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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY*
September 11th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE XXI POP-AND-LOCK DOWN YOUR BABY DADDY
QUICKIES
NIGERIAN PRINCE CALLS RUTGERS, “A SCAM!” ICKY VICKY POPPIN' SINCE 1998
NEW BRUNSWICK---Rutgers University caught flak from students and faculty for accepting more students than the state university is built for. While Jerseyites feel this is on par for the state’s terrible infrastructure, many out-of-state students are alarmed by the lack of busses, cramped classrooms, and tsunami of freshmen yelling about how they got accepted to a better college but had to be closer to home. While Rutgers has been, famously, screwing students over for years, things are especially dire now. Students are not receiving money for a majority of Rutgers related services. There is a campus-wide delay on refund checks, with students displeased that they couldn’t spend the money on drugs and alcohol during sylli week.
Eight Months Until Barchi Steps down as Chancellor Butt of Joke Very Sore Still Awkward Publishing on 9/11
POP IT! TWIST IT! BOIOIOIOIOIOING
The College Ave party scene— the cultural touchstone of the University— has been hit hard with this setback; frats and sororities are experiencing a 5 percent decline in “fresh-meat” freshman showing up at their doors. One graduate student has not
recieved his grant money yet, with him angrily excaliming, “Fuck Rutgers!” All this turmoil has caught the attention of one infamous celebrity, the Nigerian Prince. Known for his spam emails that claim that he is out of money, but promising incredible Continued on Page 2
THAT'S ~MY~ ARTHOUSE FILM MOMMY!
GOFUNDME CAMPAIGN FOR 300FT IRON MAN STATUE MEETS GOAL RICHARD HERTZ NEEDS TO SEE A DOCTOR
LOS ANGELES---Avengers Endgame spoiler ahead; sorry to the readers who have yet to see the titular release, but if you have not seen it yet are you really a fan? Following the blockbuster debut of Avenger’s Endgame in April, Marvel lovers everywhere have been coming to terms with the loss of their beloved hero: Tony “Iron Man” Stark. Iron Heads, as the fandom is called, have been grieving in a number of different ways that have been described “bizarre and sad” by overworked grief counselors. To honor the fallen hero a campaign started by GoFundMe user “ToniStaaark420” posted plans
50¢
FROM KID WHO'S FOUR TO FOR-GOTTEN ADULT MAN Each day in prison he learns some more
to build a three hundred foot tall statue, directly behind the Statue of Liberty. The plans harkening back to the character’s long history
based in New York City, and serves as a sort of new new colossus for the post-modern era. The goal for the monument was 10 million dollars, Continued on Page 2
KICKIN' IT APA STYLE Since 1970
The Medium Will See a Reduction in Antisemitic Jokes Due to a Decline Freshman Convinved He's the Coolest for Coming to RutgersBusiness Student is Default Daddy of Friend Group Kenneth Cop Gets Pass from Anti-Blue Recent Zoological Study Shows That Your Dog is Still Standing at the Door