butter, and mix the remaining warm water with the milk. By now, the yeast mix should have formed a brown foam on top. Pour yeast mix, the milk and water, and melted butter into the dry ingredients, switching between the three and mixing as you go. Knead the dough on a floured surface for ten minutes. Place in a greased bowl, cover with plastic wrap, and leave to rise for 40 minutes. Once risen, knead for another minute, then cut into 15 pieces. Having preheated the oven to 180°C, place on a baking tray, and rise for 30 minutes. If you want crosses, mix all ingredients together. Put in a clean plastic bag, and make a small hole in the bottom. Use this to pipe crosses onto the top of your buns. Bake until golden brown. If you wish to glaze the buns, boil the sugar and water together, then spoon over the cooked buns.

bacchus knows best

water into Wine

By Bacchus

Well, that delicious holiday Easter is upon us again. In the past (around the time a certain young man was hanging on the cross) wine was commonly used for cerimonial purposes as well as to open and expand our minds… Nowadays the bloody bottle store shuts down for two days! If you’re like me and have a slight paranoia that there’s a chance it may not open again, it pays to stock up. Last time we looked at some special bottles of wine around $15-$20; this time lets aim for two bottles at that price. The key here is going to be discounted specials, so instead of recommending specific deals let’s look at how to get the best bang for your buck. Looking to white wine options, Chardonnay, and to a lesser extent Pinot Gris, benefit from time in oak and other

ageing techniques which cost $$$. They can use cheaper and quicker ways to get a result, but it can lead to a cheap nasty wine and we want a cheap yet delicious one. If you’re on a budget you should focus mainly on Sauvignon Blanc as the high-intensity passionfruit and capsicum flavours develop while the grapes are still on the vine. Then all needs to be done is to pick them, ferment them, bottle the results, and put it on a shelf for me to buy. I may have simplified that a little, but you get the idea. There is a heap of wine coming out of Marlborough, so don’t be afraid of brands you’ve never heard of, chances are they are second labels of more prominent wineries which are trying to move excess juice. You can identify these guys as they usually have some bullshit on the label about a shell

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or plant in the region but don’t mention an estate specifically. Moving to red, I’m thinking we should steer clear of Pinot Noir—if you’re getting anything less than $8 you might as well mix red cordial, vodka and water together. In fact, it pains me to say this, but I almost think we should forget about New Zealand altogether as last year was diabolical for ripening big reds. While the Spanish always have good ripe reds, those big Aussie reds are just too easy and there are so many of them on the shelf. Give the Cabernet/ Merlots a miss and jump straight into a Shiraz: big, warm, round and plush flavours of plums, chocolate and black pepper. This could even be a match for a chocolate bunny on Easter Sunday.

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ARTS The Black Album Hanif Kureishi

books review

Simon Gennard

Set in 1989 against a backdrop of fear, aggression and anxiety, Hanif Kureishi's 1995 The Black Album skilfully explores a Britain in flux: Thatcher’s reign nearing its end, the Berlin Wall crumbling, the country continuing to reconcile itself with the collapse of empire. The novel’s title, taken from the eponymous Prince album, is emblematic of an American cultural imperialism taking hold in Britain, a shift Kureishi chooses to celebrate, while also examining the consequences of a growing heterogeneity among Britons. As a second-generation Pakistani-Brit, Shahid Hasan shares in this hybridity. Beginning the novel attending a subpar university, housed in a dormitory block "filled with Africans, Irish people, Pakistanis and even a group of English students" he soon meets the charismatic Riaz Al-Hussain, who employs Shahid as part of an anti-racism campaign turned fundamentalist group. Even from this first meeting, Riaz and the reader are able to see Shahid’s essential weakness as a character—his malleability.

Gone Girl Gillian Flynn

review

Henry Cooke

I don’t read enough thrillers. I get caught up in that whole “literary fiction versus genre fiction” narrative, and decide that I should be reading important books by important people: books with a higher purpose than simply entertaining. This is silly, and Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn manages to be a ridiculously addictive thriller, fizzing with both literary experimentation and social commentary. We start only knowing a few things for sure. Amy and Nick Dunne are married media professionals who both lost their swanky New York jobs during the recession, and have moved to Nick’s hometown in Missouri, buying a bar and renting a cheap mansion with Amy’s trust fund. Amy goes missing, and there are definite

Much of the novel is concerned with this flaw. When Shahid embarks on an affair with his Cultural Studies lecturer, Deedee Osgood, he begins a pattern of fluctuating between her hedonism and Riaz’s piety. Herein lies the book’s weakness. Deedee’s episodes of drug taking and descriptions of sex seem intent on being unconventional, eventually becoming distractions from the plot, and Riaz’s comrades sometimes become weak caricatures. This possesses none of the warm humour of Kureishi’s earlier works, at times he borders on facetiousness. Where the novel redeems itself is in bringing cultural intersections to the fore: Deedee’s late-second wave feminism creating a tendency to orientalise Shahid, an examination of the changing role of language and literature - framed by the Rushdie fatwa - and the impotence of the left in arguments over free speech and respect. Read in a post-9/11, post-Iraq context, The Black Album acts as a pertinent reminder of two decades of continued systematic alienation; an atmosphere in which identity is so fragile that hostility is allowed to ferment. It doesn’t have any answers to persisting post-colonial identity crises, but it illuminates a time and place close to our own, managing to eloquently discuss ideas often left unexplored.

signs of struggle. We begin the novel from Nick’s viewpoint; a protagonist who occasionally admits that he is lying to the police without specifying exactly what he is lying about. We soon switch to Amy, but Nick definitely isn’t the only one hiding things. It’s a cliché, but I can’t tell you more without ruining it. Gone Girl never breaks away from being a thriller for too long, but it does offer some boilerplate critiques of new media culture and “cool girls”. The critiques aren’t new, but Flynn brings her dynamic wit to these rants and the book is so well-paced that they barely register along the way. Many hated the ending, but I thought it closed the book well, taking what was only hinted at by the narrators to a satisfying conclusion.

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FILM Great Expectations

review

Director: Mike Newell Review by Gerald Lee

Adaptations of the works of Charles Dickens seem to come thick and fast these days, and it’s often hard to see what the latest version contributes to our understanding of these classic tales. Like so many others, the latest version to hit cinema screens, Mike Newell’s Great Expectations, fails to tread any new ground. The film comes off feeling flat, due to dubious plotting and an inability to capture Dickens’ inimitable tone. What the audience is left with is a mildly entertaining picture, but one that never truly connects with, or understands, the material it draws upon. For those unfamiliar with this English classic, Great Expectations traces the life of the orphan Pip, as he grows from the adopted son of a rural blacksmith, into a

London gentleman. However, in an effort to convey the book’s admittedly convoluted main plot, Great Expectations proceeds at a somewhat breathless pace, inundating the audience with information via seemingly endless flashback sequences. There isn’t any room for plot points to resonate, simply because each moment passes so quickly and becomes lost in an overwhelming tide of exposition. Not only is the film poorly paced, but despite cramming in an immense amount of information, it also fails to evoke the unique spirit of the novel. Dickens’s scathing social commentary is present but it’s often reduced to mere farce; a crass form of comedy rather than the book’s more nuanced satire. Additionally, the film’s bland design aesthetic exhibits none of the flair of Dickens’s prose. Iconic locations, such as Mr Wemmick’s ‘castle’, are mere shadows of their literary selves. Besides some stunning shots of the English marshes, the only real coup is Miss Havisham’s dilapidated mansion, which feels

appropriately twisted and forlorn, if slightly overdone. However, what keeps Great Expectations watchable is the breadth of talent within the acting ensemble. A cast of British luminaries breathes life into Dickens’s creations, delivering the meaty dialogue with relish. Helena Bonham Carter’s Miss Havisham is particularly memorable, perfectly conveying the callous, manipulative nature of the jilted bride. Unfortunately, Jeremy Irvine fares less well as the protagonist Pip. His wide-eyed, callow approach to the character means that Pip’s development never feels organic or believable, but merely forced by the script. And this flaw is indicative of Great Expectations as a whole. Try as he might, Newell’s rendition never feels like anything more than a contrived journey through a museum of classic scenes. Verdict: 2.5/5

Great Expectations

Samsara

review

Directed by Ron Fricke Reviewed by Thomas Palmer

Samsara, literally meaning “continuous flow”, is the repeating cycle of birth, life, death and rebirth within Hinduism, Buddhism, Bön, Jainism, Yoga and Taoism. For its filmic namesake, director Ron Fricke and producer Mark Magidson (of Baraka fame) reunite to “search for the elusive current of interconnection that runs through our lives”. With such beautifully shot, enigmatic images of the globe, Samsara is the

most magnificent piece of art at the cinema right now. Photographed entirely in 70 mm film, Samsara is a beautiful marriage between evocative cinematography and music. Despite its simplicity, a narrative of sorts emerges after about ten minutes, with single threads of seemingly disparate shots—from sacred congregations to wonders both man-made and natural—coming together to sew a very vivid tapestry. By relieving the film of a voice-over, Fricke removes Samsara from the traditional documentary genre and lets the audience interpret the

samsara ◄ ◄ • 38 • ►►

film as they will. By not telling us what we’re seeing, we’re left to decide for ourselves. This is where De Francisci’s haunting score prospers. It embellishes the images; it is a dialogue—telling you what to feel rather than what to think. As I write this, I’m still not sure if Samsara praises our evolving connection with the world and each other, or damns it. And that’s the true beauty of this film: the ambiguity of its message, and thus the scope it offers for interpretation. 4/ 5

ϟ• ARTS•ϟ

visual arts Believing in the Belief of Art

ARTICLE

Morgan Ashworth

The 19th Century architect Otto Wagner wrote that “it may be accepted as proven that art and artists have always represented their epoch”. This is easy to see—art and architecture are perhaps the easiest way of visually communicating a period of time—an image of the Great Pyramids compared to an image of Beijing’s Bird’s Nest automatically communicate a certain time era. However, while it may be easy to look at material and technique to date a work, buildings and art do more than to reflect the height of technology and skill of a time—they also provide an insight into the beliefs held by society at a given time. Wagner begins to touch upon this as he states that “great social changes have always given birth to new styles”. Style is often coupled with beauty and desire, and what is beautiful and desirable intrinsically stems from pre-existing conditions and environment.

I just want four walls and adobe slabs for Girls review

Philip McSweeney

The incendiary television show/contentious talking-point Girls has just concluded its second season in US time. For the sake of legalities, please assume that the author commutes between Wellington and New York and watched it according to HBO’s rules. This season has entrenched it as an episodic endeavour. Though there are overarching plotlines, they tend to get pushed to the periphery in order that more focus can be granted to characters and the nuances of their relationships. In many ways, Girls functions as a collection of vaguely related short stories (a la Winesburg, Ohio or Cannery Row) put to film than a television show proper – especially now the central characters are atomized from each other. The upshot of this is an inevitable disparity in quality throughout the episodes. To my mind, the season peaks in the middle with the strongest three-shotter in the shows short history (and indeed a trifecta of some of the best TV I’ve seen), ‘Bad Friend’, ‘It’s a Shame About Ray’ and the masterful (in my eyes, although some people loathe it so there you go) ‘One Man’s

In 1600s France when poverty and disease were rife, the golden gilt gates of the Palace of Versailles put up a visual defense against hunger and impoverishment. After the great fire of London, Christopher Wren’s The Monument was constructed to rise out of the ashes and served as a source of hope for the citizens of the time. These were examples that Wagner would have likely to have considered while writing Modern Architecture. What would have been interesting for him to see was how this trend progressed—while technology advanced greatly, our environments are still designed to serve as a backdrop to a life we want to live. As Modernism kicked in parallel to a score of new promises offered by science, art quickly began to reflect this. What would Rubens or Michelangelo have thought of the drastic absence in the paintings of Rothko and Mondrian? So what does today’s art say about our beliefs and values? What is lacking in our society and how is this being expressed through our art and architecture? While this varies from

Trash’. Honestly, there’s a lot of talk about Girls and bravery, but it takes some serious ovaries to feature a whole episode more or less exclusively with two characters, one of whom had just been introduced that episode. It’s understated and poignant; and although I’m no buff when it comes to directing techniques, even I can tell talented directing when I see it. The mise-enscéne was used effectively to isolate the two characters and present their loneliness without shoving it in your face. But really, all three episodes are witty and intricately-plotted. However, the season starts off slowly and peters off towards the end—a graphic plot of the season would look very much like a conventional bell curve, with some questionably dark twists and turns manifesting themselves in the later episodes. Specifically, the abrupt twist that Hannah has OCD felt contrived and even exploitative—though it’s refreshing to see real treatment of mental disorders on mainstream television, it is handled in rather a melodramatic way. The sex is just as awkward and occasionally horrible, and though nothing resonates with the same honesty and realism as that one-night stand in the first season did (honestly, the most realistic depiction of a one-night stand I’ve ever seen tbh) the second season does offer the first cumshot ever aired on mainstream television I believe. It’s not hot; it comes after a bleak and brutal sexual experience which will make you blanche more ◄ ◄ • 39 • ►►

person to person, country to country, there is an overall contradictive coupling of regularity and material abundance. The result is a desire for the raw and unfussy, and so has given rise to renewed popularity in hardwood floors, Herschel backpacks and film cameras. An art piece I would also include in this group is Florentijin Hofman’s five-storey high rubber duck. Simply called Rubber Duck, since 2009 it has swum through cities like Osaka, London, Sydney and Auckland, being warmly received all over the world. With his giant inflatable duck, Hofman seeks to bring people together, to loosen the emotions strung from modern routine. There have even been instances where the duck has brought people to tears! So is the Rubber Duck the embodiment of the current human condition? Is it the Sistine Chapel, the Mona Lisa, the Son of Man, of our time? Most would say no, but perhaps Wagner would think differently—in the uniform seas of traffic, of concerns with overpopulation, of global warming, of violence, in a very simple way a giant rubber duck does in fact represent what we as a society ultimately want believe in—an unfussy form of happiness.

than it arouses. Business as usual in some areas then, but some exciting changes in others. And, more than anything else, I can’t wait to see what Dunham does for us next. There is a wealth of creative potential and innovation on display here; when she harnesses it to its fullest, it will be a sight to behold. Watch this space.

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MUSIC Lorde-ing it Up

review

Elise Munden

I’m always childishly overjoyed when I hear of a female holding her own in the music industry. Lorde doesn’t just hold her own; she pulls a giant middle finger at her competition.

lorde

With the airwaves becoming increasingly clogged with homemade electronic beats and sub-par remixes of ‘212’, this Auckland youngster (16 years’ worth of youngster-ness) is truly refreshing. Ever since she was recorded singing in a school talent quest as a 13-year-old, Universal Records have been all up in her jam, providing her with the ca$h money, production team, and just enough hype to keep her on the indie music radar without (as of yet) cramping her style in the pop music scene. The Love Club EP has been circulating the internet for a while now, but was finally released on iTunes on March 8. Lorde’s (a.k.a. Ella’s) sound is familiar yet unique. So many people fail to achieve the aesthetic of layered vocal tracks over thin instrumentation that I’d almost given up on the gimmick. Fortunately, Lorde’s voice is mature, soulful and generous. It fills out what would otherwise be

Netsky at Hunter Lounge

review

Chris McIntyre

netsky

Netsky, the crowning jewel of the YES! A Mini Festival—run simultaneously with O-Week by the Hunter Lounge—was nearly over before it began. Sound issues (a vital piece of equipment was broken en route from the South Island) meant the doors didn’t open until 10.30pm, two and a half hours after scheduled. Netsky was rescheduled to 11pm and the support acts dropped or curtailed, all while a sellout crowd waited on Mount St. Standing inside, looking over the angry hordes crowded around the entrance (80 per cent of whom were pulling the fingers at us) Hunter Lounge management told Salient that Netsky had been “great” through the dramas. It was hard not to sympathise with a management team which did all it could to make the show work in shit circumstances. Lacking any sympathy were the poor souls waiting outside, pinging up to the eyeballs. At least it wasn’t raining. These were 1000 people who “fucken love some Netsky, bro”. Earlier in the day Netsky fucken ◄ ◄ • 40 • ►►

hollow tracks; a necessary feat to keep the listener engaged in tender songs such as ‘Biting Down’, and to provide the swagger needed for ‘Bravado’ and ‘Million Dollar Bills’. Her most well-known song, ‘Royals’, makes the basic verse-chorus structure sound ridiculously good. She is smart about the lyrical content of each section, piecing each part together in an orderly and eloquent fashion rather than just throwing in a pre-chorus for the hell of it. While she relies rather heavily on the verse-chorus structure throughout the EP, it’s great to hear the opening track veering from this norm. As for the lyrics, they too are ridiculously good. They emit strong hip-hop vibes without making her sound pretentious and/or self-deprecating (an odd combination which rappers somehow manage to achieve). I can defs see the phrase “We’re driving Cadillacs in our dreams” becoming an anthem for her followers. Overall, the entire EP has a confidence which well belies Lorde’s years, and suggests she has more up her sleeves. And dammit—I really wanna get drunk with her. 4.5/5

loved them back, as they were seen on campus taking photos with students. This openness went AWOL during the show, with all crowd interaction left to the hypeman and his canned banter. Example: “I don’t think you’re ready to party!”. I’m not joking. If you know Netsky and care about the songs he played, you were there. If you don’t, imagine some heady basslines overlaid with melancholic synths, and some large drops. The Netsky live show benefited from the drummer and keyboardist, leading to a powerful sonic experience. Sadly, the only real change throughout the hour-long set was the genre of which each song was derivative. As a set it lacked any real coherence, but the masses didn’t care. Any slow spots were made up for by the sheer volume of drops, and the seething mass of a mosh pit which, from my vantage point on the balcony, literally pulsed and flowed with the beat—picture a washing machine of sweaty drunks. For all my criticisms of the show, I can’t get across to you how well it was received. As I left, no fewer than four fights broke out and the punters lapped up every one. This gig was aimed at the middle, and the middle absolutely loved it.

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theatre Interview with Alix bushnell INTERVIEW

Written by: Diana Russell Interview by: Diana Russell & Sinead Gage

Alix Bushnell talks to Salient Theatre Editor Diana Russell about returning to study at Victoria and life after Go Girls. Bubbly and ever-charming, Bushnell has one of those contagious personalities. Five minutes with her and she’ll make you feel as though you’ve been friends for years—when in fact you’re little more than strangers. Just as personable face-to-face as her alter-ego Britta McMann, it’s certainly no surprise she landed the role in TVNZ’s quirky Go Girls back in 2008. With Alix’s final season on Go Girls all wrapped up, she’s now heading into the next chapter of her life and studying a BA in Theatre and English Literature here at Victoria University. Bushnell never finished drama school because she was cast in Go Girls halfway through her third year. “I decided now was a pretty good time to take a year out and finish my undergrad. I’ve managed to cross-credit my prior study that I’d done at Toi Whakaari, the drama school around the corner.” Go Girls was a big part of Bushnell’s 20s: “I’m really privileged to have had that opportunity.

How lucky am I? Really flippin’ lucky! I feel really grateful”. She says that while working on the series, she had little time in her life for anything else. On a show like Go Girls you’re filming anywhere between seven and thirteen minutes of screen time a day—which is about 12 pages of dialogue to learn a night. “Really, it’s almost as though you’ve got to have the horse’s blinkers on, and this is what you’re doing, and you go after it 110 per cent.” After living and breathing the all-consuming acting lifestyle for the past five years, getting up at the crack of dawn and working 70-hour weeks, Bushnell says she is now ready to take a step back. “I’m auditioning for other productions and I’m keeping available to it, but I also want to make sure that things in my own life have a really solid foundation, so I want to get the undergrad done because that’s going to allow me other career opportunities.” Bushnell credits Victoria’s wide range of papers and the corresponding greater potential to expand as one of her reasons for choosing to transfer to Victoria, instead of returning to Toi. She feels she’s taken a lot away from her time studying at Toi, as well as attributing a great deal of learning to on-the-job experience and her peers. “It was a big learning curve. I think that’s true of any profession—not just acting—in that you learn through doing. You can only learn that much, through doing and actually jumping into the deep end.” Currently, Bushnell says she’s looking forward to a different type of learning.

◄ ◄ • 41 • ►►

“I can do some business papers here as well, so there is more opportunity to branch out and get a wider scope of education.” It shouldn’t come as a surprise that nearly any university major other than Theatre offers up a much more lucrative and competitive graduate salary as such, and although Alix is living, breathing proof that studying drama in New Zealand can pave the way for a career in New Zealand television, she advises: “You do need a bread-and-butter job. The reality is, in New Zealand there really isn’t enough work for you to rely on that alone.” Bushnell, characteristically describes her favourite part of the acting job to “the friendships you make and the people you meet and the real connections you make.”

 ϟ puzzles ϟ 

PUZZLES "NICKNAMES" - difficulty: HARD

44. British PM Clement 45. They might tell doctors to pull the plug 49. Four quarters 50. Actor Jeremy 51. Type of sex that's not for beginners 52. Tack on 53. 310, to Caesar 54. Creepy feeling 57. Colour theory artist Paul 58. It's after dawn, to a poet 59. “In ____” (Nirvana album) 60. Gets solid, like jelly 61. Drunkards 62. Martini's partner DOWN

ACROSS 1. 2007 Michael Moore documentary 6. “Major Barbara” playwright 10. “Slip, slop, ____” 14. How Santa dresses 15. Opponent of 27-Down 16. Part of a scale 17. They might have extra charges for mobiles 19. Shakespeare's river 20. Burro 21. Jai ___ (Basque sport)

22. Devil 23. Yankovic and Franken 24. They live out in the sticks 26. Miami heat superstar James 28. Cleans with a dry cloth 29. He should say “I do” 30. What Sherlock Holmes' “game” was 33. Reddish ornamental flowers that may have medicinal properties 38. Where you'd go shooting 39. Nodded off 41. Spicy cuisine

1. Short drink 2. Ones who snort 3. Weapon that the ballista developed from 4. Companions for Barbies 5. Praising poem 6. Pig feed 7. Legit, per Islamic law 8. Speak off the cuff 9. “Scream” director Craven 10. Specimens for escargot 11. “Cockiness (_____)” (Rihanna song) 12. Makes up for 13. Is unsettled, like a patent 18. NZ murder suspect David 22. They blow in orchestras 23. Math class, for short 24. Barry Bonds has hit the most 25. Winner of a TV talent show 27. Opponent of 15-Across

30. Bristle on wheat or rye 31. Leaf from Genesis 32. Flamenco dancing cry 34. Zesty taste 35. It's often used with Ctrl and Del 36. Tunes 37. They lay out bucks 40. Peg for a golfer 41. Put a ring on it? 42. Wading bird 43. Causes bad luck for 44. “____ want for Christmas...” 45. Enjoys a Cornetto 46. Shout of exultation 47. Not moving 48. Their clippings can get composted 52. The 'A' in 'SATB' 54. If they're registered, their symbol is an R in a 41-Down 55. Norse war instrument 56. “___ Married an Axe Murderer” (Myers movie)

ISSUE 03 SOLUTION

Quiz 1. What is the Oscar statuette holding? 2. Which part of the human body contains the most gold? 3. Prior to the February 2011 Christchurch earthquake, where and when did the most recent fatal earthquake in New Zealand take place? 4. In Somalia in 1972, the first-ever what was created? 5. Bentley Drummle is a character in which Dickens novel?

Sudoku 6. What is the name of the 68th sura in the Qur'an?

difficulty: medium

7. Which prominent political figure was assassinated by her own bodyguards? 8. What was the first track on the album Spice? 9. Irishman Stephen Roche won which sporting event in 1987? 10. What are the only two doubly landlocked countries in the world (i.e. completely surrounded by other landlocked countries)?

1984), 8. 'Wannabe', 9. The Tour de France, 10. Liechtenstein and Uzbekistan. Expectations, 6. Al-Qalam (The Pen), 7. Then Prime Minister of India Indira Gandhi (in people killed), 4. A standardised writing system for the Somali language, 5. Great ANSWERS:1. A sword, 2. The toenails, 3. West Coast of the South Island, May 1968 (three

letters escape & CROSSWORD by puck — ANSWERS NEXT ISSUE ◄ ◄ • 42 • ►►

 ϟ puzzles ϟ 

Pun the Nonbeliever

Target

o s i

difficulty: medium

To complete the sentence in the puzzle, figure out which letter corresponds to which numbered dash. Each letter matches with the number of triangles, large and small, in the diagram next to it. For example, the triangle marked ‘P’ has two triangles in it (one large and one small), so the letter ‘P’ goes on any dash marked ‘2’.

e i l r g u

BIRTHDAY PRESENCE SOLUTION FROM LAST WEEK: Jason Segel – 'How

I Met Your Mother' actor Peter Mark Roget – Thesaurus maker Katey Sagal – 'Futurama' star

Martin Bashir – Journalist David Lynch – Director Jack Nicklaus - Golfer Emma Bunton – Spice Girls member

Robert E Lee – Civil War leader Edith Wharton Author

YEAR LONG PUZZLE: 4. Rearrange TRICHINOSIS into a word describing a series of high-pitched shrieks (11)

difficulty: easy

difficulty: medium

◄ ◄ • 43 • ►►

difficulty: hard

SALIENT ♥ YOU

letters Letter of the

week

win a $10 voucher for the hunter lounge contact editor@salient.org. nz to claim your prize!

preach Dear Bilient, I was at the Marriage Equality 2nd reading. It was rad. There were queer babes everywhere and most MPs were talking about delivering equality for gays and lesbians…and sometimes bisexuals. The entirety of the debate mentioned the dirty "bi" word three times. Thanks Matt in Bent for discussing this sad fact. It's not just MPs who are (maybe) subconsciously prejudiced. I am constantly asked when I'm going to "go all the way" and come out as gay. I might. I don't really know. But it's not your place to dictate to me what I am and want to keep me in a tidy box. Some guys are babes. Some girls are babes. Stop telling me I can only prefer intertwining my bits with one. Yours, Angry bi.

more like lepre-con What the fuck happened to leprechauns? So I was shuffling down cuba today when this freaky ass critter in a vomit inducing green and orange jumpsuit approached me. He was waving his fucked up elephantitis hands all about like he’d just shelved some speed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for celebrating the riddance of snakes. But c’mon people, lets keep these impersonating mongaloids where they belong- the circus and/or the sewer pipes. Anyway, Lucky for that mofo im ¼ irish so I knew what was up, or else that munchkin mugger woulda got turnt up! Shawty B

do you mean huge!? By the way, Salient rocks! Oh, and can the 2nd and 3rd year students pipe down about us first years, we are so not that bad....... we just all join the "im fucked cos i lost my virginity" club.

"leading university publication"

i want what she's on

Dear Women's Daylient, Although the Dominion Post's Capital Day may be interested in which member of One Direction is Grant Robertson's favorite (Dom Post 15/3/2013) - I think you do the 22,000 strong student body and Grant Robertson a disservice by neglecting the opportunity to address current and significant political issues - Marriage Equality, Asset Sales, Student bus fares, Mighty River Power… Since quality journalism is hard to come by in the Dominion Post, the opportunity for a leading university publication to interview the Deputy Leader of the Opposition is invaluable. While there is a time and a place for light entertainment, I feel this was a wasted opportunity, and hope that in the future, Salient will respect the intelligence of it's devoted readers, and it's own journalistic responsibilities. Sincerely,Hopeful

Dear Carla Your article, 'Leave those kids Alone' is pointing out that times are tough, but when have they not been? Human life is a struggle but it is the way we deal with it that speaks to our abilities. Wellington has so much to offer us- just look at your fellow journalist producing all this great material for Salient, putting themselves out there, and making a difference- being active. I think you ought to give them more credit then playing 'Angry Birds' for another round. Let us get our confidence back! You said, 'We look at our student loans, and prospect of a huge mortgage'- Not all of us do, in fact I came to university and made a choice to get a student loan- and although I may believe Education ought of be free- I am not carrying around this choice and making it the reason my future is not what I ◄ ◄ • 44 • ►►

want it to be-and I am not feeling the burden of a possible mortgage, I do not have to have a mortgage. Some believe they are the means of en slaving people into jobs they don't like. I personally think my future is looking great- the day when I wake up and can't put a Billie Holiday record on- then I'll know I'm in trouble. Nina

someone doesn't get our joke. again. Dear Salient, I refer to ‘Ha! Gaaaaay!’ from Vol. 76, issue 03. Whether Sofia Roberts is serious or has her tongue firmly in cheek, Major blow to heterosexual marriage as bill passes second reading is not an appropriate sub-heading for an article describing the second reading of Louisa Wall’s Marriage (Definition of Marriage) Amendment Bill, especially when said article appears in the News section of your publication! I must ask Ms. Roberts if she is aware that her quip, be it light-hearted or sincere, represents the view held by many of those who are against the bill. In other words, does Ms. Roberts realise that certain New Zealanders believe signing Ms. Wall’s bill into law would somehow devalue ‘heterosexual marriage’? While I am unable to speak for the queer community as a whole, I would like to think that if I, personally, were to marry, it would be for a better reason than wanting to issue a defiant “Fuck you!” to the vast majority of my fellow countrymen. Yours in disgust, Cruz Johnson SALIENT RESPONSE: Dear Cruz Thank you for your letter. We thought we should clarify a few points you raised: Sofia Roberts was the author of the piece but was not responsible for the titles. All of our features and news stories are titled and sub-titled by a team of staff and volunteers in the office. As you may have noticed, these often feature puns or are "tongue in cheek", as you have pointed out. The subtitle of the piece was an allusion to one of the many (in our opinion) ridiculous

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letters arguments raised in opposition of gay marriage. A story the week before about the Select Committee's endorsement of the Bill, for example, was entitled "Slippery Slope Well Lubricated". It is not the opinion of the editors, nor anyone in the office who helped to craft the titles, that the passing of the Bill at the Second Reading is indeed a blow to heterosexual marriage. We firmly support marriage equality. We hope that this has cleared the issue up for you. Kind regards, Molly McCarthy & Stella Blake-Kelly.

real talk Yo fellow Vic students. Pls don't hog a computer and then leave it for an hour while there are queues of ppl waiting for computers. RUDE!!

4th year reich Chur salient 4th year has rolled around far to quickly and some things just never change. O-week has voluntarily turned itself into O-month yet again. The skirts continue to get shorter. Studylink has now become a rabbi because it is fully Jewish and Garry Tansley still possess the talent of being a cunt, yet making you feel down right peachy about it. Not to say I haven’t enjoyed my University experience because I have, just possibly for the wrong reasons. I think I have a group of friends to satisfy all of my vices now. I come to campus to check out the new talent strolling around and may I say girls, what a year for the ass-men among us – kudos. I now work in a bar to “support my studies” and because shit, I might as well get paid if i'm going to hang out in one. But hopefully this is the year I’ll make the folks proud and pass and before I go I’d really like to see some of the old school, the ‘pre pc’ behaviour and what we’ve lost along the way. My old man told me tales of graduating pranks like letting loose boxes full of chickens in the law library to celebrate. Do we not do that shit anymore? Is a half-ass Harlem Shake the best we could muster? Surely we can restore some heritage. Sincerely

Just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.

all hail the mollyarchy and stellarchy Dear Ollient, I was thrilled to see that, contrary to popular belief, Mr. Neas was not left to die in a pit of first years after the end of his stint as Editor. I do hope that his marvellous article about the perils of technological treachery was not a one-off. I expect to see much more of his escapades in the future. And if you don't do it, the Yolocaust will surely descend. Sincerely, (Probably not even) Ollie's favourite cousin.

-emojiis go hereDear lovely Salient, I'm not going to flatter you with hyperboles. You're not the best magazine in the world. However, you are quite nice to read while procrastinating and sitting on the new geometric furniture in the library. I swear that stuff is not designed to be used while studying - the rock hard couches and the tables are at a really impractical height for anything education related, and I'll develop some serious back injury far before finishing my essay (or this letter). Ugh. As if the gaudy colours weren't enough. Who designs furniture in pea soup green? Anyway, the actual reason for this letter is to ask you to put more images in your magazine! Drawings, cartoons, photos - there are more than enough creative students surely. Hit them up and you won't have to work extra. My tutorial readings are long enough; all I want is to be entertained while putting in the minimal amount of effort. That's the way of the future, right? Much love xx

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succintlient Dear I-made-this-pointlessly-longlient Today I found out that all my shoes have holes in them, which proved rather troublesome during my daily walk to Uni as water was literally falling from the sky at a rate that could be compared to metaphorical cats and dogs... I hope the original saying was metaphorical as it would be quite alarming seeing cats and dogs fall to their death. Actually, a few cats wouldn't be too bad as I've decided that cats can suck a bag of dicks (metaphorical again, as if you possessed a literal bag of dicks the police would probably want to know where you got them from) ever since our cat decided to repurpose my room as a toilet (which if kept up, it really will become a flat cat. Geddit?) Anyway, short story long after walking five minutes my socks were soaked that every time I took a step I was listening to a symphony in squelch minor. It's ok, I read on the internet that bitches love squelching. Anyway, hope you gained some insight from my letter such as don't carry round a bag of dicks or that the sound of squelching is nature’s greatest aphrodisiac, but most importantly is DON'T be a cheap bastard and buy $20 shoes. Your dry socks throughout the day in the coming Autumn and Winter months will thank you for it. Lots of love, Stop wasting your fucking time reading letters and get a head start on your essay

quit. Dear Pimp-lient. I’ve got a problem. As the years go by, our fees keep getting higher, the music in Hope Bros keeps getting louder, and the goddamn freshers keep looking younger. How is a brother meant to pull chicks on the Overbridge if he can barely tell if they’re out of middle school? Now I’ve been told that it might be time to move on. Maybe I should find people my own age. But it’s just not the same. There’s nothing like having a first-year girl take you to Shot Shack or belting out the latest Tyler Swift song to make you feel young again. What do you suggest I do, Salient? Should

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I quit this admittedly pathetic expedition, or do you know any lonely first year babes who are single and ready to mingle? With love, Lost and Looking for (legal) Love xo Patricia Walsh

didn't your mum tell you about the sock monster? So...... Legit question, why does the washing machine keep eating my socks? For that matter why do my water proof boots let the rain in making my need for fresh socks a constant thing. Oh for those days last week that made me forget all about Wellingtons horizontal rain. Please give back my socks washing machine.

coke heads are at it again I am writing to express my deep concerns over the exclusion of Pepsi in mainstream beverage buying facilities on campus. Almost all vending machines on this fine campus are covered in Coca-Cola propaganda. Today, as I sought out my Pepsi treat, I found my heart sinking further with each machine I caught sight of. The ghastly red and white screamed it's dominance to the world. Where can I find Pepsi and Mountain Dew without leaving the confines of this fine facility? Certainly near the ECS areas; Pepsi and Mountain Dew are the sustenance of computer peoples. But alas, there was naught to be found. I am declaring a Coca-Cola conspiracy on this campus. We must fight the man and bring back Pepsi! Viva La Pepsi! Sincerely, I Just Want Some Fucking Pepsi.

beattie's back, tell yo frenz Hey Sey (lient), Where's Beattie? Where's Hilary Beatties article? Has she died or something? Left uni and found a real life/job/writing

post? What am I supposed to do without her anxty article to talk me through monday mornings. Heartbroken in disrepair, Hilz#1Fan P.s Love the cats, miss the sass. Response: Hai! I appreciate that, and am (a) still alive (b) still at uni and (c) still so fucking alone. I Miss the attention—I may yet return. Best, Hilary

NOTICES international socialist organisation Public Meeting: The Arab Spring - two years on. This meeting looks at the results and prospects of the Arab revolutions two years on. 6.30PM, Tuesday, 29 March, SU219, Student Union Building. All Welcome! Hosted by the International Socialist Organisation www.iso.org.nz; contact@iso.org.nz

VIC OE - vic student exchange programme Why not study overseas as part of your degree?! Earn Vic credit, get Studylink & grants, explore the world! A must do while at Vic! Weekly seminars on Wednesdays, Level 2, Easterfield Building, 12.50pm Email: VicOE@vuw.ac.nz Website: http://victoria.ac.nz/exchange

Visit us: Level 2, Easterfield Building Drop-in hours: Mon & Tues 9-12, Wed-Fri 10-12

cleaner avaliable Thinking about having a party but don't want to deal with the aftermath? Filthy flat but can’t be bothered cleaning? Reliable cleaner available! Email con.sin.gage@gmail.com

Business club The Business and Investment Club invites you to the second seminar of the Investment Academy on Monday 25th March 4pm @ SU218 (just below Hunter Lounge). This crash-course on financial markets will give you basic understanding of stock market investments. Agenda: basic investment strategies, most common investment mistakes, model portfolios, how to read annual reports and valuate companies. More information at http://www.bic.org.nz/ investment-academy.

VUW Digital Histories Conference Come and give a ten minute presentation at the VUW Digital Histories Conference! Spots are available for all students at 300-level in the humanities and social science departments (e.g. history, sociology, media studies, politics and international relations). The theme is “Digital Histories of War and Witnessing: Challenges of New Media”, which encapsulates the challenges posed to and by social media in the representation and witnessing of war, violence, atrocity, genocide, and so forth. Abstracts of 200 words in length are required, of which the deadline for is 01/05/2013. Information and contact details can be found at the conference blog: victoriadigitalhistories. wordpress.com.

SALIENT LETTERS POLICY 2013 Salient welcomes, encourages, and thrives on public debate – be it serious or otherwise – through its letters pages. Write about anything you like: Beyoncé, puppies, or the metaphysics of space-time. Send us love mail, send us hate mail, send us party invites. We want it all. Letters must be received before 12pm on the Wednesday for publication the next week. Letters must be no longer than 250 words. Pseudonyms are fine, but all letters must include your real name, address and telephone number, these will not be printed. Please note that letters will not be corrected for spelling or grammar.The Editor reserves the right to edit, abridge or decline any letters without explanation. Letters can be sent to: Email: letters@salient.org.nz Post: Salient, c/- Victoria University of Wellington Hand-delivered: the Salient office, Level 3, Student Union Building (behind the Hunter Lounge)

Notices Policy: Salient provides a free notice service for all Victoria students, VUWSA-affiliated clubs not-for-profit organisations. Notices should be received by 5pm Tuesday the week before publication. Notices must be fewer than 100 words. For-profit organisations will be charged $15 per notice. Send notices to editor@salient.org.nz with 'Notice' in the subject line.

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VBC

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Raw Comedy 6pm ($15)

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An Hero Album Release Show! Mr Sterile Assembly, Fantails & Preop (Burgundy Room) The Troubles 8pm (free!)

Hollywoodfun Downstairs 8pm (free!)

puppies

sat 30

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thurs 28

Good Friday Party 12am (free!)

Samuel F. Scott & The Bunnies 8pm ($20) Stanton Warriors (UK) 3pm ($20)