Issue 00 ~ Orientation

E D I T O R I A L

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L E T T E R S & N O T I C E S

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WELCOMES

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NEWS News 6 Politics 12 Sh*t News 13 Tweets of the Week 14

FEATURES Togas not for you? That’s cool. 16 First Class from Hawera to Himatangi 20 Tuakana Teina: Self Care 26

C A M P U S M A P 24

COLUMNS Shit Chat 28 Ngāi Tauira 29 Token Cripple 30 Mauri Ora 31 32 Dream Diagnosis Salient FM VUWSA 33 One Ocean Uni Council 34

POEM

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REVIEWS Books 36 Food 37 Film 38 Television 39 Art 40 Gig 42

ENTERTAINMENT Horoscopes 44 Puzzles 45 Comics 46

Whether this is your first time at university or your fifth, we want you to remember that Salient is here for you, regardless of where you come from.

Living and breathing in a university is its own journey.

You’ll walk alongside the local activists, the shy internet guys, the athletic Instagram models, and the, “I didn’t study, how did I get an A?” classmates.

You’ll meet people who challenge your core values, that mate who likes the same weird shit you do, that ex that stalks you for the next twenty years, and that lecturer who supports your passions well beyond the classroom (and yes, it’s too soon to add them on Facebook).

Endless, exciting, and disorderly experiences are at your fingertips. Use ‘em before you lose ‘em.

Where there are boring powerpoints and too much downtime, we are here with horoscopes and sexual innuendos. Where there is apathy and conformity, we are here with investigation and opposition.

Attending lectures, sleeping through tutorials, and doing weekly quizzes worth 5% of your grade can eat up most of your youth. At some point this year, you will burn out. You’ll have the feeling that you don’t have enough time to figure out how you feel and you’ve just gotta keep going.

Sure, Vic has its individual parts busting with compassion and academia. But at the end of the day, the university is a money-making entity. Don’t be afraid to question everything, especially why you’re at university in the first place. The more you understand that, the richer your time here will be.

You’ll experience a whirlwind of emotions as you attempt to grasp multiple frameworks and processes—running off of microwaved meals, overpriced coffee, and cheap beer that reminds you that you’re a student and this is supposed to be fun.

We’ll close with this: Salient is a student magazine made for students, by students. Everyone is welcome to fill its pages. We’ll spend many an all-nighter sweating onto our keyboards, shaking from the instant coffee disposed to us by the ivory town that is VUWSA—all for you. Come rain or shine, our fires will continue to burn. Join the party if you like.

We understand that, because we were too, not so long ago. Know that we’ve got your back. Salient was founded in 1938 by a guy called “Bonk”. You can read the poem from which Salient acquired its name on page 36. Bonk wanted Salient to be “an organ of student opinion at Victoria”—and, goddam, do we plan to continue that legacy.

Kii Small & Taylor Galmiche

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send your notices to editor@salient.org.nz

BUS ZONE FEES

VUWSA FAQS

SNAPPER

ADULT

STUDENT

ZONE 1 ZONE 2 ZONE 3

$ 1. 71 $ 2 . 81 $ 3. 74

$ 1. 28 $ 2 .11 $ 2 . 81

Do I need my Student ID to get into events?

Sometimes. If you have a Combo Ticket or a Toga Party ticket, those are for VUW students only. If you have one of those tickets you will need to have your VUW Student ID, or your Confirmation of Study with you.

Otherwise we may not let you come in.

CASH

ADULT

STUDENT

Am I allowed to drink at OWeek events?

ZONE 1 ZONE 2 ZONE 3

$2.50 $4.00 $ 5. 0 0

$2.50 $4.00 $ 5. 0 0

If you choose to drink during OWeek, VUWSA wants you to be safe and drink responsibly. If you’re 18 years old you are able to buy alcohol at our NSO Week events.

But be warned, if you turn up to any of our events and our staff believe you’re too drunk, or acting in an unsafe or inappropriate manner, we have the right to send you home. You will not be allowed into VUWSA events if you’re wasted.

NVDA TRAINING NOTICE Mon violent direct action learn the skills to take action on the climate crisis Check out extinctionrebellion.nz for more info.

Koha for Entry

sponsored by 4

GRANT GUILFORD

JUSTIN LESTER

Kia ora and a warm welcome to Victoria University of Wellington and Orientation Week 2019.

Kia ora and welcome to the coolest little capital!

To those of you returning to Wellington for 2019, welcome back.

To those of you here for the first ime, you’re in for a fantastic year in the world’s most liveable city. Each of you bring a unique contribution to Pōneke, and I’m absolutely thrilled to have you here for as long as you’d like to stay.

To our first year students: Congratulations on your excellent enrolment choice! You are embarking on a wonderful period in your lives and the education you receive here will stand you in good stead for your future careers and roles, whatever path you take.

You’ve made a great choice to study in Wellington –Victoria University is one of the country’s leading tertiary education providers. This is the place of the possible and I urge you to make the most of every chance you have to get involved, make a difference and express yourself.

Wellington is a fantastic city to be a student in—it is safe, vibrant, and welcoming—and the student experience at this university is second to none.

Wellington is a place where ideas happen, where law is made, where hīkoi end, where people connect with nature, and find friends for life. I encourage you to get out and explore what the city has to offer.

Wellington has a lot to offer. Explore our urban green spaces, world-class waterfront, parks, gardens and beaches. Embrace our rich arts and cultural scene, live music, public art, festivals and events.

As a university, we live and breathe our capital city location.

As you progress through your studies, you will benefit from the strong and unique links Victoria University of Wellington has with government departments and agencies, business, iwi, the judiciary, research institutions, cultural and environmental organisations, and the diplomatic community.

Enjoy everything from craft beer breweries and world-renowned coffee, to hundreds of restaurants and eateries, to the dynamic nightlife scene. Most of all make the absolute most of our compact, vibrant city and all that it encompasses.

2019 is set to be a massive year with lots of things to see, do and experience in Wellington. A few highlights to keep an eye out for are CubaDupa, Newtown Festival, Wellington On A Plate, Matariki ki Pōneke, NZ Fringe Festival, LitCrawl, and sports events like Wellington Phoenix and Hurricanes games. On top of this we host a huge number of local performers and international acts, and countless other events throughout the year. There are student concessions available for many of these, and for public transport –so try not to lose your student ID!

But it’s your first week, and that transition to university can feel pretty daunting—whether you’ve come straight from secondary school or you are back studying after taking a break, it is a time of massive adjustment and change.

So if you need help, please ask. There is lots of support available, from services such as Student Learning, Mauri Ora (Student Counselling and Health), whānau support for Māori and Pasifika students, support for the rainbow community, and Student Finance for budgeting needs. Everyone is focused on helping you to succeed in your studies and to make the most of your time here.

For many of you, your time at Vic will be one of the best times of your life – embrace every opportunity and work hard. Explore the city and your mind, and of course, have lots of fun along the way.

We also encourage you to get involved in university life beyond the academic realm. The university offers innovative leadership experiences through the respected Victoria International Leadership Programme and Victoria Plus, and we have over 130 clubs and societies.

2019 is going to be a great year. All the best!

Ngā mihi Justin Lester Mayor of Wellington

You are now part of the University and Wellington communities, which brings benefits and responsibilities. I hope you will relish the opportunities and have fun, particularly during Orientation Week. However, please treat our neighbours respectfully, look out for your friends, and keep yourselves safe.

I wish you all the best for the start of your university life.

Professor Grant Guilford Vice-Chancellor

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ISSUE 0

SALIENT

News. keen eye for news? send us any tips, leads or gossip to news@salient.org.nz

T HE E ND O F FOU N TA I N TOW N ?

L IQUO R BA N DIS C U S S E D FO R K E LB U R N PA R K JOHNNY O’HAGAN BREBNER Wellington City Council (WCC) may impose a liquor ban on Kelburn Park.

The city council accepted a proposal from the City Strategy Committee on December 12 to work with Victoria University of Wellington towards resolving offensive alcohol-related behav- iour in Kelburn.

The proposal requires the council to “consult with the community to create an Alcohol Ban area at Kelburn Park... [and] report back on the consultation by 30 June 2019.”

The council’s motion to support the bylaw was carried with 14 councillors (including Mayor Justin Lester) in support, with only Councillor Iona Pannett opposed.

Both of WCC’s representatives on the Youth Council, Councillors Jill Day and Simon Wolfe, voted in support.

Councillor Day, who also leads the council’s Children and Young People portfolio, emphasised the complexity of the debate, and the importance of consultation as part of the process

for considering a ban. She encourages VUW students to engage with consultation.

“My primary concern is the well-being of all citizens. This is not a simple issue, so we will be listening to all submissions with an open mind.”

WCC minutes suggest the proposal follows ongoing problems with alcohol-fueled behaviour in Kelburn Park.

A neighbourhood meeting of Kelburn residents on Wednesday, 20 February reflected this concern.

A number of residents outlined significant anti-social behaviour from drunk students, including the breaking of property and verbal threats.

Although a liquor ban was the obvious first choice for some Kelburn residents, the development of VUW’s existing restorative justice programme and messaging campaigns in Halls of Residence were also discussed.

The consultation process is expected to begin soon.

MAP OF APPROXIMATE LOCATION OF CURRENT ALCOHOL BAN USE WEIR HOUSE BAN AREA AFTER 10PM

CURRENT COUNCIL BAN AREA

PROPOSED COUNCIL BAN AREA

UNIVERSITY BAN AREA

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News.

G OV E R N MEN T TO FU N D N EW HE P C MEDI CATI ON JOHNNY O’HAGAN BREBNER

“Maviret is a simpler treatment [...], has fewer side effects and fewer interactions with other medicines, which should be reassuring for patients,” Dr Clark said.

Mauri Ora told Salient that any GP, including those at their practice, can prescribe Marivet. However, only some pharmacies are accredited to dispense it.

Currently, Life Pharmacy Manners Street is the only accredited pharmacy in central Wellington.

Hep C is spread through contact with infected blood and other bodily fluids—often linked to shared needles.

Mauri Ora recommends seeking advice from a GP if you are concerned you may have the disease.

In addition to funding Marivet for Hep C (of any stage), PHARMAC will be funding another drug, Harvoni, for severe liver damage.

Thousands of people living with Hepatitis C could be cured with the government now funding Marivet, a highly effective cure.

Hep C is a virus which attacks the liver. Often, it has only mild symptoms, but left untreated it can cause significant liver damage and cancer.

It is consequently the leading cause of liver transplants in New Zealand.

The Ministry of Health estimates that 50,000 people have the disease in New Zealand (the popula- tion of Porirua), only approximately half of whom are diagnosed.

Marivet could significantly reduce that rate. Minister for Health Dr David Clark announced the “99% effective” cure would be subsidised by PHARMAC from February 1.

PHARMAC is the government agency responsible for deciding which medications are subsidised for the public.

Mauri Ora: (04) 463 5308 Wellington Sexual Health Clinic: (04) 385 9879 Drug and Health Development Project (Needle Exchange): 233a Willis Street, Te Aro

V UW COMP S C I STU DEN T H ELPI N G I N F IG H T AGAI N ST SU PERB UG S SHANTI MATHIAS

This should reduce antibiotic resistance developing in bacteria.

Data from the app is stored on a secure server hosted by database service Mongo DB, which is integrated with the District Health Board’s systems.

Empiric has been a success so far. Dr Michelle Balm, head of CCDHB Infection Services, said in a press release that, “since it was launched it has been downloaded 700 times outside of CCDHB.” “Infection specialists around New Zealand and the Pacific Islands are also interested in adopting the ‘Empiric’ format for their antibiotic guidelines.”

The flexibility and personalised treatment plans allowed by Empiric lend to its scalability.

“We allow any other hospital to import their local data and start publishing their version of Empiric for their local use in other countries,” Javaher said to Salient.

A Victoria University student has created an app to help limit the development of antibiotic-resistant bacteria.

The Capital and Coast District Health Board (CCDHB) Infection Services collaborated with Mansour Javaher, a software engineering student, to develop the app.

The app, named “Empiric,” was part of Javaher’s Honours degree and based on CCDHB’s infection protocols.

Empiric is largely an administrative aid, keeping track of “what antibiotic was administered by which doctor, when, under which condition, and […] the clinical response,” said James Quilty, director of the Engineering Programme and Javaher’s Honours supervisor.

Specifically, the app replaces previous protocols by customising treatment plans. It asks those prescribing antibiotics questions about the patient and their course of care to calculate drug dosages.

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News.

C R IT ICIS M A N D AP OLOGY FOR R EMOVA L O F A N TI - SEXUAL V I OLEN CE EMMA HOUPT

CW: Sexual Violence Anti-sexual assault crowd signs targeting Black Cap Scott Kuggeleijn have caused a stir at two Twenty20 International cricket matches this month.

A sign which stated “no means no” was removed by New Zealand Cricket (NZC) and Westpac Stadium at a Wellington Twenty20 International match on February 6.

At a second Twenty20 International match at Auckland’s Eden Park on February 8, audience member Madeleine Chapman was asked to take down her anti-sexual assault banner because it was covering sponsorship signage.

Chapman said the sign was directed at people who “needed a reminder about ongoing consent.”

She said the removal of the original sign in Wellington “ironically helped spread the message” about ongoing consent.

In February 2017, Kuggeleijn was found not guilty for the rape of a woman in 2015. Shortly after the retrial, he was selected to start playing for the Black Caps.

His selection and NZC’s subsequent silence on the issue drew criticism.

However, NZC Public Affairs Manager Richard Boock told Stuff they were apologetic for removing the sign at Westpac Stadium.

“We agree the course taken was an over-reaction and unnecessary, and the sign certainly wasn’t offensive.”

“We’ll be having a chat about it in our debrief with a view to making sure that doesn’t happen again, and we’re sorry,” said Boock.

Sports and Recreation Minister Grant Robertson told the New Zealand Herald that NZC should speak up about people’s frustrations around Kuggeleijn.

“In my opinion, it is vital that all sports bodies are clear about their responses when conduct by their elite and contracted players goes against the values they seek to uphold.”

T H E NAME CH AN G E: A H EL P F UL G U ID E TO AN EN DLESS FARCE ANNABEL MCCARTHY

The Victoria University of Wellington Council has not ruled out legal action after a failed attempt to change the university’s name.

The council made a formal application to remove the word “Victoria” from the university’s legal name in September 2018, simplifying the name to “University of Wellington”.

The adoption of a new Māori name, Te Herenga Waka, was also proposed.

According to Vice-Chancellor Grant Guilford, the decision came about after analysis showed overseas confusion with similarly named institutions. The council hoped simplification would address such issues.

The cost of the change was expected to reach almost $1 million.

Feedback received during consultations revealed significant opposition to the name change from students and alumni, and a division amongst university staff.

Victoria University of Wellingtons Students’ Association (VUWSA) submitted on the proposal after receiving roughly 800 responses; most of them opposed.

A petition also gained more than 10,000 signatures in opposition.

Mr Guilford said the university received “only a modest number” of submissions on the proposal.

Education Minister Chris Hipkins made the decision to decline the change in December.

The minister said he was not convinced the university had “engaged sufficiently with the views of those stakeholders who should have their views considered.”

Wellington City Councillors also recently passed a notice of motion to oppose the name change.

A University Council meeting was held in February where members discussed independent legal advice sought by the university on the issue.

The advice was privileged, therefore not open for public discussion.

However, the Council did discuss how to improve its heavily criticised consultation process.

Student Councillor Isabella Lenihan-Ikin advised that although VUWSA was under-resourced for such projects, it would have the mandate to carry out student consultation.

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Politics.

THE NA ME C H ANG E SAG A D I AG RA M CONSULTATION FEBRUARY 2018

1 MAY - 8 JUNE Uni Council Announces

Initial Feedback Period

Confidential Engagement Begins

27 JULY Draft Decision

7 FORUMS 5 Staff 1 Stakeholder 1 Student 1 Alumni 1 Public

24 SEPTEMBER Affirmed

by UC

27 JULY - 27 AUGUST RESPONSES Staffs Stakeholders Students Alumni VUWSA Public

Final Decision of UC

POST - CONSULTATION 18 DEC Minister Refuses Request

Further Consultation

THE FUTURE

11 FEB

Formal Consultation Period

KEY

Potential Consultation Reform

UC Meeting May Seek Work Around

UC seeks Legal Advice

Generally Supportive of Change

Legal Challenge

De Facto Change

To be Discussed

Generally Opposed to Change

Not Yet Released

Unclear / Unknown Position

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News.

#OUR P R IDE:WIL L W ELLINGTON PROTESTS WEL LINGTON MARC H IN S OLIDARIT Y W IT H W I T H AUCK L AND? IHUMATAO LAND C LAI M JOHNNY O’HAGAN BREBNER

KAT BUISSINK

Despite months of turmoil, the Auckland Pride Festival successfully turned its usual Pride Parade into a Pride March.

However, Wellington seems unlikely to follow suit.

The Board, which organises the Auckland Pride Festival and Parade, introduced the policy over concern about the Police’s negative history with the queer community.

Police subsequently pulled out of the Parade, followed by the New Zealand Defence Force, several corporate sponsors, and a national controversy.

Two weeks later, the Board survived a vote of no confidence.

The Board took this as a mandate to rebrand the Pride Parade into a march; calling it “#ourpride” and relocating it, as “a nod to… the site of the first gay liberation protest in 1972.” #ourpride and the festival itself were an apparent success, with “no problems at all” during the march.

However, Wellington International Pride Parade (WIPP), responsible for Wellington’s own pride parade, seems more hesitant to adopt such explicitly radical policies.

Regarding Police in pride parades, WIPP’s online Inclusivity Statement stated “we do not support or condone any form of prejudice or discrimination to any individual, group or community.”

Spokesperson Richard Tait refused to comment on any specific group, instead saying people were entitled to have differing opinions, which should be celebrated through Pride.

Although WIPP is “happy to discuss on a private basis” with individuals, Tait cited the small size of WIPP’s volunteer membership and an already “robust” consultation process as inhibiting public meetings.

This stance has been heavily criticised.

An open letter published in The Spinoff denounced both WIPP’s consultation and their invitation to Police to walk in the Parade. “We call upon the Wellington International Pride Parade organisers to hold a community consultation hui, hear our case, and reconsider its decision to welcome the NZ Police in uniform,” the statement read.

The letter was signed by several prominent queer figures in Wellington, including Tabby Besley (InsideOUT National Coordinator), and Dani Pickering (former UniQ Victoria Co-President). WIPP currently uses a number of community representatives to advise its Board.

The Wellington International Pride Parade will take place on Saturday March 16th.

Protesters in Wellington joined a nation-wide series of demonstrations against Fletcher Building, calling on the company to halt construction plans at Ihumātao and return the land to mana whenua.

Save Our Unique Landscape (SOUL) activists demonstrated outside the Fletcher Building office in Churton Park on the morning of February 15.

The demonstration featured waitata, barbecues, and a Te Tiriti workshop.

Ihumātao, near Auckland Airport, was confiscated by the Crown in 1863 under the New Zealand Settlements Act as part of its colonial expansion into the Waikato.

Fletcher Building purchased the land and fast-tracked development under the Housing Accords and Special Housing Areas Act 2013. They are expected to start work on a housing development by March.

SOUL spokesperson Pania Newton said in a statement, “Our people are nothing without this land. It defines our identity, health and wellbeing.”

“Archeologists would describe this place as where Polynesians became Māori because its (sic) one of the sites that [the earliest evidence of] human settlement can be found.”

“SOUL is doing everything possible to avoid confrontation on the land. But our kāumatua are preparing to stand in front of the bulldozers if they come.”

Fletcher Building rejected SOUL’s concerns, saying that during the last four years it had worked with iwi who hold mana whenua over Ihumātao.

Local activist Te Ao Pritchard, who participated in the Wellington demonstration, compared the issue to the Bastion Point protests of the late 70’s.

“Now is the time to take a stand and protect Ihumātao and support mana whenua fighting to get back land the government stole,” she said.

SOUL solidarity protests in Wellington and around the country will continue in coming weeks as Fletcher Building looks to start construction.

A march on Parliament is expected to be held early next month to deliver a petition demanding the government to halt development.

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News.

EYE ON THE EXEC UTIV E JOHNNY O’HAGAN BREBNER

CW: Sexual Violence, Mental Illness From the ever-raucous O Week to the only-excitingfor-policy-nerds-like-me strategic plan, VUWSA’s first executive meeting for the year outlined a number of important projects for 2019.

Pill Testing at O Week O Week this year has a focus on safety and risk minimisation at events. As well as more common safety measures, the possibility of pill testing at high risk events was raised. VUWSA staff explained that there had been discussions with service provider, KnowYourStuff. The exec made no decision on testing itself at the time. Tam decided against the initiative for practical reasons after assessment with VUWSA staff.

Presidential Report Tam addressed the upcoming release of VUW’s sexual violence policy and the ongoing rental crisis. She is also keen to expand the recent Porirua mental health pilot to include Wellington.

Law Student Sexual Violence Letter A recent decision of the Lawyers and Conveyancers Disciplinary Tribunal allegedly understated the severity of a sexual assault in a prominent law firm. Rhianna proposed that an existing letter to challenge this decision be supported with a parallel ‘student letter’. VUWSA will support the New Zealand Law Students’ Association in pursuing this.

Kawenata with Ngāi Tauira Looking to strengthen VUWSA’s relationship with Ngāi Tauira, Puawai will reformat the current Memorandum of Understanding into a Kawenata. This has the same legal effect as an MoU, but moves beyond the narrower range of Treaty Partnership obligations.

Digital Exam Pilot Geo confirmed that a digital exams pilot will go ahead for seven courses in the Law and Commerce schools.

Working Groups Established The several working groups were formed. Rinaldo will lead a project team for his ‘proactive student support’ scheme, “Are You Okay?”. The ‘Welfare Team’ (Rhianna, Kimberley and Komal) will spearhead this year’s Sex In The Hub. Finally, a group to promote student engagement with the upcoming local body elections was created.

Strategic Planning Changes Instead of a five year plan, a three year plan will be created for the IGM. Apparently, the former lags behind the rapid development of student issues.

Check the VUWSA O-Guide, Facebook page, or website for more information on the executive. Currently vacant positions will be elected at the VUWSA IGM on April 10th. Online voting will be available.

Tamatha Paul President

Finn Carroll Campaigns Officer

Geo Robrigado Academic Vice President

Kimberly Macintyre (Interim) Wellbeing and Sustainability Officer

Rhianna Morar Welfare Vice President

Komal Singh Equity and Sustainability Officer

Jordan Dianne Te Puawai o te Atua Waller Interim Engagement Vice President

Millie Osborne Clubs and Activities Officer

Delia Fu Treasurer Secretary

Rinaldo Strydom Education Officer

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ISSUE 0

SALIENT

Politics.

Monday 25th February

TH E PA RT Y L I NE The Party Line asks political parties’ youth wings a question every week.We publish their responses unaltered.

CW: Mental Illness

TH E QU E ST I ON Several important issues have already arisen in the new political year; KiwiBuild, marijuana legalisation, mental health, and education reform are just a few examples. What issues will your youth wing be focusing on in 2019? Why?

Young Nats Lower North Island The Young Nats have been at the forefront of policy debate since our founding in 1936. From fighting to keep the drinking age 18, the legalisation of gay marriage, or requiring Landlords to have working smoke alarms in their rental properties, the Young Nats have always fought for issues that matter to young people. Continuing this tradition, the Young Nats are already working to develop comprehensive policies to take into the next election. This year we are focusing on four key areas; the environment, mental health, employment and education. These are the biggest issues facing us today and we look forward to entering next year with policies that advocate the views of young people. This is all a part of National’s plan to spend time in opposition putting in the work that Labour didn’t. With the establishment of policy advisory groups and have your say campaigns National is making sure that we enter the election with a clear plan, rather than setting-up 200 working groups. If you want to be involved in addressing the issues facing kiwis today, then come and find the Young Nats stall at Clubs Week and join New Zealand’s largest and most active youth wing.

- Grahame Woods VicLabour The thing is, it’s hard to know. Every year, as an official branch of the Labour Party our VicLabour membership brainstorms, develops and votes on the positions of our branch. The same can be said of wider Young Labour, which currently votes on five priorities to champion in the party policy process. During Clubs Week we’ll get a surge of new membership and they, like our current membership, can have their say in what we campaign for. What can be said is that many of our current membership are recognisably environmentalists, socialists, feminists and passionate mental health advocates. So, it can be safely assumed we will push for equitable and sustainable policy for working-class people due to the current isolating state of capitalism. The one thing we can be certain on is that we’re going to be fighting to get all six Labour candidates elected onto our Wellington City Council, two candidates onto the DHB and one onto the GWRC. VicLabour is an progressive wing of the party pushing for issues that will make a real difference for young people.

TOP on Campus Top is a policy and evidence focused party. We are also not orientating ourselves as having youth on or off of campus either. As we are inclusive of all ages. Our focus for 2019 will be to educate New Zealanders on what is going on around us. Instead of a show to pass the buck and move issues aside with soft options.

Such as Kiwi build or the idea of Capital gains tax. Like many of our counter parts. Many current functions of our legal social and economic system aren’t

working for New Zealanders. Mental health, the environment, education reform and Top’s Marijuana stance can all be found in our policy. We stand behind a future based on the benefit of Kiwis as a nation. We endeavour to hold government to account on all they promise to deliver. - Mandeno Martin Young New Zealand First Kia Ora. Almost three months in and the Political year is shaping up to be a spectacle. Between the Huawei conversation and white noise from the Opposition, Young New Zealand First stands behind the achievements of New Zealand First’s contribution to the coalition government thus far. In the coming year, Young New Zealand First is committed to supporting initiatives to address shortfalls in the treatment of attitudes and stigma surrounding mental health issues, and will happily throw on some red-bands for Gumboot Friday when the time comes. Furthermore, we’re confident that New Zealand First and its’ coalition partner will take the appropriate steps required to ensure resolute decisions are made which will benefit all New Zealanders. Young New Zealand First is committed to providing a voice for young New Zealanders that are steadfast in their pride for our country, and would like to extend a warm welcome to all newly enrolled students. As the future alumni from Victoria University of Wellington, your representation is important for the future of our democracy. Young New Zealand First is dedicated to ensuring your voice is heard. Enjoy O-Week, drink plenty of water and look after your friends. Let’s get this coalition bread.

Greens@Vic We’re ready to get started on holding the government’s feet to the fire when it comes to Aotearoa’s response to the climate crisis. We’ve only got 12 years to turn our global emissions profile around, and that means we’ve got to radically repair our transport services and our agricultural sector if we want a liveable planet. Aotearoa is already far from meeting our 2020 and 2030 targets.

Greens@Vic will keep pushing the government hard on delivering the mental health services we need. The Green Party’s pilot of free mental health services for 18-25 yr olds is exciting, but we still need much greater funding for mental health services across the board. National’s neglect in this space, like when they scrapped $800k of necessary funding for Lifeline, now requires urgent funding to reverse- which the Labour coalition is too timid to provide. This year is also the year of local body elections. Local government has significant power around transport and the environment, so it’s super important to Greens@Vic that we elect city councillors and regional councillors who will prioritise affordable housing, green public transport, the protection of our environment, and the mitigation of climate impacts on vulnerable communities. - Lachlan Patterson

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Commentators suggest the win may have something to do with it being 54.6 Million kilometers away.

Unlike other teenagers, Opportunity gave us information about things we actually cared about without getting in our fucking way and being so annoying all the time.

NASA announced that after 830 missed calls, none of which Opportunity returned, it was time to give up hope and mourn the great loss.

NASA scientists suggested this was 40% fewer calls than required to contact their own adolescent children.

The Opportunity is only presumed dead, but as with most 15-year-olds, there is speculation he remains either: A) Out of service.

B) Out of battery at a mate’s.

C) At Jessica’s again even though they broke up last week.

Locals were saddened to learn that the little rover had been travelling all the way to a desolate planet since 2003, just to die alone.

“What’s the point of getting photos from Mars in greyscale?

They’ve basically already got a filter on them,” one particularly distraught mourner said to Salient.

Callum Turnbull, local Wellingtonian, expressed his condolences in an interview following the announcement.

“Gone too soon. Seems like it was just yesterday we went to his eleventh birthday party. Ever played musical chairs with a rover?

Fucking harder than breathing on Mars.”

Salient expresses its gratitude to the work of Opportunity, and will be lowering Brad Pitt’s half-eaten naan at dawn in memoriam.

THE P E O P L E WA N T M ORE

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“Supreme Leader” Guilford Expands Anti-V ictoria Propaganda Campaign CARDIGAN BACKYARDIGAN

First-Year Yet to Meet Soulmate in O-Week Clearly a Socially Incompetent V irgin

MyVictoria has been renamed “MyTools” in the University Council’s newest attempt to rebrand the University.

A Victoria University Council member leaked a ten-step plan titled “Now You See Me” for the ongoing name change battle.

The change is the first of many in a string of micro-revisions to create the illusion that Chris Hipkins did indeed approve the name change, and that Wellington remains a student utopia free of mental illness and rental crises.

When asked to justify the subversive plan, Vice-Chancellor Grant Guilford requested Salient refer to him as “Supreme Leader”.

Some students found the change without consultation dis- turbing.

“I’m freaking out. First, it’s our myVictoria, then it’s VB merch... Our diplomas—how far will they go?” said an a nony- mous Philosophy student.

English Literature grads and the entire Political Studies depart- ment have apparently been stockpiling weapons and supplies, being familiar with the historic signifiers of autocratic “democ- racies”.

Others students were confused by the first wave of revisions, suggesting the campaign has not been as successful as hoped.

“Wait, are you saying they’re changing the name to Tool Uni- versity?” said Joan, a third-year Maths student.

Keep reading Salient for weekly updates on Wellington’s de- scent into a burning hellscape.

L IAM P OW E L L

While thousands of new students partake in Victoria University’s O-Week festivities, not all are having the same set of magical experiences as literally everyone else.

Josh Smith, 18, of Palmerston North, is reported to have only made a few casual acquaintances with people across the hall.

Meanwhile, the rest of his floor have already sorted themselves into tightly packed friend groups, setting the stage for brutal personality clashes.

Mr Smith, who clearly lacks basic social skills, seemed disappointed with his inability to immediately establish lasting connections with hundreds of strangers.

“Yeah everyone told me you’d make the best friends of your life at uni, so to not have made a best friend yet is pretty awful on my part. I think I’ll just fully invest myself emotionally in the next group of attractive and popular kids I run into.”

As well as demonstrably lacking the capacity to build lasting friends, Mr Smith has also spent his first nights alone, with no sexual contact.

This ran counter to firmly established evidence that his student life would either be one non-stop syphilis-fueled orgy, or that he’d establish love at first sight.

“There’s this nice girl on my floor so I think I’ll just halfheartedly grind on her at the toga party. Seems like that’s what everyone else is doing.”

Experts warn that if Mr Smith does not establish himself in a toxic clique or fails to have ungratifying sex by the end of O-Week, he will probably die alone. Like a loser.

If you know Mr Smith or anyone like him, please ensure they are forced to do things they aren’t comfortable with for the sake of conformity. Remember: popularity before principles!

A Lost Opportunity LO NG M EAT M ARCUS

On the February 13, we were forced to love and leave our favourite 15-year-old in the cold red deserts of our imagination.

Taking humanity farther than ithad ever been before, the Mars Rover (Opportunity) blitzed the competition for Best Teenager in the Universe for the third year in a row.

13

TW E E T S O F T H E W E EK

“Why yes, I AM doing roundie baes this year, thanks for asking!” - @simoncarryer “Location: Mars. NICK FURY emerges from dust storm, brushes dust off the rover and connects a device with glowing blue lights. The rover’s camera suddenly moves and turns towards him. FURY: I’m putting together a team. Think of it as... an opportunity.”

- @algo_anthill

“Me, learning about the bad chocolate: “aw, but I LIKE coconut ice! this sucks!”. me, remembering coconut ice is still a thing: “oh yeah, yum” - @fauxparse S T EA M I NG H O T TAK E S F R O M THE W O R S T W E B S I T E O N T H E P L AN ET

“If Subway did a Banh Mi one of you jokers would take a photo of it and write “everyday we stray further from the light of god” for 9 likes. Meanwhile, I will be serenely chowing down on an Italian Herbs and CHeese Banh Mi living my best life.” - @zeroasalimit “Alternate titles for Alita: Battle Angel.

Robert Rodriguez’s Twitch stream - Horny Robot: The Movie - Uncanny Sally.” - @_jimmyfranks “The guy walking down Manners in front of me just said “ohhh man 69 minutes until the next bus” and it took all of my willpower not to shout NICE at him and this is what the internet has done to me” - @simonpnz

“In Wellington is there a drag queen & king duo named Scorching Bae and brother Lyall yet?”

- @utherlives Yo, fellow young people! While you’re watching facetube and ordering smashed avocado from your totes face “cafe” can I recommend that you also hook a brther out and complete this survey on what matters to you. Word. - @ChrisPenknz

On @wolfenstein’s Tweet on banning Nazis “What’s Bethesda’s problem with nazis?”- @flaco1942 On @theguadian’s article Me and my Vulva “The correct word is vagina.” - @paulbullen

“Might get cancelled for this one, but Timothee Chalamet is just Ansel Elgort for people who didn’t play sports in high school” - @mossperricone

“Sure, the Colman - Brunton poll looks all rosy for Labour, but you’ve got to remember the methodology doesn’t account for overheard conversations between two teachers at David Farrar’s local hipster cafe.”

- @lukeurmyson

“When you realise you can drink champagne cocktails in lingerie while surrounded by flowers any day of the year, the tyrant saint valentine will no longer have power over you” - @martha_again

“I still want to know how they got time off during a school day to get to a cafe” - @jacky_braid

“The 'healthy' vending machines at campus have started selling pepsi in them. which excellent encapsulates the point in the summer trimester that we're all at I think.”

- @em_ma_maguire

14

IS LOOK ING FOR CO NT RIBU TORS .

HAVE A KICK-AS S COLUMN IDE A? EMAIL US .

WE ARE T AKING APPLIC ATIONS FOR THE FOLLOWING RE VIEW SEC TION S: ART, T V, P ODCA STS, FOOD, MUSIC .

IF THIS INTERESTS YOU, PLE ASE EMAIL US A T EDITOR@SALIE NT.ORG.NZ OR SIMP LY STOP BY THE OFFIC E.

LAURA SUTHERLAND Your first O-Week is a seriously weird experience. You’re thrown head-first into a full week of new people, new experiences, a new environment—essentially, a new life.

It can be thrilling, but equally confusing, disorienting (ha!), and daunting. Great opportunities often come with great anxiety and overwhelming pressure to get it right, regardless of your own feelings. After all, you only start uni once. And though it can feel like a leap into the unknown, it should never lead to situations where you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Ultimately, O-Week is about settling into university life—so here are some tips for having a safe and enjoyable one.

The phrase “O-Week” probably brings to mind an image of a seething mass of bodies, adorned with bedsheets and plastic ivy, crammed shoulder-to-shoulder in the Hunter Lounge downing an endless stream of Jägerbombs. If this sounds like your personal idea of torture, you’re not alone. There’s plenty more to O-Week than the toga party, with a huge variety of things to do and see both on- and off-campus. Try VUWSA’s comedy night, a walking tour of Wellington, or a visit to the university’s Adam Art Gallery. If you’re in a hall, take advantage of the activities on offer—my best memory of O-Week was a city-wide scavenger hunt, with a group of near-strangers who became some of my best friends.

You don’t have to step too far out of your comfort zone to find an O-Week event that works for you, and you’re not missing out on anything by skipping the parts that make you anxious.

But what if you decide to brave the toga party or that group pilgrimage to town? Fantastic if that’s what you’re into! Make it even better by putting a few measures in place to make sure you and your new mates get home safe. Keep an eye on your friends, and swap contact details at the beginning of the night in case you get separated (sometimes you run out of data so actual phone numbers are ideal). Have something to eat before you start drinking, and if you’ve had a few too many, bars and clubs are required by law to provide free water. If you’re heading outside, stay in well-lit areas. It’s always safer to spend a little on an Uber than to try to find your way home in the dark.

17

Finally, know your rights when it comes to sex. Whether it’s your long-term partner, an O-Week hook-up, or a stranger in a bar, you are entitled to respect and bodily autonomy. Any sexual activity—including touching and indecent exposure—without your explicit and freely given consent is sexual assault. You can withdraw your consent at any time; just because you agreed to something before, doesn’t mean you have automatically consented again. While O-Week is a shock of new and unfamiliar experiences, you’re under no obligation to do anything uncomfortable or dangerous. You—and only you—get to decide what happens with your body, when, and with whom. If you’re feeling stuck in a tense situation, leave.

Call the aforementioned mates, and get the heck out of there.

O-Week looks different for everyone, and there are plenty of options for all tastes. Stay safe, take care of yourself, and welcome to Vic. Resources: Wellington Rape Crisis | 04 801 8973 Wellington Sexual Abuse HELP Crisis Line | 04 801 6655 (Push 0 at menu) MOSAIC: Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse Support Line | 022 419 3416 VUWSA Advocate | Erica Schouten | advocate@vuwsa. org.nz | 04 463 6984 Student Interests and Conflict Resolution Office | Emma Mossman | emma.mossman@vuw.ac.nz

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C H O W.C O. N Z CHOWWELLINGTON

CHOWWELLINGTON

FIRST CLASS FROM HAWERA TO HIMATANGI C.V.K.

You’re standing in the small town of Marton, where the borders of the mighty Whanganui and Rangitīkei meet. The temperature on your phone says 20 degrees, but you’re damn sure it’s 35, given the heat and the lack of shade where you are—next to a stagnant pond. The sound is distant at first, but grows as strong as the regional heat. Suddenly, it rounds the corner and in front of you is the big bold beautiful green-and-white of the InterCity bus.

It grinds to a halt and emits a cloud of CO2. If vehicles could fart, this is what it would smell like. The driver hurls your bag into the luggage compartment and you make your way into the bus. Welcome aboard.

I’ve been catching the InterCity since I was 18, in my first year of university. I climbed aboard and listened as the driver told us over the distorted intercom that there was to be no smoking of synthetic cannabis on the bus, please and thank you, due to a particularly nasty incident that occurred last week, in which the police had to be involved. I sat back, ignored the seat belt, and the driver’s plea to use it (who wears seatbelts on a bus?) and wondered what I’d got myself into.

20

What it turned out to be was a tour de force of provincial New Zealand, in all its farcical glory. No journey you ever embark on will be quite as magical as a ride on the InterCity bus. We stopped at Palmerston North (“P Naughty”). The driver told one group of people that they had to be back in five minutes, and another that they had to be back in 50 minutes. We pulled out of the square fifteen minutes later, with a quarter of the passengers madly running behind in the rearview. On another occasion, when the driver told us there was to be no smoking on the bus, two travelers pulled out their vapes, promptly clouding up the back of the bus.

On numerous occasions patrons of the InterCity have had their alcohol confiscated. You see, the InterCity bus pairs well with tradition; specifically: Cody’s, a cigarette every toilet break, and an angry phone call to an ex-partner.

You will meet all of the characters in the provincial New Zealand pantomime on the InterCity bus. This includes: TJ, with a rats tail, league shorts and Nike slides who’ll give you the “sup bro” so suddenly and with such force, you wonder how his New Era snapback didn’t fall off.

You’ll meet the European backpacker, who meticulously arranges his groceries on his lap for reasons unknown then has to crawl seat to seat to recover them when the bus brakes suddenly because it got cut off by a nana in a Mazda Demio. The groceries include an entire jar of olives, loose bread rolls, and a singular tomato.

The bus is a melting pot of New Zealand cultures. People used to fly, or drive cars, and if you couldn’t afford a car you took the bus, so be careful of the people on the bus.

But now that air travel to and from the provinces costs a small mortgage, those who might once have flown and don’t wish to drive climb aboard the big beautiful green machine and see – whether they like it or not – how the other half travels. With fleeting glimpses of towns that time – and the dairy industry – forgot. With infuriating detours down countless side roads, making a five hour road trip last seven hours.

You’ll meet a similar nana, taking the bus to Palmerston North to see a purebred dog show, who can’t understand why stroppy teenagers won’t take their feet off the seat to let her sit beside them. You’ll meet a gang member with a tattooed face who buys a Playstation game at his stop from a ginga pre-teen half his size.

Five years looking out the window on the InterCity Bus has given me a tour of other people’s lives.

You will see all of the landmarks of provincial New Zealand on the InterCity bus. Not Lake Taupo, nor Mt Taranaki or Tongariro, nor the great rivers of the Rangitikei, Waikato or Clutha. No, you will see Realistic Computers, an IT shop on the corner of state highway 1 and Himatangi Beach road, roughly halfway between Sanson and Foxton. You won’t know where those towns are. Try, roughly halfway between Whanganui and Levin. You probably don’t know where they are either. Never mind. Consider it the middle of nowhere, and certainly not prime real estate for IT services.

We stop in Hawera and a grandad in a Mangu Kaha t shirt picks up his koros, bounding down the steps of the bus to give him a hug. A young mother travels with two children in tow, headed for her mother’s house. You see, everyone on the InterCity Bus is heading home. Together.

Very slowly. With little legroom and no air conditioning.

But we’re going home, nonetheless.

But that is the magic of the InterCity Bus. It is the closest thing there is to first class travel for the residents of towns you’ve never heard of.

I booked a bus ticket back to New Plymouth last weekend, but on a whim caught a ride with a friend. The bus was scheduled to leave Wellington at 3:15 pm. We passed it at 5:00 pm at Paekakariki, a distance of roughly 40 minutes in a car. I’m unsure what took the bus nearly two hours to travel 40 kilometres. Not that it would matter.

You will see a youth tag the wall of the youth centre in Levin at 11:20 am. You will see red nose pitbulls out for an evening stroll in the streets of Shannon, and a singular Mongrel Mobster in Mangakino pushing his daughter in a buggy. You’ll drive past the ominous ruins of the Church school in Ōtaki and the remnants of the borstal at Kimberley in Koputaroa, where some property developer saw fit to build a gated community right next to the accursed buildings. Some of this land has paid a lengthy penance.

Because nothing can stop the bus. On its winding counterintuitive route, it is the alpha vehicle on every state highway it touches, from one through three, to 45 through 57. It is the tour guide for provincial New Zealand, wild and lustily beautiful, at once run down and depleted but bursting with new growth in the rolling paddocks and maize fields, like a lucid dream of a forgotten memory.

You will see numerous small urupā, at once beautiful and run down, set back from the road atop hills, amidst thickets of trees or sectioned off by ancient steel fences, rusted from years of New Zealand weather.

You will see a ten-year-old mowing the lawns give the bus a cheery Black Power salute. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s just something in the water out here. You might stop at Te Kuiti, but you should be careful about disembarking from the bus. A school trip of year twelve schoolboys were once terrorized by local thirteen-year-olds. Te Kuiti Police Station has the last open air holding cell in the Southern Hemisphere. It’s true, look it up. This is the town where they had wild horse races down the main street on Friday nights. They breed them tough in Te Kuiti.

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PM

PM

AM

AM

MON 25 FEB FRI 01 MAR

TUE 26

7:30PM - THE HUNTER LOUNGE

WED 27

WEEK ONE

EVENT

WITH BENE + MELODOWNZ

WINSTON SURFSHIRT

7:30PM - PIPITEA MARAE

WITH MELANIE BRACEWELL

MON 25

VUWSA COMEDY NIGHT

7:30PM - THE HUNTER LOUNGE

NETSKY

THU 28

SCHEDULE

VUWSA.ORG.NZ/HUNT

THE GREAT VUWSA SCAVENGER HUNT

ALL-WEEK 7:30PM - THE HUNTER LOUNGE

WITH SWEET MIX KIDS

TOGA PARTY

7:30PM - THE HUNTER LOUNGE

RUDIMENTAL WITH CHORES + SWEET MIX KIDS

VUWSA OWEEK

FRI 01

FRI 01

THU 28

WED 27

TUE 26

MON 25

PM

PM

AM

AM

SCHEDULE

TUE 05

MON 04 MAR FRI 08 MAR

WED 06

WEEK TWO

7:30PM - DANGER DANGER

WITH VUWSA + MAI FM

THROWBACK THURSDAY

THE HUNTER LOUNGE

QUIZ NIGHT - 7:30PM

VUWSA OWEEK

SONG BINGO - 7:30PM THE HUNTER LOUNGE

TUESDAY TUNES

TIM BEAGLEHOLE COURTYARD

THU 07

VIVIAN STREET

EXPO - 11AM-3PM

TE ARO CAMPUS

TIM BEAGLEHOLE COURTYARD

EXPO - 10AM-3PM

KELBURN CAMPUS

TIM BEAGLEHOLE COURTYARD

EXPO - 10AM-3PM

KELBURN CAMPUS

TIM BEAGLEHOLE COURTYARD

EXPO - 10AM-3PM

KELBURN CAMPUS

RUTHERFORD HOUSE

EXPO - 11AM-3PM

MONDAY MOVIE NIGHT - 7:30PM

MON 04

PIPITEA CAMPUS

VUWSA OWEEK FRI 08

FRI 08

THU 07

WED 06

TUE 05

MON 04

COFFEE SPOTS SUN SPOTS CHEAP EATS PEOPLE WATCHING SPOTS

Staring at the stars, I feel the wet grass soaking my grey sweatpants, creating a wet patch from my calf muscle to the top of my butt. My socks smell of the stagnant water that’s gone through the holes of my shoes, and there’s no way I can afford a new pair of either. I’m a 40 minute walk away from my flat, my battery is on 4% and my charger needs to bend at a right-angle for it to charge properly.

I had finally lost control.

I was convinced things were okay though, because I knew that in the end, I would end up with a job, a salary, and a support network full of friends and family that had my back.

Many us never had big brothers on campus, let alone at home.

Here’s some shit we learned the hard way.

YOUR LECTURES COST MONEY YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO WASTE

EAT WELL

Putting petrol in your car makes it vroom. Putting water in yourself makes you vroom.

We took a course that cost $856 and had 12 two hour lectures; 24 hours of teaching in total. At $71 a lecture ($35 an hour), we’ll never know why we felt bad for spending $50 on a night out.

(It doesn’t work the other way around.)

A pie for breakfast, sausage roll for lunch, and chips for dinner won’t last you for the entire day. You’ve heard it a hundred times, but putting one piece of fruit in your daily diet will change how you bounce back from your 48-hour bender. It’s not all protein shakes and kale smoothies, but your body will thank you for the glass of water with an apple in the morning. Your body shows its gratitude by not ricocheting between shutdowns and manic episodes.

It’s like buying four jugs of beer and five tequila shots, but then leaving them at the bar cos you couldn’t be fucked drinking them. That’s what it looks like when you miss a lecture. Don’t let your mates walk away from that bar; encourage them to go and pick up what they paid for.

26

GETTING SH*TFACED DOESN’T MAKE YOU HOTTER

HAVE THOSE YARNS

Losing control isn’t allg. Keep control of your drink and you’ll keep control of your night.

“This one time—nah, never mind”—a common sentence in my all-boys flat at university.

Have your yarns, boys.

Following a solid kai after a good boogie with the boys, I saw my ex at El Horno with another dude. I lost my appetite after that and started shedding a few tears under my scarf, only because he was wearing better sweatpants than me. I didn’t wanna get roasted for admitting that I cried over a girl, though, so I kept it to myself.

The invincible feeling too much alcohol gives you is a kick in the jaw when your body is pleading for water at 6 a.m. You can’t impress the boys by vomiting in the gutter, and if you couldn’t impress the girl of your dreams with your first traffic cone funnel, the third one won’t change the outcome.

We look back at that and laugh. That conversation would have probably saved me a few more tears, a lot of time, and about $231 on UberEats.

RELATIONSHIPS

Don’t stay in a relationship if it doesn’t fulfill your needs. That sounds really selfish if you read it out loud, but that’s because it is.

SELF-CARE: I’M TREATING MEEEEEEEEEE GOOD

Emotional, physical, and financial abuse happen behind many doors. You know it’s not cool to manipulate your mates.

You know it’s not cool to assault your mates. You know it’s not cool to dictate how your mates spend their money. Why would you do it to your partner?

That shit ain’t cool and no one deserves any form of abuse.

More and more, we are asked to speak up. You hear it on podcasts and read it on social media: “Young men don’t talk about their mental health enough.” The term toxic masculinity gets hurled around like a boomerang, in and out of every conversation concerning mental health, and we’ve all heard the phrase “boys are bad at feelings”, and the assumptions of being a “closed book”.

Last but not least, Rest In Peace to Kereta Tatana. Dedicating this article to you, brother.

I know, those articles about toxicity and “emotionless men” hurt us too, and in the end, we never feel encouraged to share anything. Don’t get lost in the deafening narrative around it all.

Love, Kii & the boys

27

SASHA BEATTIE

Ladies, gentlemen, variations thereupon; it is with bittersweet sentiment that I welcome you to the third and final year of Shit Chat. Historically, this column has been a shamelessly narcissistic outlet for my unsolicited opinions and advice, brought to you by substance abuse, a strong disdain for men, and a healthy dose of my own tears.

Devoted readers—all three of you—bear with me here as we recap, for the sake of the sweet summer freshers tuning in for the first time.

This year, dear friends, I come to you (largely) sober, with a newly conferred degree and a fucking AWARD for this column (Best Column in Aotearoa Student Media—yes, you read that right). I come to you with a new diagnosis, new medication, and the ability to make it through the day without a nap. I come to you with Lizzo-levels of That Bitch confidence and a whole new lease on life—and you are absolutely fucking not ready for me.

“Who is she?” I hear you ask.

In 2017 I emailed editors Laura and Tim (may they rest in peace—they’re not dead, just banished to the desolate realm of trying to pay the rent as ~writers~) pitching a yet-to-betitled column that vibed a modern-day mentally-ill Carrie Bradshaw, along with a link to the only piece of writing I had to show for myself: a ~thinkpiece~ that I published on Tumblr (R.I.P.) about my sociopathic, philandering, emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend.

“What have you done with the perpetually inebriated, mouthy wench that we know and love (to hate)?” I hear you wail.

“I’m not going to pretend I didn’t hash this out over a cloud of smoke and several jugs at Siglo last night,” I wrote to L&T, “I want to talk shit about mental health, and feminism, and probably politics… My niche tends to be articulatebut-bitchy. Essentially it’d be a Wellington wet dream.” And thus, Shit Chat was born.

Shit Chat will stay true to its man-hating, over-sharing, nicotine-fuelled roots for one last hurrah. We’ll still be serving “crackling fuck-you energy” and “a startling mix of intimacy and toughness” (these are real #reviews, I shit you not)—only this time around, we’re confident, capable, and refusing to date self-obsessed softbois who look like the Slenderman.

Over the past two years, I’ve talked utter shite about my “adventures” on Tinder, a theoretical fight to the death between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, and my hardon for the Bachelor franchise. I’ve spun absolute yarns about how sexts are poetry and nudes are art, my weakness for man-buns, and how Men Are Trash. I’ve given unqualified advice to first-years, discussed the art of sucking dick, provided way too much information about my body hair, paid homage to Suzy Cato at every available opportunity, and elaborated some more on why Men Are Trash.

Traditionally, Shit Chat has been characterised by an addiction to cigarettes (and—let’s be honest—the devil’s lettuce), nominal and steadily declining mental health, as well as my undeserved devotion to men who ultimately just wanted to get their dicks wet.

This year, however, things are going to be different.

28

Fear not, dear friends; she’s still here, only correctly medicated and ready to fuck your shit up like never before.

Men will still be roasted; narcissism will still be rampant; unwelcome opinions will still be dispensed with abandon.

In a couple of weeks we’ll be exploring ‘How To Spot A Softboi’, then maybe we’ll shoot the shit about how social media is a fucking poison (that I want to shoot straight into my veins). I’m gonna delve into what Bick Dick Energy is exactly, and talk extensively and in excruciating detail about masturbation. Strap yourselves in and lube yourselves up, because this year we’ve got quite the line-up ahead of us. I’m gonna split you the fuck in half—with full, informed, and enthusiastic consent, of course.

Wanna chat? Collaborate? Talk shit about men and/or send me titty pics? Email shitchat@salient.org.nz (complaints encouraged). In the words of our Lorde and Saviour Jacinda Ardern: Let’s do this.

As always, sincerely,

NĀ TE AOREWA ARETA “Whaia te iti kahurangi, ki te tuohu koe me he maunga teitei”

Ariana Thomson Lawrence (Vice-President & Tikanga officer)

Kia ora e te whānau and welcome to our university: Te Whare Wānanga o te Ūpoko o te Ika a Māui.

This new and unfamiliar wāhi that you have arrived at will soon become your home, just as it has become ours.

This week is a special one, as it is orientation week or “O-Week”, which means some valuable time for YOU to find your footing, test the waters, make some memories, and just enjoy being free of your whānau for the first time!

Ngai Tauira whānau will be mostly situated around our Marae area across the road from the Hub, between 42 Kelburn Parade and 50 Kelburn Parade. Here you are always welcome to visit for positive kōrero with other tauira, delicious kai for $5 on weekdays, and a sense of belonging by coming to a place familiar to many of us Māori from all three campuses.

Ngai Tauira will be hosting a range of awesome events and activities throughout the week, beginning with our annual Pōwhiri ceremony at Te Herenga Waka Marae—so make sure you are there to have a true taste of Te Ao Māori.

Finally, e te whānau, the members of your Ngai Tauira Exec for 2019 have offered some valuable pieces of Manaaki to provide a little guidance as you take on the year ahead: Nohorua Parata (President of Nt) 1. Don’t be afraid to ask for help; there’s always someone willing to help you.

2. Balance your life, by balancing your uni life with your work life as well as your social life. Better living everyone!

3. Lastly, look after yourself. Your well-being is very important—remember that.

Te Mahara Swanson Hall (President of Nt) If I could say anything, I would say: Listen to the advice of those kind enough to share it. Trust me—there are 22,000 students who attend this institution. Each one of us has already made enough mistakes for you to learn how to not repeat them. Make the most of this place; it’s got a lot to offer you if you let it. Ngā mihi nui.

29

“You can’t pour from an empty cup” Look after yourself and don’t be afraid to say no. You have come all this way to achieve great things—but realise that you can only do as much as your tinana is capable of. You need your body to get you to that finish line, so take care of it.

Caleb Rongokea (Secretary) “Whaowhia te kete matauranga—Fill your basket with knowledge” Aperahama Simcock (Treasurer) “Kia mate ururoa, kei mate wheke” The moral of this kōrero is to not give up and to keep on working hard. Just remember why you started and what you’re doing it for. If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you!

Te Mapihi Tutua-Nathan (Academic officer) Don’t sweat it. The thought of starting uni felt daunting to me, but when I got there, I realised I was worrying for no reason. Show up to your classes and work hard, but also listen to your mind and body and take a break when you need to.

Tahu Pōtiki Te Maro-Duran (Health & Well-being officer)

Spend time with people who will celebrate you as opposed to tolerate you. Also, find time to put the waea down and put the studies on pause so you can enhance your wairuatanga on your own—“Tūwhitia te hopo, wepua te wiriwiri!”

TeJay Owen (Events officer) The transition into university can be a difficult time, but just know that help is always provided. Stay calm, study hard, and have fun.

Te Aorewa Areta (Communications & Promotions officer)

Always try to keep a sense of purpose for why you are here and make sure it’s a decent one. If the journey becomes steep, rough, or bendy, it is only through having a strong “why?” that we are able to push through.

As they say, e te whānau, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, so let this week be your starting point to a journey worth the travel—hills, rivers, and all!

ALICE MANDER

I was nine years old when I made my best friend promise she would never treat me differently, even if I was one day in a wheelchair. I was 13 years old when a mother at school camp told me that I shouldn’t have bothered to attempt a physical activity—though I had been unable to complete it, it was one that I had wanted to try. I was 15 years old when a strange man on the street commented, “That’s a funny walk you got there, Miss.” And I was probably about 16 years old when I first came across the word which made everything else make sense: Ableism; discrimination in favour of able-bodied people.

My name is Alice—and no, there was not one moment I thought of calling this column, “Alice’s Wonderland”.

While I am a carbon copy of every other student at Victoria (From Auckland? Tick. Studies Law, Film, and Sociology? Tick. Constantly annoys others and herself because of that fact? Tick.) I am different in one way: I have a disability. When ex-student Henrietta Bollinger stopped studying at the university, it was also the end of her column, which went by the same name. I asked for her blessing to pick up the column for 2019, because I think the voice of the disabled community is one that is so important, yet so overlooked. And why, you may ask, do I think it’s so important to continue this conversation?

Well, before 16-year-old me had her epiphany, I was probably just like you. I believed that discrimination against the disabled was just not widespread enough of an issue to warrant its own word. It was certainly not like sexism, racism, homophobia, or any other ideology based on hate and ignorance. Sure, everyone knew you shouldn’t be mean to the kid in the wheelchair (even if he was an absolute dick) but this was a belief stemmed from pity, not equality.

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You see, I had no word to articulate why I didn’t want people telling me how “inspiring” I am (especially not after witnessing me vomit my guts up in a sink after too much rum).

I had no word for why I didn’t want to be congratulated for academic success more than others might be. I had no word to articulate why there was something inherently wrong with the Divergent book series equating courage with physical strength, or the fact that disabled kids were missing from every movie ever. I felt like I was hopelessly screaming into the void—little old me trying to take on the world by myself (a bit narcissistic, really).

But then I found it. Ableism. It was like a sigh of relief. An “oh thank fuck I’m not imagining things”. To me, learning that ableism was something that a whole community of people were fighting against was empowering. It legitimised my anger and gave strength to my rants and rambles. And, yet, it’s not a word we commonly use—despite the amount of ableism still prevalent in society.

In a world of “PC GONE MAD!” and growing social awareness for minorities, it’s interesting to me that so few people are aware of the issues facing the disabled community. I’m not excluded from this collective ignorance: every day I learn something new; I am faced with my own prejudices and am baffled by how unaware I am of issues which don’t immediately affect me. But that doesn’t mean I stop trying to speak up. I just remember that for every time I speak up, I should also shut up (the one thing I struggle more with than stairs) so that I can read more, listen more, and learn more from those writing about these issues and others.

You should too. Read my column (self-plug? I don’t care), express anger about the broken lifts at Victoria University, and make 2019 your year of enlightenment.

MAU RI OR A JUDE WEST AND CATHERINE NELSON A warm welcome to Victoria University of Wellington (or welcome back) from the team at Mauri Ora! We are a health, counselling, and wellbeing service, staffed with registered health professionals and a fabulous support team. The name Mauri Ora comes from the Māori term for wellbeing, a holistic view of health—mental, emotional, physical, social, and spiritual.

We appreciate it’s a busy time orienting yourself to university life—and we encourage you to find out about us now, so you can get help when you need it! You can find us at three locations: - Level 1 of the Student Union Building at Kelburn - Te Taunaki on the mezzanine floor in Rutherford House at Pipitea - Counselling only, in the library at Te Aro campus Appointments are available Monday to Friday during business hours and we provide “urgent” same-day appointments as needed. We work closely with other teams within the university including Student Finances, Disability Services, and Student Learning Support.

Student Health Services Registering at Student Health means we become your primary medical practice, and your general consultations are free. Register by filling in the form available from reception or online from our webpage. International students need to have medical insurance to get their healthcare funded for them.

From December 1 2019, the government will be giving extra funding to Health Services who have patients with a Community Services Card. We encourage students to apply for one—application forms are at Mauri Ora. The card reduces the cost of some prescription fees, provides discounted treatment at Pacific Radiology, and gives cardholders access to emergency dental treatment, discounted access to public swimming pools, and an increased subsidy for accident-related physiotherapy (ACC).

Mauri Ora provides vaccinations including free influenza vaccines, general health checks, contraception (including emergency contraception), STI testing (which you can often do yourself without the need to be examined), and travel health consultations. We also run outreach clinics for Pasifika, Māori, international, and gender-diverse students.

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Student Counselling Services Student Counselling provides short-term counselling for life challenges affecting your study. We work with you to get through times of distress—we want you to succeed!

You don’t have to register to see a counsellor—just drop in and book an appointment with the support team at Mauri Ora, or phone us at 04 463 5310. Services are free for domestic and NZAID students. International students insured with Studentsafe are billed directly to the insurer, so you don’t have to pay. If you are not insured, the fee ranges from $30–$75, depending on the nature of your appointment.

If you’re experiencing exceptional personal circumstances and you need an extension, aegrotat, or late withdrawal for an academic issue—drop in for duty counselling at Mauri Ora, available weekdays between 1 and 4 p.m.—first in, first served.

Wellbeing Programmes Wellbeing workshops provide topics that polish up your personal development skills and strategies to manage mental distress while you’re studying. Information about bookings and workshop times are on the Wellbeing webpage.

The Bubble is a safe and welcoming space to relax and get peer support. Located in Level 2 of the Student Union Building, our friendly Bubble Leaders are active weekdays between 11 a.m. and 2 p.m. Grab fruit or a free hot drink and chill with us.

The Student Wellbeing Awareness Team leads health promotion on campus. You are invited to participate in our Story Craft peer support group, the Minds Like Ours Facebook page, write about wellbeing for Salient, or volunteer with us for fun wellbeing events—great for your CV! To join in, email vicstudentwellbeing@gmail. com The Fruit and Vegetable Co-operative provides fresh, affordable produce on campus. For $12 you receive one bag of fruit and one of vegetables, all fresh and seasonal, at great value. Place an order online on our webpage.

Meet new people and get work experience as a volunteer for the co-op. Packing and distributing is a fun way to take a break from study as individuals, teams, or clubs. Email fruit-vegecoop@vuw.ac.nz to find out more about volunteering.

SAL IENT FM

D RE AM DI AGN OS IS

NAV AND JAZZ

MELANY TONIN

DREAM: I was in one of those man-made lazy river things; people were back to back, drifting along, when the queen came out—an Alice in Wonderland-looking broad, and everyone went crazy and I got pushed deep down under. I found myself herded into a giant theatre where people were rumouring that Peter Jackson was coming to speak. I couldn’t find my friends anywhere but when I did find them, all ten of them were crammed into two seats.

Hi there!

We’re Jazz and Nav, the 2019 Salient FM managers.

This is Jazz’s fifth year working for the station and second year as a manager. Nav has been around for the last three years but this is his first year managing the station. Salient FM (formerly known as VBC) has been around for many years now, but has only been known by that names since 2015, and are we ever on our way up! Last year was full of accomplishments: We upgraded the studio equipment and held fortnightly gigs to encourage our Radio DJs to learn new skills.

And you bet we took the plastic bag off the fire alarm on more than one occasion. Our main focus is to encourage volunteers to learn a wide range of skills, and to allow those that make playlists for their friends on a regular basis (or chat shit about pretty much anything) to have a platform to expand their understanding of audiences, processes, and reach.

RESPONSE:

Dear dreamer, if I were you I would be worried. Your dream speaks of a deep fear: namely, of being one of the crowd.

Drifting along the river clearly signifies a deep-seated apprehension of being a sheep. Following the waterway alone would have been enough for this conclusion, but man made? Good god, your dream is almost too on-the-head.

The moment Lewis Caroll’s literary broad appears is the moment it’s all over for you. You’re terrified of the day an “authentic” will appear—no doubt like a cowboy in the doorway. You fear your shit will be called out, that you’ll drown in a river of carbon copies, in a sea of discarded garbage inspired by Marie Kondo.

FM would be nothing without its tastemakers, its children, its passionate and dedicated volunteers. If you’re interested in being part of our broadcasting family, shredding up the airwaves with unique quality content, flick us an email at fm@salient.org.nz.

As for being herded into the theatre—yeah, who knows, maybe you’re worried about being a cow as well as sheep; they both chew on the same grass and contribute to the end of the world. But what strikes me as most important was why, in this dream, you would possibly go and see Peter Jackson speak? All I can conclude is that you appear there, alone, after drowning in the man-made river, because this is your dream self’s afterlife. It must be hell, obviously; or, best case scenario, if you’ve been a good Christian: purgatory. Get out! Wake up!

You can listen to Salient FM online on our webpage or kick it old-school and tune in to 88.3 FM. As the station that never sleeps and never goes down, we do our best to bring you an eclectic mix of the best tracks that even your aunty can’t help but stop and bop to.

We didn’t invent the fire but we will continue to keep the torch burning. Expect to hear more from us in the magazine as we present our shows for the year and get some of our hosts to talk about their experiences on air.

Anyway, it’s undoubtedly another reference to the dreamer’s fear of drowning in the mainstream. After all, Jackson’s newest movie is garbage.

Finally, all ten of them sharing two seats obviously means they’re replicas. Clones. You couldn’t find them because you didn’t want to find them. Should you cull eight in a militant-like fashion, society will not blink, because the other two will easily contribute what the rest of might have managed all together. Moral of the story?

Break from the crowd, dreamer. Break away.

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V UWSA

P SC: ONE O CEAN

TAMATHA PAUL

GEORGIA TARĀNI GIFFORD

Tēnā koe, talofa lava, bula, namaste, assalamualaikum and a big, fat what’s good!

Kia orana koutou katoatoa, Ko Georgia Gifford tōku ingoa, nō Tongareva henua mai au.

My name is Tam - I’m the President of VUWSA. Starting uni, students get overloaded with information so I’ll keep it simple. VUWSA is the organisation that represents students here at Victoria - kinda like head boy/head girl students. We do a whole bunch of good ish.

Turou, turou! Aere mai, ‘oro mai ki te hāpī o Vikitoria.

Firstly, I want to say a huge welcome to all our Pasifika students joining us at Vic this year! You are all #pasifikageniuses and have made it so far already. Coming to university can be a hella daunting experience! Whether it’s your first or last year here, you’re living away from home for the first time, or maybe just that good ol’ general culture shock kicking you in the muli like nobody’s business—your Pasifika anau here at Vic want to make your time and experience at university one you’ll remember forever, and for the RIGHT reasons. There are heaps of different Pacific students’ associations here at Vic that you can join to make your time here as academically, socially, and culturally LIT as possible (cough, VUWCIA). You can find us all in the clubs directory on the Vic website, or come hit us up during Clubs Week in the Hub!

We make sure that every class at uni has a class rep - the class rep passes info between the lecturers and the class so that everyone is on the same page, and so that everyone gets the most out of their learning experience.

We provide mean services like community pantry, free menstrual products and free bus passes. We wanna make your time at uni as chill as possible.

We run O Week and heaps of other events.

We tackle the big issues facing our student community - within the uni, within Wellington and within Aotearoa. We are particularly passionate about sexual violence prevention; improving & maintaining students’ mental wellbeing; and we’re gearing up to shake up the local body elections this year.

We have a massive opportunity and challenge presented to us this year that I want as many of us to be involved in as possible. Our past students had to fight to get this tiny weekly column for us, but thanks to them opening up that pathway, we are happy to announce that this year we will have our VERY OWN ISSUE OF SALIENT!! This issue aims to provide a platform for talented Pasifika illustrators and writers from all islands of Savaiki to share your precious, indigenous knowledge with our student body. If this sounds like you, please don’t be shy to hit me (or one of my sistas who are in charge of this issue) up on Instagram

It’s hard to summarize all the good mahi we do in one page - so chuck us a follow on our social media to keep up with all the things above and more: Facebook: VUWSA Instagram: @vuwsagram Twitter: @vuwsa Website: vuwsa.org.nz

@georgiagifford_ @sulaniliuahelg @aldrinapolitavao

You can find our bright green office the floor above Hunter Lounge, the bar where O Week is based this year - COME THRU if you need anything, you are always welcome!

Have an amazing O-week, y’all, and I hope to meet as many of you as possible! Don’t forget 2 decolonise and moisturise hunniez xo

Ngā mihi & lots of love from your big brothers and sisters at VUWSA x

Meitaki poria

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UN I C OUNCIL ST UDENT MEMBERS ISABELLA AND HUGO

Kia ora e te whānau, Isabella and Hugo here; we are the 2019 student members on the University Council!

This column is our first go at this, and we will write an update in Salient after each university council meeting this year. For starters, here is a bit about the council, our role, and an update from the last meeting!

The council is the “governing body” of the university. It sets the “strategic direction” of the university, which means that the council makes the big decisions, like the name change or approving new buildings.

In addition to us, the council comprises two elected staff reps, the Vice-Chancellor, the Chancellor, and Pro-Vice Chancellor (these are the people that shake your hands at graduation), as well as five other members.

Council meetings are divided into the public section (which anyone can attend) and the private section. The private section contains information that, for legal or commercial reasons, can’t be shared with the public at this time.

At the last meeting (Feb 11), the main item for discussion in the public part was the name change. After the council made the decision in September, the Minister of Education (who is legally required to sign off on the decision) informed the university that he did not agree with the decision to change the name. The council are currently looking into different options on where to go from here.

No decisions have been made, but you will hear about the outcome here, when there is one!

In terms of our role on the council, we are there to tell the student story. Committing to representing the voices of students is an impossible task, but the more people that share their stories and tell us about issues they face on campus, the better prepared we are to carry your voices into council discussions. You are welcome to email us at isabella.lenihan.ikin@gmail.com and hugo. lawrence@hotmail.com, or message us on Facebook. We already meet regularly with VUWSA, but we would love to meet with you if you have any council issues you want to discuss.

Have a mean O-Week! Chur

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Send out, Salient, the swift satiric point, To smart the sluggard mind awake, While freedom anywhere in bonds is pent No compromise with falseness make.

Those freed today, tomorrow forth may leap Some further outpost there to take and keep.

- Derek Freeman, Salient Editor 1939

Send your limericks, elegies, and odes to poetry@salient.org.nz

B OO KS C ONVE R S AT I O N S W I T H F R I E N D S R E VI E W: LI LY M C E LH O N E

Sally Rooney is everywhere. Rarely are we blessed with a writer so universally adored and talked-about after publishing only two novels; it is even rarer for such a writer to still be in her twenties. She has been dubbed “the Salinger of the Snapchat generation” and “the first great millennial novelist”. While I find these titles trite, I see where they’re coming from. Her debut novel Conversations with Friends ruminates on the complex relationships between Frances and Bobbi, two twenty-one-year-old Arts students at Trinity College in Dublin; and a decade-anda-bit-older married couple Melissa (a revered journalist) and Nick (a kinda-famous actor). The book treats dinner parties and trips to France with the same romanticism of literary movements past, but navigates post-GFC Ireland, sexuality, monogamy, and mental health with a distinctly 21st-century attitude. Nothing is certain; everything is possible.

Frances, the protagonist, ambles through Dublin collegiate life; intellectual and deeply romantic, but achingly insecure and withdrawn from emotional vulnerability. Finding comfort in labels, she is bisexual—and a poet, and a drama queen. Bobbi, her ex-girlfriend and best friend, provides a bitter—albeit loving—voice of reason, texting, “that’s vapid frances, you have to do more than say you’re anti things”. She is as much a human bouquet of contradictions as Frances: so-very-articulately denouncing capitalism, all the while living off an allowance from her parents. The pair, along with those they surround themselves with, are as petulant as they are witty; as incorrigible as they are politically engaged.

They are articulate, passionate, deeply flawed, and often insufferable. My dad once (very lovingly and encouragingly) said that I’m part of a long line of “stroppy Irish girls”, a lineage to which these two most definitely belong. I’m not inclined to idolise Frances or Bobbi, but I want to drink wine with them.

The title is apt; as stripped-back and literal as the dialogue carried out between characters.

The conversations this novel centres itself around dart back and forth like tennis matches—short skirts and rapturous screams included. The verbal exchanges are rarely marked with punctuation, letting conversations blur into Frances’ insightful yet frustratingly self-contradicting internal dialogue. These conversations take place in an Ireland mostly stripped of religious tension and political fanaticism (Rooney is very openly not a Yeats fan); her Dublin is distinctly modern and metropolitan, described by The Guardian as “post-Irish”. However, the strong sense of modernity and generational relevance is achieved subtly and tastefully: characters send text messages but never mention Instagram.

Conversations with Friends is the literary equivalent of hiding your laptop charger before taking an iPhone photo of your bedroom.

While the characters are often verbose and cryptic, Rooney’s writing is not. She strikes the delicate balance between a book that is accessible, and one that is stimulating and compelling. And its easy-reading credentials are enhanced by the relatability and relevance of the events and discussion. Frances and Bobbi are guiding lights in the labyrinth that is university life and our early twenties. They’re making all the mistakes so we don’t have to.

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FOOD R E VI E W: K I I S M A LL

There’s a shift at 9:00am you promised your boss you would cover.

You’ve got 5 hours to head home, sleep, return to human form and head to work You’ve sent your ex a snapchat selfie and your best mate just left with a girl you followed on Instagram 12 seconds ago. The jug on your table is filled with a mixture of pilsner and lager, coincidentally tasting like the vomit you just let go of three minutes ago. You’ve got $9.43 in your cheque account and nothing to show for it. No friends. No partner. No uber.

As you leave the pub, the cold breeze isolates your emotions to a point where you could stop here and be content. The sidewalk could open up and swallow you and you feel as if the only person that would miss you is your mother. Too bad she’s got better shit to do with her life than text you back.

This is where your best food decisions are made. When have you had a shit meal after 1:00AM? Anything edible that follows cheap beer and loud company is going to taste like golden silk custard, handmade by Justin Lester himself.

You start to walk down Dixon St on your way home (or to more bad decisions). There’s a vibe that entices you to walk down the street.

The bouncer outside DreamGirls nods at you, acknowledging the fact that because you’re human, you probably want to enter a strip club.

Not today, satan; my lustful eyes, stomach and reproductive organs are all aimed at Camel Grill.

Camel Grill originally started as a food caravan by the main man, Abdalla Tammam. You may remember them from Cuba Dupa, Cuba St Night Market, and other late night food-truck venues around the city. Abdalla has been around long enough to know that to be a successful food chain in this town, you’ve gotta appeal to the student population.

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The location of the shop is ironically next to an iconic strip club, and really acts as a contrast when you look into the shop at it’s gleaming white lights and clean floors.

Greeted by Abdalla, you take a look at the menu that hangs above the bench. It’s at this moment, you understand how confident and complete this shop is.

You can almost reach your arm out and touch the stove.

There’s no glass, you can see straight through to the kitchen where the cook is preparing your meal.

This isn’t your average stop at a kebab shop that sells kebabs, brownies, fried chicken and $5 french onion soup. It’s not that cafe from back home that thinks they can serve a proper Italian pizza and also a butter chicken curry.

The shop sells, kebabs, chips, falafel and pizza.

That’s it. Abdalla knows his strengths, he plays to them so he can only take wins.

The food is exactly what a hole-in-the-wall place like this should deliver. The lamb taste like it’s been marinated overnight, and the assortment of vegetables taste like they’ve been freshly kept in lemon juice and salt. The kebabs are without a doubt your standard quality if I’m honest.

However, let’s not take away from the fact it is very easy to, but the side of spicy chips elevates your entire experience.

In merely four minutes, you can receive a bowl of chips, well seasoned and drenched with what appears to be a spicy, red-pepper aioli with some sort of hot sauce.

We can only speculate the ingredients, but we can confirm the sauce taste magnificent. It delivers a perfect mixture of creamy, spicy and salty and that saves this dish from becoming a low-rated bowl of fries.

Rating the decor, friendliness preparation and taste: 4.3 / 5

of

staff,

food

Recommended Dish: Falafel or Lamb Wrap ($10) and/or Spicy Chips ($5)

FIL M S R E VI E W: E VA LO C K H A R T

M ID9 0 S

S P ID ER -MAN: INTO THE S P ID ER -VER S E

When I heard through the grapevine that Jonah Hill was writing and directing a film, I was foolish enough to dismiss it as just another dumb comedy and promptly forgot about it. Luckily for me, my best friend is not so easily deterred and forced me to watch Mid90s, Hill’s gorgeous and deeply affecting directorial debut.

In the few weeks since I saw Into the Spider-Verse, I have said the phrases “If you see only one more film in the cinema for the rest of your life, make it this one.”

“I never imagined animation like this would be possible.”

Mid90s follows 13-year-old Stevie (played by relative newcomer Sunny Suljic) who befriends a group of older skateboarders and joins their adventures around Los Angeles, in—you guessed it— the mid 90’s. Stevie’s touchingly relentless determination to be a good skater earns him a coveted position in the gang, and the film tracks his gradual decline in behaviour.

There are so many interesting aspects of this film to discuss. The colour grading and 4:3 (square) aspect ratio, while not completely original, are aesthetically breathtaking and appropriately 90’s in a way that is nostalgic but not saccharine. The film was shot on a 16 mm lens, which made me feel as though I was watching a teenage boy’s collection of old camcorder skate videos. The majority of the cast had never acted before, and are real life skateboarders from LA skate crew Illegal Civilization, better known as Illegal Civ. Their talents make for deeply satisfying and luxuriously extended shots of skilful and stylish skating. This, in combination with Hill’s loose directorial style, resulted in a script that was largely improvised and feels so natural it’s almost unnerving. This is one of the factors that makes watching Mid90s a completely immersive experience. Like Stevie, as the viewer you feel each moment vividly; it is urgent, exciting, and real. However, Mid90s isn’t afraid to highlight the beautifully mundane aspects of existence, as every slice-of-life story should.

Mid90s’ most polarising strength is its ability to present a story that is surprisingly dark, in a way that is neither glamourised nor vilified. When telling the tale of Stevie’s ill fate, rather than saying, “this lifestyle is bad and cool” à la Skins, or even merely, “this lifestyle is bad”, Mid90s simply says, “this exists” and asks its audience to make their own judgement.

These are phrases I have repeated to ------- in the few weeks since I saw Into the Spider-Verse—and I say them again now, to you.

Spider-Verse tells the story of New York teenager Miles Morales (voiced by The Get Down’s Shameik Moore), who unwittingly becomes the first Spider-Man-of-Colour after being bitten by a radioactive spider. One night, while out searching for the spider that got away, Miles comes across the O.G. Spider-Man, attempting to foil your standard evil-rich-villain’s dastardly plan to open a door between multiple universes. Fortunately for us, O.G. Spidey fails, and various Spider-People from parallel universes are scattered across Miles’ New York City—including Spider-Gwen Stacey. Hijinks ensue.

I could go on to untangle the complexities of the rather ridiculous plot, and though Spider-Verse does contain sweet sentiments about familial expectations and biracial superheroes, the story was not the main drawing card for me. From the moment the opening titles came on screen, I was completely captivated by the animation. As was everyone else, based on the resounding “woah” that echoed throughout the theatre. The film has a completely unique visual style: 142 animators (the largest crew ever used by Sony Pictures Animation) were hired to illustrate the film in a style similar to that of Sara Pichelli, co-creator of the Miles Morales comics.

This was combined with Sony’s advanced graphics pipeline to create a film that is—quite literally—a living, moving comic. This involved the artists hand-painting linework and dotwork over every single rendered CGI frame, amongst other outlandish techniques. According to art director Patrick O’Keefe, this was how the animators achieved their ultimate goal—“if you stop any frame it looks like a [comic] panel.”

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse is nominated for Best Animated Feature Film at this year’s Academy Awards (although it should have been nominated for Best Picture) and is still showing at select cinemas in Wellington.

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T E LE V IS IO N B A D E D U C AT I O N R E VI E W: E M M A M AG U I R E

It’s an oldie, but a goodie—BBC Three’s Bad Education. Jack Whitehall’s schoolbased comedy is a lesson in disaster, but in a very good way.

Whitehall plays Alfie Wickers, your typical useless white boy looking for any old chance at love. He’s also a schoolteacher, put in charge of one of the most rambunctious classes the world has ever seen.

Bad Education is a show aimed at those who aren’t afraid of vaguely edgy comedy. I know—attempts at edgy comedy are usually shit (Ricky Gervais, anyone?)—but the cast’s likability takes the edge off the edge. From terrible Sex Ed lessons to school strikes, the world is a hard and cruel place for Alfie Wickers.

It’s the type of show that will having you cringing on your living room sofa.

My favourite character is Isobel Pickwell, the school’s principal during the first two seasons. Played by my wild Scottish crush, Michelle Gomez, Pickwell is a conservative Catholic hardass with a flair for BDSM, and I love her for it. She’s a joy to watch, and is an excellent foil to Alfie’s useless, kinda awkward pursuit of a colleague.

While I do enjoy this show, Alfie’s awkward pursuit—and eventual snagging—of his colleague Rosie (played by Sarah Solemani) is very hard to watch. We’re supposed to feel sympathy for his character, but he’s really just being a clingy dick. Like, dude, find another person. Come on. Rosie deserves better.

Overall, though, the show is very fun. Each episode is 25 minutes, so you can digest many in one sitting, and it’s got some poignant moments as well. As the daughter of two school teachers, it (kinda??) hits close to home.

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ART YONA L E E ’S I N T R A N S I T R E VI E W: M AYA N E U PA N E

Lots of us want art but don’t know where to find it. Our very own “crying in front of a Rothko” moment could be waiting around any corner—but how can we know which corner to check first?

The exact locations of these fabled artworks can be more than difficult to pin down, and the galleries themselves can feel cold and unwelcoming—to newcomers especially. I’m writing this review to change that.

Usually, I’m not a huge fan of City Gallery due to their inexplicable lack of local art—particularly Māori art. However despite my bias against this gallery, I couldn’t help but make a cheeky visit to Auckland-based New Zealand–Korean artist Yona Lee’s current and free exhibition In Transit (open until the 24th of March).

In Transit is one of those exhibitions that‘s easy on the eyes. Entering this exhibition is an immersive experience. To me it felt like travelling back to my 2007 living room and jumping onto the family computer to enter the world of futuristically themed “cool maths games” that my studious father would make me play to improve my times tables. It’s shiny, metallic, and—despite staying stationary—alive with movement. It slithers around the environment, stretching to the ceilings, kissing the corners, and bumping shoulders with the walls—challenging the boundaries of the space it has been confined to. Because Yona Lee is a site-specific artist, any work she creates is made specifically for the area it is placed in.

Viewing this exhibition feels special as you understand that what you’re seeing is unlikely to be seen again in the same way. You’re trapped in this rare static moment of neither here nor there, neither future nor past, neither domestic nor sterile. It feels otherworldly, yet strangely homely, to spot familiar objects such as bus seats and bunk beds juxtaposed against a maze of stylish industrial silver piping.

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The one complaint I have with this exhibition was that it lacked warmth. The placement of the gallery assistants felt threatening rather than encouraging of the audience to physically connect with the structures. Yona Lee’s works are made to be interacted with. She creates her work to challenge the conventional way an art gallery functions. Sadly, due to the seemingly ineradicable “don’t touch” culture of City Gallery, this atmosphere remains mostly unchanged. Whilst undeniable effort has been made to make the exhibition interactive, the outcome is still fairly fruitless. It all boils down to the fact that, despite knowing that the large red button is supposed to beep, you still furtively glance around the room before pushing it.

An underlying perk of this exhibition is the way it allows you to truly appreciate the space that it inhabits. The gallery rooms themselves are part of the art, which encourages the audience towards two big ideas: Firstly, to realise and appreciate the small subtleties of what would usually be nothing more than a background; and secondly, to show the gallery for what it really is. Underneath all its sophistication, it’s just a white-walled building like any other. In Transit is your tour guide to a foreign world, written in a language made up of objects you know yet probably don’t pay too much attention to. The contrasting feelings of security and alienation that the exhibition lays upon your shoulders make it a worthwhile visit. Also, it has functioning phone chargers. So if you’ve drained your battery taking too many photos or following @giggle_tv on Instagram— you know where to go.

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GIG ST JE R O M E S L AN E WAY F E ST I VA L R E VI E W: JA ZZ K A N E

Auckland’s Laneway Festival pulled no punches at the stunning Albert Park this year, accompanied by beautiful weather, a sickening number of craft food stalls, and sunblock to boot. A variation of acts left for a wide spectrum of punters, ranging from the indie-rock stylings of Yellow Days to the neosoul of Ravyn Lenae and the introspective rap of Denzel Curry. It was an incredible line-up and every artist performed spectacularly.

Laneway celebrated its ten-year anniversary this year. The festival’s return to Albert Park allowed for bigger and better acts, and the integration of New Zealand and international artists has only become stronger and more eclectic.

Festivals are a pool where international artists are able to dip their toes into foreign countries, providing a platform for New Zealand artists to interact with big names.

If it weren’t for festivals such as Laneway, we wouldn’t have access to many of the amazing musicians that come to this country.

In Laneway’s ten years, the Asia-Pacific region has come to trust its tastemaking abilities. Not to be confused with Spotify’s Tastebreakers playlists—Laneway is not some bullshit algorithm based on what other people listen to.

It’s not a mathematical equation designed to target you and keep you listening for as long as possible. Some acts you like and some you don’t; that’s a known inevitability.

The way I’ve always viewed it: If there are at least five acts I want to see, that’s less than $30 an artist.

Laneway has and continues to tap into various genres and artists, attracting a variety of personalities. Sometimes you’ll find yourself surrounded by an unarguably wholesome bunch. A prime example was Ravyn Lenae’s act, where an entire audience pinky-promised to lay down their insecurities and swing their bodies to the music—or when Miss June’s crowd cheered on lead singer Annabel Liddell’s mum who had come to watch her perform.

Other times, I found myself in not-sofavourable situations: There was the girl spewing mustard-yellow vomit all over helpless victims at Gang of Youths, and the group of tall/loud bros rating the girls around them whilst waiting for feminist icon Florence and the Machine. It’s the luck of the draw.

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Even still, Laneway tries to build a safe culture, and the artist picks help foster the audience comradery. That much is obvious.

By developing initiatives to provide safer spaces, Laneway continues to support a positive crowd culture.

They renewed the 0800 LANEWAY helpline and allocated a combination of numbers and letters to each area on-site so that volunteers could easily locate those in need of support. The women’s space was a great addition to the festival, although it could have been better promoted, both onsite and via promotional material. I can’t express how important these initiatives are for crowds exceeding 10,000 people.

Breaking new ground with safer spaces on such an enormous level is something to be commended in itself.

I continue to expect the unexpected from Laneway, because every time I think I understand its formula, the festival diverts to a path of unfamiliar musical territory. There are always expected picks, because some things don’t ever change (Courtney Barnett, we’ll always love you)—but ultimately, this year saw Laneway at the peak of its game.

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O WEEK REA DI NGS FRO M T HE S TARS ABO V E

ARIES

LIBRA

You’ve always been good at new beginnings. Epiphanies are abundant this week, the world seems clearer and you feel wiser. Thursday begins an intense and energetic epoch for Aries, but beware of emotional strife related to earthly delights.

This year brings Libra much freedom, with most of the planets staying out of the way of your home constellation. Come Saturday, intellect will begin to play a big part in your romantic pursuits. This will aid in decision making, which, if we’re honest, you’ve never been

TAURUS

SCORPIO

Be wary of earth signs, Capricorns in particular.

They’ve figured you out and they’re beating you at your own game. Now is a good time to get anything you’ve needed to confess off your chest. I’m getting images of cows swimming, it’s beautiful.

Conflict will find its way to you, though feeling defensive isn’t always bad. Tuesday invites tension between relationships and life plans, however Saturday will bring some transparency to matters of romance and close friendships. Spend some time alone, take your shoes off for once.

GEMINI

SAGITTARIUS

The lines between intelligence and clairvoyance are fine, your intuition is high. Make the most of your ability to communicate your feelings before your ruling planet, Mercury, enters retrograde next week. Think about mist and sea foam, whatever that means to you.

Now is an optimal time for travel, which is uh, unfortunate. While the commencement of the academic year has you moored for the time being, change is as good as running away from your problems. Cut your hair, get a piercing. Strictly no anchor tattoos, though.

CANCER

CAPRICORN

Now is a good time for learning for perceptive Cancer, how convenient. Your emotional investment in academic pursuits is higher than usual, consider splashing out on a really nice pen. The first half of the week brings a frivolity and impulsiveness to your emotional state.

You are hardly your charming self at the moment, Capricorn, and meeting new people may seem unnatural.

Personal growth is where your priorities should lay, and spending time alone is crucial for this. Wear clothes that make you look scary, invest in a good eyeliner.

AQUARIUS

LEO Anticipate the end of an emotional era. Thursday brings harmony between your sex drive and romantic desires. You’ve got an opportunity to say how you feel, so fall in love, I dare you.

Though you’ve never been one to avoid conflict, the conflict will be avoiding you, Aquarius. You will find harmony between your home life and learning, and communication will be relatively free- flowing. Be sensitive to how others are feeling. PS. Your plants are

VIRGO

PISCES

The stars are in favour of your work life, but don’t fly too close to the sun (which has recently entered your sister sign of Pisces). Be careful, your approach to academia is prone to whimsy this week, and it is paramount you don’t procrastinate. Be sure to get your 5+ a day.

Welcome home Pisces! Your feet may be aching but I trust your heart is fuller and stickier than it’s been in a while. You will find yourself receptive to new connections and friendships, and loving yourself will come a little more naturally than usual. Swim as much as possible.

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BRA I N TRAI N ING O R T IM E WAS T ING

GUESS THAT DAD BOD CROSSWORD

ACROSS 1. Pokemon #44, which sounds like a word meaning ‘darkness’ 7. Pokemon #98, which sounds grumpy 8. Pokemon #83, which sounds like a word meaning ‘unlikely’ 11. Pokemon #113, which sounds like a word meaning ‘risky’ 14. Pokemon #13, which sounds like a word meaning ‘coax’ 15. Pokemon #96, which sounds like a word meaning ‘sleepy’ 18. Pokemon #123, which sounds like a word meaning ‘code’ 19. Pokemon #127, which sounds like a lobster’s claw 20. Pokemon #126, which sounds like molten rock 21. Pokemon #76, which sounds like a creature from Jewish folklore

DOWN 2. Pokemon #89, which sounds like a word meaning ‘slime’ 3. Pokemon #72, which sounds like an octopus arm 4. Pokemon #86, which sounds like a furry sea creature 5. Pokemon #92, which sounds like a word meaning ‘morbid’ 6. Pokemon #124, which sounds like a bad-luck charm 9. Pokemon #112, which sounds like a kind of lawnmower 10. Pokemon #102, which sounds like a word meaning ‘kill’ 12. Pokemon #119, which sounds like a word meaning ‘looking for’ 13. Pokemon #110, which sounds like a word meaning ‘breathing roughly’ 16. Pokemon #46, which sounds like a European capital city 17. Pokemon #95, which sounds like a type of precious stone

COLOUR ME IN

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SUDOKU EASY PEASY

F*CK YA LIFE

Editors Kii Small and Taylor Galmiche

Poem Derek ‘Bonk’ Freeman

Design & Illustration Rachel Salazar

News Writers Shanti Mathias, Annabel McCarthy, Kat Bussink, Liam Powell

News Editor Johnny O’Hagan Brebner Sub Editor Janne Song Distributor Shannon Kinzett Chief News Reporter Emma Houpt Feature Writers CVK Preya Gothanayagi Shanti Mathias

Section Editors Lily McElhone (Books) Emma Maguire (TV) Maya Neupane (Art) Eva Lockhart (Film) Kii & Tom (Food) Contributors Puck, Jimmy Boy, Alice Mander, Georgia Gifford, Sasha Beattie, Tamatha Paul, Te Aorewa Areta, Grahame Woods, Lachlan Patterson, Mandeno Martin

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About Us Salient is published by, but remains editorially independant from the Victoria Univeristy of Wellington Students’ Association (VUWSA). Salient is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) and the New Zealand Press Council. Salient is funded in part by Victoria University of Wellington students through the Student Services Levy. The views expressed in Salient do not neceassarily reflect those of the Editor, VUWSA, or the University.

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