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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIX Issue XXIV
50¢
April 29th, 2009
CAMPUS
AE∏ PREGAMES RUTGERS DAY Mike Padlocke “Wait, Where’s N.E.R.D.?” BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
COOK —Due to a host of misinformation, the brothers of AE∏ showed up to the Rutgers Day events this past Saturday “fucking schwasted and ready to rage,” according to a statement from the Rutgers Interfraternity Council. Despite the fact that fraternity members collective GPAs are, on average, .057 points higher than those of their inferiorly unaffiliated peers according to an article in the Daily Targum, the brothers acted under the assumption that the Rutgersfest concert was on the 25 th, as opposed to the similarly named Rutgers Day. “It was a complete mindfuck,” posited Eli Gordon, Pledge Class of ’09. “We thought we were going to a shitshow, but instead we hit up a shitty showcase of everything this fine university has to offer.” Gordon wasn’t the only one to display utter consternation upon realizing the blunder. Eyewitnesses report one Michael Padlocke sitting on the ground with his arms crossed, sobbing uncontrollably next to the petting zoo exhibit and refusing to get up until Motion City Soundtrack took the non-existent stage. He was later coaxed away back to the house by the promise of an empty room and a DVD of Cock Hungry Cowboys III: No Cunt for Old Men, starring The Medium’s own Jon Bershadt. Padlocke was also assured that “relevant material for his shitty column” was waiting for him at the fraternity.
OVERHEARD “GIRL TOTALLY EYEFUCKED ME ACROSS THE GYM” BUSCH — During a recent workout session, one Geoff Irving claims to have briefly garnered the attention of a “hot broad” across the room at the Sonny Werblin Recreating Center gym. “I was just doing some curls,” he explained. “As I was checking myself out in the mirror, our eyes definitely locked for a few moments.” Eyewitnesses report that she then “awkwardly looked away” and that the two did not acknowledge each other for the remainder of the duration.
ASHER ROTH RUINS PARTYING FOREVER Half-Assed Rap Album Behind Campuswide Teetotaling BY WILHELM SCHNOTZ CONTRIBUTING GNOME
COLLEGE AVE —Theta Delta Chi brother Jake McKeever sighs and pours himself another cup. But it’s not a keg he’s pumping tonight - much to the contrary. He gingerly sips the contents of the copper teapot and we speak for a while. The outlines of past beer pong games disappear below a jumble of printed articles and notebooks. “It started a few weeks ago, I guess,” Jake begins. “We were all, you know, partying it up like usual. It was just getting warm out, so we had some great bitc... excuse me, ladies... well, anyway, they were all over and everyone was dancing and having a good time. Then the DJ puts on that Asher Roth song ‘I Love College’, and everyone just kind of stops and looks at each other. Then we all go home, just like that.”
Added Jake, “It was quiet. Scary quiet. Nobody wanted to look at each other.” Jake’s story is not an isolated incident at Rutgers. Ever since the Morrisville, PA native Asher Roth’s album Asleep In the Bread Aisle hit stores on last Tuesday, it seems that the popularity of partying on campus has fallen precipitously. When asked, the reasoning is ubiquitous: “I Love College”, Roth’s smash hit, is such an embarrassing portrayal of the college lifestyle that students can no longer bear the association. “Do somethin’ crazy! Do somethin’ crazy!” groans Benjamin Davis, an SAS junior, quoting the song. “Are you kidding me? I’ll show you something crazy, Asher. I’m not going out this weekend at all. I’m going to look over my notes for the Physics exam on Suncontinued, “FAIL,” page 2
A tribute
The recently erected Keystone Memorial key-stone keeps watch over Vorhees Mall. Here, two mourners pay their respects.
DUMB CAUSES
Content State to Hold Counter-Rally Demonstrating Unawareness BY BENDING RODRIGUEZ & THE GIRL PERSONALS EDITOR STAFF WRITERS
COLLEGE AVE—Tent State participants and coordinators voted 56 to 0 to establish a brutal totalitarian autocracy in which martial law is always in place and people are killed for protesting. “Our Tents! Our Society!” ringed on the lawn as the tent dwelling students were stripped out of their clothes and placed into grey jumpsuits with the Tent state insignia stitched on the front. The primary goals
A protester claims his campgrounds.
Pitchin’ one of Tent State were to hold a weeklong event in which students are able to democratically choose how their
society is set up while also attending free classes and workshops. Before the tents
were even properly staked, a vote was proposed by a student named Chris Enturion, which called for beheadings of any student who didn’t agree with Tent State policy. Chris’ brother Caleb Enturion seconded the motion to put the proposition to vote and Christina Enturion (no relation) rallied others to the cause. Attached to the “Big Brother Proposition” are provisions to equip anyone with a name starting with “C” and ending with “Enturion” with broad police powers as well as the suspension of continued, “DUMB CAUSES,” page 2
Also Inside... Ahmadinejad Resists Condom Outreach Efforts: “We will continue to produce weapons of crass reproduction”
Number 3 Pencil Used on Scantron Form; Machine Becomes Self-Aware and Enslaves Humanity
Sperm Not Sure if Egg is “The One”
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Shavin Ya’ Balls Every Wednesday! ESTABLISHED 1970
THE MEDIUM
NEWS “Fuck the Liberty Bell.”
Editorial Staff Spring 2009
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Colin Fong John Bender Gary Klimowicz Paul Winters
News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editor Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Copy Editor Staff Artist Staff Photographer Staff Writer Staff Writer Faculty Advisor
Abe Stanway Keith Lawrence Carmella Luczak Reven MacQueen Dave Imbriaco Katie Daivis Mike Vuono Paul Winters Erinn Koener Katie Russian Tim Swanson Hermann Hesse Jiddu Krishnamurti Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and not necessarily shared by The Medium, or the authors themselves. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Cormac McCarthy, who enjoys writing about dead babies as much as I enjoy reading about them. Corrections: The Medium is the most reputable source of news in New Jersey. Do you think we make mistakes with that kind of title?
“DUMB CAUSES,” continued from front any sort of basic human rights in terms of incarceration. “This shows how great democracy truly is,” Chris Enturion said in an interview after the vote. “The best thing is that you don’t see this kind of voting and distribution of rights in thirdworld countries where they suffer under a totalitarian autocracy.”
Retaliation
In response to this hyper-activism in determining how Tent State is run, a counter group has been formed under the name of Content State. According to Content State officials, the group will hold counter-rallies demonstrating unawareness of issues brought up by Tent State. Hundreds of students have organized their apathy into a weeklong unawareness campaign; a week marked by complacency and unread newspapers, with the exception of the comics page. Throughout the week, participants will demonstrate their unawareness by continuing to do exactly what they are doing now. Making guest appearances at the anti-rally are several tenured Rutgers professors, old people who are about to die, and the Oakland Raiders head coach, Tom Cable. The highlight of the week will be the closing party in which students will dance to “99 Luftballons” and “Fortunate Son” because they are so damn catchy.
Wednesday, April 29th, 2009
WORLD
SWINE FLU UNLEASHED BY JEWS BY ZAYIN GADOL NEWS EDITOR
NEW YORK— The “Jews,” as they are colloquially known, have claimed full responsiblity for the current swine flu epidemic striking the Empire State. “We, the chosen people, have collectively decided that since we can’t eat pork, no one else should be able to either,” announced Rabbi Shpeech al ha-Panim at his roadside home yesterday. Civil unrest is growing as pork casualities begin to number in the thousands. “We are starting to doubt if our bacon supplies will last the month,” said the New Yorker’s Porker’s Association President, Dr. Joseph Kwiatek. “This is cause for a bit of alarm, wouldn’t you say?” Despite pleas by the Center for Disease Control
Unkosher, my ass
Convert, and spare yourself from this harbinger of death!
(CDC), Obama is focusing government efforts on a vaccine for pigs before researching a viable way to prevent humans from contracting the virus. Said
Obama: “Life isn’t worth living without bacon. We have to save the pigs before we do anything else!” Cops across the nation wholeheartedly agree.
MUSIC
Study Finds Jonas Brothers’ Music Adversely Affects Penis Size BY SATANIC YODA PERSONALS EDITOR
DISNEYLAND—A new study by the claims that exposure to music composed or performed by the Jonas Brothers can have severe effects on the size of a man’s penis. Published last week,
the study was conducted by a American Urological Instituteand involved over 2,500 participants, making it the largest study to date on how shitty, corporate-manufactured music affects one’s manliness. At the beginning of the study, all participants had their
“FAIL,” continued from front day, and then I’m going to call my mom and let her know what I’ve been up to. Fuck you.” Some students had even more dramatic reactions. When innocently asked whether she felt comparisons between Asher Roth and Eminem were valid, Rutgers College senior Emma Barlow responded before running into the library sobbing, “At least Eminem never rhymed ‘wasted’ with ‘wasted’. Hearing that smug shit say [‘time isn’t wasted when you’re getting wasted’] that way made me rethink, like, everything. I’ve been spending the best years of my life grinding up on sweaty guys that smelling like Natty in dark rooms at three in the fucking morning. Why did I even come here? Oh, god, no...” Strangely enough, one’s initial assumption that university officials would be pleased at this change in student lifestyle is absolutely mistaken. “Right here we’ve got a 10,000 signature petition for increasing the printing balance,” says Donald E. Smith, Vice President of Information Technology, motioning towards a professionally bound stack of paper. “I know I’m not the only one hurting here. The students have become alarmingly or-
penis sizes measured as a baseline. Half were then exposed to Jonas Brothers music for half an hour and half were not for the same amount of time, and the results were shocking. Penis shrinkages ranged from a few centimeters to the penis completely turning
ganized, asking for all sorts of things we can’t give them. More sections for Physics labs, access to some of the academic journals we’ve let lapse over the past few years... you name it, they’re willing to strike for it. Someone needs to get them back to the damned Keystone, right away. That Asher fellow should have kept his mouth shut.” Indeed, it would seem that the University has for years relied on the majority of students spending only a tiny fraction of their time at Rutgers attending to their academic lives in any way. Or, in the words of Rutgers College senior Alex Precoda, “boring, blunt-cruising, entitled troglodytes such as myself and Mr. Roth.” At dining halls across Rutgers, even stories of the distant past’s drunken antics are no longer a standby of conversation, it seems, as they invite comparison to any number of songs by or highly-publicized interviews with Asher Roth. Despite all evidence of Asleep in the Bread Asile’s success (top album spot on iTunes, charting ahead of luminaries such as Rick Ross and Miley Cyrus), all indications are that the release has hit the 13-17 year old high school male and the 25-32 year old stillgetting-caught-smoking-weed-in-highschool-parking-lot demographics harder than any actual college aged group.
itself inside out and morphing into what looks like a vagina. Dr. Bigcock, head researcher, also noted that further research would be done on the effects of Jonas Brothers music on the unborn and whether it can be used to induce fetal suicide as an alternative to abortion.
Study on! Last Friday night’s crowd at Alexander Library. INSERT: Asher Roth
Additionally, the new anti-alcohol movement doesn’t seem to affect everyone at Rutgers. When asked about alcohol abuse on campus, a spokesman for Chi Psi stated, “This fraternity has never advocated, encouraged, or otherwise tolerated underage alcohol consumption of any kind. We had no prior knowledge of Asher Roth or the song in question.”
THE MEDIUM Awkward Date Alleviated by Mutual Friend’s Entrance Wednesday, April 29th, 2009
NEWS
“You wanted congratulations? You got it. Also, copyrighting requires paperwork”
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
New Brunswick- A date that was progressing horribly was alleviated by the entrance of a mutual friend last Friday night in Brower Commons dining hall. SAS First Year students Greg Jeffries and Michelle Holden were in the middle of what relationship experts called a “hellish nightmare” of a date. Apparently, the two students had run out of topics to talk about and were sitting in silence when a mutual friend of theirs, Bryan Steele, came over for a few minutes. “Oh yeah, I totally saw them sitting there and I was on my way to the ice cream bar so I sat down,” Steele said in an interview the next day.
“Our other friend Chuck totally got blasted the night before and I had to tell them the story.” Chuck Holt, another mutual friend of Jeffries and Holden, had drank approximately “a shit ton of beer” and proceeded to run up to random pedestrians on College Ave. and proposition them for hugs and kisses. The story went over extremely well with Greg and Michelle and they both agreed that Chuck is “crazy”. “I mean seriously! That kid is crazy! Who would do that?” Jeffries commented. After Steele had left, the dialogue between Jeffries and Holden was riddled with funny jokes about Chuck and stories about that one party where Chuck was really ham-
Pictured: Greg and Michelle on a date at the Somerset Diner mered. However, after Michelle said, “that’s so funny” about the party, the conversation immediately died and silence gripped the table once again. “I was trying to look
around and see if one of my friends would come over and talk to us but Brower was unnaturally empty that night,” Holden said to her roommate back at Brett Hall. Sources close to the pair have not revealed any fu-
ture plans for dating although the movie “Jumper” was brought up as being a “cool flick, kinda” and it could lead to some intense accidental hand brushing and two second bursts of eye contact.
Wal-Mart Introduces Drive-Thru Liquor Section BY NIGS McFINKLETON & WHORE TEASE STAFF WRITERS
Bentonville, AK- In an effort to respond to the needs of consumer, Wal-Mart is unveiling plans to add a drive-thru liquor section to its plethora of Super Centers. “I don’t know why it’s never been done before.” Said Hue J. Dumas, CEO of Walmart. Dumas went on to say, “when the economy goes in the shitter, men drink large quantities of whiskey and beat the shit out their wives, especially poor white trailer trash in the Midwest, it’s a scientific fact. As leaders in the business, we are prepared to be innovative and
convenient for our customers.” The drive-thru service will be a big convenience to already inebriated consumers who don’t have the stamina and coordination to get out of the car and walk into the store. An old Indian gentleman will be waiting at the end of the drive-thru to mark your windshield with a black Sharpie to deter shoplifters. Behind him will be a big gangsta’ named d-RUP to take a sample of your purchase to ensure quality. Behind him will be a cop to arrest you for being a horrible person. The final decision
came when the locator microchip of a Wal-mart employee completely “tarded out” and left the employee free to escape. He found his way into a nearby Costco and discovered the liquor aisle and went to town on the Dewar’s scotch whiskey. After Wal-mart mercenaries found and killed the stray employee, they brought it to the attention of the upper management that rival stores sold liquor. As an introductory offer, America’s Choice generic wines and Whiskey are only $2.99 per 16 oz bottle while 3-gallon jugs of vodka are only 12.99.
On sale soon are lots of crappy alcohol related things that are really cheap but impractical to use; they’ll probably still be sitting in your closet a year from now. When asked about the deceased employee,
Dumas quickly enslaved all the journalists in the room and forced them to work in Wal-mart for an unspecified amount of time. We’re still trapped here... Seriously, send help.
THE MEDIUM
CAL EN EDITOR IN CHIEF
Gary Klimowicz, the beloved Business Manager of the Medium, has just died of a massive dick attack at approximately 12:45 AM Tuesday morning. He was 21 and primarily lived in Nepal, with a secondary residence in Hell. Gary was the senior-most of all members of the Medium, and as such wielded considerable influence. His parting has created a power vacuum which is rapidly being filled by the former Arts Editor, who is currently Editor-in-Chief. Gary was known for being irate, a side effect of his long tenure as Business
FEATURES
Wednesday, April 29th, 2009
“A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa.”
Manager of The Medium. In fact, the writer of the popular “Guess Gwhat Grinds Gary’s Gears” column’s greatest inspiration, his unending rage, was also what did him in, as his stress-induced lifestyle caused the arterial build-up that begat his dick attack. This is not his first dick attack, but this is the first one that has killed him. Doctors say that a dangerously large amount of activity caused bits of arterial plaque to plug up his dick and he was unable to be resuscitated by emergency workers and he was pronounced dead upon arrival to St. Peter’s Hospital. Besides this, Klimowicz was well known for
having unveiled the “We Will Actually do Real Work Around Here” plan, which he spearheaded by doing actual work around here. This was not a welcome development in the minds of most editors. In fact, due to this he butted heads with staff members that refused to get work done on time or at all. There were no survivors. he In addition to his business-accessories, enjoyment of business and also enjoyed playing vin-
tage video games on his Playstation 2, referred to by onlookers as “a relic from an ancient age” and hunting tauntaun on the ice planet of Hoth. And because he was a devoted Catholic, he got to go to Heaven, where he’s kickin’ it old-school with Je-
In Honor of Gary, we at the Medium hacked into his Facebook account so that we can let you know just a little more about him Five People that I would let kiss the tip of my Penis
Morgan Freeman
Bat Boy
Rosie O’Donnell
Bender
Tyler Perry
Things that make me Laugh
Abortion
Natural Disasters
The Mormon Faith
Darfur
After I leave the Medium, the jobs that I want
Prison Clown
Professional Whistler
Black Bartender
Hot Dogger
Tyler Perry
FEATURES
Wednesday,April 29th, 2009
“If people wanted your unsolicited advice, they’d ask for it.”
THE MEDIUM
The Pioneer of Flavour Presents: The News
In shocking news, Angelina Jolie did not adopt anyone today; Britney Spears is poised to have a major comeback this year,
confusing the world, which was not aware that she had gone anywhere; Jennifer Aniston may or may not be having secret phone sex with Brad Pitt. Oh yeah, and the economy has been kind of sucky as of late. Darnit.
Fashion What’s hot Designers all over the world have picked up on the lousy economy and turned it into a fashion statement. Yes dear readers, the hot new look this season, as coined by fashion critics, is: “the poor look”. So what does this trend consist of? Well, it’s all about looking like you don’t have enough money to put food on the table or dress properly. So the first thing you should do is starve – the resulting emaciated look will fit right in. Next, go out and buy yourself some designer threads – major labels such as Chanel, Gucci, Prada, Dolce and Gabbana, and more have all tuned in to this season’s look and are churning out quality ‘poor’ clothing. But do not worry – we know that in these tough economic times, it can be hard to find the money to go out and buy fashionable threads. That’s why many designers have been offering up premium clothes and accessories at bargain prices. That’s right dear readers: you can now look poor without breaking the bank! Check out this gorgeous bag by up-and-coming designer, Flavourful:
This design looks like a garbage bag, feels like a garbage bag, even smells like a garbage bag! – in fact, to the untrained eye, it might just as well be a garbage bag. The “Poor Look” doesn’t get much better than this! Roomy enough to hold all your essentials, such as your makeup, cellphone, and even the occasional leaf or two, this is surely the It Bag of the season. And it can be yours, too! Marked down from 3000 dollars to just a little over 1500, this is a bargain not to be missed! What’s Not
Right now, it’s all about muted tones, like dark greys and browns; bright colors such as blue are so last season. Also, did no one ever tell the sky that one should never wear white after Labor Day ? Looks like someone is in need of some fashion 101. Silly sky. James Van Deer Beek Gives Out Advice Too 1. Don’t follow in the footsteps of James Van Deer Beek. And now, for your weekly dosage of cuteness...
2. Enjoy the moment, because I will never get that back . 3. Ummm...can I get some money...or a movie role...or can I crash at your place?
Debuting next semester, your beloved Pioneer of Flavour will be answering actual questions from actual mignons in her advice column. SO: If you have questions that need answering, answers that need questioning, lives that need analyzing, or if you’re just a famewhore who wants to be featured in the Pioneer of Flavour’s next column, submit it all and more to kwatermelon@gmail.com. PS: Also, if you by any chance know the answer to the philosophical question of true shit, please let us know. Seriously! It’s not helping with the Pioneer of Flavour’s insomnia.
THE MEDIUM
RUTGER
“Reven is familiar with ‘b
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Gentle Readers! How do you do. I am quite pleased with the turnout for this year’s (the first annual) Rutgers Day. We made a booth (wihout permission from The Man, of course) and you hit it up in record numbers (the most yet!). We put out some candy and the kids came out but there were too many witnessess, so we had to let them go. We put up a giant wall and gave out markers and you idiots started writing on it. We said we were going to give out free t-shirts and... well we ran out of t-shirts and there’s a cotton shortage in Uganda now. Thanks a lot assholes. I guess I’m supposed to thank you for coming out in the droves that you did and getting the word out for the Medium but your job is not done yet. Wear those shirts! Product place our product so that people will subconciously wish to plunge their heads into a fresh copy of our paper. Only then can we claim victory. Thanks, Colin Fong Editor-in-Chief
Take a look at the Giant Personals Wall! It’s... it’s beautiful...
Great thanks to our Ediwhore-in-Chief for her helping hand(jobs).
The Medium’s target audience was out in a show of force!
Burniiiing MAN!!!
RS DAY
Wednesday, April 29th 2009
back-door deals’ tee-hee”
LETTER FROM ANOTHER EDITOR Where was I on Rutgers Day? I woke up in my car, told the girl to get the fuck out because I had to get ready, and brushed my teeth with Mountain Dew Code Red and an old Medium back issue I had in my car. Driving over from Busch to College Ave took 2 hours, because I assume all these old fuck Alumni assholes drive 10 miles an hour as they reminisce about how awesome Cook College was. I walk over to a crowd of douchey looking toolbags (you fine Rutgers students) and enough little kids to fill a McDonald’s playpen that’s stuffed with N64’s and candy. As I’m wiping the crust out of my eyes and dragging myself along, I try to look for where the hell the Medium booth is located. After walking around, and hitting on some fine ladies from the RU KSA, I still couldn’t find our shitty little table. So I decide to give up, and walk over to this massive crowd of people, assuming that siamese twins are doing pingpong tricks, because what else could draw such a crowd. To my utter shock, the crowded-ass booth is our very own Medium table! A smile runs across my face as I watch our Arts editor spray paint dozens of t-shirts, emitting countless CFCs into the environment. I didn’t help out or anything, I just walked back to my car, and it took me another 3 hours to get back to my apartment, where I played Dreamcast with my roommate, and ate pizza. Rutgers Day was awesome. P.S. Wear those fucking shirts, lots of trees and birds died for those things.
For some: a t-shirt was not enough.
Mike Vuono What’s Shakin’ Editor
Boy was it buuuusy!
The official Medium robot was on hand to destroy all humans.
Look at this line! It’s ker-azy! And you (may) have missed it!
THE OP/ED MEDIUM A Note from Your Editor, Spicy Caramel
The day before my first final exam, 2009
“You’re on a fucking boat? Well I’m on a fucking BULLDOZER!!!”
Hello fellow Medium readers! This is our last issue of the semester. Yup. That’s right, the very last one. For all of those who are taking summer classes, you’ll have to find some way to go on...sorry. To all of you that are graduating after this semester, I hope you all get those really kickass jobs, and to all of you who are staying for a few more years at this wonderful establishment, well, that sucks for you, and oh yeah...keep sending in your shit! It brings me joy to know that people hate annoying, stupid ass people as much as I do! I also give all of you who came out and saw us at Rutgers Day mad props. I was one of the robots. Seriously, I was. It was as hot as kooch in that fucking thing, but it was worth sticking myself in a super cooker for an hour. Oh and to the blonde chick who posed with me for a picture in that very special suggestive way, you totally gave me a hard on...and I’m not even a dude! See what you’re missing by not being a part of The Medium? I suggest you check it out next semester. Oh and no, we are not a bunch of mouth breathers who watch Battle Star Gallactica all day. Well ok, some of us are, but hey, we could always use some more people because God knows that I most likely won’t be the OP/EDS editor next semester (you can look for me in Personals if I don’t get reelected by a very complicated and secret voting process) I just wanted to say that I’ve had an awesome time reading about your shitty roommates and rasta looking cunt rags who work at the SAC. Anyway, have a great summer and try not to get too baked or eaten alive by those fucking green flies at the garbage dump known as the Jersey Shore! I’m pretty sure they might have cleaned up all the medical waste that was dumped there, but apparently it’s still full of guidos and skanks so, make sure you bring lots of protection! And I’m not talking about sunscreen... Love, Spicy Caramel
Guest Editorial; Skanks are Good for the Enviroment As an unnamed politician, I have spent many a fun night with a fine piece-of-ass. Between the bouts of exhilarating sex, I have had some very in-depth conversations with these individuals (except when they die), mostly because I’m just entertaining that damn female compulsion for post-sex canoodling- but that’s beside the point. The point is that our nation’s skanks may just be our most environmentally-friendly citizens (assuming they are not illegals). What you prudes call “disgusting, indecent clothing” makes a lot of sense environmentally. When you cut corners in coverage, you cut dramatically down on the amount of fabric used to produce clothing. This means we save our natural resources while I get to see more of yours. The Heritage Foundation recently released some stats showing that our nuns use hundreds upon hundreds of feet of fabric making their habits. Damn nuns. That’s a lot of fabric, and I’d rather see a lot
of tits. Also, minimal clothing makes “cents” economically (that’s right kids, I’m hip with the jokes). One could potentially wear the same shirt from the time one is four to the time one is twenty four. So please ladies, take this opportunity during your college years to care about your environment. Next time you see a skank, don’t look upon her with indignation, but rather, a sense of appreciation. -Edward Kennedy, whoops, admits he looks kinda creepy
To the fucking whore on the 3rd floor in Perry, I’m not sure I even had to be that specific- as whore in Rutgers would probably have given it away just as easily. You need no introduction, as I’m sure you know exactly who you are, along with most people attending Rutgers. If you still don’t know who I’m talking about you could probably grab the nearest dictionary and be found under freshmen 15, STDs, or Ripleys Believe It or Nots’ ‘Biggest Mistake Ever Made’. I sincerely apologize if you really think anyone takes you seriously. I thought there was a housing mistake; you shouldn’t be living in Perry, but in the barn barn hehind it! Campus security should be riding you around, because your face looks like a horses ass, but I’m sure you do enough riding of your own. You’ve had more dicks in you than all of the houses on frat row combined.....since Rutgers was founded in 1776! Anyway, stop hooking up with other peoples’ boyfriends, because it generally tends to piss people the fuck off. Normally I would blame the boy that cheats on his girlfriend in these situations, but boys don’t have any chance for escape when dousche bags like you have one shot of alcohol. You become as sloppy as the joes they served in my high school cafeteria. Any guy within inches of you is doomed. You probably don’t know that it’s not a good thing when guys call you easy and ask to put a paper bag over your head while you get fucked. Poor, poor girl. You are not even remotely good looking and you are a waste of this state’s tax money. Oh and for the discretion of everyone at parties, please, im begging you, please stop dancing on poles, because it is more painful to watch than that time YOU MADE OUT WITH YOUR SISTER!
Is it ass crack, or
Euthanasia is Not Right
YOU EVEN CARE?????
Well, Not Right Now Anyway
boobie crack? DO
By Jessica Simpson
Yet another shitty roommate... To my ex-roommate, I fucking hate you. You hate everything, which caused me to hate you, and I am a very happy person. Your natural dark and negative disposition combined with your inability to wake before the sun sets, is the reason why you failed intermediate algebra; a class Rutgers wouldn’t give you credit for in the first place because it is so easy: you fucking douche bag. The way you used to grunt at me at 5 PM for making the slightest fucking noise before I went to the gym while you continued to sleep in our cave of a room is the reason no one will fuck you. You already have a stick up your ass I don’t think you can fit much more. And no, your secrets not safe with me. I read your pathetic fucking diary. Grow the fuck up and stop writing down the names of every boy you kiss. You are in COLLEGE. I decoded your tricky little symbols next the names. It’s clear you are an easy want-to-be whore. Except I noticed there was never more than one of the same symbols next to a
More Floormate Hate! YAY!
name, hmm, ah I got it! No one will touch you twice you fat fucking slob. No one wants you. Not even your own fucking parents can stand you. You live ten minutes from campus and they spent ten thousand fucking dollars so they don’t have to see you everyday. You are the reason your mom needs that certain prescription, so maybe you should stop stealing them from her. Then maybe she can survive Christmas break next year without throwing your fat assout AGAIN. You dumb shit. Oh yeah, about your bubbler? I threw it out; O-U-T out! in the second floor trash can. The black whole you imagined in our room that was taking all of your precious shit away from you wasn’t there (it was me). I am not sorry you hit your fat head looking under your bed, or that it made you cry like little bitch. You cry every fucking day anyway. So go do something good for all of us and drown yourself in your tears you fat fucking CUNT!
Ok, yeah that’s definitely a problem, because like, China for example has thousands of kids. Probably billions, you know, and it just pains me to hear about how so many unwanted children over there are being put up for adoption, you know. Like, they obviously can’t handle any more kids over there right now. Give those women birth control pills, I mean seriously, there’s absolutely no stigma to using them— they just make you kinda fat but I just compensate by not eating. I mean, soon enough they’re gonna start putting these kids to work in factories—not like that’s a problem for me, my edible lubricant line is sweat-shop free, they TOLD me so. Ok, why the hell are you looking at me like that, you asked me about youth in Asia. OH...myy god what is wrong with you? Like serriouslyyyy.
THE MEDIUM
ARTS
Wednesday April 29th, 2009
“Wear the free Medium t-shirt that I made and get a free blowjob!”
by Mirco F-150 by Russian Mail-Order Bride
WOW.
Two consecutive pictures highlighting another moment in your life that you will never remember.
The Greatest of the Greatest Facebook Picture:
Simply AMAZING. I mean there are just so many questions that come to mind... +Is that chick blowing a girl in a fat suit? +What the hell is that girl in the background doing? +And more importantly, WHY ARE YOU NAKED? +Do you even know that you’re naked? +Why are you the only one naked? +You’re not even in the center of the picture, how could the point of this picture not be to highlight the fact that YOU’RE NAKED?! And really, what fuck are these girls doing? The three wise monkeys: Drunk sorority style... +Blow some dude + Get ass fucked by some dude +See some dude naked. Medium secret: All but one of the facebook submissions that were published this semester came from the same girl’s facebook.
THE MEDIUM
(Cram time folks! That means I’m cramming in as many of your personals as possible, so...if you feel cheated because their aint any pictures, you full o’ shit cuz we got a fuckin Academic INTEGRITY Policy here. ) To all you Brower hotties, We would like to thank you all for the endless hours of entertainment your rockin’ bodies supply while we eat. Without you Brower would feel cold and empty. As the weather gets warmer we would like to encourage the use of mini skirts, tank tops, and going commando. Also please learn to enjoy the slow motion consumption of dick-shaped foods. If you happen to catch us gawking at those softies resting on your chest or that amazing gravity defying bottom, please don’t take offense, it’s a compliment.
That being said, we’d like to honor the Top 5 girls of Brower Commons (you know who you are): 1)Green Hat 2)Sweet Cheeks 3)Anti-Gravity Ass 4)Anti-Gravity Ass’ friend and last but not least... 5)Mama Brower And a very special thanks to Black Beauties(SoLows) everywhere. s i n c e r e l y , The 66 Clubhouse (Brower sucks. Ass. Note how almost all these people have “ass” or a varient of it in their name. I know, it’s fuckin PROFOUND man!)
PERSONALS “Filth is Last night, I was so drunk that I walked into this one girl’s room, pissed all over her bed while she was sleeping, and left before she woke up. She doesn’t even know I did it, and now tomorrow night, we’re going out for dinner, SCORE!!! Last night, some dude walked into my room, and pissed all over me. It was GREAT! 30 seconds of bliss. And now tomorrow night, we’re going out for dinner. He doesn’t think I know that he did it, he’ll be so surprised. Hope he’s also turned on by two girls and one cup, I just can’t seem to find any other coprophagiacs here in Rutgers. (WHAT THE SEXYHELL is WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! What next?! I KNOW, rumble rumble, here comes the dude on the motorcycle, crashing through the walls of the production room, time for a MUSICAL INTERLUDE! “You bring your knees in tight! But it’s the pelvic thrust! That really drives you insane! Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s dooo the Time Warp agaaaaain!” AH HA HA!!!) Dearest my twin in tinsley second floor. Let’s smoke 2night! Love ya! (There’s something about your craptastic personal that makes me want to become violent. Least I think it’s your personal, might just be me being a f e m a l e )
To that fucking douche in 3rd To the guy in my dorm floor New Gibbons A-L aka building that just HAS to “XXXXX”. Fuck you. No talk on the phone in the one likes you. Sorry to hallway: PLEASE go in burst your ego inflated bubyour room, no one wants ble. Take your “know it all” to listen to you talking to personality and shove it your mom about what you up your ass. Then eat it ate for dinner and your fake plans to meet up with To the moron with the friends from home. Your faggoty white macbook obnoxious voice just gives in jewish culture and me a headache. i’m sorry society who won’t shut you have no friends and the fuck up, stop asking have to go into the hall- retarded questions about unway in order for people to necessary shit. Why do you see you. have to take everything so literally you fuckDave is more Will ing idiot. everyone’s ears Smith than Will Smith bleed when you open Nada surf was right!!! your stupid ass mouth.
my politics. Filth is Dearest Tramp-cunts, I want to thank you for making second semester hell for me! One of you is the ugly one (that’s how I refer to you anyway) and the other is just a bitch. Thank Christ I’m moving away from you both because I’m pretty sure another few months would make me jump off this very building. Slap me with silence, I’ll give you noisy t o m f o o l e r y . (The only thing that made reading that worth anyone’s time was the use of the word “tomfoolery.”) To Michael, your name is so generic. You too John, or Jonathon or whatever the hell your variant spelling is... To the douchebag who wrote about to the handicapped woman last week, you have no soul. You don’t deserve to walk. To my boss, I think you are the reason why everyone hates public saftey To the disgusting STD ridden whore with the nails on 3rd floor Gibbons B2. Try not to be such a sloppy bitch at parties. Sorry to tell you, but guys get with you because you’re easy. Cuz you sure aren’t attractive. Get rid of your kangaroo pouch and thunder thighs before you dress like a skank again To the hussy who’s attempt to stomp the blown up wine bag landed her hard on her tailbone Saturday night in the Newells: Thank you for the entertainment, come over my place I have somethings for you to fall off o f . Fatties, its ok that you want to look cute like people thinner than you. But do us a favor and wear clothes that actually fit. It makes no damn sense to see your thighs and bellies gaping from cotton at the brink of tearing, all because you think (skin is in) when most certainly it is not To the built blonde guy running down union st. Saturday in his swim trunks, you are why I love union st.
The Day the Clown Cried...because I punched him in the head!, 2009
my life!” To the fat bitch on the fourth floor of Allen. Stop taking such massive shits.... honestly its fucking disgusting.. The bathroom is for all the girls yet your rank ass shits clear everyone out for an hour. And we all know its you, so either stop eating so much you fat bitch or wait until 5am when we are already asleep To the jerk living in Gibbons AL: smoking cigarettes inside and talking about how big your cock is DOES NOT make you cool!!!! When did walking around the fucking hallway with a cigarette in your mouth qualify you as sexy? Furthermore, what made you think that anyone besides your own girlfriend would want to fuck you? As for my girl friends who heard you bragging about your cock, NOT IMPRESSIVE. If anything, you offended them by showing how small you are!! And I can care less about how fucking “big” your penis size is. Seriously?! Please, do us all a favor and shut the fuck up. Besides, I think I can speak for most of the female population when I say that we like a man who has the ability to get us off without using their cocks. Now THAT’S talent!
Let’s do theTime Warp again! Let’s do the TIME WARP AGAIN!!!
To the sorority chick on floor 1 in Perry Hall, you are a crazy jew bitch. The Israelis should use you to torture palestinians because no Palestinian would want to deal with your ugliness or your saliva infested voice. You talk like you have a dick in your mouth. (You would know, because that dick in her mouth is you) To the guy emitting alarming shrieks from the inside of a house on union st. Saturday, you are why I am afraid of union st. You people write too many long-ass personals, seriously, c’mon naw
To the Montgomery Township Police Department, You are welcome. Because without me, i know there would be no metaphorical “chest” for you guys to defecate all over. The chests of my drunk friends simply would not suffice. I understand that when you saw a sober kid who was just in court four days prior and paid $300 in fines for underage drinking you just could not resist y o u r s e l v e s . With Much Love, The sober kid you gave a court summons to, for “Public Littering” To the cute medium writer who asked me about The Medium, I would totally cheat on my boyfriend to bang you. Thanks! (Well, I’m the only cute one around here, but I is not male, so you must be referring to our Abercrombie model we’ve hired for P.R. ) To the ugly bitch in allen 4, you fuckin look pregnant and you are NOT the hot shit. please wear more clothing cause no one wants to see your fat. thanks and i know you read this (Can I perhaps refer you to our op/eds page...?) To the fat dude Monday morning at Neilson who was not eating anything but after staring off into space for ten minutes took a brief break laugh-attacklike a maniac, splutter the coffee he took a sip from, and then continue the stare of vacuousness, I think I’ll be having breakfast in my room for a while, I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with you. (I think you may have gotten laid) To the woman who stopped at Harvest Moon on Sunday to get a few drinks while leaving her four year old out front to climb up the light post on George St, you prove that Child Protection services should focus on yuppies and not the poor. (And now, boys and ladies, for my end of the year speech: I...fuck it)
Wednesday, 29 aPrIl 2009
PERSONALS
“In the time it took you to read this page, 3,000 children died from hunger. Is that awesome or what?”
THE MEDIUM
LAST PAGE OF PERSONALS FOREVER! (JUST KIDDING, RETARDS.)
To the Rugby team: Ok Ill admit most of you are pretty hot and ive slept with like three of you already but enough is enough. GETJUNGLE JUICE. my friends and I are sick of going there and drinking your cheap beer. my friends and i are not coming to your parties and not fucking anymore of you unless you get something other than natty ice. ps: the no pants party was awesome Texas - why don’t you just secede already? you know why you won’t? - because you’re all a bunch of pussies. threaten that shit all you want, but at the end of the day you’re all talk. do the rest of the country a favor and rid it of it’s sibling-fucking dipshits. with love, NJ (I couldn’t agree more.) Texans are retarded. “everything’s bigger in Texas!” - yeah, unless you’re in Alaska, which can fit 3 Texas’ in it you shit-eating morons. you really think you’re capable of running your own country? maybe, but with the same efficiency as Mexico of which you’re just an extension. we don’t need oil from turd cutting sphincters so fuck you because we’re going green. (...Ok, maybe I could.) to the ambitious and incredibly well written young man responsible for exposing the many hardships and superiority of greek life in the biweekly “Frat Forum” - thank you. SIKE! you’re a fuckin delusional rat bastard who has taken one too many cocks to the face man. I hope you’re graduating or die or something. (Seems like this asshole in the Targum opened a real can of worms. Sucker.) To that guy wearing that ridiculous chain that looks like a musical note. Please get the hell out of here. You’re not the shit, you try to look and act like you’re rich, and you only hang out with ugly black girls who only like you because to them, you are their gay best friend.
as another year comes to a close, I’d like to thank all the fraternities for another great year filled with assfucking belligerent douche bags and for fostering a community where gays can openly assemble without persecution. I’d also like to thank the sororities for making it a hell of a lot easier to find all the skanky, stuck-up crack whores who will do anything for a dollar. without you gals I’d be a lot lonelier. (So, by that standard, without said skanks, you’d be on 24 hour lockdown?) To all the big strong black men at Rutgers: I just got out of a long relationship, and I’m on the prowl for a new gay lover. Before you go on I’m looking for 8 inches minimum (sorry to all you small guys out there). I need a man who likes to play around and you better not mind getting your hands (and mouth and tongue) dirty. Don’t fret I’m not a little twink, I’d say I’m a power bottom and will give you the best ride of your life! I’m into big facials, tea bagging, skull fucking, and rusty trombones. I love to go to the gym and get all sweaty for my guy. I’m into the best rap music, and smoke an cigarette with my asshole. If you’re interested please contact me. -Brendan P.S. I love to swallow To that ugly skank in the short skirt that was at McDonald’s on saturday, thank god you did not bend down because if you did your cellulite covered ass would have been on display and make everyone vomit. Hell you could have scarred the little kids giving them nightmares of a disfigured ass monster chasing them. BTW soliciting for sex at McDonald’s at 11 in the morning really says something about your standards To my roommates, will you two seriously shut the fuck up? You aren’t dogs, not mamas (or are you...?). Please, for the love of god stop.
Last night, I was so drunk that I walked into this one girl’s room, pissed all over her bed while she was sleeping, and left before she woke up. She doesn’t even know I did it, and now tomorrow night, we’re going out for dinner, SCORE!!! Last night, some dude walked into my room, and pissed all over me. It was GREAT! 30 seconds of bliss. And now tomorrow night, we’re going out for dinner. He doesn’t think I know that he did it, he’ll be so surprised. Hope he’s also turned on by two girls and one cup, I just can’t seem to find any other coprophagiacs here in Rutgers. (Try Alpha Epsilon Pi, I heard there’s some there.) To my dirty ass roommate who never cleans his side of the room, I cant even bear to be in my own fuckin room because of you. CLEAN UR SHIT UP. YOU SPEND A WHOLE ENTIRE DAY GETTING YOUR FUCKIN AIRFORCE UNIFORM READY for training and you cant even clean your side of the room. FUCK YOU and WHAT DO YOU DO ON YOUR COMPUTER THE WHOLE DAY, i would like to kno... or maybe not... To the Busch Dining hall, thank you for picking up my stoned as hell roommate when he passed out in the pastsa line on 4/20. He had two hash brownies and smoked a bunch of joints and was out of his mind. We are still laughing. -stoned as hell kid’s roomate President McCormick aka Dick ‘penis breath’ McCormick - fuck you, fuck you very much. To the kid who wrote “I’m a cucumber” in the all-personals issue: what’s the scouter say about his power level? To the brown-nosing asshole in Greek Christianity: only 3 more classes left of having to put up with your shit. You have no idea how relieved we are for that.
To the asshole fagnut that is hated by his own frat(skull) that he just crossed into. I mean if your frat hates you there’s no hope for you. Even the floor of Lippincott you live on hates you and even the whole building hates you because you are a toolbag!!!! (But if fraternities turn away asshole fagnut toolbags, who will they accept?) To the big asian kid in Lippincott. YOU ARE THE BIGGEST TOOLBAG. NOBODY LIKES YOU THEY JUST USE YOU. YOU’RE TRYING TO CLIMB THE “SOCIAL” LADDER BUT YOU REALLY CAN’T BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO FAT!!! To the creepy ass mufucka on my floor in Lippincott. I know you like those two roommates down the hall but you have no chance cause you creep the shit out of people you should join that other creepy ass asian kid on the floor and fuckin stalk girls or some shit!!! To the annoying bitches in Lippincott. Stop saying “sure thing” in every sentence. It’s not cool. You all sound like Barney show rejects. hey dickhead from lippincott, no one likes you at all, we put shaving cream all over your gay blue audi. I really hope the paint comes off tomorrow in the 90 degree weather. Its not cool that you’re in the glee club, or that you’re in a frat. Oh one more thing, stop claiming that you got mono from hooking up with too many girls, we all know that no girl would hook up with you ever. Fuck you d i c k h e a d . (Oh, and by the way, to everyone in Lippncott: Thanks for so god damn much material this year, you have to be the most dysfunctional dorm I’ve ever fucking heard of. It’s been an awesome year :-)) You’re a gay fish, a motherfucking gay fish. You’re a gay fish, having sex with other gay fish. Kanye is a fucking faggot.
To the indian possey who dropped a tray in the busch dining hall and left napkins and a broken bowl on the floor: PICK IT THE FUCK UP. DONT FUCKING GIGGLE AND SCURRY AWAY, CLEAN THE FUCK UP AFTER YOURSELF. dearest bulldog you are a manipulating asshole. but i must applaud you on your ability to make other people believe your lies, i hope it will come back and bite you in the ass one day. until then suck it. To the Asian kid at Lippincott...why the fuck do you look in the window at 4 in the morning and dance everyday...you FUCKING IDIOT..you’re not c o o l ! ! To the guy who wrote to the personals last week complaining about how Fiji water just tastes like water, you are a stupid twat. What did you expect you refferred to the company as Fiji WATER and said you $4 for their WATER, and then you expect some amazing fountain of youth elixir... you f a i l . To my asain friend I love you but lock your fucking door when your getting a hand job from your girlfriend and are naked in bed no one wants to see you both all over each other 24/7 its disturbing and when she calls you baby it makes me want to puke so fix that shit with your tiny dick and all (Are you just jealous he’s getting more ass than you?) To my roommate who was too much of a pussy to smoke with me on 4-20, the epic of holidays: you’re a whore and im gonna box our ENTIRE room so you get high from second hand weed. I hate summer because it makes my shits smell so much worse And that’s the LAST of Personals for the year. See you assholes in the Fall! At least those of you who were lucky enough not to graduate this year.
THE FREE PORN? Wednesday, April XXIX, MMIX MEDIUM What’s Not Shakin’? What’s Shakin’? “What’s Shakin’?”
5/1 @ Rutgers University - Your girlfriend/boyfriend breaks up with you because you got too fat this year from too much partying and/or being depressed because you didn’t realize that college was so boring and that no one really gives a shit about meeting fun new people, they just want to drink and try to hook up and even that one guy/girl you met and hung out with a few times doesn’t really care if you die tomorrow. At least you aren’t in a frat, though.
A Public Service Announcement by Apostroshe
Many students have observed that the Brower Dining Hall looks remarkably like a jail. Until recently Rutgers University has denied these accusations. Two days ago documents were discovered revealing that Brower was originally used to house high security prisoners as part of a larger prison complex that was leveled due to lack of funding, and the prisoners were released. For years unexplained supernatural occurences have been recorded. Earlier this semester no less than seven freshman males were lured into the dark space beneath the entrance ramp by scrumptious looking pastries. These young men have no memory of the following minutes, but had reported sore asses and loss of libido for the following 24-48 hours. Rutgers University, in response to the scared male student body, has hired local religious leaders to perform an exorcism over the summer months. Until the exorcism, males are encouraged to travel with hot girls; they seem to counteract the ghostly effects. Rutgers has also issued a statement encouraging female students to reveal their cleavage and don mini-skirts in an effort to protect the male population.
5/12 @ Busch Campus - I will drive as fast as I possibly can out of my parking lot and onto the highway, as “Horse the Band” blasts through my speakers and ruptures my eardrums. I will have undoubtedly forgotten something in my apartment, but who cares, I cannot wait to get the fuck out of here. 5/20 @ NYC - Special showing of all three Lord of the Rings movies in a row, with food before and after all viewings. This is every nerds ultimate fantasy that does not involve cosplay. 7/4 @ America - We celebrate our Independence Day by shooting off illegal fireworks and eating lots of hotdogs and hamburgers. This is also Captain America’s birthday, so please don’t forget to buy him a cake and at least get him a card. He likes ice-cream cake; the kind that has both chocolate and vanilla. If you can somehow find strawberry though, go with that. It’s his secret favorite. 7/15 @ Planet Earf - College kids across America sigh collectively as they actually find themselves wanting to return to school, effectively murdering any form of their inner child that still remained. Seriously, around this time all you little bitches are gonna be like “Man I can’t wait to get back to school,” and it doesn’t make any fucking sense. If you’re bored over summer, you’re boring. 9/1 @ Rutgers University - School starts again. Way to go, assholes.
Micro F-150...Here To Stay?
As many of you know, Micro F-150, the up and coming comic artist, has basically been featured every week in the Arts section of the Medium. What most people don’t realize is that said artist has actually been picked up to do the inking on Image Comics. Mr. F-150 and myself had a nice long conversation about viable options, since if he turns down this offer he’ll probably never get into “the biz” as he gayly called it. Micro F-150: Dude, I dunno. They wanna pay me five grand a month to just ink the comics. I think I should take it. Cocktopus: Bro, dude, come on broseph, we need you. That whore who does the Arts has nothing to publish each week. Micro: Yea but dude, they said after a year I can make my own comic that’ll have a guaranteed 3 issue run, and more if it’s popular. Cock: Really? Wow that’s pretty sweet. Micro: Yea, and I think you should write them out, and I’ll draw them. We’d make a good team. Cock: Really? Wow man. Yea, fuck the Medium, let’s go make comics and party every day. ...See you fuckers in hell, I quit! (See ya next year, bitches. Love, The Cocktopus. P.S. Stay tuned for Micro F-150 comics on THIS page!)