Food | Issue 9

Issue 09

Vol. 78

04 May

how to be a dick about your food

Contents

News 04–13

Regular Content 03 Editorial 13 Puzzles 30 Loosely Inspired (by The Bachelor) 31 The Moan Zone 31 We Drank This So You Wouldn’t Have To 33 The Week in Feminism 34 Food 35 Visual Arts 36 Film 38 Games 39 Books 40 Music 42 Science 44 Letters 47 VUWSA

05 07

Features 14–27 14

Senior Feature Writer Philip McSweeney

Design and Illustration Ella Bates-Hermans Lily Paris West

Feature Writers Charlotte Doyle Gus Mitchell

Senior News Editor Sophie Boot

Distributor Beckie Wilson

News Editor Nicola Braid

News Interns Emma Hurley Charlie Prout Tim Grgec Beckie Wilson Elea Yule

Chief Sub Editor Kimaya McIntosh Sub Editor Zoe Russell

Section Editors Ruth Corkill (Science) Sharon Lam (Visual Arts) Jack Young (Gaming) Jayne Mulligan (Books) Alice Reid (Music) Fairooz Samy (Film)

In Which Philip Eats Alone at Logan Brown

Logan Brown: better than Double Brown.

By Philip McSweeney.

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In Which Sharon Eats Baby Food

26

Superfoods: WTF are they and should you even bother?

Editor Sam McChesney

Your lawyers will still be pretty good #AcademicBored: Student reps slam “structural threat to academic integrity”

Baby food: worse than Double Brown. By Sharon Lam.

Do “superfoods” deserve the mantle, or are they just “foods”? By Brigid Quirke.

Contact Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University P.O. Box 600, Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766 Editor: editor@salient.org.nz News Editor: news@salient. org.nz Website: salient.org.nz Twitter: @salientmagazine Facebook: facebook.com/ salientmagazine

Other Contributors Sharon Lam, Yvette Velvin, Brigid Quirke, Joe Cruden, George Block, Tom and Luke, Lydia and Mitch, Brittany Mackie, Sarah Dillon, Advertising James Keane, Rick Email: sales@vuwsa.org.nz Zwaan, Rory McNamara. Phone: 04 463 6982

Printed By Guardian Print, Ashburton

About Us Salient is published by, but is editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students’ Association (VUWSA).

Salient is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) and the New Zealand Press Council.

Salient is funded in part by Victoria University of Wellington students through the Student Services Levy.

The views expressed in Salient do not necessarily reflect those of the Editor, VUWSA, or the University.

Complaints People with a complaint against the magazine should first complain in writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the Press Council. See presscouncil.org.nz/complain.php for more information.

Editorial

Ingredients:

Sam McChesney

In which Sam searches for the Ultimate Shortcut, gives up and has a heart attack I’m a dick when it comes to food. I’ve always been deeply opposed to the idea of cooking, simply because I’d much rather be doing something important like lying down. Lately I’ve taken to using “the time pressures of a full time job” as my go-to excuse for buying pizza or cooking/reheating nachos for the sixth night running, but in reality the entire history of my culinary endeavours has been a quest for the Ultimate Shortcut: that Holy Grail of a meal that’s cheap, tastes okay, isn’t overtly unhealthy, and requires very little time or effort to produce.

Living at a hall was great because I didn’t have to bother; all I had to do was drag myself over to the trough and stick my head down. Forget the Fresher Five—in my first year I put on almost ten kilos, vital padding for the long and miserly road ahead.

But once I started flatting, the quest for the Ultimate Shortcut began. Every few months I would stumble across a new meal that seemed to indulge my inherent laziness to implausible new degrees. Mac and cheese. $2 shoestring fries from the Flying Squid.

When I combined the leftover cheese sauce from my mac and cheese with the $2 fries, I thought I had found the Ultimate Shortcut.

“Are you the One?” I hoarsely whispered in the depths of my refrigerated hellhole, snot dripping from my nose and glistening streams of cheese marking salty trails down my fingers. But no: when the Flying Squid raised their prices I found myself overcome with malaise; and when I discovered that malaise was also a symptom of scurvy, I moved on.

Indian curry jars were a source of inspiration.

Butter chicken. No. Too expensive. Butter

mince. Mango mince with rice. Rogan Josh with deep-fried chips. I moved on. Pasta bake: that held the ascendancy for at least two years, once I stumbled upon the golden combination of tomato pasta bake sauce (out of a jar, naturally), spinach, and cream cheese.

I gave it up for an expensive fling with some classy fish tacos. That didn’t last. Are nachos the Ultimate Shortcut? Is Soylent?

Narrative convention dictates one of two paths for this editorial. I could deliver a wise lesson about how the Ultimate Shortcut doesn’t exist. To be a healthy, well-rounded adult, I must embrace the virtues of slow food and stop looking for the easy way out. It’s a metaphor for life, or something. Or, with a steely expression and a touching, vulnerable determination, I could express hope that the Ultimate Shortcut is still out there, waiting for me. I won’t give up hope, I could say, while I steadily walk off into the sunset, and the crowd cheers and maybe tears up a little at my brave decision to follow my heart right up until it gives out at the age of 31.

I won’t do either of those things, because the theme of this issue isn’t wellbeing, or romance, or narrative tidiness. The theme of this issue is How To Be A Dick About Your Food. Instead of sharing with you my Ultimate Shortcut, I share with you my Ultimate Pointless Middle Finger To All That Is Holy, my Fatal Attraction recipe, a meal I picked up along the road and haven’t been able to shake since. Here is the Bacon Explosion: a meal that takes hours to cook, is extremely expensive, will definitely kill you instantly if you try to eat it all in one go, and, to be honest, is more funny than it is tasty.

Enjoy!

500gm streaky bacon One 400gm roll of sausage meat Barbeque sauce 2 Tbsp barbeque seasoning At least 1 tsp chilli powder

Method: 1. Heat the oven to around 110°C. 2. Weave the bacon into a square mat. There should be some left over, fry and chop this up.

3. Layer the sausage meat on top of the bacon mat, leaving a gap of around 4cm at one side.

4. Put the fried bacon on top of the sausage meat with a generous dousing of barbeque sauce. Mix the chilli and the barbeque seasoning together, and sprinkle around half on top of the fried bacon.

5. Roll the bacony sausagey nightmare into a log, rolling toward the sausage-free end.

Rub the rest of the seasoning into the top.

6. Measure its approximate thickness and cook in the oven for half an hour per centimetre.

Have fun cleaning the tray afterwards.

7. Tell all your vegetarian friends about it.

Congratulations! They now think you’re a dick.

04

Person of the Week:

salient

By the Numbers 70% Proportion of Apple’s revenue currently generated through iPhone sales

76% What women on average earn compared to men, according to a recent UN report

37 States in the US currently supporting same sex-marriage, as the US Supreme Court considers whether to make it a constitutional right

770,000 Reported number of subscribers to Jay Z’s streaming music service Tidal

Bruce Jenner After months of speculation the former Olympian—and stepdad to a bunch of K names we don’t care about— bravely spoke to ABC’s Diane Sawyer last week about his* struggle being transgender. He spoke openly about how his “brain is much more female than it is male” and Salient congratulates Jenner on bringing to the fore a national and global conversation about long-neglected trans issues. *In most cases, the correct pronoun for a male-to-female trans person is “she”, and vice versa. However, in this case Jenner has asked that people continue to use the male pronoun to refer to him.

www.salient.org.nz

$19 What you can now pay to access the wills of Winston Churchill, Florence Nightingale and Charles Darwin online

10-15 days The jail sentence given to three Russian women found twerking next to a World War II monument

issue 9

05

NEWS. KEE N EYE FOR NEWS? S END ANY T IPS , LEADS OR GOSSIP TO NE WS @S ALIENT.ORG.NZ

Your lawyers will still be pretty good Your teeth are going to be great though Sophie Boot Victoria’s law school is clawing back its international rankings, while the law schools at Auckland and Otago have continued to fall.

The Quacquarelli Symonds (QS) World Universities Rankings by Subject 2015, released last Wednesday, highlight the top 200 universities around the world for 30 popular subjects.

In 2014, Victoria’s law school ranked 49th in the world—a significant drop from 19th globally in 2013. However, the latest round of rankings has Victoria at 45th equal in the world for law.

Other universities have not been able to replicate this success, with University of Auckland dropping to 33rd for law (down from 28th in 2014) and Otago bowing out of the top 50 law schools globally (having ranked 32nd in 2014).

Impressively, Otago became the first New Zealand university to have a subject ranked in the top ten globally, its Dentistry School placing eighth. This was the first time QS had ranked dentistry schools. Meanwhile, Massey University placed fifteenth for Veterinary Science.

Communications and Media Studies, but lags behind Auckland, which leads the country in 31 different subjects.

“Our results show that we really punch above our weight on the international stage, and reflect the University’s position as New Zealand’s globally ranked capital city,” Victoria’s Acting Vice-Chancellor Professor Barrie Macdonald said.

This is in contrast to the University’s comment in 2014, when Professor Rob Rabel, Pro Vice-Chancellor International, called the QS rankings system “volatile” and said that rankings were measured and interpreted in many different ways.

At the time, Rabel said the law school’s dramatic drop in rankings “may be [due to] citation rates, which vary from year to year and depend on when publications come out.”

Universities New Zealand Executive Director Chris Whelan said the overall results of New Zealand universities were outstanding.

“New Zealand’s universities continue to punch above their weight despite competing against some of the biggest and best funded universities in the world,” he said.

English Language and Literature at Victoria has lost out, dropping from 31st in the world in 2014 into an unspecified placing between 50 and 100. Universities ranked between the top 50 and top 100 in a subject are not given a specific number ranking.

QS head of research Ben Sowter described New Zealand institutions as “world-class”, with “high-impact research and [an] outstanding reputation among an industryleading sample of global academic experts and graduate employers.”

Vic is in the top 100 for ten other subjects, including Accounting & Finance, Art and Design, Development Studies, Education, Geography, History, Linguistics, and Psychology. It leads New Zealand universities in

QS subject rankings are determined by academic reputation, citations per faculty, and the h-index, which measures the productivity and impact of the published work of academics. editor@salient.org.nz

06

salient

News

#AcademicBored

Student reps slam “structural threat to academic integrity” Nicola Braid VUWSA President Rick Zwaan may bring a grievance to the University Council, after the Academic Board on Tuesday fast-tracked two new Master’s programmes to the Committee on University Academic Programmes (CUAP) for approval.

As reported in Salient last week, the Master’s of Engineering Practice and the Master’s of Software Development were controversially forwarded to Academic Board, despite disagreement as to whether Academic Committee, the body responsible for forwarding new courses to Academic Board, had in fact agreed to do so.

At last Tuesday’s Academic Board meeting, Vice Provost (Academic and Equity) Allison Kirkman introduced the proposals—which were questioned primarily on the grounds of academic integrity—as having been “proposed by the Academic Committee and Senior Leadership Team”.

Zwaan, VUWSA Academic Vice President Jonathan Gee, and PGSA member Michael Gilchrist had all raised concerns with the programmes. They claimed the Master’s of Engineering Practice would be inaccessible to domestic students, and that the international students to whom the course is tailored would be socially isolated during their study.

The student reps also claimed that the Master’s of Software Development did not meet the required standard for a Master’s programme. They claimed that approving the programme would undermine the integrity of other postgraduate qualifications at Victoria. www.salient.org.nz

Zwaan said that the proposal meant that “someone with absolutely no background in software development would be able to become a Master in Software Development after only 12 months of basic coding courses.”

Although the School of Engineering and Computer Science representative Professor Dale Carnegie did his best to assure Board members that the proposals were airtight, Ngai Tauira representative Julia Forde also raised concerns that the proposals did not include any cultural education for international students in line with the University’s Treaty of Waitangi obligations.

Things seemed to be about to hit the proverbial fan when Interim Provost Barrie Macdonald interrogated Gilchrist as to his speaking rights, but after some hushed murmurs it was discovered that Gilchrist had indeed followed procedure and was allowed to speak. Gilchrist looked set to launch into an impassioned speech but was quickly silenced for being “repetitive”.

Zwaan, Gee, PGSA representative Hayden Green, Forde, and Pasifika Students Council Academic Officer Kieran Meredith abstained from voting on the Master’s of Engineering practice, which was approved unanimously.

The five voted also against the Master’s of Software Development, with all other Board members present—about 40 in total—voting in favour.

Zwaan, Gee and Gilchrist claimed that no member of the Academic Committee had spoken in favour of the two proposed programmes; while Kirkman, who chairs

the Committee, claimed the Committee had approved the programmes for forwarding to the Board. The Committee has no formal process for approving programmes, and Kirkman has refused to allow Salient to attend any Committee meetings this year, so it remains unclear what actually happened— or, indeed, what the point of Committee even is.

Gilchrist told Salient that “having heard the concerns with this degree raised at Academic Committee it is extraordinary that none of these came through to Academic Board.

“The gap between the two bodies is a structural threat to academic integrity at the university.”

Following the Board meeting, Zwaan told Salient that he was considering taking the board’s motion to the University Council under the University’s Academic Board Statute.

Section 4.3 c) of the Board’s statute claims that “Any person aggrieved by any action of the Board, in the exercise of its powers of discipline conferred by statute, may appeal to the Council. The decision of the Council cannot be appealed further within the university.”

Then again, the terms of reference for Academic Committee also claims the purpose of the committee is “to scrutinise and report to the Academic Board on all proposals […] and to delete or change existing programmes or courses”—go figure.

issue 9

News

07

HE SAID, HE SAID Master’s of Engineering Practice VUWSA/PGSA says: The start date could could exclude domestic students.

Carnegie says: “there is nothing in [the proposal] that would exclude domestic students.”

The Proposal says: “There is an advantage in starting the programme late in the year in order to give students time to obtain their visa after finishing at the end of the Northern Hemisphere year… one likely scenario is that it would be offered from October to the following September” VUWSA/PGSA says: Will students be physically incorporated if the proposed ICT school is in town?

Carnegie says: The students will be up at Kelburn The proposal says: “The programme would require new space and computing facilities. It is expected that this space would be part of a physical presence of the Wellington ICT Graduate School located in the Wellington Downtown area.”

Master’s of Software Development VUWSA/PGSA says: Will the Master’s programme bring down the reputation of other Masters at Vic because its course content is not as advanced?

Carnegie says: There are similar programmes in the UK and the industry will “know the difference” between a Master’s of Engineering and a Master’s of Software Development The proposal says: “The programme is a conversion Master’s degree, teaching similar content to the current Bsc(COMP) and BE(SWEN), but in a compressed programme… The MSwDEv is intended to lead to working as a professional in the IT industry, but graduates seeking further qualifications could progress to a research based Master’s degree and/or a PhD.” VUWSA/PGSA says: Could students not take a Graduate Diploma instead of calling it a Master’s programme?

Carnegie says: The “application” of the course is at a Master’s level, even if the skills aren’t.

The proposal says: “The Master’s level degree will be perceived as desirable by students who have a already have a Bachelor’s degree (more so than a graduate diploma).”

VUWSA/PGSA says: The Master’s programme has no formal accreditation from the industry Carnegie says: The industry doesn’t formally accredit Masters’ programmes; but if they did, they would.

Library says “it’s fine(s)!”

Emma Hurley Figures released to Salient under the Official Information Act show that over 80 per cent of all Victoria University library fines generated in 2014 were waived.

Last year the library issued $216,836 in fines and of these $176,533 in “systemgenerated fines” were waived.

The University maintained that this return didn’t make the system ineffectual, but noted that the library is currently “reviewing grace periods” (where items are technically overdue but no fine charged) and standardising borrowing policies.

The library’s system automatically generates fines at “lost item replacement value” for material that is “well overdue”. For example, students are charged $80 per “well overdue” item. If the item is returned then that fine is waived. Fines can also be waived, or partially waived, at the discretion of the library staff.

A spokesperson for the library said the purpose of fines is to “encourage clients to return or renew material in a timely fashion, so that everyone is able to use the collections”.

We spoke to some rebellious students who have had frequent fines throughout their study.

Former Vic student Thomas said the library “seem quite happy to accept any excuse” to waive fees, and the most he ever paid in fines was $20.

Jessie, a postgrad student, has owed an average of $80 for much of the past two years. She said she pays her fines if they mean she can’t borrow anymore, but “as I long as I can still use the library I just tend to ignore them”.

She said “fines are really frustrating as a postgrad because often you’re using books you know no one else wants” but she admits the fines did push her to “actually take the books back”.

Another postgrad, Joe, has also owed over $80 since he started at Vic, most often “through wilful ignorance”. He said “since most of the things I’ve had out are relatively obscure, I don’t understand what the rush is.”

The University assured Salient that “most students are generally polite” when it comes to fines. The University aims “to be as flexible as possible” when it comes to paying off fines and can work with Student Finance if hardship is an issue.

Students with outstanding fines are not able to graduate. Last year, the total amount paid in library fines was $40,303—that’s 62,973 packets of Mi Goreng noodles, or enough to pay for a 4cm extension to the Wellington Airport runway. editor@salient.org.nz

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salient

News

Kelburn residents are Weir-ly pissed Elea Yule

Kelburn residents are asking the University to seriously consider making Weir House alcohol free.

Documents obtained by Salient under the Official Information Act reveal many residents had begun the process of submitting an application for a liquor ban in Kelburn Park. According to Wellington City Council City Safety Advisor Emma McGill, the residents “had gathered several letters of support but needed more in terms of crime and harm resulting from drinking for the WCC to process further.”

Numerous complaints were made via email: “VIC uni are completely out of control re their students on the park and they make life hell for the residents who live in the area.

WCC staff spent hours cleaning up after last year.”

“The fireworks, screaming, drinking, shooting @ each other with the fireworks went on each night until about 4am.”

“We were too fearful to let our baby grandson play on our own decking.”

“The fountain was left littered again last night, both and around it (a day or so after the Council had drained and cleaned it) with no effort at all from Weir House to clean it up.”

“Clearly the problem is deep seated and relates to the Halls alcohol culture these past six or so years.”

www.salient.org.nz

“Aside from the litter issue, we have been experiencing loud disorderly behaviour late at night. The root cause of all this is excessive alcohol consumption.”

“Maybe the time has arrived for Weir House (and Everton Hall if needs be) to become alcohol and intoxication free. The University now has plenty of other student accommodation where alcohol-fuelled rites of passage can be practised.”

Although the concerns have been ongoing over recent years, the University and the ever-reliable Dominion Post have been giving increased attention to the prospect of alcohol bans in light of similar complaints against other halls including Katherine Jermyn, Boulcott and Joan Stevens.

University campus services director Jenny Bentley has borne the brunt of many of the complaints. In response to the complaints, Bentley told residents that the University’s position is that “an alcohol ban in these halls would not solve the issues, and may even compound them.”

However, as reported by The Dominion Post last week, Katherine Jermyn and Joan Stevens Hall were as of last week under a total alcohol ban, while Boulcott’s has recently been lifted.

VUWSA President Rick Zwaan also weighed in on the discussion. “I think it would be highly counterproductive to ban alcohol in Weir House as this would likely lead to more

students drinking in the park rather than the supervised areas within the hall.”

“I would also note than from an intergenerational perspective—our first year students this year are drinking far less than our predecessors (there are stories reported from the 70s and earlier of Kelburn Park being literally covered in beer bottles and cans).”

Rachel Barrowman’s Victoria University of Wellington, 1899-1999: A History indicates that riotous behaviour at Weir is indeed traditional.

According to the author, in 1963 the New Zealand Truth exposed the then all-male Weir House “as a den of iniquity, a hotbed of squalor, vandalism, drunkenness and naked women in the showers.

“In 1976 the Weirmen threw flour bombs and eggs, lit a fire in an upstairs room, flooded two floors with the fire hoses, and let off a smoke bomb which sent four residents to hospital.”

However, the University told Salient that it has no plans to make any of its halls alcohol free but acknowledged the responsibility Vic owed to surrounding neighbours, as well as student safety.

Longstanding history of obnoxiously pissed students aside, it remains to be seen what stance the University will take in resolving these residents’ issues and whether alcohol bans will actually be effective.

News

issue 9

Eye on Exec

This column may or may not be commercially sensitive; you’ll have to check with Rick Sam McChesney The meeting got off to an inauspicious start. Salient turned up at precisely 6:00pm only for Equity Officer Chennoah to immediately tell this reporter to bugger right off, as the Exec were still in a meeting with University big-hitters including the Chancellor and Vice-Chancellor. Salient was forced to wait outside with the VUWSA Secretary for a full half hour—just gonna say it, that’s a bit bloody rude—and the pair, both Otago alumni, whiled away the time talking about how this would never happen at OUSA (partly because the OUSA Executive is little more than a social clique and no Chancellor worth their salt would bother meeting with them for any longer than absolutely necessary).

Anyway, Rick (pointlessly) moved into committee to discuss a brief he’d prepared on upgrading the VUWSA website, a brief which he then (pointlessly) embargoed.

The reasons he gave for the brief being commercially sensitive were that: 1.

2.

Both of these rationales were trumped up: 1.

By the time the bigwigs departed and the meeting finally began, the normally perky Exec were understandably grim and floppy.

Treasurer-Secretary Jacinta kicked things off by announcing she’s actually a lizard, and the meeting ground itself into existence.

VUWSA has now purchased its new van. In “wow, that really shouldn’t be the General Manager’s job, WTF” news, it was announced that the VUWSA General Manager had personally driven the new van down from Auckland. One execcie triumphantly pointed out to Salient that VUWSA were no longer “vanless losers”, as this column had previously alleged, and Salient charitably reminded the Exec that the addition of a van just makes them regular losers. Jacinta reminded Salient that it had not been given speaking rights, a classic lizard move.

President Rick then got his fortnightly fix of hot closed-session action, and moved the meeting into committee of the whole “for reasons of commercial sensitivity”. Salient has already banged on about this a lot this year, but it really is getting ridiculous.

We’re not sure if Rick doesn’t know what “commercially sensitive” means, if he’s just stubborn, or if the voices in his head start singing “time for committee” at least once every meeting. We don’t know. The best excuse his loyal execcies could come up with after the meeting was that “Sonya [last year’s President] did it way more”. Cool, and I bet Hitler did, too. Checkmate, atheists.

the brief would give potential bidders vital information about VUWSA’s website needs, undermining VUWSA’s bargaining position; and if the brief became public it would give bidders who saw it extra time to prepare a tender, giving those bidders an unfair advantage.

2.

the brief contained no information that could actually undermine VUWSA’s bargaining position (e.g. the amount VUWSA has budgeted for the upgrades). It did contain information about VUWSA’s website needs and its proposed tender process, but prospective bidders will ultimately need to know about these anyway; and publicly available information is just that: publicly available. Being able to access it isn’t an “unfair advantage”— this makes no sense whatsoever.

Besides, releasing the information early just gives bidders more time to prepare, which is surely a good thing because it will result in stronger bids.

Technically Rick is allowed to do this— section 5(a) of the Standing Orders in the VUWSA Constitution states “At any time the meeting may resolve itself into a committee of the whole. Except for motions which are carried the proceedings of the committee of the whole shall not be reported or recorded.”* The Exec don’t even need to give a reason for moving into committee— Rick just does that because Salient likes to whinge. The point is, though, misusing it and citing made-up reasons is bad form.

ANYWAY. Campaigns Officer Nathaniel presented VUWSA’s consultation document on the upcoming changes to University Council. This document outlines how VUWSA will go about developing the ________ *Jesus, what has my life come to?

09

official stance it will take to the University.

Rick then subtly dissed the University’s student consultation forums on the changes.

The University has decided that the forums will be run by the University alone, so Rick believes it is important for VUWSA to run its own forums. The subtext here is that VUWSA doesn’t trust the University to undertake a genuine process, and thinks that the terms of reference the University has set for the forums are vague and unhelpful.

Naughty Rory then revealed he was in discussions with the University and theatre students to bring back the Capping Revue.

The Revue—an annual skit show produced

by Victoria students—was a regular fixture for decades until it ran out of funding and was scrapped sometime in the nineties.

Revues have continued at other New Zealand universities, notably at Otago, where the Capping Show runs for ten days every year and brings in audiences of thousands.

Rory has the University’s backing, and an agreement in principle to hire out the Memorial Theatre. See next week’s Salient for further coverage on this (potentially very cool) development.

Academic Vice President Jonathan then reported on Academic Board, which he diplomatically described as an “interesting experience”, before dispensing with diplomacy altogether and ripping the Uni out. Salient is covering this story on page 6, so we’ll restrict ourselves to the saltiest remarks: 1.

2.

3.

4.

Jono said two of the Engineering School’s new Masters programmes that were approved at the meeting were about meeting “Government demand, not student demand”.

Jono basically accused Prof Dale Carnegie of the School of Engineering and Computer Science of lying to Academic Board, giving bogus answers to VUWSA’s questions and counting on VUWSA being unable to debunk the answers on the spot.

Jono claimed other members of Academic Board had been told by higher-ups to toe the party line, and that several had approached them after the meeting to privately express their sympathy with VUWSA’s position.

(Salient is unable to verify this.)

Nathaniel asked whether Academic Board was “basically a bureaucratic clusterfuck with everyone patting each other on the back”. Jono and Rick didn’t disagree.

A few more things happened but let’s face it, you probably stopped reading ages ago.

editor@salient.org.nz

10

salient

News

Wellington: “Hi, cycle lanes!”

Cycle lanes: “Hi.”

ipredict

Beckie Wilson The Wellington City Council has proposed a new cycle lane plan in the hope of making Wellington at least seem like a cyclefriendly, modern city.

Campbell Live to be cancelled by 1 January, 2016

According to Wellington Mayor Celia Wade-Brown, 76 per cent of Wellingtonians said they would cycle within the city and suburbs if there were more protected bike lanes.

28.9%

The proposed cycling framework would cater to both experienced and inexperienced cyclists and builds on previous cycle policies that were put forward in 2008.

Kevin Hague to be the next Green Party CoLeader

One of the proposed lanes would see cycleway access for students up to the University campus in Kelburn.

64.6%

In a council press release, Wade-Brown said the Council is seeking to tailor “cycleways in Wellington with a range of safe cycling options that will fit with the different streets, town centres and parks of our city.”

Dani to be the winner of The Bachelor New Zealand

24.9%

Wade-Brown proposed to “optimise streets for people on foot, on bike, on buses and in cars” with “all people movement” being prioritised over on-street parking.

Average Auckland house price to reach between $795,000 and $805,000 in May

Members of the public speaking at the Council meeting last Thursday were overwhelmingly in favour of the proposal, with most identifying as cyclists and/or bike enthusiasts. One Berhampore resident, Curtis Nixon, was hopeful that those who ride scooters and skateboards would also be able to frequent the proposed safety lanes.

35.4%

Some councillors raised concerns about the effects the cycleways might have on on-street parking within the CBD and suburbs.

Labour’s Ed Miliband to be elected the next British Prime Minister

There was also some debate amongst members about the controversial plans for the Southern cycleway in Island Bay, which drew 729 submissions from local residents, 45 per cent of which were opposed.

50.5%

The Wellington City Council will meet again in June to consult over whether or not to approve the cycleway proposal and assign priorities for specific routes.

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News

issue 9

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MELTDOWN OF THE WEEK: (Posted 30/04/15 on the ekim burger facebook page)

#EKIMGATE It’s a thing

Wellington chef and Ekim Burgers owner Mike Duffy caused a social media frenzy last Thursday after taking to Facebook to rant about a customer complaint.

What may have innocently started as a light Thursday morning troll sparked debate among punters around a number of issues, including the treatment of hospitality workers in New Zealand, social media as business platform and even the use of drugs.

Then another renowned form of social media—Stuff and its comment section—got involved, so you know shit’s got huge.

Salient has done readers the honour of providing you with some of the most colourful commentary on what could accurately be described as a “right clusterfuck”.

Quotes from Facebook: “makes me hungry for a burger TBH” “I hope your burgers will outshine this negativity” “I’m 100% with you, ive been hitting the pans since 1998 and i think ive had a decend thank you less than a dozen times [sic]” “Are you on crack?” “what a fuckn wanker response. Hope you go broke mate [sic]” “You’re judgier[sic] than a 16 year old narcissistic teenage girl. You also have the grammr and English abilities of one.

BOYCOTT THIS MOTHERFUCKING MORON. Fuck your goddamned made-with-hate burgers” “Can I have a Bitter Burger with a side order of misplaced aggression” “please don’t delete this thread…”

“Almost 20 years in this fucking industry and never had a person who ate what I cook get sick from it. Plenty of pissed up office jocks pulling the “i got food poisoning” call after going home way to drunk from a staff Christmas party with someone who they shouldn’t have. Loads of middle class no idea house wives completely out of their league complaining that their wine glass should have more in it. Dozens of to drunk to drive but gonna anyway cos they can lawyer’s with no regard for the position they put you in as the license holder by driving home. 100000s of eggs on Sunday mornings when no one, least of all the other staff wants to hear some little shit kid banging his or her fork on the wooden table only to be released from its chair to fuck up the morning of other diners. So it’s dimwitted parents can talk about what shit the service is even though they’d never tip no matter how good it was. this is the world through the eyes of a somewhat tired of being pestered about shit that dont matter to me grill cook. Not a chef getting huge money to not cook and walk round with a clip board, but a hard working and honest sometimes blunt but always honest cook. The point most of you dicks miss is... don’t point fingers unless you know for sure. specialy when it’s something as serious as a potential food poisoning out break. These are as far as im concernd very serious a harsh accusation if you’re offend by my tone or the messsge, good! god only knows enough of you have offend me over the years with your ignorance and lack of respect for the hard working individuals that cook your meals when you don’t. Or the person who you so freely look down for gut dragging half a soggy rollie while texting away in the shadows. who’s gonna wash the plates when you finish or the waitress who’s pony tail you pull just cos you can.

Those of you who understood the situation before this, chur. The rest of you that feel so strongly, now you’re just going to have to get a new crusade today, other than my lack of respect for those who show none.”

editor@salient.org.nz

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salient

News

Promposal blows up in face

Caught between the cops and a hard place Elea Yule

I’ma lick dem tatas Infants and middle aged men with mummy issues can now rejoice, as a new breastmilk flavoured ice cream has entered the market. Developed

by London-based ice cream company The Licktators, the additional flavour was created to welcome the birth of Royal Baby the II and to raise awareness of breastfeeding in public. The ice cream is branded “Royal Baby Gaga” and will be packaged in both pink and blue tubs.

Licktator’s spokeswoman has described it as “the ultimate organic ice-cream”, adding that it is “free-range and freshly squeezed.”

Baring down on the finish line Jockey Blake Shinn fell slightly behind after his pants fell down in the final turn of Race 1 at Australia’s Canterbury racecourse.

Far from taking up the rear however, the jockey still managed to take second place ... ahead of Modesty, who came in third.

“People wouldn’t know I’m that cheeky,” Shinn told Sky Channel’s Richard Haynes after the race, who then encouraged the jockey to “go and debrief with your owners.” www.salient.org.nz

In a bid to avoid arrest, a central Indiana man had to be rescued by firefighters after he became stuck inside a wall in his home. Steven Shuler was wedged in a 16 inchwide hole next to his chimney for over a day before a visiting friend discovered him and called the fire service to extract him. Morgan Township Fire Chief Miguel Ongay said that never in three decades of work had he come across such a situation. “It was a special kind of stupid.”

An 18-year-old high school student in Washington was suspended for wearing a fake bomb as part of his prom-posal to a girl in his school’s cafeteria.

Ibrahim Ahmad carried a sign alongside it which read: “I Kno it’s A little late, But I’m kinda…

THE BOMB! Rilea, Will U Be My Date To Prom?” Ahmad believes the punishment was unjust. “I’m Middle Eastern, and I thought the bomb was kind of funny and clever,” he said. “I wasn’t wearing the vest for more than, like, 20 seconds.”

After all that work, Ahmad’s five-day suspension also prevents him from attending prom, yet, after blowing her away, he still intends to take his would-be date to dinner and a movie.

Tasered over Taters

Strippers at funerals? Let’s take a pole China is aiming to restrict strippers who perform at rural funerals. According to state media, the burlesque shows started in order to draw more mourners to funerals and show off the family wealth, but they now risk corrupting “social morals”.

Since the Chinese Ministry of Culture put these burlesque shows on their “black list”, people and workplaces have been called out. After the Red Rose Song and Dance Group stripped at the funeral of an elderly person in February, the group’s leader was punished with 15 days in detention and a fine of 70,000 yuan (NZ$14,700).

A would-be thief was caught in the act after he was distracted by tater tots and a nap on the sofa of the house he broke into. After discovering him asleep on her sofa, the Californian homeowner called the police and rushed out the front door, waking up the side-tracked swindler in the process. Officers parked on the next street spotted the fleeing man, resorting to using a stun gun twice when he resisted their attempts to handcuff him.

Aaaaaare you achin’ (yup yup yup) Fooooorr some bacon After McDonalds workers failed twice to put bacon on her burgers, Michigan woman Shaneka Torres made a complaint about the service, by firing a gun in the restaurant.

While no one was injured, the 30-year-old has been sentenced to 3–7 years in prison to stew in her own juice.

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Oh no. Drake has to walk the carpet and his eyebrows aren’t here yet. Draw them in for him.

editor@salient.org.nz

In Which Philip Eats Alone at Logan Brown

Phillip McSweeney

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Conventional wisdom has it that New Zealand’s two largest cities have distinct Australian correspondents. Sydney is analogous to Auckland, while Melbourne is a cross-the-Tasman parallel to Wellington. There is at least one way in which Wellington doesn’t sync up, however, and that is when it comes to food. It’s not that our food isn’t great, but Melbourne has the “foodie capital” allure. We have a variety of cheap, mostly unpleasant Malaysian BYOs. Sure, we tried valiantly to rep our eatery steez with “Wellington on a Plate”, but when a university cafe qualifies as an entry you know something’s amiss.

This is strange, because Wellington offers quite a few fine dining establishments—Capitol, Hippopotamus, Bistro on Boulcott, The White House (if you’re familiar with the Auckland variation, do hold your titters), Shed 5. But all of them fly, albeit at a cruising altitude, under the radar. Except for one. Somehow Logan Brown, situated at the top of Cuba Street (the dead part) has become the archetype of fancy restaurants in Wellington. A bit of light canvassing revealed that everyone asked had heard of Logan Brown, knew it by reputation, although only one had ever dined there. It’s fairly safe to presume you know it by reputation too. Why this one?

The buzz that surrounded it in 2009 when it won the coveted NZ Restaurant of the Year award—International Guest Judge and Wine Expert Ralph-Kyte Powell claimed “if I had to select an international flagship for Wellington Cuisine, Logan Brown would be hard to go past”—has surely murmured out by now, though the restaurant’s website prominently displays this half-decade-old judgement.

Similarly, a five-star rating from the Dom Post’s resident gourmand, David Burton, can’t be the only thing keeping it in business. Mr. Burton would award five stars to his own smegma, and no doubt label the experience “authentic” and “bold”.* Somehow the restaurant continues to thrive. I say “somehow” because, as I tried to allude to earlier, its location is incongruous to its function. I don’t want to belabour Cuba Street’s “quirky charm” or “hip altyness”, but suffice it to say it doesn’t exactly exude the kind of chic elegance you’d expect from a 175 year old street. Logan Brown isn’t even situated in the street’s vibrant, delightful lower clusters. ___________ *I’m just joshin’ ya Dave, love yew.

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Instead it’s in the heart of Cuba’s dead badlands, surrounded by failed industrial experiments, on a stretch whose two main commercial attractions are a (now defunct, never 4get) novelty sock store and a punk record store whose opening hours are dependent on how bad its owners’ hangovers are on any given day. That whole Upper Cuba stretch is empty in a way that only places that were once raucously inhabited can be empty; nestling their restaurant amongst the gloom seems like a dubious business decision.

This incompatibility was highlighted by the recent Cuba-Dupa festival. Logan Brown’s stall looked ill-at-ease, and their offer of $15 whitebait sandwiches wasn’t quite concession enough for the ethos of the event. Some would argue the fact they needed a stall at all belies their very function as a high-class restaurant. In a commercial climate in which Martin Bosley’s primely-located waterfront restaurant couldn’t stay in business, you wonder how Logan Brown manages it.

The other issue is their menu. It’s not that any of the food looks unappetising—far from it—but there’s no sense of cohesion or uniqueness. The White House has lauded seafood platters, Capitol has its bisque, Bistro on Boulcott promises—and delivers—homely meals. Shit, even KK Malaysia has its renowned Mee Goreng, and KCs its Duck on Rice. Logan Brown’s menu is basically “expensive food, a miscellany of ”, and looks like it’s been curated by someone whose only concern is using astronomically priced ingredients. Its one ostensibly identifying promise—“restaurants don’t need to be formal to serve fine food”—is transparent, cynical bullshit. All those episodes of Gordon Ramsay I’ve seen qualify me to be curious: a lack of cohesion is a number-one deal-breaker, or would be if the food wasn’t divine. So how good is the food really?

One cold night, the queue at BK was too long so I sauntered to Logan Brown instead to satiate my hunger (I lie: I stole the Salient chequebook because my curiosity got the better of me). I was briefly concerned that I wouldn’t be allowed in (wearing as I was my “hello, I like Animal Collective and Borges” attire; for all their claims to informality, Logan Brown will, do and have turned people away for not meeting an unspoken dress code) but I managed to infiltrate the premises somehow. To be fair, I did tuck in my shirt.

editor@salient.org.nz

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The first thing I noted was the decor, which occupied a middle ground between opulence and ordinary. The building Logan Brown rents used to be owned by a bank, a lavish spiral staircase remaining as evidence. Yet it’s not breathtakingly palatial or gorgeous or anything like that, just pristine and pleasant enough to fade into the background. This, I suspect, is a calculated move, designed to appease their unpretentious ethos without alienating their high-class audience, and to draw attention to the food, wine and company. It was certainly a lot nicer than tanks with crayfish staring mournfully at you in the background.

The second was the service. There are two cliches that dominate conceptions of waitstaff at schmancy eateries. Either the service will be well-mannered, shit-eatingly obsequious, or bored and haughty.

Neither of these are fair to the staff that bust their arses to make their well-earned bucks, but I experienced a toned-down version of both.

One was by proxy. A party of four were led by a handsome old woman within hearing and—if I used my peripherals—viewing distance, and they were waited on hand and foot by a gently genuflecting waiter.

My waitress fell on the other end of the spectrum, cool and pleasantly disinterested, though I can’t exactly blame her—it was obvious to everyone that I was not going to be a big tipper or V.I.P., and I have no doubt that in another setting she would have been lovely. She made me laugh too. Good shit.

For some reason no-one I knew wanted to dine with me, although at least in this instance I can ascribe this to the exorbitant prices rather than my execrable company, and I was seated alone on an oblique angle from the door. Logan Brown’s layout is panoptic: those lucky or wealthy enough to reserve tables on the second floor and climb the serpentine stairs up to a mezzanine have a view of the entire restaurant, while those sitting at tables on the lower level can, in theory, see no-one else.

Dining alone was vaguely unsettling, especially as the laughter and camaraderie of other groups spilled over to my table. I wondered whether the waitstaff were talking about me condescendingly or, worse, pityingly: “hey Tess, look, it’s your new boyfriend!” “That pathetic loser? Not in a million years!” etc. Fortunately, this all-toowww.salient.org.nz

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plausible eveningmare was derailed by my waitress’ arrival at my table.

It was time to order.

Now that I’ve sufficiently whet your appetite, it’s onto the main course: THE FOOD. To begin, I ordered from the “Tastes” menu the Warm Marinated Olives with Aegean Garlic ($8) and some Hot Thai Sausage ($10). Predictably, I discovered the “tastes” menu to be aptly named but nonetheless satisfying. The olives were perfectly marinated, with the garlic not too overbearing without losing that piquant tang I love. Admittedly it’s pretty hard to fuck up olives, but a bite of the Hot Thai Sausage helped persuade me I was in safe hands. I can’t vouch for the authenticity of the dish, but the delicate red-curry infusion was bloody delish.

So far, so good. To stave off boredom, I’d put my iPod in, and let me tell you right now—consuming those tasters while Harsh Noise of Kazumoto Endo’s “While You Were Out” assaulted my taringas. A marriage made in heaven. Who needed “friends” or “companionship”, I mused. I had everything I needed.

I agonised over my next course, almost ordering a $28 starter that promised “Seared Wild Hare Loin, Mulled Wine, Garlic Custard, Gingerbread & Figs” alongside a main. Ultimately my concerns for Salient’s bank balance superseded my love of hare (if you haven’t eaten rabbit and are of the omnivorous persuasion, do try it—it’s like chicken with oomph). I opted for two mains instead.

Kind of. At Logan Brown, you order fancy steak by the gram. At eleven cents a gram for Grass-Fed Beef Bafette—i.e., a cut you will find God in—it seems deceptively reasonable, although the corresponding $110 per kilogram is less persuasive. I get that it’s a good cut y’all, but for that kind of price one hopes the cow was slaughtered on the premises, and the meat taken out by high-end precision technology.

I ordered 100 grams of the stuff, which seemed like a reasonable amount, alongside a Main Proper consisting of line-caught Hapuku* [footnote: does making it line-caught make it taste better somehow?], Tuscan Bread Salad, Basil Gnocchi, Black Olive & Squid Rings

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Logan Brown’s layout is panoptic: those lucky or wealthy enough to reserve tables on the second floor and climb the serpentine stairs up to a mezzanine have a view of the entire restaurant, while those sitting at tables on the lower level can, in theory, see no-one else. editor@salient.org.nz

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The matriarch was having a sip of newly uncorked wine and swishing it around her mouth while the waiter cradled the bottle as one would nurse a child. ($49). In an unforgivable brain-fart moment, I forgot that the steak would be weighed before it was cooked. As such, the portion was only a couple of bites, but what beautiful bites they were. Bafette is a cut of steak that is infamously tough, and so is a) infinitely more flavoursome if cooked on the “barely at all” side of the spectrum and pursuantly b) requires delicate supervision while cooking. To the chefs, ironically, I say Well Done (I’m sorry, but steak puns Rarely leave me feeling Blue). I like this kind of steak to be somewhere between blue and rare, and the morsels were delivered with such succulence and subtle flavours that my mouth is watering profusely just thinking about it.

The Hapuku dish was delicately arranged and the star of the dish melted in the mouth, while the black olive tapenade and gorgeously nuanced gnocci proved that the adjective “astringent” need not be incompatible with the phrase “pants-crappingly delicious”. It was a curious experience crunching on squid rings, which I usually associated more with local fish ‘n’ chip shops than with haute cuisine, and despite adding a couple of esoteric spices to the batter there wasn’t much detectable difference between those and AroChips’ offerings. This is a petulant complaint, though. The flavours of each component of the dish were carefully chosen to compliment each other, and the black olive enhanced the Hapuku sinfully. The serving quantities weren’t huge, but sufficed to fill my savoury stomach up good and proper.

While waiting for my mains to digest (I admit it: I gorged. Very unproper, I know) I peeked at a table adjacent to me as best I could.

The matriarch was having a sip of newly uncorked wine and swishing it around her mouth while the waiter cradled the bottle as one would nurse a child. I’ve always found watching this ritual inexplicably alluring, even when I found out they’re not sampling the wine but tasting whether it has been properly corked, and I vicariously felt the relief and happiness of the table when the matriarch gave it her regal imprimatur.

I walked to the bathrooms—so elegant I half-expected an assistant to pop in and give me a hot-towel shave and shake my member for me— and on my way saw a predictable clientele: a bald 50-year-old silently looking over his much younger date (or daughter, I guess, although www.salient.org.nz

that would have made their hand-holding a bit questionable); a couple of dressed-to-the-nine business suits losing half their bites in ostentatious peals of laughter. I don’t want to complain about the experience too much—I know how lucky I am to have even been able to go—but I have to admit I felt at a loose end, a sullen child sitting at the grown-ups’ table, a fringe acquaintance at a party of close friends.

I was out of place.

Soon, my waitress—nothing if not attentive—found her way to my table. Could she tempt me with a dessert menu? She could. What would I have? The Whittaker’s Dark Chocolate & Brandy Marquise, Blueberry & Ginger Brittle ($18) looked sumptuous, thanks, and could I possibly refill my water glass? Despite the reasonable half an hour wait between ordering my main and the moment of joy I experienced when I saw it arriving, my dessert arrived promptly and with little fanfare. It looked grand, brilliantly arrayed, and honestly at this point I don’t even need to tell you it was scrumptiously delicious, the blueberry and ginger a surprising but effective combination of antioxidants. Here’s the thing though: while the expensiveness of many of the other items on the menu seemed justified, the dessert menu was where everything started to, err, crumble. A couple of rhubarb donuts with ice-cream for eighteen bucks? Lemon Meringue Pie with yoghurt for the same price? I don’t mean to question the love and attention the chef put into their craft, nor do I want to see Logan Brown be unable to pay their overheads or suitably reimburse their staff, but COME ON. The moment I’d licked my plate clean, the waitress emerged and discreetly tucked a bill underneath a dome, told me she hoped I’d enjoyed my experience (I had! Very much!) and departed in a flash of sleek black ensemble. The grand total was $96. There went, in one 90-minute experience, almost a week’s worth of rent. “I’ll settle the cheque honey,” I said aloud, momentarily forgetting I was alone. No regrets. I’d always wanted to do that.

Let’s talk about food for a second. One thing that’s always baffled me about fine dining is that, unless you’re a really seasoned foodie,

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the quality of food isn’t really quantifiable. Just because you pay fifty dollars for a meal doesn’t mean it will be five times as good as a ten dollar one. There is room for subjectivity based on mood and personal preference. If I were craving duck, I’d sooner pay 50 dollars for a mean Peking Duck than five dollars for a cheeseburger combo—but it’s all pretty vague and unscientific. Was Logan Brown fives time better than, say, KK Malaysia, or twice as good as, like, Arizona? How can you measure value for money? I don’t know. I had a great time and ate great food. I might gently suggest it as a location for my parents to take me out for dinner—OMG you totally should too!— but I wouldn’t go back there recreationally. For me it was very much a one-off, even if I did have enough disposable income to dine there for every meal. I can’t put my finger on why (the atmosphere?) but it had nothing to do with how good the food was or how full I was when I left. I just think I can get better value for money elsewhere.

Then there’s the whole “fine dining” craze itself: is it all, y’know, a sham? Are we turning something we need for basic survival— nutrition—and turning it into a weird elitist pissing contest? I don’t personally think we are. The fact we’ve transformed a biological imperative into an aesthetic experience says wonders about the human spirit. According to one theory, the only reason humans evolved the way they did is because we experimented with our food by cooking it instead of eating it raw, thus meaning our bodies gained more nutrients and we could put our brains to work.

Equally, there’s no doubt that fine food, like fashion, is mercurial.

Two centuries ago, human rights organisations protested feeding prisoners lobster—not because it was too quality a foodstuff but because lobster was perceived as a last-resort food, like eating a rat.

Today, they represent fine dining and largesse. Likewise, what we’ve come to associate with quality in dining has shifted from immediacy to its opposite. The cultural consensus is that good food costs time—yours and someone else’s—while “fast food”, in both senses, represents unhealthy stodge nigh-on unfit for human consumption.

This is, historically, a very recent development. By all means enjoy your wagyu, truly! Just remember that what we associate with “fine dining” and the glamour it entails are, in part, constructed, unfixed, hardly redolent of the Platonic Now. Breath easy if you’d rather pot noodles to foie gras. It’s all a matter of taste.

I went home via a circuitous route. I walked down Cuba, past the bustling storefronts. I encroached on JJ Murphy’s patch of sidewalk, glared at that fucking magician (his signature trick, you ask? making all women in a ten-metre radius disappear), heard some buskers playing jazz versions of Pixies hits. From there I walked up the rolling hill that leads to the university, through the graveyard, the snaking streets of Kelburn, among middle-aged family homes and dilapidated student flats alike. It was misty, and I couldn’t tell whether the smoke I was exhaling was because of the cigarette in between my fingers or just the fucking brisk Wellington cold.

Wellington doesn’t need a “flagship” restaurant, let alone one as built on artifice and rituals as Logan Brown. Wellington is so many things, to so many people, that the idea that it—or any other city—can be encapsulated in any dining experience is myopic. Logan Brown was delicious, don’t get me wrong, and well worth experiencing once, but relegating an entire city’s fine food experience to one restaurant is tenuous enough. Wellington is hard to draw an archetype out of, but one thing it has going for it is being a frustrating, lovable mess.

When it comes to living up to this standard, Logan Brown doesn’t fit the bill. editor@salient.org.nz

IN WHICH SHARON EATS BABY FOOD FOR A WEEK

SHARON LAM

Despite being an incredibly lazy person, the one arena in my life where idleness has failed to reign is food. I see every meal as an opportunity for edible happiness and I delight in slow ambles down supermarket aisles and farmers’ markets picking out special ingredients, and returning home to lovingly transform them into dishes—the extent of convenience in my diet only goes so far as sliced bread.

I’m unsure as to how much of the population shares such slow-food sensibilities, and on the other end of the spectrum are those who see food and cooking as an archaic, timeconsuming chore. This has been recognised in product form with Soylent, which was created out of the “disproportionate amount of time and money” spent on meals, promising that you’ll “never have to worry about food again”. Still in its early stages, whether or not the world will take to this liquid meal-replacement is yet to be seen, but it has undeniably generated buzz and curiosity.

Even I have been drawn to the time and money saving potential of such a diet, but my curiosity centered around a different food source, one that has been around for much longer than Soylent—baby food. In many ways, baby food parallels Soylent—it requires little or no preparation, can be eaten on the go, and you don’t need to chew. It’s also cheaper at $1 a serving and readily available at your local supermarket. The largest difference, of course, is Soylent’s nutritional makeup, designed to provide all the nutrients an adult needs—whereas baby food is, well, for babies.

Undeterred, I embarked on an experiment in which I aimed to only eat baby food for a week.

Can baby food replicate the benefits that trendy products like Soylent promise? Will I miss chewing? What does baby food even taste like these days? Am I going to be hungry a lot?

The week begins…

DAY 1: I wake up at the early hour of 1pm in an inquisitive frame of mind, excited to uncover the answers that will surely benefit humankind.

I lay out the ground rules for my experiment: one week, baby food only. I also decide that I am allowed to drink as I normally would—e.g. tea, coffee, milk are okay—just no solid foods.

After a cup of tea, I toddle down to the trusty New World Metro on Willis Street in search of baby food. Upon entering, I am faced with the first direct challenge of my diet—free samples. A kindlooking woman is serving some kind of tomato-based sausage risotto in little plastic cups with little plastic spoons and both

the cheapskate and the burgeoning hunger inside me are yelling to reach out and subtly shovel down at least three samples, as I normally would. In an act of courage and honesty, I defiantly shake my head as the woman makes eager eye contact with me and I move on to the baby food aisle.

The baby food aisle, as it turns out, is the same aisle where the sanitary pads and deodorants are. I had never noticed their place there until today, and a satisfactory feeling of discovery came over me. I stood there wondering what else the routine of day-to-day life hides under my nose. Do supermarkets arrange their aisles so that there is always something you need from each one? When you don’t need sanitary pads, you might reach for baby food, and when you don’t need toilet paper you need… lightbulbs? I snap out of my mental segue and return to my scientific search for the truth.

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The baby food pottles and cans look incredibly cute on the shelves and I feel like a giant as I take one in my hand. There are a variety of flavours both savoury and sweet, and there are even some that come in handy squeezy pouches. It is a pleasant browsing experience. I select a few sweet ones and only two savoury ones, which look a lot more frightening. As I pay for my items, I wonder if the cashier will be amused at me buying baby food or if they think I have a baby and if I should come up with a name for my pretend baby. I am disappointed, but not surprised, when they serve me the way the normally do: silently, with glazed eyes and no discernible expression.

On the way home, I try the first of the baby food. It’s one of the handy squeezy pack ones, and I feel good that the convenience of baby food is already proving itself. Coconut and chocolate custard—my first impression is that it actually tastes pretty good, and immediately after that I screw up my face as the texture is fully processed. It is cold and lumpy with little bits, which I assume is dried coconut, foreign and unpleasant to have in your mouth. I try my best to ignore the texture and focus on the taste, and as I make my way home snacking from the plastic vessel, I feel slightly futuristic. I manage to finish the pouch by the time I get home and I can certainly feel it in my stomach as a strange clump of cold mush.

I am still hungry and I open a can of vanilla custard, which sounds pretty appetising. I look inside at the grey-yellow, slightly watery mush, resemblant of David Lynch-ian Garmonbozia and then change my mind. I stir it hopefully, and taste a spoonful. It’s terrible.

It doesn’t register at first, and then the “vanilla” of the custard sets in, with “vanilla” tasting a whole lot more like metal. There is no sweetness to make up for the metallic aftertaste and once again, the regurgitated texture challenges my gag reflexes. I try and eat more of it, hoping that I will become accustomed to the lumpy bland metal, but can only stomach down half of it. My stomach is disturbed and while not full, my appetite goes into hiding. Lacking in energy, I go to bed extra early and sleep through to the next day.

DAY 1 MENU Wattie’s chocolate coconut custard (120g) Cost: $1.69 Rating: 3/5 Wattie’s vanilla custard (120g) Cost: $1.09 Rating: 1/5 Total cost: $2.78

DAY 2: I wake up painstakingly early at 11am to meet a friend for a coffee.

I feel quite lightheaded and I am very hungry. I have apple and mango puree for breakfast and I’m pleasantly surprised; it’s like an extra-thick fruit smoothie, the best of the baby food so far.

Feeling hopeful, I also have an apple and porridge blend, which is worse than the apple and mango but better than the chocolate coconut custard. At the café my friend tells me how her plan to be engaged by 25, married at 26 and popping babies out by 28 has been hampered by her dumping her boyfriend. I feel like I’m on a www.salient.org.nz

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television sitcom where a character has turned 30 and is having a breakdown, and then I myself have what appears to be an intestinal breakdown. The coffee does not agree with the baby food, as if the two foods can tell they are meant for stomachs of different ages. I quickly go home, have an unpleasant time on the toilet, lie in bed in the foetal position, and binge watch old episodes of Survivor until I pass out.

DAY 2 MENU Wattie’s apple and mango (150g) Cost: $1.09 Rating: 4/5 Wattie’s apple and banana porridge (170g) Cost: $1.49 Rating: 3/5 Total cost: $2.58

DAY 3: I have yet to brave the savoury baby foods and I am worried about my stomach. So far after each pureed meal I have felt unsure if I was full or just queasy. Now only the two savoury choices were left—a canned pumpkin, potato and beef, and a squeezy pouch of sweet baby vegetables. I decide to start with the protein first. It is a lumpy orange and tastes overwhelmingly like bad pumpkin. I think I am thankful that I cannot taste any beef, though perhaps it’s the “beef ” that provides the bitter aftertaste. Like the metallic custard, the overall background flavour is bland, so the bitterness goes unheeded.

At best it could be described as really bad canned pumpkin soup. I unhappily eat half of it out of hunger.

I then twist the top off the sweet baby vegetables. It is a more yellowy orange and I feel more hopeful about this one due to its lack of meat. I am proven horribly wrong. There is nothing sweet about the baby vegetables and it is the first of the baby food that I have to spit out. Whatever vegetables were put into this baby food must have been farmed in the depths of Hell, left to rot, regurgitated

by Satan himself and then sold to Heinz. I gulp down water to rid the putrid, bitter, grainy mess before heading gloomily to the supermarket to restock.

This time I head to the larger Chaffers New World, where the baby food selection stretches out before me like a culinary horizon of opportunity. There are a whole lot more flavours here and the cute packaging fools me before I remember how dismal my week has been so far. I see other people with baskets of solid, tasty foods and I glare at them, hoping they feel grateful that others are sacrificing the pleasures of food for scientific knowledge.

As I continue to browse, a man about 40 years of age, wearing glasses and fleece, joins me in front of the baby food, eventually selecting a four pack can of pureed apples. I am confused and wonder why this mild-looking man is also eating baby food. Is it the new yuppie trend? Is the state of his stool also suffering? I wonder if it is inappropriate to ask him and then I remember that babies are not an abstract concept and that some people actually do have babies that eat baby food.

issue 9

Features

23

DAY 3 MENU

DAY 4 MENU

Wattie’s pumpkin, potato and beef (120g) Cost: $1.09 Rating: 1/5

2x Natureland spaghetti bolognese mash (120g) Cost: $1.69 each Rating: 4/5 (later 0/5)

Heinz sweet baby vegetables (120g) Cost: $1.69 Rating: 0/5 Wattie’s banana custard (120g) Cost: $1.09 Rating: 1/5 Total cost: $3.87

DAY 4: I drink a lot of milk before I eat anything in an attempt to feel more full. It dawns on me that babies are the perfect demographic to feed terrible tasting food to: they can’t talk or write or know about consumer rights. Should I become the voice for babies everywhere and do something about the foul slop they are being fed?

I ponder this as I pick out my meal. I select a squeezy pouch labeled “Spag Bol Mash”. I feel like an astronaut holding it in my hand but fear tasting it; the smell is reminiscent of the dreadful vegetables from yesterday. I bravely taste and wait for some awful flavour—it doesn’t come! I slurp a bit more of the “fork-mashed by hand” spaghetti bolognese and actually enjoy it. It tastes just like the solid form, even with little bits of pasta, and the wonder of drinking spaghetti from a squeezy pouch distracts me from the texture. I ravenously finish the pouch’s contents. To follow, I gulp down a banana and berry puree, which is also really, really good. I wonder if I have just been lucky with my selections or if my palate has shifted and I am slowly transforming into a baby.

Later that day I hang out with an old boyfriend. I bought and finished another pouch of spag bol mash on the way to his flat and I am the fullest I have been all week. We are watching The X-Files and I am unsure if either us are trying and failing to make a move.

It doesn’t matter because very quickly a terrible wave of discomfort that can only signal diarrhoea begins to pass over me. Oh no. Agent Mulder is trying to calm down a hostage taker but I feel like he is trying to calm my bowels. The hostage taker acts as a medium for my bowels and as they start yelling my bowels, too, become enraged.

I know I am getting picked up soon and going to his bathroom is out of the question—there would be no hiding what wants to come out of me. My ex says something about the show but I have no idea what he is saying, I hope my facial expression isn’t too contorted—I feel like my eye is twitching. I am getting sweaty from discomfort and I hate everything. The however many minutes before I get picked up feel like painful, painful years. Finally I am driven home where I run to the toilet, where more running occurs. Spag bol mash—never again.

Only Organic banana and berry (170g) Cost: $1.99 Rating: 5/5 Total cost: $5.37 DAY 5: I do not sleep well, my stomach is still unhappy with me and I try to apologise by drinking some green tea. I wonder how much longer I can do this. I look at the remaining jars I have and feel sad. I miss adult food and solid stools. Sometimes a week is defined as five days, like the working week. And casual Friday, like a holiday? It is good enough for me, and I end the experiment with a nice solid bowl of cereal.

THE BABY FOOD AWARDS: So after several days of being hungry, sleepy and getting the runs, the grand results:

BEST SWEET BABY FOOD: Only Organic Banana and Berry—so good! I would happily eat this as a snack even when not following a terrible diet under the guise of investigative journalism.

BEST SAVOURY BABY FOOD: Nope.

BEST VALUE FOR MONEY: Wattie’s Apple and Banana Porridge—maybe it was just placebo, but the suggested presence of carbohydrate (which is missing from a lot of baby food flavours) did seem more filling.

MOST DECEPTIVE: Any flavoured custard—don’t trust the custard.

MOST TRAUMATIC: Natureland’s Spag Bol Mash—impress your ex by eating this and getting diarrhoea at their flat and then going home and Googling if baby food is a laxative!

BEST BABY FOOD MEAL FOR A FIRST DATE: see: Spag Bol Mash.

editor@salient.org.nz

Yvette Velvin https://instagram.com/yvettevelvin/

26

salient

Superfoods – WTF are they and should you even bother?

Brigid Quirke “Superfood” is a term regularly bandied about by health nuts and yoga mums, and seems to cover everything from blueberries to kimchi. We’ve all heard of kale and quinoa by now, but every other week a new, hard-topronounce product is being touted as the latest superfood of 2015. So, are superfoods just a fad? Are they worth it? Here’s a handy guide of what shit is and whether you should bother making that trip to Commonsense Organics.

Kimchi Kale Sounds like a Kardashian mash-up but I promise it’s not. Put simply, kimchi—a traditional Korean dish—is made up of fermented cabbage and spices. Fermented foods have been dubbed the new “it” thing

by Vogue for 2015, and kimchi is meant to be hella good for your tummy, with selenium for clear skin, a bunch of “good” bacterias (think the stuff in yoghurt) and antioxidants.

The added bonus of the fermentation process is the antioxidant content, which increases with the time spent fermenting.

Kimchi does have a bunch of health benefits, but so too does regular cabbage.

The fermentation process actually leads to the sodium content skyrocketing, and that’s a reason to avoid the stuff. I’d be hesitant to turn my back on the not-so-super garden variety in favour of the fermented kind.

Verdict Kimchi might sound hella exotic, but if fermented cabbage isn’t your thing, don’t beat yourself up about it. Garden-variety broccoli and cabbage provide most of the same benefits. www.salient.org.nz

Ah, kale. The one that started it all. Kale is a member of the Brassica family, the overachieving cousin of broccoli and brussel sprouts, despite its spinach-y appearance.

And over-achieving it is. One cup of kale contains over 100 per cent of the recommended daily intake of vitamins C, A and K, and has pretty high levels of lutein and zeaxanthin—the vitamins that help you see in the dark. Suck on that, carrots. It also provides iron and potassium.

So what, should we all give in and start eating kale with every meal? Well, it’s not bad for you. A cup of kale will more than fulfil your daily needs in vitamins A and K, but brussel sprouts and broccoli—while maybe not providing 300 per cent of your daily intake of vitamin K p/100g—will still give you about 90 per cent of the recommended intake.

Verdict So, kale lives up to its nutrient-rich hype, but that’s not to say you should ditch other leafy greens altogether. Kale does lack the fibre and folate of other brassica veges, so it’s cool if you want to keep the trendy guy in your cart, but don’t ditch that $1 broccoli from the Sunday market either.

Amaranth Just as you were coming around to the idea of quinoa, there’s a new kid in town— amaranth. These little grain-like balls of goodness are actually wee buds from the flowers of the Amaranth plant. Like quinoa, amaranth is not actually a grain, so is glutenfree. It also has a bunch of protein and fibre, and claims to have a high iron, calcium and vitamin C content.

So is amaranth sushi going to be the next big thing? It certainly has its health benefits.

However, wholegrain oats have more protein and fibre per 100g, and although amaranth trumps oats in the calcium and vitamin C areas, its levels are far less than those found in leafy green vegetables.

Verdict With an increasing awareness about glutenfree diets, it’s always nice to see coeliacfriendly options on the shelves—but amaranth is no healthier than your regular brown rice or grain.

issue 9

Hemp seeds

27

Stevia

Stevia is a natural sugar substitute that comes from the S. rebaudiana plant native to South America, with no absorbable sugar content but a sweet factor more than double that of regular sugar.

Dragonfruit

It comes from a plant, so it must be good for you, right? Stevia has been cropping up as a sweetener in coffee shops all over the place, and Coca-Cola has introduced the new “Coke Life”, which boasts less sugar, thanks to stevia. And we all know how bad sugar is for us.

Dragonfruit, also known as pitaya, is actually the fruit of a cactus plant and is grown primarily in Southeast Asia and the States.

The ones you might have seen in acai bowls on Instagram are the pink-skinned, Asian variety, which has leathery, spiked skin and white flesh dotted with black seeds. The seeds are rich in monounsaturated fats and omega-3 fatty acids: read, good for your heart!

They are also rich in a bunch of vitamins like carotene, vitamin C and vitamin B, and are high in antioxidants and fibre, which can’t be bad for you either. What a show off.

The problem with things that seem to be too good to be true is that they usually are. Because of its sweet taste, when you consume stevia the body thinks it’s getting sugar—cue a drop in blood sugars as glucose (sugar!) is cleared from your bloodstream to make way for this (non-existent) other glucose. So what? When this happens, adrenaline quickly tries to mobilise sugars from elsewhere—such as your liver or body tissue. You know adrenaline—that “fight or flight” response hormone? Yeah, it’s not really designed to deal with your daily milkand-two sweeteners habit. The excess stress hormone can lower the immune system and thyroid function, which is no fun for anyone.

Verdict Not only does stevia lack the impressive benefits that “superfoods” are usually touted for, it may actually be bad for you. It’s a bit of a Catch-22—sugar isn’t that good for you either—so maybe instead of simply replacing sugar with substitutes, try cutting down on the sweet stuff altogether.

Admittedly, dragonfruit looks pretty impressive. But its vitamin C content pales in comparison to that of the humble orange, and those heart-happy fatty acids, antioxidants and fibre are found just as easily in kiwifruit.

Verdict They look cool, but they are nothing special.

Pretty much all fruit is good for you, but dragonfruit has no more health benefits than what you can pick off your grandma’s fruit tree. Or cactus plant.

Hemp seeds come from—you guessed it— the cannabis plant. But before you go and stock up on hemp seeds at your local health store for that reason, hemp and marijuana are actually pretty different, mainly because hemp lacks the THC which makes marijuana a psychoactive drug. That aside, hemp seeds are meant to be hella good for you, with loads of protein, more fatty acids than any vegetable, and amino acids: i.e., all the good stuff. Hemp seeds provide the most complete protein you can get from a plant, so the protein can be taken in and digested fully—woo for non-meat eaters!—and are rich in vitamin E.

Verdict Hemp seeds are actually pretty super. While white meats such as chicken and fish also provide a heap of protein and fatty acids, hemp seeds are miles ahead of any of their plant-based buddies in these categories, and have a bunch of vitamins as well. Stoked.

TL;DR

So, are superfoods worth the hype? In short, no. Although many of these foods have a bunch of health benefits, so too do the plainjane varieties of plant-based produce that doesn’t make the cut as “super”. Spinach, apples and strawberries are pretty damn good for you too, and don’t necessarily come with the price tag—for the most part, the idea of superfoods is perpetuated by marketing efforts to get you to buy more expensive products. At the end of the day, sprinkling amaranth over your Quarter Pounder isn’t gonna make it healthier, and taking shots of kale juice won’t make you live forever. Eat your vegetables, don’t add sweeteners, and try selling hemp seeds to your younger brother’s friends. They will thank you later—think of the protein! editor@salient.org.nz

issue 9

Opinion

29

In which Charlotte hates on fussy eaters.

It’s the first lengthy discussion of our regimented eating habits for the year. We are all flatting for the first time and happily naïve about the logistics of being budget consumers. All going well, timetable all sorted, until one flat-member declares they don’t eat onions, butter, white bread and canned tomatoes. Because this request cut out spaghetti bolognaise, it was of course dutifully ignored for the duration of the lease. We ate a lot of onion and excitedly rushed to Countdown whenever Watties canned tomatoes were only $1 each.

Living with, going out with or being friends with picky eaters can be as frustrating as when you run out of margarine and have to use fridge-hard butter and it rips apart your toast. Everyone has their preferences. Or genetic make-ups whereby consuming gluten or peanuts is dangerous. But declarations such as “oh no I cannot eat that sandwich as I am a vegetarian and it was sitting next to the ones with ham” or “oh no I only eat rocket in my salads, never iceberg” or “oh no I do not eat ice cream, only sorbet” are ridiculous.

It’s also rude. If you’re a guest and are offered a pasta dish someone lovingly devoted half an hour to creating yet you reject it because it’s topped with tasty not edam chances are you won’t be invited back. So being an adventurous eater is a badge of pride.

My choices off a menu are either (a) whatever has the weirdest name (b) something I have never eaten before like kangaroo meat, or (c) the oysters after someone else at the table had loudly proclaimed they aren’t friends with fish. The kids menu was never very interesting, chicken nuggets taste the same everywhere. The despair at my peers wanting Big Macs on the last day of a school trip to South America haunts me to this day.

But then… I always pick the kiwifruit off the fruit-kebabs. Nuts are gross. Milk chocolate is sickening. Butter chicken and teriyaki chicken and pad thai are so obvious. Fries are better at McDonalds than at Burger King. And I hate, hate, hate, will-never-eat kind of hate, feijoas. The smell of them makes me so repulsed the flesh has never even reached my mouth. Feijoa lollies are foul. So is feijoa juice. I can’t eat anything with feijoa in it because it will be all I can taste. But, I refuse to admit that’s because I am picky.

Sometimes you are at full liberty to blame fussy eating on your genetics. Like finding coriander tastes like soap. A haiku uploaded to IHateCilantro.com spouts “O soapy flavour / why pollutest thou my food? / Thou me makest retch”. You’ve got to feel sorry for these people. Coriander is so fresh. So good with lemongrass and curry. Scientists have discovered a genetic link between people of European ancestry with a tendency to associate smells with taste and this averse reaction. Can’t be helped.

Eating is also cultural. In communities with traditional eating habits or limited access to resources, fussy eating is not tolerated.

In France, for example, the kids generally have tended to eat whatever the adults do and families eat together. If you don’t eat whatever is in front of you then you go hungry. But how do you avoid being fussy when you live in a culture which prides itself on offering individual choice? Why buy Dairy Dale when you can have sunproofed bottles with the Anchor label (until you realise it all comes from the same cows). When you have access to McDonalds fries every couple of hundred metres why would you buy something else? Tasteful and fresh. Convenience and choice is sabotaging our willingness to be flexible. I don’t have to buy feijoas so I’ll buy out of season nectarines imported from the United States instead.

Our palates should not, however, be underestimated. There’s the age-old understanding that young children don’t eat broccoli.

There are entire books, based on supposedly revolutionary scientific evidence, devoted to persuading your child to eat broccoli. We were told as kids to pretend to be dinosaurs. An effective technique, albeit messy. Peas were my nemesis. I learnt that squashing them enthusiastically into the mat under my plate meant I couldn’t eat them. But now I don’t understand my younger self because peas are great. Frozen ones are cheap and add a smashing element of colour to any meal. Our tastes develop and mature over time. Like a blue cheese.

So maybe, there will be a transformative experience someday that enables me to enjoy feijoas like the rest of the country seems to.

Until then, don’t offer one to me because I won’t eat it. But I will eat anything else.

Charlotte Doyle editor@salient.org.nz

30

salient

Loosely Inspired (by The Bachelor)

Art Imitates Life George Block and Joe Cruden

For such a conservative show, The Bachelor had us looking toward the future more than we might have imagined this week, and boy was it bleak. The future isn’t something that figures too prominently in our Riddiford Street shit-den, but there we were—two pallid idiots contemplating what lies ahead.

abs have given way to what might kindly be described as a solid gut. Someone’s bought him some denim shorts and an ill-fitting Volcom t-shirt. He’s probably sat in his regular spot at some despicable Waitakere sports bar. The Blues might be playing some Paraguayan expansion team in the Super 23.

Listen, readers: we know what you’re thinking (we always do). Our futures are none too bright either. The world isn’t exactly George’s oyster; he’s staring down the barrel of diabetes and 50 hours a week in “sales”. Joe’s hoping to live off those little psychology tests you see pinned to the Old Kirk notice boards and is determined to make a career in MW3.

But look, at least we’re resigned to our lot.

You’ll be pleased to know it’s not our dim future we’ll be dwelling on this week— we’re having a good look at what’s in store for Art.

In a departure from his regular (two jugs of Tui, one glass), he’s bought a little coffee cocktail in order to relive his days on The Bachelor. It’s been 20 years, after all. Lord knows Matilda/Alysha/Dani has left him by now for a high-flying career and a man who can spell his own name. The women are destined for better things.

By this stage we know our hero pretty well. Art’s a hunk with a capital H and he dresses like a hungover Max Key, but that’s about it. Art imitates life: he almost appears sentient. He has an IQ in the low 80s and he’s almost as inarticulate as Joe after one of his “weekends”.

If you asked Art about his future, it’d be an incoherent mishmosh of property development, fad diets and endless barbecues. But as we’ve established, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Picture Art twenty years down the line: his good looks have faded and his chiselled www.salient.org.nz

And what of Puru? Presumably JayJay and Dom are still spewing bile into people’s homes (they probably float now—the homes, that is), but now Mike’s found his niche on the art-house circuit.

He’s directing horrifying short films which make even Jodorowsky look welladjusted. Puru lives alone on his hoverboat. He eats out most nights.

Back to the flat. All this thinking had got us sleepy: George’s posture has never been great but this time he had slipped into our ratty little couch (The Rat looked rather put out). Joe was rubbing his eyes with his feral dressing gown, inadvertently flashing George. We’re long past caring.

This wasn’t easy for us. We’ve always lacked imagination: all through kindergarten George handed in the same picture at art time. Joe was a perennial

loser in the Opihi College creative writing competition. But we weren’t done. Joe discovered a Smirnoff Ice in the veggie draw and we were off.

How are our cast-in-the-future feeling, looking back at their time on The Bachelor?

Well, dear readers: most of them aren’t proud, and they have no right to be.

Matilda/Alysha/Dani doesn’t think about that period of her life any more, and time is no longer linear for Puru; the past has no meaning.

But then there’s Art, alone with his wedges as the Paraguayans run in another maxi-try (a 10 pointer, between the posts).

He looks at the bartender-tron, the droid blinks vacantly back. Art stares into his cocktail. He never even liked these fucking coffee things. “Will you accept this rose, Art?” he whispers. But he knows what he knows. He sways up to the hoverbar: “Two jugs of Tui, droid.”

We were done. Too much imagination for one night. George was dozing peacefully on the floor and Joe was curled up in his basket (don’t ask). All was quiet. The Rat nibbled serenely at the Mi Goreng beneath the couch.

It’s not looking great for us, but it could be worse.

issue 9

31

Now that we are an established weekly addition to Salient, we feel we have earned the right to do what we have longed for since the beginning—rip on Psychology for all its worth.

Here we go. Like us, you probably thought taking PSYC121 would set you on a journey toward understanding people better and eventually having the superpowers outlined in Lie To Me. Either that, or the three-to-one girl-to-guy ratio looked inviting. How wrong we all were.

If you are doing well at Psyc, congratulations but you’re still going to fail if you don’t participate in 5.5 hours of compulsory probing justified under the banner of “research”. In the real world, people give their personal opinions about ideas and it’s called a focus group. In psychology it’s classified as a study, it’s usually painful but it’s compulsory if you’re paying them $800 for the paper. Oh and don’t bother asking what the study is about; chances are it’s completely ridiculous and a waste of taxpayer money. But there is a positive for one of the studies—Luke saw half a boob for 0.5 seconds, enough to get a semi.

Lab reports are the most inhumane thing since the Little Albert Study (poor little shit), mainly because two-thirds of it is talking about the true essence of statistics and who the fuck cares about statistics? But thank goodness for RPEs—I love answering unambiguous questions on a text I didn’t have to memorise.

However, not all was bad. Both of us learnt about the biggest psychological breakthrough since Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (you don’t need to be a Psyc student to know this; they teach it in every single course). We remember it as “The Flower Study”, in which the researchers concluded with a p-value, less

An Ode to PSYC121

We Drank This So You Didn’t Have To Lydia and Mitch

Cleanskin Sauvignon Blanc Cost: $8 Alcohol volume: 13% (7.7 standard drinks) Pairing: Roti Chenai, a Grindr obsession, regret.

Verdict: “It wasn’t the worst thing I have ever had in my mouth.”

While Lydia suns it up on Waiheke Island (it’s raining so we get the last laugh), I, with the help of a few friends after a messy Cinta BYO, reviewed the wine-equivalent of the meat scraps they use to make that really cheap mince: a bottle of Cleanskin.

As a staunch nationalist*, I’m a big fan of national celebrations. For example, that time when a wasted Robert Muldoon called a snap election, or when Rosita Vai won New Zealand Idol (I get drunk and DM Rosita on Twitter sometimes, sorry). These are occasions that deserve to celebrated. Another reason to celebrate is New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc Day. Despite Lydia and I celebrating Sauvignon Blanc daily, last Friday was something special.

I could raise a glass with my fellow country people in celebration of fine New Zealand white wine. Or in this case, a bottle of $8 2013 Cleanskin sauv from New World.

After thawing the wine that I left in the freezer for too long and with Panic at the Disco (how great are they? #throwback) blaring in the background, we got down to business. In reaction to the wine’s unique

than 5 per cent, that babies are more scared of snakes than flowers (Who Cares et al, 2015).

This result helped me come to the conclusion that if I wanted a degree in common sense I should just stick with Commerce.

Neither of us continued our careers in psychology. Luke decided to pursue a more practical discipline from the array of “ArtsDinner-Party-Subjects”—Philosophy. And as for Tom, the compulsory 200-level research methods paper wasn’t enough to convince him to stick it out.

Tip of the Week: For RPEs, only read one of the articles—the time you save can be spent looking at papers to do next year after you’ve dropped Psychology. Also Psyc is about statistics so hopefully the odds are in your favour (The Hunger Games, 2008).

Tom and Luke

aroma, there was universal consensus amongst the guests. Cleanskin was: “better than turps” and “I feel fucking wasted”.

The biggest shock of the night came when the wine didn’t get worse when consumed. Despite one guest stating that Cleanskin tasted like what you would imagine Apple and Citrus Spray and Wipe tastes like, the pink-ish sauvignon blanc was exactly what I look for in a BYO wine: inoffensive and better than Fat Bird.

The 2013 Cleanskin Sauvignon Blanc vintage paired nicely with Cinta’s classic Roti Chenai and was a fruitful talking point over dinner. I cannot, in good conscience, recommend this wine as an icebreaker gift for your boyfriend’s extended family or a way to impress a date organised on an iPhone app (unless it’s with me) but if you’re scoffing back a $12 plate of Chaer Kuey Teow (or “CKT” if you’re struggling. No one wants to experience that awkward “you-not-being-able-to-pronouncethe-words” moment), Cleanskin is perfect.

With this column having reached the very bottom wine shelf in New World, I’m not sure where we go from here but I am excited/scared to share that experience with you. _____________ *This is a joke. editor@salient.org.nz

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issue 9

33

The Week in Feminism Brittany Mackie

A

n unsettling shroud of silence hangs over the Latino community in America.

Last week a study found that over 50 per cent of Latino immigrants living in America know a domestic violence victim and at least one in four know a victim of sexual assault. What the interviewees all had in common was a belief that to ask for help or assistance regarding domestic situations would be risking deportation from America. There is an underlying fear that the police will arrest them or take away their children until they can prove that they are documented to live in America. Senior director of the Latin@ Network for Healthy Families and Communities, Juan Arean, says this fear of deportation comes from anecdotal evidence. At times when these domestic violence or disturbance cases are investigated, it results in both parties being arrested. Although only the offender may be charged, even having an arrest on your record as an immigrant can cause suspicion, investigation and unfair treatment.

In some cases the husband has actually manipulated his wife’s fear of being deported as a way to prevent her from going to the police. Julieta Garibay says that her now ex-husband warned her he would keep their children in the U.S if she got deported as a result of approaching the police about his violent abuse.

Garibay’s husband was a U.S citizen who then held her citizenship as a bargaining chip over her when they fought. Since they broke up Garibay has adjusted her citizenship to no longer be reliant on her marriage to a U.S citizen. This is possible under the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), which gives female immigrant victims the opportunity to gain permanent residence without the cooperation of an abusive spouse. This is one of the very limited acts in place to aid female immigrants who feel at risk of domestic abuse.

H

ouse of Cards actress Robin Wright has come forward as a spokesperson at the annual Women in the World summit to talk about her most recent trip to the Congo—also known as the “Rape Capital of the World”.

Wright is a part of the Raise Hope for Congo organisation, which aims to educate people on the direct link between the role of large companies using illicit trade for cheap resources and sexual violence used as a weapon of war against Congolese women and children. Global manufacturers have realised it is significantly cheaper to source minerals and gold from mines in the Congo. Militia in the Congo have seen a chance to gain profit and taken over the land and territories surrounding the mines. This means that the companies importing cheap minerals are actually funding these militias.

Rape is the militias’ most effective tool to take power from the mining communities without killing them. When the people live in fear it ensures that they will work hard for the militia and are unlikely to revolt.

Wright called on the electronic and gold exporting mega-industries to “clean up their supply chains” and make the first attempts to take responsibility for the poverty that their illicit trading has caused. “It was shocking to see the plight that these women and girls go through on a daily basis.”

Right now the Raise Hope organisation is focussing on raising awareness and making the struggles of Congolese communities’ salient in the media.

They have funded extensive studies into the participation of large gold trading companies in illegal trading.

editor@salient.org.nz

34

Visual Arts

salient

A livetweet review of Te Papa’s eight new art collections Sharon Lam

3:34pm This building is so ugly 3:35pm Why are there so many people here 3:36pm Gettin into the lift it’s packed I feel like a sardine (in a can of sardines).

3:36pm Everyone’s out of the lift!!

Private lift!! First class baby!!!

3:37pm Colleague says: I’ve already seen this...I think to myself: what a pretentious wanker.

3:38pm Omg I am a wanker too the first art piece I see is flowers and I am pretty sure I have a poster of it in my room.

3:39pm Wtf these flowers are entitled “consolation of philosophy” and drawn from old dead guy roman politician Boethius who died??????

3:40pm Next art piece: me and colleague go “Mmm yum” 3:40pm Oops photo is not of food, but hats 3:40pm Forever mistaking hats for food 3:41pm Btw we turned left into the gallery first 3:41pm Hard to walk and tweet at same time 3:42pm Approaching table with lots of children… performance art piece???

3:42pm Colleague is v moved by the children 3:42pm Now at magnetic poetry wall 3:42pm We scare away a child 3:43pm Here are some lines of poetry from the wall: 3:43pm “Friend, your electric cloud is fizzing” 3:43pm “See this moon their yellow teeth”

www.salient.org.nz

3:44pm “There are fizzing hot butter” 3:44pm “But that man could curl you spiral” 3:45pm “Good bad now” 3:45pm “Fragile dirt favourited your tweet” Live tweet art review is getting attention!! @tepapa 3:46pm Now entering room of quilts 3:47pm Actually lovin these quilts I want them all 3:48pm Colleague and I remaining frighteningly silent… The quilts are acting upon us.

3:51pm We partake in tepapas social media and wait for our photo to show on the tv 3:51pm Doesn’t show, we must not have the tepapa look 3:52pm Sink: spotted (by us and also by an artist...it has paint on it) 3:53pm Looking at the sink and its paint splatters ... we are both thinking “explosive diarrhoea” 3:53pm Next to huge red and yellow semi circle ... Nice.

3:54pm Art piece says “enough is enough” ... Deep.

3:54pm This piece looks like three bloody dicks ???

3:55pm Lots of statues with :O faces look pretty terrifying 3:56pm Te papa art guards making me feel nervous (I’m not taking photos I swear!!!)

3:57pm Screaming baby in background really adding to the art 3:58pm Colleague and I both love a watercolour called “tongue cloud over London” what a classic 3:59pm In front of some unoriginal mondrians...unoriginal originals... how original

4:00pm Now looking at an oil painting called “goblin market” 4:00pm Colleague asks “are you in this sharon” 4:00pm ha ha very funny 4:00pm #goblins 4:01pm Colleague finds mouse in painting v cute, I find it terrifying 4:01pm A lot of this art is terrifying 4:02pm Now looking at a bronze sculpture of nymph and satyr getting it on...we just nod 4:02pm Wish more men looked like goats 4:03pm Looking at a painting called “brass bedstead”...two people looking very sick 4:04pm Next painting is really spooky lots of people looking at one woman real suspiciously and sitting at table with unfinished watermelons 4:05pm Colleague likes a statue’s haircut, contemplates taking photo of it to take to hairdresser 4:07pm Hungry time to go home See how this micro-blogged review compares to your own experience: see the current Nga Toi /Arts exhibition at Te Papa, Level 5 from now until October 2015

Food

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Recipe: Vanilla and Coconut Protein Slice Hannah Douglass I compete in the NZIFBB bodybuilding competitions and as of a week ago I’m back into prep-mode for the Wellington Champs in September, which means I’m back into dietmode. Yaaaaaaaaaay. Who can’t get excited about eating chicken and broccoli multiple times a day and giving up most ways of adding flavour to food for nearly half a year?

The highlight of my week now is my one and only cheat meal, where I get to eat something of my choosing and not feel awful about it. I try to keep the cheat meal as clean as possible without straying into just-plain-miserable territory, because I don’t want to spend the next six days working those calories off again. As delicious as that would be, it sort of makes the whole process redundant and unnecessarily painful. So I often make desserts like this one, that are amazingly tasty but not actually that terrible for me.

Even if you’re not competing, this is a good recipe for a sweet treat that doesn’t add too much to the hibernation mode we tend to go into during winter.

This recipe makes quite a lot, so halve it if you don’t want protein slice coming out your ears. Otherwise you can always just stick what you don’t eat immediately back into the freezer and leave it there (covered of course—no one likes freezer-burn).

INGREDIENTS 1 cup raw cashews 1 cup raw almonds 1 cup desiccated coconut 2 heaped teaspoons natural almond butter 3 scoops protein powder (I used Gold Standard Cake Batter flavour, but you can use most flavours—just maybe give lime milkshake flavour a miss on this one) 2 droppers full of Vanilla Flavoured Liquid Stevia (can replace with vanilla essence and a handful of dates if you’d rather) 150 ml water DIRECTIONS 1. Blitz cashews and almonds in food processor until finely ground. If you’re using dates blend them up here too.

2. Add all other ingredients except water and process till combined well.

3. Add water half at a time, turning on the processor in between—you should have a sticky but thick protein gooey mess if you do it right.

4. Squash it out into a slice tin and freeze for at least an hour.

5. Yum.

editor@salient.org.nz

Film

36

salient

X+Y

Directed by Morgan Matthews

Sarah Dillon I hate math. One of the best things about this film is that it’s not really about math.

X + Y tells the story of Nathan (Asa Butterfield), a young boy with autism and synaesthesia who loses his father in a traumatic car crash, and, as the title suggests, is extraordinarily gifted at mathematics. The film loosely follows his journey to compete in the International Mathematics Olympiad (yes, that exists) but is more interested in how Nathan’s autism affects his relationships and perception of the world. As Nathan puts it: “I have lots of things to say, I’m just afraid to say them”, and X + Y aims to give him a voice.

It’s the latest in a small spate of film releases interested in exploring illness or difference through textuality, because of film’s inherent ability to help audiences experience the unfamiliar.

X + Y is interesting in this regard. It has none of the bluntness of Still Alice, none of the triteness of The Imitation Game, and ends up somewhere in the “sensitive portrayal” category. The key problem is that the filmmakers didn’t keep it simple—here are some of the messages they tried to use the film as a vehicle for: • • • •

Autism is hard for families to deal with.

You’re a dick if you bully people with autism (yes).

Inter-racial relationships are great.

Actually, relationships in general are great. Especially for young teenagers who will probably share a bed in a completely innocent way.

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• • • •

A strangely targeted dig at BritishChinese relations.

Car crashes! Highly traumatic!

Self-harm happens (this is never really addressed).

“Gifted people” should use their gifts, not play video games all day.

Apologies, I’m becoming a little sardonic.

But you see how this can become a problem.

It means that instead of letting Nathan’s honest perspective shine, X + Y ends up in a bit of a mess trying to close up all the thematic threads. Along with this, director Morgan Matthews tries to slot in a bunch of traumatic memory sequences—it’s too much.

If we leave all these divergent directions aside and focus on the main narrative, X + Y is a lovely, honest little film. It centres on character development, rather than relying on the “competition” as a narrative driver.

The cast perform well, and we can develop significant empathy for the characters and their various struggles.

I’d prefer the characters to progress individually, rather than so much in terms of relationships: for example, Nathan’s mother and father are directly oppositional as “terrible” and “perfect” parental figures, but at least they’re genuinely likeable. Nathan’s teacher (Rafe Spall) is a particular highlight, with his arsenal of dad jokes. In fact, if the characters were given a little more room to shine individually, it would really make the film. As it stands, X + Y is obsessed with heterosexual pairings, almost in a

mathematical way. Just because the teacher and mother are both damaged, it doesn’t follow that they need each other. And who wants to see a clumsy love story between two twelve-year-olds that’s not Moonrise Kingdom? Matthews allows the freshness of the film to dissipate by resorting to these pairings, and the explanation that Nathan’s mother (Sally Hawkins) gives about love, “when somebody loves you, it adds value to you”, was rather cringeworthy: actual selfesteem, anyone?

I’ve probably been far too negative so far: on the plus side for the film, there’s the joy of “muggles” being used as a descriptor with no further explanation. There’s the heartfelt simplicity of a Keaton Henson soundtrack. And there’s also style. Awkward flashbacks aside, the film has a really tidy visual aesthetic which may stem from Matthews’ documentary roots. As with many first-time feature directors, he wants to play with how childlike perception can be conveyed. The fun of this approach is at least quadrupled by Nathan’s synaesthesia, which is expressed through sequencing in shots and consistent use of patterning in the mise-enscene. I loved this aspect of the film—it’s not overbearing and doesn’t force us into Nathan’s position, but invites us to engage with a different way of seeing the world that may trigger reminders outside the cinema’s walls. These invitations into Nathan’s world mean that everyday life ends up looking a little banal in comparison: for me, that’s part of the beauty of cinema.

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Film

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Furious 7

Directed by James Wan

James Keane Furious 7 is, as its title suggests, the seventh film in the long-running series about street car racing; the series has now transcended to globetrotting with some street car racing, and the film is well aware of its own existence. It is entertaining on its own merits, and while largely devoid of realistic characterisation and drama, I was not expecting it to have either.

The story is once again centred on the continuing exploits of Vin Diesel and company, who are this time the targets of a vengeful and omnipotent Jason Statham.

Statham, whose ability to rapidly travel between different countries and maintain elusive behaviour throughout the narrative, would make Jason Bourne blush. His purpose throughout most of the set pieces in the film is to arrive unannounced, usually brandishing expensive vehicles or weaponry, and divert attention from whatever the scene was originally about. There is also a subplot about the kidnapping of a hacker and her ties to a surveillance system sought after by a terrorist organisation, who end up joining forces with Statham against the main characters. But the

film can largely be boiled down to the main characters’ attempts to thwart Statham’s visitations while Diesel, Paul Walker and Michelle Rodriguez’s characters deal with their own personal conflicts.

Where the film works is in the execution of its set pieces. One is set in the Caucasus Mountains and is helped by elaborate stunts, steady camerawork and editing that lasts longer than just a few brief flashes, allowing viewers to actually process what is happening and understand where each vehicle is. This is something that can become a problem in many action films of this ilk, but is thankfully avoided here. That is not to say that the car scenes are entirely practical: cars are parachuted into Azerbaijan and jump between high-rise buildings in Abu Dhabi, eliciting both eye-rolling and guilty pleasure.

The fight choreography is also done well, as is to be expected of people like Statham, and gives variation to what otherwise may have become an overabundance of vehicular chases without much difference between one action scene to another.

The film is best viewed as escapism, to a world in which overseas travel is quick and feasible, everyone owns at least more than one car, and people have the freedom to cause infrastructural damage in foreign countries without being extradited by the local authorities. Unfortunately, much of the film’s writing and humour is cringeworthy, usually consisting of characters reacting to events, reacting to Tyrese Gibson, or ribbing on Tyrese Gibson. At 137 minutes, the film also runs a bit long, particularly the final fight scene.

It is impossible not to bring up the circumstances surrounding the passing of cast member Paul Walker, a subject that the film is ultimately treats respectfully. Walker’s character is given proper closure, thankfully not ending with him hanging from the back of a hot rod brandishing two Uzis before driving off a half-finished bridge while chewing three cigars and sipping a Corona at the same time.

editor@salient.org.nz

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Games

salient

Games to watch Jack Young This games column has in past focussed first and foremost on reviews.

The thing is, being a gamer isn’t just about playing games that are out; it’s also about getting unreasonably excited about games to come.

This week I thought we’d spice things up and take a look at two of 2015’s biggest upcoming titles.

If you are a self-described Star Wars fanboy, then Star Wars Battlefront is your wet dream. Star Wars Celebration was held on the 16-19 April. Here everything from Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens to gameplay for Star Wars Battlefront was unveiled. An in-engine trailer of the game gave fans a taste of what taking on the role of a foot soldier from a galaxy far far away might feel like on current generation hardware.

The Witcher 3: The Wild Hunt is out soon, releasing on May 19.

Anyone familiar with the series will know that you play the role of a Witcher, Geralt. Witchers are monster hunting mutated humans who have, from a young age, been accustomed to toxins which grant superhuman powers. Geralt the Riv is a Witcher famed across the land for his many vanquished foes. The Wild Hunt will allow Geralt to explore as the Northern Kingdoms, a fantasy territory reportedly even bigger than Skyrim.

Battlefront is due to be released on 20 November in New Zealand, a month before The Force Awakens. It has been confirmed that on 8 December downloadable content called “The Battle of Jakku” will be released. This DLC will be set on the desert planet seen in the Force Awakens trailer. All this makes Battlefront the perfect complement to Star Wars VII’s release.

The Witcher series enjoys a reputation for complex game mechanics, which can either serve or cripple a player. Preparing for battles beforehand with potions, using a series of magical powers called “signs”, and parrying enemy attacks, are all factors that need to be considered and then mastered if you want to have a hope in hell of surviving in this Scandinavian-esque fantasy world. The Witcher series is more than just common hack and slash fare.

Developer Dice has elected not to include campaign missions. Instead there will be a series of short bit-sized missions. These missions will be playable alone or with local or online co-op and feature iconic moments from the films. There will also be the opportunity to play as iconic characters like Darth Vader and Boba Fett. The trailer actually depicted Darth Vader force choking a clueless rebel, as well as Boba Fett using his jetpack.

Whilst The Witcher series has a deep lore, developer CD Projekt Red wants to make it clear that gamers need not have played the first two games before jumping into Wild Hunt. “The game has a great introduction that will make them feel right at home,” said developer Marcin Iwinski in an interview with IGN. Previous games have also been notoriously difficult, but Iwinski says the focus here is on creating the best experience for the immersion of the player, “We don’t have the ambition to be a Demon’s Souls,” he said.

Dice has also announced that Battlefront will not touch on the events of the prequel trilogy (praise the Emperor). The game will focus on the world of the original trilogy. So we can all rejoice as X-Wings and Tie Fighters fly over an Endor battlefield swarming with ATATs (an ambitious scene brought to life at the unveiling). All dogfights will take place solely in orbit as Dice wishes to focus on the idea of “planetary warfare”. So it doesn’t seem like we’ll get to blow up the Death Star, but here’s hoping we’ll at least get to fly the Millenium Falcon!

Wild Hunt is sizing up to be one of the most gorgeous and expansive videogame experiences of the last decade. Screenshots currently available show jaw droppingly well realised environments. And you won’t be short on things to do in this world as CD Projekt Red has boasted that the game has well over a hundred hours of content. www.salient.org.nz

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Books

Salient’s May reading list Jayne Mulligan

Non-Fiction

Cooking

Heretic Ayaan Hirsi

Thug Kitchen Rodale Books

HarperCollins

From the author of bestselling Infidel and Nomad comes another polemic. Forgoing the autobiographical premise of her first two books, which shared her stories of physical abuse and faith in Islam, Ayaan Hirsi here sheds the private voice, and while critiquing the Islamic religion, promotes and suggests the changes that would stop the volatile politics of the religion. With specific references to the ISIS movement, Hirsi suggests many reformations and simplifies the argument: she is fighting for secular law and legislation to be valued above Shariah, the legislation derived from the Quran. Adamant that Islam is not a peaceful religion, she cites multiple militant passages in the Quran, and she is critical of Western cultural sensitivity surrounding many of the very real injustices. Heretic allows an intelligent and informed consideration of Islam, and is a brave critique of a vilified religion.

Released last year, this cookbook collects the best recipes of everyone’s favourite vegetable-based pseudo-aggressive website and bound as one badass mother of a cookbook.

With their same philosophy at play, promoting the simplicity of vegetables, and the power of cooking them, these recipes are clear and come without any extra fuss.

It’s healthy food without the waspy lady on the front who’s buying expensive rare ingredients and acting like it’s no big deal. The duo behind Thug Kitchen promotes raising your kitchen game, and upgrading to a healthier lifestyle, but with full sass and attitude. Their recipes are straightforward, and have great insights like saving pasta water for your sauce, and understandable explanations as to why. All delivered from a lil nugget of anger.

Biography Fiction The Girl on the Train Paula Hawkins Randomhouse

Filling the void of Gone Girl, this book promises another twisty thriller to grip you to the page, to satiate your appetite for an exhilarating thriller. With three different narrative perspectives being juggled, there is Rachel, whose alcoholism is mounting; Anna, Rachel’s ex Tom’s new wife; and Megan, the inhabitant of the house down the road from Anna and Tom, whom Rachel watches from afar on her daily train commute. With a gripping story of postdivorce jealousy, developing alcoholism, forgotten nights, and a missing person, this book promises to be a book that hooks you. Hawkins masters the unravelling of the narrative, one thread and one twist at a time, letting the tension build. Once you get on this ride, you won’t want to get off.

Girl in a Band Kim Gordon HaperCollins

With her recognisable hair and familiar expression on the front cover, Kim Gordon presents her memoir. Gordon starts her memoir with the end of Sonic Youth. She describes the final time she took the stage with the band, her bandmate and ex-husband on with her, the atmosphere tense, and the audience knowing about their separation.

Her husband had left her for another woman after several years of an affair.

Gordon’s memoir develops a sense that the past of Sonic Youth is inseparable from the heartbreak she has lived through. As she writes, it seems she is organising her thoughts, a way to leave it behind. She goes back to her childhood, her brother’s mental breakdown, and her move to New York, her interaction with the art scene in the early 1980s. Meeting her future husband, and together forming one of the most important bands of the 1990s. They toured with Neil Young and were the band that paved the way for Nirvana and Dinosaur Jr. This promises wonderful insights for Sonic Youth fans, and is reminiscent of Patti Smith’s Just Kids. editor@salient.org.nz

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W

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F

S

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8:00 10:00

MOIST MONDAY MORNINGS with Mitchell

RIGHT with Robbie

EXACTLY WHAT YOU’D EXPECT with Alexa

JIZZ-JAZZ with Josh

TBD with Ashlee

THE HANGOVER SHOW with Jazz and Ollie

TBD with Ekta

10:00 12:00

SHENAN AND SHANTER with Jake

INFIDEL CASTRO with Phillip

MUMS CAR with Hailey and Michael

CRAZY GIRL AND OLD GUY with James

80% with Dayanthia

JUMPSTART with Hanna

WAKE AND BAKE with Pearce Duncan

12:00 2:00

MONDAY MEAL TIME with Jakie

QUEER PUNK with Kate

YOUNGTILED with Selena

GRASSLANDS with Savannah

HELP with Rob

MANDATORY with Amanda

TBD with Jess

2:00 4:00

THE SLAMMIN’ SALMON with Josh and Jack

RUGRATS with Highschoolers

TBD with Kayla

TBD with Damon

NORTHBOUND ON RAMP with Nick and Alex

THOUGHTFOUL HOURS OF BLAOW with Hamish

THE MIGHTY BOOTH with Olivia

4:00 7:00

DRAKE DRIVING with Kevin

TWIN GEEKS with Arie and Fairooz

B1 with Tim 1

B2 with Tim 2

BAD SCIENCE with Rachael and Harri

EATINGBANTERMUSIC with Tanaka

YOUR OTHER FRIENDS with Charlotte and Sharon

7:00 9:00

COLLEGE DROPOUTS with Jack W

DEATH BY BEATS with Jack B

NOT SO LATE NIGHT with DJ K-Swagz

SEVEN BLUNT with Jethro

420 AIR PURIFIER BOYS with Sean, Connor and Ollie

ADVENTURE TIME with Jack the Dog and Finn the Human

TIM ALLEN FACISM HOUR with Kayden, Matthew and Johnny

9:00 11:00

TBD with Kayla and Lydia

TBD with Giorgio

DURRIES FOR BREAKFAST with Emmerson

NICE AND NAUGHTY with Josh

THE SESSION with Ethan and Waiata

FILL THIS SPOT

MEANDERINGS with Meriana

11:00 1:00

TBD with Chris Gilman

SHOW SCHEDULE 2015 SALIENT FM

www.salient.org.nz

issue 9

Music

41

Passion Pit Kindred Alice Reid Passion Pit has such a distinctive sound—whether you’re a fan or not, you can usually tell a Passion Pit song when you hear one. It’s a definite strength and yet sometimes it seems Michael Angelakos is struggling to break his own mould. Passion Pit has undoubtedly nailed the art of synthpop and emotional lyrics, but for the most part, Angelakos’ latest release sounds much the same as anything he’s done before.

Kindred is Passion Pit’s third LP, following Manners in 2009 and Gossamer in 2012. Gossamer was a heavy album that dealt with suicide, drug abuse, domestic violence and a myriad of other dark subjects. In the press cycle surrounding its release, Angelakos revealed his struggles with bipolar disorder as being a pivotal part of the record. Angelakos didn’t hold back in his public examination of his own mental health—he alludes to his own suicide attempt in the track “Where We Belong”. Gossamer was an incredibly raw and emotional record, particularly for a sophomore effort. The emotional potency of Gossamer was always going to be a hard one to follow, and unfortunately Kindred doesn’t pull it off quite as well as I’d hoped.

Kindred does, however, make it clear that Angelakos is now doing much better. The album opens with the explosive and upbeat “Lifted Up (1985)”. It’s the kind of track that Passion Pit does best, and it functions incredibly well as an opening track. It feels similar to songs like “Sleepyhead” and “Little Secrets” from Manners. The track is actually an ode to Angelakos’ wife, telling a story where she descends from heaven and he prevents her from returning: “1985 was a good year / The sky broke apart and you appeared / Dropped from the heavens, they call me a dreamer / I won’t lie, I knew you would belong here / Lifted off the ground / I took your hands and pulled you down.” There’s such an energetic earnestness to the track, it left me with high expectations for the rest of the album and I have to admit, I was a little bit disappointed.

dichotomies, like light versus darkness. The majority of the album also serves as a love letter to his wife. “Whole Life Story” is one highlight from the album, where Angelakos sings a heartfelt apology to his wife with lyrics like “How could you forgive me when / Our life’s some story out for them to buy?” and “I’m sorry darling.” Another highlight is “Until We Can’t (Let’s Go)”. The track has a similar energy to “Carried Away” from Gossamer.

“Looks Like Rain” strips the usual Passion Pit track back a little bit, with a slower melody and less synth. It’s lyrically interesting too, with the chorus “And I said, ‘Hey, looks like rain’ / Then you lifted your hands and prayed / ‘Go away, you can come back some other day’ / But they stayed and you soaked under all of the grey / And the rain washed all our cries and pleas away.”

The first half of the album is great, but the closing tracks really let the rest down. “My Brother Taught Me How To Swim” initially sounds like something by Owl City. It redeems itself somewhat, but it’s definitely not one of the better tracks on Kindred. It’s also a big one in terms of religious imagery, following a similar kind of saviour/baptism theme to some of the earlier songs on the album.

The final track “Ten Feet Tall (II)” is similarly disappointing—it doesn’t work quite as well as its predecessor “Ten Feet Tall (I)” and it sees Angelakos’ trademark falsetto being masked by garbled autotune for the first time on the album.

Passion Pit has always made pop music that somehow demands your full attention and Kindred is no exception. The album is somewhat similar in sound to both Manners and Gossamer, and whilst lacking in some aspects, it certainly shows Angelakos’ progress lyrically. As always, Passion Pit is fun to listen to—it’s a great album on face value, but if you immerse yourself a little deeper it’s a really interesting and thought provoking record too.

Ultimately, Kindred isn’t the huge success it could have been, but it’s not wholly a disappointment either.

Religious references are prominent on Kindred. Angelakos makes heavy use of symbolism in his lyrics and employs several editor@salient.org.nz

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salient

Bloody Nonsense Ruth Corkill Turns out PMS isn’t even a thing.

If you ask, three of every four menstruating women say they experience PMS. But a review of research led by University of Toronto has found no link between negative moods and the pre-menstrual phase. “There is so much cultural baggage around women’s menstrual cycles, and entire industries built around the idea that women are moody, irrational, even unstable, in the phase leading up to menstruation,” says Dr. Gillian Einstein, one of the U of T experts who analyzed 41 research studies into PMS. “Our review, which shows no clear evidence that PMS exists, will be surprising to many people, including health professionals.”

Thirty-five of the 41 papers reviewed found no link between mood and the menstrual cycle whatsoever. Not a peep. Of the six (13.5 per cent) papers that did show any relationship, several were found to be biased because the participants were not “blinded” to the purpose of the study—the women in the study knew that the researchers wanted to know how moody their PMS made them.

No change in mood is a far cry from the depiction of PMSing women in pop culture or the health education classroom, where it is taken for granted that changes in mood and behaviour are symptoms of being female.

Dylan Moran beautifully demonstrated for us in stand up how difficult it is for young men to talk to a woman about her periods: “Listen, LISTEN... I agree... with everything... you’re carving... on the kitchen table, I do. But do you think maybe this might have something to do with your per-ARGH! (laughter) That first high kick to the thorax generally does the trick.” PMS humour may seem innocent enough, except that the myth of the PMS Witch follows people into the real world. My two favourite PMS jokes are “men’s rights activists” justifying the gender pay gap by citing the disabling effects of PMS, and Marc Rudov answering the question “what is the downside of having a woman become the President of the United States?” with “you mean besides the PMS and the mood swings right?” on Fox News.

But if it doesn’t exist, how come so many people (and their partners) report PMS symptoms? “Before women even get their first period, they have heard about PMS. The notion is so ingrained in our culture that some of these studies are actually

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biased because women know the study is about PMS,” says Einstein. What Einstein is suggesting, then, is that PMS is a cultural phenomenon, not a medical one. As it turns out, PMS is primarily a Western notion: according to Professor Jane Ussher who studies women’s health psychology at the University of Western Sydney, the concept of PMS doesn’t exist in Hong Kong, China or India.

Someone should probably mention this to the medical community. Premenstrual syndrome is recognised by mainstream medicine and was first described in 1931. A wide variety of symptoms including anxiety, depressed mood, crying spells, mood swings, irritability and anger are attributed to the condition. In severe cases, when mood swings appear to be impacting the person’s work and relationships, it is called premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). Textbooks will tell you that the causes of PMS and PMDD are unclear but that the wonderful medical catchall “hormonal changes” appear to play an important role. Underlying depression and anxiety are common in both PMS and PMDD diagnoses.

Of course, there are physical symptoms such as bloating and cramping related to the premenstrual phase, and just like a headache or a cold, severe period pain could make you irritable. But that is very different from saying that hormonal changes result in a temporary mood disorder. It seems bizarre that PMS is so widely accepted as a condition when no correlation between mood changes and the premenstrual phase (let alone a causal link between hormone changes and mood) has been demonstrated. It matters because if we

Science

are brushing off negative mood as the result of PMS then we aren’t addressing the real problems. As Einstein says, “There are so many things going on in women’s lives that can have a distinct impact on their moods— stress, lack of social support, economic hardship, physical ailments. Looking at these factors is key to the concept of evidencebased medicine.”

Sadly, this wouldn’t be the first time medical professionals have wrongfully attributed moodiness to female biology. Female hysteria was a common medical diagnosis for hundreds of years, with symptoms including nervousness, sexual desire (God forbid), insomnia, fluid retention, irritability, loss of appetite for food or sex, and “a tendency to cause trouble” attributed to the disease.

In other words, having opinions, emotions, sexual desire, lack of desire or attempting to have any agency over your own life was medicalised if the person exhibiting these “symptoms” was female.

The Ancient Greeks thought hysteria was caused by the uterus literally wandering around the body. In the nineteenth century Dr. Russell Trall, a hydrotherapist in the United States, claimed (without supporting evidence) that up to 75 per cent of women suffered from female hysteria. The American Psychiatric Association didn’t drop the term until the early 1950s. Women were treated for hysteria with vibrators or water hoses (to induce orgasm), clitoridectomies (surgical removal of the clitoris), hysterectomies (surgical removal of the uterus), or even institutionalised.

How do patients and doctors become deceived into believing in a condition that doesn’t even exist? I don’t think that female hysteria was a malicious lie on the part of the medical profession, and I don’t want to discredit the experiences of people who “suffered” from the condition. I imagine that many women have had negative emotions and mood, or behaved in ways that were “troublesome” to their community. I just don’t think it was because their uterus or any other part of their female anatomy was misbehaving. Rather, it seems to me that the concept of female hysteria was a symptom of community-wide gaslighting against women.

Gaslighting is a recognised form of mental abuse (with studies and data to back it up) in which information is twisted to favour the abuser (in this case the maledominated community) with the intent of making victims doubt their own perception and sanity. It’s a great way to keep the oppressed, oppressed. The disturbing part is that both abuser and abused can believe this twisted world view. The oppression becomes internalised.

People believed that women were more fragile, irrational and emotional than men, and that they belonged in domestic situations.

So if a woman was sexually frustrated or just frustrated with her lot of housekeeping and child rearing, everyone including the woman in question thought it was because there was something wrong with her. We know that internalised sexism, internalised homophobia and internalised racism makes individuals think less of themselves, and make people

believe that they are treated differently for a good reason.

Which is why it’s important that we think about the new evidence against PMS very seriously. To this day we label women “crazy” and “hysterical” when they express anger, frustration or distress. Women dismiss their own anger as over-reacting rather than as a justified response to angry-making things. In a world where we teach men that they can behave how they like and women to be accommodating, it’s all too easy to attribute a woman’s discontent to some irrational, biological basis. Especially something as vague and recurring as the “premenstrual phase”.

I am aware that many people will not appreciate being told that they are imagining their symptoms. Given the number of women who say they experience PMS first hand, it seems arrogant of me to dismiss the condition. And of course, there is no way to show definitively that PMS doesn’t exist.

It may be that the studies conducted so far have been too narrow in their definitions of mood changes. All I ask is that we consider an internalised misogyny check-up on what we think we know about PMS. Because if the conversation was being driven by empirical evidence and research, we wouldn’t be blaming uteruses and female hormones for everything. Maybe then we would be forced to acknowledge some of the real problems women have to deal with.

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Campus Careers Expo

Notices Something felt, something shared Gabrielle Amodeo, Ruby Joy Eade, Clare Hartley McLean, Kalya Ward Curated by Emma Ng May 7 – 30, 2015 Enjoy Public Art Gallery Opening: Wednesday May 6, 5.30pm Strange frequencies are channelled through personal narratives and poetic placeholders in Something felt, something shared. As the artists traverse emotional and digital landscapes, the tangible takes a backseat to intimacies, psychic knowing, and ghostly encounters.

Connections materialise and ruptures are negotiated in works that explore empathy, energies, and memory as alternative wellsprings of knowledge.

7 May 11:00am to 2:00pm The Hub (level 2), Kelburn Campus Open for all students!

Wide range of job opportunities Information on various overseas opportunities Information on up-skilling and developing your education further Opportunity to learn more about organisations from the public and private sectors, education, development, community and voluntary areas Free careers handouts and advice to help with your application and sort out your career!

ICT Careers Expo 8 May 12noon to 2:00pm Alan MacDiarmid Foyer, Kelburn Campus Free pizza (Sponsored by Deloitte) For more information visit CareerHub www.victoria.ac.nz/ careerhub

Victoria University Toastmasters Careers and Employment 2015-16 Internships and 2016 Graduate Jobs See Recruitment Schedule for details: http://bit. ly/1zGNacY Currently recruiting: Tonkin & Taylor, Ravensdown, DairyNZ, Government Legal Network, Assurity, FMG, Microsoft, Google, BNZ, Heinz Watties, Optiver, Pernord Richard NZ, Atlassian, IBM… and many more.

Connect with employers via Recruitment events: http:// bit.ly/1DOS0WK Upcoming employer presentations: Atlassian (7 May), Fisher & Paykel (8 May), Intergen (13 May), Xero (14 May), MSD (25 May) Check in with a Careers Consultant during our daily dropin sessions! http://bit.ly/1A1ORgv Get help with your CV, Cover Letter, Interview skills etc For more info, login to www.victoria.ac.nz/careerhub with your Student Computing login!

Meeting Wednesday 6 May 12-1pm Kelburn Campus Student Union Building Room 219 Victoria University Toastmasters offers a friendly, relaxing environment to develop public-speaking and leadership skills.

We are open to current students, staff, alumni, and members of the public.

Guests are always welcome at our meetings.

Kaibosh – Make a Meal in May Get your friends together and make a meal with a difference for Kaibosh’s annual fundraising appeal.

Make a meal at home, donate what you would have spent on a meal out and put food on the table for fellow Wellingtonians in need.

For every $10 donated, Kaibosh can provide the equivalent of 17 meals to those in our community who need it most.

Find out more or donate at www.kaibosh.org.nz

www.salient.org.nz

issue 9

Letters Letter of the Week:

Pad-astrophic Dear Salient Ladies, please could you put your used sanitary products in the sanitary bin provided in the toilet cubicle. The used products need to go in the bin, not left on top of the bin for all to see. Quite frankly, I felt quite sick this morning when this greeted me.

Ladies , please use the bin, that is what it is there for!

Mrs Clean Freak!

Letter of the Week receives two coffee vouchers and a $10 book voucher from Vic Books

No issue is too small (or smelly) Dearest Salient My compliments on your outstanding journalistic integrity, as epitomized by your attention to detail in this weeks correction of Gee’s toilet activities . I am very pleased that the exact cause of his lateness to the Executive meeting has been clarified, and was not bowel movement but bladder relief. Details like this are nodoubt of great importance to many readers, so on behalf of the student population, I would like to thank you for this high quality of journalism.

Yours, Student in favour of excrement accuracy

I’m in love with a Nazi Dear Salient I think I have in tense feelings for a Grammar Nazi. Her personality is as neat as her handwriting. I’ve been shown how much simpler life can be when you see the world in black and white, size 12 Times New Roman font, with double spacing, and appropriate indentation. She finds it so cute when I use the Oxford comma and whenever I struggle with a complex proposition she’s always there to help. Do you think I should ask her to be my reciprocal pronoun?

Regards A hopeless Grammatik

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Provocative statement continues to provoke Dear Salient, Last weeks “War” themed issue included some great articles and news. However I disagree and I hope it’s not just me who does, with the implication that if the Allies had succeeded in the Gallipoli campaign that some sort of war crimes would be committed by Imperial, specifically New Zealand troops on the scale of the infamous Mai Lai massacre that occurred in Vietnam perpetrated by American forces.

When the author of the article asks us if “similar acts of savagery would have occurred” and then implies that we all believe they would with “I think you know.” I disagree.

New Zealand has had an extremely good reputation for our conduct in times of war, it is something that we can be proud of. While I do not deny that war crimes took place in World War 1 I think it’s horrible to assume that New Zealand would have any part in them based on the fact that American troops in an entirely different conflict in an entirely different time period coming from an entirely different military and cultural background committed a horrendous crime.

At the time of the Gallipoli campaign just about the only major crimes against humanity that had occurred during the war had been perpetrated by the Central Powers the largest of which was caused by the very nation we were sent to fight at Gallipoli with the Genocide of Armenians by the Ottoman Empire.

Yes there is no way to be certain, but please give our guys some credit.

- Some second year history/ I.R. student.

Kia Ora Russ* and Some second year history/ I.R. student, You both raise a really important point, and I’m extremely glad you’ve broached the issue. A different draft of the piece contained greater justification for my claim, but this section was (rightly) excised for the sake of concision. Suffice it to say that while I usually find historical conjecture fanciful and distasteful, I believe in this instance that the plans of the generals and historical precedents that Mai Lai is representative of offer my argument plausibility. If I might don my pacifist cap, too, I think that the distinction between ‘moral’ acts of war and ‘acts of savagery’ are tenuous.

That said, you are correct in observing my use of rhetorical device and insinuation was a bit presumptuous.

On that note, I am thrilled that this is being discussed, regardless of whether I am in the wrong, because this is a conversation we need to have.

Yours Sincerely, Philip McSweeney *Editor’s note: Russ’ letter was published in issue 8

editor@salient.org.nz

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www.salient.org.nz

issue 9

VUWSA

47

Yarn With Zwaan Rick Zwaan

The cost of silence On Tuesday afternoon last week a lot of your money was pointlessly wasted.

Academic Board, the body legally responsible for ensuring the academic integrity and quality of this university, met to discuss, debate and approve a raft of proposals for new masters, programmes of study, changes to statutes and various other things.

Except there wasn’t really a discussion or debate. Instead 50-odd university academics, Provosts, Pro Vice Chancellors, heads of schools, other managers and staff filled in and sat quietly. During the meeting only a handful of people actually said anything.

Student reps who spoke up passed on serious concerns with two 180-point engineering masters proposals which had been raised—but not addressed—by a previous meeting of Academic Committee.

Similar to question time in Parliament, the legitimate concerns were whitewashed by non-answers from those trying to push the proposals through. However, unlike Parliament, no standing orders were present to compel actual answers. Instead, the Convener of the meeting shut down any further questions when he felt like it was straying too close to an actual debate.

Rather, a vote was taken and a smattering of people supported the motion to endorse the proposals while we opposed them. The majority present stayed silent.

At the end of the meeting, academics approached us and quietly applauded us for the points we raised. While we very much appreciate the sentiment, it would be far better if they built up the courage to express it in the actual meeting rather than allowing the Board to approve the proposals without any rigorous test for academic quality.

The notes will reflect that the many who did not express an opinion supported the decision through their silence. However, last time I checked, silence doesn’t mean assent.

So what is the cost of this silence? $2,700.00 alone if we conservatively assume the 50-odd university staff who sat in a room for two hours are paid the average New Zealand salary.

But the true material cost of such meetings is far higher when you account for the hours of preparatory work that go into the papers presented, let alone the people present actually reading the 255 pages of papers before the meeting.

However, more worrying, and harder to quantify, is the long-term material impact of our masters programmes being of questionable quality. The Academic Board needs to have genuine debate and discussion on such proposals and academics should partake— otherwise it’s a rather costly silent rubber stamp.

Clubs and Activities Officer Rory McNamara

Hey guys, My name is Rory McNamara and I am VUWSA’s Clubs and Activities Officer for this year. I believe Vic should be a community that we all love and are proud to be a part of. I love engaging with students and hearing your feedback about what you love or hate about university, so come and have a chat to me if you ever have anything you want to chat about. I will be in the Student Union building at the VUWSA office if you need to find me or just want someone to have a beer with you at the Hunter Lounge.

We should all have a shit-ton of fun while we are at university, whether this is on or off campus—there is so much to do at Vic and in Wellington. It doesn’t matter if you like playing chess, debating or having a night out on the town, there is always something for you to do. If you want to meet like-minded people, one of the best ways of doing this is to join a club. There are over 130 clubs on campus so you are bound to find one to suit your interests.

It is so important to keep a good work/life balance while you are at university. University is stressful at the best of times and downright shit at other times. You shouldn’t get all hung up on small things like the occasional missed lecture or accidental hangover. It is perfectly okay to have the occasional drunken blow out (trust me we have all done it—looking at you, Zac). VUWSA is here to help make university more bearable—we are here to have some great fun, not just get the grades. Please remember this guys, because if you’re not enjoying yourself while you’re here, chances are that everything in your life is going to start getting a bit shit.

So make sure you have some fun, play some drinking games, get to know fellow students and above all have some leisure time while at university. editor@salient.org.nz

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