Issue Five - Love/Lust

APRIL 2 ND 2012

ISSUE. 05

I LOVE YOU

THE TEAM Editors: Asher Emanuel & Ollie Neas editor@salient.org.nz Designer: Racheal Reeves designer@salient.org.nz News Editor: Stella Blake-Kelly news@salient.org.nz Arts Editor: Adam Goodall arts@salient.org.nz Film Editor: Gerald Lee Books Editor: Kurt Barber Visual Arts Editor: Rob Kelly Theatre Editor: Neal Barber Chief Feature Writer: Elle Hunt Junior Feature Writer: Fairooz Samy Chief Reporter: Nicola Wood Chief Sub-Editor: Carlo Salizzo CONTRIBUTORS Hayley Adams, Hilar y Beattie, Shilpa Bhim, Ricahrd D’Ath, Uther Dean, Martin Doyle, Andrew Donnelly, Harr y Evans, Harriet Farquhar, Reed Fleming, Joe Gallagher, Mar vin Gaye, Renee Gerlich, Ryan Hammond, Aaron Harland, Roxy Heart, Christian Hermansen, Jonathan Hobman, Amy Hodgkinson, Bridie Hood, Amelia Jeffares, Michael Kumove, Prudence Lovelock, Hamish McConnochie, Ror y McCourt, Callum McDougal, Chris McIntyre, Hugo McKinnon, Duncan McLachlan, Rebecca Miller, Phoebe Morris, Udayan Mukherjee, Wei-wei Ng, Livvy Nonoa, Sam Northcott, Nick Petricevic, Thomas Phillips, Jessica Rapana, Will Robertson, Chris Salter, Will Shenton, Bas Suckling, Jack Sutherland, Wilbur Townsend, Lewis van den Berg-Shaw, Zach WallaceBell, Michael Warren, Erika Webb.

CONTRIBUTOR OF THE WEEK: Duncan “MackDaddy” McLachlan, revision King.

C O N TA C T Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University PO Box 600, Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766 Email: editor@salient.org.nz

"CATASTROPHIC

erectile DYSFUNCTION IS

nothing TO BE

ADVERTISING Contact: Mark Maguire Phone: 04 463 6982 Email: sales@vuwsa.org.nz ABOUT US Salient is produced by independent student journalists, employed by, but editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association (VUWSA). Salient is a member of, syndicated and supported by the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA).

Salient is funded by Victoria University of Wellington students, through the student services levy. It is printed by Printcorp of Tauranga. Opinions expressed are not necessarily representative of those of ASPA, VUWSA, Printcorp, Durex, or our lovers past, but we at Salient are proud of our beliefs and take full responsibility for them.

OTHER Subscriptions: Too lazy to walk to uni to pick up a copy of your favourite mag? We can post them out to you for a nominal fee. $40 for Vic student, $55 for everyone else. Please send an email containing your contact details with ‘subscription’ in the subject line to editor@salient.org.nz

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ashamed OF AFTER

DRINKING" I STARTED SOMETHING I COULDN'T FINISH, PG 23

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CONTENTS NEWS

3.

4.

5.

8.

8.

10.

11.

11.

Editorial

Top 10 News News on the March LOL News Eye on Exec Overheard At Vic The Week That Wasn't

EDITORIAL♥VE ☞

ASHER & OLLIE

This week we resolved to find love, after being struck by a bought of chronic loneliness. Having written dating profiles on behalf of one other, we submit them for your consideration.

----------------------------STATUS--------------------------Seeking: Someone that will understand my deep feelings and love me forever and ever.

For: Friendship, hand-holding, foot rubs, and perhaps intercourse.

About Me: I may have brittle bones, but my heart is like that of a racehorse. It beats abnormally fast and gets tired after a few laps. When I get too old you can shoot me. Lots of love to go around.

THE COLUMNS

12.

13.

14.

15.

15.

40.

41.

42.

42.

Partisan Hacks Political Porn with Hamish Mulled Whine With H.G. Beattie Science—What's It Up To? C.R.E.A.M Things You Already Know But Just Need To Be Told Roxy Heart & Prudence Lovelock Nothin' but Net Food

THE LOVE / LUST ISSUE

16.

19.

20.

22.

23.

24.

26.

28.

30.

On the Pill Kama Sutra Actual Love after Love

Actually Leaving the Closet I Started Something I Couldn't Finish Smut Love in the Time of Quantum Physics Polygamy, Polyga-you Nude Years

----------------------------ABOUT---------------------------

------------------PROFILE----------------Name: Oliver Thomas Harris Neas, but I’ll accept Lollie.

Age: 14 Sex: Allegedly male.

Sexuality: Oscillating, or vacillating. I can’t tell anymore.

Last known location: Freezing works, Gore.

Star Sign: Caprica-horny, but my Mum thinks I’m more of a Libra.

----------------------------STATUS--------------------------Seeking: 1-3 persons.

For: Self-assurance, agreeable PR, hygiene maintenance.

----------------------------ABOUT---------------------------

THE ARTS

32.

33.

34.

35.

36.

Film Music Theatre Visual Arts Books

REPRESENTATION & SERVICES

37.

38.

38.

39.

39.

Presidential Address VUWSA Welfare Officer Student Health Ngai Tauira Bent

SALIENT LOVES YOU

4.

43.

44.

46.

47.

Dinocop Notices Letters Puzzles Radio & Gig Guide

This issue is dedicated to the unloved.

Marital Status: Separated, though I may have imagined it all.

Children: After my experience raising seamonkeys, I don’t think it’s a good idea.

Ethnicity: Pakeha, but Gran thinks I might be Jewish.

Highest Qualification: Someone once said that I was “okay.”

Height: 5’ 11” Weight: 103kg and growing fast. I eat my crusts.

Hair: Poo brown.

Colour eyes: You’ll never know, as I don’t tolerate eye contact.

Smoking: Only if it’s lavender or rose-wood incense, and you massage me while you smoke it.

Drinking: My favourite beverage is wine spritzer.

Hobbies: Embroidery, guns & knives, leather & tattoos, female-bodybuilding. Sometimes I like to go to the park.

What I’m looking for: the big spoon. And someone who will remember to feed the remaining sea-monkeys. Acceptable occupations include lion-tamer (innuendo).

------------------PROFILE----------------Name: Asher Emanuel.

Age: 36.

Sex: If we must.

Sexuality: Indeterminable.

Last known location: A bathtub.

Star Sign: Saggi-serious.

About Me: Hello. I bathe routinely to oil my appendages and soothe my festering infections. Since my doctor assured me that these are no longer contagious, I have found myself in an ideal situation to connect with another living being(s). I am most certainly what you are looking for.

Marital Status: Spring or autumn? I’ve always imagined we would have an outdoor wedding. But don’t worry, there’ll be plenty of time to think about that when we move in with your parents.

Children: I need eight heirs.

Ethnicity: Ethnicity is a colonialist myth. Next question.

Highest Qualification: I have slept with more women than I have had the pleasure of meeting.

Height: 5’ 6” - 6’ 0” (dependent upon cigarette consumption).

Weight: 50-96 kg (dependent upon cigarette consumption).

Colour hair: Ice blonde.

Colour eyes: Smokey blue.

Smoking: Not when I’m sleeping.

Drinking: Only wine. And only by the cask. I hope the baby likes wine.

Hobbies: Collecting outdated illustrated German erotica (for activity ideas for our honeymoon); mini-golf.

What I’m looking for: Love is a lie, so I seek a long-term relationship based only around infrequent sexual liaisons and ceaseless emotional servitude. You must massage me (this is not innuendo). And bathe me (nor is this innuendo). You must like baths. Seriously, I hope you understand. This is very important. There are a number of conditions. Firstly, I demand you report to me every hour of the day via twitter, modem, sms, post or fax. You can choose the medium, but I will choose the frequency. Secondly, I demand that you do not laugh in my presence, and smile only when bathing me. I believe that a successful relationship is all about the details.

WAYS TO

FIND LOVE ☞ CARLO SALIZZO

TEN BATHROOM GRAFFITI

NINE COLD CALLING

EIGHT TALKBACK RADIO

SEVEN IN A HOPLESS PLACE

SIX SALIENT LETTERS SECTION

FIVE INDECENT EXPOSURE

FOUR IMPROMPTU SLAM POETRY

THREE 'ICEBREAKERS' GAMES

TWO YOUTUBE COMMENTING

ONE WAITING

⊗ NEWS ⊗

UNIVERSITY ACCUSED OF FRAUD INVESTIGATOR INVESTIGATES, INVESTIGATIONS REVEAL NO FRAUD. YET. ☞ STELLA BLAKE-KELLY Serious allegations of “accounting fraud” for the purposes of distorting leaguetable results and government research grant appropriations recently drove the University to employ an external investigator.

Following a complaint made by Associate Professor Martin Lally, from Victoria’s School of Economics and Finance, to the University Council, an investigation was launched. Bruce Corkill QC was contracted by Chancellor Ian McKinnon to independently examine Lally’s allegations.

Such included claims that the University was artificially hiding staff in order to improve their research rating in the PBRF result, which he considered to be a form of “accounting fraud.”

“The effect of these types of games is to push the university up the league table,” Lally told The Dominion Post.

“I’m alleging that people are being induced to regard the university as a higher quality institution than it is.”

However Corkill’s four-and-a-half month long investigation found there was no evidence to support the allegations.

In the executive summary of the investigation he concluded that “the underlying thrust of the allegations of bad faith or cover up on the part of senior members of the University was unfounded” and that “there was no evidence of accounting fraud, fraud or bribery.”

It also said the criteria for PBRF eligibility

was being appropriately implemented and “the arrangements did not infringe the letter or spirit of the PBRF Guidelines.”

Due to containing individuals’ contract details, the full report has not been made public. Lally has since laid a complaint with the Ombudsman about this decision.

In emails obtained by Salient he indicated he was not satisfied with the findings, claiming that not all his allegations were investigated.

Tertiary Education Union national president, Sandra Grey, says allegations of this nature fit with similar stories the TEU has heard from staff working at universities around the country.

They claimed to know of instances of staff being persuaded to resign on the understanding of being rehired, or being placed on fixed term contracts in order to limit staff numbers during a calendar period.

“There cases represent an outrageous breach of people’s employment rights, but also make a farce of the PBRF as a funding mechanism,” Grey said.

Labour Tertiary Education Spokesperson Grant Robertson recommended the upcoming review of the PBRF needed to have a wide scope to ensure it was “meeting its goals of promoting and rewarding high quality research.”

“While Victoria University has said it could not find particular evidence of wrong doing here, allegations regarding the potential gaming of the PBRF system at other universities are rife. That’s a 5

concern and one that should raise alarm bells.”

McKinnon didn’t think such calls for a review were out of order.

“I think there’s probably a lot of merit in having a review. But I wouldn’t like to see a diminishment on the importance of research-based teaching, because that’s the distinguishing feature of a university,” McKinnon said.

Documents and communications surrounding the investigation were given to prominent New Zealand blogger, David Farrar who proceeded to publishing them online.

PERFORMANCE BASED RESEARCH FUND Introduced by the last Labour Government, as a response to the previous 'bums on seats' approach to tertiary education funding, it's intended to incentivise universities to focus on research. Based on certain indicators, universities are ranked and given a corresponding level of tax-payer backed grants. Since its introduction, there have been two 'rounds' of funding. The first in 2006 saw Victoria ranked 3rd, but 2009 saw them drop to 4th.

This year will not only see the next 'round' of funding, but also a review of the current PBRF system. Universities have been known to 'work the system', as they respond to incentives within the rules. But allegations such as these have raised questions as to whether the incentives are in the right place.

⊗ NEWS ⊗

VIRTUAL HALLS DESPITE NAME, NOT ONLINE

☞

JESSICA RAPANA

2012 has seen the launch of what may be the future of student accommodation—'Virtual Halls'. Inspired by similar initiatives overseas, the new pilot programme has been adopted throughout New Zealand Universities, including Victoria.

The programme is available to first-year students who are not living in Halls of Residence. The aim is to create a community amongst students, which will offer sporting and academic activities in a similar way to Halls of Residence.

The idea originated from student feedback, which in past years suggested that students who were not in halls had not had as good a first year experience as those in them, as it was harder for them to meet people and make friends.

“Student engagement and student success is very important to the University,” Manager of Student Recruitment Susan Harper said.

“We felt offering opportunities for non-halls first-year students to become actively engaged would contribute to their enjoyment of the Victoria experience, as well as increase the chance of success in their studies.”

The official launch took place last Thursday in the Hunter Lounge, which involved both karaoke and movie-oke. About 250 students have signed up so far. More information on the programme can be found at facebook.com/vicvirtualhall.

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Valued at $195, this is a goddamn good deal.

To be in to win, all you've got to do is dream up the best alternate ending to a famous film that you can.

Then, in 150 words or less, send your idea through to EDITOR@SALIENT.ORG.NZ, @SALIENTMAGAZINE, OR TO OUR FACEBOOK PAGE. GET YO PALS TOGETHER AND GO CRAZY. 6

⊗ NEWS ⊗

VUWSA ENGAGES STUDENTS AT IGM SEVERAL YEARS TOO LATE

☞

NICOLA WOOD

VUWSA's first general meeting of the year last Wednesday brought lively discussion about the future of student representation and services at Victoria University.

VUWSA President Bridie Hood chaired the Initial General Meeting (IGM) which required a quorum of 100 to take place.

111 members attended.

The bulk of the meeting's agenda consisted of a number of amendments to VUWSA's constitution, reflecting how it must now operate under Voluntary Student Membership.

Despite expectations that the changes – described by Hood as 'tidying up' the constitution – would be uncontroversial, one became contentious with some students opposing it to show their opposition to the yet to be established Student Forum.

The motion in question sought to remove provisions for the election of representatives from VUWSA to Victoria's University Council and other boards.

Hood's rationale for the amendment was that the University had removed positions for VUWSA on these committees and replaced them with representatives from the new Student Forum, so there was no

point in electing people whose roles no longer existed.

that if there was a loss, it would be "very small".

Those speaking against the motion wanted to continue to elect students' association members to the roles, even though the University would no longer invite them to meetings.

Also discussed was an upcoming review of the VUWSA's governance and the services it provides.

They suggested retaining the positions could be a form of protest at the University's decision to stop recognising VUWSA as the main body of student representation at Victoria.

Hood said that students would be consulted about how services should be funded in the future, but that services provided in 2012 would not be affected by the review.

In response to a question from Salient coeditor Asher Emanuel about the nature of VUWSA's greater "...THERE WAS NO POINT IN ELECTING PEOPLE financial dependence WHOSE ROLES NO LONGER EXISTED." on the University under VSM, Hood Students spoken to by Salient said they said further details on the relationship were confused about how the Student between VUWSA and the University Forum has come about, and that its will be released in a Memorandum of creation was “a bit of a shock”.

Understanding in the near future.

The amendment was passed with 79 votes in favour.

VUWSA Treasurer William Guzzo spoke on the association's statement of financial position. As previously reported in Salient, the current budget sees them on track for a $140,000 deficit.

Following questioning on whether this was expected to eventuate, Guzzo said they were "working very hard" to ensure

7

In general, students expressed that the IGM was more engaging than it had been in previous years.

However some had problems with VUWSA's communication. One class representative described it as “pretty shit”, telling Salient the class reps had not been notified of the IGM. Many students who attended said they were there for the free pizza.

⊗ NEWS ⊗

LOL ☞

HARRY EVANS

BAT GIRL FEEDS YOUNG The 1990’s favourite Batgirl, Alicia Silverstone, has adopted a feeding process for her son more closely associated to other wing’d things.

THE WORLD THIS WEEK ☛☛ In a valiant attempt to crack down on the filthy pornography tearing apart the pious soul of Indonesia, the nation’s religious affairs minister declares a moratorium on the wearing of mini-skirts–as they are the cause of “a lot of rape”.

Meanwhile, thousands take to the streets to protest entrenched government corruption. ☛☛ In a rare papal Caribbean bender, Pope Benedict XVI declares the 50 year old US trade sanctions on Cuba anathema in exchange for a debauched afternoon of anticapitalist yarns with local overlord Mr Fidel Castro himself. He’s still not letting Africa wear condoms though– cheeky Benny!

In a video posted online, by the Clueless star herself, Silverstone is seen chewing some food and then passing it directly from her mouth to the mouth of her 10 month old son, Bear.

This practice is common in the animal kingdom but mainly involves the parent throwing up the food for their child.

According to Silverstone’s lifestyle blod, The Kind life, this technique is apparently regular practice in the Silverstone household.

“It’s his favorite...and mine. He literally crawls across the room to attack my mouth if I’m eating", she writes. Salient advises readers to avoid the video before and after they eat.

☛☛ In protest to racial profiling and the murder of Trayvon Martin, Democratic congressman Bobby Rush dons a hoodie on the floor of Congress. Republicans freak out, ostensibly because hoodies always conceal weapons, and he is ejected from the floor. ☛☛ President Obama is recorded whispering furtively to Russian President Dmitry Medvedev that the Russians should give him space to get his shit sorted until after he wins the November Presidential election. Republicans are outraged at Obama’s honesty. ☛☛ A Picton bus driver narrowly escapes minor injury as an 11-year-old boy throws a rock at the school bus. The driver declares its about goddamn time somebody told those meddling kids to get off the streets and go to class.

8

ASHTON CRAWLS UNDER RIHANNA'S UMBRELLA, ELLA, ELLA, EH, EH Rihanna has literally found love in a hopeless place. In a celebrity relationship rumour that no one expected or wanted, the Barbadian diva is reportedly seeing That 70’s Show star, Ashton Kutcher.

Reporters noted Rihanna’s SUV parked at Ashton’s complex over night. Salient hopes that we are being Punk’d because Ashton is shit. Questioned on the pairing, Rihanna responded angrily to the journalist.

Salient hopes this was just a casual bang and Rihanna suffers no ongoing butterfly effects.

⊗ NEWS ⊗

GOVT STILL TIGHT AS FUCK JOYCE WITHOLDS STUDENTS' POCKET MONEY

☞

FAREWELL GOOD SIR PROFESSOR SIR PAUL CALLAGHAN PASSES AWAY

☞

SHILPA BHIM

One of New Zealand’s most prominent scientists, Professor Sir Paul Callaghan, passed away on Saturday 24 March after a lengthy battle with bowel cancer.

The news of his death affected many people around the country, including staff and students at Victoria University.

Victoria University Vice-Chancellor Professor Pat Walsh described Callaghan as “a great leader and an inspiration.”

“He was a leading light in the field of nuclear magnetic resonance, and in addition made a significant contribution

to the study of soft matter at Massey University. He joined Victoria University in 2001 and became the inaugural Director of the MacDiarmid Institute for Advanced Materials and Nanotechnology in 2002.

Professor Walsh has said that Victoria University will continue his work.

“Paul was the driving force in developing Victoria as a world-leader in this field. His colleagues and students will continue the research that was his passion.”

Professor Sir Paul Callaghan’s funeral was held on Wednesday 28 March at the Wesley Methodist Church in "'PAUL WAS THE DRIVING FORCE IN DEVELOPING Wellington. More than 400 people attended the service VICTORIA AS A WORLD-LEADER IN THIS FIELD.'" including Governor General Sir Jerry Mateparae and to communicating science beyond the Deputy Prime Minister Bill English. scientific community and to debate about The variety and number of esteemed New Zealand’s future prosperity,” said public figures at the funeral is a Professor Walsh. testament to the widespread influence Callaghan, who was named New and importance of Professor Sir Paul Zealander of the Year in 2011, was born Callaghan’s works. As Vice-Chancellor in Wanganui in 1947. He studied physics Professor Pat Walsh said, at Victoria University before obtaining “He demonstrated, to use his own words: his Doctor of Science and Doctor of ‘not just that science is interesting and Philosophy degrees from the University a relevant part of our lives but it can of Oxford. actually make a tremendous difference to He returned to New Zealand to research the potential of this country.’” the applications of magnetic resonance 9

WEI-WEI NG

The Government has raised student allowance and student loan rates by 1.77 per cent, while deciding to freeze the student allowance parental income threshold.

The changes come as part of the 2012 general adjustment announced on Thursday by Tertiary Education ‘Super’ Minister Steven Joyce. The threshold uses parental income to determine the eligibility of a student for an allowance or partial allowance.

Joyce explained not raising the threshold as ''the first step in curbing the major expenditure increase in student allowances over the last few years''.

He added that the current threshold was already ahead of wage growth and inflation.

The Green Party has criticised the actions of the Government, saying that the freeze will create a further barrier to higher education. Green Party student spokesperson Holly Walker said that the affected students will instead have to take out student loans, increasing student debt overall.

The freeze is expected to affect the eligibility of around 1500 students for student allowance over the next four years.

Students can expect to see that extra $3 sometime this week as the changes to student loan and allowance rates came into effect on Sunday.

⊗ NEWS ⊗

FREE VENUE HIRE

EYE ON EXEC ☞

STELLA BLAKE-KELLY

The March meeting of the VUWSA general executive quickly saw this Salient reporter transported into an episode of VUWSA: Child Of Our Time.

Maternal President Bridie Hood had the exec number themselves off out loud before the class excursion to Governance Lane could begin. All were present, until Queer Officer Genevieve Fowler suddenly discovered she needed the little girls’ room.

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Fortunately, Clubs Officer Reed Fleming had some craft activities to tie them over as they waited. This involved cooperation in handing out parts of the agenda pack that they had to compile themselves. It didn’t take long for Hood to realise she needed to explain how to pick up the pieces of paper.

“I’ve already stuffed up,” lamented Fleming.

Once the mountains of paper were in order, the meeting finally got underway at 5.49pm.

Work reports all passed, with Treasurer William Guzzo commending everyone’s efforts during the busy start to the year, and noting they all were deficit free–much to the envy of Governments worldwide.

Guzzo also informed the exec that the Audit and Finance Committee would next week be releasing a discussion document on what spending areas and services they want to review and cut.

“For example, clubs and student media,” Guzzo explained, leading this underpaid reporter instantly fearful for her year’s whiskey supply.

166 Willis Street, Wellington www.trinityhotel.co.nz /trinityhotel /Eclipse Bar

He said a question which needed to be considered was where VUWSA wanted to be in five years time, and that they needed to think about what they wanted and what they held valuable. Quite a task for an executive with only a one year term.

Soon they moved into the secretive adolescent years, hiding their discussions away in a ‘committee’ diary, with ‘reasons of commercial sensitivity’ locking Salient out from reporting.

10

What came out of the discussions was something that, for reasons unknown, was not done in 2011 when the issue first arose—VUWSA finally officially taking a position on the less than hotly debated Student Forum. This saw Hood’s recent speech to the Academic Board tabled and a motion to endorse her comments passed.

As previously reported in Salient, her speech resulted in the yet to be established Student Forum being opened up for wider student consultation before being entirely adopted by the University Council. A second motion was passed that the exec welcomed the Board’s decision to do so.

Next topic of discussion saw the VUWSA Executive become responsible (read: puritanical) adults. With Welfare Officer Rory McCourt announcing, “Madame Chair, I would like to have a discussion about VUWSA’s position on a smokefree policy.” Tar tainted lungs around campus could be heard gasping at the thought. Though it was probably unrelated.

McCourt explained that the University was looking at making all of Victoria’s campuses smokefree, and was seeking VUWSA’s position on the matter.

Discussion ensued about how the difficulties in policing such a policy would turn it into a ‘token gesture’.

With all campuses being surrounded by Council land, students could still smoke close by, and as a smoking member of the executive noted–many areas on campus are already smoke free, meaning the impacts of the change wouldn’t make a significant difference.

In a moment of innovative spirit, they decided to run a Facebook poll to gauge student opinion before formally adopting a position.

The meeting closed at 7.36pm. At just under two hours long, this week’s exec meeting bore witness to the unsightly transformation of the VUWSA Executive from delinquent children to tamed bureaucrats. This too shall pass.

⊗ NEWS ⊗

OVERHEARD AT VIC

OVERSEEN IN CYBERCOMMS:

“my sister informs me that a young man in dunedin is renowned for tricking girls into thinking he is wearing a condom by just wearing the ring.................... #dunedin” ▷ Stella Blake-Kelly

OVERHEARD IN RELI106:

Lecturer: “It’s like jazz, or pornography. It’s hard to define, but when we see it, we know” ▷ Jepha Kreig

OVERHEARD IN BILD362:

Lecturer: Don’t leave the country please. If you do I will hunt you down and kill you ▷ Garry Morrow

OVERHEARD IN MDIA 209 TUTORIAL:

Tutor: “what is typically inserted between spread legs?” ▷ Elyce Maree Costley Smith

OVERHEARD IN KELBURN LIBRARY:

First year students riding the Library elevators for ten minutes: “This is so exciting, we didn’t have these in college!” ▷ Angus Hodgson

OVERHEARD IN MUSIC TECHNOLOGY LECTURE ABOUT AUDITORY PERCEPTION: Male Student: ‘So like, if a chick has big boobs, does that mean she can hear better?’

Lecturer: ‘Um, I don’t know, maybe you could go home and try that out for yourself.’ ▷ Benjamin Cornelius Broadmore

OVERHEARD IN ECON305:

Lecturer: “you may have heard that the FCA is being renamed the Victoria Business School.

Unfortunately my suggestion of naming it the Victorian Business School was rejected, so I don’t get to do my lecturing with a top hat and monocle.” ▷ Cameron Vannisselroy

OVERSEEN IN THE BOTTOM OF MURPHY:

First years pulling staples out of the walls for their assignments because none of them had stapled them together. ▷ Alex Hassard

OVERHEARD IN INDN 341 TE ARO DESIGN:

Lecturer: “so five people couldn’t make it to the presentation today because they have some kind of diseases and injuries.....” ▷ Jess Badger

OVERHEARD IN CONTRACT LAW:

Lecturer: “I have music from the 60s on my iPod... yes, the 1960s.... I’ve got U2 and Coldplay... yes, I’ve heard of them before... but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.” ▷ Patrick James Rozendaal EMAIL SNIPPETS OF VIC LIFE TO OVERHEARD@SALIENT.ORG.NZ, OR FIND OVERHEARD@VIC ON FACEBOOK.

VICTORIA UNIVERSITY’S HYDE STREET KEG PARTY HAMPERED BY FACT NO HYDE STREET IN WELLINGTON. ☞ HUGO McKINNON Following the success of Otago University students’ annual Hyde Street keg party last weekend, a group of Victoria University students hosted their own unofficial Hyde Street party on Saturday, advertising the event on Facebook. However the party was a disaster as none of the hosts or guests were able to attend, primarily due to the fact there is no Hyde Street in Wellington.

On Friday night the Facebook event listed over 200 people as “definitely going, hell yea, this event is going to be rad”. When converted into real terms this equated to about 40 people considering—maybe—if they got their readings done first—going for perhaps an hour but only having a beer or two.

One user commented “sorry could someone give me directions google maps must glitching lol.”

A group of would-be attendees found in Burger Fuel at 3am on Sunday expressed their frustration. “We tried to find the party, we really did, but the only 11

Hyde Street near here is in Wainuiomata.

Where the fuck is that?”

Salient was unable to find out where the fuck Wainuiomata is either.

VUWSA President Bridle Good was asked if the association would consider getting involved in the planning of a street party in the future.

“If we did, it would have to be on one of Wellington’s own streets dominated by student housing with reasonable rent like… er…” An awkward silence followed as Good stared out a window awaiting inspiration.

Salient asked Otago University student and Hyde Street resident Brad Kingston what he thought about the copy-cat event and the spread of Dunedin’s drinking culture.

Slurring slightly, he answered: “Getting drunk everyday and doing no work all semester with seemingly no consequences? Can you even do Sports Science at Vic?”

⚡ COLUMNS ⚡

VIC LABOUR

NZ FIRST

Labour has already achieved significant legislative change for the GLBT community through decriminalising homosexuality and legalising civil unions.

In the 2011 election Labour promised to legalise same-sex marriage, but go beyond that and ensure safety of GLBT young people in schools.

It’s up to individual MPs as to how they would vote on this issue as there are a diverse range of views within the party.

If the legislation of same-sex marriage came to the attention of the House in the form of a Bill, then New Zealand First MPs would vote according to their own personal conscience rather than following a party position. Usually, a conscience vote will be about religious, moral or ethical issues. Since 2002, there have been 38 Bills before parliament that have been a conscience vote.

Labour recognises the human right of all people to be free of discrimination, and strongly supports same-sex marriage.

National MPs have in the past been strong opponents to granting GLBT people human rights, and have said that this human right is “not a policy priority”.

▷ Amy Hodgkinson

▷ Reed Fleming

SALIENT ASKED,

PARTISAN

"SHOULD SAME-SEX MARRIAGE BE LEGALISED?"

THE HACKS RESPOND...

ACT ON CAMPUS

GREENS AT VIC

ACT on Campus supports the legalisation of same-sex marriage. We believe couples, whether gay or straight, should be free to marry without government involvement or interference.

The legalisation of same-sex marriage is long overdue. To deny people the right to marriage on the grounds of their sexuality is plain discrimination. Civil unions do not provide the same benefits as marriage, primarily because they are not as widely understood or respected. To be a country that can pride itself on protecting the equal rights of all its citizens, we need marriage equality. If it is less than marriage, then it’s less than equal.

▷ Michael Warren

▷ Harriet Farquar

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VIC NATS Yes. ▷ Christian Hermansen

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UNCONVENTIONAL LEADERSHIP: STAYING OUT OF THE HOUSE ☞ HAMISH MCCONNOCHIE Two weekends ago, the Liberal National Party (LNP) ended 14 years of Labor (ALP) rule with a landslide victory. With 44 seats switching from red to blue, the Campbell Newman-led LNP finished the night on 78 seats, with Labor on just seven.

Queensland floods. In both his 2004 and 2008 Mayoral elections, Newman carried the vote amongst voters in Ashgrove. On the night, Newman got home with a 13 per cent swing, exceeding the 7.1 per cent required.

Newman, who resigned as Lord Mayor of Brisbane to become LNP leader, led his party to election victory despite never have sat in Queensland’s Parliament.

Non-Parliamentary leaders are a rarity in Australia, with 1898 the last example, according to the ABC.

Unlike Queensland, non-Parliamentary leaders have not experienced the same level success in New Zealand. Last year, Don Brash’s leadership of ACT saw the party be reduced from five MPs to just one. Upon his appointment, Brash boldly claimed that ACT could capture 10-15 per cent of the party vote. Party sources have indicated that ACT’s membership doubled within a few months of his appointment.

Much of the early polling showed a comfortable election victory for the LNP, shifting the media’s focus to the seat of Ashgrove.

Ashgrove, which was held by former ALP Minister Kate Jones, was chosen as the electorate Newman would contest. This was despite the 7.1 per cent swing to the LNP required for Newman to be elected and thus become state Premier; unlike New Zealand, Queensland uses optional preferential voting, meaning there is no party list for a leader to fall back on, should one fail to win his or her seat.

Further, Ashgrove had been held by the ALP since 1986, making the move highrisk; failure for Newman to win would have seen a new government elected without a Premier-apparent. The move, however, was also well thought out. LNP insiders manufactured a ballot to install Newman as leader, after polling showed he was the only conservative politician to match the popularity of Anna Bligh, the departing Queensland Premier, during the

Brash failed to gain traction and resorted to political sideshows such “one law for all” and the decriminalisation of cannabis.

That being said, I do feel that ACT’s party vote was suppressed due to polling indicating National’s Paul Goldsmith would win Epsom, resulting in voters not having confidence to vote ACT as a “party alternative.” Brash was also not helped by high profile candidate Don Nicholson being AWOL on the campaign.

The Greens have had some success with a non-Parliamentary (co-)leader. Russel Norman served as the party’s male co-leader from 2006 to 2008, entering Parliament upon Nandor Tanczos’ resignation. At the 2008 general election, the party won 3 extra seats.

A fortnight ago, a by-election was held in riding of Toronto—Danforth, a Canadian federal electoral district. The by-election 13

was forced due to the death of the then leader of the NDP and Official Opposition, Jack Layton.

Layton, a former Toronto city councillor, was elected the party’s leader in 2003 as a non-Parliamentary leader until his election in Toronto—Danforth a year later.

Like Newman, Layton did not select a “safe seat” to run in. Although left-leaning, the Liberal’s Dennis Mills had held the seat since 1988.

Despite limited success initially, Layton led the NDP to 103 seats at the 2011 election, up on the 37 won in 2008. Much of this was due to Layton’s personal popularity, with the NDP’s focus on Layton leading to commentators labelling the party’s campaign as “presidential”.

Sadly, only a matter of months after his election as Leader of the Official Opposition, Layton died, following a battle with cancer. Layton’s final act was to write a “letter to Canadians”, which he finished with, “My friends, love is better than anger.

Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.”

Leaders outside the House have shown mixed results. It could be a move we may see more often in New Zealand, should Labour shift to its members electing the party leader, now that Newman has shown the way.

HAMISH IS GENERALLY WRONG. TELL HIM WHY ON TWITTER: @MISHVIEWS

⚡ COLUMNS ⚡

"SMALLER-BREASTED WOMEN ARE BETTER CONVERSATIONALISTS. THIS IS SO LOGICAL THAT NO ONE HAS CONSIDERED SPENDING MONEY ON PROVING IT." refers to one badly timed shoe-throwing episode in early 2003. The shoe was made of canvas, because I wasn’t allowed Pulps. Keep up. She enacted revenge when I was fifteen by coming into the room when I was luxuriating in a Grey’s Anatomy obsession and saying “Patrick Dempsey looks just like your father used to.” This being the same father who didn’t pull my covers up at night because “you looked asleep and I was worried you would wake up and think I was abusing you.” I ask you. If you looked like Patrick Dempsey, would I even have minded?

My physical inadequacy as a teenager gave me something in common with other physically inadequate teenagers.

Note that physical inadequacy here refers to a flat chest/nose you’ll “grow into”/overzealous orthodontia, not actual physical inadequacy. So we’re talking a shallow and distorted concept here. It doesn’t really go away, now I think about it. I still hate that my little brother’s friends are a bevy of beautiful seventeen-yearolds. Where is the character building in that?

FAREWELL, TEENS. THANKS FOR ALL THE CHARACTER BUILDING BUT IN RETROSPECT I WOULD RATHER HAVE JUST HAD BREASTS. As a pre-teen, I knew what was up. Or so I thought. I didn’t wear T-shirts that said “Dear Santa… define nice”. Sex was something Mufasa and Sarabi had this one time. I wasn’t allowed Pulp platforms because “they’ll break your ankle”, and they would have. The Listener’s exposés of adolescent shenanigans simply did not apply to me. Until this fateful day on which a girl called Charlotte mocked me at a tennis holiday programme for wearing a wraparound skirt over flared red pants. Cue a decade of insecurity and self-pity. Charlotte, you were a bitch. The skort had beads on it, and your backhand sucked.

I am nineteen. I will be twenty in a few short days. Naturally, then, I have been thinking recently about the defining features of my teens. There are no bones about it. (There’ll probably be none in my

I have emerged with a fair few theories.

Smaller-breasted women are better conversationalists. This is so logical that no one has considered spending money on proving it. Equally logical is my working definition of a relationship as a means for girls to have security and boys to have sex (coupled-up flatmate interjects with “that’s so not true—love is out there for you.” Excuse me while I go shit in her bed).

The most—actually probably the only— damning realization that has emerged from my thoul thearching has been that I realized far too late that my worldview was woefully narrow. Maybe "CHARLOTTE, YOU WERE A BITCH. THE SKORT HAD I was physically adequate BEADS ON IT, AND YOUR BACKHAND SUCKED." after all. Maybe it didn’t really matter. Maybe the twenties either—whey hey!) Srsly, though, best place to find saucy literature with no denial here: things have been bleak. which I could try and win friends at lunchtime was not ‘The Other Boleyn Girl’, Highlights of my adolescence included a because no one uses the word ‘cunny’ brief spell in light therapy with my mother any more. because of my “disrespect”. Come on, woman. This “disrespect” you speak of

" It made Elrond smile and he loomed over the prostrate form to claim another deeply satisfying kiss from the parted lips..."

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⚡ COLUMNS ⚡

CREAM

lose their home next week. By figuring out the probability that something bad will happen, insurance companies make good bets. By free-riding on their work, we find out fascinating things.

amongst insurers has made the deal as sweet as possible for those buying policies, so there’s a one-in-ten-thousand chance that you’ll get abducted by aliens.

Probably not worth worrying about.

Consider smoking. Insurance companies typically count you as a ‘non-smoker’ if you haven’t smoked for two years.

The risk of a gruesome death often convinces us to not smoke, yet insurance companies are saying that we can just quit later and get back to square one.

Who’s right? Insurers are bringing the money to the table, so it’s unsurprising that evidence is on their side. According to the American Cancer Society, two years after quitting smoking your risk of heart disease and cancer will have dropped off, almost back to normal. The insurance policy makes sense.

Insurance is cool, and cool people have realised this. Gennaro Pelliccia tastes coffee for a living, which is clearly awesome, and he would be gutted if anything happened to his tongue. He bought an insurance policy that pays ten million pounds if anything happens to it. That means that, to him, the tragedy of a broken tongue requires ten million pounds to rectify. Similarly, Celine Dion, Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen all have their vocal cords insured. Keith Richards also took out a policy on a body part, but deemed that his fingers were a more valuable asset.

For the uninitiated, my fixation with insurance might come off as odd, so I’ll make my case. The insurance industry’s purpose is to find out fascinating things: how likely it is that you’ll die tomorrow and whether your Cantabrian friends will

Insurance premiums can tell us about smoking, but the secrets that they hide go deeper still. The USA is the home of both paranoid nutters and greedy arseholes. Combing these two groups has lead to a thriving alien abduction insurance market. The payouts are big: for a hundred dollars, you can get a policy that will pay one million dollars if you get abducted by aliens. Competition

Insurance is fascinating because it tells us both what people value and their risk of losing it. People don’t like risk, and so we can be sure that insurers will always be around to shoulder that burden. In doing so, we’ll learn more about our bodies and our lives. More importantly, we’ll learn about aliens, and that is clearly a good thing.

SCIENCE

DIPLODOCUS (DOUBLE-BEAMED) Long-necked vegetarian. It used to be thought that Diplodocus had a second brain. Paleontologists (dino nerds) now think that what they thought was a second brain was just an enlargement of the spinal cord in the hip area. This enlargement was larger than the animal’s tiny brain.

DINOMANIA

VELOCIRAPTOR (SPEEDY THIEF) May have been able to run up to 60 km/h, and had a 9cm long, sickle-like, retractable claw on the middle toe of each foot, capable of slashin’ necks and cashin’ cheques. Drawback: contrary to what Steven Spielberg wants you to think, these bad boys were only 1m tall.

$

$ $ $

CASH RULES EVERYTHING AROUND ME INSURANCE ACTUARIES ARE THE TRU BLUD GANGSTARZ

☞

WILBUR TOWNSEND

Some people are into weird things: obscure German board-games, erotic sci-fi fan fiction or boxing, for example. I’m much more normal. I like insurance markets.

WHATS IT UP TO?

☞ BAS

SUCKLING

A classic ice breaker at parties is the old "HEY IM BAS WHATS YOUR FAVOURITE DINOSAUR?!

"You gotta be ready for that conversation, and I’m here to help.

TYRANNOSAURUS REX (TYRANT LIZARD KING) Most famous dino there is, he terrified us during Jurassic Park, and to this day the sight of my glass of water vibrating causes me to involuntarily piss my pants.

Drawback: he has baby arms with only two fingers, so he looks like a bit of a goose.

TRICERATOPS (THREE-HORNED FACE) The three-horns were pretty cool, when threatened by predators they probably charged into enemies like the modernday rhinoceros does, making dinokebabs.

Drawback: these guys made delicious brunch for T-Rex. STEGOSAURUS (PLATED LIZARD) Steggy is probably the coolest of the herbivores, and is the unofficial dino of Salient. He had seventeen bony plates, run along his back and tail in two rows which alternated in alignment.

Stegosaurus also had spikes at the end 15

of its flexible tail which it would swing like a mace during dino battles. Drawback: although Stegosaurus was about the size of a bus, it had a small head (the size of a horse’s head) and a brain that was only the size of a walnut.

BRACHIOSAURUS (ARM LIZARD) One of the tallest and largest dinosaurs ever found, at around 16m tall (giraffe is about 5m). Full grown ones had no predators, and lived the easy life as giant salad munchers.

Drawbacks: its front legs were longer than its hind legs, and when combined with its long neck it ended up having an awkward giraffe-type stance.

ANKYLOSAURUS (FUSED LIZARD) The bulldozer of dinosaurs, its entire top side was heavily protected from carnivores with thick, oval plates embedded in its leathery skin, two rows of spikes along its body, large horns that projected from the back of the head, and a club-like tail. Drawbacks: He’s got no plating on his underbelly and can’t roll over, so if he gets flipped on his back it's game over.

It’s okay if you think dinosaur bones were planted by God to test us, you can still have your favourite.

LOVE / LUST

ON T HE

PILL T HE S E A R C H FO R A M A L E C O N T R AC EP T I VE ✏ ELLE HUNT

“WHAT QUALIFIES ME TO BE AN EXPERT ON WOMEN’S REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH?” ASKS A SOMBRE, BESUITED LELAND PALMER IN A PARODY POSTED ON FUNNYORDIE.COM. “I’M A 59-YEAR-OLD MAN.”

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T

he video is a nod to the fact that access to hormonal birth control—a debate that raged in the United States over half a century ago—has always been as much about politics as it has about health. It’s no less contentious an issue in 2012: election year.

In February, the Republican Party attempted to overturn President Obama’s new law, introduced as part of healthcare reforms, that requires most employers or insurers to cover the cost of contraceptives.

Republicans argued that this requirement violates the First Amendment’s guarantee of religious freedom by forcing employers to pay for employees’ contraception, even if their faith forbade its use. A narrow majority of Senate Democrats voted against the amendment, arguing that hormonal birth control is prescribed to women for healthrelated purposes unrelated to preventing pregnancy.

Of greater concern was that the “Blunt amendment”, named for Senator Roy Blunt of Missouri, would place control of women’s reproductive health decisions in the hands of their employers. But, as the FunnyOrDie.com parody wryly references, so far in the debate, such decisions have been weighed in on by everyone but women themselves.

Commenting on the debate in the same month, Foster Friess—the single largest donor to Republican presidential

candidate Rick Santorum’s political action committee—said, without a trace of selfawareness or humour, that “in [his] day”, “gals” held aspirin between their knees in lieu of contraception, “and it wasn’t that costly”. Conservative broadcaster Rush Limbaugh later referred to Freiss’s comment when he called law student Sandra Fluke, who was denied the right to speak on an allmale panel on the religious implications of the issue, a “slut” and a “prostitute” on air.

‘male’ and ‘female’ dialogues within the debate. As male Republican politicians campaign for legislation that will impact on thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of women’s decision-making in regards to their reproductive health, women alone know how it feels like to take charge of their own fertility—and the risks of not doing so.

It’s easy to see the source of inspiration for the FunnyOrDie.com video. What the controversy over contraceptives in the United States has highlighted is the inequality and intrinsic difference that exists between what can be crudely generalised as

on the pill, it’s OK” or something else responsible.”

As Kyle Munkittrick put it in a guest blog for Discover magazine (http:// However, the Republican Party’s bid to is.gd/tR2Qtc), “women are constantly encumber women’s access to birth control bombarded with reminders that they can has gone beyond straightforward namemake babies [and]... that it can happen calling. A couple of weeks ago, former accidentally. Consider this: no matter presidential candidate Rick Perry supported what the situation, men are only required to think about safe sex right before “I have been expected, just as a matter of or as it’s happening, but never in course, to have the matter of my fertility the interim... a woman is constantly under control...” being asked if she’s pregnant, might be pregnant, or is planning on the passing of a law in Texas that barred getting pregnant. She... is probably on or Planned Parenthood from receiving funding considering some form of birth control under the state’s healthcare programme. based on the possibility that she might This prompted a slew of posts on his have sex in the future. official Facebook page (that were promptly “...The enormous problem here is that removed) along the lines of: “Hey, Rick, while girls are forced to contemplate STDs when I menstruate there is sometimes and pregnancy early, boys are largely coagulated purple gel in my Mooncup. I’m unconcerned until they have sex for the not 100% sure what it is, so I figured I’d ask first time. In many cases, it will be the an expert on women’s health.” girl who asks about a condom or says “I’m

17

As a 21-year-old, sexually active (though, in the interests of full disclosure, ‘active’ implies a frequency that I cannot live

LOVE / LUST

up to), I can attest to Munkittrick’s argument. I have been expected, just as a matter of course, to have the matter of my fertility under control by taking a hormonal contraceptive every day—most of which pass by without any opportunity for me to risk pregnancy (unless the urban legends about public toilets are true). This requires a certain level of effort on my part: making and attending the

a new contraceptive is difficult. “It’s just around the corner” has become something of a catchphrase in regards to the development of a temporary, reversible contraceptive for men. The key stumbling block seems to be the rate of gamete production in the male reproductive system. Women release one egg a month, and so hormonal contraceptives need only interrupt that single event in order to be effective. Some reports “...men produce as many as 1,000 sperm every suggest that men produced second, and stemming that flow poses more as many as 1,000 sperm every of a problem.” second, and stemming that flow poses more of a problem. appointment at Student Health, picking More of a problem, yes, but not an up the prescription, and taking it as insurmountable one. Options include directed. The implicit statement seems to hormonal pills and injections inspired be that—as much as any woman can count by marijuana’s link to impotence, and on her sexual partner to support her in the a similar, but more easily reversible case of an accidental pregnancy—women’s procedure to a vasectomy known as fertility is a women’s issue, even though it ‘Reversible Inhibition of Sperm Under takes an egg and a sperm to make a fetus.

Guidance’. Most encouragingly, researchers As Munkittrick points out, despite the debate over it in the political sphere, contraception is a single-sex issue, and this has created a basic inequality in men and women’s attitudes towards sexual health and responsibility. At the moment, the current choices for men looking to take control of their fertility are condoms— already irreplaceable for protection from diseases such as herpes and chlamydia— and vasectomies. (Resulting in about 30 pregnancies per 100 women per year, withdrawal is not a legitimate option.

Come on.) The latter is too drastic a step for the majority of men below the age of 40, while condoms have a high rate of failure compared to hormonal contraception.

Conversely, there are 11 female-only contraceptive methods, many of which are readily available at Student Health and Family Planning. The development of a non-barrier birth control for men, typified by the image of a ‘male pill’, would go some way towards addressing this imbalance. “A male pill would dramatically alter some consciousnesses.

Both sexes would be having discussions about preventing pregnancy as well as preventing diseases in sex-ed,” argued Munkittrick. “The burden of responsibility would be equalised early on.”

The benefits of male birth control are obvious, but developing and marketing

at the University of North Carolina recently concluded (with the help of an $100,000 grant from the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation) that dosing the testes with ultrasound is a “promising candidate” in providing men with up to six months of reliable, low-cost, non-hormonal contraception.

it would not replace the protection against sexually-transmitted diseases provided by a condom. Moreover, some women are understandably reluctant to trust their sexual partner with matters of fertility that are of such great consequence to them themselves; though no studies have been carried out on the matter, anecdotal evidence points to some reluctance amongst women to have men take care of contraception.

Somewhat ironically, this argument perpetuates the inequality and mistrust that made birth control one of the defining social issues of this primary in the first place. It implies that, though men have the authority to delegate responsibility for preventing against pregnancy and disease to women, they cannot be trusted with the task themselves. Of course, women have much more at stake. “I, for one, would love to let my body take a break after eight years of hormonal birth control and let my partner take a turn,” wrote one female commentator on Munkittrick’s article.

“[But] would I really be willing to trust that the other person is being responsible and taking the pill every day?... At the end of the day, it’s my body that’s going to have a baby growing inside it, and all that entails... It’s going to take an enormous cultural shift before getting “...dosing the testes with ultrasound is a pregnant after a one-night “promising candidate” in providing men with stand affects both partners up to six months of reliable, low-cost, nonequally.”

hormonal contraception.”

However, further study as to whether there would be cumulative damage from repeated doses of ultrasound is necessary before the treatment can be considered a marketable reality. “The last thing we want is a lingering damage to sperm,” commented Dr Allan Pacey, a senior lecturer at the University of Sheffield, to BBC News. One 20-year-old male I spoke to—who was otherwise enthusiastic about the idea—expressed concern at the potential of “lingering damage”, admitting that he would take steps to preserve his sperm before trialling any male-only contraceptive.

Though the development of and widespread access to a male-only contraceptive seems like it would liberate, it would likely only be of benefit to people in long-term, committed relationships, as

Reluctance to adopt maleonly birth control will likely discourage pharmaceutical companies from funding its development, which is a shame. The debate isn’t just about safe sex and contraception; it’s also about attitudes to safe sex and contraception. Though the “enormous cultural shift” necessary to make male contraception an accepted alternative is often spoken of as being a disincentive to progress, its ultimate upshot would be improved responsibility, awareness, and understanding of birth control across the board. To put it bluntly, more equality in matters of fertility would change society’s understanding of sex, reproduction and relationships for the better—as much as it might be a bitter pill to swallow for the Republican Party. ▲

"He glanced up to find Legolas watching him avidly and set about teasing the enticing little nodes, lapping and sucking, nipping and tugging, back and forth between the twinned maroon points until they were wet with saliva and Legolas was trembling all over."

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LOVE / LUST

S A M N O RTH C O T T ' S G U I D E T O . . .

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LOVE / LUST

ACT UAL L O V E AFTER

LOVE ACT UAL LY T HE S TO RY O F O N E B O Y' S B R O K E N D R E A M S ✏ DUNCAN McLACHLAM

LOVE ACTUALLY TOLD ME SHE’D ANSWER MY PHONE CALLS. SHE DIDN’T. SHAKESPEARE SUGGESTED I TRY MY HAND AT POETRY TO WOO HER; TURNED OUT TO BE A LAME IDEA. NOTTING HILL EVEN ASSURED ME THAT I COULD ONE DAY MEET AND MARRY EMMA WATSON. YET I’M STILL ALONE IN WELLINGTON STUDYING PUBLIC LAW. LITERATURE HAS FOREVER TARNISHED MY PERCEPTIONS OF ROMANCE. NOVELS AND FILMS THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE PLAGUED OUR UNDERSTANDING OF LOVE, DISTORTING OUR EXPECTATIONS OF RELATIONSHIPS AND HOW TO ACT WITHIN THEM.

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I

grew up confused. I watched Love Actually and came to the sensible conclusion that the woman of my dreams would bump into me any day now. The film gave me options. I could fall in love with a Portugese women who had a hopeless grasp of the English language; a soulful singer who, at the age of ten, sang better than Beyonce; or even a maid with “tree trunks” for thighs. I knew it didn’t have to happen tomorrow. I had time to wait. But I was certain that when I met her that would be it. It would be a feeling: a gut sensation of absolute devotion that would never leave me.

LOVE / LUST So that was one side of the romance spectrum: the classic, true love, idealist side. However, there was a murkier side to love engendered by generations of writers.

Books which espoused the frivolous;

It leaves its readers in the dark to the actual ramifications of these embarrassing incidents. For unlike Batman, I generally fluff acts of chivalry. Writers enjoy using the examples of success at courting, skipping out the background: "No matter what I try, I am utterly hopeless at characters who fail, who sparking a relationship. I blame literature for get rejected, who decide to buy a drink for Germaine this def iciency."

Greer. That’s the problem. relationships of apathy, where sex was the We’re the minor characters. Plebs in goal; love non-existent, an after thought, Shakespeare. People who are pushed out which lasted only until the motel key had of the way by Bruce Wayne, but due to to be handed back. These relationships our arrogance and the flattery of writers were aggrandised by Hemingway’s idyllic, (mockingly inserting fallible characteristics The Sun Also Rises, where romance strikes into protagonists, the bastards) we assume at bullfights in Spain; or Kerouac’s On the the role of protagonists, quixotically Road, where the immortal Dean Moriarty’s preparing ourselves for the world outside relationships last as long as the American our bedroom. town life keeps him busy. Love was If only it stopped there. Unfortunately, the nothing more than a stupid catchphrase persuasive nature of literature forces you to used by conservative parents to legitimise judge your romance against that in fiction. their painful marriages.

You start to hate yourself, realising the Literature has set up a false dichotomy of relationships. No one wants to read about the banal so romance becomes polarised.

Thus, if, as I did, you were sheltered from the reality of romance, then you become perplexed by two opposing lies. Love is idealised and forever or it’s meaningless and an irrelevancy.

No matter what I try, I am utterly hopeless at sparking a relationship. I blame literature for this deficiency. I am consistently bombarded with self-reflective questions, otherwise known as a pathetic hindrance at making decisions. Do you offer her a drink? Will I be considered a chauvinist sleaze for doing so or a man of old school chivalry? I still don’t know.

Shakespeare tells me to be cute and chivalrous: to write her poetry, letters and sing to her. Be like Cesario in Twelfth Night, even Romeo if you are serious about wooing her. This traditional style of courting wouldn’t have allowed commonplace questions such as if she’d like a drink; only godly prose would be enough to even catch a glance of the girl.

If I can’t rely on Shakespeare as a role model, I turn to superheroes. But they have it easy. They’re able to save the world and get the girl as a mere side effect; a delightful coincidence of their already perfect lives. For lack of combat ability, I can’t be reliant on vigilante justice to be successful in romance.

Literature often promotes extreme acts of devotion, especially where courting is the one sided affair of Shakespeare’s world.

crude, tragic nature of your own attempts at starting relationships. You ‘investigate’ someone on Facebook before meeting them and then you can’t be with them because it’s not ‘right’; not the correct way to fall in love; meeting someone in a gross bar wouldn’t sit well when you tell the grandkids so you stop; end it, politely decline coffee and it’s all your fault. You didn’t do it like Hugh and Julia so don’t even bother.

Literature openly lies to you about your chances in romance. Notting Hill not

and attended the ‘cool’ parties, they’d still have snobbed me. Social barriers, unfortunately, still exist in the world of romance. Directors need to realise that the Civil Rights movement forgot to focus on my love life; unlike them, I don’t spend my day surrounded by celebrities.

There has been an attempt at a counter culture to these distortionary perspectives of romance. 500 Days of Summer sought to prove a certain complexity to love.

Nick Hornby’s High Fidelity portrayed its grittiness. They both failed. They maintained the stereotypes but just changed the names and applied different makeup. Summer, after everything, meets her man because of the book she is reading in a café. The film is just as hopelessly didactic as Shakespeare. Rather than helping my love life, it has just made me self-conscious over my book choice while lounging in cafes. Will they like the book?

Is reading poetry a bit pretentious? Will they even be well read enough to have heard of this Dostoevsky epic? Zooey Deschanel screwed all hopes of the romcom revolution.

Similarly, High Fidelity ends in love even though the man cheated on the girl, told her they should see other people and made her abort her child. He’s certainly a flawed douchebag, yet his life still completes itself: he gets the girl and still owns a record store and a record label and is a DJ. Well done, Hornby. You really made his life seem tough.

Literature has to generalise; to abstract; to hyperbolise; or it gets forgotten. Readers don’t want to read about themselves. They want to read of people similar to them, doing it better. Literature entices us in its mendacious ways. I’ll admit: I love the stories while I’m on the journey; while I read them and watch them and imagine myself doing it as well. It’s truly heartwarming. But the come-down is even worse. The realisation that your life is normal; that she didn’t just forget to call back but actually didn’t like the Ode you wrote her. It fools us into thinking we’ll be the exception, when we most certainly are the rule; It makes us feel bad for the good life we seek; constrained by social norm and custom that isn’t Shakespearean.

I loved every minute of Love Actually, but it affected me in ways that will leave me forever disappointed by romance and love. I don’t want literature to leave me alone. I just want it to stop being so damn convincing. ▲

"Zooey Deschanel screwed all hopes of the rom-com revolution." only convinced me that true love existed but even worse than that, I was made to believe that social status was not an impediment to success. I could own an average travel bookstore in an average area of London, be pretty boring, not have many friends or skills or talents or extracurriculars or degrees or stories from the OE I never went on; I could be hopeless and still charm anyone. Celebrities were just waiting for me to comfort them and their arrogant insecurities; help them deal with the trauma of success, fame and wealth.

Perhaps Notting Hill got it right on this one; but I doubt it. Even if I did happen to live in North London (a disclaimer here; I did actually grow up in North London.

My selfish parents stole me away from the place when I was ten.); so even if I still lived there and went to the right College

"He moaned against the ear and mimicked the attention he received, sighing as he was suckled and then lapped, bitten and then kissed, squeezed and then fondled in the most delightful ways."

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down Cuba Street and see that this is a tolerant city. If you’re still at home and stuck with oppressive parents, get out.

The toll of moving away from home is worth the freedom, especially at this age.

There’s a feeling of raw independence and unadulterated courage that moving out instills. Having said that, I am in a hall. I may as well be wearing a nappy.

Dismissing for now external pressure, there can still be a lot of psychological bridges to traverse before you feel that you can cross the threshold. ‘Am I sure that I am?’ ‘Is my own low self-esteem causing me to aspire to be another guy to the point of attraction?’ You’re probably over-complicating it, but if you really at war with yourself, just bi it up, not to say of course that bisexuality is exclusively a stepping stone, it can just be helpful to those in limbo.

L E AV ING THE

closet NARN IA 'S TO O C O LD AT T H I S T I M E O F YE A R , AN YWAY. ✏ JONATHAN HOBMAN

I

had two main de-closetings. One took place during the toga party at the mighty Big K, and the other a few weeks prior, on the expansive rolling hills traveling down to our capital.

My mother, through a series of subconversations, asked me if I was gay. This wasn’t an elephant in the room question; I’m about as camp as Clint Eastwood (although I guess I do kind of appreciate ABBA). I think it was just a cover all bases, general curiosity, I-spy-with-mylittle-eye-got-boring hours-ago kind of question. Nevertheless, I said Yes. She didn’t take me seriously at first, but I assured her it was the truth. There were awkward silences, tears, awkward follow up questions, “Imma have no gran-babies” and so on, but ultimately, once the shock wore off we pulled over to a lookout among the fleet of wind turbines. She gave me a big hug and told me I was the best thing that’s ever happened to her. We returned to the car and everything went

back to normal. It was as if nothing had happened.

Now it can’t be said that everybody exiting the metaphorical wardrobe will have such an un-taxing experience, including finding out that you’re the favorite sibling. I’m just lucky enough to have some pretty liberal parents (Dad seemed less fased than Mum when news reached). However there are some very conservative parents out there,

Aside from your own tailored problems, you couldn’t have picked a better generation to be homosex. Most of the work’s been done. The Harvey Milks, Freddy Mercurys and the Neil Patrick Harrises of the world have blazed the trail of public media so that you may be free. I think a good way of judging the attitude of the masses is by looking at public media, the mirror and window to mainstream society.To quote James Morrison: “Who controls the media, controls the mind.” Most popular teen shows these days have some gay character romping about: Maxi from skins, that gay kid from Glee; his less stereotypical love interest, thrown in to silence those perturbed by constant token representations. Given that America is the factory of most of the stuff that’s on TV, (and I’m informed that a lot of people do indeed still watch TV) the state of their society can be a good gauge as to the direction mainstream Western culture is headed. An openly homosexual President is a wee way off methinks, but they have made some progress.

In regards to individual de-closeting, you don’t have to pour a tall glass of chardonnay, wield a soft cheese knife, throw your pinky out and make a toast. Just start with the doctrine, ‘if anyone asks, I’ll be honest’. It worked for me. It definitely makes you more well-liked and respected than, ‘it’s none of your business’, lying about it, or worse still leading on a female.

"She gave me a big hug and told me I was the best thing that’s ever happened to her."

with strong unwavering views, whether it’s due to passed-down family ideals, or because they’ve witnessed Jehovah, or whatever reason. If you’re reading this however, you’re likely in Wellington and away from home. If so, congratulations.

Nevertheless there will always be haterz no matter who you are. Those people however, are in a severe minority, especially in Wellington. You can take one look 22

Just remember, if you’re still in the closet by the end of university, it probably just means you aren’t drinking enough. ▲

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I

’ve never been good at one-night stands. This could be because I’ve only had two. The second one isn’t anything to write home about, so I won’t.

The first time started at a bar. This is back when I believed there was no such thing as a 'bad' consensual sexual experience.

I’d recently made a friend, and we were drinking through the end of my working week.

Your body changes when you start fulltime work. My relationship with alcohol did too. I’d found that I wasn’t drinking to get drunk, but to dull the brimming hatred that boiled within me after a thankless week in retail. This is a very slippery slope.

My new friend and I were enjoying ourselves. Like war or another shared cultural trauma, nothing brings people together like swapping stories of the service industry. He found his friend and went off to talk to her while I shared the bartop with my whiskey.

We got back to hers. The walk had taken it out of us both, and the booze was throwing my head around the walls. She was cute.

And really into me. Her flatmate was gone, and she had the house to herself. I pushed her up against the door of her bedroom and she arched her neck against my lips.

Two years later, I’d smell the same perfume she was wearing that night. It was trapped in the nylon weave of the

This was the perfect time to get rid of my shirt as I wiped the sick off without her noticing.

Excusing myself to the bathroom, I left the shirt in the corner and went into her room next door. She told me again that she loved The Smiths, and I couldn’t remember any of their songs.

We took all the proper precautions and got to it. Reading Wikipedia on the walk home I learnt "Determined to prove her wrong, I leaned that catastrophic erectile against her and the wall and awkwardly dysfunction is nothing to be made out." ashamed of after drinking.

passenger-side seatbelt of my dad’s car where his wife usually sits. Sweet and with a strong alcohol base.

Kissing her neck, the fumes finally tipped me over the edge, and I threw up gently over the woman’s now bare left shoulder.

In the morning we talked about her kids. Two weeks later I learnt that my favourite Smiths song is “Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before”, but I still hated Morrissey and his haircut. ▲

There was a girl standing next to me.

She was shorter, with striking black frames and a red dress. Cheeky smile, big piercing eyes. I had a camera with me for reasons still unknown. Maybe I wanted be The Next Big Thing in atrocious party photography, or maybe I was too lazy to walk home to drop it off.

She asked about it, and I gave some milquetoast answer about urban geography or some other bullshit I’d sponged from my flatmates' readings. Around then, I had a moment of self-reflection and started being charming. That’s that thing that happens when you hold a drink and a girl laughs at you.

We had some more drinks, some of which she bought for me. That set a psychic red flag off somewhere inside, and I suggested it might be a good idea for us to leave (together). Going well.

We were gone. Outside on the street, she ordered me to take photos of her poledancing—realy quite well—around a stop sign. I did, and they turned out so badly I deleted them in the morning out of embarrassment

By now she was calling me a 'homo', which was fair, considering she’d dropped literally every cue you could imagine someone could—and I hadn’t even touched her. Determined to prove her wrong, I leaned against her and the wall and awkwardly made out.

I S TA R T E D

SOMETHING I COULDN'T FINISH R E F L E C T IONS ON A NX I OUS LY CA S UA L S E X ✏ ANONYMOUS 23

of chatting/screaming. If the incredible revenue and consumption patterns are anything to go on, they must do.

Pornography, which for the sake of convenience we’ll define here as ‘sexually explicit material intended to arouse,’ is a gigantic industry. Exactly how much it earns, nobody knows. Quantifying the revenue of an incredibly large, diverse and kind of shady industry is haphazard at best, and estimations of industry turnover in the United States during 2006 (the most recent year where such speculations seem to be available) range up to $14 billion USD.

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“In nearly all hetero porn now there is a new emphasis on anal sex, painful penetrations, degrading tableaux, and the (at least) psychological abuse of women.

To illustrate the direction of the mainstream porn industry, it is most efficient to deploy a footnote from David Foster Wallace’s fantastic essay Big Red Son:

thought to be attributable to the increasing radicalisation of porn.

Others oppose it on religious or ideological grounds, the full array of which is outside the purview of this article. Feminists Because of the subject matter of this are widely divided on the issue, the two article (porn being rife with gendered dominant views differing on the way females are depicted in “...pneumatic young women and faceless, pornographic material: some view pornography as half-crazed men, organs f illing organs like ultimately offensive and a so many industrial pumps.” driving force behind the consumption patterns, the perpetuation commodification and objectification of of rape myths and, of course, the whole women, while others view porn as a vehicle underlying premise of women being sexual for sexuality, a method of expression and objects), it’s almost impossible to do justice self-definition. to the myriad perspectives and issues in I mentioned earlier that there is serious an article as brief as this. This article is concern about the effects of porn on not intended to be anything approaching habitual viewers, especially as it continues comprehensive or authoritative, but rather to become ever more accessible and a brief overview of a vast and contentious attitudes towards it continue to become topic. It should also be said that I bring more liberal. A really quite intimidating my own biases to the conversation—as volume of research exists on the subject, a young, straight, middle-class male of most of it focusing on the supposed exactly the same creed decried in the letters negative effects. Harms supported in the section last week, I certainly can’t claim to literature (to an extent—there are piles speak for all of you, so take my statements of conflicting findings) include changes with a grain of salt. Having now hopefully in perception of women—especially the inoculated myself somewhat from the perpetuation of rape myths, the concept inevitable accusations of intolerance that somehow women are all deeply (shoutouts to next week’s letters section), masochistic and ‘wanting it deep down’— I’d just like to say that researching this an increase in sexual aggression, sexual has been morbidly fascinating and that as addiction (an issue especially to people of you all have access to the same databases faith), and a suggested, but not particularly as me, it might be worth taking a look for well-supported, link between porn use and yourself. child abuse/rape incidence. Much of this is

out the summary of this article here: frequent pornography use is correlated with a number of effects, both positive and negative. All of these effects are relatively minor. Have fun getting off, or not, as you prefer.

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S

ome think otherwise, often citing a number of negative psychological effects or insisting the increasing consumption of pornography is hastening or indeed enabling some manner of social decay.

Another viewpoint deals with the positive effects of pornographic material on sexual awareness and education (as misleading as the depiction of the sexual act is in most porn), and the alleged liberalisation of

Also note that, due to personal preference, I’m only dealing with hetero porn here, and that there are a whole bunch of other sides to this story. For your convenience, and with the attention span of the average Salient reader in mind, I’m going to lay

attitudes towards sex. This article explores a few of these perspectives, some aspects of the industry, and the way society has reacted to it.

IF YOU’VE EVER HAD AN INTERNET CONNECTION, YOU’VE PROBABLY BEEN EXPOSED TO PORN, EITHER BY WAY OF AN INNOCENTLY MISSPELT URL, OR (MORE LIKELY) A DELIBERATE SEARCH. PORNOGRAPHY IS NOW MORE WIDESPREAD THAN EVER BEFORE. FOR MOST, THIS IS FANTASTIC: A PREDOMINANTLY FREE (MORE ON THIS LATER), READILY AVAILABLE SOURCE OF SEXUAL AROUSAL THAT YOU CAN USE TO GO ABOUT YOUR MASTUBATORY WAY (OR, AS SOME HAVE UNCONVINCINGLY SUGGESTED, WATCH IT FOR PURELY AESTHETIC REASONS) AND PAY NO FURTHER THOUGHT TO.

✏ CHRIS SALTER

WELC OME TO T HE WON DER S HOW

An emerging trend in research deals with the positive (or at least, benign) effects of porn consumption. Pornography is credited with liberalising attitudes towards sex and providing a source of sex education.

One theory is that pornography actually decreases the rate of serious sexual offenses, as it provides an outlet for otherwise dangerous urges. Porn has also had a role in normalising sex acts that were previously taboo, like anal and oral sex. And while I’m not sure if it’s exactly a positive (but I’m presenting it as one anyway), pornography use has been correlated with increased numbers of sexual partners.

In certain respects, this extremism may simply be porn’s tracing Hollywood entertainment’s own arc: it’s hardly news that TV and legit film have also gotten more violent and explicit and raw in the last decade. So maybe. And yet there’s something else. The psychodynamics of porn seem always to have involved a certain real degree of shame, self-loathing, perception of “sin,” etc. This has held both on the performing end—“I’m a nasty girl,” “I’m a little fuckhole”—and on the consumption end … The thing to recognise is that the adult industry’s newfound respectability creates a paradox. The more acceptable in modern culture it becomes, the further porn will have to go to preserve the sense of unacceptability that’s so essential to it’s appeal.”

Unsurprisingly, the overwhelming majority of porn is intended for consumption by men. This creates a tremendously unfair double standard—men who watch it are ‘normal’, while women who act likewise are perceived as ‘loose’—the whole ‘good girls’ not being interested in “...normalising sex acts that were previously sexual material phenomenon. taboo, like anal and oral sex.”

Evidently, though, there’s more at work. Pornography is Pornography presents a whole cornucopia characterised by pneumatic young women of issues far too complex to be adequately and faceless, half-crazed men, organs filling dealt with in such brevity, or by one writer’s organs like so many industrial pumps. perspective. You need to form your own Many people are opposed to porn simply opinions on pornography, whether you are because they view it as dull, mechanical sex a consumer or otherwise. Start with the divorced from reality and devoid of actual aforementioned essay Big Red Son, which human intimacy—and on the whole, it’s is really a terrific snapshot of the industry, true. Men seem to have a greater tolerance and branch off from there. But remember, if for what amounts to repetitive genital you think about it too much, watching smut action with a predictable series of positions seems altogether too much like work. ▲ and shots, complete with a soundtrack

Another thorny issue for pornography is that of sex-worker exploitation—a very real and widespread problem that, for space reasons, is beyond the scope of this article. Luckily, the matter has been the subject of public outcry in the last decade, and a large amount of writing (of a nature more comprehensive than I am capable of) is readily available. That can be your homework for today. Thankfully, despite the blind eye turned to copyright infringement, both governments and law enforcement agencies worldwide have been very effective in aggressively litigating against child pornography.

Interestingly, pornography is the single industry hardest-hit by online copyright infringement. For consumers, the impact of the internet on pornography has been welcomed, and in the current state of affairs paying for porn seems a foreign concept. Lawmakers seem reluctant to legislate against the rampant piracy; possibly because of the notion that porn, as occupying a moral grey area, is somehow unworthy of protection.

Suffice to say, it’s big, big business.

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love I N THE

time OF QUANTUM

PHYSICS “ DAR LIN G ... D O - D O Y O U B E L I EV E I N T H E G O D PART I C L E ? ” Ethan Hawke & Julie Delpy in Waking Life ✏ RENEE GERLICH

"THE COMMANDMENT OF LOVE BADE US NOT TO LOVE OUR NEIGHBOUR AS OURSELVES WITH THE SAME AMOUNT AND INTENSITY OF LOVE, BUT TO LOVE HIM AS OURSELVES WITH THE SAME KIND OF LOVE." James Joyce MUCH OF THE EVERYDAY TECHNOLOGY WE TAKE FOR GRANTED IS THE SIDE EFFECT OF RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT FOR WARFARE: PLASTICS, INTERNET, AEROPLANES, SATELLITES, NUCLEAR ENERGY—EVEN INSTANT COFFEE. NATIONAL SECURITY IS SUFFICIENTLY URGENT TO WARRANT THE COST AND EFFORT OF RESEARCH.

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ut is there an equal and opposite motivation in science? Does science—clinical and objective as we consider it—have an Aphrodite for its Ares, a Vishnu to its Shiva? My (steadfast and airtight) conclusion is Yes: alongside research and development in the interests of war and security, the equal and opposite motivator in science is pillowtalk.

Right now, deep in the earth under the Swiss-French border, scientists at CERN are firing atoms toward each other at destructive speeds, seeking to discover the

LOVE / LUST

‘Higgs Boson’. Also known as the God Particle, this is the potential indestructible remains of an atomic collision. If found, it will be deemed the building block of life. The experiment will either reveal this particle—or confirm that life is infinitely divisible, composed of energy.

The implications of being fundamentally material or immaterial are immense—not least because it could change, perhaps, love in the time of quantum physics.

each accidental contact.

Alas, this precedes the days of televised ACC advertising, and the electrician dies falling off a ladder. Charlotte turns to a more rural sort of love, that of a naturalist: full of pistils, stamens, carpels, stigmas and other raunchy aspects of vegetation.

Godwin is not a man of vast forces unseen, but of peaches and apples that blush, and coy precious stones that glint and sparkle.

Out of love he polishes and collects these for observation, and indulges "...love rarely goes unquestioned. It must be Charlotte as much; but she cannot be sure how long tested, its nature uncovered." he’ll marvel before he finds a Whether we consider it divinely designed specimen more perfect. or evolutionary accident—overwhelmingly In the hopeless setting of interwar France, vast or dismissably small—the strange and comfort is scarce and God pronounced precarious nature of human existence sees ‘dead’. Sartre’s Antoine is an existentialist us all seeking validation for our own. Not doomed to isolation through the nature fragile, fleeting or sentimental inspirations, of his being: a finite body with a self but robust validation—a reason to trapped cruelly inside like a prisoner. Life care, risk, partake. Underpinning what is an arbitrary assemblage of material constitutes this validation for each of us, forms—a chair here, a tree there— are ever-changing views on the nature of Antoine’s consciousness is a kind of tragic life itself. Always, though, validation must evolutionary incident doomed to elusive be irrefutably real: visceral and lasting. As containment. An acquaintance tries to each person is an infinity in the making, convert him to socialism, perhaps the the love of a human being is this kind of atheist’s last refuge. Bemused and beyond expansive, living validation. salvation, atomised and insular, Antoine This means that love rarely goes unquestioned. It must be tested, its nature uncovered. To follow is a crude escapade through history glimpsing ideas on the nature of life itself informing lovers’ mutual deconstruction.

First stop, seventeenth century: The Slave’s devout Jewish shepherd Jacob is tortured by his love for the beautiful Wanda. She pulls apart his worship of God to bring him close; he grapples with the possibility that this God who fashioned the pastoral landscapes he so admires may also have created such a fine distraction from the Torah. With his afterlife at stake, he agonised that she "blazed"—like a bread oven, said he—"with an ecstasy—was it from heaven or hell?"

By 1880s England, this blaze has a likeness to technologies more modern than bread ovens. Charlotte Mortimer tingles as Peter converts her to Electricity, the universe’s secret power, newly discovered—unifying, but unlike God, unjudging. "Think of the language of the liturgy", he coaxes.

"God is almighty, all powerful, invisible.

God is power, is creation and destruction, is energy, is the divine spark, the prime mover, the Light of the World"—an unseen force surges through them both on

can only observe his acquaintance try:

"the autodidact’s soul had risen to the surface of his magnificent blind man’s eyes. If mine does the same, if it comes and presses its nose against the window panes, the two of them can exchange greetings." Jean-Paul Sartre

At the same time, light, energy and x-rays are found to travel in lines—Dora Maar watches her lover, Picasso, blend his friends’ faces into a splintered haze of webs and dots, merging them with space, and the furniture. Henry Ford launches his automobile assembly line, and by 1949 Biff—in Death of a Salesman—finds his

Supertramp) would not suffer loyalty’s delusions nor have his heart possessed.

In the final scenes of the Dharma Bums, he boards a ship to Japan and flings his distraught girlfriend Psyche off it, shedding her, and involvement, like an addict.

Consider Jesus’ pronouncement: "I did not come to bring peace, but a sword...

He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me... He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it." Matthew, 10:34-39

Perhaps consciousness is neither transcendent as Japhy’s nor insular like Antoine’s, but language’s own portal.

John Donne reckoned that "more than kisses, letters mingle souls"—and the postmoderns would agree. Perhaps we cannot even think without language, have no self but that which it composes, no heavenly afterlife but our collective all-permissing buffet of words and signs—and no love but what they enable.

Or, perhaps love is earthlier: deep in the Congo, Kingsolver’s Orleanna finds the roots of her fierce maternal love watching the constant, merciless and determined regeneration of the jungle.

Mothers, writers, salesmen; prophets and institutions, Galileo, Darwin and chemistry, Rutherford and Einstein, Freud, Watson and Crick: people love themselves as their brand of love allows.

The lovers and partners of innovators have shaped our history by scrutinising and challenging them: ‘what kind of love is this?’ they may ask. ‘What would it have of me?’ Thrown off boats? Swallowed, absorbed, thwarted, ignored? The lovers’ challenge fuels a need to explore further and verify: perhaps progress is love itself at work, or language, art, God, people.

What of the quantum physicists at CERN? Their Large Hadron Collider is restaging a battle of, in fact, timeless "...Dora Maar watches her lover, Picasso, and epic proportions: Vishnu blend his friends’ faces into a splintered vs. Shiva, Tu vs. Tawhiri, haze of webs and dots..." energy vs. material. Will the victor determine the nature of father’s love steeped in capitalist economics life—and change the stakes in our quest for and materialism. Biff finally bursts, having validation? priced himself: "I’m one dollar an hour, "Here is the paradox of all human Willy! I tried seven states and couldn’t relationships: you have no need for a particular raise it... I’m nothing!" other in order for you to experience fully, A decade later, Kerouac’s barefoot bohemian Buddhist Japhy Ryder splits the materialist American world with a turn to the East. Consciousness was expansive to Japhy, a free spirit to the point of misogyny. Japhy (think Into the Wild’s

Who You Are, and... without another, you are nothing.

This is both the mystery and the wonder, the frustration and the joy of human experience.

It requires a deep understanding and total willingness to live within this paradox in a way which makes sense..." Neale Walsch ▲

"'Elrond!' the Wood Elf called the name, a swift gasp as he tried to steady his breathing and adjust to the sublime tension building in his groin..."

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POLYGAMY,

polyga-you WHY P O LY G A M Y S H O U L D B E L EG AL I SE D ✏ JACK SUTHERLAND

IT IS PERFECTLY REASONABLE FOR YOU, DEAR READER, TO HAVE CRINKLED YOUR BROW IN CONFUSION UPON READING THE TITLE OF THIS ARTICLE. WHAT IS POLYGAMY I HEAR YOU ASK? WELL, BASICALLY, IT’S WHERE YOU GET TO HAVE SEX WITH MULTIPLE PEOPLE AND NOT HAVE YOUR HUSBAND/WIFE GET MAD AT YOU BECAUSE, IN FACT, THE PERSON YOU DID IT WITH IS YOUR HUSBAND/WIFE AS WELL! INTRIGUED? YEAH, ME TOO. POLYGAMY, TRANSLATED FROM A GREEK WORD MEANING “OFTEN MARRIED”, IS THE ACT OF ENGAGING IN A MARRIAGE COMPRISING OF MORE THAN TWO PARTNERS. THE MOST COMMON FORM OF THE SOCIAL PRACTICE IS REFERRED TO AS POLYGYNY (WHEN A MAN MARRIES MULTIPLE WOMEN).

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G

uys, I know what you’re thinking, what kind of Jesus-type Adonis of a man could possibly handle more than one woman at a time? Just one can often be too much for even the best of us. In actual fact polygamy is, and has been, far more prominent globally than most people realise. Anthropological records have shown that polygamous relationships have featured in more than 85 per cent of societies at some point or another.

Today though, polygamy is a mere shadow of its former self and is practiced mainly only in tribal communities and by certain religious groups. Representatives for Islam have come forward in order to attempt to justify their faith’s endorsement of plural marriage and cite the emphasis placed on community obligation in the Qur'an as a primary factor; “As the Qur'an indicates (4:3), the issue of polygamy in Islam is understood in the light of community obligations towards orphans and widows.

Islam, as a universal religion that is suitable for all times and places, cannot ignore these compelling obligations.”

Muslims also see in polygamous marriage a solution to social faux pas seen in abundance in the west; “Islamic polygamy addresses the social problems of prostitution and extramarital affairs common in the West. Instead of cheating—infidelity is one of the top reasons for divorce in the West—Islam allows a man to marry more than one wife, with full recognition of the rights of both of them.”

Polygamy is not completely dead in the west though; America especially still enjoys the occasional draught from the bigamous cup with an estimated 50,000 people thought to be living polygamous lifestyles. The majority of this number is made up by fundamentalist Mormons who splintered away from popular Mormonism when the religion renounced polygamy in the 1800s. These independent sects believe that Joseph Smith had a revelation in the mid-1800s and announced that in order to replenish the earth and gain access to the celestial afterlife, men were to have as many wives and children as possible.

Even closer to home, polygamy enjoys some level of political contention.

Debates on the issue have arisen in New Zealand as recently as 2008 when Social Development Minister Ruth Dyson was quoted as saying that the government was

“moving to recognise triples (in the family unit)”. It’s a long way away from the nuclear family model, but it’s still a pretty explosive idea.

As expected though, polygamous societies in America have been subject to a lot of criticsm on the part of non-practisers and have enjoyed their fair share of scandals. In 2008 a raid on a Texas ranch belonging to The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS) resulted in multiple charges of bigamy and welfare fraud.

The social issues with polygamy reach far beyond legal indiscretions however, with the former leader of FLDS being sentenced to life imprisonment for multiple counts of sexual assault against a minor.

private, personal matter about which you should be able to make up your own mind?

It has long been understood in western society that the one ‘line in the sand’ which the government cannot cross in the process of their lawmaking lies across the door of the family home. Obvious exceptions exist in cases of domestic violence and other examples of gross misconduct, but does polygamy really fit into that category?

Should the ways in which we socially unite ourselves really be subject to governmental regulation?

The American Declaration of Independence possibly sums up the proper role of government the best; “We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that "Should the ways in which we socially unite among these are Life, Liberty, ourselves really be subject to governmental and the pursuit of Happiness. regulation?"

That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted Spectrum writer David Larson atrtibutes the among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed.” I prevalence of sexual abuse in polygamous interpret this to basically mean that if, as a communities to the form of “extreme stepping stone in my pursuit of happiness, patriarchy” that “often becomes a tyranny I choose to engage in a polygamous against women.” Bereft of influence, the abuse of these mothers’ children is one of the marriage (assuming that I’m not hurting anyone), the government not only has no “inherent dynamics of polygamy.” right to stop me but should be stripped of Examples of polygamy in the media are its power and deposed for even suggesting numerous and rarely complementary. that I do. Their only role in the whole The HBO show Big Love is the story of a Mormon man who has three wives and nine situation should be dealing with any perverse side-effects that might arise. But children and is forced to keep his lifestyle maybe that’s just me. secret for fear that his business will fail if he is discovered. Likewise the character of Okonkwo in Chinua Achebe’s Things Fall Apart has several wives in his village and is a prideful, violent man who frequently beats his wives and eventually commits suicide at the novel’s climax.

It really makes you think. With a practice that has enjoyed such prominence throughout our history and continues to be practiced and contended today, why do we, as cosmopolitan, educated young people internally cringe at the idea? Is it because it really is detestable in polite society? Or has it just suffered from a prolonged smear campaign from the mass media? Is the global decline in polygamous relationships perhaps a case of conservative western ethics encroaching on an ancient form of simple anthropological prudence?

And, no matter what your opinion on the issue is, doesn’t it seem like the kind of

The practical applications of polygamy in society are made pretty clear by the Muslims, and, when you consider the incredible malleability that the institution of marriage has enjoyed in the past, it seems pretty crazy not to allow a cheeky bit of bigamy in there somewhere (see the guy who married his cat (Germany), the woman who married the Eiffel Tower (France) and that one guy in China who married a cardboard cut-out of himself in woman’s clothing).

Polygamy is definitely an issue that can be contended ‘til the cows come home. With the institution of marriage in the state that it’s in now though, not to mention society at a whole, monogamy wouldn’t be the horse that I’d back. Perhaps all that we unhappy souls of the world need to do to lighten up is to get a bit o' polygamy going on. ▲

"Elrond worked to keep the degree of penetration exact, the force of each invasion precise, the length of each stroke perfect to ensure Legolas would remain in this state of elevated ecstasy."

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didn't eat a lot.

I shut off the television and things got quiet. I looked up at him. He leaned down and kissed me with just a soft sweet peck on the lips. I found myself wanting more.

"I don't know why I just did that." He said.

I didn't say anything in response and kissed him much more passionately in return.

One kiss turned into several heated ones and I felt myself growing wet. It had been a long time since I’d been kissed. I noticed that he himself was getting aroused too, by the uncomfortable looking bulge in his pants.

I led him down to the basement rather hurriedly and we continued on the futon. I threw my sweater onto the floor, too hot to keep it on any longer.

SOME

LITEROTICA AN E R O TIC S TO RY S A L I E N T F O U N D O N L I N E O N E L O N ELY NI GHT I N T HE OF F I CE ✏ MOONLITGODDESS©

I

t had been a long time since I had seen Jack. Thankfully now it was Winter Break and he was coming over to kick off New Years with me. Even though we weren't going to do anything but eat pizza, I still found myself wanting to be confident so I pulled out the only lingerie I owned and put it on with a cute sweater and jeans.

There was a knock on the door outside.

Jack came in with the pizzas. "Where are your parents?" He asked.

I shrugged. "They're coming back tomorrow."

We locked eyes for what felt like hours until he said, "oh, hey, I left the wine in the car."

We vowed that we would save the wine for midnight. Then we could bring in the

New Year as drunk as we wanted. He was extremely tall, but something about his thin body was graceful. I blushed and realized that I was staring. Truth was I had been crushing on him for years.

Jack pulled at the straps of my lacy cami and freed one of my breasts before he began to flick his tongue against my nipple. I felt my slickness now growing uncomfortable. It had been so long since either of us had had sex so we were totally desperate for each other.

I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. I pulled off the jeans and the lacy underwear I was wearing and took off his pants and boxers. He had the largest cock I had ever seen in real life.

He managed to whisper, "I want you so badly."

I said nothing and pressed my wetness against him. He slid himself inside of me slowly until I had all of him. I was so tight it was if I was trying to keep him in when he pulled back out. I had never dreamed of sex like this in my life.

I led him down to the basement rather hurriedly and we continued on the futon.

I threw my sweater onto the floor, too hot to keep it on any longer.

We sat down in the family room where the TV was turned to whatever was on. We’re not picky about movies so when we found a romantic comedy was the only thing on, he didn't complain.

I snuggled up close to him, seeing how he would react and he didn't seem to be bothered. He was too fixated on trying to devour an entire cheese pizza. I really

Many thanks to Daniel McQueen, whose typefaces have been featured on the cover and throughout this issue. He is part of an amazing team of typographers dedicated to providing you with low cost experimental typefaces.

30

I could feel my orgasm building and I came violently.

A couple more thrusts and he was finished too. The both of us were covered in our own sweat and fluids.

We heard fireworks all of a sudden. I glanced at the clock, which read 12:01.

"Well, that was way better than bringing in the New Year with a kiss. I think this is a nice sign that we are going to both have an incredible year." I said.

Jack nodded. ▲

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⚡ COLUMNS ⚡

☞

SAM NORTHCOTT

YOUR L♥VE IS NOT PURE

☞

UDAYAN MUKHERJEE

It’s great to have someone special in your life. It feels nice. And almost all of us don’t have to feel the pain and heartache of being forever alone eating 2-minute noodles over a personal candlelight. This is because the phenomenon of love figures large in human lives, and much more broadly than the kind of eroticised and/or romantic love that is valorised on awesome shows like Shortland Street.

I mean the kind of love that we have towards our parents, friends, flatmates, pets and smartphones–that which gives us an attachment to them and disposes us to treat them with a degree of devotion that we don’t extend to everyone else. But we don’t just love randomly. Most of us would say that we in fact have good reason to direct love towards the people we do. Maybe its because they make us happy, or because we are grateful for what they’ve done for us in the past, or because we think the world would be a better place if people were just more loving and stuff.

So now let’s stop and do a thought experiment. It’s somewhat grizzly. Imagine that you are at the end of a pier and two people are drowning out in the sea. You realise that you can save only one of them in time. But one is person you love dearly, and the other is just some random. Who do you save? Bernard Williams, the rascal who devised this scenario, takes it for granted that most people would save their loved one and in fact we’d consider it pretty dodgy if they chose not to. But he wants to

explore what would run through our minds as we made this decision. Presumably, he argues, we would be motivated to save them by thinking about the reasons why we love them and using those to justify our decision to let the other person die. But Williams famously claims that this may involve us engaging in “one thought too many” in our moral decision making. By this he means that we ought to be justified in saving our special friends just because we love them, and nothing more need enter our deliberations.

This example has been the starting point for many debates within moral philosophy about the extent to which our lives are really governed by the impartial norms that we like to think they are. We all tend to claim that we live our lives by general maxims like ‘do no harm’ or ‘be nice to those who are nice to you’. But it seems like when we really explore love, there is something going on within human psychology that is in deep conflict with impersonal platitudes like these. The challenge seems to be that some of our most important human relationships can’t be explained by our most popular ethical theories. You just know that things gon’ get wild in the ivory towers when this happens. Of course the alternative is just to make sure you always swim between the flags at the beach.

They are there for a reason, folks.

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FI LM

✏ ARTS ✏

WORLD

CINEMA SHOWCASE ☞

A CHOICE SELECTION GERALD LEE (FILM EDITOR)

For the cinema junkie, New Zealand’s geographical isolation is often a cause for despair. All too often our screens are polluted with the latest Michael Bay or Roland Emmerich blockbuster; films that offer different perspectives and worldviews are few and far between. Thank goodness, then, for the World Cinema Showcase, which brings us a multitude of international gems year in and year out.

In this critic’s opinion, this year’s line-up is simply fantastic. There’s something to sate everyone’s cinematic appetites.

While the focus appears to be on documentaries, there are a number of fantastic dramas and even some unexpectedly brilliant animated films continue reading for more.

THE TALL MAN

The Tall Man is, ostensibly, a story about how an Aboriginal man was beaten to death by a police officer. In reality, the film skilfully depicts the incident as a microcosm of the greater social issues faced by Australian society.

Stylish cinematography is melded with touching vignettes about the harsh realities of life in Aboriginal communities; idyllic island views are juxtaposed against images of abject poverty and the people whose lives have been shattered by this tragedy. Director Tony Krawitz manages to convey a sense of a broken community that feels disconnected from the 'white Australia' that has consistently

denigrated them, and it is impossible not to be struck by the gravity of the situation that his film so expertly illustrates.

Thankfully, for all the gravity of the subject matter, the film refuses to condescend to its audience. Instead of painting Hurley, the alleged murderer, as the epitome of evil, the film opts to judiciously examine the wider social context underlying his actions.

For an intelligent, affecting dissection of the racial divisions in Australia, look no further than The Tall Man.

ALOIS NEBEL

After fifty years of occupation by the Soviet Union, Czechslovakia is struggling to find a sense of itself as a nation, much as the titular Nebel, an aging stationmaster, tries to find a path to guide him. Uncertainty is this stunning film’s unifying theme, as everyone is unsure of their place within the world.

Its striking visual style is both enthralling and evocative, creating a memorable film whose images linger in the viewer’s mind.

Dialogue is scarce; the film is more interested in elegant expression than in blunt explanations and exposition.

The animation is stylish, with a sharp delineation between light and shadow.

The atmosphere that is generated is remarkably bleak, yet deeply involving.

Whilst light on narrative, there is no 32

question as to the film’s powerful visuals and ability to evoke emotion. For those who prefer animation to be an emotive tool, rather than mere eye candy, Alois Nebel will undoubtedly interest you.

HELL AND BACK AGAIN

This is a raw, unflinching examination of the effects of war, as expressed through the viewpoint of one soldier returning from Afghanistan, Nathan Harris.

Harris is laid bare for the audience, warts and all. His detached and cold demeanour is disturbing, yet captivating. Through him, the film finds an empathetic perspective that encourages us to recognise the psychological effects of war, even if we do not necessarily sympathise with him.

The intercutting between the war and its aftermath is seamless, and effectively develops how the instances of one period play into the other. A moment of quiet panic is juxtaposed against a harrowing battle, accompanied by appropriate audio cues; the camera refuses to shy away from these brutal sequences. It continually hovers over Harris, capturing the horrifying moments that these soldiers must endure.

All in all, it may be a disturbing and conflicting watch, but that also makes Hell and Back Again essential one.

✏ ARTS ✏

THE VBC 88.3FM TOP 5

their grunge-rock/pop vibe. Shitty reverb and echo vocals have been replaced by top of the line harmonies and perfect backing vocals; these elements made me miss the the heavy reverb and distortion exhibiting in tracks from their first album like ‘Crown on the Ground’. Those were tracks that, when played through a stereo system in close vicinity, made you feel as though you were on a massage chair.

L♥VE SONGS

☞

NICK PETRICEVIC

1. AL GREEN - 'LET'S STAY TOGETHER' Funky Lovin’

2. CONNAN MOCKASIN - 'FOREVER DOLPHIN LOVE'

SLEIGH BELLS

Whatever floats your kaleidoscope?

3. THE BEATLES - 'HERE THERE AND EVERYWHERE'

A true classic and because it’s better than Dead Or Alive’s 1985 smash hit ‘You Spin Me Right Round (Like A Record)'.

4. TALKING HEADS - 'THIS MUST BE THE PLACE (NAIVE MELODY)'

The soundtrack to your conception from the x-mas work party your parents attended in ‘83.

5. THE STROKES - 'I’LL TRY ANYTHING ONCE' Maybe not necessarily a love song but beautiful nonetheless.

MU S I C

REVIEW - REIGN OF TERROR

☞

ZACH WALLACE-BELL

Full disclosure: I will start with saying that I am a big fan of Sleigh Bells’ first album, so I went into Reign of Terror with high expectations.

Audio-wise, the whole album is a fuckload more 'glossy'. Tracks sound tighter and audio quality is exceptional.

My only complaint is, with this glossy sound, Sleigh Bells have lost some of

Reign of Terror is still near-perfect, though. First single ‘Comeback Kid’, with its double-kick action and heavy guitar riffs in the chorus, made me want to jump around the room and fuck things up.

Other highlights include ‘Born to Lose’, an impressive track full of Sleigh Bells’ lyrical genius, and deploying a clever sample of lead singer Alexis Krauss’s voice alongside the ever-present AC/DC riffs and late 80’s harmonic guitar entries; and ‘True Shred Guitar’, a cut more like a heavy guitar riff tribute than its poppy album counterparts, a nice change from the very clean aesthetic of those tracks.

Overall, Reign of Terror is a pretty magnificent album that lives up to the legacy of the band’s first album, Treats, without a doubt. Reign of Terror left me feeling like I didn’t have fucking ears, while still being electronic enough to dance to. Sleigh Bells, I love you. off with a thrashing fuzzy guitar before a soaring psychedelic vocal swoons in to whisk us off for a ride. This culminates in a catchy synth laden chorus and then back again. Basically it’s just a real catchy pop song. It’s got a great video too, which captures the vibe of the song really well.

The other song 'Feels Like You' is almost better than the first with the great line repeated throughout “you’re a danger to yourself, a danger to no one else.” This layers over a cycling guitar line and a driving drumbeat.

SPLASHH! ☞

PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC FOR THE MELENCHOLY NICK PETRICEVIC

Splashh are a new two-piece band based in London, England making a unique brand of sickly sweet pop tunes. The singer is originally from the Auckland band Brain slaves (formally The Coshercot Honeys) who released one EP in 2007 called We Are All Lions before splitting.

Splashh is still an incredibly young as a band and have only been releasing music for a month now via Soundcloud.

As of the moment there are currently six tracks posted. Washed out psychedelic

vocals, stark metallic reverbs and tinny buzz saw guitars all combine to create a sort of lo-fi candy coated psychedelic melancholy, a style that seems to be making quite a resurgence recently through bands such as Tame Impala and Unknown Mortal Orchestra.

Two of my favourite songs they have released so far are 'All I Wanna Do' and 'Feels Like You'. 'All I Wanna Do' starts 33

For a budding band it would be unfair to call them copycats but they defiantly wear their inspirations on their sleeve, their music is reminiscent of the sound of the indie bands from the late '80s and early '90s such as Chapterhouse and The Jesus & Mary Chain. Having said this it will be awesome to see how it develops over time and with the release of their first EP which is still unannounced. It will also be cool to see how they bring their songs to a live context as there are far too many layers of sound to perform as just a two piece; only time will tell.

Anyways check 'em out, make your own mind up!

You can find Splashh’s music on soundcloud.com/splashh-band

TH EATRE

✏ ARTS ✏

WHATS ON ABOUT TOWN BATS

THE LARAMIE PROJECT: 10 YEARS LATER

By Moises Kauffman and the Tectonic Theatre Production. Directed by Daniel Williams and Katharine McGill.

This week is the final week for this “superbly assured” production, whose energy and dedication ensure “the production remains thoroughly absorbing.” TYP:10YL has been rather popular – don’t miss out!

Runs until 5 April (no shows 1/2 April), 8:30pm. Tickets: $20/$14.

THESE ARE THE SKELETONS OF US Written and Directed by Chris Neels.

We collect records that chart our progress on the long march towards the grave. These objects provide a way for us to examine a particular relationship.

Further, they provide opportunity for some creative breaking of the unity of time.

Runs until 5 April (no shows on 1/2 April), 6:30 pm. Tickets: $18/$14

PROFILE

BRYNLEY STENT ☞

NEAL BARBER (THEATRE EDITOR)

▴▴ ▴▴ ▴▴

NAME: Brynley Stent AGE: 22 years old QUALIFICATION, YEAR: Bachelor of Performing Arts (Acting) at Toi Whakaari, 2nd year

How long have you been acting?

My debut performance was as ‘Reindeer #4’ in our preschool nativity play at age 3.

What got you into acting in the first place?

Originally my parents forced it on me: I was a quiet child and they put me into after school drama lessons to become more outgoing. I remember going to my first lesson and it was filled by kids who spoke with creepy fake British accents and could name every one of Shakespeare’s plays at age 8. I declared I hated acting, I would never go back. It was only when I reached high school and realised that I could affect others with my acting­—whether that meant making someone laugh, or simply think about

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something a little more deeply—that I really started getting into it.

What is it about acting that you love?

I suppose at the bare bones of it, I’m still a child at heart and love playing make-believe on a daily basis. There is something incredible about being able to take an audience into another world, or stepping into the shoes of a person who is totally different to you. I guess everyone has a craving for that escapism in some way; it’s just that I’m doing it on a stage instead of playing a video game or getting drunk to make myself feel more confident. I’m not a very articulate person—I’m never going to be a good lawyer or politician—but acting is a way I can really change things.

How has it been bringing Gruach to life in Dunsinane?

It’s been a scary, but rewarding process.

Gruach is basically the future Lady Macbeth, and because she is one of Shakespeare’s most famous females she is a pretty daunting character to be given, especially in your second year at drama school! But the playwright has written 34

an amazing script, with a lady Macbeth who is just as scary and power-driven as Shakespeare’s one, but more relatable!

It was so much fun discovering that backstory and bringing this cold, warravaged Scotland to life.

What is the best part you have played and why?

In 2010 I played a crazy old lady called ‘Mama Lombardo’ who invites a young door-knocking Mormon boy into her house in God’s Other Children. The director set the play in a room full of gypsy junk and basically told us to go wild. There were props smashed, unexpected interactions with the audience and half the script was changed and improvised every night. It was amazing because no show was ever the same.

What would be your dream role and why?

I recently saw Raoul through the Christchurch Arts Festival, and although I wouldn’t want to play that exact character (it would be hard for me to drop 20 kgs and change gender), I love the idea of travelling a physical theatre show around the world.

✏ ARTS ✏

VI S U A L A RTS is, digital images that could be attached to the walls of simulated battlegrounds for other players to see.

COUNTER-MILITARY HACKTIVISM ☞

THOMAS PHILLIPS

In 2002, a group of new media artists banded together to create an online ‘hacktivism’ project, one that remains active to this day. The project is called Velvet-Strike—a form of media intervention that peacefully disrupts the experience of those playing the violent computer-game Counter-Strike.

Counter-Strike uses the internet to connect multiple players to the same digital landscape. Once connected,

players team together to shoot their opponents to death, communicating through text and voice channels. Far from a common online hoax, Velvet-Strike’s disruptions protest the trivialisation of gun violence and warfare by infiltrating the virtual world that simulates it. The project’s signature form of protest quickly became online graffiti. A website was set up by the artists that allowed players of Counter-Strike to download ‘sprays’, that

The sprays range from heart-warmingly sentimental to bleakly ironic; on one wall a player might encounter an image of two enemy combatants poised for an intimate kiss. On another, a stick figure with a gun pointing towards its mouth proclaims that “war is funny!” Perhaps the spray that best symbolises Velvet-Strike’s sentiment is an image of the phrase, “hostages of military fantasy”. Disruption of gameplay through performative interventions was also encouraged by the website. Groups of players were urged to arrange their characters into the shape of a heart while chanting messages of love into their microphones and refusing to open fire on opponents.

What makes Velvet-Strike such a fascinating piece of new media performance art is just how drastically it re-contextualises its medium. For members of the counter-military taskforce, the sole objective of the computergame morphs from ‘kill or be killed’ into ‘promote peace and love’.

the pieces in the small space of the Dean.

TE AHUA NEI: FORM AND CONTENT ☞

ROBERT KELLY

The Deane Gallery is a fascinating little bastard but, due to its habit of lurking away at the top of the City Gallery, it often escapes the attention of visitors. This is something which requires redressing, as it is one of the most consistently interesting and challenging gallery spaces in our fair city. The small, slightly isolated space is dedicated to showcasing and exhibiting art from Pacific and Maori spheres of the visual arts, in Aotearoa and from out across the wine dark seas. Whenever I go to the City Gallery I find myself a little underwhelmed; once upstairs however, ensconced in the Deane Gallery, all such concerns evaporate.

The current exhibit, an accompaniment to the scintillating Obstinate Object exhibit, is an utterly fascinating and distinctly challenging ensemble that approaches narratives between Maori, Pacific, European, and universal worlds with a surprising clarity. Works by Susana Lei’ataua and Gina Matchitt have been drawn together under the banner of Te Ahua Nei: Form and Content, and the juxtaposition of artists and the forms they use is excellent; there is a pervasive and wonderful sense of engagement between 35

Matchitt’s works ‘Kuini’ and ‘Cook and the Bro’s’ utilise an interesting form that resembles collage, portraiture and pacific weaving all at the same time.

This is especially true in ‘Kuini’, where the silhouette of Queen Elizabeth II is interlaced with images of women from the private, personal sphere. I’m still unsure whether the intimation of the word Kuia in the title is intentional, but perhaps that is the point. Matchitt’s sculptures directly challenge the way in which we view our private and public histories, but they are also deeply amusing and, in an odd way, quite beautiful. Lei’ataua’s Wall of Light sculpture references her current home in New York, and the visible response to the disaster of 9/11 on the streets of the city in 2001.

While this exhibit is wonderful and raises issues of definition in the worlds of daily life and artistic discussion, this is really a love story about the Deane Gallery; it’s your friend, pop in for a chat and a hug.

CORRECTIONS The Tekoteko figure discussed in the article Hitch Yo’Self was of Te Rangihiroa, or Sir Peter Buck, not of Wiremu Parker as was written. Deepest Apologies.

Last Week’s article Collecting Contemporary was in fact by Morgan Ashworth, not Rob Kelly as stated.

B O O KS

✏ ARTS ✏

Gladwell surmises that this is because of his family background. Langan was raised in poverty by an abusive stepfather, and therefore failed to develop the social skills that he needed to charm and cajole his way through university or into academic journals.

This is the general theme of Outliers: your innate talent doesn’t actually matter that much. Rather, your success and failure can be predicted simply by looking your circumstances.

MALCOLM GLADWELL'S OUTLIERS ☞

MICHAEL KUMOVE

Why are successful people successful?

This is the question that Malcolm Gladwell sets out to answer in Outliers, and his answer—like most things he writes—is extremely interesting.

For Gladwell, the answer is a resounding no. Success is largely predetermined by factors such as demographic trends, family situation and cultural background.

Successful people, he says, succeed simply because they get lucky. Unsuccessful people fail because they do not get lucky. But this does not gel with what received wisdom tells us.

If you work hard and “apply yourself”, aren’t you supposed to be able to succeed, no matter what?

How, for example, could a man like Chris Langan fail to be successful? Langan is reputed to be the “smartest man in America” with an IQ of around 200—yet he works as a nightclub bouncer and has failed to have any of his amateur academic papers published.

Being born at a time of low birthrates, for example, leads to labour shortages which makes finding a job later on much easier.

Far from being a function of your own hard work, success is more often due to underlying structural factors over which we have little control.

Outliers isn’t perfect, though. Gladwell too often draws tenuous links between his “data”—which is usually just a single anecdote—and his conclusions. This isn’t really a problem, though, because he is writing primarily to entertain, and Outliers is certainly entertaining. I ploughed hungrily through most of it in a single sitting. A truly rigorous analysis would require endless tables, charts, and figures, and this would get in the way of what Gladwell does best—telling great stories in a lively, informative way.

OUTLIERS - MALCOLM GLADWELL, 2008

"...THE ROYAL TELESCOPE WON’T FUNCTION WITHOUT A SIXPENCE IN THE SLOT..."

☞

is okay. Along the way they encounter pervasive frustrations: the royal telescope won’t function without a sixpence in the slot, the clocks must all be set two minutes forward every day, and important letters are continually lost in the post.

The reader quickly begins to experience discomfort as the nonsensical rules of this dream world intensify and become increasingly familiar.

A CRUEL BIRD CAME TO THE NEST AND LOOKED IN ERIKA WEBB

Bus driver turned cult novelist Magnus Mills (The Scheme for Full Employment, All Quiet on the Orient Express) has just released his latest work, the quirky and perceptive A Cruel Bird Came to the Nest and Looked In. Set in a faraway empire, it reads like a fairy tale with its childish, rhythmic prose and charming images–a tremendous orchestra in a theatre like a yellow cake, and bumbling characters with names like Whimbrel and Garganey.

Nevertheless, a messy array of political satire lies just beneath the innocent surface, where the inept bureaucracy of the Empire struggles to find the missing Emperor and save their homeland from invasion and decay. The prominent officials succeed less due to their intelligence or ability, and more due to their acting skill as they endeavour to hold up the illusion that everything 36

As danger looms from over land and sea, the recurring phrase, "things must be done properly or not at all" quickly turns sinister, echoing our own frustrations with procedures and protocols. The most disconcerting thing about Cruel Bird is its tendency to resemble real life, no matter how surreal and fantastical it becomes.

Mills’ parody of modern politics is both easy to read and deeply funny, while subtly giving insight into our nonsensical lives.

✋

REPRESENTATION & SERVICES ✋

L A I T N E D I S PR E ADDRESS

VUWSA IGM DRAWS TENUOUS LOVE ACTUALLY LINK

☞

BRIDIE HOOD

Have you ever seen that film Love Actually? It’s brilliant. I love it. It begins so well with a monologue by the adorable Hugh Grant as the film’s bachelor Prime Minister David.

He told us that whenever he got gloomy about the state of affairs in the world, he would think about the arrivals gate in Heathrow Airport. We begin to see footage of families, friends, and lovers greeting each other at the gate. It’s a story of connection–and with Colin Firth in it, it’s a fantastic film.

Likewise, whenever I get gloomy about the state of affairs of this university, I think about the hustle and bustle throughout our university libraries. I think of the excitement of trimester one as the new students walk these corridors for the first time, looking with optimism at the future that lies ahead of them.

They go on to make new acquaintances, new friends, and new lovers. This is a university that centres itself around academia, but it’s also a space for an experience. It gives us all a space to live our lives.

One reason VUWSA was established was to formally recognise the connection we each have as students. It’s an association of people. We’re here to make your time

at Victoria the very best that it can be.

At times, that formal aspect means that we have important student meetings to ensure that our relationship is an open one. That said, I don’t want you to date other students’ associations. I want us to go steady. But our relationship needs to be two way. Sure, the executive can sometimes do it by itself, but we’re so much better when we do it together. By “it”, I mean the work of VUWSA.

little stifling. Sometimes we just don’t do a very good job of communicating things without sounding a bit boring. So we’ve changed. The “annual report” has been turned into an “impact report”. It’s easier to get your head around. It tells you what we were up to in 2011 when you might have thought we were a bit distant.

The report talks more specifically about the work that VUWSA has done to help students in 2011. Like, for example, when we were late to lunch with your parents that time, it was because "THE POINT REMAINS: IT’S THE HUSTLE AND we running late after giving out 68,530 bus tickets, BUSTLE THAT KEEPS US TOGETHER." overseeing 2,200 student vaccinations, and assisting our mate’s That’s why we have student meetings clubs with $65,020 in clubs grants. like the VUWSA Initial General Meeting held last week. It provides a space for students to know what VUWSA has been up to and gives an opportunity for you to give your feedback.

It gave us an opportunity to change some things, like when students decided whether to vote for or against constitutional amendments. It gives us an opportunity to sit down and think about our strategic direction. Like, honestly, and peering into each others' souls. I love you, boo.

That report is kind of like an open love letter... Kind of. It lets you know what we’ve been up to. It’s online if you want to take a look. The point is, boo, we’re still here for you. We’re constantly trying to think about new ways of staying in touch, like the iPhone and Android app we recently put out. We’re getting all up in the Twitter, too. The point remains: it’s the hustle and bustle that keeps us together.

Don’t forget though, whenever you’re feeling gloomy, come and see us.

But I accept that VUWSA has been a

And remember: Colin Firth is a total babe.

37

✋

VUWSA

WELFARE OFFICER

MURSE. A DIVISIVE CONCEPT.

☞

RORY MCCOURT

Murse. A divisive concept. Why, you ask? In the last two weeks, I’ve been trying to convince a friend that I am a male nurse. It’s not that she doesn’t believe that I’ve personally been administering injections as part of VUWSA’s Free Flu Shot programme (which is going great!

Have you had yours yet?). It’s simply that she doesn’t believe murses exist. Now, my friend is no bigot. She’s as progressive as the next Marx and Engels. So what’s her problem?

REPRESENTATION & SERVICES ✋

Well, my friend is the Rick Santorum of the occupational world: she’s a denier.

She pretends murses aren’t a thing and that the blurring of gender-specific employment roles hasn’t been happening since the French went bananas in ‘68.

But times change. Things happen.

Ostrichification is not an option. So when Voluntary Student Membership (VSM) passed and Peter McCaffery let out a soft moan, our world changed.

Something happened.

Taking on the role of Welfare Officer, I acknowledge that VSM will have a large impact on what we do and how we do it. And so it should. Our challenge now is to take stock and begin the fight for a better deal for students going into the future. That means more efficient use of student money, better engagement with students and a renewed drive to reflect the aspirations and needs of those we seek to represent.

In the welfare portfolio, I’ll be looking at how we can reduce the cost of

programmes like Campus Angels, a service very few of us use each year. No, this doesn’t mean cuts; it means exploring the use of incentivised volunteers, instead of paying staff. What are your thoughts?

Flick me an email at welfare.officer@ vuwsa.org.nz to have your say on the future of Campus Angels.

A greater effort will also be made to reflect the aspirations and needs of you, our students–like questioning Victoria’s lack of consultation around Student Forum, or calling on the Government to lift student loan living cost payments, student allowances and course-related cost limits. Did you know course-related cost limits haven’t gone up since the early 1990s? Barney would be horrified.

Purple dinosaurs aside, it’s set to be a challenging year ahead. There’ll be tough decisions to be made and new battles to be fought. But I’m confident VUWSA and students can come out better off; if we’re prepared to work together, if we’re prepared to fight for it.

"The result was most gratifying, for Legolas jerked and twisted beneath him, knees falling open to either side, hands grappling with the springy moss as his back arched and his eyes sealed shut, transformed into this decadently writhing creature by absolute pleasure."

WHY HAVE A SEXUAL HEALTH CHECK To make sure you don’t have any Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), because some STIs have no symptoms.

WHEN TO HAVE A SEXUAL HEALTH CHECK Anytime you are experiencing unusual symptoms, such as burning when you pass, an unusual discharge or you notice lumps and bumps where there weren’t any before. Other times are two weeks after you have had sex with someone new or two weeks after the end of a sexual relationship. Testing at these times covers the incubation periods of the most common infections.

INCUBATION TIMES

SEXUAL HEALTH! Sexual Health Checks available at Victoria University. How convenient is that!

The Student Health Service (SHS) offers all current students free* or low cost sexual health consultations at our clinics on the Kelburn and Pipitea campuses.

Worried about having a check? Don’t be— we will be able to put you at ease about how simple and quick a sexual health check can be.

Incubation time refers to the time from when you may have been infected with a STI until you can be tested for its presence. Generally the STIs can be divided into two groups: those which we can test for in three weeks, e.g. chlamydia and gonorrhoea, and those which need to be tested for in three months such as HIV and Hepatitis.

WHAT IS INVOLVED WHEN YOU HAVE A SEXUAL HEALTH CHECK? We know how daunting it can be to make that first appointment. It is fine if you want to bring a friend with you or you can ask for a chaperone. The consultation starts with history-taking. This clinical

38

information helps us to decide which tests we would recommend.

Before you are examined, the procedure will be explained so there will be no surprises. The physical examination involves checking the genital area.

For women, swabs will be taken from the vagina and cervix and a urine test maybe be requested. Men will require a chlamydia urine test and occasionally a swab may be taken. The swab is very small. To ensure the test is accurate, it is recommended that the specimens be taken at least two hours after you last passed urine.

If you have any questions on any aspects of your health—including sexual or reproductive health—make an appointment at the SHS. You can be confident that you will be provided with skilled and sensitive professional care from our doctors and nurses.

Other places to have a STI check include your regular medical centre, or a Family Planning (FP) clinic. The Sexual Health Service at 275 Cuba Street is also available and there is no charge for anyone to be seen there. Call 0800 188 881 for more information.

WEBSITE FOR INFORMATION REGARDING STIS AUCKLAND SEXUAL HEALTH SERVICE www.ashs.org.nz *Additional laboratory charges apply for non-New Zealand residents.

✋

☞

REPRESENTATION & SERVICES ✋

NGAI TAUIRA ANDREW DONNELLY

E toru nga mea, Nga mea nunui, E ki ana, Te Paipera, Whakapono, Tumanako, Ko te mea nui, Ko te aroha.

Most of you are probably familiar with this waiata. It is often sung at the beginning of a communal project or gathering. Why is this so?

When we come together we must put aside our differences. It is a matter of growing up and taking our business seriously. We start fresh but these things—faith, hope and love— remain. Faith, believing in the ability of each other to do their job. Hope gives us a target; what we want to achieve. Finally, love—the most important thing.

Here’s a saying “Tapu, tapu te korero.” It reminds us of the sacredness of our words. Aroha,—love—is often thrown around without really being thought about. It’s used as a nice sentiment; but aroha is more than this, it is life giving.

Has someone told you they love you? Did it make you smile?

Love requires action and it must be selfless. Love doesn’t require someone to make the first move or for there to be any benefits as a result. Love has its own rules.

We can learn how to do the right thing but the rules can limit this. Love is above reason and has no limits; there isn’t a river too wide for love to cross. Aroha is powerful; it gives a person the strength to do things that were once thought impossible.

As Easter approaches, we are given the image of a man nailed to a cross in the name of love. Are you willing to give your life for the freedom of another? Are you willing to put your reputation on the line? Are you willing to break social norms?

Are you prepared to listen?

Aroha is unconditional, through good times and bad it will remain. It shows us the good in people; it causes us to believe for the best and to keep hope for the future. It is aroha that binds and keeps us together.

☞

FEMME INVISIBILITY REBECCA MILLER

Picture a lesbian. What do you imagine? I bet she doesn’t wear dresses or skirts. Probably no make-up, or very little. Big boots, Docs probably, shirts and jeans. Short hair. The thing is, even other queers can instinctively come up with a similar image—this is the Stereotypical Lesbian.

Popular myth would have you believe that liking girls somehow turns you into a tomboy, or maybe even a trucker dude.

Well, I like girls. I also like wearing superhigh-heeled shoes, and look pretty good in red lipstick, if I do say so myself (it’s my colour, really).

This is femme invisibility: a lesbian phenomenon in which a feminine-looking

lesbian has difficulties in convincing the dyke world that she’s gay, or being seen by other lesbians at all.

and a forearm tattoo? Hell no. Effing Dykes has a simple uncompromising solution to staying girly and gay.

It happens everywhere: femmes feel like they’re not recognised as part of the LGBTQ community, but are instead assumed to be ‘fag hags’ by the more obvious lady-gays; these girls in turn assume true femmes are some sort of mystical butterfly that they can fantasise about but probably never find.

▴▴ ▴▴

As the Invisible Femme, it probably took you a while to even reconcile yourself as being queer. When you don’t look like the classic lady-lover, you can take a lot longer to figure things out. Night after night, I bet you put on a pretty dress and waited on the side-lines of some gay gig while that cute-skinny-boi-dyke neglects to take you seriously. Who can blame her? You just don’t look gay.

So, what to do? Just bite the bullet? Lose the bra and lippy for drop-crotch jeans 39

Coming out to everyone Wearing something gay (read: rainbow or Tegan and Sara) ▴▴ Confidence. A dykey swagger goes a long way. ▴▴ Being brave. Sometimes it’s as easy as a ‘hi, wanna dance?’

But of course it’s not just the femmes’ responsibility to get noticed—other ladyqueers need to help us out a bit here.

Don’t assume we’re straight because we wore a dress to the club and are having a laugh with the boys. We can be just as gay as you are and still hate beer and adore vodka cocktails. So take a chance, okay? The worst that can happen is that she really is straight and says ‘oh sorry, I like guys’; the best that can happen is, well… what are you doing Friday night?

Because she’s all yours.

⚡ COLUMNS ⚡

THINGS ☞ PHOEBE MORRIS

YOU ALREADY KNOW BUT JUST NEED

TO BE TOLD IT’S NOT HOW YOU SAY IT’S WHAT YOU SAY.

☞

UTHER DEAN (CHIEF SAGE)

You have listened to enough music, read enough poetry, and spoken to enough hairpullingly pretentious wankers to know that people, these days, don’t listen. They just wait to talk, and when they talk it’s just noises, man, not ideas. Communication is no longer the sharing and development of concepts, just the spitting of vocal cud by sheeple. Apparently.

As frustratingly obtuse and usually willfully ignorant as the people who express such broad strokes nihilisticisms (usually couched in swathes of equally ill thought out magical thinking) can be, they are kinda right. Which is annoying.

But not as annoying as all the times that you realise that the greatest cliche of all is that cliches are cliches because there is some element of truth to them. You already know that we live in a world that values style before content, but what you need to be told is that the impetus is on you to change that.

The act of creation and sharing is amazing. It is one of those things that probably separates us from the animals.

I know there is probably some animal behaviour specialist out there scoffing into their rum and raisin smug muffin (smuffin) at that statement but, well y’know, I’d like to see an elephant write

Ulysses. So there. We have already discussed in this column how as we feel the cold tightness of our mortality we turn to our ideas for our immortality. But people seem to be forgetting the idea part of that.

Our generation is obsessed with the making of things, with creative expression. Youtube, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest. All our hobbies are no longer based around enjoying the narratives of others but finding and refining the lenses through which we view our own. We write our lives into existence. That is, without doubt, a good

can express themselves. Most people do.

But making something is the easy part.

Finding what you want to do with that mode of expression is the important and hard part. There is no one kind of person responsible for the hot empty morning breath of non-ideas that fogs every mode of expression. No one is to blame for this because everyone is to blame for this.

Everyone does it, especially you, and how we change it, how we raise the quality of any discourse is to remember that quality is what counts. Not quantity.

You need to get used to the fact that not everything you think and say is

"YOU NEED TO GET USED TO THE FACT THAT NOT EVERYTHING YOU THINK AND SAY IS GENIUS WORTH SHARING WITH THE WORLD." and worthwhile thing. However that post-modern renarrativisation of our lives is not the same as the grotesque, vapid, porridge gray lip flap of empty nothingnesses that often sits very much along side it.

It boils down to this one easy simple rule—If you have something to say, something to express, some new thought to distribute, say it. If you don’t, wait until you do before you open your maw.

Anyone can make something, anyone 40

genius worth sharing with the world.

Censorship is only bad when it is external and what this overabundance of modes of expression has done is remove our useful internal controls. You need to train yourself to ask of everything you put out in the world whether you really care about it, let alone whether other people will. You will find, oddly often, that you don’t and, you know what, that’s okay. No one is a genius all the time, and the only people that think they are aren’t at all.

⚡ COLUMNS ⚡

Hi Roxy. I am in a bit of pickle: I am a highperforming student, with really big involvement in extra-curricular activities. I am by no means a genius, but I have really high grades and like to think of myself as being a smart guy. Now, here’s my problem: I dumped my last girlfriend because she was just too dumb. Yeah, I know it sounds really shallow, but I just don’t think I can be in a relationship with someone who isn’t as smart as me. Is that wrong? Should I be more accepting?

Please help me

If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately and confidentially with a professional, rather than a magazine columnist, Student Counselling Service can provide a safe place to explore such aspects of your life. The service is free and confidential. Phone 04 463 5310. Email counselling-service@vuw.ac.nz.

Visit Mauri Ora, Level 1, Student Union Building.

ROXY

PRUDENCE

Smart, and modest to boot! Roxy doesn’t hold it against you, though, having herself achieved a perfect GPA in the school of hard cocks. Anyway, putting aside the incredibly obvious insecurity you have about your intelligence, Roxy thinks you’re not actually acting in the wrong.

It’s completely normal to want to be in a long term relationship with someone with whom you have things in common: that is what makes it relationship-material rather than simply a fuck buddy/friends with benefits scenario. So yeah, if you think that being “dumb” is a deal-breaker, that’s totally your prerogative.

The other day I was watching a documentary called Idiocracy, and I have to say it really struck me how important eugenics is to the future of our society. I think that not only are you not 'wrong' for refusing to sully your advanced genetics with the chaff of the proletariat, I think you are actually fulfilling a moral duty to save Western civilisation as we know it.

This is a theme Roxy has dealt with a couple of times now, and it bears repeating. There is a strange tendency in our society for people to deny their own feelings because they want to be “fair” to the other person. This means that people stay in loveless or sexless relationships because they don’t think it’s okay for them to exit. The thing is, though, that staying in such a relationship, and pretending that it is what you want, is particularly unfair on the other person. It makes it much more likely you will lie or cheat when you have the opportunity. It also denies the other person the chance to meet someone who more genuinely appreciates them. In other words, it’s okay to have high standards, if those standards are genuinely what you require from a relationship.

Just remember, though, that having such high standards can limit your opportunities. You might be fine with that, but if not, it’s always good to be selfreflective about what truly matters and what doesn’t.

Let me paint a picture for you. On one hand, we have the status quo, where people breed for 'love' and 'emotional connection' and all other sorts of liberal propaganda. This world will eventually devolve into a morass of stunted pygmy tax-takers who sit there and cry for hand outs while our transcontinental trains begin to shut down. On the other hand, we have a world where people exercise a little prudence regarding who they make babies with. This world will have a permanent tory majority, all sorts of amazing technological marvels, and trains that run on time. I know which world I’d rather live in!

Of course, breeding isn’t the end of the matter. You also have to make sure your children grow up to be fighters. That’s why when my youngest was five, I sent him on an exciting Ugandan summer camp experience I saw advertised on the internet. Since he’s come back, he’s a changed person: sometimes when he’s mad I see the look of a true capitalist in his eyes. In fact, I have already enrolled him in Goldman Sachs’ internship programme. xoxo Prudence.

Love, Roxy <3

EAT YOUR FUCKING GREENS

41

⚡ COLUMNS ⚡

NOTHIN' BUT NET

A MATCH MADE IN HELL

☞

JOE GALLAGHER

Sometimes things just click.

Things like coffee and chocolate, Ross and Rachel, Jesse Ryder and cheap booze and Richie Benaud and retirement (fingers crossed!).

Then again, at the same time things can go so horrifically and painfully together that it’s a mystery they didn’t spontaneously combust at the time of asking.

Last weekend I had the absolute displeasure of witnessing one of these moments as I sat through ten minutes of Dane Rumble's performance at the Phoenix match. The ten minutes felt like an eternity. It had the seamlessness and compatibility of a Taylor Swift performance at half time of the Warriors.

But that’s the reality of modern sport– clubs have to bring more into the matchday experience, to make it an ‘event’ in order to stay afloat. The Phoenix are

making an absolute meal of it, naturally, but there are examples of it everywhere you look.

We’ve all been to a match with fireworks and cheerleaders. Wellington gets a dude to dress up like Austin Powers every year and sing to thirty thousand drunks. I’m told that Auckland City Football Club hire a Croatian man to sing ‘Summer of 69’ at the break (which sounds must-watch if you ask me). The IPL like to arbitrarily light fires at strange intervals and, in another glaring oversight by the NRL’s organisers, some idiot allowed Kelly Clarkson to perform pre-game at last year’s Grand Final.

The epitome of this combination of sport and entertainment is the clusterfuck of popular culture crammed into the NFL’s Superbowl. And I’m not necessarily saying that this is a bad thing–however, I wholeheartedly believe that Mr Rumble should leave his guitar at home next time. The point is that sports need to implement whatever gimmicks they can to draw fans through the gates, as they are drawn into a war with TV producers over their audiences.

Needless to say, TV is winning this war with the ease of Tim Southee hitting on women. Half-time breaks are filled up with interesting insight and analysis (or so

HOT STUFF

☞ Hayley Adams I am not going to sugar coat this: Nigella Lawson gives me the biggest lady-boner, ever. She is a domestic goddess of epic proportions and her cooking shows make me swoon! I love to read her recipes because I hear her sultry voice in my head, dictating the intricacies of her yummy recipes.

For that very reason, I am going to share with you her hot cross bun recipe this Easter. It’s zesty and delicious. I did share a hot cross bun recipe last year, but this one is pretty great as well. I used my bread maker to knead the dough because I find it to be much more convenient if I have time, but a lot of joy does come from labouring it out and kneading the dough by hand. I like mine quite spicy, but if you don’t, feel free to decrease the amount of ginger/cinnamon and if you don’t like the fruit, swap it for chocolate chips and dried apricots.

they would have you believe), and for that one-in-a-million fan who actually wanted to see Kelly Clarkson, they can flick over to MTV for the innings break.

There are hot-spots and hawk-eyes and jib-jabs and several other nonsensical hyphenated gimmicks offered by the television companies to package sport in an easily consumable, Dane-Rumble-free product.

Not to mention the cost-effectiveness of just sitting on your couch, ordering a pizza, and listening to the hauntingly creepy voice of Francis Payne as he talks you through cricket’s most recent ‘Stat Chat’. In fact, it’s a miracle that live sport even has an audience to speak of.

Test match cricket especially, which seems to love to cling hopelessly to the past, will continue to be surpassed by the shorter forms of the game. Not because they’re any better, mind you, but just because they’re better at finding some sort of correlation between half-naked women and pyrotechnics and overs, runs and wickets.

But for genuine sports fans the reality is unfortunate. As long as the telly is winning the war, sports are going to be encroached by other forms of entertainment.We will just need to hope, desperately, for no more Dane Rumble.

WHAT YOU NEED ▴▴ 2/3 cup milk ▴▴ 50g butter ▴▴ The zest of 1 orange ▴▴ 1 clove ▴▴ ¼ tsp. ground cardamom (or 2 cardamom pods) ▴▴ 1 tbsp. honey ▴▴ 400g white flour ▴▴ 7g easy bake yeast (about 2 ½ tsp) ▴▴ 80g raisins ▴▴ 30g dried cranberries ▴▴ 2 tsp. cinnamon ▴▴ 1 tsp. ginger ▴▴ 2 eggs (one for egg wash) ▴▴ 2 tbsp. flour, ½ tbsp. caster sugar and 2 tbsp. boiling water (for the cross) ▴▴ 1 tbsp. caster sugar, mixed with 1 tbsp. boiling water (for the sugar glaze) WHAT TO DO Heat the milk, butter, orange zest, clove, cardamom and honey in a pot on a low heat. Reduce the heat so it is below boiling and let the flavours infuse for about ten minutes. Remove the clove and cardamom pods from the milk (if you used them), beat in one of the eggs and pour the mixture into your bread maker pan.

Build flour, yeast, dried fruit and spices on top and set to dough setting/add to wet ingredients, stir with a knife to bring together then kneed for 10 minutes, let rise then knead again. Divide into 16 balls and score with a cross shape, egg wash the buns and then mark with your cross mixture. Bake in a 200 degree Celsius oven for 15-20 mins, remove and glaze while hot.

42

☻ SALIENT LOVES YOU ☻ Notices should be received by 5pm Tuesday the week before publication. Notices must be fewer than 100 words. For-profit organisations will be charged $15 per notice. Send notices to editor@salient.org.nz with 'Notice' in the subject line.

Salient provides a free notice service for all Victoria students, VUWSA-affiliated clubs and not-for-profit organisations.

TO AST M A STE RS !!!

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Wednesdays, 12-1pm, Room 218, Student Union Building

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VIC OE – VIC STUDENT EXCHANGE PROGRAMME

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We’re located near the top of the Cable Car (next to the MetService building) and are very affordable at $70/hour+gst.

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W GT N R A P E C R I SI S ANNUAL STREET APPEAL: 13 APRIL (FRIDAY) 7:30AM-6PM Calling for volunteer collectors Contact Natasha on 021 032 2049 or annualappeal@ wellingtonrapecrisis.org.nz:

Please donate generously '

W I N N ER! SALIENT READER WINS BIG!

Salient is proud to announce the winner of last week's Bike Wise competition.

Luke Beatson blitzed the competition with this badass Salient Christmas tree.

Luke has won a cycling pack worth over $300. Cycling is fun.

OR EMAIL US ON YOU CAN CALL OR TEXT FRANZ ON 499 0098 / 021 067 3750.

E A STER EGG H U NT CAMPUS-WIDE EASTER EGG HUNT! Hey, Vic, are you bored on campus waiting for break? Get in the spirit of Easter and be on the lookout for Easter eggs hidden by the Easter bunny around Vic during this Tuesday and Wednesday!

Pick them up and bring them to the guys and girls at Student Life in SU216 between 11am and 2pm in exchange for some chocolate.

Do you know what Easter is all about?

Stop being an egg and come find out at threads presented by Student Life.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 4

3:00pm in SU218 http://www.facebook.com/ wellingtonstudentlife

TA EK W ONDO C LU B VICTORIA UNIVERSITY TAEKWONDO CLUB Interested in Taekwondo? New to Taekwondo? Learned Taekwondo before? Come along and join us!

TRAINING TIMES:

Tuesday 6.30pm - 8.00pm Long Room, Victoria University Recreation Centre Saturday 3.30pm - 5.30pm Dance Room, Victoria University Recreation Centre WHAT YOU NEED: Drink bottle, comfy trousers/shorts, t-shirt

Contact Us! ✉EMAIL: vuwtkd@hotmail.com 43

WHY NOT STUDY OVERSEAS AS PART OF YOUR DEGREE?!

Earn Vic credit, get Studylink & grants, explore the world!

Weekly seminars on Wednesdays Level 2, Easterfield Building, 12.55pm - 1.05pm Country specific info sessions each day!

Upcoming Deadlines: For Tri 1, 2013 exchange - July 16th, (UC May 28th)

EMAIL: VicOE@vuw.ac.nz FIND OUT MORE: www.victoria.ac.nz/ exchange DROP-IN HOURS: Mon & Tues 9-12, Wed-Fri 10-12

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26-Apr

For more or full details, check on careerhub.victoria.ac.nz careers-service@vuw.ac.nz 04-463-5390

☻ SALIENT LOVES YOU ☻

LETTER OF THE WEEK WINS TWO FREE COFFEES FROM VIC BOOKS!

L E T T ER O F TH E WE E K CALL US IF YOU NEED BRIDESMAIDS. Dear Salient, Due to my general lack of awareness and a confusion over the ‘send’ and ‘save now’ button, I missed the pitch deadline for your love/lust issue, meaning that rather sadly I was not able to put forth my proposed TILF piece - (that’s for tutor I’d like to fuck by the way).

I had several running drafts through my head, detailing the oh so many ways in which a certain SARC tutor is lust on legs, his rays of sexual magnetism emanating through the Te Aro walls, and my fear that one day when he reads my name off the roll in that smooth yet gruff voice of his I answer with ‘I do’ instead of ‘here’...which turns out to not be a fear in the end, as then the minister announces us husband and wife and we ride off into the sunset and proceed to make love for endless nights and days...

Actually, it was probably a better thing I missed the deadline, just on the off chance that such thoughts could come across as “creepy”, “stalkerish”, “unhealthy” etc etc Yours Truly, What-if-I-put-sublimnalmessages-in-my-assignments-that-youmark

SCUMBAG STEVE REPLIES. STILL A SCUMBAG. Dear Salient When did you become a feminist driven, pansy publication? I was under the impression that Salient “thrives on public debate” (your words). But when I send in an objective letter for the good of all female students at Vic you label

Salient welcomes, encourages and thrives on public debate—be it serious or otherwise—through the letters pages. Write about what inspires you, enrages you, makes you laugh, makes you cry. Send us feedback, send us abuse. Anything. Letters must be received before 5pm Tuesday, for publication the following week.

Letters must be no more than 250 words.

Pseudonyms are fine, but all letters must include your real name, address and telephone number.

These will not be printed. Please note that letters

me a scumbag? Even worse than that you give letter of the week to some guy talking about how woman should be called hustlers instead of divas? There’s a winning topic...not. Letter of the week should have gone to Swagrid, dam right everyone wants to see some tits up in here.

Shame on you Salient. As for the two free coffees you give out each week.

Tell Vic books to save them, lower their prices instead. Save us students getting hammered by text books costing half a billion dollars every year.

That is unless you’ve sold out to your sponsors as well.

‘Scumbag’ Steve Cones P.S Was at the Vic Library the other day.

Still no hotties

THE DEFILEMENT OF OUR SACRED INSTITUTION Dear Salient (and sexually aroused students of Vic) The other day, Friday the 23rd of March to be exact, a rather unfortunate incident occurred on the fifth floor of the Rankine Brown Library. A few innocent students were witness to a young lady who was propped upon a young man’s lap as she was stroking his acne while simultaneously licking his face practically fornicating like rabid monkeys. Another similar incident occurred in the computer lab earlier that day where two students were seen kissing rather passionately.

I think some of the more ‘mature’ students need to take note that it is still early in the year and there are first year students, who are underage and yet to be exposed to such acts of lewd conduct, around campus that would rather not and should not be exposed to this kind of behaviour. Not to mention some of the older, sane minded and less sexually

will not be corrected for spelling or grammar. The Editors reserve the right to edit, abridge or decline any letters without explanation.

LETTERS CAN BE SENT TO ✉ EMAIL: letters@salient.org.nz ✍ POSTED: Salient, c/- Victoria University, PO Box 600, Wellington ☞ DROPPED INTO: the Salient office on the third floor of the Student Union Building.

44

obsessed students, who also feel they could do without the extreme cases of public displays of affection. Especially in a sacred learning space, such as the library, where students need to feel like we are in a safe study environment.

Where students should not have to live in constant fear of having our innocence and gentle disposition being jeopardized by stumbling upon such inappropriate, lewdness at every corner. I hope students guilty of this behaviour, will take into account the vulnerable nature of the students around them and consider GETTING A ROOM! Yours concerningly, L.S.

BUT, BUT, THE FREE MARKET FIXES EVERYTHING! How typical of Act on Campus to again bandy about the discredited notion that the evidence on climate change is “inconclusive”, simply because it does not support their argument. Nearly every political party accepts the reality of global warming in some form, whilst Act continues to languish in scientific ignorance.

Whilst scientists dispute the exact impacts of climate change and the time frame, the overwhelming consensus is that it is happening and it is human induced. The only people who say otherwise are lobbyist organisations who distort facts and data to create the illusion that this is all a hoax. I’d prefer to trust the world’s leading scientists rather than Michele Bachmann who believes they are constructing “manufactured science”.

It’s time for Act to move beyond their unsubstantiated claims that global warming is not happening and instead work to develop some sensible policies

☻ SALIENT LOVES YOU ☻ SEND TO: letters@salient.org.nz Salient c/ Victoria University PO Box 600, Wellington

to combat it. The free market alone will not solve this issue, as it seems unable to solve many issues.

Peer pressure? Here people (should) hate you if you smoke,

Yours Sincerely, Gerald Lee a.k.a evil interventionist greenie

Can’t give up? Get help, (haven’t you seen the ad campaigns that cost millions) Stress? Counselling (It’s free from the Maui Ora place)

WE DID IT JUST TO FUCK WITH YOU. Dear smellypungentaromaient, The fuck, you guys. The fuck. So you’re sitting outside Kirk301 and you’re like fuck, I’ve got no ipod, no novel, no entertainment of any kind, for the next twenty or so minutes. You think shit – it’s scavenging time. So what you do is you start sifting about on the floor, searching for anything that catches your eye. This goes on for around five minutes. You stop. You’ve found a salient – looks like the new issue but you’re not sure and you find you don’t care so much, you just open that badboy up to the last page where you know the games are.

You open, and you find a crossword, and some comic that might be funny but it might not also – maybe it’s just some thoughtful satirical commentary designed to be humorous but not designed to insight laughter.

And then you glance back to the actual games and you realise there’s no Sudoku.

You’ve been addicted to Sudoku since fifth form and you’re like the fuck. THE FUCK. You guys.

Yours anticipatoradly, The-Fuck-you-guys-print-a-sudokuin-your-next-issue-goddamnit-shitgoddamn.

BUT SMOKING’S COOOOOL, BRO. Dear Salient I am what the Yanks call a “college freshman” fresh from the ever helpful NCEA system. Recently I have walking between different building around the Kelburn Campus and what do I find outside Kirk, Hunter, Cotton, Student Union? Bloody inconsiderate bastards smoking filling the air with a repulsive and lethal stench! I mean every time I walk past I am exposed to such a disgusting and lethal habit which not only risks their own stupid health but mine as well just for walking past, also I would like to ask why??

Rebellion? Seriously get a life,

In summary don’t be an idiot and be considerate to other peoples’ health.

Regards, Sebastian Collin Smyth

PLEASE, HOPEFUL CYNIC, YOU’RE OUR ONLY HOPE. Dear Salient, Life sucks sometimes. And death sucks even more. What’s with all the highprofile deaths recently, with the Tongan King and our very own Sir Paul. That guy was passionate, knowledgeable and inspirational when he was my lecturer, and from all the obituaries since, he was a genuinely good guy. I guess it’s often only when someone is gone that you realise what you will miss. Death sucks.

And that’s why I’m always a bit confused about why this Friday is called Good Friday. How can a day which remembers the brutal murder of Jesus be considered ‘good’? It wasn’t a peaceful slipping away in one’s sleep, but a drawn out, tortuous ordeal. By all historical accounts, crucifixion was one of the cruellest punishments ever devised. And if the story of Jesus ended with his death, then he would merely be another of the many people who claim to be something special, who die, and are never heard of again.

But there’s more to the story than Good Friday. Jesus was verifiably killed and laid in a tomb. But on the third day he appeared to his disciples, not dead, but alive. He took every attack that the devil could throw at him, including the ultimate weapon, Death. And he overcame. He rose from the grave. Easter Sunday is a reminder that death is not the end, nor is death the victor. I’m not saying it’s easy to live with the deaths of loved ones, but this Easter, remember we can always hold onto this hope.

I THINK STEVE’S JUST A VERY LONELY YOUNG MAN. Dear Steve Cones, Despite the disturbingly sexist and misogynist undertones to your letter which implied that us “honeys” are really just at uni to “give the bored and overworked [male] masses something nice to look at”; I found your letter fascinating. In fact, upon reading it, I have a few questions for you.

You finally conclude (in an empowering way?) that Victoria’s womenfolk need not be complacent about your findings, but can “learn from the example set by [our] Massey counterparts and take pride in [our] appearance”. At my old school “taking pride in your appearance” meant shoving your hair off your face and wearing a blazer. I would therefore love to know what you mean by this. Is it a matter of revealing some tits? Or remembering to iron our shirts? Are jeans okay for you?

Or is what your getting at that we should wear more skirts? Please, do tell more. ardently awaiting your reply, Betty Draper Dear Steve, Did you ever think that the problem wasn’t with Vic Girls, but the fact you sound like a creepy, misogynisitc dudebro? Pull yourself toegther man. xoxo Gossip Girl

O T N I E TUN RAGE R A B A FOR S! O E D I V Y OF LUST

Hopeful Cynic

I am so in love with you," whispered the Wood Elf, "that it frightens me sometimes.

If anything should happen, if we can't stay together, I would…"

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YOUTUBE.COM/SALIENTTV

☻ SALIENT LOVES YOU ☻

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☞

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ASHER EMANUEL & OLLIE NEAS

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SAM NORTHCOTT

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1. Genital isolationism; not a good method of sex-ed.

2. An unfortunate possible consequence of barrier-failure.

3. Pulsating, as one’s member might.

5. Hard to come by; true love is ______.

8. Terms of ______.

10. A form of deceit; very tempting.

11. ____ of salt or dat aaasss.

14. It’s all you can do; will earn you a conversion.

15. Star-crossed female.

16. Yours for the flaunting–not owned by the state.

19. ____-tang, but not the Wu; also used by the crude as a verb.

20. To want after another without relent; a tree.

☞

Puzzle 1 (Hard, difficulty rating 0.67)

1

Greek goddess of love.

A detractor, yet a great motivator.

Backchat; some ass. ___ is a lie.

Failure to take this may produce undesirable outcomes.

Formal joining of two people.

Fierce desire.

Frivolous attraction; painful if understood literally.

Potent; masculine.

Contract prior to [12 across]; Kanye advocates.

Experienced following a crushing loss. ___ means ___ means ____.

Outmoded tool of courtship; lyrical.

Clinical description for making love.

DOWN 18

19

ACROSS

3 1

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/~jdhildeb/software/sudokugen/ on Thu Mar 29 15:18:18 2012 GMT. Enjoy!

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☻ SALIENT LOVES YOU ☻

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

7.30AM - 10AM

VBC BREAKFAST SHOW

WITH AIDAN & MICHAEL Sweet Music, News, Interviews & Giveaways 10AM - 12PM

LATE MORN

WITH

STEPH

Tunes, Gig Guide, Community Notice Giveaways & Interviews

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

8AM -10AM

9AM -12PM

VBC KIDS SHOW!

TBC

10AM -12PM

10AM - 12PM

MORNING MAGAZINE

WAKE N' BAKE

WITH

MICHAEL & GUESTS

PEARCE & DUNCAN

WITH

12PM - 2PM

12PM - 2PM

12PM - 1PM

12PM - 2PM

12PM - 2PM

12PM - 2PM

MIDDAY

FEAT

FEAT

FEAT

NEW VEEBS

NEW VEEBS

INFIDEL ASTRO

FEAT

NEW VEEBS

NEW VEEBS

INDY BITS & PIECES

TBC

2PM - 4PM

2PM - 4PM

1PM - 3PM

2PM - 4PM

2PM - 4PM

MID ARVO

MID ARVO

MID ARVO

2PM - 4PM

2PM - 4PM

LO-FI

MID ARVO

MID ARVO

PHILIP MCSWEENY

WITH

WITH

DOM'S

AWESOME SHOW

WITH

TRENT

MATT

TBC

TBC

4PM - 7PM

4PM - 7PM

4PM - 7PM

4PM - 7PM

4PM - 7PM

4PM - 7PM

4PM - 6PM

DRIVE SHOW

MONDO DRIVE

DRIVE SHOW

DRIVE SHOW

EMMA & BELLA'S

DRIVE SHOW

ARTS SHOW

TBC

JAMES & HARRY

WITH

SUPER CUTE HANGOUT

TBC

WITH

VIRGINIA

7PM - 9PM

7PM - 9PM

7PM - 8PM

7PM - 8PM

7PM - 9PM

7PM - 9PM

7PM - 9PM

TURN ON, TUNE IN & DROP OUT

THE SPOTLIGHT SESSION

DOOMWATCH

TRAIN SPOTTING

TBC

TBC

TBC

WITH

WITH

9PM - 11PM

9PM - 11PM

9PM - 11PM

TBC

TBC

TBC

WED 4TH

THUR 5TH

FRI 6TH

SAT 7TH

WHAT NOISY CATS WITH MILES

THE WANTED SESSIONS WITH

CALDER AND THE RUMOURS

MASHTOWN COUNTY

SHOCK FUTURO, INFLUENCE, NUMBSKULL, & STENDHAL

EASTER THURSDAY

EASTER WEEKENDER

THE CHECKS

NICK & HENRY

GEORGE

JAMES BEAVIS

WITH

9PM - 11PM

9PM - 11PM

9PM - 11PM

THE VINYL COUNTDOWN

DIRTYSTEP

STEEL BALLS

WITH

MICKEY & PETER

8PM - 10PM

COMPULSORY DUBSTEP / HIPHOP VBC METAL SHOW ECSTASY JACK & BRYN

WITH

MON 2ND

WITH

TUES 3RD

MIGHTY MIGHTY

ANNA PANCALDI (UK)

SAN FRANCISCO BATHHOUSE

BODEGA

HOLLY & STUMBLE

WITH

WOODEN SHIJPS

KIM & NIC

PAPERSCISSORS WITH JACK BODILESS

DJS KEV FRESH, MICAH & ELPASKO

GUESTS

SEAN KIRKWOOD & FRIENDS THE

OSR THE “RADIATION” CREATION GIG

SAYONARA SHOW

STATE OF MIND & MC WOODY

SANDWICHES

47

WITH SHERPA +

KISSING HER NECK, THE

fumes FINALLY TIPPED ME OVER

the edge, AND I

threw up

GENTLY OVER THE WOMAN'S

now bare LEFT SHOULDER.