So You Think You're A Cyclist?

© Dog 'n' Bone Books 2014

Pete Jorgensen with illustrations by Paul Parker

S

HINK YOU’R T U O EA OY

C YC L I S T ?

50 tales from life on two wheels

© Dog 'n' Bone Books 2014 Published in 2014 by Dog 'n' Bone Books An imprint of Ryland Peters & Small Ltd 20–21 Jockey’s Fields 519 Broadway, 5th Floor London WC1R 4BW New York, NY 10012 www.rylandpeters.com 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Text © Pete Jorgensen 2014 Design and illustration © Dog ’n’ Bone Books 2014 The author’s moral rights have been asserted. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher.

A CIP catalog record for this book is available from the Library of Congress and the British Library.

ISBN: 978 1 909313 26 2 Editor: Caroline West Illustration: Paul Parker Design: Wide Open Studios For digital editions, visit www.cicobooks.com/apps.php Printed in China

Š Dog 'n' Bone Books 2014

Introduction 6

The Cyclists Born-again Cyclist Civilized Cyclist First Time in Clips Rider MAMIL Sportiver Track Rider Competitor Courier Hipster Fixie Rider Vintage Princess Femme Fatale Red Light Renegade Commuter City Bike Hirer Copenhagen Obsessive Eco Warrior Drink & Rider Security Expert Bike Thief Local Bike Shop Owner Drafter Slow Coach Tourer Climber Sprinter

10 12 16 18 20 24 26 28 30 32 34 36 38 40 42 44 46 48 50 52 54 56 58 60 62 64

Club Rider Stravaholic All the Gear, No Idea Zero to Hero Sofa Cyclist Hoarder Historian Cycling Nations Fair-weather Cyclist Angry Cyclist Safe Cyclist Moaner Fitness Freak Drug Cheat Wannabe Pro Accident-prone Rider BMXer Mountain Biker Tandem Couple The Weird & Wonderful Bike Nerd Forum User Super Fan Apologist

68 70 74 78 80 82 84 86 92 94 96 98 100 102 104 106 108 110 112 114 116 118 122 126

Index Acknowledgments

128 128

© Dog 'n' Bone Books 2014

2

no.

CIVILIZED CYCLIST

In some parts of the world, cycling really isn’t a big deal. The fact that a celebrity or a politician is seen riding a bike wouldn’t make the front page of a gossip magazine or newspaper. In fact, it wouldn’t be news at all, because cycling is simply regarded as a hassle-free way to get from A to B, not the solution to all that’s wrong with the world.

So, while the citizens of some of the world’s greatest cities—London, New York, Paris, and Sydney—are whipping themselves up into a frenzy over a one percent increase in the number of journeys made by bike in the last 10 years, people in Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Seville, and other cycle-friendly towns are shrugging their shoulders and wondering what all the fuss is about.

If you’re lucky enough to reside in one of these utopian dream worlds, consider yourself one of the privileged few and stop reading now. If you’re one of the rest of us poor saps, living in awe and jealousy of a lifestyle our European cousins take for granted, the following seven entries give a quick summary of some of the differences between us and them.

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Civilized Cyclist

© Dog 'n' Bone Books 2014 1. Location:

Us: In an overcrowded city, often in the middle of four lanes of traffic, trying to assert the fact you have as much right to be there as the cars and trucks around you. Easier said than done—this is the two-wheeled equivalent of pissing in the wind.

Them: In a city where the powers that be had the foresight to plan ahead when it came to making decisions on transport infrastructure, rather than desperately scrabbling around promoting highly visible but, ultimately, futile cycling initiatives that offer few long-term benefits to the average rider.

2. Years spent cycling:

Us: Varies wildly. There are some who’ve been doing it for years but, for many, it’s a fairly new activity, often started to save money on everincreasing transport costs or as a way to lose a few pounds after years of battering bodies with a cocktail of fried food, booze, and general inactivity.

Them: First came walking, soon after came cycling; the two have been almost interchangeable ever since. And it’s something that will continue well into middle age, as almost every household will have regular access to a bike or two.

© Dog 'n' Bone Books 2014

15

no.

CITY BIKE HIRER “Everybody hates a tourist, especially when they think it’s such a laugh,” sang Pulp frontman Jarvis Cocker. And, although his statement was aimed at rich people pretending to be poor, the same sentiment can apply to those who decide to take advantage of the bike hire schemes popping up in major cities across the globe.

New York, Paris, Barcelona, London, Rio, Melbourne, and Beijing are all in on the act, having set up systems whereby people can hire bikes from docking stations dotted around the city for little to no cost. On paper, the enterprise is a great idea and for many the system works well, offering users an alternative to public transport to get round the city. But when a bike is placed in the hands of an interloping visitor who has no clue where they are, even less idea where they are going, and isn’t even too confident that they’re traveling on the right side of the road, the situation has got disaster written all over it.

Many tourists, particularly younger ones, are drawn to cycle-hire schemes like backpackers to budget hostels with cutprice drinks offers. The happy-go-lucky riders release the bikes from the docking station in the city-center park and start riding. The novelty of cycling for the first time since they were kids has everyone smiling and posing for photographs, 42

City Bike Hirer

© Dog 'n' Bone Books 2014 gradually getting increasingly cocky as the wacky racers in the group attempt wheelies and bunny hops. Nothing is guaranteed to piss off a local more than people having fun, particularly when they are trying to enjoy a quiet lunch and their ham sandwich has just been coated in a fine layer of dust caused by an overzealous skid. Soon, the tourists are embracing their inner stuntmen: riding at top speed over humps and bumps, attempting to get some elusive air, and putting bikes onto walls and dropping off them onto the ground. One idiot even decides to ride through a fountain. It’s hilarious if you’re in your twenties and on holiday. For everyone else it’s about as funny as watching back-to-back Ashton Kutcher comedies.

Soon, all opportunities for park-based high jinx are expended and the happy pack go off in search of new adventures.

They head out of the gates, but the smiles are soon wiped from their faces as they emerge from the peaceful setting of the park and into three lanes of fast-moving traffic. The local motorists give them a friendly welcome. “Get out the bloody road,” “Move over you c***,” and “Watch where you’re going,” ring in the tourists’ ears when they miss a turning and get sucked into a oneway system. As they pedal tearfully down an underpass, they realize that they are trapped like rats beneath the city, surrounded by gas-guzzling predators rushing past them at high speed. They grit their teeth, pray, and pedal furiously until they exit out of the other side of the tunnel. Luckily, the lights change and the traffic draws to a halt, allowing the frightened tourists to head for safety and check for potentially sullied undergarments. “That’s it,” they say, “Never again, we’ll stick to the subway.” And they mean it, until the next evening when, after a night at a particularly raucous tourist trap, they decide to play with fire once again.

City Bike Hirer

43

© Dog 'n' Bone Books 2014

37

no.

SAFE CYCLIST

Cycling isn’t a sport without risks, but then neither is golf—you might get hit by a stray ball, drive your golf cart into a ditch, get attacked by an animal, or drop dead from pure boredom. Yet this doesn’t stop the participants of either sport dressing up in ridiculous clothes in preparation for a morning or afternoon of exercise.

Despite these risks, unless the golfer in question is exceptionally paranoid or insane, it’s very rare to see a player on a course in a helmet. On the other hand, the bike rider is regularly seen donning some form of protective headgear while out and about.

It’s a sensible choice, and one that many people wouldn’t argue with. After all, if your head has the displeasure of connecting with concrete, it would be a brave person who would rather they didn’t have a layer of polystyrene blocking the space between skull and road. It’s also rare to see a golfer equipped with a bell to ring each time he or she is about to take a shot. And yet, roads are choc-a-block with trigger-happy riders ready to sound a bell or honk a horn anytime someone dares move within a meter of the kerb edge.

When it comes to cycling, if regular trips to hospital aren’t your thing, then it’s simply common sense to take a few safety precautions. But that doesn’t mean you have to live in constant fear of getting hurt. Yes, lights should always be used at night, but does a bike really need to be armed with an LED cannon capable of emitting a focused light beam at over 1,500 lumens?

And why the need to spend hundreds on protective gear? For these guys, there’s no question of sporting an old pair of shorts and a crusty old T-shirt when riding. Instead, they are decked

96

Safe Cyclist

© Dog 'n' Bone Books 2014 out in protective gloves, padded trousers, and face masks to shield them from danger. It’s also increasingly common to see riders with video cameras fixed to helmets, pretending they are in an episode of Cops, ready to capture anything untoward that comes their way. Now, while it’s all well and good to take care when on a ride, heading out for a spin dressed as if you’re on a peacekeeping mission to Syria is a little on the excessive side.

Yet many choose to do so, and the maxim “It’s better to be safe than sorry” rattles around the heads of these paranoid velocipedes like loose ball bearings in a faulty bottom bracket.

Whether or not you choose to wear protection is entirely up to you—there are sensible arguments for both and we’re not here to judge. But, is there really any need to cover yourself from head-to-toe in safety gear? Cycling does have its risks, yet so does walking, driving, eating, ski-ing, and most other activities ending in –ing, yet you don’t witness pedestrians crossing the road in full body armor. Surely, to be too scared to go outside, unless you’re swaddled in fluorescent cloth capable of temporarily blinding anyone who shines so much as the screen of their iPhone in your direction, sucks all the joy of going for a ride. Yes, accidents can happen VERY RARELY, but preparing for carmageddon each time you set off from home is more likely to lead to stressrelated illness than an actual incident with a fellow road user. So, calm down!

© Dog 'n' Bone Books 2014

50 profiles of some of the cycling world’s most colorful characters So You Think You’re a Cyclist analyzes 50 members of the bike community, examining what makes these people tick—just as keen to whip themselves into a frenzy over the latest developments in suspension forks and carbon fiber as they are to preach to everyone they’ve ever met that cycling is the solution to all the world’s problems.

• Discover what it takes to become a member of the ever-growing number of cycle gangs who take to the streets, mountains, and track every day • Cyclists covered include the bike shop owner, fixie rider, BMXer, eco warrior, mountain biker, Stravaholic, tourer, and commuter • Each entry comes with a keenly observed illustration to help you spot a cyclist in seconds

GIFT/HUMOR £9.99 US $15.95 www.rylandpeters.com

Priced higher in Canada