Issue 04 | Your Weekly Digest

Issue #4

Volume 81

Your Weekly Digest

Fantastic Cults and How To Join Them – Pg 14 Wake-up and Smell the Condoms – Pg 18 "Psycho"; Mental Illness in Politics and Hollywood – Pg 20

Contents

EDITOR'S LETTER 3 NEWS News 4 Political Round-Up 7 *News* 8 Opinion 10 LETTERS & NOTICES 13 FEATURES Fantastic Cults and How to Join Them 14 Wake-up and Smell the Condoms 18 'Psycho'; Mental Illness in Politics and Hollywood 20 POEM 23 CENTREFOLD 24 COLUMNS Presidential Address 28 VUWSA 28 Shit Chat 29 Te Ara Tauira 30 CanDo 30 Philosoraptor 31 Mauri Ora 32 PSC: One Ocean 32 From the Archives 33 REVIEWS Music 34 Art 36 Film 37 Podcast 38 Television 39 Books 40 Food 41 Theatre 42 ENTERTAINMENT Distractions 44 Horoscope 45

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Editor's Letter LOUISE LIN

According to Urban Dictionary, “full of shit” has two meanings. The first one is: “Totally unfounded, not credible, or ridiculous… usually refers to something somebody just said”, and the second is: “Having a large amount of fecal matter in your body, usually necessitating a dump.”

need to take a dump. Ultimately, we are dictated by our bodily needs and limitations. Stephen Hawking died the other day, a reminder that all of us, no matter how genius, are just living out our brief animal lives.

You can be forgiven for mistaking that the front cover (and this entire editorial) is a regression to infantile toilet humour. In fact, it is the opposite. In this magazine, we hope to normalize and celebrate our bodily functions through exposure and open conversation.

Our cover speaks to both these meanings. The content of Salient is, upon (frequent) occasion, unfounded and ridiculous, an aspect of the magazine I am fully proud of. Our cover is a reminder to readers to maintain critical independence while reading. We don’t always tell the truth. However, neither does anyone else. Not the University, not the news, not your friends, not even your mum. Use your judgement. Collaborate with other sources. “Is this shit for reals?” is always a good question to ask. Physical evidence usually does the trick.

I thought about adding something at the end here about how reading is like digesting information.

But then it’s like, if the end product of reading and digesting information is more writing, are we in an endless cycle of eating turds? That’s a riddle for another day.

The second meaning of “full of shit” is a reminder of the primacy of biology. In our lives full of politics, technology, and complicated social theory, it is easy to forget that we are soggy sacks of flesh, who regularly

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NEWS Subsidised Menstrual Cups for VUW Students

Body conducted a survey through Vic Deals in September 2017, finding that one in three menstruating students have skipped class due to the inaccessibility of menstrual products. This much touted figure is at the heart of Wā Collective’s mission. “It shouldn’t be like that. Not here. Not anywhere,” said Body.

As a social enterprise, Wā Collective aims for 50% of their products to be bought at full price in order to subsidise cups for students. Through their advertising, characterized by cheeky puns, Body hopes to continue conversations that reduce the taboo around menstruation.

Body also wants to work towards removing the luxury tax on menstrual products. “If we can keep on pushing that, I think we can get there, because it’s really important we do,” she said.

Vita Molyneux, English Literature and Media Studies student at Victoria, said that “there definitely have been times when [my period] has impacted […] my daily life”.

She mostly used the free products out of convenience; she now uses a cup and finds that much easier.

Olivia Philip, film student at Victoria, said she was “gutted” that the “economically and environmentally friendly” cup did not work for her.

“Realising I’m at the grocery store to buy milk and bread and that I also have no tampons or liners and I’ve only got eleven dollars has been one of the low points in my life,” she said.

Both Molyneux and Philip found out about the service through advertising on Facebook, as well as word of mouth through friends. Many students do not know about it yet, and Paterson said “that it could be more publicly advertised”.

For more information, you can visit Wā Collective’s website (wacollective.org.nz) or talk to Beth Paterson in the VUWSA office.

BY SHANTI MATHIAS VUWSA has partnered with Victoria University and Wā Collective to provide subsidised menstrual cups to students again this year, after running a successful campaign in 2017. Period poverty is a barrier to education, and this service aims to reduce that.

A full price menstrual cup sold through Wā Collective costs $49, with cups being subsidised to $15 for students. Cups can be ordered online through Wā’s website, and then delivered to campus for pick up.

Menstrual cups are flexible silicon cups that fit inside your body collecting menstrual fluid. They provide a cost-saving and ecoalternative to pads and tampons, which simply absorb the fluid and cannot be reused.

A menstrual cup is reusable and can last for up to ten years.

As well as partnering with Wā Collective, VUWSA has also negotiated for free pads and tampons to be available through the hardship fund (part of the Student Services Levy). Funding is distributed on a yearly basis.

While the Wā cups need to be ordered online, the tampons and pads operate on a “no questions asked, take what you need” basis, according to Beth Paterson, VUWSA’s Welfare Vice President.

They are available at all three Victoria University campuses.

Wā Collective was founded by Olie Body a year ago, upon seeing free condoms being given out at Massey, where she was a student.

“I thought, ‘That’s cool, they need to be there, but why on earth isn’t there a bowl of menstrual products right beside that?’ Because sex is a choice and menstruation isn’t.'”

Rumours False: You Won't Have to Pay Back Your Fees if you Fail

education. She said that the initiative had definitely influenced her decision to pursue a university education.

“I always knew I wanted to study, but it definitely made me certain that I wanted to study in New Zealand as opposed to somewhere overseas – it’s just so much cheaper.”

Mathias’ decision to study Arts was not influenced by the fact that there is no cost, but she does admit to the temptation to take more papers than necessary “because it’s free”.

First-year commerce student Daly, when asked whether he thought that fees-free may tempt students to not take university as seriously as they would if they had to pay for their tuition, said he believed the opposite, and that the changes encouraged prospective students to take their education more seriously.

“I reckon it’s pretty similar cause [I] still have to pay for living costs, so I think it’s kinda making me work harder. You’ve been given a real good opportunity so you want to make the most of it.”

BY VITA MOLYNEUX A rumour is circulating Victoria University recently that the firstyear fees-free offer is conditional, and that in order to be eligible you have to finish your degree, otherwise you will be required to pay back your fees. Another rumour is that if you don’t pass your first-year courses, you will also be required to pay back your fees.

Studylink and the Tertiary Education Commission (TEC) has informed Salient in no uncertain terms that these rumours are false.

The claims of repayment are “absolutely not true” according to Lyn Holland of the TEC, which was corroborated by a representative from Studylink.

Salient addressed these rumours in interviews with first-year students Shanti Mathias and Madison Daly, who both said they had heard the rumours but were unsure of the truth.

Mathias, first-year Anthropology and English student, spoke about the fees-free initiative and how it has affected her ideas about

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News

Eye on Exec

Marlon met with NZUSA, who discussed restoring the eligibility of students in long courses, such as medicine, to access student allowances or loans beyond seven years FTE study, and ending age discrimination for student allowances (currently you can’t get a student allowance if you’re over 65).

Marlon went to the Academic Board meeting. He said it was “weird”, a “big room with heaps of really smart people”. He noted that Grant Guilford sits in this chair that’s slightly higher than everyone else.

Marlon went to the Tenancy Advocacy Network meeting. They discussed the review of the Residential Tenancies Act coming up later this year.

Beth and Ella are going to a Living Wage Community Organization training, sponsored

by VUWSA. The exec passed a motion to thank all the candidates who ran for Education Vice President.

The Chat in the Hat remains under contention, with our president describing it as “stupid”. Beth’s motion to end was drowned out by a vehement “no” from Ella and Simran. The topic under discussion this week was “theme song for VUWSA”.

Below is a list of suggestions. Results will be decided upon by Facebook poll.

Paddy: Africa, Toto Ella: Bodak Yellow, Cardi B Rhianna: Wagon Wheel, Old Crow Medicine Show Simran: Wannabe, Spice Girls Beth: Big Spender, Shirley Bassey Geo: Friday I’m in Love, The Cure Jack: Curb your Enthusiasm theme, Wonderwall, Oasis Marlon: God’s Plan, Drake

BY LOUISE LIN Marlon kicked the meeting off. “Welcome to meeting number five, numero… five!”

Rhianna Morar, our new Education Officer, was warmly welcomed into the exec. She also lead the karakia.

The exec decided to buy a people mover. It’s a 2006 black Mazda MPV eight seater, with a black cloth interior. It’s going to cost $13,440 for the van, $15,785 including a tow bar and insurance, and another $700-800 for a reversing camera.

The exec discussed March on Midland. Marlon said it was “breathtaking seeing students out there empowering themselves”. Beth said “that was the best day, the rally, I feel real lucky to be there… [I think the] chanting and yelling was really therapeutic”. There was widespread media coverage, and Marlon has met with several community stakeholders after the rally. Geo said that the Filipino community would like to thank VUWSA for the rally, mentioning that sexual harassment was a problem encountered by migrant workers also. Beth thanked the long list of people who were involved. She discussed the next steps of this campaign: making the Student To-Do List happen, and having focus groups targeting the Government, the Law Society, law firms, and outreach. There was some discussion about whether the campaign would target only Law, or sexual harassment in the wider community.

Marlon spoke with Grant Robertson about postgrad allowance, sexual violence in law firms, and how the Green’s pledge of giving under 25s free counselling would affect counselling services in universities.

Queer Coverage: Local, National, and International LGBTQIA+ News

Name (Guadagnino, 2017) and Moonlight ( Jenkins, 2016), both of which were well received critically and at the box office, making back their budgets of $3.5 million USD and $1.5 million USD respectively.

Groundbreaking Queer Radio Show for Arab World Shams Rad, a queer radio station broadcasting to the Arab world, is finding success since its launch in December 2017.

Started by activist Bouhdid Belhedi, the station is the first of its kind in the region and is currently broadcasting to 10,000 people in 15 countries.

Based in Tunisia with funding from the local Dutch Embassy, the show provides a queer discussion space without the usual presence and dominance of Imams.

Content is still restricted however, due to legal and social restrictions around queer issues in Tunisia.

BY JOHNNY O’HAGAN BREBNER, UNIQ VICTORIA COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER UniQ Victoria Gains Two New Exec Members Jak Mitchell and Char Earle have been elected to the UniQ Victoria Executive as General Members.

Elected at the group’s Inaugural General Meeting last Tuesday 13 March, the two first years are keen to apply their previous organising experience to work with the community at VUW. The IGM received a large turn out, with seven contestants for the three available positions.

Mitchell and Earle will be sharing the First Year Representative portfolio, and the Communications Officer role will be filled by the previously acting CO, Johnny O’Hagan Brebner.

An AGM will be held in the second half of trimester two.

Death of Lesbian Politician Sparks Protests in Brazil The apparent assassination of Marielle Franco, a lesbian politician and activist, has lead to protests in Rio de Janeiro.

Thousands of people protested outside of the Rio de Janeiro council building as Franco’s coffin was carried inside prior to her burial on 15 March.

The assassination comes after the publication of statistics showing the LGBTQIA+ homicide and suicide rates in Brazil had increased 30% between 2016 and 2017, to a total of 445 deaths last year.

Head of Public Security Richard Nunes has affirmed that a full investigation will take place.

Critical and Financial Success for Love, Simon (Berlanti, 2018) Since its premier at Sydney’s Mardi Gras Film Festival, Love, Simon is on track to be both a critical and commercial success.

As of 18 March 2018, the film had made back $11.5 million USD of its $17 million USD budget at the box office.

The film scored a “Certified Fresh” rating of 91% from critics on Rotten Tomatoes, and a 92% rating from audiences.

Love, Simon follows the success of the gay films Call Me By Your

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News

TRUMP'S AME RICA Lordy, There are Tapes

BY TORI BRIGHT

T

Donald Trump.

This admission came in the midst of several shocking revelations on Cambridge Analytica’s practices. Nix was recorded discussing entrapping politicians with Ukrainian sex workers and with secret recordings of candidates admitting to corruption, then using blackmail in attempts to sway the results of over 200 elections worldwide. It has since been revealed by the former research director of the company, Christopher Wylie, that militant disinformation campaigns to sway public opinion were made possible via illegally obtaining the personal data of over 50 million Facebook users. Political ads were then individually tailored and directed at these users in manipulation tactics to garner votes for Donald Trump. Facebook has since come under investigation from the Federal Trade Commission, and CEO Mark Zuckerburg has been summoned to UK Parliament amid allegations they were aware of this covert violation of privacy policies. Wylie has also alleged that these operations were overseen by then-board member Steve Bannon in 2014. Bannon later went on to become appointed as Chief Strategist within President Trump’s administration in 2016.

President Trump is yet to comment on these recent reports, instead directing his attention towards Vladimir Putin — congratulating him for his recent victory securing his fourth term as Russian President. This congratulatory gesture was in defiance of advice from the President’s National Security advisors who reportedly wrote “DO NOT CONGRATULATE” in all-caps across the President’s briefing material. The act also drew criticism from Senator John McCain, who remarked, “An American president does not lead the Free World by congratulating dictators on winning sham elections”.

he Republicans of the House Intelligence Committee have concluded investigations into Russian interference in the 2016 Presidential elections, after a year long inquiry.

Committee members have determined they “disagree with the narrative that [Russia was] trying to help Trump”. This decision is in direct contradiction with the assessment of the U.S Intelligence community — who stated last year that Russia “aspired to help President-elect Trump’s election chances when possible” — a declaration made with “high confidence” by the CIA and the FBI. House Democrats have also been highly critical of what they are calling a “premature” decision to bring the investigation to a close, publishing a report on the investigation the following day on 13 March. This report comprehensively lists several individuals and organizations embroiled in the Trump administration that the committee has failed to investigate and interview. House Democrats claim “significant investigative steps remain, especially with respect to the issues of collusion and obstruction of justice”. The Democrats also alleged that they had been pursuing — “and in some cases, been prevented from pursuing” — all leads that could provide an answer.

Often mentioned within the Democrat’s report is the privately-owned data analysis firm, Cambridge Analytica. It questioned whether there had been sufficient investigation into “efforts to acquire Wikileak’s database of hacked emails related to Hillary Clinton,” during the firm’s work for the Trump campaign in 2016. Last week, the UK’s Channel Four released a scathing expose on Cambridge Analytica. Secret recordings with CEO Alexander Nix show him boasting that their involvement accounted for a margin of 40,000 votes in three states, winning the electoral college for candidate

Whakatu Wahine Panel Discussion

Zealand over the last 125 years, but she would probably still find the rampant culture of domestic abuse in New Zealand troubling.

Professor Charlotte Macdonald, an expert on gender and New Zealand history speculated that “the danger that women and children were subject to in the home, families were dangerous places because of violence…. I think that’s the most worrying thing she would observe in contemporary New Zealand”.

Georgina Beyer also lamented that gender identity was not protected under the New Zealand Human Rights Act. “This would give [women and gender minorities] a platform on which we can legitimately go for access to all health services, education, housing, you name it.”

Responding to a question on the current MeToo and TimesUp movements, Julie Anne Genter stressed that “what's happening right now is testament to what happens when women raise their voices”.

Professor Macdonald compared the current moment to women’s liberation in the ‘70s. She underscored that while social progress is not always linear, the current cultural moment for women looks hopeful for lasting change.

“It’s not about individual women airing particular complaints or trying to solve them on their own… it’s about action, the collective speaking.”

BY ANGUS SHAW To recognise International Women’s Day on 8 March, the Ministry for Women, in partnership with Te Papa, hosted the panel discussion Whakatū wāhine — forging our future, heralding our history. The panel discussed the significance of 125 years of suffrage in New Zealand, centring on how New Zealand can build on its history, and the challenges that women in New Zealand face today.

The panel was held at Te Marae, part of Te Papa Museum.

Featured on the panel were Minister for Women Hon Julie Anne Genter MP, Victoria University historian Professor Charlotte Macdonald, National Council of Women of New Zealand President Vanisa Dhiru, Board Chair of Te Aho o Te Kura Pounamu (The Correspondence School) and Scholarship Services Aotearoa Mele Wendt, and Georgina Beyer, the first transgender woman in the world to be elected as an MP. Overall the panelists concurred that Kate Sheppard would be proud with the large strides that women have made in New

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POLITICAL ROUND-UP Defence Minister’s Transportation Defence Minister Ron Mark has denied claims that he has used Defence Force Transport as his “personal taxi service”.

Mark recently came under fire from National Defence Spokesperson Mark Mitchell for his use of Air Force NH90 helicopters to get to work related events.

Travel logs show that some aircraft were diverted to Masterton, 15 kilometres from his hometown Carterton.

Mark allegedly declined a trip recently where the Defence Force offered air transportation from Devonport to Whenuapai Air Base, and in that instance he utilised a Crown car.

Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern also defended Mark’s use of the transport in a press conference on 16 March. She reiterated that these trips were for official business and said that the Government and Defence Force always had to be mindful of perception from New Zealanders about where their dollars are being spent.

In an email response to Salient, Mark said former Defence Ministers occasionally used NZDF transport for their own personal benefits, which was why the public had reason to be concerned.

“I’m happy to proactively release my flight information regularly if it’s of interest.

However, in the past few months I’ve been open with my flights.” $50.3 Million to Make Children Start School at Five Nikki Kaye, former Associate Minister of Education under the Key Government, has criticised the current Government on their proposed policy of restoring the previous legislation which prohibits children from being able start school before age five.

Under current legislation, children can enrol in school before age five. Prior to 2017, children were still able to be enrolled in primary school in the term closest to their fifth birthday.

Drawing from a document obtained under the Official Information Act, Kaye said the amendment would cost the taxpayers $50.3 million a year, $42 million upward of the current policy in place. According to Kaye, Labour Education Minister Chris Hipkins made the announcement before being informed of the costs of extending early childhood education, and failed to consult Cabinet before he began to make changes to the act.

This change follows the fees-free tertiary education policy, which has been criticized by the National party for costing $58 million when taking university dropouts into account.

Hipkins said that allowing children to start school at the term closest to their fifth birthday was an attempt by the previous

National government to cut costs in the Early Childhood Sector.

The public had until 19 March to have their say on these changes to primary school enrolment.

No Sign of Trade Deal Between NZ and Russia The New Zealand Government has not made any indication they will follow the UK in expelling Russian diplomats from their embassies.

Britain’s Prime Minister Theresa May said that she would deport 23 foreign diplomats after a Russian-made nerve agent was used in the alleged assassination of a former Russian double agent in England. The Kremlin is still denying any involvement with the deaths.

Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern and Minister for Foreign Affairs and Trade Winston Peters were heavily criticised for their delayed condemnation of the attack. Trade talks between Russia and New Zealand were halted in 2014 after the Ukrainian Revolution broke out, and Ardern has stated that there would be no resuming of trade talks with the Kremlin in the near future.

In a joint statement, they said that they fully supported the actions that the UK have taken so far.

“There is no plausible alternative explanation hitherto, that this came from anywhere other than Russia, and no doubt whatsoever that Russia has serious questions to answer.”

- Thomas Campbell

THE PARTY LINE Prostitution was decriminalised in New Zealand in 2003. Former Labour MP Georgina Beyer, one of the original proponents of the Prostitution Reform Act 2003, said recently that the law around sex work is worth reviewing a decade later. Do you think current legislation has been effective in reducing harm for sex workers? Would you support further reform to the 2003 Act? YOUNG GREENS I think it’s up to sex workers to decide whether or not the current legislation is effective, and whether it needs to be reformed further. I would support the government beginning a consultative process to look at the legislation, and involving organisations such as the New Zealand Prostitutes Collective.

The 2003 legislation is something the Green Party supports, and we support the rights and safe working conditions of sex workers.

-Max Tweedie

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VICNATS The Young Nats have always wanted people to work in a safe environment, whatever that work may be. This is why we supported the National Government’s policy to make the Health and Safety at Work Act 2015 apply to the sex industry. This gave added protection to people working in the sex industry and made their employers personally liable. Further to this reform, the Young Nats are open to further discussion and justified improvements on the current legislation.

-Grahame Woods ACT ON CAMPUS Young Act supports the 2003 legislation and believes that people should have the freedom to work in that industry if they so choose. The 2003 legislation has made sex work safer and since decriminalization it makes sex workers more comfortable reporting assaults etc. However with human trafficking becoming an increased threat we should look into what protections can be made to ensure that sex workers are in the industry by choice and can be kept safe.

Possible reforms to the 2003 legislation could include protections for digital sex workers ensuring that they are protected in the same way traditional sex workers are.

- James Allan VICLABOUR VicLabour fully supports the courageous actions of Geogina Beyer - and for those that voted to pass the Prostitution Reform Act in 2003. As a society, we need to get better at respecting those within the occupation of sex work, which doesn't require only legal change, but moral change too. Governments need to provide additional funding to the Ministry of Health to enable medical professionals to carry out regular inspections of brothels.

Speaking with friends in the sex industry leading up to this question - those that said they had been in the profession before the law change in 2003, currently found it a lot safer in terms of being able to refuse services more freely, work on their own terms and in their preferred settings. It is important to note however, as not being involved in the sex work industry, we are not qualified to evaluate the conditions of sex workers. We are unable to be the voice of sex workers. However, we can work alongside those in the industry to create a more positive attitude amongst the public and to ensure that laws uphold the rights of the individuals involved.

*NEWS* LET ME BE REALLY CLEAR: WE MADE THIS SHIT UP

Obama Enabling Max Key to Remain Relevant Somehow Worse than War Crimes

BY ANGUS SHAW Obama was in New Zealand last Wednesday 21 March. Among other engagements, the former US President flew north to play golf with former Prime Minister John Key and his DJ son of middling quality Max. While the visit by former US president Barack Obama has been praised for the boost it will give to New Zealand tourism, others are not so impressed.

A representative from the Human Rights Watch said that the increase of NSA spying and continuation of the Afghanistan War during Obama’s two terms as President should possibly give New Zealanders a reason to reconsider receiving the former President so warmly, however they also said that enabling Max Key to stay in the spotlight was “deeply troubling”, and should give New Zealanders a real cause for concern. “[Obama] has a conflicted legacy on human rights. Drone striking a Yemeni wedding party is one thing, but giving New Zealanders a reason to read Max Key’s name in print or see his face on video is the real war crime here.”

Salient considered reaching out to Max Key but ultimately declined let him to comment.

UPDATES ON KYLIE JENNER'S BABY Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott’s baby Stormi Webster, is reportedly still a baby. It is unclear if the “S” in Stormi will be stylised as "$" similar to her father Travi$ Scott.

Either way, the official Salient position continues to be that we don’t give a single fuck about Kylie Jenner’s baby.

Freedom for Women, Freedom for Dennis

BY JESS SCOTT

During Lent, God-bothering anti-abortionist lunatics congregate outside medical practitioners, generally intimidating and abusing members of the public.

True to form, this March has unleashed the closeted sociopaths and sadists, emerging from the shadows screeching and pelting passerbys with stock photos of alien “foetuses” and flagrant misinformation.

As though the decision to have an abortion wasn't already emotionally distressing enough, these friendly faces are here to ensure you're also acutely aware of the socially-ingrained guilt, shame, and stigma associated with exercising agency over your own flesh prison.

One patient, who wished to remain anonymous, told Salient that “while the decision to terminate a pregnancy is difficult, terrifying, and absolutely 100% my own, it’s always fun when people make me feel like a deviant for practicing my own bodily autonomy”.

This year, multiple sources claim to have witnessed one particular protester camped outside Wellington Hospital, 23 hours a day for the entire month, pausing only to water her plants and check on her ex-husband Dennis, whom she keeps bound and gagged in her basement.

When approached for comment, she said that while every life is worth saving, Dennis is an exception to the rule because he was having an affair with the neighbour, and that's a sin.

Witnesses have also spotted a particularly empathy-devoid bible-basher brandishing her baby at female patients of the hospital, reducing people to tears.

Contrary to the protester’s pamphlets, which portray abortion as some kind of recreational activity, one Wellington Hospital staffer said that “most people do not derive pleasure from having to bleed out a lime-sized clot over the course of two days, or have said cell lump removed via the process of ‘vacuum aspiration’, which is exactly what it sounds like”.

Sources tell Salient a petition to free Dennis is currently circulating on social media.

Student Disappointed After Making it Through Dark Souls-esque Gauntlet to Get to the Siglo Balcony

BY ANGUS SHAW A 19 year old Commerce student is reportedly extremely disappointed to not find any holy grails on the balcony of Siglo despite braving the arduous journey to get outside.

The Courtenay Place bar combines the nightclub experience with a series of physical and mental trials designed to cull the unworthy from entering the promised kingdom; patrons of the bar are required to brave their way past three bouncers to reach the balcony, each presenting a unique test of will.

Upon presenting I.D., those wishing to face the gauntlet are asked these questions three: How many drinks have you had tonight? What's your star sign? There is a house, one enters it blind and comes out seeing; what is it?

Those who passed this gatekeeper were

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able to make it into the downstairs portion of the bar, and the remaining seekers of Siglo are left to wander the wasteland of Courtenay Place.

B-com student Madeline Adams told Salient that, despite making it past the Siglo gatekeepers, she failed to find any hidden treasures on the balcony other than the ability to smoke a cig above ground level.

“It’s just a bit fucked you know, you make it through a series of trials of the will, you know like in Indiana Jones. I passed all the challenges and all you get is some shit chat with some industrial design student called Josh while you smoke a club red.”

She lamented losing several of her friends on the arduous journey. “Georgina fell through a hidden trap door filled with spikes, that just sucks you know. All the rickety bridges and mysterious gatekeepers asking you riddles. I should have just gone to 121.”

In background research for this article, one Salient reporter attempted to find advice on making it into the promised kingdom of the Siglo balcony, however failed to make it past the first trial which was being sober enough to make it into the bar.

*NEWS*

Green Party to Abandon All Parliamentary Seats

BY LIAM POWELL

In yet another well meaning but politically questionable act, the Green Party of Aotearoa New Zealand has resigned all its seats in Parliament to show solidarity with the “millions” of New Zealanders not currently in public office.

A media release dated for Monday the 19th of March stated that the Green Party had just become aware that as many as 4.5 million New Zealanders did not have a seat in Parliament. This was deemed “unacceptable”, and the party had decided to henceforth not sit in the House of Representatives until every other New Zealander could enjoy the same opportunity.

The same press statement said that “several” Green MPs had in fact spent time outside of Parliament, which had given them a “valuable insight” into the struggles of “ordinary, non-Parliamentary New Zealanders”. It was seen as “unfair” that less than 1% of people received generous MP salaries and the opportunity to implement legislative change, so the Green Party has decided to recuse itself from Parliament until all New Zealanders have a seat in the House.

The move, described as “strong, brave, and caring” by Green Party leader James Shaw and “completely fucking mental” by Deputy Prime Minister the Rt Hon Winston Peters, comes hot on the heels of several other apparently puzzling decisions from the Green leadership.

These decisions include offering all Parliamentary questions to the National Party, stopping its MPs from meeting any prospective financial backers, and donating all MP salaries to David Seymour.

In a press conference on Monday, Mr Shaw appeared proud. “We were so inspired by Metiria’s example of almost torpedoing our election campaign through a well-meaning act, and we seek to continue that legacy while we are in power.”

When pressed by reporters as to whether he was aware of any ensuing constitutional crises, Mr Shaw became more uncomfortable.

“Look, I honestly don’t know what the fuck any of us are actually supposed to do now we’re in government. I liked it when we could just be outraged at anything the government said or did every waking minute of our lives, and now all of a sudden we are the government?

It just isn’t fair,” wailed Mr Shaw.

Newly appointed Leader of the Opposition Simon Bridges could not be reached for comment, but Parliamentary sources report hearing “whoops of glee” and “the sound of champagne corks” from his office.

PROFESSOR DOES BARE MINIMUM, GETS AWARD

BY SHANTI MATHIAS History professor Douglas Miller has just received one of the highest honours Victoria University has to offer, the inaugural Evans Award in Technological Accomplishment.

The award is given each month to the lecturer over age 40 who most frequently fills all the criteria: a) to deliver a lecture with both projector screens working; b) to present the PowerPoint full screen; c) to not ask for help or express confusion at any time; and d) to not have anything else randomly go wrong (e.g. turning on the camera and projecting a picture of your hand). If more than one lecturer meets these criteria, which is unlikely, then additional

points are awarded for accomplishments like successfully embedding a video in a PowerPoint.

Kara Soly, VUW’s communications manager, said, “We want to recognise the bare minimum of technological proficiency in our staff, on the off chance that they can do even that, and Miller’s ability with projectors is absolutely deserving”.

“I’m so proud that those lessons my granddaughter gave me paid off,” said Miller, 58. He added that “I often come in to uni in the weekends to practice with the technology”.

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KENDALL JENNER "COMING OUT" INTERVIEW STRETCHING US UNPACKING SERVICES

BY JOHNNY O’HAGAN BREBNER A recent Vogue interview with Kendall Jenner included “revelations” the model is in fact “straight”.

Subsequent articles detailing Jenner’s “coming out” have produced an excess of issues to unpack, causing widespread problems across US Federal Unpacking Services.

Federal None of Your Business, Sounds Like Fetishisation but Okay, and It’s Fine if You’re Queer but Could the Cis-Hets Settle Please Unpacking Facilities are commonly used in such circumstances.

Jenner’s most recent interview, however, has swamped these and other facilities.

Faced with an unexpected number and complexity of issues to unpack, Chair of the Federal Unpacking Committee Andrea Alexander announced a dedicated fleet of cargo vessels would be used to deal with the situation “properly”.

“We will be shipping to Government facilities throughout the US, as well as to private contractors, and facilities in Canada and the UK.” “We’re also shipping to specialist facilities to deal with more complex issues.”

“These include the Coming Out Rhetoric is Generally Problematic, That’s Not How This Works (Structural Oppression Division), and These Clickbait Titles Misrepresent the Original Statement Which Reflects Needless Queer Erasure Facilities.”

The Chief Scientist on the Federal Unpacking Committee said he expected 90% of unpacking to be completed by this Friday, and 99% by the Tuesday afterwards, unless challenges arose.

In particular, “angry white men, Kendall stans, wilful ignorance, and a general atmosphere of being a shithead” are likely hurdles.

Alexander said that the Committee was familiar with and prepared to handle these hurdles.

As of publication, 70% of issues had been unpacked, slightly behind schedule.

Jenner could not be reached for comment.

OPINION #NEVERAGAIN … WELL, MAYBE JUST ONCE MORE? CW: gun violence Americans have a bit of a thing for guns – and apparently for using them on school children – with 17 youngsters killed in a hail of gunfire in February.

Now after such an event you’d assume there would be a period of deep introspection by the powers that be, to find out what had gone so wrong as to lead to this.

The Port Arthur massacre in 1996 Australia saw the government enact comprehensive gun law reforms. The Dunblane massacre in the UK (also in 1996) also led to tighter controls on handgun ownership.

America, however, seems to be intent on proving that gun violence can be solved the American Way: with more guns. President Trump and various other lawmakers across the country have actually floated the idea that the best way to protect schools is to arm school teachers. Now I remember my school days, and students have a penchant for upsetting teachers. I would find it hard to blame them for pointing a Glock at little Timmy and telling him to sit down, shut up, and stop flicking snot across the room.

Since 2000 there’s been on average 6.4 mass shootings a year in the US; the 17 killed last month were the latest in a long line of heinous attacks on civilians.

The blood is barely dry from the last massacre, when 37 were murdered in Las Vegas last October.

The onus has fallen to the victims of these attacks to blaze a trail in trying to correct the Government’s course. With the #neveragain movement, thousands of school children from New York, Washington, and beyond staged walkouts on 14 March in protest of the Government’s policy of masterful inactivity.

Alas, I don’t remain hopeful. With the common riposte being “why should children dictate my gun laws?”, Fox News presents a veritable gold mine of “helpful” comments on the matter, labelling the movement as little more than a cover for those sneaky liberals pushing their “anti-gun agenda,” a suitably glib remark only the dinosaurs at Fox could make.

In fairness to the Government, the gun lobby is powerful. During the 2016 election cycle alone, the National Rifle Association (NRA) donated roughly $54 million to Republican politicians. Something I can’t fault in and of itself; as it is an established part of American democracy for political parties to receive donations from

banks and companies looking to further their agenda such as the NRA and Big Pharma. The only difference being that Goldman Sachs isn’t trying to make it as easy as possible for every man and his dog to buy weaponry.

In principle, I’m not anti-gun. I myself enjoy rifle shooting (albeit shooting at inanimate targets, not children), but unlike the gun lobby, I don’t consider guns to be a “fundamental right” — because they aren’t. Gun ownership is a privilege, and as such should be earned, not given to any crackpot. It baffles the mind.

I mean, I understand the concept of the Second Amendment in its historical context – the whole keeping the King of Britain off your back thing – but conflating a musket with an assault rifle is one of the most asinine ideas I have heard.

On 22 February Marco Rubio, Florida Senator and renowned gun nut, engaged in a town hall debate with survivors of the Florida school shooting in attendance. 17 year old Cameron Kasky did a sublime job of calling out the Senator on accepting cash from the NRA at the expense of innocent lives. He did, to his credit, make some minor concessions, admitting he would be rethinking his position on high capacity magazines which contain enough ammunition to potentially wipe out an entire grade.

Trump has made some token gestures such as potentially banning “bump stocks”, an accessory that allows a semi-automatic to mimic a full-auto, increasing background checks, raising the minimum age to buy guns, and banning “assault-style” guns. My concern with these gestures are that they seem to be a load of shit. Firstly, they are a wish-list, which doesn’t mean any of these will necessarily become law.

Secondly, the majority of these are token changes, akin to putting a band-aid on a severed artery. Raising the age is unlikely to make much difference if a kid steals the keys to daddy’s gun cabinet after daddy’s had a few. Equally, holding a “listening session” with survivors is unlikely to quell the righteous anger felt by students up and down the country.

I am not hopeful that any progress will arise from the protests currently rocking America, but I would be happy to be proven wrong. It should be a given, living in the country dubbed the “defender of the free”, to be able to live without the fear of seeing your friends killed while you’re meant to be learning something dreary, like maths.

By Calum Steele 10

OPINION A DISCIPLE OF REASON, PASSION AND ROMANCE

Stephen Hawking (1942–2018)

P

rofessor Stephen Hawking was arguably the successor to Einstein. While there will never be a figure as unique as he was, his legacy as both a physicist and as a spokesperson for science and the value of knowledge created a path that many can follow.

had become part of his personal brand. It’s that idea of accessibility and desire to communicate his work to the public that speaks to one of Hawking’s greatest strengths as an individual. Arguably, he’s one of the best science communicators in our lifetimes. Though he once joked that A Brief History of Time was the best-selling but least read book ever published, he recognised that people wanted to engage with his work, and with science overall.

By all accounts, he was always provocative, warm, and never afraid to make light of his heady profession because he had faith in his work and his audience.

One of the most interesting pieces of discourse to appear after Stephen Hawking’s passing was his passive role as a disability advocate. Hawking was diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) at the age of 21, and the progression of his condition required him to use a wheelchair. When he spoke at sold-out shows in lecture halls across the globe, the first consideration any organisers had to make was whether he could gain access to the building at all. His prominence had the net benefit of increasing awareness for disability access. It’s tempting to reach for a poetic irony to contrast the grandiose scale of his work and the debilitating condition that “confined” him to his wheelchair, as some news outlets unfortunately did in their obituaries. If anything, he was proof that, if given the care necessary to reach equity, anyone can succeed and thrive. What is particularly damning is that his remarkable longevity was mostly due to the National Health Service, a fact that tacitly shamed other countries who may have lost Hawkings of their own far too early due to lack of public healthcare.

To be in any scientific discipline is to grapple with the Sisyphean realisation that your work will never be finished, inasmuch as you can only make a sizeable dent in your field’s progress before you ossify into the shoulder of whatever giant you stood upon. Physics is unique in that it sets itself an end goal, to find a “theory of everything”. There’s something immensely attractive about the idea that you can make sense of it all. Hawking, having never lost his undergraduate sense of self-confidence, sought and provided answers to some of the most bold, complex questions we have about the universe. His work still isn’t finished: two weeks before his passing, a paper he worked on detailed a experiment to test whether or not there is a multiverse.

Harvard University physicist Lisa Randall, a colleague of Hawking, shared an anecdote with The Economist from when she happened to meet Hawking while she was using crutches. Upon seeing her, Hawking remarked: “Physicists like to climb mountains and fall off them”. If we should take any lesson from his legacy, it’s that we should help each other climb those mountains together.

After having to undergo an emergency tracheotomy in 1985, he lost the ability to speak, and soon after began using his signature computer speech synthesiser, which came programmed with a slight American accent. When he was later offered to upgrade to a voice more reflective of his natural English accent, he refused, as his first one

By Gus Mitchell 11

In Memoriam: Stephen Hawking

BY NATHAN HOTTER

T

he 14th of March was Albert Einstein’s birthday, a day to celebrate. But instead we lost another one of the brightest minds this world has ever seen. Stephen Hawking passed away peacefully in his home. To an outside observer it would seem he had some sort grand plan, aligning Einstein’s birthday, Pi day, and his passing all in one. He always did have brilliant plans and ideas, so who knows.

With the loss of such a great mind, it is only appropriate that we have to remember his works.

Dr Hawking shot to fame in 1988 when he published A Brief History of Time. His book was celebrated around the world. It spent four years crowning the London Sunday Times' best-seller list. A Brief History of Time was hailed by other scientists for making space-time understandable to the general public. Since its publication, it has been translated into 40 different languages, making it accessible to people across the globe. The best way to describe why Hawking produced this book is in his own words: “Ever since the dawn of civilization, people have not been content to see events as unconnected and inexplicable. They have craved an understanding of the underlying order in the world. Today we still yearn to know why we are here and where we came from. Humanity's deepest desire for knowledge is justification enough for our continuing quest.

And our goal is nothing less than a complete description of the universe we live in.”

- Stephen Hawking, A Brief History of Time He was on a quest to discover our universe, and that is an endeavour not of one man, but of humanity.

While A Brief History of Time is what made Hawking a household name, his first extraordinary achievement was his PhD thesis. Hawking published Properties of Expanding Universes 52 years ago on the 15th March 1966, when he was just 24.

In 1966, the theory of the “Big Bang” was still struggling to gain traction. The overwhelming thought of the scientific community was that we lived in a “Steady State” universe (a universe that had existed in perpetuity).

However, recent discoveries had really begun to challenge that notion, especially the observation of the microwave background radiation in 1964, which would not fit with the “Steady State” theory.

Hawking’s paper solidified the evidence for the “Big

Bang” and the expansion of the universe. His research proved that it was in fact possible for all of our universe to exist in a single point of space and time. He proved that singularities (generally found inside black holes) were not unexplainable, but were in fact something we could expect to observe in nature. Six months ago Hawking gave the University of Cambridge his permission to publish his full thesis online. His first major achievement, publicly available, so all of us can learn about the universe together.

His next great discovery was what is now termed Hawking radiation, possibly the biggest scientific achievement he made. Theory had held that black holes could never lose mass. Their gravity was so strong that nothing could ever escape. But in 1974 Hawking published a brand new paper in the journal Nature, challenging the very foundations of the scientific understanding of black holes. His theory states that throughout the universe, pairs of particles are spontaneously created. The spontaneous particles have positive and negative energy, maintaining the energy balance of the universe. These forms of particles are called virtual particles, because they are destroyed so quickly that they are impossible to detect.

However, if one of these spontaneous particles appears along the event horizon of a black hole, with the negative energy half beyond the event horizon and the positive outside the event horizon, then the particles would be ripped away from each other and become real instead of virtual. The negative energy part of the particle would be sucked into the black hole and destroy some of the black hole’s mass. The positive half would be emitted into space, taking some of the energy with it. The released particle is called Hawking radiation.

Over time this means that black holes will lose mass and eventually evaporate.

The discovery of Hawking radiation fundamentally challenged ideas that had been held by the scientific community, and helped redefine our understanding of space. Hawking has had a serious effect on our understanding of the universe.

It is only appropriate to leave the last words to another scientist: “His passing has left an intellectual vacuum in his wake. But it's not empty. Think of it as a kind of vacuum energy permeating the fabric of spacetime that defies measure.” - Neil Degrasse Tyson

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LETTERS Sup. I'm a very sick, incredibly unenthusiastic first year (sorry for bad grammar, if it's bad). I love the illustrations, they are pretty sick (in the best way). I am beginning to realize more and more, that I am no child, and that high school babied the fuck out of me, opening to page 11 (Awkward Silences Deafening Hall Residences) was a surprise for my usually PG morning. This very page brought to the surface, cringe inducing and (might I add I am human plz forgive) sadly relatable chuckles. lol.

Please continue to be awesome.

Please don't banish sudoku (it reminds me I'm not THAT smart) Sincerely- Fresher Flu Victim.

Dear Shitlient With the return to A4 I was hoping Salient would likewise return to something best stored in a mag stand rather than a toilet stand.

Your latest issue however had me running back to the bathroom, with it's coverage of the latest by-election containing less substance than the paper it was printed on.

A trick shot in a dunny is better than the cheap shots you were making at the other student editor who had put up his hand for the election, and even if the whiff of bad intentions had not been enough to turn me off, the sheer brevity of content on a six horse race was like getting a fart when you expect a shit.

Scrawling on the wall of your nearest bathroom stall, NB

LETTER OF THE WEEK On Being a Fresher We all know that the best fish is the freshest fish, but what about the freshest students? In the past few weeks I have been doing everything in my power to not look like a fresher. I have studied the Kelburn campus map and refused to ask for directions, discarded my lanyard, and you best believe I won’t be seen outside estab on a Friday night hooning a dart between house remixes of Havana and Despacito, but is being a fresher so bad? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? Sure, we aren’t paying our first year uni fees thanks to Cindy, and yeah we may be a bit too eager and fresh faced for our new lives as university students, but does that make us monsters? The short answer: uuhh yeah. It does. If you find yourself disagreeing with me try walking down Boulcott St at around 10pm and I am sure you’ll hear some chanting about how shit KJ or Weir House is. Staying fiercely loyal to your hall and its reputation wasn’t something I thought I could get behind, but it turns out it is. The only person allowed to trash-talk my hall is me and the other residents, even if Joan Stevens is a feral zoo. All in all, being a fresher is truly great and caring to much of what other people think will end up killing you.

The Freshest Fresher Send us letters to editor@salient.org.nz otherwise we are just over here playing with ourselves. Your feedback and opinions are valid (maybe). *Letter of the Week wins a double day pass to Zealandia

Corrections: VUWSA By-Elections: It was mistakenly printed that Rhianna Morar didn’t send us an email. She did. Sorry Rhianna!

Editor’s Response: Why are you so obsessed with toilets?

NOTICES ADDICTIVE EATERS Can't stop thinking about food?

Addictive Eaters Anonymous can help. www.AEAnz.org Phone: (04)555 0269 VIC BOOKS 2018 BOOK CLUB The next book on the Book Club list is Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess. The book club session event is occuring on April 4th at Vic Books Pipitea at 5:30pm. If you have read, or are keen to read, this book and would like to review it, please get in touch at books@salient.org.nz.

THE NEW ZEALAND STUDENTS' SPACE ASSOCIATION For all students passionate about the Space Industry and its future.

Do you like star gazing? Want to know more about rockets? Connect with industry professionals? Take part in awesome events?

The NZSSA is a new initiative that aims to empower students to explore their passion for all things Space.

In celebration of the first person in Space, the NZSSA will be holding our first event, Yuri's Night, on April 12th. All you have to do is become a member of the NZSSA! Find us on Facebook for more information: https://www.facebook.com/ studentsInSpace/

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GRADUATE PROGRAMMES ON CAREERHUB Applications are open NOW for 2019 Graduate Programmes with the following companies: Westpac, John Deere, Fonterra, Toll Group, Duncan Cotterill, Countdown Supermarkets, MFAT, Kraft Heinz, Disney, Beca and more…

14

Fantastic Cults and How To Join Them

The Church of Scientology

As all former emos do, I have a habit of reading creepy Wikipedia pages and watching true crime documentaries at 4am. Cults have always fascinated and terrified me; as functional entities presenting themselves as legitimate religions, and as horrific examples of human cruelty and psychological manipulation. The increase of internet users, and the spread and accessibility of social media, puts cults in an even better position to find new victims, but these factors also work to their disadvantage, providing resources that break down the reality of the organizations and their goals. I thought I’d see how easy it is to get in contact with cults, and how they present themselves to those they perceive as an easy target.

Scientology is your classic modern day cult, full of schemes, abuse, isolation tactics, and blackmail, started by a science-fiction author who is on record saying religion is the best way to make money.

Said science-fiction author, L. Ron Hubbard, started Scientology in 1954, originally via his book Dianetics that outlined the science of mental wellbeing (the science being it is fake and you don’t need to worry about it unless you are not a Scientologist, in which case you should join Scientology). According to the religion, everyone is full of “Thetans”, parts of alienbeings that were dispersed after being trapped in a volcano by intergalactic overlord Xenu, and entered human bodies. Trapped within us, these Thetans are the source of all human unrest. Scientology maintains a tax-exempt status as a religion, but charges followers hundreds of thousands of dollars to excel within its ranks, then traps them underground when they start to realize they’ve been taken advantage of. There’s a whole lot more to go into, but in short: they’re evil. The Auckland branch was very excited to hear from Leslie, and replied at 1am on a Monday, which makes me think I was probably not talking to anyone in Auckland.

I didn’t want to use my real name for this — I even used a VPN for filling in online contact forms — not only because I’ve been openly critical of some of these groups online, but also because they scare me. Using a website for generating names for erotic fanfiction, I came up with a shortlist of identities: Leslie Garfield, Vivian Peak, Carol Snelling, and Alpha Lowell. I settled on Leslie Garfield, which I chose because I felt it was gender-ambiguous, and I like Garfield the cat. I decided they were born in 1985 because 33 seemed like a good age for a crisis of faith. I registered lesliegarfield85@gmail.com and sent each group the same message via email or online form:

Hello Leslie, Anna here from the Church of Scientology Auckland!

Looking for help

Thank you for your email - I can [tell] that you are interested in joining our group - that is very exciting:)

To whom it may concern, What is your mission? And how can I join you?

Would you be able to come in to discuss it in person?

And if so what would be the best day/time for you?

Sincerely, Leslie Garfield

We are open from 9am till 10pm Monday to Friday, and from 9am till 6pm Saturdays & Sundays!

As Leslie I contacted several “religious organizations”, but didn’t get as many replies as I would have hoped; I suspect the newly registered email address may not have made it past several spam filters, or perhaps Leslie’s cryptic message was a bit too spooky even for the cults. My first response was an auto-reply from Full Circle, a “spiritual community center” based on “fostering social evolution”, formed by Andrew Keegan of 10 Things I Hate About You fame — unfortunately the Los Angeles-based temple closed its doors on 20 June 2017, and the group is on an indefinite hiatus. I found this unsurprising, since the last time I checked in on Full Circle they were auctioning signed headshots and personal voicemails from Keegan to raise rent.

But other groups did get back to Leslie, and it was then that I became a fully realized cult catfish.

I am looking forward to hearing back from you!

Kind Regards, Anna Because the short message I sent reads at best, manic, and at worst, depressive, Anna’s overly friendly tone really skeeved me out, and further supports Scientology’s tendency to prey on the weak. If you’ve ever seen someone with a weird gadget at a market offering you a free stress test, that someone is a Scientologist, that gadget is an E-Meter (a phony piece of equipment that does absolutely nothing), and that stress test is just an analysis of how vulnerable you would be to joining a huge fucking cult. I’ve been to the old Scientology building in Auckland, before they opened their new Grafton behemoth in 2017; a volunteer said I could take photos, but then my friend 15

Fantastic Cults and How To Join Them entered an empty office — every official church related building has this office in case L. Ron Hubbard returns from the dead and needs to type some stuff up, but it’s off limits to everyone who is a not a cultist ghost — which angered the Scientologists. They tried to get us to leave unless we watched a 20 minute introductory video, so we did. My favourite part of the viewing experience was the approximately 35 seconds when a stern woman was not staring at me from behind the television.

But maybe there are some… perks to Scientology?

If you’re having trouble finding a flat, you can just join the Sea Org, made up of the cult’s most devoted followers and missionaries, split between compound and naval living. While the Sea Org is not a legally recognized organization, that doesn’t matter when you live in daily fear of Xenu returning you to the volcano from whence you came. You don’t have to worry about unexpected evictions, because joining the Sea Org involves signing a billion year contract.

Just don’t ask where Shelly Miscavige is, or have a baby, or contact your family.

Scientology also offers a lot of exciting travel opportunities, deploying you to stalk ex-members all over the globe. But before you do any of that, you have to pay your way into the church — the average cost of “going Clear” (that is, reaching a state of being completely in charge of your mind and ready to properly absorb the church’s teachings) is US$33,000, and that’s before you even begin working on your Operating Thetan levels (when you find out about all the aliens). With the average New Zealand student loan balance as of 2017 at NZ$21,467, what’s a few extra cents here or there to live on a boat with all your bros like, mopping and shit?

You can find the church online at scientology-auckland. org and fill in a form to contact them, and they totally won’t use your details to find out where you live.

Heaven's Gate

Heaven’s Gate was started by Marshall Applewhite and Bonnie Nettles (known as Do and Ti, respectively), with a goal of reuniting with the extraterrestrial race they believed themselves to be a part of. When Ti’s body left our physical realm (she died), it only increased Do’s insistence that he was an alien reincarnation of Jesus Christ. The majority of the cult committed mass suicide in 1997 at Do’s instruction, in an attempt to leave earth by catching a ride on a spacecraft tailing the Comet Hale-Bopp, heading to a planet they referred to as “Next Level”. But a few stayed behind to run the emails.

The representative for Heaven’s Gate got back to Leslie pretty quickly, and the email was as bleak as it was brief: Our mission is to maintain the website, emails, and the physical and intellectual property issues.

The Group ended in 1997. There is nothing to join.

I felt bad for them, cult thing aside. I replied with my condolences and asked if they were still following Do and Ti’s teachings, and they said they “still follow the ways of Next Level”, which I assume means watching all the videos left behind and wearing cool tracksuits.

I would love to know what maintaining the Heaven’s Gate website entails, since its design clearly hasn’t been updated since the ‘90s.

If you want to make a spooky new online friend out of the person on the other end of Heaven’s Gate’s email address, there might be something in it for you; the group’s deaths made the Nike Decades shoe morbidly iconic — all 39 members were found dead draped in purple sheets with matching black tracksuits and box-fresh shoes — but Nike stopped production of the line after the bodies were found. Heaven’s Gate might still have a few pairs around (if they weren’t confiscated as evidence) that you could get your hands on, and then sell outside Area 51 Cuba Street for a sweet price; at the time of writing you can score a pair for NZ$9,138 on eBay. And don’t fret, you can catch Hale-Bopp on its next trip past Earth in the year 4380 — intergalactic utopia is within your grasp.

You can visit the Heaven’s Gate website at heavensgate.com, or email someone with presumably the most low-maintenance office job ever at rep@ heavensgate.com.

Gloriavale Christian Community

Are you absolutely sick of having to make your own decisions? Are you worried that when your degree finishes, you’re going to have to go out into “the real world”? Are you haunted by the idea that you are definitely going to die alone? The answer is the tight-knit Christian community of Gloriavale, New Zealand’s solution for those who crave a traditional Amish lifestyle but also want to mess their kids up real bad. For some reason New Zealand media has a real boner for portraying Gloriavale as an idyllic moral paradise because children do what they’re told there, but they’re told to get married at 16 and give birth to endless babies so it’s actually quite bad.

Gloriavale’s rep addressed all of Leslie’s questions in their reply, but failed to mention anything about the rampant child abuse: 16

Fantastic Cults and How To Join Them Hello Leslie.

to bang missionary style after you get married, or your pure love for Jesus. To enhance their hip and funky vibe, Hillsong employs young ripped pastors like Bieber’s personal pastor Carl Lentz, who dresses in expensive streetwear and has those lines on his torso that go down towards his junk. Lentz currently oversees religious-based couples counselling between on/off couple Bieber and Gomez; allegedly it was part of the church’s mission to get the two back together as a testimony to the healing power of Je$us.

If the leaders of Hillsong could wear One Direction’s skin, they would, and then they would take over the world.

We are a Christian community, who follow and live the kJV bible, we live together, have all things in common, and wait earnestly for the coming of the Lord.

You are very welcome to come and visit and see for yourself, and stay and take it from there.

Just let us know the date and time you would like to come.

Kind Regards Rebecca Temple Gloriavale Christian Community

I didn’t get a response from Hillsong, but if you go to hillsong.com there is a huge button that says JOIN, which made me nervous so I didn’t click it.

I was surprised how easy it seems to be to visit the Gloriavale community and how willing they were to have Leslie attend, even seeming to imply you could go there once and never leave if you settled in quick/ got knocked up immediately (though you’d have to get married in the same day, heaven forbid you conceive out of wedlock).

Young Nats

Their party lost the election and everyone thinks they’re a bunch of posh nerds. On the upside, blue is a very flattering colour. Don’t know how to join them.

Don’t care. Nerds.

If Victoria isn’t offering you enough artistic stimulation, and you don’t want to go to Massey because you’ve got some weird thing about it, Gloriavale has many outlets for the young (female) creative: from painting murals for child weddings, to sewing clothes for child brides, to sewing clothes for the eight children you had in eight years, to making your very own conservative sack dress to hide your sinful ankles. Men may find a hidden aesthetic beauty in butter churning, and Christ Himself. Alternatively, you could break in and try free all the victims of sexual abuse, brainwashing, and slave labour. It’s a real Sophie’s Choice.

Disclaimer: Please do not join cults. They are bad and will take your money, your livelihood, and some may even kill you. Basically the opposite of live laugh love.

Feel free to drop out of uni though. Please do not @ me Scientologists. Also Leslie Garfield is not real and any similarities to persons real or fictional is purely coincidental.

Gloriavale have their very own website at gloriavale. org.nz, where you can tell them about your highly fertile womb through an online form on their contact page.

Hillsong Church

Hillsong has strong roots in Australia and New Zealand — Brooke Fraser recently won them a Grammy! — so it would be the most patriotic big time cult to join. For the most part, Hillsong masquerades as a legitimate church, it’s only when you go deeper that you realize it is just God’s pyramid scheme. They’ve been building momentum recently through celebrity endorsement, counting pop superstar Justin Bieber and ASMR artist Selena Gomez among its membership. They hate gay people, don’t pay staff, and have allegations of child sexual abuse against them, but they sure do make some mild pop tunes. If you sign up to Hillsong you too can rock out without sin to some inoffensive guitar music, that can either be about someone you want 17

Banana and condom demonstrations, cringy 80s abstinence videos, and horrific STI photos forever burnt into our retinas — sex ed is memorable to say the least. However, for a lot of New Zealanders, sex ed can be memorable in all the wrong ways. Students walk away having learnt about STIs and pregnancy, but still ignorant about healthy relationships, consent, and anything outside the heterosexual, cisgender norm.

According to an Auckland University study 16-24 year olds are the most at risk demographic for sexual assault. Further international studies have shown that young people lack proper understanding as to what constitutes rape — such as the infamous study by the journal Violence and Gender, which found that men were overwhelmingly more likely to admit to sexually coercive behaviour if the word “rape” was not used.

Studies such as these clearly point to young people vitally needing sex ed that goes further than putting condoms on phallic shaped fruits.

A fortnight ago, law students protesting the recent sexual assault allegations at Wellington law firm Russell McVeagh highlighted the need for better consent education. This protest is just the latest of a series of controversies, protests, and petitions. In

March last year there were rape comments made online by Wellington College students, and a teacher at St Patrick’s Silverstream was the victim of sexual harassment. On August 7, a petition was presented to parliament from Wellington high school students demanding “better, more consistent sexuality education,” signed by over 5000 high school students.

Students and teachers alike are calling for change.

VUW students have had varying experiences with high school sex ed. One ex-VUW student, who had attended an all girls high school in Dunedin, said that almost all of her education had been abstinence based: “The most damaging thing about sex ed at my school was ‘the only truly safe way is to abstain’... that's such shitty advice.” Another theme was the lack of non-heterosexual education with the same respondent saying: “It was like heterosexual intercourse is this big, dirty, even sinful thing, but any other sexual identity was even worse. It wasn't even mentioned, not in 7 years. So for years it was a struggle to accept that I was allowed to diverge from that heterosexual narrative.” Another VUW student spoke about how some of the information given was factually incorrect: “The only actual thing I took away was that apparently you could, as an alternative to 18

Wake-up and Smell the Condoms contraception, look at the colour, smell, and consistency trained to teach sexuality education, saying: “My of your vaginal discharge to judge whether you had background is health science with a major in sports a lesser chance of getting pregnant.” Respondents to and exercise, and we learn anatomy of the sexual the Thursdays in Black — In Our Own Words survey organs, but nothing to do with consent or sexuality. But on sexuality education noted that students have had somehow that qualifies me to take health subjects [...] positive experiences with safe sex and contraception I think it’s an odd link. Historically it’s been dumped education in school, but average, below average, on the PE staff whether they’re trained for it or not”. or no experience with topics of gender, sexuality, The same student did however stress that inclusivity consent, and healthy relationships. and positivity were stressed to education students as Another aspect to this is that often in religious elements they should include. high schools, sexuality education is included not in A Wellington-based high school teacher pointed the health curriculum but in the religion curriculum. out the difficulties variables can play in providing One respondent to the TIB survey replied, “[I went to comprehensive sex ed. In her school, consent and a] Catholic Girls High School. Sex ed was taught by sexual assault was addressed at higher levels of the Religious Studies teacher who believed that there are health curriculum, meaning it wasn’t compulsory. A no genders other than boy and girl, he also thought major problem was trying to get more time dedicated that when people were with same sex partners it towards the health curriculum. She said despite her was just a phase”. Another said, “I attended a co-ed wanting more time dedicated to health, there was Catholic school that centred sexual education around often conflict between different faculties over who being the ‘Eve’ to a man’s ‘Adam’... a lot of [using] would get curriculum hours. shame as a means of control, rather than education In 2001 the NZ Ministry of Health published about sex, safety, and consent”. Another respondent the Sexuality and Reproductive Health Strategy. said that at his Catholic high school they were made to While a massive step forward from NZ’s past with watch three separate uncensored birthing videos for sexuality education, it did include some questionable their sexuality education. elements. While the strategy does state that positive Introduced in the 1920s, sex attitudes towards sexuality are though they have a priority, the major focus is on ed originally included eugenics- “Even based ideas surrounding the people coming in to check STIs and teen pregnancy, and need to expand the white New that health is being taught, the overwhelming theme is the Zealand population. There negative consequences of sex. was a public push for more there’s no consequences if it’s A study in 2010 by Sue Jackson extensive sex ed in the 1960s, not being taught adequately” and Ann Weatherall claimed with increasing STI and teen that the SRHS’s emphasis is pregnancy rates, and the establishment of groups “clearly on the socially undesirable outcomes of like New Zealand Family Planning Association. intercourse, particularly for young people,” and that However, the 1954 Police Officers Amendment Act, while it “begins by stating that positive sexuality and which banned the teaching of contraception to people sexual health are Government priorities,” it quickly under 16, slowed progress. Later national movements shifts focus to “‘negative’ aspects of sexual activity; advocating greater reproductive freedom, as well New Zealand’s increasing rates of STIs and high as the HIV/AIDS crisis, encouraged the education levels of unwanted pregnancies”. sector to rethink their approach. In 1984 New Above all the problem with sex ed is the Zealand adopted sexuality education into the health inconsistency. Not every sex ed lesson is a total horror curriculum, however specifying that teachers would story! But there are widespread discrepancies as to have to consult with parents — a specification that what students are being taught. New Zealand is an remains today. atrocious country when it comes to gender-based The New Zealand education curriculum does not violence, compared to overseas — meaning we need set in stone what teachers have to teach. This means to have a long hard think about how we want to raise that rather than having formal content guidelines, the next generation. There desperately needs to be teachers have a list of possible Standards to choose a shift in thinking from sex ed being purely a healthfrom, and write the content themselves. The only based lesson that identifies genital warts, to something checks and balances on the quality of the education that fully encompasses all social elements of sex. The is consultation with the school board and parents, New Zealand curriculum already has achievement and ERO reports. One student teacher in the field objectives surrounding understanding relationships, told Salient, “Even though they have people coming identity, sensitivity, respect, and interpersonal skills, in to check that health is being taught, there’s no but there needs to be a direct connection between consequences if it’s not being taught adequately”. what is recommended on paper, and what children They also raised the question of who is properly are actually learning.

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"Psycho"; Mental Illness in Politics and Hollywood CW: Mentions of suicide and gun violence. and deranged person”.

There has been another mass shooting in the U.S. While here in NZ our politicians may not make Need I name it, date it? Perhaps not. By the time this such blatant statements, previous governments have is published, no doubt there will have been more, but a shocking track record when it comes to addressing this will unfortunately remain just as relevant. When issues surrounding mental health. For the past nine I see the notification pop up, my stomach drops. I years, the National-led government systemically am already anticipating the same tired old routine; defunded key services in the mental health sector, the “thoughts and prayers”; the renewed calls for cutting all funding for Lifeline in 2017, as well as gun control, which inevitably go ignored; and a ignoring calls from both the public and professionals plethora of politicians placing the blame solely on the for an inquiry into state mental health services. shoulders of mentally ill people. Of “savage sickos”*.

Political rhetoric and inaction plays into the Of people like me. belief that mentally ill people are inherently violent, You see, I am one of those oh-so-dangerous antisocial, and undeserving of help — a belief which mentally ill people that you hear about so often from is fed by Hollywood tropes and a lack of public the poisonous lips of America’s president; the villain in education about mental illness. However, this is a many of Hollywood’s movies. Yes, in fact I am so much blatant falsehood. In recent research conducted by of a threat that I can’t even make a phone call or Jeffrey Swanson, a professor of psychiatry at Duke order food for myself. Tissues and cups of tea beware. University, it was found that mental illness was the Of course, this targeting of the mentally ill is neither root cause of only 4% of over ten thousand incidents a new phenomena, nor one unique to American of violence – ranging from minor crime up to mass politics. I could mention a number of examples, such shootings – in one calendar year. In fact, the group as the programs of forced sterilization that mentally most likely to commit violent crimes are white males, ill people were put through under the Nazi regime, with histories of drug abuse or bullying. Similar results or the way that patients in English lunatic asylums have been found in studies outside of the United were treated as a form of public entertainment until States, conducted in countries with comparative levels the beginning of the 20th of mental illness. This strongly century. While the treatment “Even though they have people indicates that America’s of mental illnesses today is coming in to check that health violence problem is not, as greatly at odds with these very is being taught, there’s no politicians such as Trump would recent historical examples, the consequences if it’s not being have us believe, a mental health prejudice and misinformation problem, but rather a deeper taught adequately” which have stemmed from issue within their society. No them unfortunately remain all too common, serving reason then to scapegoat people like me. to create an environment which can be incredibly Yet why should we care so much about words damaging to mentally ill people. employed by politicians on the other side of the Let’s talk about rhetoric; the ways and the words Pacific? The issue is that, in today’s increasingly with which people discuss mental illness. In the news interconnected world, the events on the other side of for example, it is all too common to hear words such the planet are heard and discussed just as much over as “psychopath”, “crazy”, and “mental” bandied here. The audience commanded by people like Trump around, in articles, interviews, and talk pieces. These is no longer limited to those in their own countries, but words all carry heavily negative connotations, and now expands to anyone who cares to tune in. As such, while it may not seem like much, this helps to build the way in which he and others like him discuss mental a culture of stigma surrounding mental illness. My illnesses now has far more impact around the globe, friends and I are either painted as dangers to society, thus breeding the culture of stigma which makes it so or social dropouts who have somehow failed an difficult for people to reach out for help. However, unwritten test, simply because our brains — through politicians are far from being the only culprits. As I no fault of our own — have failed to produce the right mentioned earlier, Hollywood, and indeed the film amounts of certain chemicals. industry as a whole, is particularly good at using Politicians don’t help. Mentally ill people have, in mental health conditions to provide the villains they recent years, become something of a political football. need for their dramatic plot lines. A recent example In the United States, we are blamed for seemingly of this is the film Split, which flagrantly misrepresents every shooting, and all incidents of domestic terrorism. Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D), in order to give In November of 2017, Donald Trump responded to the film a terrifying bad guy. The main character, Kevin, another mass shooting by claiming that “mental health is presented as a person diagnosed with D.I.D, who is [the] problem here,” and when eight people were is locked in a constant battle for control over his body killed in New York by a man who drove a truck into with his twenty-something different “personalities”, them, he described the perpetrator as a “very sick which includes one called “the beast”; a persona 21

"Psycho"; Mental Illness in Politics and Hollywood which physically warps his appearance into something horrific, granting him superhuman strength. This ignores the complexities of D.I.D. No mental health condition can change the strength or appearance of someone, however slapping a diagnosis on it not only grants a handy explanation which patches up a number of plot holes, but it also takes the demonisation of mentally ill people to a very literal extreme. This is incredibly concerning, for it feeds into the narrative of mental illness being synonymous with violence, thus serving to further stigmatise those with mental health conditions.

All of this negative language, blatant misrepresentation, and misinformation helps to breed a culture of fear and stigma against mental illness, and mentally ill people, making life harder for those who experience it. But why do we as a society continue to perpetuate it? Why, when in any given year one fifth of the population will experience some form of mental illness, do we still buy into these tropes of people like me being dangerous? Of mental illness being synonymous with violence? How, despite all evidence to the contrary, can so many people still accept and espouse the belief that mental illness is somehow the fault of the person suffering? Perhaps it is a self-perpetuating cycle; I know not. All I know is that it makes me angry. It hurts, to see myself, my friends, painted as violent criminals. I feel terrified when I see people buying into this culture, saying that all mentally ill “psychos” should be locked up or shot to keep society safer. And above all else, it makes me furious, and deeply, unspeakably sad, when one of my closest friends tells me that they don’t feel able to seek the help that they so desperately need, because they do not want to be seen as weak. As a monster.

A freak.

In a recent seminar at my hall of residence, which dealt with how to get along well with others, we were told not to talk about our negative emotions.

The underlying message was never explicitly stated, but to anyone listening it was clear; these incredibly human experiences were somehow a thing of shame, a failing, which would reflect badly upon us if people knew about them. This horrified me, as teaching that sense of disgrace is a sure-fire way to stop people from seeking help. Our suicide rates here in New Zealand are disproportionately high for our population, and shame, as well as fear of judgement, are precisely why it took me three years to even think about approaching a counsellor for the first time. I hid this all from the people around me, as I was utterly terrified of being seen as some sort of sick freak, or dumb dropout just looking for sympathy. By that point I had become convinced by those very same stigmatising messages that having this condition made me a failure. To my mind, my mental illness was entirely my fault.

Let’s talk a bit more about mental illness in New

Zealand. In the recent election cycle, mental illness, and mental health services, became a significant talking point, and rightly so. In the year ending June 2017, 606 New Zealanders took their own lives, the third year in a row that that figure has increased.

For a country with a population as small and as interconnected as New Zealand, this is a massive number. We have the dubious honour of having the highest rate of youth suicide in the OECD, and I have come across many people who seem to think that having a mental illness is a choice, or some sort of personal failing. Unfortunately, those sorts of archaic ideas, as reinforced by Hollywood stereotypes and international politics, only serve to make suicide rates worse, as the demographics overrepresented in those statistics are the ones who are the least likely to reach out for help, precisely because of such stigma. Thankfully, as more people, and activists such as Mike King, are beginning to speak up and strike back against the stigma surrounding having a mental health condition, more attention is being drawn to the dismal state of our public mental health services, as well as spreading the message that having a mental illness is not something to be ashamed of. This pushback is beginning to yield results, with the new Labour-led government recently announcing a long overdue inquiry into our mental health systems. As someone who has experienced the public system firsthand, I welcomed this news with open arms, for to me this indicates the start of a shift in the way that we discuss mental illness, as well as a promise of a higher standard of support for people in need. When mental illness is discussed with respect rather than derision by those at the highest levels of government, it sends the message that the 20% of the population who experience mental health issues each year are valid; not simply “making it up for attention”, or violent people who should be locked up. Rather, we are seen as people deserving of support. This all goes to show that when we begin to shift our rhetoric around mental illness, progress will follow.

So perhaps there is light, however faint, at the end of this long tunnel. We’re certainly better off than we were fifty years ago. As more people are beginning to speak up about their own experiences, others see that they are not a failure for having a mental illness.

Our statistics surrounding suicide remain horrifying, but the conversations we have around mental health are beginning to shift in tone, at least here in New Zealand. Though we still have a long way to go, there is perhaps some reason for hope. We must start seeing mentally ill people for who they are; as humans, with lives, loves, and ambitions. These damaging stereotypes spring from centuries old fear and misunderstandings, and the only way to fix them is to challenge them head on. * Donald Trump tweet, February 22nd, 2018 22

Home Whether or not I noticed The city was changing Before my eyes, evolving And it was leaving me behind Walking under the bridge The river tried to lap at my feet I was young then, the nights Were long, more alive Lights change over time Now they blur with every step As I stagger home an adult Looking for somewhere else to be - Harvey Aughton

submit poems to poetry@salient.org.nz

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Zac Sutton, Untitled, Digital Ill

lustration, 297 x 420cm, 2015

During a panic-fuelled Warehouse trip at the start of my first year, I bought an automatic potato peeler, like I was some middle-aged rich woman who wanted to learn cooking with minimal effort. Protip: just buy a potato peeler! Works just as well. So do knives. Use a knife if you don’t have a spare $1 for a peeler (it happens, deal with it). Just watch your fingers, or you’ll find yourself walking to the nearest hospital. Did you know that ambulances cost money? What the fuck, right? Just tie a towel around your fingers and walk. If it’s too far, maybe fork out the money for a bus and shove your towel-covered hand in your backpack so they actually let you on.

Who needs them? Big dumb heat boxes that add to your power bill. No, your new best friend is your microwave. Want some chips? Just microwave those suckers! They’ll come out a little soggy, sure, but it’s a lot cheaper than oven-baking, and it’s all the same to your stomach. Remember that thing your parents said about how microwaving food sucks out its nutrients? No truth in it. Defamatory microwave slander.

Watch out for events that have free meals. There are flyers everywhere around campus. A beach clean-up with a free picnic afterwards? Good for the environment, your wallet, and your stomach all at once! Introductory lunch for the chess club? Pretend to be interested and ignore their follow-up emails!

Postgrad brunch? Make up a backstory in case anyone asks and try to look over 23.

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Do you really need to wear new clothes every day? This is uni, no one’s going to judge you if you show up in the same shirt two (or five) days in a row. We’re all in the same sinking boat.

If they do judge you, then they haven’t reached that stage yet, and they’ve got a big storm coming. If you want to save on the water and power bill by cutting back on laundry, start turning your underwear inside out to wear it more than once! Spray your clothes with deodorant to hide the smell! If you’re past the point of caring, you don’t even need to bother with deodorant.

Embrace your inner swamp animal. Try broadcasting: “I haven’t slept in two days, I have four assignments due tomorrow and I’ve started on none of them, don’t fuck with me.” We’ve all been there.

Don’t buy them. Seriously. I’m in my 2nd-and-a-half year of majoring in English, which is specifically based around reading books, and I have never brought one single text from the course list. Download illegal PDFs. Go to the library. Beg, borrow, and steal off your friends. If you’re not up for stealing, go into Vic Books and sit in the store and just read them. Sure, it might get you told off by a staff member who asks you what you’re doing and when you mumble “um, reading,” she’ll glare at you in a way that makes you feel like an 8-year-old getting told off by a teacher and tell you this isn’t a library — but it can work as long as no-one notices. My record is 45 minutes, during which I was able to read enough of the book read to pass the exam.

Toilet paper: Okay, let’s get real: it’s easy to use too much.

You just grab and wipe. But you don’t need much to do the job. Don’t wad, just take a few squares and be careful of your fingers. The less you use, the longer it lasts.

Speaking of toilet paper: Public bathrooms are plentiful. If you’re running short this week and don’t have the cash to get more, maybe pop in to the toilets in your local McDonalds and shove a roll or two of loo paper in your handbag. It can be worth finding out what public toilets near you have those protectors that you can’t get into without a screwdriver, and which have ones you can just reach in and grab. Happy hunting!

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Columns

Presidential Address

VUWSA

Marlon Drake

Bethany Paterson

CW: Sexual violence.

We’ve done a lot of work around sexual assault and harassment lately. We’ve launched the Don’t Guess The Yes campaign, brought Thursdays in Black to our campus in a really creative way, and last week we fully did a march from Law School to Midland Park, outside the Russell McVeagh offices. If you can’t tell already, this is an area VUWSA is quite passionate about. But why?

Sexual assault and harassment might be seen by some as oddly specific issues for us to be investing so many resources in (I’ll quickly reassure you now, we spend just as much time and energy on a raft of other issues), but the reason we have a strong focus on this area is because it is a prominent symptom of a wider cultural issue. The reason sexual assault and harassment occurs in the way it does is because of a larger equity issue within our culture that ultimately forges a path to negative behaviour. This behaviour manifests itself quite strongly within certain parts of our society, whether it be a powerful and intensely hierarchal law firm, a nightclub, or within parts of a university community. The common theme here is that this behaviour occurs in places where there is a power imbalance tipped generally in favour of males.

Pause! Wait! Please keep reading! I am not going to go on a rant about why you need to start identifying as a feminist. My (possibly controversial) advice is to skip past that, and instead think just about the issue, about why this behaviour occurs. Is statistical evidence that reported sexual harassment and assault in our community is largely more often perpetrated by males purely coincidental? Is that catcall really “just a compliment”? Or is it more likely that sometimes, as dudes, we underestimate the power and privilege in our actions, and in our words, and that can have a negative impact on others.

Anyway got a bit academic with this week’s yarn, but give it a think yeah?

We had a rally! The “March on Midland” happened last week – there was a lot of chanting, yelling, and swearing as we let out our emotions towards sexual violence (it’s bad!). Huge moment for students, as we saw the rest of New Zealand wake up and listen to us for a hot minute.

But all of this is by-the-by because the takeaway is that I was on the news. And that means I am now a minor celebrity so far as my family is concerned.

Mixed reviews were in from my 96-year-old granny.

She was confused about why we were wearing black and why I had black stripes on my face. This was the stand-out feature for her. But on the plus side for me, she also says she’s never met anyone who organized a rally before.

This is big because she’s probably met a lot of people in her 96 years. News of my celebrity status reached my younger brother in the UK through Snapchat. His friends had snapped videos of me yelling into a megaphone.

This was “cool”.

My mum said that she had sent the link of me on the news to all of her friends and our family. She has also been telling acquaintances that I was on the news when she sees them around Christchurch.

My dad sent me a formal email titled “love you”. This is a good way for my dad to express his feelings, and made me quite emotional also. Love you too dad.

No acknowledgement so far from my other sibling in the UK. If there’s no supportive message soon, mum will likely prod them to do so.

I have also been addressed as “superstar” by coworkers.

This is all quite enough spotlight for me. Please help speed my return to anonymity by taking up the collective baton to end sexual violence by speaking up LOUD in your community. I promise that at the very least my family will be proud of you.

But getting serious, contact me at welfare@vuwsa. org.nz if you’re keen to get involved in the next steps post-rally. It’s not enough to have a rally, get on the news, and call it a day. We’re gonna be working hard to get actual culture change, so that by the time our first years graduate, they’ll be going into workplaces with zero tolerance to sexual assault and harassment. And we’ll be chuffed knowing they’ll be safe.

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How do you know when you’re officially an “adult”?

Because I’m 23 — someone on Tinder called me a fucking cougar the other day, surely it’s all downhill from here — and I sure as shit don’t feel like an adult yet.

I do engage in adult-type activities. I work, I study, I pay bills. I send emails with a signature on them and everything. But I don’t really have anything more going for me in this regard. Realistically, the only thing I’m consistently and frequently capable of is rolling joints.

Sub-adult is probably a better term to describe me at this point in my life. I kinda look grown up, but mostly feel like an child playing dress-up in corporate attire. I kinda act like an adult, but should probably have a minder, or a nanny, or a sponsor to regulate my alcohol intake.

Maybe the measure of being an adult just making Better Choices™. While I quite clearly do not have my shit all the way together, on balance, I’ve been making some pretty fucking mature decisions lately (admittedly, this article is not one of them).

Case in point, I don’t really know how to feed myself. I can’t cook much beyond boiled eggs. I’ve been known to text friends asking if the Sweet Chilli Philly I ate for “dinner” is good to also eat for “breakfast”, after it was left half-eaten beside my bed the entire night. Top Tips with Sash: Sweet Chilli Philly is absolutely not okay to eat if it’s been left out of the fridge overnight (the “Sash do not eat that warm sour cream” text came too late).

Yes, I reckon I blew a whole paycheck on shots of tequila last Friday night, however, I didn’t drunkenly text “miss you” or some such other bullshit at 3am to the guy I recently stopped seeing, which is pretty fucking impressive if you ask me.

Yes, I did Uber up to a flat affectionately referred to as “the brothel” at 4am after work a couple of weeks ago to get rekt and slide down their staircase on a mattress, however, I did send myself home at 6.30am when a round of lines was suggested. That’s a big time Adult Decision™ right there.

The bare minimum of adult life admin also seems beyond me — my bedroom curtains are coming off the rails and I can’t for the life of me be bothered fixing them so I just safety-pin them together at the top (insert something about that being a metaphor for my life here). A lot of the time I don’t even do that, which is the story of how my flatmate inadvertently saw my asshole while I was mid sloppy, drunken hook-up.

Yes, I “accidentally” got day-drunk three times last week, but I used the Dutch courage to have a couple of difficult and necessary conversations about boundaries.

If anything, my skin has become worse as I’ve approached adulthood. The fucking Government went and banned microbeads and now I can’t get the one face wash that worked for me. Why does your desire for a cleaner ocean trump the pleasure I get from having clear skin, Jacinda?

In the end, I think maybe adulthood is just about being a functional alcoholic. Better living everyone.

Love you, xoxo

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Columns

NT: Te Ara Tauira

CanDo Lilli Street

Connection

What is disability?

Connection is a sense of belonging. Connection is uniting as one. Connection is our history. Throughout the Pacific there is an unseen connection that ties us all together. It’s like a single strand of thread, weaved into one to make a beautiful mat. Like a single drop of water brought together to create a great ocean. Like a single speck of sand, lying on a sandy beach.

Sometimes the answers to questions we have can be hard to find. Spending hours putting keywords into google with no intelligible response can be frustrating and fruitless — especially terms like disability, which encompasses a diverse range of impairments.

The Pacific Ocean is the biggest body of sea in the entire world. In my small journey through the realm of waka hourua I have learned that we all come from one ocean, which means we are all one people. The Pacific is the bridge that brings us as Pacific Islanders together. It is a long line of whakapapa, or geneology, that is brought together under tangaroa.

My longest trip in the open water was 21 days at sea.

We were on our way back from the Cook Islands, on the same path our tīpuna had once travelled on their main journey to Aotearoa. I was 16 at the time and still had so much to learn about the kaupapa and the history of the great migration. Although I was young, I could feel in the air a sense of pride, of belonging and responsibility.

We were on a similar vessel to what our tīpuna would have once used to travel the high seas. We were using traditional knowledge passed down from our tīpuna to travel from place to place and we were on the same Pacific highway that was frequently used many years ago. The fresh sea breeze, the cleanliness of the air, the sound of the water hugging the side of the waka is a feeling that cannot be described.

A waka hourua is a vessel of influence and of connection.

It is a vessel of pride, a vessel of knowledge, and of our past. It is a gift from our ancestors and a way of connecting. Waka hourua unites us as one. Eo Te Moana Nui a Kiwa.

Pounamu Tipiwai Chambers

Here at Victoria, Disability Services uses this definition: “We view disability as a diverse and complex phenomenon, reflecting an interaction between an individual and their environment.”

This might seem a bit vague, but it does define disability.

Often we consider a disability to be the impairment that someone has, but disability occurs when society assumes that everyone interacts with their environment in the same way.

For example, someone who uses a mobility aid such as a wheelchair or cane could have restricted movement in a building that only has stairs. Someone who has a visual impairment could need a note-taker for lectures, or accessible technology so that they can interact with their notes. These things seem obvious, but disabled people regularly encounter situations where what is considered normal doesn't work for them.

But what is normal? The answer is an extensively diverse and beautiful world — but for disabled people, their experience is seen as abnormal, despite being part of the human experience.

Why should we define disability? Because disabled people deserve accessibility to everyday life, no matter how they interact with their environment or what needs they have. By defining disability, we can create more avenues for accessibility.

Much love, Lilli

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Going to Heaven for all of eternity seems like it would be pretty great. In fact, it seems so awesome that any finite sacrifice I could make during my life would be worth it if it meant I got to go to Heaven. Given that, why don’t I make the finite sacrifice of choosing to believe in God? After all, if it turns out that God exists and rewards believers, then I’ve just won myself an eternity in Heaven; if that’s not the case, then at worst I’ll have behaved a little irrationally during my life. Even if I think that the probability that God exists is very very low (say, 0.000001%), the benefits of going to Heaven are infinitely large, so I should still choose to believe in God. This argument is called Pascal’s Wager, after the 17th century mathematician who invented it, and it’s a much-derided and often-dismissed argument. But the philosopher Amanda Askell argues that many of the common objections people present to it actually don’t stand up to critical examination.

Consider, for example, the “Many Gods Objection,” which proceeds roughly as follows: Pascal’s Wager states that, since going to Heaven has infinite value, believing in God has infinite expected value. (Expected value is the product of the probability of an outcome and its value – and anything times infinity is infinity.) But in addition to a God who rewards believers, there are many other possible gods. For example, maybe an Atheist-Loving God exists, who only sends atheists to heaven. Then, even if the probability that an Atheist-Loving God exists is very low (say, 0.00000000000001%), being an atheist has infinite expected value, and we should therefore be atheists.

The reason this argument is flawed, Askell argues, is that not all infinite expected values are equal. Suppose, she says, that you turn up to the gates of Heaven, and find two doors. St Peter tells you that if you go through Door A, you will be guaranteed to go into Heaven. If

you go through Door B, there’s a 1% chance you’ll go into Heaven, and a 99% chance that you’ll be instantly destroyed. Since Heaven has infinite value, both Door A and Door B have infinite expected value, but obviously Door A is much better than Door B. Similarly, as long as the probability that the traditional God exists is higher than the probability that the Atheist-Loving God exists, we ought to believe in the traditional God, even though both options have infinite expected value.

So as long we think that, out of all the possible Gods that could exist, a God who rewards belief is the most likely to exist, and as long as there is some nonzero probability that we have voluntary control over our beliefs, then we ought to try to believe in God. Is this it? Have we solved the atheism-religion dispute?

Not quite. Our understanding of how to think about cases like Pascal’s Wager – cases involving outcomes with very large (or infinite) value – is still very limited. Consider, for example, an argument by philosopher Nick Bostrom, humorously entitled “Pascal’s Mugging”, which proceeds roughly as follows.

If you – the reader of these words – deposit $20 into my bank account, I promise to use my magical powers to give you an arbitrarily large amount of value tomorrow.

As long as you think there is a nonzero chance that I am telling the truth (even if the chance is very very small), I can promise you an amount of value that will make the expected value of taking this deal be way more than $20. For example, suppose you think that the probability that I have these magical powers is 0.00000001%.

Then I can promise you $2,000,000,000 worth of value, such that the expected value of giving me $20 is 200,000,000,000*0.0000001 = $2000, which makes it worth it for you to deposit the $20.

Would you deposit the $20?

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Columns

Mauri Ora

PSC: One Ocean

Gerard Hoffman

PSC Executive

The six week dip : is it real and what to do about it Every year, I hear students saying that this year things will be different, that they are feeling hopeful and positive, that they will keep up with their workload, and attend every class. I see them a month later, looking stressed and pessimistic, needing support for extensions, and already not enjoying their studies.

While there is nothing magic about the six week mark, it does seem to fit as the time it takes for students to start feeling bad. Assignments are due, and the weather is starting to turn cold and gray. Psychologically, six weeks is also the time that evidence says it takes us to adjust to a new and challenging situation. It’s also about the time it takes to bed in a new pattern of behaviour or habit so that it becomes unconscious.

This means that you can (with a bit of intentional effort!) take this six week “dip” and turn it in to a six week “challenge” whereby you take charge of what is an inevitable time of adjustment and avoid it being debilitating. Here’s my advice:

Expect that the early honeymoon period of the year will quickly fade.

Put a plan in place from day one for how you will keep your day and yourself healthy and satisfying: exercise, socialise, eat well, take breaks, turn up to everything, and think positive — every single day. Remember that new positive habits take six weeks to become habitual.

Avoid isolating yourself, procrastinating, and feeling hopeless.

Remember that everyone experiences tough times.

Don’t be afraid to re-negotiate your work life balance.

Drop a paper, say no to an obligation or commitment, pick up a life enhancing activity or pastime.

Take action to change something you are unhappy about: talk to your friend, RA, tutor, family member, or student support service.

Attend a free wellbeing workshop to build self confidence, manage stress and anxiety, to learn to stop procrastinating, and to sleep better. victoria.ac.nz/ wellbeing - Gerard Hoffman, Manager, Student Counselling

Talofa lava! Malo e lelei! Ni sa bula Vinaka! Kia Orana!

Gud de tru olgeta! Malo Ni! Fakaalofa lahi atu! Mauri!

Warm Pacific greetings!

Super late to the game, but a warm Pacific welcome to all our new and returning students. You’ve done yourself a solid by choosing the best university in NZ! So, congratulations! Whatever the obstacles you’ve faced, you’re here now, you’re back, and that’s all that matters.

We know this year is going to be a great year! (Just speak it into existence!!)

Now you’re probably wondering who “we” are. Well, we are the Pasifika Students’ Council, a representative group for Pasifika students at VUW. We promote discussion and action ensuring Pasifika student issues are recognised and taken into account. We also do fancy things like organising social and cultural events for our students, to uphold our vibrant cultures and relationships.

This year we are very excited to oversee 10 different Pasifika Student Associations, some of which would provide a great opportunity for you to take part, whether to reconnect with your own culture, or learn about another! We promise, it will make your experience here at VUW a whole lot better. We have the Cook Islands Students’ Association, Fijian Students’ Association, Melanesian Students’ Association, Papua New Guinea Students’ Association, Pacific Island Commerce Students’ Association, Pacific Island Law Students’ Society, Samoan Students’ Association, Tokelau Students’ Association, Tongan Students’ Association, and the Tuvalu Students’ Association. Don’t be afraid to get in touch with one of these student associations or PSC, we don’t bite!

You can contact us via email — pasifikavuw@ outlook.com or follow us on Facebook - Pasifika Students’ Council, Instagram - @psc.2018, or Snapchat - psc.vuw to keep up to date with our upcoming events. OR you can pop in to see us at Pasi Haos – 15 Mount Street (at the very bottom of the steep hill by the Student Union Building) and meet your executive for 2018!

All the very best for this year! Lesgooooo

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From the Archives Max Nichol Robbie: “Chemical, harsh, it physically hurt the inside of my nose, pleasant.”

Vincent: “Hints of an unplaceable vegetable – a sweet red onion peppercorn medley.”

Students, for better or worse, are known for their propensity to get stupidly plastered on the cheapest shit possible. This is usually the assumption upon which any discussion of alcohol in Salient takes place. However, CB Black’s seminal “Wine: to be drunk intelligently”, published in Salient in March 31, 1965, stands apart from this debauchery.

Black speaks about wine with an almost obnoxious earnestness. He covers the merits of particular French regions, he lists proper food pairings, he delivers a treatise on the proper storage and uncorking of a bottle of Bordeaux, and so much more. He is 1965’s answer to Craft Beer Guys.

But I was also intrigued to know what I was missing.

Spurred by Black’s words, I was determined to achieve the same enlightenment, to ascend to a higher plane and spread the vintage gospel. To this end, I gathered the b o y s and hit up a BYO. Black categorically rules out curry and Chinese food as pairings for wine, but I defy you to find a BYO in Wellington which doesn’t serve one or both of these. We went to Istana Malaysia.

As disciples of CB Black, we were bound to follow his steps to wine-tasting. As an instructive guide to modern Salient readers I present those steps, along with the highlights from our observations:

Max (Tiki Estate 2016 Sauvignon Blanc, $14.99): “Like lemon and lime Ajax cleaning product, spring onions, and jelly beans.”

Liam: “Sour, clammy, kind of shit – like licking the wall of a cave.”

Avi: “I surprisingly don’t hate it, definitely better than the 5 beers I had prior [because I’m a bit of a cool guy].”

Vincent: “Warm and buttery, especially in the lingering fragrance.”

Liam: “Warming, but in a ‘drinking acid’ kind of way.

Hurts quite a bit.”

Avi: “Max, what the hell am I meant to say to this???”

Black is insistent that drinking wine was not for the purpose of getting “happy”. I was initially smug, looking around the restaurant at people downing their bottles, drunkenness their objective. “These fools, these dullards,” I thought, shaking my head, “These philistines. It’s like they don’t even know that the wine is the objective!”

Unfortunately, having finished our notes, things devolved for my party of budding sommeliers. Someone dropped a 20c piece in my glass and I had to down it to “Save the Queen” (tasting notes: copper, zinc, the filthy hands of one hundred strangers). All bets were off. Levels of “happiness” ensued which would make Black spin in the grave he may or may not occupy.

Has “From the Archives” already shed any pretence that it will provide any kind of informed historical insight and/or analysis? Perhaps. See you in two weeks.

Robbie (Selak’s 2016 Zesty Sauvignon Blanc, $16.99 with Club Card): “Very much like urine after 6 beers.”

Avi (Church Road 2017 Pinot Gris, $12): “[Urine with] the straw-colouring of a man who drinks the required 8 cups [of water] a day.”

Vincent (Selak’s 2016 Buttery Chardonnay, $16.99 with Club Card): “Mildly yellow, like mildly dehydrated urine.”

(i.e. smell the wine) Liam (Old Coach Road 2016 Pinot Noir, $9.99 with Club Card): “Vinegar, but vaguely fruity – plummy, but bad.”

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Music

Music

YOUNG FATHERS – COCOA SUGAR REVIEW: JOSH ELLERY

TRACK REVIEW: DOONS - "I’LL BE AROUND" REVIEW: OLI CHEYNE

The third full-length album from Scottish experimental hip-hop trio Young Fathers is one that has to be heard. Cocoa Sugar, the follow-up to 2015’s volatile White Men Are Black Men Too and 2014’s Mercury Prize-winning Dead, sees the group expanding their already stellar back catalogue, and taking their sound to new heights.

My first impression of this record was how streamlined and tight it is. At a lean 36 minutes, Cocoa Sugar flies by. Contributing to this are the mass of slick pop hooks offset by urgent lyrics and production.

There are all sorts of influences present here too – the usual experimental hip-hop edge; a sort of dirty gospel or soul influence, even a hint of pop music.

To build on that last one, album highlights “In My View” and “Border Girl” both feature earworm hooks and choral backing against seamless production. I don’t think that many tracks from WMABMT or Dead could be described in such a way, evidently pointing to an expansion of a winning formula. The same braggadocio and political urgency are present still, especially on “Fee Fi”, “Wire”, or the stunning “Holy Ghost” – the latter of which is driven through complex rhyme schemes and confident emceeing.

Cocoa Sugar is an absolute highlight for Young Fathers – it may be their best album yet. I admire that Young Fathers have been able to stick to what makes them special as a group, while adding and experimenting with the formula. As with their previous projects, this record is dense, and rewards multiple listens. I’ve found something new to freak about each time I’ve heard this album, and as a result I can’t stop listening. There’s no other group that sounds like these guys, which is such a rare and refreshing comment to be able to make about music in the 21st century.

After a long, hot summer break in Wellington, the first track from Elliott Harris in 2018 has been put out to the world under the name Doons, reminding you of the summer fling that slipped through your fingers as you reluctantly made the journey back to University, hoping that things may spark up again in the future.

Harris’s voice begins the song, followed by brooding guitar lines that match the lyrics in emotional weight and intensity. It is a bittersweet track, but optimistically uplifting as the chorus proclaims, “I’ll be around, call me when you’re down”. An energetic and intimate song, Harris has provided us with a gem of a track waiting to be added to your late-night playlist, or to accompany your melancholic daydreams as you pass the afternoon by.

“I’ll Be Around” is the first glimpse of what we can expect from the 20-year-old Wellington artist, who is currently a third-year student at VUW. After the release of his debut solo EP last year under the moniker beardboy, entitled Institution, Harris has launched his latest project, taking a new approach to his music, with the inclusion of full band instrumentation behind his voice. This new approach has created a fresh indie froth track that gets better with each listen, as you fall into the comforting lyrics and lush guitar melodies that build, finally leaving you yearning for more as you play it again without hesitation.

Available on Spotify, Apple Music, and SoundCloud, this track is just the first taste of what’s to come for Doons. You can expect to see Harris’s star rise within the Wellington music scene and beyond, as we eagerly await the release of his second single in the next few weeks, and his EP in the coming months.

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Music CONCERT REVIEW: JORDI SAVALL, HESPERION XXI REVIEW: PATRICK HAYES

Having never attended an “early music” performance, I walked into this New Zealand Festival concert with a completely fresh palate. A Spanish folk ensemble featuring traditional instruments was something I never expected to find in Wellington, let alone attend.

I trusted my friend’s instincts as he bought the tickets, however, and sheepishly followed him into the stalls, making sure he had purchased tickets for the back middle section (a handy hint for those who don’t regularly attend concerts at the Michael Fowler Centre; try your best to avoid close to the front, and avoid the sides of the stage like the plague!).

What I found in the auditorium was a very homely atmosphere. The instruments, both old and new in classical music terms, were lying almost artistically on the stage floor, propped against chairs, hanging from stands. The number of people in this auditorium — pretty much completely full! — let me know I was in for something special. Then the performers walked on stage. A dozen people, mostly dressed in black, with a few in traditional Spanish clothing,took their place amongst the exotic but strikingly familiar instruments.

Even when they began tuning, it felt like the music had already begun. The ensemble’s harpist provided the tuning for the rest of the ensemble, strumming arpeggiated chords in A, at various registers, which rang through the auditorium.

The concert from that point on was awash with the sounds of Spain. The strums of multiple guitars

of different sizes, shapes, and tessituras wandered around the auditorium, waltzing away with the sounds of violins. The instruments were gorgeous, even when seen from my seat near the back of the auditorium: beautifully carved guitars and ancient instruments, some of which looked brand new or refurbished heavily, but must have been centuries old. The music was old too, dating back to 16th and 17th century Spain.

The concert was not your run-of-the-mill concert, that your friends who don’t listen to classical would class as “boring shit that I would never listen to”. The music was full of life, and almost made you want to run on stage and join the women flamenco dancing to the ringing castanets, and the men parading around them. The applause after the end of each piece rang out louder and louder as the night went on.

Our request for an encore was met with great enthusiasm by the ensemble, and they did not disappoint. The night ended with a lively and soulful rendition of a traditional Spanish piece, showcasing one of their smallest instruments, a guitar named the “mosquito”. Its strums were light but pervasive, ringing alongside the voices of the singers, and the virtuosity of viols and violins alike.

The concert ended there, but I had a strong yearning for more. I always treasure experimenting with and exploring new genres of music, and I hope to attend many more early music concerts in the future.

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Art TOI ART REVIEW: SIOBHON MOORE Recently, Te Papa Tongarewa showed off their new Toi Art space, after months of closure and an $8.4 million renovation. The space was opened to the sound of a pātē drum echoing through the new galleries, and a double lei being placed over Jacinda Ardern’s shoulders.

However, if you don’t have a similarly spectacular welcome into Toi Art, you might be forgiven for thinking that it is still undergoing some kind of construction. In Détour, the opening exhibition, Michael Parekowhai has taken the art off the walls and placed them into a space reminiscent of a construction site for a theme park. The steel scaffold of Forest Etiquette, (2018) stretches up from the fourth floor to the fifth. Cased in crystalline acrylic tree trunks, the structure winds and twists around an eclectic collection of preexisting works of art, which Parekowhai has “mined” from the museum’s collection, including various works by Frances Hodgkins, and Colin McCahon’s Northland Panels (1958), alongside loaned objects, such as works

by Marcel Duchamp. Sitting within the “independent structure”, separate from the walls of the gallery, this new framing device allows us access to parts of the work we usually cannot access, such as the back of the works. Some works are held above our heads, entirely out of reach, forcing our necks into a less-thanideal viewing position. Peppered around the gallery are fiberglass bobble-head monkeys and a giant elephant, their unexplained presence further adding to the absence of normality in this art experience.

Détour purports to be a critical response, encouraging us to re-contextualise our opinion of the gallery experience, and while it certainly rapidly repositions the viewer and succinctly addresses existing anxieties about expected art behaviour (such as appropriate viewing positions), one starts to wonder if this cheapens the experience. But perhaps

this is the point. There is an air of absurdity in sharing a park bench with a bobble-head monkey. Wondering what your fraudulent fiberglass companion thinks of the vast history of art on display in front of him is a previously inconceivable experience to have within the art space of our national museum.

While Détour is the most unconventionally demanding exhibition in the new gallery spaces, there are four other exhibitions which are all worth a brief mention.

Lisa Walker’s I want to go to my bedroom but I can’t be bothered, is a fascinating retrospective of the jeweler's 30 year career, presented in a refreshingly simple yet playful manner.

Tūrangawaewae: Art and New Zealand is a striking red-walled salon style antithesis to Parekowhai’s reconfiguration of the lower gallery.

Tūrangawaewae showcases a national identity through the museum’s art, spanning from historical portraiture to contemporary works which address the tension of nationhood and belonging.

Kaleidoscope: Abstract Aotearoa is a pleasurable explosion of creative exploration through colour and noise. A highlight is Tiffany Singh’s Total Internal Reflection (2018), simultaneously a reflective space, waiting receive other’s emotions, and the most popular space for selfies.

Pacific Sisters: Fashion Activists feels like the most information rich exhibition. The multitude of different mediums on display — costume, film, performance, photography and music — creates a rich platform in which to celebrate the mana wāhine the collective has displayed over the past 26 years.

Everywhere you turn in Toi Art there is another gallery waiting to be explored. It feels as if the alluringly soft, waxed plaster exterior walls of the gallery shouldn't be able to hold everything in.

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Film

Film

BEARS IN FILM THE NEW: PADDINGTON 2 (2017) REVIEW: MEG DOUGHTY

BEARS IN FILM (NOT ACTUALLY ABOUT BEARS) THE NEW(ER): ANNIHILATION (2018) REVIEW: EMMA MAGUIRE

When the world of uni, Studylink, and your damp Aro Valley flat feels especially cold and cruel, snuggle yourself up and put on Paddington 2. If you haven’t seen the first instalment, Paddington, I would highly recommend a double feature.

Be careful when watching Paddington. I was feeling a little emotionally vulnerable and was in full blown tears in the first ten minutes, sobbing “they better be f**king nice to Paddington”. At least I knew I was invested.

Hugh Bonneville and Sally Hawkins are especially delightful as the bear’s caretakers, and the titular character, voiced by the gorgeous Ben Whishaw, will make you cry, sigh, and laugh your socks off. In Paddington 2 Hugh Grant’s excellent (self aware?) performance of an actor past his prime is rather tongue in cheek, carrying great comedic value. The rest of the cast includes every British actor you’ve ever seen on television, and they all do splendidly.

However, the stand out of the film is its bright colour palette, and equally vibrant script. The writing is truly excellent, and not one part of the narrative is irrelevant. The writers trust their audience to recollect and connect events in a very adult way, while also creating ridiculous situations everyone can laugh at.

Genuinely, there are several pee-your-pants laughs in this film.

If your fancy is tickled by absurdity, kind hearts, and Hugh Bonneville doing yoga, this is the film for you. Paddington and his shenanigans (because this is a film that will make you want to use words like shenanigans) are chicken soup for the soul in the best of ways. So if you don’t have plans this evening, or even if you do, put on Paddington 2.

Annihilation scared me shitless and I’m not even ashamed to say that. After it was released on Netflix a couple of weeks back, post-Paramount’s weird removal of it from Kiwi cinemas (because they thought it was too intellectual, come on), I watched it in the dark late at night and freaked the absolute fuck out.

This film isn’t a horror film in the traditional sense.

It’s sci-fi, a psychological thriller, and horror, all rolled into one. Former soldier Lena (Natalie Portman) decides to venture into the ‘Shimmer” — a mysterious scientific anomaly — to figure out what caused the near-death of her husband. She, along with four other women with nothing to lose, discovers that the world within the “Shimmer” is quite unlike their own. They must stop the Shimmer’s spread before it consumes Earth.

Annihilation is a stunning celebration of life, death, and the self-destructive nature of humanity.

The wordless climax of the film (and I will not give you any spoilers, but it is stunning and horrific in equal measures) reads exactly like an allegory for depression. Lena’s own self is what is trapping her, and without a lifeline out of her head, she’s unable to escape.

This film is brutal, there’s no doubt about that. It pulls no punches with the bloodiness and the violence of some of its scenes.The “bear” scene in particular stuck with me for hours after I finished watching.

Annihilation is not light sci-fi, but it’s smart sci-fi; forcing you to confront your humanity, your grief, and how you see the world, which is surely the greatest power that fiction has to offer.

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Podcast WAKING UP WITH SAM HARRIS REVIEW: JASPER MARSHALL

I was first introduced to Sam Harris via his now somewhat infamous confrontation with Ben Affleck on Real Time with Bill Maher, over the ability to freely criticize the doctrine of Islam and religions generally.

Surprised and intrigued by Sam’s arguments, I followed his internet footprint (including “The Four Horsemen” debate) and landed at his podcast, Waking Up with Sam Harris.

are typically a one-on-one discussion, however, he also releases audio from live podcasts with several guests, and notifies subscribers when he talks on other podcasts. Interviews are stand-alone but themes tend to develop from show to show, generally but not exclusively based around Sam’s areas of interests mentioned prior.

If not already, the podcast should be on every student and academics’ radar. Topics are discussed in depth but not exhausted so as to make reading a guest’s book unnecessary. If you do listen to podcasts as a substitute to reading, I recommend giving this podcast your undivided attention – listen while commuting rather than working out. If captivated by the show like myself, I further recommend the Waking Up book – “A Guide to Spirituality Without Religion” (if you can’t find time for meditation, find time for LSD and trips to Nepal).

Although listed under the “Science & Medicine” section of Apple’s podcast app, Waking Up discusses myriad topics. This variety is thanks to the versatility and competency of the host. Sam Harris is the author of seven popular books – The End of Faith, Letter to a Christian Nation, The Moral Landscape, Free Will, Lying, Waking Up, and Islam and the Future of Tolerance. His podcast, like his books, concern areas of both philosophy (morality, religion, ethics, and meditation) and science (mainly neuroscience, psychology, biology, and artificial intelligence), but he also talks regularly with mathematicians and physicists.

Finally, if you are sick of hearing about US postage and other American bollocks, then you will be pleased to know that Sam does not read ads at the start of his shows. Any housekeeping is kept to a minimum.

Years of public speaking and debate make Sam a very effective interviewer and host. Years of meditation has made him a better listener. He prepares questions and follows up, doesn’t talk in circles (the trap of the amateur podcast/radio host), and is willing to move on if the conversation falls into a rut. The shows 38

TV OBSCURE NEW ZEALAND TV SHOWS YOU WISH WE DIDN’T TELL YOU ABOUT REVIEW: CONALL AIRD & GEORGE BULLEID This week we took a break from our typical highquality and insightful writing, to instead revisit some of NZ’s most absurd shows of the 21st Century.

Internet Island This 2001 show featured a group of everyday New Zealanders, and one vaguely foreign Dutchman, living together in a house trying to wrap their heads around, and live purely through, the internet. Keep in mind that in 2001, according nethistory.co.nz, NZ’s online literacy was ranked two places below Burundi.

The show set the stage for all sorts of outrageous early 21st century online hijinks — like ordering pizza every night of the week...

Contestants were forced to survive for 3 weeks using only the internet. It’s genius. TVNZ must have had a whip round the office to gather the $21,000 winnings (?) amount up for grabs. Which, adjusted for inflation, is still fuck all. The show was short-lived, but the biggest disappointment was perhaps the lack of the aforementioned island. One contestant’s internet history being uncovered led to an untimely removal from the show, and allegedly the end of his marriage. He was about 7 years short of the advent of Ctrl+Shift+N. TVNZ have still not replied to our numerous inquiries about the long-awaited DVD release of the series.

Miss Popularity 2005 seems a little late for a premise this sexist to exist.

Miss Popularity saw 10 NZ women being tricked into living in the Australian Outback. All had signed

up thinking the show was a beauty contest but instead, the 10 women were exiled to the small town of Burra in South Australia where they were forced to befriend the locals. The undeniably sexist reveal was carried out when the girls were ditched by their transport whilst in the middle of an Outback bikini shoot. Every week the girls were nominated for a public vote before the entire township, where they were required to grovel for the townsfolks’ vote to remain.

Would it fly today? Likely not. Would we be able to do a full page spread about it in Salient? Absolutely not.

The Family Before The Ridges, the Rippin family appeared on NZ screens in 2003. Imagine a bunch of half-pissed, tacky New Zealanders trying to act British, and you have The Family . While a tried and true formula now, spoilt rich arseholes didn’t always make for good or in any way interesting TV. The patriarch of the family was former property developer Pat Rippin, whose family opened their doors to a camera crew to show average New Zealanders what Rippin it up (much better title) in Auckland really meant. The arguably self-funded series featured a cocktail of drunkenness, half-nude bodies, and just the worst kind of people. You can find some clips of the show on Youtube It’s a shame a second season, Rippin: Rise and Fall, was never made, following Pat Rippin’s declaration of bankruptcy in 2008 and the conviction and home detention that followed. Perhaps a job for Sunday Theatre.

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Book THE SECRET HISTORY BY DONNA TARTT REVIEW: ALEX FEINSON

Each month, the Salient books team are going to review the books on the program for the Vic Books 2018 Book Club. The books on the list have been chosen because they are ones that you might have heard of or read, but are ones that have not become household names when they perhaps should have.

The first book on the list is The Secret History by Donna Tartt. Published in 1992, The Secret History was an overnight sensation and quickly became a modern classic, but over the past 25 years it is slipping out of favour with readers and literary circles for its themes of elitism and privilege, overought classical references, and inaccessible narrative.

The Secret History follows a group of six entitled, isolated, and down-right abominable students — Henry, Camilla, Charles, Francis, Bunny, and Richard — at a Liberal Arts college in Vermont, who study classics in cult-like conditions under the mysterious Julian.

The novel is narrated by Richard, the newest member to this elite circle, who retraces the year leading up to the murder of one of the group — Bunny.

This is not a spoiler — Tartt lets you know from the very first page that there was a murder, but who the killer is, and why they did it, is unknown.

While the premise of a murder mystery (as a fan of crime fiction and non-fiction) would usually draw me immediately to the book, and make me want to read through it as quickly as possible, The Secret History has other ideas.

This book is difficult. It is difficult to read, the

characters are difficult to like, the classical and literary references are difficult to understand, and this makes the book very unapproachable and challenging.

And Tartt does not make it any easier. She is constantly playing tricks on you as a reader, which does not make it any easier to get into. It is not just the murderer that lurks within the narrative, but Tartt as well. She feels three to three hundred steps ahead of you, and frankly I felt that I was too dumb to understand everything that was going on.

Tartt’s construction of the characters as these deplorable figures is perhaps the only thing I enjoyed about the novel. She clearly does not want you to like these six characters, and if you or anyone else you know can relate to them, then this should raise major alarm bells. Their deception, hidden agendas, and revelry in the depraved and immoral acts that they commit is still quite fascinating to follow.

I feel like I should like this book, and I tried very, very hard to like it, but I didn’t. The narrative is so bogged down, reading it feels like crawling through mud. The characters and their lavish lifestyles feel completely alien and unrealistic. I just don’t believe the hype.

In all honesty, I only finished it because I needed to write the review. My dedication to this column is unwavering.

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Food SOUVLAKI AT ACROPOLIS, PRESS HALL FOOD COURT REVIEW: SHARIFF BURKE Souvlaki Inside Me Wellington has been graced with a new food court.

Press Hall opened with aplomb last month, and it has left some hungry patrons weeping over its razzmatazz.

In a statement, Press Hall has insisted that it is not a “typical” food court, seeing fit to refer to itself instead as an “eatery”, taking its inspiration from Melbourne and London. Seeing that it is targeted at those with “urban lifestyles and diverse taste”, I figured I fit the bill well enough to make a visit.

Things got off to a memorable start at the alley entrance way when Tommy Millions himself, in his millionth Wellington outlet, kneading dough on a marble top, shot a nervous smile at me through the shiny glass panel. Later on, gliding between shop fronts in the hall, I began noticing patterns. Maybe “urban lifestyle” was a euphemism for “corporate”, and “diverse taste” meant a variety of chains stores; what we got here was the safety of more of the same: Nam D, Mad Mex, Dragonfly, the Lab, Tommies, and yet another Fratelli-run shop. Uncompelled, I sank into my bar stool. This CBD eatery was certainly hip and aspirational, capturing the zeitgeist of our time, not quite enough to make it into Monocle magazine perhaps, but still 2008-ish at least and good for coworkers to escape offices and feel okay.

There were, however, a couple of gems, one of which is the Wellington institution known as Souvlaki at Acropolis (SAA). Having reached cult status at their Strathmore outlet which opened in 2012, Lisa and Dimitri have decided to bless the city center with the second outlet of this Greek haven.

Greece is a melting pot of the Mediterranean, the Baltic, the Middle East, and North Africa. A traditional feed consists of a lot of little things done well: fried fish, a seasonal salad of feta and olives, moussaka, lamb

cooked for hours, fresh grilled octopus with lemon and oil, and the list goes on. Souvlaki is considered the food of the common person. Much like fish n chips here, souvlakis are meant to be greasy, satiating, and above all, comforting. Yet, as I stared at the plate of skewered meat in my hand, I thought: this is far too fresh and not nearly greasy enough. Silly, because these rudimentary binaries of fresh or greasy don’t work with Greek food. The homemade tzatziki sauce was sharp, and together with crisp lettuce, red onions, and tomatoes, provided the perfect counterpoint to the marinated meat of choice (chicken, lamb, or befteki). The grilled chicken was a delight, and only needed to let its juices be imbibed by the thick pillowy pita. In addition, to make sure things were properly Greek, chips were stuffed into the wrap.

The president of my football team, Kan, who is of Greek descent, has confirmed this adrenaline spiking souvlaki experience is the best in New Zealand.

Judging by my recent lackluster souvlaki experience in New Plymouth, I’d say that this can’t be far from the truth.

SAA isn’t limited to souvlaki, with other delights on their menu like the grilled halloumi burger with buttermilk fried chicken.Otherwise, catering to most, vegetarian and gluten-free souvlakis are on offer too.

Extra halloumi and feta can be added, something we can all smile about.

I have fond memories of going out late at night in Melbourne just to eat souvlaki. Perhaps in Press Hall’s attempt at giving us a Melbourne inspired food court, they consciously or not unlocked a dish special to that city. With Lisa working the counter with her warmth and verve, this was delicious food with a story and a human face, just as it should be.

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Theatre – Picks from the Fringe TALOFA PAPA KASIANO MITA REVIEW: EMILIE HOPE

I walked into Talofa Papa, greeted by an ula made out of fruit bursts, and a kiss on the cheek. I, who thrives off of touch to show care, compassion, and love, was already invested in the show as soon as I walked in the door.

Papa (Kasiano Mita, the creator and performer of the show) came walking through and started greeting audience members who were already seated, ten minutes before the show even started. It was a fluid transition from pre-show to show, because the house lights remained on (if dimmed) for nearly the entire show, and Papa took his time addressing audience members, this time more audibly, so that we could be part of the brief conversation.

Papa treated the audience like his family. You felt like he could pick anyone to talk to, and more importantly, if you answer or behaviour was unsatisfactory, you were asked to sit on the naughty mat, which was on stage.

As the show was starting, Papa asked a “grandson” from the audience to stand and say a prayer in Samoan. The man replied, “I can’t speak Samoan”.

This hit me. How many other people are there who can’t speak their cultural language? The man’s friend then indicated that there was a Samoan prayer on the back of the programme which everyone had, and he proceeded to read from it, while everyone held hands. People reached across the few empty seats to take the hands of strangers.

What I love most about this show is that it successfully created a spontaneous community with everyone in the room. There were moments of genuine laughter and pleasure from everyone as audience members were “punished” or rewarded by Papa. But it didn’t matter if you were Samoan or not, you were included in this festivity and in these traditions. The audience was united by the shared understanding of

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Theatre

Theatre

THE TRAVELLING SISTERS TROUPÉ MILKE REVIEW: EMILIE HOPE

DISCHARGE IS ROTTEN TO THE CORE DISCHARGE REVIEW: EMILIE HOPE

Starting out in black leotards, Shakespearean collars and wig caps, singing a song about how the Travelling Sisters began (“We performed to two people and a steak! Oh well…”), the Travelling Sisters Troupe delighted me with their show — ten wacky skits with original comedic music playing over transitions. This show doesn’t keep anything hidden: the performers rarely went off stage, and almost always got ready onstage, putting on wigs and make up as well as costumes.

I couldn’t decide my favourite skit. Was it the pickle/cactus tap dancing boy who just wanted to be loved? Or was it watching Ell Sachs struggle to sing with massive fake teeth that kept popping out?

While the show may not have an obvious particular overarching theme, I took away the ideas of being confident in who you are no matter what. In particular, the final song’s chorus spoke to me: “Swing your dick and touch your face, throw your tits into outer space, you’re just like the moon.”

The audience felt safe and comfortable in the hands of this energetic and charismatic troupe. We enjoyed interacting with them (even if it was slightly awkward at first), even singing along at the end of the show.

For me, this is the exact kind of comedic theatre I aspire to create: bold, dramatic characters, and a show that is so bizarre, the audience starts off not knowing what the show is about, and leaving with their faces sore due to laughter.

Women making cool stuff for the stage is totally my jam. As well as fruit puns. In Discharge is Rotten to the Core, you get both.

Discharge is the all-women comedy group who produced the show, originally formed in Dunedin and now Wellington based. The show follows a punk band called The Rotten Cores, which is made up of three women (of unknown age) who are trying to have a dress rehearsal, but arguments and jokes keep cropping up, particularly between Lemon Lime Bitters (Harriet Hughes) and Peachy (Rosie Howells). Selfreflexive jokes are dotted throughout the show, to the absolute delight of the audience.

There were eight songs to break up the show. The songs were nicely put together and seemed to have funny lyrics, but I could only catch some of them due to the sheer noise of sitting in front of a live band.

While Flux is a cool space, and they did well to deck it out and make it feel like we were in someone’s garage, the staging did not lend itself to a dynamic performance – as a band they’re sort of stuck up on the stage and can’t really move around too much due to chords, amplifiers, etc. The lighting, however, kept to the band members’ colour palettes, and was also reminiscent of lighting at concerts.

The story structure of the show was standard: small scale drama, revelations, forgiveness at the end, everything tied in a nice little bow. The plot was unsatisfying and unrealistic. I wished for higher stakes.

Overall, I really did enjoy the show. It was a bit of fun and a bit silly. I will definitely be looking out for Discharge in the future.

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Crossword: Adult Swim Fanfest Last Week's Answers

ACROSS 2.

4/18D. 7/13.

17D/9.

15/26D/20D. 16/11.

19.

22.

23.

25.

27.

29.

30.

32.

LARRIKINS

Online show about NYT xWord puzzle (10) 23A’s failed pilot show [split for xword] (6) OFWGKTA on TV (6, 5) See 17D for clue.

Rapper in 7A. (5, 3, 7) Check it Out with 23A co-host died this way (5, 5) Legalise Ranch guy (4, 5) First fish to die off of 5D (5).

Your favourite doctor from Channel 5 (5, 5) The 31D family dog (6) “Bird Up” opposite (5, 4) Drove his pickup truck along Highway 40 (4) Harvey B’s occupation (6) Steve sent a pentagram on 21D using this. (3, 7)

1.

3.

4.

6.

7.

11.

12.

14.

16.

17.

19.

21.

22.

ACROSS PATEA BLUFF WAIMATE JOHNSON VALLEY WANAKA INVERCARGILL CHURCH AUCKLAND PORIRUA MASTERTON WELLINGTON HUTT

1.

2.

5.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

13.

15.

18.

20.

DOWN PALMERSTON PAEROA GORE VILLE BULLS WAINUIOMATA CHRIST WAIROA OAMARU HAMILTON RUSSELL NORTH

DOWN 1.

5/3.

6/12.

10/14.

17/9A. 4A/18.

15A/26/20.

21/8.

24.

28.

31.

The one who started it all (5) Aquatic creatures swim for points (10, 4) Sung about fucking your grandma in 7A (3, 7) Justin Roiland is a dog in this one (3, 7) South Korean moderator of 5D. See 4A for clue.

See 15A for clue.

Animated spinoff of 2A. (6, 7) Her Tits: “Little Mortys” (7) “Street” animation studio, owned by Cartoon Network (8) Two brothers, living together in Mission Hill (6)

FUN

LITERAL MURDER

Aries: To find out more about turtles, visit your local library.

Taurus: You will come to realise Pythagoras was right all along.

You should apologise.

Gemini: Do not resist arrest.

Leo: Trotsky is a good name for a horse.

Virgo: You should probably get tested.

Libra: Wash your hands. Thoroughly this time.

Scorpio: You're not cooler because you drink black coffee.

Spaghettarius: Grow some teeth.

Capricorn: The Star Wars movies will continue to disappointment you.

Aquarius: Du wirst Deutsch sprechen.

Pisces: Don't forget to feed your fish.

Cancer: Curiosity will get the better of you.

You will eat an orange in the shower. You will enjoy it.

Larrikins & Horoscope by Anton Huggard, Triggerfin by Gus Mitchell, Soduku by Nathan Hotter & Crossword by Corey Fuimaono

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