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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly
Volume xliI Issue VII
OCTOBER 26TH, 2011
COFFEE
PATRONS OF NEW DUNKIN DONUTS SHOCKED TO FIND A CAMPUS THERE TOO BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
DOUGLASS—Douglass Campus at Rutgers University has been known for years for its idyllic buildings, its beautiful fields and its progressive approach to Women's Education. But, with the opening of a new eatery in the Douglass Campus Center, the former home of New Jersey's first college for women will now have even more that will make its founders proud: donuts and coffee. With the opening of a new Dunkin' Donuts, the second one to be placed on a Rutgers campus, the forgotten campus has finally stepped into the spotlight. "Really, Douglass has been ignored for a while," said Lauren Brophy, a representative from Douglass. "When you think about it, up until last year Douglass was basically as dull as Livingston, except the buildings were designed at a time
50¢ BATTLE
Mets given 10 game handicap for next season
Despite this clear advantage, they will probably still lose.
McDonalds fans celebrate return of McRib "We can only cheer loudly for, like, two minutes before we start panting and wheezing." COOK/DULLNESS CAMPUS Not only one, but TWO campuses have reportedly been found at Dunkin Donuts, one of which has the livestock to supply milk for your coffee.
when architecture was meant to be good looking." Continued Brophy, "I mean, I would have rather eaten at Old Tillett than at the Douglass Cafe. At Tillett, the food was terrible, but at least there you could eat as much of it as you wanted." The opening of the new food stand, highlighted by free coffee and tea on a recent week-
ATTENDANCE
Samuel L. J a c k s o n plays MLK on Broadway
end, trumped any previous major event on campus. "It was an exciting thing back when the Jameson dorms "I had a mothafuckin' dream, opened," said campus histo- that one day, this mothafuckin' rian Gwen Carthwright. "But nation would rise up..." the excitement lasted for only a Joan Rivers being few minutes, at which point all herself for the girls moved in, locked their doors and started quietly studyHalloween ing. "Its gonna be great! I'll have to have like 30 surgeries to get my big old nose and eyes back, but it'll be sooo worth it!"
Self-reporting absence system successful Average daily attendance for classes at 95%
BY DR. K MANAGING EDITOR
COLLEGE AVE —This year, the university began a trial of an online self-reporting absence system to have a more accurate depiction of class attendance by students. After reviewing data from the first month of the trial, it has been deemed a success. The average attendance rate for all classes is 99.5%. “I am thrilled to see these numbers,” said Dean Joseph Branch. “We had heard reports that some classes don’t take attendance and that the students would regularly miss classes and only show up for exams. Only 3 students have reported themselves as being absent all year, though.” Students feel that the new procedure is very intimidating. “I used to miss lecture all the time without giving it a second thought,” said SAS junior Kelsey
Iverson assures his 2-day tournament is a game "We talkin' bout a game man. Not practice, not practice, not practice. We talkin' about a game man!"
OH, WHERE TO SIT..... This class was reported to have 100% attendance on October 23rd, 2011.
Logan. “No one knew or cared if I was absent. Now that I have to report it, I just give in and go to class every day instead of watching Jersey Shore reruns.” The results of this experiment have lead to many other initiatives to be started in coming semesters such as an on-
line application where students must log the amount of sleep they get every night, and an application where students must report each time they have unprotected sex after drinking. Trials of these new applications will begin in Fall 2012.
Whip it good!
ESTABLISHED 1970
Dolphins forfeit next 10 games; Colts call bullshit Tensions rise as both teams try and play horribly in order to get top QB prospect Andrew Luck. "The Dolphins are full of shit! " said Colts, "We just gave up 62 pts. to the Saints! We are sooo the worst team in football. We're gonna get Andrew Luck and that's that!"