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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
Feb. 13th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE IV 50¢ RITE OR WRONG OF PASSAGE
GIRLS ACROSS THE COUNTRY YEARN FOR BETTER RITE OF PASSAGE THAN SEXUAL ASSAULT NIFTY KNITTER STILL ON THE SAME SCARF
NEW BRUNSWICK — Trump is president, priests molest kids and rape culture is the culture in which we live. Amidst all of this, young boys and girls are growing up believing this is normal. Now sexual assault is the hallmark of a girl’s passage into womanhood. But some young ladies wish for an alternative. “I just want a fun bat mitzvah or quinceañera,” cried Metuchen pre-teen Kelsey Norton. “It’s not fair that to become a woman, all I get to show for it is being groped by my geometry teacher.” On the other side of this cultural phenomenon are the sexual assaulters who deserve recognition for the critical role they play in the development of
THE DESPAIR FACED BY EVERY GIRL WHO JUST WANTS A FUN PARTY This isn't scary or alarming at all!
our nation’s young women. One man leading the charge is Paul Barker of Detroit, a cashier at the local Kroger grocery store. Paul explained what his experience assaulting girls means to him. “You know, I take my role with these girls very seriously.
Every time I assault one, I reflect on the fact that I have definitely and permanently altered the course of their life.” Across the country in Albuquerque, high school freshman Maria López geared up for her coming of age ritual Continued on Page 2
DADDY'S HOME IS KINDA WEIRD, ALSO THERE'S NO WATER
FATHER NATURE STILL HASN’T MOVED OUT OF WEIRD POST-DIVORCE EXOPLANET BOT JOPLIN WANTS TO CHAT WITH YOU
INT'L SPACE STATION — With planetary divorce rates hovering around 40% as of the last census report in 2002, no one was really surprised when Earth’s parents got divorced six years and 276 days ago today. Disappointed and confused maybe, but not surprised. The split certainly took its toll on both parties. A lengthy, emotionally-charged legal separation finally culminated in divorce, leaving Mother Nature with the proverbial lion’s share of the couple’s assets. In addition to keeping the planet the pair bought together after tying the knot and obtaining full
DADDY'S GIVING MOTHER NATURE SOME SPACE Father Nature got a cool condo in a faraway planet and is into yoga now.
custody of all its living creatures, Ms. Nature has been collecting alimony checks monthly per the settlement agreement. Ms. Nature reported she’s doing
very well on her own these days and bears no ill will towards her ex-husband. She did, however, voice concern about his current Continued on Page 2
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