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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xli Issue xxiV
50¢
April 27th, 2011
QUICKIES
SAFE-T
UNIVERSITY MOBILIZES NATIONAL GUARD FOR RUTGERS DAY
Obama Proves Birthers Wrong; Gives Birth to Healthy Baby Boy
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
COLLEGE AVE—The University’s administration are taking nothing for granted as they have called upon Governor Christie to deploy the 21st New Jersey National Guard Armored Infantry unit to New Brunswick in anticipation of catastrophic destruction wrought by Rutgers Day. Learning their lesson from the lack of security achieved by only putting 40 more police officers on duty during the disastrous Rutgersfest event, the Board of Governors voted unanimously to activate a full fledged military force to ensure the safety of students. “The National Guard has been trained to handle this exact situation,” said Jim Howard, Chairman of the Board of Governors. “Well, this exact situation in a war-torn Middle Eastern nation but I mean, we should treat it the same way.” The 21st Armored is equipped with state of the art tactical weapons which include M-4 Carbine Rifles, 105mm self propelled Howitzer Cannons, advanced laser targeted smart cluster bombs, and 20 M-1 Abrams battle tanks. These tools are the most technologi-
Class discusses anything humanly possible to keep professor from covering more material before final
RED HAWK DOWN
A special task force will be employed to hunt down people wearing puffy vests.
cally advanced weapons available to any armed force in the world and the soldiers are well prepared to use them. Colonel Hank “Hawk” Martin, the 21st’s commanding officer, detailed a scenario in which the Armored Infantry would need a precise response. “Let’s say for example that a person is drunkenly yelling at another student on a porch. We would immediately deploy our MQ-1 Predator UAV to recon-
noiter the area. Then, Tactical Elements A, B and C will flank the offending student while Element D provides supporting fire from their HUMVEEs. It is at that point that the suspect will be painted with a laser, which allows for a precise deployment of a Tomahawk cruise missile that will neutralize any hostilities in the area. On to the next threat.”
Rutgers Group Institutes First "Casual Friday" for Charity "Fuck, who's actually participating in this?!" said junior Alex Greene as he stood in the middle of Voorhees Mall. "Everyone's in fucking casual wear. You there, did you sign up for casual...no. Damn. Excuse me, young woman in the ripped trash jeans!"
WEATHER TODAY Mold Spores! Everywhere! All eagerly flying up your nose!
Continued, “GUARD” page 2
EXPLORIN'
GEOGRAPHY DEPT. PLANS EXPEDITION TO COOK/DOUGLASS BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
LIVINGSTON—The Geography Department has made many journeys throughout the world, exploring places such as the icecaps of Greenland and the rainforests of Mexico. But this week they've decided to explore the most mysterious place ever, a land known only to outsiders as “Cooke/Douglase”. Nobody knows much about this void on the maps by Route 1. But as the years have passed, more and more are in complete wonderment about this area. The department is planning a long, long voyage of 10 min-
utes from home base in Lucy Stone to the Passion Puddle, stopping for a brief bite at the Park Deli or perhaps at Brower Commons. “The goal we have is simple," stated Department chair David Robinson, "We want to map every little detail, learning as much as we can about this area. Why are there no guys in the Douglass portion of campus? Why is there so much green space in Cook? And What the hell is the point of Corwin? “ The journey won't be one without danger. “We've heard rumors about the hazards in the
area, like 30 foot tall lesbians, flesh eating hicks, and smelly cows,” noted Professor John Stockton. "We’re not fearful though. Not after the Busch project. Despite hiring Engineers to protect us, we were attacked by Pharmacy Barbarians, killing two grad students. We don’t care though because they’re just grad students." Still, precautions have been made. The department has wrapped the very British professor everyone loves in bubble wrap to make sure nothing happens to him.
Summer is soon...
ESTABLISHED 1970
TOMORROW Tiny floral scented fireballs in your sinuses!
FRIDAY
Pollen covered bumblebee. Someone get the EpiPen and shoot me up now!
SATURDAY Get out of the flowers lady! Don't frolic in that which wishes to tear-gas your eyeballs!!