THE offensive? issue
MONDAY 15TH APRIL 2013 VOL 76 ISSUE 06
E I L N A T S 1938
An Organ of Student Opinion Since 1938
“
"Surrounded by satanic iconography, the nun is knelt upon the ground, naked (apart from a habit), and is pleasuring herself. On the back, written large and clear, is the phrase: 'Jesus is a cunt'."
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consider the nun, Censorship: Protecting us from ourselves? - page 18
GOOD CUNTS Editors: Stella Blake-Kelly & Molly McCarthy editor@salient.org.nz Designer: Laura Burns designer@salient.org.nz News Editor: Chris McIntyre news@salient.org.nz Chief Reporter: Phillipa Webb
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Ngai Tauira, Lydia Nobbs, Ellen O'DwyerCunliffe, Pasifika Students' Council, Sofia Roberts, Carlo Salizzo, Gemma Swan, Nick Truebridge, Julia Wells, Molly Woods
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consider the nun, Censorship: Protecting us from ourselves? 20
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4 editorial
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30 vuwsa ngai tauira pasifika
feminism i love 32 you (but you're things that go bump in bringing me down) the night secret diary
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Probing the fixing your life Punters: The Offensive? Edition 34 24
SAlient readership survey 26
cunt, the last bastion of bad?
laying down the law weekly rant
35 hoopin' and hollerin'
36 food & drink
28
About us
Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University P.O. Box 600. Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766 Email: editor@salient.org.nz Website: salient.org.nz Twitter: @salientmagazine Facebook: facebook.com/salientmagazine
Salient is produced by independent student journalists, employed by, but editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students' Association (VUWSA). Salient is a member of, syndicated and supported by the Aoteroa Student Press Association (ASPA). Salient is funded by Victoria Univeristy of Wellington students, through the Student Services Levy. It is printed by APN Print of Hastings. Opinions
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expressed are not necessarily representative of ASPA, VUWSA, APN Print, the ghost of Margaret Thatcher, Men's Rights Activists, but we of Salient are proud of our beliefs and take full responsibility for them.
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Casually racist Grandmas everywhere
EDITORIAL
Edi*****L
Stella and Molly are friends with not only their mothers, but also their grandmothers on Facebook. A bold move, and one that’s not really convention amongst the youth—because you wouldn’t want them to see the antics you get up to, would you? Whether it’s your eyebrowraising outfits, jokes about sexual exploits, photos of your intoxicated self with a dick drawn on your face—there’s a veritable minefield of Facebook posts that could offend Mum and Grandma. From their perspective, us yoof are pretty loose cunts. As a generation, it takes a shit load to offend us. We're used to cum shots on prime-time TV, curse words dropped casually through every fucking sentence—not to mention premarital sex, drunk sex, stranger sex, gay sex, sex, high Emergency Contraceptive Pill usage, high dress hemlines, being high... But far from bringing about the destruction of society, this loosening of “morals” has also brought about a lot of good—desensitising ourselves to sex and drugs allows us to speak openly and sensibly about these “taboos”. As a generation, we can be thankful for easy and safe access to contraception, sexual health check-ups, drug and alcohol counselling—not to mention the ability for young people to follow their biological imperative and get their freak on
molly
without the risk of being vilified for it. We are offended when someone disrespects that which we hold dear. What our mothers and grandmothers take offense to is what they perceive to be a loss of values— our generation’s failure to be polite, respect authority, and conform to their expectations of how we should behave. We have grown up in a different era, but while we might be pretty hard to offend, we are not an offenseless generation. It’s not that we’re less offended by things, just different things—as the things that society values change, so too do the things that society is offended by. Things that the older generation wouldn’t have batted an eyelid about get us pretty riled up too. It’s better to drop a casual ‘cunt’ than be casually racist; it’s better to be proud of your frequent, consensual, casual bangs than to ever, EVER think that a rape joke is okay, and frankly, we’re pretty proud of across the board youth support of the Marriage Equality Bill. So you aren’t happy with the way we’re behaving? Well it’s a two way street, and we find your views offensive. That being said, it’s a worry what our grandchildren will think of us.
& stella
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ug
ho rt
ons I Won't as Be Re
top ten
en pT To
An Offens iv ng e oi D
ca
u lo rlo salizzo - @
d
e
10 Student media is no place for frivolity
9 I wish to be employed someday
8 To offend the editors
7 Also, the long title will greatly piss off the designer, as will this much-laboured and overlong point
6 This is meta as hell
5 Read the Salient Wikipedia page
4 All these inside jokes must be killing you
3 I'm sick of baiting atheists
2 It's about time I jumped the shark
1 I couldn't think of one
BY SAM NORTHCOTT
♦ NEWS ♦
NEWs
Fuck you. news@salient.org.nz
VICTORIOUS!
Auckland and Otago kindly invited to suck our Vic. Chris McIntyre
Students at Victoria can truly claim to be getting amongst the best, with the University confirmed as New Zealand’s most researchintensive last week. The latest quality evaluation of the Performance-Based Research Fund (PBRF) shows that Victoria is the highest-ranked in New Zealand for research quality. As a result, the University will see an increase in PBRFbased funding. Victoria has 678 staff actively involved in research. Of these, 70 per cent are rated A or B, the two highest levels of quality. In addition, Victoria ranks first or second in 24 subject areas, an increase from 11 in 2006. The first PBRF quality evaluation took place in 2003; Victoria ranked fifth. At the most recent evaluation in 2006, Victoria ranked fourth behind Otago, Auckland and Canterbury universities. In 2013, Auckland, Otago and Canterbury ranked second to fourth respectively. Evaluations are intended to take place every six years. In 2009, the University Council looked to improve research quality. Goal One of the University’s Strategic Plan is to dramatically improve research performance, a goal which concerns every staff member and which will be achieved through staff development. “... Staff have been very focused on achieving this. That commitment has certainly paid off and we are very proud of what we have accomplished,” said Vice-Chancellor Pat Walsh. Salient spoke to Assistant Vice-Chancellor (Research) Charles Daugherty, who emphasised the role of academic and non-academic staff alike in supporting each other with research objectives. “The only way we could have achieved this result is by everyone working towards it,” said Daugherty.
“There was across the board improvement [since 2006] and some of it was quite extraordinary.” Tertiary Education Commission Chief Executive Tim Fowler believes that the results benefit more than just the University’s bottom line. “This result is ... good news for students, as research plays an important role in supporting teaching, especially at the postgraduate level,” says Mr Fowler. Daugherty also drew a strong link between research quality and teaching, with the former improving the latter, given the role it has in creating new knowledge. The full report can be found at tec.govt.nz.
Victoria came top in: Biomedical Chemistry Communications, Journalism and Media Studies Computer Science, Information Technology, Information Sciences Design Earth Sciences Ecology, Evolution and Behaviour Economics English Language and Literature History, History of Art, Classics and Curatorial Studies Human Geography Music, Literary Arts and Other Arts Physics Political Science, International Relations and Public Policy Psychology Sociology, Social Policy, Social Work, Criminology & Gender Studies Theatre and Dance, Film, Television and Multimedia. 6
What is the PBRF? The Performance-Based Research Fund, or PBRF, was introduced by the last Labour Government as a response to the previous ‘bums-on-seats’ approach to tertiary-education funding. It incentivises universities to focus on research. Based on certain indicators, universities are ranked and given a corresponding level of Government funding. The current value of the fund is approximately $250 million per year, which will rise to $300 million per year in 2016. The share each institution receives is based on three measures: quality evaluation (60 per cent), research-degree completions (25 per cent), and external research funding (15 per cent). PBRF funding makes up 15 per cent of total Government funding to universities. Quality evaluations are undertaken every six years, and research degrees completions and external research income averages taken every three years. Universities have been known to ‘work the system’, responding to incentives within the rules using staffing contracts.
♦ NEWS ♦
Get Amongst the Asbestos Is the University doing asbestos they can? Phillipa Webb & Chris McIntyre
Students at Weir House are not only sharing a roof with each other, but also with the potentially deadly building material asbestos. The University confirmed last week to Salient that there is evidence of asbestos at Weir, and that action will be taken to remove it. Weir House is a first-year hall run by the University, with over 300 student residents. Asbestos, commonly used as insulation and fireproofing, has been identified around parts of the pipework in the plant room. The University has downplayed the discovery of the potentially deadly substance. “The asbestos presents no danger to residents or staff at Weir House, and there is no cause for concern,” she said. If unstable, asbestos dust particles can cause serious health issues, including lung cancer, and is more likely to affect people with weaker lungs, such as smokers. Physical disruptions such as earthquakes can cause dispersal of the deadly particles. Removing asbestos also destabilises and releases the particles. Bentley says that the University is in the process of employing a contractor to remove the asbestos, and expect this work to be completed by the end of May. She assured Salient that the University carries out all procedures according to the New Zealand Guidelines for the
Management and Removal of Asbestos, as well as all relevant health-and-safety laws. According to the guidelines, removal is not the only option when asbestos is found in a building. If the product is in a stable condition, no further action except containment may be needed. Although the guidelines also state that property owners should “inform tenants of the presence of asbestos and of any action relating to it that may become necessary,” when Salient went to print Weir House management had not informed residents of the asbestos issue. One resident Salient spoke to said some areas in the hall are out of bounds for residents, but he was not aware of any asbestos problem. “Some areas are locked at night, like the laundry, but the only places that are banned are the balconies and the roof cavity.” Former Weir House residents told Salient they would have preferred to know about any possible risks associated with the building. “We paid a lot of money to live there, and as paying residents, we should be kept fully informed about where we’re living.” A certified asbestos-removal specialist Salient spoke to said the cost of removing asbestos is calculated on a case-by-case basis, and can cost anywhere from $100 to $10,000, depending on the area and amount of asbestos.
What is asbestos? Asbestos describes a group of natural minerals composed of many small fibres. Why is it used? Asbestos is a durable and resilient material, strongly resistant to heat, fire and chemicals. From 1940 onwards, it was widely used in a wide range of building materials. Spraying asbestos on ceiling beams in the 1970s was common, and people often admired the sparkling shimmer of the material. Asbestos use continued until the 1980s, when health risks were discovered. How dangerous is it? A number of diseases are caused by inhaling asbestos particles, which can carry through the air. Asbestosis (scarring of lung tissue), mesothelioma (tumours and cancers which develop in and around the lungs and intestines), pleural plaques (the thickening of membranes around the lungs), and lung cancer, are all caused by inhaling fine asbestos dust. Is there a safe level? There is no safe level of exposure to asbestos particles. However, particles are only released if the material begins to crumble. Bonded, bound or sealed asbestos is relatively safe, though it is recommended that any materials containing asbestos be removed for safety reasons. One Health and Safety inspector [ITALICS: Salient] spoke to said 90 per cent of the problem is solved once asbestos has been found. She said it was important to keep the asbestos contained, but not to cause people unnecessary panic. What can be done? The Ministry of Health recommends that asbestos should only be removed by contractors certified by the Department of Labour. Workers must use full dust respirators and cover their bodies for safety. Removing asbestos often requires breaking the materials, thus releasing asbestos particles into the air.
7
♦ NEWS ♦
A Fare Go
Salient looks at the Fairer Fares campaign Phillipa Webb & Chris McIntyre
Discounted public-transport fares for tertiary students may be one bus stop closer to reality as the Fairer Fares campaign gains momentum, with five Wellington Regional Councillors onboard. The Get on Board for Fairer Fares for Tertiary Students campaign, led by VUWSA’s Wellbeing and Sustainability officer Rick Zwaan, aims to “increase the accessibility of study in Wellington through campaigning for Fairer Fares for tertiary students.” The campaign proposes a student transport concession card which Zwaan says will contribute to “equitability of student life, cultural and economic vibrancy, a sustainable, low-carbon future and retaining tertiary talent in Wellington.” The campaign has received support from five Wellington councillors, more than 1500 people who have signed petition postcards, and over 200 people who have emailed councillors through the campaign’s website. However it may be a long journey before students can snap on with a discount, as the
campaign needs a majority of seven of the 13 councillors in support of discounted fares. When a majority is reached, one councillor will put forward a paper outlining the discount to the committee, who will vote on the motion. Zwaan says that as yet, no councillors have said outright they would not support the campaign. Salient spoke to Wellington Regional Councillors Prue Lamason and Paul Swain, who were both aware of the campaign but believed the costs of implementation needed more discussion. Councillor Judith Aitken said she “has not heard of the campaign” but that she was “open to the sympathies of students and the possibility of discounted student fares.” Wellington Council Public Transport Committee Deputy Chairman Peter Glensor said that more than 75 per cent of the Council’s budget is spent on public transport, and an in-depth analysis of how fares are organised must happen before any decision on fee cuts for
students can be made. The campaign is not just about achieving Council support, but also about engaging with the wider Wellington community, says Zwaan. “We want to hold forums around the region to hear student stories and get those stories out there. It’s about helping to create a vibrant Wellington region where students want to live, learn, and later work.” Zwaan also says that if implemented, discounted rates will also benefit Wellington businesses. “The reality is that there is no more room for cars in Wellington[‘s] CBD, so the only way to get spenders into the city is by public transport. More students mean more business,” he says. Wellington is one of the only large cities in New Zealand without a student discount. The first major event for the Fairer Fares campaign will be a participatory space for student stories and perspectives on the need for Fairer Fares, called the Better Forum for Public Transport. This will be held at the Campus Hub on 8 May.
breakdown of student weekly expenses
$
5 councillors have already got on board with the initiative: Nigel Wilson, Sandra Greig, Daran Ponter, Paul Bruce, and Chris Laidlaw.
transport expenses food
living cost loan stops
rent
at $171
The remaining councillors are still waiting to board, having not declared a position on the campaign: Judith Aitken, Paul Swain, Peter Glensor, Prue Lamason, Jenny Brash, Barbara Donaldson, Gary McPhee, and Fran Wilde.
working person
highsCHOOL STUDENT
GWRC ESTIMATES
3,500,000 TRIPS ARE TAKEN BY STUDENTS ANNUALLY
income:
<$5000
$2
University student income:
varies.. 8
median wellington income:
2 zone bus trip cost:
$28,000
2 zone bus trip cost:
$3.50
senior 2 zone bus trip cost:
$3.50
yearly supperannuation average:
$18,200
2 zone bus trip cost:
$0 (9am-3pm)
♦ NEWS ♦
April 2011 A Facebook page is launched to discuss the prospect of a discounted public transport fares for tertiary students was launched. It gets over 5,000 Facebook likes. November 2011 The popularity of the Facebook page saw the Wellington Tertiary Student Price Petition launched. Februrary 2012 The Petition received a total of 1812 signatures of support. VUWSA began discussions on the Fairer Fares campaign around this time. March 2013 The campaign is launched on Campus with more than 2,000 postcards distributed and 1,500 signed. March 21 2013 Get on Board for Fairer Fares For Tertiary Students is presented at the Young Labour ‘Tertiary Fares, Are They Fair?’ Forum at Hutt Valley Baptist Church. April 2013 Campaign Website launched, with 200 people signing a petition online. May 8 VUWSA will hold a Better Forum for Public Transport at Kelburn Campus, the first big event for the campaign.
where has student fares in nz?
Q+A
with Campaign leader & VUWSA Wellbeing and Sustainability Officer Rick Zwaan
What is the Fairer Fares Campaign fighting for? The Fairer Fares campaign is aiming to get tertiary concessions on all public transport in Wellington. Why is VUWSA supporting this? VUWSA is supporting this because of our constitutional goals around student welfare. A lot of students are currently finding it really difficult to get to uni because they can’t afford the high cost of public transport, and we’re building it into our wider vision for where we want to take Wellington in the future, in terms of being a student-friendly city that really appreciates talent. Why do students need fairer fares? Students are really struggling right now with high rent costs in the centre of Wellington, so they are being forced to move further and further out, and the transport costs of that are increasingly being raised. So university is becoming more and more inaccessible for students, especially those on low incomes and from backgrounds of different socioeconomic areas. So is the Campaign more targeted at students who live out of the city or is it focusing on all students? We’ve heard stories of students who live in the centre of town within one stage, and they find cost is still a barrier to catching public transport. Last year when we did a travel survey, 70 per cent of respondents were females, and their biggest concern was getting home safely at night, and the costs of buses were a barrier to that. What are the biggest barriers in getting Fairer Fares for students?
The main barrier is the political will. The Regional Councillors are the key decision-makers in this process, and their narrative hasn’t changed for the last five years whenever there has been campaigns on this. But the Councillors’ attitudes seem to be shifting on that. The other barrier is that there is some cost to it, but that’s a marginal cost in terms of the benefit that it will bring to students. Why has it taken so long to launch? That’s a tough question. We wanted to launch the campaign after O-Week and that’s when we came out with the postcards. We had some technical difficulties with the website but it has been active for over a fortnight now. We also wanted to talk to the Councillors first and figure out what issues they were concerned about, to work out how to make this campaign the most effective it can be. Who is funding the campaign? VUWSA is the key organisation funding the campaign. We’ve put about $10,000 into the campaign so far. But when you look at the costbenefit of investing in this campaign, the payoff is huge for students. What funding models of discounts is the Fairer Fares Campaign looking at? A Student Concession Card? 50 per cent discounts for students? Or both? What would be simplest is if the current highschool-student concession card was extended to tertiary students. But there may need to be some compromise with Regional Councillors.
transport costs per week wairarapa $125 kapiti $85 hutt valley $65
northern suburbs $35 wellington city $30
9
♦ NEWS ♦
RAISING THE ROOF And other housing issues Chloe Davies
A community discussion last week tackled rising house prices and their effects, concluding that the status quo was not good enough and drawing attention to the issues faced by renters. Joel Pringle from Australians for Affordable Housing and Charles Waldegrave from the Family Centre Social Policy Research Unit talked about how housing could be made more affordable, but made virtually no acknowledgement of students. Instead, the speeches centred on families on low incomes and living in lower socioeconomic areas. Students are often dismissed in discussions surrounding housing quality and price, despite being hugely affected by housing standards and rental prices. Flatting students are often living in badly
insulated, damp, unhealthy homes, with some flats having cracked windows, mould in bedrooms and unjustifiably high rents. Waldegrave said budgeting practices are hurting students who have few alternatives to prioritising costs. Housing is typically the greatest expenditure for a student, along with other compulsory expenses like power. This leads to other necessities like food and medical expenses being neglected, leading to a lower quality of life. “If you can’t afford to pay for good food, you get unhealthy … you get this negative spiral,” he said. The speakers also held that healthy homes are an essential part of a healthy community and inadequate housing contributes to a myriad of negative side effects. Housing issues
can give you little motivation to study, let alone get out of bed in the morning, and with low income comes high anxiety. “If you feel like you can’t afford to pay for housing … you get very nervous, it makes you very stressful,” Waldegrave said. Without decent housing, the social development costs end up higher in the future, across health, justice, and education. One student spoken to by Salient is all for investment in housing. “I think more houses is good, ‘cause more houses means more big ones in my bank account. That’s ‘cause rent will go down, you see! Basic supply-demand.” The average rent for a room in Wellington was between $150 and $160 per week in 2012.
JustSpeak have No Doubt They know just what you’re saying lydia nobbs
MPs and academics were locked into a forum held in Wellington last week, examining the cost of New Zealand’s reliance on the prison system. The forum was the first of a threepart series of panel discussions on the prison system organised by JustSpeak, a group of young people interested in criminal-justice issues. Last Thursday’s panel discussion lineup included Labour Party Justice Spokesperson Andrew Little, National MP Mark Mitchell, Victoria’s own Professor John Pratt, and Grant Burston, Crown Solicitor and expert in criminal procedure and the law of evidence. JustSpeak member Julia Whaipooti chaired the forum, and kept the debate moving with the assistance of a bell to keep the speakers to time. The 100-strong crowd of mainly students and young professionals also had an
opportunity to ask questions of the panel. The panel agreed on a number of core issues: that effectively addressing the causes of crime must start in the very early years of a potential offender’s life, and the importance of rehabilitation. The case was made for prisons broadening their focus beyond just incarceration, as people will eventually be returning to normal society. Views diverged on whether prisons worked for society, and whether they were cost-effective in terms of economic, social and moral costs. Pratt described prisons as a “moral and fiscal failure”, while Little believed that “prisons often perpetuate inequality and deprivation”. However, two panel members disagreed; with Burston advocating the efficacy of prisons and Mitchell focussing on safety. “Prisons are an effective form of 10
punishment; they protect society from criminals because it is much harder to commit crimes when in prison,” claimed Burston. “Obviously, removing dangerous people from society will make us safer,” said Mitchell. An audience member and JustSpeak regular spoken to by Salient found the debate stimulating. "[It’s good to get] insight into the prison system and the effects it has on society. One tends to think prison is for punishing criminals, but in some ways it can just become a university for crime.” JustSpeak’s Wellington forums are held on the second Wednesday of every month in St John’s in the City. The next forum in the series will address the daily realities of life in prison, while the June forum will explore alternative approaches to New Zealand's prison system.
♦ NEWS ♦
POOR SPORTS Victoria: 1, Uni Games: 0 Nick Truebridge
Victoria University will be poorly represented at the 2013 Uni Games, with the Ultimate Frisbee team the only group to take up the offer to compete. This year’s University Games will be hosted by the University of Otago, and will run from 21 April to 24 April. Victoria’s Associate Director of Campus Operations Rainsforth Dix told [ITALICS: Salient] the University had made contact with eligible sporting clubs in March, but that there seemed to be little interest in competing. “Only two teams expressed interest, and from those two, the Ultimate Frisbee team was the only team that decided to compete this year,” she said. This means Victoria teams who have seen previous success at the Uni Games will be unable to uphold their championship status. The Victoria men’s basketball team is just one squad that will not be participating this year, preventing the team from defending the title it has won for the last three years.
One member of Victoria’s 2012 men’s basketball team was spoken to by [ITALICS: Salient], and said he had heard nothing about this year’s Uni Games. “I had no idea there would be no basketball team going this year,” he said. “Quite frankly, I’m fucked off.” Recent Uni Games have suffered from poor representation from campuses around the country as a result of high costs for both students and student associations. The last time Auckland hosted the games two years ago, participation costs for Victoria’s athletes were set at $1000. Last year, the games were held in Wellington and cost $120 for each Victoria student participating. Otago University Students’ Association (OUSA) has aimed to minimise costs for this year’s event, in an attempt to increase participation. OUSA Club Development Officer James Grubb has said that entry costs for students are set at $50 this year. Grubb has also echoed OUSA’s objective
to make sporting events the focal point of the Games, as opposed to the expensive social events that have been prominent in previous years. ''We're fully focussing on sport,'' he said. However, attendees will still have to pay for extra costs. It is unclear at this stage how much the Ultimate Frisbee team will pay to attend the Games, as Dix told [ITALICS: Salient] the University was still deciding how it would go about assisting members of the team financially. “The level of funding support they might receive is currently being decided by the Student Clubs Council,” she said. University Games have been held since 1902. The overall winner is awarded the Games Shield, a tradition since 1923. This year, 13 sports will be contested: badminton, basketball, Twenty20 cricket, debating, football, handball, hockey, lawn bowls, netball, rugby sevens, touch, ultimate, and volleyball.
THIRD TIME LUCKY
Salient clutches at straws for fresh marriage equality headlines sofia roberts
Colin Craig’s and Bob McCroskie’s high media profiles will soon become a thing of the past, with Parliament set to approve marriage equality at a third and final reading this Wednesday, 17 April. The Third Reading is the final parliamentary step in the Marriage (Definition of Marriage) Amendment Bill’s passage, before it is given Royal Assent by the Governor-General. At the First Reading, the Bill passed by 80 votes to 40— this dropped to 77 to 44 at the Second Reading. The Bill is likely to pass, as MPs seldom change their minds so late in the process. The public gallery for the reading is expected to be packed out early on, after a full gallery at the Second Reading. Many are expected to celebrate the Bill’s passing at Parliament, but it will also be televised nationwide on Parliament TV, shown on screens at the venue, and at some bars in the city. A picnic at Parliament grounds
is organised for 6 pm on the night.
“It sucks. God will punish you for your sins.”
Marriage equality has been a long time coming for the LGBTQ community and supporters alike, according to Convener of the Campaign for Marriage Equality Conrad Reyners.
Some students are becoming increasingly unenthusiastic over the Bill, including Design student Chris Kennedy.
“We can’t wait to celebrate this historic change that will ensure equal treatment for all. Kiwis know that it is time for marriage equality.” Polls have shown over 80 per cent of under-25s are in favour of the Bill, and over 90 per cent of students. “I think that marriage equality is a long time coming. NZ was the first to give women the vote; I'm surprised that we weren't the first to support equal marriage,” said Arts student Lana Burns. When asked about the Bill, Bachelor of Commerce student Jake Glover had a warning for its proponents. 11
“Nobody cares anymore; Salient should report some real news,” said Kennedy. In last week’s episode of New Zealand political panel programme Back Benches, the first of the year, National MP Louise Upston stated that she was against the Bill due to the changes it will cause to adoption laws. However, when pressed on what she found wrong with same-sex couples adopting children, she couldn’t find a specific reason for her opposition. The Bill will follow in the footsteps of other New Zealand laws such as the Homosexuality Law Reform Act 1986 and the Civil Union Act 2004.
♦ NEWS ♦
eye on exec In Seventh Heaven Stella Blake-Kelly
It may have been seventh meeting of the VUWSA Executive for the year, but last Wednesday’s two hour sitting was about as far from heaven as you could get. Your reporter could only console herself with the fact that she had recently gained an hour thanks to the end of daylight savings to make up for the fact that she had to sit through yet another lengthy meeting, most of which was in committee. As your intrepid reporter headed into the bubble of student politics, she noticed a string of Salients strewn across the tables. Instantly suspicious, a string of theories crossed her mind—what could the Exec be planning? Censorship, budget cuts, how to appear relevant to students? However, they were probably just preparing what they would and wouldn’t talk about in public. Executive meetings are always a staged show, where members generally only talk about what they want to be seen talking about. In 2012 Exec meetings featured far more open discussion, as Executive members were treated more equally, rather than information only being shared with whoever the President saw fit. This meant that as an organisation, VUWSA was far more transparent to its members, and therefore more accountable. Such attitude appears to have been carried on by President Rory McCourt, that is until they decide to get all “committee” on us. The meeting began with approval of last meeting’s minutes, which are records for the auditors and students so that they can keep their accountable eye on their representatives. Salient is yet to find a student who actually reads them, but even if they wanted to—they haven’t been put on the website (!). And what’s more, the minutes themselves (if anyone can read them) are becoming less and less informative, noticeably lacking context around decisions. But the really atrocious cherry on the cake, going by discussion of said minutes, was the spelling and grammar. Vice-President (Academic) Sonya Clark went so far as to exclaim “Can you try and make them more accurate?” Two minutes into the meeting Education
Officer Gemma Swan left the room in tears. It is not yet known whether the punctuation mistakes and tears were related. McCourt, has used his head and generally opted for oral reporting this year, as a way of communicating to his Exec what has been going down. But this week he evidently wasn’t in the mood and had been too busy, so hadn’t prepared one. Surely a quick browse of the
This proved to be a principle of convenience when the subject of “NZUSA’s finances” came up, with the Exec moving into committee for a case of ‘if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything [publicly] at all’ VUWSA Facebook page should suffice as an explanation of what the President has been doing with his time, given the recent onslaught of pictures of a smiling McCourt with [insert politician here]. Vice-President (Welfare) Simon Tapp wanted VUWSA to revert to its radical past—this time fighting climate change as opposed to capitalist oppressors. The Government has opened up the sea off Wellington’s South coast to oil-drilling, and Tapp wanted VUWSA to support a group’s campaign against it, and even put a “banner on the side of the Student Union Building”. Lengthy discussion took place, (nothing new here!), before they decided to send it to this week’s IGM. McCourt repeatedly said VUWSA was “member-driven” so it should be up to members to decide whether or not VUWSA supports that. This proved to be a principle of convenience when the subject of “NZUSA’s finances” came up, with the Exec moving into committee for a case of ‘if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything [publicly] at all’. Salient is not allowed to report what is said in committee, but is allowed to question the decision to move into it. Given the ensuing conversation, 12
it was quite clearly a questionable reason. But what could they possibly have to hide? It’s consistent from year to year, as Execs continually suppress any discussion or say students theoretically have over NZUSA. Why does anyone hide? What are Execs scared of ? Perhaps it’s because they’re worried what students might say about their money funding a ‘national representative body’ for New Zealand’s 456,000 students that can only just scrape 600 likes on Facebook? Next the Exec decided they would have a referendum on whether or not VUWSA should support asset sales during their annual elections, because apparently people keep asking them about their position. Students also keep asking VUWSA to get a cat, and when the Association plans on getting some more wall-planners, but we doubt that either of those issue will be put to referendum. This week’s IGM was next on the agenda, with McCourt declaring there would be “no Hawaiian [pizza]”. $1500 will be allocated for some members of the Exec to go to Otago to try scab ideas from their Students’ Association on how to be better. Following this was the review of the VUWSA Code of Conduct, which mostly centred around whether or not the Exec should be able to consume alcohol in their offices. Swan opposed it, saying the offices were a workplace and it wasn’t appropriate. There was some discussion but Salient was unable to follow, too worried that the right to cry into a bottle of wine over the two hours of life they would never get back following this meeting would be taken away. Then they decided to give $6000 to NZUSA for investigating the impacts of VSM. Is the hundreds of thousands of dollars of student money that NZUSA has received in recent years, including $45,000 per year from VUWSA, not enough? Shouldn’t they already maybe be investigating that, as, it was like, kinda the biggest thing to happen to Students’ Associations this century? Just a thought.
♦ NEWS ♦
Week That Wasn’t POLS113 students “agree to disagree”Lifeboat Chris McIntyre
Following a class discussion on the role of the executive in the legislative process last Friday, POLS113 students Phineas Taylor-Thomas and Francis de Boer “agreed to disagree,” sources told Salient. Discussion began during a lecture on the separation of powers, a common democratic maxim which acts as a check on unbridled government power. After hearing a 20-minute outline on the concept’s history, de Boer soon formulated an intense support for John Calvin’s 16th-century doctrine and immediately raised his hand. “I identify with Calvin, but I also respect others may have different opinions on the matter,” said de Boer. Sources indicate Taylor-Thomas nodded to himself, before checking that day’s INTP118 notes; a class from which he’d just arrived. “In the 17th century, Thomas Hobbes rejected the separation of powers and after careful consideration and research, so do I,” announced Taylor-Thomas in reply. “Though, I see the merit in your stance,” he soon added. The brief retort was met with enthusiastic attention from the rest of the lecture theatre,
LOL
NEWS
CHROFLIS MCLOLNTYRE
MAD MDMA MAN In a story that will have you snorting (with laughter), British doctors have released the details of a patient suspected to be the world’s biggest user of ecstasy. The 37-year-old man, who took 25 pills a day at the height of his use, had taken over 40,000 pills throughout a nine-year bender. The man developed severe panic attacks, recurrent anxiety, depression and muscle rigidity, and was also a heavy user of cannabis in addition to solvents, benzodiazepines, amphetamines, LSD, cocaine and heroin. However, the man was oblivious to these problems as he had little to no short-term memory—a result of his drug use. Whoops!
who politely awaited de Boer’s rejoinder. “I’ve considered your points, and it’s clear to me that while we both accept each other’s standpoints as valid, they are fundamentally incompatible,” de Boer replied, finishing with a small bow in Taylor-Thomas’ direction. Senior Lecturer Fabian White was pleased with the rare self-application of Politics students to discussion questions. “I thought Calvin and Hobbes would be a bit advanced for the first-years, but they’re doing very well.” Victoria’s School of Political Science and International Relations is currently experiencing a worrying trend wherein an increasing ability of students to put aside underlying political beliefs and evaluate each idea on its merits has been observed. Answers have become increasingly brief, and respect in lectures has improved exponentially. “I’m really scared about our future politicians trying to forge a culture of bipartisanship,” PSIR Head Patrick Wiley told Salient. The news comes in a week where not a single Mathematics student was spotted wearing sneans.
HONK IF YOU’RE HORNY William Blakely defied conventional wisdom last week, proving that men can multitask in an elaborate highway manoeuvre. Blakely, the former Vice-Mayor of Mount Carmel, Tennessee, managed to simultaneously honk his horn, masturbate, and drive at 90 miles per hour, indecently exposing himself to three separate women. “At over 90 miles per hour, he had his penis out [the window] ... he was masturbating ... and that's when it got really, really bad,” said one of the women. Say what you want about Blakely, but you can’t deny his sex drive. RESTAURANT GOES BUST The term ‘breastaurant’ has been trademarked by the Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill restaurant chain in Texas. The eatery came up with the name after intense R&D(D) sessions, to represent its (presumably female) servers being dressed in
13
stay classy, world In a brash attention-grab from the late Roger Ebert, former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher passed away last week. The stroke-ofgenius move from her social-media team saw ‘Thatcher’ trending worldwide within minutes. Serbia has rejected an EU deal on Kosovo, Balkan at the idea of relinquishing control over northern Kosovo. Both Serbs and Albanians— the rival group in the area—would have been well Serb-ed by a conclusion to the issue. Syria has rejected a UN deal which would allow the alleged use of chemical weapons to be investigated. As an Assad, Salient would like to add that the war-torn state is no closer to peace after over two years of conflict. NASA continues to debate whether to send a spacecraft to capture an asteroid, with the aim of dragging it into orbit around the Moon and analysing its composition—possibly for extracting minerals. Salient suggests NASA should mine their own business. Recent poll data shows a major change in public opinion on an issue, possibly redefining the very nature of the debate. Results show three per cent more people now support a social initiative, in a major blow to opponents of the cause. The poll’s margin of error was four per cent.
bikini tops, jean shorts and cowboy boots. The restaurant is known for cheap jugs (of beer), from which patrons enjoy the odd nip(ple) from the bra (not a typo). The breastaurant did not respond to Salient’s queries on cup size.
P O L I
left No Sympathy for the Devil’s Advocate By Carla Marks Every week in the pages of our regional newspapers and indeed in the pages of the Dom and the Herald, one is sure to find something offensive. More often than not we find offense coming in the form of a column by Rosemary McLeod, Bob McCoskrie or one of the many other “commentators” who fill the column inches of print publications to placate the bigoted masses.
Margaret Thatcher 1925-2013
Much of this content purports to be political. In the minds of the columnists, it is up to Parliament to do something about these perceived societal ills. Luckily, Parliament isn’t beholden to keyboard warriors with a God complex. However, as much as we like to dismiss these people as unrepresentative of New Zealand as a whole, a wee read of the letters to the editor may show you otherwise. In continuing to air hateful views and misinformation, these commentators are adding venomous vitriol to the New Zealand political discourse and giving life to issues that most people would like to see put to rest. With each column condemning abortion, claiming homosexuality is a choice and a sin, and moaning about Waitangi Day there comes the inevitable slinging of mud. The left throw their arms up in horror, while others harp on about free speech and living in a democracy. After a few days the Facebook posts and hashtags drift off the end of timelines and the anger of white urban liberals shifts focus to the next outrageous comments. Perhaps the sad, attention seeking musings of our less liberally inclined friends should simply be treated as nothing more than ink on paper and ignored. As your mother said to you when you complained of playground taunts, maybe reacting is just what they want, and maybe it spreads their offence further than it would otherwise reach. If they are ignored, they will lose the will to plough on with their agenda of hate. While tempting, ignoring these publications is sadly not a viable option. Hate does not exist within a vacuum. Outside our liberal, Wellington bubble, there are closeted kids in Whangarei and Tokoroa who might just believe that homosexuality can be “prayed away” and scared teenages who might believe that “no abortion can be done safely”. To those people, we owe taking a few moments to make an injection of truth into the discourse. Of course, we need to take a step back and question the editors who make the decisions to spread these harmful messages. Sure, everyone has freedom to express themselves, but there is no right to a microphone or weekly column in the Hawkes Day Today. Maybe the retaliatory rage of lefty tweeters and bloggers should be directed towards those who are deciding to publish these provocateurs for profit. No one is entitled to spend their days free of offense. But if there’s one golden rule for life, it is this: Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. Try not to be a cunt.
Maggie said: "I don't mind how much my ministers talk, as long as they do what I say." "I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end." "If you just set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time, and you would achieve nothing." "No one would remember the good Samaritan if he'd only had good intentions. He had money as well." "Defeat? I do not recognise the meaning of the word."
They said: “There is no such thing as society” – Margaret Thatcher, 1988 “There is no such thing as Margaret Thatcher” – Society, 2013 #nowthatcherisdead If we keep milking these Margaret Thatcher jokes they’re gonna get taken away The death of Thatcher has come at a bad time for Britain. We still haven’t replaced the fireworks we used at the Olympics yet. With the news of Margaret Thatcher’s passing, I’m looking forward to hearing about who found all the Horcruxes.
The Silver Linings: The GDP rose +23.3 under her three terms. She helped to bring millions of working class families the benefits of home ownership. She was one of only a few conservatives to support the decriminalisation of homosexuality in the U.K. in 1966. Britain's sexual freedom generally increased during her time. Although she did not encourage it, she didn't try to interfere too much either. She didn't get in the way of natural selection. 14
T I C S
RIGHT R.I.P YOU AMAZING WOMAN By Freddie Hayek (Warning, what follows is an adoring obituary of Margaret Thatcher. Reader discretion is advised.)
caption me!
The Ninth of April 2013 shall forever be known to me now as one of the saddest days in my life. I awoke to a blitz of tweets and texts to let me know the person responsible for the intellectual foundations for Tories of my generation had passed. Margaret Hilda Thatcher was not just one person, not just a Prime Minister of a country, she was the head of a revolution carried out in her name.
Send us your best caption for this picture to editor@salient.org.nz, subject line: 'Caption Contest', by 5 pm Thursday.
LAST WEEK'S WINNER Best caption wins a free coffee at:
'The Minister of Taxidermy and Ravenue' WINNER: thanks chris! a Congratulations James, it's our shout on the coffee.
they said what!? @TrevorMallard Had a cup of tea at House of Lords with Baroness Thatcher in 1998, still sharp then and spoke fondly of her friend Bob.
Winston Churchill is often held up as the best twentieth century UK Prime Minister. Beating the shit out of the greatest evil the world has ever faced deserves that accolade. Margaret Thatcher beat an enemy far more insidious and— in my view—plain evil enemy. The British Trade Unions. The Conservative Government in which she served as a minister during 1970-1974 was crippled, then destroyed by the trade unions. The successor Labour Government which she toppled in 1979 was also crippled by trade unions. One of the very first think tanks, the Institute of Economic Affairs (IEA) pointed this out to Thatcher. The IEA argued that union power was ruining Britain and all economic ills could be attributed to union power. When she took office, she systematically crushed union power, piece by piece. Inflation got down to normal levels, interest rates went down, and after an initial period of bleak unemployment the British economy grew 23 per cent under her Premiership. Once she stopped the British economy being systematically wrecked, she started to grow it. Privatisations of things governments should not own, like telecommunications and gas in public share offerings (sound familiar?), created an ownership society. She gave those in state houses the opportunity to buy their own homes, which had a huge take up. Many people switched from voting Labour to Conservative and still do to this day, because Maggie helped them buy their first house. By giving the Argentinians a thorough hiding, standing up to the creeping socialism of the European Union, and forging a transatlantic partnership with Ronald Reagan, she made Great Britain great once again. She also helped to you know, do that little thing called bringing down the Soviet Union.
@GarethMP Brought brownie to share with my select committee colleagues today. Before you ask, no it wasn't 'special brownie'
I could wax on all day about her immense achievements. Thatcher saved her country, and made the market supreme in Public Policy—something not challenged in thirty five years. She was simply, The Greatest.
@KimDotcom In order to gain strength, courage & confidence you must challenge your fears. Do things you think you cannot do.
If you are left-wing, this has probably offended you. That was the point.
@PeterDunneMP Great performance of Calendar Girls by Wellington Repertory this evening. Well done cast and crew!
Rest in peace you marvellous angel, you were too good for this world. Hope you have privatised heaven by the end of this financial quarter.
15
~ CAMPUS DIGEST ~
CAMPUS DIGEST Campus Diary ASSET SALES: COMING TO A CAMPUS NEAR YOU The Karori campus may soon become a thing of the past—much like its architectural design—with the University confirming it is in discussions regarding the campus’ future. Home to Victoria’s Education Faculty, the land is currently owned by the Crown, so the University can’t sell it. However there is a process by which the Crown can transfer assets to the University. Director of Campus Services, Jenny Bentley, has confirmed that discussions regarding the campus’ future are taking place with Tertiary sector baron the Tertiary Education Commission.
opening by handing out acne medication, alcohol-free bubbles and offering consultations on everything from hair buns to Hairy Lemons.
The Pharmacy is open 9-5 pm Monday to Friday, and takes prescriptions from doctors outside of Student Health.
Privatization of hell. RIP Margaret Thatcher.
Moving the Education Faculty to any of Vic’s other three campuses would no doubt require expansion of current buildings. Let’s just hope there isn’t asbestos, and that they don’t hire Mainzeal again.chic architecture is artfully hidden by foliage.
Last Wednesday the awards from the 2013 Summer Gold competition were announced at an awards function in the Alan MacDiarmid building, with eighteen awards dished out in total.
ask the magic 8 ball
Your Omega 3 Levels—raw fish galore at the new Maki Mono Sushi on Campus!
SUMMER RESEARCHIN’, HAD THEM A BLAST Some students let everyone know what they did last summer.
The University is doing its bit for Wellington, taking drugs off the streets and making them easily accessible to staff and students. Located in Easterfield, the Hub’s new pharmacy celebrated its
The chances you've been under GCSB surveillance.
A mystery shopper investigation by Salient found the staff to be very attentive—they will sure give the Student Health receptionists a run for their money in terms of best customer service on campus. Any correlation between welcoming staff and drugfilled workplaces has yet to be proven.
Should the Crown transfer the campus to the University, it is not yet clear whether the University would completely sell, or go for the on-trend ‘mixed ownership model’. Salient suspects it won’t be the latter, as no investor would ever want a piece of that eye-sore.
They've got the Goods
GOING UP
In its third year, the Summer Gold Posters Competition invites students who were involved in the Summer Research Scholarship scheme to produce posters reflecting their findings.
GOING DOWN Number of students enrolled in LAWS121. Now that the first test is over, let the hunger games begin. John Key's credibility.
Maddy Glen (pictured) took out best overall poster for her project ‘Vertical Cinema: A manifesto’. Summer Research scholarships take place over the summer break, and allow successful applicants to work with a staff member on a research project in return for a big wad o cash.
Your general upkeep. Assignments are looming. Sleep is suddenly a distant memory.
Maddy Glen with her winning poster
Will I find a winter spoon? MOST LIKELY
FREE DRUGS
(Salient letters section now open for advertisements)
16
~ CAMPUS DIGEST ~
get amongst "the best" Overheard @ Vic: Crystal Williamson Overheard waiting for the bus - guy to his mate: "dude did I tell you Rebecca dumped me?" mate: "why?" Guy: "I got drunk with my cat and fed it her goldfish". Zachariah Alexander Anton Cotter "I bet laws cruisey as fuck and you guys just spread rumors that its not and separate yourselves so no one will find out" Nat Tan Overheard a couple of weeks ago in ENGL117: the lecturer commenting that every day he wakes up hoping Margaret Thatcher is dead and having his expectations frustrated. Well, looks like tomorrow is looking up for him. RIP, Iron Lady. Keszia Tyler-Parker Overseen @ Maclaurin: Random older student lying across a seat with an eye-cover having a snooze. Hazz Kate Lane Tobin overseen@Vic in the front row of my RELI107 lecture a guy just casual with a loaf of bread and a container of butter making sandwhiches. OMG VUW confessions: #417 One of my biggest problems at uni is being too scared to fb stalk babes while I'm in the library, in case somebody sitting near me is their close friend and word gets back to them. #416 fucking hates the fact that I wont be able to smoke at uni any longer!!!! I feel like I want to chain myself to a tree and smoke 80 packets, PASSIVE RESISTANCE, and I hope all you second hand smokers die from moaning about smokers!!!!!! Peace be
with you all, unless your a whining douche bag!!! #414 To the person whose lunch I stole from the study lounge at pip during a fire drill sometime back , I just felt really guilty all this time and have finally replaced your sushi with your name and a wee message written over it in the fridge yesterday, hope you have got it by now.
Health tip #
7
Warmer flats an apple a day are happier and healthier; get free curtains and insulation for your home! If you have a current community services card (approximately 90% of NZ Resident students are eligible) contact the Curtain Bank at the Sustainability Trust. (Located: 2 Forresters Lane off Tory Street near Motel and Chow, Phone: 0508 78 78 24 extn 705, Website: http://sustaintrust. org.nz/curtain-bank) If you or someone who lives in your house or flat has asthma,
VUW cupid:
depression or eczema or some other ongoing health condition
#635 To the sultry blonde and her minx of a brunette friend on 5th floor tepuni, I am now a converted christian because you two are God's gift to this green Earth.
To be eligible for low-cost insulation programmes you need to
you may also qualify to have your flat or home insulated.
rent or own a private flat or house built before the 1st January 2000 (not a Housing New Zealand House) and have a current community services card. For more information contact the Student Health Service.
#630 To the hot girl that studies HR with long black hair whose always in level4 piptea campus just want to say that your gorgeous and remind me of a persian princess can i be your prince? #627 To the guy expressing an informed opinion about feminism and postcolonialism on the overbridge: We would totally enter into a patriarchal system of co-habitation with you. Love overbridge girls. #625 Dougal McNeill, you rock my world. I want you to spawn my intelligent, English loving babies. Stay beautiful. Love, a hopeful student. Ps: my pants are always open for you.
Student money in safe hands Construction reveals University's lax approach to its finances.
#623 To the sexy Asian babe, who I think may be Ricky?? Down at pip doing info and mark. baby you put the spice in my chow mein, the sticky in my rice, the fortune in my cookie. Without you, I would be nothing more than an empty wonton xoxo
"Hey, do you work for the number one ranked University in the country?" Uni staff members overheard celebrating Vic's PBRF triumph. 17
Something fishy going on in the Hub.
rom many of the lower classes. She didn’t know exactly what a rich person was except that they lived in big houses and had carriages with lots of nice horses.Her father was found rdundant at the village carriage-making plant and her mother took ill with some sickness
on of a skilled physician. Of course, the family had very little money to pay for such fine services and her poor mother soon succumbed to the insidious affliction.At sixteen, the young girl found herself motherless and tasked with tending to a distraught parent grieving
ss of employment.The weeks sped by and soon the father and daughter faced the fact that they were totally destitute and without a crumb of bread in the house. It was a dire situation and one that demanded immediate attention.About the only thing of value they still the corner that contained her father’s things from the time he spent in military service under the command of the King’s Army.Meg searched the trunk and discovered a fine pair of silver embossed pistols with both powder and a large supply of lead missiles. The flints FEATURES
and no rust was in evidence. It was surprising to her to find another side to her father that she never suspected.At the very bottom of the trunk lay two blades which had seen plenty of use but were still in excellent condition. first, Meg thought they could sell the tools enough coins to see them through the fast-approaching winter months. Then, a germ of a thought flitted through her mind that perhaps she and her father might employ these items to secure a lot more capital than just the value of the tools themselves.When she first her father, he scoffed at the idea, telling her,“Are you crazy, child, do you want us both swinging from the crossroads gibbet?”Meg used her powers of persuasion to convince her father to show her how to properly use the pistols and even the rudiments of swordplay to
efend her person.She began to wear her father’s cast off clothing taking up the trousers to her correct height and slender waistline. Suddenly, she felt stronger and more powerful in the trappings of male attire and she tried to disguise the budding breasts under her shirt
consider the nun
ightly woven cloth. Several times she was mistaken for a young boy when getting water at the well and bending over to draw it from the depths. One burly fellow who was much taken with sport of young boys lowered her britches in the rear and availed himself of her
Meg was furious with the effrontery but powerless in the grasp of the much larger man. She found that after a short period of uncomfortable stretching, the fullness she experienced was not at all unpleasant and she was quite unhappy when it concluded without her full
after that episode to keep both pistol and sword close by to deter any unauthorized use of her person.Hearing in th square that a rich estate owner was planning to return to the city with his wife and daughter caused her to implore her father to action. She saddled two
her cooperative uncle in the next town and they hastened to a spot adjacent to the road to be traveled by the rich estate owner and his family.They waited in the woods watching anxiously for the approaching carriage.Meg’s heart was beating rapidly. She was exhilarated danger. Her female parts were tingling like they had never tingled before not even when she was being sodomized by the perverted villager.Her father was utterly calm. He had been in danger many times before and never let his emotions lead him astray.“Look, father,
riage!”It was difficult for Meg to curb her enthusiasm.“Hold! Stand and deliver!”Meg’s father’s voice rang out with authority as clear as a bell. The driver immediately reined the horses in and held his hands up high. He was far too concerned with his own safety than to
etween rich people and thieves on the road.Meg opened the carriage door and saw the older gentleman cowering behind his wife and daughter. She jumped up into the carriage and relieved both of the females of their jewelry and instructed the gentleman to hand over a visible shaking hand.The young female looked haughtily at Meg and told her,“You are a cad, sir! The very idea of preying on defenseless women on a public road.”The highwayman’s daughter was swift to grasp the furious girl and pull her mouth up for a searing kiss
mely dressed young girl to flutter and pout her lips wanting more of the same.It was only a lark for Meg but she did feel a bit of compassion for the girl and hoped none of her jewelry was of a sentimental value.The very next day, Meg traded some of the jewelry for two
ses with plenty of bottom for a tiring ride. Then, she exchanged the remainder for coins with a crafty Jew who had a reputation for having a closed mouth.After that initial encounter, Meg and her father roamed far and wide and soon there were wanted posters looking
Censorship: Protecting us from ourselves?
nd strong and the other slender and shorter than the average male person.She had fallen into the habit of bussing the female victims of their thievery as if to compensate them for their loss of baubles. It was rumored that some females of a more desperate circumstance
he public roads in search of the famous “Kissing” bandit with hot and eager lips.Meg went into the city to secure an investment opportunity for their accumulated capital. She went to a much respected banking firm in the downtown area and sat across the desk from a
clear eyes and a pleasing demeanor. His name was Earnest and he informed her,“This is my first real account of my own. I hope you won’t mind if I make some mistakes in setting it up for you but I will do my very best.”She saw he was being quite straightforward and
e or a girlfriend stashed away somewhere.When he queried her about the size of the investment principal, she placed her purse on the desk and said,“Right at the moment, it will be this amount. There is a total of five thousand pounds sterling and my father and I will
it from time to time.”Young Earnest seemed a bit flustered at the extent of the investment but concluded the transaction without further ado and asked,“Would like to join me for tea at my mother’s place?”Meg accepted without hesitation and found herself seated in a
ng room not far from the bank. Young Earnest told her,“My mother is still in the country right now, but the cook will furnish us with some tasty pastries to go with the tea.hey sat and talked about different things but Meg was unable to remember a single word of the
There exists a T-shirt. And it will offend you. I am about to describe it to you, and it is likely that
most distracted by the bulge in young Earnest’s trousers that informed her that his emotions were in a state of physical arousal. Meg hoped that it was due to the revealing cleavage she had chosen to show on her first trip to the city.When Earnest sat next to her to show
simply seeing it represented in words will cause distress . It isof his a Tshirt an extreme British metal of the ruins in Italy, she let her hand rest innocently on his inside leg. They both made some fumbling adjustments and she soon was in full possession rampant cockfor and churning ball sacs ready to spill their seed.He jumped up to lock the drawing room door to by the servants and told her,“Stand up and bend over the settee. I will attempt to enter releasing from your underthings.”Meg his instructions his engorged cock from the .corner of her eye.She was trembling a bit but it was band named Cradle ofyouFfrom ilthbehind , andafteron it isyou a depiction of a nunfollowed of the RomanandCsaw atholic persuasion
d his beautiful long shaft buried deep inside her channel so that she would be in all respects a woman in every sense of the word.The cool air in the parlor raised goose bumps on her bare flanks but Earnest’s heated body covered her up nicely and she felt his protruding
Nuns, as we all know, are chaste, and pretty good at it. But not this one. Surrounded by satanic
r slick wet channel from behind. She hoped he was not offendedwith the view of her pucker hole with its quivering sphincter anticipating some action of its own.She took the impalement well and allowed that the deposit of Earnest’s upper-class creamy cum inside her
iconography , she the ground , naked from astanding habitin ), front andof is herself . Oright n in front of her face. He didn’t say anything to xperience long over-due.Meg was quite satisfied with the performance and fell toisherknelt knees onupon the multi-colored carpet.When she looked(apart up, she saw Earnest herpleasuring with his still stiffened cock waving
ragement, but she knew instinctively that the young man wanted her to gobblethe up hisback dripping cock deep inside her mouth. had seen many of the young village do the same for men , written large andShe clear , is the phrase : “Jgirls esus is a cunt ”. in darkened doorways and behind the barns when they thought nobody was
rienced in these matters, she simply grasped the shaft firmly with one hand and cupped his swinging balls with the other hand. She opened her mouth as wide as possible and being very careful about the placement of her teeth, she sucked the pungent rod between her
llie N By O t so nicely familiar to her nostrils.She heard her young man call her naughty names and tell her she was a very “bad girl” indeed. It spurred hereas on to more frenzied efforts and her saliva drooled down from her lips and chin like a torrent of depraved lubrication.Earnest
d tightly in his grasp and he humped into her pretty face with a frantic pace. She knew it could not last much longer. The panting breathing from young Earnest changed into a shout of triumph and she felt her mouth flooded with his newest load of man juice sliding
hing sauce on a nice cut of meat.When she took leave and headed back to the central station, Meg determined to keep her promise to visit Earnest each time she made a deposit of cash in his bank. Hopefully, he would make a deposit of his own in her cum-thirsty and
nnel.She did not take a bath or shower that night or the next night as well because she wanted to keep the scent of Earnest and his manly juices on her person and inside her clothes for as long as possibleFirst thing I want to make perfectly clear is that I am over sixteen
definitely not a shy little virgin any longer. I don’t want to sound adamant about that point but some of these other hypocritical bitches who parade about the school-grounds like their shit didn’t stink just rubs me the wrong way.I didn’t lose my cherry because of some a football jock or some bad-boy. In all honesty, I have to admit it was the lure of a free magazine and a pint of Hagan Daas cookie dough ice cream that led me to bend over in the back room of Mr. Patel’s corner neighborhood shop. He was fumbling around so much
that I thought for a moment he was going shove his little dick in my back door but he found my unshaven slit and did the dirty deed before I even got to page 3.The poor guy was apologizing to me so much and asking me if I was all right that I wondered how he ever
children with hisJesus ugly wife. He insisted I take a soda with me to wash out the taste of his cock which I sucked clean responsible at his request. I know to most people but I have to admit whenBill he was pushing into me from behind, I kind Christ. The person forthat allallofsounds thislikeis aademeaning man adventure When Dr Jack’s predecessor Hastings**
od even if he got off before I was able to have an orgasm. It was kind of funny licking his deflated cock afterwards because he was swinging his prayer beads and making little humming noises like a happy camper.I am built on the small side just like my mom, and all of
named Dr Andrew Jack. He has five university banned the Cradle of Filth T-shirt in 2008, he degrees, reads hieroglyphics and does his own did so on the basis that the item was “injurious exists a nerve, this T-shirt touches it. It is upholstery. pertinent he is also toshe the theI didn’t Films, ld lady of 32.When they asked me to join the cheerleading squad at school, I jumped for joy because my mom is a Most professional cheerleaderto for us, the National Foe she didn’t like guys waspublic interestedgood”. in looking Enshrined at my 16 year oldin body. think she had anything to misogynistic, and pretty om my perspective she was a solid 10 inblasphemous any guy’s datebook.My pet peeve aboutmuch my mom was sheNew was always stealing myChief clean undies because we were identical in size. Then sheVideos, would leaveand her dirty ones in my laundry basket thinking I wouldn’t Zealand’s Censor. Heading the Publications Classification Act ofknow the difference. inflammatory incum every way that was real dumb because the stench of stale was always all over heryou stuff allcan the time. I figured she was “gettingthese it” pretty good all thewords time at work the football players, the coaches, 1993, five little arewhat thewith cornerstone d the devoted fansAll I had on my was poorof oldthe Mr. Patel with his tinyof dick.My math teacher Mr. Cain told me that I needed to improve my “attitude” and to show my work as to imagine. Incoup thestick words President of censorship in this country. Where these rrect answers on his tests. That really pissed me off because I knew I could run circles around the “has been” teacher without much difficulty. Still, I was smart enough to play his silly game and the Society for the Promotion of Community words are satisfied a result ofactuality, sex, horror, e me some “special” tutoring after school. He seemed surprised at my dedication to learning and acceded without any probingas of my agenda.In Mr. Cain was one of the younger Standards (SPCS), John Mills, the item is crime, cruelty violence, the material be have no obstacle married. That was unusual in a high school because almost all the teachers were married and had children of their own.I sator in the front seat and spread my knees will so he would “grossly objectionable” and “completely y pink pussycat panties. They were my favorite and I made certain I hid them so my greedy mom couldn’t steal themobjectionable, for her carnal pastimes. It was funny to see banned. how Mr. Cain made a real effort deemed and therefore lips pouting so prettily fromthe the front seat. He pretended deep in thought but I could see his cock pushing against his trousers trying to get into my pussycat panties.When he was trying vilifies central figure he ofwasChristianity”. Those five words represent the line that the me, I concentrated on pushing my hair back into a fresh ponytail holding the little band between my lips like a captured enemy soldier. I kept nodding my head to indicate that I understood state has decided to draw between freedom of ng and to keep his attention my face.Sometimes he would ask on me ayour queson social and I would cross and uncross my legs whilst licking the corner of my pretty little mouth before answering. I But you ondon’t need to rely only expression the protection of the public from steam building up below his belt. I pretended I didn’t understand a point he made and came up next to him to look at and his workbook allowing my tingling nipples to brush against his muscular conscience to stop you from accidentally on my waist slid downwards with tantalizing slowness to the top of my panty line. My slit by this time was which leaking uncontrollably. that is deemedI straightened nasty. up and then bent over lower so his hand was wearing this coarse piece of cloth down to of my ass almost cupping my quivering ass cheeks. I acted like I didn’t even notice and just kept talking real fast about the beauty of the problem he had designed for me to solve. I could tell he parish on afrom Sunday morning. Thishis hand to he was unable to your move a local single finger, so I shifted one leg to the other to enable become better acquainted with five both ofwords my cheeksare and the nice deep furrow But while these important, itin between.Finally, I felt his fingers start to explore my fanny with slow cautious expanding circles of inquisitive movements.I put both hands flat on his desk and leaned forward hoping he would take the is because the T-shirt isand banned. Possessing, doesn’t mean that they aren’t vague. After job on either my pussy or my rear door than Mr. Patel had done almost a full month ago.“Don’t move, Debbie, I promise I won’t hurt you.”I wanted to scream out.“Hurt me, Mr. Cain, Please dealing, or pretty much having anything to do all, what is the “public good”? And how can d and make me take it.”But I kept quiet and leaned forward not wanting to scare him away when things were just starting to get real interesting.The first thing he did was to lift my skirt up high with it is illegal, and doing any of the above will it bepanties injured? t leather belt. I thought this was an excellent first move.Then he hooked his fingers into my pink pussycat and lowered them to my knees. I couldn’t see because there was no mirror in land youheart-shaped with a hefty xpect the vision of my naked ass withfine. my fuzzy-haired slit and my quivering pucker hole was tempting beyond all conceivable reason to a man forced to stand motionless amongst ussy slits all day long.I heard noises behind me but I kept my eyes closed not wanting to spoil the moment.The touch of his cock head on my vaginal gasp with anticipation. Consider the masturbating nun.opening You made maymehave This, ladiesfucking and gentlemen, called censorship. a man possessed.t was absolutely great.One minuteis I was just bending over waiting and the next I was questions. part of dual fucking machine thatbig squished and slapped together like fleshy parts a few What’s the deal? I mean, fore we were two separate people, now we were just one. He was a part of me and I was a part of him. I took his cock deep inside and I never wanted him to take it out again. I knew that was you’ve probably seen worse online. In any case, d this sense of possessiveness that wanted put him in a cagebanned and keep him to myself.I could hear my own whining and whimpering and I marveled at how silly I sounded but I couldn’t The number of to publications inallNew does really whether you, the nunnery, he throes of a fantastic major orgasm and I had already dampened his desk with my female juices and evenitsome telltalematter sprinkles of my water that accidently squirted out without thinking. Zealand is greater than you might think. anyone finds it offensive? Is and thistaunted “public ain spanked my ass cheeks alternately and very hard. I am sure I will see the red marks when I get home this evening. The sound of my punishment was so exotic that I went intoor another series ofelse orgasmic convulsions. He laughed me with his dirty words unexciting but accurately titled Office of Film There are 1319 books, seven video games,* ve to admit, I really loved it. One of the things I liked about Mr. Patel is the way he would insult me when he had his fingers in a very private place under my panties. Sometimesgood” he would really do it in his ownabout languagethe and Ipreservation found that I didn’t even have to understand the just of the Literature forperverted I really was. So, I just whimpered and looked up at him like a silly little schoolgirl and begged and me.I a range films, including d things he was calling wantedof to yell out and tell Mr. Cain recent how muchaddition I loved everything heand was doing to me but IClassification was afraid I would let(or himOFLC, know just how arbitrary moral codes of one group in society short), Dr Jack—in conjunction thehad work ThethatHuman Centipede 2. Some I could tell he liked sense of reluctant acceptance on my of part these even if itbanned was pretend.Suddenly, I was soaking wet between my legs. I wondered with if Mr. Cain peed on me but I could feel that the liquid was all sticky like the cum on my mom’s panties. I figured he at the expense of the rest? Shouldn’t people just d it was so large items, that it hadsuch filled my and spilled onto my in legsnature. and onto the floor.We to meet the followingStandards day for a second lesson and I assured Mr. Cain that I needed the instruction and hinted that he might want to introduce my tight pucker of agreed the Broadcasting Authority, which astiny thevagina T-shirt, areoutsexual havelady, theI dare right totellwear they hing exercises as well.When I got home I showered and changed into clean panties.I was surprised when my mom came out of the bathroom with my dirty panties in he hand.“Young you to me thiswhatever is not some guy’s cumdamn on your well panties.”I had to laugh monitors the radio and television waves—is the Others, such as the video game Manhunt, feature rious.“Mom, I think those are a pair that you borrowed a couple of days ago. They must have just gotten some water from the shower on them that made it seem new.”She held them up to herAnd nostrils and inhaled scent. She lookedjust at meget withtheir doubt in her eyes and choose? won’t the the government man responsible for deciding what you can and gratuitous violence. And others are depictions eel and walked away. I noticed she was wearing another fresh pair of my panties. Harry could tell from the expression on his face that Nickolai was not happy to see him waitingfilthy outsidepaws the garage in the bus stop area. He was not really waiting for a bus and he offsitting me? can’t bepassengers exposed to. in on his conversation.\Nickolai was a stocky guy with a face that made one happy to not be in a dark alley alone with him in the middle of ofmore actual illegal acts—we’re talking snuff ne was not due for than half an hour. That was the reason he had the stop allfilms to himself with no other to listen ly, Harry knew the uglychild scars and broken nose was a here. big turn-on for most of the young girls looking for something different at closing time. Nickolai’s problem was that he really was not very skillful in close-in fighting and he was far too slow to hold his own against a and pornography
“petite”. I usually wear my hair in a pony-tailbut because that is just way my mom wears hers. I don’t have a father because my mom never took the time to get married. She had me when she was 16. My mom’s name is Billy and she is the ripe old age of 32.That is so It’s nearly absurd, it isn’t. If the there
ow she is able to stand it. We both walk around the house just wearing our panties most of the ti and from behind it is hard to tell the difference between us except my mom’s ass cheeks are a little fuller and droop just ever so slightly. Don’t get me wrong, they still look
Consider the masturbating nun. You may have a few questions. What’s the big deal? I mean, you’ve probably seen worse online.
ry had saved his ass on more than one occasion in their black market days when they were both rolling in money and had girls panting to get on-board the gravy train. Those days were gone forever and Nickolai had a wife and 3 kids in one of the subsidized apartment
-built section of the old city now.“What you want now, Harry? I only got about 2 hours before I got to go to Pancevo for Embassy provisions.”Harry looked up at the lumbering driver and told him, “I just need you for a quick run across the river to the train platform
nt to catch the overnight to Zagreb. There will be a passenger with me. Don’t ask her any questions. Pick us up outside my hotel in 15 minutes.”Nickolai just nodded his head and went back inside the garage to sign out the car with diplomatic plates. Harry knew they
or any reason and in these days it probably would not even be recorded because of slack operations around the city.Harry knew his associate would not mention anything to his fellow workers or even to his pretty young wife who was always worrying about money. He 18
he hotel hoping that “The Dancer” was already dressed and ready to start out.He handed her the back-pack that he had picked up at the station check room and she quickly opened it to extract some lipstick to put on her wind-chapped lips. He hoped she wasn’t stupid
eapons or drugs hidden inside. They went down the stairs and out the side entrance so the desk clerk would not ask any unwelcome questions.Nickolai was just pulling up in the Chevrolet Suburban and they jumped inside and were almost to the bridge before anyone
ry, I don’t park next to platform. Better I park one block over and you walk to platform. I be right, yes?”Harry looked at the vacant-eyed girl who was staring off into the distance utterly bored with everything around her.“Good thinking, Nickolai, here is something to
Partisan Tito. The faint but unmistakable odor of stale urine rose with stealthy insidiousness from the trash-littered floor.The slightly older than middle-aged Mr. Johnson was in reality an American, but he carried a Canadian passport and worked for a German import
respected in Belgrade. He carried with him glowing recommendations from high officials in the Ministry of the Interior and from the Ministry of Commerce. Neither of these well-known members of the current government had actually ever met Mr. Johnson but the
trusted advisors that the recommendations were warranted and would never come back to “bite” them. This was not the first time Harry had been to Belgrade. He was quite familiar with the layout of the city and knew the secret to using the excellent mass transit syst
course, Harry was not his real name and neither was Johnson, but they seemed innocuous enough to escape the notice of internal police.Harry theFEATURES was a familiar face around the American Embassy and he occasionally visited the Marine bar staying quietly in the darke
the laughter and the antics of the diplomatic corps. All that anyone knew of Harry was that he was a Canadian from some God-awful place in the frozen North and that he was quick to buy a drink for anyone who ventured to talk to him.For those of you who are cur
and unassuming Mr. Harry Johnson was shivering in the cold telephone booth, it can only be said that he was simply “following orders.”Harry thought back to a time when he was in almost the exact same location and he was waiting patiently for a defecting Bulgaria
transfer to the newest stage of his extraction into beautiful Italy on the Northern border.It was not as cold that time and his reason for shivering was an ingrained fear of being caught and not because of the elements. The Bulgarian Jew turned out to be a dud with rega
but he did know a number of possible future sources who were dirty with black market ties.This time his target was described simply as “The Dancer” and he was to take the target to Zagreb to secure some dependable travel documents. That sort of thing was not avail
longer because of the many crack-downs to rid the City of undesirable elements. He did know a Greek who worked over in Novi-Sad but as soon as he headed in that direction, Harry knew his cover would be useless for he had no reason to go in that direction.He kep
Ifschedule theseand aremade questions yank yourjustchain, found thegutmere mention of certain *** radar at the moment.A young girl approached h to read a railway several boguswhich calls on the telephone in case anyone wasCensors interested inalso his actions. Harry’s told him that not a single soul was interested in him and that he was not on anyone’s
thesheonly words aand source of with offence—especially if those direction of theyou’re river. He not assumed wantedone. to make a call but it was not convenient to his appointment he signaled his hands that he needed several more minutes for his call.The girl knocked on the glass door.He could see she was pretty even without any In 1976, Internal Affairs Allan Highet lipstick on her mouth. She leaned up close to the door and whispered,“I’m the dancer!”Suddenly, Harry was worried. This waswhile not a customary job or a of drop of no consequence. He tried to judge the odds thatMinister this might even be a trap of some elaborate design words were uttered in the transit presence indiscretions. He discounted the Serbs; they were too busy with their ownthe problems. on their chalkboard. For one scary moment, he considered that it might be the Mossad But for every person who believe that ideaThe Russians were concerned more with the anti-missile affair and the Balkans were not even declared that new legislation before Parliament
lady-folk. This is precisely what occurred with of censorship is inherently problematic, there the release of the film adaptation of James are equally as many who believe that censorship filtered through his brain that it was a film in which he wanted no part.He looked inside and like ofthe of society, the country. Hestandards hesitated to askhave, the outcome thatrest particular disaster.Thegone girl wasto shivering names, dearie, the saves trouble later on.”He looked tryingof his ‘toxic’ best not tomoral show that dogs.*** Citing thearound “levels pockets. They both looked a little hung-over from the night before.A drunk looking on the waste [...] that are penetrating our culture and running hoping some traveler would come running up needing transportation.Everything infecting the lives of so many in a debilitating right.“Listen little Miss Dancer, we are too exposed here and I think the station is not for us way”, the SPCS (who, coincidentally, were the funniest story you have ever heard.”They walked away, arm in arm, like old friends heading founded by a nun) are group such importantly, they were not followed.Harry’s hotel one was only a short who distancehold away. In fact, it He was expecting to make up some “cock and bull” story about his sister or his assistant a view.
dots on his fiasco in Venice. If it was them, then he was a dead man already and he might as well just go with the flow.Slowly, Harry opened the door and the slender girl slipped inside to get out of the chilly wind that made the cold even colder.“I am to tell you I am “
would move New Zealand toward “the maturity of attitude whereby the abolition of censorship for adults caninstinctively eventually a reality.” and moved closer to him for his become body heat.“My name is…”Harry quickly interrupte he wasThis scopingwas out the areachange for danger.Two militia in a to doorway the which ishuddled the key our smoking cigarettes with verge of frostbite was spread-eagled on the solitary bench in front of the station.A pair of taxis wa conundrum. References to ‘decency’ were looked to be all correct and in order.Still, he had that old familiar feeling in his gut that told him thrown out the door, and in determining what right now. Put your arm in mine and when we start to walk up the hill, I want you to laugh as th was “injurious to the public good”, censors to a warm and cozy room to make passionate love in the early morning hours.No one looked in t were required consider nature was almost “right around theto corner” as he wasthe so fond of sayingof likethe a litany when drunk and pr coming up to his room tothe have intended a cup of coffee,audience, but the deskman was snoring with his head back publication, and, elevator was so noisy it would certainly wake up the inquisitive clerk. It was far too early for othe perhaps most importantly, the effect of the their bulky clothing and he saw that the unwrapped package was stacked like a brick shithouse. F publication as a whole. The change meant that sex. However, this petite little package was neither brick nor a shithouse. She was curved softly in censorship became notit was about is shown, but need. It was really so very laughable for not thewhat right place or the right time for such depra sweater.Harry the coffee and on the how little tabletop andus. the girl relaxed on the only chair how itmade is shown, that burner affects
you this packet from the last stop.”The pretty girl handed Harry a manila envelope with a cloth ribbon tied around it. He held it in his hand like it was a live poisonous snake ready to send him to his maker. The whole thing looked like a scene from some thriller film.
danger of falling off his tilted chair.They took the stairs as quietly as possible because the they were able to slip into his tiny room without being spotted.Harry and the Dancer took off
“The escalation of sexual violence and other forms of criminal violence in NZ could be seen asasthe ‘canary the mine’ alert,” they toldon her lowered her eyes if reading his dirtyin thoughts and began to play with a button Salient. The public being andoutside it of make it to Zagreb easiest on the train but it good is better is if we catch a injured, ride to the station here. If I add a is little of sugar to the papers outside the City circle then they will most likely a bit sign of bad things to come. the phrase stuck in his mind whenever he encountered an attractive member of the opposite
her face looked up at him with a scared shyness that made him instantly aroused with sexual
sir?”He slowly sipped the thick black brew and replied,“Mid-mning at the latest providing
This is the line that the state has decided to draw between freedom of expression and the protection of the public from that which is deemed nasty
saw there were a set of photos and unfinished documents from a previous attempt to move the gi
Belgrade and board there. My papers are good but yours are shit and we would probably be scoop just stamp them and look thethis other approach way.”She lookedisatthe him standing over her and asked,“When Tucked within idea that
there are no problems on the way. Sometimes they have to stop for freight and it slows us down.”
freedom of expression is supreme. Unlike other He wanted to reach out and hold her in his arms but realized how unprofessional and inappropri While the SPCS claim that the problem is values, whether they be ‘community standards’ contented himself by just patting her hand.Her hand was still cold despite the fact they were in a nicely heated room. Harry hoped she would thaw out soon and perhaps even fall off to sleep not the law itself, but the censor’s application or was ‘family of expression have access to a vehicle until after noon.His friend and previous black market partner, Nickolai, a driver values’, now for the freedom American Embassy and he often drove Harry in one of the spa of it, destinations the glaring between their “spur of the moment” out ofdiscrepancy a sense of loyalty and addiction to danger. He never asked questions and had neveritdisappointed when he was in a jam.The girl was already asle is idea-neutral: does notHarry hold favourites. forward on theexpectations narrow chair.Harry of picked her up and found was light as a feather. Her head rested in the crook of his elbow and her soft breast made searing imprints on his chest. He g censorship andshethe actual Censors, the idea goes, should only intervene the wide bed and pulled her of risenthe skirtOFLC down to cover her legs before pulling up those a blanket to her neck. She turned away from him and his eyes focused on the swell of her rounded hips under practice is surely a sign that where it is absolutely necessary to prevent blanket.He pulled his thoughts together and began to inspect the documents in the manila packet. He could tell they were well-done but far from completion.There was a lot of work to be five words—“injurious to the public good”—are demonstrable The approach harm road up from the rail platform was all uphill and PC Lesley White had managed to work up a decent sweat before she gotharm. halfway up the winding road. Ofiscourse, she had her backpack on a farof from straightforward. focussed, moralising, it the is an approach satchel with both her hands. It was a little surprisingAs thatistheoften station necessary had no stationmaster, taxi or even a telephone to call for assistance.She sat down on her bag for a few moments to catchnot her breath and noticed and a sign on side of the road that proclaimed that t Joyce’s classic novel Ulysses in 1967, which in was times of kilometers trouble, it is history we in the world for male offenders only two ahead. Sheto almost laughed that out loud.“Why would they be sending a female constable, a very new female constable, for duty prison?” she out loud. Lesley pulled out her posting orders. It very s thatin aismen’s retained in thought the current legislation. featured thethat word Eager directions to the station, the time of her due arrival, and the duration of her posting. Lesley was not quite certain a full ‘fuck’—once. year in an isolated men’s prisonnot wouldto be beneficial to her career path or her social life.er mum would be quite upset at the turn of events. The must look. Then perhaps we might begin trample onobtain a work of such acclaim, butyoung ageLet a proud time for the widowed mother of five. Lesley was her only daughter and she was very pleased to see her a professional level artistic of employment at the tender of 19.All of the other recruits in the training course were stronger and older than Lesley b to understand how the nun got into this us consider, for one last time, the nun. attitude that brought her to the finish line and successful graduation. It didn’t matter to her thatstill she was at the bottom ofthe her class, so long as she passed.There of werethe only three females in the class of 22 and the other two women were seasoned radio dispatchers with an appalled by solitary deployment conundrum. Nudity alone is not objectionable. Nor is for each other’s company.She shouldered her bag and continued her journey up the hill to the fortress like stone building with tiny windows.The desk sergeant was disturbed when he read her marching orders. A couple of men in orange jumpers whom she assumed w f-bomb, censors adopted a hybrid option: the offensive Nor isin the blasphemy. But tile floor with slow and careful strokes. They both wore glasses and seemed quite normal and not what one would expect to see in a convicted offender. She heard the desk sergeant talking on language. the phone to someone “control tower.” “I amthe telling you, Dickie boy, film was permitted to screen, but only on the *** she doesn’t even look like she is an adult.”Suddenly, Lesley felt nervous because she was convinced the entire affair was a joke of some sort that was being played on her. She certainly didn’t effect, think she belonged the sergeant think she belonged here either; but overall in the here, words of thedidn’t then Deputy basis and females were segregated on wondered noticed that one of the bespectacled floor cleaners was making an odd signal to her with his tongue as ifthat it was males dancing all by itself in his open mouth. The young constable if the poor fellowwas was afflicted with some dreaded disease that supposedly ran rampa Chief Censor, that the T-shirt suggested Back The thesticks Public was bound prisons.Two rather largein burly menDay, with huge on theirGood belts came slowly down the stairs like uniformedsides Gods visiting the cinema. underworld. Thank They were both the same rank as she, a Police Constable, but Lesley felt certain their date of rank was far earlier than hers.e yo different of the God. “that Christians should be vilified for their smiling female up P.C. intimately and sniffed like he was some sort of hunting hound.“You can’t be wearing any perfume in here, dearie. It might agitate the inmates.”Lesley thought that was dreadfully personal consideng they hadn’t even been introduced.“P.C. White, sir. I assure y with notions of decency and religious beliefs, thatforwomen, it must be my bath soap stirred up by my working up a sweat coming up that long hill.”The desk returned my papersGood to her.“Follow these two lads up to the control tower, P.C. White; they will and be waiting you up there.including Don’t talk to any of the inmates; the Atsergeant times, the Public has meant something public order. Unsurprisingly then, that which and women, cannottold stop of weakness.”She went up the stairs carrying her bag. Neither of the two guards offered to help her but Lesley guessed that was appropriate to the circumstances since she was thechaste one out of placecelibate and not them.The sift commander me that it was most likely a muc strictly political. During the Waterfront Strike of was saucy tended to be placed straight in the that I would probably be reassigned in a couple of days. He directed the younger guard to escort her to the conjugal guest quarters since there were no accommodations for “members of the weaker sex.”Lesley followed the guard who allowed his name was Tommy up t themselves engaging in sexual activity”. And, 1951, when workers nationwide wenttheon strike objectionable box. theand 19th century rolled unit set aside for inmate conjugal visits fromAs spouses “fiancées” when they had behaved in an exemplary manner.The first thing she noticed inside room was the stack of condoms on the desk and the prominent display of lubricants and cleansing tissues. Tomm unlike a film, a book or a video game there was to protest theoften, working of the waterfront them and snickered a very20th, distasteful fashionimported making an obscene gesture with his fingers.“I come up here quite love, as itconditions is my duty to give female visitors a full body cavity search before their mates come into the room.”The blushing young girl looked at intointhe it was erotic literature no way in which access to this T-shirt could be told him,“I betfrom that’s something all look forward to considering your charming good looks.”Tommy visibly preened like a male Sidney peacock making Lesley realize he had absolutely no sense of her attempt at sarcasm. She quickly tried to hide her amusement at his ego workers, Prime Minister Holland declared Europetheywhich provided the sauce. But with restricted. birds do fancy me and that’s a fact, P.C. White.”She looked up at the tall, heavily muscled guard and smiled her prettiest smile asking,“Do ou get much action in this isolated place, Tommy?”He ulled that over a bit like he was digesting a bitter pill and replied,“Once a a state of emergency and proceeded to outlaw the emergence of new technological menaces, wives give me a tumble before the hubby shows up, but I would lose my job if the bosses found out. It’s all consensual and like that, but most of them are not much to look at, not like you…I mean, you are a lot younger and prettier looking than most of them, P.C. W of any material considered seditious— like cinema, censors guard tookand heavier steps towas attempting topossession things just behere unseen. felt a little guilty for baiting the slow-thinking appreciated that he answer her inquiry with an honest reply.“I am supposed to tell you that until youSome get reassigned out of here,cannot you can stay but you got to process the female visitors bec anything criticises government. elements which are us chaps getting“[eliminate] our fingers up intothe theirnoxious private business and all.”Lesley looked at Tommy and that’s asked,“Does that meanwhich I will have to give themthe the full body cavity searches and make sure they use condoms and stuff like that?”He seemed a little embarrassed and blurte *These are: Manhunt; Postal, Share back the Pain; instructed himtending to give her ato lesson on the proper as soon asofpossible.“You to give me a full body search, Tommy?”he man looked up at the ceiling and replied,“Yes, and Manhunt then you 2; have to doDemo; me so Postal, I can report that you are trained a That’s some Orwellian shit rightyoung there. destroy the procedure moral sense so manymean you have now and he could see the tension start to drain from her shoulders and her tiny little body.
RapeLay; Reservoir Dogs; Three Sisters’ Story.a bit friendlier after the exercise than at any tim trifle bit shocked but such procedures were part of her training at the academy only she was restricted to practice on the two radio operators and not any of the male recruits. Admittedly, both of the older women seemed
young persons”, as one parliamentarian put it in 1920. Among these “noxious elements” was, Hastings waswas a dean down at and Vic not Lawsome School ‘90s.with her boyfrien will use those gloves from the box with lots and lots of lube on them!”He was somewhat all a fumble as she stripped off her clothes.Lesley left her uniform shirt and tie on so he Mr. would remeer she a fellow officer bird in up the for alate tumble they are deemed objectionable because of the simple quaintly, any about the prevention as she was instructed in training andinformation reached back to lower her unflattering white knickers. Then she leaned over far enough forward that her puckered brown eye and her plumbWhooooh! pussy lips were exposed to full view. When she looked over her shoulder at Tommy, she n presence of certain things—whether they be cuss ***There is zero behind this calculation. air duct and correctly surmised that her “training” being viewedarising by an unknown bliss room wasmathematics professional and how much was for much-needed entertainment in the of conception and “anywasinfirmity fromnumber of guards in the control tower. Lesley wondered how much monitoring of the conjugal words, sex, ideas. The circumstances.Tommy was lathering up his fingers with gobs of lube and pressed forward to shove his hand up or her subversive tightly clenchedpolitical bum. She grabbed hold ofharm, the desk it to steady her and yelled out a very dirty word that was both unprofessional and unladylike.Lesley lo or relating to sexual intercourse”. camera and smiled at Tommy.“Get me in all the corners, Tommy; it is all right to use more fingers need reinforcements.”He her bumto viciously wasif you thought, was the mereworked exposure them.in every direction trying to get her to complain but she only encouraged him to greater efforts.Then, he put o
to being Chief Censor, now asoDistrict Judge, ashamed of the fact that each time they practiced on her; she emitted a fine spray of female juices the situations muscular women giggle poke deeper.“All right, Tommy, but**Prior let me divest myself of these pants and and boots, you canCourt have full access to my hidden cav Allthatofmade these have oneandthing in common:
goodness, and started in on her pussy. Fortunately, she was already leaking profusely and his entry was easily accomplished. However, when his fingers came up into contact with her still intact hymen, he shouted,“Good God, I don’t believe it!”Lesley was certain all the
tower were curious as to the reason for Tommy’s hesitation, not knowing she was still a virgin.He put his mouth down to her ear and whispered,“Don’t worry, love, I won’t tell anyone.”The very next day, Lesley was caught up in preparing the room for the female visito
wives, one very young and one very old, and a girlfriend who had the most shocking rainbow colored hair. She filled in the young girlfriend on the procedure and pointed out all the equipment including the choice of condoms that were specified for use by all particip
whose name was Doris, reminded her of her mother because of the large breasts that hung down like huge cantaloupes swinging from side to side. Doris’s pussy was wide and open, but her anus was puckered tight and difficult to stretch with her finger. Finally, she ma
inside and then moved up to a larger finger to explore the middle-aged woman’s bottom. Doris told her that she never let any man back there, even her hubby of some 20 years, because the priest told her it was the most shameful sin of all.The girl with the rainbow co
nervous and confided in Lesley that this was the first time she had visited her fiancée in prison. She also whispered,e only did it the one time and that was standing up. I don’t know if he will like me on my back underneath him. If he doesn’t, would it be all right if I le
against the wall because I know he really liked doing it that way?”Lesley was tempted to giggle because she was not really an expert in humping or fucking either in bed or standing with one’s face to the wall.Before the day was over, Lesley realized just how inexperienc
copulating and that perhaps it was time for her to have Tommy or some other volunteer relieve her of her unwanted cherry and show her why these females were so devoted to spreading their legs.The prison superintendent called her into his office and informed her th
at the prison for the next six months on a temporary status until suitable new postings were available.Lesley was happy at the news because she saw the assignment as an opportunity and not a clerical error. Susan Morris was a little bit plump. She was often seen eatin even though it was expressly forbidden. But her curvy body was attached to the prettiest head in the senior class at Brighton Central School for Gifted Students. It was a private school not connected to any religious group or sect. All of the students were from affluent
quite high.She was called “Sue” by everyone, the teachers, her fellow students, and even the janitor, Mr. Tumbly.Sue had been given corrections for her behavior and errors in judgment ever since she passed her 16th birthday because corporal punishment was prohibite
that occurrence.Sue possessed a face that was a composite of all the features desired by lusting males in their depraved fantasies of cherry red lips wrapped around rock-hard cocks, bedroom eyes that drew them in with the sensuous caress of soft submission, and a delic
demanded slapping by a pair of cum-filled sacs.There could be no doubt that Sue was the favorite cum-bucket of the male students19 and several of the male instructors as well. Her oral activities had begun shortly after her first correction when she had blubbered incohe
front of the head principal, Mr. Deppman. Putting down his paddle, the middle-aged principal threw all caution to the wind and instructed the bawling girl to “get on your knees, young lady!”Sue didn’t really know why she rushed to obey his command without hesit
Deppman’s cock shocked her into opening her mouth wide to accept it without any reluctance at all.The inexperienced 16 year old girl on her knees leaning forwarwith her panties down on her ankles looked up at the stern face of her school administrator and tried to
on opening wider, trying not to gag, and making eye contact. At one point, she reached out to balance herself by resting her hand on Mr. Deppman’s leg. He immediately slapped her hand away and warned her,“No hands, young lady. Now get all the way down to the
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Feminism I Love You (But You’re Bringing Me Down) If you, like me, have access to reliable internet and tumblr, you will no doubt be familiar with the group ‘Who Needs Feminism?’ Even if you don’t immediately recognise the name, the group disseminates images of people from all walks of life holding slogans with punchy and persuasive captions regarding why, exactly, they need feminism. It’s a cool idea in theory, and I spent much time daydreaming about what my slogan would say before I came up with: "I need (intersectional, sex-positive) feminism because equality rulez and patriarchy droolz". By Philip McSweeney
Not my most eloquent work, I grant you, but there is a very good reason to add those parenthesised clarifications above. ‘Feminism’ is an umbrella term that covers an unbelievably diverse amount of competing and often conflicting ideologies, some of which have been co-opted superciliously into ‘mainstream’ feminist dogma. And therein lies the problem. I have become disillusioned with feminism as it is conventionally expressed. My faith is waning, constantly put to the test by self-aggrandising sentiments and parochial critique. Feminism, I love you – but you’re bringing me down.
of tremendously positive use that are currently stagnating.
their innate identity. For many of us, this is unfathomable.
The source of my ire isn’t based on some childish, infelicitous interpretation of feminism either. I know that we live enmeshed in an egregious ‘rape culture’, wherein the utterly shitty practice of blaming the victim runs rampant. I am aware of the cultural double standards in place that work against women, regulating their occupations, bodies, sexualities and creative desires; and don’t even get me started on wage disparities and ‘feminine’ jobs.
In the interests of full disclosure: I am a heterosexual, cis-gendered, Pakeha, welleducated young fellow. I am cognisant of the privilege that these factors afford me, though I am by no means aware of all the manifestations thereof (that’s the thing about privilege; it’s an insidious fucker). When I talk about privilege, I am not saying that because you’re white you can’t have a shitty time (and if you have I’m sorry!) or whatever. I’m talking about a set of institutionalised values that make life easier to you that it is for others, if you can dig it. But, at the same time, I don’t think any social institution or ideology is beyond critique, and this goes especially for things that have the potential to be
What bothers me is that feminist discourse often erases the difficulties suffered by people who are affected by societal structure in other, more damaging ways. Put it this way: the only time I have to worry about public toilets is if I’ve eaten a particularly, erm, potent dinner the night before, and in those cases my concern is based on a) reaching the destination on time, and b) praying that the bathroom will be miraculously empty. For the trans* community, such a seemingly simple procedure is no fucking joke; IF the gender symbols provide adequate options (they almost never do) then there is still the issue of whether they’ll face harassment for merely being in the location they feel most comfortable in according to
Incidentally, these musings aren't just abstract blather. Earlier this year, the wellintentioned Wellington Young Feminists' Collective organised a 'love yr body pool party' without addressing the issue of trans* changing rooms (a year after, incidentally, hosting another function at a place inaccessible to the non-able-bodied). The backlash was immediate and fervent, and despite WYFC's honesty in acknowledging the fuck-up (and I'm not trying to rag on them here -- we all fuck up, and WYFC had both the tact to recognise their error and the initiative to rectify the situation in a sterling manner. Pretty laudable in my opinion). The resulting kerfuffle played a part both in a founding member's resignation, and in exposing the bigotry of many self-described feminists who had expressed discomfort at the idea of sharing a changing room with a trans* person.
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But don’t misunderstand me, ladies, gents and trans* folk. I don’t think the fact that many, many, many people have it worse off than white, middle-class privileged women attending a tertiary institution necessarily detracts from the plight of the latter. It’s the fact that transphobia still – in 2013 – exists
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and lingers in the feminist movement. It’s the endlessly repeated statistic regarding the pay-gap that omits the fact that Black/ Māori men earn anywhere between eight and ten percent less than white women do, and that Black/Māori women earn less still; in fact, they (along with other females in the ‘lower class’ income bracket) are responsible for the vastness of the wage disparity (NOT THAT I’M SAYING ANY WAGE DISPARITY IS ACCEPTABLE. 0.0001 per cent would be 0.0001 per cent too much.) It’s the oft-ignored fact that coloured women, women in poverty, and trans* peoples are disproportionately more likely to be raped than white women. It’s the irredeemable suicide and homelessness rate amongst LGBTQ youth. Any such omissions in feminist discourse are at best disingenuous and at worst manipulative. But, I hear you contend, why can’t we just take inequality one step at a time? Tackle it piecemeal? Because, I would retort, that is tantamount to privilege defending privilege; to focus exclusively on (white, hetero, etc.) women’s issues is to entrench the marginalisation and oppression of the people who need feminism's message of equality and progress the most. And then there’s the ‘sex-negative’ message that certain branches of feminism support, which reached a certain tyrannical pinnacle during the ‘second wave’ of feminism that resulted in the ‘Feminists Against Porn’ (FAP - ironic acronym alert) movement regulating the industry, indicting men and women alike who enjoy sexual acts outside the norm (e.g. BDSM, watersports) as well as prostitutes and sex workers – without consulting them first, assuming naturally
that they were either exploited or that they’re labouring under a delusion of ‘false consciousness'. It turns out that both sides of the team can end up stigmatising sex. This is not to say that pornography
The only time I have to worry about public toilets is if I’ve eaten a particularly, erm, potent dinner the night before... For the trans* community, such a seemingly simple procedure is no fucking joke isn’t in some ways problematic (it is, of course), but, I mean, doesn’t regulating women’s bodies and prescribing which sexual acts they should enjoy seem a little bit like transferring the worst parts of the patriarchy into a new outlet? In order to get some perspective I decided to make an appointment with someone more knowledgeable in the subject than myself. I had the pleasure of interviewing Jennifer Souness, madam of the prestigious highend brothel ‘Bon Ton’ whose location (which I won’t divulge here; look it up and prepare to be surprised. You will have walked past it unwittingly countless times) belies the discretion that is crucial to its function. During the awkwardness of our first correspondence (the first time,
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I hasten to add, that I have contacted a brothel) she set my mind at ease by quipping "don’t worry – I’m used to awkward men". Well, indeed. It is worth noting here that Bon Ton is a reputable brothel. A BBC documentary awarded it the title of ‘best brothel in the world’. Its going (or ‘coming’ as it were) rate averages at about $400 an hour (with kinks such as anal and facials costing extra), and as such it cannot exactly be considered representative of the sex work industry in New Zealand as a whole. Yet the insights offered throughout my interview were illuminating. Jennifer was sharp and, I imagine, pragmatic. Her attitude towards sex is cavalier, blunt and often hilarious: "What do you do when you wake up in the morning? You take a shit... we all shit but Hollywood doesn’t make movies about that". To her, a superfluous amount of import is given to a glorified bodily function, and the preoccupation with it is ultimately repressive. There are safeguards in place to protect against unruly clients. Adorned on the office wall is a go-to list of responses if a client becomes difficult about using contraception, ranging from the blunt to the flirtatious to the outright sassy (my favourite: don’t you want to leave something for your wife to do?). The girls are free to leave and report the client if they feel uncomfortable, whereupon he is banned. The intoxicated/stoned/ fucked-up need not apply either. "You wouldn’t let someone buy another drink if they were smashed, you wouldn’t let them drive if they were on P… then why
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would you let them fuck a teenage girl?" These are not, it would seem, exploited or subjugated women. That is not to say that approval of sex work comes without provisos and caveats. Jennifer is of the opinion that brothels should be run by females; this position was entrenched when she was told by [unnamed male owner of unnamed brothel] "if I had a pussy I would just fuck all day". There is an exploitative undercurrent to some sexwork institutions (especially in Third-World countries), and it is crucial not be swayed by upmarket First-World counterpoints where there are regulations in place that enable empowerment via sex work. But, by the same token, it would be callow to make a sweeping generalisation based on the worst aspects of sex work, and even worse to appropriate the voice of victims in order to pursue a certain agenda. When asked about what she thought of feminism, she responded "I have a love-hate relationship with feminism" before pausing: "mostly hate". This stems from an antipathy towards the doctrines of the second wave, whose effects linger malignantly in both her personal and professional life; the denial and rejection of what Souness calls "natural femininity", the unpleasant and inaccurate assumptions about ‘sex work’ that proved to be costly to psyches around the world. And this is what is most important for feminists today to understand, I think; the hangover of second-wave ideology still persists and disgruntles to this day. It is easy to see the porn workers and prostitutes destroyed by the efforts of FAP, those women who were told to be ‘less feminine’,
the trans* individuals who were derided and seen as encroachers upon the ‘true female’ essence, those who were told that enjoyment of vaginal sex was based on ‘deluded false consciousness’ and who were discouraged from embracing sexuality as incidental victims in the cause for progress. In fact, the movement often served to increase and entrench marginalisation of the lessprivileged and diminish their self-worth. The hostility towards it is not misguided. It has done a tremendous amount of good, but it should be acknowledged that it also has a great deal to answer for.
The ideological divide between ‘sex-positivism’ and its opponent is so gaping, so yawningly huge... These are not petty differences; these are irreconcilable schisms. Jennifer related a great scenario that summed things up aptly: "say you go home with a guy [and have a terrible time] and then ring your mum in the morning. She’s going to be fairly understanding right, sympathetic? Then imagine you tell your Mum ‘oh, I had the most wonderful evening…. went home with this guy and left in the morning with $2000 in my pocket. She’d be furious, wouldn’t she?" While I found this illuminating when it came to irrational stigmas attached to sex work, I thought it would be even more interesting if 22
you dropped the $2000 out of the scenario; I suspect that for many, the result would be exactly the same. Sex is still such a shameful thing in so many quarters, and this shame is something no one who engages in consensual enjoyment should have to live with. You could well rebut this diatribe by saying that feminism does make room for these concerns, and you’d be entirely correct: the ‘intersectional’ and ‘sex-positive’ movements I mentioned waaay back address these issues, with intersectional feminism operating under the premise that there is an ‘interlocking matrix of oppression’ that must be taken into account, and with sex-positivism adhering to its selfexplanatory descriptor. But why should I have to make these clarifications, when they should be the standard position? Moreover, the ideological divide between ‘nonintersectional feminism’ and ‘intersectional feminism’ (and ‘sex-positivism’ and its opponent too) is so gaping, so yawningly huge, that to tag them under the same ideological label seems misleading. These are not petty differences; these are irreconcilable schisms. So, what can we do? There’s a quote that has been doing the rounds on tumblr that I’m particularly fond of: “Men who want to be feminists do not need to be given a space in feminism. They need to take the space they have in society and make it feminist." Preach. The same applies: as feminists, we need to make feminist spaces intersectional, sexpositive and inclusive. We need to make it the default and the norm, not the outlier, for the good of us all. Kia kaha and arohanui.
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Probing the Punters: The Offensive? Edition Questions: 1. What types of media content— whether it be jokes, TV shows, news etc—do you find offensive? 2. Do you think New Zealand has a 'PC problem'?
Richard Prosser New Zealand First MP
1) I don’t find very much offensive at all; not because there are not plenty of examples of material which is created and disseminated with the intention of causing offence, but because for the most part I choose not to be offended. Taking offence is, of course, entirely a matter of choice. To be offended is an emotional response, based on an acceptance that someone else, by their actions and intentions, is in control of one’s emotions, and by extension, one’s mind and decision-making processes. I do not accept that reality, and thus take offence only when I decide that I want to do so. There is of course much which I regard as inappropriate or distasteful, but that is a separate matter entirely. 2)
Yes.
Rory McCourt VUWSA President
1) One can find offence in almost anything if they try. Whereas, I’m a liberal and I tend to think the arts, media and speech around us ought to be as free as a bird. I take issue when bigotry, discrimination and ignorance creeps into policymaking. Feel free to be stupid, but not on my time.
2) Yes, absolutely. I think everyone should have a Mac.
Cameron Slater Editor of The Truth
1) Not much at all, sometime humour needs to be offensive, as does some commentary in order to garner a reaction. Politics especially is all about reactions: you can't be all things to all people, so somebody is going to be offended. And that is okay; being offended is as much a human right as being offensive. 2) Yes...the media love running headlines about some one or other being offended about something. Does it make it news? Not generally. The correct response to something offensive is either ignoring them or telling them to shut up...it shouldn't be running like a crybaby to the media because you are upset a bit.
Ursula Robinson Student
1)
It's less the obvious misogyny and racism and homophobia that bothers me, because at least that has the advantage of being easy dismissed as bigotry by the public at large. It's the prevalence of representations of kiwi-bloke masculinity, for instance, the way a certain kind of rough inconsideration is tacitly endorsed and reinforced through a lot of our media, that creates an environment where bigotry can flourish. Kitchen jokes don't spring fully formed out of a vaccuum.
attitudes. Recognising freedom of expression isn't a free pass to dismiss ethical concerns about other people; the right to free speech is also the right to be an asshole.
Rosie Leadbitter Student
1) I'm a zealous believer in words being a massive tool in disseminating either damaging or helpful messages about sensitive topics or minority groups. I thus have absolutely no tolerance for 'jokes' that shit upon such groups for cheap entertainment because a) they are the easiest targets and that is consequently the opposite of 'edgy' humour, and b) such 'jokes' or satirical articles or news pieces, regardless of intent, are never going to be consumed and interpreted by all people in the way that the author/creator intended. 2) I feel that what is characterised as the typically 'Kiwi' psyche has an allergy to people 'kicking up a fuss' or being 'unable to take a joke'. I personally find it infuriating because I'd like the word 'PC' to be exchanged for 'having the human decency to acknowledge the multitudes of privilege you may possess and acting accordingly and with humility because your right to 'freedom of speech' should never trump people's lived experiences of oppression. It's a bit wordier though; may not take off. Dr. Jon Johansson
2) I think anyone who talks about
Political Science professor
a 'PC' problem obviously feels so entitled to their privilege that they're not willing to relinquish it for the sake of treating less privileged people like human beings. There's a lot of obstinate emphasis on the virtue of our down-to-earth, blunt kiwi
1) Offensive content on TV? Narda, no, nothing whatsoever.
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2) No - only for those with pettifogging instincts.
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Cunt
The Last Bastion of Bad?
Cunts! Cunty cunt cunt cuntcuntcuntcunt. Are you filled with rage now? Disgust? An uncomfortable feeling of arousal? Some words are difficult. When someone says ‘cunt’, whatever the context, you can expect someone to at least wince. Depending on the way it is used it can sound horribly violent. What isn’t totally clear however, is why 'cunt' is so problematic. Like most things that are offensive, cunt is plagued by a tangled, confusing web of stuff. Are vaginas just terribly repulsive? Is that why we shy away from it? Plainly not. Words are thrown around today with abandon that would have, at the slightest mention, have caused the heads of people a short time ago to explode. We are desensitised to so many things. Putting aside the more pointed terms used to disparage racial groups and the like, 'cunt' is just about the last bastion of bad. By Patrick Hunn
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'Cunt' is a really old word. While the etymology of the word is murky- in part because people have historically been reluctant to put it on the page, it is suspected that cunt was originally the factual AngloSaxon term for the vulva. Before the world became terrified at the mention of it, 'cunt' became what was merely a sort of colloquial word used interchangeably with other references to female genitalia. By the time 'cunts' begin to pop up in early English literature, they generally had a comical tone: Chaucer, for instance, was very fond of throwing a ‘queynte’ or two (or three or four or five) into his stories. It pops up in a number of guises in early English literature, usually for comic effect: in 12th-century Britain there were a number of Gropecunte Lanes, noted for prostitution, peppering streets all over the country. If you’re in the UK and you find yourself on a street, lane or road with Grope, Grape or Grove in the name, then chances are it used to be some form of Gropecunte. The word was rough, certainly, but for a lot of people it wasn’t obscene. By the time Francis Grose wrote his 1785 treasure A Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue he listed the word without any reference to a woman’s parts as "a nasty term for a nasty thing", and it wasn’t listed in any major English dictionary until 1961. The strangest thing about 'cunt' is that it is a member of the increasingly exclusive club of words that can genuinely shock people. Professor of Linguistics at Victoria University, Janet Holmes, says that most swear words come from one of two groups. The first is "religion, and God in particular, so in the past things like ‘Jesus’ and ‘Christ’ were taken really seriously." 'Cunt' isn’t strictly a religious thing, although a few people might avidly disagree with that. Secondly, and more relevantly, Holmes points to "the human body, particularly those that refer to sexual reproduction," and says that there are a lot of words of this kind that have lost their power as time has passed, giving ‘bugger’ as a particularly apt example. While in many contexts ‘Bugger’ has, in the past, has only really referred to anal intercourse, particularly between men, which is often surprising to many younger people. Which
is another thing Holmes makes clear is an important factor in sucking the shock power out of something: repetition. 'Fucks' are thrown around liberally to flavor and intensify conversation, while, in contrast, cunt “isn’t one that people feel confident using in many contexts”. In New Zealand (and sometimes in Australia and the UK too), tacking a positive qualifier before it turns what is, for some reason, a slur into a genuine display of approval. "Good cunt! Great cunt!" Which is weird. Is it supposed to mean that most vaginas are bad by default? It’s not a very diverse spectrum.
"You can go on and on and on about
dicks and, while they might think you’re a creep, nobody is
going to sock you in the face for it."
I’m not really qualified to say, but several owners of bona fide vaginas assure me that they are generally great or at least not all that bad. Maybe, if we’re being serious about it, we should have 'Liminal Cunts' and 'Totally Okay Cunts' and 'Not-That-Fussed Cunts' too. Or we could set up the Bureau of Vaginal Standards and Grading. But this is important—contextually we’ve managed to wrangle cunt into a sort-of-but-not-reallyOK form. Holmes says that these are what sociolinguists refer to as jocular or mock insults, and that they are a reminder that you can’t ever "take a word in a vacuum and give it meaning.” While it might sound obvious, references to the penis, conversely, are never that big of a deal. You can go on and on and on about dicks and, while they might think you’re a creep, nobody is going to sock you in the
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face for it. 'Cunt' occupies a space all of its own. Holmes explains this by pointing to the English language’s sorry history of villainising the feminine. “Things that are associated to women are more commonly offensive. In general… there are more terms of abuse for men than there are for women.” Consider 'witch', 'spinster', 'mistress' and, historically, 'girl', which are essentially bywords for evil; 'couldn’t get a husband and doesn’t deserve her vagina'; 'woman of the night', and 'young and sexually available'. When you put them next to 'wizard', 'bachelor', 'mister' and 'boy,' which can mean 'rad guy with a wand'; 'single and ready to mingle'; 'a human man', and… 'boy', it becomes apparent that we are very good at applying sex to just about anything vaguely feminine. Holmes also points out that these are often the most extreme insults one can impart. Holmes gives the example of Greg Williams, an Aussie Rules player, who called an Aboriginal member of the opposing team a “black cunt”, and says that when it was reported in the media “it was only reported as a racially offensive term. The worry about causing offence was so great that they didn’t print the second half.” Well, then, can 'cunt' be reclaimed? Should it be? Has it already been? Reclamation is the process whereby a group take back a term used against the members for their own means. Black people have managed this with some words. Queer people have as well, sort-of. The problem, one supposes, is that women are less of a cohesive cultural group. (unlike African-American people for example, repurposing that word that begins with an N). Some women can say 'cunt' without anyone batting an eye—it just sounds OK, probably because it should. Women do have them, after all. Even so, the word still sounds overtly political when it is used in a context where its use is calculated. Maybe the key, as Holmes says, lies in repetition: if enough ladies say cunt enough in a way that isn’t intended to crush another then perhaps one day it’ll be the most banal thing ever. Maybe we will have moved onto another body part to fuel the fires of our outrage. Like feet, as in “oh that guy is such a foot”. It could work.
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GERARD BUTLER
AARON ECKHART
MORGAN FREEMAN
AND
FROM THE DIRECTOR OF TRAINING DAY
OLYMPUSHASFALLENMOVIE.CO.NZ
29 IN CINEMAS APRIL 18
YOUR STUDENTS’
ASSOCIATION
your students' association
THE McCOURT REPORT VUWSA President Rory McCourt My philosophy is that you can either take offense to things, or organise to change them. Change isn’t impossible when you have democracy. Democracy is a wonderful thing. It’s when individuals come together to make decisions that impact on the group. It allows us to debate, discuss and take action on the issues that matter to us. That’s why it’s the lifeblood of us—your students’ association, and the work we do. VUWSA has a rich history of backing the campaigns and issues that mattered to students over different generations. We were at the forefront of the Maori renaissance, women’s liberation action and the Anti-Apartheid movement. Students are often ahead of the curve in agitating for social change in New Zealand. We were one of the earliest communities to back free contraception, safe and legal abortion and of course homosexual law reform.
I hope you can see from our experience with Marriage Equality that there are opportunities for us as a student body to get together and campaign on the issues that matter to students—and get real change on the other side. There is no such thing as a ‘student issue’ and a ‘nonstudent issue’. While some campaigns are more obvious in how they impact on students, like Fairer Fares, all issues are valid when people have a chance to have their say in whether their students’ association picks them up. That’s democracy. No one person or philosophy decides who we are or what we do. It’s the whole group who gets a say. On that note, I invite you along to our IGM this Wednesday at 1pm (come from 12.45 to win awesome spot prizes!). There I’ll update you on how we’re going, and then we’ll have a debate on whether to support the member-driven motions on climate change action. It’s a bit contentious, so make sure you come along to hear both sides and vote it up or down! Better voting everyone, Rory
Our place in the Queer rights movement was solidified by the campaigning done over the two decades after 1986 for the full social emancipation of gay, lesbian, bi and trans* people across the law and society. Many of us fought bravely, often in the face of strong opposition, for the Civil Union legislation. I’m really proud that last year we backed Marriage Equality. It’s a common-sense change that allows equality before the law so that all our members have the same rights. It’s about fairness. While I’m really proud we backed this campaign—I’m even prouder that the desire to back it came from our members. Through a motion (a vote) at a General Meeting in 2011, and a more explicit one in 2012, we heard loud and clear from a large proportion of our members that they wanted action. The motion was then sent out for all 14,000 members to have their say through online referendum. The result was a resounding 87 per cent of students who voted backed VUWSA taking action and helping the campaign for a marriage equality bill to pass. After that vote we went and met MPs and community leaders and told them what our members were saying on the issue. I am convinced that this work and the stories of our members, especially you amazing queer students, had a big impact on the margin of the Bill’s passage through first and second readings in Parliament. This week, we’ll see that work bear fruit as over two-thirds of MPs are set to vote for equality and within weeks all the peoples will have all the marriage rights. That’s pretty cool. I’m stoked students could be part of it and add our important voice to the conversation. I’m especially stoked it was driven by our members.
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NGAI TAUIRA
Education Officer
Kia ora mai tātou,
By Gemma Swan, Education Officer
This week we’re talking about the Māori business major at the Faculty of Commerce and Administration—or what is left of it anyways. Currently the faculty is not offering the major to new students, and those students who started it before this year are being offered ‘alternative’ papers to MBUS202 and MBUS302, namely with MGMT and FCOM papers, effectively changing the kaupapa of the major. Slowly but surely it seems, the Māori business major is being phased out.
Here we are guys, week six! My favourite time of year, when everything is due at once (sarcasm). I write this article bearing gifts, which are disguised as Education-Officer tips. Although things may be getting on top of you, remember that there are many services within the University which can help you through this time of year.
We think this is a huge mistake on the part of the faculty as this particular major is something that sets Victoria apart, and shows their commitment to Te Tiriti o Waitangi and advancing the interests of Māori, as tangata whenua of Aotearoa.
Student Learning Support Services (SLSS) are located at the bottom of Old Kirk. Make good use of this service: they can help a C+ student work at a B+ level, or help an A-grade student get that A+. Available to every level of study. IMPORTANT: it is okay to ask for an extension. It doesn’t mean you are a lost cause or a failure: rather, it shows that you are able to recognise your schedule in advance, and that you care about your grade. Lecturers are willing to give you extensions, if you apply in advance. Thinking and planning in advance is a great skill to have—it has many health benefits! How, you may ask? Well you might have heard about the concept of the ‘six week dip’, the time of the year at which everything gets busier, more stressful, and frankly, it’s still only week six. This concept usually applies more to you first years. Am I in the right course? Can I do this? Can I brave the walk up the hill to Uni? But I believe this applies to every other year group as well. It’s the point at which you’ve been paying rent for a few months now, it is getting colder, and basically, you can’t wait to graduate, and it’s only week 6! Overcoming the 6 Week Dip frame of mind will lead to a healthier, positive second half of the semester through good organisation! Never fear, for VUWSA is here! The Education Team is dedicated to you getting the best out of your courses. Use our services! Our Class Reps have all been trained up to our professional representation standards, and they are there for you. Use the Facebook pages they have set up so you can discuss that tricky assignment as a whole class, Class Rep what you think of the lecturer—are you understanding the course content? Want to contest a grade? Give Lorraine, our Advocacy expert, a call. There are so many ways in which we can help you get through the semester and end with shining grades, which you can dish your parents on a silver platter, who will then dish you up dinner on a silver platter for doing so well! Yours in Academic sincerity, Gemma.
The VUWSA IGM (Initial General Meeting) is taking place this Wednesday 17 April from 1pm on Level 2, Student Union Building, Kelburn Campus. Spot Prizes from 12.45pm and free pizza!
We’d like to hear from students and alumni who have an interest in this area, particularly if you are a second or third year student who started an FCA degree with the intention of doing Māori business, but have found that it is no longer available. If you would like to get involved, have had any issues with the change, or are unsure about what the change means for you, please email us at ngaitauira@vuw.ac.nz.
PASIFIKA STUDENTS' COUNCIL Loto Aho Study Session Kirk Building (room next to Ema’s office), Wednesdays 4-6 pm (No need to sign up, feed provided after session.) Ema Sanga's Critical Thinking Workshop Tuesdays and Thursdays from 12-1 pm, Pasifika Haos. (No need to sign up.) Tivaevae-Making Session Tuesdays, 5 pm at Pasifika Haos. VUSSA (VUW Samoan Students’ Association) Practices Tuesdays, 5 pm at SUB 217 and SU218 Thursdays, 5 pm at Tennis Pavillion. Hula with Te Kura Wednesdays, 7.30 am at Dance Room, VUW Rec Centre. FHSS Drop-in Course Advice Fridays, 1 pm at Pasifika Haos. Ema Sanga SLSS Drop-in Session Fridays, 1 pm at Pasifika Haos. Jenny and Sera Te Putahi Atawhai Drop-in Session Fridays, 1 pm at Pasifika Haos .
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things that go bump in the night
lux lisbon
w it h
Cum at me, bro HBO’s TV series Girls has certainly not shied away from being both raw and brutally honest in its depiction of early adulthood. Episode nine of the most recently aired season, appropriately titled ‘On All Fours’ pioneered new taboo territory, depicting one of the only onscreen cumshots I can recall. The depiction was problematic and has been termed as ‘grey rape’ by some online critics, but it got me wondering at a more general level—is the cumshot really that offensive? Like all things sex-related, whether we term something offensive depends entirely on our own and our partner’s motivations, what each of you enjoy, and the extent to which enthusiastic consent has been obtained. For this reason, if you recoiled in disgust when Adam busted a nut on Natalia, by no means does this make you a prude; the scene encompassed classically troubling themes of male entitlement and female sexual subordination, and was no shining example of a healthy sexual relationship.
One of the most harmful ways in which society controls our sexuality is by telling us what we should and should not enjoy, and what is and is not sexy/ feminine/masculine/offensive. We need to stop perpetuating this bullshit. It is true that the bulk of mass-produced hetero-porn that litters the internet has an influence on how we negotiate our sexual relationships and dictates the ways in which we choose to have sex. Unfortunately, at a very generalised level this has meant that teenage boys feel that the measure of sexual success is to blow your load on a woman’s face, while women are told that if you don’t grin and bear it, men won’t find you desirable. By all means, it is important to be aware of the effect of this. As aptly put by Bitch Media’s Becky Sharper, we do not fuck in a vacuum, and, “no matter how liberated you think you are, the truth is, your sexual development did not just happen spontaneously”. The moral is: base your sexual relationships around what feels
good for you and your partner, not what you are told you are supposed to enjoy. So, if it gets you hot when your boo blows his baby batter on your arse, stomach, chest or face, then by all means, glaze away. What you choose do in the privacy of your own bedroom is your own business and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Lux you long time x. Lux Lisbon is our resident sex columnist for 2013. If there is anything in your life they could help shed a little light on, or a topic you want them to cover, go right ahead and send a little inbox love to luxatsalient @ gmail . com .
If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately and confidentially with a professional, rather than
Lux Lisbon, the Student
Counselling Service can provide a safe place to explore such aspects of your life. free and confidential.
The service is
Phone (04) 463 5310. Email
counselling-service@vuw.ac.nz.
Visit Mauri Ora,
Level 1, Student Union Building.
Secret diary of Kim Jong-un ORIENTAL
Boring. I just want someone to play Risk with! Nanny says someone called Donkey from New Zealand said he'd play. At least she thinks that's what he said. All she could hear was "hee-haw".
Dear Di-di, I miss my daddy! I have watched every single episode of The O.C. ever, so I know all about the five stages of grief. Just like Summer after Marissa died. Right now I’m at the ANGRY stage. People are saying really mean things about me on the internet. Mostly about my hair. They said it looked like Daniel Day Lewis’s moustache. MY HAIR IS NOT A MOUSTACHE. AAAARGH. Dad would love my hair. He had a great sense of style. I’m new at school and I don't like it. On the weekend all the big kids had a party but they didn’t invite me and I feel really angry. Like the Hulk. Di-di, do you know what else made me really mad this week? Margaret Thatcher. She went and died and people stopped watching me! Like come on, everyone thought she was dead already. That's not news. Since I didn’t get invited to the party on the weekend, I’m finding it really hard to make friends. It’s tricky 'cos there aren’t many people as cool as me, you know? 'Cos like, none of my old friends have the power to blow up the rest of the world so they’re sooo 2010.
Dad left me some pretty cool toys to play with and I know how to use them because I love Homer on The Simpsons. Homer is my best friend. I love donuts, and Homer loves donuts. I thought I would show Obama the cool toys I found but he said he doesn’t want to play and it made me really angry. HULK SMASH. But then I thought maybe he just thought my toys weren’t cool enough. 'Cos he probably has really cool toys, too. So I showed him some more. I’m a bit confused though 'cos now all the popular kids are bringing out their defensive strategies. I DIDN’T INVITE THEM. But I think maybe this means I'm 'in', so I guess I’ll keep playing and when I win, I'll celebrate by riding my imaginary horse. Op op. Okay, time for Battleships with Nanny. Keep cool after school, Kim. Love, Yourself.
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our Life Fixing Y[BECAUSE OURS ARE WRITTEN OFF] HARD TRUTHS
Hector SOCIAL JUSTICE Don’t call yourself a chauvinist. Ironic racism is pretty much regular racism, but without self-awareness. Men’s rights is not a legitimate thing, ever. Fedoras are not now, and never will be, cool. White people don’t ever, ever get to use the N-word.
Stop living life like it’s a television show. Social-justice issues are born of societal changes and will never truly go away. Bureaucratic scandals are merely a by-product of democracy. Ross and Rachel are probably divorced by now.
Janet
RELATIONSHIPS It’s just not worth befriending BSc students. If you’re reading VUW Cupid, you are at least ten per cent hoping to find love. Just tell them you don’t want a date for fuck’s sake. If you must do porn, make up a fake name. Don’t use Hector though! Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the perfect blend of frightening, intellectual and vaguely feminist for a date viewing. No, genuinely, just say you don’t want to date them.
RELIGION If they give you lots of free stuff, the costs will come later. Atheists are just as preachy as religious folk. Doctor Who is not a deity and never will be. You probably don’t respect all the other faiths enough.
HI, HOW ARE YOU. I tried to ape Hector and failed. In the end, I couldn’t make him take credit for the below:
SELF Your own vulnerability is nigh on uncontrollable. Everyone wants to be thought of in a certain way, and they curate the light in which you see them accordingly. If your body works, you’ve got very little reason not to like it. You are not David Foster Wallace. Only he was—and he sure as fuck didn’t enjoy it. If you deal with stress by going to Sandwiches and I deal with it by listening to ‘This Year’s Love’ on repeat in the bath, we ought to respect each other’s positions (while never actually meeting).
Janet and Hector are our resident advice columnists for 2013. If you've got a problem you'd like them to solve, send your queries through to editor@salient.org.nz, subject: 'ADVICE'.
LOUD PANTS Always and forever. See? There are better and worse ways to be offended: arching a disapproving eyebrow, snorting with derision, a painfully sassy email, or (my personal favourite) setting your ‘winged Twitter monkeys’ on the perpetrator. There are also better and worse ways to be offensive: extrapolating a general principle from a single experience, being a leftie that claims to have loved Thatcher, acting in a way that doesn’t respect people’s feelings, or not remembering my name when we have met more than once before when I’ve been wearing mascara. I find spending time with people that are consistently offended to be very stressful. It’s all very heavy when the context is that the statement was something ‘borderline’ that the perpetrator claims was intended as a joke. Indicate your negative reaction, point out that it’s inappropriate, articulate why, and move on. There’s only so many times you can hear about something being “problematic” before you’re like “Whey hey! I’m going home to look up Billy Connolly telling dwarf jokes, and it’s ON YOU.” I didn’t want to end on a borderlineoffensive note, but let’s see if you were listening.
If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately and confidentially with a professional, rather than Hector and Janet, Student Counselling Service can provide a safe place to explore such aspects of your life. The service is free and confidential. Phone (04) 463 5310. Email counsellingservice@vuw.ac.nz. Visit Mauri Ora, Level 1, Student Union Building.
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laying down the law
Weekly Rant
See it, read it, cringe… when are we ‘allowed’ to be offended?
Christ Almighty By Matthew Bayliss
By Molly Woods Saddam Hussein collecting for charity, Kim Jong-il selling hot dogs, Pope Benedict XVI marrying a male couple, and now Chairman Mao dancing like he’s in Estab. We’ve all seen the Powershop billboards and most of us probably LOLed. “Same power, different attitude”—in my opinion their attitude rocks. Some though, disagreed. The latest billboard was swiftly banned from Auckland bus shelters by the Auckland City Council: it’s offensive, they said. Well now, is it? The legally correct answer is no. Allegedly offensive publications are assessed for objectionability according to the Films, Videos and Publications Act 1993. The first hurdle to pass is subject matter: the publication must deal with content such as “sex, horror, crime, cruelty or violence” in order to be considered objectionable for the purposes of censorship. Immediately, the Mao billboard seems safe, as there is no cruelty or violence depicted on the poster. The dancing Chinese leader may be culturally insensitive, but we don’t seem to care about that. Throughout the New Zealand legal system, free speech is heralded as a king right. That is, we often give more weight to protecting freedom of expression than other competing interests. Here, the law tells us that the Mao billboard is okay as this is not the kind of insult important enough to result in a curtailment of free speech. So what is? A brilliant example of such offending is Solid Gold Bomb T-shirt designs, heavily criticised in the UK after their ‘rape series’ appeared on Amazon.co.uk. “Keep Calm and Rape All”; “Keep Calm and Choke Her”; “Keep Calm and Rape Off”. These are the sorts of publications that we’re supposed to find offensive. Our legislation tells us that they are particularly dangerous, as they treat the relevant content in a way that makes light of such activities, even promotes them. The promotion of these awful activities is exactly the kind of speech we do not want to protect, and have no problem censoring.
Jesus Christ! That’s what offends me. Not as a swear word: that’s so commonplace today. But Jesus the person, who dares to claim absolute truth in a relativistic world. Today’s philosophy is to believe whatever you want, however offensive it may be to others, as long as you let others believe what they want. In fact, pretty much the most offensive thing you can do to someone is to disbelieve or disallow their sacred opinion. In this vein, one of the most offensive men ever to live was Jesus Christ. He said “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." This is a statement that there is truth, and there is falsehood. None of this "We can both be right in our opinions", however un-PC that is. He goes one step further, claiming himself to be that truth. To those who contest that all religions lead to God, Jesus says: "No, just me". Who does he think he is? God? This claim on being the sole path to God infuriated the religious leaders of his day, especially as he told them not pleasing to God. And it still offends today, in our independent-minded society. How can anyone tell me what to do? I follow the rules, am nice to people, and haven’t done anything majorly harmful to others. Surely I'm good enough for God? The offensiveness of Jesus’ message is that, apart from him, we are dead. Our best intentions, our greatest accomplishments, our finest self-justification; they are still worthless. But the grace of Jesus’ message is that with him, trusting him rather than our own goodness, we are alive. This is not a call to be judgmental of, or disrespectful to, anyone with a different view. Jesus said “Don’t judge others, so that you yourself are not judged." Jesus’ harshest words were reserved for the elite who rejoiced in their own deeds. But those who seek truth and who honestly question, he welcomes where they are at. The crux of the matter is that either Jesus is telling the truth, about himself and about life, or he is lying. And his actions should back up which it is. You can’t claim he’s a good teacher if what he’s teaching isn’t true. I don’t think he leaves us a pick ‘n’ mix option of choosing only the nice inoffensive bits. In fact, that’s probably pretty offensive to him.
An extreme example to be sure, but our censorship laws arguably require examples before limitations on free speech are justified. A fairly accurate reflection of societal progression, then, as sensitivities are increasingly lowered and openness is increasingly valued. 34
'Weekly Rant' is a space for one-off opinion pieces. Want to write your own? Contact editor@salient.org. nz to run riot.
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Hoopin' and Hollerin' Round three: Give Me the Main Event
By Carlo Salizzo
The rules of rugby union dictate that a single match should include two halves of 40 minutes each. These are separated by a half-time break, and during the match the referee may control the clock as he sees fit. There's more to it than that, obviously, but from start to finish, you should roughly budget somewhere in the neighbourhood of one-and-a-half to two hours of your life to an individual match. I can understand a little bit of introduction and analysis to set the sports fan salivating, but what's with three-hour telecasts?
won't stop there. This is a university publication, after all. Sport, particularly live sport, needs to tap into our psyche to get us hooked. They're trying to tap into the same party feelin' that underlies the Carnival in Rio de Janeiro. They want to make us leave our normal selves behind, to be fully devoted to the spectacle. Think the Wellington Sevens, which is undoubtedly a commercial triumph despite leaving the sport (and the city) in figurative (and literal) ruin.
Soccer, rugby league, cricket, tennis and golf are all the same, and don't even get me started on America. You can't get away from it by going to the match live. There's a pre-game, a half-time show and even a post-match, despite nobody ever sticking around to watch it. If all you want to do is sit down and watch some footy, you're plum out of luck.
When it comes to TV broadcasts, they can kill two birds with one stone. I mean, when was the last time you actually learned something from 'expert' analysis? When was the last time you really listened? I bet you watched it though. By turning a 90-minute spectacle into an all-singing, all-dancing evening of television, they've got you hooked on advertising and have dragged you more and more into fanatic devotion to the Game. America is again the best example, with their Super Bowl coverage being turned into a de facto national holiday.
That said, it's quite obvious why they need to do this. Firstly, there's advertising—they need to take advantage of every possible break to squeeze in as many words from the sponsor as possible. That's taken to all new levels of crazy with the aforementioned US sports like football or basketball: I wouldn't bat an eyelid if you told me that the time-out was first proposed by Don Draper. That's the practical angle, though, and you can bet your ass I
It's about putting out the best product you can, and if that means Dane Rumble playing at the Phoenix then, er... so be it. Clearly, New Zealand remains just a little too laconic for such things. We'll just have to listen to Justin Marshall's expert half-time interviews, and by golly, we'd better like them.
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FOOD & DRINK
the sweet scoop I think it's pretty miraculous that it's taken me until now to write about a pie. Let's be honest, pies are one of the high points of baking. They are juicy, flavour-filled and delicious. They offer an infinite number of options, with flavours for any mood or occasion—creamy, fruity, chocolatey, plain, formal or casual. On a purely practical level, they are easily transportable and can be eaten hot or cold. Plus, every time you lift a pie out of the oven, you feel like Julia Child, Nigella Lawson and a '50s housewife (but without all the oppression) rolled into one. Best food ever? I think so. This is a perfect celebration pie. It is incredibly rich, sweet, sticky and unforgettable, and would make a lovely end to any special dinner. It's nice hot, but I think it is even better when it is only just warm; the filling thickens, the flavours are more prominent, and it doesn't melt the ice cream as fast. This pie is also good eaten cold the next day, especially for breakfast (all in the name of research!).
Fig and Pear Pie
Julia Wells
SERVES 8
120 g brown sugar 30 g cornflour (cornstarch) 300 g dried figs 1 cup water 2 ripe pears 1.5 sheets of sweet short pastry* Preheat the oven to 180°C. Place the figs and water in a small pot, and boil for two minutes. Mix the brown sugar and cornflour together, and add to the figs. Continue boiling for about three more minutes, stirring constantly to prevent it sticking or burning. Remove from the heat and leave to cool for about 30 minutes. When it is cool, slice the pears into small pieces. Grease a pie dish/tin all over with butter, and line it with the pastry. Pour the fig mixture and the pears into the dish. Cut the remaining pastry into long strips, and place over the top of the filling, forming a criss-cross pattern (see photo). Bake in the oven until the lattice top is golden brown. Leave it to set for at least 15 minutes, then serve with ice cream, cream or yoghurt. * This can be found in the freezer section of any supermarket. It's also very easy to make yourself; my favourite recipe can be found on the Annie's Eats blog (http://www.annies-eats.com/2010/06/30/basic-pie-dough-tips-and-tricks/). The quantity yielded is enough to make the bottom crust and lattice top for a medium sized tart tin.
Beginner’s Guide to Wellington’s Fruit and Vege Markets By Molly McCarthy
If this is your first year living in a flat, you will have found yourself between the rock and hard place of New World Metro’s outrageous fruit and vege prices, and running the risk of developing scurvy. If things are looking a little scurvalicious down your end of town, it’s high time you took yourself along to one of Wellington’s fruit and vege markets. But before you get on your high horse and start telling anyone who’ll listen that you’re buying your fresh produce straight from the hands of the people who farmed it, be warned: up to 85 per cent of this produce is purchased wholesale from a warehouse near Tawa and stored until the weekend rolls around. The produce sold at these markets is usually of a slightly lower quality than what you would find in a supermarket, but that doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with it—you just have to school yourself. Go early: Don’t put yourself through the experience of rifling through a crate full
of squashed plums that everyone else has already spent the morning squeezing. Go early! You get the best choice of greens, and there are fewer people around to accidentally ram their wheelie bags into your ankles. If you’re really savvy, you can even coincide going to the markets with your trip home from a big night on Courtenay Pl—the Victoria St market opens at 4 am! Shop around: While the lower prices are almost guaranteed to save you a whole lot on your fruit and veges, if you want the best deal, have a look around the whole market before making any rash decisions. One stall might be an absolute steal for onions, but their broccoli prices could be an absolute rort. Know how to pick ‘em: Don’t be the fool who compares apples with oranges—learn how to know what to look for. A flatmate of mine once described market-goers performing a series of strange rituals such as tapping, rolling, or holding the fruit to their ear to pick what they wanted. 36
While there are some more mystical, advanced techniques, the basics are simple: pick fruit and vegetables which are the colour they’re meant to be (e.g. without yellowing and deeply coloured), and avoid soft spots, bruising, and wilted leaves. A good rule of thumb is: if it looks a bit sad, it should be avoided. Finally, when buying items that go off quickly, pick a range at varying stages of ripeness so that your produce will ripen, ready for eating, throughout the week.
Get Fruity: Saturday - Newtown Fruit and Vegetable Market: Newtown School, Corner Mein and Riddiford Streets, 7.30 am - 2 pm. Sunday - Victoria Street Farmers' Market: Corner Willis, Victoria and Vivian Streets, 4 am - 2.30 pm. Harbourside Market: Corner Barnett and Cable Streets, near Waitangi Park, 7 am - 1 pm.
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BOOKS
ARTS Train Dreams by Denis Johnson
review
Ellen O'Dwyer-Cunliffe
At only 116 pages, you could be forgiven for thinking that Train Dreams is a whisper of a book. However, Denis Johnson’s novella is an intimate, often haunting portrayal of Robert Granier, a labourer in the American West at the beginning of the 20th century. This is a familiar setting; Granier is a man alone, living a rough and isolated existence, removed from the encroachments of civilisation, living deep in Idaho’s Moyea Valley with his wife and daughter. As he travels away to build railways and fell trees, he witnesses immense changes in American society, symbolised by the roaring expansion of the railways across the land. Granier returns home one day to find a fire has ripped through the valley, devouring his cabin and most probably his wife and child, who have both disappeared. He searches among the ashes, but eventually realises that his effort is useless, so he retreats to the charred remains of the valley where he lives alone and works sporadically.
The Disappearance: A Primer on Loss by Genevieve Jurgensen
review
Simon Gennard
It’s human nature to keep one’s eyes fixed on disaster. An entire industry of continuous news cycles is predicated on this indulgence. What’s less clear, however, is at what point we are bound to avert our gaze. Our collective attention span is short, but as Genevieve Jurgensen demonstrates in her 1994 memoir, the aftermath of disaster, though unfolding laboriously, is often more compelling than disaster itself. The memoir begins in 1991, 11 years after the death of her two young daughters. Written as a series of letters to a friend, the prose is intimate and unnerving. The form provides a kind of mitigation between her disinclination to write and her striving to reconcile with the events. The subject is fraught, but Jurgensen carries it with the clarity and distance provided by more than a decade of consideration, writing of “excavating…
The novella contains a thick sense of atmosphere, resonating beautifully through Johnson’s sparse writing. Granier’s relationship with the landscape is contradictory: though he appreciates its beauty, it is also used to reflect back his fears. His intense loneliness is revealed in these solitary encounters with nature. Conceptions of his own sadness mostly elude him, only realised at certain points, such as when the quietness of his nights are interrupted by distant wolves, with whom he howls, to “flush out something heavy that collected in his heart”. Still, in his isolation Granier is awake to the mystery and grace embedded in the natural world. His life could be harsh, or primitive, or sublime. A kind of life which, Johnson laments on the final page, is lost forever, inevitably subsumed by the developments of civilisation, and replaced by a frantic digitalisation of everyday life—an erosion of the solitude idealised here. Vivid, at times tender, but often as stark as the valley Granier inhabits, Train Dreams won’t appeal to everyone—but I for one found Johnson’s work beautifully compelling.
deeply-buried relics of before”. It’s a book that goes beyond catharsis and mourning and into a territory that would, a decade later, be traversed by Joan Didion in The Year of Magical Thinking and again in The Blue Hour. We learn specifics of what took place in the early hours of 30 April 1980 anachronistically, Jurgensen allowing us only glimpses. A palpable sense of wariness pervades the book, Jurgensen is conscious of the need to avoid presenting her daughters as names, as characters in a book; fearing that the reader “will believe more readily in their death than in their lives”. While she goes out of her way to draw a distinction between Before and After, she slips into Before as a means of justifying why writing about After is necessary. Jurgensen shifts constantly between writing as a means of posterity, and chastising herself for making a commodity of her own tragedy. There is a sense of disease: as readers we are complicit in the very thing she is so fervently striving to avoid. We are forced to ask ourselves why we are reading, which is perhaps why the memoir is so striking; rarely does anyone speak of loss with such 37
wrenching honesty. Like disaster, we are both compelled to watch and to be repelled by ourselves for any gratification we may find.
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FILM Trance review
Director: Danny Boyle Review by Gerald Lee
I’ll admit that I’ve never been enraptured with Danny Boyle the way others are. His movies are certainly eclectic and entertaining, but they never feel like anything more than middling genre experiments. Sadly, his latest picture doesn’t just continue this trend, it exacerbates it. Despite featuring a well-honed sense of visual flair, Trance is an appalling pile of drivel, assailing the audience with a chaotic story that never once makes you care about what’s going on. Put simply, the film tells the story of an art auctioneer who participates in the heist of a valuable painting, but develops amnesia after a blow to the head and forgets where it is hidden. With a group of gangsters at his throat, Simon is forced to turn to a hypnotherapist, Elizabeth, to help him recover his memory. This initial premise is relatively interesting. Unfortunately, the film quickly descends into a convoluted mess of pseudo-science and abysmal drama. Boyle seems to be obsessed with the supposed 'ingenuity' of the narrative, packing in an endless number of plot twists without stopping to consider why they should matter to the audience. As the story progresses, the law of diminishing returns
I Give It A Year review
Director: Dan Mazer Review by Alexandra Hollis
Nat and Josh meet, and within seven months are married. At their wedding, her bitter sister mutters “I give it a year”, but with the hasty introduction of Josh’s ex-girlfriend Chloe and Nat’s handsome colleague Guy, we, and they, end up wondering if they’ll make it that long. We’re supposed to be invested in this quandary, but the split loyalties in this 'love square' are never convincing. The main characters are flat to the extent of caricature; Nat is high-strung and bossy, Josh is a buffoon, Guy is a slick American, and Chloe is a loveable loser who gets kicked out of threesomes. As a rom-com, it does the comedy well but the romance poorly. The saving grace of this film are the supporting characters. Stephen Merchant’s truly awful best man, Danny, seems to be channelling Ricky Gervais at his height of obnoxious hilarity, and it was wonderful to see his obtuse, unrelenting sexism being the butt of the joke in these scenes, rather than the governing ideology. 38
quickly rears its ugly head: it becomes clear that each twist will soon be supplanted by the next one. Moreover, the film’s characters are bland ciphers, prescribing to narrow archetypes necessary to fit some strained dramatic elements. They oscillate between motivations so fast that they never feel like organic creations. Some might say this is necessary due to the nature of the narrative, but it prevents us from empathising with the characters or their ever-changing ordeals. What saves Trance from becoming completely intolerable is an intoxicating, if not groundbreaking, sense of style. Indeed, the alluring atmosphere, comprising a sheen tinged with sinister undercurrents, is far more effective at conveying the dual nature of this world than the ridiculous theatrics that the plot indulges in. Not everything works—as usual, Boyle sometimes decides to compose shots from bizarre angles—but it is an engaging aesthetic nonetheless. However, this fails to sustain Trance’s seemingly interminable 100-minute runtime. By the time it reaches its nonsensical denouement, those who have managed to keep up with its labyrinthine story will be left wondering why on earth they bothered. Verdict: 1.5/5
Similarly, Olivia Colman (Peep Show, Hot Fuzz) is phenomenal as a beleaguered marriage therapist prone to having screaming matches with her spouse during counselling sessions. Props to Colman here: the cynical therapist with a messy life is a well-worn character type, but her deadpan delivery manages to pull this off. In fact, it’s possible that the film would be entirely forgettable were it not for her rapt inspection of the genitalia of a plush therapy doll while Nat and Josh look on, incredulous. The ending is reminiscent of a Shakespearean comedy: very predictable and formulaic, but which I nonetheless for its high farce and the wry self-awareness of the characters’ responses to this. However, the lack of character development meant I felt nothing for them; a systematic flaw across the film as a whole, despite some great comic moments. 3/5
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MUSIC The Next Day, David Bowie
review
Alexandra Hollis
It’s been a decade, but Bowie is finally out of retirement with The Next Day, and a more subdued, complex sound. Because of his health scares, and because of the cover—a reworking of the iconic ‘Heroes’—The Next Day seems at first to be a rumination on ageing, even death, but it eschews this idea. This is evidenced from the start: in the titular track, one of many classic Bowie rock anthems contained herein, Bowie once again asserts himself: “here I am/ not quite dying.” It would be enough to have new Bowie, after all this time. But what we get is so much more; this is a proper album, not some half-assed post-Best-Of revival. There are no dance tracks quite like ‘The Man Who Sold the World’ or ‘Ashes to Ashes’ (although ‘The Stars (Are Out Tonight)’ and ‘Dancing Out In Space’ come pretty close), but the complexity of music is really something: even ‘Where Are We Now?’ and its later counterpart, the
Life is a Veil of Tears
INTERVIEW
Philip McSweeney
Attention devotees of New Zealand music: I have delightful news! After a five-year absence, a parting of ways with former label Rough Trade (an amicable one, just fyi!) and the formulation of a new label later, the band The Veils are back with an outstanding new album, Time Stays, We Go. Expect the unhinged, the deranged and the downright berserk. Just kidding! Though the aforementioned qualities are ones exemplified by the band’s breakthrough LP Nux Vomica, songwriter and frontman Finn Andrews tells me “I couldn’t sustain what I went through to make Nux for long”. I interviewed Andrews over Skype in the comfort of my living room. I wore yesterday’s shirt, shorts, and prominent bed-hair; he was dressed impeccably, but still sounded utterly genuine when he called me ‘handsome’ (SWOON). His voice is lilting, geographically situated halfway between New Zealand and England. Though he has a certain posh English accent, the familiar New Zealand drawl shines through too.
transcendental ‘Heat’, aren’t dragged down by their tone. The ‘Bowie sound’, though present throughout, is remarkably fluid. For an album overshadowed by the early release of the sadder, more melodic, ‘Where Are We Now?’ in January, it is surprisingly upbeat. While references to older tracks open these songs up to comparison, this isn’t ‘Bowie does Bowie.’ At 66, he’s still doing something new; for all the ruminations on death and ageing, what is remarkable about The Next Day is that it’s such a young album. “It’s the darkest hour, you’re 22,” sings the man three times this age in ‘Love Is Lost’, just as he praises new countries, accents, voices, and exhorting teenage excesses in the anti-war ‘I’d Rather Be High’. Despite this, most of The Next Day’s sales will come from old Bowie fans looking to relive his glory days. Which is completely warranted. The songs on this album? Yes, you can sing along to them, drunk at 3 am, in a bad British accent, wearing obscene amounts of face paint. And after that the rest is a wonderful bonus. 4.5/5
When we talked about the new album, I asked whether he thought anything off it was suitable single material. “Absolutely nothing,” he responded. “We’re not playing songs that are meant to be played on the radio.” But, I riposte, what of the overt pop elements of his latest? It’s not that he doesn’t have “respect” for the “perfect craft” involved in making a good pop song, and indeed he has a certain knack for it as well, but The Veils have always been more complicated than that. His new album, I gather, is in a way a collection of pop songs that won’t get radio-play, as paradoxical as that sounds. It is a departure from his previous musical forays, but I get the impression that he would never be content with making the same thing twice. There is a restlessness to him: “I play a bit of everything,” he tells me, “even the violin”. Andrews, son of a member of XTC and fawned over from a young age, moved to London to pursue his craft at 17. Was he excited? Nervous? Overwhelmed? “Terrified,” he corrects with a laugh. And yet, despite his meteoric rise, we find similarities with each other; we both reminisce about the special moment when one first breaks into one's 39
parents’ record collection (or in his case, his mum’s). We talk adolescent angst. Apparently, in spite of his paternal lineage, it was his mother who sparked his fascination with music: “She taught me the guitar”. Time Stays, We Go is an enchanting album to listen to. One marvels at Andrews’ vocal range and adept musical ability from the outset, and certain indie touchstones are discerned: I detect a hint of The National in lieu of Tom Waits, and this is by no means a bad thing. While the Nux Vomica days are certainly behind him, you’re in safe hands with this’un. Listen loud and close. We end our conversation by dredging up some New Zealand memories that make Andrews wistful. “Jumping off the Devonport wharf ” gets mentioned, alongside “Grain Waves” and “my Mum”. “But not in that order,” he laughingly interjects. Whether he’ll miss them long is another matter; hopefully he’ll make a return this coming July, making sure to bring his manic live show with him. Get excited already; this one will be a doozy. The Veils Time Stays, We Go out April 26, via Rhythmethod.
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VISUAL ARTS City Gallery
review
Sharon Lam
The City Gallery is currently featuring a vibrant range of exhibits, with two collections, Moving on Asia: Towards a New Art Network and Len Lye: Kaleidoscope standing out in particular. The first of these two exhibits, Moving on Asia, currently occupies the ground floor of the gallery, which has been atmospherically dimmed for the duration of the exhibit. The collection, curated by Seoul’s Gallery LOOP, features work from video artists from more than 13 Asian countries, with the gallery refreshing these works monthly. The diversity among the videos is a feat in itself—ranging from the creepy to the trippy, raw to heartwarming. The pieces have been cleverly arranged by the City Gallery to allow for complete immersion in the pieces, with many of the videos being shown in isolated cuboid rooms, and others requiring the specific use of headphones. One standout piece is Siaram by Park Seung Won, who, in 15 minutes of raw grainy footage, chronicles a night-time trip to the zoo, with one unexpected event after another. The memorability of the video comes from a rare achievement in art of any sort—it is able to evoke a chance feeling with pinpoint accuracy. Siaram celebrates what one might feel when walking home late at night, or groceryshopping alone—a chilly solitude familiar to any member of modern society. Another notable artist of the Moving on Asia collection is Meiro Koizumi, who has previously exhibited in New York’s MoMA and Sydney’s Artspace. His videos while all individual, share a common theme of urban absurdity, mixing the sentimental with the surreal. An excellent example of this is seen in his piece My Voice Would Reach You, where Koizumi records an actor reading a dialogue for his deceased mother aloud, not to an audience or family member, but on the phone with randomly chosen Japanese businesses found in the phonebook. The result is a curious mix of humour and melancholy, making it an exceptional and memorable performancebased video. Upstairs, another dynamic exhibit can be found with Len Lye: Kaleidoscope. Most are likely to be unknowingly familiar with Lye’s work already, as the mind behind the Water Whirler on Wellington’s waterfront. While Lye can also be classified as a filmmaker,
Title: Art Appreciation By Sharon Lam poet and painter, this exhibit focuses on his kinetic works—moving sculptures! Some of these are best described as mesmerising—it is almost impossible to look away from the lit up metal of Zebra slowly spinning from one form to another. Others are less harmonious, Stormbreaker is aptly named, with both the sound and visuals produced by the steel structure frighteningly realistic. Testimony to this was a rather young visitor viewing the piece, who let out a scream and burst into tears upon the sculpture’s activation. The sculptures are complemented by the display of Lye’s 40
experimental films achieved by “composing motion”. Altogether, the exhibit is a successful collection of exciting works, and a rare chance to see a comprehensive number of Len Lye’s pieces in the same room.
Moving on Asia runs until 3 June, and Len Lye: Kaleidoscope until 26 May, both at the City Gallery Wellington.
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GAMES Are you game?
ARTICLE
in price and content as video games, there's something to pique anybody's interest.
Patrick Lindsay
When a lot of people think of modern video games, they’re left with a sour image of ultraloud Halo and Call of Duty, crappy boy/girlfriends and EB Games on Cuba St plastered in more sheets of plastic than a scene from Dexter. However, these kinds of unpleasant things are just the most visible aspects of the hobby—and those most present in pop culture. They’re the aspects most likely to turn people away and create the feeling that “video games are stupid and for sweaty manbabies”. And yes, while some games are indeed attractive to the more Mountain-Dew-reliant amongst us, the medium is much too wide to just dismiss in a single thought.
It’s important to try something before you judge the entire medium as holding absolutely nothing of value to you. You might be surprised. If you can't find anything you enjoy, or just aren’t able to find any good recommendations but are willing to take the plunge, send me an email at plindsay17@hotmail.com for some advice. I guarantee that in a medium ranging from space opera to skateboarding or tower defence to train simulator, there’s a piece of interactive entertainment to suit every taste.
Video games have fingers in virtually every electronic pie. Consoles, computers, phones, tablets and handhelds all have access to games that range from adventure games requiring wiggly thinking and perseverance to multiplayer shooters that encourage shouting at and stabbing of others across the internet. It is almost impossible to generalise about content, style, goals or even the intended experience video games provide, beside the fact that they are interactive entertainment. The sheer breadth of the medium makes it confusing, almost insulting, to hear people say they don’t like ‘video games’. Not a specific game or games, but straight-up all of it. That’s not like saying you don’t like action flicks or rom-coms, because ‘video game’ is not a genre. It’s more like saying you don’t like anyof the pictures that move on a screen in front of you—films, TV, videos of cats sleeping in funny places, everything. Dismissing an entire sphere of potential entertainment experiences because it’s ‘dumb’ is a total assurance that you’re missing out on something. To show the breadth of the medium, here are a few games you might want to take a closer look at. If you like cop procedurals, puzzles and thinking in wiggly lines, LA Noire or Ghost Trick might suit you. Or if listening to your own music on your computer while a game generates itself around your song choice’s beat, speed and rhythm sounds interesting, Beat Hazard or Audio Surf are worth a shot. For 2-D love stories with a left-field twist, maybe try Braid or i saw her standing there… and then she was a zombie. Maybe playing in a physics sandbox that provides tools to create almost anything sounds like your style? Garry's Mod or the Flash game Fantastic Contraption are the way to go. Without a doubt, in a medium as wide-ranging 41
The Salient Arts Rating Guide: 5 Stars = Lucky Strikes 4 Stars = Dunhill Blue 3 Stars = JPS Red 2 Stars = Pall Mall Baseline 1 Star = Freedom 0 Stars = Easy (or smoking your own pubic hair)
ϟ puzzles ϟ
PUZZLES "HOLD PLEASE" - difficulty: HARD 36. Watery castle protection 37. Part 3 of the joke 38. Dickens' Uriah 39. NHL star who played with the Bruins for ten years 40. It might be CRT or plasma 41. ____ bleu! 42. Fastener for those that can't tie laces 44. ______-tung, of Red Book fame 45. Crossdressing comedian 49. End of the joke 54. They're slithy, in “Jabberwocky” 56. What some argue the Iraq War was fought for 57. Push, as a train 58. Cancer treatment, for short 59. ___ la la (singing syllables) 60. It's next to the fibula 61. Dylan of “Black Books” 62. Japanese currency 63. Jealous fights
12. Classic U2 hit 13. It was part of a Union before 1991 (abbr.) 21. Prefix for -anthropy 22. Taken wing 24. Bishops' headwear 25. “Hurrah!” 26. Get rid of 27. Doted on 28. One can hold their breath for ages 29. Mental D&D score 32. ___ Angeles 33. Suffix for a collection (of genes, for example) 34. Regina Spektor single where she rhymes the title with 'sweet' 37. Instantaneous web-based comm. system 38. Mortal Kombat's Hsu ___ 40. Guy Fawkes' crime 41. They like causing pain 43. Films
DOWN ACROSS 1. Perl command for a list of URLs 6. ___-Bo (exercise fad) 9. Mexican currency 14. Ex-governor Palin 15. Subject of a Keats ode 16. Wrecks 17. “And ____ Wrote” (Willie Nelson debut album) 18. “Captain Underpants” author Pilkey
19. You might do it off a menu 20. First part of a joke by 45-Across 23. Part 2 of the joke 26. Exhilarating part of a river trip 30. Sainted Norwegian king called “the Stout” 31. Ideal places 32. Frederick who composed “My Fair Lady” 35. Way to send a doc., electronically
1. Italian wine, formally known as Spumante 2. Author Roald 3. Three in German 4. Partner of file 5. Protections for riot police 6. Alan who was Wash in “Firefly” 7. “Slow down, it's not ____” 8. End of a sestina or ballad 9. Shot from the side 10. Archimedes' shout 11. Drowsiness or nausea, e.g.
Quiz 1. Absolute zero is defined as what temperature on the Celsius scale (to the nearest whole number is)? 2. Until being overthrown in a coup in 1973, Salvador Allende was President of which country? 3. Chapati, kulcha and uttapam are all types of what?
ISSUE 05 SOLUTION
Guess who?
6. Benin City, Jos and Kaduna are all cities in which country? 7. Which reggae artist asked us whether we knew that "social living is the best"? 8. True or false: 'salope' is the French word for 'dick'.
4. 'Pinkie' is the name of the main character in which 1938 novel?
9. Which Super Rugby team is currently second place in the South African conference?
5. Which New Zealand First MP appeared last week on the first episode of Back Benches for the year?
10. Which film won the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film in 2013? by Michael Haneke
Living') 8) False (it means 'bitch', 'slut' or 'whore') 9) The Cheetahs 10) Amour, directed Graham Greene. 5) Tracey Martin 6) Nigeria 7) Burning Spear (in the song 'Social ANSWERS: 1) −273.15° 2) Chile 3) Breads typical of Indian cuisine 4) Brighton Rock by
variety puzzles & CROSSWORD by puck — ANSWERS NEXT ISSUE
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ϟ puzzles ϟ
Target
v e p
i r l s e u
Look at All the Fucks I Give
Target rating guide: 0-15 words: do you even go here? 16-25 words: alright 26-35 words: decent
difficulty: medium
Answer the ten clues, and then fit them into the grid. Each answer contains the word FUCK, which has been entered into the grid already. When the ten answers are correctly placed, the letters in the rectangle will spell out the word I could have used if I were trying to be classy (not that a guy named Puck is ever classy).
36-50 words: PRO 50+ words: free drink
Bird-themed dance craze from the 1950s Rugby players that wear the number 15 Not having any good fortune (this phrase is often preceded by 'shit') Christmas baked good with a long shelf life Cash total of three orange banknotes Cartoon character with a lisp and a beak Job in a candy factory Emergency vehicle with a ladder
_ _ F _ _ / _ U C K _ _ _ / _ F / _ U C K F _ _ _ _ _ U C K _ _ F _ _ _ _ / _ U C K _ F _ _ _ _ / _ U C K F U _ _ _ / _ _ _ C K _ _ F U _ _ _ _ _ C K _ _ _ F _ U _ _ C _ K _ F U _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ C K _ _ F U _ _ _ _ C K _
SOLUTION FROM LAST WEEK:
Walkie Talkie, Telephone Call, Love Letter, Telegraph, Carrier Pigeon, Sign Language, Smoke Signal, Loudhailer, Pony Express, Postcard, Sexting, Semaphore
Kubrick's Vietnam War movie with a famous line about a reach-around Robin Hood's monk friend
YEAR LONG PUZZLE: 6. Rearrange NARCOLEPTIC into the famous guitarist from Cream and The Yardbirds (4,7)
Sudoku difficulty:easy
difficulty: medium
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difficulty: hard
SALIENT ♥ YOU
letters Letter of the
week
win a $10 voucher for the hunter lounge
It was three years ago Michael, let it go! Dear Salient In my first year hostel I had a secret valentine who would send me awesome Final Fantasy postcards and one rather clever poem. I ran into them once when it was laundry day so I looked like shit (everyone looks like shit on laundry day). I would like to track them down so we can talk about Final Fantasy and how Hot Fuzz is the best movie ever. So if you or someone you know was in Ustay McKenzie in 2010, write a letter and help a brother out! Sincerely Not actually a brother, I just wanted to sound cool.
Who cares? Ikea Dear Salient, You know they fund youth wings in Sweeden? Fuck that, that's a terrible policy (which is, apparently, unusual for Sweeden). Youth politics is pretty pointless. It's so lame, so tribal. Oh, Margaret Thatcher died? Tell me more about her links to Pinochet and allegations of immigration policy racism. Oh, you don't know? Nah, you're right - she's definitely a "good bitch", pretty into freedom ae. Oh, and young labour, I fucking hate you guys collectively - when you're not displaying a shocking lack of knowledge you're sucking up to the party faithful and getting jobs as "issues assistants" or "communications advisors". And people who join up to young greens - "oh yeah, um, environment and social justice, s'good stuff" - yeah, but you can't actually tell me how your policies work, right? And do you even know about half the crazies you're backing by joining up? Oh, and why do we even have youth wings
anyway? Isn't the "young greens" just a less important, less credible, less matter-ing version of the "old fart greens"? Add to this the fact that you won't actually achieve anything by doing it. All those meetings and pizza sessions and excerising your student privilege by going to camps, social events and drinks - yeah, didn't make anyone else worse off. Seriously, go give money to a homeless person or just don't pay your tax or get a job and start producing if you want to do something. After 3 years of uni my utility from you and your terrible banter is pretty much as diminished as it will get. First years, stay out or get out while you can. Kind regards, Ranting young man P.S. You know people always say that Sweeden has good policies and stuff? Yeah, how much does that guy in your tut know about Sweeden? Fuck all probably.
You can't handle the truth Hi Patriarchlient, Every time we here at Critic write you an email, your name comes up as "Salient Babes". As a progressive, feminist publication we find this offensive and likely to promote the objectification of women. Why not simply "Salient human beings"? - Critic (Te Arohi) P.S. bring back Elle Hunt, we liked her fan page on Facebook.
Hub facilities on campus. As a member of the undead community (or “Zombies” as the ignorant public call us) I feel that Victoria University have let me down completely. For example, there are no restaurants suited to my specific dietary needs (and security ripped off my arm trying to get me away from the brunette chick whose head I was trying to feast on the other day). There are plenty of options for gluten free and vegetarian students but those lacking working stomachs have trouble finding a good feed (brains). The Language Learning Centre was also seriously unhelpful. Due to my rotting vocal chords I have a great deal of trouble communicating with my fellow media studies students. The LLC didn’t even try to help; instead they tried to decapitate me with a copy of the Oxford English Dictionary. I even feel unwelcome on the Overbridge with the hipsters. They keep throwing fezzes at me and hurling 1800s period abuse. It’s hard enough trying to keep up with my enthralling media studies courses while dealing with these inconveniences. Just because I’m clinically dead doesn’t mean I don’t have rights! Yours deathfully, Brian Daed
Seems legit. I need you to help me distribute some funds
We can't handle the truth So that explains the faeces on the walls Hi Salient, Can VUWSA really call itself a member of the Living Wage campaign if it pays its Officers as little as $3/hour? Doesn't it know that if you pay peanuts, you get monkeys? Anon
EASTER RESURRECTION Dear Death-lient, I am thoroughly displeased with the new
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Dear Salient, Cam prices article in issue 5 takes aim at the ongoing but recently emphasised minimum wage debacle. The article sorta has this massive build up about how the youth wage will take jobs away from older low skilled workers and end with the statement that the only people laughing are those moving to Aussie. Where the minimum wage kicks in after you're 20 and the youth wage for a 16 year old is $7.55. Faithfully, Fact finder Fred Source: http://www.fairwork.gov.au/pay/ national-minimum-wage/Pages/default.aspx
SALIENT ♥ YOU
letters Kia Kaha Dear Salient, Hey there. You doing ok? I noticed that you got a lot of long letters last week. Must've been pretty rough. Just checking up on you. Thought I might give you a nice short letter. We should go get a beer and relax sometime. I'm here for you. Love, someone who still cares.
over twitter, but I got no response. SO… I thought I’d try my luck here. And no I won’t send you food.
Ditto Dear Salient I really regret not voting for Jackson Freeman. He’s really hot. Regards, Student Body
Get Amongst the Cynics Dear Suck-up-lient Woooo Vic staff won something! You know how they won it? By getting their academic staff to spend less time on their students, and more time on their research. We pay our fees for our learning, not to prop up the uni’s research. Where the fuck are my tutorials?
Help a girl out? That's the thing with referendums - you Winston, you lose some Dear Salient Can we please have a binding referendum on Curwen Rolinson? If we win he will be bound in leather, in my bedroom. Curwen please let me be your First. I hope your cock is as wide as your lapels and your pubes as well coiffed as your hair. I am so serious. Pin me like the pins on your collar.
Good News for Hipsters Dear Sir, We are Linyi JinLin Willow Arts & Crafts Co.,Ltd from Linyi China, our mainly products is all kinds of wicker baskets and straw baskets. We can supply wicker bicycle baskets to you. If you interest, please contact, we will send pictures and price to you. Many thanks for your reply. Best regards. Liu Haiguang Willow Arts & Crafts Co., Ltd (CHN) Factory: Zhengshan Town, Linshu County, Linyi City, Shandong China
Coaster Dearest Salient We saw your magazines in all of the local hotspots down Cuba St. Subsequently, we decided to place ours strategically on top of them. Kind regards, MASSIVE magazine
We're sa-tired of thisWWW Okay right, Salient like usual is completely horrible, but I do always flick through the pages. The worse part about this year is that fucking Officious First Year column. I don’t know why I just hate it. Maybe because he is a Weir House Wanker, or maybe because he does law (and they are pretentious). Any way at this stage I’m rooted in my hatred for the column. I tried telling him
idk, ask stuff.co.nz
Dear lonelient Every night I check VUW Cupid, hoping to see a post about me - but there never is! Women with as great a set of breasts as me shouldn’t suffer from such a lack of attention. So I write to you, dear Salient, in the hope of finding something to warm my bed as the days get shorter and the nights ever colder. Please, Salient, help me find a spooning partner. I don’t ask for much, just that they’re clean, open to forking, and don’t mind waking up to Morning Report. Best, Cold with a big bed
A taxable emission? Dear girl who farted in pols 111, I know who you are. I’m definitely not sitting next to you in the tute next week.
What is the news? And how does one edit it. Sincerely, Chris FapIntyre
SALIENT LETTERS POLICY 2013 Salient welcomes, encourages, and thrives on public debate – be it serious or otherwise – through its letters pages. Write about anything you like: Beyoncé, puppies, or the metaphysics of space-time. Send us love mail, send us hate mail, send us party invites. We want it all. Letters must be received before 12pm on the Wednesday for publication the next week. Letters must be no longer than 250 words. Pseudonyms are fine, but all letters must include your real name, address and telephone number, these will not be printed. Please note that letters will not be corrected for spelling or grammar.The Editor reserves the right to edit, abridge or decline any letters without explanation. Letters can be sent to: Email: letters@salient.org.nz Post: Salient, c/- Victoria University of Wellington Hand-delivered: the Salient office, Level 3, Student Union Building (behind the Hunter Lounge)
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NOTICES CAREERS AND JOBS
Vic OE – Vic Student Exchange
Details on CareerHub: careerhub.victoria.ac.nz
Programme – Upcoming Host Uni specific info sessions!
Applications closing soon: Organisations
Closing
Monday April 29th – 10.30am Universite de La Rochelle (France) held @ Easterfield Building, Level 2
John Deere The Treasury
April 15
New Zealand Defence Force
April 20
Westpac
April 26
TaxTeam Asia New Zealand Foundation (Japan, Taiwan, China)
April 30
Asia New Zealand Foundation (Vietnam)
May 1
Disney International Programs
May 12
ANZ
May 19
Tonkin & Taylor
May 24
Palantir Technologies
May 31
AECOM New Zealand
Jun 3
Koorb Consulting
Jun 30
Date
Careers in Focus Seminar Law: Working in the Corporate World
May 21
Date
Employer Presentation Intergen Palantir Technologies Xero
May 2 May 17 May 20
Date
Careers Expo Campus Careers Expo
May 16
ICT Careers Expo
May 17
STUDENT CHRISTIAN MOVEMENT Interested in the big questions of faith, society and just life in general? Join the completely inclusive, ecumenical and nonjudgemental Student Christian Movement (SCM) as a safe place to explore these issues. We have a strong and radical social justice focus and a long proud history on campuses worldwide since 1895. Absolutely everyone welcome. Contact heidi.boulter@gmail.com for more details or to be added to our emailing list. Discussion: The Korean Situation Friday 19th April 1pm Kohanga (Catholic Chaplaincy)
Weekly seminars on Wednesdays, Level 2, Easterfield Building, 12.50pm Email: VicOE@vuw.ac.nz Website: http://victoria.ac.nz/exchange Visit us: Level 2, Easterfield Building Drop-in hours: Mon & Tues 9-12, Wed-Fri 10-12 Earn Vic credit, get Studylink & grants, explore the world! A must do while at Vic!
Victoria University TaeKwon-Do Club (WTF style) Interested in Taekwon-Do? New to TaekwonDo? Learned Taekwon-Do before? Come along and join us! Great way to keep fit and have fun! Training times: Tuesday 6.30pm - 8.00pm Long Room, Victoria University Recreation Centre Saturday 3.30pm - 5.00pm Dance Room, Victoria University Recreation Centre What you need: Drink bottle, comfy trousers/ shorts, t-shirt Contact us: vuwtkd@hotmail.com We are affiliated to the Taekwon-Do Union of NZ (TUNZ)
NZ SHARK ALLIANCE (NZSA) Join the NZ Shark Alliance (NZSA) and the Society for Conservation Biology VUW Chapter (SCB) for a special free screening of the award-winning movie Sharkwater followed by a discussion of how you can help end this wasteful and unsustainable practice in our waters.
leftists in the West had illusions in Mao’s repressive regime. This meeting looks at an inspiring part of China’s twentieth century – the revolution in the 1920s that opened up the possibility of a new, workers’ and democratic China, and considers the lessons of this legacy for today. When: 6.30PM Tuesday, 16 April Where: SU219, Student Union Building, Kelburn Campus *Our AGM will be held the following week same time and same place. All Welcome!
VUW Film Society Like watching films? Come hang out with us at Film Society! This week, we're playing "Fish Tank", an emotionally charged family drama from Britain, about a hip-hop dancing teenager who falls under the spell of her mum's Irish boyfriend, Michael Fassbender (aka: Magneto). When: 6:30pm, Wednesday 17th April Where: Student Union Building, Meeting Room 2 (look for our signs) Cost: Casual entry is $2, or annual membership is $15. Popcorn and soft drinks provided. Check out our FB page: http://www. facebook.com/groups/vicunifilmsociety
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS Concerned about your drinking? There is a solution! Alcoholics Anonymous has helped thousands of people recover from Alcoholism. There is a meeting on campus, all are welcome: Thursday 1pm-1.50pm in Meeting Room 2, Student Union Building.
LifeChoice Victoria
Wednesday 17 April, 6pm Victoria University Memorial Theatre
LifeChoice Victoria Bi-Weekly Meeting, Wednesday 1pm in SU217. Whatever your views, please feel free to come and join us as we get together and discuss thoughts around the issue of abortion and the culture of life
the tragedy of china: mao, stalin and the 1927 revolution
Notices Policy: Salient provides a free notice service for all VIctoria students, VUWSA-affiliated clubs not-for-profit
China is now one of the world’s superpowers, and yet much of its recent past is still little discussed. The Mao era is shrouded in mythology, and for decades
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