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04

issue 1 | o week

Contents

NEWS 08 - 19 09 | Got 18 Problems But a Bus Ain’t One 11 | University Sticks Rigidly to Its Dumb Policy

FEATURES 20 - 29 20 | Guy Williams 28 | Wisdom Nuggets

COLUMNS AND CULTURE 30 - 46

Editor

Sam McChesney

Designers

Ella Bates-Hermans Lily Paris West

Senior News Editor Sophie Boot

News Editor Nicola Braid

Distributor

Beckie Wilson

News Interns Emma Hurley

Charles Prout Francesca Shepard Beckie Wilson Elea Yule

www.salient.co.nz

Section Editors

Ruth Corkill (Science) Sharon Lam (Visual Arts) Baz Macdonald (Gaming) Jayne Mulligan (Books) Alice Reid (Music) Fairooz Samy (Film)

Other Contributors

Brontë Ammundsen Rob Barratt Toby Cooper Harry Evans Gussie Larkin Regan MacKinlay Gus Mitchell Bridget Pyć Patrick Savill Tom and Luke Geneveine Wilson Te Wehi Wright Rick Zwaan

Contact

Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University P.O. Box 600, Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766 Editor: editor@salient.org.nz News Editor: news@salient.org.nz Website: salient.org.nz Twitter: @salientmagazine Facebook: facebook.com/salientmagazine

Advertising

Email: sales@vuwsa.org.nz Phone: 04 463 6982

Printed By

Guardian Print, Ashburton

About Us

Salient is published by, but is editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association (VUWSA).

Salient is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) and the New Zealand Press Council. Salient is funded in part by Victoria University of Wellington students through the Student Services Levy. The views expressed in Salient do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, VUWSA, or the University.

Complaints

People with a complaint against the magazine should first complain in writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the Press Council. See presscouncil.org.nz/complain.php for more information.

05

NE Y

M SA

M cCHES

Welcome to the first issue of Salient for 2015.

Salient is the student magazine of Victoria University, distributed free around campus on Mondays. We’re more fun than your textbooks and only slightly more biased than the Herald.

In the Venn diagram between freedom and respectability, student media sits gleefully in the overlap—the best area. The university listens to what we have to say, even if what we what we say mostly consists of the words “fuck” and “shitpipes”.

If you’re a keen writer or, better yet, an aspiring journalist, come and visit us on level three of the Student Union building. We can offer you harbour views and Red Bull. Alternatively, send me an email— editor@salient.org.nz.

Student media also extends beyond the written word. This year our student radio station, the VBC, has been rebranded Salient FM, which may or may not have something to do with our domain registration lapsing and the website becoming an ad for shoes.

During first trimester we are also re-launching Salient TV with a little help from our friends at the VUW Film School. If you’re an aspiring Patrick Gower, come and help us shoot the fucking news.

If you’re not sure what you want to do at Salient, here’s a handy flowchart;

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Welcomes

Celia WadeBrown Kia ora everybody!

A very warm welcome to all of Victoria University’s new students. Wellington is a very vibrant Capital and I am glad you have chosen such an artistic, politically conscious and innovative city to study in.

Whether you’re from Wellington or are moving here from very far away, I am confident you have made a great choice, as intellectually and creatively Wellington offers some of the best stimulation there is to be found.

In addition to spectacular coffee, craft beer, public art and live music, we’re home to national institutions such as NIWA and the National Library; writers’ havens such as Randall cottage; and each year we host the internationally renowned World of Wearable Art shows.

There are also plenty of exciting things to do as well as study. Have a picnic in the Botanic Gardens on a sunny day, feed the giraffes at Wellington Zoo or take a stroll down Cuba Street to see the infamous bucket fountain.

You could also mountain bike, paddle board, scuba dive, roller-blade or just stroll along the waterfront. For more social activity, there’s Adventure Wellington, Futsal and basketball.

Wellington is a place where dramatic natural landscape and a thriving metropolitan culture co-exist, and it is home to some of the brightest academic, political, artistic and entrepreneurial minds in the country.

I wish you all the best for a bright and prosperous academic career at Victoria University, and enjoy living in the most walkable, coolest little capital in the world!

Professor Grant Guilford Welcome to Victoria.

University study is a journey of exploration to discover what excites you and what you are capable of doing, and Victoria will provide you with the opportunity to explore the subjects that will inspire your future.

You are now part of New Zealand’s number one university for research quality, and one of the top 300 of the world’s 7,000 universities.

We want you to have the best possible experience during your studies here, and are committed to ensuring you develop the mix of knowledge, personal attributes and skills you will you will need to succeed not only in the workplace, but throughout life.

I encourage you to be proactive and make the most of your time at Victoria, by meeting new people and undertaking new activities. From classes and facilities at our recreation centre, to writing for the student magazine Salient, or joining a club, there really is something available for everyone.

Wellington is a great city in which to be a student—it’s easy to get around, fun, culturally diverse and sophisticated, and the University works hard to make sure you are safe, well mentored and supported in practical ways.

All the best for your studies in 2015, and welcome to the Victoria community.

Vice-Chancellor

Mayor of Wellington

www.salient.co.nz

WHERE DO YOU FIT IN THE PACK?

Hitting town for a night out with your pack can unleash some drunken traits you won’t always be proud of the morning after. Ask yourself which pack member you are.

HOW DOES YOUR NIGHT NORMALLY END? With a fight!

FOAMER Fiesty Aggro-drunk Shameless Tip: You need to learn how to control yourself and make better decisions to ensure you get home in one piece.

Walk home alone

LONE WOLF Wanderer Over-confident Adventurous Tip: Adventures are better shared. Always take a buddy – they can back up your stories the morning after.

Taxi home with friends

CUB Planner Follower Cautious Tip: Seeing as you’re not a big risk-taker and can lack street-smarts, it’s essential you stay with your pack.

Grab everyone and walk home

ALPHA Responsible Caring Peacemaker Tip: Find a balance between looking after the pack and your own enjoyment.

Prepare yourself for the walk of shame

SLOBBERER Messy drunk Gets loose Show-off Tip: Create a cut-off point to how much you drink. Knowing your limit can save you a lot of embarrassment.

FIND OUT MORE AND DOWNLOAD THE APP!

STICKWITH THEPACK .CO.NZ

08

issue 1 | o week

NEWS

By the Numbers 81.7 Million

Worst Person of the Week:

Dominique Strauss-Kahn The former head of the International Monetary Fund, dubbed chaud lapin (horny rabbit) for his ‘ladies’ man’ status, is currently in court on charges of ‘aggravated pimping’—a lesson to those of you seeking to hold numerous sex parties in a country where organising a prostitution ring is illegal. His defence? “I challenge you to tell a naked prostitute from a naked society lady.”

What Fifty Shades of Grey grossed domestically in its first three days in cinemas, making it the biggest opening weekend for a film directed by a woman in box office history.

57 Blocks of cheese that Tennessee couple Joshua and Erika Caldwell (both 21) stole from a Walmart. Police reportedly found $300 worth of cheese stuffed between the floorboards of their car.

96.77 Australian cents—what the Kiwi dollar hit last week.

9.1% Odds that fare concessions to be announced for tertiary students in Wellington by 2016 according to iPredict.

5 mins The length of Ciara’s performance in Christchurch, much to the dismay of her fans.

www.salient.co.nz

09

NEWS

“GO Wellington allowed those attending the protest to ride on the bus free of charge.

Salient now fully intends to start ‘protesting’ on a daily basis.”

Got 18 Problems But a Bus Ain’t One Elea Yule The Greater Wellington Regional Council may scrap the number 18 bus route, one of the most popular bus routes for Victoria students.

review on how the region’s transport, roads and networks are working. The GWRC will vote on the proposal at their next meeting on February 25.

A vital daily route for thousands of students, the 18 connects Wellington’s eastern suburbs with Victoria’s Kelburn, Te Aro and Karori campuses, as well as Massey University and Toi Whakaari.

VUWSA President Rick Zwaan said that getting rid of the 18 would see students in popular residential areas, such as Newtown, facing “increased travel times as well as inaccessible transfers”, particularly for students with mobility impairments.

The GWRC has proposed a redesign of the city bus network. New “hubs” would be created at the Railway Station, Karori Tunnel and Courtenay Place.

The 18 route would be cut in favour of “frequent direct connections from hubs” which will “enable access from across Wellington”. New university bus routes, L and M, would operate seven days a week.

The M would go from Wellington Station to Kelburn Campus, via the Terrace, while the L would go from Karori to Mount Victoria via Courtenay Place.

The proposed changes are part of the GWRC’s Regional Land Transport plan, the organisation’s six-yearly

In a bid to save, or at least replace, the convenient bus route, VUWSA staged a public meeting on the bus last Thursday.

At its peak 30-35 people were estimated to have turned out including Regional Councillor Judith Atkins, with GO Wellington allowing those attending to ride on the bus free of charge. Salient now fully intends to start ‘protesting’ on a daily basis.

Zwaan insisted in a media statement that “it’s time for GWRC to step up and listen to what students are saying. This is a genuine problem that will genuinely negatively impact students’ lives and we’re asking them to respond to that.”

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NEWS

On the Road to Student Fares

BY NICOLA BRAID The Wellington City Council will soon trial cheaper off-peak bus fares for students and weekend users.

The council has allocated $275,000 of ratepayer funds to subsidise the trial in an effort to put pressure on the Greater Wellington Regional Council to take more steps to cut fares. $75,000 of the funds will go toward a one-month trial for discounted off-peak student fares.

The move follows calls from the Green Party to include half-price student fares in the Greater Wellington Region’s draft Long Term Plan for 2015.

Regional Councillor Paul Swain claims Victoria University will be expected to make a contribution to the discounted fares if the trial is to go ahead. Swain remains skeptical of the trial, telling the Dominion Post “it’s good to have big visions, but those visions need to be affordable”.

EDITORIAL

University puts smokers in their place: the road

BY SAM MCCHESNEY

Wellington City Councillor Iona Pannett is confident the trial will be cost-effective, telling Newstalk ZB that “because it’s a good deal for more people, more people are going to use the buses, so ultimately it shouldn’t cost anything for the trial.”

The University is taking a stand against the number one health risk to students* by refusing to budge on its totally reasonable, proportionate, and not at all patronising smoking ban.

VUWSA has been campaigning for discounted student bus fares for over three years.

Hiring extra security guards to escort smokers to a designated off-campus smoking area might seem ridiculous to most bipedal mammals but, as Rudyard Kipling once wrote, true moral courage can exist only in the face of mockery and scorn.

Some details still need to be worked out. It remains unclear whether the security guards will hold smokers’ hands on the way, or whether, should a smoker inhale too deeply and start coughing, the guards will pat them on the back and say “that’s a big boy now”.

Also unclear is whether the smoking pen will come with a little plastic fence, and activities to keep the naughty smokers occupied, like some blocks or a game of Pick Up Smokes.

It’s well known that O-Week concerts are family events characterised by wholesome activities like fucking randoms in the toilets. The University is right to keep dangerous substances away—God knows how many students have been rushed to emergency rooms after overindulging on Pall Malls.

As the University says: Each cigarette reduces your lifespan by 11 minutes—let’s bump it up to 15 with a four-minute commute!

www.salient.co.nz

*Except depression, study-related stress, a myriad of other mental health issues, alcohol, heart disease, skin cancer, restricted drugs, brostep, and alien abductions.

11

NEWS

University Sticks Rigidly to its Dumb Policy

BY NICOLA BRAID

Smokers attending O-Week events on campus will need to

to flout the rules, causing more problems. “People will be aggressive in the venue or […] they’ll smoke anyway. Well, we know they’ll smoke anyway.”

The decision to allow ‘pass-outs’ to smokers, rather than temporarily lift the campus-wide smoking ban for O-Week events, means VUWSA may be forced to pay for extra security guards to patrol the area between the venue and the designated smoking area.

Zwaan claims that in private conversations, security staff had expressed a preference for an exemption to the ban rather than pass outs, but had been unwilling to speak up in meetings with Campus Services.

walk to Kelburn Parade to light up, after the University once again refused to allow smoking on the Hunter Lounge balcony.

The decision, originally made by Campus Services, was appealed at least three times by VUWSA and eventually reached Vice-Chancellor Grant Guilford, who upheld the decision.

Campus Services Director Jenny Bentley assured Salient that “there will be security guards on the pathway to Kelburn parade and around the smoking area and the route is well lit,” and said that pass outs account for both “the University’s commitment to being smokefree [...] and our commitment to the safety and wellbeing of our students.”

VUWSA President Rick Zwaan suggested that in refusing to overturn the decision, University figures including Guilford were more interested in protecting relationships with their subordinates than with reaching the best outcome. Zwaan remains dissatisfied with the decision, claiming that “the only [University figures] who seem to support [the decision] are the ones with their names on the smoke-free policy.”

The University banned smoking on all areas of campus in 2013.

The ban included venues such as the Hunter Lounge and Milk and Honey. Hunter Lounge manager Jack Barber has been vocal in his opposition to the ban in the past, attributing a significant downturn in the venue’s profits to the University’s blanket no-smoking policy.

VUWSA has concerns about whether the pass-out system will fully ensure students’ safety. Zwaan fears that if students are deprived of an easily accessible location, they may choose

VUWSA has also been critical of the smoking ban, thenPresident Sonya Clark telling Salient in April 2014 that the ban “hadn’t worked”.

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NEWS

Eye on Exec

Exec to Buy a New Van It won’t be like last time, they promise Sam McChesney

VUWSA wants to buy a new van. Here’s some context:

van-less—which is just as well, since they’re clearly terrible at anything involving vans.

In 2007, VUWSA President Geoff Hayward and Education Officer Paul Brown misappropriated $22,222.22 of student money to pimp out the VUWSA van with mag wheels, tinted windows, a black paint job and a sound system—an expense the 2008 Exec subsequently attempted to cover up. The van broke down in January 2010, and was sold that May.

At the Executive meeting on Tuesday 17 February, Welfare Vice-President Madeleine Ashton-Martyn tabled a proposal to buy a second-hand van for about $22,420.

When Salient asked why they couldn’t just lease one from the University again, President Rick’s response was “if we’re going to discuss that I’d rather do it in committee”—“committee” being a closed session that Salient isn’t allowed to report on. Make of that what you will.

Since then, VUWSA had leased a van from the University, but the lease ran out last year and VUWSA management didn’t bother to inform the Executive until after the fact. So for the last few months, VUWSA has been

www.salient.co.nz

Although Salient can’t repeat what was said in committee, we’d just like to reiterate the following: VUWSA is really bad at vans.

After coming back out of committee, there was some good news: VUWSA has a new General Manager, which they’ve lacked for almost as long as they’ve lacked a van. Indigo Freya will start in the position on 2 March, along with new Association Secretary Timothy Grigg, Student Rep Coordinator Jacinta Cording, and Student Advocate Kate Nicklechok.

Finally, Rick informed the Executive that the 2015 student media budget was in its “final stages”, a rather ostentatious way to describe a process that began in the editor’s back lawn and has since consisted of one meeting. But oh well, $$$$$

Ri

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13

Cooper

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Yarn With Zwaan

Engagement Vice-President

I hope you have had a sweet summer. If you’re a new student, welcome to Vic (and to Wellington if you’re from out of town). For those returning, thanks for continuing to read Salient, and welcome back for another year. I’m Rick Zwaan and get to represent you as President of VUWSA—Your Students’ Association.

University is a massive, life-altering adventure. And it starts right here. With the action-packed VUWSA O-Week, there’s plenty for everyone, and most of it is FREE:

Kia ora!

It’s the start of O-Week and our team have been flat out over summer organising an incredible lineup of events to kick off the year. O-Week is a great time to meet new people, find out more about the uni and explore the city before the assignments begin to pile up.

Check out facebook.com/VUWSA for all the latest updates on our events. A few highlights to keep an eye on—for the first time, we’ve teamed up with Homegrown and are sponsoring the free Locally Sourced stage on 6 March.

Another first is a free bus between the halls and the Newtown Festival over 7-8 March. Alongside these are traditional events including the Toga Party (now sold out), as well as a bunch of other gigs at the Hunter Lounge.

· Play League of Legends at the Vic Engineering Club 1v1 Gaming Day, mix some beats at the DJ Workshop, or visit the Adam Art Gallery exhibition. · See award-winning comics Guy Williams and Jarred Fell in The Hunter Lounge, your on-campus bar and café in the Student Union Building. · Party at epic music gigs with international giants Sigma, New Zealand legend Savage and local bands Drax Project and Groeni. · For a more chilled out vibe, grab a drink at the Hunter Lounge and enjoy Wellington’s acoustic musicians at Afternoon Live and theatre performers at Fringe Short Snippets and PlayShop Live. · To score yourself a whole bunch of freebies, including a diary or wall planner, head to the VUWSA Carnival in the Kelburn Campus Courtyard.

For more info on any of these goings-on, take a gander at vuwsaoweek.org.nz.

A few things I wish someone had told me when I started university:

Our team will also be around signing up new members and giving away free wall planners or diaries along with other goodies in our upgraded canvas O-Bags. Make sure you sign up—you get both free stuff and the opportunity to strengthen our independent student voice.

It’s VUWSA’s sweet 116th birthday this year, and since our inception we’ve continued to ensure Victoria students have an incredible time at Vic, are supported through their study and, most of all, have their voices listened to in the ivory towers of decision-making. We think students deserve a say in their class, their university and their lives as students in Wellington.

We care about the small things like whether or not your lecturer forgot to turn up to class, or if you’ve developed a diet consisting solely of two-minute noodles for the past three months. But we also care about the big issues, like introducing tertiary fares on public transport, pushing for policy change to ensure that you’re living in a safe and warm flat, and that you’re receiving a quality education while not drowning in debt.

1. Join in. Meet your neighbours. Go to as many O-Week events as possible.

2. Once O-Week is over, things quieten down. But heaps of student groups and clubs hold events all the time throughout the year, and you can join anytime (see victoria. ac.nz/students/get-involved/clubs/directory).

3. Speak up in tutorials or lectures. Introduce yourself to your lecturer. Ask those nagging questions.

4. Staying up until 4am to memorise every fact and detail in Law Alive is not a good use of your time. You’re not expected to know everything in your readings and probably won’t be tested on the minor details.

5. Despite what Grant Morris tells you, two out of three people don’t fail LAWS121. Rather, most people decide to drop out, finding that law simply isn’t for them. Relax, you’ll do fine.

6. If you’re unhappy with anything concerning your landlord, hall manager, employer, or your courses, visit the professional VUWSA Advocate. This is a free and confidential service for all students.

7. It is okay to ask for help. It is GREAT to ask for help. Don’t go it alone.

Issue 1

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NEWS

Maori Matters Te Wehi Wright and Geneveine Wilson

Tēnā tātou katoa.

Kua tae te wā kia pari anō ngā tai o ako ki tēnei o a tātou Whare Wānanga. E kikī ana ngā tai nei ki ngā tini ika o te ao mātauranga, ngā mātaitai o ako hei kaponga mō te hunga e hiakai ana ki tōnā momo.

Nō reira, ki a tātou ngā kupenga o Taramainuku, ngā hīnaki o hiahia, ngā aho a Tane e whakarite ana ki te hī ake i ngā ika o te mātauranga mō tēnei tau, e tika ana kia rere ngā mihi ki a tātou.

Ki ngā manu pīrere o te tau, tēnā koutou.

Mōkori anō kia rere a mihi ki a koutou mā te reanga hou hei akiaki i te hunga pakeke, hei whakakipakipa hoki i ngā uri whakatipu. Ki a tātou mā o te reanga hauturuki, tātou e rata haere ana ki ēnei timotimo kai, kua whāngaihia mai e ngā pūkenga, kia kaha tonu tātou.

As another year approaches, so too does the new intake of students, who like a school of fish arrive swiftly and in the thousands. With this new intake of students comes new personalities, new adventures and also new dreams. The new year also welcomes returning students that have just enjoyed their three-month sabbatical from any laptop, book or pen.

2015 has already come with many changes. Rutherford House is being given

www.salient.co.nz

a makeover and the Science block is also being given an upgrade. The biggest change, however, is the new executive for Ngāi Tauira Māori students’ association.

For those who may not be aware, Ngāi Tauira is the Māori equivalent to our sibling association VUWSA. It provides services for Māori students throughout the University and across all campuses. Our Pipitea limbs are Nga Rangahautira (Law) and Ngā Taura Ūmanga (Commerce) but we all operate under the one umbrella.

Headed by former vice president Geneveine Wilson (BA/BCom) and Te Wehi Wright (BA/LLB), the Ngai Tauira executive for 2015 is filled with a good mix of old heads and enthusiastic youth.

The foundations laid by past execs have definitely paved a clear and exciting path that allows us to branch out and take Ngāi Tauira to new heights. These foundations allow us the opportunity to work closely together with VUWSA, the Pasifika Students Council, and Te Herenga Waka Marae.

I could write about all the exciting things planned by the Ngāi Tauira executive for 2015, but the real excitement comes from physically going to room 102 at 42-44 Kelburn Parade and finding out for yourself. It’s homely, it’s friendly and it’s just across the road from the sushi shop.

15

NEWS imposed on the store’s proprietor James Tucker set a dangerous precedent.

Yet Another Victory for Wowsers Thomas Raethel New off-licence liquor stores in the CBD may face considerable opposition from police, after a new player to the market was forced to sell only craft beers.

Licensing for Manners Street’s Craft Beer Capital Co was rejected by a district licensing committee on January 27.

While a rejection of a liquor license is hardly a rarity, the conditions

GayTMs Not So Sparkly After All Charlie Prout

ANZ is celebrating queer events for Pride Month in Auckland and Wellington with the introduction of GayTMs. The initiative to support the queer community involves decorated ATMs in Auckland and Welington with rainbows and bright rhinestones.

The recent influx of craft beers into New Zealand’s liquor market marks the first major shake up of the industry Police and Regional Public Health presumably since the establishment of Independent objected to the fact that Mr Tucker did Liquor in 1989—the company that not plan to exclusively sell beers that were brought New Zealand such social brewed by a phalanx of bohemians in an lubricants as the Vodka Cruiser. abandoned mental hospital on the outskirts of Aro Valley. Instead he intended to offer A twenty million litre decrease in beer swill like Heineken as well. Hilariously, production was observed in 2013, squarely Tucker argued that Heineken met the to blame on the propulsion of craft beers into criteria of a so-called ‘premium’ beer. the market. Craft beers tend to be sold in smaller quantities, and the higher percentage Medical Officer of Health Stephen of many craft beers does not appear to be Palmer did not mince his words and compensating for the drop in production— made his organisation’s plans clear, beers with more than 5 per cent alcohol by explaining that more expensive beers volume dropped 1.5 million litres in 2013. would be out of the price range of “young binge drinkers”—i.e., students.

With cans of plain packaged ‘BEER’ from The Garage Project costing about Thus, the Craft Beer Capital Co’s forced $6.00, the forced consumption of craft closing time of 9pm and inflated price range is beers will undoubtedly wreak havoc likely to serve as indication of things to come on the alcoholic’s wallet. Fortunately, in this city, as liquor stores inevitably close New World Metro continues to sell down and their successors have no choice but cans of Kingfisher Strong for $3.00. to meet the restrictions forced on Mr Tucker.

Despite the bank’s intentions, many in the queer community see GayTMs as a marketing ploy for the pink dollar—the purchasing power of the queer community.

advise of his name change and to ask for his salutation to be removed. Even after this ordeal, ANZ continued to address him as ‘Ms’ in its correspondence.

Although ANZ is marketing itself as a queerfriendly bank, its policies are failing some members of the transgender community.

Due to security concerns, banks including ANZ will not allow their customers to have a title on their account that does not correspond to their sex. ANZ’s pretence of accepting diversity seemingly does not extend to gender diversity, as choosing a salutation such as Mr or Ms is required.

Antonia Watson, ANZ Chief Financial Officer and Pride Network Executive Sponsor, was quoted in the New Zealand Herald saying “the GayTMs represent values that are important to all of us—respect, inclusion, equality and acceptance.”

Some customers have had to jump through hoops to get their titles removed from bank statements and, when going into branches to change their titles and names, are met with confusion and mismanagement.

One transgender ANZ customer, who did not wish to be named, said he had been subjected to invasive questioning when going into the Lambton Quay branch to

Others in the queer community feel there are bigger issues facing queers. “My idea of liberation for all genders and sexualities doesn’t include sparkly ATMs while people are still homeless and starving,” queer activist Kassie Hartendorp posted on Facebook.

All proceeds from the use of non-ANZ customer cards at GayTMs will be donated to OUTline, a queer phone support service.

ANZ plans to have the GayTMs in place until the end of February.

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FACES TO DEFACE

send your creations to editor@salient.org.nz

www.salient.co.nz

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Drivers make cars slower?

A driverless Audi TTS named Shelley has outperformed skilled racing drivers in a new Stanford university study.The car was tested against amateur touring class champion David Vodden and when programmed can reach speeds above 190km/h. Scientists have been monitoring drivers’ brain activity via electrodes in an attempt to locate the neurological circuitry during driving manoeuvres.

Eating your feelings A phenomenon dubbed mukbang (loosely translated as broadcast eating) has taken off in South Korea, where punters ‘perform’ their meals online to viewers at home. Approximately 10,000 people watch Seoul resident Lee Changhyun eat in a gesticular manner while microphones capture the his masticating soundtrack. Paid several hundred dollars for a two-hour snacking stint, Changhyun believes his appeal lies in being able to eat what other people can’t and providing others online company.

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Don’t rain on my parade UK company Oliver’s Travels has started offering a ‘cloud bursting’ service that guarantees engaged couples nice weather on their wedding day.

For a starting fee of $100,000 GBP lovebirds can hire a team of pilots and meteorologists to use silver iodine to ‘seed’ clouds causing them to rain preemptively. The company is quick to point out, however, that serious weather phenomenon like hurricanes “cannot be controlled”.

Jenny really really really far from the block An Indian billionaire couple has gotten married in a lavish three-day wedding said to have cost NZ$30 million. Sanjay Hinduja and Anu Mahtani’s wedding took place in the Jagmandir Island Palace, complete with performances from Jennifer Lopez and Nicole Scherzinger. 208 privately-chartered planes landed at the airport in the run-up to the wedding—so many, they couldn’t find anywhere to park.

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Breaking Brassicas A 39-year-old man has been arrested in Arizona after officers found an 18kg haul of crystal meth hidden in bags of broccoli in his truck. The stash was valued at $440,000, according to DPS spokesman Raul Garcia.

Mr Squarepants will see you now Parents who took their kids for a family day out at an open-air cinema in Massachussetts are furious after Spongebob 2 was shown right next to a screen showing 50 Shades of Grey. Part one of the S&M series could be seen from across the car park, where children gathered to watch Spongebob. Aye aye, Captain Grey.

Krispy Kreme’s Kock-up A Krispy Kreme branch in the UK has removed its Krispy Kreme Klub promotion, after it realised the poor choice of the promotion’s ‘KKK’ abbreviation. The event, run by a Krispy Kreme location in Hull, was supposed to entice kids into the store for free doughnuts they could decorate themselves. But the promotion quickly went viral after it was posted on the chain’s British Facebook fan page, and the chain moved quickly to remove the flyer and apologise.

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GUY WILLIAMS “Your Editor’s Got Dumb Ideas”

BY ALICE REID

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New Zealand’s Sexiest Man talks comedy, politics, and kicking Cirque du Soleil in the face Guy Williams is a presenter on Jono and Ben at Ten. He’s a Flight of the Conchords fanboy. He’s definitely the first former VUWSA Executive member to be named New Zealand’s Sexiest Man. Salient hasn’t researched this, but we just know. And he’s performing at the Hunter Lounge on Wednesday 27 February. Alice Reid called Guy to discuss awkward non-dates, piles of mush, and his dreams of revenge against the Cambridge Hotel.

Alice: I heard you first started doing stand-up when you were here at Vic in your first year and living in Weir House, so how exactly did you get started?

Guy: There was a girl that I liked named Hazel Ryan and she asked me if I wanted to come along to a comedy show and I almost thought it was a date. Turns out there was like eight of us going and she just invited a crowd to support her brother doing a shitty stand-up comedy show. So I went along and sat in the front row, and while obviously the date was a bloody disaster as it wasn’t even a date, I loved the acts on stage.

I don’t know if I just went on the most magical night of the year, but every comedian killed. They were amazingly good and I laughed harder than I’d ever laughed.

I got a high off comedy pretty much.

A real alternative comedian came on last and he did a routine that he called “Giving Birth to the Wall” and I loved it.

Looking at in the light of day, it was the dumbest sketch that I’ve ever seen in my life. He literally just mimed giving birth to a wall but that’s how good the night was.

For the next week I went along trying to replicate the experience and I didn’t, but I just kind of became addicted to comedy.

I went along to the Wellington Comedy Club at the San Francisco Bath House every week until eventually they announced that there was a competition and I was just dying to get up there and give it a go.

How does it feel to be back now as a successful comedian performing two shows at the Hunter Lounge?

It feels bloody good, it’s always been my dream. The main reason I do comedy is because when I was in Wellington studying, one of the jobs I had was being a pub quiz host at the Cambridge. And I did a few of them, at the Cambridge on Cambridge Terrace obviously and at a student hall in Hataitai and stuff like that and I got fired from all my pub quiz jobs and replaced for not being good enough.

Ever since then, I’ve just had a vendetta against that shitty pub to try and come back and... I don’t really know what my plan is, but to do really good comedy.

I’ve just always kind of been like “I’ll show you, Cambridge pub”, so this gig is to prove I’m good to the Cambridge pub quiz hosting people and hopefully they’ll rehire me as their pub quiz person.

Have you been back there since?

No, shit no! I didn’t even want to go there

before, it’s a terrible place that no one should visit. I don’t drink so I’d never go to a pub normally and yeah they have a miserable business, I hope they go down the tubes. It’s like that Adele song ‘I Wish Nothing But the Best For You’, but it’s the opposite of that, because I wish nothing but the worst.

What’s your fondest memory of going to uni here at Vic? I really enjoyed sitting in the library and not doing any work, just looking at the amazing view of the city. I won the election for VUWSA’s Activities Officer, that was an amazing achievement that will never be replicated. I remember living in Aro Valley and walking down the street and queuing up to see Flight of the Conchords do a gig at Aro Valley Video. That was amazing, there was like 60 people in there and that was just after they’d had an HBO TV series as well, it was insane.

Alright! And ‘cos you’re doing O-Week shows, I’ve got to ask—what’s your craziest O-Week story? Did you get up to any shenanigans in your time here?

No, I got up to zero shenanigans!

Really?

Yeah pretty much, I don’t drink so I don’t get really pissed. Weird things did happen but I was very boring. I just remember a guy in a helmet in the quad burning a New Zealand flag one year and then getting arrested, witnessing that was a pretty memorable experience. To be honest, I have no crazy stories. Nothing that crazy happened to me.

That’s disappointing. So you graduated with a degree in political science and you’re now a fulltime comedian and radio show host—did you ever think your life would turn out like this?

Yeah well it was my dream when I was at uni. Everyone has what they realistically can do and what they dream of doing. What I dreamed of doing was being a touring stand up comedian and what I realistically was going to do was be a low-level employee with a BA at some government department.

So I am very fortunate that I achieved Plan

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“I went to Japan for one night to sing a song to Sonny Bill Williams in front of 50 Japanese people” A because Plan B was not a good one.

Sweet! So you didn’t really wanna get into politics?

I always wanted to get into politics but I feel like I’ve already kind of fucked that up. I think my biggest strength now—‘cos I consider myself to be quite left wing—I’d be able to help them with communications.

Right now I feel like John Key and his government have won three elections, really nailing their marketing and their message and the brand of John Key, whereas Labour have had three leaders who most people can’t recognise and just don’t have the same sort of prowess. They’ve got great quality policies and ideas but if you can’t pull an audience you’re wasting your time pretty much—same as comedy! You could have the best jokes in the world but if no one comes to your shows, you’re sucking arse aren’t ya?

Yeah! So what’s it like behind the scenes of shows like 7 Days?

It’s a lot of fun! But I’m kind of an outsider ‘cos I’m of a younger generation. What people don’t realise is that all those guys are really good mates, they all hang out outside of 7 Days as well. Being able to do 7 Days for me is like getting to hang out at the cool kids’ table. Probably not the cool kids… actually definitely not the cool kids.

I’m hanging out at the funny kids’ table.

What would say has been the weirdest professional experience for you so far?

Oh man, well there’s more than a thousand.

I got banned from Cirque du Soleil for kicking one of their performers in the face accidentally, I went to Japan for one night to sing a song to Sonny Bill Williams in front of 50 Japanese people, I’ve been naked on a billboard, I’ve drunk urine, I’ve been kicked off red carpets, I’ve been in trouble with the New Zealand Rugby Association. I don’t know, so many weird

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things happen every day it’s ridiculous.

So what do you reckon your chances are at retaining your title of New What would you say has been the Zealand’s Sexiest Man on TV? highlight of your career then?

It depends, high if I wanted to do it again.

Probably Jemaine Clement from Flight of People are very skeptical of my status the Conchords learning my name. I’m the as New Zealand’s sexiest man and to be biggest Flight of the Conchords fan and that’s honest, sometimes I don’t feel like New something I aspire to be obviously, they’re Zealand’s sexiest man. Sometimes I feel amazing. I feel like people really underlike New Zealand’s best man at making up appreciate New Zealand comedy—I think it’s fake email accounts and voting for himself one of our best exports up there with movies online. But to be honest, I feel like it’s sad and Lorde. People underrate how many good to try and go in that competition again so comedians come out of New Zealand: Flight I feel like I’ve just gotta relinquish my title of the Conchords, Jarred Christmas, Urzila this year. Plus Cam Jones from Shortland Carlson who sells out shows in Australia Street is so goddamn good looking that now as well—it’s quite amazing. Rhys Darby he deserves the title. Not even I could obviously. Wilson Dixon is another one. stand in the way of that, that guy is hot.

Anyway, so my biggest accomplishment is Jemaine—after questioning him on the radio and meeting him a couple of times, at the What We Do in the Shadows premiere he said “hi Guy” and the fact he knew my name just blew my mind. Also he follows me on Twitter and he favourited my tweet so that was a highlight of my life as well.

Yeah, that’s sick! Is there anything you’re looking forward to doing during your time in Wellington?

I always love going to Wellington. I’m looking forward to reading Salient ‘cos I always enjoy that. I’m looking forward to going to the library in the quad which is real flash now. I always enjoy going to the store Emporium next to the bucket fountain and buying vintage clothing and to Graphic, the comic book store next to Matterhorn. My favourite place to eat when I was a student was Higher Taste which is near the InterContinental Hotel, it’s a Hare Krishna restaurant—fond memories of that place and piling up the plate for $8. That’s my final answer, going to the Hare Krishna restaurant to have an $8 plate of mush piled as high as I can.

I’ve just got one last question for you. It’s shoot, shag or marry: Helen Clark, Judy Bailey and Jaime Ridge?

Well this is a very sexist question! Thank you for asking it. This is a terrible question, there’s no way of answering this well.

Okay, I’d marry Helen Clark ‘cos I love her, I’d shoot Jaime Ridge and shag Judy Bailey? There’s no good answer to this!

There’s really not, I’m sorry!

That question is going to look sexist as hell so you did it, not me, alright?

It’s actually not my fault, that was the one thing my editor told me to do, to end with shoot, shag or marry.

Put this in the story, say that I say your editor’s got dumb ideas. Is your editor a man or a woman?

A man.

Make sure you write that he has dumb ideas, quote Guy Williams. You put me in a real awkward position there, I had to say I was going to shag one, shoot one, it’s not gonna turn out… you backed me into a corner, it’s all your fault!

INTERVIEW

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Savage is a founding member of rap crew the Deceptikonz, and is the first New Zealand rapper to have a platinum record in the United States (‘Swing’). Last year he returned to the charts with ‘Freaks’, a collaboration with Timmy Trumpet, and now he’s coming to O-Week!

Here is Salient’s interview with the great man.

Salient: Hi Savage, nice to meet you. What are you most looking forward to when you come to Wellington?

Savage: Outstanding. Do you have any wild stories from previous trips to the capital?

Savage: Wow, that’s really interesting. When did that happen?

Savage: Yeah, Dawson’s Creek is great. You took a while out from releasing new material after the success of ‘Swing’, can we expect to see much new stuff in the near future?

Savage: Interesting. So has anybody come forward yet with information about where the freaks at?

Savage: And what did they say?

Savage: Cool. No, I don’t like celery either.

Savage:

Yeah, it’s gross, I don’t see the appeal at all. Who would you say are your main influences?

Savage: Before or after Swordfishtrombones?

Savage: Cool. Where do you hope to go in the future?

Savage: Oh, like literally?

Savage: That’s cool. Mars is dope. Aren’t you worried about the lack of atmosphere though?

Savage: One last question: shoot, shag, marry—Scribe, King Kapesi and P-Money?

Savage: I’d never thought of it like that before. Thanks Savage, looking forward to the gig on Thursday!

Savage:

Savage is performing live at the Hunter Lounge on Thursday 26 February.

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months ago, which was all your own music, and you’re working on your debut album right?

Sam: We’re getting there. We want to record a decent amount of material, probably more than an album’s worth, and we’re still looking at different ways to release it.

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Matt: We’re writing a lot at the moment.

Sam: There should be some new stuff coming out in the not so distant future.

That Band You Might Have Seen Outside Reading: Drax Project

BY ROB BARRATT If you’ve ever been to town on a Friday or Saturday night, you’ve probably seen this four-person band playing outside Courtenay Place’s Reading Cinemas. Made up of Shaan Singh, Sam Thomson, Matt Beachen and Ben O’Leary, Drax Project has been making waves with a blend of inventive covers and original material, playing at Rythym and Vines and releasing their first EP. Rob: You guys have been playing in Wellington for a while now right?

Matt: Yeah, mostly in Wellington. We started off busking, and went from there to uni O-Week shows, then to the bar circuit.

Sam: That started off as a two-piece with Matt and Shaan busking. I remember when I first started at uni I saw you playing outside Reading Cinemas, did they ever actually agree to you being there?

Matt: We just turned up, didn’t ask any questions and kept to ourselves, but there were a few times they told us to go away Did you listen to them?

Matt: We pushed our luck pretty hard, and I wouldn’t say we ever got shut down.

When they told us to stop we usually just went to the other side of the road.

Sam: It was super good exposure doing all that. I don’t think we realised at the time quite how much the busking did for us.

Did you ever expect that the busking

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was going to take you to where you are now? You just played at Rhythm and Vines, and that’s quite a change.

Sam: For the group of people who are involved, I think it was a pretty natural progression. Speaking from my perspective, we’ve always wanted to do our own music, and we never had the opportunity to do that when busking.

Matt: To me, busking is the lowest form of performing, you’re just playing. So when you get a gig from that, it’s a good base to go from.

Sam: For us it was a really good way of learning what works. Finding the balance of playing what we enjoy and having fun, and understanding what the listener will stop for. Because if people aren’t stopping and people aren’t giving you money, something’s not working. So busking helps you figure out what’s good.

Matt: We’re very thankful to Macklemore for making ‘Thrift Shop’.

I suspect you’ve probably had enough of that by now.

Matt: Yeah, we played it about 5000 times. Though it is pretty cool, when you search Google for us it comes up with all these articles about us playing it.

You released your first EP six

So who would you say your main influences are?

Matt: We’re all totally different... In terms of specifics I’m into contemporary hip hop, some housey stuff, people like Kendrick Lamar and Drake. I like analysing what’s new, and what they’re bringing out.

Ben: Hard out into Jeff Buckley over the last couple of years, along with some hip hop and jazz stuff.

Sam: I’m just into heaps of weird stuff.

Right now I’m into Torus, a producer from Holland, Tigran Hamasyan, an Armenian Jazz/contemporary guy, and other jazz and hip hop. I guess a lot of the stuff I listen to is way more left field than the stuff we play, but I can take elements of it.

Final question that apparently has to be asked—fuck, marry, kill. Let’s do John Key, Helen Clark and Winston Peters.

Matt: I’d marry Winny, probably get at John Key, then probably kill Helen. Sorry Helen.

Ben: I think we have the same ideas about the old Winny there. Marry that man. I’d probably pop off John Key then spend a night with Helen.

Sam: I dunno, I’m really stumped here. I feel like Helen is quite reliable, you know?

So I’d probably marry her. Winston’s a bit more volatile, a bit all over the place, so I’d probably do him. I’m not so much a fan of old John, so he’s gone, he’s out.

See Drax Project at San Francisco Bath House on Saturday 28 February (door sales only).

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NOE5827 Uni O-Week Salient v8.indd 1

16/02/15 11:03 AM

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WISDOM WISDOM NUGGETS These are some nuggets of wisdom I obtained during my first year of university.

I now bestow them upon you.

Some are more significant than others.

Prioritise them how you see fit. by ella yule 03. Lanyards

You WILL regret wearing your lanyard around campus. It’s okay, it’s a common error of judgement (I will personally own up to this) but it’s not too late to pass it off as a satirical jab at fresher culture.

Unless of course, wearing your lanyard is a means of self-expression, in which case, no judgement, you do you.

01. Use initiative

Don’t be that kid on your course Facebook page who asks what the layout and referencing requirements are, or what your course coordinator’s email is, or when the assignment’s due. One of the key differences between high school and university is that you shouldn’t have to be spoon fed. Go on a voyage of discovery and check the student handbook—or Google it.

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02. We be clubbing all night and day

It’s very easy to get sucked into the madness that is club sign ups. It’s super fun and beneficial to get involved in as much as possible, but be somewhat selective about what you put yourself down for, or you’ll end up feeling guilty about deleting emails en masse.

04. You’ll last longer

It is TOTALLY acceptable—scratch that, ENCOURAGED—to wear flat shoes when clubbing. Hills and heels are like Heathcliff and Catherine, and drunkenly manoeuvring the Dixon or Church street steps is significantly less difficult when not on stilts.

Unless, of course, having broken ankles makes you feel beautiful, in which case, no judgement, you do you.

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05. The Halls Have Eyes

Be aware that there is a possibility that you are being watched. Start watching a Dota stream, or reading Johnlock fanfic during a lecture, and you may find yourself on the Overheard/Overseen at Vic Facebook page.

Make of this what you will.

07. Expand your horizons

Chances are that the people you are best buds with in O-Week will not be your long-term friends. The best course of action, strategically, is to make as many acquaintances as you possibly can. It’s scary as shit, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. Sit by strangers in your lectures and tutorials (it does help if you actually go to these) or join a table of strangers at lunch. Most people are just as alone and overwhelmed as you are and they’ll welcome the interaction.* You’ll expand your social circles, have a wider selection of candidates to participate in certain activities with and maybe meet some friends for life.

09. Posses are passé

For most, the time spent at university will be the most social period of your life. You are surrounded by people constantly. But being content with your own company is a skill everyone should cultivate. You become more self-sufficient, you aren’t limited by the wants and needs of others and you don’t have to wait around for people, who don’t know what they want, to make a decision.

(Also, for my singles out there, being able to pull in clubs becomes infinitely easier when riding solo—just make sure you’re safe).

*Prime window of opportunity: the first two to three weeks.

06. Don’t screw the crew

It’s been said before but it appears it needs to be reiterated. While I personally know couples who are a proven exception to the rule, falling madly in love—or even just sleeping with—the person in the room across the hall from you is a Big Risk. There’s a 2.5 per cent chance that you two will end up being the real life Carl and Ellie from Up, and a 97.5 per cent chance that something will go embarrassingly wrong. If you’re really keen on them, wait a couple of months before making a decision. Witness them at their most tragic: help put them to bed and make sure they’re not lying in their own vomit etc. Know what you’re getting yourself in for.

08. (Sometimes it even gets stolen…)

For God’s sake, if you put laundry on that is due to finish at 2;30pm, you better be standing there, waiting at 2;29. Washing machines are almost always in high demand (especially when people have tests and exams coming up) and if you aren’t keeping to a tight schedule, then you better make sure that you’re okay with the possibility of strangers touching your underwear.

10. 40-60 winks

You may not have had a nap since you were in kindergarten, but all of a sudden, at university, Naps Are Everything. It’s a strangely universal truth and I have no idea why it happens. Once upon a time you could do six hours of school, 10 hours of internet and then crash at 3am. Now, you sit down to do a four-page reading and boom, you’re out. Naps are glorious, but when abused they can seriously hold you back from achieving things. If you feel yourself fading, set an alarm on your phone. Anything over an hour and you’ll either wake up feeling groggy or just hit snooze and call it a night—even if it’s only 10am. Everything in moderation, kids.

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You will soon realise that all of the clothes you own that you thought were cool are actually shit, cuz now you’re in the ‘style capital’ of NZ. Get set to mortgage your left nut, sacrifice your first born and sell your virginity to afford a secondhand textbook that will lose half its value because another edition will come out the next year.

The only way to make friends is to not be the one actually trying to make friends.

If you want to survive lectures, don’t put your hand up for the first two weeks. Actually, don’t put it up the whole year.

Don’t be a hero. Don’t purchase the most expensive drinks in the first week to look classy. Just grab a box of Cindy’s and leave your dignity in the fridge at the Mill.

If you’re going to turn up 10 minutes late to your 45-minute lecture, don’t bring a full cup of coffee: you have the rest of the day to be unproductive and drink coffee you can’t afford.

Be prepared to spend all your money on the first night, because you didn’t pre-drink and now you’re too insecure to talk to anyone in the club.

Don’t be ‘that guy’ who falls in love with the girl he kissed on the first Sunday night in O-Week.

Seriously.

You will wake up at 10am and still feel like you’ve been hit by a bus.

It’s a long ride.

Get ready to eat every single variety of potatoes, all of which look and taste the same—like shit.

The one day you’re not being served cat food, get in early, because apparently $344 a week doesn’t justify everyone getting a piece of steak.

Tip of the week: Grab a copy of Salient because it’ll be the most reading you do this week.

See you in town, Tom and Luke.

P.S. if you’re doing Law... lol.

They lied about the four-week slump, it’s actually not that bad...

JK, it’s horrible, and it happens on the Monday of the second week when you realise it’s time to stop drinking and start not reading your textbooks.

We hope you like potatoes, rice and pasta (and pasta, rice and potatoes) because the hostels have enough to feed a small African village for an eternity.

Are you up for a piece of the $7,950 prize money?

WATCH OR COMPETE IN THESE QUICK FIRE RACES, WITH A PARTY ATMOSPHERE AND CELEBRITY GUESTS.

SUNDAY 26th APRIL 2015 THAMES CENTENNIAL POOL

http://fast25sthames.weebly.com

www.salient.co.nz

• Gates open at 3pm with the event starting at 4pm • POOLSIDE VIP TABLES $100 per head – unlimited food and complimentary bar • General Admission $10

31

Student Health Maori Ora

If you’re new to Victoria, you won’t yet have discovered Student Health. Our main clinic is located on the Kelburn campus, level 1 of the Student Union building, but we have a smaller, satellite clinic at the Pipitea campus too. As well as offering all the services you would expect from a regular medical centre, we specialise in student health.

We provide confidential medical and nursing care delivered by a large team of doctors, nurses and support staff. We work hand-inhand with the counselling team, and aim to provide a holistic approach to your health and well-being. The services we offer include: + Treatment for illnesses and injuries; Management of psychological issues including stress, anxiety and depression; +Consultation and support for sexual and contraceptive issues, including STI checks, pregnancy, cervical smears, and contraceptive advice. We also provide unlimited condoms free of charge!

+Support with making healthy life style changes such as stopping smoking, reducing weight, discussing alcohol and drug issues; + Guidance and management of ongoing health conditions e.g. asthma, diabetes, epilepsy, mental health; +Immunisations including the meningococcal disease, gardasil, measles, mumps and rubella, pertussis (whooping cough), and influenza (flu) vaccine; + Travel health including medical kits and travel immunisations;

+Medical assessment for diving, and driving medicals; + Specialist clinics (dermatology, diabetes and psychiatry) are also run from Maori Ora. How to access us Reception is open during business hours on (04) 463 5308. Please call to book a routine appointment, order a prescription to be picked up, or to leave a message for a doctor or nurse. The usual waiting time for an appointment is one to five days, but this can vary.

If you are very unwell or require immediate help, there is an emergency clinic available daily from 8.30am-4.30pm. You can phone or walk in to the clinic. Patients in the emergency clinic are prioritised—those who are more unwell will be seen first.

Outside business hours, your phone call will be diverted to the Wellington Accident and Medical Centre (wamc.co.nz). They have doctors available until 11pm each night.

What does it cost?

All students who have paid the Student Services Levy can use Student Health at low cost. If you are a New Zealand resident, you have the option of formally enrolling here— this means your appointments will be free! If you stay enrolled with your previous GP, you can still be seen but will be charged a fee.

International students can also be seen at Student Health. The cost of your appointment is usually covered by insurance if you have it—however, for “pre-existing” medical conditions, prescriptions and certain tests, fees may be charged.

To find out more about Student Health please visit our website at www.victoria.ac.nz/studenthealth or come and visit us in person.

+ Skin cancer screening and minor surgery for moles, lumps and bumps;

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VISUAL ARTS

Sculptures of New York

The Top Three Creative Havens of Wellington

By Sharon Lam

Another year lies before us, offering, but not promising, the moments and things we want and need. The calendar gives us a fresh sense of time, and all feels slightly new.

With a careful tread you might make this last, but it is easy to fall victim to routine, to become disenchanted. If you do find yourself in a rut, keep these places in mind:

“People think that just because I’m made entirely of terracotta that I’m tough on the inside as well as out. While the latter I suppose is true, I’m really quite sensitive and having to play the ‘tough guy’ all the time is pretty difficult, especially when it comes to relationships. I hope one day that I’ll be able to embrace my inner softness and find someone to share that with.”

City Gallery—When you think of ‘art gallery’, what do you see? A logo with a trendy bold sans serif font, quiet rooms with white walls and either overly bright or overly dimmed lighting, awkward employees standing in the corners watching you as you watch the art, and neat little descriptions next to each piece that after reading you realise mean nothing at all?

Well, the City Gallery has all these things! Hooray!

Te Papa—How many times have you visited the giant squid in Te Papa? One? Two? Two hundred?

It’s arguable how many times is enough, but most agree that it is somewhere between twenty and forty visits when the novelty starts to wear off.

What not many people know is that there is in fact more to Te Papa than the giant squid (whaat?!!). The hidden masterpiece of Te Papa is in fact its 1:1 scale model of a whale’s heart, complete with a vena cava you can crawl through and sit inside, sometimes joining the company of a small child. While there are mountain summits in Nepal and ashrams in India, the inside of this plastic whale heart is arguably the most soul-inspiring place to Find Yourself.

The Bucket Fountain—did you know that the bucket fountain is in fact the world’s best sculpture? It’s true! It is amazing. Kinetic, splashy, inspiring, so powerfully moving is this piece of art that many visitors swear they have been cured of disease, found love, and generally just woken up from the stupor that was their prior life and became successful and beautiful overnight. Many have had their lives changed, and you can too. Conveniently situated in Cuba St, if you have never had a cathartic experience with art, the Bucket Fountain will change this, and change you.

www.salient.co.nz

“What brought you to New York?”

“I moved here two years ago, with dreams of becoming an Abercrombie & Fitch model. It’s been tough, especially with several missing limbs. I thought that being one of the earliest surviving examples of classical Greek sculpture would give me that cutting edge, but it seems that what agents are looking for are ‘eye sockets that aren’t empty’ and ‘human flesh’.”

“What keeps you going?”

“I’m currently in a Gap store window on Sixth, and I’m hopeful that one day the right talent scout will walk past and see me for all my potential.”

SALIENT FM

rob

THE NEW NAME FOR VBC! LISTEN IN 88.3 FM OR AT SALIENT.ORG.NZ

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Science

Three-Parent Children— What’s Up With That?

Earth Isolated from Popular Transistors Get Downsized Parts of the Universe

Gus Mitchell

Bridget Pyć

You may have heard about the ‘threeparent baby’ issue that’s been in the news recently. Here’s what’s up.

They say that for every grain of sand in the world, there should be 100 Earth-like planets in the universe. So why haven’t we encountered alien life forms? One possible answer could come from the recent successes scientists have had in extending the boundaries of our cosmic map by plotting the position of our galaxy among our many neighbouring galaxies.

Brief biology refresher: every cell contains two sets of DNA, the nuclear DNA and the mtDNA. mtDNA is found in a structure called mitochondria. People only inherit mtDNA from their mother because when an egg is fertilised by a sperm, the mitocondia from the sperm is discarded, while the mitocondria from the egg is kept and replicated with every cell divison.

This means that damage to a mother’s mtDNA can lead to debilitating, incurable conditions in her children, such as diabetes, muscular dystrophy and Huntington’s.

As of 3 February, the UK has become the first country to legalise a procedure known as ‘three-parent IVF’. Damaged mtDNA is swapped out with healthy mtDNA from a donor prior to incubation, sparing the resulting child from inheriting lifethreatening conditions. The donor becomes the ‘third parent’ by contributing the genetic material in their mtDNA to the child.

It is currently unlikely that the procedure will be legalised in New Zealand, as ethical issues such as the disclosure of mtDNA donor identities have yet to be worked out. The first British threeparent babies will be due in 2016.

www.salient.co.nz

Looking out from our little blue planet, we see around 2500 different stars on a good night. This might seem huge, but it’s only 1 per cent of our galaxy, the Milky Way. And our galaxy is just one of many. The universe is an intricate web of galaxies, with some parts empty dark voids, and other parts dense with galaxies, called superclusters.

Brent Tully and his team at the University of Hawaii have created a map of the supercluster that includes our Milky Way galaxy. This enormous supercluster has been named Laniakea, Hawaiian for ‘immeasurable heaven’, a fitting name for a community millions of light-years across.

But what is most interesting about this cosmic map is our position. Earth and the Milky Way exist right at the farthest reaches of the Laniakea supercluster, with a blue void between us and parts dense with galaxies. Essentially, Earth is right at the end of the last cul-de-sac in the most boring part of town. Maybe we haven’t met anyone passing by because no one can be bothered driving all the way to our place.

Brontë Ammundsen

University of Texas researchers have created the thinnest transistor ever at only one atom thick. The bid to decrease transistor size has been an ongoing area of research and development, as being able to fit more transistors onto a microchip enables increased storage space and faster data processing in computers.

The one-atom-thick design was achieved using a silicene lattice—a two-dimensional sheet of silicon allotrope atoms inspired by the flat carbon lattice graphene. Unlike flattened graphene, silicene presents itself in a buckled honeycomb structure, creating an adjustable ‘band gap’—the energy range in a solid where no electron states can exist, a vital component for regulation of electron flow. Until now silicone and germanium have been the most commonly used elements in semiconducting transistor development. However, quantum effects mean that the electron flow can no longer be regulated in these materials when the transistors become too small.

Unfortunately, silicene is difficult to work with because it becomes unstable when exposed to air. Assistant professor Deji Akinwande and researchers at the Institute for Microelectronics and Microsystems are working to develop a new method of silicene fabrication that reduces air exposure. Success would enable commercial production of high-speed, low-energy silicene transistors.

35

Faecal Transplants Regan MacKinlay

If you fell sick in 4th century China, you might have been lucky enough to get a special bowl of ‘yellow soup’ made from the faeces of someone healthy. Sound appealing?

Human waste may disgust most of us, but it is a thriving source of good bacteria. There are more bacteria cells in our gut than human cells in the entire body. We live in symbiosis with hundreds if not thousands of different species of microorganism, and many of these bacteria carry out important tasks.

Recent studies show they affect digestive, immune, and even psychological health.

Using oral antibiotics can disrupt the balance of different types of bacteria that live in our gut and intestines. Overuse of antibiotics leaves nothing but the most resistant and harmful bacteria behind.

Some of these hardy bacteria, such as clostridium difficile, cause nausea, diarrhoea and pain when left to take over without competition from other species.

So some very clever people at the University of Colorado, Denver decided to transplant faeces from healthy people directly into the lower gut of people suffering from this infection. In 90 per cent of cases, faecal transplant led to recovery. In some parts of the United States you can now get paid up to $13,000 US a year for donating faeces five times a week. So the next time you look at a poo, don’t think ew! Think life-saving cure.

NASA plans a trip to Europa

Suspended Animation Trials Begin in Pittsburgh

Gus Mitchell

Patrick Savill.

NASA has unveiled new plans to send a probe to Jupiter’s moon Europa, long speculated to harbour extra-terrestrial life.

The Presbyterian Hospital in Pittsburgh is trialling new life-saving methods for fatally wounded patients. Surgeons are now permitted to replace the blood of patients dying from a traumatic injury with saline solution. The solution cools the body to 10°C, slowing metabolic processes and giving the surgeons extra time to operate.

Europa, one of Jupiter’s 67 confirmed moons, is well known for having a completely frozen surface. It’s basically a real-life Hoth. Data suggests that underneath the ice lies a vast ocean of liquid water. It is speculated that this planet-wide ocean could harbour aquatic alien life.

Thanks to a new budget approved by President Obama, NASA and its Jet Propulsion Laboratory will have approval to create a new probe to shoot for the frozen moon and investigate. Using ground-penetrating radar and an infrared spectrometer, the Europa Clipper probe would rest in Jupiter’s orbit, performing a regular sweep for organic molecules that could indicate the presence of alien life on Europa’s surface. It would also aim to determine the thickness and composition of her icy exterior, and relay data back to Earth.

While the promise of finding alien neighbours in our solar system is appealing to scientists, politicians are yet to be convinced. Despite presidential approval, the new NASA budget has yet to be approved by Congress. Other outlined plans include a new Mars rover, as well as further preparations for a manned mission to the Red Planet.

When a patient has suffered severe trauma their cells are deprived of oxygen and switch to anaerobic respiration. At normal temperatures the anaerobic process can only sustain cells for up to two minutes before irreparable damage occurs, meaning that surgeons have a limited window in which to act. The new procedure will hopefully allow patients to survive for several hours with no brain activity or breathing while the injury is dealt with.

In animal trials in 2002, pigs underwent uncontrolled lethal haemorrhaging before cooling and surgery. The animals survived, their memory was intact and no learning deficiencies were noticed. Informed consent for this procedure is not needed; the FDA rules the procedure exempt as patients are unconscious and have only a seven per cent chance of survival without the use of suspended animation. If the method can be extended to longer periods of time it holds promise for other applications, including cryogenics and interstellar travel.

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Birdman; Or the Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance Director: Alejandro González Iñárritu

Sam Mchesney “How did we end up here? This place is horrible. Smells like balls.”

So asks Riggin Thomson (Michael Keaton), a washed-up actor best known for playing the superhero Birdman in the early 90s. Thomson is now trying to break into Broadway with an adaptation of Raymond Carver’s What We Talk About When We Talk About Love, but everything’s going wrong and someone won’t lay off the fucking drums.

Birdman, from director Alejandro Iñárritu, is a disorienting satire that takes aim less at Hollywood blockbusters than at the pretentious elites who ignore them. Most of the film consists of a single, more-thanhour-long tracking shot, winding around Thomson as he stumbles through his tiny Broadway bubble in a drunken haze.

Kingsman: The Secret Service Directed by Matthew Vaughn

Baz Macdonald As great as the new Bond films are, it’s hard not to pine for the golden age of the spy thriller. A time when logical plot and motivation were second to a rollicking good time, and punchy one-liners and repartee reigned supreme. Matthew Vaughn’s newest action flick Kingsman: The Secret Service understands what made these classic spy thrillers great and attempts to pay homage to them by cranking these factors up to a thousand.

www.salient.co.nz

The film contains no real superhero action, but the genre itself looms large over proceedings. Keaton himself played Batman in 1989 and 1992, and opposite him is Edward Norton, who once played the Incredible Hulk (with a lot of CGI).

Robert Downey Jnr appears on TV screens to promote the new Iron Man, and there are casual references to Jeremy Renner (“he’s an Avenger now”) and Michael Fassbender (“he’s shooting the X-Men prequelprequel”). Sometimes, it’s hard to think of a Hollywood A-lister who hasn’t played a superhero, and Iñárritu drops plenty of hints why. Whenever Thomson leaves his theatre, he’s met with swarms of adoring fans. People loved those movies. Who watches plays?

The humour in Birdman is wickedly funny and sepulchrally dark. Thomson acts out What We Talk About…’s final scene, in which the lead shoots himself in the head, what feels like a dozen times. In another scene, Thomson stands on the edge of a building as a crowd gathers below. “Is this for real or are you shooting a film?” a woman calls out.

“Shooting a film,” he shouts back.

“You people,” the woman replies, “are full of shit.”

It’s a line that sums up much of the film.

Thomson, trading in his cape for a stage Following a branch of the British spy agency called Kingsman, we are treated to a My Fair Lady-type story as a veteran spy, played by the supremely badass Colin Firth, takes a young chav under his wing and turns him into a super spy. In the background, a supervillain, played by the equally awesome Samuel L. Jackson, concocts and attempts to execute a dastardly plan.

I won’t ruin the details of this adventure, but suffice it to say they do an excellent job of playing up all the best aspects of classic spy thrillers while also doing a decent, if blatant, job of illustrating what makes them ridiculous. In particular, Jackson’s villain, Richmond Valentine, is a superb blend of megalomania and eccentricity and acts as a perfect parody of the motivations and character of many of the greatest Bond villains. Nonetheless, the film suffers from some tonal imbalances, often seeming to forget what it was trying to achieve and

wig, trying to buy legitimacy through his pretentious show, is full of shit. Thomson’s co-star, Mike Shiner (Norton), whipping his cock out between soliloquies about how he owns New York, is also full of shit. And so is Thomson’s daughter Sam (Emma Stone), hiding behind her generic fucked-up teen schtick.

But Iñárritu reserves special scorn for the theatre critic, a snobbish ice queen whose New York Times column wields the absolute power to make or break a play. She is most definitely full of shit. Her power, in turn, is an implied dig at New York’s moneyed theatre-going set, who apparently possess no critical faculties of their own and are themselves full of shit. Yet it is these cultured sheep whose approval Thomson desperately craves, even as his fame with the unwashed masses—those privileged enough to decide what they like, and they like Birdman—is a source of embarrassment.

Birdman is a fantastically subversive film, full of contradictions: a film about the stage that doesn’t seem to care for it, an art film that champions mass tastes, an antielitist film set in the middle of New York with an all-white cast. With its innovative direction, genius script and universally strong performances, it’s also one of the best films so far this decade. Beat that, Marvel.

giving in to overly soppy displays of emotion.

But these small moments of imbalance are far outweighed by the spectacular vision and execution of the film’s action sequences, which were undoubtedly some of the most innovative and flawlessly achieved I’ve seen. In some cases they were sublimely choreographed and filmed, such as a fight scene involving Colin Firth in a church, which I have no doubt will become a key example of how this kind of sequence should be done. In other cases, sequences that easily could have been upsetting or disturbing became hilarious and ingenious, due no doubt to the unique vision of director Matthew Vaughn.

Kingsman suffers slightly from its imbalanced tone, but its overall themes and perspective combined with its superb action sequences make this one of the best action films of recent years. A must see.

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Fifty Shades of Grey Director: Sam Taylor-Johnson

Harry Evans It is impossible to review the film adaptation of E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey without reference to its position in culture. Like Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code and Stephanie Myer’s Twilight, a literary phenomenon is quickly hammered into a film while the public interest in the text remains, resulting in a perfunctory telling of a story that has a readymade audience.

Fifty Shades also has the added draw card of being ‘taboo’. The key dramatic tension in the film is whether our hero, college student Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson), will sign a contract that would make her the sexual submissive in an on-going BDSM relationship with abrupt billionaire, Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan).

The series of novels achieved diverse and extreme reactions; some praised it for making this alternative sexual lifestyle accessible and engaging to a broad audience. Some slammed the novels for their lack of literary merit, others for their simplistic or offensive depiction of BDSM and for the scenes in which Anastasia does not consent to the sexual activity that occurs. In the week preceding its, feminist organisations and social conservative lobby group Family First both called for

a boycott of the film, citing the way the book treats women and sexual violence.

With this background in mind, I sat down in an afternoon session of the film and prepared myself for a shocking two hours. But the loudest gasp of those hours came before the film had even started: my fellow cinema-goers seemed extremely keen on a trailer for Pitch Perfect 2.

In many ways Fifty Shades of Grey has a very traditional plot: a young girl who is pure and good (read: virginal) must choose how far she will go in order to be with a man who is hot and troubled.

This is Grease. This is Twilight. No, really, this IS Twilight. E.L. James first started writing these stories as fan fiction for that series, and the main characters are only slight variations on Bella and Edward.

Both leads do an admirable job with their paper-thin characters and a script absent of all subtlety. Johnson is really quite funny, and without this humour the film would be a struggle. Dornan is dashing but can’t really save the fact that his character is innately unrelatable.

His behaviour is manipulative and borders on abusive. His desire for dominance over Steele goes much further than the bedroom: he is constantly trying to tell her what to

do and punish her for breaching his rules.

He lacks the good heart of other literary romantic curmudgeons like Pride and Prejudice’s Mr. Darcy, which makes it hard to understand why Steele wants to be with him.

He wants her to engage in this very extreme and specific type of relationship when she really just wants a nice normal romance. I can understand why the BDSM community would not be pleased with this portrayal, as Grey’s sexual preferences are shown to be directly related to his childhood trauma.

The sex scenes are moderately graphic but not at all erotic, and BDSM is talked about much more than it is shown. The subject matter of the film is fairly unique, and I found the idea of the contract as the ‘tension point’ engaging, but there are far more interesting films about sex, power and violence, such as Steven Shainberg’s Secretary or David Lynch’s Blue Velvet.

This is a difficult film to review because it is not really very cinematic. The cinematography is unremarkable and the film’s grey colour palette is as unsubtle as the script. I did enjoy the music, especially the multiple Beyoncé tracks.

Fifty Shades of Grey is a middling film that people will see to be part of the conversation about it. It is a shame that the film couldn’t speak more for itself.

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Music SAT FEB 21

FREDDIE GIBBS @ JAMES CABARET R18 $25

SUN FEB 22

WED FEB 25

TUES FEB 24

LOVEYDOVE WITH GOLD MEDAL FAMOUS @ MEOW R18 $10

MARLON WILLIAMS AND THE YARRA BENDERS @ SAN FRAN R18 $30

GUY WILLIAMS @ THE HUNTER LOUNGE TOGA PARTY @ THE HUNTER LOUNGE R17 SOLD OUT

R17

$25-$35 THE ESTRANGED @ VALHALLA R18 S10-$15 LUNICE @ SAN FRAN R18 $25-$30

PERFUME GENIUS @ BODEGA R18 $49

THURS FEB 26 FRI FEB 27

DRAX PROJECT @ SAN FRAN R18 SOLD OUT

SAVAGE @ THE HUNTER LOUNGE R17 $25-$35 PETER HOOK AND THE LIGHT @ BODEGA R18 $65 NOISEDRONEREPEAT V @ VALHALLA R18 $5

SAT FEB 28

AWESOME TAPES FROM AFRICA @ SAN FRAN R18 $5-$10 J MASCIS @ BODEGA R18 $59.50

DISENTOMB & GUESTS @ VALHALLA R18 SPERMAIDS @ MOON R18

TWRK @ BETTYS R18 $10-$15

ANTO PASCOE WITH SPACECAKE @ HOMIES COSY TEAHOUSE R18 KOHA BLACK METAL SABBATH @ VALHALLA R18 $10 THE UNDERGROUND: MOD AND SOUL NIGHT @ FRINGE BAR R18 $5

www.salient.co.nz

o week gig guide

2015

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SUN MAR 1

MON MAR 2

AFTERNOON LIVE STARTS @ THE HUNTER LOUNGE ZEX @ VALHALLA R18 $10 AZIZI GIBSON, BLACK CITY LIGHTS, EASTERN BLOC, KAMANDI AND RACE BANYON @ MEOW R18 $5

TUES MAR 3

WED MAR 4

NENEH CHERRY WITH ROCKETNUMBERNINE @ JAMES CABARET R18 $79.90 + BF

THE NO PROBLEMOS @ SAN FRAN R18 $10-$15

THURS MAR 5

FREDDY FUDD PUCKER AND YOR CRONIES @ HOMIES COSY TEAHOUSE ALL AGES

FRI MAR 6

SIGMA @ THE HUNTER LOUNGE R17 STUDENT TICKETS SOLD OUT GA $59.90

MOGWAI @ JAMES CABARET R18 $75 + BF THE SVENS PRESENT: THE ALMANAC LIGHT SHOW ALL AGES KOHA JASON WEBLEY @ BODEGA $20 DELANEY DAVIDSON @ MEOW R18 $20-$25

SHADOWPLAY XXII @ VALHALLA R18

SAT MAR 7

SUN MAR 8

HOMEGROWN 2015 @ THE WATERFRONT $109 + BF THE UNOFFICIAL HOMEGROWN AFTER PARTY @ JAMES SMITH BASEMENT R18 $20

NEWTOWN FESTIVAL @ NEWTOWN

CHOCOLATE STRINGS ALBUM LAUNCH @ NEWTOWN FESTIVAL ALL AGES

THE SVENS PRESENT: THE ALMANAC LIGHT SHOW ALL AGES THE SVENS KOHA PRESENT: THE ALMANAC LIGHT SHOW ANTHONIE ALL AGES TONNON KOHA @ MOON R18 $15

LTTLE PHNX, POWER NAP, ROSEN, WYWY BRIX @ MEOW R18 $10

SONIC DELUSION @ THE SOUTHERN CROSS R18

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comics

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GUSSIE LARKIN nicetrym8.tumblr.com

BEST PRICE GUARANTEE We will beat any available international airfare quote or you get $1500 towards your flight.

Excludes domestic airfares. Conditions apply*. *Terms & conditions: Applies to genuine quotes from airlines and New Zealand registered businesses and websites for international travel that departs from New Zealand. Domestic airfares are excluded. Quote must be in writing, inclusive of all credit card fees, booking fees & taxes and must be presented to us prior to booking.

Fare must be available and able to be booked by the general public when you bring it to us. Fares available due to membership of a group or corporate entity or subscription to a closed group are excluded. Quote must be for same dates, flight routing, flight class, flight number and for the same number of people. We will beat your quoted price by $1.00 and issue you with a $20 Student Flights voucher and if we fail to do this, we will give you a $1500 credit to use towards the flight which we did not price beat**. Student Flights standard booking terms & conditions apply. Refer to studentflights.co.nz/bookingterms for full details.

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Wellington’s Best Bookstores Jayne Mulligan You’ve arrived in Wellington, new or returning, or perhaps you never left. Your summer has been full of boozing and binge-watching every TV show you could. Your soul is drying, and is in desperate need of some cultural hydration. Bookshops are a doctor-approved remedy for the dissolute student.

Below are four of the best bookshops in Wellington, all located as centrally as possibe, ones that are a part of the heart of this place. But this is merely the tip of the bookshop iceberg; to discover even more wonderful bookshops, get a hold of the Bookshop Map, available from most bookshops, which will guide you through Wellington and all the independent bookshops you could dream of.

Vicbooks Easterfield Building, Kelburn Parade, Wellington Founded in 1975, and entirely studentowned, Vicbooks is the main textbook supplier in Wellington. It is tailored to the student experience, but has grown to be a community bookshop. It is by far one of the best bookshops and cafés in Wellington.

The community spirit creates a warm and welcoming place where you can spend an afternoon wandering and discovering new and second-hand selected works of every kind—and all with a coffee in one hand. It also has a satellite bookshop in Pipitea, and a new café in Karori. The staff are a part of what makes Vicbooks so special. Vicbooks is a testament to the love of the written word, and they’re passionate about the bookshop world.

In the interests of full disclosure, I definitely work there, but while it may seem biased, it’s not a wrong bias to have.

Unity Books Willbank House, 57 Willis Street, Wellington Set up by the sportsman and philosopher Alan Preston in 1967, Unity Books is a Wellington institution. Situated on Willis street, Unity Books is a major central hub for bibliophiles to flock to. Stacks of books fill their floors, and a seriously impressive back catalogue lines their walls. With staff at the ready with recommendations, buying a book here is a wonderful experience. But if you can’t make it in, their online store is just as

good. Each year Unity has a calendar full of launches and readings—these events pull in the Wellingtonians in the know. To be in the know is as simple as joining their newsletter, or following their social media sites. It’s a melting pot of a particular milieu, a milieu every one wants to be a part of.

Arty Bees 106 Manners Street, Te Aro Around since 1988, Arty Bees is home to one of Wellington’s largest collection of second-hand books. Previously there were two shops, one in Cuba Street, and one in Courtney Place; they’ve always been right in the heart of the city. After condensing to a single shop, they are once more condensing, and moving from two levels to just one, allowing their shop to be filled with the ‘best of the best’ (this also means that there is a sale on all the books upstairs).

Open until 7pm every night, and 9pm on Fridays and Saturdays, Arty Bees fills a gap of late-night book perusing that other shops can’t offer. Their catalogue has fiction of every kind imaginable, particularly sci-fi and New Zealand literature. The nature of the second-hand book trade means what isn’t there one day may emerge the next, requiring regular trips. While they don’t deal in second-hand textbooks, they do offer students a 10 per cent discount with a student card. Full of corners and tightly packed shelves, searching through their collection is like searching for treasure.

Pegasus Shop 204a, Left Bank Cuba Mall Pegasus Books was first a stall at the waterfront markets, which then evolved in to a fixture on left-bank arcade, and has been there for 12 years. The walls are high and stacked with books, hand written signs accompany their specialty selections, and objects of curiosity line the shelves.

Led by various personal tastes, the store has a variety on offer, from one of the best literature collections I’ve seen in a long time to a comprehensive humanities section.

The shop has expanded and is full of winding corners and warrens to explore. The fiction section is an entire cube-shaped room, with the books lining the wall, anthologies and collections in the centre, and ladders are affixed to the walls. Something magical happens when you enter Pegasus.

Issue 1

44

Theatre

theatre issue 1 | o week

Sam Smith is a writer for 7 Days and Jono and Ben at Ten. He and his comedy group Fool House are bringing their Sketch comedy show My Sketchen Rules to the Wellington Fringe Festival.

Interviewed by Baz Macdonald

“...shag Kristen Wiig and with huge regret shoot Sarah Silverman.”

Baz: So Sam, do you want to give me a few career highlights?

So what is Fool House?

Sam: At Otago University I did a Dentistry degree while also doing the Capping Show for four years. I acted in the show for a few years and then directed it for two years, and then wrote it the year that I left.

Fool House is sketch comedy group put together by Louise Beuvink and myself. We talked about it at the comedy festival last year in Wellington. We wanted to do a sketch comedy show like Capping Show, just because we had so much fun with it. We pitched My Sketchen Rules to the Fringe Festival and since then we’ve been writing a lot and coming up with some funny stuff.

I then went to Vic and did the Masters of Scriptwriting, which I loved. Then I started doing standup a bit more and won the Wellington Raw Comedy festival in 2011. I started writing for 7 Days in 2010 and have been writing for them ever since.

What can people expect from My Sketchen Rules?

When Jono and Ben started up I sent in a submission packet and they foolishly decided to pay me to write for them. Then at the end of 2013 they offered me a job writing on staff, so I moved up to Auckland.

What’s it like working as a comedy writer in NZ? It’s really fun. Everyone who I work with are cool, relaxed people.

Most of the time we sit around yarning, trying to make each other laugh, sometimes we sit in silence trying to come up with stuff.

Especially at Jono and Ben, it’s a really good place where people take on each other’s suggestions and stitch together ideas to make something really good and funny.

What advice do you have for people who want to work as a writer in NZ? Do standup, write your own material and go out and perform it.

Find what audiences think is funny; it’s not always what you think is funny. Sometimes you can think it’s the funniest joke you have ever written but no one is laughing at it. Once you’ve been doing it for a while it becomes more intuitive and you learn what works. Just write as much as you can, sketch groups are great for that. Improv groups are also very good for comedy writers. To get work as a comedy writer, don’t be afraid to ask people for work. I got into 7 Days because I sent an email asking if I could write for them.

www.salient.co.nz

Lots of little scenes, it’s quite fast paced. A mix of different comedy stylings but all in that old school sketch vein which you don’t see much of these days, because people have moved to video sketches.

But we’re keeping it old school with a modern twist.

So in Salient tradition I’d like to ask you shoot, shag, marry. Sarah Silverman, Kristen Wiig and Tina Fey. Shit. Well, marry Tina Fey right away. She’s my favourite and my wife kind of looks like her, which is great. Damn, this is a hard choice… it might have to be… because Kristen Wiig is still producing absolutely golden comedy, and is going to be in GhostBusters, which is a favourite of mine, shag Kristen Wiig and with huge regret shoot Sarah Silverman.

Fool House Presents: My Sketchen Rules 5-7 March, 10pm, GA $10 Fringe Bar, Allen St, Wellington Bookings : www.eventfinder.co.nz facebook.com/foolhousecomedy

46

gaming

Gaming

issue 1 | o week

Evolve Developed by Turtle Rock Studios Published by 2K Games PC, XBONE, PS4

BAZ MACDONALD It’s not often that AAA developers get the chance to take big risks.

The gaming industry made an estimated US$46 billion in revenue last year, which is no doubt a ginormous amount of money, but money like that doesn’t come without equally huge financial risk.

Hence it is becoming more and more rare for publishers to let developers experiment outside of popular genres and explore the realms of ‘high concept’ gameplay ideas. This makes the mere existence of Turtle Rock Studio’s newest game Evolve so startling—a game that screams “high concept” from every pixel. 2K Games allowed its developers the flexibility to try something new, to take risks. Which is why it makes me so damn happy that it paid off.

The term ‘high concept’ means an idea that can be pitched succinctly in one sentence. However, publishers in the gaming industry want not a sentence, but an acronym that sells a game to a customer. FPS, MMO, MOBA, RTS—the list goes on. In the gaming industry, ‘high concept’ means more than an acronym.

Evolve is an First Person Shooter (FPS) in which four Hunters attempt to track down and kill a Monster, who is played by a fifth player operating in a third-person action framework. No doubt much more wordy than just saying FPS—but it’s in all those extra words that the innovation and fun take place.

This original idea is brought to us by the same team responsible for the excellent Left for Dead series and is set on the planet Shear in a distant future where humans have colonised much of space. The planet Shear is a wild planet, where humans have begun to take root, but the planet is still very much untamed and occupied by dangerous and spectacular fauna and wildlife.

www.salient.co.nz

9/10

Playable online or offline, you get to choose who you play as. If you are a hunter you have the choice of four classes, each of which has three unlockable characters with their own unique skill sets. Assault are the damage dealers, Medics the healers, Support the defenders and Trappers can hunt down the monsters and hold them in an area. Or you can choose to be a Monster.

The game consists of matches in which Monster is pitted against Hunters. The aim for the Monster is ultimately to kill all the Hunters or complete an objective. The Hunters’ assignment is simple: kill the Monster. Turtle Rock has done a phenomenal job balancing these two experiences. I was deeply impressed by the how equal both the challenge and the reward of playing as both a Hunter and the Monster are.

Though the game consists only of these competitive matches, it is kept constantly interesting and dynamic by 12 different maps and a litany of map conditions that change from match to match including weather and dynamic events. Every game feels so different and creates an atmosphere that is truly palpable.

Aside from the pure joy of the hunt, the game keeps players engaged through an excellent progression system whereby players unlock additional characters by gaining experience. Though it may not be the most profoundly interesting or innovative way to keep players engaged, I am a sucker for this kind of system and eagerly dedicated myself to leveling up characters to unlock new ones.

Evolve is a AAA experience, but also a very innovative, original and engaging one. It’s not often these concepts go together anymore, so I suggest you check it out.

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