Salient 22, 2013 - Salient and the City

salient and the

City

monday 30th september 2013 VOL 76 ISSUE 22

Designer: Laura Burns designer@salient.org.nz News Editor: Chris McIntyre news@salient.org.nz News Interns: Sophie Boot

E I L N A T S 1938

An Organ of Student Opinion Since 1938

Arts Editor: Philip McSweeney arts@salient.org.nz Film Editor: Chloe Davies Books Editor: Alexandra Hollis Visual Arts Editor: Simon Gennard Music Editor: Elise Munden Theatre Editor: Gabrielle Beran Games Editor: Patrick Lindsay Feature Writers: Henry Cooke & Patrick Hunn Chief Sub-editor & Uploader: Nick Fargher Distribution Specialist: Jonathan Hobman

contributors: Morgan Ashworth, Bacchus, Hilary Beattie, Manny Bianco, Seymour Butts, Daniel Chapple, Catherine Gaffaney, Penny Gault, Freddie Hayek, Becca Hofmann, Ashleigh Hume, Russ Kale, Lux Lisbon, Rory McCourt, Duncan McLachlan, Carla Marks, Mica Moore, Cam Price, Carlo Salizzo, Dylan Shearer, Emma Smith, Steph Trengrove, Julia Wells Contributors of the Week: Carlo Salizzo

advertising: Contact: Ali Allen Phone: 04 463 6982 Email: sales@vuwsa.org.nz

contact: Level 2, Student Union Building Victoria University P.O. Box 600. Wellington Phone: 04 463 6766 Email: editor@salient.org.nz Website: salient.org.nz Twitter: @salientmagazine Facebook: facebook.com/salientmagazine

Lesson learned: if you can smell it, you’re too sober for Hope Bros.

Hopeless 12 - Page 22

about us: Salient is produced by independent student journalists, employed by, but editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students' Association (VUWSA). Salient is a member of, syndicated and supported by the Aoteroa Student Press Association (ASPA).

Salient is funded by Victoria Univeristy of Wellington students, through the Student Services Levy. It is printed by APN Print of Hastings. Opinions expressed are not necessarily representative of ASPA, VUWSA, APN Print, earth, wind, and fire , but we of Salient are proud of our beliefs and take full responsibility for them.

This issue is dedicated to:

beating wellington on a good day www.salient.org.nz

@salientmagazine

facebook.com/salientmagazine



Editors: Stella Blake-Kelly & Molly McCarthy editor@salient.org.nz

? his ve om f t ha nd F o a o z t t f F PD .n an o e g w ay th r 't pl ad t.o n on is e D ic D d r lie bl an sa Pu d t a loa e a n su ow is D

City Slickers:

editorial

CONTENT S Weekly Content: VUWSA

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News

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Politics

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Campus Digest

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Features: when thomas met 18 sonya hopeless 12

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welcome to

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shalimar cuba street. past,

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present and future playing with fire: 32 adventures in tinder wellytronic music 34 home brew crew

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Columns: hoopin' and

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hollerin' laying down the

As the sun rises over Wellington city and the Salient office at the tail-end of another production night, and another editorial left too late, we can see the various bastions of Wellington dotted around the harbour: Oriental Bay; Te Papa; the docks; Lambton Quay’s high rises; and the highway stretching north. If you grew up here, these icons will have long-since lost any significance for you. If you moved to Wellington to come to University, the Capital probably seemed large and unwieldy when you first got here, but by now you’ve realised it’s pretty much just a harbour, a couple of hills, and three main roads.

We’ve got a pretty bad habit of not paying attention to our surroundings. The hustle and bustle of people walking around, the never-ending construction in the Hub—we want an escape, to create our own little bubble. Whether it’s using our smart phones for lols, to engage with love interests (Snapchat), or find new ones (Tinder), most of us are tuning out from the world around us on a regular basis.

We know our cosy little capital is there, but we don’t really pay much attention to it. Life goes on around us; things continue to happen without us. Then we get a bunch of earthquakes and suddenly we notice the glass-lined high-rises; the yellow stickers on the lowrises; the reclaimed land that much of the CBD is built on, and the ornate but precarious plasterwork on our historic buildings.

If we’ve learnt anything about this city in the past few months, it’s that Wellington certainly has it faults (heh). It’s impossible to take two steps outside without your skirt blowing up in the wind, and walking down Cuba St without running into that dickhead you hated in Primary School is basically impossible… BUT, in which other capital city can you meet someone new and have at least five different friends in common; drinking problems are more caffeine- than alcoholrelated, and where else in the world can you read Salient! (Go on, indulge us.)

So in this issue, we’ve taken some time out to appreciate our home (at least for a couple of years—until we can graduate and get a better job in Australia): Wellington. Because—while it might not be perfect—you sure as hell can’t beat it on a good day.

molly & stella

law Fixing your life

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things that go

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bump in the night lifestyle

Arts: visual arts

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books

45

music

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games

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what's on film

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Etc: Puzzles

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Letters

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Notices

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VBC

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Gig Guide

P.S. Thanks to Wellington icon and server of fine brews, The Hunter Lounge. Cheers for the beers.

Who said we had integrity?

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VUWSA 

YOUR STUDENTS’

ASSOCIATION

your students' association

THE McCOURT REPORT VUWSA President Rory McCourt There’s a debate raging on in this university, and you’re in the middle of it. Whether you’re students or staff reading this, you are. It’s the same debate being had by universities across the globe. It’s about to what extent our institution, our community, is led and directed by managers and the goals of new managerialism: minimising risk, maximising funding and promoting management’s values. It’s about whether managerialism should increasingly dominate our university, at the expense of academics, academic leadership and academic values.

It’s a debate you’re in the middle of, but ironically, you’re not really part of it. That’s because a large part of managerialism is about moving the decision-making away from academic staff and students and to—you guessed it—managers. British sociologist Nikolas Rose offers a pretty unkind definition: “New managerialism is defined as a process whereby the power of knowledge has shifted from academics to policymakers, accountants or financial officers, essentially ‘bean counters’ and ‘positivists’ who have no professional knowledge in teaching or researching in tertiary education”.

The centralisation of decision-making from academics to Senior Management, and upwards to the Beehive under the current Government, has had the effect of deciding for us which way we should be heading in this debate. Part of this is Government. The Performance Based Research Fund (PBRF) funding regime, the new Student Achievement Component (five per cent of University per-student funding at risk if retention and competition targets are not met) and the freeze on government funding have all combined to create an environment that is not conducive to the encouragement of academics to pursue their areas of interest free from the pressures of commercialisation and commodification.

So often I hear from people in the baby-boomer generation, particularly academics, say how hard we have it as students nowadays. They speak of a ‘golden age’, where you could work over the summer and be set for the year, where fees were only a few hundred dollars, where there was time to relax and find yourself—and to think. When academics express this nostalgia, of a time before user-pays education, undoubtedly they’re also thinking of their former place in the university, the way it was in their golden age.

In 2013, in the age of outputs, and the funding and necessary targets that come along with them, universities ask how can we maximise their PBRF funding, secure that five per cent SAC, make millions from commercialisable research and cram as many $25,000+ international feepaying students into a lecture that they can.

But have we reached a point where those outputs, and the Minister’s latest fetish with employability, science, engineering, have eclipsed those fundamental academic values about this University being a place of the pursuit and dissemination of knowledge? Have we lost sight of what we

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should be doing with our time and millions of tax and student dollars?

Which surely is to produce critical thinkers as graduates, research with impact and academics who lead public debate towards a better society.

Critic and conscience, what happened to those? Instead, our fixation on fulfilling the definitions of success given by others has dominated our thinking and at some point must be having an impact on the kind of education students receive at Victoria.

The commodification of education and the new managerialism approach is certainly having an impact on staff. Take for example the current ‘change’ proposal by University Management for the Academic Office, which seeks to disestablish the Associate Vice-Chancellor (Academic) role. A role which, in a remarkable show of solidarity, the Associate Deans from across Vic wrote to Academic Board together to defend, and to raise major issues with the proposal, and the process it’s come through. It has not proactively engaged wider staff or students who deal with that all-important role all the time. I want to pay tribute to the commitment of Associate Dean of Commerce, Colin Jeffcoat, who was brave to speak up last Thursday, and the commitment of all of the associate deans to Victoria and academic integrity.

The Associate Deans, who hold significant mana around the University, are concerned about the impact of losing a senior academic from that role and replacing much of their work with a manager. As students, we were concerned about that too. It’s part of this wider question: what are the roles of professional academics, and what are the roles of non-academic managers in leading this University? Perhaps influence has already swung too far in the direction of the non-academics. Perhaps with all the pressures from Government to commodify and produce certain outputs, now is the time to put more academics in key leadership positions to preserve the relationship of the institution to its core mission. At Otago, the Vice-Chancellor teaches a few times a week. If teaching, research and public debate are things that matter at Vic, then shouldn’t we ensure people at the top live them, and stay connected? Perhaps this change proposal is the complete opposite of what we should be doing.

Finally, I want to touch on an upcoming opportunity to change this system.

The University Council is reviewing Academic Board. According to legend, this board, once called the Professorial Board, was a place of debate and lively discussion where the future of the University and the values that drove it were hashed out amongst the academic leaders of Victoria. Having frank discussions is vital to any university community that wants to respond to shared challenges in collaborative, effective ways. Today, the board is a mere shadow of its former self. Debate is practically non-existent, with the ViceChancellor chairing it, Management dominating it, and all the proceedings wrapped up in an hour or less. If discussion does occur, Management is often too quick to move on, and a culture exists where people may not feel encouraged challenging those in Management. While part of the lack of debate comes from the great work the Academic Committee does to reach university-wide consensus on tricky technical issues, there are nonetheless debates and discussions that should be happening about values, direction and strategy. This is supposed to be the advisory body to Council, to speak up on the issues that matter to our future. With some culture change, it can.

Long story short: it’s never too late to build the University we want with the values we need.

PS Vote for Sonya for President. She gets the importance of this stuff !

>>> salient.org.nz

 VUWSA

NGAI TAUIRA Kia ora mai tātou,

Engagement Vice-President

By Mica Moore

Now it’s nearly October, I thought I’d look up the definition of Engagement. The internet told me it means “involving people in stuff ”. This pretty much sums up the vagueness of a role which has taken on a big task—turning post–Pyjama Party traumatic stress VUWSA (if you haven’t heard this story… well, it was bad) into an Association that you want to be a part of. I’m not entirely sure how to do this, but I continue to give it a go with the Exec. And, looking at this year, I’ve picked out some of my own definitions of ‘engagement’ to tell you of this role’s beginnings:  Bouncing around in bear suits during O-Week, and seeing students go from coolly indifferent to gushing little kids.  Posting something for the VUWSA Facebook page and getting more than 15 likes. Mate.  Starting up a VUWSA volunteer network and spending an afternoon making up clothes parcels for kids in low-decile schools.  Having over 200 people sign up to the Faculty Games.  Helping students hold our local leaders to account about issues that are important to our community, at the Mayoral Debate.  Getting 80 international students together and learning that they’re unsure who to turn to for a sense of community… and forming a Rep Group to help.  Realising VUWSA is not yet cool enough to pull off parties at Hope Bros. That is a weird sentence.

As you can see, we still have a long way to go! At VUWSA, we’re a passionate bunch of humans with questionable social skills. It’s a highly political organisation, because we want to lobby for the issues that matter to students. I don’t think that should change. But one day, I like to think that in between advocacy, free flu shots and campaigns, you’ll want to come to us with your ideas, we’ll help clubs and rep groups to flourish, and we’ll even throw good parties.

With Beyoncé and Obama. Oh man, it’s gonna be loose.

Tēnei te tuku mihi atu ki te ope i tae atu ki tāwāhi mō te whakataetae America’s Cup. Mārakerake ana te kite i whakapau kaha ana, i whakapetongoi ana, i whakatangetange riaka ana tā tātou nā tīma o Aotearoa nei, kia whakatutuki i tā rātou i wawata ai. Nō reira ka kore ngā mihi e ngū mō ā koutou nā kaha ki te ū, ahakoa te aha. Ahakoa kāre koutou tērā e tū ana ki te karamatamata o taua nā kēmu, tē taea te kī atu, i mate wheke koutou!

Kia tahuri whare wānanga nei, e mōhio ana tātou tata pou te wā i a tātou mō ngā mahi o te whare wānanga nei. Mōhio mārika ana tātou, ākuanei ka tū ngā whakamātautau whakamutunga, nā me aro pū tātou ki ēna kia tutuki pai. Kia mōhio mai, kei konei ngā kaiāwhina o Te Pūtahi Atawhai hei āwhina i a tātou mō ēnei tūmomo mahi. Ki te kore koe e mōhio kei hea rātou noho ai, haere ki 14 KP, kōrero ai, tuku pātai ai, kapu tī ai, kei reira tō tātou nei whānau e āwhina ai, ā pahupahu nei, ā mahi nei.

Ngā mihi, Ngāi Tauira

PASIFIKA STUDENTS' COUNCIL VITI BAHUT JALUM! A DAY OF CREATIVE WORKSHOPS FOR YOUTH When: 3 October 2013. Time: 10 am – 8 pm. Where: Te Marae, Museum of New Zealand Te Papa Tongarewa, Cable St, WGTN. Cost: Free. Age: Youth (10 years and over).

2013 marks the inauguration of Fiji Language Week from 7–13 October, during which the 43rd anniversary of Fiji’s political independence will also be celebrated.

“Viti Bahut Jalum!” coincides with the first week of the school holidays, and serves as a lead-up to the many community events being planned for Fiji Language Week. In particular, “Viti Bahut Jalum!” provides an opportunity for young people with connections to or an interest in Fiji to engage in their own creative explorations of what Fiji means to them.

RETRACTION: Salient incorrectly titled a column by Ramon Quitales as that of an International Officer, when in face he is the Clubs and Activities Officer—for which we apologise greatly.

salient.org.nz <<<

Come join acclaimed theatre director Nina Nawalowalo, popular musician Jimi Nathu and published poet Teresia Teaiwa for a day of creative workshops that will culminate in an evening showcase at 6.30 pm on Te Marae at Te Papa! Bookings essential for catering purposes. All participants who register before 26 September will have their names automatically entered in a draw for a prize pack from the Fiji High Commission.

Please contact Vaseva on phone (04) 473 5401 for any enquiries and bookings.

You can also request registration forms by emailing pa.fhc@paradise.net.nz.

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NEWS





NEWs 

You may never be royal, but you may be a writer for Salient. Email news@salient.org.nz to get involved, give us goss, tips, news and tips.

Maharaj Snapped On Snapper Issue Fares Mirage Deserts Maharaj On The Campaign Trail Chris McIntyre

VUWSA Presidential candidate Thomas Maharaj has been falsely implying that his connections to Snapper would make him better placed to achieve fare discounts for tertiary students.

A number of students reported to Salient Thomas Maharaj had told them that “just between you and me” he had connections at Snapper which would help him to introduce student fares. On his campaign Facebook page, one comment suggests Maharaj’s father owns Snapper.

electronics on buses.

A representative of HTS told Salient the company did not have any influence on fares for any group, including for tertiary students.

“It has to do with the equipment, the installation, the maintenance of the card… it’s not to do with fares and stuff,” they said.

When asked by Salient on his plans to achieve fairer fares given the absence of influence HTS has on fare structures, Maharaj stated the

importance of connections with councillors and central government. Maharaj has worked with Labour MP Trevor Mallard as a community organiser, and also with Greater Wellington Regional Councillor (GWRC) Paul Bruce.

Fares in the wider Wellington region are decided by the GWRC. In June, the GWRC announced a long-term draft proposal for fare structures which did not include fare subsidies for tertiary students.

Since the story was first published online last Thursday evening, Maharaj contacted Salient to deny the extent to which he has been relying on personal connections to support his campaign. “[N]ever have I said that these connections would achieve fairer fares—although to some extent, I do believe that these connections can be helpful.”

The companies register reveals Maharaj’s father, Noel Maharaj, is CEO and owns 25 per cent of HTS Group Limited (HTS). HTS are contracted

by Snapper to provide services and maintenance.

Maharaj has admitted he worked for his father’s company in the past—most recently in January this year—providing installation services for

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>>> salient.org.nz

a real mayor of a forum Local body and student body in tight embrace Chris McIntyre

Candidates in the upcoming local-body elections visited campus last week, hoping to win students’ hearts and, to a greater extent, their votes.

“Shame on you Rob, for not having boxes in hospitals and rest homes,” Morrison replied as the crowd jeered.

Approximately 250 people attended VUWSA’s Mayoral Forum held in the Hub last Wednesday, where candidates in the mayoral, Regional Council and local-ward elections went head to head with each other and students.

Goulden and Morrison’s exchange was not the only flashpoint, as current Mayor Celia Wade-Brown took umbrage at Morrison saying nothing had been achieved in Wade-Brown’s three-year term.

Students were given the opportunity to ask questions of the mayoral candidates, with the majority of questions being on student issues like fairer fares, a rental-housing warrant of fitness, and alcohol policy. The living-wage campaign, public transport, environmental concerns around deep-sea drilling, and a runway extension were among other issues arising from the discussion.

John Morrison received an unsurprisingly chilly reception from the crowd on occasion. Three weeks ago, Salient revealed Morrison laid a complaint with the Wellington City Council Electoral Office which lead to ballot boxes being removed from campus, further disenfranchising student voters whose turnout is notoriously poor.

Mayoral candidate Rob Goulden called Morrison out on his complaint, shouting: “Shame on you [for] suppressing democracy.”

Morrison later returned the retort, accusing Goulden of not having a consistent approach to ballot-box placement across the city.

“You’ve had your turn,” Morrison chortled, telling Wade-Brown “get on your bike”.

Jack Yan was the clear crowd favourite, though his support appeared to dwindle after it was revealed that he helps run Miss Universe New Zealand.

The Forum heard emotional stories from two University cleaners who implored candidates to embrace the living-wage campaign, Ibrahim Omer-Salin and Mata Anguna-Takairangi.

Omer-Salin spoke of having to work two jobs, putting in 70 to 80 hours each week to make ends meet, while Anguna-Takairangi told the Forum New Zealand was not the promised land of milk and honey. Nicola Young was the only candidate to speak against the Council adopting a livingwage policy.

VUWSA printed 2,500 postcards at a cost of nearly $600 before the forum to distribute amongst students, advertising which GWRC candidates supported fairer fares. VUWSA President Rory McCourt said the “small cost” of printing the

postcards came from the Student Services Levy, and that the cost “pales in comparison” to the money students will save from cheaper transport, should the campaign be successful.

“Each student paid about 2.7 cents of their $676.00 SSL fee towards them. I think that's pretty good value to inform students on which candidates support cheaper public transport,” said McCourt, adding the event was the biggest VUWSA has held in his memory.

“I was really happy to see hundreds of students engaging with the candidates, commenting on twitter and voting on the day.

“It's important that students engage with the local elections because good local leaders are the only way we'll get warmer flats, fairer fares and a Wellington economy that has jobs for when we graduate,” said McCourt.

Students could place special votes at a stall in the Hub on the day of the Forum, and around 100 special votes had already been cast by the time the Forum finished—“a lot for special voting”, according to the staff operating the booth. The booth remained open throughout the afternoon.

Postal ballots for the local-body election can be mailed in before 12 October. Those wishing to enrol or cast a special vote can find information on how to do so at elections.org.nz.

Photo credit: Rick Zwaan salient.org.nz <<<

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2014 VUWSA ELECTIONS

VUWSA hosted its annual Candidates Forum in the Hub last week, with candidates for the 2014 Executive elections getting the chance to win the votes of students. In case you missed the ‘excitement’, what follows is Salient’s breakdown of each candidate’s speeches. You can vote for your chosen candidates from Monday 30 September, with voting staying open until Thursday 3 October. Instructions and online voting links will be emailed out to VUWSA members on Monday.

Sonya Clark Sonya Clark spoke on four key points: education quality; relationships with Council members to achieve fairer fares and a rental-housing warrant of fitness; VUWSA’s financial future, and being friendly, approachable and accessible.

She continually returned to her strengths: experience in the face of VUWSA’s challenges, and institutional knowledge. Sonya was critical of NZUSA, but emphasised the need to maintain a national student voice. She would take notice on wider issues to ensure VUWSA had a mandate.

On financial sustainability, Sonya spoke on her plans for a financial review, with the lostproperty service and VUWSA’s annual $22,000 contribution to Student Job Search being mooted as possible cuts. Though Sonya seemed to struggle to deliver her points in a charismatic and confident manner, this was unwarranted: she had the crowd’s support, and knew the issues she spoke about inside-out.

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President

VS.

Thomas Maharaj Thomas Maharaj came out firing with a loud, confident and charismatic delivery. While experience has been his weak point (not having had any involvement with VUWSA before), he rattled off organisations and positions he’d held within Youth Groups, and said he was “experienced” and “ready” to get stuff starting at the top of VUWSA. His key platforms were cheaper transport, introducing University certifications for up-to-scratch flats and landlords, making VUWSA financially sustainable, and enhancing services like counselling. He fell out of crowd favour when he appeared to be unclear on what ‘LGBT’ stood for, but claimed LGBT students were treated equally and any students who felt they were not getting a fair go could talk to him as President. Thomas admitted he lacked knowledge of the University management structures VUWSA interacts with, but said having little experience didn't mean he couldn't achieve policy goals. When asked on how he would improve education, he stated his primary concern was getting students to University in the first place through affordable transport.

>>> salient.org.nz

Rāwinia Thompson, the sole candidate for this position, spoke on the need for more courses following cuts in funding in certain areas.

Rāwinia spoke on the need for fee increases to translate into higher quality of education.

Citing the University’s top research ranking, she said research should not come at the expense of lecturers teaching students. While she stumbled slightly in her response to a question on supporting Māori and Pasifika students, she presented a strong case overall on why she should build on her current work as Education Officer.

Welfare Vice-President Current Vice-President (Welfare) Rick Zwaan is running against no confidence to continue his role, after being promoted from Wellbeing and Sustainability Officer in a by-election in August.

Rick has campaigned for VUWSA on fairer fares and healthy homes, and believes this experience will allow him to build on these issues in 2014.

He also focussed on next year’s Student Services Levy review and on the Food Bank, but his strong institutional knowledge and detailed answers to questions went over the heads of a lot of the lessVUWSA-minded audience.

Engagement Vice-President After the withdrawal of two candidates, Declan Doherty-Ramsay will be running against no confidence. He described himself as an active organiser, with credentials across volunteer and representative groups. He stated an aim to get Clubs back from University management, who are currently in control of all Victoria’s Clubs, though didn’t have a plan how to as yet. Along with many candidates this year and in previous years, Declan promised to expand VUWSA’s presence to satellite campuses—including Karori.

Salient is still not sure why.

Treasurer Jordan Lipski was another candidate hoping to beat no confidence, in this case to become Treasurer. Jordan cited his experience as a Treasurer for a University Club and advocated for transparency and efficiency, hoping to make 2014’s Budget available online for the first time since 2011. He suggested he would cut the salaries of the President and Vice-Presidents, despite the Exec-meeting awkwardness this would create, but didn’t state a definite position salient.org.nz <<<

on NZUSA membership which currently costs about as much as half those positions combined.

Equity Officer Madeleine Ashton-Martyn was the first candidate to speak, on a platform of increased communication and structural changes to ensure better representation for all minority groups.

She will be hoping to continue a tradition of successful blue-haired candidates, after current Equity Officer Matthew Ellison’s 2012 hairdye efforts helped put him in the job. Joshua Tan Chong Hui spoke next, with enthusiasm unrivalled by anything at the forum except for the rush for pizza at the end. He vowed to have Te Reo used at VUWSA events and for a public campaign for sign language, and definitely won the crowd’s vote. Quan Nguyen admitted he was “really, really nervous” following Joshua’s speech, and struggled to get his policies across.

Nate Lewis had a small but vocal support group, and reinforced a commitment to serving minority groups and making voices heard.

13 SA 20 W U V ION T EC EL

Academic Vice-President

Keating took less of an outward focus, instead looking at University issues like flats, transport, and counselling services. Alasdair promised inclusivity, and a non-partisan approach to seeking reforms to NZUSA, while still maintaining a national voice.

Education Officer Education Officer is being contested by two candidates: Ravi Ratnam and Caroline Thirsk.

Both channelled former Education Officer Gemma Swan’s unexplainable passion for the job, though Ravi managed to earn the crowd’s support by doing so in less words. Caroline offered a fresh perspective, after coming to New Zealand from South Africa relatively recently.

Wellbeing & Sustainability Officer Steph Gregor spoke on being tricked into joining Gen Zero in first year, and advocated for healthy homes and mental-health services. It’s currently unclear who tricked her into running for VUWSA. Two of the other candidates, Casey Diver and Jordan Millburn, did not speak at the forum.

Clubs Officer David Rektorys cited his involvement in, and passion for, Clubs at Victoria, but drew shock from the crowd when questioned on his failed attempts to hold a Miss Campus competition earlier this year.

While he apologised for the misunderstanding of his intentions and for any offence caused, the selfdescribed “bit of a douche” didn’t win any votes by maintaining he wasn’t sexist as Miss Campus was recognising the University has “not only smart girls, but also pretty ones”.

Toby Cooper, who has thankfully dropped last year’s ‘Super Duper’ campaign platform, cited the importance of fundraising. However, he did not appear overly enthusiastic about getting control of Clubs back off the University.

Elizabeth Bing spoke on her strong history in clubs and sponsorship management with VUWSA and the University, and made a case for increasing access through addressing transport costs.

Campaigns Officer Nathaniel Manning promised a keen focus on the 2014 General Election, to hold political parties to account for students. While he admitted he did hold left-wing views—sure to be a real gamechanger for student politics—he advocated a bipartisan approach to election issues. Alasdair

Publications Committee Publications Committee has four candidates running for two student representative positions.

Molly McCarthy promised to “twerk hard”, and cited her institutional knowledge having been involved with Salient since 2009. She promised more Committee meetings and advocated a long-term view. Carlo Salizzo, another candidate with long-term involvement, also wanted more meetings and increased contact with next year’s editors, in addition to “cold beer”, “dusty boots”, and “[not] not respecting the zone”. David Alsop cited his experience on University Council, and spent approximately half of his speech rattling off the impressive array of degrees he is currently racking up. Lucas Davies spoke about providing representation rather than expertise, but struggled to enunciate his ideas in his speech with a major faux pas coming as he claimed Salient was both funny and intelligent.

While Publications Committee will not have control of the VBC unless the 2014 VUWSA Executive decides to delegate control to the Committee, some candidates were asked for their views. Speaking on the VBC, both David and Molly looked at ways to improve access, and said they would wait for the results of this year’s referendum on continued funding before giving any definitive answers. Carlo and Lucas were not asked about the VBC. 9

NEWS



INSANITY ON CAMPUS 'Proven but insane' suits Sensible Sentencing Trust Well Steph Trengrove

The Sensible Sentencing Trust (SST) is lobbying for changes in the way that mentally ill people who commit serious crime and their victims are dealt with by the legal system.

situations such as this by pushing for an increase in the number of designated psychiatric hospitals so that mentally ill offenders can be securely accommodated in appropriate facilities.

released. They have no right to know what the killer’s diagnosis and prognosis is, or when or if they are having unescorted community leave,” said David Garrett, a lawyer on the panel.

After a year of preparation by the Trust, the proposal was put to public discussion for the first time last Monday night at an event at Victoria University. The discussion was led by a panel of victims, lawyers, psychiatrists, and MP Louise Upston, who intends to bring about policy change in this area.

They also want offenders acquitted by reason of insanity instead committed under the label “proven but insane”. The Trust says this is not about punishing those who are found legally insane at the time of the killing, but about getting justice for victims. Under the current law, mentally ill offenders are acquitted when they lack the mental ‘intent’ to commit the crime.

While the Trust does not want to punish mentally ill people unduly, it argues that the existing legal framework fails victims.

Victoria student and JustSpeak coordinator Lydia Nobbs described the proposal as a “fundamentally bad idea”.

According to Ministry of Justice figures, the number of ‘not guilty by reason of insanity’ verdicts has risen by almost 600 per cent since 2000: a cause of concern for SST. Spokesman Graeme Moyle believes the rise has been caused by deficiencies within the current mental-health system, and said the SST is seeking to rectify

“Victims of the criminally insane have no status in the justice system, no right to be informed, even about when their loved one’s killer is to be

“In many cases it means the defendant will end up in treatment under the care of the state for much longer; it's a difficult defence to prove, and the Courts are pretty careful around allowing it.

“The reason the defence currently exists is similar to the reasons we don't hold a toddler guilty of a crime,” said Nobbs.

For more information about the Sensible Sentencing Trust and this lobby, visit their website.

You can follow Martin Doyle's cartoons on Twitter: @Mart_cartoons 10

>>> salient.org.nz

 NEWS

STUDENTS GIVEN ENGLISH LESSON Speeches still everyone's least favourite part of English Catherine Gaffaney

Penniless students were given the chance to find out why they have no money last week at a talk by the head of the nation’s finances himself.

Victoria University graduate, Finance Minister and acting Prime Minister the Honourable Bill English came to University to speak to students about his daily job of managing New Zealand’s state assets, businesses and investments—a portfolio worth $250 billion.

The event was hosted by the Business and Investment Club (BIC) and attended by 120 students. English explained his role and the state of the economy by discussing housing and state asset sales.

When talking about asset sales, English described them as "not selling the family silver, but selling one teaspoon out of the set," because they are such a small portion of New Zealand's portfolio.

To him, public-private partnerships are not about having the government run by a company, but about best managing resources as the public sector needs core skills of the private sector to work effectively. With regard to a rental

salient.org.nz <<<

warrant of fitness, English said it was “being looked into”.

“It is a matter of finding a balance between affordability and quality," he said of the scheme.

On tertiary study, English said it is the combination of being able to understand commercial aspects (through Commerce study) and the context of political arguments (through Arts) that has got him to the position he is in today.

English was very impressed with the event. He told Salient the attendance and organisation were “amazing”.

Another student commended Mr English's sound economic reasoning and was pleased Mr English didn't just go for emotional appeal.

President of BIC David Rektorys was stoked with how the event went, as a lot of work went into organising it, including two weeks of solid promoting, saying he “[couldn’t] wait for the next event".

A video of the talk will be available for students who missed out on the event on the BIC's Facebook page.

“It was good the students asked such serious questions that were thoughtful and in some cases quite challenging."

One student Salient spoke to said he felt quite “emotional” following the talk.

"I'm not sure I should comment on the political content, because I don't agree with it. It was, however, informative and interesting to hear Mr English's financial perspective."

11

NEWS



IT'S NOT ALL FUN AND GAMES Except for this. This time it is.

VUWSA’s inagural Faculty Games took place last week, with teams from each of the eight Faculties competing across four sports over two days. Over 200 Students teamed off and played each other at basketball, netball, touch, and seven-aside soccer, with prizes available for the winning teams in each sport and for the overall winning Faculty. At the time Salient went to print, the Games had not finished, but we predict sports to be the winner of the day.

this week's

ions

iPredict is a prediction market run by Victoria University that has hundreds of stocks on economic, political and social outcomes. The following predictions are supplied by iPredict and may have changed since Salient went to print.

To try your luck go to ipredict.co.nz.

Sonya Clark to be Next VUWSA President

98%

thomas maharaj to be Next VUWSA President

2%

YOUR STUDENTS’

ASSOCIATION

VUWSA to vote to leave NZUSA

90% Trevor Mallard to retire at next General Election

71%

Labour to win next election

50% 12

>>> salient.org.nz

 NEWS

HOW COULD WE HAVE KNOWN? Law students have always been so quiet on study stress!

Hilary Beattie

Having to get up early to stand in line at Country Road sales is not the only source of stress for Law students, according to the results of a recent study.

addressing high stress levels and incidence of mental illness in its students, concerns backed up by the study.

New Zealand Law Students’ Association (NZLSA) surveyed 880 students from each of the country’s six law schools, in an attempt to gain a picture of Law students’ mental health. More than a quarter of students surveyed said that they had developed a clinical mental-health problem since being at University.

“These are disappointing, although unsurprising, results. But now that we have some home-grown evidence on the table, NZLSA can properly commit its time and resources to addressing this problem,” said NZLSA President Seamus Woods.

Half the students surveyed saw legal study as a contributing factor to their mental-wellbeing issues, and one in six considered it a direct cause.

Regarding stress, 63.5 per cent of those surveyed considered their high stress levels as coming “mainly from being a student”. Legal study was considered a direct cause of stress by 40 per cent of students, and a contributing factor by a further 50 per cent, while 23 per cent attributed their stress mainly to other areas of their life.

Among the most stressful factors of studying Law were high expectations for top grades, the pressure of finding a job after law school, the number of readings, time required by study, and pressures exerted by other Law students.

The NZLSA is increasingly concerned with

LOL NEWS CHROFLIS MCLOLNTYRE

APPLOL A fake advertisement telling Apple-owners that updating to iOS 7 would make their iPhones waterproof has led to a number of people ruining their iPhones. The ad, which tells users that iOS 7 has a “smart switch” which cuts off power supply when it detects water, circulated online last week. A number of users turned to Twitter following their failed experiments with water, with tweets such as "Whoever said iOS 7 was waterproof fuck you", and "OK whoever said iOS 7 is waterproof GO FUCK YOURSELF”.

MAN’S BEST FRIEND The South Carolinian winner of a Powerball salient.org.nz <<<

The Victoria Law Students’ Society (VUWLSS) blamed the “competitive and intense” nature of legal study for the prevalence of high stress and mental-health issues. Salient spoke to a Law student who confirmed this, saying Law was a unique study environment.

“I think that all study is stressful, but yeah, law school seems to be pretty adept at making you feel like everyone else is doing better than you.”

VUWLSS is running Wellness Week until Friday down at Pipitea, aiming to promote awareness of mental health in a non-confrontational way and enhance general happiness before the upcoming exam period. Copies of the recently published NZLSA/DLA Phillips Fox Mental Wellness Guidebook for New Zealand Law Students are readily available.

jackpot close to $400 million has admitted he told his dog after the victory, but has not yet confirmed whether he has told his wife. The man bought the winning ticket when his wife asked him to pick up some hot dogs. When the service station he had stopped at had no hot dogs, he decided to buy a $20 Powerball ticket instead. The man has chosen to stay anonymous.

It remains unclear whether hot-dog buns were successfully purchased.

MISOG-MONKEY A male gorilla at a zoo in Dallas has been declared too misogynist to be allowed near other gorillas. Patrick, a 200 kg western lowland gorilla, will be moved to his own quarters in South Carolina—more than 1500 km away—after biting and sneering at female gorillas. Patrick only engaged with one gorilla, named Jabari.

In 2004, Jabari was shot dead by police after escaping and injuring three people, which means LOL News is over.

stay classy, world Though 2.3 million people were infected last year, HIV is finally starting to look positive: the UN has announced infection rates have fallen by a third since 2001.

A corpse thought to be 4000 years old has been discovered in Ireland, having been preserved in peat since his death.

The man’s exact age is not known, but is thought to be Bronze.

Syria is to hand over its chemical weapons to be destroyed, probably by Russian soldiers. Citizens are said to be relieved at the news that they will go back to being killed in acceptable ways.

The Presidents of Iran and the United States are looking likely to attempt to patch up relations between the two states. Salient would normally suggest flowers, but given the frosty history, jewellery might be more appropriate.

Speaking of Jane, a recent protest for marijuana reform has revealed the best argument against it is in fact the protesters themselves. Onlookers described the march as “disorganised” and “incoherent”, with some noticing the group appeared to forget where it was marching to.

headlines that weren't Men sail boats better than other men on different boat No redeeming features in failed voucher company Fish and Chip University provides degrees Talks with Iran stall as Obama refers to himself as the Harlem Sheikh Prime Minister can only be divided by one and himself, declares mathematician 13

POLITICS 

P O L I

left Lol-cal Politics

By Carla Marks In the 2010 Wellington City Council election, just 40 per cent of eligible voters in our fine city bothered to cast a vote to determine who would be elected as Mayor, councillors, DHB members or regional councillors. Dismal turnout is a feature of localgovernment elections all over New Zealand, showing that perhaps councils’ focus on rates, rats and rubbish doesn’t have the appeal of central-government elections. We are spoilt for choice when it comes to candidates, but talent is spread thin, and the veils covering the sexism and craziness of some candidates are even thinner.

Letters from a young contrarian

By Cam Price Dear Reader,

Challenging Celia Wade-Brown is John Morrison, washed-up cricketer and commentator who is now taking a crack at the mayoralty, campaigning on a platform of moustaches, sports and sexism. Morrison’s campaign showed promise in the early stages; he led an enthusiastic campaign while Celia pedalled backwards. He was the answer to Wellington’s woes, the silver fox here to rehabilitate the city after Celia’s failure to, well, do anything. However, his popularity was short-lived after a joke about showering with a painted model exposed him as just another sexist old white dude running for office. It wasn’t long before he became a sexist old white turnout-suppressing dude as well, after Salient exposed his efforts to prevent a ballot box being located at Kelburn campus. Of course, bad news comes in threes, and just days after ballot papers were delivered it was discovered that Morrison sent different variations of campaign material to voters—a shopping theme for females, and sports-focussed for men.

A week on and it still hurts. Being on the wrong end of the greatest sports comeback in history, while competing for the world’s oldest international sporting trophy, hurts.

Contrary to Stuff.co.nz’s shameful reporting, we didn’t ‘choke’. We were just beaten by a better boat. In the world of America’s Cup yachting, a better boat can only be bought by big bucks—each team spent $100 million getting their boats on the water.

The Auld Mug has turned into the Gold Mug. Team New Zealand was able to raise this money partly as a result of securing sponsorship from Emirates, but also thanks to a $36 million funding grant from the New Zealand Government. That’s a lot of money. Is it justified?

Fortunately for Morrison, while his campaign might be going down the gurgler, his main opponent is hardly running a campaign at all. Celia has been showing up to community meetings, but has been almost invisible around the city. Her campaign at least is an accurate reflection of her mayoralty— totally ineffective. This race is far from over, and, like 2010’s, is likely to be decided by the closest of margins.

Yachting is a luxury sport the Government cannot afford. Children in South Auckland live in abject poverty. Third-world diseases like mumps and rubella should not be prevalent in a civilised country, but they are. Our children are dying of completely preventable diseases and yet John Key prioritises yachts over tots. It is a moral failing of the government to be sacrificing the most vulnerable members of society on the altar of yachting: a sport which is almost exclusively the domain of rich white men.

Of course, the race to be the Mayor is relatively tame, compared to the battle to win Council seats. Particular highlights include Bryan "PEPTALKS" Pepperell, whose campaign includes feature-length YouTube videos where he narrates his breakfast and analyses neoliberal banking models, and Don McDonald, whose official profile is somewhere between a stream of consciousness and a random selection of words, thrown at a page.

While the selection in this election might be one of choosing the lesser of many evils, it is important. VUWSA has run excellent campaigns on improving rental housing and student bus fares, and your vote can make those ideas reality. The choices might be bleak, but the outcome is important for student life in our city. Vote, and vote wisely.

14

NO:

We should give the money to a more deserving sport. On the same day we lost the boat race, our national women’s football team won the Valais Cup, beating football giants China and Brazil to get there. They get a measly $800,000 a year.

Give them some more money so that we can be the best country in the world at the most popular sport in the world. Or we should just direct the money to the

grassroots level of sailing: allow children from all backgrounds to have a go at optimist yachting.

YES: Unless you are someone who believes in the privatisation of playgrounds, it is commonsense to conceive of a Government that funds more than just the basics. That is the reality of most governments around the world. They are there to foster culture; to shape and mould identity. They can make our lives cooler. Here in New Zealand we fund the All Blacks, the Rugby World Cup, TV On Air, The Hobbit, Shortland Street, Lorde, Te Papa and so on, all in the name of giving our nation a personality that we can be proud of. Emirates Team New Zealand is a part of that.

Sometimes, you have to spend money to make money. Had we won, our investment would have paid a handsome dividend.

Auckland’s Viaduct would have played host to the next regatta, and the money brought in by tourism alone would far outweigh the money we spent. As it is, we still reap massive economic benefits. Exposure in international news publications is huge— we get on the cover of The New York Times.

We shouldn’t underestimate the power of business networking, and the regatta allows New Zealand companies to buddy up to wealthy investors.

MAYBE: With the Government’s support, New Zealand has become a powerhouse in world sailing. Oracle’s boat was built here by a New Zealand company. Their sailing crew had eight New Zealanders, compared with only two Americans. We pretty much did win the Cup. But now that we have steered such a great course, perhaps its time we take a different tack.

>>> salient.org.nz

 POLITICS

T I C S

right A Third Term for National

By Freddie Hayek Up until a month ago, the 2014 election was in the bag for National. I am going to argue that in fact, it still is possible for National to win, and handsomely. The focus of the media has been on the new leader of the Labour circus, and now that they have picked a new clown in the form of David Cunliffe, the focus should rightly turn back to the Government. But how can National win in the MMP environment?

Tweets and Twats @johnkeypm Bugger. #AmericasCup @stevenljoyce What he said “@johnkeypm: Bugger. #AmericasCup” @patrickgowernz John Key says he did not press button on 'bugger' tweet. He said "bugger" and got his press secretary to tweet it. #bugger @tauhenare Shit happens, next sporting endeavour please. #KiaKaha @DanCarter Very proud of @EmiratesTeamNZ tough to take right now but @ OracleTeamUSA to fast & too much much money @fastercamels I don't see why you people would want an '#AmericasCup' any way after what Ben Affleck did to us in Argo. #NeverForget

CAPTION CONTEST Last week's winner:

Best caption wins a free coffee at:

Email editor@salient.org. nz to submit your caption!

"Newly Elected PM inspects "australian produce" for Future Exports."

Corey

salient.org.nz <<<

The first problem that National must surmount is a potential revival in the strength of the Labour Party. Cunliffe’s ascension to the post he has coveted since he was at University appears on the surface to be bad for National.

However, his poll honeymoon resulted in a huge, gigantic, positively mammoth…one-per-cent poll bounce. Cunliffe also botched his reshuffle, by not punishing his enemies severely enough and promoting some seriously moronic MPs who supported him to the front bench. While Nanaia Mahuta may at least be able to win a seat, she was hopeless as education spokesperson under Shearer. Sue Moroney is electoral rat poison: in every electorate contest she has run in, her National Party opponent has increased their personal vote substantially. I hope for the sake of the National Party these MPs get lots of airtime.

The second problem is coalition partners, or lack of them.

MMP is like the Year 13 Ball: you need a date or you lose the game. Going into government will eventually destroy coalition partners: going into government with Labour destroyed the Alliance and New Zealand First. At the 2011 election, ACT went from five MPs to one. The Māori Party went from five MPs to three. United Dunne has no future, except for in bow-tie promotion. It is a serious possibility that ACT, Māori and United Future will not make it into Parliament after 2014, leaving National with no partners.

Labour, the Greens and Mana (shudder) might be the government by default.

There are two ways around this. Split the National Party into a Rural Conservative Party and an Urban Conservative Party. Together, they would get more than 50 per cent of the vote. This is what happens in Australia, making the forces of conservatism dominant. There is another option. A short man, who likes a cheeky smoke and a whisky. A point-of-order pro.

The man who has helped two governments win third terms, then brought them down. Winston Bloody Peters.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

15

CAMPUS DIGEST



CAMPUS DIGEST get amongst "the best" VUW Confessions #730 Anon. Dear girl next to me in the library, please stop reading my essay over my shoulder and continue looking at bottles of shampoo online. You're making me nervous #729 anon please, Thomas Maharaj came to my room on Monday night whilst I was 8 beers deep into a red card punishment for not drinking on Saturday. So other than the fact that he walked in on me drinking solo in my room checking out Babe of the Day pages, his composure was unparalleled. Since then, however, I have come to my senses and realised that he was talking a whole pile of shit and I admit that I couldn't take my eyes of that small annoying triangle of hair clinging desperately to his bottom lip. That's all VUW Cupid #788 Girl who walked into Anth 102 late today, with the thick rimmed glasses that sat opposite me with the pretty skirt thing on, you have no idea how ridiculously babing you are, dunno what your name is but jeze i melted when you first walked in!

VUW Cupid II #175 I don't know your name, but you do first year architecture and you look like a tan Roman warrior. The only other way I can think to describe you is you have a gap in your front teeth, which looks a lot sexier than it sounds.

From your admiring Minerva

16

#172 To Sonya, Your babein’ fliers in all my lectures have won me over – who knew student president candidates could look so good? I hope you’ll come and talk to me in the hub this week, but the only question I’ll be asking is – are you single? You’ve got my vote.

Plus you’re way better than that annoying boy in a suit who keeps pushing his fliers in my face. I don’t care if your dad owns Snapper!

Yours with love, Anon. Voter xoxo

He's got my vote!

#188 Anon please To the Indian guy I always see at pip. You're always wearing snap backs and zespys.

Sorry I'm not stalking but when you walk by I literally die inside. You're gorgeous. And tbh you're one of the muscliest Indians I have ever seen! Good god just stop! Yeah you could call me a secret admirer please notice me one day xxx Overheard @ Vic Tahlia Serene Martin Overseen @Vic how to get shit done without stress Erica Abernethy

CAMPUS DIARY Student Wins Sport You Never Knew Existed!

Victoria University, already home to New Zealand’s best research, can now claim “New Zealand’s Best Fingerbreaker” amongst its achievements, too. Earlier this month, Law student Yemo Guo donned a pair of tiny shoes, and let his fingers do the walking… all the way to South Korea. Winning enough votes to take out the top spot in the Red Bull-run competition, Guo will represent New Zealand at the Fingerbreakin’ World Championships in South Korea in November.

>>> salient.org.nz

 CAMPUS DIGEST

Top Ten

PROBING THE PUNTERS

Worst First Date Ideas

Salient conducted an extensive study of the lunchtime rush at the Hub. (n= 25 margin of error: 21.9%)

10. Making a Sex Tape

1. Who will you be voting for to be VUWSA President?

SONYA - 40% THOMAS - 60%

9. The Blue Zone 8. Shalimar Karaoke 7. The Law School Common Room 6. Zeal

NOT VOTING - 40% 2. Do you think VUWSA should stay a member of NZUSA?

? YES 1 2%

NO 20%

WHAT? 68%

3. Do you think VUWSA should continue to fund the VBC?

? YOUR STUDENTS’

5. The VUWSA Candidates’ Forum 4. Dramatic Course

ASSOCIATION

YES 40%

NO 20%

WHAT? 40%

4. Do you know what LGBT stands for?

Outline Readings 3. The Beehive Tour NO 20%

YES 80%

2. The backseat of

5. Would you rather VUWSA:

your mum’s Yaris 1. Crystal Meth GET A CAT 76%

OR A DOG 24%

carlo salizzo @louderthoughts

salient.org.nz <<<

17

FEATURES • ϟ

when sonya met thomas

Thoma Maharaj 21

Sonya Clark

2nd year

22

BA in Public Policy and

3rd year

International Relations

BA in English and Sociology

From Wellington

From Hastings

Previously involved in Young

No political affiliation

Labour

Why are you running for VUWSA President?

Thomas: Because I see the needs of students, and I see those needs in some respect not being met.

I believe I’m in the best position to advocate on behalf of the student body for fairer fares, and for warm, dry, and safe homes. And I also have the policies that I’ve had looked over by decision makers.

What are the needs that are not being met?

T: Things that I’m seeing are our key core services.

When you say ‘our’ do you mean VUWSA’s or the University’s?

18

T: Sorry, the University’s. But I believe that if you’re President of VUWSA you will have a greater degree to advocate on behalf of all students for the necessity services that could benefit their well-being.

So what are the ones that are not being met?

T: Counseling's a big one, I think about 10 per cent of Victoria students use it, and it’s important that we make sure that it’s adequately funded.

And there’s a service review next year, that’s really inspired me to get engaged with VUWSA because we have a little bit of a say in that decision making process to get students a better deal.

What are your visions or priorities for what you’d like

to see changed?

Students are paying the service levy fee, but they want to know where their money’s going and actually know what that money is getting put into when it comes to key core services. One of the other things is welfare, and I think if you come up with some sort of financial plan to enhance the profits that vuwsa is getting then you can actually do more for students. And it’s about finding adequate ways of getting financial assistance for VUWSA, and working with that to benefit things like welfare at satellite campuses.

Sonya, why are you running for VUWSA President?

Sonya: I’m running for VUWSA President because in my year on VUWSA I’ve learnt a lot, and there’s a lot of things I want to keep working

>>> salient.org.nz

on and change for 2014. I have the experience as Academic Vice-President, with working with students, staff, student media, and a range of representative groups in making sure that students are heard at Victoria. I’ve also gained a really good knowledge of VUWSA’s position and where it needs to go in the future. And I think that I’m best placed to lead VUWSA for 2014.

What do you think needs to be changed or built on?

S: I think that for VUWSA, the finances is an issue. Our current financial position is that we’re living off the income from lockers, the income from carparks, grants from the VUWSA Trust and contracts with the University which often come up short. This is not a sustainable way to live, it’s not a sustainable way for VUWSA to go into the future and I think that there needs to be a clear financial strategy articulated that will have a plan on how to best use the reserves that VUWSA has, to make sure we’re not so dependent on the University for income. Otherwise we compromise our ability to speak for students when we’re meant to be holding to account the same people that fund us.

Yes, but how are you going to do it? Pay someone? Talk to students? Change the Facebook page?

I think something we’ve lacked to do in the past is advertising—a lot of students don’t know where the free bread is; a lot of students do not know that we have a food bank. Satellite campuses is one thing—we don’t advertise at a lot of satellite campuses. If we can get the message out to them; even if it’s just things like posters in the libraries that advertise where the welfare is, or if you set up a helpline that students can engage with which students know how to get to because it’s advertised everywhere around campus.

Negotiating with the University, but staying strong to VUWSA’s values.

And I’m absolutely capable of that.

Where do you expect to get this financial plan from?

S: I think an external review needs to be done from VUWSA, so whether that’s Deloitte or that sort of thing. If we’re using our reserves currently to fuel our operations, they could be much better used looking at that long term stuff, so I’m looking at an external review. I also think [the Publications Committee] should do a comprehensive review of the advertising for [XXXITALICSXXX: Salient] and the VBC for the next ongoing years… It needs to be externally done, working with our current management and also the VUWSA Trust.

Advice, essentially.

------------------------Thomas, what do you see as the greatest challenge facing VUWSA at the moment?

salient.org.nz <<<

T: Communication. I bring this up because the election was delayed, the election [was pushed out for three days] and yet we could not find three people to fill positions as one decent proposed candidate for a position on the executive. I think we need an executive that’s going to be reflective of the people at the University, and it’s got to be an executive that students know what it’s actually going to do for them. Voluntary Student Membership, since it was enacted in 2011—we need to ensure that

—Sonya the university students’ association is going to do for them, what we are doing as a whole and the vision we have for students going forward.

Communication is obviously something that VUWSA has been criticised on for a number of years, do you have any plans, ideas or strategies on how to engage VUWSA with the thousands and thousands, and thousands of students who don’t know—or give a fuck— about what it does?

I think I will say this election this time round has probably gained a lot more traction than what a usual election does, which is something positive in that respect. Advocation [sic]. When [students] see that the association is doing things for them on their behalf, they’re more likely to get engaged with it.

Obviously advertising costs money, but VUWSA doesn’t have much—how do you plan to fund this?

T: I think it’s about time that VUWSA starts going beyond its horizons and finds new sources of income. The way things are currently, VUWSA’s only got five or ten years left in its lifespan. That’s really sad. We can turn this around. We’ve got to negotiate contracts to ensure things like O-Week; if we can outsource those events and get them out to a wider range of people, we could have better events; cheaper tickets; bigger venues.

Another thing I am optimistic about—and it’s just an idea, and would need to be consulted with students—is to charge a $30, one-off fee to join VUWSA. But it’s just an idea.

Sonya, what do you see as the greatest challenge facing VUWSA at the moment?

S: I think finances is one of the greatest challenges.

Why are they important?

S: If we don’t have a plan for the finances in another 5-10 years we would have kept eating into our deficit and we won’t have a VUWSA anymore. And I think it’s really important that VUWSA is still around, to still do welfare services, to speak up for students, to run

19

FEATURES • ϟ

campaigns on things that matter, and to still serve students at Victoria. I think it’s important that VUWSA is here in ten years, and that’s why I think finances is possibly one of the most pressing issues.

Why would an executive that you lead be any different to the Executive this year, that you’ve been a Vice-President on, which hasn’t really done anything about finances?

S: Some of the things we have done this year: coming up with a three year funding proposal for the University, which hasn’t happened previously.

So we’re negotiating a good financial future for VUWSA at the moment.

We’ve also had much more free and frank conversations with the University about where gaps are in funding, and what we will be prepared to walk away from if funding gaps are not met. So that might be lost property, orientation—if not enough money is there then I think we need to have some lines put down.

values. And I’m absolutely capable of that.

---------------------Having been a student at Vic, what things would you like to change in your role as VUWSA President—what could the University be doing differently?

S: We’ve just performed really well in the PBRF, but teaching and learning needs to be improved upon. There’s lots of great academic staff, but they’re under a lot of pressure to produce research outputs. There are tutorials that are gradually fading away, especially in the Arts, and I think that that is something Victoria needs to improve on.

That said, it’s also an issue with most New Zealand universities.

The student experience is a major thing.

Otago obviously sees value in the student experience and value in creating a student culture where people are really proud to be from that University—our University needs to work on that as well.

I see the needs of students, and I see those needs in some respect not being met.

—thomas

The University obviously holds pretty much all the power in this, and it requires a bit a politics from VUWSA to steer those negotiations... Are you confident you can get a better deal for VUWSA than what it’s getting now?

S: Yep, I am. I think the important thing about politics with University management is having a good relationship, in the sense that you can be straight with each other but there’s a mutual respect there. I think I’ve built that up through the student representation review, by working with a lot of the staff that decide these things.

Negotiating, but staying strong to VUWSA’s

20

T: The one thing I pointed out was underfunding key core services. The University is underfunding services to a certain extent—like I said, students wait three weeks for a counsellor—and that’s one of the reasons why I ran this campaign.

So you want to advocate for the Uni to provide more services?

T: Yes, for students.

S: So Tommy, you say that the University isn’t doing services well enough, and that’s funded by the Student Services Levy. If you want really really good services, do you then support a significant increase in the Student Services Levy, because counsellors are obviously quite

expensive? Students said in the last round of consultation that they wanted more counselling, but they also wanted a lower Levy.

T: When I look at what’s more important, I see students that need to go to a counsellor, and that service not being met. There needs to be a reallocation of service funding—that could be taken into account when we review it next year. It’s one of my dreams to be a part of that.

---------------------It’s election year next year: what are the tertiary education issues that parties needs to be addressing next year?

S: We’ve got student support—that’s loans, allowances, and student hardship—students are working longer hours than ever. On the other hand we have general funding for the tertiary sector. The average government contribution per student in all subjects except science and engineering (I believe) since 2012 have been frozen at those levels. Costs are rising; universities are receiving less funding, and I think that the universities and the students’ associations need to be speaking up about that.

T: There are a lot of students from separated families, and students have one parent who earns a big income, and one parent who earns a low income. Generally, once you go to University, you’re not going to get the funding from the Government, and let’s just say your Dad didn’t give you funding—this happened to me for a couple of years—so what are you left with? I had to drop out of Massey because I could not afford to go to University. I got the loan costs, but paying rent and everything else, and having no support was really hard.

So your issue is around who is eligible for student allowance—you think that’s

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the biggest thing the government needs to change?

T: It’s the way they assess eligibility—I’ve seen parents who go overseas and live in Fiji and own big sugar plantations, and because the parents are overseas, that’s zero income, so the student gets a student allowance—plus their parents are supporting them. How would we look into new ways of working out parents’ sources of income? I see that as really important.

And tertiary education funding cuts as well.

Do you support interest on student loans?

Sonya: No Thomas: No Would you advocate for the Government to repeal VSM? Sonya: Yes Thomas: Yes Would you get a VUWSA cat?

Sonya: No Thomas: No If you could have any act of your choice at O-Week 2014, who would it be?

Sonya: Beyonce Thomas: Jay-Z]

salient.org.nz <<<

THE BRIEF Remix or mashup NZ open content or data. Use it to unleash a visualisation, a piece of writing, a video or any other creation to tell your story.

UP FOR GRABS You’ll be in to win a Showcase Award of $500 as well as a $2000 Supreme Storytelling Award and the chance to exhibit your work at the National Library of New Zealand.

Submission deadline is 5pm 8th November 2013 Find all the details at www.mixandmash.org.nz

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FEATURES • ϟ

HOPELESS 12 Twelve Hours in Wellington’s "Best Bar" Overheard in the gents': "Oi can someone get with my mate?

She's pretty hot and it's her 21st" #hopeless12 #romance

By Penny Gault For the entirety of my university life, Hope Bros has been somewhat of an institution.

While the music has changed from dirty dubstep that I never worked out how to dance to, to hip-hop causing girls to fall on the floor from dropping too low, to comfortable Top-40 remixes, the sticky carpets, sweaty bodies and smashed glasses on the Hope Bros dance flo’ are always a guarantee. While first-year

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institutions like The Big K and DTL have closed their doors and the clientele at Mighty Mighty persist in an uncomfortable level of selfawareness, Hope Bros has continued to provide a reliable space for meaningless grinding and tabletop dancing that wavers somewhere between ironic and tragic.

Perhaps it’s the handy location—right next door to Dreamgirls; the nostalgic quality warranted by its proximity to older students’

first-year haunt, The Big Kumara; or purely the fact that you’re guaranteed at least one boogie to the Macarena or a Backstreet Boys song—whatever the reason for patronage, it’s standard to find yourself in Hope Bros at least once on a Saturday night. And if we don’t have a Hope Bros story of our own, we’ve all definitely heard one. Personally, Hope Bros has provided me with a mixed bag of experiences over the past four years. During the Rugby World Cup in 2011, I had my drink spiked by a bearded Irishman. Somehow, even that wasn’t enough to stop me chanting “Hope Bros! Hope Bros!” as my friends drunkenly wandered from Good Luck to Mighty Mighty on a Saturday night. Last year, after a birthday shout-out from the DJ, a guy appeared and

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ϟ • FEATURES

laughed at my attempt to dance to ‘Gangnam Style’. A few months later, he became my boyfriend—like many before us, “we found love in a [Hope Bros] place.”

Given my unabashed love of anything mainstream, not to mention free drinks on Salient, I was quick to accept the challenge of hanging out in “Wellington’s [self-proclaimed] best bar” for 12 hours. Perhaps I should have given the task more consideration before responding with an enthusiastic, irrevocable “YES!” While most of us experience Hope Bros post–10 pm, the bar opens at 11 am— God knows why. I’m sure even the additional patronage of our group of ‘journalists’ wouldn’t have been enough to pay the seemingly endless stream of staff emerging from behind the bar. At 3.03 pm, I entered Hope Bros alone.

I introduced myself to the staff and explained why I would be there for, well, forever. I promised I had people coming to meet me. “Oh! Are you meeting Paul?”

No… “John?” No… The bartender clearly didn’t understand.

Neither did I, really.

I resisted the urge to yell, “I promise I’m not weird!” and settled down to wait for friends. The cleaner was vacuuming. I considered running away.

and knocked back whisky like it was water.

After considering his thin legs and sneans, we decided he was an alcoholic. So was everyone else in the bar pre–10 pm. There was no other apparent justification for being there, unless you were particularly attached to the soundtrack— ‘N Sync and Phil Collins. Hope Bros’ website professes to have “something for everyone”.

This was evidently true given the motley crew skulking around the bar. In came ‘The Lynx Mob’, five mid-20s dudes wearing too much Lynx and shoes that were too shiny. A 40-ish creepy guy wearing an orange cap, sunglasses and white sneakers who we affectionately named ‘Souljah Boy’ soon followed, flicking his hair and winking at a Salient Co-Editor. A group of dudes in awkward suits accompanied by two women with brightly coloured hair went straight to the bar for tequila shots. Six men

tipped up my glass. Maybe staying ‘til 3 am wasn’t such a bad idea, after all. *** At 10.06 pm, hope was found. A group of freshly intoxicated fresher girls sprinted in and achieved the ultimate goal of the dance floor: get yourself to the highest possible point on stage and shake what yo mamma gave ya. For these girls, this meant disregarding the fact that the ‘stage’ was still in seating mode and covered with cushions while others quietly ate their dinner. I later discovered we’ve all got a bit of Sir Ed in us when it comes to getting to the top of Mt Hope Bros. As the night went on and the dance floor swelled to a writhing sea of sex and warfare, the quest to conquer the stage took on the epic proportions of the tales of Lancelot and Guinevere—the Holy Grail being the tonsils down the back of someone else’s throat. No body is spared, as my friend learned the hard way, being pinned against the stage by an angry girl mob while I desperately clawed at him.

I saw no end to the bleak environment that was Hope Bros pre–10 pm, until suddenly it appeared at the bottom of a Jagerbomb.

The lead-up to 10 pm was, to put it mildly, dire. At 5 pm, staff promised me that it would be “going off in six hours”. I tried to run, but I was stuck there. Literally. The carpet upstairs was so sticky it made me wonder if it was really even navy. We investigated the bathrooms and decided someone had definitely spit on the floor. It was only 5.30 pm. My initial hesitation about eating dinner in Hope Bros was mitigated by the fact that there were six apparently willing people consuming $9 meals. Good food seemed to be the only justification for subjecting oneself to this deserted hellhole.

At 8.16 pm, the bearded man who’d been vacuuming when I arrived stood at the bar

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in wheelchairs rolled in. And then, of course, there was us.

Preparations for the fresher influx began just before 9 pm; meanwhile the dark interior and five hours of drinking beer was taking its toll. At 8.39 pm, I noted: “metal barriers go up outside as ‘Where is the Love?’ by BEP plays. Need to pee. Slightly despairing and questioning life decisions.” I didn’t want to pee, though, after a Salient bathroom reporter announced, “there’s some chunks floating around. Not sure if they were vomit or poo.”

At 9.28 pm, I was the only female patron, as far as I could tell.

I saw no end to the bleak environment that was Hope Bros pre–10 pm, until suddenly it appeared at the bottom of a Jägerbomb. The twinkle of the disco balls caught my eye as I

Within half an hour, Hope Bros had become a jungle. I felt like a parent who takes their kids to the zoo to see the pretty cats, only to be met with lions tearing apart steaks bigger than your arm. Prepubescent-looking boys rubbed their hands together with glee as they scoped the fresh meat. For the baby-faced, it’s best to get in early if you don’t want to be emasculated, as around 11.30 pm, “sexy gang guys” turned up.

Carnal desire was no longer thinly disguised.

A girl dragged a guy into the bathroom and left with her lipstick smudged, though none visible on his face. One creep in a blue shirt repeatedly preyed on practically comatose girls—it was a relief to see girlfriends coming to the rescue and prying his victims away.

Being over 20, I felt like one of the oldest cutting shapes, bar a lone wolf who appeared to be in his 50s bopping along with only his Heineken for company. Perhaps what I was

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feeling was sobriety rather than age. While being comparatively sober in the centre of the dance floor made me realise that it reeked of BO and feet (lesson learned: if you can smell it, you’re too sober for Hope Bros), my journalistic efforts were rewarded by finding $10 on the floor.

Around 1 am, the quest for carnal gratification got desperate. Dude bros left en masse, realising there was nothing here but more dude bros and only a few hours left to find their gazelle. Those who had resolved to stay with me ‘til the end were dropping like flies. I refused to be beaten by Hope Bros, and called in the boyfriend for the remaining hour. While I had initially feared spending the earlier hours alone, I realised that this last stretch was in fact the worst time to be a lone deer sipping from the pond. Until he arrived, I had been feeling smug, thinking that I looked more refined than

all these drunken, sweaty messes leaning on each other and staggering around in stilettos, but I realised I was one too when he asked if I had been crying. My make-up was smudged, my voice was gone, and I smelt like Hope Bros.

We watched minutes tick by on my phone. At 3 am, the music was still going, as were a few lone rangers content in their solitary groove. I ran downstairs and sprinted out the door. There was no way I was staying a minute longer.

As I stood in line waiting for the next available bank teller on Monday morning, I was reminded of my weekend’s antics. The guy before me was getting money out to pay the bar tab for his 21st birthday party. “And who do you want the cheque made out to?”

“Hope Bros.” “Who? I’m sorry, how do you spell that?” The incredulous look on the face of this freshly 21-year-old said it all—how do you spell that?! Who doesn’t know Hope Bros,

I later discovered we’ve all got a bit of Sir Ed in us when it comes to getting to the top of Mt Hope Bros

the place so cheap they don’t bother with a shot glass for your Jägerbomb? Hope Bros, the place where carnal gratification is almost always guaranteed, so long as you aren’t too picky. Hope Bros, where your impressive lyrical knowledge of ‘90s pop ballads grants you unimaginable pulling power. Hope Bros, where all your wildest dreams come true.

Favourite notes from the field 4 pm Text received: "Thanks for joining the Hope Bros Loyalty Club, it's great to have you on board."

10.10 pm "JÄGER BOMB TIME. Lights are off. I think I'm about to become the story of my feature."

12.20 am "Girl in tight dress can’t make it up the stairs lol is she even wearing underwear?”

12.29 am "2.5 hours to go. Losing voice and feeling tired. Go big or go home, Pen." 12.36 am "I found $10 and picked it up.

Thought to self: well, if the story is shit, at least we have this."

1 am "There's a mint on the girls bathroom floor at Hope Bros."

1.48 am "Stag night and hen night meet at Hope Bros; bride- and groom-to-be are grinding on the table. LOVE IS NOT DEAD." 1.50 am "Weird guy ruined it by humping hen."

1.58 am "Is that woman eating a giant chocolate penis?" "No Penny, that's a microphone."

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Advocacy Service ϟ • FEATURES

YOUR STUDENTS’

ASSOCIATION

I’ve been accused of plagiarism.

My assessment has been marked unfairly.

I’ve been told I failed and cannot continue my course.

FREE professional support, advice and information for students ! y a d o t e t a c o v d A ’s Contact VUWSA Kelburn udent Union Building, St 2, l ve Le , on ti ep ec R Visit: VUWSA Campus Email: advocate@vuwsa

.org.nz

5 6214 (or text) 04 1 02 or , 84 69 3 46 4) Phone: (0 www.vuwsa.org.nz t: si vi n io at rm fo in e For mor

salient.org.nz <<<

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FEATURES • ϟ

welcome to shalimar

By Philip McSweeney At the intersection of Willis and Aro Streets resides the Shalimar superette. Here, you can trawl through the relatively incommodious space and find almost any grocery supply you care to—the miraculous amount of goods Shalimar has available encompasses regular dairy fare, fresh flowers, baking goods, piles of biscuits stacked haphazardly atop one another, a shelf of cordials perching precariously above the bread; the whole shebang, really. You, as a student, might recognise it as the dairy at which you can buy Scrumpy or those big bottles of Tiger from high noon to midnight. Or, you might recognise it by name alone. This is the important part—if Wellington can lay claim to having an iconic dairy, Shalimar would be the number-one contender.

But why the renown? Longevity may play a part.

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One middle-aged person I spoke to remembers living close to Shalimar as a 20-something and being impressed that the owner knew members of the Indian cricket team of the time (apparently they even stayed with him on occasion!) Another remembers being a broke student and sneakily buying individual cigarettes under the table (although this claim is, I stress, unverified). A considerably younger fellow speaks fondly of its handy proximity to parties in Te Aro, especially during them—if you run out of booze before midnight, Shalimar is but a brisk walk away. He also notes “the karaoke”, as well as the “friendly owners”. The owners came up a lot in my interviews—some labelled them friendly, others eccentric (a reputation fostered

by Mr Patel’s enthusiasm for ‘Karaoke Disco Nights’, in which he puts on a Karaoke DVD and coerces customers into choosing a song), but the reviews were unanimously positive.

This unique reputation has extended beyond the word-of-mouth. Shalimar boasts a Facebook page (definitely operated by them) and a Twitter (probably operated by them) which sporadically post tongue-in-cheek updates: “Tonight four people came in and talked to the pies. One of them didn’t even buy a pie”; “The new Karaoke DVD is downbuzz as. Let’s go back to the classics.” They have also been the subject of a documentary, which invoked a lot of many former patrons to reminisce. According to Stuff. co.nz user Mike H: “When my wife and I were young, broke and pregnant in the late 70’s they were happy to run a tab for us between pay days.

A kindness never forgotten.”

What’s especially interesting is that while lauding things like Shalimar’s Karaoke DVDs and eccentric owners could come across as condescending and ironic, it feels like Shalimar is

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very in on the joke—we’re laughing with them, not at them, and that’s a pretty joyous feeling.

In the interests of finding out more about Shalimar (and because I really wanted to meet her), I interviewed the co-owner Nalini Patel, who proved every bit gregarious as her reputation suggests, even going so far as to ply me with a free Nippy’s. What a sweetheart!

Ohhh, most people buy a drink and a chocolate bar (we have a lot of students living near us).

Second, people buy cigarettes, you know, tobacco. Third is general groceries, fourth is alcohol.

[Laughs] Everyone from David Tua to David Lange! Actually, Helen Clark used to live just up the road, she used to pop in…

A man enters the store and she gesticulates towards him, saying “If you want celebrities here’s one!” They both laugh, and I infer that this is another regular. “What keeps you coming back to Shalimar?”

I ask casually. “This woman right here… her affable demeanour, and the friendly environment.

Shalimar is very in on the joke—we’re laughing with them, not at them, and that’s a pretty joyous feeling.

*** First of all, Shalimar is a very iconic dairy as I’m sure you’re aware—do you feel like an intrinsic part of the community?

Absolutely. We are.

Well, yeah, so, uhh, you’ve been in business a long time haven’t you? Since the ‘70s?

Yes. 35 years on November the 12th.

Congratulations! You stay open until midnight most nights right? And often you’re the only place in central Wellington that you can get alcohol from—do you get a lot of unfriendly or unpleasant customers?

Yes, of course, although most are very polite— about five per cent are ‘problems’—some of them might be very intoxicated, too intoxicated to sell to, and some people go to the alcohol, [take it] and try to run out of the store with it, some people show up when we’re closed and get angry when we won’t open for them.

Jesus! What do you do in situations like that?

[Laughs] We just don’t sell it to them—I’ll let them come to the counter, then I’ll say: “I’m sorry but I can’t sell this to you tonight—come back tomorrow morning you can buy it then.”

If they still cause trouble then I offer them some free bread or something, and usually they leave then. If they take anything, well, we have cameras operating all over the store.

Do you get a lot of big spenders?

Last weekend someone spent $157 I think? A lot of people buy lots of packets of cigarettes, and then they might buy a couple of loaves of bread and [bottles of] milk with it— She is interrupted—a regular walks in.

She laughs, obviously pleased to see him, and says “Young man—you should talk to him! He’s been coming in since 1998!”

“1990,” he corrects. “So, what keeps you coming back to Shalimar?” I ask him. “The atmosphere… I’ll walk in and she’ll greet me straight away, say ‘Hi Paul!’ And when I come in with my grandchildren, she always says ‘Hi’ to them… it’s that kind of attitude that keeps me coming back.”

Right; so back on track—it must be quite stressful working for a dairy, especially with the late hours and stuff. What do you do to relax?

[Motions at flowers] This! I like arranging the flowers, taking care of them. What else? How do I relax? [Laughs] I go on walks, leave my phone behind, do it alone. I’ve never touched cigarettes in my life, never drink. I haven’t even had CocaCola, [Laughs], though I’ve sold a lot of it.

Lovely! What about outside of the dairy?

Oh! I try to get a lot of exercise, I meditate, I spend time with my family.

All worthy pursuits! Just out of personal curiosity: you haven’t served any famous people have you?

*** In our conversation, I also asked whether there was a friendly relationship between them and the other Four Squares of Wellington. As it turns out, there is—a sort of network goes on where they warn each other of any suspicious characters that may have come into one of their stores. Heart-warmingly, after the recent barrage of earthquakes, they all contacted each other to check in and offer help if help was needed. I also offered my sincere condolences for the death of Gunvantrai Patel, the owner of the Aro St Four Square who passed away earlier this year. After thanking me, she offered: “The community was so wonderful to them—and us—in our time of sadness… people brought flowers, offered support.”

This got me thinking: it’s pretty cool that we live in a city where a humble dairy can become an integral part of the city’s framework and mythos. Shalimar is a thriving icon, not just an anonymous place where business transactions take place, and there’s something incredibly comforting in that. When Mr Patel died, the newspaper reported his death and a community responded, and I’m positive that the same thing would happen if Shalimar was at the focus as well. And I don’t know—a city that mourns local dairy owners and imbues a deserving business with a mythology, a meaning—that’s the kind of city I want to be a part of.

What do most people buy from you?

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cuba s

Past, Present

Cuba Street is awesome in an almost boring way. It’s got exactly what you expect from an ‘urban’ street: grime, crime, and four hundred op-shops. But as it nears 175th birthday, with an earthquake every other week, Cuba’s future is less than certain. Understanding why requires both a look forward and a look back.

By Henry Cooke When we try to sell Wellington, we show it busy.

We show it sunny. We show young professionals in creative industries; we show middle-class families participating in the weekend economy.

This Wellington exists, and it makes for great ads, but Wellington is so much more than that. It’s the messily angular streets of the hill suburbs. It’s the biting frost creeping into your shitty flat. It's the elegant persistence of Cuba Street on a drizzly weekday afternoon.

The indifferent cafes. The cashiers barely tolerating groups of high-school students. The beepbeepbeepbeep of the crossing signal. The yelp of a child skidding across the bricks. Cuba Street is never fully mapped out. The street itself is simple, geometric; the buildings that define it infinite. They sit within each other, on top of each other, a mess of smoking areas, balconies, changing rooms, preserved architecture, narrow

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stairs, linoleum halls, round windows, woodpanelled bars, exhibiting spaces, of private and public, of culture, of life. Cuba Street feels like someone nearing the end of their rebellious 20s, full of experience but incredibly weary. It's still going—fighting even—but its past looms heavily above it.

And perhaps it should. For a lane so obsessed with vigour, Cuba Street is fucking old. It's survived over 170 years, through world wars and bypasses and Kerry Prendergast, but its next 100 remain uncertain. Can a street with so much history resist becoming it? * * * Cuba Street is named after a ship that barely made it here. Cuba left Gravesend, in England, in 1839, the second ship of the New Zealand Company's settlement contingent, full of land surveyors and their labour assistants.

These were not idle explorers, but full-blown colonialists. 157 days, a detour to Kapiti, and a crewman’s attempted suicide later, Cuba docked in Thorndon, and work began. At the time, Wellington was called ‘Port Nicholson’ by Europeans and a variety of names by Māori. It looked very different. The flat area that makes up the CBD was a marshy plain, known by the local iwi as 'Huriwhenua'. A creek flowed down Aro Valley and across this flat into the Harbour, meeting it where Manners and Cuba meet today.

The surveyors from Cuba got to creating streets, and Cuba Street was born.

Originally, Cuba only extended from Vivian down to Manners, which at the time was essentially the sea—hence its off-grid shape. It was populated fairly quickly, and, some time in the 1850s, extended southwards to where it ends now, on Webb Street. In 1855, a huge earthquake struck which rose Te Aro by about a metre, causing huge destruction to Cuba and the rest of the CBD. Cuba Street was the centre of the working class.

Shops, factories and paddocks lined it in the 1860s, although that creek was still there, crossable by a bridge on Ghuznee Street. A noisy steam tram was introduced to the street in 1878, replaced by horse-drawn trams in 1882. Development ramped up as the century drew to a close—Kirkcaldies even opened a Cuba branch in the 1870s—and by the 1890s, Cuba Street was much longer than it is today, extending north along new land onto

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street

t and Future

Queens Wharf. It was now home to artisans and draperies and fancy hotels, and was considered an important retail area. Between 1900 and 1910, Cuba gained an electric tram, and many of the buildings that still tower there today were built, including the James Smith building, Thistle Hall, Hotel Bristol, the Barbour Building, and much of the block between Vivian and Ghuznee.

For Morten Gjerde, a Senior Lecturer in Urban Design and Architecture, heritage architecture is much of what makes Cuba Street great. “The older buildings are that much richer, they are adorned with details that we either can't afford or don't want to do, that are outside our architectural thinking at the moment.” He points to their proportions, and the proportions of the street in general. “It’s got a nice scale of building relative to the scale of the street.” Cuba Street is made up of seven blocks over 1.8 km, but has a huge number of different properties. “It’s got quite a tight rhythm of ownership, which is kind of unique to the time, when the properties were relatively narrow. You can walk past a shop that's only ten metres wide, then another one that's only ten metres wide.” The street wasn’t intentionally so well preserved. Development all

over New Zealand slowed as the 20th century went on, with two world wars and a depression to deal with, and when it returned in the 1950s, its focus had moved to the suburbs. Cuba Street sat in a time warp.

Of course, most of us don’t see all this. We walk in these buildings’ shadow, we enter their modern street-level storefronts, but we don’t look up.

There is a more recent architectural feature that’s impossible to miss: Cuba Mall.

Much like Cuba Street itself, Cuba Mall almost didn’t happen. By the 1960s, a few respectable stores remained near Manners—particularly the huge James Smith department store—but the street itself had lost much of its elegance. This transition seemed complete when the electric-tram tracks were ripped out of the street in 1964, but then, abruptly, the street showed new life. Why? Well, while they were removing the tracks, Cuba Street was temporarily closed to cars, and a temporary pedestrian mall created.

Businesses reported much better sales, and a strong public campaign began to keep it pedestrian, permanently. Mayor Frank Kitts responded well, and Cuba Mall was opened in 1969.

Cuba Street feels like someone

nearing the end of their rebellious twenties, full of experience but

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incredibly weary Lekk Porter works on Cuba Mall, and loves it, but when I asked her about Cuba’s character, she didn’t mention any buildings. “I don’t pay much attention to architecture.” But Fiona GunterFirth, who runs a blog/art project called The Cuba Street Project, argues that the heritage architecture affects us all, even if we don’t notice.

“I do think if Cuba was all steel and glass and reflective it would be different. The effect is almost subliminal.”

Cuba Mall was quite the innovation: the first pedestrian mall in New Zealand, attracting considerable international interest. Originally, it was called “Cubacade”, a title that still adorns a few signs. Graham Allardice’s Bucket Fountain was, of course, opened along with the Mall, and caused a bit of a stir.

Huge signs stood at each end of the street

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(see photo), as high as the buildings, and welcomed visitors.

Cuba Mall revitalised the area, but it was too late for Cuba to build a very sophisticated audience—Wellington already had Lambton Quay. A more alty character developed, with a burgeoning sex industry and a bevy of foreign restaurants. Gunter-Firth worked at a flower stall in the Mall during the ‘70s, while she was a student at Massey. “It wasn’t exactly the fashionable end of town,” she claims. “It was considered to be a little rough around the edges.

All the prostitutes, the transvestites, the gays, they lived above the shops.”

Two modern art galleries sprung up. Thistle Hall was the home of Wellington punk, and the Royal Oak Hotel contained Wellington’s premier LGBTQ bar. Homosexuality was illegal, so “they would often enter looking like heterosexual couples”. Thistle Hall stands today, but the Royal Oak burned to the ground in 1979, replaced with a “temporary” building which still stands today,

housing The Body Shop.

Diane Burns grew up on Cuba Street during the era. “My parents said to treat people as you would like to be treated and we always said hello to the ‘people of the night’ and treated them with respect.” Burns’ mother worked in the James Smith department store, and her father

40 years later, much has changed, and much has stayed the same. The strongly opposed bypass now runs through upper Cuba, bending slightly to avoid a stubborn heritage home. Real Groovy’s gone now, and upper Cuba is a bit dead, but from Abel Smith down it remains vibrant, slightly alty, and is mostly made up of the same buildings. The sex industry has retreated into legality and the suburbs, while the hospitality sector has grown exponentially.

Fidel’s and Havana take advantage of the ancient architecture, using the fading paint to evoke another location stuck in a time warp: the real Cuba. Wigan Street, with a recently added cinema, offers what Gjerde calls “the quirkiness of Cuba Street” in a quieter atmosphere. Liquor bans have moved the homeless out of the spotlight.

Cuba’s safe now, a place for the prototypical Wellingtonian to stroll down when she’s a bit done with the expense of Lambton or the thump of Courtenay.

It’s “alty” because it wants to be

alty, because that’s its brand, not because of some sort of divine hipster calling. worked at the Te Aro Meat Company, a butcher where El Matador resides now. Her mother was trusted by the sex workers, and they were only served by her in the department store, as she “treated them with respect”. ***

Cuba Mall overflows with furniture and street performers, which, argues Gjerde, has hurt the space a little. “When you walk through J.J. Murphy’s, it feels like they own the whole footpath and you're intruding onto their space.

I think the Council have allowed that to be filled up with stuff.” Further along Cuba, past Manners, the newly ‘mallified’ space hasn’t been much of a success. “It's meant to be a shared surface but they've paved it as a street,” asserts Gjerde, “and the furniture is pretty ordinary.”

Gunter-Firth has complaints too—for her, lower Cuba Mall has become a little too commercial, a little too “Lambton”—but the main focus of her project is the geological elephant in the room. Earthquakes.

After the 1931 Napier earthquake, some of the more decorative elements of many buildings were pre-emptively dismantled. Cuba Street lost many of its spires. Now, with what feels like a stronger shake every few months, and Christchurch looming over our collective consciousness, earthquake safety is back to the fore. Unsurprisingly, many of the historic Cuba buildings aren’t very safe. Some would be much cheaper to simply demolish and start again with, than bring up to standard. But Cuba Street isn’t just a collection of heritage buildings: it

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was registered as a heritage area as a whole, its “coherence and collective value transcending its less interesting parts”. Can we really expect every building-owner to put money into keeping the area cohesive as a whole?

“I think there's some responsibility, some obligation,” argues Gjerde, “that comes with owning a building.” But he recognises that “we’ve got to be practical as well. This is such a fraught area.” Gunter-Firth is a bit more bullish. “It's the working-class history of the city ... it’s not just a building, it’s an entire area.”

Last year, 80 fourth-year Architecture students embarked on a huge project to design a future for Cuba Street. They strove to respect the historic nature of the buildings, but still make them as safe as possible. The project was generally considered a success, with a wide variety of innovative solutions to the problem, but these would-be architects weren’t hired. It’s up to the people who own the buildings to bring them into the new millennium. Which can be, once again, ridiculously expensive.

If building-owners have to spend crazy amounts of cash to keep their buildings standing, they are going to have to raise rents. “It’s not like they are big evil landlords,” asserts Gunter-Firth, “that’s just how it works.” But if rents are raised, will the charm of Cuba be maintained? “If it pushes prices up to the point that businesses that appeal to the people who frequent Cuba get pushed out, then we might lose a lot of the charm, the character,” asserts Gjerde. Gunter-Firth agrees.

“If rents go up, Cuba Street will change.”

Cuba Street c.1910, looking south from where Shoe Connection now sits.

If they can’t afford it, perhaps we, as ratepayers, can. “Ultimately,” argues Neville Brown, Manager of Earthquake Resilience at the Council, “it is the building-owners’ responsibility to ensure their building is compliant with the Building Code.” But he acknowledges that this may be difficult. “We do have a Built Heritage fund to support owners who own a Heritage Building who are seeking to commence strengthening.” There are, of course, a lot of other things the Council is wanting to spend its money on lately, from flyovers to runway extensions, and with so many buildings that need help, the bill could get higher than ratepayers are willing to shell out.

“When it comes down to it, we probably can’t afford everything” admits Gjerde, “and we need to have a safe environment.” He’s a fan of the Council—“I don’t own a building, you don’t own a building, they’re our only voice”—but thinks society needs to step up a little. “How much do we want to pay to keep our heritage? Do we need a ranking system? Do we need more direct funding? Do we need tax incentives? There are a lot of things being done overseas that aren’t being done here.”

Cuba Street is by no means perfect. There’s Leather Direct. There’s that magician. There are 34,235 pigeons and at least as many drunk teenagers. It’s ‘alty’ because it wants to be alty, because that’s its brand, not because of some sort of divine hipster calling. But it isn’t meant to be perfect. It’s a ramshackle collection of the grand and the gratuitous; the elegant and the cheap living side-by-side. It’s a walk through our city’s history like no other. We probably can’t afford to keep it exactly how it is, or make it the best it could possibly be, but we can afford to do something. It won’t be easy or cheap or immediately rewarding, but it will be worth it.

Research assistance provided by cubastproject.com and the New Zealand Historic Places Trust.

All images courtesy of the Alexander Turnbull Library

A motorcade carries the Duke and Duchess of York down Cuba Street in 1927.

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PLAYING WITH FIRE: ADVENTURES IN TINDER As the line between those who have smartphones and those who do not becomes more and more precipitous, social networking apps are gaining real traction in our lives. Facebook alone won’t cut it; Twitter’s not everything, and if you’re not snapchatting you’re not living. But what about Tinder, that saucy Grindr-esque app that has been raising eyebrows all over campus this year? Your intrepid correspondent dived headfirst into a Tinder profile to find out what all the fuss was about.

By Carlo Salizzo If you haven’t used Tinder before, it’s pretty straightforward. You link in with your Facebook profile to supply your first name and age, and let your phone send your location. Tinder will then show you photos of people nearby for you to either ‘like’ or ‘pass’. At the same time, those people you’re rating can rate you. When two people ‘like’ each other, they are both notified of a ‘match’, and are allowed to chat with each other.

Those chats have given birth to some brilliant lines, but mostly spectacularly crass ones, if the Facebook page ‘Tinder Chat’ is at all representative. It’s part of that new wave of pages and groups like ‘Snapchat Leaked’ and ‘Best Vines’, or even ‘Babe of the Day’ and ‘VUW Cupid’, that have evolved their own little communities. No doubt this has provided a bit of momentum for a wider adoption of Tinder.

Wide enough to include me, apparently. After creating my profile, which took only a minute, I was straight into a matching session. The app couldn’t quite locate me with pinpoint accuracy, but anything further would be splitting hairs.

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The first thing that struck me, I’m sorry to say, was how many, well... normal-looking people had profiles.

Isn’t our classic hang-up that we expect people using that kind of service to be outcasts? That ridiculous old prejudice that anyone needing a dating site to find love must obviously have some outrageous flaw to justify it. That certainly didn’t seem to be the case with Tinder—it was just the kinds of people I would see hanging out on campus. Feeling more comfortable (and getting addicted to the fast-paced action), I swiped away with glee. It was a fun detour into escapist whimsy, judging these people I’d never met, right up until I stumbled across one of my friends and co-writers at Salient. It was kind of a surprise, but as I was to discover, not at all uncommon.

As that friend (who shall remain nameless) told me, she sees “quite a few” of her acquaintances on Tinder. As to the protocol around whether or not to ‘like’, she’s quite coy. “If they're not a weirdo, I like them to see … whether they've liked me or not.” That’s the point, really: she’s not trying to find a soulmate or anything—just an ego boost. She goes on: “If I don't know them

well enough to pass it off as a joke ... I wouldn't like them.”

That, I think, sums up the experience of many on Tinder. It’s a place for a laugh, maybe some salacious one-liners, but ultimately just there to joke around or find a little bit of self-validation.

It’s not easy to line it up directly with methods of dating we’re more familiar with—whether that of real life in Wellington in 2014, or that of television show Friends.

Obviously, there’s the whole ‘mutual attraction’ thing, because that’s a given, but it’s not simultaneous. It’s displaced by time, not to mention affected by whatever is going through each person’s head at the time. My matching behaviour was very different when I was alone compared to when I was with friends, for instance.

There’s generally a lot less alcohol involved, too.

That said, I think the biggest difference between Tinder and the real world is that you find so much more posturing when you’re doing everything via text and picture. Sure, you could lie and pretend to be someone you’re not in a bar or club, but you still have to play that part convincingly. We pick up a lot from people in a physical situation, let alone the fact that conversation tends to happen off-the-cuff. On Tinder, it comes down to the well-thought-out lines and carefully selected photos, which could convey anything we so desire.

Texting is the closest thing we had in pre-Tinder days to compare, but there’s an important difference. Generally, if you have someone’s phone number, you’ve already met them in person to get it. With Tinder, though, there’s no opportunity for that first impression. Everything we get is from the screen, and maybe a

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Facebook stalk if we’re good at it. If there’s anything we can take from that, it’s that we all need to be developing our online savoir-faire, stat. Some people really need to sort out their privacy settings.

Please don’t take this as a scathing review, though.

We had a great time in the Salient office making matches and sending them all Drake lyrics— nothing was the same. I’d heard rumours that in Dunedin there were ‘Tinder Parties’, where every member of the flat invited all of their matches, who then had to write the name of their host-match on their arm in black vivid. No word on it crossing the Cook Strait, though. That said, I couldn’t call it a day without further investigating those elusive people who were genuinely using Tinder to find love, or at least something approximating it.

some sage advice for anyone giving it a go.

“Have fun, don't have high expectations, always respond to the guy/girl with a hilarious opening line, stretch your fingers because it's going to take you a while to find someone awesome.”

Fair enough, but it wasn’t quite the experience I was looking for. I decided to step things up to the next level, and fired off a “Hey, how’s it going?” to my seven non-friend ‘matches’. Three of them replied, and two of those replies led to a real conversation. One of those conversations didn’t last long, but the other one somehow led to us going out for drinks. So I’d won at Tinder. In Theresa’s parlance, had I found a gem?

I won’t recap the entire evening, but to be honest it was a little strange to know that we had already seen each other’s online profiles, but otherwise knew nothing about each other. There was a moment of fear, too, that she was somehow gang-affiliated and I was going to be kidnapped and ransomed back to my flatmates for our rent money. Thankfully, that didn’t happen, but nor was it an incredibly romantic night of chemistry and passion. Sometimes even the best-laid plans fall through.

The first thing that struck me, I’m sorry to say, was how many, well... normal-looking people had profiles.

To that end, I talked to someone who has made a real attempt to chat after matching using the app.

We’ll call her Theresa. She’d given it a go, and offered a bit of perspective on how the genuine Tinderers go about their business.

“I went on a date with a guy who was moving to Auckland two weeks later, I got stood up, I had multiple 'wanna fuck?’s, and I have lost some confidence in New Zealand's education system because, my God, most people can't spell to save their lives.”

I had rather been hoping that she was going to be telling me all about the great people she’d met and the experiences she had only managed to have thanks to Tinder. But it seemed to me that she was playing with fire and only getting burned. That’s why she finally decided to delete the app.

“One of my friends described Tindering as op-shopping,” said Theresa. “I just couldn't be fucked spending any more time and effort searching through the shit to dig out gems.”

Not exactly comforting words for anyone wanting to find their soulmate and thinking of using Tinder. But Theresa was quick to stop me from jumping to extreme conclusions, and offered

salient.org.nz <<<

So that was my Tinder experience. Probably typical—a lot of standoffish people and some awkward banter. At least the end result was a pretty fun night. I can’t vouch for the success rate of opening every conversation with a vulgar come-on (my intrepid journalistic spirit doesn’t quite stretch that far), but to be honest, I’d imagine that it’s often met with a snide remark and at best some banter. The rap lyrics definitely didn’t get me anywhere, though.

With Tinder, as with many things, it’s probably wisest to enter without having your heart set on getting anything out of it. Maybe you’ll make some great jokes, maybe you’ll fall in love, maybe you’ll confuse people with lines from ‘Best I Ever Had’. If all else fails, it’s pretty satisfying to hold the power of condemnation in just a swipe of your fingers.

Tinder Photo Tropes The Faraway Highlights of this photo include the ability to show off your entire body, and perhaps a really interesting environment. The downside is, of course, that you really cannot be distinguished from any other human being.

The Group Shot The best way to show that yes, you do have a lot of friends, and you socialise outside of Tinder.

On the other hand, it’s literally impossible for potential matches to tell which one you are.

The Asset Cam When you’re trying to emphasise a particular feature, what better way to do it than publicising it in lieu of your face? Breasts, a six-pack, legs— whatever your asset might be, this shot will let everyone know that you’re after a good time.

The Cute Crutch Add that X factor to your Tinder profile by including either a beloved pet or somebody’s baby in your photo. Is it yours? Who cares.

All you know is it raises your adorability by at least 20 per cent. Be aware that this may turn off anyone who’s frightened by parenthood or allergic to cats.

The Gag Photo Hey, you don’t take Tinder seriously! Haha, it’s all just a joke lol. Prove it to everyone by making a silly face in your profile photo! As a bonus, it’s a great way to save face in the event of few matches by blaming the photo.

The Obscurity The best way to deal with people judging your appearance is simply to cover it up, of course.

Wearing sunglasses, ski goggles or just cropping your head out of the photo is the perfect way to maintain that mysterious allure.

The Formal Portrait Only look good when dressed up to the nines?

Feel confident in uploading your few formal event photos to Tinder. Be assured that nobody will be able to recognise you during your scraggly morning hikes up The Terrace, or in literally any other social situation.

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c i n

o r t y l l e W c i s u M New Zealanders are obsessed with guitars, and have been for pretty much the entirety of pop music being a thing in this country. But it’s not the ‘70s anymore, and a new type of sound wave is crashing on the shores of our city. While electronic musicians are often accused of being nothing more than kidswith-laptops, Wellington-based musicians are crushing this stereotype completely, with incredibly creative results.

In April last year, the Wellington music community was distinctively sad at the closure of local venue Happy. But although the prospect of one of the most supportive live-music venues closing was distressing for many artists, all was not lost. A hairy man sporting rimmed glasses and band T-shirts had taken over the location, with the intention of forming New Zealand’s first venue dedicated to live electronic-music performance.

allows performers to push up the volume beyond normal limits, making it ideal for MAXIMUM BASS. The stage is purposely low, allowing audiences to observe what is actually taking place during a live electronic performance, and the monitors are strategically positioned above the stage rather than at the feet of the performers to allow more contact between the artists and the audience; one of only two venues in New Zealand to have this style of setup. But how has all this technical music-nerd stuff affected the music scene in Wellington?

The venue, affectionately named ‘Puppies’, is literally a basement. Its concrete structure

For musicians wanting to produce electronic music, there was previously no real venue that

By Elise Munden

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had the gear or the right crowd to support their craft. Blink, infamous owner of Puppies and founder of Camp A Low Hum, saw that there were specific problems with other Wellington venues, reckoning that “Mighty Mighty can’t be that loud because they have their regular crowd that come in and if you’re pumping music too loud it just pisses them off. And also, that venue wasn’t set up for cranking beats, it was set up for rock and roll, garage bands, performances. [San Francisco Bath House] is too big a venue; Bodega is too big, so that was pretty much why I came in here and I emptied it out; I made it feel like a basement.”

While places like Mighty Mighty and San Fran have certainly fostered a culture of music appreciation, one can’t help but agree with Blink.

The attitude of these venues seems to be ‘ain’t nobody messin’ with ma clique’, and their clique does NOT include scrawny teenagers with laptops.

But that perspective is changing rapidly. While both Blink and Beat Mob (a local DJ) agree that people don’t understand the effort and creativity that goes into producing electronic music, the appeal of making music entirely on a computer is

>>> salient.org.nz

c

becoming increasingly seductive.

to come out and play.”

Totems, a producer from Auckland whose popularity is beginning to climax, argues that musicians can no longer rely on making music in bands to satisfy their creative cravings. “[The] reason I started doing Totems was because it’s really fucking hard to rely on people. When you have four people in a band, you gotta organise band practice, you gotta make sure all of them have free time, and it can be really irritating if you can only practice once a week. Whereas if you’re making beats, you can do that all day.”

In fact, Blink’s magnetic pull even partly contributed to Totems’ decision to move to Wellington earlier this year; a move which got local musicians VERY excited, and seemed to signal that this is where the electronic-music scene is thriving. In Totems’ own words, Blink is “just the ultimate dude in New Zealand music, he’s just sussed everyone out. He’s really on to it, knows what’s cool, what’s good. He’s got his finger on the pulse.”

But making beats on your own time doesn’t necessarily make it a solitary exercise. Beat Mob notes that “people are collaborating in New Zealand now more than ever”. With the aid of the internet, musicians from all over the country have been able to collectivise their talents, generating new electronic music at an extremely high standard.

However, this new-found interconnectivity has also resulted in there being little stylistic distinction in electronic music between different cities. Once-Auckland-now-Wellington-based artist Foxtrot even goes so far as to say: “I don’t think there is a specific collective community [of electronic musicians in Wellington] per se; rather, little pockets of people making music all over the place.”

While this may be true, it isn’t necessarily the style or sound of Wellington electronic musicians that makes the city’s musical culture so unique. Rather, it’s the presence of Blink and of his bar, Puppies.

Totems, Foxtrot, and Beat Mob all gave radiant reviews of the Puppies owner. When asked what he has contributed to the electronicmusic community in Wellington, Foxtrot even reckoned there was “too much to list” (before actually going on to list everything that he has contributed). Beat Mob noted Blink’s capacity to weave people together into a far-reaching nest of music-makers; “He has that ability to personally connect with artists that he wants to play or represent. I heard from some people that when he wants somebody to play at Camp he personally addresses them, which is strange for a promoter. He just comes to them and asks them to play, which is refreshing. Like, he does give a fuck, which is the main thing… He does give young kids that he sees a talent in an opportunity

salient.org.nz <<<

When I met with Blink (a moment which felt like I was meeting some kind of Wellington deity, but

The attitude of Mighty and San Fran seems to be ‘ain’t nobody messin’ with ma clique’, and their clique does NOT include scrawny teenagers with laptops. that’s probably just because I’m a nerdy fan-girl), his enthusiasm for helping young musicians was obvious. Premised on the idea that ‘mainstream’ listeners “just don’t understand” the skill involved in creating electronic music, he seemed sad when telling me that at Camp A Low Hum, electronic artists “can be playing for 1000 people and it’ll go off and be awesome in the middle of a forest.

And then they come back to the city for the rest of the year and it’s just really depressing because there’s just no acceptance of what they do.”

But his attitude towards electronic music in Wellington is not only based on compassion for artists and their limited opportunities for performance. He states that “part of [Puppies] is that it’s a chance for me to experiment and

fuck with people… I like it when no one’s here.

If there’s not something planned late at night then usually I’ll end up DJing… I do this thing where I walk around and I ask what songs people hate and I’ll just play those, like anti-request guy.

But at the same time I’ll take songs people hate and make them awesome, remix the shit out of them.”

In other words, Blink seems to have a ‘Grand Master Plan’ which incorporates not only support for local electronic artists, but the expansion of his own creative talents. His performances at Puppies are unique and—as far as I’m aware— unmatched by other DJs around the country in terms of originality. This means that a private audience with him at 2.30 am on the corner of Vivian and Tory Streets is an experience that can’t be replicated anywhere else in New Zealand, furthering Wellington’s distinctive qualities as an electronic-music hub.

Sadly, everything that Puppies has provided for Wellington musicians over the last year is about to be jeopardised. Blink only views the venue as a “two-year project”, and he “always knew there was going to be an ending with it”.

So what will happen when the bass-ment closes?

Will someone else be capable of continuing Blink’s efforts, considering that his connections with such a plethora of musicians is more valuable than what any business model or investment could offer? And where will his regular artists continue to perform?

Considering the momentum that electronic music has gained in Wellington, and the reciprocal nature of the relationships that have been formed between artists, I wouldn’t be surprised if venues like Mighty Mighty and San Fran made their spaces more feasible as locations for live music in this genre. In fact, I wouldn’t even be surprised if a 20-something-year-old with a passion for the wob-wob-wob of drum and bass took it upon him/herself to continue building the Puppies brand.

For the first time in my life, I wish I studied Management so I could take on the task myself.

Check out the gig guide on p. 55 to see what’s on at Puppies, located on the corner of Tory and Vivian streets, this week!

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Home Brew Crew How to set up your own homebrew kit

By Dylan Shearer Rapidly earning its name as New Zealand’s craft-beer capital, Wellington has seen a number of homebrew ventures turn into lucrative craft-brewing labels and breweries as of late. Get amongst the best and brew your own!

Everyone has tried someone’s homebrew at some point. That may have been your dear old dad’s, or one of your good mate’s from Uni. It may have even been good! Because making beer at home is easy, anyone can do it. Set aside a few hundred bucks and a bit of time over summer and get into it!

GETTING STARTED

Your First Homebrew:

Rapidly earning its name as New Zealand’s craft-beer capital, Wellington has seen a number of homebrew ventures turn into lucrative craft-brewing labels and breweries as of late. Get amongst the best and brew your own!

Everyone has tried someone’s homebrew at some point. That may have been your dear old dad’s, or one of your good mate’s from Uni. It may have even been good! Because making beer at home is easy, anyone can do it. Set aside a few hundred bucks and a bit of time over summer and get into it!

Chuck 2 L of boiling water in your fermenting bucket

Sprinkle dried yeast on top

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Add your can of malt extract

Top up to your desired amount (23 L is standard)

Put lid on with airlock in and wait for 2 weeks before bottling

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INCREASING COMPLEXITY The next step up from this is to begin what is called ‘extract brewing’, which essentially means taking unhopped malt extract and boiling it for an hour with multiple additions of hops. This gives you a lot more freedom to be creative by creating your own recipes, choosing different types of hops and fermenting with specialised yeasts. Basically the only extra equipment you need for this is a big pot. You may be tempted to buy a smaller one (around 20 litres), but if you are planning on getting into homebrewing more, I recommend getting a 40-litre one, as this will allow you to take the next step up more easily.

Extract Brewing:

THE REAL DEAL (ALL-GRAIN LIKE THE PROS) All-grain at home is essentially a scaled-down version of how beer is made at the brewery. The extra equipment you will need for this is a mash tun. With all-grain brewing, you soak the malted barley at between 65 and 70 °C for roughly an hour. This process gives you what is known as wort (pronounced wert), which you then boil and add hops to in the same way you do with extract brewing. To do this, you need a vessel that will hold enough liquid and handle the heat.

The easiest way to do this is to buy a second-hand chilly bin (Trade Me is your friend) and build a manifold with plumbing parts from Bunnings or Mitre 10 which allows the liquid to be filtered from the grain to then be boiled. You can find plenty of instruction on this on the internet by searching “building a mash tun manifold”.

Another very handy piece of equipment to have is a wort chiller or heat converter, but you can definitely get by without it in the beginning by cooling your wort in the bath or just leaving to cool overnight with few issues. You can make copper immersion chillers relatively cheaply, or maybe if you’ve got cash to burn, you’ll shell out for a sweet plate chiller.

Take your pot and fill up to 25-litre mark with water

Add can (or cans) of malt extract and bring to boil

Once boiling and foam has dissipated, add your first addition of hops (start your timer—60-minute countdown)

Generally add two more additions (when there’s 20 minutes and 5 minutes to go)

Bring to a cool temperature (20 °C)

salient.org.nz <<<

Add yeast (liquid or dehydrated)

This gives you a very basic rundown on the equipment needed to brew beer at home, but skims over the process of making beer. For more detailed instructions, I would highly recommend reading How to Brew by John Palmer. You can read the first edition free on his website, and it is an amazing resource for understanding the basics as well as delving into some more complex aspects of the brewing process. But basically, dive into it, make some beer, drink some beer, share some beer, make some more beer, and then drink some more beer and so on and so forth. Cheers!

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COLUMNS 

LAYING DOWN THE LAW

hoopin' and hollerin'

How Not to Get Screwed Over By Your Landlord

Get on the Bandwagon and Put Down the Chequebook

By Emma Smith

By Carlo Salizzo

I haven’t always been sensible and good at Law. I’ve got into trouble from doing stupid things like not reading the contract.

I’ve learnt the hard way that you should never, under any circumstances, pay money to a ‘property manager’ without signing (or at least being able to look over) the contract. Don’t be like me— learn from my mistakes...

Bugger. Well, we didn’t win. I feel like this doesn’t really need to be introduced, but for the last year our boys on Emirates Team New Zealand have been trying to win back the Auld Mug, the America’s Cup, and last week our efforts were proved to be in vain. Sure, our heartstrings have snapped like spinnakers in a gale, but golly gosh it was a great time while it lasted. It only cost us $36 million to put the boat in the water, which is a tenth of what the Rugby World Cup cost, and I think we can all say it was worth it. Well, maybe. Emotions have calmed down, so maybe it’s time to start the analysis. You could look at it like an investment which didn’t pan out. If we’d won, we would have given Auckland another great event for their waterfront, and plenty of networking opportunities for the business elite. That’s something everyone can appreciate.

Before you move in It’s pretty common, especially in your first year of flatting, to get conned into signing onto a sub-lease over summer and then being locked in for another whole year—I did that, and got locked into paying for 15 months in an overpriced Newtown dungeon. It’s vital to check things like the term of the tenancy— ‘fixed term’ means you’re locked in for a specific time (usually 12 months), whereas a ‘periodic tenancy’ means that your landlord can give you notice to leave in 42–90 days, depending on the circumstances.

You should also check to see if there are any strange conditions—some contracts will say things like you’re not allowed to fix anything to the wall, or use a particular type of heater. Watch out for extra costs—some places make you pay a massive bond to get water connected. It pays to ask about this before you sign. One thing that’s important this year is whether you’ll have to fork out when TV goes digital—some landlords have started putting in clauses that it’s up to the tenant to pay for things like installing a new aerial or satellite.

Paying Rent If you’re in a flat with four people on the lease, you’re usually jointly liable for rent—that means if one of your flatmates stops paying, the remaining three of you are still liable. Choose your flatties carefully.

Moving out If your landlord tries to take money out of your bond, they can’t take anything for “normal wear and tear”. That means that things like the carpet wearing down, or the walls getting small marks on them from furniture, are not your problem. (The hole you punched in the wall last weekend probably is, though.)

If something goes wrong The Tenancy Tribunal and the Citizens Advice Bureau can help if something does go wrong, but it can be pretty stressful, and there’s no guarantee you’ll be able to get money back from a dodgy landlord, or that you’ll be able to get out of paying extra rent if someone ditches—so it pays to be careful and try to avoid problems before they arise.

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But you know what? That kind of thinking is way too Rutherford House for me. I don’t like the idea that everything should be measured by costs, benefits and invisible hands. We like sports, dammit, and we don’t think about the price tag. We join clubs that are literally going bankrupt because they don’t want to charge us too much in the way of subs, even when a lot of people don’t pay them at all. And that’s fine. We’re hosting the Cricket World Cup, which makes absolutely no sense at all, but holy shit: India, South Africa and England will all have their teams here at the same time. It’s gonna be awesome.

If we go back to the America’s Cup, you’ve got to ask yourself what exactly it was that we enjoyed about watching it. It was the simplicity. These are immensely powerful pieces of equipment, incredible feats of engineering, and yet it boiled down to screaming at the TV when one boat pushed the little line out further, or getting that glamour shot of the finish line.

As beautiful and complicated as sailing can be, most New Zealanders really enjoyed it on a basic level. That’s something that gets missed out when we count the costs of things, or when non-sports-fans try to understand the appeal. It’s really not the score that counts; it’s how you get there.

Randall Munroe of xkcd once brilliantly described sport as “a weighted random number generator” that we use to “build narratives”. Which is true. But by taking the meat out of the sandwich, so to speak, he’s drawing attention to it. At the end of the day, results and scores are just numbers. Seasons and trophies are just narratives. But it’s the weighting, the great emotional moments and the big plays, which gives us our real joy. We watch sport to follow our team and their narratives, sure, but on a fundamental level we’re engaging with it for the feels.

And you really can’t put a price on feels.

38 >>> salient.org.nz

 COLUMNS

our Life Fixing Y[BECAUSE OURS ARE WRITTEN OFF] In a display of indulgence reminiscent of the Palace of Versailles the week before the French Revolution, we decided to answer for you not just one but many questions, that have been asked time and time again, by your fellow googlers. (Not a euphemism.)

“How do I un-bake a cake?”

J- Tell it to have a pie and a sleep, and then wait a month before it takes a drug test.

Look, baking a cake is a chemical change and cannot be undone without seeing a shooting star, rubbing a lamp, or collecting all seven Dragon Balls.

H-

“How do I love thee?”

J- You don’t, really, but sometimes when I don’t talk to you much at parties you get sad and wonder whether you’re secretly in love with me, but then it turns out that you were kind of just drunk.

Worst of all, I don’t hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

H-

“How do I take a screenshot on mac?”

J- Command + Shift + 3.

H- Get your iPhone out.

“How does one become a lord?”

J- Accident of birth. Note: this does not mean the entire House of Lords were ‘happy accidents’.

Donate a lot of money to the victorious political party in the UK.

H-

salient.org.nz <<<

“How does one get pinkeye?”

“How will I know?”

J- By being a white mouse.

H- It takes a couple of years of effort, but

J- When you actually hear the tree falling

with dedication you’ll get there.

“How does one become a saint?”

J- I read this in the sense that a scarf or a colour can ‘become’ you, like ‘look good on you’. The best way to ‘become’ a saint, then, is to perch on their shoulders and smile.

Become a Catholic and drop miracles like stacks in the club.

H-

“How does tinder work?”

J- It doesn’t work.

H- It’s driven by the power of nervous laughter.

“Why isn’t the sky violet?”

J- Physics. Don’t ask questions.

H- Because God hadn’t reached his disco phase by Day 2.

“Why isn’t Pluto a planet?”

in the woods and making a sound. But that isn’t the formulation. So, to sum up, never.

I’ll tie a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree.

H-

“Is it possible to change eye colour?”

J- Just comment the colour you want, then like it, then re-vine it.

H- See above re: pinkeye.

“Is it possible to predict earthquakes?”

J- Yes, you just say “NOW” every five seconds.

H- Only for Tinie Tempah.

“Is it possible to live on Mars?”

J- Twix would probably have more fibre.

H- Anything is possible in the world of human technology.

“Can you ever just be whelmed?”

J- Why aren’t 48May Grammy-winners?

H- You can’t argue with science, okay? Let J & H- I think you can in Europe. it go.

“How am I to be?”

J- This kind of existentialism makes me nauseated.

Que sera sera, whatever will be will be, the future’s not ours to see, que sera sera.

“Can you ever run out of sperm?”

J- Nah, I hear that shit is viscous.

H- No. But that hasn’t stopped anyone from trying.

H-

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COLUMNS 

Things That Go Bump In The Night with Lux Lisbon & Seymour Butts

Everything But Lux Lisbon on...

FOREPLAY The power of foreplay cannot be underestimated; just the right amount of anticipation will have you begging for it, and ensure some of the best sex you can have.

A lot of people are a little disillusioned and ill-informed when it comes to just what foreplay is; it’s not limited to the exchange of saliva and some heavy petting. I can’t speak for every woman out there, but for me foreplay is incredibly important, and so much of the enjoyment that flows from a good fuck is what is going on inside your own head. Foreplay is the best way to get a busy mind in the game.

oiled up; it’s great for your skin, and it will make you feel super-relaxed. Plus, it is only fair that your partner then returns the favour.

If you and your sexual partner are planning on spending some time together at a later time, a sexy and suggestive text message or a phone call can be a very welcome lead-in and means of foreshadowing just what you plan to do to them later. I’m not talking cringeworthy message from some terrible women’s mag like, “I push you down on the bed and unzip your pants using only my tongue,” but something you would really say to your partner: a little in-joke; what you want from them or to do to them. Get creative; it should be fun and easy.

Foreplay can be something you enjoy on your own too, before bringing your partner into the mix. Try taking a shower or a bath and letting your mind and body relax, thinking about what you would like to do to Dealing out an oily massage is an excellent your partner or what you would like to have way to warm up to the main event. It is a done to you. Now is also a good time to widely accepted fact that everyone looks explore your own body, touch yourself, and and feels sexier when they are nude and get things moving along. Telling your boo all about your alone time may also aid as excellent foreplay too—the Learn about Antarctica and gain 15 points! possibilities are endless.

Enrol in our fully online course exploring climate change, ORAL SEX environmental management and conservation in Antarctica – ANTA101 Cunnilingus Nov–Dec seems to be a controversial www.anta.canterbury.ac.nz/courses/ E: gateway-antarctica@canterbury.ac.nz topic, cloaked in P: 03 364 2136 taboo. Too many

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women are uncomfortable with it because of the sex-negative messages associated with the female body. Many have been told that the smell/taste is super-unpleasant (LIES) and men just aren’t that into it (LIES). And so we are left with this weird dynamic where men are unsure about dealing it out and women are uncomfortable at the thought of receiving it. But I urge you kids: do not fear the moustache ride.

When it comes to pleasing anyone, something that will get one person all hot and bothered may do absolutely nothing for someone else, and sometimes that particular thing that did get your partner incredibly hot last time just won’t the next time you try. This is why communication is essential. When in doubt, start slowly, and remember all the magic when it comes to oral is in the clitoris. Long, slow strokes will serve you well when you’re starting out. And make sure it’s nice and wet down there; a wet pussy is a happy pussy. Chances are if you have laid on a little foreplay, things will be heating up downstairs, but a little saliva never goes astray.

Some women may enjoy being penetrated at the same time: try inserting a finger or two while going to work on her clit with your tongue. Ask her if that feels good, and if you get a positive response, you know you’re doing well, kitten. Anal play is another part of sex which many women are uncomfortable with and not too keen to try, either because of their personal feelings about it or because of the stories they’ve heard. You could start by just applying a bit of contact in this area and move from there; ask her how it feels, and then you can decide whether to keep going or move onto another area.

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 COLUMNS

And a word for you ladies: only you can feel what is going on, what is good, what isn’t so good—so for the best oral sex, be sure to speak up! From my experience, if a guy has his head between your legs, he is there to please, and if there’s something he can do to get you off, he will happily oblige.

Seymour on…

We talk a lot about the deed itself in this column, but foreplay is to many people— myself included—more important. Sure, you can be skilful in the sack, but you’re not a decent lover unless your pre-game is good.

What feels good to you will not necessarily feel good to your partner, but a good place to start is knowing what works for you, and giving it a go on someone else. The most important thing is being able to read your partner. Foreplay is intimate, and sensual— you can’t get decent foreplay from a one-night stand—it comes from knowing the other person.

base of the penis, and the perineum are all sensitive areas that you shouldn’t neglect.

Your partner might enjoy being teased by you paying attention to these areas and leaving their cock alone for a bit. Suck their balls into your mouth one at a time, but be super-gentle about it. When you’re really turned on, balls can take more action than usual, but they’re still delicate. Play nice.

Lick your way up the shaft gently, take your time, and then swirl your tongue around the head, retracting the foreskin with your hands if necessary. This is the most sensitive part of the penis, so spend some time here, teasing as much as you want, and stay aware of how your partner is reacting to what you’re doing.

Take more and more of the penis into your mouth, making sure you cover it with plenty of saliva. You’ve no doubt heard it before,

throat curves down, so if your partner’s dick curves up, it’ll be difficult or impossible to take it down your throat if you’re positioned between their legs. You might want to try 69ing to line things up better. Conversely, if their cock curves downwards then blowing them in a 69 position will be harder, but easier if you’re between their legs. Arrange yourself in a position where you’re able to tilt your head back slightly, to straighten out your throat.

It’s best initially if the person giving the BJ is in control—after some practice, and with decent trust between the two of you, you can branch out. Try lying on your back with your head off the edge of the bed—then your partner can have more control and see their dick distending your throat, which is fucking hot.

The penis needs to be well-lubricated (with saliva), and your throat needs to be relaxed.

If you’re one of the lucky people with no gag reflex who can do this first time, congratulations, but for the rest of us, deepthroating is something you have to work at. Keep your tongue relaxed and towards the front of your mouth, not constructed at the back.

then your partner can have more control and see their dick distending your throat, which is fucking hot

If you’re lucky, it’ll be obvious when your partner enjoys something.

Listen for irregularities in their breathing that match up to things you’re doing, and learn to tell the difference between a sharp intake of breath resulting from pain, and one resulting from pleasure.

Do they moan? Excellent. Do that again.

Not everyone’s a moaner, of course, and if you’re not someone who makes a lot of noise, don’t feel like you have to.

There’s less pressure to perform in foreplay, and it’s a perfect opportunity to explore.

Find out if your partner has really sensitive fingertips, armpits, nipples, ears, elbows, a sensitive neck or collarbone. Tease them a little! Try not to break the mood, but it’s better to talk about something than make someone feel gross, or make them feel pain (that they’re not enjoying).

Blow jobs Remember all the foreplay stuff we just talked about? All that still applies. Balls, the insides of thighs, the area around the

but Jesus, be careful of your teeth—use your tongue and lips to avoid scraping any part of the penis. In fact, be aware of your tongue all the time—it’s awesome, and it seems a shame to waste such a dextrous muscle. One of my favourite things is to zigzag your tongue along the shaft as you go up and down on it.

Will you swallow? I usually do because I’m a) too awkward to find somewhere to spit and b) kinda like it anyway. That doesn’t mean you have to though! If you don’t want to, and you’re less awkward than I am, you can find your own solution.

Deep-throating Angles angles angles. In most cases you’ll be dealing with a pretty erect penis, so there won’t be a lot of bending going on, and that means that it’s your throat that has to change position to accommodate it. Your

You’ll probably have to push a little to get the penis into your throat. When I do it, it seems to happen quite suddenly, and the more times you do it the more prepared for it you are. Moving your head side to side a bit can help make things smoother, help find a better angle, and will feel good. Go slow, be aware of your gag reflex, don’t overdo it—it’s better to pull back and try again than to go hard out and bruise yourself.

Lastly, deep-throating isn’t something that’s required for a good blow job. Sure, it feels good, but so do plenty of other things.

The thickness of the penis makes all the difference, and a thinner one will be so much easier to swallow. If you can’t deepthroat for whatever reason, don’t worry! It’s fun, but it’s a sometimes food and is not the be-all and end-all of oral.

Lux and Seymour are our in-house sexperts. If you've got any questions about all things

If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately and confidentially with

love and lust, or a topic you want them to cover, go right ahead and ask anonymously

a professional, rather than Lux and Seymour, or Hector and Janet, Student Counselling

at ask.fm/LuxandSeymour. For everything else, there's Hector and Janet—our resident

Service can provide a safe place to explore such aspects of your life. The service is free

advice columnists. Contact them anonymously at ask.fm/FixingYourLife

and confidential.

Phone: (04) 463 5310 Email: counselling-service@vuw.ac.nz.Visit: Mauri Ora, Level 1, Student Union Building.

salient.org.nz <<<

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COLUMNS 

LIFESTYLES OF THE POOR & THE STUDIOUS weet The S p Scoo

By Julia Wells I'm never quite sure what I think about brownies. Theoretically I love them, of course. Squidgy, super-chocolatey, soft. They're more cake-like than any biscuit, and more biscuit-like than any cake. Pretty much the perfect baked good, am I right?

But then, brownies so often disappoint. They don't have enough chocolate in them, or they're too cake-like, or—worst of all—they are far too dry.

And I'm not only talking ‘bake-sale where you should have known better’ kind of brownies. Even professional recipes from highly respected cooks sometimes just turn out terribly. I've got an Alison Holst 20 Minute Desserts cookbook, which features a photo of what must be the worst-looking brownie I've ever seen. Even my little brother's brownies look tastier than that, and he puts Twisties in his.

So, when I say these are excellent brownies, you know I really mean it. After photographing them, I walked around my living room, trying to eat them while also mumbling incoherently “these are really good” at the same time.

They're rich and delicious, with great texture contrast from the peanuts.

Also, chocolate and peanut is just the best combination ever (sorry allergic people). Using roasted salted peanuts makes it even better.

Peanut Brownies 125 g butter 1 cup brown sugar ¾ cup cocoa powder 2 eggs ½ cup white flour

1 teaspoon baking powder 1 cup roasted salted peanuts 1/3–½ cup chocolate chips

Preheat the oven to 180 °C. Soften the butter, then cream/ mix with the sugar until light and fluffy. Mix in the cocoa powder, then the eggs. Add the flour and baking powder, and beat until smooth and glossy. Stir in the peanuts and chocolate chips, then pour into a greased tin. Bake until almost cooked (about 20–25 minutes). Leave for a few minutes to cool and harden before cutting.

These are also very simple to make. Rather than expend time/make more mess by melting chocolate, these use lots of cocoa powder to achieve the rich chocolate taste. You soften butter, mix everything else in, and then bake. As easy as that. The main trick is to watch the brownies carefully, as they just aren't the same when overcooked. You want to take them out of the oven when they are still slightly underdone. One final word of warning: the large amount of peanuts in these makes them quite crumbly. A napkin or a plate is highly recommended. These are lovely on their own, but for total amazingness, serve warm with vanilla ice cream.

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 COLUMNS

Health tip # 22

Summer Sips

Cop a feel: testicular selfexamination

AN APPLE A DAY

Testicular cancer is the most common cancer in young men. Affecting about one man in 500, it is curable. Early detection is key—get to know your testicles!

Feel yourself once a month to keep tabs on your balls. When you’re showering, gently roll each testicle separately between your thumb and first two fingers.

They ought to be smooth, so feel for lumps or bumps. Be aware that the pipe at the top and back of your testicle (epidydimis) is pretty lumpy anyway, so you’re feeling for lumps on the ball itself.

Most lumps aren’t cancer, but should be checked out by a doctor.

Bacchus knows best

By Bacchus Throughout the year, I’ve passed on a few tips on how to pick cheap wine that is not just good, but also something interesting and special that is bound to impress.

A quick recap if you’re just joining me: stay away from heavily oaked wines, Central Otago wines and Pinot gris, as these three, for various reasons, seem to add $$$ to the price of the juice in your bottle. While you can pick up a Pinot gris fairly easily, they are yet to establish a regional style within New Zealand, and unless you’ve tried the brand before it could be dry or extremely luscious #russianroulettewine.

Instead, go for young, fresh wines— especially as spring is trying to sprung.

Countries that have dirt-cheap land and labour also produce quality wines at a much cheaper price—I knew there was an upside to the Spanish and Greek economies being in the poop.

I know it’s easy to smash back a bottle of $8.99 Aussie Shiraz from the supermarket, but I implore you head to any number of specialty wine shops in Wellington, and let them steer you in the right direction; they’ll be able to tell you much more than the staff at your local New World Metro.

Before everybody gets down to the business end of their studious year for the

salient.org.nz <<<

next little while, I just want to put a light at the end of the tunnel—as faint as it may seem from here—and share a few wine tips for summer.

Real men drink rosé: What you may think is a candy-floss, girly drink can be made in dry, textured styles, and is a really refreshing taste for summer. Try those made in Hawke’s Bay from Cabernet Franc and Malbec grapes. When the sun is shining, pack a picnic basket of your favourite antipasto offerings and a bottle of the pink stuff—there is nothing wrong with four blokes sitting in Aro Park watching the Sun go down.

Bottles for the beach: If you love that thin sandy line between the ocean and our home terra firma, you’re going to love my next favourite. When summer hits, there’s nothing better than fish ‘n’ chips at the beach with a bottle of bubbly. It doesn’t have to be a good bubbly, because as scientific studies* have proven beyond a doubt, the combination of sea air, sand and ambient temperature combine to make a nicer wine. A nice crisp pilsner would also work, but the natural acidity in bubbly cuts through any excess oils or trans fats from your chips, so why not keep it classy?

Have a great summer, Bacchus. *Based on absolutely no scientific data whatsoever, although could be a good basis for someone’s thesis next year…?

www.everyman-campaign.org/Testicular_Cancer/ Testicular_cancer_self_examination/

Things Your

Grandmother Should Have Taught You

By Alexandra Hollis

Messy keyboards: You could try mushing Blu Tack down there, but sometimes old Blu Tack makes everything worse (that’s some life advice right for free kids!). Instead, grab a Post-it note and use the sticky end to clean out the grime between your keys.

Boiling eggs: Add a teaspoon of baking soda to the boiling water and the shell will peel itself!

Reheating food: Make a space in the middle so the pasta/ rice/noodles/whatever is arranged in a ring around the plate—this way, you won’t have an awkward cold patch in the middle.

Break out of the instant noodle: Buy wet, packaged noodles from the supermarket. To cook, put in a pan of cold water, then set to boil. Once the water’s boiled the noodles should be cooked. iOS 7 = <3: Did you know that it has a building level?!

Open up the compass, then swipe left.

Place your iPhone next to something and test whether it’s properly horizontal/vertical.

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ARTS 

ARTS Salient Arts Rating Guide: 5 Stars: Botanical Gardens. 4 Stars: The Wellington Zoo. 3 Stars: Zealandia. 2 Stars: Katherine Mansfield House.

1 Star: Your flat. 0 Stars: The Hub

visual arts 

Activating Abstraction ARTICLE

Morgan Ashworth

Cathryn Monro, Passage, National Library Gallery (ground floor), until 15 Nov Cathryn Monro’s installation Passage hangs in the window space of the gallery at the National Library of New Zealand. Lines totalling 3.5 km are strung with transparent beads, hanging from floor to ceiling throughout the space. The strands are aligned in a regimented grid, bisected by two straight channels empty of beads. Hanging still, the gridded strands form patterns to the eye as the viewer passes by them. Untouched, the work is ordered and static.

Passage was first exhibited in Auckland at Artspace in 1998. It currently hangs alongside the National Library's exhibition programme Tirohia Mai, which tells the history of women in New Zealand. Monro's work can be read in this context, but is equally rich viewed simply as a stunning piece of contemporary sculpture.

The patterns bring to mind Jim Allen’s Space Plane, a hanging installation with a similar grid format, which I was required to babysit when it was part of the Points of Contact exhibition at the Adam Art Gallery in 2011. As someone with a propensity

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for structure and order, I have an itch to detangle the strands back into their regular grid after the artwork has been interacted with. At the Adam, this was relatively rare, as my primary task was to make sure no one touched it in the first place. In the case of Passage, however, the tangled strands remaining at the end of the day betray that the ordered beauty of the still work is secondary to its purpose as an experiential installation; a temporary pause before it is brought to life by our interaction with it.

The name Passage refers to the act of passage through the work, rather than the static passages that it physically defines. The artwork charts out space, its form consisting of the empty spaces defined by the beads as well as the strands of beads themselves. I have watched as visitors who enter the work may try to walk along the empty spaces, avoiding contact with the artwork, accustomed to the harshly whispered “Don’t touch!” of art galleries and museums. (Disclaimer: I have never harshly whispered “Don’t touch!” to a visitor.) Passage, however, invites you to interact with it: the empty strips running through are narrower than shoulder-width. Even if you try to sneak through, you’re likely to set the strands into motion. And once a shoulder bumps a string of beads, a transformation occurs. The movement is infectious. The

previously tentative visitor becomes more adventurous, even running through the window space with outstretched arms.

Once inside Passage your environment is transformed. The thousands of beads catch and refract light around you, dancing into life as they are activated through contact. They invite you to stray from the path and make your own passages through the work, telling your own story and sculpting uniquely with the movement of your body. On display in a glass case, your movements are visible from all sides. When you enter the work you become a part of it, activating it and completing it. Are you now on display as part of the work? Your interaction with it is now theatrical, transforming it from static sculpture to performance piece.

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 ARTS

books 

li twit ure

By Alexandra Hollis The Metamorphosis, by Franz Kafka @gregorsamsa: Work tomorrow... :( #doldrumsofanindustrialisedsociety @grogorsamsa: beautyful morning! @gorgorsamsa: feelin a lil weird tho? @gorgonsamsa: ohhshit in late!!2!!! @Mrs_Samsa: @gregorsamsa Gregor, honey, what’s up? @twitter: @Mrs_Samsa Sorry, that page doesn’t exist! @gorgonramsa: waitwhatshappeningohfuckffffkkkkkfuckfuckkjkhk @grete_samsa: @gregorsamsa Greg you ok????? @twitter: @grete_samsa Sorry, that page doesn’t exist! @gorgonransa: @Mrs_Samsa @grete_samsa mummmm nodontcomeinhere @gorgonranda: @Mrs_Samsa @grete_samsa im ok @gorgonpanda: @Mrs_Samsa @grete_samsa ISAIDDONTCOMEIN @Mr_Samsa: Holyyyy fuccckkkk @Mrs_Samsa: My baby!!!!1!!!!! @grete_samsa: omg LOOK AT MY BROTHER GUISE:

COUNCIL ELECTIONS 2013— CALL FOR NOMINATIONS ELECTION OF ONE MEMBER OF THE UNIVERSITY COUNCIL BY THE STUDENTS OF THE UNIVERSITY

The term of office of one student member of Council (David Alsop) expires on 31 December 2013.

Nominations are invited to fill this vacancy from 1 January 2014 for a term of one year.

Nominations, which must have the consent of the nominee, close with the Returning Officer at 5.00pm on Wednesday 9 October 2013. A nominee must be a person who is or has been a student at Victoria University.

All students are eligible to make nominations and vote in the election. For election purposes, a student is any person currently enrolled in a personal course of study at Victoria University or a person who is studying at the University under an exchange agreement with another institution.

Given the short time available to run this election, it will not adhere strictly to the timeframes in the Council Election Statute. However, all other aspects of that Statute will apply.

NOMINATION FORMS Copies of the nomination form and the information sheet to be completed by the candidates are available on the University website, from Reception in the Hunter Building, or by contacting the Returning Officer.

CLOSING OF THE STUDENT ROLL @Mr_Samsa: @gorgonpanda Get the fuck away from us. #vermin @pandagorgon: :( @mandagorgon: @grete_samsa @Mr_Samsa @Mrs_Samsa plsss halpp sum1 call werk ih shitt @mondagorgon: @Work plds dnt fire me m sistersa violinst @Work: @monstagorgon Mr Samsa You Are Fired Goodbye @monstagorgon: everthingns thworst @monstagorgin: atualy its ok ican walk n th walll lol @monstagormin: #wheeeeeeeeee @monstagermin: gddmmt tht hurtts wgats happninb nww @monstavermin: fdghkiis!3@hfg?! @Mr_Samsa: Thank fuck.

salient.org.nz <<<

The Student Roll will close at 5.00pm on Thursday 10 October 2013.

DATE OF ELECTION If the number of nominations exceeds the number of vacancies, an election will be held on Friday 18 October 2013, with the polls closing at 5.00pm. Candidates will be elected by the single transferable vote method.

Voting documents will be sent to students at their preferred University email addresses.

Caroline Ward Secretary to Council and Returning Officer Victoria University of Wellington PO Box 600, Wellington Caroline.ward@vuw.ac.nz (04) 463 5196

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ARTS 

music 

How Many Padmes Hum - Zen Mantra

review

Daniel Chapple

With sophomore releases from Unknown Mortal Orchestra and Tame Impala over the past 12 months, Australasia is at the very forefront of a thriving psychedelic scene. So it is no surprise that 18-year-old Australian-born and Christchurch-based Sam Perry is creating noticeable attention with his bedroom-produced project Zen Mantra.

His album How Many Padmes Hum is a malapropism on the Buddhist chant “Om Mani Padme Hum”, and was released earlier this year on Auckland based Muzai Records.

Its international release in June from Stroll On Records (UK) and Crash Symbols (US) was remastered by none other than Kody Nielson (Opossum, Mint Chicks).

The album’s highlight comes from single ‘Fossils’, a garage anthem of misspent youth. With Perry wistfully lamenting “thinking I still had time to waste, thinking I still had time by your side” over fuzz-driven guitars and handclaps, the track becomes a pop song very much in the same vein of The Chills’ ‘Pink Frost’.

‘Sakura’, Perry’s self-proclaimed ‘poppiest’ song, packs as much punch as Justin Bieber’s recent assault on the paparazzi. But all is forgiven when we reach the album’s closer, ‘I Wonder What It’s Like Out There’. This is an escapist’s guide to the galaxy, drifting over an arpeggiated dream-pop chord progression and interstellar synths.

Being a DIY project created mostly by Perry alone, you can allow for some subtle flaws in the

production. But, with a recent grant of $10,000 from NZ On Air, new, sonically refined sounds can be expected in the near future.

Featuring elements of psych, shoegaze and dream pop, Perry has created a concise and convincing debut with How Many Padmes Hum. Though adding nothing new to these genres, he is already towering above his peers. With a recent nod from electropop darling Lorde, hopefully we will see Zen Mantra follow suit.

4/5 Head over to Bandcamp to cop the album, and be sure to check out his show at Puppies on 4 October with Tommy Ill, Totems and $noregazZzm.

The opening track, aptly titled ‘Intro’, begins with a slow, incense-burning guitar, and is accompanied with a trance-inducing vocal drone provided by Perry. This is followed by ‘Cloudgazer’, a dreamy shoegaze number with female backing vocals in a Belinda Butcher fashion that adds to its phantasm.

‘Change’—which topped NME’s ‘Must Hear Tracks’ earlier in the year—and ‘La La La La La’ both have a slacker-punk quality that would be befitting of a Wavves record. The latter sees Perry creating an enthralling hook out of a childlike drawl.

Five Sentences That Sum Up Never Was The Same by Drake “Popular Jewish/Canadian rapper is still real sad despite getting to hang out with 2 Chainz. Great record.”

- Miles Sutton

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"Drake is done with the nice guy act; he's sick of commercial expectations, sick of his lost loves, and ready to take on the world."

- Hugh Haworth

“Drake still isn't over you, but tells you why in impressive ways, with this stunning show of lyrical and musical force.”

“Lots of the direct emotional shit Drake does well, the album barely features anyone else but doesn’t need to; Drake asserting himself as the biggest rapper out.”

- Henry Cooke

- Sophie Boot

- Riley Brightwell

“I dunno if I can do it, I don’t think I can do the album justice.”

>>> salient.org.nz

 ARTS

GAMES 

A Grand Moral Theft

Characters who shouted at each other too much about things I didn't understand. review

Patrick Lindsay

As our usual reviewer is far too busy being financially thrifty and responsible about exams to have played Grand Theft Auto V, we've subcontracted out this week's review.

Susan, a 45-year-old mother of two small children and self-professed expert in Rockstar's newest phenomenon, is here to tell you all whether GTAV is worth throwing your life away for.

I first heard about Grand Theft Auto when Daisy, the wife of my son's soccer coach, brought it up over coffee. She said she'd bought her son Tristan the new video game he'd been wanting, and now my son was playing it with him. I asked what it was, and the next words ended our friendship forever.

Grand Theft Auto V! How dare she let my son have anything to do with that horrible game? I'd heard about it on TV and seen the posters all over town. My teenage daughter said there were some of the posters up at Victoria University and on Cuba St last time we talked. I bet she was trying to ask me for money for this filthy thing, and I don't need her to have another bad habit! The posters all show violent men doing frightening things, pornographic things, even! One of them has tattoos on his neck, of all places. Another one is wearing a suit and looks respectable, but I bet he's a murderer.

That's just the sort of game this is—everyone is reprehensible, even if they look nice.

I couldn't bear to play this game myself, but because I was writing this review and deeply wanted to report with integrity, I watched Tristan play Grand Theft Your Children's Innocence for five minutes before screaming. Here are some of the disgusting things I saw A huge world with cities, mountain ranges, farms and suburbs—all filled with hundreds of criminals and no doubt horrible people.

Cars that drove too fast and didn't care about their carbon emissions.

A seven-year-old boy quickly becoming a murderer by sitting on a couch playing a video game.

I'd seen enough—this 'game' was the worst thing I'd ever seen. I went home with my son and didn't say a word to him in the car. Needless to say, he was grounded for a month and I promised to extend that if he even thought about running over a prostitute or hijacking a plane. I put on my night-cream and eye-mask and went straight to bed, hoping I wouldn't have any nightmares.

Grand Theft Auto V is terrible, and I can't think of a single reason for it to exist! I strongly believe it will corrupt the minds of the children who play it and turn them into socially maladjusted demons.

Why can't they all just play the same games in the street that we did as children, instead of touching this video shame?

I couldn't sleep, so I watched some good wholesome TV. SVU was on—nothing helps me relax like its graphically realistic descriptions of murder and sexual violence!

Thank God I didn't have to touch that game to give it this rating:

Negative 5 stars

What's on Film: German Film Festival – Focus Friedrich Wilhelm Murnau 1–5 October, The Film Archive, 84 Taranaki St, Te Aro G/A – $8, concession – $6, opening night – $15 Door Sales Only

ART: Public lecture by Professor Geoffrey Batchen: talk will consider what we can learn about photography’s possible futures from a close examination of its past. Massey University, Peter Turner Memorial Lecture. Thursday 3 October 2013, 6 pm, Free entry 30 Upstairs Karyn Taylor, Abstract Philosophy Bevan Shaw and Carolyn Ayson, World of Forms 26 September – 19 October Carter Observatory 'Light and Dark' photography competition info at www.facebook.com/carterobservatory 1 October – 30 November {Suite} Neil Pardington – The Order of Things 3 October – 26 October

Pros: Nothing It's disgusting Why would anybody want to play this filth!

Cons: The entire thing It made my eyes hurt with flashing lights The fact that wholesome rock stars abandoned their music to make this exist

music: Justin Timberlake’s new album, The 20/20 Experience 2 of 2, is streaming on iTunes!

New Deltron 3030 is streaming on Pitchfork!

A new compilations of Unwound B-Sides is streaming on Pitchfork!

New Lorde LP, Pure Heroine, has (allegedly) leaked onto the internet (UNCONFIRMED WE SWEAR)!

salient.org.nz <<<

47

ARTS 

film 

ONE DIRECTION: THIS IS US

review

DIRECTED BY: MORGAN SPURLOCK REVIEWED BY: LAURA BURNS

Let's face it, like almost everyone on the planet (including my dad), you probably love One Direction. Why else would you be reading this review? Unless you read the title, rolled your eyes and decided to read this so you can feel superior and scoff at the masterpiece that is Morgan Spurlock's One Direction: This Is Us. Well, firstly, don't be a hater. Secondly, I'd bet that if you saw this movie with an open mind and an open heart, you would change your tune.

I went to see the movie with a group of five other friends on a Saturday night dressed in our best #yopro attire, where we totally spent 20 minutes before the movie taking selfies with the life-size cutouts of the boys. We all had a fucking amazing time. This film has a lot to offer any degree of One Direction fan, from the total newbie who would love to learn more about their origin story, to the wise and weathered 1D fan who already knows all of their favourite bands and X Factor audition songs.

This Is Us has a decent selection of live concert footage from their recent tour. Mostly the hits and fun jams (although move along ‘Little Things’,

you're bringing down the tone). Despite being known for foregoing the classic boy-band schtick of choreographed dance routines, One Direction put on an entertaining concert. Watching them prance around the stage and mess with each other is a good time, and you're probably going to have to stop yourself from singing along loudly to ‘Kiss You’ in the theatre (because damn it, you still have some dignity!) Watching the live performances makes me jealous of the younger members in the crowd who get to claim 1D as their first concert; the only thing I remember about my first concert, 5ive, is waiting in line for the bathroom at TSB Arena. If it was half the show that One Direction put on, I feel like my memories would never fade. For bonus points, please look out for a shot of a Dad hating his life in one of the shots panning through the crowd.

The movie does a good job of showing 1D's fun side through interviews and candid moments; however, there are a few serious clips thrown in that make you suddenly very glad that the 3D glasses you're wearing act like blinders, so no one can see you starting to tear up when Zayn buys his mum a house. But there are plenty of great gags in the movie, of the boys just messing around and being a bit stupid; you can definitely tell they're great bros. There are particular moments of hilarity that are so solid that an (unnamed) friend actually fell off her seat because she just couldn't deal with it.

There's ample shots of the boys shirtless or getting changed, so don't worry if you thought it'd be lacking in that aspect of important cinematography. The quota is definitely filled.

The 3D aspect is completely unnecessary, and I think that's why I love it. They've thrown in a bunch of special effects throughout the live performances, which might be borderline ridiculous, but that's the appeal—they turn into superheroes at one point. It’s awesome.

If you're not moved when the boys' families are interviewed, or crack at least a tiny smile when they disguise themselves and surprise fans, then you are probably dead inside; this movie is a wonderful time and will lift your spirits even higher than 1D's tallest quiff. I recommend seeing it with a group of like-minded friends, and sit in the back row so no one can judge you when you lose your shit. If you must see it by yourself, it's alright! You're among friends here; no one will judge you for your love.

The movie is obviously made with the fans in mind, but I guarantee that even if you aren't a fan going in, you'll probably be walking out of the theatre screaming about how you've never been a Liam person, but This Is Us made you see the light.

10,000 stars = everyone.

THIS IS US 48

>>> salient.org.nz

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salient.org.nz <<<

49

PUZZLES 

PUZZLES

va rie ty pu zz le s & CR OSSWO RD by pu ck — AN SW ERS NE XT ISSUE

'Adding Up' - DIFFICULTY: MEDIUM 45. Mischievous 49. Like Marilyn Monroe, famously 51. Continental currency 52. El ___ (Texas city) 54. Bailout key 55. Greek marketplace that lends its name to a phobia 57. Localised carpeting 58. Catch, as water 60. Ginsu product with five stars?

65. Linguistic suffix 66. Location in many Bond films 67. ‘___ Club’ (50 Cent song) 68. Ending of many co. names 69. Basco who was Zuko in ‘Avatar: The Last Airbender’ 70. Ivan the Terrible, for one

ACROSS 1. Actor Alan of ‘M*A*S*H’ 5. Deliberately lost 10. It might be made by a ‘sandwich artist’ 13. ‘___ of Our Lives’ 14. Acted like a banshee 16. Metallica or U2 hit 17. Kipling tales told over a light dinner?

20. Hack (off) 21. Author of ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ 22. You might be graded on one

23. One who loves you, in a Beatles song 25. Group (abbr.)

27. Sugar source 28. Like many comments on reviews of ‘GTA V’ 30. Partitions 33. Idle or Bana 34. A in physics?

37. ‘Wolves Howling: the Musical’?

42. Remove the 43-Across from, as a boat 43. See 42-Across

DOWN 1. Describing word (abbr.)

2. Chinese crime lord in ‘The Dark Knight’ 3. Having a particular reading impediment 4. Regarding 5. 16-Across doubled 6. Drags 7. Come to fruition?

8. Last word of many threats 9. When tripled, ‘Love Is All Around’ band 10. Intimate party 11. On a lean 12. Puts back to zero, maybe 15. ER figure 18. Retreats with mud baths 19. ___ Goldberg machine (feature of an awesome OKGo video) 23. Dir. from New Plymouth to Wellington

24. Wife and sister of Zeus 26. Looks rudely at 29. “__ bin ein Berliner” (JFK line) 30. Put on trademe 31. Cake leftovers 32. Public image, slangily 35. ‘___ Ado about Nothing’ 36. Broadcast about nuclear fallout or drugs, maybe (abbr.)

38. ___-Wan (Luke’s mentor) 39. ___ Jima (Japanese island) 40. Back-row items at bowling alleys 41. They might justify the means 44. NYE month 45. It pops, in a nursery rhyme 46. Birth month of many Leos 47. Felt around, or felt up 48. Feature of many modern horror films 50. Security detail?

52. President after Yeltsin 53. Worker for the FBI or CIA 56. 22-Across, geometrically 57. Tabula ___ (‘blank slate’) 59. Army grouping 61. Cool, in 80s slang 62. A deer, a female deer 63. US dietary agency, for short 64. Anvil bone’s location

QUIZ 1. By what score did Oracle defeat Team New Zealand in the America’s Cup last week?

6. How many of the Wellington City mayoral candidates have previously stood for Parliament?

2. With which two countries is New Zealand competing for a place on the UN Security Council from 2015 to 2016?

7. Ipoh, Johor Bahru and Kota Kinabalu are all cities in which country?

3. In which country did Angela Merkel recently get re-elected as Chancellor?

8. In the upcoming partial sale of Meridian Energy, what is the maximum percentage of shares the Government will sell?

4. True or false: Grand Theft Auto V earned a record US$1 billion in the first 24 hours of its release.

9. Which music festival will be held at Silo Park in Auckland in January next year?

5. Which of the planets in the Solar System has the greatest number of (known) moons?

10. By what Japanese-derived name is white radish often known?

Answers: 1. 9 to 8. 2. Spain and Turkey. 3. Germany. 4. False (it only earned $800 million in that time—still a record, though). 5. Jupiter. 6. Four (Karunanidhi Muthu, Celia Wade-Brown, Jack Yan and Nicola Young). 7. Malaysia. 8. 49 per cent. 9. The Laneway Festival. 10. Daikon.

50

>>> salient.org.nz

ve u' me z yo ga g.n w r r no you t.o do et en o G li a t t e? ha g t s w pa e a d s le hi lin zz d t on Pu e y ish pla fin nd a on

?

 PUZZLES

TARGET

n t o

c y r a u e

Target rating guide: 0-15 words: do you even go here?

16-25 words: alright 26-35 words: decent 36-50 words: PRO 80+ words: free drink

Disemvowelling

Difficulty: Medium

Below are four categories, with five entries each. The vowels have been removed from all of them. The consonants are in the right order, but spaces have been removed and added randomly. As a hint (and in honour of both this issue’s theme, and the show ‘Only Connect’, where this puzzle comes from), one answer in each category contains the word ‘VICTORIA’.

‘Kiwi Songs Often Played on the Studylink Helpline (Song and Artist)’ SWYB CRNG LY DFRP TRL VCT RDNCX PNNTS LYLD VDBB YN ‘Wellington Landmarks’ DWNS TGTH TR MN TVCTR LDGV RNM NTB LDNG DMRTG LLRY ‘English Monarchs’ KN GGRGT HFF TH HRL DGDW NSN QNLZ BTHTHS CND QNV CTR ‘Largest Lakes and Their Continents’ VC TRN DFRC SPRRN DNT HMRC TTCCN DSTH MRC VST KNDNT RCTC

SUDOKU difficulty: easy

salient.org.nz <<<

difficulty: medium

difficulty: hard

51

LETTERS 

letters happen here. Yet, I know that class reps,

at the national conference in November.

organizations have received numerous

VUWSA is leading the way on that.

reports from students but nothing is ever

As the current president of NZUSA I can

done about it.

only stand by what our members collectively

This follows on to poor participation from

direct our small office to do, and by the

students in elections whether it be societies

actions that are taken to represent student

or VUWSA. This University needs a leader.

interests such as our research-driven

Consideration should be given to societies

'Nothing About Students Without Students'

"working" together but despite attempts

campaign.

by many, a few of our leaders lack a

So students of VUW, please check out our

Dear Salient,

fundamental skill. The ability to communicate.

website at www.students.org.nz

Given the recent circumstances, I, Dean

This was acknowledged by an accounting

Better than that, the door is always open to

Barker am formally nominating myself for

lecturer whom took ownership off comments

visit the office we work from on Lambton

the VUWSA Presidency. I am very good at

from many in the business community of

Quay next door to Scoop Independent News

promising things and getting very close to

VUW Accounting major graduates being

and where we share space with Generation

delivering them. I am used to dealing with

smart and possessing high caliber analytical

Zero - an example to us all of a genuine

failure, making me a perfect candidate for

skills - but cannot communicate results

youth movement with a level of energy and

running VUWSA. I am also good at getting

or recommendations to the applicable

organisation we should aspire to.

major sponsors which would help solve

stakeholders.

NZUSA exists as your national body, not

the funding problem. Just think: "Emirates

I hereby issue a challenge to all VUWSA

mine. It's your decision to keep it and use it,

Victoria University of Wellington Students

President graduates to answer one simple

or discard it and lose it.

Association"

question. How are you going to make us

Pete Hodkinson

So please, vote for me. I need a job. I can't

follow your leadership? McCourt in my

NZUSA President

take another loss.

opinion has laid down the foundations for

Plus, my salary demands come in at a

2014. Here is one man who has stood up,

reasonable $36 million, a steal for someone

said what he is going to do and within his

so experienced in failure as I am.

resources - has delivered to some degree

Yours hopefully,

on his promises. Remember as students, the

With all this talk about VBC struggling to

Dean Barker.

power we have can change how things work

make ends meet, I wanted to point out that

here.

there’s another radio station on campus

Never doubt that a small group of committed

which is thriving! HumanFM, broadcasting

people can change the world. Indeed, it is the

at Ramsey House on Kelburn Parade and

only thing that ever has.

streaming online and at 88.1FM, is an

Regards,

AngChap initiative which aims to showcase

Student

our humanity and provide a creative

letter of the week

win a $10 voucher for the hunter lounge

dirty tack-tics

(s)on ya mind Dear Helplient,

show offs

um......I've just got the strangest feeling at this

outlet for the student community. Human

hour, but i feel like i've been brainwashed by

showcases many musical genres and

the propaganda In the student union to vote for Sonya.

offers a space for debate on topics such as

sent from a sinking ship

Is that weird?

Paranoid chic.

eco-justice, politics and theology. We also organise regular events at Ramsey: “Blah Blah

Dear Salient,

Blah” nights featuring local musicians and

Thank you for your coverage of the VUWSA

poets baring their souls before their peers

Referendum where students will have a

and “Do Something” social justice forums

say on whether VUWSA continues to pay

investigating issues such as climate change,

towards a reformed national body for

consumerism, child poverty and the over-

students (NZUSA) by ticking YES, or not, by

representation of Maori in prison. Podcasts

ticking NO.

of past events can be found on our website

Dear Salient and the VUW community

On the student scene NZUSA (1929) shares

humanfm.co.nz Human is funded by the

[abridged]

a long history with the likes of Salient (1938)

Anglican Church – score! – has a team of 30+

Since arriving at Vic, it has been hard to see

and Critic (1925). Of course there have been

dedicated volunteers and plans to partner

any evidence of any student representative

many significant ground-shifting changes

with other groups and expand next year, so

organization holding the university to

over such a long history, and especially in the

we’re going strong! ‘Humanity ~ Humanise ~

account. It seems that "speaking out" and

last decade.

Human Rights ~ Humanoid ~ HumanFM'

being taught to how faculties conduct

But that was then, and this is now. Changes

Emily Watson

examinations, tests and courses doesn't

need to happen and changes will be made

Thanks for your letter, Rory

"questioning" what you see, what you are

52

>>> salient.org.nz



nt k! me ? z in s th om .n g c er u tt yo an or . c Le at u nt h w yo lie ow ow sa kn kn at s u yo icle t id D n ar o

letters effect of, "I may hate what you say but I'll

4, so good!

defend to the death your right to say it."

Also, really gross joke i heard that vaugely

That was Voltaire, a pretty opinionated guy

relates:

Dear Salient,

himself.

"Anything after 12's lunch"

Beauty and the Geek is auditioning in New

So I'm wondering, would you be at all willing

): [D geddit - refering to age... instead of time

Zealand. It is my favourite show and I want

to move beyond an emotive gut-reaction and

of day ):D))

to be on it. Real. Bad. Problem is I'm not

engage in a bit of old-school conversation

Yours,

beautiful enough to be a Beauty or geeky

about your beliefs rather than ranting?

Terrible person

enough to be a Geek.

If not, :(. But hey, that's your prerogative.

What should I do?

If yes, let's catch up! Coffee (or your

Yours desperately,

beverage of choice) on me.

Liz Shaw.

Peace.

could always host?

a wordsmith in our presence

* btw- I'm not part of the Just Think crew.

Just sayin'.

put a (red) sock in it

** wanna get in touch? flick me at message at

Dear Smithslient,

grace.sotutu@gmail.com

I am the son and the heir, of a shyness that is criminally vulgar.

America's Cup Blues

I lie in my bed and i think about life and I

A lone red sock lies listless,

think about death, and neither particularly

om.

draped sadly off the side of a washing machine.

appeals.

At the End of the pier, end of the bay

A horny hunchbacked teen saunters past-

Dear Salient,

You tug my arm and say : "Give in to lust,

grabs the sock with his grubbily greased

I don't know who else to go to.

Givie up to lust, oh heaven knows we'll soon

hand.

Over the past 3 years I've been at Victoria,

be dust..."

The sock, once worn with pride and hope,

managed to iterate my internet routine to

Oh, I'm not the man you think I am. I'm not

becomes a jizz recepticle for a sad and lonely

an uninterrupted mantra. I open up crome,

the man you think I am, and sorrow's native

gremlin.

Facebook, Youtube and Reddit, ready with a

son, he will not rise for anyone.

'f' 'enter', 'y' 'enter', 'r' enter. I've un liked such

I could have been wild and I could have been

pages as 'I can't mate I've got Quidditch'

free, but Nature played this trick on me, she

and 'Bring back Georgie Pie' to clean up my

wants it now, And she will not wait, but she's

feed. I unconsciously ignore the homepage

too rough and i'm too delicate.

of ytube and go straight to subscriptions. I've

Frankly,

decanted to just my favorite subreddits of /r/

Mr Shankey

So clearly abortion is something you

Scary Bilbo, /r/Room Porn,/r/Gaybros and /r/

It's a shame he didn't do so well on his own,

feel pretty intensely about. That's cool.

batman.

he wrote some nice stuff.

Passionate people are cool. I get that you

Despite my best efforts and passion for a

But apparently he was a real dick.

have opinions and beliefs. I get that the

life of streamline and minimalism, I have one

Just Think pamphlets left you seething.

crippling interruption. It affects everyone at

What I don't get is how inviting students

victoria and something must be done.

to consider a reasoned set of arguments

Cafenet.

constitutes "forcing your views onto those

It must be destroyed.

that don't need it." How are we supposed to

Best,

Cher Saillant!

test how legit our logic is if we immediately

River Campbell

Je me demande si il ya une parole pieuse

dismiss contradicting schools of thought as

Wellington Buddhism Community

non-français, ou plutôt "lecture" lecteurs

'sickening'? Would you have been as equally

Representative

saillants qui seront minutieusement ce

just pash already Hey ‘Opinionated Me’,

merde

irate about 'forced views' if a pro-choice

type dans google translate, ou, encore plus

group had scattered paraphernalia about the

amusante, les francophones, raillant les erreurs grammaticales inévitables qu'il a

campus?

I'm also curious to know how you define

cool story, bro

généré. Oh ho ho!

Ooo Rev wah,

'narrow-minded'. From what you've expressed, it's like you're all for tolerance-

Dear Salient,

Monsieur Incroyable

except when it comes to viewpoints

After 4 at The Hunter lounge!

Ps. Mmm Google Translate colle vraiment

opposing your own.

Omnomnom cheap croissants.

And I gotta ask- how openminded is that

Half price after 3 was unreasonable, I felt like

anyway?

I was stealing.

A top bloke once said something to the

Seriously though sweet deals, half price after

salient.org.nz <<<

comme un pouce endolori. :/

53



ar ed nd tic le z? no ca u us g.n yo p or m . e av ca nt H w e e li r n sa ou at

notices 

NOTICES CAREERS AND JOBS Details on CareerHub: www.careerhub.victoria.ac.nz Applications closing soon: Organisations

Closing

NZX

Sep 30

Wynard Group Crowe Horwath Skope Industries

 Petcha Kutcha Night – Exchange

show us that you

Experiences in 20 photos

know best.

Free food & prizes – Oct 2, 5pm Hunter

Where? Ramsey House, 8 Kelburn Parade.

Lounge

When? 7 pm, Wed 2 October.

Also check out the online exhibition: www.

Who? You! And your friends. Teams of 4–8

wherecouldyougo.weebly.com

people, or just show up and

 Email: VicOE@vuw.ac.nz

we'll form teams on the night.

 Website: victoria.ac.nz/exchange

How much? Tickets are $10 for students, $15

 Visit us: Level 2, Easterfield Building

waged.

 Drop-in hours: Mon- Wed 1-3pm. Thurs &

Why? The money supports training student

Fri 10-12am

leaders in India. And it's a

Endace Technology

fun night for us. And you can win cool prizes.

MiMOMax Wireless Victoria University (FHSS, Science,

Oct 1

Engineering, Architecture & Design)

VUW TOASTMASTERS If you want to overcome your fear of public

DataTorque

speaking, build your confidence and gain

Augview

leadership skills in a warm, supportive

Milmeq

environment, then Victoria University

Fonterra Group

Oct 2

Toastmasters is for you!

Educa

Oct 4

We meet every Wednesday, 12–1 pm in SU219;

rewardjunkie

Oct 5

everyone is welcome to come along!

Find us on Facebook: facebook.com/

Custard Square Tait Communications

Oct 6

Quest Integrity NZL

Oct 10

VicToastmasters.

Yeehaw!

New Zealand Supperannuation Fund RML Automation

Oct 11

Vista Entertainment Solutions

Howdy Pard'ner. Get on your horse and ride

eCoast

on up to the Film Society Western Movie

Ministry for Primary Industries

Night!

MEA Mobile

Oct 12

BigEars

Oct 13

Asia BZ Foundation (Japan)

Oct 14

4RF

Oct 15

ThunderMaps

Oct 17

PowerShield

Oct 18

h2ope DuluxGroup

In High Noon (1952), Gary Cooper stars as a barely retired marshall, forced back into action, to defend his hometown from the deadly Miller gang. Shot in real time, this Academy Award–winning film explores the inner conflict between fear and duty. After

escapes into the wilderness after accidentally

BIMstop

on his trail.

MetService

Oct 21

MiMOMax Wireless

Where: Memorial Theatre, Student Union

Beta Solutions

Building.

Pertonic Industries

Oct 28

When: 6.30 pm, Thursday 3 October.

Cost: $2 ENTRY.

Vic OE Exchange Exhibition 2013 – On Now! Where would you go? Explore your student exchange possibilities!  Pipitea Rutherford House 16-20 Sept

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The Business and Investment Club (BIC) invites you to the next guest speaker event: "Learn to communicate effectively" with professional speaker Amy Scott.

New Zealand is home to many cultures, and sometimes it´s really hard to communicate effectively. Learn Amy’s technique of "dotting" people based on their communication styles and explore the best ways to approach them in order to deliver your message. Her successful course “Get Dotted”, which she will present at the event, focusses on the impact of precognitive communication and exposes the opportunities successful communication has on relationships in all walks of life, both at home and at the workplace. The event takes place on Monday 7 October at 4.30 pm @ SU218.

where Johnny Depp plays an accountant who Oct 20

killing a man, with three dangerous hunters

 Te Aro Atrium 30 Sept-4 Oct

BUSINESS CLUB

pizza, we'll be screening Dead Man (1995),

Lowes Industries

 Kelburn Hub Level 2, 23 Sept–4 Oct

See you there.

Pizza, popcorn and fizzy drinks provided! www.facebook.com/groups/vicunifilmsociety/

Notices Policy: Salient provides a free notice service for all VIctoria students, VUWSA-affiliated clubs notfor-profit organisations. Notices should be received by 5pm Tuesday the week before publication. Notices must be fewer than 100 words. For-profit organisations will be charged $15 per notice. Send notices to editor@salient. org.nz with 'Notice' in the subject line.

Quiz Night!

Christian Fellowship is holding its annual Quiz Night. Get some friends together for a night of testing trivia and

>>> salient.org.nz



t en r .nz ud o g st FM r ur .3 t.o yo 88 en to n! li in atio sa ne st at Tu dio line ra on am re st

VBC

Missed out on getting a show? Spaces ARE NOW AVALIABLE; get in touch with MUSICDIRECTOR.vbc@GMAIL.COM

7–10am

mon

tues

weds

The Flight Coffee VBC Breakfast Show

w/

10–noon 12–2pm

2–4pm

Dead Man Mondays Casey &Joss

4–7pm

Fill Me!

Parallels w/ Cookie

7–9pm

Tbodega he Mixtape w/ Sam & guests

GURL TALK w/ Chloe, Sophie and Elise

Chloe

Dead Boys' Pirate Radio w/ Will

9–late

Dead Air George Armstrong

Fill Me!

Fill Me!

INFIDEL CASTRO w/ Philip McSweeney

241 Hugo

Grace Ace fills the Space

Fill Me!

sat

sun

Fill Me!

Fill Me!

Raw Politik Emanuel & Neas

Fill Me!

Wake N' Bake w/ Pearce

Domo Arigato Mr Robato

Fill Me!

Fill Me!

Children's Corner

Space Jams w/ Kosmo Naut & Te Art of Fire

Northbound Alex, Michael & Nick

CATS w/ Keszia Tyler

DC Current w/ Duncan & Cam

Fill Me!

w/

fri

Amber, Scott & Matt, Keegan & Rohan music, news, interviews & giveaways

Jiving James & Grooving Greg

Fill Me!

thurs

Fill Me!

w/

w/

onramp

Droogs Maddie

Thursday Drive with A.D.D.

gang

Fill Me!

Fill Me!

Superfluous Superheroes tim & alex

The B-Side Revolution w/ Richard

The Sunday Roast w/ Ray & Jim

PRE-LOAD w/ Matt &

Fill Me!

Fill Me!

w/

Signal Sounds w/ Holly, Stumble, Goosehead & Vic Seratonin 7pm - Late

Sunday Fly Lorenzo &

w/

friends

GIG GUIDE mon 30 Happy Monday!/ business club

tues 1

weds 2

thurs 3

fri 4

2 for 1 Pizzas

VIC OE intern

VUWSA Election

Beat Mob DJing

event

Mighty Quiz 6:30pm

mighty mighty

the southern cross salient.org.nz <<<

So Many Bees and Pales

The DHFD's

Mighty Mighty Markets

:(

bodega

puppies

announcement

Wednesday night free show!

san francisco bathhouse

meow cafe

sat 5

Balkanistas Big Band

Latin Club 8:30pm (free!)

Pikachunes!

Trinity Roots

The JAM (free!)

Nightchoir w.

Mullholland

#3¢h∆in$-&@-†∆•nga

David Dallas Runnin' North Island tour Meow's 5th Birthday Extravaganza

The Drones

Saturday NIght Trouble

Tommy Ill + Zen Mantra + Totems, etc The WGTN City Shake em downers

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