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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
October 13th, 2021
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX 69¢ BUNCH OF HORNY HERMITS
THE MEDIUM LEAVES BUNKER AFTER MISSING LAST 18 MONTHS HARRY NUTTSAAC GOTTA MOW THE LAWN
Members of The Medium emerged from their underground bunker earlier this week and after a couple of days, I already want to go back down there. When the news broke that a deadly virus was spreading across the country and, more importantly, that we had to get the fuck off of campus, The Medium thought it was wise to take shelter in our emergency bunker located beneath the Livingston Student Center (the bunker was in lieu of getting any substantial funding from RUSA). While in that bunker, The Medium was fed information about the outside world from the sorry sons o' bitches we locked outside. We were also able to transcribe and send articles to the surface via morse code to be uploaded to
our WordPress site, although we were never told if anyone actually read any of that shit. Regardless of our feelings about personal safety around COVID, The Medium was forced to return to the surface by lacking food supplies (we tried to
extend our stay by eating some of our members first, you can read their obituaries on A7). When we reached the outside world, The Medium was confronted with an ongoing pandemic, a country that was recently on the brink of authoritarianism, an Continued on Page 2
KEEP FEELING FASCINATION
BUSCH PASTA STATION NOW ANIMATRONIC-RUN AFTER MURDER SPREE
KIRA AMETHYST SLUT FOR CARBONARA SAUCE
As of Sunday, October 10, 2021, the pasta station at Busch Dining Hall is run by a sexless animatronic after a lunch lady murdered the rest of the dining hall staff over the pasta station work schedule. Tracy Rossi, 49, was discovered by custodians in the Busch Dining Hall kitchen on Saturday morning standing over the bodies of the rest of the dining hall staff with a butcher’s knife in hand. She did not attempt to escape, and upon police questioning confessed to her crime: “I was sick and tired of these old, lazy, saggy-titted bitches abandoning me to run the pasta station alone during rush hour, so I killed them, and I enjoyed it!”
ccording to multiple regulars A at the Busch Dining Hall, conflict between the lunch ladies at the pasta station had been perceptible for weeks. “I overheard Mrs. Rossi muttering under her breath in
frustration about how strictly she had to ration the alfredo sauce,” said one student who asked to remain anonymous out of fear Rossi would murder them next. Continued on Page 2
Carving Gloryholes Since 1970
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