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INSTA: @themediumRU

Sept. 12th, 2018

Volume LVI Issue I 50¢ STOCK PRICES BLAZING UP

TESLA STOCK SOARS AFTER MUSK PROVES HE'S COOL THROBIN WILLIAMS FINISHED TOO EARLY

LOS ANGELES– Tesla stock has jumped 40 points since smoking blunt with Joe Rogan on his podcast "The Joe Rogan Experience" this week. Musk appeared on the popular talk show on thursday to talk social media, artificial intelligence and tunnels. About two hours into their interview Joe Rogan sparked up a blunt and passed it to Musk. After a pause he took that blunt to the face and as he exhaled Tesla stock skyrocketed. A common complaint about the eccentirc billionaire is that he is a total square and doesn't do anything human. Despite not quite being sure how to inhale smoke into his lungs, Musk took a fat hit of the wood and sipped on some whiskey. Area woman Jill Stilman, 28,

Man Carrying 'End is Nigh' Sign Was Right All Along Jehovah's Witnesses: Coming Soon to Your Residence Hall

DOING GOOD Look how pumped that dude is!

had been considering investing a portion of her pay in the energy company, but wasn't sure whether she trusted Musk. "I was skeptical of his character, but when I saw him smoke with Joe Rogan I realized he's just a person like you and

me, and not a cold, lifeless robot" Musk did face some backlash from his more crotchety investors, but he brushed off their criticisms. "I'm not worried about what boomers think of how I live my life. And it's not like their Continued on Page 2

ALL EYEZ ON NEW JERSEY SUPERIOR COURT

PROCEEDINGS STILL UNDERWAY IN JEREMIH PATERNITY CASE THOT JOPLIN COMPOSER

PISCATAWAY— This marks the third week of family court hearings in the standoff between musical artist Jeremih’s legal team and graduate student Julie Lawson. Lawson, 23, recently commenced her first year at Rutgers Law School in Camden, and has been representing herself thus far in her unique paternity suit against established R&B figure Jeremih (nee Jeremih Felton). According to Lawson and a witness, the student listened to “Oui,” the fourth track on Felton’s 2015 album Late Nights: The Album, twelve consecutive

QUICKIES

"Wow immaculate conception is real!" times one evening in March her lower abdomen at around of 2018. She recalls feeling a 2:36 of the tenth repeat of the “warm, tingling sensation,” track. Lawson thought nothing and observing an unearthly of it at the time, but began purple glow radiating from Continued on Page 2

One Year Off Since 1970

Conservative Club Doubles in Size by Adding One New Member Alex Jones Forming New Social Media Platform to Own Libs Woman Accidentally Watches UK Version of The Office Area Man Wondering When Seasonal Depression from Winter '16 Will End


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NEWS

"Where are all the Jews?"

STAY OFF MY TURF

WA S H I N G T O N — D i s a s t e r struck a young freshman when a seemingly unassuming homonym caused enough confusion to send Tammy Gardner to a very different club than she was expecting. The leader of the turf club, Sam Greene, was “incredibly pleasant”, according to Gardner, giving her a warm welcome to the university and even offering to show her around. This was a stark contrast to the leader of the TERF organization, who Gardner unfortunately encountered after receiving incorrect directions. Gardner says she expressed interest in the turf club to a classmate, who happened to be involved with the TERFs. Assuming Gardner shared her political alignment, the classmate invited her to the TERF meeting, which took place in the basement of a sorority house on College Avenue after dark. This is already a massive difference from the actual turf club, which meets in Cook on weekend afternoons, weather permitting. “I never considered myself much of an activist, but these

COME TO OUR MEETINGS AND MAKE US BETTER! LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAY AT 7:45 PM AWKWARD TIME RIGHT? THANKS, STUDENT CENTER

Fall 2018

PATERNITY

feeling ill a few weeks later, and confirmed her pregnancy with a test obtained from her local drugstore. She has been firm in her stance that the apparently healthy and medically normal fetus she is now carrying to term was conceived on the night of the repeat listening, and that Jeremih is the father. “There’s just no other way,” Lawson said in a statement, “and it makes perfect sense. I always thought people were joking when they said a really sexy song could like, get them pregnant, but I guess that joke was based in a grain of truth. I know what happened to me, I just can’t explain how it happened and I’m hoping that science can.” In response to Lawson’s paternity petition filed this August, Jeremih’s legal team has been cooperative, and the artist has agreed to take a standard paternity test. The lab results, when they become available, will determine what further actions should be taken by both parties. Mr. Felton, 31, grew up in Chicago, and initiated his rise to stardom with his debut single “Birthday Sex” in 2009. Since then, he has found success as a singer, songwriter, rapper, and producer of similarly sweet and/or sensual tunes. “This is

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all pretty crazy, but I’m honestly surprised something like this didn’t happen sooner,” Felton was recorded saying, with a subtle wink. Lawson has made comments suggesting the involvement of popular streaming service Spotify in her case as well. Where Late Nights is available for purchase from retailers as a compact disc or digital download, a disclaimer clearly lists accidental pregnancy as a possible side effect of extended listening. However, the law student claims she was not aware of the risks because of Spotify’s unclear wording in their disclaimer to listeners. Spotify has not yet been reached for comment. Despite the strange circumstances of her pregnancy, Julie maintains a positive attitude, stating she probably wanted to have kids in the future anyway. “Whatever happens, this is going to be a really funny story someday,” she told the paper, “It’s possible that my kid is half famous! Worst case scenario is that I just turn out to be a regular single mom/lawyer, but that’s not so bad either. There's always dating websites and it's probably pretty easy to meet divorced dads!"

people just made me incredibly uncomfortable,” Gardner reported. “Part of it was just that I wasn’t expecting it, but even after I realized where I was, I just wanted to leave.” She says they had “activities” such as jeering at movie scenes featuring transgender women or crossdressing boys, shredding trans pride flags, and one of them delivering a speech about how important it is to enforce gender roles. “Like I said, I’m not much of an activist, but everything about it seemed unnecessarily hateful and shockingly unfeminist.” Gardner managed to escape while one member was going on an Alex Jones-esque rant about how “dysphoria” was a made up concept and an excuse for “men” to dress up as girls so they could perv on them in the bathrooms, as if anyone who wanted to creep on people in the bathrooms would go through the trouble of actually transitioning. “It was overall terrible and I really just needed a hug after it.” Fortunately for Gardner, she found the turf club on facebook and had very pleasant time with her fellow grass enthusiasts over MUSK DOESN'T SMOKE MIDS STOCK PRICES BLAZING UP the weekend.

DO YOU THINK WE'RE FUNNY? THE ONION AND CLICKHOLE DIDN'T!

Editorial Staff

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WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

GRASS AND FIELD ENTHUSIAST EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE AT T.E.R.F. MEETING

HEYWOOD JABLOMI SUPPORTS TRANS GIRLS, ALL NIGHT LONG

Wednesday, September 12th, 2018

Editor-in-Chief Jordan Plaut Managing Editor Marissa Schwartz Business Manager Shaina Joseph Mascot Sick New Brunswick Cat

support matters all that much since they'll all be dead soon anyway." Twitter has been abuzz with praise of the tech mogul for proving he's cool and not a total loser. East Brunswick High School Senior and known degenerate Nathan Fitzgerald has tweeted at Musk multiple times a week pressuring Musk to smoke weed. Teslas stock price increase is not surprising after his allusions to taking the company private News Editors Dan Cretella Zoe Sifnakis Opinions Editor Zachary Fox Arts Editor Rimond Siddique Personals Editor Jeff Zhang Page A7 Editor Chris Michael Features Editor Scott Hoberman

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at some point in the near future. But that move could be coming sooner dependig on how long Tesla can continue to trend up. Musk is slated to appear on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon on Friday, where the two will do whippits and play Hungry Hungry Hippos with Cher. Experts predict that if Musk does more than one he can really cement himself as "cool" in the eyes of shareholders. Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche

Advait Suvarnakar Zoe Sifnakis Marissa Schwartz Max Broggi-Sumner William Field The IT Person

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the 2017 National Humor Conference! Thanks Princeton!


Wednesday, September 12th, 2018 themedium.features@gmail.com

FEATURES

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“What the fuck is a feature”

SERIOUSLY THOUGH ARE THESE FEATURES

Weekly Advice from Herschel the Hassidic

GETTING MORE JEWISH BY THE MINUTE

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s...

“This week is Rosh Hashanah, one of the most important Jewish holidays. The literal translation from Hebrew is ‘Head of the Year’, so be sure to give the best head you’ve given this entire year. I mean really go for it. Dip that schmuck in honey to sweeten it up if you have to. Quit kvetching, have a nosh, and get that tuches to Temple!” -Ya boi Herschel

Weed Strains Or Deeply Hurtful Nicknames By My Stepdad Dave? By David Ralton 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7)

Goat Head Puerto Rican Fairydust Stinky Pink Nectarine Lips Gorilla Girl 5-Spice Jimbo Donkey Butter

Take a guess! 1) Weed- Known for its euphoric and relaxing sensation, this sativa-dominant hybrid is sure to get you to forget all about the time Dave called you a goat fucker. 2) Name- A truly traumatic experience, this clever nickname really highlighted my insecurities about my sexuality after performing as Tony in my 5th grade rendition of West Side Story. 3) Name- A subject of many a therapist session, this nickname is one that always comes to mind when recommending to those looking to form long lasting scars on their stepchild’s psyche. 4) Weed- this sativa strain has a fruity aroma reminiscent of a fresh Summer’s day, except the one when mom married Dave which was a terrible Summer day and you had to leave camp for it and they didn’t even have dinosaur chicken nuggets which mom knew were your favorite. 5) Weed- An interesting mix of pain relief and positive thoughts, this hybrid is the daughter strain of Gorilla Glue and Thin Mints, and also a nickname Dave used for my sister. 6) Name- Not a particularly well thought out one, this pet name just rolled off Dave’s brain, and just goes to show that sometimes it’s the simplest ones that hurt the most. 7) Both- With a name like Donkey Butter, this CBDstrong indica strain was just asking for Dave to use it like he did on the loudspeaker at school to announce to everyone that you like to eat your oats out of a trough even though you only did that twice.

...kosher as fuck and will literally rip your face off. 8 Ways to Tell if Your Roommate Is Trying to Kill You By Slightly Anxious Man 1) You see them repeatedly googling something like “how to murder your roommate and get away with it.” I’m not confident this is a definite sign, but it should at least make you suspicious. 2) They keep a bat, hockey stick, or tennis racket under their bed but never play any sports. 3) They keep a bat, hockey stick, or tennis racket under your bed but never play any sports. 4) They are often trying to see if they can fit through the window in your room. However, this can also be a sign that they are failing classes. 5) When you make eye contact with them, you see them mouth the words “I hate you.” 6) You wake up and see them standing over your bed and staring at you, and they don’t say “Okay to be honest, I think I’m in love with you.” If they say that, you have a less stressful but more difficult problem. 7) They often look at your neck from different angles with an inquisitive, villanious grin. Then again, they also might be in love with you. 8) They invite you on a camping trip just the two of you. Wow though, still could totally be an innocent attempt to get with you. It’s gonna be really hard to tell if they are trying to kill you or are just in love with you. No wonder I got my ex-girlfriend arrested. Sometimes you just gotta play it safe...


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OPINIONS

Wednesday, September 12th, 2018

themedium.opinions@gmail.com

“Check out these gradients.”

UNIVERSITY VOICES

University Voices: What are you most excited for coming back to school?

“Making the same mistakes as last year." Mackenzie

“Starting off with a bang in my new single!" Mary Lee

“My dad doesn't call me a failure as often when I'm in my dorm.” Jon Hanks

OLD GEISER

WHY CHILDREN ARE STUPID AND WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO RUN THE WORLD BY OLD MAN RAFFERTY

In our daily lives us adults work hard every day to make sure we play our part in being a productive member of society. We put in the hours, we fight for what we believe in, and we work for the benefit of not just ourselves, but for people we are responsible for. The people I speak of are children. People say every day that children will one day run out world, but I think it is quite clear how false that is. Now, don't get me wrong, children work every day to learn about the world around them, but they are just so fucking stupid. Children can never live on their own because they would end up dead without an adult around. Many children also don't even know how to swim and the small ones don't even know how to walk or even talk!!! Children are so unintelligent and they don't even have the bruting size to compensate for it. How will they fight our wars, build our building, continue the great works of the Space Force. It is these reasons why we cannot rely on children to support our future, but to keep the power with adults. Adult are strong and can beat the shit out of any child, and I know first hand.

TOMATO TOMATO

REMEMBER ME?

OK....

THE DICK MAKES IT BETTER BY BARTHOLOMEW UCHIHA

I'm sick of having this argument. Every single day I go to post some cute dickgirls on 4chan and some scumfuck degenerate comes along to tell me that I'm gay. But I am straight, alright? So straight. I say "no homo" when I touch my friend's hand on accident. I don'T touch my dick when I pee at the urinal. I even watch lesbian porn because the thought of seeing a naked man makes me want to vomit. If you put my sexuality on a graph, you could plot that bitch with y = mx + b because it would be a god damned line. So you can't tell me that I'm gay because I like traps. Let me walk you through a scenario. You're 7 Bud Lights deep at the bar when all of a sudden this dime walks in and sits down on the stool next to you. Red lips, long hair, the works. You strike up a conversation about some hobby you have so that people don't realize you're a boring piece of shit, and she's into it. Super into it. You do some shots together and just like that she wants you to take her home. The sexual tension in your Uber is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Finally you get to your apartment and she comes upstairs with you. You go into the bathroom to freshen up while she waits in your bedroom. After a quick bit of manscaping you walk back in to find her laying there completely naked. You walk over to the bed slowly, as she smiles at you with anticipation. Then you climb on with her and you suck her cute feminine penis. What's gay about that?

BY TOMATO Hey there! It's me, the tomato currently sitting in the back of the vegetable drawer in your fridge. Remember me? You bought me like two months ago? I still remember it so vividly, almost like it was yesterday. I was sitting in my box in Trader Joe's when you walked over, you were stunning. And you must have thought I was pretty attractive too, because you picked me up, instead of all my tomato brethren and spun me around, looking at me all over. It felt like love at first sight. I remember when you put me in your basket, I knew I had found the one. Or so I thought. At first it felt great, when you purchased me, and brought me home. I thought I was destined for greatness. Maybe you were going to put me into some guacamole? Or or or you could have put me in a salad! Yeah that's it, a salad! That would have been amazing, just me tossed into your salad. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like any of this is going to happen now. It's been an eternity. I think you've forgotten I exist. Everyday I see you open up the fridge and my drawer only to pick something else: an apple, a carrot, some iceberg lettuce. Hell I even saw you pick up some cherry tomatoes earlier today. And with each pick, I just rolled farther into the back of the fridge. I'll be honest it hurts. I had dreams that we'd have good times together, but now I'm just slowly becoming rotten and bitter. Instead of keeping me in this refrigerated state of limbo, can't you just end it for me? Throw me out if you're not going to use me! Just don't leave me like this. It's just so painful and I can't bear being in this fridge, waiting for something to happen to me any longer.


Wednesday, September 12th, 2018

themedium.arts@gmail.com

"METAL GEAR LX" BY LOU SKUNT

“FRAT DICK OF THE WEEK” BY LOU SKUNT

ARTS

“iI love my bidet”

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"ALTERNATE UNIVERSE" BY LOU SKUNT

“MY MIXTAPE” BY LOU SKUNT

LOOK AT THIS BRIGHT YELLOW BOX! SO MUCH DAMN EMPTY SPACE. NOW DO YOU WANT LESS EMPTY SPACE SO YOUR EYES DON'T BLEED AS BAD? COME JOIN THE MEDIUM! WE MEET WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45PM AT THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER . ROOM PENDING. SUBMIT US CONTENT AND GET RID IF THIS YELLOW BLOCK FOR GOOD!


PERSONALS

the Medium ME?

DEAR

I’m starting to think that WWE might be rigged.

I’m so lonely do you want to go on a date?

Princeton has such a nice campus.

Pretty sure I’ve put on deoderent like 4 times today cuz’ I keep forgetting if I put it on or not. (Oh shit. Did I forget deoderant?) I don’t like this new thing where just being a white guy is uncool. It invalidates anything cool I do. No matter what it’s not cool just because I’m the one that did it.

themedium.personals@gmail.com

“Love is like a dill pickle.”

WHY

(Yeah, people are totally intentionally getting hit in the head with folding chairs. If it’s rigged what are the referees doing there? And why are the wrestlers always so suprised when the undertaker shows up? Idiot.)

Wednesday,September 12th, 2018

(I wrote this personal to myself, please someone talk to me.) What’s the funniest way to die? (Gotta be some sort of medieval clown themed execution. Or is that the scariest? No it’s the funniest. Imagine being drawn and quartered by helium balloons.) I gotta say, Moonlight was the gayest, blackest, movie I’ve seen this year. (Get Out.)

So I was on the bus the other day and someone farted...and I gotta say it smelled pretty good.

(It’s because kids these days eat so healthy. They’re basically eating rainbows and sparkles. Or the guy was probably real(Yeah it’s like white dudes are ly fat and it just smelled like a combo of every delicious thing the new Asians) he’s eaten since he woke up.)

THIS IS FROM USC’S “THE SACK OF TROY”. GOOD SHIT. THE ONION AND CLICKHOLE THOUGH IT WAS FUNNY. SUPPORT STUDENT MEDIA!

(Yeah but did you know everything closes there at like 10 and there are only like two bars and you can’t have a car on campus?)

I’m sure their parties are super chill and I bet everyone is really respectul. (They’re just as fucked up as ours. Someone stole my jacket at one of those parties. Plus, everyone sucks at beer pong.) Princeton greek life is also probably really well organized and non-threatening.

(It basically doesn’t exist. They have these super pretentious eating clubs. Actually they’re really nice. I’m jealous.)

Do other schools have something like you guys? (Yeah we were actually at a Humor Conference and 17 other schools were there. Ohio State, BC, Quinnipiac, USC and Maryland are pretty cool. Hofstra is fucking weird. But we’re the best. We’re the only weekly publication. Suck it.) Oh so what was the conference like? (I’m glad you asked person who definitely isn’t me. It was super fun. The Onion and Clickhole came to workshop with us. And luckily basically everyone was funny.) Did you say USC came? South Carolina or Southern California? (California. They said they have no funding, but somehow they made it all the way to Princeton. I don’t get it. Also The Onion judged every school’s articles and said USC submitted the best one. Talk about some BS. Our article on why I wouldn’t fuck Beethoven is grade A content.) Damn, that is some bullshit. You’ll get ‘em next year. Anyway, BC is Boston College right?

Our meetings are on Wednesday’s, 7:45pm at the RSC room 411B, if you’re the type of person who might find that information useful.

(Tell me about it. And yeah. Did you know they aren’t allowed to have sex at school. Freakin’ Catholic schools, am I right? Also there’s this one kid from BC that everyone in their club hates.)

What was the best part about the Conference?

(That’s such a shitty, generic question. You couldn’t have come up with anything better? Fucking disgraceful. I mean seriously. Who do you think you are?)

GOD

You think God exists? Then let me ask you something. Why did my pants, that I really liked and had for a long time, rip? It wasn’t even along the seam. Yeah, that’s what I thought. You don’t have an answer. Those were quality pants. Perfectly acceptable, nondescript pants. Messed up. WHY

ME?

Why do little kids endlessly ask questions starting with “why”?

I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and I wasn’t too happy with what I saw. What should I do. (Probably work out. Or be more positive. I mean the answers are pretty simple. You really had to ask this?) I want this guy in my class to say hi to me.

(Not sure, but to shut them up say, “because I said so.” Then the kid cries and you win.) Why does the man across the street from me keep looking at me through his bedroom window? (Because you’re super fucking hot. I mean clearly this guy is a creep, but have you seen yourself. Those tits are fuckign amazing. That ass. Damn. I mean I wouldn’t do that, but I understand. Mmmmmmmm.)

(If you want him to notice you, shit on your desk.) Is it just me, or does anyone else see that little green thing in the corner? (I see it too, bro. I see it, too.)

I DON’T KNOW IF I MADE THIS CLEAR ENOUGH, BUT--FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW--WE JUST WENT TO THE NATIONAL INTERCOLLEGIATE HUMOR CONFERENCE IN PRINCETON. THE ONION AND CLICKHOLE WERE THERE. SO WAS MIKE BIRBIGLIA. IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME. THESE ARE THE KINDS OF PERKS YOU GET WHEN YOU ARE APART OF THE ONLY WEEKLY SATIRICAL HUMOR PUBLICATION IN THE COUNTRY. BUT, WHAT DO I KNOW? OH THAT’S RIGHT, EVERYTHING.


Wednesday September 12th, 2018

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PAGE A7

“I hope Alex Jones and Marco Rubio make up.”

the Medium

Dumbass Filled With Excitement After Seeing Jostens Stand In Student Center By Dandy Cough-Man Fears God

New Brunswick, NJ- With the start of a new semester comes new opportunities for students to waste money, not one to miss this chance, Jostens has set up a stand in the Student Center. “Hello, excuse me! May I interest you in a University charm bracelet?” yells Susan Jones, a sales rep for Jostens. “Most students are smart and avoid making eye contact or just ignore me altogether. Occasionally, though there will be an idiot who gleefully chooses to talk to me. They really keep the business alive.” Mike Cardoza is a freshman at Rutgers, he expressed his dumb joy after seeing the Jostens sign, “I love class rings!! I love how they show your interests. If anyone’s curious they can just look at your finger and know ‘Oh Mike likes Home Ec and Discus.” In high school, Mike paid the extra $80 to have his yearbook engraved. “I wasn’t sure if I’d remember that I loved theatre in high school, luckily I was able to have the comedy and tragedy masks permanently etched into my yearbook.” Cardoza reportedly purchased five RU arm bangles before heading to his Business class.

Album Of The Year

If I Would’ve Known You Were All Just Going To Burn Them, I Wouldn’t Have Put So Much Effort In By 8 year old Nike employee

As a Nike employee, I take pride in my work. So when I get home after a long 16 hour work day and have 20 minutes to eat and watch the news and see that people in America are burning our shoes, it hurts. This is my livelihood. I chose to pursue a career in the shoe-making industry not because it was easy, or lucrative; nay,I chose it because I was forced to! When I see thousands of people displaying my works upon their blessed American feet, I get that sense of fulfillment and catharsis that only an eight year old factory worker can know. Look, I know there are grievous times in the history of one’s country where action must be taken, grounds required to be stood. And again, nobody knows that more than me. So if I would have just known that you all would be burning my shoes, I wouldn’t have put so much love and care into crafting them. Those were some of my best pieces that were sent up in the flames. The Nike G6 Runner class, the Nike Zoom Pegasus Turbo; The Mona Lisa to my Da Vinci, the David to my Michelangelo. You could have been burning shit like the Nike G4 Runner class, but no of course it had to be my masterpieces. All I’m saying is, next time you’re trying to take a political stance, think about the artists that you are truly affecting and the time of the children you are wasting.


SEPTEMBER 12th, 2018 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com MONEY FOR NOTHING

NEW E - S P O RT S TAC TIC: DON'T S HOW E R DARKANIMEFAN1997 TOTAL WEEB

NEW BRUNSWICK— Gamers at 2018's Fall Friendlies were treated to a particularly fragrant display of skill this Sunday as Eugene 'DarkAnimeFan1997' Wilson made his debut on the Rutgers eSports scene. This Ice Climbers main had an amazing run in the Melee Singles bracket, especially considering it was the first tournament of his career. This is the first social event I've been to since my best friend's birthday party in the fourth grade, said AnimeFan after his 5-2 run at the competition. ÏIs there a reason why everyone sits so far away from the TV when they play? Other players described the up and comer's scent as a pungent mix of garlic, chewing tobacco, and middle

come up with something fast, said Swedish before leaving the tourney. So I grabbed a Rutgers eSports shirt off the merch table, ripped it in half, and stuck the cloth up my nose. It didn't block it out completely, but at least I could sit close enough to see the TV. Even so, AnimeFan took Swedish to the limit, going to game five of their best of five set. GIVE ME AN E

school locker room with a mild hint of morning breath. The aroma lingered so heavily that the entire venue had to be power washed afterward.

to defeat all challengers, save Rutgers alumni Swedish Delight who deployed a revolutionary new odor blocking strategy in response.

Through a devastatingly effective mix of wobbling and bodily odor, Wilson managed

After watching three players forfeit to avoid sitting near him, I knew I had to

With Fall Friendlies now over, the fledgeling Icies main sets his sights on the Fireside Open. Rumors are already spreading amongst the Rutgers Melee scene about a potential boycott of the event in response to his attendance.

RING-A-DING-DING

HOW MANY LOSSES UNTIL THE FINAL BLOW

WINNING THE ONLY WAY WE KNOW HOW SInce 1970

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