Discover your worth

To achieve any level of success, you have to believe in yourself.

Consequently, the subject of self-esteem is something to think about and act on. The goal of this book is to teach the reader the meaning of self-esteem, important factors that influence it and how it can be improved

Table Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9

1

2 6

3

Self-esteem, a basic feeling. . . . . . . . 10

What is self-esteem? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11 What self-esteem is NOT. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 Self-concept and self-esteem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 Definitions of self-esteem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13 Self-esteem and humility . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 How self-esteem is formed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17 Causes of low self-esteem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 How self-esteem affects us. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 The woman and self-esteem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23 Depression and self-esteem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 Physical appearance as source of self-esteem . . . 27 How to improve one’s body image . . . . . . . . . . . 30 How to protect a woman’s self-esteem. . . . . . . . . 34 Exercise and self-esteem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35 Jesus Christ and self-esteem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37

Self-esteem throughout life . . . . . . . . . 38

Infancy and the preschool years. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41 School age. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49 Adolescence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59 The young adult. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 69 Middle age . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 73 The third age . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 78

Self-esteem and relationships . . . . . . . 86

Emotional links of self-esteem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87 Self-esteem in the couple. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 89 Teachers, students and self-esteem. . . . . . . . . . . . 96 Self-esteem and friendships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 102

The book is divided into six chapters, each covering particular a life phases and environment in which self-esteem plays a vital role for the best possible development of personality and, accordingly, in wellbeing, health and relationships with the environment.

of Contents 4

5

6

Self-esteem at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . 108

Counsels to increase self-esteem in the subordinate . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 111 Counsels to increase self-esteem in the boss. . . . 112 The need for self-esteem at work . . . . . . . . . . . . 114 Self-esteem and physical and verbal aggression . 118 How to promote self-esteem in the work setting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 119 Self-esteem and performance at work. . . . . . . . . 120 Self-esteem among nurses in palliative care units . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 126 Advice for administration . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 127 Communication skills. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129

Techniques to increase self-esteem . . . 132

General counsels for developing self-esteem . . . 134 Behavioural methods . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 136 Cognitive methods . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141 Humanistic methods . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 150 Assertiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 158 The Frey-Carlock program . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 161 Improving body image . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 165

Self-esteem enrichment plan . . . . . . . 170

Thought strategies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 172 Relationship strategies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 174 Strategies for Action . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 178 Maintenance strategies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 182 Bibliography References. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 184 Abbreviations and symbols used . . . . . . . . . . . . 185 Glossary. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 186 General alphabetical index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 188 Alphabetical index of diseases mentioned . . . . . 190

7

Chapter One discusses concepts for understanding and recognizing the feeling of self-esteem: how it comes about, how it affects our lives, how to protect it and how to improve it. Rich and balanced self-esteem is the greatest force behind believing and trusting ourselves, thus enabling us to reach our desired goals.

SELF-ESTEEM

1

ITY AND HUMIL

associate low eople who , ty. However with humili ry different. ncepts are ve l d intentiona a mature an d respect othrecognise an one respects ame time as sture of genmility is a ge ue . It is a virt wards others d an ss ne sh selfi opposite of

, e other hand steem, on th eon in f lie be ined as lack of wn towards do g in el ays fe are that others nd believing uasit is th rson in etter. The pe ul sf es cc su to be s not choose is e sh d, s. Instea mplish goal d an r, rio all, infe ed to feel sm

e. great d women of m hu end to be le, in conthose who t believe mselves low em te .

of ese encounter s.

It is very impo rtant to set go als such as the example s in Sylvia’s ca se. When there is significa nt disparity be tween the real self and th e ideal self, it is easier for behavioural or mental health problems to occur.

Self-esteem, a basic feeling

P

am started an insurance agency. In she will quit and leave me without anyrecent months her business has one.” The true root of the problem is grown so much that she has had to that Pam suffers from low self-esteem hire Linda, a young woman with good and seems incapable of playing the role organisational skills. Pam only has one of the employer, which is her legal posiproblem: she feels unable to speak to Her low self-esteem and her inseDEPRESSION AND tion.

SELF -ESTEEM Linda about certain things that are not curities cause her to remain quiet in the going well. For example, in the beginning face of problems in this and many othExcessively poor self-esteem can lead • Very low energy levels that can be Linda arrived on time to work, but at er relationships. However, when she is to depression, an illness that tops the seen in the face, which is sad, and in some point she began to arrive 15 or 20 alone, she feels upset and chides herself list of mental health problems today. lack of personal care. minutes late Now there is rarely a day for not having expressed her point of

Preventing low self-esteem is a way to prevent depression. The most common symptoms of depression are: • A state of profound sadness, generally accompanied with persistent crying.

• Lack of enjoyment in all activities, even in the most desirable things or people.

• Loss of appetite and weight. In some cases, there may be excessive food consumption and weight gain.

• Insomnia, characterised by having a hard time getting to sleep, intermittent waking, or waking early accomctions they begin develop panied by tiredness. ing an identity : boy, 4 ye ar s ol d, bl ac k ha ir, go od ea te r, • Slow or agitated movement or even etcetera. The age between 6 and 12 conversation. years tends to

be the most im portant when it comes to the develop ment of one’s self-co ncept. This is due to the malleable nature of the ch ild and the effe ct of school where one is

Parents and tea che continued on dren should hav rs should help to develop a page 19 chi e a mental and spiritual self-con ld’s self-esteem. From ver y yo un cept that is rea listic and positi g, chilve.

• Feelings of failure and blame.

• Limitation of mental capacity, with slow thinking and very low levels of concentration and attention.

• Recurrent thoughts of death and suicide, which can sometimes lead to the act itself.

We must advise that, although a low self-esteem is a risk for depression, we cannot say that those who suffer low levels of self-esteem will end up becoming depressed. Depression is a serious medical and psychiatric problem that reveals itself in many ways before reaching full-blown manifestation in a person.

In Chapter Two, the author talks about self-esteem in each of life’s phases: infancy, the toddler years, early school years, adolescence, young adulthood, adulthood and the later years.

There is also a section dedicated to women.

VERBAL MESSAGES AND SELF-ESTEEM To reinforce self-esteem: • “I really like the drawing you have done for your homework.”

• “Although your actions were not what they should have been, I love you and am willing to help you learn to do better.”

• “While you have not earned the highest grades, you have worked hard and that is very important. And besides, everyone enjoys your personality.”

• “It is better if you are the one to decide between the two outings… which do you prefer?”

• “That was kind of you to spend the afternoon with your schoolmate who lost his grandfather.”

• “I notice that you always go to the same place to play. Perhaps you should try other activities.”

2

Self-esteem

throughout life

F

ence rom a very until the mo- seriousperts lescage ex- consider this stage as the most Adoearly of ce is a periodexscenself-esteem ment of death, important in the life cycle in terms of Adoleour one’s environoneself and Alperiencesplor multiple self-esteem. ation of variations. sk ta e th cent enters into Adolescence. adolesself-esteem t. Anbasic though it is true If we believe that school menthat dividualidentity and in• s hi ping years, develops during thevelo growth itlau isnch froage of de m thise the most important time for dent porta hity, whi hch is an d im l h ycd lf d l i world, l you musthbe exgical indepelnd-i hololf

• “In today’s e ps family to achiev cellent in order to achieve someng to depend while continui n ve (e ce en thing. In fact, you must be the best. eas). When it ar r nts in othe No one should be better than you.”on his pare ronment, he ploring his envi • “You should go on this outing. Thecomes to ex arance and pe ap behaviour, other will be boring and you will notobserves the tries imitather youth and enjoy it.” tendencies of ot ink. All of th rs do, say and • “Your friend’s family should be the ing what othe pment of lo ve de use the To ruin self-esteem: ones to help him. You should not be these factors ca itive way, never in a defin • “You are very far from drawing as the one consoling him.” self-esteem but is partice nc in adolesce well as Paul.”

• “It is good to do the same things all since self-esteem n. io at , no only inacting iti-ve to alter yelyarse t Better s,nsbe • “If you continue the time. action know se ar the fathis causthe e du milyway, ring you , buyou that cause an t also among adolescencul friendsin, anything.” e e- some things th ar es e won’t succeed than the action you do not know.” er the mother, op portunities H sensitive in

decrease signific particularly an Tant es.ce with your child lk to be oltly ren, listenadto to, self-esteem: thsem and choose no adoregard t to spend th portance that e tim scolding them e en esormous im ess. en iv ct tra •esTh . at l physica ed lescents give to pt ce ac nt’s need to be • The ade olgresoucep. d by th Adults, parents, y, freedom, an arch for identit se children from a siblings, and grandparents ca er H n, very young age • . to grow up with by example , help healthy self-este independence em. eaning of life. arch for the m se is e H • to the opposit n ong attractio str e Th • sex. , profession, or oice of studies ch e Th • trade. e more adolescents ar It is a fact that cation ifi od m lf-este em sensitive to se so al true or adults. It is than children r loss of ffe su ore likely to that girls are m reason, is th r Fo . an boys self-esteem th thems, nt rs, and adolesce relatparents, teache eag e es derstand th selves, must un especially in order to be ed processes tements, oid negative sta cautious to av essages m d ba or other jokes, gestures es self- teem. ediately lower

father, or othe influential adul r ts, should enco urage friendships. Th is should be do ne care-

Chapter Three focuses on self-esteem in interpersonal relationships.

R

WORTH

ENEMIES OF SELF

3

-ESTEEM

hers say; connore what ot • Solutions: Ig other more nco ith e w ar s s exist which the message t or ct as tr fa of r my objecmbe em. And I will achieve ion of self-este sitive ones (“ po say…”); ey cto the promot th fa t e spite of wha measure, thes r in te es ea tiv gr mours or maller rpersonal who spread ru pond to inte k that people es in rr th co ms of le to ob nd pr te recognise ones with important to are really the resort ey th ct hy tionships. It is re w di is to teem and this oid them and es av lfto se r de or m in ns and cirds those perso to gossip. strength towar t. A human be lf-esteem se r ou up of environmen ge ild an s bu hi ch at n A th he 2. w mstances e most noof habit and it. Here are th is a creature e, g in pl in ru am an ex th r r he changes (fo environment other), his ble: ople. Those e region to an pe on in m rta fro ce g of in r ov ou m vi ha be resolve new The constantly re ing unable to n, criticise or feelings of be d. e te in ua who complai rm unde me accent gative tend to problems beco st experit pa ha to fer to the ne w if ck ba en k of others. Ev lutions: Thin em So te • es resolve a lf, se to e ke le th rm of a jo u were ab say is in the fo ences when yo elf-esteem e time only holds relevance th r fo ith t w these people ai d w an r lem; learn to to feel inferio s ob nd pr w atosocial context where one te ho within tim d vic the gical discom ill have learne e of psycholo when you w relates to other people. Those a general sens

Self-esteem

and relationships

S

who enjoy healthy self-esteem behave

fort.

there will alUnfortunately, ies of selfaround others. They learn be enem waysadequately try those whotheir teem,nurture esand , dis- self-esteem from othise itic laugh at, cr sendelymessages to ers.

DRESS OFinfluence ORMthat They gativ respect and ne othlf t ’ e lfwith tem, H lth pare on comth th er s. To combat ust strengthen we m van den Boom study The Bruyn g verinand ourselves, disco ourshowedidean important multiple correlawhat is good ins it with ing d shar the style of dress, popularbetween selves antion others. ity, and self-esteem. This means that secondary school-aged boys and girls have self-affirmation and recognition needs from their peers and their form of dress is an important way of achieving these goals. It is therefore recommended that certain simple steps be followed to avoid completely blocking minimal levels of acceptance, popularity, and self-esteem: 1. Be relatively flexible and try not to be critical of the way the adolescent dresses.

F

If you want oth ers self-esteem. A go to like you, you must first like your od friendship en riches our life an self. Friendships strengthen ou d helps us to gro r w spiritually.

f-esteem and

fr

iendships n addition to th e couple, the fa mily, the school, ot her environm ents tly influence se lf-esteem, such as the kplace and frien ds. We dedicate the chapter to the w k

So it is with pe ople. The shell true self becom of the es small and un comfortable (a tiny selfesteem that do es not allow normal func tioning) and it becomes necessary to l

Emotional links of self-esteem

John Bowlby (see box p. 88) emphasised the importance of emotional links in all stages of early life. The development of some positive emotional links between the person who cares for the SELF ESTEEM AND the mother) and the inchild (generally l ti d ith it b l i f t

-

2. Encourage the boy or girl to choose his or her clothing, allowing them to shop alone with a specific amount of money.

3. Avoid jokes and sarcastic comments about the adolescent’s clothing.

4. If you must limit certain forms of dress (for example, indecent dress), use much tact and love when asking the adolescent not to dress that way.

These observations can be helpful in the family, as well as, in the school setting.

COVER YOUR

W

All human relations are affected by how we value ourselves and this factor is a major determinant of success or failure of relationships, whether they be with a partner, a friend, family or a social relationship.

QUALITY CREASE THE IN O T S IE IT ACTIV SROOM IN THE CLAS M E E T S E LF E OF S

ss first day of cla uctions. The da ha 1. First introd ly us io ev ho has pr the teacher (w students) each of the ith w at short ch is introth ch student. In introduces ea acher is te e e group, th duction to th me of the highlight so careful to ery member each and ev strengths of t of the class. ple of studen r shows a sam ob r 2. The teache he teac group. The e th work to the of ch ea ork done by a r lists to the serves the w ts return thei ing, essay, or aw dr , em po ty, the studen es written to m it na students (a s r without thei it as he show r s se he ai ac pr te d pull out craft) an her marks r proceeds to class. The teac n. The teache e w th do of estions: st qu re e g the s to do th the followin a list and trie traits, asking u preyo ld ou this student on t. d this trait, w every studen d ha an u yo ch f ow ea “I same with ” and then, “H prepares or change it?

Each student it . e er ?” rv st tic se po ris al te 3. Person this charac he uses cutld you change me in which ch ou ho Ea w at ” er it? st rve po pe er a apers, ld you pres azines, newsp or “How wou ink of th rs s hi he outs from mag ot h t ug ro rves wha s, etcetera; th student obse of what she sonal message s own perhi s gathers ideas te d ra an st ts on ai m tr r de he he them. s, ce e ge oi ch ces. Th erve or chan and preferen can do to pres oups of gr ic In bl . sonal tastes od pu e posters in tion of the go th ra s cla ow ents De sh 5. r teache they beicipants, stud or five part ing to whom ENDER DIFFERENCES al ur eir ve fo th re g t in ou ud with servers to s list, excl quests the ob alyse the clas the , an es ut in In m . w long and re a fe s belong p. During develops, m the poster own grou Self-esteem is nourished od and and is displayed differently in men and women. guess to who asks for positive, go r n w he do ac e te rit e w th ps n, ou sio gr us oup in to understand and support the developThis distinction can help sc gr di the t each couples that this things abou you believe sant ea hy w pl In thisand that of their spouse. ment of their own self-esteem ns n. so ow ity ea r “r tiv ei __.” This ac except for th __ , ss to cla s ity e ng th lo poster be s the opportun valuable rengths and e, everyone ha st cis al of er s ve ex ct re pe to helps orthy as ch student, n to praisew te nging to ea lis us lo th to be d es an Men iti . s, al qu abilitie self-esteem haviour and g each one’s eir be th A man’s self-esteem is nourished ve t.

Gi thus increasin ep nc is trait? e their self-co you change th improv through: t (activity for the 4. How would per so that pa rin rp of ge ts ee fin t sh 6. The her index ps profes• Engagement in each studen t dihis e personality ). Each studen e down thos youngestsion and then k in in or trade. they can writ ge r thumb into like to chan he ld ou or r w ge ey th fin at r enlarges • Relationships with profesache traits th liktse to ld en r. The te adverse that they wou who re peto pa ud provides se it on St y nd all es te tu ac or rs ac pl e es he • ily th lv ac m te es fa i- m their em sional colleagues, superithsc an hool becomder to preserve s fro geym saon hile mes and devel.isInloor for the child, w pres ve st self-eser d behaviour ors, and subordinates. th ba te er ra w lo pe cu ve re ha ol. only place to viours in sc•ho Intellectual op good beha couraged capacity. en ity rs em ve teem. te ni es U lfe se of 20 from th l ve • Spouse. le e m Th roll Hel , ical, social,

G

8

Car ucky, U SA rlands in Kent of the Cumbe dies that stu e review of did a literatur nts and de stu in esteem looked at self-

6

•

fe cts phys by teachers af ildren. pects of the ch as l and emotiona Women A woman’s self-esteem is nourished through: coun- and home (also alt we in • hy Family s ilie fam , youth of children and e, dedicate time to notice the l oo sch t firs through posal. her profession dis st, therefor should be the Although home today. Schools and teacher s mu t it through all means at their or when this is present). tries are in crisis eir students in order to supp th self-esteem of • Family relationships and friendships.

• Physical attractiveness.

• Spouse The most notable differences between men and women is that of the professional environment (more marked in men than in women) and physical beauty (which affects women more than men).

The quality of work life and even productivity and the development of a business are also affected by the extent of psychological wellbeing of its participants.

WORK RMANCE AT FO R E P D N A LF-ESTEEM

4

Self-esteem

at work

S

elf-esteem seriously affects the task that should provide reasonable satisfaction causes discomfort and even workplace. Among other things, anxiety. performance, working relationships, job satisfaction, and company loyalty experience - changes according to the h level of confi , maintain a hig quality self-esteem. of th rk wi wo y on rs an pe te ently comple ity. However, a ent work. cessary to effici work productiv ici is a clear example of how Charles elf-esteem is ne y, and have higher and better accomplish productive and eff SELF-ESTEEM rit to cu le se ab d r an than no related. Often, Charles, they are closely ce re en satisfaction ls neither secu

fee rsonal ow self-esteem or linked to pe PHYSICAL AND d ch as ageAND an ns sio ca oc raphic data su many other demog been noted on em te lf-es e. at healthy se level of incom t mental any places th ity. This is tiv otects agaiAnsstudy by Steve uc pr od pr em k te or es w Harvey and Loraleigh lfse Se ea cr • in It is known s to nal activl disorders.Keashly 27, to from Bishop University in es of professio d behavioura d an ke lin is nin all branch is relatio self-esteemQuebec (Canada) and Wayne State Unie explain th that a lack of alcohol and How does on e imporid ov e use of versity pr th ts , in on po si (USA), showed that Michigan in g es d in pr w an de llo e, fo id suic ? The this quesmptedpoor is linked to an inself-esteem lp to answer s, and to atte he at d ug th dr an r s de on on as w re ers. It is littlecrease in physical and verbal aggresat eating disord n: alth factors th to psyhe d l ta ke en lin m is e 115 young stuinvolved study sion. This es em th te n , es he ed lfw at se e elimin Healthy studies ity ardents from 21 to 22 years of ranging eing. Various ct productiv lb ru el st im w ob k al or ic w of cholog a balanced d quantityage, approximately half men and half ose who have the quality an show that th satisof ls ve le women, who gh hi . ve es ha ov er-were studying Business t pr self-concep esent proves interp Data was collected on to past and pr self-esteem im Administration. n y th tio al la fr re He e in • ar e who levelseeof aggression (including faction . Thosgeneral peful attips ho hi a ns ng tio yi la jo re l en do sona so life as well as exes and who ture. It is al riority compl physical and verbal), self-esteem, risk from infeth wards the futor, w e closely to de tu he pressure of find at work, and number of hours teem is meor well as the corre e organisationfactors estiv as lf-uc seod thatpr ity. In today’s sponding loss of work. Statistical correlation analysis ow uskn ines s wnorld, there of alt lo yy on the part of the is strong compe on. The need organisation to tiwards those that both the hours of work to be the best in question. Th showed causes any companies is be comes a vicio to set high prod of self-esteem could predict level and us cycle: mut uctivquotas. Once ual trust and respect be employees mee tw ee t n th employee and als, the compa ese organisation de ny steps up to teriorates, which the next el of growth, causes problems th and then to th at lead to even e next. less selfesteem for the individual. continued on page 119

1

VERBAL AGGRESSION

the level of aggression in the workplace. Specifically, more hours of work led to a greater probability of being a victim of aggression. In the same way, lowest levels of self-esteem were linked to a greater risk of being victims of aggression by others at work.

One important conclusion of the study is that the need to reinforce self-esteem among employees is not merely a human task but it is also good advice for the business. It could be an effective way to prevent increasing levels of harassment in the workplace, as well as, the physical, verbal, and psychological aggression that currently exists in many companies.

Hence, Chapter Four deals with self-esteem in the workplace.

There is no doubt that recognizing and improving self-esteem in a work context is good for the bottom line.

• Psychoactive

substance (to bacco, drugs, alcohol ) and non-ch emical (gambling) abus e • Personal and work-prreevlatenedtion. stress reduction.

• Health promotion and th e prevention of ‘moder n’ (such as obes ity or cardiovascular dise • Physical exercise prasogesra)millnesses. s to maintain health and body image.

• Personal and psycho logical trainin to develop idea l relations not on g ly at work but also in the family and in the social realm , ge rally.

• Communication skne ills needed w hin as well as itoutside the or ganisation (see box p.

129).

3. Prevent ha rassment or ‘mobbing’ in the workp lace growing and de . This problem is mands attentio n and preventive actio n. Action shou ld include establish ing precautiona ry routines within th e company an d in the working environ ment in order to prevent one in a po sition of author ity (or equal to equal) from intimidat ing, assaulting or hara ssing another pe 4. Promote w rson. orking team s. Untold numbers of ex periences dem onstrate that productio n improves alo ng with

ployees provid es an additional source of se employees who lf-esteem for those suggest ideas. continued on page 130

Harassment de str ployee. Verbal att oys the dignity of the emand contradictor acks along with overbearing y orders lower self-esteem.

SELF-ESTEEM AMONG NURSES IN PALLIATIVE CARE UNITS

In a conducted by the medical school at the University of Radboud in Nijmegen (Netherlands), Gert Olthuis and his colleagues pointed to the need for healthy self-esteem among those who work with terminally-ill patients, the elderly who are seriously ill, or with hopeless cases. The researchers conducted in-depth interviews with a small group of nurses who worked in palliative care units in order to identify the ideal professional profile of nursing. n ng ey are da that you are benefits. takes unless th re ceiveThey int out po to also wanted to identify ways of to n io y ar sit ss po ce ur ne yo is it ees will oy n , Whe ly, the empl in a warm nt so rta maintaining mental health under such do po , im ne e or do M iate them and ectwork badly at you apprec circumstances. ntaining a resp An analysis of the qualth ai e m tic e, ic em no m vo y nt rta friendl that neither to be impoitative ds em or th w g er answers of the participants led in id us ns co ful tone and e team. th . of ct je rs to the conclusion that there were three lts re be su r re no accuse generally g in orlthy self-esteem inars. Retrainin iea m ev H fundamental components needed to se so ng al ni is ai re e • Tr to better prepare employees k. But ther quire perform the job. Self-esin quality wor successfully re bs is jo it c der t ifi bu ec , me sp performance e first of these traits: amplthe dence that so teem n exwas sults in better special way. A p self-este em. a lo in ve de or ct to fa ive is at ay lli th pa d ss 1.

Self-esteem.

This characteristic was an also a w bo e gy oncolo observes that th is are nurses in ds of th lan ve m The employee shown in the study to be absolutely de de s e hi th to en and time care units. Giv esteem isin order to provide exemr selfinvests money himfo t necessary ou ed ab ne r e th tte k, be els ort. type of wor l suppcare. opment and fe s speciaplary m.

The primary source of loyal to the fir ter and re quire ea gr iself and more ax m h it . w self-esteem came from supportive 6) 7 12 12 es page bordinat (See box p. continued on refully to ca • Treat su en messages from the team (colleagues st Li t. mum respec idering them as ns and supervisors), as well as, from co s ee oy pl your em dignity. families of patients and from the pad worthy of an t an rt po nim no have e through your mpany tothemselves. within a cotients, They will notic suggesr fe tween of It is important commu ey th ation be If nicMoral s. ge sa 2. dimension.

It was also observed es of ls m ne al verb imporgood chan a the suggestions yees as well as h i hi plo f i bl em all ltions, consider ow ackn cli-

r you meet, tant. Wheneve on a relate to them d an edge them tionen nv co e th st an ju deeper level th al greeting. gifts. In many samples and e ar Sh esenta• ents, sales repr work environm

study28

onal good organisati ur mate that enco ages personal de d velopment an em suppor ts the ional ployee’s emot . ale needs and mor

125

salary and good working conditions were not enough. In addition, a sense of the moral importance of the work was necessary. This included the conviction that the work was done altruistically and that one possessed the ideal personality to provide emotionally-positive care to patients who would soon face death.

3. Personal and professional identity.

The third characteristic mentioned is personal identification with the profession in such a way that the person believes (both in personality and preparation) him or herself capable of fulfilling the demands of the position. The most important source for this identity, according to the study, is one’s relationship with colleagues and the internalisation of knowledge, skill, regulations, values, and professional culture.

In reality, the three characteristics listed are intimately related to the way in which one sees himself and, once more, shows the importance of developing self-esteem in the workplace. We can confidently apply the results of this study to other professions generally and, more specifically, to those that off lfl i h i d

Chapter Five is the practical section of the book. It offers lots of advice as well as proven techniques and strategies for improving self-esteem. A person who is well-informed and educated can have control his or her self-esteem, and improve it, rather than leaving it up to the indiscriminate impact of the environment.

5

E N TO RESOLV AT WORK A PROBLEM

SELF-INSTRUCTIO

g ed in writin ed. It consist ses to s accustom ra Hi ph g. t or tin sh ke ar telem three or four ic y worked in icult, down ese automat cessively diff ex substitute th t no to e as For w us . m by hi ts d uc te od ul selling pr ts that assa it involved ady though mers had alre sto cu e: at pl th les hone rest or exam y good sa of great inte ve had man ed as being ey • “I ha dn Ro at th was before.”

The problem dly voice.” oughts arm and frien re. Such th ilu fa ed at • “I have a w ip y, want the ne d od an “R r example: clients need he “T • ssed him. Fo y, “Rodne b for you;” product.” is not the jo essful;” cc su ake a sale.” en be “I will soon m • have never m over and fir a ss sse ese phrases not po repeated th the other person.

He dney, you do lco th ith em until ice like your d his mind w over. He fille And confident vo . lly to ica g at in m go to People who are passive prefer to be led by others and do not enjoy e to him au ney, they are gues;” “Rod y they cam ts came defending themselves. At the other extreme, we find aggressive people e old though ey will not bu os th d th n an u he w yo , who enjoy ordering others around and who gain their wishes through tethen ng up on em immedia th ed pp abusing, criticising and humiliating others. In the middle are assertive sto he d, in m e .” th to ng Although student, aurie, a university ythi people who know howposto defend their rights without significant hurting others. and lasting e or more of found some on he d , rte ok se bo in d a self-help improvement in self-esteem often does sessed many personal attributes matic ly an to au e es th ts. ercome arned though ethods to ov not occur without the help of a psycholof value. She expressed herself become le hich he had w to ts gh ou ogist or professional, in many other well, was organised, possessed leader-

Techniques to increase

self-esteem

L

ship skills, and was able to achieve excellent grades. Her friends and fami-

g am that succ pro essfully include s objectives, goals and corresponding rewards.

3. Learning th rough imitatio n

One of the m ost natural w ays of learning any behaviour is through observing othe r people in or der to do the same thin g oneself (or something

Throughout the treatment, a person practises the necessary skills (see p.

144) to control thoughts and achieve small successes one by one. The battle haagainst nce self-feelings of inferiority is won esteem. Other times, audio-vis ual documents such step-by-step through small victories as dramatized sc en es by actors are us along the right trajectory rather than ed to de

monstrate the desired behavio urs. The adva ntage of these videos is that the client can take the DVD hom e and view it over and over and then practise the be haviours.

The biggest ad vantage to this system is that it uses one of the m ost natural and effective ways of learnin g: observing others. Whe n the actors ar e of similar age and w ith similar char acteristics of the client, th ere is even grea ter probability that th e behaviours will be reproduced su ccessfully. Ther e is a disadvantage if th e actor gives th e impression of being su perior to the se lf-image of the client as this can reaffir m feelings of inferiority.

Children learn ea example. They sily through imitation and enjoy imitating an th

cases, self-help processes may be enough. This was the route that Laurie

The final chapter offers a plan for enriching self-esteem on a daily basis in all environments: individual, family, friendship, work and society.

IN THE COUPLE OR FAMILY

6

Self-esteem

enrichment plan The home is the best and first school where we learn that we are loved, respected and where we begin to build our character. For this reason, our family holds great influence, helping to raise our self-esteem.

The marriage and family relationship is draw;” “This dish is exquisite;” “Thank perhaps the atmosphere that transmits you for helping to wash the dishes”). the most strength (or weakness) to self- • Nourish your relationships with your esteem. Therefore, it is important to in-laws. Although it is more difficult nourish family relationships in order to to invest in your relationships with give and receive positive, stable, and balyour in-laws, your sister or brotheranced self-esteem. The natural result is in-law, and with your son or daughthat everyone else will respond positiveter-in-law, for many it is a great enly to your own self-esteem. hancer of self-esteem. After all, they • Enjoy your family environment. Invest are part of you and their welfare is time in your family, engaging in activalso yours. ities with them and learn to feel • Enjoy the progress of children and proud of your relatives who love and grandchildren. Feeling a healthy sense respect you. of pride over the achievements of chil• Express your messages in positive dren and grandchildren may serve as ways. In in conversations your a source emof self-esteem. After all, they dex cards anwith d read them spouse, or parents, emphaare part du freechildren rin momen gof you and their success is alts. sise the positive (“I like how you so yours.

Correct mista ken thoughts We all

have an inner voice that engages in intern al dialogue. W hen these messages are negative, selfesteem falls within second s and is difficu lt to recuperate. When these though ts assault your mind, re ject them and substitute them with othe rs that build se lf-esteem.

We suggest se veral but you can create your own. M ake a list and select the best ones. Writ e them down and carry them with you to help you to think beneficial thoughts.

DISCOVER

YOUR

WORTH

ce strategies 4. Maintenan r made a mistake never

ve “A person who ne tein). w” (Albert Eins tried anything ne advice you e th of all w If you follo will in he- plan that we offer here is deyour self-esteem oem have received, od go y u will enjo crease and yo to maintain nt rta po im is tional health. It basis, end, on a regular your guard an esteem Se ory cure.” lfgage in a “mem to beed ne u yo d an sily can decline ea in this ith w ts bi with the ha come familiar nes in cli de to avoid great plan in order ur self-esteem. ree • Negative thoughts: “I yo At all times, remember these th am a di ter;” “I am w pects: sasghts orthless;” “T ashe re is ts. Remember those thou remedy for m o (“N 1. Thoughno e.” em te your self-es ✓Substitute with r the conthat drag down ra) and : “I have to le te ce et “ ps. Remembe ; e… arn;” spects m don’t do very 2. Relationshi that build ts en m te well, but I amone re “I self to substitute them for sta d versations an e your arg.” hips. Re• Generalisations: “I will epin ns (“I prtry io lat em re te od self-es never beosab endship and go fri that build your veness. to do it well;” e le rti se ”). th as … points on “No one appr ce my friends view the basic ecasiate absle to convin positive me;” “I alway s ts w es gh pr ou ex th d od an s make the sa e go u.

Think ab out mCr te a list of thes em eaistake.” . ose around yo now and again ghts ab out th em th t ou w th no d vie re an d e ✓Substitute with an m to improv : “Little by little Use any criticis I can . accomplish it; em te es lf” “Although so to ruin your se me re

T

ject me, my fa mily and frien ds truly appreciate me; ” “With patienc e I will be able to corre ct my mistakes .”

182

The book is very visual and academic, with lots of photography and descriptive charts, as well as self-evaluation quizzes, famous sayings and quotes from the Bible. All these work together to make reading enjoyable and understandable while inciting the reader to delve deeper into the many concepts discussed.

TEST

ADOLESCENT DOES YOUR EM? W SELF-ESTE O L M O R F R E SUFF who or for those

SELF-ESTEEM

IN

MASLOW’S*

Need for: ion Self-actualisat Self-esteem ance Social accept

eem -est Self ce ptan e c c ial a Soc ty Safe

ds nee l a ogic siol y h P

States, m the United ychologist fro ps , hology. yc low ps as ic M rold anist nders of hum * Abraham Ha one of the fou as d ise gn co is re y

attitudes. O ver the year marriage, so s of me have cult ivated a neg ative attitud e about cert ain traits an tendencies in d their spouse.

This makes it very difficu lt for the per son to think positive tho ugh The person d ts about the partner. oes not see an ything spe-

MUTUAL POS

When you think that your husban d

Serious and silent Obsessive A workaho lic Stingy

When you think that your wife is…

Too talkativ e Weak Slow

t him/herse

e pu MID child talks with him/herselfdodothesisheor/shthat?

PYRA ur ot yo nn n ca he e

1. W sing that he/sh down, expres ar w tasks for fe at starting ne w slo ild ch 2. Is your le of failure? ence of peop re in the pres cu se in d an e ashamed 3. Is he or sh mily circle? others outside the fa m/herself with e compares hi an him/herself? /sh he n he w d th tter ere- sa beco ivm child is un ur th are always be ng esyiyo 4. tisf SaDo inlfg- that others m su e as ag se r r ards ila fo ed of sim sal ne n looking tow ionto be pessimistic whe itnd nd co a te is ild teem esDo es your ch 5. i- own options? pper his/h angdha rein tuev behalf when fuhi fo threac eak on his/her y, sp s on nt rm re pa ha d an insist that his/her nesshe e ted ing contacts? es is/sh en 6. Do prsoes re ething or mak m hich wpe ng ni io tit id’s pinand wish by the pyram el baclde.about who he/she is fe na e /sh he 7. Does rs? to be like othe th noting, mething wor complishes so hievement? ac ild ch ur own ac 8. When yo value his/her does he/she de a negative /herself when to blame him nd te ild ch 9. Does your ally the fault of several? result is actu d with his/her ild dissatisfie 10. Is your ch ? ce an ar physical appe

with whom she has shar he or e d life thro ughout the years. Howev er, if we wan t to have ivaely to more than happy marri age, swered posit w an e ve m ha u st u yo begin to cot gnise that your aside negatIfiv e ju u should rese d yo gm , ns en tio ts es .

T qu he box n in this area. Try 4 this same pag e oes ffer ildexneeds heolp ch s so nt m ce e the ol transformativad ampis oap f ter and if th lesch e ex rece ginve ssio ofess nthin a sult in better the adpvi r at capr ree, - look fo pr self-e eem t im n ov does n anno ca d a happieho relationship. problestm ho r logist w sellor or psyc

ITIVE

is…

olescents d up r parents of ad fo e ad m e ar n and then ad in this test each questio to O N levor t’s S The questions en Answer YE preadolesc r caretakers. olescent’s or ad ur yo of serve as thei ve an idea d you will ha YES NO the scores an . em te el of self-es lf

sional coun help.

ATTITUDE

Consider h im as…

ASSERTIVENESS

Formal and reflecti Assertiveness isve found in the middle of the continuum between two extremes Cautious (and equally vicious) behaviours: H ardworkin g Economical PASSIVE ASSERTIVE AGGRESSIVE ConsidBEHAVIOUR er her as…

BEHAVIOUR BEHAVIOUR

Expressive and comm unicative Sensitive an d perceptive Cautious an d delicate

THOUGHT Date/ Hour

Situation

RECORD Feeling or emotion

Thought

Chemistry class at university.

I am not smart. Everyone is The professor is asking better than me. I am bad Mon 25, questions and others in the class at Chemistry. Actually I’m 10 am are answering them correctly. bad in all my classes.

I wouldn’t know how to answer I am a failure. these questions.

I have only ever had Lunch with a friend. He temporary jobs. No one Mon 25, tells me that he has been has ever offered me 1 pm offered a regular job. permanent employment.

Scale

Best option I need to study more.

Frustration

7 A BILITY AND SELF-ESTEEM I must talkGROUPING with a collea-

Inferiority

9

Inability

8

Inferiority

9

Sadness

10

Anger

7

My younger brother asked me to help him with his My brother is so lucky homework. When he to enjoy school.

Mon 25, shows me his work, As a child, I was a sucker 8 pm he shares how much and was often bullied. he enjoys school.

gue (or the professor) to see if they can help me understand this subject.

Although I can improve, I have my job. With perseverance I will find something better.

I can help my brother with his studies. The past does not matter.

Happiness is an option and I choose to be happy.

S SSIBLE ITEM O P N O E T O TO N STRONG POINTS LF-ESTEEM CARDS FOR SE thers Work/ Studies

.

I am punctual dy job.

I have a stea ” I earned a “B in Physics. math.

I am good at

Character/ Personality

I am patient. n for I feel compassio ate. un rt fo ss those le .

I am truthful

Physical Aspect

O

ning students into groups by inI play sports. tual and academic ability causes rse effects in thethshort term (for al . y good he jo en I y. ple, feelings of discrimination or tl I dress elegan ority, with ve negative effects to selfe and y family lo s m M . m). However, what happens in the I am ho . w r ile fo sm e m ty a pret accepts

s.

I like my hand

I have

being placed in these groups, t were administered a series of psyc logical tests including measures of s esteem.

Results of the first year showed t students assigned to the lower le

ll. I get along I express myself we everyone. t ou ab t jus with

rson rment the pe ings that to “I am going to look th e and th m e ee f of th self-est mind onesel s from poor re er ff to on the positive side su y th ho ed al w ni It is he compa ssesses. should be ac that one po gs es in ti th ili of things” e ab . es d es jectiv of th traits an goals and ob ards feelings le w ab to on nd as te re h wit el torPeople who frequently ould not fe e person sh ill benefit from th w t y mit Bu or ri t t fe fi in does no acco full bene if he or she cards. To get d e te es y en th an m g in read ce. In n carry ng all at on hi the person ca , yt se er ci ev er h ex is be is should from th and read pl r that goals his/her pocket ent, remembe reaev ts these cards in en g, the boss mom only exert a the takes on during free authoritarian c and should ti em is th al h re ug ro role and appl em . th m re re su es to r ne pr de ce of ies the or ss nt ar in y ou y In order to ra da re am e primand to sonable ise self-e correct the throughout th undesirable ees, the boss ne must not O . be ts in ha should re vi po ou ng r. ro H st ow en r ts ei it ever, pos, show adm ive message ber th s of encou or areas that for what they iration ragement, weaknesses do w y en el forget one’s co is continued urage them w ell, on page 11 ese are prec hene Th t. en 2 em need improv

38

THE SUPERVIS

OR’S SELF -ESTEEM

A supervis or with ad equate selfesteem

A supervisor Speaks wit with inadeq h subordin ua ates in a natura l and respec tful way Speaks arro gant Considers su to subordin bordinates ates as equals an d not inferi Maintains or the stereot When he do es not know distance of he recognise something “boss , s this and lo Wants to gi obtain info oks for way rmation with ve the impr s to out feeling that he kn shame ows everyt He feels sa h and never tisfied in hi shows any s capabilitie and recogn we s ises his lim In ternally, he fe itations. els insecure and ha concept of hi mself and

Author Julian Melgosa, Ph.D in Psychology and known internationally for his various works on applied psychology, offers comprehensive descriptions and explains how to apply understanding about self-esteem to the various phases of the human life cycle.

We are certain that by having deeper knowledge of the subject and learning the techniques and strategies for thinking and behavior presented here the reader will develop a healthy, balanced self-esteem.