19 - The Language Issue

ISSUE. 19 SEPTEMBER 10 TH 2012

THE TEAM Editors: Asher Emanuel & Ollie Neas editor@salient.org.nz Designer: Racheal Reeves designer@salient.org.nz News Editor: Hugo McKinnon news@salient.org.nz Arts Editor: Adam Goodall arts@salient.org.nz Film Editor: Gerald Lee Books Editor: Kurt Barber Visual Arts Editor: Rob Kelly Theatre Editor: Jonothan Price Music Editor: Philip McSweeny Feature Writers: Fairooz Samy Chris McIntyre News Interns: Grace Tong Shilpa Bhim, Phillipa Webb Chief Sub-Editor: Carlo Salizzo Distriubution Specialist: Michael Graham CONTRIBUTORS Hayley Adams, Todd Atticus, Hilary Beattie, Rose Burrowes, Choaty, Matthew Codd, Henry Cooke, Richard D’Ath. Uther Dean, Martin Doyle, Harriet Farquhar, Joe Gallagher, Renee Gerlich, William Guzzo, Ryan Hammond, Christian Hermansen, Roxy Heart, Bridie Hood, Alexandra Howatson, Patrick Hunn, Sharon Lam, Russ Kale, Michael Kumove, ‘Molly’ ‘McCarthy’, Hamish McConnochie, Callum McDougal, Chandra Miller, Joanna Morgan, Phoebe Morris, Udayan Mukherjee, Livvy Nonoa, Sam Northcott, Sam Philips, Morehu Rei, Will Robertson, Josh Van Veen, Ellen Walker, Michael Warren, Matt White, Rick Zwaan.

Contributor of the Week: Phillipa ‘Pullitzer’ Webb. Telling the truth like its beautiful beautiful lies.

CONTACT Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University PO Box 600, Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766 Email: editor@salient.org.nz ADVERTISING Contact: Mark Maguire Phone: 04 463 6982 Email: sales@vuwsa.org.nz ABOUT US Salient is produced by independent student journalists, employed by, but editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association (VUWSA).

Salient is a member of, syndicated and supported by the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA). Salient is funded by Victoria University of Wellington students, through the student services levy. It is printed by Printcorp of Tauranga. Opinions expressed are not necessarily representative of those of ASPA, VUWSA, Printcorp, Wittgenstein, Chomsky, John ‘Mumbles’ Key, or the talking pigeons but we at Salient are proud of our beliefs and take full responsibility for them.

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THIS ISSUE IS DEDICATED TO

rebuilding the Tower of Babel.

COVER PHOTO BY CHANDRA MILLER

P UNK T UAT ED, P AG E 19

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THE

LANGUAGE 16.

The Type of the Times

19. Punktuated 20.

Slurring Your Words

22.

Brands for the Burning

26.

Speaking in Tongues

28.

Talking Dirty

NEWS

COLUMNS

12.

36.

Presidential Address

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13.

Political Porn With Hamish

36.

Ngai Taiura

14.

Mulled Whine With H.G. Beattie

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VUWSA Trea$urer

38. Bent

Eye On Exec

7. LOL 10.

World Watch

11.

The Week That Wasn’t

11.

Overheard At Vic

IN

REVIEW

31. Music 32. Film Visual Arts

34. Theatre 35. Books

@SalientMagazine

Partisan Hacks

15. C.R.E.A.M 15.

Science: What's It Up To?

39.

Roxy Heart

39.

Of The Week

40.

Things I Already Know But Just Need To Be Told

40.

Eat Your Fucking Greens

41. Philosoraptor 41.

On Campus

42.

Nothin' But Net

42.

Lovin' From The Oven

Facebook.com/SalientMagazine

salient

It's good really, not having anyone else privy to your thoughts. But when

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YOU

4. Dinocop 43. Notices 44. Letters 46. Puzzles 47.

Radio & Gig Guide

Youtube.com/SalientTv

"Ah... yes."

"Wow, thank you. That's very nice of you. How can I help?"

One day though something clicks and they realise that the workings of their mind can be a private affair. The only way in or out is language.

SALIENT

We extract the more appropriate of the little ditties from within our island domes, placing them in envelopes which we may call a word, a sentence, or a sound. But despite its thoughtless ease, language is a complicated process and necessarily imperfect. The snowball rolling through the Sahara always loses something along the way.

"Hello there, I'm just calling to say that I do enjoy your magazine. I'm 74 years old, you see, but I still try and read it when I can."

ASHER & OLLIE

Student Health

"One more thing. Last week there was a word in the letters section that I thought was quite an offensive word. It's the word beginning with a 'C'."

"Hello, Salient office."

words and that ▲ ◎ ◍

38.

you realise that everyone else is as necessarily isolated as you—afloat too in their own little jars—it can get lonely.

So we communicate. Or at least we try.

A phone call a few weeks ago brought these ideas into clear focus.

It is said that around the age of three years, a child learns to lie. Prior to that point, the Little People make no attempt to mislead, for they labour under the misapprehension that the contents of their own thoughts are plainly visible to those around them.

VUWSA AND FRIENDS

5. News

33.

www.Salient.org.nz

THE

"It's about one of the crosswords a couple of weeks ago. I couldn't for the life of me figure out the answer to 6-down. Do you know what the answer is?"

"Ummm… The answer?"

Concerned for her well-being, we decided not to inform her that the crossword was in fact a giant and sadistic troll. But she persisted.

"You know the one. Well I thought it meant something quite offensive, but I came by your office the other day and a nice young man there informed me that it can mean something quite different these days.

He said you could say, 'Good C', or even be a 'Top C'. It was quite a surprise. What a funny word. I wonder where it's from? Is it from an old English word?"

Yes. It was the old Cunt Conundrum.

Our delightful advanced-in-years reader had thought a letter writer named 'Frank Ocean' (Issue 14, 23 July) was penning something absolutely appalling, when it is far more likely our anonymous contributor intended something far tamer.

Language relies upon context. One word over there means something completely different over here. It is the source of many a clusterfuck. But so what? Well nothing really. It's just funny, that's all.

Go ahead, enjoy the issue. We hope that too much of the meaning isn't lost along the way.

(adj.) 1560s, “leaping,” a heraldic term, from Latin salientem. The meaning “pointing outward” is from 1680s; that of “prominent, striking” first recorded 1840, from salient point (1670s), which translates Latin punctum saliens, going back to Aristotle’s writings. Hence, the “starting point” of anything.

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10 Phrases for

ANY SITUATION CARLO SALIZZO

TEN “But first, we need more gin.”

NINE “Could it possibly be more postpostmodern?”

EIGHT “Because fuck you, that’s why!”

SEVEN “Are you implying that the standard of journalism in New Zealand is less than exemplary?”

SIX “I’m just way too pumped to be alive right now.”

FIVE “Mate, scrums, footy.”

FOUR “Bring back Firefly, I say.”

THREE “I think you mean ‘affected’.”

TWO “I only read the letters.”

ONE “Get amongst the best.”

 S A M N O R T H C OT T

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nEWS NEWS

SEND ANY PERTINENT ☞NEWS LEADS OR GOSSIP TO ☜

NEWS@SALIENT.ORG.NZ ╳ Salient never sleeps. ╳ 

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September 10 th 2012

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all the

NEWS

UNfit for print 

THE AGM THAT WASN’T

EVEN DELICIOUS PIZZA FAILS TO INDUCE CONSTITUTIONAL REFORM HUGO MCKINNON

VUWSA lost the quorum required to make constitutional changes needed to enforce the Governance Review’s recommendations at the AGM on the Wednesday before midsemester break.

behind the recommendation that the executive have a Clubs and Activities Officer, since Clubs are no longer run by VUWSA following the introduction of voluntary student membership.

With one minute until they were constitutionally obliged to reschedule, quorum was reached at 1:29pm after a series of tactics that included Activities Officer Andreas Triandafilidis asking those present to “please text [their] friends”.

However before the recommendations could be passed, at least ten students left the room, rumoured to have been attending a psychology test. While Vice-President (Welfare) Rory McCourt pursued them, a head count requested by Salient found that quorum had been lost.

A quorum of 100 association members is needed for VUWSA to make constitutional changes, but it was still short at 1pm when the meeting was scheduled to start, despite the allure of free pizza.

Treasurer William Guzzo presented a statement of accounts, explaining that while VUWSA will be running a deficit of $200,000, the VUWSA Trust has pledged to give the association up to $250,000 per year, potentially leaving them in surplus.

Those on the Governance Review Working Party then explained the decision making process behind its recommendations. Salient has previously questioned the reasoning

Working Party member and former president, Nick Kelly, said the recommendation was included because VUWSA aspires to regain control of clubs in the future.

Unsuspecting students wait for pizza, oblivious to the imminent ambush of democracy.

“It was clear that we were suffering from apathy issues” said Triandafilidis.

The pizza was served regardless.

The executive has since planned a SGM for this Wednesday, where the association will again try to pass the belated constitutional changes. Students will also be asked to vote on the establishment of an equity committee and whether VUWSA should formally support the marriage equality bill.

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Students raise their claws to the sky in an expression of support for a swift end to the torture.

TOP: Treasurer William Guzzo shows VUWSA members the ‘money’—or lack thereof.

NEWS

EYE ON EXEC INSIDE THE MONEY-HOLE; BUT WHERE THE BISCUITS AT? HUGO MCKINNON

“Meeting opened at-” “Um, can we do a quorum check please?” says Clubs Officer Reed Fleming “All voting executive members please raise their hands” says President Bridie Hood.

All voting executive members raise their hands.

“I’ll count this side of the room,” says Activities Officer Andreas Triandafilidis “I’ve got this side... I have four” says Hood.

“I have five” The meeting opens, minutes are passed.

The executive discussed the Blues Awards for sporting achievement at Victoria. Hood informed the executive there will be an open bar, and an anecdote was shared in which one inebriated member vomited “like three times” after the same event last year.

Fleming attempts to bribe Salient with a chocolate biscuit in order to have the anecdote retrospectively spoken in committee.

Stay classy VUWSA. The executive then proceeded to have a lengthy and confusing discussion about work reports and hours. It was concluded that only Campaigns Officer Adele Redmond had been paid for hours that she had not worked.

Because the AGM lost quorum before the Governance Review’s proposed constitutional changes could be passed, it was resolved that an SGM would be held on Wednesday 12 August and nominations for the 2013 executive would open the following day.

The executive also decided that it would ask if VUWSA should formally support Louisa Wall’s marriage equality bill at the SGM. It was hoped the issue would attract enough students for the meeting to reach quorum.

Queer Officer Gen Fowler requested a $1000 donation towards the marriage equality campaign.

All members were in favour of donating the money, but because this would be extra

HURRICANE JOYCE UNI COUNCILS JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR SOUR OLD MINISTER S H I L PA B H I M

Tertiary Education Minister Steven Joyce is continuing his crusade against university councils.

Councils were “often slow to react to changing circumstances, not pursuing commercialization of research as effectively as possible, and were lagging in their international education initiatives,” Joyce said.

He had previously commented on the size of university councils in May, following the announcement of a government-led review of the councils at all eight universities.

Joyce’s comments are being disputed by Chancellors, Vice-Chancellors, and the Tertiary Education Union (TEU).

Roger France, Chair of the Chancellors’ Committee believes that New Zealand’s university system is the most efficient in the world and that council size is not detrimental to university performance.

“New Zealand university councils have an average of 18 members and many of the world’s leading universities, such as Harvard, Cambridge and Stanford, have governing bodies as large, or larger, than this,” France said.

Victoria University Vice-Chancellor and Universities New Zealand Chair, Professor Pat Walsh, also commends the work being done by our universities.

“Our universities rate alongside or ahead of prestigious universities such as MIT and Stanford in their ratio of contract research to total research income and in their patent productivity.”

In 2009 student, staff and community representation was removed from polytechnic councils. Consequently, on those councils, ministerial appointees now hold a voting majority.

TEU President, Sandra Grey, believes that this was a poor decision and hopes that university councils will continue to serve the needs of their institution, rather than serving the “Minister of the day.”

“University councils need to be independent from the minister, no matter what political persuasion, so that they focus on their legally required duties as internationally respected learning institutes, rather than chasing short term political goals,” Grey said.

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spending, Treasurer William Guzzo said he was unable to say where that money would come from without consulting the association manager.

Vice-President (Welfare) Rory McCourt said the executive should pledge to donate the money regardless of whether they could budget for it. He argued they should take the money from the reserves if they couldn’t.

The executive considered giving only $500 to the campaign, with another $500 being donated on the condition that their budget allowed for it.

But after discussing the possible areas of the budget the money could be sourced from, the executive ultimately decided to pledge the full $1000, and to consult the budget with the association manager at a later date.

Conversation then turned to drafting the proposal for O Week 2013.

“I would love a pyjama party” Redmond said.

ENGINEERING LEGITIMACY VIC BACHELOR NO LONGER FOREVER ALONE G R AC E TO N G

Victoria’s Bachelor of Engineering (BE) has been granted full accreditation by the Institution of Professional Engineers New Zealand (IPENZ).

Accreditation means that graduates will now have international recognition, and greater opportunity to work overseas through agreements the IPENZ has in other countries.

Professor John Hine, Dean of the Faculty of Engineering, was “delighted” with the accreditation.

“Victoria’s BE programme intentionally focuses on modern forms of engineering, specialisations that can respond to today’s and tomorrow’s needs,” he said.

A panel of engineers spent several days looking at all aspects of the programme.

The four-year degree was launched in 2007.

AUT, Manukau Institute of Technology, Massey University, Auckland University, Unitec Institute of Technology and Canterbury University all have degree programmes accredited by the IPENZ.

NEWS

M O L LY M c C A R T H Y

LOL

“I’M LIKE A BIRD,” SAYS NELLY FURTARDO, VLADIMIR PUTIN In his latest effort to become Russia’s answer to the Crocodile Hunter, President Vladimir Putin has made like a bird and... No really, he dressed himself up as a bird.

Last Thursday Putin took to the skies in a hang-glider, wearing a baggy white suit, in an effort to encourage a flock of endangered Siberian white cranes to fly south for the winter.

“For cranes, the parent is a man in a white robe,” explained project director Yuri Markintold.

The cranes, who were raised in captivity and therefore do not know how to fly south, followed Papa Putin on two of his three joy rides through the sky.

In high school I tied my hair into a bun on the front of my forehead in an effort

to emulate and befriend the quails in our garden. Excuse me while I call my mum about this story and a long-awaited “I TOLD YOU SO”.

A SHARK’S TALE In an even stranger tale of human/animal interaction, a Japanese woman last week publicly expressed her desire to give birth to a shark, and then eat it.

Environmentalist Ai Hasegawa wishes to combine her dual desires to experience childbirth and eating a shark, without the overpopulation and overfishing consequences associated with the pursuits.

Science, Hasegawa believes, will come to her aid soon enough.

“A human uterus is just the right size to hold one fetus... I believe humans could use their uterus as an aquarium or incubator.”

Yum.

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SCARFIES COMMIT TO LOVE? OUSA TO HOLD REFERENDUM HUGO McKINNON

The Otago University Students’ Association (OUSA) will be holding a referendum on whether it should support the same-sex marriage bill, alongside its executive election this month.

OUSA President, Logan Edgar said the Executive has a “commitment to love being equal” and wants to know if students support the bill to legalise same-sex marriage in New Zealand.

“OUSA provides a queer support service as part of its role in student support and after being asked by one of our clubs, the Executive voted unanimously to ask the students what they thought on the bill,” Edgar said.

The referendum will address a number of student concerns, and is expected to increase the traditionally low election turnout.

VUWSA will be asking Victoria students if it should support the bill at the SGM on Wednesday.

NEWS

POWDER RANGERS TRIUMPH AT WINTER GAMES the Biathlon team event.

The Biathlon proved to be one of the most popular events at the games, an unlikely combination of cross-country skiing and laser shooting.

Jensen was first introduced to Cross Country Skiing on a school exchange to Norway, and this was his second year competing in the games.

“The competition was really fun, I’m looking forward to entering next year,” he said.

However University Sport executive director Peter McDonald says the number of competitors has dropped significantly since previous years.

OH SKI SKI MO’FUCKER, OH SKI SKI GODDAMN P H I L L I PA W E B B

Two Victoria University students were carving it up at the 2012 University Snow Games, while most were avoiding their study during the mid-semester break.

Victoria’s team, made up of Paul Jensen and Courtney Tate joined 100 other New Zealand University students who hit the slopes at Cardrona and Treble Cone in Wanaka last week.

Otago University’s eight-year hold on the Michael Forrestall Memorial Shield was broken this year when Auckland University

took home the overall win.

Victoria placed third overall behind AUT, gaining a number of medals in individual events.

Tate took home first place in the Giant Slalom Female Ski, second place in the Halfpipe and Big Air events, and third in the Skills Slalom Female Ski. Jensen, a third year industrial design student, gained a comfortable first in the Male Cross Country and a third as a one-man show in

He said this was “reasonably indicative of what the voluntary student membership has done but added that unfavourable snow conditions and the large cost of the event for many students contributed to the loss.

The cost of attending the games averaged at $1000, but some students paid as little as $500 because of subsidies from their universities or student associations.

Victoria University’s team was not subsidised this year.

THE EDITORSHIP IS A FULL-TIME, PAID POSITION beginning in February 2013.

The Editor employs and leads a team of paid and volunteer staff and has overall responsibility for Salient 2013. Salient is produced weekly during term-time and comprises 25 issues throughout the year.

Applicants should have mainstream or student journalism experience, have excellent communication, leadership, budgeting and organisational skills, and some management experience. An interest in student issues, as well as national and international affairs is vital. Mac knowledge is preferable.

Applications should include a CV, portfolio of writing, and a cover letter outlining your vision for Salient 2013.

Salient Editor

Applications close 5pm, 24 September.

Please direct all applications and enquiries to EDITOR@SALIENT.ORG.NZ OR CALL (04) 463 6766.

APPLICATIONS ARE NOW OPEN FOR Salient Editor 2013 (Publications Editor).

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NEWS

ROGUE VC: “I GOT THIS”

AUCKLAND DESPOT WRITES POLICY, DISREGARDS UNION

all you can eat pizza

P H I L L I PA W E B B

An academic dispute has erupted at Auckland University, leading the Tertiary Education Union to take legal action against the ViceChancellor who allegedly drafted university policies without any staff input.

TEU branch co-president Paul Taillon has published an open letter outlining the union’s ‘bitter disappointment’ with Vice-Chancellor Stuart McCutcheon’s proposed ‘Academic Standards’ policies which breaches clause 2.6 of their Academic Collective Agreement which “mandates 'participatory processes' when reviewing key University policies.”

“Had the Vice-Chancellor properly notified the union of intention to review

the Academic Grades-Standards and Criteria policy, the TEU would have gladly participated in a working group to develop a proposal,” says Mr Taillon.

Although the Vice-Chancellor now intends to present his policies to a ‘Review Group,’ he is free to ignore any recommendations they make.

TEU members are urged not to engage with the Vice-Chancellor’s review process, and the branch is planning to stage informal protests outside each of the review briefings.

“Sadly, it appears that the era of collegial participation in University governance was not meant to be,” said Taillon.

INEQUITY DEPORTED SOME UNIS MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS G R AC E TO N G

Auckland University has recently become the first institution of higher learning in New Zealand to broaden its equity policies to include refugees. The decision has been described as “one that sets a standard for all tertiary education institutions to follow”

by Pete Hodkinson, President of the New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations.

Refugee Services New Zealand says the country settles an average of 750 refugees per year, but they are spread geographically in proportion to population concentrations.

Consequently, a high number of refugees live in Auckland.

Students with a refugee background have “multiple issues to overcome” when they seek education, said Hodkinson.

“Not only are they new to New Zealand, they are also coming to terms with the often unspeakable hardships of being dislocated from their home countries.”

Victoria University’s Equity Policy does not list refugees as an equity group, nor does it provide for many of the other groups listed Auckland University’s policy. These include students from non-English speaking backgrounds and rural areas, mature-age students, older employees, male students in Education and Nursing, as well as lesbian, bisexual, transgender and intersex staff and students.

NZUSA says the breadth of Auckland’s Equity Policy should be reflected in the Government’s Tertiary Education Strategy.

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$12 every monday 6-8pm

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PLANET EARTH IS A COMPLICATED PLACE AND A LOT

WORL

OF COMPLEX BUSINESS goes down. It can be hard to ✷ KEEP UP AND EASY TO ✷ SOUND LIKE A DICK WHEN YOU

OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

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Salient considers it ITS GOD-GRANTED DUTY to provide you, dear reader, all OF THE BASIC FACTS ABOUT THE biggest ongoing world issues so ➢ YOU CAN APPEAR ➣ MORE KNOWLEDGEABLE THAN YOU actually are—just like us.

living on a prayer

NEWS M ARCH ON THE

In Palestine, French authorities commence investigations into the death of former Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat, following findings by a Swiss lab of deadly radioactive isotope polonium-210 on the clothes of the deceased figurehead. While Salient forever acknowledges the supreme value of truth, the discovery of any funny-business will probably be a bit of head-ache for the excitable region.

At the Democratic Party Convention in Charlotte North Carolina, President Obama’s bid for reelection kicks into gear with a formal ‘endorsement’ from ex-Pres Bill ‘BJ’ Clinton and a rousing speech from his delightful wife Michelle. The pressing question remains though: when will Obama stop hating Amercia?

In Northern Africa, Gaddafi’s former spychief Abdullah al-Senussi—one of the world's most wanted men following his suspected involvement in several massacres and the Lockerbie bombings—is extradited from Mauritania to Libya for trial. Player-of-theDay goes to France who already sentenced Senussi to life imprisonment (from afar) in 1998.

In the Milky Way, a solar flare on the star known commonly as The Sun sends a coronal mass ejection—or a fuck load of electrically charged particles—Earthward, causing some sweet as aurora borealis effects on the home planet. The event was enough to momentarily remind Earth-dwellers of the utter meaninglessness of their existence.

Meanwhile in Timaru, Grey Power demands that “something be done” about the CBD’s notoriously slippery tiles in a brazen response to recent spate of slips amongst aged residents. Exactly what it is that needs to be done remains unclear.

AN UNINFORMED PEEK INTO THE IRANIAN PROBLEM CARLO SALIZZO

Many on this fair planet have long suspected Iran to have nuclear ambitions. Now Russia has weighed in, continuing speculation that Iran is building nuclear weapons.

Foreign Minister Sergei Ryabkov, Russia’s key spokesperson on Iran’s nuclear programme, says there is no evidence that movements of nuclear material within Iran are being used for military purposes, and that all such material is being overseen by certified inspectors with the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA).

"We, as before, see no signs that there is a military dimension to Iran's nuclear programme - no signs,” he said.

Interestingly, the IAEA has released documentation stating that the number of underground centrifuges in Iran containing nuclear material has doubled in the last few months, a clear sign that the controversial ruling regime has no intentions of slowing down their nuclear programme.

Furthermore the IAEA does believe Iran has previously conducted explosive tests that could be associated nuclear weapons development.

Is Iran planning to build nuclear weapons?

Who knows. Salient certainly can’t make a calculated—or even educated—judgement.

But that doesn’t matter. (It never does.)

Even if Iran had nuclear weapons, the retaliation it would cause would be suicide for the country.

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What’s scarier is Israel’s fear of those weapons. Some citizens have been issued with gas masks, and some say it certainly has the potential to preemptively attack Iran. If they did so the body count is sure to be high.

Ryabkov has warned Israel and the U.S that such an attack “would be harmful, literally disastrous for regional stability.”

Russia has also spoken out against US-backed economic sanctions against Iran which could go further than those affirmed by UN resolutions.

The U.S has also warned Israel against making a preemptive attack without the cooperation of its allies, in the wake of speculation that Israel may commence military action against Iran before the US Presidential election in November.

As for Israel itself, its government has been dealing with a high-level leak which has brought embarrassment to its senior ministers. The leak concerned the details of a meeting that discussed whether anything more could be done to hinder Iran’s nuclear programme.

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has spoken out against whoever has “violated the most basic trust needed to hold security cabinet discussions on matters about Israel's security”. Happily, Netanyahu has not laid any blame on media who reported it, who he said were “doing their job”.

It may be time to start digging a shelter.

NEWS

OvER HEaRD A T VI C Over heard by Krishna food place: Guy one: Hey dude, why is 6 scared of 7?...

Guy two: Why dude?

Guy one:BECAUSE 7, 8, 9!!

PAHAHAHAH Guy two: Oooooooh dude hahaha!

William Holmes

the

Overheard at Biotechnology lecture: Lecturer (to group of year 13’s): “I’ve had many students in my office, that’s why I have a box of tissues there.”

Kris Eames

WEEK 

that

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Overheard at Vic: Guy wearing jeans so tight they could be jeggings: “I’M NOT A HIPSTER!” Helen Grace

WASN'T

Overheard in STAT193: Lecturer: “You can’t be a little bit pregnant, you can’t be a little bit prostate cancer.”

Lilli Margaret Cornwell-Young Overheard on Fairlie terrace.

Dude 1: So would you feel pain if only your brain gets hit?

Dude 2: Uh, probably.

Dude 1: So like if your brain was in your hand and not in your head and you were bashing it with a baseball bat you wouldn’t feel the pain in your head.

Michael Clarke

JOHN KEY NAKED IN VEGAS, NO PICTURES TAKEN. HUGO McKINNON

On Saturday night, Prime Minister John Key was found wandering naked down Las Vegas strip, politely asking strangers if they wouldn’t mind taking a photo of his nether areas and posting them to the internet.

Key described his actions as “an honest attempt to prove New Zealand is still relevant on the world stage” and “possibly the best idea I’ve had since Letterman” “As a country, I believe we should be able to have scandals with the best of them”.

The already nude Prime Minister began his campaign by asking several women from the hotel bar up to his empty suite for “some party fun time”, minutes after having pressed body against the suite’s window and declaring to Las Vegas: “You want to see the real keys to the kingdom? Well here they are!”

The girls declined his offer, but Key persevered, soliciting Hotel staff for “just a cheeky low resolution snap.”

He was asked to leave.

But the apparently sobre Key, known to make the best of any situation, did not give up.

He proceeded to approach strangers on the strip, pleading and begging everyone from the elderly, to young families of four to take photos of his exposed lower regions.

But all the passerbys refused. One person claimed that he “was nowhere near as long as his nose.”

“There was nothing worth taking a picture of,” said another.

As the fatigue set in, Key thought heard a distant whispering.

“Is that you Bronagh? I just want to be loved... Hold me” And he cried.

Distraught and dejected, Key collapsed outside the Paris Las Vegas hotel and its scaled down replica of the Eiffel Tower.

A scaled down replica for a man who was now a scaled down replica of his former self, especially as he was now experiencing some shrinkage.

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Overheard outside Hist 118 test: “Who goes to a test without their ID card for a drink afterwards?!”

Lucy Brownlee Overheard in the library: “Oh God... Oh God... That... is SO good...”

Jepha Purple Overheard at law school: “Never trust Geology with that sort of thing.

Bloody rock monkeys.”

Hannah Gabriel Overheard near overbridge: Guy: “You remind me of my big toe babe” Girl: “Wtf?” Guy: “I end up banging you on every bit of furniture I own!”

Cam Wakefield Overheard in Murphy: Guy one: “Don’t worry bro you have all holidays to do you essay...”

Guy two: “Yeah but I also have Battlefield and Pornhub.”

William Holmes Email snippets of Vic life to overheard@salient.org.nz, or find overheard@vic on Facebook.

act on campus

nz first youth

ACT on Campus does not have an official position on this issue, but we fully support private or partnership schools teaching te reo Maori. However, it should be noted that teachers only have a limited time during the day to teach children the necessary skills they need later in life. Therefore, adding a comprehensive Māori language programme to the national curriculum must be done under appropriate recommendations and careful consideration.

Unfortunately, NZ First Youth’s representative Josh van Veen did not deign to respond to Salient’s perfectly reasonable query. What a shame.

Michael Warren

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PA RT I S AN

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SALIENT ASKED, Auckland’s Independent Maori Statutory Board has recently recommended that te reo Maori ought be compulsory in all Auckland schools. Should this policy be adopted nation-wide?

THE HACKS RESPOND...

vic labour

greens at vic

vic nats

Research shows that people who learn Maori at a young age will be able to easily adapt to other languages such as Samoan and Japanese.

VicLabour believes that the introduction of the universal teaching of Maori in schools will not only benefit Kiwi kids by allowing them to get a greater understanding of this country’s history and culture, but will also provide them with greater opportunities to engage with our international neighbours in the Pacific.

Learning Te Reo Maori should most certainly be compulsory in all New Zealand schools. As one of our official languages, a cultural taonga, and an important means of educating young New Zealanders about our heritage and society, we should be working towards providing all New Zealand children with quality teaching of Te Reo Maori.

The VicNats believe that, because New Zealand is a multi cultural society, education about all cultures is important. As Maori culture is central to New Zealand’s history, there ought to be a place for Maori language in our school’s curriculum, however this should be left to the individual students to choose if they study it or not.

Harriet Farquar

Christian Hermansen

Morehu Rei

12

KEY COCK-BLOCKED BY ASSET SALES DELAY; LABOUR RE-JOYCES HAMISH MCCONNOCHIE

to secure power. In this instance, it was the electors who compromised, choosing to back National despite the unpopular asset sales policy presumably favouring other aspects of the party over the alternative(s). The referendum is, however, great politics and the left will have a field day of calling Key undemocratic and unrepresentative should a resounding “no” be returned in advance.

An interesting scenario could play out yet, as it is pretty much certain that the public will vote against the sales. As such, National supporters may choose to spoil their ballot, as a significant percentage of spoilt ballots would call the legitimacy of the result into question, effectively ‘Trojan Horsing’ the left.

Second, the delay means more sales closer to an election. Key and party strategist Steven Joyce would like to have seen the sales go through as quickly and smoothly as possible.

The delay appears likely to see the last of the five assets sold in 2014, giving way to an ideal platform for Messrs Shearer, Peters and Norman. The plan for National appeared to be about pushing through unpopular policy early in the term and leaving the latter part to try and regain popularity ahead of the election—something advocates of a four year election cycle will know all about.

13

This delay is not what Joyce, Key or National want, especially without a stable coalition partner. The delay will mean the sales will be firmly in the minds of the voters as they go to the ballot box. Key could lose the benefit of showing the electorate any consumer surplus gains from the mixed ownership model, as there may be insufficient time lapsed to have data to point to.

The stable coalition partner question is likely to have been a factor behind the delay—Key playing ball with the Maori Party. Sharples and Turia have threatened to walk a couple of times now, so Key needs to put some effort into repairing the relationship—or at least do enough to convince the duo that they gain more with National than Labour.

There has been plenty of talk of a NationalNew Zealand First agreement in 2014, with speculation that holding the retirement at 65 was partly to keep Winston in the picture. Keeping the Maori Party open to the possibility hedges Key’s bets, something he knows a bit about from his previous career.

Hamish is generally wrong. 

@mishviews



PHOTO BY CHANDRA MILLER

David Shearer must be grinning.The announcement by the Prime Minister last week that the first of the five state assets will be delayed until March next year provides fertile ground for both him and his party.

There is no polling, as we go to print, indicating whether putting the sales on hold has affected the popularity of either of the major parties. To be frank, the short term effect on the polls doesn’t matter anyway. What will have the left—and Labour in particular—smiling is the longer term implications of the delay. These are essentially two-fold.

First of all, it means that there is now a possibility that ballot papers for a Citizens’ Initiated Referendum will be posted out prior to any shares being sold. Before the announcement of a delay, it was looking like the referendum was going to be held after the event. That being said, even if the referendum is prior to Mighty River’s partial sale, it will still be after the event. It’s nonbinding and John Key is right, there was a referendum in November 2011 called the general election.

MMP is noted as a system of compromise, which generally means parties have to compromise on policies during negotiations

Wherein erotica fails to cut the mustard, and I make a Pocahontas reference.

My life is a series of mild anecdotes ineloquently and nasally articulated. To “wit”: I spent the holidays watching Suits (I know, you discovered it ages ago), making some royalist art for my bedroom wall, and reading my friends’ and antagonists’ horoscopes in the Dom. I passed an entire day last week overcome by sadness for Pisceans, whose local astrologer could only go so far as to tell them that their half-birthday was approaching.

Looks like the hard sciences are on the slippery slope.

While it is out of character for me to show any form of self-appreciation, instrumental in my constant stream of consciousness approach to conversation has been a prodigious skill in anecdotal elaboration.

Without outright lying, it is clearly possible to talk in such a way as to present what you said as actually having been funny or interesting.

The golden rule is that unless someone says “did you really say that?!”, don’t disclaim it.

Unfortunately, all I’ve got going on at the moment is future fear with a side of Feist. It’s a real saga.

In keeping with aforementioned self-indulgent stream of consciousness approach to life, you should know that I just stared at the word ‘saga’ for so long that it lost all meaning.

This reminded me of when I got bored in groundbreaking, hair-swinging Pocahontas school assemblies and used to unfocus my figure that is ‘just different to other women’. eyes on everything except people’s noses and So you can be flawed, but only insofar as just move along the row thinking “button, you’re still so special that you leave other button, ski jump, John-Key-in-vaguely-antiwomen in the field holding the corn while you Semitic-newspaper-cartoons, button.” I go and have a chat to a yonic metaphorical digress. Essentially, the word ‘saga’ is blatantly tree. It is a little difficult to see in Fifty Shades, overused, to the extent that the only words what with all the virgin propaganda that you’re more frequently overused are ‘essentially’ and being beaten around the head with. This is ‘blatantly’. The only – and very tenous—link I where erotica falls down for me. Bridget Jones have to any kind of saga would be my friend is flawed yet somehow different, right, but telling me the other week that I reminded you’re under no false impression that her first him of the heroine from time was with some Fifty Shades of Grey. The “...you’re still so special that Gosling lookalike in conversation went a bit like a four-poster bed you leave other women in the this: “Her thoughts remind overlooking the Seine field holding the corn while you me of you. She’s witty.” where they had go and have a chat to a yonic simultaneous orgasms “Doesn’t she hang around metaphorical tree.” with a millionaire who wants and then just held each to put electrodes on her other for three days nipples? I’ve only ever done that with middlestraight because he wanted to. income earners. You know. Mum and dad I should probably say something token, like, investors.” don’t worry if you read the book and take So I read Fifty Shades of Grey and debunked from it the heartwarming notion that some the myths of erotica. I am not warranting that rippling Adonis is just around the corner for my narrow venture into cliterature yields any you. You’re probably right. There are plenty novel point of view. Here’s the deal. As the of fish in—nope, can’t manage that one with female lead, the reader, with all her god-awful a straight face, sorry. Happy half-birthday to all insecurities, has to be able to relate to you. you Pisceans.

Simultaneously, you must be some kind of 14

SCIENCE

Q UANTUM LEVITATION. IT'S A THING, BITCHES.

what's it up to?

R I C K Z WA A N

It doesn’t take long before living in cold Wellington flats gets pretty lame. Well being cold anywhere isn’t really fun, unless you're carving first tracks through fresh powder on a still, sunny day. But some cool shit happens when it gets cold. I mean really cold, like colder than a penguin after chilling out in Antarctica for winter.

When you get close to absolute zero (-273.15°C), a temperature where molecules stop moving, something super sweet happens with conductors. A phenomenon known as superconductivity is basically like normal conductivity, but way more badass with the super- prefix. Resistance drops to zero in superconductors, which means that unlike normal copper wires, you can conduct electricity without any loss. It’s kind of like a tertiary bank account where you don’t get

charged for transactions or overdraft.

Time for a brief history lesson before we get into the rad shit superconductors can do. The Dutch physicist Heike Kamerlingh Onnes first discovered them in 1911. He was playing with mercury cooled by liquid hydrogen when he noticed that the resistance dropped abruptly at 4.2K (-268.95°C) to absolutely zero. He won a Nobel Prize for his efforts but, due to the difficulties in keeping stuff so cold, not much happened for a few years. It wasn’t until the discovery of ‘high temperature’ superconductors in the ‘80s that we started to learn about all the cool shit they can do.

With superconductors made out of ceramics you only need to keep them at about 90K (-183.15°C) for them to work. So you can use liquid nitrogen, which is easier and cheaper to get. This made experiments

with superconductors way easier, and now 100-level physics students can pretend to have super powers by levitating magnets in labs.

Yep that’s right levitation isn’t just for sci-fi films, it really exists. Superconductors expel all magnetic fields so without going into the complex physics it means that you can lock magnets in place and levitate them. They’re so powerful that you could theoretically levitate a car on a 2mm thick superconductor the diameter of a coffee cup. You’d just have to put the air-con on really low.

They’re also used in MRI scanners to check out your brain, mass spectrometers, and used to steer particle beams in particle accelerators like CERN which discovered the Higgs particle.

W E ’ R E G O I N G T O T H E CHAPEL. NICHOLAS CROSS

Opponents of gay marriage argue that it would be wrong for government to ‘change the definition of marriage’ because it might alter the role marriage plays in our society. But they have ignored that economic factors are already changing the role marriage plays in our society in a way that makes the institution of marriage more compatible with homosexual equality.

In a world with clearly defined gender roles, marriage was an institution concerned with the division of labour between a man and a woman. It was traditionally the role of a man to enter the labour force and be the family bread-winner, and the role of the women was to be the homemaker who completed various household chores such as raising kids. Men and women specialised in various tasks to their mutual benefit, making marriage an institution where opposites actually did attract.

But many things have changed the role of

marriage since the midpoint of the 20th century. First, there was the mini industrial revolution which brought us such amazing inventions as the microwave oven, the dishwasher, the clothes washer and dryer.

Industrialisation in the Third World has made new clothes vastly cheaper, meaning we place less of a premium on skills like knitting and sewing. Second, the invention of birth control pills gave women control of their fertility leading to smaller family sizes. Third, the feminist movement pushed for women to be given equal opportunity, leading to more educated women entering the workforce.

Furthermore, the wages available to women have increased through equal pay legislation and broader social acceptance.

All of this has reduced the need to have a ‘stay at home’ partner in a marriage, and also increased the opportunity cost of doing so.

If marriage had kept the same purpose and role as it had traditionally held it might well

15

have died out by now. But instead the nature of marriage has evolved. The benefits of efficiency through cohabitation still apply, but younger generations see marriage more as an opportunity to enjoy shared experiences with someone who has similar interests. A long term partner can be a complementary good to other things— for example, if you enjoy traveling, having a partner who also enjoys traveling enhances that experience.

This means that younger generations are quite happy to see marriage include homosexuals, and marriage has also become an institution which homosexuals are more interested in associating with. One caveat: I believe it’s likely that this shift in the focus of marriage from a predominantly economic to social institution is a significant cause of growing inequality in Western society. In a world where interests define who we marry, the educated and intelligent marry each other, entrenching social stratification and reducing mobility.

16: L∆NGU∆GE

✎ CHRIS McINTYRE

THE

CURIOUS

FACES BEHIND

OUR

LETTERING Language is expressed through a Myriad of typefaces, each of which has its own Impact on the written form. It’s a peculiar world—think Gotham sans Batman—and one which has found a home in Wellington. This week, Salient’s Chris McIntyre has Georgia on his mind, and gets to the point with some who have made a Courier out of typeface design.

EG∆UGN∆L :71

TYPICAL TERMS Body: The whole character.

Base line: The line on which type sits—think invisible refill lines.

Mean line: The top of a lower-case letter. x-height: Half-way between the base and mean lines.

Ascenders: Anything rising above the mean line.

many people have—he’s found a sort of New Zealand aesthetic.” Parallels are drawn to JeanFrançois Porchez, designer of the Paris Metro’s quintessentially French typeface, Parisine. Yan sees Sowersby’s typefaces as a contemporary take on modern New Zealand, and believes— in the last 7 years, especially—“he’s managed to redefine what New Zealand type is about”.

A

t age 5, Jack Yan looked up at the alphabet on his classroom wall: “capital A, little a, capital B, little b— but the little j didn’t have a tail on it, which of course meant it was set in Futura. I noticed that at age 5,” he tells Salient proudly.

For the next hour the type designer, publisher, 2010 mayoral candidate and Victoria alumnus waxed lyrical about Wellington, language, and all things type.

Yan believes Wellington has become the home of typeface design within New Zealand, though admittedly this has occurred “by accident”. He quickly reels off no less than seven Wellington-based type designers, emphasising the importance of each in turn. His appreciation for fellow craftsmen is eminently evident, especially for one Kris Sowersby; someone “born with a gift” for type design. Both Sowersby and Yan identify another Wellingtonian, Joe Churchward, as the pivotal figure in New Zealand type design. Since drawing letters in the sands of his childhood homeland, Samoa, Churchward has designed over 580 typefaces—reportedly more than any other individual—including a notable contribution to the Dominion Post masthead.

Yan’s own love for type did not begin at primary school, but has been life-long. “I think if you’ve been open to it that long, you do gain an instinct for it...It’s something you’re born with,” he explains.

Sowersby has created a number of iconic typefaces, too: Serrano is the approachable, friendly typeface for BNZ, while NZ Rugby Chisel’s stoic prestige represents the All Blacks and NZRU. While Sowersby doesn’t believe New Zealand has “had the time, population or resources to develop a typeface culture,” Yan sees his contributions as providing an image for New Zealand type. To Yan, Sowersby “has managed to do something that I don’t think

When Yan laments Wellington’s creative sector as “not [being] as strong as it could be”, he sounds very much like the mayoral candidate he was in 2010. As he outlines the need for creative clusters and greater facilitation by local government, he becomes (even more) purposeful—animated even— with his vision.

His vision for a city which lives up to its potential, not only creatively, but economically, is considered and well-rounded. He approaches it with the same passion he exudes when describing type. To Yan, that “very few have taken any leadership role” in successfully growing Wellington’s creative sector seems as much a disappointment as the grotesque stretching of Sonoran Sans Serif to Swiss widths undertaken by type giant Monotype Corporation to construct Arial.

Descenders: Anything descending below the mean line.

Counters: Enclosed or semi-enclosed areas of the body, e.g. inside the o.

Bowl: The curved shape a letterform possess e.g. a b or o Stem: The main stroke of the body Serif: A font with ‘feet’, e.g. Baskerville Sans serif: A font without ‘feet’, e.g. Calibri Kern: Part of the letter that over—or under— hangs its body.

Kerning: The science of proportional spacing, e.g. ‘AV’ being placed closer together than ‘AS’ Point size: A unit used for measuring type and space. One point equals 0.351358 mm.

“Arial would be my least favourite [typeface], I think it’s horrible” Yan quickly offers; he prefers Helvetica, and blames Monotype’s cheap copy for the resulting monstrosity. Their efforts to turn an essentially British design Swiss is “like getting Oliver Reed into Boris Becker’s trunks”.

“I won’t look at a CV if it’s set in When pressed for his favourite Arial, if it’s for a designer [using Arial font, Yan pauses for a moment: shows] you obviously don’t care. Pick “if I said any one, I’m going something that’s new” to offend a whole bunch of mates”. Later in the interview, Yan decides ITC Galliard by his friend Matthew Carter (creator of Verdana and Georgia) is his favourite “at the moment”, but “that could change next week. Just like your moods change day-to-day, or hour-to-hour, I think your type favourites change as well, to suit your mood. Galliard, it’s so beautifully done”. His passion is palpable.

If he’s sitting down to write something to himself, Yan will always pick a typeface which suits how he’s feeling. Programs like MS Office which force a default font are in some ways fatally flawed—though Office’s current default, Calibri, is designed by another of Yan’s friends: Dutchman Lucas de Groot. The flaw of a default font is not a failing of Calibri, or indeed

18: L∆NGU∆GE

THINGS YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT TYPE KRIS SOWERSBY

Letters which appear the same height often aren’t. This is to make sure that round and pointed letters don’t appear shorter, e.g. an o or an s.

The dot of an i in a serif font is not directly above the stem, but slightly to the left.

The stem of a lower case t is usually thicker at the base, to make it appear more stable.

There is no English word for the at sign (@).

Amphora, arobase (French). arroba (Spanish), apserand, and ampersat are all accepted monikers.

‘Quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog’ is not the shortest sentence using the entire alphabet. More concise alternatives include ‘quick wafting zephyrs vex bold Jim’, ‘sphinx of black quartz judge my vow’, ‘zany eskimo craves fixed job with quilting party’ and Salient’s favourite, ‘Playing Jazz vibe chords quickly excites my wife.’

Fonts are designed for specific purposes; Times New Roman is tight, with small ascenders and descenders in order to maximise space on a newspaper page, legible at small scales, while Verdana was meant for web and not designed for print.

COMIC SANS The bane of many type aficionadi, and perhaps the most polarising typeface of all time. Designed in 1994 by Vincent Connare—a typographic engineer from Microsoft—Comic Sans was intended to be an accessible and appealing typeface for a user-friendly software package called Microsoft Bob. After being introduced in Windows 95, it spread to websites, the BBC, Time magazine, Adidas advertisements, and the sides of ambulances in Wisconsin. It is derided as immature, frivolous, and visually jarring (see www. bancomicsans.com), yet supported in similar measures on other corners of the internet (comicsansproject.tumblr.com). A favourite for 10-year-olds’ book reports across the world. Yan has no problem with Comic Sans; Connare—Yan refers to him as ‘Vinnie’—is a mate. However, he does see the downsides of such a casual font: “There was [a warning sign for electric rails] in Australia which was in Comic Sans...You think, is that a joke?

Maybe I should come too close to the rails, maybe there’s a gag and Jeremy Beadle will pop out”. Comic Sans was inexplicably used by Dan Gilbert, owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers, in a missive to departing superstar LeBron James. The line “Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.” was as mixed as messages get. alphabet

the preceding default Times New Roman, but a failing which eventuates from their resulting overuse.

“Say I sent you a letter in Times. Well, Inland Revenue also sent you a letter in times, ‘cause they were using Times for a while. [So using Times is] not going to do your business any good. What if an institution you don’t like, say, the debt collector, sends a letter in Calibri?

Then your business sends a letter in Calibri?

Then your letter’s going to look like a debt collection notice”.

Of particular note to students, the same "Georgia-fonted papers tend to get A grades, principle applies to CVs and essays. Yan’s Times New Roman-fonted papers get A- grades, and Trebuchet-fonted papers get B grades." advice for students is this: “your CV in Times or Arial will look very dull. I won’t look at a CV if it’s set in Arial, if it’s for a designer [using Arial shows] you obviously don’t care. Pick something that’s new—look at a Georgia, at a Baskerville, at a Minion.” any typeface, Yan believes a passage will look “right” in Italian—“the words are a decent, Further advice come when Yan references moderate length, the spaces look quite (admittedly non-scientific) research from a regular...it’s got a very calm look. Compare that web-designer, who found Georgia-fonted with German; it’s at the opposite end of the papers tend to get A grades, Times New scale—you’re going to have a very disrupted Roman-fonted papers get A- grades, and looking layout. English is probably somewhere Trebuchet-fonted papers get B grades. in between because it’s a bastard language, While this observation may not hold much it takes elements from Latin [and] Germanic academic weight, isn’t using Georgia simply languages, so it’s probably not the best looking the natural extension of not using Comic Sans or—Helvetica forbid—Curlz MT? Yan advises: language in the world to set”. Quindi, studenti d’Italiano siete fortunati. “if you can’t get type right, the whole thing falls apart. I think typography is fundamental to good visual communications”.

The chosen typeface is not the only determinant of the effectiveness; language bears a large part in creating a pleasing layout.

Yan describes how setting text in different languages gives different effects, an observation no doubt informed by his multilingualism. In

Type will always be an integral component of any published document. Yan compares it to cuisine: “If you go and have dinner, you choose a good wine. It’s very important to know what you’re doing. [Choosing good type is] maybe more important than the wine at a dinner, because if you think about it, type has a subliminal effect … something set in Verdana is going to look more serious than Comic Sans, however something set in Times is going to look more serious than something set in Verdana”

As for the future, the use of type on the web is a huge emerging market. With the number of fonts exploding into the hundreds of thousands, Yan wonders where this huge proliferation is going to lead. Perhaps, the most suitable sign of the Times is ‘&’. ▲

JACK YAN

The author would like to thank Jack Yan and Kris Sowersby, and acknowledges the work of Simon Garfield and Eye magazine’s Mark Thompson.

From Late Latin alphabētum, from Ancient Greek άλφάβητος (alphabētos), from the first two letters of the Greek alphabet, alpha and beta, from Phoenician aleph (“ox”) and beth (“house”), so called because they were pictograms of those objects.

✎ PATRICK HUNN

EG∆UGN∆L :91

PUNK TU AT ED THE L E S S - T H A N NECE S S A R Y HIST O R Y OF T H E G R A M M A R MAVE R I C K S

In one interesting case, French poet Alcanter de Brahm decided in the late 19th Century that the masses were too stupid to understand the subtleties of his verse. His problem, he argued, was that irony and sarcasm were too hard to express on the page and so he introduced the pointe d’ironie, in the form of a backwards question mark, to rectify language’s greatest shortcoming. Obviously, he was very successful

Some people have ideas that never really catch on. Usually this is because they are designed to serve a purpose that people feel they can adequately serve themselves already. On the other hand, sometimes a new idea exposes people to a need they didn’t know they had before. This is why hamburgers, mouthwash and novelty socks are so popular.

Others, unlike Brahm, merely decided that language was too insipid for their liking. The interrobang, for instance, is the highly excitable offspring of an exclamation mark and a question mark and makes both dramatic and banal sentences thrilling and difficult to understand.

For instance; “Can you please buy some milk on the way home‽” is, with the help of the interrobang, transformed from a depiction of bland domesticity into an exciting expression worthy of the worst Soviet-era spy film.

You get the idea‽ The downside is that because the interrobang does all the work for you, and is so hopelessly dramatic, it becomes highly addictive‽ And before long‽ begins‽ to domi‽nate‽ your wri‽ti‽ng‽‽‽‽

Perhaps heady on the literary power granted by these new toys, another French poet, Hervé Basin, decided to add some more. The French have a lot to answer for. Amongst his many creations were the doubt point, which I’m not sure about The certitude point, which I’m perfectly sure is completely unnecessary I know

that the authority point is not My feelings towards the indignation point can scarcely be put into words I adore the idea of taking a machete to the slender, quivering neck of the love point Really, this sort of nonsense only results in the words slipping ou of onr convrol as the punctuation muscles its way in and begins to take over.

Imagine if we threw a few of these into, say, a famous play or book. Look at this excerpt from that dramatic classic Jaws, for instance, with some minor changes made; “You know the thing about a shark, he’s got lifeless eyes Black eyes like a doll’s eyes ”

With the help of the love point this line loses the air of violence and tension that Jaws is so well known for and becomes instead a powerful exploration of the human capacity for interspecies love. This is why the love point is so appalling: it will force its way into your head and hump everything until it pleads for more.

Sometimes people fiddle, with language more than anything. I fiddle all the time. I’m sure you fiddle too. Sometimes, though, people fiddle in a way that impinges on the way we live our lives. This is how we have abominations like those little pine-shaped car fragrance things and bubble-gum flavoured ice cream. This is sort of an example of that. Maybe. Oh. Oh no ▲

20: L∆NGU∆GE

✎ FAIROOZ SAMY

I

SLUR RING YOUR WORDS ON TH E O F F E N S I V E

IN TH E C A M P A I G N

OF LANGUA G E R E C L A M A T I O N

Dyke. Queer. N****r. Cunt. All words that would earn the speaker dirty looks, accusations of Tourette’s, or even physical retaliation. Recently, the phenomenon of ‘language reclamation’ has been particularly visible, thanks to things like slutwalk, the increasing recognition of LGBT rights, and the mainstreaming of the N word in popular culture. Slang once used to deliberately shame and abuse socially misfit groups has been ‘taken back’ by minorities, the purpose being that acceptance of slurs steeped in decades of intolerance can nullify their hateful intent. To advocates of appropriation, it’s not about erasing the history that bred terms like ‘fag’ and ‘dyke’, but recognising that they have the power to change meanings.

EG∆UGN∆L :12

definition of the word. The same can be said for words like ‘cunt’, and ‘n***a’, and almost any group-specific slur, because if you aren’t a member of those marginalised group, your ‘right’ to reclamation is seen as less valid.

Opponents point to this as a ‘double standard’ that reinforces “The psychological wounds left from years of the negativity of derogatory words, racism/homophobia/misogyny can sometimes since they remain ‘too rude to be never heal, and to older generations who’ve spoken’ by those in an ‘outsider’ battled against the tirade of slander, embracing group. They argue that it’s a form the vitriol can be difficult to understand.” of social ostracism, replacing old socio-cultural divisions with new ones. Intolerant people might not be able to say ‘fag’ or ‘tranny’ in public, but they can still think it and continue its malicious objectives with other like-minded bigots. This is, however, a pessimistic view. Derogatory language is about power, and while we might not be able to eradicate bigots, reclamation is a step in the right direction, if for no other reason than it’s better than doing nothing.

It’s empowering for some members of communities who’ve felt haunted by prejudice, and taken authority away from previously untouched institutions.

O

f course, change doesn’t happen overnight. Opponents of reclamation are often the ones who have suffered the stings of derogatory language first-hand.

The psychological wounds left from years of racism/homophobia/misogyny can sometimes never heal, and to older generations who’ve battled against the tirade of slander, embracing the vitriol can be difficult to understand.

Racial stereotypes for example, include layers of sinister connotations that lay within the discourses used to frame them. Guido, mammy, kike, towel head, and other ugly slurs seem to be permanent weapons of racism, seen as ‘their tools’ and ‘their words’. To the naysayers, linguistic ownership is unchangeable.

Following this logic, derogatory words can, at worst, reinforce the same false tropes, repeating and perpetuating discriminatory views that could be used against the very groups trying defeat a legacy of injustice.

These concerns are valid, but the aim of those who want to reclaim slurs is to take away the stigma by either neutralising its meaning, or turning the word in to something positive.

Derogatory words cause pain, and proponents of appropriation say that facing the hurt head on is the only way to make things better. If, say, ‘dyke’ is embraced for what it’s taken to mean (being a lesbian) then calling yourself a dyke entails taking ownership of your sexual status and refusing to acknowledge the homophobic intent behind people who use it as an insult. It’s not a perfect response, but is sometimes a necessary one. On that note, the issue of who uses what slurs is important.

If you reclaim the word ‘bitch’, you do so with the goal of discarding its pejorative associations, and if you call a friend a ‘bitch’, you do it knowing that they share your

cunt

Nevertheless, reclamation is tricky. There are a range of social discriminations that haven’t yet been explored enough, such as physical disabilities and mental illness. The media might be on board right now, but the groups at the centre of the reclamation debates don’t have a unanimous stance on the topic. Nor should they. Language, experience, and prejudice are interconnected. They affect everyone differently, but one thing stays the same-as long as we have social intolerance, we’ll have derogatory words.

considered acceptable when used by the group it was originally intended to shame— gay, or ‘effeminate’ men. Having originated as early as the 16th Century, ‘fag’ is still going strong in the homophobic stakes. It remains a popular insult among heterosexual men (and rappers) and is considered one of the most offensive slurs within the LGBT community.

Though the word is slowly gaining traction with the younger generation, it has miles to go before it can disassociate itself from the heyday of sexual oppression. It’s also a favourite of the Westboro Baptist Church, and a British slang term for ‘cigarette’.

Cunt: The only word more controversial than ‘Fuck’, cunt continues to be the most offensive thing you can call a woman (as depicted in the How I Met Your Mother episode ‘How Lily Stole Christmas’). For some females, cunt is on par with asshole, not particularly offensive and without the derogatory intent. A subset of feminists who incorporate it in to everyday conversation think that regular usage is a necessary part of eroding the venom. Fun fact: you can’t wiki ‘cunt’ on university internet because of its adult/mature content’ label.

Slut: The reclamation word du jour, slut has been in the headlines recently because of the Slutwalk movement and the accompanying media breakthrough. The positive thing about the term is that it’s made victim-blaming and rape culture a talking point again, and in shining a spotlight on those important issues, age-old societal beliefs are slowly being challenged.

Fat: ‘Fat’ is a tricky one since it’s also an acceptable clinical term. Additionally, it’s most likely to be the first stigma people experience or the first insult they hurl on the playground.

Despite being seen as the ‘lesser’ term on this list, the negative connotations associated with fatness are so socially accepted that many still refuse the need to even reclaim the term.

While some people want to strip away the standards that lead to the equation of ‘fat’ with ‘undesirable’, advocates of fat acceptance want to own their larger shapes as a symbol of selflove and beauty. The movement is small, but growing. ▲

THE LEXICONS OF FREEDOM & OPPRESSION: N****r: Of all the words in this article, N***** is still the one we can’t spell out, and that speaks to its inherently racial groundings.

The least subjugated members of society (white, middle-class heterosexuals) can sometimes use terms like ‘cunt’ and ‘dyke’ if their motives have been ‘verified’ by the groups in question. Because the 'N word' relates so deeply to the experiences of one group, it’s difficult for even the most wellmeaning of writers to use (such as this one).

Arguably, it began the resurgence of reclaimed language, at least in popular media. It’s become a staple of ‘gritty urban’ movies and every rap song since 1990, and is “Language is powerful, and while we might often used as a term of endearment within African-American slang, yet the not be able to eradicate bigots, reclamation is a step in the right direction, if for no other debate over whether this is a good thing remains hotly contested in that reason than it’s better than doing nothing.” community. What’s interesting about the 'N word' is its appropriation in to other racial lexicons. It’s not unusual to find white people (typically male adolescents) using the term as a friendly way to refer to each other, without any malice aforethought as to the appropriateness of their usage.

Fag/faggot: Like the 'N word', this one is only

(n.) from Middle English cunte, from Old English cunte, from Proto-Germanic kuntōn. Shares the same root as Frisian kunte, dialectal Swedish kunta, dialectal Danish kunte, Dutch kont (“arse”) and Icelandic kunta. A relationship to Latin cunnus has not been conclusively shown.

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✎ HENRY COOKE

B R AN DS P LAIN P ACKAGING

FOR A ND THE DEMISE

THE O F THE ROMANTIC

B U R NI N G C IGARET TE I don’t smoke, but I do have a kind of affinity for Marlboro Reds. The logotype, with its toweringly tall ‘l’ and ‘b’, the white arrow pointing upwards, the textured red area that feels incredible to run your fingers over—packaging isn’t often this pleasurable. Most brand identities are pretty forgettable. Some aren’t though. There exists a small group of brand identities that have deeply embedded themselves in the public consciousness. fag

(n.) British slang for “cigarette” (especially the butt of a smoked cigarette), 1888, probably from fag-end “extreme end, loose piece” (1610s), from fag “loose piece” (late 15c.), which is perhaps related to fag (v.) “to droop, decline, tire,” 1520s, apparently an alteration of flag in its verbal sense of “droop.” .

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hink of the glowing fruit on the back of your laptop, the swooshy tick on the side of your tattered running shoes, the bird on the corner of your paperback.

But branding is perhaps most important to cigarette producers; they can’t traditionally advertise so differentiating themselves at the counter is crazy important. It isn’t exactly difficult to understand why they are so vehemently opposed to plain packaging.

Plain packaging is exactly what it sounds like. It is the proposal to make all cigarette packages look the same, in addition to the requisite varied grotesque imagery. The name of the brand is still printed on the package, but just that, and all in the same no-frills sans serif type.

The Australian Government will implement it by 2013, after surviving a lawsuit from Big Tobacco.† Our Government, like many around the world, has endorsed the idea “in principle”, and the policy is currently in the public consultation phase.

The argument is basically that bright and attractive cigarette packaging pulls children into smoking, while established smokers know the brands they like and thus have no need for fancy logos. On the other side, Big Tobacco argues that their brands are valuable intellectual property, that “there is no evidence that plain packaging will stop children smoking.” Further, they argue that consenting adults have the right to be manipulated by pretty packaging. You have probably seen their huge advertising campaign, the full page newspaper ads and TV spots which “agree that tobacco is harmful,” but “disagree that plain packaging will work.”

It would be easy for me to get really heavy here. I could bring up my grandfather who smoked (died of unrelated causes) or despair over all my friends who smoke (I probably won’t know them in fifty years). I’d rather not; it’s not the point. The question is whether plain-packaging will work. I mean, if we do go down the road of plain packaging, why not go full on ‘ugly packaging’? I’m talking a dark purple backdrop with a mustardy brown Papyrus (Comic Sans is too kid-friendly) title.

The colours aren’t exciting enough to attract children and it loses all the cool minimalist

“I mean, if we do go down the road of plain packaging, why not go full on ‘ugly packaging’? I’m talking a dark purple backdrop with a mustardy brown Papyrus (Comic Sans is too kid-friendly) title.”

edge of regular plain packaging. You could stop design students smoking immediately.

Let’s look at the ad campaign. It must be all kinds of fun for the advertising executives who haven’t had anything to do with Kiwi tobacco in years. The ads are smart—there are no pictures of cigarettes or the like—just the word “create” in the process of creation with lines leading to a bald male (always a bald male) head. “If I create it, I should own it,” claims the ad, and that statement is hard to disagree with. Of course, Big Tobacco will still ‘own’ all these brands, they just won’t be able to use them in certain countries. This is kind of like me claiming that you don’t ‘own’ something China has banned. Claiming intellectual property is a good way to escape being pushed into a corner however; in 2012 you can’t argue that tobacco is not harmful and you can’t argue that your branding is not there to sell as much tobacco as possible either. There is an interesting kind of duality forced upon tobacco companies in this era, a catch-22 with which they must come to grips.

They must both promote their product whilst telling people how horrible it is. They have no “drink responsibly” or “enjoy in moderation” to fall back on, they just try to play down the rotting foot hovering above their logo.

Branding is obviously most important at the point of purchase. I don’t have a whole lot of experience with this. The one time I have purchased tobacco (for a friend who had forgotten their ID), I mistakenly asked for ‘Parkway Drive’ instead of ‘Park Drive’, (a warning sign to double check my ID, surely) and I don’t remember looking at the packages at all. I do understand the power of brands with other disposable purchases however, when I consider the extent that I prefer Extra to PK even though I can’t taste the difference, my use of any deodorant other than Lynx, and how I immediately trust that Scrumpy is the cheapest just because it looks the cheapest.

Brands aren’t always about telling you that a product is good—often the ‘cheapness’ is desired. Pak ‘n’ Save looks cheap and New World looks expensive, even though they are both owned by the same company and stock largely the same goods. This kind of false competition is lucrative.

Why bother having a range of cigarette lines aimed at varied demographics/lifestyles when they all look exactly the same? It’s hard to convey ‘sophisticated twenty something’ when you look exactly the same as “Is there any way to fix the coolness factor ‘won’t break the bank.’ Here of smoking itself? Should we regulate the is what Big Tobacco is really appearance of actual cigarettes? Should I stop worried about: not that fewer asking rhetorical questions?” kids will start smoking, but that you’ll stop identifying in

any way with your brand of cigarette, that the emotional connection will be lost. You won’t remember the fun you had smoking as a teen because this bland package of cancer looks nothing like your youth. The grotesque pictures make the assumption that smokers are worrying about their future, but taking away packaging removes an aspect of smokers’ pasts.

Every smoker in my super-scientific, eight-ofmy-friends study, told me they smoked certain brands for the taste, not the packaging. People always see themselves as smart consumers, above the ordinary masses who make irrational purchasing decisions. A few of them, with some prodding, admitted they might switch to the cheapest possible brand. None said plain packaging would stop them smoking, although like all young smokers, they have vague plans to quit. Somewhat surprisingly, they were all for plain packaging, mostly “to stop kids starting,” notwithstanding the fact that they all began in their teen years. Nonsmokers seemed more likely to be against it, often worrying that the “counterfeit” nature of plain packaging would only make them more appealing to children. I asked the smokers why they started smoking, and while many acknowledged the ‘it looks fucking awesome’ factor, this was always related to the actual smoking, not the package or purchase. Is there any way to fix the coolness factor of smoking itself? Should we regulate the appearance of actual cigarettes? Should I stop asking rhetorical questions?

The first scene of the first episode of Mad Men, which I have somehow avoided referencing until now, illustrates this perfectly.

Don Draper asks “an Old Gold man” who smoked them in “The War” what would happen if Old Gold went out of business. He’s saddened at the prospect, but admits “I think I could find something new,” pausing, before adding: “I love smoking!” ▲ † ‘Big Tobacco’ isn’t just Aaron Eckhart, it generally means British American Tobacco, ( Dunhill, Kent, Lucky Strike, Pall Mall, Holiday, Freedom, Park Drive), Philip Morris (Marlboro, Longbeach) Japan Tobacco (Camels, Winston) and Imperial Tobacco (Drum, Horizon.)

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✎ MOLLY McCARTHY

G SPEAKING NIKAEPS N I NI

IN P U R S U I T O F AN IN T E R N A T I O N A L LANGUAGE

S TONGUES EUGNOT If you’ve ever travelled in a non-English speaking country, or—a little closer to home—just wanted to know what a packet of pink gloop at the Asian supermarket is, you’ve probably wondered how much easier life would be if we all spoke the same language.

Throughout history a number of attempts have been made to create an international language; one that would allow two people from opposite corners of the world to speak volumes to one another. Yet despite earnest attempts and good intentions, these constructed languages have, for the most part, failed.

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A

s our world is drawn ever closer through the advancement of technology, globalisation of culture, and international commerce and cooperation, our need to be able to communicate clearly with people from around the world grows ever more important—but will we ever speak eye-to-eye?

because its adherents are spread so sparsely across the globe.

Slang, for example, is not common in Esperanto, as regional variations of the language—such as the development of slang and idioms—would make it difficult for the language to be understood internationally.

Victoria University’s Professor of Linguistics Laurie Bauer notes in Q & Eh, “is far greater than the proportion of endangered birds.”

In addition to languages at risk of dying out completely, even the integrity of the more well-established languages of the world is threatened by the worldwide spread of English. French’s le weekend and Japanese pikunikku (picnic) are prime examples of the numerous English words and phrases that have been adopted into a variety of foreign languages.

A lack of incentives for learning a constructed language and its inability to develop naturally are problems that have plagued attempts at A LANGUAGE FOR EVERYONE creating an international language throughout At the end of the 19th Century, growing history. Even sign language, which may seem up in a town that was home to Russians, Beyond the words themselves, the ways in like a glaring opportunity for the world’s Poles, Germans, and Jews, Ludvig Lazar which we use language also play an important citizens to speak as one, features significant Zamenhof saw from an early age that the cultural role. It is shown in the titles we use variations from country to country. Almost linguistic division between these groups led to address each other; reflected in the topics every country has its own sign language, and to “misery”. “In such a town we choose to address, and with whom. It is some even have a range of a sensitive nature feels more inherent in the European ability to differentiate regional dialects. Gestuno, or “Today, Esperanto boasts acutely... that the diversity of between a formal and informal “you”; selfInternational Sign Language, approximately two million languages is the first, or at least evident in Korean’s seven levels of formality has faced a similar fate to proficient speakers the most influential, basis for in speech, each with their own nouns and Esperanto, its oral counterpart. worldwide, making it the the separation of the human verb-endings. Could it be that these more Despite its use at international family into groups of enemies.” most successful constructed conventions such as the subtle cultural-specific linguistic features, language intended for Zamenhof soon became which affect how we live and the way we World Federation of the convinced that the only way international use to date.” Deaf congress, outside of view the world, also risk extinction in the face forward was to craft a language of English becoming the common mode of these contexts, the uptake of that allowed all humans to communication?

Gestuno has not been as prolific as its creators speak as equals, regardless of their native may have hoped. The simple fact remains— But foreign languages might not be the only tongue. And so, Esperanto was born. most people would rather speak a living ones at risk if English continues to grow in its language than an artificial one.

It took Zamenhof ten years to craft his role as the new international lingua franca. As international language, which is built with English spreads throughout the world, and is ONE TONGUE TO RULE THEM ALL influences from a number of different used by more people and in different contexts, languages. Intended to be extremely accessible, Where constructed languages have failed, it will inevitably be adapted by these new Esperanto features phonetic spelling for ease many have turned to the possibility of English speakers. of pronunciation. There are no pesky irregular becoming the international lingua franca.

Even between New Zealand and Australia, verbs, and a limited number of prefixes, “The best hope of a world language lies not regional differences in accent and vocabulary roots, and suffixes, which allows speakers to in devising a synthetic tongue, which would can lead to confusion between nationals of the create new words rather than learn a lot of almost certainly be doomed to failure,” writes otherwise similar countries, as evidenced by vocabulary.

Bryson, “but in making English less complex the age-old jeer “fush and chups”.

In fact, according to Esperantists, an individual and idiosyncratic and more accessible.”

“The last time a language was used over can achieve proficiency with just three hours A lingua franca is a language adopted as a most of the then known world, it was Latin, of learning per week for a year, which sounds common tongue between speakers who don’t and it split up into a number of daughter significantly easier than learning French at high share a native language. Throughout history a languages whose speakers can now no longer school. number of languages—Latin, French, classical understand one another,” warns Bauer. “We Today, Esperanto boasts approximately two Chinese—have been used as lingua francas in do have to wonder to what extent the fate of million proficient speakers worldwide, making various parts of the world.

English will be the fate of Latin, and the great it the most successful constructed language unifying force of the English language will be English is already well on its way to becoming intended for international use to date. lost. This will not happen in our lifetimes, but it the international lingua franca of our time.

Yet while this figure may seem reasonably will probably happen eventually.”

Today there are approximately 340 million significant, as author Bill Bryson points out, “an native speakers of English, nearly 200 million That being said, English is enjoying its reigning Esperanto speaker has about as much chance speakers of English as a second language, and glory in circumstances very different to those of encountering another as a Norwegian has over one billion people learning the language of Latin’s domination. We live in a world that of stumbling on a fellow Norwegian in, say, world-wide. is more interconnected than ever before, and Mexico.” this trend is only likely to continue. While the And this linguistic ubiquity is only likely to So, where did it all go wrong? Why does development of regional quirks and dialects increase. a language that is ten times easier to learn of English is inevitable, is its eventual evolution than English only have a mere fraction as into over twenty distinct languages? Perhaps BUT AT WHAT COST? many speakers? Well, there are a number not. ▲ It is no secret that the languages we speak of problems. Esperanto has never been the official language of any state, so it is not readily and the way we use them reflect a great deal about our cultures and lifestyles. To that end, associated with opportunities for business or many linguists are concerned about travel, which are some of the main reasons “Over fifty per cent of the world’s languages the amount of culture that may be that individuals learn a foreign language. lost as a number of languages fall at are currently endangered, which, as Victoria Secondly—and perhaps most importantly— risk of becoming extinct in the face University’s Professor of Linguistics Laurie the language is, by its very nature, an artificial of our new lingua franca. Over fifty Bauer notes in Q & Eh, “is far greater than the one. However easy Esperanto’s rules may be per cent of the world’s languages proportion of endangered birds.” to master, the language has limited scope for are currently endangered, which, as being developed and picked up organically, Salient writer Molly McCarthy investigates.

english

(n.) from Old English Englisc, from Engle (pl.) “the Angles,” the name of one of the Germanic groups that overran the island 5c., supposedly so-called because Angul, the land they inhabited on the Jutland coast, was shaped like a fish hook.

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✎TODD ATTICUS

I

TAL K ING

THE DECEITFUL ART OF RHETORIC

DIRTY Language can be a deliciously distracting thing. Isn’t this the desired effect for many of your fellow Salient readers, who pluck their copy from a newsstand in the hope of just that? Language lulls us, but in acquiescing to the silky appeal of words, we can easily overlook its true intent. blow job

(n.) 1961, from blow + job. Possibly begun as a euphemism for suck, or it might refer to the explosive climax of an orgasm. As recently as the early 1950s, military pilots could innocently talk of their jet planes as blow jobs.

EG∆UGN∆L :92

US president Bill Clinton can teach us a lot about this very notion. His addressing of the rumours of an affair with White House intern Monica Lewinsky in 1998 dealt in unspoken truths. In stating that he “did not have sexual relations” with Lewinsky he also failed to reveal his definition of the phrase (oral sex apparently didn’t qualify). What most people would call “lying”, Clinton possibly referred to as a “blowjob”.

D

Politics is the most obvious lair in which to find rhetoric. Being the salespeople of ideas, politicians are keenly adept in the use, and misuse, of language. Current US president Barack Obama, rose to office in 2008 on the wave of a single phrase (“yes we can”).

Perhaps ironically, his opposition found cause for complaint in the longer verbiage of the hopeful presidential nominee: his rhetoric.

In the face of Obama’s lengthy and heavily penned addresses, Republican Rick Santorum stated that Obama was “just a person of words,” hoping to frame his ability to communicate verbally as a deficit of genuine action.

your language.” It is a branch of rhetoric that is harder to detect because it is delivered unsuspectingly and veiled in apparent distaste for such trickery.

It can be an incredibly persuasive thing. This strange logic means that figures like Homer Simpson can occasionally sound—at times against your better judgement—unbecomingly profound. It had the same effect on the fellow occupants of Forrest Gump’s bench.

So transfixed was Gump’s unwitting audience that several of them choose not to board the buses they sat waiting for as the apparent simpleton regaled them with his engrossing verbal autobiography.

This levelling of the speaker’s intellect is a tool of ‘ethos’ in classical Greek terminology.

It labels one of the most compelling facets to rhetoric: the attempt to establish the authority of the speaker with the audience. Deliberately paring-down her language was Sarah Palin’s means of ingratiating herself with Middle America. This was ethos in the form of the Everyman.

iscounting myself, a mere reporter Ethos can also manifest itself as the wearing and humble enthusiast before your Two years later, Obama was under fire again, of one’s credentials openly. There is nothing gracious selves, there are many this time from opponents to his Health Care more convincing (or disarming) as an who frequently use language to Reform bill. Again, the power of argument that begins with the disclosure of an direct—or divert—attention. So rhetoric is hammered home in “What most people undeniable truth. Take the sentiments of the commonplace is language that it the form of a leaked memo. new multi-million dollar campaign from British can be squeezed into hiding from would call ‘lying’, Clinton possibly referred to as a Guidance from one of Fox American Tobacco (BAT): itself, squirrelling its intentions ‘blowjob’.”

News’s managing editors to its away with it.

“We agree tobacco is harmful. We disagree reporters sought to encourage with plain packaging because it prevents Did you notice the alliterative the language of journalism to sway viewer companies using the legal branding they’ve appeal to this article’s opening sentence, for opinion. Riding on a wave of anti-government created and invested in.” example? Or pick up the direct address of feeling, the editor suggested replacing the the second? You’d certainly be forgiven for This is rhetoric at its most pointed. In given term 'public option' for the incendiary overlooking their subtly outstretched arms; acknowledging the harm of their product, 'government-run health insurance'. In instances you are, after all, a busy and engaged university they paint themselves as the purveyors of where accuracy was desired, the instruction student—nay, citizen of the world—with more truth and reason. By the time you’ve read and was to subtly side-step the formality: "when important and interesting matters to attend considered the second sentence (deliberately it is necessary to use the term 'public option' to than my rhetorical trickery. Whoever said styled to avoid touching on the reasons why use the qualifier 'so-called' as in 'the so-called flattery never gets you anywhere? governments are considering imposing plain public option'." A simple but effective ploy. cigarette packaging) the hope is that you’re Sometimes all it takes is a leaked memo for The "hockey mom" of Republican politics, amenable to anything else they say on the us to realise something we already know.

Sarah Palin, put her faith in a more matter. When accompanied by the youthful Words, it turns out, really are powerful unconventional strategy during the 2008 modern graphics of its print and broadcast things—especially when describing food dishes. election campaign. Hers was a self-styled output, these rhetorical sentiments are given a A recent photograph appeared to show a rhetorical game that turned the language weight and conviction that few would willingly list of adjectives wait staff at Jamie Oliver’s of politics in on itself. Instead of fielding the ascribe an international lobby group for restaurants use when describing the menu to vocabulary of her fellow campaigners, she cigarette manufacturers. customers. It is left to us, however, to decide opted to woo the populist vote with slang. quite which proceeding adjective makes a BAT’s advertising strategy proves that Acknowledging—perhaps correctly—the bowl of fries more tempting: “harmonious”, though rhetoric may be as old as the hills, distaste for impenetrable lingo for vast swathes “proper rustic” or “feel good”. it is continually relevant. Seen through of the American voter, Palin decided to trade the conniving or deceptive use of admen, It was also left to commentators to observe exclusively in the language of her constituents. politicians and lobbyists, it is easy to that the phenomenon of floral description Her own brand of anti-rhetoric sought to understand why rhetoric is much overlooked. is less frequently observed the further up or disguise her inexperience in the language But we ignore it at our peril. In allowing down the culinary spectrum one travels. You of government as a friendly olive branch ourselves to be artfully distracted, we permit may be interested to note how sparsely the to the man on the street. It certainly made our thoughts and actions to be influenced dishes are described in Wellington’s very own the world’s media sit up and pay attention by others. In this respect, British American Logan Brown, with only their dessert option— (though not for the reasons she intended. See: Tobacco’s rhetoric is possibly as harmful as the “Over-the-Moon Galactic Gold with White Fig ‘repudiate’). tobacco products they promote. ▲ compote and Oat Wafers”—boasting anything Anti-rhetoric is a clever game to play. In the bordering on digression. task of persuasion, it can be favourable to In the interplay of language, sometimes it is remove yourself from the apparent more about what you neglect to say than what “...Homer Simpson can occasionally sound—at verbose high-mindedness and say, you do. Could it be that abstention is a vital times against your better judgement—unbecomingly as you point to your opponents, component in a rhetorician’s toolkit? Former profound...” “unlike these schmucks, I speak

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www.cosmicnz.co.nz

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VBC 88.3FM

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BOTTOM 5 tracks to help you learn

A SECOND LANGUAGE

1. KONICHIWA BITCHES ROBYN

2. ACROSS THE UNIVERSE THE BEATLES

3. HARIJUKU GIRLS

GWEN STEFANI

4. DIAMONDS ON THE SOULS OF HER SHOES PAUL SIMON

5. MACARENA

LOS DEL RIO

THE NEW ANIMAL COLLECTIVE; SO GOOD IT HZ P H I L I P M c S W E E N E Y ( M U S I C E D I TO R ) & C H R I S M C I N T Y R E

Salient has long been a font of journalistic integrity (read: treachery), whose writers belong to an upstanding tradition of innovative experimentation (read: laziness). Thus when the eagerly-anticipated Animal Collective ‘Centipede Hz’ finally hit the internet I immediately logged on to facebook to ambush fellow writer Chris McIntyre to guage his thoughts; this is a verbatim transcript of the conversation that transpired. Read at your own risk; grammar purists and the half-way literate need not apply.

PM (Philip McSweeney): Hey man, this is a pretty decent rip of the new AnCo :’) http://[REDACTED] CM (Chris McIntyre): I liked the album on first listen. Wasn’t paying full attention but it’s definitely a really good album PM: WASN’T PAYING FULL ATTENTION? That’s it yr out of the will, McIntyre. Actually are u free to chat about it at some stage?

CM: Yeah Sure!

It’s like.. Ariel Pink meets Beach Boys. It’s angrier than MPP, at first I thought less accessible, but after more listens I think it’s just as accessible.

stands out for you? For me there’s a real absence of singular memorable moments.

PM: I really love ‘New Town Burnout’. The way it slowly unfurls until all hell breaks loose, it’s just so euphoric.

CM: In general I’d say it eschews conventional song structure. Which is frustrating and liberating in equal measure. Feel at times it didn’t hang together that well; but in saying that I never felt lost while I was listening to it. And there were no real prolonged dull patches.

PM: I’m pretty serious about my AnCowhenever someone tells me MPP or Here Comes the Indian is their favourite AC album I brandish my copy of Feels at them while salivating in a frenzy of indignation etc. So i guess my love of their unusual song structure may come off as misguided fanboyism. But I think that this album works as a return to the exuberance of their earlier work, but with the ‘pop sensibilities’ (God i hate that phrase) of MPP thrown in.

PM: I agree actually! I think it’s probably the most accessible and immediate album they’ve dropped so far but there’s nothing here for listeners to really LATCH onto on a first time listen, y’know? It’s an album rife with paradox

CM: You verbally brandished Feels at me; I still think MPP is my favourite. You talked before of how it’s an album of paradox, I feel that comes in sonically with the combination of ‘popism’s and the borderline-industrial, spacey sounds used. Also with the referencing of the pop sounds (also: Pet Sounds) through the aforemetioned non-conventional song structure.

CM: Is there any song in particular which

PM: Mmm, and i definitely feel that’s a

groovy

regression (thought not necessarily a bad one) from MPP, where there was so much more of a pop focus. Example: Moonjock. When i first listned to it I had the same sense of wide-eyed wonder that i did hearing In The Flowers BUT It climaxes prematurely so they can explore more layers. *insert entendre here* In saying that, I don’t think that the layers to the music need to be parsed through or make it more difficult or whatever; they work as a conduit which channels the pop elements and invigorates them. I reck[on] the results are blissful CM: Feel like their next album will sound like it was recorded entirely in a factory making prop guns for space movies.

PM: haha CM: 4/5 ‘Busy, yet measured’. That’s the best I can adjectivise. Like you said, an album of paradoxes so one adjective can’t desribe it well. Unless that adjective is ‘paradoxical’ PM: probably 4 for me plus .2 of devotee’s bias. ‘kaleidoscopic and visceral’.

CM: But in the kaleidoscope are pretty, bright coloured shapes.

PM: God_yes Lots of good material here sonny jim think i might just publish this CM: haha you wouldn’t PM: i beg to differ

adj.) 1937, American English, in slang sense of “first-rate, excellent;” from jazz slang phrase in the groove (1932) “performing well (without grandstanding)”. As teen slang for “wonderful,” it dates from 1944; popularized 1960s, out of currency by 1980.

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film

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BERNIE 

G E R A L D L E E ( F I L M E D I TO R )

Ever since the travesty that was Gulliver’s Tales, I’ve been reluctant to see another Jack Black film. However, the pairing of Black with School of Rock’s Richard Linklater gave me hope that together they might produce another entertaining romp. Unfortunately whilst Black provides probably his best cinematic performance yet, Bernie turns out to be a

confused and underdeveloped film.

Based on a true story from the American south, the film follows the eccentric Bernie and his relationship with the bitter widow, Marjorie Nugent, which quickly takes an unpleasant turn as she twists him into her slave.

The concept is certainly ripe for comedy, but it turns out that Linklater doesn’t know

what tack to take. Bernie’s attempts at straight comedy falter, with some scenes feeling like Linklater is waiting for the audience to erupt into fits of laughter at jokes which aren’t particularly funny. More worryingly, sometimes he seems to be inviting us to laugh directly at the poor, ignorant country-folk. In contrast the black comedic elements feel undercooked, lacking any real bite or insight. That’s not to say that Bernie isn’t mostly entertaining, but it fails to truly excel at any of the comedic styles it touches upon.

What makes Bernie worth watching is Jack Black’s charismatic performance. He plays Bernie with genuine empathy, expertly bringing out the eccentricities of the man without making them feel outlandish. It’s a wonderfully nuanced and controlled turn from Black.

Unfortunately the acting is not universally excellent. Matthew McConaughey exaggerates his role as the District Attorney to the point where the character ends up feeling like a crude caricature of every cinematic Southern lawman.

In the end Bernie feels like a missed opportunity, which with a tighter script and more consistent direction could have been a masterpiece. Alas, whilst it can quite comfortably while away an afternoon, its impact dissipates as soon as the credits roll.

THE RATINGS I don’t even think LSD would make this interesting.

This week’s ratings scale in terms of what substance is needed to get through the film.

A glass of Chardonnay should suffice.

A coupla ekkies might be needed to keep you awake through this one.

Knock off a few short sharp gins and you’ll be right, mate.

Stay sober and you still might cry.

IRON SKY

The film defies all traditional means of rating.

MICHAEL KUMOVE

Finland isn’t well-known for its film industry, but judging by films like Iron Sky, it ought to be. Director Timo Vuorensela’s sophomore effort, the film’s essentials can be summed up by the infamous line from the trailer— ”They’re Nazis… from the moon!”

That’s right. After World War Two, a corps of Nazis escaped from Earth and set up camp on the dark side of the moon. They’ve been biding their time for the last seventy years, waiting to launch an attack on Earth and retake what they lost in the war.

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The amazing thing about Iron Sky is that in spite of this absurd plot it takes itself extremely seriously, quite like a deadpan comedian who never acts as though what he says is funny. The film is also very eclectic in its influences—part B-movie, war film, blaxplotation, and political satire (the President of the United States is a thinly-veiled caricature of Sarah Palin).

Is it any good? It’s certainly not boring, though the novelty of space-Nazis wears off by the final act. It’s also very well-made with some stunning special effects, but the acting leaves a lot to be desired and the writers seem unable to decide who the main character is, which limits the audience’s ability to engage with the story.

In light of this, conventional film criticism would probably deem Iron Sky to be subpar. I don’t think this is fair, though. True, the film takes itself seriously—at no point does it make reference to its own absurdity—but this doesn’t mean that it isn’t still just a big joke of a film. It’s a bigger, more expensive version of those “joke” movies you made with your friends when you were ten years old. Is it fair to attach a serious judgement to a movie that is simply outlandish? See Iron Sky and decide for yourself. It’s worth the price of admission, at least.

arts

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visual arts

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WELCOME TO THE SOUTH SEAS (1979)

SPEAKING OF ART

T O D D AT T I C U S

By Richard Killeen

RENEE GERLICH

Victoria University of Wellington Collection Monsieur G. has a horror of blasé people. He is a master of that only too difficult art—sensitive souls will understand me—of being sincere without being absurd. CHARLES BAUDELAIRE, 1863 How did we end up writing in a way that sounds like inexpertly translated French? ALEX RULE & DAVID LEVINE, 2012

The latter quote comes from a recent article* in which the authors dose electronic art journal e-flux with an amusing taste-of-ownmedicine. They deconstruct the hell out of its five years communicating in ‘International Art English’, scrutinising the vocabulary and syntax of this peculiar language.

No doubt art writing is a beast often fraught with agendas and habitus, elitism amongst its pitfalls; yet at the same time, it’s hardly a simple self-serving phenomenon. Critics play a crucial role in supporting the careers that shape our cultural environment. We’re arguably as indebted to writers and teachers for the work we love as to its makers, and at best the marriage of art and language is magic.

An excerpt from the aforementioned article on International Art English though, reads as disparagingly satirical of the whole undertaking: IAE has a distinctive lexicon: aporia, radically, space, proposition, biopolitical, tension, transversal... An artist’s work inevitably interrogates, questions, encodes, transforms, subverts, imbricates, displaces—though often it doesn’t do these things so much as it serves to, functions to, or seems to (or might seem to) do these things. IAE rebukes English for its lack of nouns: Visual becomes visuality, global becomes globality, potential becomes potentiality, experience becomes experiencability...

Mercy: surely the delicate precision involved with conceptual exploration requires a distilled vocabulary, sensitive avoidance of unintended connotations words pick up with common use. A good nugget just wants the coining of its own phrase.

So then who gets it right, this fraught craft? I asked several figures in the arts in Wellington for their favourite arts writers, a wonderfully affirming process. Ask anyone for their favourite authors, and you can feel their hearts swell; but there’s an additional, pronounced sense of camaraderie with which people love an arts writer. No wonder: writing art is often done in close proximity to both subject and audience, and demands a balance heartening when struck: sensitivity and irony, precision and poetry, poignance and play. As I inquired, it seemed that these writers are admired not for the dry genius they so apparently require, but for having a personal voice in spite of the habitus the industry appears luringly to perpetuate.

Amongst traits admired were Hamish Keith’s flair, Rob Taylor and Mark Amery’s dedication, Hamish Winn and Ron Hanson’s informed critical courage, Laura Preston’s poetics, and Danny Butt’s concern for topical issues.

Ian Wedde and Justin Paton were overall favourites; both have a wonderful knack for writing relatably in the first person.

Recurring favourites were Paton’s How to Look at a Painting, Wedde’s How to be Nowhere and Making Ends Meet, Hanson’s White Fungus editorials, and Tessa Laird’s Shards of a Jealous Potter. The writing of Wynstan Curnow, Francis Pound, Damian Skinner, Greg O’Brien, Peter Ireland, Christina Barton and Giovanni

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In 1979, artist Richard Killeen broke with the traditional format of painting to dispense with the frame. Welcome to the South Pacific, the artwork decorating the Council Chamber in Hunter Building, is one of the first Killeen produced after this revelation.

It comprises 16 shapes, variously sized and cut from aluminium. Each is coated in acrylic lacquer of red, green or blue.

Spread about the wall at roughly a hand span width apart, they depict iconic elements of Pacifika fauna and flora, and nod to historical human events (a nineteenth century sailing ship, a mask with a jawline of protruding spikes). These visual references are entries into an extensive pictorial dictionary that spans Killeen’s career.

Despite the dynamism of Killeen’s working practice, his is not a conversation that easily translates in 2012: the logo for Wishbone café could easily be this artwork’s 17th shape; reminding us that the use of symbols is now more saturated and tawdry than ever.

Intra. Luit Bieringa’s pieces on photography and Julian Dashper’s This is Not Writing.

When Justin Paton was asked how to look at a painting, he responded: "If I thought I could get away with it, I would answer that question with one word: slowly."

Looking at the list above, I think—in a world where judgements so often come hard and fast, thank God for the spheres that celebrate slowness. *triplecanopy.com

arts

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theatre

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ATTENTION

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THEATRE-MAKERS



Registrations for NZ Fringe Festival 2013 are open now until Friday 12 October. The Festival itself runs from 15 February to 9 March, the perfect project to spend your summer on before uni starts up again.

Visit the website—www.fringe.co.nz—to complete the registration process. You can also apply for Kakano funding to help get a new work up on its feet!

Things to start planning/considering for registration— venue, synopsis/theme, images, budgets, do you want to tour and do you want a Fringe 2013 t-shirt?

WHITE CLOUD—DUNCUM MEETS FINN

There will be a ‘What’s the ‘F’ in Fringe’ Forum at Capital E (Civic Square) 6pm, Wednesday 5 September and a Registration Help Day at the Toi Poneke Hub (61 Abel Smith St) 10am-3pm, Saturday 15 September, which is free for anyone to come along to.

Any enquiries, email welcome@fringe.co.nz.

J O N A T H A N P R I C E ( T H E AT R E E D I T O R )

By Tim Finn and Ken Duncum, directed by Simon Bennett

Coming to BATS this week is a new work called White Cloud, a fusion of storytelling and live music. It marks a first-time collaboration between two prominent New Zealand artists, Tim Finn and Ken Duncum, both of whom are apparently very excited by their inter-medial experiments. I spoke on the phone to Ken Duncum to find out more about their process.

There is a palpable excitement beaming down the line from Auckland. The company is in the middle of their second day of intensives, and so far the band and the actors have been rehearsing apart, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. It is the band that seems to be at the forefront of Duncum’s mind, and he talks with the liveliness of someone still buzzing from a particularly good gig: “I’ve been living with the demos for about a year and a half and being able to actually hear the live band bring them to life beyond that is amazing, it’s really exciting actually.” So how did it all begin?

Duncum’s initial correspondence with Finn began with a view to writing a screenplay about the inception of Split Enz. Though the project never left the gate, the two artists remained in “acquaintance through email” and it was Finn who rekindled the idea of a collaboration two years ago. “He saw a play of mine in Auckland in 2010 which was Horseplay, directed by Simon Bennett who’s now directing this show for us, and he enjoyed it so much that he sent me an email and said would you be interested in doing something this time. Because actually Tim’s always been interested in theatre very much. I mean you could say that Split Enz was pretty theatrical— the costume and persona and all that.”

It was during a trip to France (which must have been a lucrative holiday for Duncum, as he was also working on West End Girls over that period) that the seed of White Cloud planted itself. “We were both brought up in small, midNorth Island towns in a similar sort of time period, so I started to think about what that meant to us and what our relationship to the country and culture was, and I started to write some things about that and he started to write some songs about that. We were working sort of independently and sending stuff to each other, and that would spark something for the other one, and we kind of went back and forth with that until we got a storehouse of material which we then shaped into this show.”

A show both parties have high hopes for.

Duncum describes the upcoming premiere at BATS as “an exciting first step.… Ultimately we see it as hopefully becoming kind of like a festival show, a bigger kind of show, but we really wanted to have a sort of shake-down production and BATS was the obvious place.”

So what actually is White Cloud? Ten brand new Tim Finn songs, for starters, the music of which provides a “bed” for a range of stories and voices, drawn from family archives and personal experiences. “Both sides [the actors and musicians] are bringing a high level of skill to it, and there’s something about that live performance so that, if it works, it’s a really immersive experience. And that’s what we’re always after. Basically, the music will start to play and will continue like a river through the whole show, which takes you somewhere and drops you off at the end, seventy minutes later.”

Though Duncum stresses that the show is not all historic, delving into his family’s past has yielded some fascinating, even disconcerting 34

results. “An immediate ancestor of mine was basically the guy who brought about [the 1881 government invasion of] Parihaka.... My heritage in this country is both good and bad and there’s a certain responsibility there. I’m not unlike a lot of people in that if you don’t look you don’t see, and you don’t have to feel responsible. It’s a light and a dark and a bittersweet, poignant thing.”

Finn’s past was scrutinised too, though the musician was reticent at first. “He said, ‘I’m not even really second generation because my mum was born in Ireland’ and I said don’t worry about it, there will be amazing stuff in there. And there absolutely is, an incredible rich vein of stuff. It’s not about counting generations, it’s about the human experience.”

As it turns out, a lot of the work of giving voice to these ancestors had already been done for them: “they’d kept journals and letters and things like that. They wrote beautifully, very descriptively, and there are some amazing stories which I’m very happy to have included in the show.”

Though the research has clearly been a fulfilling and revealing experience, it is the music that Duncum keeps drifting back to in our conversation, each time a boyish excitement creeping into his voice.

“The hook here is music; live musicians, a great band. It’s the first performances of these songs in the world.” His excitement is more than a little infectious. “Certain projects you find there is a very fortuitous connection that happens and things kind of fall together in a natural way and I think this is definitely one of those projects.”

Runs 12 to 22 Sept. Tickets: $15/20

arts

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books

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x

SOME

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LINGUISTICALLY SUBVERSIVE

BOOKS 1. FINNEGANS WAKE JAMES JOYCE

I don’t even...

2. BLOOD ELECTRIC

KENJI SIRATORI

Flip smile slash blood.

3. A CLOCKWORK ORANGE ANTHONY BURGESS Real horror-show.

4. GADSBY

ERNEST VINCENT WRIGHT Great Excellent Good.

5. TRAINSPOTTING

IRVINE WELSH

“Pure brilliant, likesay.”

DIGGING FOR GOLD E L L E N WA L K E R

Salient sits down with author Chris Cleave about Gold his new novel about two cycling rivals preparing for the London Olympics.

Were there challenges in discussing current events such as the London Olympics? Or, future events that would happen after the time you wrote Gold?

Yeah, it’s always a challenge talking about the future. One of two things can happen.

One is that it can come true and the other is that it won’t. Both of them are problematic when writing about the near future. A lot of my work does predict the near future quite accurately, actually, because it’s not hard to do. If you make it your job to read the social indicators and work out what is going to be on people’s minds in the next two years’ time you get a pretty high hit rate. It’s the spaces we’ve talked about that I want to inhabit as an artist, that space where public opinion is formed. It’s difficult and it’s risky because sometimes you can be in a situation where you write about something that is horrible and it does come true and then you become the person whose work of art is associated with something everyone remembers horribly.

People don’t think logically, they think almost in terms of sympathetic magic sometimes: “Oh yeah—you’re the guy that did that bad thing with your book.” It’s dangerous, but I still think it’s a good space to be in as an artist.

How do you define the genre of your novel?

thespian

My novel? I don’t think anyone else does what I do. I think I created a new space. It gets called “novels” but I don’t know if that’s the right word for it. I find it’s exactly half way between reality and fiction, so I would say it’s a hybrid between reportage and the novel.

It occupies the five year space in between newspapers and history and the reason why I’m interested in occupying that space as an artist is because that’s the space where public opinion is formed. That’s when we decide what it feels like to live through the time we are living through. That’s the space I want to claim as an artist.

Sophie, the daughter of one of the novel’s main athletes Kate, suffers from leukaemia. For this character you researched alongside doctors at a children’s hospital. Did you witness things from this experience that you didn’t expect? Did your experiences alter what you intended to write for Gold?

Yeah, I had expected to research suffering and misery but I was amazed to discover that actually that children’s hospital was a very joyful place. What’s happening there is that children are getting better as they are getting treated for diseases that 20 years ago most certainly would have killed them.

So it’s actually a place where we celebrate the progress that medical science has made in the last two decades. It’s a place where children are undergoing a kind of miraculous

transformation. They would have died. Now of them most of them do make it. It was a surprisingly joyful place.

In your book it says that nine out of ten children with leukaemia now recover.

Yep, forty years ago nine out of ten died. One of the things that I noticed researching in a children’s hospital was that it was a place that we can all be proud of. We look around at the world we live in and there are a lot of people who moan, a lot, it’s very easy to be negative about our politicians, the way society is run, about the economy, about the problems that the world has with immigration, with social disorder, with drugs, with the beneficiary culture. You can look around and you can think that the whole world is turning to shit.

And it some ways it is and it certainly will if we don’t celebrate the amazing things that we can do as well. To me it very important with a novel like Gold to say, look, this is amazing, a children’s hospital is an amazing place that we can be proud of. Olympians are incredible people whose characters we can explore and celebrate. Let’s rebuild, let’s look at the things that are positive and say those are the things that represent our society. How can we be more like that? So, that’s what I’m all about now as a writer. 

To read the entire interview, go to salient.org.nz.



(adj.) 1670s, “of or pertaining to tragedy or dramatic acting,” from Greek Thespis, poet of 6c. BCE, the traditional father of Greek tragedy. The names is literally “inspired by the gods.”

v u w s a & Frien d s

KIA HIWA RĀ!

J OA N N A M O R G A N

PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS BRIDIE HOOD

Welcome back! I hope you all had a great holiday and got some well-deserved R&R. Congratulations to those of you who completed your assignments and readings as planned. To those who didn’t, at least you planned to!

VUWSA Special General Meeting Thank you so much to those of you who came to the VUWSA Annual General Meeting during week 6. We successfully passed the VUWSA Half Year Report and Statements of Accounts, which will be available on the VUWSA website within the week for anyone who is interested. However, unfortunately we lost quorum before we could have a vote on the important VUWSA Governance Review. For a meeting to be quorate (open and able to conduct business) we need at least 100 VUWSA members in the meeting at all times.

Because we did not get around to a vote, we will be holding a Special General Meeting this Wednesday (and you thought I was done with discussing the Governance Review!). The meeting will be held in the Clubs Lounge, with the meeting starting at 1.15pm—but doors will be open from 1pm!

And along with the general fun that is a VUWSA Special General Meeting, we will be able to celebrate the close of the meeting with a pizza lunch.

Money Money, Fees Fees, Debt Debt This Monday will be the second meeting of the Student Forum. The majority of the meeting will be spent dedicated to a discussion about fees (which are being set by the University Council at the end of this month). Chancellor Ian McKinnon and Vice-Chancellor Pat Walsh will be presenting a breakdown of what happens to your University fees. This will be open to all students and there will be a chance to ask questions and grill the Chancellor and ViceChancellor about where your money is going.

The meeting will start at 5pm and is being held in the ritzy Hunter Council Chamber (that’s in the Hunter building). This is a

great opportunity for you to learn more about how Universities are funded and where your contribution goes. If you have a burning question but can’t make the meeting, send your questions to president@vuwsa.org.nz and we’ll post your question and the response on the VUWSA facebook page.

Marriage Equality Over the holidays we joined hundreds of other New Zealanders in a march to Parliament in support of Marriage Equality.

Last year at the VUWSA AGM we passed a motion that VUWSA support Legalise Love (a campaign based around marriage and adoption equality) and we have been actively involved the campaign to support all New Zealanders being able to marry the people they love.

At the SGM this week, not only will be discussing the Governance Review, but there is also a motion that has been put forward that VUWSA actively support Louisa Walls’ Marriage (Definition of Marriage) Amendment Bill. We want to make a strong public stand in support of this bill.

Victoria Blues Awards Nominations are now open for the Victoria Blues Awards. The Victoria Blues are the highest sporting accolade that can be attained at a university level. The Blues recognise a University student’s performance in representing New Zealand, whilst successfully progressing their academic studies.

The awards are highly coveted and can be awarded in in two categories—for sporting achievement, and for excellence in sports administration. There are also the supreme awards for Sports Person of the Year, Sports Administrator of the Year and Maori Sports Person of the Year. Past Blues winners include Jerry Collins and Conrad Smith. If this sounds like a bit of you, check out the VUWSA website for further information!

That’s all from me this week. See you cool kids at the SGM on Wednesday!

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I tēnei wā o te kōanga ngā mihi ki a koutou ngā tauira Māori o Wikitōria. Hopefully we’ve all returned from the break rejuvenated to hit the ground running on the home stretch with assignments and tests.

During the first week of the break a delegation from Ngāi Tauira flew to Dunedin for Te Huinga Tauira, the annual meeting of Māori students. 180 tauira from around New Zealand met under the guidance of Te Mana Ākonga (the national Māori student association) and the manaakitanga of Te Roopū Māori (the Māori students’ association of Otago University). It was a great opportunity for us to meet other like-minded Māori students in a social environment of sports, kapa haka, debate, discussion of current issues facing Māori and participation in general scarfie activities, i te āhua o te kī he huinga tangata he huinga Māori he huinga tauira ka tika! As a fourth-time participant of Te Huinga Tauira I am still amazed at the skill, intelligence and whanaungatanga of Māori students at Te Huinga Tauira; I encourage all Māori students to mark this as a must-do event while at university. Though a location has yet to be chosen for 2013, I have no doubt the kaupapa of Te Huinga Tauira will continue to support the well-being of Māori students, whānau, hapū, marae and iwi. Pīki mihi to Te Roopū Māori for pulling off a flawless event. To all the rōpu tauira Māori o Aotearoa, koutou e ngana ana ki te whakamana i te rangatiratanga o te Māori nāu hoki a Ngāi Tauira i hāpai kia tau ai tēnei tangata. Kia kaha ki te mahi i tōu mahi, i te āhua o tērā waiata i rangona noatia “Takahia takahia kia whakarongo ai ngā iwi. Pupuritia, pupuritia, pupuritia a tāua mahi e”. Ka nui te mihi ka nui te mihi kia ora rā koutou.

For most tauira, the end of the year is fast approaching. Before the assignments pile up and examinations are at the door, Ngāi Tauira are asking for feedback and suggestions of what you would like to see from Ngāi Tauira next year. From orientation, social events, and academic programmes to advocacy, faculty representation and issues to push on the student forum.

Join Ngāi Tauira’s group page on Facebook and leave a comment, otherwise e-mail Joanna Morgan at joanna.morgan@vuw.ac.nz.

Anonymous letters can be sent to Ngai Tauira, P.O Box 600, Victoria University of Wellington.

Ngāi Tauira is owned and operated by Māori students of Victoria, so get involved and have your say.

v u w s a & Frien d s

VUWSA TREA$URER WILLIAM GUZZO

The start of the second half of trimester two: the sun is finally creeping out from under the blankets of cloud, people look slightly less depressed than in the first half, and clothes from both genders seem to get tighter and shorter. Unfortunately there is one awful task we still need to get through first: exams.

Hopefully, the following public service announcements will at least make for some sweet procrastinating times on the sixth floor of the Kelburn library: Tax Advice As the famous thinker and philosopher Homer Simpson once said, “I can’t take his money. I can’t print my own money. I have to work for money. Why don’t I just lie down and DIE?”. Money issues suck.

This is particularly the case near exams, where there are already enough stresses on your plate.

If you haven’t done it yet, claiming your tax back is a good way of making money that little bit less stressful. You can also do free online, instead of paying a company a hefty commission to do it for you. As a friend on Facebook just posted: “Just did tax return online - took all of 2 minutes. WIN.”.

Need help with this? Then give me an email at treasurer@vuwsa.org. nz If people actually read this, the first person to email me the phrase “Cashmoneys” in size 24 font, wins a bag of Fruit Bursts.

Marriage Equality On the topic of money, VUWSA has recently decided to support the marriageequality.co.nz campaign. Essentially, that involves making a kick-ass website (upgrading the current one) to help promote the marriage equality bill currently before parliament. It will even have a fancy petition you can sign.

Problem is, they are still short some money. This is where you—an amazing student—can help. Even $5 to the cause would be an amazing help. Go to https://www.facebook.com/ CampaignForMarriageEquality to find out more information on how you can donate.

Cool? Cool Cool.

CAPTION ME!

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v u w s a & Frien d s

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QUEER STRAIGHT ALLIANCE M AT T H E W C O D D , U N I Q Q U E E R S T R A I G H T A L L I A N C E O F F I C E R

Are you a straight supporter of queer rights (a ‘straight ally’) who wants to help push for queer rights and a safer campus community, but feel intimidated or unwelcome in the queer community? Well then you’re in luck, because UniQ has recently started up a Queer Straight Alliance as a way of opening the door for you to get involved.

The group will have fairly regular meetings, including social events, educational seminars, discussion groups, and more, so that we can get to know each other, educate ourselves about queer issues, and see what we can do to help. It will also serve as a support group, because as rewarding and important as being

S H

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a straight ally is, it is not always easy.

I also want to stress that this is not meant to be a “straight allies only” sort of group, and anyone queer or straight who wants to be a part of bridging that gap is more than welcome to join.

This group will also serve as an important part of a widening support network at Vic for queer students, and the Safe Spaces campaign that I am working on with Gen Fowler, VUWSA Queer Officer is a step towards that. This will involve educating students, staff, local businesses, and anyone who wants to get involved about what it means to be an ally, and providing Safe Space stickers for

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THE HEAVIER SIDE OF DRINKING A L E X A N D R A H O W AT S O N , S T U D E N T D I E T I T I A N

There’s a tendency for students to gain weight during their time at university. This is affectionately known as ‘the Fresher five’ in first year, and usually continues on into second, third and fourth year. It’s common, it’s a little bit funny and it coincides with the massive increase in socialising and decrease in parental and age restriction that occurs at this time of life. Some people never lose their fresher five, or however much it was. The biggest cause is the hundreds of thousands of extra kilojoules ingested through binge drinking (and like it or not, we are definitely binge drinkers) over the time spent at uni. It’s what and how we’re drinking!

The average NZ adult requires 8700 kilojoules (kJ) per day (kJ is a measure of energy, which is found in food and drink).

If you’re a girl and you’re small, you’ll need less than this. If you’re a boy and you’re tall you’ll need more than this. If you exercise lots you might need more than this. Any extra energy consumed is stored as fat. To put this in perspective—if you eat a Big Mac Hunger

Buster you’ve eaten 6230 kJ, three quarters of what you need for the whole day. The point being it’s very easy to eat more than we need.

And then, on top of probably already eating everything needed for the day, we drink.

Kilojoule content of some common beverages: Vodka Cruisers One: 878kJ

Twelve: 10533kJ (Or similar 5% RTDs)

330ml beer can One: 502kJ

Twelve:

Smirnoff Black cans One: 985kJ

Six: 5910kJ (Or similar 8% RTDs)

Kristof Vodka Orange One glass: 985kJ One cask:

6019kJ

11820kJ

Scrumpy One glass: 760kJ

One bottle: 3800kJ

Wine One glass: 370kJ

One bottle: 2590kJ

Vodka double/diet mixer One glass: 336kJ (Or similar spirits) Baileys & Midori shot One: 326kJ

38

people to display so that queer people know that they are in a safe space.

I’ll also be talking with counselling and health services to ensure that they up to a high standard as far as queer students are concerned, and working with other local organisations like Legalise Love, School’s Out and the newly formed lower North Island chapter of PFLAG to make the wider Wellington community as safe, friendly, and inviting as possible.

You don’t have to be queer to support queer rights—anyone can be an ally. All you have to do is care about our queer friends and family, and be willing to fight on their behalf to break down all the different kinds of heterosexist attitudes that pervade our society, and cause so much unnecessary strife for the people we love and care about. So what are you waiting for? Come join the UniQ Queer Straight Alliance, and help make our campus a better place.

When you’re ready to join, you can find us on Facebook, at facebook.com/uniq.qsa, or on Twitter, @UniQ_QSA. Looking forward to meeting you!

Drinking two boxes of beer per week while eating a normal diet will incur a weight gain of 21kg over the year! Similarly two bottles of wine per week will incur weight gain of 9kg. Some of this can be counteracted by exercise, but to avoid weight gain, the beer drinkers would have to exercise intensely for 6 hours per week and the wine drinkers for nearly 3 hours. And that doesn’t even take into account the extra snacks that come out when drinking, and the stop at BK, J&M’s or Noodle Canteen on the way home from town…

Tips for drinking with less of the chubby consequences: Firstly, drink less! Find something to do with your mates on casual evenings that doesn’t involve three dozen drinks.

Note as above, that if you are drinking, wine, cider and spirits with diet mixers are about half the kilojoules of other options.

Drink water or diet drinks alongside your alcoholic beverage. You’ll drink slower, and avoid the dehydration headache in the morning.

Learn to say no and don’t try and keep up with your friends. When they’ve put on weight and you haven’t, you’ll know why.

Now you have the information, the responsibility is yours to make the right choices when it comes to drinking. And just remember that beer bellies, rolls and love handles are never sexy.

ROXY

Help me Roxy, recently I have been experimenting with myself. It all started after I was in the shed working with my fathers tools the other day. As I was working I noticed a pornographic calender and started to become aroused. In this moment of distraction I managed to injure my thumb. The pain really added to my arousal and since this time I have been finding it impossible to masturbate without inflicting pain upon myself. I’m getting really worried as every time I masturbate I am experimenting with more severe forms of pain/mutilation, I don’t know how much further I will feel I need to take this.

Will this mean I can no longer have sex without involving pain? Is this normal for me to become aroused by pain, because I haven’t experienced anything as natural feeling as masturbating while pushing my pain limits. Help me.

While Roxy can’t help but raise an eyebrow at the origin of the writer’s fetish, she relishes the chance to talk about S&M. Being the accepting and adventurous girl she is, Roxy embraces the many ways sexuality can express itself. As long as it doesn’t involve children or corpses, people should feel comfortable doing whatever makes them happy, and screw the haters. The basic coupling of pain and arousal is common, and there’s generally nothing wrong with it. Lots of people enjoy being spanked, having their nipples twisted, and having their physical limits tested. There’s something primal and exhilarating about pain.

UNPOPULAR FASHION CHOICE OF THE

WEEK frig

The juxtaposition of pleasure and pain is a potent chemical cocktail, and it is one that can be extremely intoxicating.

Some people take this very far. CBT, i.e. “cock and ball torture”, in the BDSM community can get extreme. Ballbusting, for example, can involve a guy’s balls being kicked or punched, and there are examples of people putting nails through their scrotums, or even cutting and deforming their penises. Those tired of peaceful sleeping should feel free to Google “penile subincision”, or “genital bisection”: operations that have both long cultural traditions, and are also extremely freaky-weird. Of course, as long as they’re not hurting anyone else it’s hard to say what they’re doing is wrong, but Roxy does have a few reservations.

First, extreme self-harm can be dangerous.

Anything that involves blood can lead to infections, and violent treatment of your manbits (and lady parts) can result in complications that permanently harm your sexual or babymaking capacities. Doing yourself irreversible damage in the heat of the moment doesn’t seem like a great idea, and Roxy strongly advises subs and those playing with pain to be careful they don’t take it too far and put themselves at serious risk.

Second, this sort of extreme sexual behaviour lends itself to habit-formation, which means more and more extreme forms of self-harm

are used to try and keep it exciting. This is where things can get dangerous, and even when they don’t only being turned on by extreme pain may drastically limit the number of potential fuck-buddies in your life. Roxy thinks boundary pushing should have limits, and it’s often a good idea to take a step back and cool it for a while. If you can deny yourself the pain you’re used to, you may find when you come back to it you can start again from a lower level, which may put you in a more comfortable place. Try exploring other aspects of your sexuality, still incorporating low levels of pain perhaps, but without the singular drive towards more extreme behaviour.

Overall though, Roxy does think it’s totally cool to enjoy pain-play, but like everything, it should be done in moderation. The moment you feel yourself losing control, or you find yourself taking risks that you later regret, you need to ease up, and if you can’t, that’s when you start needing to reach out to those around you for some help and support. <3 Roxy

Send your questions for Roxy to ♥

ROXYHEART@SALIENT.ORG.NZ

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If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately & confidentially with a professional, rather than a magazine columnist, Student Counselling Service can provide a safe place to explore such aspects of your life. The service is free & confidential. P: 04 463 5310 E: counselling-service@vuw.ac.nz. Visit Mauri Ora, Level 1, Student Union Building.

TIGHTS AS PANTS CARLA SALIZZO

People who wear tights as pants tend to get a hard time from their fellow clothes-wearers.

Admittedly, I have never worn tights as pants.

I don’t really know what a legging may or may not be. I am a non-thespial male who tends to conform to society’s long-held gender-apparel norms. I rarely even wear kilts, despite my alleged Scottish ancestry. I have no right to be in this debate, but dammit, I’m weighing in.

There must be some advantage to wearing tights as a single, homogenous layer. It allows

one to show off one’s legs, for better or worse, and probably grants a greater range of hip and knee motion. Being more ready for sports can only be a good thing. Soloing tights must shave crucial seconds off the time it takes to dress oneself in the morning or mid-afternoon, and I imagine it’s badass to feel like you’re Peter Pan, all the time. That benefit alone is overwhelming. So what if people can essentially see your bum? It’s not your actual skin, or anything. Loosen up, tightophobes.

(v.) as a euphemism for "to fuck", it dates from 1680s, earlier as "to masturbate" (1670s), from mid-15c "to move about restlessly," from Old English frygian (“to rub, caress”), related to Old English frēogan, frīgan (“to love, release, embrace, caress”).

PHOEBE MORRIS

THINGS

EAT YOUR FUCKING GREENS

YOU ALREADY KNOW BUT JUST NEED

TO BE TOLD

SWAG

SO I WROTE THIS FOR SOMETHING ELSE AND THEN, BASICALLY, IT TURNED INTO ONE OF THESE COLUMNS, SO NOW IT DOESN’T REALLY HAVE A PROPER HOME. U T H E R D E A N ( C H I E F S AG E )

“My being stuffed and Jelly Bean being... y’know... having the red stuff. It may be ‘wrong’ in some technical sense but it’s just other...

Who is to say what normal is? I can’t believe I just said that but... I am still me. Jelly Bean is still Jelly Bean. Tim is still Tim and that [the Monster] is whatever it is. It’s you who’s changed, Dave. Jelly Bean hasn’t changed, and, yes, I know, that’s because I just read everything into him and I tell the story of him into existence but that means that if I say that he’s okay, then, well, he’s okay. So, if I say I’m okay then I’m okay.

“Alright, maybe me being real makes me a different story but having this shit inside me isn’t going to stop me living or, y’know, being.

People don’t need to know about me, about this. I don’t even need to know. Half of me, honestly, just really hopes to forget this... all of this. It doesn’t have to make sense or finish or be fixed because I will forget. I will make myself forget and may I recommend that you all do that too? That is enough. The easiest way to solve the hard maths equation is to simply wipe it off the whiteboard and something being easy doesn’t always make it wrong and I think this is one of the cases where that rule doesn’t apply. Getting rid of

something is the same as forgetting it. If we make ourselves forget tonight, all of this, then it may as well have not happened. There is nothing wrong in whistling and looking the other way.

“I am not wrong. I am not broken. There is nothing about me that needs fixing because I choose for there not to be. And that is enough. I don’t need help and I don’t want it and yes and yes and yes I know it is there if I want and if I ask for it but I do not want it. Not today. Not for this. ANY OF THIS. I can sort this. We can sort this and not with violence. We can sort it by not sorting it.

PARTY

HUMBLE

“Life is like the sun. If you look right at it you are blinded and everything hurts.

“I am choosing to shade my eyes. I am allowed to do that.

“People do it all the time, it’s basically the natural fucking state of humanity. They do it without thinking and the only reason any of you think this is a bad idea, that I am thinking about this all wrong is because I am deciding to do it. How fucked is it that that is the shocking part of that equation. Ignorance?

FINE. Choosing to be ignorant? BURN THEM. “When I was small, when I was scared I would hold my Jelly Bean tight and shut my eyes and say ‘This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening.

I’m not here and this isn’t happening.’

“So. “Guess what?”

She holds Jellybean tight to her chest.

“I’m not here.”

She shuts her eyes tight.

“And this isn’t happening.”

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SHARON LAM // STRUGGLING ARTIST

“Things can be different.”

Pause.

“I don’t care if something is wrong. Not ‘Wrong’, I shouldn’t say that. Different. I don’t care if something different with me or him [Jelly Bean] or that [the Monster]. And not even in the we’re all family be who you want to be difference is just all the different colours of the rainbow kind of way. Though I do agree with that. But.

T H E G E NERATION BEFORE ONE R O S E B U R R O W E S & M AT T W H I T E

This week we spoke to Generation Zero delegate; Nina Atkinson. Apparently they let her stay on Pandora, but she came back.

For those who don’t know, what is Generation Zero?

We think of it as an organisation led by young people, pushing for political action on climate change. We are the first generation to inherit a world when it’s not better off – our predecessors screwed up and we have to deal with it.

How long have you been on board?

Since August 2011 – they ran a speaker event starring one of my lecturers; I went along and have been involved ever since.

How do you dominate someone that claims climate change is a total yarn?

There’s a cartoon I really like that lists solutions to climate change (renewable energy, locally based food sources, politicians more responsive to citizens) then asks “what if climate change is a total hoax and we’ve made a better world for nothing?”

How are you slashing your carbon footprint, and how can we follow in yours?

GenZero doesn’t campaign for personal reduction. Of course we endorse and support it, but GenZero is largely political. I ride my bike but if I have to take the car that’s okay. What matters is that politicians know about us—for them to know that youth are engaged and giving a shit about the issue is an achievement.

Do you think environmental damage is reversible, or is it time to consider establishing a Martian colony?

If you’re driving down a road and miss a turn, do you drive until the end of the road? Of course we’re committed to some degree of climate change/damage, but I don’t agree with ignoring it. It’s about damage control.

How do you see New Zealand’s place in the world in terms of environmental protection?

What can little old New Zealand achieve internationally?

The NZ delegation has a massive voice. NZ has a great opportunity to lead in negotiations, but also to make environmental awareness look appealing and to become role models, it would be a huge deal around the world.

Natural resources are a big part of New Zealand’s economy, is it possible to prosper like Sultans yet also give a flying hoot about the planet?

The economy is entirely dependent on the environment, so if you could have an economy that didn’t screw things up, that’d be good, but you have to acknowledge that they rely on each other.

Do you think climate change is considered as a serious issue in parliament?

I get annoyed that climate change is delegated to the Green party when it’s a massive international dilemma. The goal of GenZero is to bring it to the forefront as a political issue.

Until people vote on climate change, parties can get away with not doing caring.

What’s the furthest you’d expect a book-laden student to walk to uni?

I hate that having to be eco-friendly is hard.

People will do what’s easier, and at the moment those are the damaging options, but the government has the power to change that.

A B E E T L E I N Y O U R BOX U D AY A N M U K H E R J E E

We normally think of language as a medium of exchange. At a very basic level, we use words and meanings to take an idea or concept that lies in our own mind, and then transmit that to the mind of whomever we are having mean chats with. So when I write “Tony Soprano is wearing a polka-dot onesie”, I can take an image concocted in my twisted head and plant it firmly in yours with just a few taps of a keyboard. These kinds of observations are often taken to ground a distinction between public and private language. Public language is the body of shared convention that helps us communicate and private language is that special inner voice that we use to represent

our own thoughts and feelings.

This position looks all too simple, and the Austrian aristocrat and ill-tempered genius Ludwig Wittgenstein trained his sights on it in the mid-20th century. He wanted to show that the idea of a private language is incoherent.

Imagine a community where everyone has a special secret box, in which they have an object which they call a ‘beetle’. No one can peer into anyone else’s box, so everyone only knows what a beetle is by looking at the object in their personal box. If the term ‘beetle’ has any meaning in the language of this community, then it surely can’t be the name of a particular object, because it is entirely 41

possible that everyone has something different in their box.

The thought is that by analogy, to imagine that each of us has a personal set of words and meanings which we then translate for public consumption isn’t really an accurate description of the nature of language.

Wittgenstein is suggesting that all of our concepts are just determined by the shared language games they are a part of. These games are always going to be public, and so we can’t claim that we even have the monopoly on our minds that we might think.

Language is just a tool we borrow from society to peer into our own thoughts.

W H AT ’ S A L L T H E F U S S ABOUT WITH LANCE ARM STRONG? J O E G A L L AG H E R

I mean, a Tour de France cyclist doped?

What’s new? That’s not a headline, it’s the unofficial slogan of the Tour.

I guess I do understand the uproar. He’s a bloke who made an absolute truckload of cash from being the guy who dominated the Tour for the biggest part of a decade. And now we know he did it by cheating.

The truth is, as much as we love a winner, we love a loser even more.

If I’m honest, Armstrong hasn’t actually been caught doping. He has decided not to appeal against the charges laid against him, claiming that he would have lost the case because of a dodgy jury.

Smells like bullshit, but let’s move on.

It’s a clever PR move which now means that everybody who chooses to write a nasty paragraph about him in a newspaper has to

include a disclaimer like the one above. It salvages some semblance of respectability.

warrant tirades of abuse on social media from our ‘best’ reporters.

I’m of the opinion that the guy doped, but that’s not the point. The thing that has grabbed me about this whole ordeal has been the ridiculous media coverage.

Tiger Woods is the biggest casualty of such attitudes. The man cheated on his wife. It’s certainly not a wise move, and he comes across as one heck of a bastard, but in no way did it require him to quit his job for two years. Marriage counselling? Yes. A slap across the face? Yes. Slow down on the hookers?

Absolutely, unequivocally yes. But a break from golf? Fuck no.

It’s similar to Valerie Adams’ winning of the gold medal. The focus has been on the cheat, Nadzeya Ostapchuk. There have been nowhere near enough headlines reading: “Congratulations, Val”. Is the permanent loss of her medal and respect in her sport not enough punishment for Ostapchuk?

Apparently, no. Our papers chose to focus on her unlucky resemblance to the obese kid in Two and a Half Men. Even our most respected journalists have been struck by bouts of extreme jingoism (I’m looking at you, Eric Young). It’s not news. It certainly doesn’t

Lovin' From

P.S. Yes—yet another soup recipe, but I pretty much live on the stuff in winter.

dope

At least in Valerie Adams we have a winner.

Let’s embrace that.

CURRIED CAULIFLOWER SOUP

The Oven A friend recently told me this is a classic Kiwi soup (it seems all Kiwi classics incorporate curry power) but I had never tried it, so I thought I would give it a whirl. Despite being a bit of an odd idea, it is super tasty.

Additionally, this soup is very cheap and easy—cauliflower is only a couple of dollars at the vegetable markets at the moment.

I suspect Lance Armstrong will suffer a similar fate. The story will be “Lance the Loser”, rather than the next guy as a winner. In saying that, the next guy probably doped too. And the guy behind him, and the next dozen as well. So really, nobody wins.

H AY L E Y A D A M S

What you need…

How to make…

▴▴

1 tbs. oil

▴▴

1 medium onion, finely chopped

▴▴

1 garlic clove, finely chopped

▴▴

3 tbs. curry powder

▴▴

1.5kg cauliflower, coarsely chopped

▴▴

4 cups vegetable stock

▴▴

2 cups water

▴▴

1 can coconut cream

▴▴

Salt and pepper to taste

Heat oil in a pan and sauté onion and garlic until soft but not browned. Add the curry powder and cook for approximately one minute, or until fragrant. Add the cauliflower, stock and water. Bring to the boil and then reduce to a simmer, continue to simmer until the cauliflower is tender. Once tender turn off the heat and let cool until warm. Blend the stock and cauliflower in a blender to with a whizz stick till smooth. Put mixture back into the pan, add the coconut cream and heat until almost boiling. Season to taste. Enjoy with a side of toasted bread.

(n.) 1807, American English, “sauce, gravy, thick liquid,” from Dutch doop “thick dipping sauce”. Extension to “drug” is 1889, from practice of smoking semi-liquid opium preparation. Sense of “inside information” (1901) may come from knowing before the race which horse had been drugged to influence performance. As a verb, from 1889.

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SPE AKE R E VE N T VicIDS Speaker Event: “Supporting young people of Aotearoa New Zealand: Youthline and the strengths-based approach” Wednesday 12 September, 5:15pm, CO304 Ellen Anderson, Youthline Wellington’s Education Coordinator, will discuss issues affecting young people in New Zealand. This information will be based on trends from phone and text counselling, as well as face-to-face interactions through educational outreach. Some of the governing principles of Youthline Wellington’s Youth Development Programme will be addressed during this session including: diversity, informed decision-making, healthy relationships and hauora.

On Monday 17 September at 5:15pm we will be screening a DVD about the the Belo Monte Dam on the Amazon River.

CHOATY

Career Events - book on CareerHub:

We have 6 early childhood education centres and provide high quality care and education for the preschool aged (0 – 5years) children of students and staff of Victoria University. We have 3 centres on Fairlie Tce (open from 8am – 5.30pm) on the Kelburn campus, 1 centre at the Law School (open from 8.30am – 5.30pm) on Pipitea Campus and 2 centres (open from 7.30am – 5.15pm) for VUW staff on Clermont Tce. If you work or study at VUW and require childcare please contact: Trudy Lagolago - 463 5021 / Trudy.Lagolago@vuw.ac.nz or check out our websitewww.victoria.ac.nz/creche/

UTHER DEAN

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LETTER ✶ OF THE ✶

WEEK

WINS TWO FREE COFFEES FROM VIC BOOKS!

YOU SHALL BE REWARDED FOR YOUR APPARENT FINANCIAL ILLITERACY Dear Salient, At present there is an empty bag of chips on my desk, along with headphones that don’t work, and $2.50. I am poor. Not poor by the standards of people living under the poverty line in third world countries, after all I am writing this letter on a laptop (albeit the charger is broken, and any movement will cause the laptop to turn off).

I am poor because I do not know the value of money. I don’t have a job; I don’t even have a loan. My parents pay for me and that too handsomely.

The reason for my niggardly state now, boils down to the simple fact that I am careless with money. I don’t know what it takes to make money.

Shit! Writing this letter to get a couple of free coffees is hard work.

Writing and rewriting this shitty letter, making it just perfect so that I can get a hit of some bitter sweet espresso to get me through the day. Once I graduate my life will be in an endless loop where I work for the “Man” tirelessly just so I can buy coffee to help me wake my ass up and do it again the next day.

P.S. Starbucks is owned by the US government. They are trying to control us by getting us addicted to caffeine so that we don’t ask questions and work like slaves.

- I don’t care though I need it.

letterS LETTER COURTESY OF BRITISH AMERICAN TOBACCO

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES (ARE A FUCKING DISGRACE)

Hi thurrr Salient, I don’t smoke, never have. However, I am inclined to oppose the move to make VUW completely smokefree.

The reason for this is that I believe it will unintentionally deter some smokers from attending/ completing university, and these smokers are disproportionately from low-income backgrounds.

I can see three unintentional consequences of the ban that will make university life unattractive to smokers: 1) Smoking is addictive. So, in order to get their fix, smokers will be forced to leave campus - regularly alienating them from the buzz of campus life and disconnecting them from any sense of community within the university.

2) It risks forming an unspoken understanding that ‘the kind of people who smoke are not the kind of people who attend university’.

3) Starting university is hard, and so is quitting smoking. Why put new students who smoke in the difficult position of choosing between a) spending break times with friends and suffering withdrawl effects or b) spending those breaks alone outside the university at a life stage where they most need company?

So, while the notion of a smokefree campus is superficially nice, I sincerely hope that the university will consider the additional hardships this ban will impose on smokers who are trying to attend university and improve their future prospects. The status quo smoking rules are fine.

Thanks for your attention, Parks Salinger

Dear Salient Today I visited the ladies loo at Railway Campus (level 2 to be exact) and I could not believe the mess that awaited me. Paper towels and loo paper all over the floor, water on the floor and someone who had taken a dump had not flushed the loo!

What is wrong with you ladies! Come on ladies - you are supposed to be adults and not engage in this sort of carry on. signed ‘Busting’ Busting

SALIENT LETTERS POLICY 2012 Salient welcomes, encourages and thrives on public debate—be it serious or otherwise— through the letters pages. Write about what inspires you, enrages you, makes you laugh, makes you cry. Send us feedback, send us abuse. Anything. Letters must be received before 5pm Tuesday, for publication the following week.

Letters must be no more than 250 words.

Pseudonyms are fine, but all letters must include your real name, address and telephone number. These will not be printed. Please note that letters will not be corrected for spelling or grammar. The Editors reserve the right to edit, abridge or decline any letters without explanation.

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ART HAUSLIENT DISAPPOINTS. IF ONLY WE COULD FEEL. Dear Salient, I was rather disappointed to find that the large majority of art contributed to your Arts issue was by people who are not students at Vic - many of whom appear to have already established themselves in their respective fields.

As a student magazine, surely it would have made sense to inform your readers of an opportunity to contribute?

I would much rather have seen student work, and I’m sure there would have been willing contributors with work of high standards.

In saying this I much enjoyed Fairooz Samy’s article about Transgressive art and the inclusion of ‘Piss Christ’ and ‘Shark’. I also very much liked Todd Atticus’ piece with the rather long Katy Perryinspired title.

Sincerely, Arts student

BLATHERING BEANIE BOY HAS SOMETHING TO SAY Dear d@ f@$hi0n p01ic3, You’re out of touch, mate. you remind me of the first episode of what was essentially the worst television program ever made, 2 Broke Girls, where the lead character, a surly, antiestablishment (sort of) waitress says, ‘hey hipster, I wear a woolen hat because it’s cold, you wear one because of Coldplay’.

The writers of that show got it wrong and you got it wrong.

Regards EAEWarren

ANTIPODEAN PROPHECIES: THE END IS NIGH! Dear editor, We are two Australian conventional farmers from states which have allowed the commercial release of Genetically Engineered (GE) crops.

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We have been touring New Zealand describing our experiences and circumstances since the commercial release of GE crops. We received a very warm welcome from farmers, farmer representatives, scientists, students, urban people and Maori representatives. We saw great interest and concern by the vast majority of those we met about how the release of GE would effect New Zealand’s enviable reputation as a clean green producer of high quality food and fibre. Your nation has a magnificent opportunity to learn from Australia’s lack of foresight.

Price penalties, market resistance and questionable agronomic aspects have combined with very high seed and technology costs to disillusion many who adopted and promoted GE. A major issue is the effect on non GE and organic farmers. Coexistence has proven to be a fallacy because the GE material can not be contained.

Contamination by less than 1% GE material exposes non GE growers to significant liability issues, expenses and market issues. While GE free farmers suffer unfair costs and liabilities, the GE industry is financially rewarded for the inevitable contamination. The reason key issues of concern were ignored in Australia is because governments and research sectors plan on profiting from farmers on their public research alliances with multinationals. We urge New Zealand people to take genuine concerns seriously and not let the GM industry take control of the debate and the outcomes. Beware the GE man bearing gifts, in our country he is not a good citizen. We also return to Australia with new information given us by your NZ farmers and scientists on viable, effective, and available non GE alternatives relevant to our farms. This alone has made our visit to your beautiful country both pleasurable and beneficial. We thank our many new friends from New Zealand for their warm welcome and hospitality.

Yours sincerely Julie Newman & Bob Mackley

WAIT A MINUTE... IS THAT GOODNESS I FEEL?

People like the classmates who organise study sessions and hunt out useful resources. People whose smiles welcome you to lectures and de-stress your manic runs down the corridor. People whose time is not so rigidly compartmentalised that they don’t have time to listen to your problems or share a drink.

None of these stars would claim to be perfect; they’re just doing what they can with what they have been given. You’re not going to reach moral perfection, but you can love.

It’s generally unhelpful to try to compare such things, but someone who is generally accepted as one of the more beacon-like people is Mother Teresa. She sums it pretty well when she says “We can do no great things, only small things with great love”.

Hopeful Cynic

A MIDNIGHT MID-RIGHT FRIGHT To the student who launched a DoS attack on Kiwiblog, Touché.

Regards, The Wellington liberal beltway

HERE BEGINITH THE VUWSA TRUTHER MOVEMENT Dear Salient, Have you noticed how appallingly fucked up VUWSA is? Day in and day out it seems that they are embroiled in another scandal or misuse of students’ funds, often to support the decadent union movement (I.e the Labour Party).

Their latest blunder has been the apparent lack of progress with the Campus Hub project. We were promised an exciting, dynamic space suitable for frivolity. Instead we have a desolate, bomb site that remains years away from completion.

I suspect that they have squandered the funds for the project on expensive dinners, whilst students freeze and starve in their sullen little huts that VUWSA refuses to help insulate.

Why am I paying the salaries of incompetent morons who fail to achieve anything except the glorification of their massive egos?

Let’s rise up against our youthful

▲

oppressors and remind them that we are the university!

Yours, Every student at Victoria ever

THE ROTTEN FRUITS OF THE NCEA CATASTROPHE Salient Whats up with all the grammer all the time?!? No1 actually uses grammer n da real world 1nce u get a job and stuff u hardly ever read or write anything down anyway and usuually when u do its probably just at txt message from ur boss saying where the fuck are you u should come to work u lazy fuck I think ur setting all these poor uni students up 4 a life of disapointment when they get into the work place and expect there to be grammer all over the place but in reality you never see it at all Ditch the grammer and get wit the programe love Steve

FREE! MARKET! Hi Salient, I’ve been hearing a lot about this free market! Where do I claim it?

This better not be like the fucking Tibet cocktease.

Yours sincerely, John Banks

DOOMED FROM THE BEGINNING Dear Salient, It is with a heavy heart that I write to you this week.

Last month I attended the VUWSA AGM, which is normally the highlight of my social calendar. I’d had my outfit planned for days beforehand; told all my friends about it. And then because of STUDENT APATHY, it was over before it even began!

I was heartbroken. Can’t a girl enjoy some rigorous debate about student representation if she wants to?!

I just can’t fathom why more of our peers weren’t in attendence?

Yours in disappointment, VUWSAD

Another victory for Vic!

To “Man who epitomises vice and immorality”, I agree. People suck. I don’t know if I could tell you about a “beacon” of perfection, where purity and kindness prevail. Beacons require strong unwavering light with no trace of darkness. And as you’ve pointed out, we all have dark spots. But I could tell you about some people shining like stars in the night sky. There’s still a lot of darkness, but the hope of light. People like the lovely girls who give out hot chocolate on Kelburn Parade each Monday.

letterS

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Salient ♥ you

▼ Puzzle 1 (Medium, difficulty rating 0.47)

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Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/~jdhildeb/software/sudokugen/ on Mon Sep 3 21:25:58 2012 GMT. Enjoy!

Certain parts of the words that go in the grey squares have a bearing on how they fit in the grid. Best of luck orienting yourself! Bring a compass.

PLOSIVE ASSONANCE MANDARIN PORTUGUESE LINGUISTICS EXPLETIVE SHRIEK VERBOSE DECLENSION

INTERROBANG CLAUSE LEXICON CONJUGATION EFFUSIVE ORAL BENGALI ROSETTA INVECTIVE

SALIENT’S QUIZ FOR THE QUERULOUS

1. The name of our sun (3) 3. H. P. Lovecraft's 'Reanimator' (7,4) 8. Kind of plastic or paint (7) 9. Blue Monopoly property, or where you'd dance around a pole? (7) 11. One who shoots from a distance (6) 13. He bit Holyfield's ear (5) 15. Essence that's a homophone for 1-Across (4) 16. Disney character with an extensive library (3,5) 18. Setting of TV's 'Game of Thrones' (8) 19. Tart (4) 21. Doctor portrayed by Hugh Laurie (5) 22. Pride that comes before a fall, dramatically (6) 25. Shakespearean character that gets betrayed

by Iago (7) 27. Running amok (7) 28. Creature that hops and comes with eggs (6,5) 29. Type of file or code (3)

CIRCUMLOCUTION GUTTURAL NUMERALS TRANSLATION PUNCTUATION

DOWN

1. Draped item of clothing (5) 2. Classical stringed instrument (4) 3. Scout that might go to plays (6) 4. Method of exit from a submarine (6,5) 5. Major in David Bowie's 'Space Oddity' (3) 6. Like the Sphinx (8) 7. Creator of the web-based 'Dinosaur Comics' (4,5) 10. It's between Britain and Denmark (5,3) 12. 'Settlers of Catan' piece, named for a kind of thieving nobleman (6,5) 14. TV series about a Mountie, or headed for 15-Down (3,5) 15. Amundsen was the first there (5,4) 17. Loyal, slangily (4,4) 20. Shocked disappointment (6) 23. Exercise that starts while lying down (3,2) 24. Charlie Parker's musical genre (4) 26. What 1-Across is, geometrically (3)

1.

What is the world’s most expensive spice?

6.

What is a Turkish Van?

2.

What do the letters VSOP stand for on a bottle of brandy?

7.

What is pygmalionism?

8.

What is the only anagram in English for the word English?

3.

What is the national animal of Mauritius?

4.

Which British Prime Minister worked as a research chemist in industry before becoming an MP in 1959?

9.

Did the first postage stamp to feature a non-royal feature Shakespeare, the Beatles or Churchill?

5.

Which seas does the Suez Canal link?

10.

Which company marketed the first diesel driven car?

46

☞ RUSS KALE

ACROSS

Saffron, Very Special Old Pale, the dodo, Margaret Thatcher, Red and Mediterranean, a type of cat, sexual attraction to statues, shingle, Shakespeare, Mercedes-Benz

vbc guide MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

7AM - 10AM

FLIGHT COFFEE

VBC BREAKFAST WITH MIKE & GUESTS Sweet music, News, Interviews and Giveaways.

10AM - 12PM

THE LATE MORNING SHOW

WITH TASH & GUESTS Music, gig guide, giveaways and music features.

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

7AM -10AM

8AM -10AM

DJ MP3 PLAYER

THE CHILDREN'S CORNER WITH LAUREN, FLO & GUESTS

10AM -12PM

10AM - 12PM

BRUNCH

WAKE N' BAKE PEARCE & DUNCAN

WITH

12PM - 2PM

12PM - 2PM

12PM - 1PM

12PM - 2PM

12PM - 2PM

12PM - 2PM

MIDDAY

THE BEEF! WITH MATT & ALEX

NO GRIM BUSINESS WITH PAUL

INFIDEL CASTRO

SONG FROM YOUR LUNCH BOX! WITH

GROOVY TIMES WITH

JORDAN & HAYLEY

THE MIDDAY BUSINESS POWER LUNCH WITH EMMA

KORERO MAI W FLAUN

2PM - 4PM

2PM - 4PM

1PM - 3PM

2PM - 4PM

2PM - 4PM

CASEY

LIAM & GABBY'S

2PM - 4PM

WED AFTERNOON

DOM'S

DAVE & ED

LORENZO & PALS!

RAD SHOW

ALEX, MICHAEL & NICK

4PM - 7PM

4PM - 7PM

4PM - 7PM

4PM - 7PM

4PM - 6PM

LOUI'S

THURSDAY DRIVE WITH

BELLA'S SUPER CUTE HANGOUT!

ELECTRIC BLISS WITH JOE

ARTS SHOW

7PM - 8PM

7PM - 9PM

7PM - 9PM

6PM - 9PM

REGGAE, SKA & PUNK WITH OLLIE & TIM

MAKING WAVES

4PM - 7PM

MONDAY DRIVE WITH

ALEC

'RADIO SHACK' 4PM - 7PM

MONDO'S

TUESDAY DRIVE SHOW

PHILIP MCSWEENY

WITH

WITH

NINA

WEDNESDAY DRIVE SHOW

7PM - 9PM

7PM - 9PM

7PM - 9PM

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE WITH NICK & GEORGE

SLIM PICKING'S WITH SLIM & BUNNY

CNTRL/ ALT / DELETE WITH

ROHAN & KEGAN

AIDAN

TRAIN SPOTTING THE LEADER & HOLLY & STUMBLE

WITH

9PM - 11PM

9PM - 11PM

9PM - 11PM

9PM - 10PM

THE VINYL COUNTDOWN

BEATS, BASS & BULLSHIT

THAT'S SO METAL

COMPULSORY ECSTASY

WITH

MIKEY & PETER

WITH

JACK & BRYN

HAYDEN & MITCHELL

WITH

WITH

KIM & NIC

THE KING

9PM - 11PM

IN DEEP

WITH

AMY JEAN

JOSH

MAORI THEMES & TUNES 2PM - 4PM

WITH

WITH

VIRGINIA

KARIIIBA

9PM - 11PM

9PM - 11PM

NITEY NITE

RAILROAD BLUES WITH RAY

FRI 14TH

SAT 15TH

WITH

GUESTS

gig guide MON 10TH MIGHTY MIGHTY

SAN FRANCISCO BATHHOUSE

BODEGA

MEOW CAFE

MEDUSA

SOUTHERN CROSS

TUE 11TH

WED 12TH

THUR 13TH

SNAP CRACKLE POP, THE WEND, SOLSONA CARNIVAL PUMP UP THE VOLUME: THE SHOCKING AND STUNNING EP RELEASE TOUR

RICHE$ & THE LO-FI SHERIFF

DEAR TIME’S JOHN THE WASTE, DEER BAPTIST, PARK, LONTALIUS WELLINGTON SEA SHANTY SOCIETY WELLINGTON SEA DOUBLE 2012 RUMBLE SHANTY SOCIETY TROUBLE: IN THE JUNGLE NEWTOWN NATIONAL FINAL ROCKSTEADY & THE MIDNIGHTS YOUNG GIFTED AND BROKE LABEL SHOWCASE - WELLINGTON THE MEDICINE JESSE RIVEST JO HANNA & THE 8PM & THE RECENT MYSTERY WITH DEVELOPMENTS ZOE MOON BITCH FEST - A CALLING FEMALE VOCAL UTOPIA NORTH SHOWCASE ISLAND TOUR WELLINGTON THE ELECTRIC KROON FOR YOUR THE EVIL GENIUS THE MANTARAYS SO SAMBA QUIZ KAI MUSIC QUIZ

SAVE  M Y Y D U T S !

P O T P A L E E R F A !

LOOK Salient has teamed up with Vic ITS to help get your study-life back on track by offering you the chance to claim a nifty wee Dell Inspiron 1545 laptop in jet black. The machine features 2.2 GHz CPU, 3GB SDRAM, a 500GB Hard Drive, 15.6 “ Screen 720p WLED (1366x768) and Windows Vista.

Hawt.

All you need to do is send a picture of the worst study space you can find—you know, the place where you study that is in fact worst for your education—to editor@salient.og.nz with ‘SAVE MY STUDY’ and your student ID number in the subject line. You can also enter by posting your pics onto the Salient Facebook page or by tweeting @salientmagazine #savemystudy. Oh, and for authenticity make sure there’s a copy of Salient in the photo somewhere. Simple, really.

The winning snap, as selected by staff from Salient and ITS, will take home the swanky piece of hardware—no questions asked.

Entries close Monday the 24th of September For terms and conditions, visit victoria.ac.nz/its/student-services/ student-promotions.