The Medium 11/02/22

NO NUT NOVEMBER INITIATIVES INTRODUCED

BY MR. B. AITER WEARING A CHASTITY CAGE

Past rumors of STI breakouts happening in the university, as well as a 2017 study claiming it as the 2nd most sexually active college in the country, have earned Rutgers the unofficial label: “Slutgers.” This has frustrated members of the administration, particularly President Jonathan Holloway.

In order to curb the use of this label, with the start of November, Holloway has announced No Nut November Initiatives to take place throughout the month, in order to persuade the student body to be less promiscuous. These initiatives include raffle tickets for scholarships ranging from $500 to $2,000 (depending on how long a student lasts), and school swag that says, “Say NO To Nut!” An additional sponsorship from MindGeek has made it so that students who last all 30 days

are rewarded with a full year’s Pornhub Premium subscription. Although many students are excited for the challenge, and that the university is finally spotlighting virgin losers, some feel left out. Mike Stupidfuckingname, an RBS student, said that “Wolf of Wall Street told me that I need to jerk off at least twice a day… and with the recession happening, the stress has

made me double those numbers.”

A student in Computer Science said that, “I don’t get any play, but it’s still personally impossible. Everytime I complete a coding assignment, the satisfaction causes me to involuntarily orgasm.” Most seemed pleased, however, with a Communications major revealing that it would finally bring difficulty

Elon Musk Plugs Tesla Employees Into Twitter

Luiz Inácio

da Silva Doesn't Take L In Elections

Cure For Social Anxiety Discovered: Cocaine

2

HALLOWEEN HAS PASSED BUT THE NEED FOR BLOOD REMAINS

BY ARI GOTTESMAN PERSONALS EDITOR

(At the end of this article you can find a QR code to sign up for a blood drive at the Livingston Student Center from 11:30 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. on Monday, November 7th! All registered donors will receive snacks and a Rutgers Cinema ticket.)

On October 21st, New Jersey Blood Services announced that we’re in a blood emergency as supplies of donated blood have run low across the state and many parts of the country. This is the fifth such emergency that has been announced since the start of the year. But what is blood? Most people will tell you it’s the spookiest liquid. How often has a scary story or haunted house

revolved around that unsettling scarlet syrup? Yet as the season of scares winds down, it’s important to remember that blood isn’t just a trope used by bad horror authors to tell you what you’re reading is “actually scary for real." It’s actually a vital resource our body uses to keep us alive. We at The Medium

were just as shocked as you to learn that blood is a real thing. Not only that, apparently we all have it. Even Craig. But if we all have blood, why do we need to donate? Some people don’t have enough. In fact, 1 in 3 people will need a blood transfusion at some point in their

Honors College Student Goes Full Day Without Saying They're In Honors College

This Spinning Blue Bitch Is A Fucking Hellhole Sometimes

Liz Truss Beats UK PM Speedrun Record (Any%)

Joe Biden: "AOAEOAEOAEO AEOAEOAEOAEO JOHNMADDEN!"

"Weather Forecast (11/2 - 11/9): Once Again, Cold As Balls."

NO PISTACHIOS EITHER, UNFORTUNATELY

to his school work.

In the email announcing these initiatives, the President detailed his justifications for doing so. “Students will rawdog anywhere, because why is there a report showing the average bus, the ENTIRE bus (including the outside), is 72% covered in DNA?” He also introduced new policies to punish students for being too active. “I will be locking off Passion Puddle, because frankly, we have too much passion. That will be our new horny jail for those of you clapping too much ass.” Holloway also understands the need for resources to help with these measures: “Sigmas use r/ nofap: That’s reddit.com/r/nofap

When reached out for a comment regarding the enforcement methods, as well as the misogynist focus on males, the President explained: “Cameras will be installed in every dorm and bathroom, I’m 1984-ing this bitch. Male focus is a non-issue because the female orgasm

themedium.submissions@gmail.com

FOR REAL, CONSIDER DONATING SOME BLOOD

lives according to NYBC.

But like that takeout you got that you’re totally gonna finish one of these days, blood supplies are perishable. Normally a healthy reserve combined with steady donations would be enough to maintain a supply, but the downtick in donations due to COVID-19 has bled our reserves dry (pun intended). Thankfully, everyday people like us can help combat this crisis. Giving blood is safe and easy. Anyone can do it. Even Craig!

But where can I give blood?

The Medium is partnering with New Jersey Blood Services for a blood drive on Monday, November 7th in Livingston

Hall B of the Livingston Student Center from 11:30 am to 4:00 pm. Registered donors will be given snacks and a ticket to Rutgers Cinema so they can go see such hit movies as “_____.” So while you’re waiting for that LX bus that you know is never going to come, why not stop by and help to save a life?

TALK ABOUT SPITTING THAT (RADIOACTIVE) FIRE

BY: NICKY ZEEEEEEE DYING OF RADIATION POISONING

On October 31st, drill rapper and professor at the University of Chicago Chief Keef achieved his goal of blowing up New Jersey. Using hydrogen

bombs he found in his buddy Mike’s garage, he completely leveled the living shit out of the state. There are currently no exact numbers for the number of casualties. However,

estimates range as high as 50 billion people. Environmental and infrastructure damage has been massive. The effects of the blasts have spilled over into neighboring states Pennsylvania and New York. The bombing occurred on the eighth anniversary of Sosa's mixtape Back from the Dead 2, which features the iconic song "Faneto." While not only being an absolute banger, the song contains violent lyrics aimed at the state of New Jersey, such as "Finna go and shoot New Jersey up (Bang, bang, bang, bang)." One of the song's most memorable lyrics is the line, "We gon' come and blow New Jersey up (Bang, bang, bang)". His hatred of the state began in 2014 following a performance in Elizabeth. During the show, a group of men attempted to steal his jewelry. As revenge, he wrote "Faneto" to diss the entire state where the event happened. Most listeners wrote these threats off as typical hip-

hop bravado. After all, how would one go about blowing up an entire state? However, some New Jersey rappers fired back and warned him to never return to the state. This only increased his rage and eventually culminated in his act of terrorism. On November 1st, President Biden held a conference to address the bombings and the state's future. He expressed his desire to revive the state by "...turning it into a parking lot. It's flat now, might as well use it for something." The President's speech eventually evolved into ramblings about the television show The Sopranos, which is set in New Jersey. He commented about the show's leading actor and Jersey native, James Gandolfini, saying, "That Gandolfini fella sure was a great actor. You know he went to Rutgers. Nice fella. The school should name a building after him."

CHIEF KEEF'S RAMPAGE, MEET

109

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satirical publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D.

This issue is still dedicated to DIS DICC. And it always will be. Bitch.

Kyle

Carlos Domenech Kristina Patel Kiran Subramanian Ari Gottesman John Mahoney

Sports Editor Arts Editor Secretary Webmaster Resident Douche

John Mahoney Jade Zack Carlos Domenech Jade Zack Jair Fucking Bolsonaro

INSERT DR. ACULA JOKE HERE

...continued from front

CHIEF KEEF FINALLY BLOWS NEW JERSEY UP

If you already nutted this month, then you've been a very naughty boy/girl/ enby. To receive your punishment, come to LSC Room 109, 8 p.m., on Wednesdays ;)

MtheediuM

What Your Costume Says About You

By: Hugh Janus

1. If you were a sexy angel you did not even try. You threw on whatever was in your closet and called it a day. This is pretty similar to what you wear every day which means that you try to look your best ev eryday. Which means you do not do anything with your life.

2. If you dressed up as a character from Mario Kart with a mustache (eg. Mario, Luigi, etc), you are fuck ing awesome. I saw so many Mario's without mus taches and they just do not work. You just look like a normal Italian man. If you gave yourself a mustache, you are probably also the friend who is funny as hell.

3. If you dressed up as Among Us, you are scary as fuck. You will probably become a serial killer in the near future and it is very sus.

4. If you dressed up as Patrick Bateman from Ameri can Psycho, you are a man-whore. Men cannot be whores so I invalidate your entire existence because men are shitty.

5. If you dressed up as a rapper or singer, you are alright, it's kinda basic so I am really hoping that you chose a more underground artist like NAV. To me, you don't really matter because your costume did not stick out to me.

HAVE A FAT ASS

The Medium Asstrology

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): Your new psychiatric medica tion will make your erectile dysfunction as persistent and stubborn as you.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): You’re a loser and went home during Halloweekend.

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): Read my fanfic, then read it again.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): You’re a bitch. You’re eager to please but easy to put down.

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22): You're the best, but also you're the worst. Hope this helps!

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): You will wake up today and you realize your dad still hasn’t returned.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22): DIS DICK

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): Try DEEZ BALLS

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): You passionately experi ence Rutgers, but not in a fun way. Also, go vote. Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): You should pick up beat boxing, that'll help you a lot in the future. Also, work on your impressions. People LOVE impressions.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Live fast, eat egregious amounts of ass.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Do you like fish sticks? Do you like to put fish sticks in your mouth? Then, you’re a gay fish.

By: NAV

Hello, all. I have come to a consensus that I will be doing a review every single week of things that happen in my life. This week, you will get a Halloweekend review. I started off my Friday night by going to a haunted house where all I heard my friend say was, “Okay!! That’s enough! We get it!” and tons of screaming. At one point, I may or may not have told someone who tried to scare me, “Nice try, better luck next time." I felt really bad after saying that so I said “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to invalidate you.” So yeah, that was pretty cool. The next thing I did was dress up as a very well-known Mario Kart character, Wario. And yes, I drew on the mustache and everything. I went around laughing in French (“honhonhon”) because I think that is how he identifies even though he is Italian. In my eyes, this was an okay costume, my outfit for Saturday was even better.

I woke up and immediately checked my mailbox for a package I was waiting for. Specifically, a NAV shirt that I had ordered earlier on in the week. If you don’t know NAV, you must live under a rock. He is the “first brown boy to get it poppin” (NAV feat. The Weeknd, Some Way, 2017). I was really hoping this merch would come in time so I could complete my outfit as him and boy, it was here. All I had to do was put on the shirt, some black jeans, white shoes, and sunglasses. I got onto the bus heading to College Ave like your average NAV enthusiast, but my costume was far from complete. Using my trusty eyeliner, I gave myself NAV’s signature bowl cut and it was comedic gold. I did have to explain who I was everywhere I went but it clicked for people once I told them I was NAV. This one guy was even dressed as the Weeknd and said we did a song together to which I responded, “Hell yeah, we did." It was a beautiful moment in history. NAV was so well-known that night that even white people knew who he was. Thank you all for supporting me.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE NAV PERFORM IN REAL LIFE, COME TO LSC ROOM 109 ON WEDNESDAYS, 8 P.M. HE MIGHT PERFORM SOME WAY FEAT. THE WEEKND. HE MIGHT EVEN DO A SONG WITH THE RUTGURLS. THEY'RE REALLY UNDERGROUND BUT THEY HAVE CONNECTIONS.

“Yooo, its fucking NAV!”

I HAVE VALID THOUGHTS BC I AM WOMAN STREAM DEMONS PROTECTED BY ANGELS

I Am Dead After Halloweekend

MtheediuM

Are you going to vote?

"OMG!! Have you registered to vote yet?!"

Average RU Voting Intern Replaced spotted lanternflies as the biggest nuisance on campus

LOIS GRIFFIN'S GOT NOTHING ON HER!!!

Marge Simpson has Always Been Hot!!!

BY GRAGGLE SIMPSON

"Of course!. But I'm also going to complain about the goverment not listening to me :)"

Allison Treeblossom Member of RU Progressive

"These liberals just blindly believe everything the mainstream media tells them. That's why I only vote Republican."

Joe O'Brien

Unironically says Let's Go Brandon.

I Better Not See Any of You Motherfuckers Playing Christmas Music

BY SHI THEAD

As we put away our dollar store Halloween decorations and prepare for another hellish month where the people controlling America’s weather dome can’t decide if they want it to be hot or cold in NJ, I take it upon myself and my duties to the public as a journalist and civil servant to remind you that I better not hear any jingling bells yet. I better not see any Santa hats yet. I better not find eggnog in stores yet. But most importantly, I better not hear a single one of you hasty holiday hoes playing any merry or jolly music, or it will be my fist connecting with your jugular on sight.

I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that Christmas songs are arguably the best genre of music, but the golden rule of enjoying it is similar to the taboo of wearing white after Labor Day - there is to be no Christmas music before Thanksgiving weekend and no Christmas music after New Year’s, with the exception of the entire month of July.

In this time of deep intense mourning for Rutgers students as they watch their grades crash and burn from their midterms results, it is the responsibility of the surrounding community to be good samaritans and not bait the students by making their little pea brains think that winter break is fast approaching. Again, I repeat - winter break is definitely not fast approaching.

To those who break this fragile trust, I offer only a forewarning message: whatever Christmas song I find you playing, I will be shattering your skull with a chair to the beat of it.

On October 30th, The Simpsons continued their annual Halloween tradition by broadcasting the "Treehouse of Horror XXXIII" episode. One of the parodies this year was the anime Death Note. To accompany the parody, every character was redesigned in an anime artstyle. One of the most popular redesigns was Marge Simpson's. Many online commentators were surprised by the attractiveness of Marge's redesign. However, this should not be surprising since Marge Simpson has always been hot.

Mrs. Marjorie Jacqueline Simpson (née Bouvier) is the wife of Homer and mother to Bart, Lisa, and Maggie. She deeply cares about her family. Let me ask you, dear reader, is there anything sexier than a hardworking mother who loves her family and would do anything for them? Any man would kill for a wife who loves them as much as Marge loves her “Homie." In addition to being an outstanding mother and wife, she is also smoking hot.

There’s a word for a sexy mom that rhymes with “BILF", and Marge is definitely one. She has multiple features that would make her irresistible to any man. Her signature look is a strapless dress. Whether she’s dropping the kids off at school or grocery shopping, she’s always well-dressed. She keeps her blue hair in a beehive style that is vintage and sexy. And finally, her raspy voice would turn any slob on.

Of the disturbingly large amount of Simpsons porn in the world, Marge makes up most of it. When you watch The Simpsons, remember that Marge is the second sexiest Simpsons character after Lenny.

Fun Fact: Bart's middle name is "Jojo."

THANK YOU LORD ZARNUB DAY 17 IN THE BOX

BY CHAIRLIFT CHARLIE

I am singing out to the public as my body dissolves, imprisoned in its own heat, which confines me more than the walls of this cardboard box. I do not know how I got here. I am more certain of how the stars collapsed in one day, creating me cell by cell. My soul now morphs into a cluster of these uncertainties, as the mystery of my great life becomes how and when I will be freed, if at all. I’ve counted seventeen days in a mural of tally marks, using my blood as the medium, and though I am a wondrous painter, this observation is beyond me: I am unaware if it is just the darkness, but my blood may be turning black. I sooner fear colorblindness than disease, for I have been granted glorious immortality by Lord Zarnub. When I found myself stuck in this cardboard box, I still felt safe, for I am never alone when I carry Zarnub with me. He speaks in tongues in my mind and when I vomit up the pieces of cardboard I’ve been treating as sustenance, it is as if the good Lord Zarnub is helping me expel my very own inner demons, much like the demons that Imagine Dragons soulfully fear. There is still a bleakness and a dulling sense of hope. I count hours on my weakened pulse. I see lightness within. I see it in the novel I have begun to write in vain. The world may never hear of my troubles within this unfortunate cardboard prison of the body and the mind, but they will one day embrace my words in The Adventures of Jimmly Wizard Snake. Yes, it is my own light that may carry me home, dear readers.

"The McRib is back, bitch!"

BURN IN HELL MARIAH CAREY!!!

GO PISS GURL BY MY COSTUME

DICK ART BY TIKTOK AI GENERATOR

MtheediuM

Blood?

PL - What’s up readers! Today I’ve got something really special for you all! Sitting here with me are Opal Sapphire and Justin Gorged. They’ve been making national headlines for the fanfiction they’re starring in, which depicts a dramatized version of their lives. Why don’t y’all introduce yourselves?

(O - I’m Opal Sapphire. Most of you know me from my rants, where I let my more base emotions out. It helps keep me calm.

J - And I’m her husband, Justin Gorged. I’m the CEO of The Medium

PL - Since you mention it, you two have been married for a few years now, but you’ve both been surprisingly private about it for such public figures. Why the secrecy?

(O - It helped to sell the fantasy in my line of work if the reader still thought I was single or just casually dating. People dream of being me or being in me and I learned very quickly it’s hard for them to picture that when there’s a man they’ll never be in their way.)

Blood!

PL - So why go so public now?

(J - At a certain point we de cided, “Why fake fantasies about others when we’re so fantastic together?”

O - Oh stop it, you!

J - But in all seriousness, it was starting to take a toll on us. Like you said, we’re pretty public people. We couldn’t keep hiding our selves, especially when what we have together is so special.)

PL - Doesn’t seem like you’re hiding anything anymore!

(O - We’re hiding just enough. Gotta keep some of us for us, ya know?)

PL - So let’s talk about the fanfiction. Now you guys aren’t the authors as I understand it.

(J - We’re editors by trade, not writers. It only made sense. We got a personal friend to write it for us. She has a certain… way with words, if you will.)

PL - I’ll say. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the word “creamed” used as a replacement for "said."

(O - "Said" is the downfall of bad writers. Good writers change it up a little. Great ones take creative liberties with language.)

PERSONALS

Blood?

PL - Now the audience may want to know, or at least I know I want to know, how much of this stuff is fiction? It is a fanfiction after all.

(J - Less than you might think.

O - We know people like us, so we wanted to give them a taste of our lives. But fiction sells better than not, so we decided to give them a spicier version that shakes things up a little.)

PL - So the actual events weren’t spicy?

(J - Oh it's spicy! I'd give it a 5 out of 5 peppers!

O - Whereas in the fanfiction, those 5 peppers would be inside of me.)

PL - Oh! Anyway... how did the author capture your sex scenes so vividly?

(J - We recorded us making love from a bunch of angles. With director's commentary too!)

PL - I heard about the tape. Didn't you win a Grammy for the soundtrack?

(O - Well it was mostly my moans, but Hans Zimmer really is a magic man.)

PL - Inspiring! Now recording yourselves doing the deed can be embarrassing. What were you thinking about in the moment?

(J - The only thoughts were about my beautiful wife, Opal.

O - I was also thinking about Opal.)

PL - Isn't that a little selfish?

(J - She's a woman who knows what she wants. You have to respect that.)

PL - Fair. We're almost out of space. Do you have any spoilers you can share?

(O - Dis Dick.

J - But seriously, this week, there is so much going on that I don't even know who I am fucking. Oh yeah, I'm fucking someone this week. And it was good... so good... so gourmet, so gushy, so guac, so gagalicious, so gigantic. So guaranteed to satisfy! )

Did you think this was gonna be

"Would people read a comparative analysis of David Martinez and Holden Caulfield?"

DOUBLE POEMS

I hope I poop today

By: Someone who hasn’t shit in four days

I hope I poop today.

Its 3 a.m., and I could not feel less gay.

I hope I poop today.

I can feel the shit. It is on the edge. Just like my last fuck, What will it take to pull it from its wedge?

I hope I poop today. The sounds coming from my stomach are not okay.

I hope I poop today.

One need.

One world. I need to shit So go shit gurl.

I hope I poop today. Thank you.

I DON'T KNOW EITHER

Leoð oþ Hlaf

By Ælfric Ofslegen

Ic bace hlaf mid mín ancennedan sunu Swá swá portcwénan, we bacaþ sé hwæte Áferscaþ fram sé fȳr, hat swá swá helle Þonne sé sy swá swá sé ears of Satan Þonne sé hlaf cōlaþ æt sé ēagduru Mín ancennedan sunu and ic lufiaþ acweorran hlaf

Wit ahēawaþ sé hlaf mid mín bog Swá swá wit ofsticaþ bāras and ofsléa loppestran

Ac ic neom sum hunta and neom fiscere Mín cræft sy hlaf, ic neom bæcere Ic lufiaþ an hlaf and hlaf sy brun

Sé hlaf sy brun and Ic ācweorre sé hlaf, ne mín sunu

Mín sunu ācweorre sé bār, mín dwæan sunu

Hé hrædlic ādēadaþ for þæm þe of ādl

Mín ceasterwíc sé forheregede be cwild

SPACE IS FOR SMUT

50 Shades of Gorged Chapter 5: Masquerade Ball, The Sexy Stuff

By: The Average AO3 Writer

Anita Manda Hugankiss was excited for the ball. She got all decked out in her most stripper-esque outfit ever and she was *feeling* herself (but not in the same way that someone will later on). When she walked into the ballroom, she started looking around to see who was going to be her latest romp in the park. Her eyes settled on DIS DICK (well, that’s what she said in her head because she did not know this guy’s name). It was actually Justin Gorged who, let’s be honest, had an extraordinarily long schlong and he knew it; he was walking around with a posse of people, dick-first. Anita decided to take a page out of his book and walked up to him boobs-first, which was not hard for a size DDDD to do. “Hey there hot stuff,” said Anita as she was making eye contact with Justin’s namesake (it was his dick… because his name is Gorged…. he has a large dick, therefore, it is en-Gorged… haha, dick jokes, yeah!)

Justin turned to Anita and instantly recognized her as the woman he followed into the ball, believing that she was Opal. “Wow, you look amazing tonight. Although, I may still prefer you wearing the last thing I saw you in,” smooth-talked Justin as he looked at what the woman was wearing. That’s when he noticed something, or 2 somethings: her titties. Opal did not have as large of breasticles as this woman, Justin would remember that-he spent about half of his nights since their encounter dreaming of chowing down on Opal’s boobs. “Oh, wait, I am so sorry. I thought you were someone else,” Justin apologized as he tried to back away, but Anita stopped him.

“I don’t think you were mistaken at all,” Anita purred while her hands lingered very close to his member. She liked the way he talked about the woman he thought she was and wanted to see where her charade could get her. It was a masquerade ball after all.

Justin was still skeptical, but at that moment, Anita started to lead him into a room and he no longer doubted that this woman was his Opal (who for some reason either got a boob job or REALLY stuffed her bra that night) but was excited for what was to come-what a fucking idiot.

Okay, dear readers, this might get a bit complicated so I am going to give you some context so that you may enjoy this smut as much as I am. Opal and T-Sex (from last chapter) are in one room, and Justin and Anita are in the room next to them. The walls are thin, they are both fucking, Opal and Justin think they are fucking each other (they are not), T-Sex and Anita are silent sex-havers. Okay, back to smut. Enjoy :)

“Mmhmm, your breast is so smooth... I so badly want to suckle on your tatas,” moaned Justin.

“Oh, Justin, pull harder! I’m so tight right now,” screeched Opal.

“With my teeth? Okay, whatever you say babycakes,” Justin said as he literally bit into Anita’s (Opal to Justin) nipple. Anita must be a severe masochist to stay silent because even I feel pain from writing this. At that point, Justin decided to pull his length out and get onto more serious business. “So, shall I rub-a-dub-dub myself, or can I count on you for that, my duckling?” Justin pre-creamed.

“If there’s one thing I’ve wanted to do, it’s to get my slender fingies on that long, delicious pork sword and struggle it back into my pussy,” gurgled Opal with excitement. “Mmm,” Opal moaned as Justin found his place within her.

“Hmm,” Justin called out in the next room. This back-and-forth moaning, my children, continued until both were finished, then they fell asleep-hard labor, y’know? Well, that’s all for now (unless someone wants to give me more space on their page, but I doubt that)!

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind."

RUTGERS SPEAKS OUT ON POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION FOLLOWING BIRTH OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL

birthing college football could be anything but over the moon about College Football’s birthday, but the truth of the matter remains that the postpartum experience for Henry was no joking matter. Football opened up about the issue.

“I feel awful thinking about it,” he noted. “The postpartum depression hit my mPreg father like a ton of bricks.” Football also stated that Rutgers' coping mechanisms were not ideal.

“I’ve heard stories that the Chemistry Department was created as a form of my dad taking his anger out on the students. I think that was fucked up, but not my problem. Busch can suck it!”

happened. Same thing with the Chem Dept. I was mad, yeah, but I couldn’t control myself. Especially after what happened with Princeton. It was just too much.”

Reports state that, during the birth, Tiger Princeton asked the attending nurse to add the husband stitch to Rutgers' gaping asshole. When asked for an interview, Tiger declined.

BY BOXY BOX-HEAD

November 6th marks the day on which a miracle occurred. Princeton and Rutgers fucked on a grassy field and conceived College Football. As we approach the 53rd anniversary of Sir Henry giving birth to

Mr. Football, many of us will experience various emotions. Nostalgia, joy, exuberance, maybe even a little bit turned on *lip bite*, but Henry Rutgers feels something else entirely: sadness. It’s shocking to think that the man himself behind

ANNOUNCING THE FORMATION OF AMERICA'S NEWEST MAJOR SPORTS LEAGUE

BY MICYCLE SNEAKER

As the head Sports Staff Writer for The Medium, I have been asked to attend quite a few prestigious athletic events over the years. My most recent invite was worth more than all the comped playoffs tickets, hall of fame induction ceremonies, and rookie draft press passes combined. On Halloween night, I was fortunate enough to be in attendance for the announcement of the inaugural season of a competitive No Nut No vember league. Here's what we know so far:

Global governing body: International Organization of Celibacy (IOC)

American governing body: No-Nuts Busted Association (N-NBA)

Broken into divisions: Semen Retention League (SRL) and Ejaculation Retention League (ERL)

Canadian governing body: No self-Handjobs League (NsHL)

Proposed teams:

The Vancouver Cumnucks

The Seattle Sea Cocks

The New York Yankless

The New York Mets

The Winnipeg Peggers

The Indianapolis Cucks

The Toronto Blue-Balls

The Iowa Incels

The Washington Cum-manders

The Edmonton Oiled Uppers

The Minnesota Vi-sectomies

The Dallas Reverse-Cowboys

The Colorado "Yeah we have girlfriends but you wouldn't know them cause they're in the Canadian conferences"

Games to take place in the abandoned facilities originally intended for the Overwatch League

We look forward to keeping our loyal readers up to date as the competi tion heats up!

We asked Mr. Rutgers about the rumors. “Yeah, I did all that,” he casually stated. “Can you blame me? I was going through it. I mean, hell, I was scared to shit for 5 days. When I did take that shit, it was big and stinky. I didn’t mean for it to become Cook/Doug, but it just

Upon being informed of Rutgers’ experience postpartum, Jonathan Holloway announced a new initiative to spread awareness about the cause. “I’ve spoken with my advisors and developed a new slogan to inform people about the struggles pregnant people endure. It’s called ‘I <3 Pussy’ and we’re just gonna plaster that phrase everywhere. This is clearly the best way to make sure that people know about the cause, and the most appropriate, right?”

Holloway plans on dubbing November as “Pussy Month”.

Zeroes in Sports: By The Numbers.

points that Rutgers scored against Minnesota

home runs that Babe Ruth recorded during the 2021 season

Super Bowls that the Cleve land Browns have won

points that Wayne Gretsky scored in the NFL

percent that the Pittsburgh Pirates will win the World Series next year

people that see Lenny Dyk stra as a role model (I don’t count)

PRINCETON OWES CHILD SUPPORT TO RUTGERS FOR THIER CHILD