BACKPAGE

We interrupt this magazine to bring you some important medical information. Do NOT perform surgery on yourself with a screwdriver. Trust me: it’s a bad idea. ALWAYS use a hammer and chisel.

This useful information came from Hong Kong reader Sunita Chau. She sent me a newspaper cutting about a gentleman in China suffering from leg pain. He decided to save money by operating on himself with a screwdriver. I suspect that his previous understanding of the phrase “leg pain” was nothing compared to his post-operative understanding of that phrase. (Doctors later fixed his leg.)

But this story is shocking for other reasons, too. China is a communist country. How come he can’t afford medical bills? There shouldn’t BE any. It sounds almost as bad as living in America, where many people who get sick have the exact same problem. Is the world crazy or what?

Hong Kong is now changing the rules to allow in doctors from overseas, but I hope they keep their medical payment systems with them—I like Hong Kong’s cheap or free medical treatment.

But back to the subject of surgery using household items. In an old issue of Popular Mechanics, I read the story of Oscar Taylor, football coach of the University of California. In 1909, he twice operated on a growth in his nose using a hammer and chisel. Sadly, the third time he tried it, he whacked the chisel too hard and it went into his brain, killing him. But the tradition he started continues. Just last year, a young carpenter in the US avoided paying doctors by using a Stanley knife to extract a two cm splinter of wood from his abdomen. If he ever gets a bigger splinter in his tummy, he can just get out his chainsaw. Bzzz. Ouch! Gotcha.

Now if you really want to do medical operations on yourself but don’t fancy using sharp metal objects, there’s something else in your tool box you can use: Superglue. It has been successfully used in thousands of operations.

But be warned. It also has its dangers. Who can forget the UK’s John Bloor who mistook Superglue for hemorrhoid cream and sealed his bottom shut? At the time, a doctor warned of death from intestinal blockage. What about death from embarrassment? I reckon that would happen long before his intestine even noticed anything was wrong. Allegations that the tale is an urban legend are pointless, since there are so many similar well-documented ones. In 2005, a Pittsburgh man broke up with a woman he had dated for 10 months and had his buttocks glued together. Details appear in court records. Meryl Streep in “Fatal Attraction” had NOTHING on this gal.

Discussing these incidents at the bar, an intelligent bystander told me that you must use a special medical type of Superglue and it must be administered by doctors. This is very sensible advice.

So let’s ignore it. A hiker who has done all the great walks in Hong Kong told me that he always carries ordinary Superglue with him. I mean, where are you going to find a hospital supplies store and a team of surgeons halfway up a mountain? If the hiker gets a laceration, he just cleans the wound, pinches the skin flaps together and seals it with Superglue. “The cut heals and the stuff comes off by itself in a few days,” he said.

But just remember one thing. Don’t use a screwdriver for any type of operation, okay? Save time. Go straight for the chainsaw. Bzzz. Ouch! Gotcha.

Nury Vittachi is an award-winning author and journalist based in Hong Kong. He is best known for his novel series, The Feng Shui Detective and is now editor of Friday Magazine. Contact him via nury@vittachi.com or through his public Facebook page.