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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliI Issue IV
BEARZ
Celebrity Bear fakes death to avoid publicity BY THE KILLA WHALE FEATURES EDITOR
NASSAU—The Internet celebrity-bear named Hope was presumably killed last month in her home forest in Minnesota by a hunter who claimed to have shot the adolescent by accident. However, a tourist staying at the Sunrise Beach Club & Villas on Paradise Island in the Bahamas sent a picture of what experts believe is Hope, poolside, drinking a cocktail. While the bear’s identity has not yet been confirmed it is believed that Hope may have faked her death to avoid publicity. “This is actually quite common black bear behavior this time of year,” said Lynn Rogers, senior researcher at North American Bear Center. Unfortunately, tourists and residents at the Nassau resort have been unable to trace the bear’s whereabouts since being spotted at the pool. “She probably got spooked by the attention and moved on to a different hiding place. Much like Jason Bourne, once she starts moving, it’s going to be a bitch to find her again,” said Rogers. The hunter that supposedly shot Hope was questioned by Minnesota officials within 24 hours of receiving the photo. “I’m innocent, I swear! She threatened to eat me if I didn’t pretend to kill her! I saw what that bear did to Alec Baldwin! I just wanted myself a deer, I swear!” said the hunter. Officials said it’s conclusive that Hope is alive and well but her whereabouts still a mystery. Internet fans that have been following Hope since her birth was broadcast online two years ago have mixed reactions regarding the bear’s ‘death.’ “It’s a shame, just like Elvis, Tupac, and M.J. couldn’t handle all the fame,” said fan Kelly Freeley. “Maybe we should take it easy on people like the Kardashians and Bieber…they’ll be next to disappear.”
October 5TH, 2011
50¢
LACK OF CIVILITY
INCOMING FRESHMEN TO HAVE 20% LESS CLASS
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES EDITOR IN CHIEF
NASSAU—Rutgers' freshmen are about to get a little tougher. Starting next year, additional admissions criteria will be implemented in an effort to develop an incoming class with strong academics and equally strong personalities. The decision emerged during a meeting last week after University officials discussed the growing national demand for brash New Jersey culture, with such runaway hit shows as "Jersey Shore" and "Jerseylicious." "We strongly believe in our motto 'Jersey roots, global reach,' said Director of Media Relations Miranda Branson. "If we're to export the best representation of New Jersey to the rest of the world, we need to discard this notion of attracting Jersey's 'finest.'" Rutgers had steadfastly WE ARE (ALWAYS) THE CHAMPIONS stood by its decision, responding The university was quick to announce the change of league. to all press inquiries with "You gotta problem widdat?!"For a few congratualory fistpumps said high school senior Lesli many sleazy Jersey teens and obnoxious "WOO!"s. Strickler as she sat backwards though, the news is deserving of "You gotta be shitting me!" Continued on Page 2...
NEWS IN PICTURES
FIESTAAAAA! Rutgers weekend buses join in a Conga Line while they wait for any random student to show up and ride the bus (wink)
Writer's Block Forever ESTABLISHED 1970