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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
April 27th, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $420.69 CANADIAN GEESE ARE JUST BUSCH GEESE WITH HOCKEY STICKS
RUTGERS UNIVERSITY-NEW BRUNSWICK TO RELOCATE TO NEW BRUNSWICK, CANADA FOR 2022-23 ACADEMIC YEAR BY THE REAL JOURNALIST OH SO VERY REAL
At a press conference Monday, Rutgers University-New Brunswick announced that the university would be relocating from New Brunswick, NJ, to New Brunswick, Canada for the 2022-23 academic year. The departure of Rutgers from New Brunswick, NJ, left Johnson & Johnson and New Brunswick High School vying for supremacy in which institution would run the city and strike fear into its residents. University and government leaders had different reasons for explaining the relocation of the school to the Canadian province. Rutgers University President Johnathan Holloway noted, “Before becoming President of Rutgers, I was Provost of Northwestern University. We were in Evanston, a suburb of Chicago. I could handle
the Chicago crime just fine, but as soon as I got here, I was exposed to the horrors of the Yellow Lot. Right away, I knew this school needed to get the hell out of this current location.” Governor Phil Murphy had a different view, explaining
“Honestly, I don’t know much about Rutgers. I’m a former Goldman Sachs exec, so I only care about the Ivy League schools that I went to, Harvard and UPenn. Anyway, sorry but I have to leave this press conference early. I need to get back to doing important Continued on Page 2
FREEDOM OF SPEECH, BRO
BALD EAGLES REFUSE TO WEAR MASKS DESPITE AVIAN FLU OUTBREAK BY DR. FUDGE CURRENTLY PACKING
The 2022 resurgence of the bird flu has made its way to the bald eagle: America’s most patriotic bird. The epidemic is ravaging the avian community in what is being called the deadliest outbreak in seven years. Still, with 22 million members of the bird-community already dead from this wave, bald eagles have unilaterally refused to wear masks. While there are no explicit American bird laws mandating beak coverings, birds from other countries have flocked to mask-use. However, in a statement released by bald eagle’s Philadelphia-based lawyer, Charlie Kelly, they state, “We will not let science get in the way of our ability to exercise our
constitutional right to do anything we want without consequences”. Despite attempts by the American Red Cross to provide free masks to the community, bald eagles have blatantly flounced the charity by using the donated masks in their nest-making. Red Cross volunteers have also reported being hit with
runny bird shits from above, but police departments have refused to provide forensic analysis, so the shit’s origin remains unconfirmed. This issue has resonated so deeply with avians that the beak-mask question has made its way to the Bird Senate. On Tuesday, Birdie Continued on Page 2
Dreading Finals Since 1970
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