Issue 9 | Tight Ass Content

Issue #9

Volume 81

Tight Ass Content

A Tight Ass Yogi – 20 Halls: Lonely but not Alone – 22 Our Dying Right: Perspectives on End of Life Choice – 26 Manning Up: Personal Reflections of Masculinity in NZ – 16

CONTENTS EDITOR'S LETTER 3 NEWS News 4 Politics 7 Interview 8 Opinion 10 Sports 11 *News* 12 LETTERS & NOTICES 14 FEATURES Manning Up: Personal Reflections of Masculinity in New Zealand 16 A Tight Ass Yogi 20 Halls: Lonely but not Alone 22 Our Dying Right 26 CENTREFOLD 24 POEM 29 COLUMNS Presidential Address 30 VUWSA 30 Super Science Trends 31 SWAT 32 UniQ: The Queer Agenda 32 The “F” Word 33 PSC: One Ocean 33 NT: Te Ara Tauira 34 Ask the Advocate 34 In Our Environment 35 REVIEWS Music 36 Art 38 Books 39 Television 40 Film 41 Theatre 42 Podcast 43 Food 44 ENTERTAINMENT Horoscope 45 Distractions 46

EDITOR'S LETTER When I first found out on Twitter that the university is planning to change its name, I was confused. Was this a joke? Couple of news articles and a forum from Grant later, I was satisfied that this thing’s for real.

For a while I was vaguely against the name change, without really knowing why. But I’ve thought about it a bit more, and I’ve decided: I’m fine with it.

When I was thinking about studying here, I once or twice ended up on the website of the university in Canada, getting excited over degree options, before realising I was on completely the wrong track. A small thing, perhaps, but if I’d done it, others have too, and that might just be enough of a hassle to want to avoid.

Someone mentioned to me that this feels like distractionary politics, like John Key and the flag. I don’t think that’s the case here. “Distractionary” implies that if it weren’t for the discussion around which symbol we’re best represented by, we’d spend our time and energy thinking about the more significant policies and practices up for debate. But, would we? I feel that the people interested in letting fees, sexual violence prevention, student counselling wait times, payment for RAs, and whatever else is going on, will still be interested in those things despite the fluff going on around a name change.

And the people who aren’t involved, still won’t be, name change or not. I feel like people get interested in name changes because a name represents us as a group, so each individual has a personal stake in it, and also names are pretty visible. But, fingers crossed the uni doesn’t have other big changes in the works, and is just waiting for the name-change furor to reach a peak before announcing it quietly.

Yeah, I hear your criticism. It’s another indication that profit is the uni’s primary incentive. We’re changing over 100 years of tradition. It’ll be confusing for the people who have graduated from “formerly Victoria University”. The names of the clubs will sound vaguely ridiculous.

But on the balance of things, we’re not getting much harm from this change. Look at Auckland Uni, closing down a whole bunch of libraries and restructuring their arts degrees. Now that’s a worrying result of a university making decisions motivated by profit. A name change, I can live with.

The other question is, why would we be attached to “Victoria” as a name anyway? All it signifies is our history of colonisation. When I first heard the name, it was pretty meaningless for me. Any meaning I’ve gleaned from the word has come from associating it with the experiences I’ve had here. And the thing is, having used “Vic” so many times in reference to my place, my identity, I do feel connected with the word now, and to stop using it would feel like a loss. But that’d be different for the next generation of students.

They could be proclaiming themselves “Wel” students, and feel the same sense of identity and connection. Or not. Who knows.

Well um looks like I managed to get distracted for a solid 500 words. Happy graduation y’all who are graduating. Stay warm.

LOUISE LIN Editor

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FEATURE NEWS

MONDAY 14 MAY 2018

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HOW MUCH ARE OUR RAs GETTING PAID? ANGUS SHAW

RAs have expressed that they are dissatisfied with their pay and think the University should compensate them more, considering the importance of their role in introducing first year students to Victoria. Residential Advisors working in the halls of residence directly operated by Victoria University are paid between $18.12 and $18.49 per hour. Contracts that RAs sign prior to their employment state that they will be rostered to work 30 hours over a fortnight period, amounting to roughly 15 hours per week.

“On one hand I am happy with it personally as it's the first job where I've been paid above minimum wage, and as we are essentially getting paid to sleep at times, it seems like a pretty good deal. But on the other hand, the RA role is indispensable to hall life, and we are sometimes called upon to do things that I would see as above our paygrade.”

Ilsa, an RA in 2017, said that the halls were very unprepared for the issues they were going to experience. “We had no systems to follow or guidelines for how to deal with mental health emergencies or violence. The halls are more focussed on avoiding bad press than protecting and caring for their residents and staff.”

RAs at University-catered halls are charged $369 per week in rent. This does, however, include services such as power, internet, and food. According to the Ministry of Business, Innovation and Employment, the median market rent for a single bedroom is $240 per week in the Te Aro suburb of Wellington — where the majority of Victoria halls of residence are located. $18.49 per hour, at 15 hours per week, amounts to $277.35 per week in wages. RAs are therefore being charged $91.65 per week to live in halls and do their jobs.

She thought that the training RAs received did not adequately prepare them for the scope of the role.

She also described the management of her hall as unprepared — “The staff and students suffer due to the incompetence of the upper management”.

“For example, I was left dealing with a young resident, who was dealing with years of emotional abuse and depression, on my own. This resident had attached

Jackson, an RA, said he was “not entirely happy with the amount we're paid in relation to our importance”.

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FEATURE NEWS

to me (contacting me via FB at all hours begging for my help) and my managers offered zero support. The other RAs had no idea how to deal with this situation."

MONDAY 14 MAY 2018

Sean described the treatment of RAs in his hall as “disrespectful”.

“It states in our contract that we will be paid for 17 hours, however there may be periods were we are required to work longer hours.” During particularly busy periods such as exam time and organising for the ball, he said it was quite apparent that overtime would be inevitable. Some of the other RAs at Sean’s hall began recording the actual hours they worked and reporting them to hall management, for which they received “quite a lot of flak from the deputy head of hall”. He recalled that being paid for overtime was uncommon. However, if RAs had to clean up vomit, they did receive an extra $8.

Jackson indicated after entering his actual working hours into HR Kiosk (the payroll system used by VUW), he was instructed by his head of hall to fabricate his hours. He said that he was not necessarily underpaid for the amount of hours he worked each week, it often depended week to week. He added however that "more than anything it just frustrates me that if you put in your exact hours then it's technically being dishonest, and just a really backwards system".

“We end up entering arbitrary hours that we have worked. Half the time I don’t understand it myself, which is a frustrating thing for a lot of us. They messed up the contracts by promising 30 hours, which not really how the RA role works. You get paid for when you are on shift but you are working all the time really.”

Salient asked VUWSA President Marlon Drake if RAs should be more fairly compensated for their job. He confirmed that “for a role with such large responsibility I'd be inclined to say yes,” but clarified VUWSA could not necessarily endorse higher financial compensation for RAs. He added that RAs have an absolutely vital role in providing good pastoral care for our first year students. He said that VUWSA endorses the Living Wage organisation in their campaign for all Victoria University employees being paid a fair wage, but would not comment specifically on the pay rate of RAs.

Jackson said that the process in which RAs has to apply to get paid is “very complicated”. If RAs at this particular university-operated hall did not fulfill the 30 hours of work per fortnight as indicated in their contracts, the money is deducted from their pay in the next fortnightly period.

"You get paid for when you are on shift but you are working all the time really.”

He noted that RAs at this hall were unable to receive the full accommodation supplement, provided by Studylink, until they have completed three months on their contracts. It is unclear if this is the case at other university-operated halls, but information from Victoria University did not indicate otherwise. He compared it to the 90 day trial policy, adding, “it’s really stupid, a lot of it seems really arbitrary to me”.

"We want all of Victoria’s staff to be paid a living wage. When you are an RA you really have a 24 hour job, you live at your work, it’s definitely one of the most stressful jobs you could have. If RAs were to push for a living wage, I would support them.”

Rainsforth Dix, Director, Student and Campus Living at Victoria, said she was “not aware of any incidents of RAs being underpaid. Nor have I received any feedback about remuneration”.

Jackson added that in 2018 his hall had taken away perks such as having free bread and milk in the kitchen for RAs. “That’s a minor thing but it would save me from going to the supermarket each week. It’s just little things like that.” He said that RAs were told they would have the opportunity to negotiate for the return of these benefits. However, he is not satisfied. “It was the status quo for so long, why do we now have to renegotiate that now?”

“The RA roles and remuneration decisions will be completed in time for the next recruitment round, which begins in trimester 2.”

She added that the role of RAs was being reviewed by the University for 2019.

Salient also spoke to a past RA, Sean, at Otago, who indicated that the culture was very similar at Otago.

Names of RAs have been changed for anonymity

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The News MONDAY 14 MAY 2018

Potential New Name for VUW LAURA SUTHERLAND Grant Guilford, Vice-Chancellor of Victoria University of Wellington, spoke with students and staff in The Hub on Monday 7 May to discuss the potential renaming of the University.

Guilford said that confusion with other universities was the primary reason for the proposed name change. As one of a number of Victoria Universities around the world, Guilford said VUW experiences a “very frequent lack of name recognition”.

Despite a strong domestic reputation, Guilford claimed that the University’s name is to blame for its “less than satisfactory international prominence”. The most likely suggestion at this stage according to Guilford is The University of Wellington, however he is open to incorporating a Māori element, stating that it is “important to find ways to honour our heritage if we do make a change”. Toihuarewa, Victoria’s forum for Māori academic interests, has proposed Te Herenga Waka, also the name of Victoria’s marae.

The VUWSA executive were consulted a week before the announcement, and President Marlon Drake is excited about the opportunity for VUWSA’s own name change. “It made me realise that we can definitely be a bit more creative about how we do things, and jumping straight to UWSA might not be that option.” Ngāi Tauira, VUW’s Māori Students’ Association, were disappointed to have not been consulted alongside VUWSA, however they are in support the proposed Māori name, Te Herenga Waka. As the name of the University’s marae, Ngāi Tauira co-President Nikayla Jonas felt that the name was already relevant to the campus, and much shorter and more likely to be used than Te Whare Wānanga o Te Ūpoko o Te Ika a Māui, Victoria’s current Māori name.

Green MP and former Victoria student Gareth Hughes also

supports the use of te reo, but is concerned about the about the status of older degrees. “Graduates will be asking if their qualifications will still be respected, when prospective employers find out Victoria University [of ] Wellington no longer exists.”

While Guilford said that staff are “strongly supportive of the change,” student opinion on the issue is divided. One student told Salient that the proposed change is “part of a worrying trend of NZ universities prioritising profit above all else,” with another saying that they supported a name change but were sceptical of the University’s motives: “they are obviously doing it this [sic] as a cynical marketing move to attract international students.”

Some students felt that any association with Queen Victoria was outdated, with one saying that “the commemoration of Queen Victoria in the name signals our colonial history without criticism.

If that was what the name change was about I could get behind it — would be cool and bold if the Māori name was not only changed to Te Herenga Waka, but became the primary name of the uni [sic]”. Another student felt that “the university's name has acquired its own mana across the years - personally, I don't think of a longdead German when I hear Vic Uni”.

VUW alumni have already been consulted on the name change, with more student consultations to follow online and through VUWSA. Guilford’s recommendation to the University Council could be made within a month or two, with the “outside spectrum” for his recommendation being by the end of the year.

If you have thoughts or feedback about the proposed name change, you can email students@vuw.ac.nz. Submissions will be accepted until the end of the day on Friday 8 June.

TRUMP'S AME RICA

appeared misinformed on the stipulations of the agreement, which would allow Iran to recover seized assets worldwide. Trump also claimed Iran was “cheating” restrictions on nuclear development, with no evidence of any such activity. The IAEA must regularly certify Iran’s compliance, and US intelligence must disclose any failure to act in accordance with the deal within 10 days.There has not yet been any reports of noncompliance since the agreement was implemented. President Hassan Rouhani announced that Iran is on “standby” to resume uranium enrichment, but are willing to uphold the agreement pending dialogue with the remaining signatories.

Trump has defied European heads of state, international diplomats, and security officials, including his own Secretary of Defense. Trump's decision to withdraw from the deal will destabilize relationships with European allies, allow Iran to pursue nuclear arsenal, appease hard-liners, and exacerbate tension in the Middle East. His desire to impose secondary sanctions will damage these relationships further, and is unlikely to do anything to advance American interests. With no incentive to house the IAEA, Iran would be capable of resuming covert nuclear development.

Defending the deal he helped negotiate, President Obama warned that the US could face “a losing choice between a nucleararmed Iran or another war in the Middle East". Obama also noted that “walking away from the JCPOA risks losing a deal that accomplishes — with Iran — the very outcome that we are pursuing with the North Koreans," calling the end to one armscontrol deal and the threat to another a “serious mistake”.

A Stable Genius Makes a Decision TORI BRIGHT President Donald Trump announced on 9 May 2018 that the United States is to withdraw from the Iranian Nuclear Deal — hours after the White House denied conversations around the deal taking place. The Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action ( JCPOA) is an international agreement between Iran, the United States, China, Russia, and the European Union, and is the climax of years of diplomatic tension surrounding reported efforts from Iran to develop a nuclear weapon.

The JCPOA was implemented in January 2016: Iranian sanctions were lifted, freeing over $100bn of frozen assets, and allowing Iran to rejoin global markets. In exchange, Iran agreed to commit to allowing "extraordinary and robust monitoring, verification, and inspection," of all nuclear facilities. 98% of their existing stockpile of enriched uranium was handed over, and the watchdog International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) maintained constant scrutiny over all Iranian nuclear sites.

President Trump expressed he does not believe Iran is complying with the restrictions and provisions set by the JCPOA. Claiming the United States is required to pay $100bn dollars to Iran, the President 6

Politics MONDAY 14 MAY 2018

POSTCAB ROUND UP Postcab to Have Sign Language Translator Last Monday 7 May was the start of NZ Sign Language Week. To mark the occasion, the PM had a sign language interpreter present, which she announced will be a feature of all Post Cabinet Press Conferences going forward.

Open Government Week The PM announced that it was also Open Government Week, and introduced Minister Carmel Sepuloni, who said that the Government is seeking New Zealand’s opinion on how to better protect and utilise personal information.

“It’s important the public trusts how the government uses data, and this Government is very aware that agencies need to work hard to rebuild public trust and confidence in data use,” said Sepuloni.

Asylum Seekers The PM was asked a number of questions regarding asylum seekers arriving via people-smuggling boats.

“Taking a preventive approach to stop it ever leaving a port is the optimal approach, regardless of that vessel,” said Adern.

She said she did not endorse that New Zealand being used “as a destination for people smugglers,” and said that New Zealand would abide by international laws should any people-smuggling boats enter NZ waters.

Hillary Clinton Visit The PM also said Hillary Clinton got a her Buzzy Bee as a gift after their meeting last Monday morning. I’m fairly opinionated about Hillary Clinton so I won't comment further.

- Angus Shaw

POLITICAL ROUND UP Waka Jumping Bill The controversial Electoral (Integrity) Amendment Bill — commonly known as the “Waka Jumping” Bill — passed its first reading in the House on 30 January 2018, and is now at the select committee stage.

The Bill aims to restore confidence in the integrity of Parliament and improve the way MPs are elected.

The Bill recently came under fire by numerous groups who have reiterated that it undermines democracy in New Zealand and that it restricts the ways in which the legislature of New Zealand can run.

Departing National MP Nick Smith, who sits on the Justice Select Committee, says that all submissions received were against

the Bill being passed into law.

"The major concern is giving the power to party leaders to be able to dismiss an MP and effectively a transfer of power to party leader at the expense of MPs and voters."

The public will be able to make submissions to the committee until the end of July.

Billion Dollar Gap and Other Education Mishaps Education Minister Chris Hipkins has accused the previous National Government of ignoring a $1 billion dollar cost involved in the development of Christchurch schools.

This is the latest “fiscal hole” that has come to light, and the Minister claims that National did not account for population growth when it set aside funding for the education sector during the Budgets of 2009-2017.

Hipkins said that it would be difficult to get the money to fix this shortfall and still have enough to establish repairs on Christchurch schools. "It's one thing to try to boost the economy by increasing the population size, but having no plans to pay for the infrastructure to support those extra people is short-sighted."

National Party Wins the Donations Race The annual return released by the Electoral Commission showed that during the 2017 Election the National Party, with $4,579,086, received around three times as many donations as the Labour Party, who recieved $1,611,073. The Opportunities Party received double the amount made by Labour, a large majority of it from tycoon Gareth Morgan. Despite this, TOP only received 2.2% of the total vote.

If any donations made to a party exceed $30,000 dollars, they must file official reports to the Electoral Commission.

Major donations received by parties include two whopping six figure sums to the ACT Party.

On the other end of the spectrum, the Aotearoa Legalise Cannabis Party and the Democrats for Social Credit both received $0 in donations for the 2017 campaign.

- Thomas Campbell

THE PARTY LINE Is the Government's policy to accept 1500 refugees per year enough or too little? Does your party believe New Zealand has the resources to accept more?

GREENS AT VIC

More people are displaced around the world right now than at any time since World War II. 65.6 million people are 7

displaced from their homes; 22.5 million of those people are refugees.

Meanwhile, Aotearoa takes in 0.3 refugees per 1,000 people who live here.

By comparison, Australia takes in 1.58 per 1,000 people — more than fives times our quota. Australia is not exactly known for treating refugees well! Denmark takes in ten times as many refugees as us per 1,000 citizens, Canada 14 times, and Sweden a staggering 47 times as many as Aotearoa.

The weakness of our effort to help the world’s most vulnerable people is utterly damning.

The Green Party want to increase the quota to take in 5,000 refugees per year by 2023. Our policy is far more significant than the 1,500 per year quota the Government are proposing. As the world experiences a shocking refugee crisis, we believe that catching up to match Australia’s refugee quota is the absolute least Aotearoa can do.

- Elliot Crossan ACT ON CAMPUS Act recognises the importance of accepting refugees. New Zealand can do more in this field we need to be looking to increase our refugee quota over the coming years and ensuring that we have the facilities and programs in place to help them with the adjustment period. I think if we have the capacity to help vulnerable people especially children then we should do all we can. David Seymour is doing all he can on Dancing with the Stars to help out vulnerable children in our own backyard.

His wardrobe choices may be questionable but his charity Kidsline is desperate for donations so feel free to go to their website and donate, or text David to 3333 to keep him in the competition and give to a charity that is helping so many.

- James Allan VICLABOUR By all means New Zealand should accept more refugees where possible. Vic Labour strongly supports Labour's efforts and policy to double the refugee quota from in 2016. Under the previous govt this was set at 750.

We have a worldwide refugee crisis on our hands. Where possible, NZ should to take more refugees than the set quota — though a larger quota will put a strain on resettlement services. There is also a need for significant increases in funding to other NGOs and resettlement services.

As the quota doubles this coming year, the Family Reunification Category will also be increased.

POLITICS

MONDAY 14 MAY 2018

ANOTHER INTERVIEW WITH A GREEN PARTY MP ANGUS SHAW

I spoke to Golriz Ghahraman, Green Party MP and New Zealand’s only refugee politician, about how she deals with tokenism, why Parliament is more challenging than a criminal trial, and her take on denim overalls.

So was human rights always something that you’ve been passionate about? Was that something you always wanted to make the focus of your career?

Yes that’s been the core focus of my career. The criminal courts are constantly applying human rights, so that’s always been the central to my career. The right to a fair trial is a fundamental human right. In New Zealand human rights are at the forefront of things like discrimination and treaty issues. Māori are so overrepresented in prisons and disenfranchised financially and can’t afford that kind of access to justice. One of the joys of my job now is working with Andrew Little and being able to have an actual vision of what the justice system is supposed to deliver. Some of the reforms we are working on are so exciting for someone who’s been at the forefront as a human rights lawyer and has actually looked into this as an expert.

This interview has been condensed and edited.

Could you catch me up on your background up to this point?

I was born in Iran, in Mashhad. My parents are a weird Middle East peace summit in the sense that my dad is Shia and my mother is Sunni and Kurdish and Azerbaijani (where we also spent a lot of time growing up). I was born a couple of years after the Iranian Revolution, just after Iran was introducing Islamic law and in the same year that Iran went to war with Iraq.

We moved here just the year after it began. When we moved here we did not know if it was permanent.

We applied and were eventually granted political asylum after some time. We ending up settling in West Auckland.

Being elected as one of the only immigrant politicians in New Zealand, and obviously the first refugee MP, do you to feel a responsibility to represent those with similar backgrounds to you? Correct me if that is a bit tokenistic on my part.

Professionally I went to law school in Auckland. I studied law and history, focusing on sex and gender within my history degree. I went from law school to interning at Amnesty International and that's where I hoped to work. I came out and realised I needed to actually practice law to be effective. I realised it wasn’t so much about me having my dream job, but it’s about actually being effective to implement rights.

I was going to be throwing this away if I don’t go out and learn how to actually practice law, which is what brought me to the criminal bar. Eventually I got a junior position at the (United Nations) Rwanda Tribunal. I was part of the UN system and then I went to Oxford to do my Masters because of that. Much later on I got my higher level UN job which was being part of prosecution team against the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia. I did that and then I eventually returned to New Zealand in 2012.

I think it’s hard to avoid. My running as a candidate weirdly coincided with the Trump election and was shortly after Brexit happened. So I think it took on meaning in a global context in a way. I ended up having people reach out to me from all over the world, telling me they were amazed that New Zealand has this other way, and also from others from similar backgrounds, saying “I thought I’d never see someone like me as a politician”. I quickly realised that my fear of tokenism was very much secondary.

I think it’s considered tokenistic now, but if more of us stand up so there’s lots of different faces and lots of different stories, it’s the only way to overcome tokenism. Representation does matter, so diversity matters and it ends up that identity matters. If that’s 8

POLITICS

called identity politics then I’m okay with that. Just as we need more people from the Rainbow community and disabilities community to stand up. And more women as well. I’m not necessarily comfortable with the responsibility because it’s huge and different every day but I’m okay with tokenism on this one because hopefully it won’t last and more people will stand up.

MONDAY 14 MAY 2018

see yourself in any other party other than the Greens?

When I came back to New Zealand I became really active, and I had this kind of funny dual feeling about in New Zealand. Why have we got these ridiculous child poverty stats, why are we looking to mine the national reserves? There was also a personal feeling that I wanted to move back. I decided I need to be in one place, I didn’t want to be an expat forever, I think that’s partly an identity problem. When you are a refugee and you can’t go back, you’re almost stateless, and then I was not really connected to any one place in my adult life. I didn’t really want to get kicked round the UN system forever. I came back to Auckland, became really active with the Green party on the internal side. I wanted to be connected with the people who were engaged with the people involved with the issues I was interested in.

Was it shocking being thrust immediately into the spotlight? Obviously you were announced as an MP after the initial election once the special votes came in.

I had actually gotten a lot of media for a new candidate, I think that was partly because of my background and my work for the UN. I think I ended up realising that media meant a platform. You could actually talk about important issues like race. Some people would ask weird questions like “How can we help other people from migrant backgrounds assimilate as well as you?” and you can be like "what do you mean?” and challenge that and it would get published. You could go “oh you mean that I’m a feminist and that I’m educated?”, well actually I get that from Iranian culture. I could bring to light that yeah it might be seen as tokenism but it’s humanising for a population. I welcomed it in the end. It’s a precious platform and people from my background don’t get it very often.

Do you think that the Government’s plan to double the refugee quota is enough?

New Zealand is ranked 90th by the UN for refugees hosted per capita. Is the Green Party plan to increase the quota to 5000 refugees within six years still on the cards?

That’s certainly still our policy, so obviously when I meet with the Minister for Immigration that’s going to be my position.

We definitely have not resolved that and Labour’s always known that’s what we want. I’m really focused on the resource side, on the family reunification because that’s an area where we actually have agreement on.

What was the thing you found most surprising about joining Parliament?

So you don’t think the level of refugees currently taken in by New Zealand is satisfying?

I found it far more adversarial, than the most adversarial system that you can colloquially think of, which is a criminal trial. Because in a criminal trial, yes you have the defence and prosecution, but you both understand that we are trying to establish truth, and at the end of it everyone walks away with some kind of middle ground. You accept the outcome. But in Parliament it feels like nothing is based on the debate, everything is predetermined and the debate is superfluous to our decision making process, which is terrible. It seems like you stand up and say something and it has no effect on the process. It’s certainly different from what I was used to, coming from a criminal law background.

No we’ve never said that, so we’ve never maintained that it was. We maintain our Green Party policy on that, we definitely continue to work with our Government partners to try and lift that level where we can.

Just to finish up, Andrew Little: with or without the beard?

With definitely yup, the same goes for Jeremy Corbyn.

Denim overalls, yes or no?

Was there a particular shift you saw in national politics that made you want to enter yourself? Could you ever

Solid yes, I grew up in the nineties. I had a couple of denim overalls. I may even have some presently.

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Opinion MONDAY 14 MAY 2018

ARE ISRAEL AND IRAN SLEEPWALKING TO WAR? CALUM STEELE

As the clusterfuck that is the Syrian Civil War continues to rumble away, more dangerous forces are beginning to stir in the region. In particular the decades-old rivalry between Tehran and Tel-Aviv is beginning to come to the fore.

With so many pieces moving at once on this geopolitical chessboard, this rivalry could almost be lost in the background noise. But behind the repeated denunciations of various parties, Israel’s reciprocal hatred for Iran is beginning to garner more attention from the intelligence community, beyond the usual sigh and a shaking of the head.

out for its grandiose threats though, in that it has been threatening to raze Tel-Aviv to the ground.

At a press conference hosted by Netanyahu where, in his characteristically piss poor use of audio-visual systems, he showed off a powerpoint presentation with alleged proof that Iran has been “playing the world for fools,” with respect to its nuclear program.

German and French officials have said that they will investigate the Israeli claims, but from what they have seen already this appears to be “old news,” and derived from information predating the 2015 nuclear deal.

Netanyahu’s claim that “a tonne” of documents is proof positive of Iranian duplicity however, has raised few eyebrows. The Atlantic noted that if these documents do indeed prove Tehran had a nuclear weapons program, this would surprise no one. It is indeed the entire point of the nuclear deal in the first place, especially since most of them date from 1991-2003, when Iran was widely suspected of said crime anyway.

Israel’s distaste stems from two key prongs of Iran’s policy of asserting itself in the region, namely, its continued support for Hezbollah, and its entrenchment in Syria — a play that is beginning to give generals in Israel a distinct feeling of being encircled.

While Iranian and Syrian weapons shipments — usually to Lebanon — have been the subject of numerous missile strikes during this war, a strike on Sunday 6 May against a pro-Syrian military outpost 10km from the city of Hama has drawn more attention than most, namely because of the scale of the attack. The explosion was so large it registered as an earthquake, and 26 people were immediately killed. At least 18 of these people being Iranian and likely members of the IRGC, although Iran strenuously denies this.

This was followed shortly afterwards by a missile strike against a Syrian army storage depot just outside Aleppo. Lebanon’s AlAkhbar paper reported that the facility was used to store munitions — including surface to surface missiles — and the site itself was likely hit by bunker busting munitions from the IAF. In and of themselves, these sorts of attacks tend to go under the radar, but they are beginning to draw a much more vitriolic response from both Tehran and Tel-Aviv, with both Governments issuing various threats about striking the other. Iran does appear to stand

On 9 May 2018 Trump followed through on his campaign pledge and spiked the nuclear deal with Iran, calling it “a rotten deal”. This most self-destructive of actions really does raise the prospect of a conflict between Iran and Israel, with the deal arguably being the only thing moderating Tehran’s behaviour. With the deal gone, the country is once again out in the cold, and is unlikely to feel any compunctions about lashing out in vengeance.

The final thing I would like to point out when considering a potential conflict between the two countries, is that unlike the most recent conflicts in the region, any potential war between these two has a bowel loosening likelihood of dragging in numerous regional and global powers – chief among them America and Russia. Even without the ominous threat of US/Russia involvement, they are more than capable of causing harm on a global scale.

Let’s hope than those in Tehran act with a little more restraint and take the high ground, unlike Bibi and Trump in their petulance.

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Sports MONDAY 14 MAY 2018

A TIGHT CONTEST FOR LOOSE FORWARDS KELLEN FARMER

Another previously reliable All Black loose-forward, Ardie Savea (24), has missed valuable minutes with the Hurricanes this year after suffering a rib injury that sidelined him for a month. He looked shaky in his return against the Sunwolves last weekend and admitted to having poor form this season “to be fair, probably”.

The Super Rugby competition is in full swing, and with round 14 coming up this weekend, several teams are tussling for the last playoff spots. However, round 14 also reminds us that it is less than a month until the June internationals, which means Steve Hansen and his selection team are fast approaching the revealing of their 2018 Steinlager Series squad.

Contrary to the bad luck Liam Squire has had this year with the Highlanders, the rise of Tongan-born Shannon Frizell (24) has been a pleasant surprise for a player previously overlooked by Super Rugby clubs in 2016 and 2017. Along with Frizell, Highlanders captain Luke Whitelock (27) has shown excellent form this season, topping the league in tackles made (129), and leading his side to 6 wins from 8 games —proving why the All Blacks’ coaching staff should give him a chance to add to his 1 cap in the black jersey.

Another possible inclusion from the Highlanders could also be the exciting openside flanker, Dillon Hunt (23). Hunt toured with the All Blacks in 2017 on their end of year Northern Tour, so he has experience in All Blacks camp, however his lack of experience and age may keep him out a little longer.

Despite New Zealand currently having 4 teams in the top 6 of this year’s competition, it hasn’t been smooth sailing for the most part.

The race for top spots has come at a severe cost for New Zealand teams, and perhaps more importantly, the All Blacks’ possible squad.

The games this year have been more demanding and physical than any other Super Rugby competitions have in recent memory. The gruelling travel and length of the competition has taken its toll on New Zealand’s top players, putting a massive strain on All Blacks’ selectors as they are faced with putting together a side that will not only be competitive with the French flair in June, but also one that builds a strong core of experienced players going into next year’s World Cup in Japan.

This year, the most difficult choice selectors will have is one that previously would have been a no-brainer. For the best part of a decade, the All Blacks had Richie McCaw, Kieran Read, and Jerome Kaino; a loose forward trio that was an almost certainty every year, and selectors could rely on these three players to perform. Even when McCaw left for retirement, Sam Cane (26) seamlessly slipped in to fill the giant boots left for him and made the open side position his own. However, the battle for the three loose forward positions this year is one that has its doors wide open for several players, due to injuries to Read, and Kaino deciding to call it quits on international rugby and head to Toulouse.

Another promising up-andcomer who has been on the All Blacks’ radar for the last 18 months, is Blues loose forward Akira Ioane (22), who sits third in the competition of total tries scored with 7.

His powerful bursts from the back of the scrum have been one of the few highlights in what has been a dismal season for the Auckland franchise. His work rate and willingness to do the hard yards is in question, something he will need to focus on if he is to challenge for a spot in the squad.

Over the last few years the All Blacks tend to pick 6 loose forwards for the June series, but perhaps the only certainty in this year’s loose forward selection is the ever-consistent Sam Cane, a reliable and cool-headed flanker who is technically sound and uses his large frame to crunch attackers and turn the ball over.

With all the off field incidents surrounding Jerome Kaino last year, his form and playing time suffered, leaving the door wide open for Liam Squire. Coming up through the Highlander system, Squire (27) seemed like a blindside who would be prepared to do the ugly work up front and provide size on the flank of the scrum. Instead what the All Blacks got was a high-flying blindside that could slice through defences and finish strongly on the wing. Unfortunately, Squire (27) has been ruled out of the French series due to a fractured thumb, giving selectors more headaches.

The date of the squad release is yet to be confirmed but it is no secret that the tightly contested battle for the loose forward trio is in the forefront of both the players’ and coaches’ minds as the French look to upset a vulnerable and injured All Blacks side.

Possible All Blacks loose forwards: Sam Cane, Luke Whitelock, Ardie Savea, Matt Todd,Akira Ioane, Shannon Frizell 11

News

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THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE SHITPOSTERS.

DAVID SEYMOUR REMAINS ON DANCING WITH THE STARS; MAY BECOME POLITICALLY RELEVANT LIAM POWELL Warning: ground-breaking investigative journalism to follow.

An extremely rushed investigation by Salient has revealed that David Seymour may gain more votes on Dancing With the Stars (DWTS) than in the 2017 general election.

DWTS received ratings of 213,469 New Zealanders in the 2554 age bracket.

Its broadcaster Mediaworks did not divulge how many voted in the competition, but this reporter felt about 10% were likely to give a fuck about the show, so he estimated that 10% of the audience voted, giving 21, 346.9 votes.

Of that number, he estimated that 40% of the votes would go to Mother of the Nation Suzy Cato, 35% would go to random Kiwis being lauded as “celebrities”, and the remaining 25% would go to ACT party leader and living caricature David Seymour, purely for the memes.

If DWTS maintains its ratings, and Mr Seymour endures as the meme lord we all know him to be, he will receive an average of 5,336.725 votes per week on the show.

Electoral Commission figures reveal David Seymour and ACT received a combined total of 29,580 votes in the 2017 General Election. Accordingly, it will take just five more weeks on the show before David Seymour receives more votes there than he has in politics.

When asked for his thoughts on these calculations via the only reliable way to communicate with him – Snapchat – the Epsom MP cryptically replied: “Who knows what the numbers are?”

The answer is that Salient does. It knows that these numbers mean Seymour stands to be more popular with the New Zealand public doing a jive, than talking about the merits of Ayn Rand or trickle-down economics.

KANYE "FREE THINKING IS A SUPER POWER" WEST

DJ KHALED INTERVIEW PROVES ONCE AGAIN THAT MEN AIN’T SHIT

KII SMALL Ancient philosopher, musician, and birth child of the 808 system, Kanye “Watch This” West has risen from his year in the woods without social media and human contact (Kim Kardashian is yet to be confirmed as 100% human).

During his alone time in the woods, Kanye has discovered that slavery in America was a choice, and any participant could have opted out at any given time. “Long hours, unfulfilling work, and horrible meals? It’s just like a school club. Why did people sign up? Lol,” said Long Meat Marcus, one convinced hip-hop head.

“I mean it just makes perfect sense, why didn’t we think of this before?” explained Marcus over the smokey fumes of his now incinerated ancestors’ antiques from their high school club.

West could possibly be creating controversy for hype to accompany his upcoming album in June — an album which is eagerly awaited by Donald Trump and the 17 other people who are struggling to still support West.

West also discovered how to sample the sound of time, and the right amount of cheese to put in a toastie. The public is eagerly awaiting his discovery of how to shut the fuck up.

VITA MOLYNEUX In early 2018, multiple scholars predicted this would be the year that men would prove that they were shit. However an interview with music mogul DJ Khaled has resurfaced this week, revealing that he does not and does not ever intend to perform oral sex on his wife, proving that men, in fact, still ain’t shit.

In the interview, he proclaims that “a woman should praise the man…the King”. He goes on to say that it would not be okay for a woman to refuse to go down on him because “there’s some things that y’all might not wanna do, but it got to get done”.

While it is completely fair for Khaled to refuse to perform sexual acts (after all, no one should have to do anything they don’t feel comfortable doing), the obvious double standard in his actions and apparent lack of care for consent proves the age-old hypothesis — that men ain’t shit.

Despite refusing to give his wife and the mother of his child any semblance of physical pleasure, DJ Khaled, aka The King, has admitted to hiring roughly 8 to 10 more talented men to pleasure his wife for him, while he stands in the corner of the room, jacking off and yelling out his own name repeatedly.

Various celebrities, including the lead singer of Smash Mouth and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, have valiantly attempted to prove that they are shit by reaching out with criticism for Khaled’s selfish bedroom behaviour, which is a ray of hope in these dark times.

Perhaps 2019 will prove more profitable to women. This reporter lives in hope.

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*NEWS*

MONDAY 14 MAY 2018

FAIRER FARES FAILS TO MITIGATE MOUNT STREET MARATHON ANGUS SHAW Salient can confirm that the extremely steep street which students are required to traverse in order to reach Kelburn Campus is still bloody steep, regardless of any public transport discounts.

When asked about Fairer Fares changes, an extremely sweaty third year student walking up Mount Street said “that’s cool… I guess”.

Salient spoke to the heavily panting 22 year old International Relations and Anthropology student, who expressed mild enthusiasm for VUWSA’s “Fairer Fares” scheme, which will reduce the cost of public transport for students. “I guess that’s useful if you catch the bus,” he said between gasps. “Hold up, let me get to the top of the hill,” he said before answering any more questions.

Salient spoke to a number of Commerce and Design students

who indicated that they might have been more inclined to enrol in Humanities or Sciences if not for the strenuous walk up to Kelburn campus. It appears that the difficulty of the walk was a significant factor in students’ choices in area of study. One student even went as far to say “I was always interested in Art History in high school, but when I discovered how sweaty I got after the walk up to Kelburn, I immediately enrolled in Marketing”.

Salient reached out to VUWSA to enquire if they or the University had any plans for an escalator up Mount Street, or even some kind of magic carpet system. They confirmed that a 25% public transport discount for students is to be rolled out in July of this year, however no escalator or other Mount Street transportation systems are in the works.

BLOODY HIPSTER HELL, IT'S A JUICE BAR CONTROVERSY

TUTORIAL DERAILED BY MAN WHO “JUST WANTS TO FOLLOW ON FROM THAT”

SHANTI MATHIAS The owners of the popular juice bar Blood and Oranges, well known at night markets across Wellington, have been arrested over suspected possession of suspicious substances.

The juice bar was known for its range of fresh juices that all use blood orange as a base, making delightfully Instagrammable drinks.

However, it seems that the owners took the “blood” part too literally.

In a press release, Wellington Police spokesperson Sara Bavan described it as an “unusual case”.

“Prior to this, Blood and Oranges had an ‘A’ hygiene rating. That isn’t usually our jurisdiction, but after testing some of the juices in our lab, we found that they contained small amounts of blood,” she said.

After persistent following up by Salient, she was still reluctant to admit what kind of blood was found in “Blood and Oranges” juice, but did hint that there might be some significance to the fact that Blood and Oranges only served at night.

Tina Bilcoul, a frequent patron of the juice bar, said “I’m going to miss Blood and Oranges so much. I hope they sort this out soon and can come back. The tangy drinks with just a hint of umami were the highlight of my week”. After Salient asked about the blood allegations, she said “I guess that’s not good”.

While the use of blood in fruit juice is certainly controversial, the forensic lab investigation found the Blood and Oranges advertising claim that it contains 63% of recommended daily vitamins and minerals was accurate.

Sylvan Grave, the owner of Blood and Oranges, was unavailable for comment.

VITA MOLYNEUX An English Literature tutorial was decimated today by one man’s desire to share his insight with the class.

“It’s not really a question, but more of a comment really,” he announced to the class.

Following on from a perfectly succinct point from a classmate, the young man decided that now was the perfect time to discuss his own personal experience that tenuously connected to the material being covered. A low gasp was heard echoing around the room as the man began on his tirade.

Beginning with his 2008 holiday in India, the man began to chronicle every single instance of his life that had lead him to this moment, finishing with a quote from the novel that connected the tales by a hair-like thread.

Twenty minutes later the entire class was immersed in what has been described as a state of “near catatonic boredom”. One witness said, “you could almost taste the self-indulgence. It was rich. Meaty”.

Appreciation for the tutor was raised as he thanked the man for his contribution and struggled to find a salient point amongst the tangent. However, it was too late. The class ended with no one any the wiser on what they needed to write for the upcoming assignment.

The story-teller was not contacted for comment, as none of our reporters were brave enough to subject themselves to the lengthy discussion that would follow.

UPDATES ON KYLIE JENNER'S BABY It’s that time of the week again, when I “ironically” google Kylie Jenner’s baby. However Popsugar’s headline “Kylie Jenner Keeps It Sexy For Her First Red Carpet Outing Since Becoming a Mom” made me break out in hives and I refuse to delve further into this particular void of the dark web. Salient maintains its position of giving not one single fuck about Stormi Webster.

13

LETTERS Dear Salient, You're really going to print full-page reviews for single episodes of the Joe Rogan podcast? I don't know who's clamouring for podcast reviews generally, but if they're being foisted upon us can they at least not be incredibly specific selections of macho trash that read like they're written by one of those youtubers who make 4-hour videos about why they don't like communism? "[Russell] Brand exercises a large vocabulary and has a knack for knitting his sentences together," we're told, to which I can only respond: "Oh, that certain reviewers should be so lucky."

-Horrified Reader Dear Reader Thank you for your constructive criticism. I will try to be more loquacious in my next review.

I would hate to think that anything in Salient is foisted upon you.

Indeed, our humble podcast review section occupies the back pages of the magazine.

Please don't take my review as sacrosanct authority on the episode and given your innate tendency to be outraged, I hope that you are so inspired that you make the time to listen to the podcast yourself.

If you are inspired further, I invite you onto my own radio show so we can develop ideas outside of the confines of the podcast review section.

Yours sincerely JM Dear Salient, I send this raven from beyond the wall. Yes, even in the godless wastes of Auckland, university students find some humour in the work of Vic's finest.

However, upon receiving my copy of Salient from the black market I was shocked to see that your standards on puzzles have been slipping as of late. When the Han Solo-esque smugglers risk life and limb to bring us Aucklanders some sudoku marked as "literal murder", we expect the sweet release of death that we crave, not fifteen wasted minutes followed by the realisation that we're still alive and our assignments are still due tomorrow.

All this to say, step up your sudoku game.

SIncerely, The University of Auckland Dear salient, After the article about all the online ads and companies watching you, I went and changed a whole heap of my passwords. I also went and checked Facebook, found out some random from Sweden had signed in under my name, and also that Facebook ads directed to me mostly thought I was super into Harry Potter and movies (which is semi accurate but means they don't know too much about me, which is good).

The article was kind of scary, but pretty important to remember. It's so easy to let issues like our privacy slide because they're weird and uncomfortable to think about, inconvenient and not really relevant.

Then you see something like Cambridge Analytica which drives it all home. Anyway, that was a good article but yeah I'm still going to use Facebook.

Sincerely, Someone who should be sleeping but instead is letter to the editor-ing.

LETTER OF THE WEEK Dear Salient, I am thoroughly enjoying your new *News* section this year, which is regularly full of top-notch satire. Its most recent pieces on the ridiculousness of Air New Zealand safety videos and the procrastination study afflicted with its own subject were particularly good.

However, I have to note that poor David Seymour cannot seem to catch a break in this magazine. This last week you made fun of him for giving blood, surely a non-partisan act to be commended rather than tenuously connected to a "Purge-esque neoliberal nightmare"! His appearance on Dancing With the Stars, which admittedly wasn't exactly easy to watch, saw no sympathy in Shit Chat.

I mean, you could argue sometimes he's pretty much *asking* to be made fun of, but maybe lay off "Old Daddy Dave" for one issue?

Sincerely, Not a member of Young Act Dear Definitely a Member of Young ACT, No. Turn to page [insert whichever page Liam’s David article is on] for more savagery of Dearest Daddy Dave. Love you xoxo

Send us letters to editor@salient.org.nz otherwise we are just over here playing with ourselves. Your feedback and opinions are valid (maybe). *Letter of the Week wins a double day pass to Zealandia

NOTICES AMNESTY AT VIC: SOCIAL DRINKS Join us to make a toast to freedom! Amnesty International is a global movement fighting for truth, justice and freedom worldwide: come along to our social drinks to find out more and meet like-minded people who are passionate about human rights. Register via the Eventbrite link (tinyurl.com/ y9ke3dzm) on our Facebook event to get your ticket and FREE DRINK! Basque Rooftop Bar - 7pm, Friday 25th May CAREERS EVENTS COMING UP IN MAY Law Careers in Focus events Come along and hear where your Law degree can take you. Recent Vic graduates will share their experiences of then there is an opportunity to network with recent grads, recruiting managers and sector leaders over refreshments.

Working in the public sector Tuesday 17 May , 5.30pm – 7.30pm, GBLT3 for panel session followed by networking in the Salmond Room.

Working in small and medium sized law firms Thursday 24 May, 5.30pm – 7.30pm, Salmond Room, Level 2 Law School.

Sign up on www.victoria.ac.nz/careerhub today! Hurry places are filling fast!

CEILIDH WITH VICFOLK FOR VUWSA ARTS WEEK Saturday 19th May 7-10pm Thistle Hall, 293 Cuba Street Tickets: Students $7 | General public $12 (when booked through Eventbrite otherwise $10/$15 on the door) Vic Folk is back with high-energy Irish and Scottish tunes for a great evening of dancing! We'll have a caller to explain it all and no experience or partner is required.

'Cèilidh' is the Gaelic word for a 'gettogether', especially when there's music and dancing involved. It's a really fun way to experience live music and a really social night out.

Vic Folk's been rocking it since 2017. Our St Patrick's Day dance was a sellout, and we're excited to be back and contributing to VUW Student Association's celebration of arts at Victoria University. Student discounts available, but ceilidhs are for everyone - all welcome!

Book ahead for a discount on tickets, at Eventbrite here: https://goo.gl/EpcYhz SUSTAINABILITY WEEK Are you passionate about the environment, climate action and sustainability in our everyday lives? Sign up to volunteer in a range of roles of Sustainability Week 2018 ( 28th May-1st June) - we're planning events, activities and more on the theme of "Change your Habits, Change the world!!!"

Email vuwsustainabilityweek@gmail.com for more info!

GGINC VICTORIA UNI OF WELLINGTON What’s your bold idea? Schneider Electric Launches Go Green in the City Do you have what it takes to find innovative solutions for smarter, more energy-efficient cities? Schneider Electric, the leader in digital transformation of energy management and automation, has launched Go Green in the City 2018, its global contest which helps students to develop their bold ideas for new sustainable solutions, and gain a foothold in the industry. Schneider Electric has a bold vision to solve our planet’s energy paradox – will you help? The stakes for competitors are high, with mentoring, networking, travel, cash prizes and business/job opportunities all on the horizon. Find out more: www. gogreeninthecity.com WELLINGTON WINTER ZINE MARKET Saturday, June 9th, 12pm-5pm @ Thistle Hall, Corner of Cuba and Arthur Street.

A cozy afternoon of zine browsing, buying and sharing, hosted by Wellington Zinefest.

Have zines to sell or trade? Stall applications are $5 and are open from now until 18th May. Email wellingtonzinefest@ gmail.com for more information.

Have a zine but don't want a stall? We’ll have a communal stall as well. Everyone is welcome, whether you've been making zines for years or never heard of them before.

Follow Wellington Zinefest on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for more updates.

MANNING UP Personal Reflections of Masculinity in New Zealand ALEXANDER WALKER

Manning Up: Personal Reflections of Masculinity in New Zealand CW: discussion of suicide

In my time volunteering at a helpline, I heard hundreds of emotional experiences from men who had never told anyone else for fear of being seen as weak.

The fact they invariably found so difficult to believe is that by telling me — or indeed anyone — they had shown themselves to be profoundly strong individuals.

Tragically, their acts of support-seeking is the exception rather than the rule. In New Zealand, our norm is a mental health crisis, with males committing suicide at disturbingly high rates. Considering this masculine insistence on bottling our emotions, I can only be bitterly unsurprised.

It’s a winter’s night in Auckland, and three men are talking about their feelings in a spa. The air is full of words I never thought I’d hear.

“I’m scared of failure.”

“I’m unhappy with being myself.”

“I don’t think what I do is good enough.”

As the quiet conversation continued, awe swept into my immediate thoughts. Why was this so difficult?

Perhaps more importantly, why did I feel proud?

It is now 2018, and New Zealand has been at the forefront of suicide rates for the third year in a row. Years have passed since that night in the spa, Maybe it was because we had never shared a but James’s comment sticks in my head. In both my conversation like this, a conversation where all the curiosity and frustration, I sit down and ask him about masks of coolness and humour had been stripped the unwillingness of men to confide in other men. “It’s away. In fact, the conversation was so exceptional kind of strange,” James tells me. “I definitely feel like that I even remarked on it during that very night. I girls are easier to talk to. It might be more because still remember how my friend James paused, then of the caring nature they have. Even with the stuff admitted, “I’m usually happening recently, I more comfortable talking had you right there for to girls about this kind of me to talk to but I still The association between thing.” masculinity and hiding emotions wanted to talk to a girl about it.” is deeply toxic. It’s more The year was 2016 and suicide in New Zealand James is in his second concerned with the perception had once again reached year serving in the Royal of weakness rather than the an all-time high, with New Zealand Air Force genuine presence of strength the highest numbers and holds the position of recorded since the Air Warfare Specialist.

Coronation Office began This kind of lifestyle may keeping records in 2008. 579 people had taken their draw to mind images of classic masculinity: “brothers lives, and 409 of them were men. in arms”, frat-like parties, and boyish banter. In terms of evaluating masculinity within this context, James The link between men and suicide has always, on views it as a fluid construct that changes depending the surface, seemed very confusing. After all, the on where he is. “How I interpret myself is often based masculinity model of strength and assertiveness on who I’m hanging out with. I just spent four months should surely be an antithesis for suicide, rather than doing a military job with military people, and I went a predictor of it. to the gym lots, and hung out with the lads a lot.

Over there I would be less receptive to emotional The association between masculinity and hiding support. Now that I’m back in a more mixed crowd, emotions is deeply toxic. It’s more concerned with I’d probably swing a bit more to the emotional sides the perception of weakness rather than the genuine of things.” presence of strength; after all, strength is maintained in intimate and supportive connections, not in the It’s a trait I’ve noticed about him. In the two occasions bottling up of emotions. Nevertheless, we remain James has returned from extensive immersion in the Air entrenched within the idea that confiding our emotions Force, I’ve seen a marked shift to a more traditional is a weakness. My friend Nick says, “A lot of men masculine identity which slowly fades as time goes feel like they are isolated because they can’t speak to on. James alludes to this idea when talking about their friends about [their problems], so they have to conformity: “You definitely find yourselves being keep it in. I think there has to be a correlation between grouped into that [traditional masculine culture] and not talking to your friends and colleagues about a acting more like them as you spend more time with problem and suicide rates”. them. Every so often you’ll find someone who sticks out a bit, and I tend to get along with them more.”

17

THE CRYING RUGBY PLAYER IS UNSETTLING, THE ASSERTIVE RUGBY PLAYER IS NATURAL. Not every man identifies with the traditional masculine model. Nick is a third year student studying anthropology and grew up in a largely female dominated social sphere. His parents split when he was young, leaving his mother as the sole caregiver.

At school he surrounded himself with girls rather than boys.

eleven. I ask him how a serious illness affects being a man, especially a man who considers service a defining component of manhood. He smiles ruefully.

“You’re not a whole lot of use when you’re in a bed.

With chronic fatigue, your agency and activity has been taken away. You’re a very passive figure. And so in terms of those masculine ideals, you feel lesser. ”

“The guys bullied me because I was more 'feminine'," he says matter-of-factly. It sounds like he’s become desensitized to the bullying committed against him.

In terms of processing emotions, Van seems to fall into quite a traditional masculine mode. “I like to be a very independent person and deal with things myself… I’m not quite sure what expressing emotions more would look like. It’s a masculine ideal I find quite attractive.” For Van, this mindset means that he will almost never confide his emotions to other people unless the emotions have become overwhelming. He laughs when I ask if he would want a partner who shared this trait. “I would probably want my partner to be more open… which is now making me think that I should be more open.”

Because Nick is homosexual, he’s had a different experience in engaging with emotions from the traditional masculine model. He says, “I have a male cousin who is very classically ‘masculine’ and he’s stigmatised for being emotional. If he cries, it’s seen in a different light from me. Being queer and more feminine allows me to have an inner core that’s different from the stoicism of 'manning up'.

In our country, the peak of manhood is often depicted as a rugby player; someone athletic, tall, and tough, the quintessential man. Richie McCaw, a former All Black player and captain, discussed this idea in an episode of the Movember Podcast: “All Blacks represented what a good Kiwi bloke was: a big, rugged, tough man.”

Nevertheless, Van’s more stoic approach to emotions makes sense within the context of New Zealand. The men we put on a pedestal in this country are men who are seen as tough and stoic, the Richie McCaws and Edmund Hillarys. The accuracy of this image doesn’t matter. The point is that this is the archetype that New Zealand recognises, and this is the social force affecting boys growing up today. That is not to say that the appeal and emulation of these ideas will always be toxic. With Van I sensed a contentment in his mindset, a feeling of comfort regarding engaging emotions alone. There is always a middleground to be found.

Crucially, Nick is quick to point out that masculinity does not necessarily mean an absence of emotions.

Instead, it simply implies a particular set of them.

Aggressive and assertive emotions are very much masculine, whereas it’s the “sadder spectrum of emotions that conflict with society’s view of men”. The crying rugby player is unsettling, the assertive rugby player is natural.

However, much like how Van would not want his personal emotional regulation to be modeled in a partner, he doesn’t think all men should act like him.

“I definitely wouldn’t want to preach my way as a standard… there’s a difference between putting a bandage on a cut when you scrape yourself and refusing to go to the hospital when you’ve lost a leg.”

Masculinity can certainly hold positive associations as well. For my friend and flatmate Van Pham, this takes the form of traditional ideas like “...service and honour, giving back to society, being active”. Van has been dealing with a chronic illness since he was 18

Manning Up: Personal Reflections of Masculinity in New Zealand A commonality stuck out to me throughout all three of my conversations: the role of women as a confidant, rather than fellow men. For James this was because of “the caring nature they have,” something almost biological rather than social. Nick’s predominant female friendships seemed to have been influenced by the male-dominated bullying and locker-talk he experienced at school. Van’s outlook was affected by feelings of safety: “There’s a precedent in ideas of masculinity that you can share your vulnerabilities or — I don’t know if pain is the right word — your hardships, with women. I definitely feel safer talking to a woman, and I’m sure that’s Patriarchy 101.”

the shoulders of women speaks more to our gender’s deep-rooted insecurity around feelings, rather than proof that emotional labour is a woman’s natural role.

This adherence to the women-are-emotional, men-arestoic model has only resulted in inequality for women and rising suicide rates among boys and men.

Three men talking about their feelings during a winter’s night is an exceptional and wonderful thing. But I’m holding out for the day when such an event is simply commonplace. It’s going to take a lot of work on our part, perhaps years of shifting a culture which has become deeply engrained within the New Zealand psyche. But it’s clear that reevaluating how we view masculinity has never been more important. It is not, of course, a singular solution to New Zealand’s suicide crisis among boys and men. Suicide is a multilayered and complicated topic with no simple fix-it button. It is not solely caused by the discourse we have around emotions in masculinity, and nor will it be solely solved by improving it. Still, having this discourse is a step forward, and certainly a step that has been long overdue to take. Any boy who feels as though it’s okay to cry is a victory.

This reliance we have on women for emotional support seems equally damaging to both genders. Recently there has been an increase in feminist discourse concerning emotional labour, and how women are societally required to bear the brunt of it. This holds true for everyday life, where women are expected to manage the emotions of their partners and friends, but it also takes the form of workplace role inequality.

It is a thorny problem, and I can’t help but think that my gender’s tendency to place emotional matters onto

HELPLINES Free call or text 1737 anytime for support from a trained counsellor

Healthline – 0800 611 116 to talk to a registered nurse

Safe to Talk (sexual violence) - 0800 044 334 or text 4334

Samaritans – 0800 726 666 Depression Helpline – 0800 111 757

Lifeline – 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP)

Anxiety New Zealand 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)

Youthline (for youth) – 0800 376 633 or free text 234 Outline (LGBTQIA+) – 0800 688 5463

The Lowdown NZ (for youth) — free text 5626 or visit thelowdown.co.nz

Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)

MOSAIC (Supporting Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse - 022 419 3416​)

19

A Tight Ass Yogi As 2018 rolled around, I settled on three New Year’s resolutions. To get fit, be more sane, and less broke.

I concocted a plan to combine all these goals in one: by signing up to free trial memberships for each yoga studio in Central Wellington. I was excited at the thought of becoming a leaner, more zen me, at minimal cost.

for a 90-minute Bikram class, which was no walk in the park, however, the shouty but beautiful teacher got me through. Afterwards I felt that amazing sense of calm I had become familiar with, known as being “yoga stoned”. Throughout my trial I began to love the classes and the quirky folk at Yoga for the People, and luckily I survived yet another trial without any toots from my back or front bottom. Unfortunately my trial was cut short, after suffering an injury brought on by a boozy night at Dakota riding the mechanical bull. I was confined to corpse pose for a week.

Firstly, I trialled Hot Yoga on Wakefield Street for two weeks. Hot Yoga is a cute little studio located next to my favourite shop of all time, Common Sense Organics. On arrival I was a bundle of nerves, but excited to delve into the weird and wonderful word of yoga. Upon entering the studio, the heat hit me like a tonne of bricks, but following the lead from my fellow yogis I placed my mat in the back corner of the back row and began to focus on my breathing.

When the young, jazzy teacher arrived ten minutes later, she encouraged us all to set an intention for class. Me being the sophisticated, mature women I am, I settled on not thinking about my stupid, hairy crush (who doesn’t like me back) for the next 60 minutes. Obviously, the class dragged on for two days and two nights, with all of my thoughts centred on stupid, hairy boy. I left this class feeling both hot and agitated but determined to stick with it, if only to rid my mind of hairy crush. After the next couple of classes I began to enjoy sweating major balls around complete strangers. I was hooked.

On the second to last day of this trial, disaster struck at Wakefield Street Hot Yoga. When in corpse pose after a particularly quiet and delicious late night zen class, I let out a very unexpected, loud toot from my back bottom. Needless to say, I left at lightning speed, never to return.

After a few timid weeks recovering from my severe but not life-threatening injury, I signed up for my final trial with Empower studio. There were lots of things I liked about this little studio, including the diverse range of classes, and the cool equipment on hand.

Post- bull riding incident, and an indulgent Easter, I waddled my way to my first yoga class at Empower.

It was a small class, so there was nowhere to hide.

The purple haired teacher manhandled me into poses I didn’t think were possible for my voluptuous frame, but I walked home with a fresh spring in my step. I felt approximately 10 kgs lighter, and more motivated than ever to continue my quest.

One class Empower Studio offers is an animal movements class. After a day of feeling feline, I signed up. On arrival, I noted there were 6 males to just 2 females, which immediately made me feel scatty.

After another glimpse around the room I noticed just how fit and toned the class was, except one — me. When the super charming and handsome teacher arrived and demonstrated what sort of animalistic moves we were going to be doing, I got the sweats and wanted to be curled up at home with an aching back. But I persisted. My 5’11, voluptuous self struggled through the chimpanzee pose, which consisted of one a onehanded plank type move and flowing into the flying ostrich — and I was done. Apparently, the lack of enthusiasm on my face prompted the gorgeous English instructor to give me special attention, which meant I was manhandled in every which way possible. This included tits, ass, and a foot to his face.

Giving myself a few days to recover from that traumatic incident, I signed up with Hot Yoga on Featherston street (under a fake name). By this stage I was like an addict, needing my yoga fix. My first thoughts, feelings, and emotions on entering this studio were that it is very lux and spacious. I trialled several different classes and enjoyed all the assorted styles and teachers this studio had to offer. When the trial ended I was sad to leave.

Luckily, Wellington has almost as many yoga studio as coffee shops. Studio number three was called Yoga for the People. On arrival I was greeted by a ridiculously good-looking woman with eyes as bright as the universe. It turned out she was the teacher. This yoga studio was somewhat dated but the people were friendly, and the bathroom was flash. I was signed up

My yoga experiment was over. Although I discovered a new-found love and appreciation for all things yoga, it became evident that practicing yoga from the safety and security of my room minimizes public humiliation, and is the most cost effective option.

21

HALLS: LONELY BUT NOT ALONE

HANNAH PATTERSON

Halls: Lonely but not Alone inducing.

There are probably some people in this world who breeze through the end of high school and into university; people who seamlessly transition from living at home to sharing a home with hundreds of strangers. I’m going to hazard a guess and say that these people make up, at most, about 3% of your hall population.

It took me a while to hit my stride in halls. I spent a lot of O-Week feeling awkwardly terrible at navigating introductions and small-talk. I’d walk down to breakfast praying that I would have a friend down there so I wouldn’t have to sit alone. In my spare time I’d weigh up the least uncomfortable way of greeting people (I settled on a casual, not at all forced little wave). For a while I felt seriously-deficient in the friend-making department, like I’d somehow missed out on the part of life where everyone finds out how be good at basic human interaction.

I have many colourful memories of my year-long stay in a hall of residence. Let me paint you a picture of a typical night in the hall for me: sitting alone in my slightly-too-small, slightly-too-dark room, dipping a variety of foods into peanut butter, while the sounds of my peers drinking outside reverberated off the walls. Okay, I thought, so this is what “the best year of my life” looks like? I still hadn’t met any soulmates or life-long friends, I liked sleeping in far more than the hall chant competition, and I found the evening ritual of going down to eat dinner with a group of 20 “friends”, honestly, very strange.

I couldn’t shake the isolating sensation that I was standing on the outside looking in, at a group of people whose friendship seemed warm and glowing, who all seemed to be getting exactly what we were all supposed to get from the halls. Except there I was standing on the periphery, a quiet observer, alone in my thoughts.

When you first go into halls there is undeniable pressure. First, there’s the anticipation that builds months in advance: visiting the University on open day, choosing which hall to apply for, the countless stories shared by older friends and family — you know, the anecdotes of crazy/ fun/ amazing times in the hostel, and the repetitive assurances that it will be the BEST time of your LIFE. Suddenly O-Week events start popping up on Facebook, people are messaging you asking which hall you got into, and you’ve already managed to Facebook stalk most of the people you’ll be living with.

And that’s what made it harder than it needed to be: feeling like I was the only who felt this way, like I’d managed, through my own ineptitude, to fail at something everyone else found easy.

Except that wasn’t true, isn’t true, and once I realised this, things got significantly better.

SITTING ALONE IN MY SLIGHTLYTOO-SMALL, SLIGHTLY-TOO-DARK ROOM DIPPING A VARIETY OF FOODS INTO PEANUT BUTTER

To cut to the chase, life improved when I realised two things: 1) placing so much value on other people’s perception of halls was not only unfair on myself, but also utterly pointless, and 2) that there were a countless number of people in my hall who (I realised once I talked to them) felt exactly the same. Accepting that I am the way I am, and sometimes that means being a little awkward, made my life better. So did realising that eating dinner alone without caring what others think is actually kind of awesome. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you any quick, surefire ways of making your hall life easier. But I can say that talking to others can really help, because if you’re feeling some kind of way, it’s almost a certainty that others in your hall are too.

Perhaps it was only me that felt this way, but it certainly felt like the world had my head in a vice grip and was ordering me to HAVE A REALLY FUN TIME. Maybe this sounds kind of nice, even a little exciting, but it also makes for a pretty intense amount of pressure.

And so, off I went, primed to have a “life-changing experience”, with only a small and quiet part of myself wondering what would happen if I didn’t.

Now don’t get me wrong, the halls didn’t absolutely suck. I didn’t find myself frustrated or angry or lonely or sad on a concerningly regular basis. I made some great and lasting friendships, and had some truly wonderful and fun experiences. I can appreciate my year in the halls for what it was, an interesting and challenging part of my life. But, that doesn’t mean living in close proximity with 300 other people wasn’t really hard sometimes. That’s what they don’t tell you about halls: they can be intense, stressful, and anxiety-

At the end of the day, the only hall experience you are capable of having is your own. It’s 100% okay and normal to find it all kinds of shitty. If this applies to you, I hope you have found some comfort in knowing I struggled through it just as awkwardly. I will now leave you with one life-changing piece of information: taking your breakfast up to your room instead of eating it downstairs is totally all good!! You’ll never have to engage in half-asleep, 8am small talk again.

23

OU R DYI NG RIGHT Perspectives on End of Life Choice FAU N RIC E

Our Dying Right: Perspectives on End of Life Choice In 2015, Wellington lawyer Lecretia Seales made news by petitioning for the right to a physician-assisted death. She was 41 years of age, with an inoperable brain tumor, and several months left to live.

conditions you have to meet to be able to access assisted dying, passive euthanasia, or assisted suicide.

You must be 18 years or older, a NZ citizen or permanent resident, and you must also suffer from a terminal illness likely to kill you within 6 months, or a “grievous and irremediable” medical condition such as or Huntington’s or Parkinson’s disease.

In addition to these conditions, your circumstances must be advanced and irreversible, you must be experiencing unbearable suffering, and you must be of sound mind, able to communicate your decision and understanding of assisted dying to your physician.

Shortly before she passed away, Lecretia’s husband, Matt Vickers, relayed to his wife that the High Court had ruled against them. Lecretia was not able to speak, but was still mentally competent.

Remembering this moment, Matt later told the press: “There was no mistaking her response. She was hurt and disappointed. She fixed me with a stare with her good eye as if to say 'Isn't this my body? My life?' Her breath slowed and she turned her head away. Her reaction utterly broke my heart.”

The Bill allows your doctor conscientious objection.

If they do not feel comfortable with euthanasia, they are allowed to refuse and refer you to someone else.

A new attempt at assisted dying legislation in New Zealand has recently reawakened memories of Lecretia’s case, and has faced both significant support and significant opposition.

A few weeks ago, I went to a press briefing hosted

by Hospice New Zealand. I arrived a little early, and most of the panelists came up to say hello, welcome me in, and offer water, a lolly, and a seat. While they were kind to all of the journalists (and I think it takes a kind person to go into palliative care) they seemed very enthusiastic to see a student paper present. One of the organizers approached me afterwards and commented that it was exactly the young, student age group, who should really think about our values around death and dying.

David Seymour, Epsom electorate MP and leader of ACT New Zealand, introduced The End of Life Choice Bill in June of 2017. It recently passed its first reading. A flood of public submissions followed, and the Select Committee is preparing a report to recommend changes before the Bill goes through a second reading.

If everyone had access to good end of life care, they argued, no one would want euthanasia.

New Zealand holds a vast array of deeply held convictions on the topic of assisted dying. Some, like Lecretia, contend that the right to die with dignity is an essential part of human freedom. Others raise questions about coercion, vulnerability, and whether or not it is possible to write a “safe” assisted dying bill.

Hospice NZ also invited panelists from Australia New Zealand Society of Palliative Medicine (ANZSPM) and Palliative Care Nurses New Zealand (PCNNZ).

The speakers were all decidedly against the End of Life Choice Bill. They argued that New Zealand patients are not referred to palliative care often enough, and that people might opt for euthanasia without being aware of all their options. Palliative care is not well funded enough to be accessible to everyone in New Zealand. If everyone had access to good end of life care, they argued, no one would want euthanasia.

“Assisted dying” takes more than one form. A physician can administer a lethal dose of medication to a patient who doesn’t want to give it to themselves, or who physically can’t. Or, a patient may selfadminister under a doctor’s supervision, which is sometimes called assisted suicide.

Many people and countries draw a line between assisted dying, assisted suicide, and “passive euthanasia,” which usually means that death was brought about by the absence of care. A doctor might withdraw or withhold treatment, like turning off life support. Passive euthanasia is already legal in New Zealand.

The panelists were practicing physicians, palliative care specialists, and nurses. Many of them had known patients who, in their eyes, had “internalized” the pressure to not be a burden on friends and family.

Prof. Rod MacLeod of Hospice NZ said that it is “impossible to detect coercion from behind a closed door,” and that this Bill would do a poor job of protecting the vulnerable in their last few weeks and months.

In David Seymour’s End of Life Choice Bill, there are quite a few 27

Our Dying Right: Perspectives on End of Life Choice The next week, I met Ann David, a campaigner for the right to die with dignity. We sat in the National Library and spoke in a quiet corner as passers-by came and went from the Signatures that Shape New Zealand exhibit. She came prepared with a collection of bookmarked materials, which she used to rebut common arguments against assisted dying.

made a submission to Parliament recommending that two clauses be added for reassurance: that “disability alone” and “mental health alone” will not count as “sufficient grounds for assisted dying”.

Ann has been involved in this debate since her mother passed in an Australian hospital under a process called “Terminal Sedation”.

Dr. Salina Iupati, a palliative care specialist with ANZSPM, voiced a concern to me about wrongful deaths before the formal Hospice event began.

Terminal sedation, or palliative sedation, is currently legal in New Zealand. It is considered a form of passive euthanasia. Ann described the procedure with distaste: the doctors removed all medication except enough sedative to help her mother sleep. They also removed nutrition and hydration, and delivered an enema so that no distressing bacteria could build up.

Any review board for this Bill, she said, would be a “cloak of medical legitimacy” hiding the true difficulty of telling whether or not a death was above board.

After a person is dead, it is extremely difficult to tell if there was coercion, if the patient was of sound mind, or if a doctor made the right decision. In the Netherlands, four cases have recently been raised for review, and the results of these inquiries might tell us more about how effective a review board can be.

Further amendments to the Bill are likely to make it “even safer,” added Ann.

Ann’s mother had suffered a series of strokes that left her paralyzed, and eventually, unable to see or communicate. She was “locked inside” her body.

When Ann realized that her mother had no chance of recovery, she spoke with a doctor about her options.

She “didn’t realized what was involved at the time,” she said, but “wasn't asked to sign anything. Straight after our conversation in a hospital corridor, the doctor instructed heavy sedation and a discontinuation of nutrition and hydration until death. It took nine days”.

When I asked Ann about the problem of oversight, she nodded. “I hear the argument. I go back to the point that we don’t have any review for terminal sedation at the moment, or for requests to switch off life support, or the discontinuation of treatment… so [the End of Life Choice Bill] will be the best reviewed, most scrutinized and most examined process in the country.”

Implementing an assisted dying bill safely is a policy issue. Underneath that policy issue lie countless deeply personal questions, such as where the boundaries of personal autonomy lie, and whether or not there is a time at the end of life where suffering eclipses all meaningful experience. Ann, the Hospice panelists, and the people who made submissions on the Bill have had experience answer some of these questions for them, one way or another.

Because she was in a state where she could not communicate, Ann’s mother would not have been able to opt for assisted dying under this Bill. However, Ann finds it “duplicitous” that terminal sedation is permissible where assisted dying is not.

Terminal sedation and other types of passive euthanasia are often considered ethical because they aim to relieve suffering, rather than hasten death.

The Hospice NZ physicians felt that, morally, easing suffering while allowing someone to die naturally fell within their roles as doctors and nurses, whereas assisted dying “has nothing to do with medicine,” as Dr. Ian Gwynne-Robson of ANZSPM said.

Lecretia Seales had also answered those questions for herself in 2015. In her statement of claim, she spoke clearly about what lead her to her decisions: "I have lived my life as a fiercely independent and active person. I have always been very intellectually engaged with the world and my work. For me a slow and undignified death that does not reflect the life that I have led, would be a terrible way for my good life to have to end.

Ann disputed this distinction. “I wouldn’t call terminal sedation passive,” she stated, commenting that doctors have to realize that they might be hastening the end of life when they remove care. “I cannot for the life of me understand why the church and palliative care can condone a longer, drawn out death,” Ann explained further. “I find it extremely cruel. My mother died in her late 80s. What purpose did this serve, that last indignity done to her body? We need to do better.”

I want to be able to die with a sense of who I am and with a dignity and independence that represents the way I have always lived my life. I desperately want to be respected in my wish not to have to suffer unnecessarily at the end. I really want to be able to say goodbye well."

Ann finds the current Bill to be a safe step forward. She 28

Long River Healing It left.

Like the tide I’m so used to watching fill to the brim, then drain right down to the sand, it was slow at first, then I awoke, and it had gone.

Maybe sadness also follows the rule of 1/12s?

Let me rest here for a little while.

Please let it not drown me again when the tide comes in.

I know that the hardest part of it all was feeling as if he were in a small boat, rising and falling with every tide, gazing down at me over the side.

- Annie Cartwright

submit poems to poetry@salient.org.nz

Columns

PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS

VUWSA

MARLON DRAKE

CONNOR MACLEOD

What the fuck are letting fees? You may have seen this question around the university and it’s a darn good one. I’ve got an answer — letting fees are an absolute rip off.

Arts week is coming at y’all thanks to the amazing Comms and Events team at VUWSA, and I am very excited about it. I’m going to come right out and say that I am an Art History nerd. Without sounding like too much of a bougie fuckboi, art can enrich your life through opening your eyes to someone else’s perspective. An artist’s work speaks about their personal journey, their relationship to the world around them, and their history.

If you’re renting, chances are you’ve had to pay a letting fee whenever you’ve signed a new flat. A letting fee will often be one week’s rent, and some property managers even add GST on to that, despite them not actually providing you with goods or a service.

The reason property managers charge you a letting fee is to cover the costs of signing an agreement.

This is bullshit because those costs should be paid by the landlord, as it is the landlord who has hired the property manager to look after their property. The tenant should not be responsible for any property management related costs, as we are already paying for use of the property through rent.

I remember walking around the Musee D’Orsay in Paris with a friend who was living there at the time.

Walking through a museum is a completely different experience when you can understand the movements and the history behind the works. Everything I saw, I had studied at some point in my life, but I came across Manet’s Le Déjeuner sur l’herbe and I just started bawling. I have no idea why. I didn’t particularly like the work, nor do I like it now, but the emotional response to a work created 154 years before is why art is so amazing.

So if the property manager is providing the landlord a service, not you, then why would they ask you to pay a letting fee? I’ll let you be the judge of that, but earlier statement of “letting fees are an absolute rip off” might provide a helpful hint.

Now some works you can look at and ask if it is actually “art”, and I promise you that there will be some that you see at the Student Art Exhibition at MC 201 that will make you wonder. That’s the beauty of art though. We can debate until the cows come home about whether the umbrella which I am going to submit is art. However, through putting it in a different context, you can change its meaning and create something different.

We’ve lobbied against letting fees this year, along with many other organizations, and we’re really stoked that the Government has entered a bill to abolish letting fees. Despite this, we’re not over the line yet, and it’s important we follow up in the select committee process and ask for letting fees to be banned, and any property management related costs to paid for by the landlord. If you also want to see them gone, head to www.vuwsa.org.nz/rta and support our submission by filling out the form there. You’ll also be able to enter a competition to win a winter “Flat Pack”.

Will it sell? Probably not. But I’ll take comfort in the fact that Van Gogh sold only one work in his lifetime too. So at the moment I’m currently only one painting less than Van Gogh.

We’re ready to let go of letting fees — are you?

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To The Autono-Mobile! 2: Beyond Motordom On the evening of March 20 2018, Arizona resident Elaine Herzberg was crossing the street with her bicycle and was struck by an autonomous (self-driving) car. The car was owned and operated

by Uber, manned, but not “driven”, by one of their employees. Herzberg later died from her injuries in hospital. This incident marks the first ever pedestrian death by a self-driving car.

The first question posed in the aftermath is usually who to blame, but with self-driving cars there are even more middlemen to consider beyond just the pedestrian and the driver ( operator? occupant? car tamer?). These include the software developers of the car’s navigation system, and city councils that keep tabs on when and where autonomous cars are driven.

The reason Uber’s cars operate in Arizona at all is because San Francisco wouldn’t let them go out on the road without submitting safety data, and since Uber is notoriously resistant to oversight, they took themselves to Arizona, where laws are looser. As is unfortunately the rule with any developing technology, we have to make up for unforeseen consequences after the fact.

Even with the benefit of hindsight, the inception of the automobile was no different. The responsibilities of pedestrians, drivers, and manufacturers were all influenced by commercial concerns and changing social norms. Gas-powered vehicles first entered the American streets in 1896, initially as luxury items for the rich, but becoming more common with the introduction of the affordable Model T in 1908. Prior to vehicles, city roads were shared by all thoroughfare, such as horse-drawn carriages, vendor carts, and foot traffic. Pedestrians didn’t know how to react to cars, treating them as dangerous metallic intruders, and drivers had to learn how to use them on the fly, which led to several pedestrian collisions.

With 200,000 cars on the road by 1909, road customs had to be invented in quick succession. The first road code and road markings came in 1903, and the first traffic lights and stop signs followed in 1914. Since children regularly played in the street, road rules were taught to children in school by 1915, and as fines and manslaughter charges started to pile up from reckless drivers, the first traffic court was established in New York the following year.

By 1925, two-thirds of deaths in American cities were a result of auto collisions, as people could simply not get used to cars, and pedestrians began to turn against them for infringing on their right to the road. When car sales began to drop, former Ford executive James Couzens formed the corporate-run auto lobby “Motordom” alongside manufacturers, gas and rubber companies, and auto dealers, and began a campaign to turn blame for collisions onto the pedestrian. This was done in part by coining the derogatory term jaywalker, meaning “country bumpkin”, which caught on as an elitist jab at people who couldn’t jive with urban modernity. As printed car ads became a lucrative means of funding, newspaper publishers began to extol the virtues of the car and blame pedestrians who couldn’t get with the program.

Within a generation, cars ruled the streets, and collisions became an accepted consequence of city life.

The last time I wrote an autonomous car column, I analogised their trolley problem-esque ethical quandaries to the literalisation of an old writing adage: the good sci-fi writer invents the car, the great sci-fi writer invents the traffic jam. After March 20, we’ve crossed another threshold in our ongoing cyberpunk dystopia, and a thought experiment has gone from hypothetical to stark reality. What I wonder now is, who will I watch trying to talk their way out of a fine?

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Columns

SWAT

UNIQ: THE QUEER AGENDA

EMMA HRIBAR

JOHNNY O’HAGAN BREBNER

Time Management

UniQ Victoria is excited to officially announce VUW Pride Week 2018. The celebration of queer identity will be held in the second week of Trimester Two, with variety of events on all week.

The week runs from Monday 23 July to Saturday 28 July, with something on every day, on campus and around the city.

Events are still TBA, but not for long. Keep an eye out for posters, our social media, and other issues of Salient for updates and information.

The week will be hard to miss, with events designed to entertain, socialise, inform, and celebrate queer identities at VUW and around Wellington.

Our Salient Radio show, Sounds Gay!, will also feature special editions throughout the week. Check out our new social media for the show on Facebook (Sounds Gay FM) and Insta (@soundsgayfm).

We can’t wait to share the week with all of you.

UniQ will also be curating Pride Week’s themed Salient, “Queerlient”. We want to get a good quantity of quality queer content in, so let us know if you’re keen to contribute.

Submissions are open for queer themed features, opinion pieces, reviews, poetry, art, and other content.

But let us know as soon as possible, space is limited and we’ve already had some great submissions.

If you’d like to contribute, email uniqvictoria@ gmail.com, message us on Facebook, or slide into our DMs on Insta or Twitter (@uniqvictoria).

Pride is about community and identity. Help us celebrate it by getting stuck in; come to events, submit to Queerlient, and tell your loved ones.

We hope to see and hear our marvellous queer whānau making themselves known this Pride Week 2018.

Week 2 Tri 2, put it on your wall planner.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to manage my time this year, especially now that I’ve decided to take on another paper at university. For many of you, this may be the first time you have been given the freedom to spend your time however you want. Knowing that you are the one in charge of your spare hours, how do you choose to spend them? This is where planning ahead can become your best friend.

You may find that you will get more done if you can schedule out even just a few days of your week.

Somehow starting your assignment and finishing the first paragraph doesn’t seem like such a big commitment when you’ve put it into writing that you’ll begin on Tuesday. Smaller goals are easier to achieve than one large goal. Allowing yourself time between viewing your drafts of an assignment can give great insight into what you may have missed, but will also reveal the silly mistakes that you didn’t notice before.

More importantly, make sure you reward yourself after completing such a task.

Planning your week out doesn’t have to be completely uni focused either; you can schedule in activities that make you feel good. It’s important that you do schedule these things into your agenda, as when we are stressed we often forget that we still need to care for ourselves as well. Walk a dog, read a book, or (my personal favourite) make a big bowl of pasta and catch up on the latest episode of Married at First Sight. I think the key here is balance. Finding that balance is hard, but I found the best tool was to plan a few days a week and stick to that plan. Everything else will fall into place.

Yours queerly, Johnny O’Hagan Brebner UniQ Communications Officer

32

Columns

THE "F" WORD

PSC: ONE OCEAN

SARAH ABELE-JACKSTIES

LAURA TOAILOA

Let Me Be Ugly

It’s graduation week! And I’m inspired by Mary Smich’s column “Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young” (which Baz Luhrmann adapted into “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)”) to release my inner graduation speaker. In my long 2 years of being a non-student, I feel I’m at a good place to pass on my pearls of wisdom: If you’re doing a degree without a clear career pathway attached to it, you have to network. I’m guessing networking is useful for any industry, but it’s especially important for us Arts kids. “Networking” as an intentional activity feels disingenuous: forming strategic connections, rather than letting it be the byproduct of genuinely being interested in and engaging with people.

Along the way in my four years at uni, I met people that made my life richer by showing me different ways of living and thinking, and listening to my life and thoughts with equal intrigue. And then they’ve known people who know people who’ve seen my work and have passed my name onto other people etc.

I don’t know how helpful or inspiring that was...

I’m never going to be a graduate speaker at this rate.

Hmmm, how about this classic: University isn’t right for everybody.

There are a lot of circumstances that I can’t relate to or understand, which means that being here isn’t the way to create the future that fits your needs. It was an easy enough choice for me. My brain worked well enough in the way uni required, and my personal interests lie here. So it fit for me. But be critically honest about what you need. For a lot of us, it’s less of luxury and more of a necessity to climb out of our low socio-economic realities.

If you can’t afford to drop out, gird your loins, use as many support services your student levy will fund, force yourself to attend classes and study groups, and find effective de-stressers (esp if they come without a hangover). Struggling alone tends to make the pain more embarrassing, because it seems everyone else is handling it better. So find people to struggle with. Find them and thrive, together. So I guess my advice is to network. Or rather, make friends.

The body positivity movement is an incredible campaign to help people all around the world feel that their body is beautiful too. The movement has achieved some incredible things for so many people, but at the same time, it has its issues. Body positivity can feel disingenuous for plenty of people, who simply don’t connect with the movement’s message when every social media outlet and magazine in the world is reinforcing the same stereotypical ideal of what beauty is.

Without greater representation of different kinds of people on a much larger scale (and not just one token “different” person), most individuals continue to feel disconnected from beauty as a concept. Furthermore, some argue that the body positivity movement implies an inherent connection between people’s sense of selfworth and how they feel about their body.

Jameela Jamil, of The Good Place fame, instigated the “I Weigh” movement in March of this year to counteract this idea, encouraging her followers to send in photos of themselves and what they “weighed” — not in kilos, but in life experiences. The hundreds of responses included people whose “weights” were comprised of family members, happy marriages, battles with eating disorders, depression, and a sense of gratitude for the fact that there was a way for them to express that they were worthy of love and respect as human beings, whether or not they felt beautiful. The fact of the matter is people are ugly. They’re grumpy, and dirty, and some of them hate the way they look. But at the end of the day they’re people, and whatever they or anyone else thinks of their body isn’t going to change that.

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Columns

NT: TE ARA TAUIRA

ASK THE ADVOCATE

TE NIA MATTHEWS

ELLEN LEGG

At the start of 2018, New Zealand’s political climate has seen a Māori man, Simon Bridges, become the very first Māori person to become leader of the National political party. Throughout Simon Bridges’ career as a politician, his Māori identity has been challenged numerous times, with conversations about his identity being reduced to a conversation about blood quantum, and what percentage Māori he is.

I was sick off work last week for 2 days, and my boss is hesitant to give me sick pay and asked for a medical certificate to show that I really was ill. Is she allowed to do this? Then, when I looked on my payslip, my sick days aren’t even recorded so I’m not sure how many I’m allowed to take.

Yours, Ill Bill.

Simon Bridges has said his identity is “fundamentally simple”, explaining that he has whakapapa Māori (Māori ancestry) and that should be where the conversation ends. However, academics such as Chris Weedon argue that how someone is seen visually is not for the individual to define, rather it is determined by the history of how we perceive people, especially people of colour.

This ability for another to define an individual is not something that is new to the 21st century — it has its roots in the development of Western culture. It comes from the idea that a white person is the exemplary human, and others are defined against their unmarked norm. This idea of white supremacy has reached New Zealand society through colonial expansion.

Because of this prejudice within Western societies, people of colour seeking to reclaim their identity create what French philosopher Foucault labels as “reverse discourses”, which are discourses constructed against the dominant discourse.

For Simon Bridges, this reverse discourse allows him to claim his identity as a Māori and not let himself be defined as strictly his blood quantum. His identity is something for him, not white subjectivity, to define.

Hi Bill, If you’ve worked there for 6 months, you are allowed 5 days of sick leave. You then get 5 more days every 12 months, which can accumulate to up to 20 days. Even if you only go home after working half a day, this still counts as using up one sick day, unless you agree otherwise with your employer. Obviously, sick leave only covers a day when you would have been working.

If you’ve run out of sick leave, you can ask to use up annual holiday leave instead. Unlike holiday pay, sick leave isn’t paid out at the end of employment.

Let your employer know as soon as you realise that you won’t be able to work.

If you are sick for less than three days, your employer can ask for a medical certificate but they will have to cover the cost of your visit to the doctor to get one. If you are sick for three or more days (including a three-day period with a scheduled break), your employer can ask for a certificate which you have to pay for. If you don’t give them any proof that you were sick, you might not get paid out for sick leave.

Your employment contract might also contain more or different terms, and outline the company policy on sick leave, but this can’t take away your basic rights.

Your employer must keep a record of your sick days, wages, etc., and if they don’t do so they are liable for a fine of $1,000 issued by a labour inspector or the Employment Relations Authority. Ask them where they keep their records, and if nothing else, make sure that you keep track yourself.

Feel better soon!

34

IN OUR DANICA SOICH A Robot Grew my Dinner My dad is a farmer up North. To farm, he uses a blue Yamaha quad, and dog named Jack rides on the back. Before the invention of the combustion engine, bullocks would have drawn a plow across the doughy paddock. And before that, it was bush. You can trace the history of the farm like the curve of the hills.

However, the future of the farm is harder to discern.

By mid-century, the world will be home to as many as 10 billion people — 2 billion more mouths to feed than at present. Farmers in the next four decades will have to grow more food than all farmers throughout history have harvested over the past 8,000 years.

Farming is paradoxical in that it is necessary to sustain our existence, yet also threatens it. Global agriculture is among the greatest contributors to climate change, producing more carbon dioxide emissions than cars, trucks, trains, and airplanes put together. It guzzles our precious water supplies, with 70% of our fresh blue gold pouring into it.

Where the great foot of agriculture treads, there is destruction of habitat and species loss. Overzealous dousing of insecticides has caused “dead zones” and toxic pollution. Loss of top soil, erosion, and labour exploitation are also symptoms. As things stand, the planet cannot sustain our appetite for much longer.

But a person’s gotta eat. So how will we produce more food with fewer resources?

The future is bright, beeping, and automated.

Precision farming systems are beginning to roll out globally, resembling science fiction scenes instead of pastoral postcards.

Out in the field of a near-future conglomerate, fleets of small driverless tractors crawl across a monoculture sea of wheat. Using sensors, their robotic arms zap out fertilizers and pesticides throughout the night. Drones swarm overhead, assessing crop health and sending photos back to the farmer. Sensors in the

soil and in the water collect information on nutrients, triggering fertilizer shots. In the cowshed, which spans the length of several soccer fields, the entire herd sports the latest Fitbit. These collars track movement, internal body temperature, cud chewing, and when the cow is ready for insemination.

The myriad of farmyard data gathers in the Cloud.

Information technology recognises that farming is essentially a form of matrix algebra. A variety of complex factors must be taken into account and balanced to yield highest output. Through information technology we can control these factors to exploit the soil and optimize harvests, using less resources to do so. An alert buzzes on Old McDonald’s smartphone, who taps back in real time to check in on the herd.

In Japan, factory farms are stacked upwards in hydroponic skyscrapers. The entire farming process is automated, from seedling to harvest. Thousands of lettuce heads bask in an eerie LED light powered from sustainable sources. Water dribbling through the soil is recycled. Robots zip along checking ripeness, harvesting, and packaging. Free from outdoor vagaries, there is not a caterpillar in sight. This enterprise produces 30,000 perfect lettuces each day.

A future farmer may never set a gumboot in the paddock, or examine a lettuce in the flesh.

Call me rural, but there is something special about boots-on-the-ground farming. The relationship between farmer and land is one of the oldest in existence, with the first farms sprouting in 9000 BC. Moving forward in agriculture, we must reap from the past. We must use technology to deepen our relationship with the land and better understand her needs. Respect the land as a complex ecosystem, encourage diversity, farm organically, and learn when to let her rest. In a word; kaitiakitanga. If we treat the planet right, she’ll return the favour. If not, the future will be bleak.

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MUSIC SYNTHPOP WITH VIRTUAL VICE & HYBRID ROSE REVIEW: SONYA ISHIMNIKOVA

Modern pop music has evolved dramatically since the turn of the century, and don’t we know it! We can all recall the Spice Girls and NSync in their heyday as the pop kings and queens of MTV. A decade before them though, were musical innovators Eurythmics and Duran Duran, whose sound was something so contemporary that it completely changed the way that pop developed, and even to this day lays the foundation for up and coming electro-pop artists all over the world, and in New Zealand.

sounds as demonstrated in her songs “Mermaid Lovers” and “Mr. Blue Sky”. Hybrid Rose is doing it damn fine!

At the centre of these artists is one very important thing — the synth.

Hybrid Rose and Virtual Vice use the modular instrument to its full potential to evoke crazy scopes of emotion, ones which you didn’t even know you could recall from eras where your parents were rebellious teens wearing recently-made-fashionable Levi jeans.

They create soundscapes of ethereal pads and sharp saws, pulling you into a world of discos and laser lights while you’re swaying from left to right in the middle of a crowded dance floor. Now, who’s ready to dip their toes into a warm pool of nostalgia?

One of these artists is Virtual Vice, a music producer and composer based in Auckland. His first EP, Sanctuary Runner, slam dunks you straight into those shimmering prom night moods with his first track “Black Rose”. The classic preppy synth notes mixed with punchy toms draws on both the old school and modern electronic music made popular by artists like M83 and Chromatics. With album art that evokes everything retro, Virtual Vice is an electro-pop force to be reckoned with. Keep an eye out for this guy as he woos you with his wistful synth wave tunes and glistening hooks.

A bit closer to home is up and coming artist Hybrid Rose, Wellington’s very own electro-pop producer.

Rose Valentina is the creator of a playful mix of songs starting from her first release, VIDEO GAMES. The energetic track says grab your Nintendo and immerse yourself in the world of nostalgic games and pixelated wonder — the perfect electronic homage to those forgotten times in front of a square hunk of a TV as a kid.

Valentina's full-length album COSMIC, released in April of last year, draws on a mix of modern pop artists such as Grimes and Kimbra, all the while paying tribute to that classic new wave sound present in songs like Forever Young by Alphaville. She does an amazing job of building tension, starting you off nice and gentle with minimal percussion, eventually dropping you into a carefully crafted mix of layered 36

MUSIC THIS IS NOT A MUSIC REVIEW REVIEW: IDEATE

?

?

Is this the end? Have we reached a colossal moment of oversaturation where nothing created has the capacity to sound truly individualised? Objects are only recognised in tandem with other objects, and without the former, we have neither. We can only identify space not through its appearance, but through the filling of the gaps.

But maybe perception through comparison is the only avenue available to us, or certainly the most convenient. If we can only define objects by other objects, then we must first have knowledge of the first object to possess an understanding of the second.

If you start with an artist’s most recent album, and ignore everything before, are you a moron? Probably.

If we cannot perceive anything in isolation, what does that mean for your personal musical narrative?

Possibly my review simply adds to the mathematical algorithm of ticks and crosses that makes up what is and isn’t music. How could you simply decide what

Enid Blyton Ursula K. Le Guin Diana Wynne Jones Shirley Jackson Mary Shelley Lionel Shriver Dorothy Parker Madeleine L’Engle Hannah Arendt Angela Davis Beverly Cleary Sheri Tepper Jenny Lawson

Kelly Sue Deconnick Emma Thompson Amy Wallace Melissa Matheson Erma Bombeck Mallory Ortberg Pauline Kael Clarice Lispector Beatrix Potter Jodi Picoult Hilary Mantel Joyce Carol Oats Audre Lorde

• Read more women.

Roxane Gay Rebecca Solnit Sylvia Plath Zadie Smith Toni Morrison Mary Shelley Alice Walker Gertrude Stein Harper Lee Elizabeth Gilbert Carol J. Adams Maya Angelou Valeria Luiselli

taste is, and present that in any format to anyone and assume your opinion has any discretion over someone else’s thoughts and emotions? If I give something a bad review, will you listen to it to see just how bad, the same as if I’d given it a good review? What does the power of suggestion mean in an age when everything is simply a repetition of works before it, simply chopped and screwed just right to distinguish it from its predecessor?

Nothing is bad or good in music, it simply is. Scores mean nothing. When we begin to understand this, a deeper appreciation of the beauty but also the end of music can be attained.

How could I rate my interaction with you? My Uber rating is 4.97, does that mean I’m mostly a good person and approachable? I still lie awake thinking about that fucker that gave me a 4. Hopefully Janelle Monàe would be happy with an 4.2.

Emily Brontë Doris Lessing Eleanor Catton Maxine Beneba Clarke Jenny Zhang Donna Tartt George Eliot Isabel Allende Miranda July Mary Oliver Jhumpa Lahiri Helen Garner

Emma Donoghue Arundhuti Roy Joan Didion Jesmyn Ward Annie Proulx Mary Beard Amy Tan Alice Munro Simone de Beauvior Charlotte Brontë J. K. Rowling Margaret Atwood Anaïs Nin

Rachel Carson Katherine Mansfield Susan Sontag Jane Austen Iris Murdoch Angela Carter Kathy Acker Virginia Woolf Elena Ferrante Fleur Adcock Samanta Schweblin Adrienne Rich Gloria Steinem

vicbooks.co.nz

ART ON THE PROLIFERATION OF JEWELLERY EXHIBITIONS REVIEW: JANE WALLACE

There’s something about the climate we live in that has caused a sprouting of contemporary jewellery exhibitions. It is often easy to detect trends in contemporary art practice and decode the conditions that have led to their proliferation. From the end of last year until the present, we have seen The Language of Things, currently on at The Dowse; I want to go to my bedroom but I can’t be bothered, of Lisa Walker’s work, at Te Papa Tongarewa; Hamish McKay with Lisa Walker, Karl Fritsch and Jan van der Ploeg; the Handshake series of events.

but it is also true. Instead of making the personal political, the political is made personal.

In Hal Foster’s notes for Bad New Days, he recognises that the question we are asking about art now is “how does it affect me?” If the Big Question that we are challenging art with is such an individual one, it makes sense to respond to it in the equally individualised forms of jewellery: rings, necklaces, which should be worn and contemplated discreetly. To add further specificity to the resurgence of jewellery exhibitions, the illogical and absurd has lifted its head too. Lisa Walker’s necklace made of stuffed ducklings is a good example of this. The necklace is essentially wearable, in that it is able to be worn around the neck, but the grotesque choice of stuffed ducklings definitely negates this. Thus, we have these objects which present as jewellery, which are for the body, which have been confused by their use of materials that are repulsive to have near the body, or which the body cannot manage. And so, the increasing prominence of jewellery in exhibitions is acting as a reminder that, in our individual confrontations with the global, an artistic medium can be just as confused as we are.

Object making is often used to find form for something that cannot exist in a state rendered by the human body — something that our actions can’t convey in performance, that our language is fallible at articulating. However, it has become less important in contemporary art. The absence of an object in favour of occupying a particular time and space is something that artists turned to more frequently.

The rise in exhibitions of jewellery seems like a very specific return to the object. The act of making something tangible can be linked to processes of ritual and healing, a way to unlearn and to relearn, and to produce a physical thing which can share the labour that has been put into it.

Jewellery is not a traditional medium to work in; it doesn’t quite fit alongside painting or sculpture or photography. It is simplistic to say that art, in a very broad sense, is functionless (“art for art’s sake!”). This can be dismantled, but presenting jewellery as art transgresses this already, as there is an existing and discernible function of jewellery. There is an intimacy to it too, intended to be worn so close to the body, often given as a sign of emotional connection. In this way, jewellery can compress a complex concern or thought into a very personal object. This shift towards jewellery in current exhibition trends suggests that what we are grappling with is impossible to untangle in its full and complete scale; it seems predictable to say that the global sociopolitical climate is troubling, 38

BOOKS BEST NEW ZEALAND POEMS 2017 REVIEW: ALEX FEINSON

Compiled by New Zealand’s Poet Laureate, Selina Tusitala Marsh, Best New Zealand Poems 2017 is an impressive collection that showcases the brilliance and extraordinary talent of 25 of New Zealand’s leading and emerging poets.

Chris Tse’s “Like a queen” and Louise Wallace’s “Ahakoa he iti he pounamu | it is small it is greenstone” are both brilliant poems from two of New Zealand’s leading poets, and each is a showcase of their brilliance and significance in the contemporary poetry scene.

While each poem is compelling and interesting, I have selected a few of the standout works to review.

Gregory Kan’s poem “There is a house that we are in” is an absolute highlight and was my favourite poem in the collection. The poem is subtle yet expressive, as the feelings of passion and yearning between the two figures are so compelling and believable. Kan’s poem also has one of my favourite lines from the entire collection: “Where we fall to the bottom of our seventeenth century bodies.”

Liz Breslin’s cut-and-paste found poem, “The Lifestyle Creed”, is a wonderful subversive satire. She has conflated organised religion with the cultural religion of health and wellbeing, with the words taken from the Catholic Nicene Creed and nutritional advice from an Alzheimer's blog.

Another excellent poem is Jiaquio Liu’s “With Love”, which focuses on their struggle with religious education and fighting to find your identity outside this structure. This personally relatable poem feels completely refreshing, as the jarring line breaks and their impressive use and re-use of words and motifs feel modern and unique compared to some of the other poems in the collection.

With the collection being published online, there are also some audio recordings of the poets reading their poems. This added another dynamic to the overall reading experience, as the text on screen was more alive — you are able to hear the inflections, pauses, emphasis, and emotions behind the written words.

There were some poems in this collection that were not to my taste, as I have always struggled to enjoy longer poems (largely due to a very short attention span).

However, they were still enjoyable to read.

As a fan of her work before reading Best New Zealand Poems 2017, Hannah Mettner’s “All Tall Women” is a great edition to the collection. This poem has some of my favourite lines: “I stood in the back row for class photos, with the boys. Mum was always proud of this. As though all tall women are feminists.”

Very relatable to this 5’10” lass.

The Best New Zealand Poems collections are always a treat to read, and highlight the majesty of the poetry scene in New Zealand, from the well-established power houses to the budding up-and-comers about to take the poetry world by storm. The 2017 collection is no exception, as it is a brilliant mixture of personal stories, dark humour, and an interesting and complex exploration of human emotion. I thoroughly enjoyed reading works from poets I already knew, as well as being introduced to new poets that I instantly loved and will read in the future.

One of the more exciting poets on the rise is Emma Shi, and her poem “skipping dead insects across the ocean” is a raw and heartbreaking representation of the repression of the spirit. There is a great sense of tragedy when the poem ends and there has been no sense of escape or freedom.

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TELEVISION A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS (2017 — 2018) REVIEW: EMMA MAGUIRE

The Great TV/Film Swapaganza Hey, I’m Emma, I’m here on a holiday from the film section for this issue. You’ll find your usual commentators across in the film section, and your regular scheduled programming will return next week.

of actors also delight, with the Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender and the Hook-Handed Man being a couple of my favourites.

Our child stars also do not disappoint. Malina Weissman (Violet) and Louis Hynes (Klaus) are incredibly strong in their roles, considering how long they’ve been in the game. They’re endearing and inquisitive, and you can’t help but feel sorry for them.

“This show will wreck your evening, your home life, and your day. Every single episode is nothing but dismay. Look away.”

Netflix’s A Series of Unfortunate Events is a welcome absurdist respite in a world of shows that just make far too much temporal sense.

This show has eight episodes per season and every two episodes is used to cover one of the books. I think this is a great decision, as it allows us to get entrenched in these new, weird locales, and it stops the writers from cutting too much from each book to fit it into one episode. My favourite episode(/s) so far have been The Miserable Mill (Part One and Two). The Baudelaires get taken to a mill and put to work. Count Olaf reunites with his ex-girlfriend, Georgina Orwell, who is the town’s optometrist, and then masquerades as her secretary, Shirley (yes, Neil Patrick Harris does full drag and it is phenomenal), to try and steal the Baudelaires’ fortune.

Lemony Snicket’s mad oeuvre has finally been given the remake it deserves and I am loving it. The three Baudelaire children — Violet, Klaus, and Sunny — lose their parents in a house fire. As they’re passed around from guardian to guardian, an evil actor called Count Olaf tries to trick their caretakers into giving him the children, so he can murder them and steal their fortune.

It’s a dark premise for what is, in all accounts, a pretty funny show.

There’s hypnotism, a well-known Kiwi actor with a particularly heavy accent, lots of foe-yay, and far too many situations that children shouldn’t be put into.

Seriously, any health and safety professional would have a coronary.

What time period are we in? Who knows! Sometimes there are horse-drawn carriages, but Count Olaf also talks about Netflix, so it could be far in the future, or in a past where we invented streaming television many years too early.

A Series of Unfortunate Events might be utterly bonkers, but it is definitely worth watching. Seasons one and two are airing on Netflix currently, with a final season or two coming in the next year.

The novels of ASOUE are a damn good read — a tad tangential, a tad lovelorn — but the television show finds the perfect balance between comedy and tragedy, making us feel bad for the orphans but also wanting to see more of Count Olaf’s maniacal plots.

Count Olaf, a failing actor, is played by the wonderful Neil Patrick Harris, who brings a bizarre joy to the piece, spending a ton of time singing and dancing, as well as dressing up in absurd costumes. His troupe 40

FILM CLOVERFIELD PARADOX REVIEW: CONALL AIRD AND GEORGE BULLEID

For a moment, it was refreshing to be spared from a trailer for a teaser trailer for a full-length theatrical trailer, only to realise that JJ Abrams had pulled a fast one on us.

this, as he threw the film to Netflix to gain a far safer distribution deal and avoid what would have been a far costlier marketing campaign and likely a poor box office performance. The film’s intrigue was twofold: firstly, in its mystery, and secondly, in the fact that the mystery could be immediately uncovered. Yet, because the film wasn’t good, this type of marketing campaign makes us feel like we’ve been tricked and cheated into watching something we otherwise wouldn’t, rather than it being some ground-breaking reveal.

In what was arguably a pretty game-changing marketing move, and only possible given Netflix’s accessibility, viewers of this year’s Super Bowl were given a 32 second teaser for the third instalment of the Cloverfield series, The Cloverfield Paradox. Not only that, but the audience were advised that the film would be available online in its entirety immediately after the game had finished. Apart from this effective piece of marketing, the movie had no other coverage and was kept largely under wraps. So to see a teaser for this unknown film, with a decent cast, interesting look and a solid franchise backing it, got us pretty excited. But it made no sense that this visually-intriguing sci-fi film wasn’t heading to the cinema like its predecessors.

Unless of course, the film was bad. Which it was.

Compelling visuals and sound give Paradox a few real moments of tension, sometimes evoking feelings of classic horror (even if entirely lifted from better films). But we aren't watching this at The Embassy. No, we're watching this at 90 degrees in bed at 11pm on a MacBook Pro with flux on. These moments are most likely squandered by your piss poor home theatre setup and you’d be a fool to think you’d get the same cinema experience — though really, you shouldn’t aim to experience it at all.

In the end, The Cloverfield Paradox was a slapped together, baffling, poorly written sci-fi flick, that was ultimately a shadow of a series of much better films. It added little to the world in which these Cloverfield movies are set, and served to further confuse audiences as to how exactly the monsters (or whatever they are) ended up on Earth. To avoid once again getting angry and confused about this movie, and having to field questions from each other like “do you know what’s going on?” and “what are we even going to write about?”, we’ve decided not to go into plot-specifics. But as the film descended more and more into madness and we started to zone out, it gave us a chance to reflect on why this film was flying Netflix’s banner.

The idea seemingly underpinning the film’s short and sweet marketing campaign was that Paradox was the movie we didn’t know we needed until we were told we needed it. In reality though, no one really needs this film; producer JJ Abrams clearly realised 41

THEATRE GLENNRIDGE SECONDARY COLLEGE AUNTY DONNA REVIEW: OLIVIA PHILIP

This Australian comedy trio are so absolutely stupid, it’s funnier than you’d expect.

Wife. You Won’t Believe What Happens Next… and Two People Wear the Same Tie to Work). Seeing them live adds hype, and they save their best stuff for the live shows, so it’s a rewarding experience for someone who stays on track with all their content.

Having gone to their tour show in the 2017 Comedy Fest, seeing Aunty Donna for the second time was something I had been looking forward to for a while, and the pre-tour release of their album Glennridge Secondary College only added to the hype. Bangers such as Best Day of My Life, Chuffed, and the eleven seconds long Sometimes I Struggle to Finish Projects line their Spotify profile, along with their regularly updated podcast.

This show was fantastic, but it doesn’t get a perfect review. There was a moment in the middle, in which I found myself zoning out, but it was short-lived. When another skit started they had me cackling with the best of ‘em.

The guys themselves are awesome, and take the time to meet and greet everyone who can be bothered waiting in line at the end. They’ll make jokes, take a picture, and thank you for coming, and you can tell they mean it. They’re comedians, they’ll take what they can get.

The show was a compilation of all things high school that no-one enjoyed while there, but are hilarious when you no longer have to experience them every day. An example is a skit that consisted of Broden Kelly (aka Man Beast) standing stone faced in front of the audience, waiting for absolute silence, as would your deputy principal in any typical assembly.

Lines were thrown at the audience such as “find your respect” and “it’s your lunchtime”. The simple genius of the act had the entire audience in tears laughing at a grown man looking incredibly grumpy.

The trio makes a certain amount of effort with their shows in coming to New Zealand to reference local culture. One of the best received jokes of the evening was a long-drawn out roll call. “Man from Wellington” was responded to with a short beat poem about art and culture, and how “Wellington truly is New Zealand’s Melbourne”. The next name on the roll call was “Man from Wellington, when we’re in Auckland”. The reply was the ever so articulate “I’m a c**t!”.

Aunty Donna is comedy that draws from the absurd, and is satisfying for those who enjoy suspending their own disbelief for the sake of a silly punchline. I get a real kick out of their shows. However, I find most of their YouTube content arduous and not that fun (with a few exceptions, namely Man Grieves Over Dead 42

PODCAST S-TOWN REVIEW: HANNAH PATTERSON

S-Town began the way I thought it would: small, conservative town in America, rumours swirling that a violent murder has been covered up, and the trusty, every-man narrator, Brian Reed from This American Life, there to lead you through the fray. As an avid Serial fan, I had high expectations and high scepticism of the plethora of true-crime-investigative-journalism podcasts that had sprung up in the wake of Serial’s success.

his story to be told this way, but we will never know, because he was never asked.

I couldn’t help but think about the ethics of putting such intimate details of a person’s life on show without their consent. Is it really right to place such sensitive details on display for the world to see? For people to consume as pure entertainment? To attract listeners to a podcast that makes money off advertisements?

Should the life of a person, who was private and clearly struggled with depression and his sexuality, be made into a narrative — the most shocking parts of their life used as cliffhangers in a story? Honestly, I don’t think so.

But as I began episode one I found my concerns fading. I was hooked. S-Town, which I had doubted so intensely, had captured my attention.The story begins with a man called John B. McLemore contacting journalist Brian Reed and asking that he investigate the “crummy little shit-town” he lives in, in which he believes a man has gotten away with murder.

According to McLemore, Woodstock, Alabama is rife with poverty, police corruption, climate-change denial, and child molesters. Listeners become familiar with McLemore from the very start, hearing his thoughts and opinions as he shares them over the phone to Reed. McLemore is certainly an eccentric, prone to long rants lamenting the terrible state of the world. In one of his rants he famously says, “we ain’t nothin' but a nation o' goddamn chicken shit, horse shit, tattletale, pissy-ass, whiny, fat, flabby, out-o'-shape, Facebooklookin', damn.. twerkfest... Ya know, Mr. Putin, please show some fuckin' mercy. I mean come on, drop a fuckin' bomb, won’t you?”

In writing this, a comment made about Serial several years ago came to mind. It was something the brother of Hae Min Lee (whose murder was the subject of Serial) said: “to me it’s real life. To you listeners, it’s another murder mystery, crime drama, another episode of CSI… I pray that you don’t have to go through what we went through and have your story blasted to 5 million listeners.”

There is something about true crime stories that trigger our morbid curiosity. We want to hear things that will shock us, even better if it is something real. I get it.

I listened to Serial and S-Town and they are riveting stories. McLemore was a fascinating, funny, smart, and troubled individual — he was quite a character, and Reed knew this would make a good story. Except now, after S-Town, a character is all John B. McLemore is, and all he gets to be.

In episodes three to eight, the focus of the podcast shifts away from the alleged murder, and Reed begins an intense, deeply intimate scrutinisation of McLemore’s life. His sexuality and sexual history, his struggle with depression and self-harm and the family disputes over his estate are delved into with a thoroughness so unabashed it was disturbing. Reed frequently encourages both the people he interviews and the listeners to speculate on the specifics of McLemore’s sexuality and relationship history. I found myself wondering if McLemore would have wanted 43

FOOD OLD FASHIONED SCONES RECIPE: TOM HALL

Strangely enough, some of my earliest memories are of making scones in preschool.

Plain scones are a great with jam and cream or butter, but with a couple of changes there’s a big variety in flavor that you can explore. With sweet scones, to make the texture light and fluffy, my nana’s tip is using yogurt instead of milk. Adding cinnamon, nutmeg, and brown sugar in the dry stage will make them taste like donuts. Dried fruit like dates and sultanas goes really well, and it cuts out the added sugar. This sounds weird, but a can of lemonade instead of the milk gives it a tasty tang.

Whether it was a deep state plot to brainwash some colonialist heritage into toddlers or an exercise in following recipes, I did love getting my grubby fingers into the mixing bowl. From the uber traditional “plainwith-jam-and-cream” to the overpriced Welly coffee shop cheese scone, this pastry does a lot of heavy lifting for our collective diets. It doesn’t help that they’re probably the easiest thing you could whip up for afternoon tea if the toasted sandwich maker is broken. (PS. if you say it like scown, you’re not making your parents proud).

Cheese scones are extremely straightforward; add grated cheese (sorry Wellington coffee shops who should be embarrassed for charging more than $5).

Though, if you wanna mess with perfection, add a pinch of cayenne pepper, which will give it a kick.

Most fresh herbs would work well in a cheese scone, especially rosemary and parsley. Spinach and feta is another great combination.

Ingedients 360g flour — $0.30 25g baking powder — $0.20 A pinch of salt — <$0.10 A bit more than a cup of milk — $1.00 75g of butter — $0.80 Start by cubing the butter and putting it to the side while you weigh out the dry ingredients. By cutting it up and leaving it out of the fridge, it should soften and make it easier to rub into the flour later on. Mix the flour, baking powder, and salt together in a bowl evenly. When the butter is soft enough to squish, dump it in the dry mix and start pinching the butter into the mix. You could consider washing your hands first, but in the looming antibiotic crisis, I suspect we’ll all need a bit of bacterial resistance. Eventually the mix should start to crumble, and the butter should look evenly distributed. This is a good point to shake up the recipe, I’ll go into detail with a couple of combinations below.

Add your milk into the mixture and mix it into a dough, before turning it onto a floured bench. If you have to fold it and move it around, be careful; kneading scones too much will turn them into bricks. Flatten the blob of dough out to about an inch thick and divide it into 5cm x 5cm squares. Grease a baking tray and bake the scones at 220 until they turn golden.

44

Aries (March 21 - Apr 19) Tequila is always a mistake. Always.

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22) Maybe it's time to make use of that gym subscription you bought at the start of the year for the “new you”.

Just a suggestion?

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) Throw away those socks that are more hole than sock — “if you can see toe, it gotta go.”

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) Having sex in shared spaces is not hygienic. Think of your poor flatmates.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Maccas is always a good idea. Unless you care about your health.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Time to say yes to that pet you want to smuggle into your flat. Sure you’re not allowed it but who could say no to that adorable face.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Skipping lectures seems like a good idea for you and your hangover, but it’s a slippery slope to Cs.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Using txt talk is nvr kwl, nvr. Nbdy nos wot u meen.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) Time to get checked down there. Nothing sexier than being clean, and may as well take advantage of free student health services.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Top-tip for procrastination: Go skinny-dipping in the harbour! Not only will it distract you in the moment, it’ll be so cold you’ll be sick for the next week. Hello Netflix in bed.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22) Don’t be afraid to pop those moves when your jam comes on. No matter where you are, live your life.

Own it, you bad (gender neutral) bitch.

Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20) Don’t let assignments get you down, instead, think of the crippling fact that our planet is dying, all thanks to us :)

LARRIKINS

Horoscope by Ashley Parker, Larrikins by Anton Huggard, Sudoku by Nathan Hotter, Crossword by Corey Fuimaono, Boggle by Kendall Grace

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SUDOKU

CROSSWORD: FAMOUS NEW ZEALAND "LEGENDS"

FUN

LITERAL MURDER

BOGGLE Create as many words as you can by linking letters diagonally, vertically and horizontally.

N

E

T

T

H

O

G

E

F

R

E

X

W

B

H

M

ACROSS 1 Smaller amount of (4) 2 Da Bible: Beheaded by Harod the Great (4) 3 Oxford; argued: We’re nuke free, bitches! (5) 6 Da Bible: A shepherd (5) 7 Our most famous merino, ever. (5) 9 Song-wise, people always fought it; it always won. (3) 10 22A made this a national fashion icon in ’94. (7) 13/14 Sung in the 80s, wondering: Who was walking behind Maxine?

(6, 6) 16 Name shared by a Heavenly Creature & a current kiwi comedian. (7) 2D/19 See 2D for clue.

7D/21 See 7D for clue.

22 6A’s dad arguably shot the family unit. (4) 23 Her last name. Think netball & SA. (6) 24/11D 1983. A prince, a NZ Lawn, and this. (5, 3)

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DOWN 1 Our musically-sound saviour. (5) 2/19A Pissed on the field during a rugby match. (5, 7) 4 Ex-rugby 2A: helped many out through a series of ads on depression (6) 5 Basketball & shotput; all in one family.

(5) 7/21A Fabulously Gay, previous Good Morning host. (5, 4) 8 2A: “Marrrrrvellous!” (8) 12 Made the nation laugh. Taken by Maori family after dying. (5) 15 Before “EML”, hung out with Havoc.

(7) 17 A powerful 9A/1A warrior. (4) 20/18 One News, 2003: Cumburger Man. (3, 6)

LAST WEEK'S ANSWERS ACROSS: 4: ONION 5: CHIPS 11: KAPITI 12: FISH 14: MARMITE 16: PIE 18: PAVLOVA 19: SIZZLE 22: CAKE 23: APPLE 24: LOLLY

DOWN: 1: MINCE 2: AND 3: BAIT 6: SLAB 7: FRITTER 8: CRISPS 9: DIP 10: WHITE 13: SAUSAGE 15: MUSSELS 16: PEANUT 17: POTATO 20: LUMPS

THE PEOPLE TO BLAME

Editor Louise Lin Designer/Illustrator Ruby Ash News Editor Sasha Beattie Sub Editor Sally Harper Distributor Danica Soich Chief News Reporter Angus Shaw Feature Writers Alexander Walker Sandy Cheeks Hannah Patterson Faun Rice Section Editors Conall Aird & George Bulleid (TV) Josh Ellery (Music) Alex Feinson (Books) Hannah Patterson (Podcast) Emma Maguire (Film) Jane Wallace (Arts) Tom Hall (Food) James Brown (Poetry) Emilie Hope (Theatre) Centrefold Sasha Beattie @nicehaah

News Writers Laura Sutherland, Tori Bright, Thomas Campbell, Calum Steele, Kellen Farmer, Liam Powell, Kii Small, Vita Molyneux, Shanti Mathias Contributors Lilli Street, Danica Soich, Marlon Drake, Regan Sword, Laura Toailoa, Gus Mitchell, Alexander Walker, Hannah Hawkins Elder, Erin Page, Paddy Miller, Amy Stimson, Ashley Parker, Anton Huggard, Nathan Hotter, Joanna Li, Nina Dyer, Tom White, Puck, Zoe Gillett FM Station Managers Kii Small & Jazz Kane TV Producers Elise Lanigan & Lauren Spring Social Media fb.com/salientmagazine T: @salientmagazine I: @salientgram S: salientmag Contact editor@salient.org.nz designer@salient.org.nz www.salient.org.nz Level 2, Student Union Building, Victoria University PO Box 600, Wellington

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Student Art Exhibition 16 - 18 May Opening night - Tuesday 15 May Be a part of our first ever, all student art exhibition running right in the middle of Kelburn Campus (MC 201) Art of all shapes and sizes welcome. All pieces of work will be for sale, with the profits going directly to you, the artist. All you need to do is set your price.

VUWSA is taking submissions up until Monday, 14 May at 4pm at the VUWSA Kelburn Office (Student Union Building) Email events@vuwsa.org.nz for more details.

VUWSA will apply discretion for what artworks are chosen for the show. VUWSA will not accept liability for damage or theft of work.