Themeless | Issue 13

Vol. 78 Susan Price / Cryptids / Unsung Heroes / Issue 13 Coffee Addiction 02 June (No, there isn’t really a theme)

Contents 04–10 News 14–27 Features

05 Young Labour wants to help a brother

12 The Sedulous Recorder

(and sister) out 08

Bud-shit. Ammaright.

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Regular Content 03 Editorial 11 Puzzles 28 Bridget Bones’ Diary 30 Science 32 Maori Matters 33 The Moan Zone 33 We Drank This So You Wouldn’t Have To 34 VUWSA 35 The Week in Feminism 37 Being Well 38 Music 40 Books 41 Games 42 Film 44 Visual Arts 45 Food 46 Letters

Editor Sam McChesney Design and Illustration Ella Bates-Hermans Lily Paris West Senior News Editor Sophie Boot News Editor Nicola Braid Chief Sub Editor Kimaya McIntosh Sub Editor Zoe Russell

Senior Feature Writer Philip McSweeney Feature Writers Charlotte Doyle Gus Mitchell Sharon Lam Distributor Beckie Wilson News Interns Emma Hurley Charlie Prout Tim Grgec Beckie Wilson Elea Yule News Photographer Jessica Hill

Section Editors Ruth Corkill (Science) Sharon Lam (Visual Arts) Jack Young (Gaming) Jayne Mulligan (Books) Alice Reid (Music) Fairooz Samy (Film) Other Contributors Bethany Tiddy, Bridget Bones, Brontë Ammundsen, Bridget Pyc, Tom and Luke, Lydia and Mitch, Rick Zwaan, Madeleine Ashton-Martyn, Cathy Stephenson, Jess Knipping, James Keane.

Guest Illustrator: Ur mum

Cryptical Thinking

20 Under the Influence of Unsung Heroes 26

Are you addicted to coffee?

Contact Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University P.O. Box 600, Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766 Editor: editor@salient.org.nz News Editor: news@salient. org.nz Website: salient.org.nz Twitter: @salientmagazine Facebook: facebook.com/ salientmagazine Advertising Email: sales@vuwsa.org.nz Phone: 04 463 6982 Printed By Guardian Print, Ashburton

About Us Salient is published by, but is editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association (VUWSA).

Salient is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) and the New Zealand Press Council.

Salient is funded in part by Victoria University of Wellington students through the Student Services Levy.

The views expressed in Salient do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, VUWSA, or the University.

Complaints People with a complaint against the magazine should first complain in writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the Press Council. See presscouncil.org.nz/complain.php for more information.

Editorial

Sam McChesney

Last week a surprise FBI raid on a five-star Swiss hotel led to the arrest of six highlevel officials of Fifa, the world governing body for football. A number of further, coordinated arrests took place around the world. Let me make up for absence of a sports column in Salient this year by sharing my top eleven favourite Fifa moments.

TL;DR: this has been a looooong time coming.

11. “Maximised socioeconomic benefits” Fifa promised that Brazil would reap “maximised socioeconomic benefits” from the 2014 World Cup. Meanwhile, a 2013 report by the South African government into the 2010 tournament showed that the event had cost the country US$3bn in return for “unquantifiable” and “intangible” benefits. Fifa enjoyed a tax-free profit of US$631m.

10. Public Eye Fifa placed third in the 2014 Public Eye Awards, given out annually to the company with the worst corporate social responsibility record. The winner was Russian state-owned oil giant Gazprom, which has been linked to over 200 oil spills.

By that point, Gazprom was already an official Fifa partner for the 2018 World Cup in Russia.

9. Machiavellian cruelty In the wake of the UK’s unsuccessful World Cup hosting bid in 2010, a member of the bid accused a number of Fifa Executive Committee members, including ex-Brazil FA head Ricardo Teixeira, of demanding favours for a World Cup hosting vote.

Responding to the allegations in July 2011, Teixeira promised to “make [the English FA’s] lives hell”. That month, Teixeira also branded the press “a bunch of corrupt pirates”. “I don’t care. In fact, fuck you lot,” he said. “In 2014 [at the World Cup], I can do what I want to the press. The most slippery, unthinkable, Machiavellian cruelty—they cannot touch me.”

8. That’s just a shitload of money Teixeira’s father-in-law is João Havelange, Sepp Blatter’s predecessor as Fifa President. Teixeira and Havelange were found to have taken at least US$46m in bribes between 1992 and 2000, most relating to World Cup television contracts.

After the revelations, Teixeira applied unsuccessfully for residence in Andorra, a tax haven with no extradition treaty.

7.

Wait, there’s more

In 2012, The Telegraph reported that FC Barcelona President Sandro Rosell had paid £2 million into a bank account in the name of Teixeira’s 10-year-old daughter Antonia.

The payment was allegedly a kickback from marketing profits from a Brazil-Argentina friendly played in Qatar. Teixeira was Brazil FA head at the time, and FC Barcelona were and still are sponsored by the Qatar Foundation.

6. Sarkozy is involved too!

Then-French President Nicolas Sarkozy engineered a meeting between himself, European football president Michel Platini, and Qatari emir Tamim bin Hamad alThani. Sarkozy is a noted fan of club Paris Saint-Germain, which at the time had just been bought out by al-Thani’s company QSI. After the meeting, Platini switched his World Cup vote from the USA to Qatar, and his son, Laurent, was appointed chief executive of Burrda, a Qatar-owned sports kit manufacturer.

5. The slush fund Early last year the Sunday Times revealed that Mohammed Bin Hammam—a disgraced former Fifa executive—had been responsible for distributing a $5 million slush fund to buy votes for Qatar’s successful World Cup bid. The revelations were ruled “out of scope” of an official Fifa enquiry into the bidding process.

4. Speaking of that enquiry Fifa never released the report, which was completed toward the end of last year, and instead released a highly abridged executive summary. The lawyer in charge

of the enquiry, Michael Garcia, took the extraordinary step of disowning the executive summary, saying it had completely mischaracterised his report. Garcia resigned his position as Fifa ethics investigator soon after.

3. Dispossessing favela residents In the leadup to the Brazil World Cup, infrastructural projects carried out by the Brazilian government at Fifa’s behest resulted in around 20,000 forced evictions of favela residents in Rio de Janeiro, and up to 250,000 displacements across Brazil.

When Pope Francis called on Fifa to respect the favelas, Sepp Blatter met him personally. “He asked me to give hope to the poor through football,” Sepp reported.

“We cannot do everything, but we will do what we can.”

2. Modern slavery Nepalese manual labourers have been dying on Qatari World Cup construction sites at a rate of over one a day, with the total death toll expected to reach 4000. They have been working under a neo-feudal employment system that involves the confiscation of passports and has frequently been compared to slavery. Franz Beckenbauer, a former Fifa executive, said he had “not seen a single slave in Qatar… I’ve been to Qatar and have a completely different picture of it.

I think mine is more realistic.”

1. This quote “The work Fifa do is noble. Unlike many other associations that proclaim nice, well-intentioned goals, they actually work to realise them. This has no precedent in humanitarian spheres.”—Vladimir Putin Finally, good luck for your exams everyone!

Remember to look after yourselves. Eat lots of fruit. De-stress with weed and casual sex.

I’ll see you in a couple of months. xoxo

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Person of the week:

salient

BY THE NUMBERS 33 years The span of television host David Letterman’s career, during which he received 16 Emmy awards.

13 June The date Chinese audiences will witness the first public screening of the Star Wars saga in the Shanghai International Film Festival.

4h 28m The new record for the longest plank hold, set by Swedish man Tom Hoel.

Arash Derambarsh Parisian councillor Arash Derambarsh was responsible for a successful campaign launched against against food waste. His campaign has forced the French Government to introduce regulations ensuring that all supermarkets donate unwanted food to charity. Derambarsh persuaded the French MPs after his petition gained over 200,000 signatures, and is now hoping to see similar regulations in EU law. Living under the mantra “food is the basis of life, it is an elementary factor in our existence�, he is working towards lowering the 1.3 billion tonnes of food that is wasted annually worldwide.

www.salient.org.nz

87.1% Proportion of New Zealanders who rate their sense of purpose highly, according to the most recent General Social Survey.

3.5 years The prison sentence given to an Arizona woman who ran over her husband for failing to vote in the 2012 presidential elections.

issue 13

05

NEWS. KEE N EYE FOR NEWS? S END ANY T IPS , LEADS OR GOSSIP TO NE WS @S ALIENT.ORG.NZ

Young Labour wants to help a brother (and sister) out Charlie Prout Young Labour is seeking to ensure that transgender people have the option to transition using the public healthcare system.

The motion to ensure “the access to hormone replacement therapy and gender reassignment surgery is available and publicly funded” was recently put forward by Young Labour at both its Auckland and Hawke’s Bay regional conferences.

Currently, publicly funded surgery is unattainable for most trans people, with only four surgeries being funded in New Zealand every two years.

The only other option for transgender people to obtain surgery is a high-cost treatment pool that covers lower surgery for both transmen and transwomen.

However, the Government only funds a few surgeries per year through this pathway, and transmen and transwomen are forced to travel to San Francisco and Thailand, respectively, to receive this funded surgery.

The treatment pool does not cover chest surgery for transmen, forcing them to shell out between $12,000 to $16,000 for surgery in New Zealand.

Accessibility to publicly-funded surgery has been tightened in the last few years.

Reconstructive chest surgery for transgender men in New Zealand was halted after

Waitemata DHB surgeon Dr Wayne Jones, the only surgeon in New Zealand who offered publicly-funded chest surgery, was forced to stop offering the procedure following Government funding cuts to health boards in the 2013 budget.

One 20-year-old transgender student at Victoria, who is currently waiting on private funding through a medical trust for top surgery, discussed his chest-binding with Salient. “Binding causes me immense pain.

Most days I cannot breathe, even walking up to uni is a challenge. Lately I have shooting pains down my left side caused by the constriction of my chest”, the student said.

The proposal from Young Labour has not been welcomed by high-ranking Labour MPs, who told Stuff that they do not see transgender people’s health needs as a priority.

Labour leader Andrew Little also caused offense to many in the transgender community by claiming Finance Minister Bill English was hiding his “fiscal gender reassignment” in his post-Budget speech.

Labour’s current policy towards transgender healthcare is based on recommendations featured in the Human Rights Commission’s “To Be Who I Am: Kia Noho au Ki Toku Ano Au” report.

The report outlines measures through which

to “ease support for health services for transgender and intersex people, including intersex children, with a focus on an informed consent model”.

The Greens are in favour of improving healthcare for transgender people. The Party’s Rainbow spokesperson Jan Logie held forums last year to discuss ways of improving healthcare for transgender people and recently came out in support of Young Labour’s motion on Facebook. “The waiting list is longer than most people’s life expectancy… [transpeople] feel completely stuck.”

Logie told Salient her party was continuing to push for legislative change in the area of trans rights and mentioned that she had recently started a cross-party LGBTI rights group in Parliament to try and facilitate this.

However, Health Minister Jonathan Coleman dubbed Young Labour’s proposal “nutty” and stated publicly that he disagreed with the proposal.

“We’ve got a lot of priorities in the health system, and I’m quite happy with [the current funding of ] four procedures every two years,” Coleman said.

Young Labour’s motion must be approved by the Labour Party caucus before it becomes party policy. editor@salient.org.nz

06

salient

News

Bud-shit. Ammaright.

Elea Yule and Nicola Braid

The release of this year’s Budget has, unsurprisingly, ruffled a financial feather or two in the tertiary education sector.

Finance Minister Steven Joyce announced that the Government will spend an additional $113 million on the tertiary sector over the next four years, most of which will go toward Science and Technology-related courses.

Meanwhile, Humanities and Social Sciences haven’t seen an increase in funding for almost five years.

However, VUWSA President Rick Zwaan said the announcement of additional funding was misleading. “It’s $113 million of money being ‘re-prioritised’ to appear as increased spending.”

The Government also announced plans to reduce maximum tertiary fee increases from four per cent to three per cent, which is estimated to save the average student $60 a year.

Universities New Zealand (UNZ) Executive Director Christopher Whelan told Salient the move from four per cent to three per cent “is being justified on the basis that there has been almost no increase in the Consumer Price Index (CPI) over the past year. The CPI measures the price change of household goods and services, so it doesn’t include most of the costs that universities cover—salaries, property maintenance, ICT and library purchases.” www.salient.org.nz

The New Zealand Union of Students’ Association (NZUSA) and the Tertiary Education Union (TEU) have suggested that the adjustment would ultimately leave universities and polytechnics underfunded.

A spokesperson from Victoria told Salient that the University’s decision regarding fee increases will be made by the University Council in December, but Vic is “looking forward to taking part in the Government’s public consultation” regarding the changes.

NZUSA President Rory McCourt said that “while the theoretical saving is welcome, $60 is nothing compared to the fees and charges that the Government has slapped on students since 2008.”

In particular, the extra $60 will do little to alleviate the financial strains of ever-rising rent prices.

“Last year the average Auckland student rent went up $430 (or $8.26 per week) for a single room in a three bedroom flat… Student support has increased by only 90 cents per week. The Government has got to give students enough to live on,” McCourt said.

The Government has also decided to freeze the parental income threshold for student allowances over the next four years, which according to McCourt could see an extra 4000 students go into debt.

Additionally, the Budget confirmed that

restrictions would be maintained on allowances for postgrad students and the seven-year cap on student loans, introduced in 2010, would remain.

The cap has been heavily criticised by the New Zealand Medical Students Association (NZMSA), Young Labour and the Young Nats for failing to support Medical students whose degrees take at least six years. Those who enter medical school after previous years of study can be stuck without financial support at the tail end of their degrees.

NZMSA President Elizabeth Berryman chastised the move. “There is no hope for about 150 students annually who cannot stump up at least $15,000 in the final year of study, in some cases $30,000 for the last two years.”

NZMSA has launched the campaign #letmefinish in the hope of convincing Joyce and the Government to give medical students an exemption from the seven-year cap.

More generally, Whelan claimed the “freezing of parental income thresholds and restrictions of post-graduate allowances has the potential to turn away students whose families are unable to support them financially”. While UNZ had not yet seen evidence that the allowance changes had “significantly affected enrollments”, it assured Salient that it would continue to monitor the issue.

News

issue 13

07

ermagherd, rent Tim Grgec

Rent prices in Wellington are continuing to rise, with a 1.3 per cent increase over the last year, according to Trade Me. The property website’s Rent Price Index shows that as of April this year, an average Wellington rental property now costs tenants $395 per week.

A study by the NZUSA gives the average rent prices for students living in Wellington at around $195 per week, much higher than the national average of $125.

The Wellington City Council estimates rent in Wellington costs between $90 and $245 per week, depending on the area and size of the property.

Victoria University recommends that international students be prepared to pay $180 per week.

The University of Otago estimates the average rent for a flat 15 minutes’ walk away from campus is $118, while the University of Canterbury estimates $159 per week for a flat near campus.

However, student living costs from StudyLink only increase according to the government’s Annual General Adjustment of 0.51 per cent per year. The student accommodation supplement is also capped at $40 per week, and has been since 2001.

Presently, the student loan living costs sit at $176.86 per week, with the student allowance at $210.13.

VUWSA President Rick Zwaan attributed rising rents along with a lack of Government support as key factors in “exacerbating Vic students’ poor levels of mental wellbeing”.

Jack, a Vic law student living in Aro Valley, says high rent prices in Wellington are unfair compared with the rest of the country.

“Some universities, like Vic, are in a sense less student friendly, because we all [New Zealand university students] get the same coin, but that doesn’t reflect having the same cost of living.”

VUWSA was also unsure as to how students were supposed to make up the difference between their income and rent. “We know that students are working more hours if

they can find part time jobs and going into overdraft to simply pay basic bills.

Other students are being forced to live in the crappiest flats in Wellington to get something vaguely ‘affordable’,” Zwaan said.

In a bid to improve housing quality throughout New Zealand, Wellington City Council is one of five councils currently trialing a Rental Warrant of Fitness (WOF) programme. The WOF would assess properties on a pass/fail basis, depending on whether they meet certain criteria for basic service standards. Of all the landlords interviewed as part of the WOF pre-test, 12 per cent said they would put up the rent if rental housing improvements were made.

VUWSA assured Salient that a WOF programme was “feasible”. “If we have them for cars and new houses then there’s no reason why we shouldn’t have minimum standards for rentals,” Zwaan said. Salient looks for forward to VUWSA’s upcoming endorsement of WOFs for student associations; after all, there is “no reason” not to.

editor@salient.org.nz

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salient

News

Stop, collaborate and listen VUWSA submits on Council composition

Holy shit, a functioning national student body Beckie Wilson

Nicola Braid

The Union of Students in Ireland (USI) has been hailed for its success in its “Vote for Love” campaign after Ireland became the first country in the world to legalise gay marriage via public vote.

After a somewhat drawn out consultation process and more Salient coverage than you can shake a Rick at, VUWSA submitted its official recommendations for the future make-up of the University Council.

The University Council will be reduced from 19 seats to a maximum of 12 by the end of 2015 as a result of government legislation passed earlier this year.

VUWSA commended the Council for “sparking a conversation about university governance” and made some of the following suggestions based on consultations held with students in person and 1,004 online survey responses.

Students: VUWSA recommended that two of the seats be put aside for student representation, one being a VUWSA Executive nominee in consultation with Ngai Tauira, Pasifika Students’ Council and the Post-Graduate Students’ Association.

Almost 60 per cent of students surveyed were in favour of two seats, while less than 19 per cent felt there should be less than two.

The submission claimed students are in a “unique position” to present dissenting views to Council “without pressure from upper management or a similar hierarchy”.

productive” and to “improve the effectiveness of Council operations”.

Gender: VUWSA believes that the Council should prioritise gender equality in its composition, with VUWSA and the VUWSA women’s group claiming the the University “should do its utmost to shatter the glass ceiling”. Two-thirds of students surveyed also said that gender equality was a priority.

Consultation: The Council was encouraged to establish consultation processes that engage with specific communities including Māori, Pasifika, postgraduates, LGBTQIA, mature students and students with disabilities.

Additionally, there was a number of online responses from students who felt disconnected from the Council’s processes and who were concerned over University management “ignoring student concerns and their under-valuing of students and their difficulties in this era”.

Another student claimed that “the university is more concerned with running a ‘profitable business model’ than advancing students’ learning/involvement”.

71.14 per cent of students surveyed felt the VUWSA President or one of the Vice Presidents should act as a representative on the Council.

Academics: VUWSA urged the Council to retain academic staff representation on the basis that it was “crucial that members of council understand the importance of academic freedom and institutional autonomy”.

Terms: VUWSA suggested that student reps have two-year terms that overlap in order to ensure student positions were “more

Consultation on the body’s make up will continue until June, with changes to be confirmed for the 2016 Council elections.

www.salient.org.nz

The referendum took place on 23 May, with a turnout of over 60.5 per cent and 62 per cent voting in favour.

USI’s campaign, which was launched in January, claimed that over 90 per cent of Irish students were in favour of marriage equality.

The national body is said to represent over 250,000 students in over 40 universities across the country.

While national polls showed that 80 per cent of the population was in favour of marriage equality, the ageing population was a cause for concern for the bill’s passage.

As a result, Trinity College Dublin’s Students’ Union launched a campaign, dubbed “RingYourGranny”, encouraging students to reach out to elderly in the hope of broadening support.

Other student unions canvassed, handed out ice cream, gave campus speeches and marched in attempts to raise student awareness and encourage voter turnout. USI even created an app offering tailored transport advice to students who had to travel to their home districts to vote.

USI Equality Officer Laura Harmon said that “students feel very strongly about this issue and there is a clear hunger. It is fantastic that there is such a clear mandate from the membership for USI to campaign for marriage equality and adoption rights for same-sex couples.”

Harmon said that “students can be rightly proud of the tremendous contribution they have made to the success of this historic marriage equality referendum campaign.”

issue 13

A brief history of why your life sucks

News

championed by former MPs Roger Douglas and Ruth Richardson in the 1980s and 90s, and claims these reforms created an alienated, precarious and stressed generation.

He dubs our generation the children of “the mother of all budgets” delivered by Ruth Richardson in 1991, which made significant cuts to education, health and welfare.

Emma Hurley

For tertiary education, the 1991 budget cut the amount provided in student allowances, raised the age that allowances are free from means testing from 20 to 24, and introduced the student loan scheme.

University of Canterbury graduate and current Rhodes Scholar Andrew Dean has written a book about the current predicament of students in New Zealand.

VUWSA President Rick Zwaan also criticised the changes made to university funding as outlined by Dean. “It means that universities are forced to compete with each other for students (or EFTS as we are commonly referred to) … the current funding system changed dramatically in the 90s,” Zwaan said.

Ruth, Roger and Me: Debts and Legacies explores the historical context in New Zealand which lead to the current economic, social and political position of students today.

Dean’s book critiques the neo-liberal reforms

Ruth, Roger and Me addresses “poverty wages, unpaid internships, casual contracts, unemployment and underemployment, the spiralling cost of housing, even doctors’ fees”

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and ties these to a particular economic and political history.

The book questions the way in which “our current economic and social arrangements have become neutral in the public imagination, just a form of common sense”.

Douglas’ and Richardson’s continued defence of their reforms are presented in the book, including a visit to Richardson’s home in which she tells Dean “your words of ‘discomfort, loss and disconnection’ don’t resonate with me at all”.

Zwaan agrees with Dean’s claims. “We now have massive loans, have less support to study forcing us to work more hours in insecure jobs than our parents did. On top of that we’re also told that our degrees are worth less than they used to be and the employment market is not as pretty as it once was,” Zwaan said.

Out of respect for Dean’s stressed and financially strained generation, the book is short, easy to read, and can be purchased for $15.

editor@salient.org.nz

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salient

Mum, he’s a wooly good guy North Canterbury farmer Mike Bowler has “recruited” his sheep to bring some light humour to his region during its struggle with drought. Each day he scatters feed in a certain pattern, leaving the sheep to graze in the shape of a kiwi or the word “bugger”.

While some may lamb-aster Bowler for his efforts, at least he didn’t release his mutt-on them, and the sheep certainly didn’t hogg-ar(t) attention for too long.

NicLOLa Braid Sealing our hearts As all good New Zealanders, nay, people should have read—there was a loose seal (Lucille for those AD fans playing at home) slipping about in Auckland this week. Auckland Fire Communications confirmed on Twitter that there was a “mammal hazard on Coles Crescent, Papakura” and the incident was affectionately dubbed “Sealgate”.

Although why an innocent pinniped was likened to Nixon’s bugging of the DNC, readers— we just don’t know.

Piss off Android Google was forced to disable its map maker tool after this image from an unknown competitor was found in the system last month.

Weird things you can buy at foreign McDonald’s (it’s the last week, give us a break) • •

McTuggie sounds like a shitty euphemism Ug-stralia Employees of the Australian Federal Government’s Department of Immigration have been banned from wearing onesies and ugg boots to work.

The outfits were deemed too casual and verging—verging—on unprofessional. The Department Secretary Mike Pezzullo was stumped. “I didn’t even know what a onsie was and I was shown pictures of such garb.”

Just ya classic Aussie banter maaaattteeeeee. www.salient.org.nz

A Bangor University study has Aethon’s delivery robot, dubbed Willie McTuggie, has been introduced at a Californian Medical centre under the auspices that it can open draws, receive doses of pills and even wait for elevator doors to open.

The mobile robots are decorated by hospital staff and basically perform the tasks of a glorified intern—except the bots don’t annoy everyone talking about how they go “sooooo drrruunnkk” over the weekend.

• • • • • •

Crab Croquette Burger, made from snow crabs and mushrooms in Japan The “Land, Sea and Air” burger—a combination of a Big Mac, Filet-OFish and a McChicken, an unofficial menu item at all McDonald’s outlets, apparently.

Various forms of cheese nuggets from Russia, Italy and Austria A Chicken Maharaja and the McCurry Pan in an Indian McD’s McCurry bratwurst in Deutschland The Beijinger—black and white hamburgers that symbolise a Chinese motto McArabia—a pita bread sandwich for McDonald’s outlets in the Middle East The Grimace—an unofficial Dunedin specialty consisting of a cheeseburger inside a Quarter Pounder.

Puzzles

11

Quiz in your pants

1. Which is the most genetically diverse country on Earth?

2. Which senator from Vermont has decided to run for the 2016 Presidential Democratic Nomination?

3. Who is the Greek god of criticism and mockery?

4. What was Dolly Parton’s film debut?

5. What famous physicist was born on December 25?

6. In which year did Jon Stewart begin hosting The Daily Show?

7. Which recent film has outraged men’s rights activists for its defiant female characters?

8. What was unique about the recent legalisation of gay marriage in Ireland?

9. What is the name for the space between letters in typing and print?

10. As of June 2015, who will be the bearer of the Batman identity in the comics?

11. Which was ‘90s pop duo known for their name-calling anthem “U.G.L.Y.” recently released a comeback single?

12. How much will the redesign of New Zealand’s banknotes cost?

13. Where does an intravitreal injection go?

14. What did one Whittaker’s chocolate eater find in their chocolate last week?

15. How much does an average house in Auckland cost?

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Mexico Bernie Sanders Momus 9 to 5 Isaac Newton 1999 Mad Max: Fury Road It was done by popular vote

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Kerning Commissioner Gordon Daphne and Celeste $30 million The eyeball A wasp $800,000

issue 13

editor@salient.org.nz

issue 13

Features

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The Sedulous Recorder Jayne Mulligan For Susan Price, collecting and sharing children’s books is the stronghold of her life. She is self-described as mad, she is generous, and eternally admirable while refusing to admit it. Susan Price is a fascinating Wellington character, and an incredibly important figure in the world of children’s literature.

I used the telephone to arrange this meeting. I was directed to their house with specific instructions: follow the path, arrows would lead the way, do not go to the second flat. Of course, I forgot about the arrows and found myself on the wrong side of the house. Through the window I caught a vignette of the life within; folders were stacked perilously on top of each other, defying gravity. The warmth of the wooden interior and the grandiose binding of the encyclopaedic volumes that lined the shelves lent the room an Oxfordian romance.

And then there was a ladder—but of course there was—which took you to the mezzanine level, where more of the same was stored. I re-routed and found the arrows, which allowed me to find the door.

I felt like maybe I had gotten ahead of myself; I had peeled the wrapping paper back the day before Christmas. I imagined a world of precarious stacks of books, books as furniture and animals living amongst them, a wildness of papers exploding around the rooms. A part of me thought I would be walking in to a Grey Gardens-type situation, a world where time had stopped. I was very, very wrong.

I had gotten to know Susan Price while working at Vic Books; her regular visits were a total delight. Her distinctive style, gait, and manner of speech made her quite unforgettable; her effusive “thank you ever so much” remarks increased my job satisfaction tenfold. She would often come up to the counter with stacks of kids’ books, picture books and early readers, the classics as well as contemporary works.

She delighted in her purchases with an enthusiasm often lacking from a student campus where “chur” is an acceptable sign of appreciation.

Her appearances in my bookshop life made for bookshop magic.

After my first few encounters with her I was intrigued. A quick

Google search revealed Price housed an extensive collection of children’s literature. In 1991 she donated it to the National Library (she had to check they wanted it first, so she sent her father down to scope out their interest, as she daren’t face such rejection). It was arranged to be a living collection, to be housed with Susan until she was no longer able to do so, and to be continually updated and evolving until, again, she was not able to carry out the task.

After I found the correct course I knocked on their front door, which opened to Susan’s delighted smiling face. I approached like I was walking in to hallowed ground. It was not a scene out of Grey Gardens; there was neither dilapidation nor rodents. It was a beautifully kept home that housed a immaculately organised and curated collection of books. I didn’t want to make a fuss—Price seems allergic to effusive admiration—but the magnitude of her collection was slowly dawning, and I had only seen the hallway.

Price, 54, lives with her 84-year-old mother, Beverley Randell, in their family home. The house is from a different era—an obviously beloved era. Full of wooden trim, and furnishings in keeping with the 1904 origins of the house, Price is aware the next generation to own the house will more than likely gut and modernise it. “I think we, my mother and I, live a life most people don’t want to live,” she says. “But it suits us very well.”

Not a thing seemed out of place or dirty. She would apologise for the mess—“I’m sorry, as you can see I’ve just got papers everywhere”—but if this was chaos, it was the most organised chaos ever. With a vase of flowers spilling over the coffee table, and lines of decorative toys along the mantel and fire places, everything has a designated area to live in. The book collection itself spans the house, trailing along walls and around corners. After allowing me to digest the first impression of her house and collection, Susan showed me to the dining table where she had prepared afternoon tea for me. Under netted tents, upon a set of Denby China, Susan had prepared pikelets, topped with editor@salient.org.nz

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Features

salmon or jam, and crackers with the same. Susan’s generosity and thoughtfulness is immense; she even positioned me on the table so I wasn’t victim to the late afternoon sun. It was hosting done properly.

Knowing where to begin was as difficult as pulling the threads together for this piece. There are so many elements to this story, and if I gave the reigns to Susan she would most likely approach it chronologically from her grandparents, and work forwards. No doubt wonderfully rich tangents would pique her interest and take her elsewhere. Susan’s love of children’s literature is inherited, along with the bones of her current collection. Her mother Beverley is a writer of children’s books, and was awarded an Order of Merit for her contributions to children’s education. Her father was a publisher and they were both collectors in their own right. Together they instilled in Susan the same passions for curation and preservation, as well as the importance of stories.

Susan’s collection began not in her lifetime, but in her grandmother’s.

Price admits that her grandmother “was a bit unusual”—she loved children’s books. When she had children in the 1930s, she “was eager to find for them the very best of the new books being written for children at that time”. Susan spent most of her pocket money on children’s books, adding to the collection. In the summer of her seventeenth year, she indexed her library and found that it reached 350 children’s books, not including picture books or poetry books.

Not yet satisfied, Price set her sights further, looking to grow her collection to 1000 of the best children’s books around. She managed to meet this goal within a year, and has has long since exceeded it.

Her complete collection, which includes poetry, picture books, nonfiction, and biographies, reached 18,000 in 2002, and has only grown since.

It becomes clear just how well organised and systematic this entire enterprise is. With an index listing the books by subject, and cross referencing them, Susan is proud to be able to say she has read all of the books in her house—her main collection. There is an entire secondary collection, which is densely organised and claustrophobically housed in a smaller adjunct. This is her Room of the Unread. When we reach this room, Susan laughs voraciously “this is where I am mad, I have gone too far”. She insists I understand how busy she is, and that I appreciate just how difficult it is to keep on top of her reading with so many other projects going on. Finally, I think, a moment of reality. She isn’t some superhuman reading machine; rather, a dedicated servant to books. Where she puts her unread away, I put mine alongside those I have read.

As I listen back to the recording of our conversation, it is punctuated by the creaking spines of the books she has pulled out to show me, and the crinkling of dust jackets as they are delicately opened. Her stories are accompanied by artifacts, whether they be photographs, first editions, or newspaper clippings. As she opens books, clippings slide out from between the covers, a storage system for relevant information Price devised in lieu of space. Price’s documentary instinct runs deep, tracking each book’s purchase details—“I always write in pencil in the front of each book… I’m an archivist really, and I just see it as terribly important you see… I also think the price of a book is fascinating… the present will one day be the past.”

Price places immense value on recording and documenting, remembering, with terrifying precision, where each artifact ought to be. She seems to know where almost all of her books are, on the tips of her fingers. The map of her books is fused in her brain.

Price would often disappear and re-emerge with an edition of the book in question, recalling with accuracy the publishing company’s www.salient.org.nz

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history, as well as that of the author. Price is equal parts proper and eccentric. At one point during our discussions she gets up to swat a fly that had been distracting her for some time, worried about it sitting on the food. As she swats it she laughs and proclaims “I have a ruthless killer instinct!”. After cleaning up the mess of the fly, she rejoins the discussion with the same level of sincerity, as if nothing ever happened.

Price identified two stories in particular, or perhaps two authors, whose works had an incredible and lasting impression upon her.

The first was Milly-Molly-Mandy (1928) by Joyce Lankester Brisley, which had been a favourite in my household as well. The stories are of the simplicity of family life in a quaint English village. These books were the first to share 1920s village life with a wider audience, transcending the class divide. Along with illustrations penned by the author, each chapter contained a complete story, where something happened. This is something that both Price and her mother had learnt and held onto—the completeness of a story. Problems and resolutions fit tidily within the confines of a chapter, allowing for great satisfaction for the reader.

The other book Price read when she was ten. Thee, Hannah! (1940)

by Maguerite D’Angeli is story of a young Quaker girl who struggles to accept the plainness of her Quaker dress. Set during the abolition movement, an escaping slave girl sees Hannah’s plain Quaker bonnet and knows her parents would sympathise with their cause, and feels safe. Hannah’s bonnet then no longer feels tight, but more light and free. The moral undertones of this story appealed to Price, because she herself felt that there were much more important things in this world than being pretty. She proudly admits to not owning jewellery, nor wearing makeup. She is quick to make clear that she isn’t moralistic, and doesn’t disapprove of anyone else practicing these things. A sigh of relief slips between my lips; my fingers are covered in rings, and my face bears the signs of makeup. In passing, when I have seen Susan from afar, I have often thought that she was wearing a bonnet, as her black hat sits perfectly balanced on the crown of her head.

Around Christmas time, Susan and her mother came to Vic Books more frequently. Using Vic Books’ postage service, they would bring with them multiple pre-packed parcels of books ready for postage, sending to some lucky recipients. After a few probing questions, Susan revealed that she buys books for a range of children. She told me that owning books is incredibly important, and that most of the people she has encountered through her life had remembered vividly the books they actually owned.

Price seemed relatively covert about the details, but it seemed obvious that children of friends and family were the recipients of her generosity. Price has by now helped curate many children’s libraries.

She sends a new bundle of books every month, and the bundle will be thematically connected and specifically tailored to the child’s age bracket or interests. She corresponds with them as well, and often sends a toy along with the packages. This practice is in part to break books out of what Susan has termed “the loop”. Susan points out that kids’ books have a cyclical nature—as children, your parents would have read you things they knew about from their own childhoods.

The repeated purchase of the same books often keeps new and modern works from becoming famous.

Susan is giving these children more variety and loop-free books. She also keeps records of these correspondences, with photocopies of the books, details of their purchase, dates, and themes all recorded in giant ring binders, bursting at the seams. Her modesty prevented much discussion about this organised programme of generosity, but

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Price has by now helped curate many children’s libraries. She sends a new bundle of books every month, and the bundle will be thematically connected and specifically tailored to the child’s age bracket or interests.

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as Price sees it, she can’t cultivate this collection and love of children’s books and not share it with others. Perhaps, too, there’s an element of poignancy around not having had any children of her own.

During our conversations, Price alluded several times to her illness, something which has plagued and altered her life considerably, but never stopped her doing what she loves. She suffers from an autoimmune disease, polyarteritis nodosa. The disease makes her white blood cells go into overdrive, often resulting in nodules around her arteries. Price first exhibited symptoms at the age of 16, and remorsefully acknowledges this was when her energy disappeared.

Her disease has seen multiple near-death experiences, with doctors giving her weeks or mere hours to live.

With another near-death experience in 2008, coinciding with the death of her father, Price no longer fears death. Price has seen down the road of death; while looking, she thought of her loved ones, and recited poetry from World War One—“I met a man this morning who did not wish to die”. These men, she tells me, truly knew that death was around the corner. The same awareness seems to have seeped into Price’s life. Rather than fearing death itself, Price fears that it may come too soon, when she isn’t ready. After her father died, her attempts to write the history of Brooklyn were subsumed by the importance of her father’s life—the importance of recording it and publishing it. She had been recording stories about his childhood for over 25 years. I asked whether archiving was a mode of expressing love for her, and she agreed, saying it’s the very essence of who she is, one to preserve and record. As Kate De Goldi describes her, she is a sedulous recorder.

She sort of seems to have this fear that if she doesn’t record and capture as much as possible, then it won’t be kept for the next generation. Whether it is books, or facts, or details, or clippings from newspapers—for Price, recording and preserving is living. On my way out, I noticed the treehouse erected near their front door. Susan told me “one of the first things my father did after he bought this house was build a treehouse; childhood always meant a lot to him, he was a wonderful father.” It seems that in their house, childhood itself has been preserved. As I turned to leave, Beverley, her mother, turned up with groceries in hand. Before she launched into their stories for a second time, Susan quickly assured her she had passed along the information. With sincere thanks, I say my final goodbyes and follow the arrows back. When I return to work, I can’t quite describe the magical world I had just visited. editor@salient.org.nz

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GUS MITCHELL

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When I suggested that I write an article on cryptids, I was dismayed to learn that no-one in the office knew what they were. Sam, our esteemed editor, hadn’t even heard of them. To which I said, “exactly!”, whilst adjusting my monocle and twirling my moustache. You see, a “cryptid” is a “hidden” animal, one that eludes capture or investigation by modern science.

Cryptozoology, the name of the study dedicated to them, is controversial in biologist circles and is considered a pseudoscience, but it still persists today, as skeptic societies, UFO hunters and other assorted kooks go hunting for these elusive beasts.

Most people have heard of the “big three” of the cryptozoological school—Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and the Abominable Snowman or Yeti. But this is just the tip of the iceberg-that-may-or-may-not-be-a-giant-polar-sea-serpent-if-you-look-closely. For, you see, even stranger creatures exist out there, from deepest Africa to the polar regions of the Terra Incognita. According to George M. Eberhart, writer for the Journal of Scientific Exploration, for an animal to qualify as a cryptid, “[it] must be big, weird, dangerous or significant to humans in some way”. So here are ten of the biggest, weirdest and most dangerous cryptids I know.

1. Emela-Ntouka

2. Kongamato

Successfully resurrecting a dinosaur from what little fossil DNA has been recovered has been described as trying to rewrite the whole works of Shakespeare from a few sentences. Until we find an amber-trapped mosquito, our next best bet is to explore the uncharted forests and swamps around the Republic of the Congo, namely the Likoula swamp, where reports of large reptiles had been cited by explorers and locals in the 30s and 40s. While not strictly a dinosaur, one described is the Emela-Ntouka, meaning “the killer of elephants”. Eyewitnesses describe the beast as being elephant-sized, with a crocodilian tail and a single ivory horn on its head. Despite its vegetarian diet, it has been reported to violently gore elephants and water buffalos. Opinions are split on whether it could be a triceratops-like dinosaur or some undiscovered species of semiaquatic rhino. I personally lean toward the dinosaur explanation, because dinosaurs.

Another native cryptid of central Africa is the pterodactyl Kongamato.

Its name means “breaker of boats” in the Kaonde language, as it has been reported to overwhelm local fishermen and break their canoes.

The Kongamato was first described by explorer Richard Melland in 1923 in his book In Witch-Bound Africa. Locals described it to him as boasting a wingspan of two metres, larger than any known bat, and fiery red skin. A later corroboration by the Duke of Windsor in 1925 with a local man attacked in a swamp confirmed that the beast best resembled a pterodactyl. Most artists depict the creature as resembling the pterosaur Rhamphorhynchus, which has a fossil record in nearby Tanzania and has a similar size wingspan. If animals like crocodiles and turtles have survived the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs, could it be that extinction have slipped a few cheeky pterosaurs past as well? editor@salient.org.nz

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3. Atmosphere Beasts

4. Wild Haggis

Aside from bacteria and fungal spores that have been found at 30,000 feet, no living thing on Earth survives solely in the air. However, every now and again, UFO hunters and photographers file reports of gigantic, near-translucent rod-shaped structures floating in the background of their pictures. These atmosphere beasts, also known as “skyfish” or “air rods”, are believed to be alien organisms that inhabit our atmosphere, or the evolved form of worms and fish that have been sucked up by the Earth’s water cycle. They feed on bacteria in the atmosphere like a whale feeds on krill, and suspend themselves on long ribbon-like fins that undulate along the length of their body in the manner of a stingray. Unfortunately, a lot of the reports of these creatures turn out to be camera bugs, literally.

An investigation by CCTV (that’s China Central Television, not the spy camera network) found that these air rods were actually optical illusions created by the wingbeats of insects, which camera optics pick up as rodlike tracks of light. But I want to believe...

Our editor’s favourite cryptid, the Wild Haggis (Haggis scoticus), roams the highlands of Scotland and is believed to be the source of Scotland’s signature meat dish instead of the ignoble sheep. The left and right legs of the wild haggis are of different lengths, making it perfectly adapted to traipsing the highland terrain of Scotland, albeit only if it wishes to move in one direction. The wild haggis exists in both clockwise and anticlockwise-moving varieties, and because of this, mating of the species can only be achieved between one anticlockwise- and one clockwisemoving animal, so that the mounting male can maintain his balance upon a female. It is currently unknown which variety is the dominant or recessive trait, but Scottish locals have encouraged tourists to go haggis hunting in the hopes of better understanding this mysterious creature.

5. The Moehau Man

6. Kraken

Aotearoa boasts a few cryptids of its own. You may have heard of the panther that stalks southern Canterbury or the “waitoreke”, the otter or platypus-like cryptid whose sightings extend back to early Māori settlement. We also have our own Bigfoot, the Moehau Man or the Maero, named after demonic humanoid creatures from Māori lore that were said to live in the uncharted forests of northern New Zealand.

Specifically, he Moehau Man is believed to dwell around the Coromandel region. It stands around seven feet tall, is covered in fur and has arms that reach its knees. Reports of its existence from European settlers go back to the 1870s, when gold miners reported seeing large humanoid figures in the bush. Later reports in the 1950s and 70s believe that the cryptid might be an escaped gorilla or other large ape which, honestly, would still be pretty cool, or a tall tale told at the pub that got out of hand. In any case, I vote we get it on the new flag.

The platypus, the okapi (the giraffe’s only living relative), the komodo dragon and even the giant panda were all considered made-up at some point in history before cryptozoologists and ordinary scientists alike had proven that they actually existed. But the real king of told-you-so goes to the discovery of the kraken. You may know the colossal shipwrecking cephalopod of Scandinavian myth as either the heraldic animal of House Greyjoy, what Liam Neeson released in Clash of the Titans, and/or a particularly delectable brand of spiced whisky. Scientists today know it as Architeuthis or the giant squid. The mythology ends and the biology begins around 1853, and further oceanic investigations were met with skepticism, with one French Academy of Sciences member in 1861 calling the kraken “contradiction of the great laws of harmony and equilibrium that which have sovereign rule over living nature”. But once many specimens began to wash up on beaches, as they still do today, giant squids will now and forever be a big middle tentacle to non-believers and cryptozoo-haters the world over.

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7. Ningen

8. Mongolian Death Worm

Forget the Abominable Snowman, the Ningen is like an Abominable Slenderman, stalking boats and generally freaking people the fuck out.

The Ningen was first documented by a Japanese whale “research” vessel in the Antarctic Circle that took photos of the arms, head and torso of a 30 ft long white humanoid figure in the water. Hence its name, which is the Japanese word for “human being”. The Ningen is either wholly or semi-aquatic, perfectly comfortable in the polar waters of the Antarctic Ocean, and blending in alongside the icebergs. They also only come out at night, making them difficult to document. They are a particularly popular discussion topic in Japanese cryptozoology and UFO-ology forums, with few photos of the beasts existing online. The full reports on the first encounter have been covered up by the Japanese government, only adding to the mystery.

To the horror of Gobi Desert dwellers but to the delight of Dune fans, there supposedly exists a giant sand worm in Mongolia, known as the olgoi-khorkoi or “large intestinal worm”. The first mention of its existence was in 1926 by Roy Chapman Adams in his book On The Trail of Ancient Man, who first heard the creature described to him by the Mongolian Prime Minister Damdinbazar. In fact, the worm is one of the rare political cryptids—the online encyclopedia The Cryptid Zoo states that “communism hampered investigation for many years” into the animal’s habitat and biology. Fortunately, enough proletarian accounts have been put together to give a relatively consistent report on the creature’s look and demeanor. The worm grows to a maximum of five feet long and can rapidly burrow through sand at high speeds. The worm has numerous methods of inflicting lethal wounds on its victims, either spitting acidic venom or generating a paralysing shock similar to the electric eel.

Legends say it possesses the power to kill people from a distance by biting their footprints.

9. Zeuglodon

10. Mothman

For centuries, reports of sea serpents and lake monsters have come all over the globe. Aside from the famous Loch Ness Monster, there’s also Ogopogo of British Columbia, Champ of Lake Champlain, Lariosauro of Italy, Issie of Japan, and the countless reports of sea serpents encountered on oceanic voyages. One current theory that unites all these disparate loch-a-likes is that they are all members of this species. Zeuglodon is the second name of the species Basilosaurus, which is not a reptile as its name would suggest, but actually a prehistoric whale. Palaeontologists used to assemble their bones into a upright cobra pose, assuming they were giant snakes. In reality, whales from 40 million years ago went through an awkward teenage phase of evolution where they were serpentine in shape with pointed toothy snouts like a dog, before settling into the blubbery piscine shape we all know and love. Analysis on their hip and thorax bones seem to suggest that they swam in a more eel-like fashion instead of the up-and-down tail strokes of modern era whales. The fossil record for the Zeuglodon stops around 20 million years ago, but it is believed that they survived to today and evolved to adapt to freshwater habitats, explaining the sea serpent sightings today.

Between 12 and 15 November 1966 two different couples in Point Pleasant, West Virginia reported a strange flying creature following their cars late at night. The creature was a five foot tall winged humanoid with a five foot wingspan. His eyes glow bright red in the manner of bicycle reflectors. And so the nocturnal flyer came to be known as the Mothman.

The 1966 sightings became the basis for The Mothman Prophecies written

by John Keel in 1975, who believes the Mothman is an alien emissary sent to warn humankind about future calamities, which he “corroborated” with UFO sightings and reports of Men in Black. These days, the Mothman is considered a local legend and since become a commercial sellout, its image used to promote community events in West Virginia and drum up local produce sales and garner attention from the local media. On a completely unrelated note, you can read all about its distaff counterpart, the Mothwoman, in my fortnightly comic Escape from Conspiracy Earth, which returns to Salient on the first week of the second trimester.

editor@salient.org.nz

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Under the Influence of Unsung Heroes Philip McSweeney

I’d like to take a brief moment to offer a massive shout-out to all the parents in the place with style and grace, whether “regular” or “step-” or otherwise. Even in practical terms the responsibility is daunting.

Sleepless nights spent tending to mewling, projectileshitting devilspawn. Dealing with terrible twos and terrible teens (Mother, Father: I’m So Sorry). The immense financial encumbrance (the average cost of rearing a child to the age of 21 in New Zealand averages a cool $400,000).

Readers who haven’t borne offspring or sired heirs, take a moment of silence and bow your heads to reflect on the countless folk who’ve watched previous hopes and dreams and autonomy get interred without hope of resurrection for eighteen years.

This doesn’t even cover the emotional toll, the unimaginable worry, the surge of joy and anxiety and confusion that must surely attend loving wholeheartedly, unconditionally, someone who will always, to you, be so vulnerable.

Parenting is not a walk in the park—indeed, the only time many new parents will get a chance to traipse through some public gardens is to try and use the motion to stop their child from wailing. A couple of centuries ago it all got a cunt-load harder when Freud and his attendant psychologists came along the scene and ascribed a host of character flaws to bad parenting—or more specifically, bad mothering.

Today, Freud’s psychological teachings are massively out of fashion, presumably after someone noticed that his surname is literally one letter away from being Fraud. He’s also unfashionable because, with Freudian Psychology, you just can’t fuckin’ win: if you’re obsessed with detail, it’s because your Mum was too controlling. If you’re wild and explosive and spontaneous, it’s because you Mum let you shit where you like and didn’t reprimand you enough.

Searching JSTOR for “Freud woman behaviour towards man” will yield two main articles: one insisting that women who are wary of men are so because of a distant father,

and one insisting that women who are “destructively promiscuous” (fukk off m8) are so because of that same distant father. Not quite an exact science then.

But psychology and sociology have confirmed some of his inklings. How your parents behaved, even before you were a twinkle in the milkman’s eye, will influence how you turn out. As the lines from Philip Larkin’s famous poem go: “They fuck you up, your Mum and your Dad / They may not mean to but they do / they fill you with the faults they had / and add some extra, just for you.”

The extent to which this applies is extraordinary; scientists have demonstrated that certain behavioural patterns recode your DNA, which gets passed on during procreational intercourse. Your biological parents could have successfully quit smoking decades before they bore you, for example, but the imprint remains.

Of course parenthood doesn’t and shouldn’t entail biological connection, but that doesn’t elide your responsibility, nosirree. Studies have continuously shown that “good parenting” is about twice as important to a child as “even the best schooling”.

If this bloate—I mean, umm, sprawling introduction has left you feeling like you know all this already, good only as fodder for the woodpulp, then be assured that that was the point. We all know how important parents are to our lives, the impact they had during our formative stages, how much we owe them. But what about the benign unsung influences? An eclectic host of influences conspired to make you who you are today, some good, some bad, some ambiguous, like that drug dealer who whispered “psst!” at you while you walked by their alleyway and offered you a tinny for $15 (hit up Egmont Street if that’s your—wait for it—BAG LOL). Kanye offered a toast to the douchebags, the arseholes and the scumbags; Imma offer a toast to the grandparents, exes, chance one-off encounters and celebs in our life instead. Let’s start with…

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For My Grandparents [N.B. I recognise that not all readers will have had relationships with their grandparents. Some of them may have passed away at an untimely time, and for this I offer my sincerest condolences; feel free to substitute “Grandparents” with “Great-aunts-and-uncles” or similar if you wish.]

I owe both sets of my grandparents a huge deal, in ways I hadn’t really considered until recently. In Western culture, and my personal experience, grandparents represent the comfort and closeness of family outside your immediate kin. This is especially true in youth. I have fond memories of having hot water bottles pressed to my feet while I giggled ecstatically, being gently taught about a number of esoteric interests (in my Paternal G-Pa’s case, literally birds and bees). You could cry in front of them and it was okay because they were your grandparents and you knew they loved you and they could make it better. Cast your mind back to the happiest memories of a serene youth, and I’ll bet your grandparents and their homely, impossibly warm house is involved somehow—not to mention their cooking (oh sweet Zeus the cooking).

Somewhere along the way things change. The relationship doesn’t deteriorate, exactly, but shifts into a weird place.

Gaps start occurring. Talking one-on-one is harder.

Differences in political and personal ideologies seem insurmountable. Somewhere along the way, many people feel as though they’ve lost that special relationship as they grow up.

It doesn’t have to be that way. I stayed with my Nan during a portion of a summer, during a tenure painting in Feilding. We got annoyed with each other, drove each other batty, occasionally even fought; but even while we were angry with each other, we were angry in the way that only family can be angry with each other, a kind of irritation underpinned by affection and love. There was rancour, sure, but there was also candour.

I want this anecdote to illustrate that, just as we come to accept our parents as complex individuals as we grow up,

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the same should extend to our grandparents. We are privy to sides of them that were either hidden or undetected during our halcyon youth. This gives us an opportunity to know them better and appreciate them all the more.

I recognise now my maternal Nan’s wit, razor-sharp intelligence and formidable countenance (the retirement village she currently resides at expected a timid, acquiescent octogenarian. Suffice to say they have been redressed).

My paternal Grandmother’s all-embracing, welcoming nature has been put in perspective as I’ve realised that not everyone would open their hearth and home to Mongrel Mob affiliates and travelling priests alike without batting an eyelid. With age comes appreciation of nuances and complexities of character. This can form a conduit to more beautifully personal relationships, and with the wealth of experience and advice they have to impart it’d be lunacy not to take advantage of it.

On a more morbid note, it’s often said that pets are useful for children in that it gives them experience with loss and grief. Most people’s grandparents die while they’re at an age where coping with loss, while no less hard, is contextualized through the prism of a late-teen or twentysomething experience. It is an awful thing to experience.

I’m not sure if I’ve even fully processed the loss of my three absent grandparents. But it also gives us a chance to look at their death through their lives, their accomplishments and their narratives. In this way you can cherish them and their experiences more.

Love your grandparents while they live and venerate all the things about them that made you you in their death; it’s a cliche, but my Papa’s staunch intellectualism, my Grandma’s subtle and empathetic kindnesses and my Granddad’s intense fascination in niches—and, I admit, some of his more viceful habits—live on in me, the child they swaddled and loved from afar. Cue violins.

To The Exes As a rule of thumb, I earnestly believe that you never truly know the measure of a man until you’ve spoken to his exes—and, more generally, that you can tell a great deal about someone from how well they get on with their

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But with time and distance comes, hopefully, wisdom, and with that wisdom comes the maturity to see your exes as they are; usually wonderfully people who were deserving of your attraction in the first place.

ex-partners. Like all generalising pearls of wisdom, there are obviously exceptions to the rule, mainly relationships that were based on manipulation, coercion and abuse; and while the wounds of a recently-finished relationship are still sore and festering, asking someone to be “objective” about an ex is pretty much an act of cruelty.

But with time and distance comes, hopefully, wisdom, and with that wisdom comes the maturity to see your exes as they are; usually wonderfully people who were deserving of your attraction in the first place. Whether they were integral to your first, fumbling, sexual experiences, whether they were the ones you pined over while crying to American Football in the dark, or even if they were one of your “grown-up” relationships, maintaining cordial ties isn’t just pleasant and nice (the idea of friendship as a “consolation prize” is such BS), it’s logical—if you cared about them and enjoyed their company, why stop that just because the dynamics have shifted?

This one comes with the caveat that these relationships might not be “easy”, though they are profoundly fulfilling.

But even if you don’t maintain contact, at least acknowledge their influence. What they taught you about intimacy and romance and bodies; how they made you feel and how you made them feel; about how it feels so feel so specifically close to one person. Look: just don’t be the dick that talks about your “crazy ex” or how bored you were or how they “fucked you over” because they broke up with you years later. Like it or not they helped shape the way you treat romantic and/or sexual relationships. Embrace it. But only if you’re in a good enough place! Boundaries y’all.

Random Chance Encounters I, like approximately 99.99recurring per cent of every other person of the species, find it difficult to live in the world sometimes. It’s easy not to feel at home or maudlin, but even beyond that it’s so easy to just feel like you’re stuck in a rut of endless tedium and repetition with nothing but your own ideas for company.

offer you a new perspective and make you feel refreshed and good, suddenly hopeful about the goodness of humans and serendipity of life.

Here’s the thing: these conversations are entered into under the tacit understanding that this is a once-off, never to be repeated kind of deal. Most of these encounters will be the single interaction you have with this person in your entire life. The importance of these encounters may be immediately apparent, or only make sense as the gems they are in retrospect.

Regardless, these special, ineffable encounters make you feel like you do when you’ve read a good book, or watched a good film, and suddenly your life is infused with the texts and you walk around a world coloured by 50s noir tropes or quaint Victorian-Era country estate drama or whatever. They’re a way of reorienting yourself and refreshing yourself, and offer a hint at the weird kind of majestic curveballs life seems to delight in throwing our ways. Treasure these moments.

Taylor Swift ...Or any celebrity of your choice. I’m not joking. People will spout theories about the postmodern artifice of celeb culture until their sacred cows come home, or talk about disconnection and false idols, or even reprimand you for saying you “love” the Pixies because you don’t know them (these people make me literally want to tear my eyes out and suck them through a straw. Literally). Fuck ‘em. Sing Taylor Swift into your hairbrush like you’re six again, read Azealia Banks’ W article in gasping awe (and flick through the pictures. I said GODDAMN), hang posters on your wall. Pandora’s Box has been opened, suckas, and the voices it’s given us access to is more than worth the vapidity. All Hail Queen Bey.

But then you meet Them. Maybe it’s at a party, maybe it’s at a bus stop, maybe on a train. And you have the best, more enlivening conversation you’ve had in ages, and they editor@salient.org.nz

Nick Devos www.ndevosdesign.com

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Are you addicted to coffee?

Bethany Tiddy

2.

1.

Do you consume coffee daily? Yes/No

Do you get a headache if you haven't had coffee by midday?

Yes/No

3.

Do you take caffeine pills if drinking coffee isn't possible?

Yes/No

5.

6.

4.

Do you consume at least 4-5 coffees per day? Yes/No

Congratulations! You have completed the Addiction Diagnosis.

Tally up how mzany ‘Yes’ answers you have and read below to find out more.

Do you drink coffee instead of sleep? Yes/No

1-2 No addiction You are one of the lucky ones. You can take or leave coffee and still get a kick when you do have it.

Do you get irritable and impatient if you haven't had your morning coffee? Yes/No

3-4 Low addiction You could easily break the addiction in a day or two and feel normal without coffee.

7.

Does coffee no longer give you a boost, but just a feeling of normal? Yes/No

8.

Do you spend at least $20 dollars a week on coffee products?

Yes/No 9. Do you plan your day around getting coffee? Yes/No 10.Do you drink more coffee than you do plain water? Yes/No www.salient.org.nz

5-6 Mild Addiction Avoid contact with others until you’ve had coffee.

7-8 High Addiction You need coffee to function normally. A Coffee Detox may be in order to reset your coffee clock.

9-10 Extreme Addiction Without coffee you would experience severe withdrawal symptoms that would last for around two weeks or more.

Consider cutting back gradually.

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Bethany Tiddy

I have taken the coffee addiction test and scored 7 out of 10, discovering that I am highly addicted to coffee. I decided the best time to do a coffee detox would be while on the mid-trimester break in my hometown. Te Awamutu has a limited range of good cafes, and my family don’t drink Day 5 a lot of coffee, so there shouldn’t be too much temptation. I left my study, work, I visited my Grandma in Matamata this morning. She offered me some of her instant coffee. Yuck. I told her about my detox and coffee machine and coffee-drinking friends she nodded sympathetically, saying that she also suffered from in Wellington and went to Te Awamutu for drinking too much coffee. I am not the only struggler out there. I the week. A “Cold Turkey” method was the met a cousin for lunch at nice cafe. Instead of a flat white I had a $7 next step. With this method a person simply smoothie. ceases to consume coffee. This comes with Day 6 pros and cons.

Pros: 1.

2.

3.

The fastest way to detox from coffee A realisation of coffee’s influence on body functioning Save money

Another quiet day at home with my only appointment being “coffee” with a friend this afternoon. But of course it won’t really be coffee for me. Another $7 smoothie. I’m not sure that it’s cheaper to cut back coffee! I’ve spent $14 so far. That’s almost four coffees!

Maybe I should just stop here and save myself money… it would be the most logical decision. No! I can do it! Two more days!

Cons:

Day 7

1.

2.

3.

I went shopping for the day with Mum and we wandered past a new cafe that did Supreme. I do love my Supreme. Not many cafes do Supreme in the Waikato, let alone in tulip cups. Hamiltonians love to guzzle back their latte bowls. I hurried to the counter and ordered a small flat white before I could change my mind. I waited with mum at a table, babbling about how it was okay because I wanted coffee, I didn’t need coffee. The waitress arrived and placed down a delicately poured flat white. I cradled the small cup in my fingers and lifted it to my mouth. The dark crema hit my lips and I felt the buzz all afternoon. I even felt like going for a run! That never happens!

4.

Can produce severe mood swings A person may be out of action for 1 to 3 days Can lead to loss in productivity that produces more of a tendency to give up Social sacrifices

My week without coffee Day 1 Painkillers. Water. Napping. No sudden movements. Early night.

Day 2 Dull headache. Water and green smoothies. It hurts, it really really hurts. Why have I signed up for this? I’m going to return to coffee anyway, so what good is a week off going to do?

Day 3 No painkillers needed, but temptations began. I drove my friends to Raglan for the day. Brunching was very difficult, as well as walking past the original Raglan Roast coffee house. I had to maintain a positive attitude for my friends, rather than smashing my forehead against the driving wheel on the way home.

Day 4 I stayed at a friend’s house last night and the next morning she made pancakes for breakfast which made up for the lack of coffee.

Since she doesn’t drink coffee, the temptation wasn’t there. My brain is slowly clearing up and it doesn’t seem so bad after all. I’m over halfway there; maybe I can actually do this.

I failed the detox. On the last day, too. I just could not do it. The temptation was too much to handle. I don’t even feel guilty, not one bit. If you are considering a coffee detox, here are a few tips.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

Plan ahead so that the first couple days of detox fall on a long weekend or holiday.

Have pain relievers on hand.

Avoid the need to drive.

Prepare some meals in advance like soup or other easy to digest foods.

Talk with family or flatmates about what you are about to do, what they can expect, and how they can help.

Inform your boss or lecturer about your coffee detox and apply for any necessary extension or days off.

-

Since returning to Wellington I’m straight back into my coffee routine. I must admit, it feels great to reunite with my coffee machine and get my fix at VicBooks. Just like any relationship it’s important to appreciate coffee instead of being codependent. Coffee is an important friend and absence really does make the heart grow fonder. editor@salient.org.nz

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Bridget Bones

Fuck, buddy For a brief period of time last year, I had a fuck buddy. Admittedly, the sex wasn’t fantastic, and it was incredibly awkward at times, but it was fun while it lasted. Having a fuck buddy is great, and I’m a firm believer in the value of casual sex. You get to relieve some of that builtup sexual tension without masturbating, they buy you drinks in town, you get to make out, and, let’s face it, who doesn’t like a good fuck? But the problem is, having a fuck buddy is pretty much only great while it lasts. For many, and this includes myself, the post-fuck-buddy stage is horrific. You have to see them, in my case every day, and every time you do all you can think about is “Oh my God, we’ve seen each other naked” while you sit across from each other at dinner. I’m sure for some people casual sex is amazing, not awkward when it ends, and is something you can look back on with a bizarre sense of sex-pride; if you’re in that boat you’re fucking lucky and I envy you. My time in the realm of fuck-buddyism wasn’t much to write home about. Which makes writing this article incredibly difficult.

Many of you, especially you freshers, will be at a point in your life where you’re considering the idea of a fuck buddy. For some of you, it may be a fabulous idea. For others, it will be a fucking terrible decision and you should get off that thought train right now, even if you’re already halfnaked, titties flopping everywhere and riding him like a disco-stick. And because lots of you will be umming and ahhing about whether or not you should join Tinder in order to find a potential fuck buddy, I’m gonna share some tips and advice, some from myself, some from my friends, so you can way up your options and decide to bone, or not to bone.

www.salient.org.nz

issue 13

Sex

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Who to bone The Friend

The Random

The Ex

Becoming fuck buddies with someone you’re already friends with can be great. You already know the person, you know they’ve got a fit bod, and you’re comfortable around each other. Plus, you can be about 80 per cent certain as to what they’ll look like in the nude. However, if you’re thinking about boning your friend, you have to keep some things in mind:

Screwing a random can be pretty fun. It’s exciting, it’s sexy, and you get to make a great new fuck-friend in the process. Doing a random takes away the pressure, because you can leave it as a one-night stand, or you can make it a proper sex buddy agreement. Most of my friends found that if you’re in search of a stranger to screw, Tinder or Grindr is the way to go. Otherwise, prowling the clubs looking hot works too. Hint though: if you’re looking to do a stranger, you’ve got to be open-minded, and prepared to flaunt what yo mama gave you to seduce a potential hook-up. Screwing a random is the easiest way to keep your dignity intact; you can choose whether or not you want to keep fucking without risking awkward friendships and encounters in the future. Plus, you won’t have made a bond with them yet, so there’s less chance of feelings. There’s a whole website dedicated to people’s stories about fucking strangers, and it’s hilarious. Check it out on thecasualsexproject.com to read about peoples experiences and decide if this is the option for you.

Ah, the ex. A lot of people continue to have casual sex with their exes after they’ve broken up. Apparently it’s “cause you know what the sex is gonna be like”, or “I’m too lazy to find someone else”. There’s something satisfying about knowing what to expect in the sack, and regardless of how the break up happened, you can be sure the sex is going to be somewhat satisfying. If you’re screwing your ex again, you’re in for a pretty predictable ride. Sure, they know how to get you off, and you’ve met their mum, but is it really worth it? Think about why you broke up in the first place, and why you want to go back there. And for the love of God, don’t go back there hoping to get back together.

Bad move.

A) Are you prepared to have them see your naked body, in all its glory, and potentially tell your other friends about it?

B) Are you prepared for everyone else you’re friends with to know you’re fucking this friend?

C) Are you prepared for the possibility of the friendship ending if the fucking doesn’t go so well?

I (stupidly) chose to bang one of my friends. It ended horribly, and we no longer talk. And now, every time I see him, I am emotionally scarred by the fact that he has witnessed me in all my naked glory, and vice versa. Not cool. On top of that, there’s the awkward chance that one of you will develop feelings, which will just make the whole experience humiliating, and may leave you fuck-less and hurt. However, doing your friend makes it significantly easier to booty call, which is great, and they can boast to your other friends about how majestic you are in the sack, which is great if this one doesn’t work out.

How to make the sex great Be prepared for it to get Fuck Buddy 101: keep Don’t fall in love weird yourself safe Seems basic, but more often than not casual sex The biggest bonus of casual sex is that you get to explore your sexual fantasies. The point of having a fuck buddy arrangement is that you can experiment with each other! Having a fuck buddy means you get to be the filthy pervert you’ve always wanted to be; you’re not fucking to impress or fall in love, you’re fucking because you’re entire body should be absolutely horny and should be willing to transform into full smut mode whenever the occasion arises. But this means you have to be prepared for the sex to get kinky. Casual sex agreements normally come with some strings, just not emotional ones. These strings include threesomes, foursomes, orgies, sex toys, kinks—you name it, it will probably come up at some point. If you’re entering into a causal sex agreement, be prepared to leave your inhibitions behind. Just remember to communicate your boundaries; if you do, you’ll have sexperiences you’ll remember for the rest of your life.

If you don’t have a basic level of protection in your fuck buddy relationship, you can expect it to go tits up very quickly (and not in the good way). This includes, but is not limited to: openly communicating if you’re seeing other people; using protection (ALWAYS USE A CONDOM KIDS); not knowingly giving the other person STDs; being aware at all times that you are okay with what is happening; and making sure you’re both happy and okay with your sexual encounters. It would be easy enough to treat the other person solely as a stick to ride, but never forget there’s a person attached to the orifice/appendage you’re using for pleasure, and you shouldn’t treat them like shit or put either of you in danger just because you’ve scored some no-strings-attached sex.

leads to feelings. I’ve been there, and it sucked.

If you’re having casual sex, you shouldn’t be expecting Prince Charming to come rescue you on a white horse; you should expect someone hung like a horse who makes you come. It’s understandable that you can eventually start to feel comfortable and feelings may start to blossom. If that happens, abort the damn mission. Bitch-slap yourself, get someone else to bitch-slap you, have a cold shower, do some shots and remember there’s a reason you didn’t want to date this person to begin with.

The thing to remember if you’re gonna have casual sex is that it should be fun. Relax, wear some nice panties, be sexy, and most of all, make him/her scream. Remember that casual sex is not about falling in love, it’s about enjoying sex.

So go forth, fuck a lot, forget those feelings, and have some fun!

xoxo Bridget Bones editor@salient.org.nz

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Brontë Ammundsen A team from the University of British Columbia of Canada may have paved the way to a less risky future for blood transfusions. In Issue 8, you may have read my article “Baby, what’s your type”, in which I explained the actions of antigens and antibodies to define exactly what your blood type means. In essence, your blood type is categorised by presence or absence of different proteinous residues (called antigens) on the surface of red blood cells. Blood type A features an N-acetylgalactosamine residue, while B types have a galactose residue. Type AB has both. The only blood type free from this is type O. The risk with blood transfusions is that each blood type also carries antibodies.

These attack blood of different types that feature these residues. Because O is free of residues, it is considered the “universal” blood type—anybody can receive type O blood, because there are no residues to provoke an immune response.

The team of researchers worked with a family of enzymes called 98 glycoside hydrolase enzymes, initially extracted from a bacteria called Streptococcus pneumoniae. Through a method called “directed evolution”, a super high-powered enzyme strain was engineered that is able to efficiently remove the antigen residues. Application of this enzyme will allow people to receive blood from any donor, removing hurdles in blood transfusions such as risk of clerical errors in blood typing, and the rarity of certain blood types.

and development problems. One of the challenges identified by the organisation was to reduce the spread of HIV. Condoms provide a great solution. However, as Papa Salif Sow, a senior program officer on the HIV team, pointed out, “The undeniable and unsurprising truth is that most men prefer sex without a condom, while the risks related to HIV infections or unplanned pregnancies are disproportionately borne by their partners.”

the suggestion of condom use is often taken to imply that one already has AIDS.

While the current strain is not yet able to perform 100 per cent removal of antigens, further manipulation of the enzyme may be all we need for the success of this medical breakthrough.

Bridget Pyc As we draw to the end of Trimester One, the science team here at Salient has begun to ponder, “Have we made science cool yet?

What can we do to keep science sexy?” And that’s when it dawned on us. The answer was right there all along: we combine science with sex.

Similarly, as Bill and Melinda Gates pondered how they could make a positive contribution to world health, they found that their answer was also through a combination of sex and science: trying to develop a condom that enhances pleasure.

The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is working to reduce inequalities in the world and to tackle key global health www.salient.org.nz

In 2013, an estimated 1.5 million people died from AIDS-related illnesses, with the vast majority of these living in low income countries. Sub-Saharan Africa bears the biggest burden, accounting for nearly 71% of the people living with HIV worldwide. These countries also suffer as a result of a stigma, as

The Gates Foundation recognised that it was time for a change. Latex condoms have been used for nearly 100 years now, and although many avoid their use due to the reduction of pleasure from sex, there hasn’t been a large commercial push for change.

The Grand Challenge pitched to scientists around the globe was to develop the next generation of condom, which significantly preserves or enhances pleasure, in order to improve uptake and regular use. To facilitate this US$100,000 has already been given to 11 different groups getting creative with science to help us get down...

Science

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So what’s being developed? Here Salient presents their

Top 5 new condom creations The Carbon Condom (aka The Sturdy Sheath)

The Wetsuit The University of Wollongong in Australia has been busy developing a condom using new materials called tough hydrogels. The team involves scientists with expertise in biomedical engineering, materials science and pharmaceuticals, and the condom they have been working on is not only more satisfying, but also comes with built-in lubrication. Hydrogels can be developed to look and feel more like real human tissue, and as an extra bonus, are also biodegradable.

To test their pleasure enhancement UOW has teamed up with Melbourne’s Swinburne University of Technology to conduct biometric tests which monitor brain activity to see if it really does feel better than latex.

Graphene is a relatively new material made from carbon atoms bonded together in a hexagonal honeycomb structure.

Scientists had expected graphene to facilitate advancements in smartphones and broadband, and now a team at the University of Manchester is working hard to create a tailored condom that enhances the natural sensations of sex. The benefit of graphene is that it is crazy strong; it’s 100-times-stronger than-steel strong. Utilising a graphene composite in condoms means that they can be made super thin, and yet still be extremely durable.

The Lady Poncho The problem with female condoms is that they require proper training to insert, can be clunky, noisy and are considerably more expensive than their male counterparts.

However, developers Mache Seibel and HealthRock in the US are working to counteract this by developing an airinfused female condom using a technology inspired by Nike Air patents. The Femex is a contraceptive product with an air-infused skin, which provides irresistible pleasure for both parties (as determined through proper testing of course). The condom will be made from polymer substrates incorporating tiny inflatable tubules which tightly grasp the male and stimulate the female G-spot. An extra drawcard for the Femex is that it can be inserted up to six hours in advance, a particular benefit in regions where women are less empowered and unlikely to press for protection.

Right-4-U The Rubber Tenderloin A team at the University of Oregon have come up with a condom to counter the ‘one size fits all’ package for your package.

This condom utilises advanced polymers to create a condom which, when activated by heat (and we know it gets hot), shrinks to fit the mould. The product could be developed to accommodate drugs that fight STDs, and could be made at half the thickness of the best current condoms.

And last, but certainly not least, a new condom is being developed utilising cow tendons. The makers of this condom worked with the simple argument: if you want to make sex feel as close to normal as possible with a condom, then you need to make a condom with a texture as close to human skin as possible. Mark McGlothin of Apex medical technologies in San Diego is the man behind this logic, and his condoms are being developed utilising collagen fibrils from cow tendons. McGlothin explains that both the feel and the heat transfer of the collagen material are similar to human skin, and that the best way for people to think of his new glove, is as a bio-safe, micro-thin cow leather, without the nasty chemicals. editor@salient.org.nz

Maori Matters

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is on the 5th of June. Where: Queens Wharf. What: Bubble Soccer. When: 5–6 pm. Price: $10. Be quick whānau, there are only 36 spots.

Ngai Tauira Notices: 1. This year our events officer has started up whānau days that enable tauira Māori to attend. Over the trimester we have had a successful amount of Tauira Māori attending these events.

These events are to help build relationships within our Māori community to help prospure whanaungatanga between our tuakana and teina. Throughout the trimester Ngai Tauira has organised and subsidised events such as paintball and Hurricane games at the TSB arena. Our last whānau event for this trimester

www.salient.org.nz

2. As you may or may not know, Te Hōhaieti o te Reo Māori was re-established in the middle of this trimester. This roopu is very importantant to the culture and identify of this university as it helps promotes our taonga, Te Reo Māori.

Every Wednesday night a group of tauira meet up for one hour and talk Te Reo Māori, it doesnt matter what level your Reo is at, you are all welcome. Don’t be shy to come and enbrace our language. Like them on Facebook to keep up to date. On 3 June at 4:30pm until 9pm, there is a screening at Te Herenga Waka of Dead Lands and White Lies. These screenings are to celebrate our language within the film in Aotearoa. Nau mai haere mai!

3. Once a month Ngai Tauira will be providing free lunch at the Marae. When: 2 June 12pm–1pm, Where: Te Heranga Waka Marae. Come along and bring your friends. The more the better whanau.

4. Every Thursday night from 5pm–6.30pm, there is Kapa Haka practice at Te Herenga Waka Marae. Anyone is welcome whānau, come and learn waiata and haka from all over the motu.

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Everything wrong with the Moan Zone in 400 words or less Hi, Tom here. I’m starting the first paragraph alone because Luke just left the room because we both think he just shat himself. There’s something dead living up there and it’s not his sense of humour; who knows where the fuck that is. Anyway, we thought that it was time we reflect on our performance to date—by giving ourselves a taste of our own medicine and walking a mile in Vic House’s shoes. (Do they even have shoes? Who knows.)

Moan Zone Truths: Our issue is due each Monday morning at 9am, so guess when we start it? That’s right—Sunday night, because as you have probably learned, your best work comes when you are sitting in your own filth, hunched over a laptop, trying to bullshit your way to the word count the night before it’s due.

Like many other great writers, we contribute to Salient each week for a generous compensation of $0.00, tax included. However, we do get maternity leave—Tom needs it often with the

amount of Salient groupies he porks. That right, you read porks.

The Moan Zone is written from a secret location, also known as our flat. Which means we can write it naked, but it also means we miss out on vital info, like the theme of the issue for the following week. Which has resulted in an insensitive Nazi joke being included in our column during the War issue. Which was not all reich.

By now you will be all too aware of our fondness of the beloved Vic House. The truth is though, neither of us has ever been inside its faded wooden walls. (Thank goodness.) But hey, who’s really counting?

We used to have cool, relevant graphics which matched our topic, now we just have “happy hands” and snap backs. We aren’t complaining though. Luke thinks he’s a painter, but it has been said that some of his work looks those awful paintings that were being sold on Vic deals last week, mainly to blind people. So we

couldn’t do any better.

Our first addition to Salient was in Oath week last year; we received the coveted letter of the week. However, we never claimed our free coffee (which we see, due to the rising inflation rate, is now two coffees and a $10 book voucher). So how about you guys write some decent letters for a change—there’s a reason why letters are at the back of Salient now.

We didn’t have any ideas this week, obviously, so stop ignoring us on Facebook already. Hit us up with anything, literally anything. Thank you for sticking with us, we need all the fans we can get—mainly because our flatmates don’t even read our column.

Right, that should do it.

Love Tom and Luke P.S. Luke didn’t shit himself, but he admits it was close.

We Drank This So You Didn’t Have To

Pink Passion Pop Cost: $8.99 Alcohol volume: 9.5% (5.6 standard drinks) Pairing: Vietnamese, nostalgia, solemn undertaking to never again start drinking at 4pm Verdict: “I’ve definitely had more disgusting drinks than this. But I’ve also had much better drinks than this.”

Lydia and Mitch The night started with such promise. Over bad roti and good Vietnamese at Capital Market (the food court with the confusingly inconsistent décor on Willis Street), we planned the night ahead. An emotional occasion for some, we were farewelling Lydia’s former flat in true style: a regrettable Friday night rager, finishing with someone breaking something and the party awkwardly ending.

It’s Actually Purple? Passion Pop is essentially the Paris Hilton of alcohol. We respect Paris Hilton because we have a deep, feminist respect for all women. In much the same way, we respect Passion Pop because we have a deep, boozy respect for all drinks. Adding to this is the fact that Passion Pop is just actually not that bad and you should definitely continue to drink it if that’s your thing.

After dropping by Wellington’s greatest liquor store, Dixon Discount Liquor, we headed to the party with a bottle of Scrumpy and what we thought would be the biggest mistake we would ever make: Pink Passion Pop. Carrying on in the trend of the previous week, this drink was again named after a colour and not a flavour. We are considering launching a campaign to rectify this wrong in the beverage industry, but are held back by the fear that honest advertising of the actual flavour would be both eye-opening and horrific. Nevertheless, we came up with some helpful suggestions for the flavour: Alcoholic Ribena, Currant Affairs, Passion Not, and Why is This Called Pink If

Having dealt with the actual business of this review, we would like to turn to marginallyrelevant waffling about calls to raise the purchase age of alcohol to 20. Remember $1 wines at Estab on Wednesdays? Yeah, Judith Collins ruined that. Remember being able to buy a bottle of wine after 11pm? Yeah, JuCo strikes again. Basically, we’re just fatigued by the the Government’s dumb attempts to appease the anti-drinking lobby (see: Wellington Inner-City Residents’ Association) by heaping blame on people who don’t deserve it. And while we’re at it, fuck you Bill English.

You’re not relevant to this but you’re just a bit of a dickhead. editor@salient.org.nz

VUWSA

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Welfare Vice President Madeleine Ashton-Martyn “Shoot for the moon; even if you miss you’ll land among the stars” Right now, I’m sitting in front of my screen, staring at this column, half a sentence in thinking ‘man I should have started this yesterday’. You can probably empathise with this a lot.

Technically this was due a couple of days ago though, so you’re hopefully at least doing better than me.

Yarn With Zwaan Rick Zwaan

Congratulations, you made it to the last week of the trimester!

With the rush of final assignments due and exams looming around the corner, it’s hard to believe that we’re almost halfway through the year. This trimester has flown by.

It seems like yesterday that O-Week gigs were happening and the first week of lectures were starting. Twelve weeks of class later and we’re almost there. Just think, in a few weeks’ time all your assignments will be in and your exams will be over. Then you get a week or so holiday before next trimester starts and before soon it’ll be summer and we can relax in the sun while we think about all that we’ve learnt.

But before we get there, we have to get through exams.

We know it’s a stressful time of year and with winter setting in, it’s hard to concentrate on study and stay warm. That’s why next week VUWSA is putting on Stress Free Study Week—with free breakfasts and lunches at Kelburn, Te Aro and Pipitea all week.

Free food and a warm library makes for ideal studying. But to make it even better and help relieve stress, we’ve also teamed up with SPCA and are bringing puppies back on campus. They’ll be at Kelburn on Monday 8th from 12–1 and Wednesday 10th from 1–2, and Pipitea gets them on Friday 12th from 1–2.

We know that a lot of Te Aro students probably haven’t slept much this trimester and are busy finishing off their projects so they get them first this week on Wednesday 3rd from 1–2.

For the last few years Stress Free Study Week has gone from strength to strength—last year we served over 11,000 meals over the weeks!

It’s thanks to a dedicated team largely led by our Welfare Vice President, Madeleine, and a bunch of staff and student volunteers who work hard to make your study week that little bit less stressful. Make sure you come along and make the most of it.

Good luck with your assignments, study, and exams! www.salient.org.nz

Every year coming into week 12, I end up stressing over what success is and what I want to do with my life. At this point (halfway through my fourth year at Vic), it’s difficult to point to any tangible things that have come out of my first 21 years.

I haven’t saved a species and I haven’t reformed the criminal justice system. I can’t even remember to take out the rubbish at my flat (three weeks and counting). However, this week I did accidentally buy two t-shirts that have an embroidered face on them that looks exactly like my face. This makes me feel like my life achievements so far stack up to $40k of student debt, a pile of trash, and two highly narcissistic t-shirts.

It’s really easy to tunnel vision yourself into seeing university and the grades you get as a really integral part of how your life is going to pan out and what career you’re going to end up with. Honestly, I haven’t even come to any great conclusions to the questions posed by my existential crisis. All I’ve got is that the answers are obviously different for everyone and that it doesn’t matter how many times you watch Breakfast Club, you’re not going to get that same weird sense of security about how harmonious chaos is that it gave you when you watched it in year 10.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that this week, and these next few, are going to be really difficult for the majority of our community.

University isn’t easy at the best of times, but now is when it starts getting really hectic. The thing to remember in the next few weeks is that no matter how it turns out, it doesn’t define you. Living in this bizarre, isolated section of the city where our performances are constantly being assessed in a letter grade system can give you a really warped view of who you are and about what life is actually like.

Try your best, dive in, and work as hard as you can. But also, chill out. It’s going to be okay. You’ve succeeded in making it this far, and you’ll have a myriad of successes in your future too. Also, it’s totally okay if you decide that what you’re doing right now isn’t what you want to be doing forever. Seriously, everyone thinks about changing their degree at least five hundred times over the course of their study.

Remember to utilize what VUWSA is putting on to help, we exist for you and we hope that you’ll embrace what we’ve organized to try make next week just a little smoother. Come see us at Te Aro, Pipitea, and Kelburn everyday next week for a free breakfast and lunch and have a chat to our exec and volunteers about your study.

We’re all students too, and we get you.

Best of luck for your exams, and enjoy the holiday that comes after. You deserve it.

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The Week in Feminism

Brittany Mackie

T

he idea for more free gender reassignment surgeries is currently being debated at Parliament after it was first proposed by Young Labour. They want to ensure that there is public funding for hormone replacement therapy and gender reassignment surgeries. There is currently enough funding for three surgeries every two years. The government has rejected the idea so far, saying that it isn’t an important issue for most New Zealanders. Health Minister Jonathan Coleman described the idea as “nutty” in his dismissal of the proposal, while Labour leader Andrew Little says he hasn’t given the idea much thought because he himself is happy with his gender.

There are currently 61 people on the public waiting list to undergo gender reassignment from male to female. Under

the current regime, it would take 40 years for all of them to be seen. However, getting the reassignment surgery has become even more difficult since New Zealand’s only gender reassignment surgeon, Peter Walker, retired last year.

Gender dysphoria has multiple effects, among which are anxiety, negative self-image, depression and the feeling of being trapped can lead to suicidal tendencies. Being born a gender that you don’t identify with leads to all sorts of difficulties and obstacles in life—both personal and social relationships can be affected. That the New Zealand government is poised to reject further discussions of public funding shows a lack of understanding and empathy.

T

housands of women have signed a petition to stop the taxing of sanitary products. Australia and New Zealand currently include tampons in the Goods and Services tax code but this could soon change as Australia’s Treasurer has announced he will lobby the Australian government for an exemption. This followed an Australian university student’s petition which gained over 100,000 supporters.

The petition argues that there shouldn’t be GST on essential health items. Some discussions of the tax exemption haven’t gone so well, with one MP comparing sanitary products to shaving cream and asking if he can start getting GST-free shaving cream. Other dialogues have been more positive and here in New Zealand the discussion will continue to be held over the next few months.

Young Labour President Katie Wilson has shown her support of the campaign and mentions that Auckland University’s Student Association has given away free pads and tampons in the past due to the overwhelming price.

This isn’t the first time that Australian women have united to petition against tampon tax—in 2000 a group called the Menstrual Avengers dressed up as superheroines and pelted cabinet ministers with pads and tampons. The 2000 attempt to exempt sanitary products from GST may not have gone through, but it did cause Australian MPs to say some crazy shit all following the lines that a tax exemption on

tampons would “cause the system to unravel”. Hopefully the lobby will get further this round and open up some much needed discussion. I’m hoping they can tell us why condoms are exempt from the Goods and Services tax but tampons and pads are still seen as a taxable treat for us ladies.

editor@salient.org.nz

Being Well

36

BEING WELL

It is essential that the New Zealand Blood Service (NZBS) test your blood group each time you donate and again at the hospital blood bank so that donor-recipient matching can occur. A mismatch can result in life-threatening immune reactions in the recipient.

People who have O negative blood are known as “universal donors” as their blood is suitable to be given to anyone in an emergency (regardless of their blood type).

People who have AB+ blood are known as “universal recipients” as they can receive any of the blood types without fear of a reaction.

What is the blood used for?

Donating Blood Cathy Stephenson

I love arriving at work, walking down the stairs of the Student Union Building, and seeing a wee queue of people waiting to donate blood. This selfless act takes only a few minutes, but can save up to three lives.

New Zealand needs 3000 donations each week to meet the needs of the health service—that’s over 150,000 a year. However, less than four per cent of eligible New Zealanders currently donate, often leaving a huge shortfall in supply. Your donation can make a huge difference, so put it on your “to do” list, and give something really tangible back to your community.

Blood • • • • •

Whole blood is made up of 4 parts: Red cells—contain haemoglobin and transport oxygen around the body.

White cells—prevent and fight infection.

Platelets—help the blood to clot.

Plasma—the liquid part of our blood; it provides volume and helps to suspend the other cells.

Red cells, plasma and platelets can be used on their own, or can be transfused as “whole blood”. White cells cannot be used due to their very short life span. Red blood cells last 35 days after donation, and platelets only five days.

Blood groups Proteins on the surface of our red cells differ between people, and the combination of these proteins give us our blood group. There are 2 classifications: 1.

2.

ABO—a person can be O, A, B or AB Rhesus system—a person can be rhesus positive or negative.

The commonest groups in NZ are O+ and A+. www.salient.org.nz

Few people need a transfusion of “whole blood”, and generally people only receive the portion of blood that they need. Hence several patients can benefit from one unit of blood—in fact, one donation of whole blood can save up to three lives!

It is used to treat a variety of conditions: • • • • • • •

Cancer patients Accident, burn and shock victims Surgical patients—a heart operation, for example, requires on average six pints of red blood cells and six pints of platelets.

Mothers and babies before and after birth.

To provide clotting factors for people with bleeding disorders, e.g. haemophiliacs.

Platelets are used to control haemorrhage, and are often used in patients with leukaemia.

Plasma can be used to obtain other immune system products, including immunoglobulins and anti-D.

Is the blood safe?

NZBS uses all the latest tests to screen for any transmissible infection. This includes hepatitis B, hepatitis C and HIV. Every donation of blood is tested. Each donor also has to complete a confidential questionnaire to assess any other risks.

Check you are eligible: • • • • • •

16 to 60 yrs old Over 50kgs In good physical health No recent viral/bacterial illness (including coughs and colds) No tattoo or body piercing within the last six months Not resident in the UK, France or Ireland between 1980-1996 for more than 6 months.

The whole visit is over in an hour, and the actual collection of blood takes less than ten minutes. Around 470 mls of blood is taken each visit (approximately a pint). Whole blood can be donated up to four times a year. Plasma and platelets can be donated more often. Your body will replenish the blood cells within a few weeks.

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38

salient

Music

English Graffiti The Vaccines Alice Reid The Vaccines were formed in West London in 2010, and have since released two studio albums, toured extensively and opened for acts like Red Hot Chilli Peppers, The Stone Roses, Arctic Monkeys and Muse, to name a few. They’ve just released their third LP English Graffiti, following their 2011 release What Did You Expect From The Vaccines? and its 2012 follow-up Come of Age. English Graffiti is certainly not my favourite album of theirs, but it’s a refreshing sound nonetheless and one that delivers the reinvention that was earlier promised with Come of Age. The Vaccines teamed up with producers Dave Fridmann (Flaming Lips, Tame Impala, MGMT) and Cole MGN (Ariel Pink, Beck, Nite Jewel) for English Graffiti, an album that the band says they want to sound “amazing next year and then terrible in ten years.”

Even when this album sounds like something by The Vaccines, it’s still different to anything you’ve heard before; it’s more kitschy, more colourful and certainly more exaggerated.

The album opens with “Handsome”, a track that very much sounds like the standard upbeat indie song by The Vaccines. The music video features the band being taught martial arts by an alien, which really kicks off the whole sci-fi vibe of the album.

“Dream Lover” is next up and is definitely one to check out—the music video gets a little bit deeper into the sci-fi thing too, just in case you weren’t entirely convinced that it was a theme. This song is one that sees them furthest from their work on past albums, though I have to admit, I’m not particularly sold on it.

“Minimal Affection” picks up a more electro pop sound. It’s followed by “20/20,” which is the first sense of urgency on the record, and a definite highlight. “(All Afternoon) In Love” is a floaty ballad and is easily the most somber point of the LP. “Radio Bikini” is also worth a mention. It’s a neo-punk grind about the post-WWII bombing of Bikini Atoll and one of the more infectious tracks on the record—it almost feels like a tamer version of The Dead Kennedys’ “Holiday in Cambodia.” “Maybe I Could Hold You” is probably one of the better tracks on the the album; it channels Arctic Monkeys’ AM in a similar way to “Dream Lover” but perhaps pulls it off slightly better.

All in all, English Graffiti is hard to fault. It’s a good record; it might lose some old fans, but it will certainly win some new ones too. www.salient.org.nz

Four Year Strong Four Year Strong Alice Reid Pop punk heroes Four Year Strong are all set to drop their new self-titled album via Pure Noise Records. Four Year Strong is the band’s fifth full-length release—their first since being signed to Pure Noise—and there’s currently a leaked version floating around the internet. Should I be reviewing said leaked version?

Probably not, but I’m going to anyway.

Four Year Strong returned to the scene last year, playing Vans Warped Tour after releasing a little teaser in the form of their Go Down In History EP. They’ve had huge success with their previous releases, my favourite (and arguably the best) being 2010’s Enemy Of The World. In 2011, Four Year Strong released In Some Way, Shape Or Form to mixed (read: bad) reviews before disappearing for some time. In the words of guitarist/vocalist Dan O’Connor, “some people felt [the album] was too big of a jump for our band.”

Four Year Strong didn’t have to achieve much in order for it to be better than the last release, and luckily for everyone, it does just enough. According to O’Connor the new album is “One of the most raw records we’ve ever made, it’s just us playing. No fancy computer shit. Made for singing along and head-banging.”

Four Year Strong released three songs prior to the release of the album, the first being “We All Float Down Here” in April. This track sees Alan Day reach the top of his vocal range from the very start: “Peel your skin back to show what you’re made of / Too bad you never did have the guts to know where your heart should go.” The title is an obvious reference to Stephen King’s It, and it’s cool to see the band’s penchant for pop culture references still going strong. This release was followed by “I’m A Big, Bright Shining Star” and “Eating My Words,” and all three are definite highlights. The album closes with “Go Down In History” which essentially sounds the same as it did when they released it with their EP of the same name last year, which makes it a little bit anticlimactic as a closing track.

Four Year Strong is a good album. It’s easily better than In Some Way, Shape Or Form but it’s still a letdown for fans of Rise Or Die Trying and Enemy Of The World. None of the tracks stand out like “Bada Bing! Wit’ A Pipe” or “It Must Really Suck To Be Four Year Strong Right Now”, but it’s a solid album nonetheless.

40

Books

salient

80 Years of Penguin Cassie Richards

Whether you regard them as an essential component of your library, or merely a trendy hipster staple, Penguin paperbacks—especially in their ubiquitous orange form—are an integral part of the reading experience.

This year marks 80 years since the very first Penguin paperbacks were published. Allen Lane, of the publishing company Bodley Head, founded Penguin Books as a subsidiary in 1935, driven by the ethos that good literature should be available cheaply and to all. While paperbacks had been around since the mid-nineteenth century, Penguin’s initial publication of ten titles, colour coded by genre, the perfect size for travel and costing only sixpence, were an enormous success with the reading public.

The following year, Penguin became a company in its own right, and the publishing industry was revolutionised. Not only did Lane and his team want to bring great literature to the masses, they weren’t afraid to challenge the status quo. Penguin was the first to openly publish the uncensored edition of Lady Chatterley’s Lover in 1960, and their subsequent prosecution and trial tested the new Obscene Publications Act 1959, which decreed that publishers could avoid a conviction for publishing obscene material if they could prove the work had literary merit. Penguin was also the publisher of Salman Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses, a controversial novel which led to a fatwa being issued by Ayatollah Khomeini, the Supreme Leader of Iran, on the author and anybody associated with the book.

Much has changed in the publishing world since 1935, and today Penguin Books is an imprint of the worldwide Penguin Random House. Despite their expansion, they remain dedicated to publishing good literature, at good prices; their central ethos hasn’t changed. The Popular Penguins range, released in 2008 by Penguin’s Australian branch, harks back to the early years of Penguin, and is an eponymous aspect of all bookshops and libraries. With the iconic cream and orange covers, the range now boasts 200 titles in both fiction and non-fiction and is a favourite with readers. To celebrate 80 years in the book business, Penguin has released 80 Little Black Classics— small, stylish volumes excerpted from the Penguin Classics range, around 60 pages each and costing a mere 80p (or $2.99 for us, which is still bloody good). However, the appeal is not just in the price—for those of us who struggle to find time to read for pleasure around thick slabs of course notes, and the essay production lines, the Little Black Classics are a literary blessing. They’re the perfect size for a study break, or to unwind with after a long day. They’re also a great way to discover different authors without committing to a large tome, and they’re so small you can carry a few with you at a time. www.salient.org.nz

The Little Black Classics range also raises the importance of celebrating literature and reading in general. In a time when our attention is demanded by the latest iPhone model, or the new Jurassic Park film, reading as entertainment has never had so much competition. Anything that serves to remind us of the power and permanence of literature should be emphasised, and the Little Black Classics are positively crying out “Hey! You do have time to read!”

Plus, you just can’t beat the satisfaction of reading a book, however small.

Katherine Mansfield—Miss Brill The only New Zealand entry to the Little Black Classics, the three short stories in this volume prove once again that Miss Mansfield is worth her weight in words, and is one of our finest literary exports.

Miss Brill itself is both picturesque and haunting, a true example of Mansfield’s brilliance. This is the perfect place to start if you haven’t read Mansfield before—aficionados will want to add this to their collection.

Charles Dickens—The Great Winglebury Duel Dickens is not only regarded as the greatest novelist of the Victorian era, but is also a masterful purveyor of comedy (not to mention tragedy). Acquaint yourself with him with this two-tale volume, or if you’re already converted, quench your thirst for Dickens in between classes.

Hafez—The Nightingales Are Drunk It doesn’t get much more romantic than a fourteenth-century Persian poet. Try this: “Life’s garden flourishes when your / Bright countenance is here. / Come back! Without your face’s bloom / The spring has left the year.” That’s sure to impress that guy or gal in your tutorial that you’ve been incessantly Facebook stalking. Knowing a bit of obscure poetry also boosts your literary cred.

Mary Kingsley—A Hippo Banquet Mary Kingsley was a trailblazing Victorian woman, travelling throughout West Africa without a husband to accompany her (gasp) and writing about the people and cultures she encountered. Intelligent and outspoken, she openly criticised Christian missionaries for attempting to convert the African people and corrupt their religion.

In this volume you can read about some of her exciting encounters with wild animals. A must for lovers of natural history.

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41

Games

Destiny: House of Wolves Developer: Bungie Platforms: PS3, PS4, Xbox 360, Xbox One

Jack Young House of Wolves, the new downloadable content for Bungie’s Destiny, dropped last week. Like the main title, it is both great and sometimes disappointing.

Destiny is polarising. People seem to love it or hate it.

Destiny is paradoxical. In some ways it’s one of the best games I’ve ever played; in others it’s undeniably, well, shit.

Let’s talk about what goes right for the game: Bungie is the developer that brought you the original Halo trilogy, Halo: Reach and Halo: ODST. Halo games are, for the most part, mechanically flawless. So is Destiny.

Running, driving, jumping, jetpacking, sliding, racking up headshots, and meleeing close enemies all feel superb here. The title is also pretty as hell. Some environments look sterile and uninspired, but it’s hard to argue that the plains of old Russia and your caped space marine don’t look baller as fuck.

Now I’m given the daunting task of summarising what Destiny does wrong. Got a minute, or ten? Much of Destiny’s world feels lifeless, un-lived-in and bland. Many of the game’s non-playable characters are voiced by big name actors (Peter Dinklage and Bill Nighy, for example) who without exception perform as if they’re really bored.

And who wouldn’t be? Destiny aims at being a generationspanning space opera, but the whole story revolves around fetch quests with little elaborative dialogue (and when there is speech I don’t usually understand what the space nerds mean). Destiny’s gameplay hook is that you repeat very little content over and over in a long grind to become stronger. I am partial to doing meaningless tasks for meaningless progression. Most people are not, and (quite rightly) feel let down as a result.

Bungie had an excellent opportunity to remedy Destiny’s bevy of issues through downloadable content.

The first piece of DLC was called The Dark Below. On this attempt Bungie completely missed the mark. The

expansion included three or four new story missions, two new strikes, and a raid. In MMORPG (FPS) speak, that means loads of new opportunities to kill stuff. The issue was that the stuff you were killing was the same as in the main title, and where you were killing it was, with a few exceptions, also the same. The expansion also required players to fully re-level already maxed-out gear to reach the new level cap. At the end of the day The Dark Below got everything that Destiny excels at right, and everything that it fails at wrong.

So finally we’ve come to last week’s House of Wolves. Last week The Witcher 3 was also released, plus I have essays.

The balancing act has been exhausting, but worthwhile.

House of Wolves is far superior to the The Dark Below.

As expected, new story missions and strikes were made available. A shiny raid was left out in favour of wavebased arena combat, reminiscent of Gears of War’s horde mode. This fresh idea is just enough to mix up what has previously made Destiny’s repetitive combat stale. Fighting oncoming swarms with friends is a tried and true formula, which seems almost original after hundreds of hours of fetch quests. A new one-life-per-round multiplayer mode was dropped too. The tactics and skills employed in this more careful game are in stark contrast to the run and gun combat seen in normal team deathmatch. Bungie also used House of Wolves to fix equipment progression (so you don’t have to do everything over). The uninspired narrative and characters have still not been addressed, but hey, let’s be fair, at this point they’re not what you keep coming back for.

Destiny is a mechanically sound grind-fest with innumerable problems. It’s a flawed gem. If you did not like the game to begin with, you probably never will.

Having said that, the second expansion House of Wolves is the first step in the right direction that Bungie has made thus far.

editor@salient.org.nz

42

Film

salient

Boychoir Directed by Francois Girard

Jess Knipping A choir is about separate vocal elements coming together in harmony.

They all have their own beauty, grace, and power, but together they can create sublime musical awe. A film is about separate sound and visual elements coming together in harmony. They can all have their own beauty, grace & power; however, if these separate elements don’t quite have that beauty, grace, and power then rather than sublime filmic awe it creates a rather lacklustre affair. This film has the elements to create a really nice, small, and uplifting drama about a boy who finds himself within the embrace of a boy choir. It has the storyline, it has the actors, and it has the right target audience in mind. But do these elements create any real harmony?

The story focuses on our protagonist Stet (Garrett Wareing), a young preteen delinquent who plays up in class, loiters around town, and has a mother who, in between losing jobs, lives on the couch drinking her sorrows away (though she does seem to really love her son). Luckily Stet’s principal finds out he can sing and invites the American Boychoir to come perform and audition Stet. Following some tragic events and re-appearing of family members, Stet heads to the American Boychoir boarding school, and is made to sing in front of a charming Kathy Bates, a half there Dustin Hoffman, the-dudewho-wants-to-take-Hoffman’s-job (Eddie Izzard), and the kindly tutor and Glee alum Kevin McHale.

The rest of the film goes as expected with the boys fighting for solo spots and the teachers fighting for artistic dominance. Stet quickly www.salient.org.nz

makes his way up the soprano ladder while facing various trials along his journey. He becomes the chosen one if you will (kind of like Anakin)—the boy who is too old to be taught, eldest leader has little faith but the young teacher sees the true power in his soul. That kind of thing. This all sounds really enjoyable, and in many ways it was really enjoyable, but the separate elements create no filmic harmony.

The story trudges along underneath the never ending musical score, and the actors have little room to move and breathe within the story. It is a stellar cast and I am sure they did their best but nothing comes together. The film feels convoluted and heavy handed under the pressure of well-meaning clichés and dramatic glares between the younger cast. There are many scenes with a great assortment of comedic banter if the director (François Girard) gave free reign of pace to the actors. The potential this cast had together is almost unfortunate. In saying this, the talent of these young kids is a joy to watch. There is a section where Stet and Devon are competing for the final solo which includes a high D. The sound is beautiful and the control and natural talent it takes to reach it is worthy of praise.

This film struggles to find the harmony of filmmaking but the one harmony that never falters comes from the choir itself. This musical talent comes from such a rare gift and for such a rare time in the singer’s life. As the film closes so does Stet’s moment of preteen life.

His voice becomes lost in the name of growing up but as his boyhood comes to a close, the door is pulled wide open in acceptance with his peers, his teachers, his father, and most importantly with himself.

issue 13

Film

43

Mad Max: Fury Road Directed by George Miller

James Keane At long last, a new movie from across the Tasman, as it seems so long since Strictly Ballroom came out. This new Mad Max film doesn’t star Mel Gibson, but is still helmed by director George Miller. Despite my initial fears, Miller manages to deliver a high-speed, adrenaline filled film that is also relentless and deafening, but of the good kind.

The film also doesn’t really disregard the canon of the others made between 1979 and 1985, so it would be logical to assume that this is less a reboot of the series and more a retelling of one of protagonist Max’s many experiences. Even this detail isn’t necessary, as the original three to begin with seemed to exist as continual updates and retellings of the previous films, and were not building towards an endgame.

The synopsis is not overly convoluted: Max (Tom Hardy), a former police officer in the future collapsed civilisation of Australia, is captured and incarcerated by followers who belong to the Citadel, led by a despotic, repulsive, corpulent and masked ruler known as Immortan Joe (Hugh Keays-Byrne). Joe also maintains control over a large water supply that is used to bait the impoverished population who seek refuge from the nuclear fallout across the rest of the country.

When Joe’s concubines are freed by (previously) loyal Imperator Furiosa (Charlize Theron), he sends his whole armada of vehicles after her, which involves Max in the overall chase as he works to not only free himself, but help Furiosa and the young women find the sanctuary said to lie beyond the vast deserts of the post-apocalyptic world they live in.

The film’s essential structure is of one very long chase, which is not as tiresome as one would think. The breaks between when PostApocalyptic Bandit Group B joins the fray and when the main rig needs refuelling provide moments of “relaxation” for the audience.

The film is filled with zany details not unlike circus acts, including stuntmen swinging from aerials and wielding explosive javelins, as well as double-necked electric guitars (that also shoot fire), the latter of which resembles a cross between Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin, any member of KISS, and a pyromaniac’s musical fantasy. There is no shortage of zoom shots, flares and skull imagery on the vehicles and their occupants, which are just some of the many colourful features that Miller uses to eject us from what could have quickly become a dour and tedious affair.

Even so, while the action scenes are impeccably shot and wellchoreographed, several of the subsequent chase scenes that follow the first big one fall a little flat in comparison. This may however be a backhanded compliment, as well as a testament to the fact that the first big chase scene, which adds a computer-generated but magnificent sandstorm to the mix, does such a good job of maintaining audience interest that it would be impossible to top for the sake of risking sensory overload upon any receptive human audience.

It is also likely that my view on Mad Max: Fury Road stems from an assumption that it is a “guy’s” movie. The fact that the main female characters, Furiosa not included, are essentially used as breeding vessels for the main villain, a la Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale, could definitely be unsettling for other viewers.

The acting is fine as well; as Furiosa, Charlize Theron is ice-cold but compassionate, whereas the supporting characters are delightfully over-the-top in their performances. Tom Hardy is similarly stoic in his performance, however it became a little bit familiar when he spends a period of 20 or so minutes of the running time with a mask over his face. editor@salient.org.nz

44

The best chocolate mousse you’ve ever made Hannah Douglass

The cool thing about this recipe (apart from how good it tastes) is that you can flavour it by your choice in chocolate. Most recently I used the Whittaker’s Dark Almond chocolate block and it was soooo good, but really most chocolates would work.

I made this for my boyfriend one night because chocolate mousse is his all-time favourite dessert and he’s picky about what is and isn’t a good chocolate mousse, but the verdict was positive—the best he’d ever eaten.

You’ll need: 250g chocolate of your choice 2 egg yolks 4 egg whites ⅓ cup milk 3 tbsp white sugar Pinch of salt 1 cup cream

www.salient.org.nz

Food

How to: 1.

Melt the chocolate. You can do this either in a doubleboiler (aka a glass bowl on top of a pot of simmering water on the stove) or in the microwave. If you’re using the microwave, zap it 30 seconds at a time, stir it, and go again. This makes sure it melts evenly and doesn’t burn any of it. Set it aside to cool slightly.

2. Mix the milk and sugar together and bring to the boil in a small saucepan.

3. Lightly beat the egg yolks with a fork, then very slowly add the hot milk to the eggs, whisking the whole time.

This is called tempering the eggs, and you have to add the milk slowly or you will end up with scrambled eggs—not so delicious as a mousse base.

4. Add this mixture to the chocolate (or the other way around, whatever) and combine well.

5. Whisk your egg whites over a double-boiler until hot to the touch. Add the salt, remove from heat and continue to whisk until you have stiff peaks forming.

6. Whip the cream until stiff peaks form.

7. Add ⅓ of the egg whites to the chocolate/egg mixture, gently fold in, and then add the remaining. Be sure to mix in gently because you want to keep as much of the aeration that you spent all that time beating into the egg whites.

8. Do the same thing with the cream. Add to the mixture and very gently fold in, then add in the other ⅔ and fold in gently.

9. Pour into serving bowls and put into the fridge for at least an hour to set.

10. Yum.

salient

Visual Arts

issue 13

45

Up And Adam Kari Schmidt

On the Adam Art Gallery website, Tim Beaglehole (academic and former Chancellor of Victoria University) talks about art as a way of seeing the world. I’ve long thought about art in this way—as a means of accessing different viewpoints and realities. There’s always something new to discover and entering into that hallowed space always feels like a relief from the fast-paced and (let’s be honest) sometimes humdrum nature of everyday life. This is especially true of contemporary art, which is hugely diverse. As Stephen Cleland (newly appointed curator at the Adam) states, “what is particularly exciting about contemporary art is that it encompasses an increasingly broad scope of materials. One can be working in video, performance, painting or photography or various other media and still be working within this framework of ideas and discussion around culture.”

Given this, we’re really lucky at Vic to have the Adam—a gallery that has been purpose-built for the University and which delivers an impressive array of contemporary work, in a really stunning space.

However, although students may be aware of its existence, I’m not sure they’re as fully conscious as they could be of what it has to offer.

For instance, the Adam has “a large public program built around the exhibitions which have free events, people conversing about art, openings and drinks.” In this vein, one of Stephen’s aims is to better connect with the staff and student body, as well as the wider public.

While the Adam “is in a position where we want to acknowledge depth, because that’s something we value within our field, we are also in a role where we’re trying to open up contemporary art… people should feel like they’re welcomed when they come to the Adam, that there’ll be information on hand and it won’t be patronising or pretentious.”

The Adam manages the Victoria University art collection, which is exhibited primarily around campus and sometimes in the gallery.

However, exhibitions at the Adam primarily focus on contemporary and temporary work, often with an inter-disciplinary focus. For example the latest show, entitled Drawing Is/Not Building, “involves architects working with an idea of drawing.” This is part of Stephen’s vision for the future of the Adam—that the exhibition program will

increasingly “draw in existing knowledge on campus into discussions around the shows with the hope that it opens up our contemporary art program to the larger audience that we occupy.” The temporary nature of the work exhibited—in that much of it is not owned by the Adam—is also a part of this dynamic. As Stephen states, “the freedom of a contemporary art gallery like the Adam… is you can work directly with artists to deliver a more responsive program. You can operate in quite a fleet-footed manner and deliver projects that are more exciting than slower moving, larger organisations.” And I think you do really get a sense of this from frequenting the Adam— the shows feel spontaneous, surprising and always unique.

Students are also able to get involved—the Adam relies heavily on volunteers to babysit the gallery and help with events. A blog associated with the Adam is also going to be starting soon, giving students the opportunity to write about shows and events. Stephen’s advice for those aspiring to work in the art world is to “get involved in whatever capacity you can… I ran [Window, a contemporary art space at Auckland University] for pretty much no income for a number of years but I was always amazed by the generosity of the community to respond to invitations and take up projects. And then each one of those projects carried a lot of questions. One of the most challenging things for young curators in particular is developing a range of discussion points, for instance being able to be as conversant with a young painter as you are with a new photographer or performance artist, because each one of those practices involves not only a shift in media but an entirely different worldview of concerns so that’s one of the bigger challenges I think. But it’s an exciting one.”

The current show DrawingIs/Not Building and Living Cities 2011 until the 28 June. After that, the Adam will hopefully be showing some McCahons, contemporary photography by Andrew Beck and an installation by David Claerbout, where the floor of the space will be transformed into a mirror. Next time you feel like a bit of down time from studying, I highly recommend checking out the exhibitions or coming to one of the events. This is our gallery after all, and it’s so easy—and so good!

editor@salient.org.nz

46

Notices

salient

Letters Letter of the Week:

Victoria Abroad– Student Exchange Fair! Deadline for Trimester 1, 2016 exchanges is JULY 16th!

Content: Why not study overseas as part of your degree?!

Study in English, Earn Vic credit, Get Studylink & grants, explore the world!

Deadline: July 16th!

Come to a Financing your Exchange Workshop: June 23 Website: http://victoria.ac.nz/exchange Visit us: Level 2, Easterfield Building Drop-in hours: Mon-Wed 1-3pm, Thurs & Fri 10-12pm

Keystone Trust property and construction scholarship applications for 2016 open now Are you currently studying a property or constructionrelated degree at uni? Want up to $5000 towards your studies and heaps of industry connections? Sweet, read on!

Scholarships through the Keystone Trust offer up to $5000 for your studies plus heaps more: mentoring, networking, work placements, buddy programmes and job opportunities are all part of the mix.

13 scholarships are on offer with applications open across June and closing in August. Head to the Keystone website to find out more info: www.keystonetrust.org.nz Go on, you’ve got nothing to lose.

21 JUNE INTERNATIONAL DAY OF YOGA. The 21st of June has been declared International Day of Yoga by the United Nations.

To support to High Commission of India in Wellington in celebrating this event, free classes will be offered on the day (Sunday) in our Sri Mahaprabhu Deep Ashram of Yoga in Daily Life, 23 Jessie Street, Te Aro. For more information see: http://www.yogaindailylife.org.nz/ locations/wellington, or ring 04-801 7012.

A presentation from various yoga schools will also be offered from 9 am at Bharat Bhavan, 48 Kemp Street, Kilbirnie.

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SALIENT, the other day i dreamed i was a wizard who ate salient WHOLE! but when i woke up i became an elephant, an elephant who treads the earth writing articles like “SEVENTEEN WAYS THAT GAME OF THRONES IS SORT OF LIKE THE TALKING HEADS” because i enjoy combining modern things like game of thrones and lists with things from another era like the talking heads. the song i like best from the talking heads is TAKE ME TO THE RIVER because as an elephant i enjoy rivers. i enjoy dragging my legs through the water, it is a special sort of embrace, the cool water providing an all encompassing sort of understanding of every crack in the age of my skin. tomorrow i will sit and contemplate things like lists and the infiniteness of every tiny moment in our lives, the way that no matter how small a timeframe is, it still contains more facts than could exist in the brain of the oldest elephant in the world as he sits in the river, thinking about this. i hope you are doing well, an elephant

Letter of the Week receives two coffee vouchers and a $10 book voucher from Vic Books

That’s extremely facile, but whatever Dear Salient, I am a mere first year student who still has no shame when it comes to picking up a copy of Salient and openly reading it in the hub. In fact, it is a Mondayroutine now.

Perhaps by third year I’ll acquire a more pretentious outlook, but for now I am happy to read.

I found it interesting that Robbie Coutts had to state in his article, “And I don’t intend to be racist, not at all.”

My thought process is, if you have to disclaim you are not intending to be racist what you said is probably borderline racist and needs rephrasing. That statement just tells me oh the writer is going to be racist but I have to be okay with it because it’s not their intention.

What Coutts has done is write what HIS perception is of an African American stereotype and in turn been inherently racist. Despite the little disclaimer, I still find Coutts summary somewhat racist.

Sincerely, “I don’t mean to offend you with this criticism…but”

issue 13

47

Best. Feeling. Ever.

Hey Salient, I just finished my last tutorial ever. After four years, my time at Vic is finally coming to an end. And it is comforting to think that never again will I sit in a lecture room, and listen to someone loudly whisper INCEPTION whenever a lecturer says something is like “an x within an x”.

Inception was not deep, guys. You’re not clever. Shut up.

Sincerely, Interstellar was pretty shit too

Knock knock Jokes Joke for fun Joke all the time Joke for fun Jokes…theyre no crime

Haha! Because you can burn it! Lol! Dear Salient In a cold dark world, only Salient illuminates the truth and warms the soul. You make for great kindling Salient, will be burning you all winter long.

Regards Lover of robust and combustible content

Salient letters policy Salient welcomes, encourages, and thrives on public debate—be it serious or otherwise—through its letters page. Letters must be received before 4pm on Thursday for publication the following week. Letters must be no longer than 250 words. Pseudonyms are fine, but all letters must include your real name, address and telephone number— these will not be printed. Letters will not be corrected for spelling or grammar. The Editor reserves the right to edit, abridge, ordecline any letters without explanation.

Email: editor@salient.org.nz Post: Salient, c/- Victoria University of Wellington Hand-delivered: Salient office, Level 3, Student Union Building (behind the Hunter Lounge) editor@salient.org.nz

IS OUR MAGAZINE THE SHIT, OR IS IT JUST, Y’KNOW...

SHIT? Over the break Salient will be conducting its mid-year readership survey.

This is your chance to have a say about how the magazine’s going, and what you’d like to see more (and less) of next trimester.

Yes, there will be a question about puzzles.

Visit salient.org.nz/readership-survey to take part in the survey. Everyone who takes part has a chance at winning a $100 Hunter Lounge voucher.